In the grey swirling of the world, I feel all but lost my way.

For many times, I

have asked myself whether my heart is still fulfilled with love. I send this email, for one
thing, to share my own confidence. For another, I would like to advise everyone to
respect what they have because you cannot know exactly when you lose it. All men must
die so you should not let yourself be obsessed by regret. People of all ages have tried to
give an exact notion of love. It depends on your own experience; however, I am sure that
people who are in love never give up anything. Love is a source of motivation which
gives you power to overcome up-and-down periods in your lifetime.
Six months ago, since I left my hometown, moved to this city as a freshman of
University of Pedagogy, so much has changed. I think most people find the first 18 years
in there lives the happiest time as they do not have to worry so much. I am anyway one of
them. In a word, I spent my childhood with spontaneity, a little bit feeling of shame. I
have dreamt of the day I would pass the university entrance exam to please my mother, to
ease her year-by-year suffering, to dye an over 50-year hair black once again though it
may be late. After all, I have got it. I do not care how much sweat wet my shirt or tears
shed on my the books at small hours because of stress, anxiety…For those reasons, I’m
proud to look back; however, I lost something that can never be compensated. Maybe I
treated my heart with injustice.
When I was 15, happiness left my family. Today, when I’m typing these lines, it
seems that I hear my mother’s weeping in toilet. I did not know what to do, just prayed
and let tears flow. I wished these pains had been mine just a moment for the comfort of
her heart. I tried; in fact, I was in great need of sympathy. However, I have not reached it
just once. For something unsaid, unshared then untellable, I got used to spending time
alone listen to music, read books in the hope of finding hidden corner in me. In spite of
living far away from my mother now, I believe she is somehow really happy. She has got
the feeling of pride of her child as many others do. However, she deserved it many years
ago. If only my brother had not been a black sheep. Let bygones be bygones. The most
important thing is that anxiety, insomnia has gone out of her life.
The first time I fell in love was at the beginning of grade 10. I needed another
hand to fulfill the empty space left, to warm my cracked heart. Apart from my
expectation, that was tough luck. It took me a school year to reach her real heart. I was
completely exhausted as I had to live on the edge of broken dreams: family, studying and
even love. Once again, when looking back, I did not know whence I got such great
motivation. I did not take any notice of gossips around me. I had faith that once men have
heart they must have emotion. One year later, we are one. Days went by with smiles,
fugitive anger. We spent day wandering all street on a bicycle, eating snack at the school
gate. I still bear in mind the days we pull our socks up to study each other. The thought of
a happy ending crossed my mind at least once. We also shared viewpoints about life
when night fell outside but sleep has not come yet. We were both happy on account of
finding a hand to clear out tears on the other face in such a horribly crowded world.
However, like people usually say that first love rarely exists until the end. I believed that
I loved her with all my heart, gave her unconditional love. The more I loved her, the more
I thought about our future. How can her- a beautiful intelligent girl-be attached to such a
guy like me..? Family may affect me a lot. It seemed that I foresaw the future or I lost
faith. No matter how much money my father earned, he could not support his family. It
was as if his life had been destined to suffer operation when he has just become a
successful man. All evaporated as it has never existed. No matter how profound he was in
life, in career, he could not find a way to save my brother’s life from destiny. There are a
lot of “no matter how” or “if” in my father’s life. I just can keep silence and sometimes
make a sigh to show that I am still there, listen to him, let a part of his lifetime absorb in
my spirit when he drives me in the shadow of the trees in Sai Gon. He always tells me
about what this place was years ago, also the place where he and my grand-father lived
and worked. Whatever he says, I feel his uncompensated regret. I do not want to be a guy
like that. No matter how I love her, I am ready to let her free to reach real happiness. I
lived in the abyss of despair during the last year of high school. Thinking about what we
have had each other and the way I would treat her killed me day by day. I cried much
more than ever before for my family’s worries about my life, the expectation they put on
me and for being a cruel guy. I have to support my family as my parents have reached the
other slope in their lifetime. I’m afraid that I do not have enough time. So how can she be
happy with me? She told me that she would ignore everything just to be by my side. I felt
lucky to meet her in my life; however, I cannot see her suffer like my mother did. In the
end, we set apart. So much tears shed. Memories still live on. I remember the day we
hand in hand walking under a sky full of small yellow leaves flying in the winds. I
remember the day we stand side by side at the balcony looking at yard. Until now, it is
the most peaceful moment in my life. I remember how I was angry when I saw her go to
school without hat under strong sunlight and rainy day without raincoat. I wonder if she
could manage without me. Who reminds her..? This feeling tortures my conscience.
Things come will surely come. I left Vinh Long on a sunny afternoon. It was a
beautiful day but I felt heartbroken. My mother did not see me off. I knew she did not
want me to see her tears because I could she her eyes turned red though she got her sight
out of me very quickly. The coach stopped outside. Everything seemed to explode. I
wanted to open my arms as wide as possible to hold everything: trees, rivers, paddy-
fields… I felt tears rolling down my face uncontrollably as the coach went on the way I
used to. It suddenly understand clearly the two sentences in a poem named “Tiếng hát
con tàu” written by Chế Lan Viên: “When we live, land is just land/When we leave, land
turns out to be soul”- “Khi ta ở, chỉ là nơi đất ở/ Khi ta đi, đất đã hóa tâm hồn” when I
was feasting my eyes on the sceneries flowing outside the window.
A new life came to me, a life full of noise, dust and even city-dweller’s
indifference. I somehow love this city like my father did especially riding between the
two pensive and silent tree lines. For the two months coming to this city, I wanted to
grasp my luggage to be home. I could not prevent homesickness whenever I saw the
coach from Vinh Long or any motorbike with 64-number plate. It was hard to get new
friends as I could not forget my class immediately. I felt depressed. It was hard for me to
be a part of the city. I cannot forget an afternoon when I was drenched with rain. I rode
along the street but I could not find any place to stop. Raindrops ran against my face
freezingly. At that time, I felt lonelier than ever. I felt my nose stingingly hot and some
warm raindrops on my cheek when I passed a food store full of smoke from the stove. I
was dying for the meal my by mother. It was bitter. I got nothing. Future is somber.
There was more than once I cry when I heard my mother said that she missed me through
the phone. I told her everything was okay but it was contrary.
New love came to me by accident when a friend introduced her friend to me. I
was reluctant at first but I accept a new girl jumping into my heart once again because I
could not bear the growing feeling of being alone especially my close friend will leave
Viet Nam on March 7th. I lost my way. I hurried to get a buoy but I cannot overcome my
complex. I contemplate on her future. We will both graduate at the age of 22. I wonder
how much time I need to have my own achievements to ensure her a comfortable life. I
need to take care of my parents. Being with me means she would get disadvantages. I will
not forgive myself for hurting my valentine but I did it in fact. I cannot live up to my
principles in love. I know none of the girls wants to wait too long because youth cannot
wait them. There are still ideal men waiting for her. I am not selfish to keep something
that I cannot make it better despite melancholy. Therefore, I made a new same ending
for myself. My love lasted nearly two months. I found that my heart needed much more
than what she could do. Hardly had we said goodbye than I regretted the following
morning. I felt as if I lost all. I wanted to hold her back. I saw her every where on my
way. I could not help thinking about her. I wished that she could heal my heart. It seemed
that I tried to give her all my love in return for peace in my soul. I was her first love. I
used to ask her if she was afraid that first love has rarely existed until the end. She
completely believed me but what she did turned out to be nothing because I was the one
who set it up and also stopped it. I think destiny brought us together; however, as a
proverb goes “soon ripe, soon rotten”. I have no choice but to suffer conscience-stricken
feelings. I told myself that I would be by her side forever as I understood how bitter it
was when I saw my first love off. I did not remember clearly our memories until I lost
her. I should be grateful to God for such a romantic and satisfying night that we had
together. That night was the first time I was really happy after series of day living in
sadness. Moreover, I knew she had the same emotion like me as her dreams have just
come true. She has got believable shoulders to lean on, hands to get warmth. We sat by
Sai Gon River, hand in hand, gazing at the full moon twinkling on the river. It was also
long ago, beside another river in my hometown, I declared my love to a girl under this
moon. At the dawn of love, I did not realize that my haft would soar into the immense
sky. Inconclusive love-affair is always miraculously beautiful. The melody of the song
named “Khúc thụy du” written by Ngô Thụy Miên keeps echoing in my mind: “Thụy bây
giờ về đâu? Anh là chim bói cá, em là bóng trăng ngà. Chỉ cách một mặt hồ mà muôn
trùng chia xa”. It is true. Though we study in the same university or even in the same
building, I cannot reach her as a man tries to scoop the moon out of water.
I now have nothing. I am still okay. I am trying to live as many ones else do but I
cannot be as joyful as before. I am ready to pay 40k for a snack at the school gate with
my graceful and innocent girl. I am ready to pay 30k a bow of noodle on pavement with
my friends in the heavy rain. I want to get rid of all for a more strong-willed soul, a few
seconds to be among my beloved ones and a fond episode of my life. Nevertheless, no
matter how much I pay, nothing will ever come back. Can any one tell me how to be
happy in broken-hearted situation..? Is there any outlet of this vicious circle in me..?
After all, everything will soon be over. Thank goddess for happiness I have
received because there are still worse lives than mine. Thank goddess for pain I have
bottled up because it is a chance to practice my perseverance.
Sunflower