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WHO’S JOKING?
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on the humor virus!
For more clean, short, funny jokes visit our website at:
http://clean-short-funny-jokes.com/ebook
Yours in Laughter,
CHECKMATE!
A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
BLONDE - OUCH!
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."
Y2K STATEMENT
"Our staff have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every
line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including
backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now
implemented all changes to all programmes and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any
sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible"
True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms. These were collected by Norwich Union for their annual
Christmas magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took
my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A – Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A – Moo
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the
embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a
hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to
have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling
machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it... now quiet, they're about to announce the
lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one,
'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville.
Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could
wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good, night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
That's the American way."
"Stealing!? How could you?? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at
church?? Captain what's-his-name?"
FOOTBALL QUOTES
"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones" Chris Turner,
Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.
"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence." NY
Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest just squandered" George Best.
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area, for goalies is between their legs"
ANDY GRAY, SkySport
Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the
league?
Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard.
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." (Radio 5 Live)
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." (NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5
Live)
"I don't believe in luck... but I do believe you need it." ALAN BALL
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." TREVOR
BROOKING
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." TOM FERRIE
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley...unless somebody knocks us out." DAVE
BASSETT
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." PETER JONES
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their
opponents goal." JIMMY HILL
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." DAVID ACFIELD
"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio" GERRY FRANCIS
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers." Mick Lyons
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head" Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland
(1994)
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did"
Barry Davies (1975)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" Stuart Pearce (1992)
Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting
through? Terry Venables: I think it's fifty – fifty
JUSTICE
Judge: “Well, sir, I have reviewed this case and I have decided to give your wife $700 a week.”
Husband: “That’s fair, your Honour. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
☺
New born babies in these new state-of-the-art high tech delivery rooms come out cordless!
☺
CRY ME A RIVER
Cut up onions floating down a river can make a bridge on the river cry.
Doctor: “Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?”
Patient: “Yes, I got as far as 28,658 and then it was time to get up.”
☺
A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approached her and says: “Hi, sweetie, want a little company?
“Why?” asks the woman. “do you have one to sell?”
-The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
-Alas + Alak = marriage.
-My computer has a lot of memory. I just can’t remember where it is!
-Ever notice how many people are just dying to get into the cemetery?
-Anyone know who won the human race?
☺☺
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Aitch!
Aitch who?
Bless You!
Who’s there?
Almond!
Almond who?
Almond your side!
Who’s there?
An author!
An author who?
An author joke like this and I'm off!
Who’s there?
Annie!
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
Who’s there?
Arch!
Arch who?
Bless you!
Who’s there?
Avenue!
Avenue who?
Avenue heard the latest knock knock jokes?
Who’s there?
Ayatollah!
Ayatollah who?
Ayatollah you already!
Who’s there?
Ben!
Ben who?
Ben gone a long time!
Who’s there?
Butcher!
Butcher who?
Butcher left leg in, butcher your left leg out..!
Who’s there?
Carol!
Carol who?
Carol go if you turn the ignition key!
Who’s there?
Danielle!
Danielle who?
Danielle at me, it's not my fault!
Who’s there?
Daryl!
Daryl who?
Daryl never be another you...!
Who’s there?
Denise!
Denise who?
Denise are above de ankles!
Who’s there?
Dewey!
Dewey who?
Dewey need all these knock knock jokes?
Who’s there?
Dynamite!
Dynamite who?
Dynamite - if you ask her nicely!
Who’s there?
Fido!
Fido who?
Fido known you were coming I'd have baked a cake!
Who’s there?
Genoa!
Genoa Who?
Genoa any good knock knock jokes?
Who’s there?
Hacienda!
Hacienda who?
Hacienda da story!
Who’s there?
Harmony!
Harmony who?
Harmony knock knock jokes are there?
Who’s there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven seen you in ages!
Who’s there?
Hobbit!
Hobbit who?
Hobbit letting me in then?
Who’s there?
Honeydew!
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to eat out tonight?
Who’s there?
Howell!
Howell Who?
Howell you have your tea, with milk and sugar?
Who’s there?
Hugo!
Hugo Who?
Hugo first - I'll follow!
Who’s there?
Hutch!
Hutch Who?
Bless you!
Who’s there?
Hyman!
Hyman Who?
Hyman the mood for love!
Who’s there?
Ike!
Ike who?
Ike could have danced all night!
Who’s there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan idea you know who it is!
Who’s there?
Jacqueline!
Jacqueline who?
Jacqueline Hyde!
Who’s there?
Jamaica!
Jamaica who?
Jamaica mistake?
Who’s there?
Java!
Java who?
Java good weekend?
Who’s there?
Jester!
Jester who?
Jester minute, I'm looking for my keys!
Who’s there?
Jewell!
Jewell who?
Jewell know when you open the door!
Who’s there?
Joe Namath!
Joe Namath Who?
Joe Namath not on your door - thath why I knocked!
Who’s there?
Juan!
Juan Who?
Juan some more of these knock knock jokes?
Who’s there?
Judy!
Judy Who?
Judy liver for free?
Who’s there?
Juicy!
Juicy Who?
Juicy what I just saw?
Who’s there?
Julian!
Julian Who?
Julian I are getting married!
Who’s there?
June!
June Who?
June know where the post office is?
Who’s there?
Justice!
Justice Who?
Justice I thought, you don’t remember me!
Who’s there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin Quiring if you want your paper delivered!
Who's there?
Kermit!
Kermit who?
Kermit a crime and you'll go to jail!
Who's there?
Khomeini!
Khomeini who?
Khomeini time for dinner!
Who's there?
Lauren!
Lauren who?
Lauren order!
Who's there?
Lionel!
Lionel who?
Lionel get you nowhere, better tell the truth!
Who's there?
Lisbon!
Lisbon who?
Lisbon married eight times!
Who's there?
Nadya!
Nadya who?
Nadya head if you understand what I'm saying!
Who's there?
Noah!
Noah who?
Noah good place to eat?
Who's there?
Norway!
Norway who?
Norway will I leave until you open this door!
Who's there?
Nuisance!
Nuisance who?
What's nuisance yesterday?
Who's there?
Omar!
Omar who?
Omar goodness gracious, wrong door!
Who's there?
Omelet!
Omelet who?
Omelet smarter than I think I were!
Who's there?
Ooze!
Ooze who?
Ooze been sleeping in my bed?
Who's there?
Orange juice!
Orange juice who?
Orange juice sorry you asked?
Who's there?
Oscar!
Oscar who?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know if you're telling the truth?
Who's there?
Ozzie!
Ozzie who?
Ozzie you later!
Who's there?
Panther!
Panther who?
Panther what you wear on your legth!
Who's there?
Paul!
Paul who?
I’m Paul shook up!
Who's there?
Peg!
Peg who?
Peg your bardon, I'm dislexic!
Who's there?
Phyllis!
Phyllis who!
Phyllis in on what happened!
Who's there?
Pyjamas!
Pyjamas who?
Pyjamas round me and hold me tight!
Who's there?
Quebec!
Quebec who?
Quebec to the end of the line!
Who's there?
Rabbit!
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's glass!
Who's there?
Radio!
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
Who's there?
Ralph!
Ralph who?
Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! I'm your puppy-dog!
Who's there?
Rapunzel!
Rapunzel who?
Rapunzel troubles in your old kit bag....!
Who's there?
Renata!
Renata who?
Renata milk, can I borrow some?
Who's there?
Roland!
Roland who?
Roland stone gathers no moss!
Who's there?
Rufus!
Rufus who?
Rufus leaking and I'm getting wet!
Who's there?
Rupert!
Rupert who?
Rupert your left arm in, your left arm out ....!
Who's there?
Sabina!
Sabina who?
Sabina long time since I've seen you!
Who's there?
Sadie!
Sadie who?
Sadie truth and nothing but the truth!
Who's there?
Safari!
Safari who?
Safari so good!
Who's there?
Sauce!
Sauce who?
Sauce together, now she'll tell everyone!
Who's there?
Saul!
Saul who?
Saul the King's horses and all the King's men...!
Who's there?
Scissor!
Scissor who?
Scissor and Cleopatra!
Who's there?
Scott!
Scott who?
Scott nothing to do with you!
Who's there?
Shelby!
Shelby who?
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes..!
Who's there?
Sherwood!
Sherwood who!
Sherwood like to meet you!
Who's there?
Shirley!
Shirley who?
Shirley you must know me by now!
Who's there?
Signor!
Signor who?
Signor light on, so I knocked!
Who's there?
Sigrid!
Sigrid who?
Sigrid service - open up!
Who's there?
Smee!
Smee who?
Smee - your neighbour!
Who's there?
Sofa!
Sofa who?
Sofa so good!
Who's there?
Spice!
Spice who?
Spice, the final frontier!
Who's there?
Spider!
Spider who?
Spider what everyone says. I like you!
Who's there?
Stepfather!
Step father who?
One stepfather and I'll be in!
Who's there?
Stopwatch!
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch your doing right now!
Who's there?
Stu!
Stu who?
Stu cold – let me in!
Who's there?
Summer!
Summer who?
Summer good and summer not so good!
Who's there?
Tamara!
Tamara who?
Tamara is Tuesday, today is Monday!
Who's there?
Tex!
Tex who?
Tex two to tango!
Who's there?
Thatcher!
Thatcher who?
Thatcher didn’t know who it was!
Who's there?
Theodore!
Thedore who?
Theodore wasn't open so I knocked-knocked!
Who's there?
Thermos!
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!
Who's there?
Thumb!
Thumb who?
Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!
Who's there?
Tibet!
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!
Who’s there?
Tish!
Tish who?
Their great for blowing your nose!
Who’s there?
Toby!
Toby who?
Toby or not toby, that is the question!
Who’s there?
Twain!
Twain who?
A twain is what people wide on!
Who’s there?
Uganda!
Uganda who?
Uganda get away with this!
Who’s there?
Valencia!
Valencia who?
Valencia dollar, will you pay it back?
Who’s there?
Vaughan!
Vaughan who?
Vaughan day I’ll vin the lottery!
Who’s there?
Venice!
Venice who?
Venice your bell going to vork?
Who's there?
Viscount!
Viscount who?
Viscount you install a bell?
Who's there?
Waddle!
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me if I go away?
Who's there?
Wah!
Wah who?
Well, I’m glad you’re excited about it!
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda nother knock knock joke?
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
Who's there?
Wheelbarrow!
Wheelbarrow who?
Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!
Who's there?
Wicked!
Wicked who?
Wicked go see a movie!
Who's there?
Willoughby!
Willoughby who?
Willoughby a monkey's uncle!
Who's there?
Wilma!
Wilma who?
Wilma dreams come true?
Who's there?
Witches!
Witches who?
Witches the best way home?
Who's there?
Wooden shoe!
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know!
Who's there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht to know me by know!
Who's there?
Yolanda!
Yolanda who?
Yolanda me money and I’ll pay you back!
Who's there?
Yukon!
Yukon who?
Yukon say that again!
Who's there?
Yvonne!
Yvonne who?
Yvonne to be alone?
Who's there?
Zany!
Zany who?
Zany body home!
Who's there?
Zeke!
Zeke who?
Zeke and you shall find!
Who's there?
Zombie!
Zombie who?
Zombies make honey, others are queens!
Who's there?
Zsa Zsa!
Zsa Zsa who?
Zsa Zsa last knock knock joke!
We hope you enjoyed “Knock Knock . . .Who’s Joking?”
For more clean, short, funny jokes visit our website at:
http://clean-short-funny-jokes.com/ebook