c



  

We would be nothing without the experiences that form us. Both the good and the bad etch
themselves into how we see and feel the world. If we are lucky, work hard and learn our lessons
then, hopefully, the good outweigh the bad. We learn that the world is an exciting but also a
dangerous place. Certainly most of us have had our fingers burnt at some time or another. That is,
bad things have happened to us during our lives.

They range from the physical scars we bear from cuts, breaks, illnesses and diseases that strike
us down sometimes without warning. They are the accidents from simply falling over or from
going head to head with a car. They are the psychological scars from tragedies such as
bereavement or divorce. We often say that given time, we will recover. We will get better.
Things will improve. Time, we say is a great healer.

Time itself though if we think about it, is indifferent to our various crises and celebrations. Time,
we seem to have universally agreed is a unit measuring the distance between two events. The
hours, weeks, months and years themselves do not do anything. It is how we fill our time that
makes it productive, or wastes it. Different people in the same period of time will do very
different things. One might write a masterpiece, another might embroider a quilt. One might do
nothing but watch TV. The same amount of time has passed but with very different results. It is
up to us to give the time value and meaning.

When we suffer an injury, we know that as humans, we will repair to a certain extent over a
period of time. A bone that is broken will set, and a cut will heal over and scar. Yet time alone
does not do everything. Isn't it true that a bone needs to be reset properly? Isn't it true that a cut
needs to be disinfected? If infection sets in, the only thing that time will do is cause more pain
with, possibly, more serious consequences.

Before we get too hard on poor old time surely we should examine this from the point of view of
the spirit of the saying. After all what we are suggesting is that the longer we are from a painful
incident in our lives, the less painful and raw it will be. Even the cynic must agree, that a period
of time changes perspective on many events in our lives. When we have clamed down and
distanced ourselves often we find our initial reaction hard to understand.

Then again many who have experienced trauma such abuse, divorce, or betrayal will testify to
the fact that years later, nothing has changed. Victims of abuse carry the scars and effects of their
trauma for years and even lifetimes after an event that happens in childhood. Who could say the
mothers and families of the "disappeared" will feel better in time? What does time do for the
families of those who are abducted and murdered?

Yet all of these people in some way or another are seeking closure. They want to be able to put
the abuse behind them. They want to be able to bury their family members. They want to see
those responsible brought to justice. They will not forget but they will be able to get on with their
lives. For these people however as sad and tragic as these events can be: time has clearly not
moved on. They are still living the events of a particular terrible period in their lives. That
particular time has, in essence, stayed still.

Some victims find coming to terms with their abuse and their abusers so traumatic that they seek
refuge in substance abuse in order to block these things out. Years later, seeking help, removed
from the blocking effects of the alcohol or drugs, the abuse rises again to the surface. Time, can
only heal if we help it. What is important is what we do with or in that period of time.

We have to find a way to move on from that event. Whatever the incident is, be it a mugging,
accident, betrayal or abuse, if we are still there in our minds, it is as if no time has passed. Daily
we are reliving the same day or period of our lives. In some way we have an imprint indelibly
left in our minds. Some are able to accept the hurt and move forwards. They get back on the
horse so to speak, or they find something else to occupy their minds with. They move to a
different time and yes the vitriol in even the most heated and hateful of arguments does seem to
lessen with time, even if the pain remains.

How many times have you apologised for something you said in the heat of the moment? At the
time you were angry, but now you feel you have calmed down. Time has passed and by
apologising you have in a sense moved with it. With your apology accepted, everyone moves
forward. Yet if you had not apologised, you might still be turning it over and over in your head.
You would be reliving the day until the moment when you "make good" what has been damaged.
Then and only then can we move on.

Isn't it true to say then that those who can heal or move on along with time, get better? Of course
it is! If the world is full of one thing, it is survivors. This is not to say we don't bear the scars and
have flashback to that time. Can you honestly say you haven't reddened at the though of some
past indiscretion now long gone?

One way to stay firmly locked into an awful time, is to stay miserable and complain about how
unfair life is. There are those who let the whole event organise and run their livers. They become
a shell host for the unpleasant past. They are unable to talk about or to be anything else. The
resulting feelings of unfairness and bitterness continually rub them until they etch their way into
them. These people are not only stuck in the past, they won't move forward and let time help
them. They keep thinking about how awful it was and relive the same moment over and over.

Surely if time can offer us the present and the now, which is far removed in distance from the
event, then we should grab it with both hands. We should say, "Hold on there time, this time,
we're coming with you'. This is not always as easy as it seems. Removing yourself from being a
victim and forever tied to the perpetrator or incident is difficult. It is more so the longer you have
let these feelings become you. Many people need and use professional help, therapy and
counselling to try and deal with their feelings.

The fact remains that we need to move on. In doing so we heal and in leaving that time behind
we can begin to thrive in the time that is now. In order to do so it may be necessary to get things
out into the open, to find a way to talk through the past. This is not denying these things
happened, it is affirming however that you are not just that person in that moment in time. It is
affirming that you are more, that you are released.

Some people go on for years not understanding how to move into the 'now' time. Dealing with
the issues is like sterilising the cut. It treats the wound so time can heal. Once this is achieved,
the injury recedes into the past. You may always hurt. You may always bear the scar of that time
but through time and the now, you will know that there is more to you than that. The moments
from the past won't matter. Who you are now is a different person and time, yes time can do that,
but only if move with it.

Time really can heal - if you let it

Time heals, or so we are told
But only if we let it
Otherwise we nourish our wound
And simply cannot forget it
Whatever the injury, sorrow or pain
That we suffer deep in our hearts
Will keep us just where we are
That is until we try new starts.
We've got to move on whatever that takes
Put the past behind, for our own sakes
We've got to try therapy, counselling too
Whatever we need to help us get through
So don't let time and your world stand still
Time really can heal if you have the will.

c     

Is there one subject more unwelcome than death? Is there one word more feared and reviled, at
least in Western Society? Death is the grim reaper, the final countdown, the end of life. Our
death is a subject with which we are distinctly uncomfortable. It is final and absolute. The
prospect of dying too painful to even think about. So our best solution to this uncomfortable
topic is not to think about it, mention it, or even deal with it. Perhaps, instead, we should think
about it and what it means in our lives.

"You're a long time dead," as they say in Ireland. "Live for today, be happy if you can". We don't
deal with death until we have no further option, the loss of a loved one, an acquaintance, a family
member. Perhaps we think about it when we reach a certain age, and perhaps we are confronted
with it when serious illness strikes. The truth is even if we feel mortal then that moment passes
with our recovery. We almost want to believe that we are invincible and will live forever.

Our death is the single most unwelcome and feared event in our lives. What though if we were
wrong? What if we have been looking down the wrong end of the telescope? What if we have let
that fear of death control our lives? Might that fear prevent us from really living and celebrating
life for what it could be? Isn't it true also that many people are dissatisfied with their lives? This
is not dissatisfaction based on lack of possessions or money. This is an empty life and a lack of
meaning and depth in our day to day existence.

We know there is supposed to be more to life. We know there should be. We know in our hearts
that our struggles to survive and to accumulate, power or riches, do not make us happy. We
know too that people die unfulfilled, with many regrets and all too soon life is over. We know
too that suicide rates are higher than ever before. We know that depression increases with the
onset of middle age.

Yet our death is the single thing that is guaranteed in life. The same thing applies, though the
time frame may vary, to every 'living' thing. Pity the fruit fly, then whose life cycle last about
one week. Are we envious of the oak tree, then whose life span extends to a matter of hundreds
of years? Probably not, is the answer. Who wants to live forever?

If we were honest, those poor folk of fiction doomed to eternal life, seem very tired with the
whole process. The fact is we are all going to die and that death will be the single most important
even of our lives. Not only that, we are going to have to deal with the death of grandparents,
parents, siblings and even our children. How can it be that we discuss death then only in hushed
fearful whispers? Why is death our taboo subject and our greatest fear?
Analysing that fear helps us understand the nature of our reticence. Although half the world for a
start doesn't fear death in the way that we in the West do. Eastern religions maintain a belief in
reincarnation. They don't believe death is the endgame. Whether we accept a traditional Christian
viewpoint or not, death in these terms is not seen as the end of anything other than a spell in this
life. In a sense such a death is a rebirth and as much a reason for celebration as anything else.
After all, this would at least imply another "crack of the whip," so to speak.

Nevertheless such a rebirth, if possible and even probable doesn't alter the fact of our death and
the end of our time on this earth. This moment is for everyone involved a deeply transforming
process. The many wonderful people who work in hospices and witness death on a regular basis,
give many fascinating accounts of different deaths. They see and hold the hands of people who
are afraid to die, as well as those who are prepared. They see those who are reconciled with the
world and those who have things left unsaid or undone. It is clear from these experiences that the
act of death and the manner or our dying has much to teach us about our lives. The very least of
which is the chance to make our peace, to say our farewells, and to organise our affairs.

The remarkable fact is that dying can teach us about living. We are used to thinking the other
way around. Perhaps we should ask ourselves why we should be so afraid of the prospect of our
death. Of course we perceive it as a final act. Whatever we think about the afterlife or the
absence of one, we can agree on that finality. Yet those who do not believe in their hearts in an
afterlife or rebirth, are filled with uncertainty. That results in a fear of the unknown. Isn't it
interesting that we don't seem to be remotely preoccupied with where we were before we were
born?

If we are afraid to die however, is it not true to say that we must also be afraid to live? In the
same way that our fear of death, when we examine it, is essentially this, a fear of losing our ego.
That is the thing which we have been clinging onto since we were old enough to understand that
we were alive. The result is that this fear dominates our lives. We not only refuse to talk about it,
we shudder at the thought of it.

No wonder we find the reality so hard to deal with. No wonder we try and hide those who are
dying away in hospices. We are terrified and as a result we are unwilling to live. We cling onto
ego and we define our lives through possessions or so called success and power. Even though we
know that these things bring us no comfort at all and are nothing more than an illusion.

The real life is the one that has our death at its head. It is the one that dares to live fully, to
engage in experience and to learn and to grow. It is one that is filled with happiness and lived in
the moment, knowing that there is no other. It is a life that has no fear of love or intimacy. It is
one where we do not cling to others or old habits. It is one in which we learn to let go of the ego
and become 'selfless'.

Death can transform life. It is a fact that if we accepted it, embraced it, were not afraid to discuss
it, our lives would be much richer. We would feel stronger and if we were not afraid of such a
loss of ego, what could stand in our way? All fears stem from this fear, which is in essence a fear
of the unknown and of nothingness. We stand to lose nothing and gain everything.
If we tried to move away from our fear - through understanding learning and reading we would
find that there is a place where people who love life and all it has to teach us, do not fear death.
They see it as a natural progression and even embrace it and give it its rightful place in our lives.

The fact is that many of us live in a culture that celebrates worthless and pointless values. We
live in a constant denial of the fact of our death. We allow ourselves very little preparation. We
need to demystify death not to deny it. We need to make it a part of our lives. To do that means
accepting our own religious beliefs in the afterlife or studying the religious beliefs of others in
the hope that we too can find acceptance and peace of mind.

When we learn to accept that, we might learn to live without fear. Our lives have been moving
towards this point. Life is a preparation for death. All of us will go there one way or another. If
you had the choice, and the supreme privilege of this life is that you have: which way would you
choose? Would your life be a happy fulfilled one until death or a fearful one because of death?
It's time we faced our fears and made death a part of our lives.

The secret of life is death

Why are we so afraid of death?
Why do we try to hide?
Especially those with no belief
In life on the other side?
Death is a part of living
That we must accept if we
Are to have peace and contentment
Because can't you see
If we live with fear all the while
It must affect our own lifestyle
We substitute peace of mind
For money and power and we find
That life is not as it should be
So accept death and you'll feel free.


Laughter is an important aspect of our lives. Life is so often filled with sadness or depressing
events, and these feelings would only grow worse if it were not for laughter. Joy and happiness
are essential to the human experience. What would we do if life were only filled with sadness?
Yet it is not. Most people find things to laugh at on a daily basis, and it is this laughter that
makes us feel better in life. Without it, would there even really be a reason to go on?

It is laughter that helps us get though the hard times. When we have been faced with unfortunate
events, received bad news, or are just having a bad day, laughter is always there to give us an
emotional boost. It is so helpful to find things to laugh at. No one likes to be sad, and laughter
can be used to pull us out of the never ending abyss of sadness. It can be the light in the darkness
of our depression, and is essential to our feelings as humans.

Sadness can take a tight grip on our lives, and without laughter, we would probably never be able
to escape it. Laughter creates such feelings of elation in us, and no matter how bad things get it
can help us see the bright side. Somehow, when we laugh at our problems, it helps us see that
they aren't as bad as we think. Anything can be overcome, and having a good attitude about it
helps immensely.

As it is said, "Laughter is the best medicine." This is an amazingly true statement. Laughter can
save lives, and can even mean the difference between life or death. Illness can strike at anytime,
and laughter really can be the best medicine. Those who become depressed about their illness
may find that they will not make it through, and will pass away in their depression. Those who
embrace their illness, and can laugh about it, can pull through anything.

Laughter truly is an amazing aspect of our human nature. It can life us out of the worst moments
in our lives, and help us through the tough times. Life would be nearly impossible to make it
through without being able to laugh, and experience the feelings of happiness and elation that
come with it. It improves our lives, and even has the ability to save us. Life is so much more
enjoyable when we laugh about it, no matter what it throws our way.