Who Says "I Love You" First: Men or Women?

Repairing Relationships
Building Intimacy and Joy into Your Relationships
By: Dr. J.R. Bruns and R.A. Richards II Published on April 14, 2011

Submitted to:

Dr. Ma. Socorro A. Exito

Submitted by:

Jessa B. Costelo
BABA1a

I. Summary
The Washington Post features a big story that has gone viral: Who says 'I love you' first? Men or women? The researcher called this event a very important "relationship milestone" and his findings shocking. MIT Psychologist Josh Ackerman reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that while most people think the woman in a relationship usually says "I love you" first, they found that men were more likely to utter those three magic words first. Dr. Ackerman was stunned, remarking, "We are constantly bombarded by this idea that ... women are the more emotional ones, and men hide their feelings. But that doesn't necessarily appear to be the case." Mirage men begin their romances with the creation of artificial intimacy. This is established in an encounter between a man and a woman by emphasizing physical attraction and charm with no regard to true compatibility. This involves a submersion of the man's true self so that he can easily conform to the woman's tastes and thus heighten the commonality between them. Any superficial congruencies in beliefs, interests and goals will be seized upon to justify the tremendous sexual attraction between them. The mirage man doesnt only rely on just physical attraction and smooth conversation to entice the woman into a romance. Declarations of love will all be implemented in a rapid fashion to obtain the woman's trust and secure as much physical contact as she will permit. Once the mirage man has found a woman who doesn't reject his initial flirtatious overtures, he will direct his efforts to maneuver the fledgling romance into the physical realm. Artificial intimacy will mislead both lovers into thinking they have found "The One", and the religious among them will declare it is "God's Will." In our sentimental society, this has not only become the way for men to enjoy one night stands but has become a common pathway to the altar.

www.psychologytoday.com

II. Analysis of the Article

Are men or women more likely to confess love first in romantic relationships? And how do men and women feel when their partners say I love you? An evolutionary perspective contends that women and men incur different potential costs and gain different potential benefits from confessing love. Across 6 studies testing current and former romantic relationships, it was found out that although people think that women are the first to confess love and feel happier when they receive such confessions, it is actually men who confess love first and feel happier when receiving confessions. When we consider these findings, it is possible the pattern reflects the different strategic romantic goals of certain menthe concept of happiness means different things to them. In other words: a chronic short-term mating strategy often associated with but of course not exclusive to men drives responses to and judgments of love confessions as a function of whether sex has occurred. After looking at the personality factors of the study participants they found out that there is a cohort of men who are primarily interested in short-term relationships. They are willing to have sex without strong prior feelings of closeness and commitment. These men tend to get really happy when they hear I love you before sex because they (consciously or unconsciously) interpret it as a promise of sex. But they get much less happy when they hear I love you after sex because the confessions is no longer attached to the possibility of initial sexual activity. Instead, it could be perceived as a signal that the woman wants a long-term commitment, which is not something they necessarily want too. This explains why they feel less happy. And these findings do suggest there is a divide between short-term oriented men and those with long-term mating strategies in how they respond to love confessions. This research has established that in the economy of long-term romantic relationships, women incur heavier costs than men do because of the potential to get pregnant, have children, and spend more

time raising those children. In light of that, they are already predisposed to be choosier than men when it comes to selecting a romantic partner. These short-term oriented men present an even bigger motivation for women to be skeptical. Women need to pick up on the signals that short-term oriented men are sending out and view their confessions of love with more suspicion. Whether or not women are properly, over- or under-skeptical remains an open question.

III. Evaluation of the Article

All of this goes to demonstrate that what may seem like three simple words can carry much larger implications. What really is the difference when the magic word comes from whose mouth? They say for femininitys sake- women shouldnt make the first move. But the question remains: Does this mentality still exists in this techno world? Where courting is via MMS, where flirting is possible through facebook and where emotions are sent through online chatting our very culture has been wrecked. To what surprises it uncovers that men really tend to utter these seaming emotional words? The study, published last week in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that while 64 percent of people surveyed believed women were generally the first to profess their love, men were actually far more likely to do so61 percent of the time. Men even started thinking about saying the words roughly six weeks before women didat the three-month mark versus just over four months for women. Indeed this article has shown that men's and women's reactions to love confessions differ in important ways depending on whether the couple has engaged in sexual activity. Similar studies have demonstrated that saying and hearing I love you has different meanings depending on who is doing the confessing and when the confession is being made.

Beyond romantic relationships, an evolutionary perspective suggests that displays of commitment in other types of relationshipsand reactions to these displayswill be influenced by specific, functional biases.[PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2011 APA]. Not everyone is the same when it comes to feeling the right emotions when hearing the phrase I love you at a certain time and at a certain place, because there are some men who experience less happiness when they hear I love you after sex has occurred-[Dr. J.R. runs and R.A. Richards II]. Generally speaking, most people feel happy when they hear I love you from their romantic partners. But indeed, there is a discrepancy in how men and women react to those words. And according to MIT Sloan Asst. Prof. Joshua Ackerman, if a couple had not yet had sex, men tended to respond more positively to hearing I love you than women because they heard it as a indication that sex was going to happen. Once the couple has had sex, though, its women who experience elevated happiness upon hearing I love you because they take the confession to mean that their partner is committed to them.
Even the finest, most mature products of our top academic institutions are committing to virtual strangers now and getting to know their mate later. Three days from meeting to engagement? Marriage in six weeks? It sounds rash, youthful and even stupid. But responsible, intelligent men are initiating such relationships every day across America. Thus it is no surprise to the student like me that men are the ones who declare "I love you" first.

One of the thoughts clinging by grape vine tells us-"If you truly love someone? Tell them. Otherwise you're just playing outdated coquettish games." I say- "I don't think I've ever said 'I love you' first, but someone has to do it. It's okay to take a few risks."