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FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyo ne else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your her d multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyo ne else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government giv es you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, an d sells you the milk. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publ icly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at th e bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cow s back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cow s, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, becau se you want three cows. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phalli-ce ntric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuabl e to society) bovines of non-specified gender. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-ten th the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then creat e a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide. You giv e the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes b oth, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requ ires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 1 00 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. Yo u decide to break for lunch. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a deb t/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are tran sferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung sh ui is bad. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm anim als in an apartment. MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count Them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the elect ion, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs t he affair "Cowgate". A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest th e newsman who reported the real situation.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all t he milk. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this mil k. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors tr y to kill you and take the cows. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade you r country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy. ... WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

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