COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY

Part 1 THE WORLD IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION * WHYS IS EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IMPORTANT? * HOW IS THE PROCESS * LISTENING IS THE BEGINNING OF UNDERSTANDING * 5. THE STAIRCASE OF COMMUNICATION 6. COMMUNICATION BARRIERS * 7. LEARNING TO READ NON-VERBAL CUES *
1. 2. 3. 4.

Part 2
1. THE IMPORTANCE OF PROPER BREATHING AND SUPPORT *

2. YOUR VOICE AS A TOOL 3. LET YOUR BODY TALK 4. POSTURE THAT PROJECTS CONFIDENCE 5. TURNING NERVOUSNESS TO EFFECT POSITIVE RESULT * 6. TIPS IN PUBLIC SPEAKING

Part 3 THE BASIC STRUCTURE OF SPEECH * TYPES OF SPEECHES * GENERAL PURPOSES OF SPEECH * LEARNING THE REQUISITES TO BECOME AN EFFECTIVE SPEAKER * 5. ANSWERING DIFFICULT QUESTIONS
1. 2. 3. 4.

Part 4
1. THE GIRAFFE COMMUNICATION *

2. THE COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION * 3. THE THERAPUETIC COMMUNICATION * 4. THE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION * Part 5 SAMPLE SPEECHES

Part 1.1

THE WORLD IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION

Being and effective communicator takes a real skill. Communication skills have to be developed, honed, and added on an on-going bases. It is the heart of interpersonal skills and the greater of your awareness of how it all works, the more effective your communication will be.

To be effective in business, you have to communicate well. To be a good leader or manager, you have to communicate exceptionally well.

Part 1.2 WHY IS EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS IMPORTANT?

Good communication skills are skills that facilitate people to communicate effectively with one another. Effectual communication engages the choice of the best communications channel, the technical know-how to use the channel, the presentation of information to the target audience, and the skill to understand responses received from others. Self development, interpersonal skills, mutual understanding, mutual cooperation and trust is also important to set a complete channel of most effective and winning communication skills.
There are mainly three types of communication skills, expressive skills, listening skills and skills for managing the overall process of communication. The basic fundamental of all these types of communication is emotional skills. Expressive skills are required to convey message to others through words, facial expressions and body language.

Listening skills are skills that are used to obtain messages or information from others. These help to clearly understand what a person feels and thinks about you or understand the other person closely. Skills for managing the overall process of communication help to recognize the required information and develop a strong hold on the existing rules of communication and interaction. Importance of communication skills can never be ignored or neglected. These skills are the key to executing good management skills. With good management skills, you can have a team of members who together create an ambience of open communication, concise messages, probe for clarifications, recognize nonverbal signals, and mutual understanding. Good communication involves a set of complex skills. The modern world today, calls for high scale effective communication skills in order to win the heavy competition in all spheres of life. For effective communication, a sender transmits his or her message in a clear and organized form to maintain and promote the need and interest of the receivers. Receivers or listeners show interest only if the person communicating is loaded with confidence, gestures and softness. Apart from management professionals, good communication skills are also required at all stages of life.

Part 1.3

HOW IS THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS?

Message

Encodes

Decodes

Sender

Noise

Receiver

Decodes

Encodes

Feedback

Part 1.4

LISTENING IS THE BEGINNING OF UNDERSTANDING

LISTENING Listening is one of our most important communication skills. It is an active process ofhearing and understanding that demands concentration and attention. Both you and yourstudents have responsibilities in the communication process.You must ensure that the learning environment is free of distractions that might interfere withthe students ability to listen.Be alert to the non-verbal behaviors of your students. Facialexpressions reveal much of what is happening in the mind of a student. A quizzical lookindicates some misunderstanding has occurred or a question needs to be addressed. A studentleaning slightly forward and maintaining good eye contact with you is probably interested andsincere about learning.An affirmative head nod indicates approval, agreement, orunderstanding. Conversely, eye contact out the window or someplace other than the front ofthe room may indicate boredom or lack of interest. Fidgeting in the chair or a slouched posturemay also bean indication of something other than effective listening. Raised hands and relevantquestions are sure signs that you are communicating effectively. Learn to determine if studentsare listening by the type of feedback they provide. Effective listening depends on motivation,and you are the prime motivator in your classroom.Students should arrive for instruction ready to learn.They should participate and askquestions as they arise. Students must understand that they have responsibility for their own learning. This requires active listening on their part.

Build Friendships With Good Listening Skills Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you're strengtheing a relationship, resolving a conflict, or offering support in a facing a crisis, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Learn how to be a truly supportive listener, and you may find yourself surrounded by

others who are able to do the same. Here are some important steps to developing good listening skills: Here's How:
1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend whats wrong, and really listen

to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that youre interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.
2. Reframe

What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what theyre saying so they know youre hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like youre feeling hurt.

3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what theyre feeling.

Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.
4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of

your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.
5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which

cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until theyve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, theyre likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard. Tips:
1. Stay Present. Sometimes people feign listening, but theyre really just

waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever theyve been mentally rehearsing while theyve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesnt feel good. Also, they tend to miss whats being said because theyre not focused.

2. Dont Give Advice. Its common to want to immediately give advice

and fix your friends problem. Unless it's specifically requested, dont. While youre trying to help, what would work for you might not work for your friend; also, advice can feel condescending. Unless they ask directly for advice, your friend probably just wants to feel heard and understood, and then can find his or her own solutions.
3. Trust The Process. It might feel a little scary to listen to feelings

before diving into solutions, and hearing your friend talk about upset feelings might even make you feel helpless. But usually offering a supportive ear and sitting with your friend in an uncomfortable place is the most helpful thing you can do, and once the feelings are cleared out, the solutions can start coming.
4. Let Things Even Out Over Time. With all this focus on your friends

problems, it might be difficult not to focus equal time on your own. Relax in the knowledge that, when you need a friend, your friend will likely be a better listener for you. If youre consistently doing all the giving, you can re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. But being a good listener can make you a stronger, more caring person and bring a more supportive angle to your relationships.

Part 1.6

COMMUNICATION BARRIERS

Misunderstandings are inevitable especially when two or more people talking and are not careful of its presence and manifestations. Some common barriers are:
1. Language

language that is uncommon to parties talking is detrimental to the communication process. 2. Biases in perceptions our background, upbringing, training and orientation creates biases and prejudices in the way we see things. Take a look at the pictures below and compare your perceptions with the other members of the group.

3. Misreading of body language and other forms of non-verbal communication 4. Tone of voice 5. Receivers distortion - when one listens to what he only is interested about, thus becoming selective in what is hears out also

6. Assumptions

- one assumes that others see the situation the

same way he/she does

7. Interpersonal relationships

- communication from a superior may be perceived differently than that from a subordinate or peer. 8. Cultural differences - different orientations, practices, and norms pose miscommunication

Part 1.7
1. Visual

LEARNING TO READ NON-VERBAL CUES

2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

this includes body language such as facial expressions/eye movement, posture, gestures, and whole body movement. Try reading these: Tactile use of touch like handshake, pat on the shoulder or back, kiss, or bear hug. Vocal change in intonation can change the meaning, ex. no can be expressed in so many ways. Time differences in how a boss and subordinate view time, or how a student and a teacher view time. Space this is related to territory in the exercise of authority and power or intimacy. Image this can be in the form of clothing and other dimensions of physical appearance to communicate our values and expectations.

Part 2.1

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROPER BREATHING AND SUPPORT

One of the first obvious secrets to a well modulated voice is proper breathing. Since the voice is really a wind instrument, proper breathing is of utmost importance to play it. Controlled breathing, when used will enable one to talk in longer phrases. Controlled breathing consists of three essential activities or skills which one must develop:

1. The skills to inhale great volume or air and keep considerable reserves of it in the lungs as needed; 2. The skills to snatch a quick breath 3. The skill to control the exhalation of breath and support its pressure of escape.

We can translate these into the familiar scenario of saving for the rainy day. As long as you work hard, there will be money to deposit in your bank account (1) this money of course will grow if withdrawal is limited to the minimum; or at least done only whenever necessary. (2) if this practice is observed diligently, there will always be enough resources for your daily needs and even some extra amount to fall back on when emergency need arises. We usually need only a small volume of air to keep our body going. This is called shallow breathing. Let us take a close look at our lungs, the particular organ of the body that aid us in breathing.

(diagram)

The lungs are wider at the bottom than at the top. Nearly all of us use the upper portion but rarely do we exercise the broad parts at the bottom. To modulate voice effectively, we need to fill the lungs completely with air, concentrating more on the bottom part. Try these exercises: Exercise 1
1. Press the fingers of both hands into your sides on the last three lower

2.
3.

4. 5.

ribs and slowy take a deep breath through the nose and a comfortably open mouth. Concentrate on filling the lower bottom of the lungs. Imagine your lungs to be like a balloon that has to be filled up with air. Keep the shoulders down. Raising them tend to ease up the upper body and throat. Avoid the tendency to pull in the stomach because this prevents the lungs from expanding while being filled up with air. If you are breathing properly, your hands will be eased out. This is caused by the lungs and ribs expanding and the diaphragm straightening flat, pushing the abdominal muscles down and out.

Exercise 2
1. Stand up and take a full breath. Begin slowly to blow out your breath

as long as you can. When you are about mid-way doing this, you will feel your rib cage starting to collapse and you might start to think you are running out of air. The truth is that there is still some amount of air inside. What you really need to do is to squeeze a bit more to complete emptying of air from the lungs. To do this effectively, we must learn to:

a) Expand the rib cage as much as possible while breathing out. This will prevent a sudden escape of breath and an untimely and unwanted depletion of air reserves. b) Pull in the abdominal muscles in order to give a gentle upward push on the lungs from the underneath. This second skills is what we can support to the lungs. This natural support can also be felt in everyday activities such as coughing, laughing or sneezing. 1. Inhale again, then exhale; this time try to keep the air longer in the lungs by blowing out even more gradually. 2. Repeat several times; each time lengthening the exhalation time until you are comfortable with the process. Part 2.5 NERVOUSNESS IS NORMAL

Do your knees feel like Gumby's when you have to get up and speak in front of a group? Do you feel like the next words out of your mouth are going to be the dumbest words ever uttered by a human? If you said yes to either of the questions above, be advised, you have a fullblown case of stage fright, says Lenny Laskowski, a professional speaker and President of LJL Seminars. According to the book of lists, the fear of speaking in public is the #1 fear of all fears. The fear of dying is #7! Over 41% of people have some fear or anxiety dealing with speaking in front of groups. People who have this fear can experience all kinds of symptoms: Sweaty palms, accelerated heart rate, memory loss and even difficulty in breathing. Some of the world's most famous presenters have freely admitted to nervousness and stage fright. Mark Twain said it best, "There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars". Everyone, even experienced speakers, has some anxiety when speaking in front of a group of people. This is perfectly normal. The best way to deal with this anxiety is to first acknowledge that this fear is perfectly normal and you are not alone. To reduce your fear, you need to make sure you properly and thoroughly prepare yourself before you speak. Proper preparation and rehearsal can help to reduce this fear by about 75%. Proper breathing techniques can further reduce this fear by another 15%. Your mental state accounts for the remaining 10%. Below are just a few suggestions you should use to overcome your speaking anxiety. The first and most important of all is preparation. I like to think of it as the 9 P's: Prior Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance

 of the Person Putting on the Presentation.

Nothing will relax you more than to know you are properly prepared. Below are 10 steps you can take to reduce your speech anxiety.
1. Know the room - become familiar with the place in which you will speak. Arrive early and walk around the room including the speaking area. Stand at the lectern, speak into the microphone. Walk around where the audience will be seated. Walk from where you will be seated to the place where you will be speaking. 2. Know the Audience - If possible, greet some of the audience as they arrive and chat with them. It is easier to speak to a group of friends than to a group of strangers. 3. Know Your Material - If you are not familiar with your material or are uncomfortable with it, your nervousness will increase. Practice your speech or presentation and revise it until you can present it with ease. 4. Learn How to Relax - You can ease tension by doing exercises. Sit comfortable with your back straight. Breathe in slowly, hold your breath for 4 to 5 seconds, then slowly exhale. To relax your facial muscles, open your mouth and eyes wide, then close them tightly. 5. Visualize Yourself Speaking - Imagine yourself walking confidently to the lectern as the audience applauds. Imagine yourself speaking, your voice loud, clear and assured. When you visualize yourself as successful, you will be successful. 6. Realize People Want You To Succeed - All audiences want speakers to be interesting, stimulating, informative and entertaining. They want you to succeed - not fail. 7. Don't apologize For Being Nervous - Most of the time your nervousness does not show at all. If you don't say anything about it, nobody will notice. If you mention your nervousness or apologize for any problems you think you have with your speech, you'll only be calling attention to it. Had you remained silent, your listeners may not have noticed at all. 8. Concentrate on Your Message - not the medium - Your nervous feelings will dissipate if you focus your attention away from your anxieties and concentrate on your message and your audience, not yourself. 9. Turn Nervousness into Positive Energy - the same nervous energy that causes stage fright can be an asset to you. Harness it, and transform it into vitality and enthusiasm.

10.Gain Experience - Experience builds confidence, which is the key to effective speaking. Most beginning speakers find their anxieties decrease after each speech they give.

If the fear of public speaking causes you to prepare more, then the fear of speaking serves as it's own best antidote. Remember, "He who fails to prepare is preparing for failure - so Prepare, Prepare, Prepare" As speakers we all know the importance of properly preparing our material far enough in advance so we may have sufficient time to rehearse and "finetune" our speeches. Unfortunately, this is not enough to assure that your speech or presentation is well received. Your speech preparation must also include gathering information about your audience and their needs. A well prepared speech given to the wrong audience can have the same effect as a poorly prepared speech given to the correct audience. They both can fail terribly. It is critical that your preparation efforts include some amount of audience analysis. The more you know and understand about your audience and their needs, the better you can prepare your speech to assure that you meet their needs. Speech preparation should use what I like to call the 9 P's.

Prior Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance of the Person Putting on the Presentation. Nothing will relax you more than to know you have properly prepared. The stage fright or speech anxiety felt by many speakers is due to not knowing enough about the speaking environment or the audience. The more you know about your speaking environment and your audience, the more relaxed you will be when delivering your speech. Many speakers, however, often overlook the need to include any kind of audience analysis as part of their speech preparation. Proper audience analysis will assure that you give the right speech to the right audience. Most professional speakers send their clients a multi-page questionnaire in order to gather enough information about them and the speaking event to properly customize their speeches. Using the word "A-U-D-I-E-N-C-E" as an acronym, I have defined some general audience analysis categories that these surveys should include. A nalysis - Who are they? How many will be there? U nderstanding - What is their knowledge of the subject?

D emographics - What is their age, sex, educational background? I nterest - Why are they there? Who asked them to be there? E nvironment - Where will I stand? Can they all see & hear me? N eeds - What are their needs? What are your needs as the speaker? C ustomized - What specific needs do you need to address? E xpectations - What do they expect to learn or hear from you? Develop specific questions which fit into each of these eight categories and ask the client or audience to tell you what they want. Essentially, ask them what they need and give it to them. Part 3.1 THE BASIC STRUCTURE OF SPEECH There are 3 parts of a speech that will guide a speaker in his delivery. These are: 1. Introduction 2. Body 3. Conclusion INTRODUCTION Goals: Get the attention and interest of your audience, set the tone, reveal the topic, establish credibility and good will, and preview the speech. narrative humor quotation rhetorical question startling statement arouse curiosity reference to audience, occasion, or current events, previous speech presentation aids (visual/audio) Create desire on the part of the audience to listen. Answer the questions: Why should I care? and How does this topic relate to me? Show the scope of the issue, the degree of importance, and the ramifications.

Attention-getters Need

Reveal the topic and your interest or point of view.

Establish credibility and good will with the audience. Preview the body of the speech. BODY (Signposts throughout speech) Main points (2-5) Choose your organizational pattern based on the topic and your approach. State your main ideas as complete sentences and a single idea. Parallel the main ideas grammatically if possible. Your audience should be able to recognize and remember your main points. chronological spatial topical causal (both informative and persuasive logical reasons problem/solution problem/cause/solution comparative advantages Monroes motivated sequence refutation

Types of organization patterns

Support Use a variety of support (facts/statistics, testimony, examples), picked for your particular audience. Make sure each point is developed completely before going on to the next. If needed, summarize the point before making a transition to the next point. Document your sources to add credibility. Use recent, credible sources and cite them in your speech when necessary. Factors of attention, understanding and remembering need to be used. humor relevance intensity repetition

novelty compare/contrast visuals narratives examples

CONCLUSION Summarize Close with impact quotation narrative appeal to action return to opening theme TYPES OF SPEECHES

Part 3.2

There are a number of speeches that can delivered as there are a number of occasions that speeches are to be delivered. Here is a list:
1. Speech of introduction -

this could be referring to an introduction

of a person.
2. Speeches of courtesy 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

this can be in the form of welcome, response, acceptance, or closing remarks. The impromptu speech this is something that is not previously prepared by the speaker. Speeches of tribute this include memorial, farewell, or presentation of an award. Acting as host of a program - this is relating to providing transitions in a program Being the chairman of a meeting presiding a meeting requires the chair or deliver speeches Private speech situations this is in the form of conversations or in an interview. GENERAL PURPOSES OF SPEECH

Part 3.3

Have you ever tried to create a speech, but the ideas just didn't seem to gel? You know: they seem good enough, they support your message, but they just don't go together. When preparing your speech, it helps if you know what type of speech you want to create. There are four types:

Informational: this is the most prevalent type of speech. Your goal is to provide information to your audience. It is often presented with a series of numbers, statistics, and many PowerPoint slides... which tend to make it overdrawn and boring. Inspiring: in this type of speech, you seek to inspire your audience to change something in their lives. This is often called a "motivational speech". In fact, that is a misnomer. Motivation comes from within, nobody can give it to you. Inspiration seeks to draw that motivation from audience members in order to get them to act. Entertaining: the main goal of this speech is to make the audience laugh and to enjoy themselves. These ais the format of most after-dinner speeches. Notice that an entertaining speech is not the same as a standup routine. It is much smoother and logical in its flow. In an entertaining speech, the message comes second to the enjoyment of the audience. Persuasive: it aims to convince an audience of your point of view.Typically, this is a sales presentation. Your goal is to convince an audience of the benefits of your product or service, and your speech is constructed accordingly. Although your speech focuses on one of these types, it helps if you can include aspects of each type in your final delivery. A sales speech will be much more effective if it contains information, is entertaining, and inspiring.

If you have trouble figuring out which ideas to keep and which ones to chuck, first decide on a type of speech and keep only the ideas which fit that type. Once you've got the core elements in place, add elements that will enhance it without taking away from the core message. Part 3.4 LEARNING THE REQUISITES TO BECOME AN EFFECTIVE SPEAKER 7 Aspects Of a Dynamic Presentation There are 7 aspects people must deal with when preparing and delivering presentations. An effective speaker learns to deal with all 7 aspects at the same time. Failure to pay attention to all of these aspects can result in an

ineffective presentation. Failure to pay attention to too many of these can result in disaster. 1. Speaker 2. Message 3. Audience 4. Channel 5. Feedback 6. Noise 7. Setting ASPECT #1 - The Speaker -----------------------------------One of the major components of any speech or presentation is the speaker themselves (the source of the message). Many people forget they THEY are the presentation and NOT the visual aids. Many presenters today put so much effort into the visual aids and they forget that those are just aids to the speaker. There are three factors we need to consider about any speaker: a. His / Her motivation in giving the presentation b. His / Her credibility as a speaker c. His / Her delivery or speaking style a. A Speaker's motivation can be approached in terms of two considerations: ==> Whether direct personal reward (e.g. $$$) or indirect rewards (feeling good about helping others) are involved. ==> Whether immediate rewards ($$ today) or delayed rewards (getting a college degree after 4 years of college play a part. In essence, a speaker may be motivated by one or BOTH of these factors. Before speaking you should consider what YOUR motivations are. b. Speaker's credibility A speaker's ideas are accepted as believable only to the degree that the speaker is perceived to be credible. The speaker's credibility depends on his or her trustworthiness, competence, and good will. The speaker who is well organized will usually be considered competent.

The speaker who is attractive and dynamic will be seen as more credible than one who is not. The most fundamental factor a speaker projects is the attitude they have toward himself. c. Speaker's delivery The delivery, the way the message is presented, should compliment the speech's objective. A well written speech delivered poorly can quickly lose effectiveness. -------------------------------------ASPECT #2 - The Message -------------------------------------The message refers to EVERYTHING a speaker does or says, both verbally and non-verbally. The verbal component may be analyzed in terms of 3 basic elements: Content Style Structure

Let's look at each of these elements. a. Content - is what you say about your topic. The content is the MEAT of your speech or presentation. Research your topic thoroughly. Decide on how much to say about each subject. Then decide on the actual sequence you will use. It is important that you consider the audience's needs, time factors, and other items as the content of your speech or presentation is prepared and presented. b. Style - The manner in which you present the content of your speech is your style. Styles can vary from very formal to the very informal. Most presentations fall between these two extremes and in EVERY case, the style should be determined by what is appropriate to the speaker, the audience, as well as the occasion and setting. c. Structure - The structure of a message is its organization. There are many organizational variations, but in each case, the structure should include: An Introduction A Body

 A Conclusion The introduction should include: - an opening grabber such as a quote or shocking statistic. - an agenda - the purpose or main message of your presentation. The body should include: - your main points or ideas. - points which support your main message. The conclusion should include: - a summary of your main points. - a closing grabber. - time for questions & answers, if appropriate. When speeches and presentations are poorly organized, the impact of the message is reduced and the audience is less likely to accept the speaker or the speaker's ideas. -------------------------------------ASPECT #3 - The Audience -------------------------------------As a speaker you should analyze your listeners and then decide how to present your ideas. This analysis might include considerations related to: Age Sex Marital Status Race Geographic location Group membership Education Career

For example, if you are making a presentation on "Future Careers", knowing your audience's average age is vital. A well prepared speech that is ill-suited to the audience can have the same effect as a poorly prepared speech delivered to the correct audience. Both speeches will fail terribly. Proper audience analysis will assure that you give the right speech to the right audience. To properly customize the speech, most professional speakers send their clients a multi-page questionnaire in order to gather information about them and their speaking event. I will usually call some of

the members who can find out what the current trends are in their industry and ask what people are looking for. Using the word "A-U-D-I-E-N-C-E" as an acronym, I have defined some general audience analysis categories that your surveys should include: A_udience - Who are the members? How many will be at the event? U_nderstanding - What is their knowledge about the topic you will be addressing? D_emographics - What is their age, sex, educational background, etc.? I_nterest - Why will they be at this event? Who asked them to be there? E_nvironment - Where will I stand when I speak? Will everyone be able to see me? N_eeds - What are the listener's needs? What are your needs as a speaker? What are the needs of the person who hired you? C_ustomized - How can I custom fit my message to this audience? E_xpectations - What do the listeners expect to learn from me? NOTE: See my article on Audience Analysis for a more detailed discussion on this topic. Also, my new book, "No Sweat Presentations - The Painless Way to Successful Speaking" provides some specific questions you could ask along with a sample questionnaire you can use. -------------------------------------ASPECT #4 - The Channel -------------------------------------When we communicate with our audiences, we use many channels of communication. This includes non-verbal, pictorial and aural channels. It is very important that you use as many channels as you can to communicate with your audience. The more channels of communication you can use at the same time, the better. I have provided a brief list of examples for each of these types: A. Nonverbal 1. 2. 3. 4. gestures facial expressions body movement posture

B. Pictorial 1. diagrams 2. charts

3. graphs 4. pictures 5. objects C. Aural 1. tone of your voice 2. variations in pitch and volume 3. other vocal variety ---------------------------------------ASPECT #5 - The Feedback ---------------------------------------By "feedback" I mean the process through which the speaker receives information about how his or her message has been received by the listeners and, in turn, responds to those cues. The feedback process is not complete until the speaker has responded to the listener. This process includes the listener's reactions to the speaker's response and so forth. You can ask your audience questions and even ask them what their understanding is of the point you have just made. Watch for non-verbal clues from your audience and be prepared to respond to the reactions of your audience throughout your presentation. It is your responsibility to provide the information your audience needs to hear. Many times, you may be asked by management to provide a specific message to their employees that they may not want to hear. Remember, it is the management that is paying your fee and you are responsible to deliver the message they hired you to deliver. At the same time, it is important that you are sensitive to the audience and try to establish a relationship with them through the use of your surveys, conversations during the social hour, and even discussions following your presentation. ---------------------------------------ASPECT #6 - The Noise ---------------------------------------There are two types of noise a speaker must contend with: a. External Noise b. Internal Noise Let's look at each of these. External Noise - consists of sounds, people talking, coughing, shifting patterns, poor acoustics, temperature (too warm, too cold), poor

ventilation, and visual interference such as poor lighting, or an obstructed view. Internal Noise - if a speaker is confused or unclear about what he or she wants to express, this is due to internal noise. Internal noise can also arise if the speaker does not know or misanalyzes the audience. The role of the audience and the speaker is to simultaneously communicate with each other. It is this transactional nature of speech that makes feedback, and attempts to eliminate noise, so important. The most specific way a speaker can use to combat noise are: a. Use more than one channel of communication at the same time (verbal & non-verbal) b. Use repetition and restatement. The speaker can help combat this noise by making an extra effort to use as many channels of communications at the same time. It is important to include both verbal and non-verbal means of communication. ---------------------------------------ASPECT #7 - The Setting ---------------------------------------The place in which you deliver your presentation may be one that enhances or interferes with the effectiveness of your presentation. Determine ahead of time what the facilities are like before you speak. This way you can properly plan your delivery or make adjustments, if necessary. I recommend, when practical, that you make a trip to the location where your speech will take place. I even go so far as to ask the exact room I will be presenting in and ask the hotel conference coordinator to let me visit the room and check things out. On one particular occasion, several years ago, I had visited a room about 1 month before I was to speak at a large association meeting and noticed the room WAS NOT equipped for a microphone. This was a problem since the attendance was expected to be about 800 to 1000 people. I checked with the hotel if there were any other rooms available that same day of the event and I contacted the client and informed them about the situation. The client contacted the hotel and was able to change the room for their event. It was my planning that saved both myself and my client some embarrassment had we not changed the room. I have since spoken for this same client every year for the past 4 years because of the attention to detail I provided as part of my planning when I first spoke for them. This little "extra" effort on my part made me memorable to the client.

Look at speaking engagements as opportunities to practice your speaking skills. To be truly prepared and effective as a presenter, you must pay attention to all 7 of these aspects discussed above. This will take practice. The time you spend remembering these aspects will be worth the effort. Part 4.1 THE GIRAFFE LANGUAGE

The Giraffe Language the language of non-violence Though Jane enjoyed working as the sales manager of Wilbey & Sons, working with Scott, the financial manager, was a constant struggle for her. At every meeting, Scott would take great care to explain why all her ideas were unworkable. Also, Scott was constantly asking for sales projections and financial data from her and always wanted it in excruciating detail. Supplying these figures was taking up a large amount of her departments already packed schedule. Frankly she thought, he was nothing but a dry, negative perfectionist. Scott, on the other hand, thought that Jane was a maverick. She always had to interrup meetings with her harebrained schemes and whenever he asked her for the data he needed to keep the company finances in order, she would always stall and make him have to ask her again several times. Jane, he felt, was nothing but a happy-go-lucky, unrealistic show-off. It got to the point where neither of them could stand to be in the same room together. The company clearly suffered under this conflict between two of its key employees and something clearly needed to be done. Fortunately the CEO had a simple but surprising solution. I dont know about you, but I hate conflicts at work. Spending my work days mad at a co-worker, trying to avoid that person and subconsciously finding fault with everything they say or do is not exactly my idea of a good time. I used to be an expert at dodging conflicts on the job and Im here to tell you that it just doesnt work! What does work is biting the bullet and doing something about it here and now. I have seen what looked like huge,

insurmountable, serious conflicts go poof and disappear into dust when handled constructively. I have also seen an itty-bitty molehill of a problem grow into a mountain that threatened to topple an entire company. You cant win a conflict at work. Winning a conflict ie. getting the outcome you want regardless of what the other person wants can be gratifying, sure, but the problem is that the underlying issue has not been solved. It will simply reappear later over some other topic. Much better than winning a conflict at work is resolving it. And the price of inaction is high, because unresolved, long-running conflicts result in antagonism, break-down in communications, inefficient teams, stress and low productivity. In short, unresolved conflicts make people terribly unhappy at work. With all of this in mind, here are five essential steps to constructively resolve conflicts at work. The steps can be applied to any kind of conflict between co-workers with maybe one exception read more at the end of the post.

1: Realize that conflicts are inevitable at work Show me a workplace without conflict and Ill show you a workplace where no one gives a damn. Whenever people are engaged, committed and fired up, conflict and disagreement is bound to happen. This doesnt mean you have to revel in conflict or create trouble just for the hell of it, but it does mean that when conflict happens its not the end of the world. Quite the contrary, it can even be the beginning of an interesting learning process. The very best and most efficient workplaces are not the ones without conflicts but those who handle conflicts constructively. Particularly when a workplace is changing and new ideas are being up and implemented, conflict is inevitable. There can be no business without conflict. The trick is to make sure that you also have no without change, because that is the truly dangerous thing: Conflicts on for years with all parties refusing to budge. dreamt change conflict that go

The fact that you have a conflict at work does not reflect badly on you it mostly means that you care enough to disagree strongly. Thats a good thing provided that you do something about the conflict instead of just letting it go on forever. 2: Handle conflict sooner rather than later This is the single most important tip to successfully resolve conflicts: Do it now! Its very tempting to wait for a conflict to blow over by itself, but it rarely does in most cases it only gets worse with time. I refer you to this delightful cartoon by Claire Bretecher for an example. 90% of conflicts at work do not come from something that was said, but from something that wasnt said! Its tempting to try and smooth things over and pretend everything is normal. Dont. Thats the most common reason why conflicts at work escalate: Nobody does anything. Everyones waiting for the other guy to pull himself together and just admit hes wrong, dammit. It may be unpleasant to tackle the issue here and now but believe me, it gets even more unpleasant after the conflict has stewed for a good long while. 3: Ask! In the early stages of a conflict the most powerful tool to resolve it is simple: Ask! If somebody has done something that made you angry, if you dont understand somebodys viewpoint, if you dont understand their actions ask! Do it nicely. Say, I was wondering why you did X yesterday or Ive noticed that you often do Y. Why is that? are good examples. Why the hell do you always have to Z! is less constructive :o) Sometimes theres a perfectly good reason why that person does what he does, and a potential conflict evaporates right there. Also: Never assume that people do what they do to annoy you or spite you. People typically have a good reason to do the things they do, even the things that really get on your nerves. Never assume bad faith on anyone elses part. Instead: Ask!

4: Giraffe language For more entrenched conflicts that have been going on for a while, use giraffe language. Its the best tool around for constructively conveying criticism and solving conflict. An example: You and a co-worker often clash at meetings. Its gotten to the point where each of you are just itching to pounce on the slightest mistake the other person makes. You can barely stand the sight of each other and have begun to avoid each other as much as you can. This has been going on for a while now. Heres how you can use giraffe language to adress the conflict. Theres an invitation and six steps to it: Invitation Invite the other person to talk about the situation. An example: Say John, Id really like to talk to you. Do you have half an hour some time today? We could meet in meeting room B. A hurried conversation at your desk between emails and phone calls wont solve anything. You need an undisturbed location and time to adress the issue. And make no mistake: Giving this invitation may be the hardest part of the whole process. It can be remarkably hard to take that first step. Do it anyway! At the meeting itself, you need a way to structure the conversation constructively. Otherwise it could easily go like this: The good thing about giraffe language is that the conversation doesnt degenerate into mutual accusations. Without a proper structure the meeting could also go like this: John, why are you always attacking me at meetings? What are you talking about I dont do that! You do. Yesterday you jumped on me for suggesting that we add en extra programmer to the team. Weve talked about that a thousand times, we dont have the budget for more people. That was no reason to stomp me and the idea at the meeting.

Well thats what you did to me when I suggested that we review the project model. Etc. etc. etc. Ever had one of those discussions at work? Not much fun and not very productive either! Giraffe language keeps accusations, assumptions and mutual attacks out of the conversation and makes it much more likely to reach a solution. Heres how it goes. Its important that you prepare the meeting thoroughly and write down notes to each step so you know what youre going to say. After each of the steps (except ii and iii) ask the other person if he agrees with your thinking and if hed like to add anything. i) Observation. Identify what you see in neutral, objective terms. John, Ive noticed that in our project meetings, we get very critical of each others ideas. For instance, the other day you suggested reviewing our project model and I jumped on you for suggesting it, though its actually a necessary step. I have noticed that weve ended up doing something like this in almost every meeting in the last few months. It also seems to be getting worse. Would you agree with this description of the situation? This is where you describe the facts of the situation as objectively as possible. What is actually happening? When and how is it happening? What is the other person doing and, not least, what are you doing? Youre only allowed to cite observable facts and not allowed to assume or guess at what the other person is thinking or doing. You can say Ive noticed that youre always criticizing me at our meetings because thats a verifiable fact. You cant say Ive noticed that youve stopped respecting my ideas because that assumes something about the other person. ii) Apologize. Apologize for your part in the conflict. John, I want to apologize for attacking you at the meetings. It has a bad effect on the mood of our meetings and I can see that it makes you angry. I apologize.

If youre 100%, totally and utterly without fault in the conflict you may skip this step. That doesnt happen too often, let me tell you, usually everyone involved has done something to create and sustain the conflict. Remember: Youre not accepting the entire blame, youre taking responsibility for your contribution to the situation. iii) Appreciate. Praise the other part in the conflict. Tell them why its worth it to you to solve the conflict. I know we dont always see eye to eye and that we have very different personalities but I want you to know that I really appreciate your contribution to the project. Without you we would never have gotten this far in the same time. Also the way you communicate with our clients and your ability to find out what they really want are second to none and a boost to the project. This can be difficult, few people find it easy to praise and appreciate a person they disagree strongly with, but its a great way to move forward. It also serves as a lithmus test: If you cant think of a single positive thing to say about the other person, you may not be ready to resolve the conflict yourself. In this case see tip 5 (mediation) below. iv) Consequences. What has the conflict led to for you and for the company? Why is it a problem? I dont like this situation we have now. Its making me anxious before meetings and its making the meetings less productive. I also think some of the other project members are starting to wonder what its all about. Jane asked me the other day why the two of us can never agree on anything. I think this is actually harming the project. Would you agree? Outlining the consequences of the conflict shows why its necessary to resolve the conflict. It also helps participants to look beyond themselves and see the conflict from the outside. v) Objective. What would be a good outcome. I would like for us to listen more an appreciate each others ideas more. You have some great ideas and even if I dont agree with an idea, I can still listen and make constructive suggestions. Does that sound like a good goal?

Its essential to set a goal so both parties know the outcome theyre aiming for. That makes reaching the outcome a lot more likely :o) vi) Request. Ask for specific actions that can be implemented right away. I suggest that we introduce a new rule: At meetings when one of us suggest something and the other person disagrees, we start by saying whats good about the idea and then say how it could be better. Also if we start to attack each other as we have before, I suggest we both excuse ourselves from the meeting and talk about it in private instead of in front of the entire team. Also, what do you say we have a short talk after our next project meeting to evaluate how it went. How does that sound? The standard version of giraffe language has four steps and is formulated slightly differently. What you see here is an adaptation of traditional giraffe language to the business world that is more suited to conflicts at work. Why is it called giraffe language? Because the giraffe has the biggest heart of any animal on dry land (it needs to, to pump blood all the way up to its brain). The great thing about giraffe language is that:

It gives structure to a difficult conversation It minimizes assumptions and accusations It focuses on the real problems not just the symptoms It results in a plan of action not just vague assuarances to do better

5: Get mediation George, the CEO of Wilbey & Sons, wanted Jane and Scott, his sales and financial managers, to work well together, but he also knew that something new was need to break the ice between them. He invited them to a meeting in his office and as they sat there, next to each other across his desk, the resentment between them was apparent you could sense how they were each ready to spring into action and defend themselves.

His opening took them both by surprise, though. Jane, would you please tell me what you admire about Scott. This was not what they had expected, and Jane needed a moment to get her mind around that particular question. Well he its I have to say that his reports are always excellent and that his department runs like clockwork. Also he handled that situation with the bank last month quickly and without a hitch. The CEOs next question was And Scott, what do you appreciate about Jane? Having heard the first question, Scott was caught less by surprise and smoothly replied Sales are up 17% this quarter because of her last campaign and it looks like the trend will continue.And I must say that the customers I talk to all like the new pricing structure she introduced. From that moment on the mood in the room had shifted, and the three of them could have a real conversation about Scott and Janes differences and how to resolve them. Though they never became friends, they were able to work effectively together and appreciate each others strengths. Some conflicts are so entrenched that they can not be solved by the participants alone; outside help is needed in the form of conflict mediation. Mediation involves finding a third party trusted by the people involved in the conflict, and then trusting that person to help find a solution. The mediator can be a manager, HR employee, a business coach, a co-worker, etc. You can still speed up the mediation process by preparing for it by using the giraffe language steps above. What if all of this doesnt work? There is no guarantee that the method described here will resolve your conflict at work. It may or it may not. But even if it doesnt work you have the satisfaction of knowing that youve tried. You have risen above the conflict for a while and tried to address it positively and constructively. No one can ask more of you. One kind of conflict at work is particularly tricky, namely a conflict with your manager. With a good manager who responds constructively to criticism, this

is rarely a problem, but a conflict with a bad or insecure manager can seriously impact your working situation and needs special handling. Theres a post coming next week about working with bad managers. Top 10 bad excuses for staying in a bad job If youre unhappy at work, Im sure that the thought Man, I really should quit! crosses your mind occasionally. So why dont you? Even if you long desperately to quit, to get away from your horrible workplace, annoying co-workers or abusive managers, you may hesitate to actually do anything about it, because right on the heels of that impulse come a lot of other thoughts that hold you back from quitting. Each of these excuses may sound to you like the voice of sanity, offering perfectly good reasons why it is in fact better to stay and endure that bad job just a little longer, but look a little closer, and they dont really hold up. What they do instead is keep you trapped in a job that is slowly but surely wearing you down. Here are 10 of the most common bad excuses for staying in a bad job. #1 Things might get better That jerk manager might be promoted out of there. That annoying co-worker could quit.That mound of overwork could suddenly disappear. On the other hand, things might also get worse. Or they might not change at all. If youve already done your best to improve your job situations and nothings happened, just waiting around for things to improve by themselves make little sense. #2 My boss is such a jerk but if I quit now, he wins. Who cares. This is not about winning or losing, this is your life. Move on, already.

#3 Im not a quitter. Well guess what these somewhat successful people have in common: Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Tiger Woords, Reese Witherspoon, John McEnroe and John Steinbeck? Yep, they all dropped out of Stanford. The old saying that Winners never quit and quitters never win is just plain wrong and leaving a bad job is just common sense. #4 Ill never get another job Well not if you stay in your current job while it slowly grinds you down, you wont! Move on now while you still have some self-confidence, motivation and energy left. #5 If I quit Ill lose my salary, status, company car, the recognition of my peers, etc. Yes, quitting a job carries a price and that makes it scary. We all know this intimately. But few of us ask this question: What is the price of staying in a job that makes you unhappy? That price can be very high. It can ruin your work life but also your marriage, your family life, your health, your self-esteem and your sanity. Not all at once, but a little bit every day. #6 Everywhere else is just as bad Thats just nonsense. There are plenty of great workplaces in every industry. #7 Ive invested so much in this job already You may have sacrificed a lot of time, energy and dignity already in attempts to make things better. This will make it more difficult for you to call it quits.

Im reminded of how Nigerian email scammers sucker in people. At first its a small investment, but then the amounts grow and grow. At each step the victim is reluctant to stop because that would mean losing all the money hes spent so far. Quit anyway. Staying on is just throwing good time after bad. #8 Ill lose my health insurance. I have a lot of sympathy for this argument. Where I live (Denmark), everybody gets free health care regardless of their employment situation so I cant imagine the leverage this must give employers. One answer: Start looking for another job with similar health benefits. Also: Ask yourself what good job related health insurance is if your job is actually making your sick which bad jobs can absolutely do. #9 My job pays very well I have zero sympathy for this argument. I dont care how well your job pays; if it makes you unhappy its not worth it. Quite the contrary, if you make a lot of money now, use that financial security to quit and find a job thatll make you happy. #10 Quitting will look bad on my CV Whereas staying for years in a job that grinds you down and goes nowhere will look excellent. The upshot Many of us would be much happier at work if we quit bad jobs sooner. Ive talked to many people who have finally managed to quit a bad job and only wished theyd done it sooner. I have yet to meet a single person who quit a crappy job only to wish theyd stayed on longer.

You may have perfectly good reasons to stay in your crappy job all Im saying is that it pays to examine those reasons very closely to make sure that they hold up. Cause it may just be the fear talking. Your take What do you think? Have you ever been stuck in a lousy workplace? What kept you from leaving? What finally made you quit? Please write a comment, Id love to hear your take.

When is your quitting point? The upshot So here are my top six tips for finding your quitting point: 1. Give up the idea that you can know for sure whether or not its time to quit. Its always going to be a leap. 2. Listen to your intuition. Your gut may know before your mind. 3. Remember what quitting can cost you but also remember what staying in a bad job can cost you! 4. Remember that the longer you stay in a bad job, the harder it gets to leave. 5. Most people stay too long in bad jobs mostly because they fear the uncertainty that comes with quitting. 6. Most people, once theyve quit, find that their situation improves. Maybe not immediately, but certainly after a few months. What about you? Have you tried quitting a job? What was your quitting point? What happened did you end up regretting it or being happy that you finally quit? Write a comment Id really like to know!

Part 4.2 The Compassionate Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Human beings the world over say they want to contribute to the well-being of others, to connect and communicate w others in loving, compassionate ways. Why then, is there so much disharmony and conflict?

Setting out to find answers, I discovered that the language many of us were taught interferes with our desire to live i harmony with one another. At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels people; it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal is good for te people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)."

The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so preoccupied with getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see in future. Similarly, Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in quickly classifying or analyzing people, they understand th Unhappy about what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved, saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "The culturally deprived." This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack.

I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of interacting that promotes the well-being of ourselves and other p call this means of communicating Giraffe. The giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal, is tall enough to look future, and lives its life with gentility and strength. Like-wise, Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about wh going on for us - without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respe an answer. Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a language of demands.

By the time I identified these two languages, I had thoroughly learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. W would I say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant and I wanted to influence him to chan behavior? Giraffes, I realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even interested in changing p rather, they are interested (italics) "in providing opportunities for them to be willing to change." One way of providing opportunity, I decided, would be to approach the other person with a message such as: "Please do this, but only if y do it willingly - in a total absence of fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear, guilt, or shame, I lose."

As Giraffes, we make requests in terms of what we want people to do, not what we want them to feel. All the while, w clear of mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling people they "should" or "have to" or "must" or "ough something. These terms eliminate choice. Without the freedom to choose, life becomes slave like. "I had to do it, sup orders" is the response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted by directives and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their actions.

As time passed, I learned much more about Giraffes. For one thing, they do not make requests in the past. They do or even think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned the living room last night." Instead, Giraffes state cle what they want in the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware that their feelings are caused by wants. If a mother is upset because her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will identify her feeling: ang will then get in touch with the underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat and orderly living room will own the anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a mess." Finally, ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so much better if you'd just put these toys away."

Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you... ," Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want ... " As Giraffes, w that the cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become an

because of the thoughts we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us.

Jackals, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is result of assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside us but rather by what is going on "out In response, we say things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine has hurt our feelings. A this tendency, a Giraffe will conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."

As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At the same time, we attempt to give others an opportunity to act that will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want more respect from his father. After getting in touch with his over the decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please ask me if I want a haircut before makin barbershop appointment for me." Giraffes say what they do want; rather than what they don't want. "Stop that," "Cut or "Quit that" do not inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't." Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each person feels a sense of well-being and no one feels forced into blame, guilt, or punishment: As such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony. Stating a Request Clearly Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in honesty: Describe your observation Identify your feeling Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs State your request

In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If you have come home from a busy day and your par seems preoccupied with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in the door after an especiall day, you seemed busy reading." Identify your feeling: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your feeling: "I feel hurt beca would like to feel close to you right now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your request in d terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug and a few moments of sharing?"

The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a call. De the situation: "When you have the phone tied up for so long, other calls can't come through." Express your feeling an reason for it: "I'm feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from someone." Then state your request: "I' you to bring your conversation to a close if that's all right."

In a Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely punished. People are expected to be docile, subservient to auth slave like in their reactions, and alienated from their feelings and needs. In a Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs, and requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather than demand. And we are a the fine line of distinction between these two types of statements.

In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for us by doing what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in try persuade others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge that we have no control over the other person response. And we stay in Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems upset or tense, we switc listening, which allows us to hear the person's feelings, needs, and wishes (italics) without hearing any criticism of ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the reques Responding to a "No" Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in empathy: Describe the situation

Guess the other person's feeling

Guess the reason for the feeling, together with the unmet need; then let the person verify whether you have c understood Clarify the unmet need

When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to protect their autonomy. They have heard a requ demand and are saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose to do it, and not because I am forced to do it." Sighi sulking, or screaming can likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's need to act from a positi willingness. If people scream at us, we do not scream back. We listen beneath the words and hear what they are rea saying - that they have a need and want to get their need met.

If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go someth this: Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your chores at your own pace rather than being to do them? Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. [Note the defensive mode, indicating a need to be listened to.]

Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether?

Child: You order me around! [The child still needs to be listened to. The parent must keep guessing what the child i about feelings and wants.] Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want them done, you do them. Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all of them?

Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around and you have no choice about when to do your ch

Child: Yeah... no... I don't know. I just don't feel like being bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and sta open up because she's feeling heard without judgment.)

If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the people close to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So w and listen, reflecting back with guesses about what they are feeling and wanting, until they feel heard and shift out o defensive. We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the person's voice and body language will indicate that a shift has occu

At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murde a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!" - that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't being met. That is where I focused attention. After about 40 minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense we have been accurately h and listened to: he changed. The situation was immediately defused of all tension. He later invited me to dinner.

In international disputes, as well as in relationship, business, classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn to h human being behind the message, regardless of how the message is framed. We can learn to hear the other person unmet needs and requests. Ultimately, listening empathically does not imply doing what the person wants; rather, it showing respectful acknowledgment of the individual's inner world. As we do that, we move from the coercive langu have been taught to the language of the heart.

Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love; giving other people an opportunity to contribute to our well-being and to exercise generosity. Empathically receiving what is going on in others is a reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience lo openness and sensitivity, with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill requests at either end of a dispute. An outcome of any dialogue ruled by love is harmony.

In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once you've learned to hear the heart behind any message, you dis that there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With that discovery, you are well on your way to compa communication. This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement between disputing parties, set stage for negotiation, compromise, and most importantly, mutual understanding and respect.

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION & GIRAFFE SPEAK = PEACE! Posted By: Michael_Saint_Clair [Send E-Mail] Date: Wednesday, 13-Oct-2004 07:58:03 Have been studying "Giraffe Language", which is something a searcher has studied who conducted experiments in handling a new way of settling disputes in non-violent communications. It is a long subject and it is treated in a small book by a German author, Baerbel Mohr in her book "Reclamations to the Universe". I went to the source to learn, finding not to my surprise that the authors' group had Rumi, Krishnamurti & Thich Nhat Hanh as inspiration and as teachers... What we humans do wrong according to this study is that we speak in Wolves' language, or in a suicidal type of language, when we blame others with hurtful words hurled at 'the other'. Remember the mirror, Libra, as we project it at ourselves. Here is an example the searcher Marshall Rosenberg found when dealing with two warring Nigerian tribes' chieftains: "Those over there are murderers," states chieftain A. "THey want to oppress us," states chieftain B (in answers to A). The mediator (Rosenberg) uses giraffes language to hear between the two short lines. He hears feelings and needs in the two statements, he translates what they mean to say to each of them: "If I hear you correctly you have a need to be taken as an equal, seriously, and you would like to be treated correctly as if you were a member of the other tribe. A need for safety is expressed. Conflicts shall be resolved without causing pain and without the others having to fear for their lives. Is that correct?" "That's exactly what I meant," state the two chieftains at once... of course they stated it differently, see above... Rosenberg proceeds with a role change, and each chieftain is made to repeat what the other has expressed in giraffes language as opposed to wolves language. Then, Rosenberg makes them give thanks to each other, and they part peacefully. They never attacked each other again. It is a well recorded test experiment. A similar longer lasting school test was done in a prep type school for small

kids in Israel where Palestinians and Israeli children function together in one place. The kids have 'mediators' among themselves, kids mediators their own age, applying the theory of Rosenberg's and they settle their own disputes using language of feelings - expressing needs - and understanding each other. There is a role play and coordinated ritual type progression in how the kids learn to hear and speak giraffe language. It is a hint we can do it too... and succeed in our lives... I want to show you now an example of Jupiter-in-Libra activity. A practice & study that will serve us well very soon indeed... A MEETING BETWEEN A LANGUAGE OF THE HEART AND A PRACTICE OF THE HEART. "Imagine for a moment that you're on a peace mission in Palestine with a few sangha members, and are holding a talk. Imagine that one of the Palestinians in the audience suddenly jumps up, and starts to yell at you, at the top of his voice: 'Murderer!' 'Assassin!' Before you know it, most of your 100-head strong audience has joined in, and the situation becomes threatening. How would you feel? What would you do? Breathing and smiling aren't going to defuse this situation. Some people may get by on the strength of their presence, personality or charisma, but most of us would be deeply grateful for a workable strategy that offers a way to defuse the situation, and more importantly, to connect with the hearts of the people in the audience. After all, that's why you're there. The news that I'd like to bring you in this article is that such a strategy exists, can easily be learnt, and has been proven to work. When it was applied in the above situation, it was so effective that the person holding the talk was invited for Ramadan supper by the very Palestinian who first shouted "murderer!" It happened to peace mediator Marshall Rosenberg a few years ago. The strategy that he applied is called 'Non-violent Communication,' or 'Compassionate Communication.' It's also known as 'a language of the heart', or 'giraffe,' because the animal has the largest heart of any land-animal. Giraffes also have long necks with which they can more easily see the future consequences of their actions, and pea-sized brains that make it impossible for 'giraffes' to take in all the heady analyses, criticisms, blame, shame and right/wrong judgements of their unfortunate counterpart, the 'jackal.' The 'jackal' is an animal with a rather dubious reputation, but when we look more closely, it's a lot less dangerous than we may think, and can even appear rather cuddly. In 'Non-violent Communication' (NVC) it's chosen as the symbol of the critical, blaming and shaming habit energies that we've all been taught. Non-violent Communication was developed by Dr. Rosenberg, an American psychologist who once studied with Carl Rodgers. He was curious why certain people manage to stay centred and loving in the face of even the most challenging circumstances, and in a society that routinely uses coercive and

controlling thinking and language, ie blame, criticism, shame and punishment, as a way of expressing its needs. Examples of this 'jackal' form of expression are adjectives like: unfair, uncaring, inattentive, dumb, controlling, dishonest, defensive, lazy, dumb, disrespectful, incompetent, or labels like 'bureaucrat,' 'asshole,' 'miser,' 'egotist,' 'nigger,' 'poof,' and so on. According to Rosenberg, 'jackal' is a "life-alienating form of thinking and communication," and the root of the immense suffering and violence that plague our planet. Many great spiritual teachers, including Thay, (SEE LINK BELOW!) proclaim something similar, namely that the roots for the suffering in our society are found in the thinking of individuals. 'If you have a gun, you can kill a dozen people, if you have an ideology and try to enforce it, you can kill millions.' This is, because that is. Meditation is one way of quieting the noisy judgements of our rational mind.' Thay has called meditation our "appointment with ourselves." It is an opportunity to listen to ourselves, to listen to our heart, to practice presence and deep understanding. Add his emphasis on relationships, families, communities, compassion, and reconciliation, and one could call his path 'a practice of the heart.' My contention is that this 'practice of the heart' and NVC's 'language of the heart' are delightfully complementary and mutually reinforcing. Like mindfulness practice, Rosenberg's 'giraffe' language is simple and very powerful. He has looked deeply into the nature of the way we habitually think and communicate, and offers the most radical and hopeful alternative that I have come across. And like Thay's teachings, his alternative strongly emphasizes non-duality, not taking sides, and reconciliation. In fact, the quintessences of NVC and Thay's practice are so similar as to be almost identical. Rosenberg loves to quote a poem by Rumi that describes it perfectly for him: "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense." For me this poem expresses exactly the same sentiment as Thay's "Please Call Me By My True Names," which is non-judgement, interbeing, and compassion. NVC takes a big leap into this new paradigm by doing away with all coercive and controlling thinking and language, expressed in words like 'right,' 'wrong,' 'too' this or that, 'should,' 'ought,' and so on. When I encountered NVC I realized that all I'd done during my years of spiritual training was to extend the limits of the 'wrong' behavior that I was willing to look deeply at with compassion and understanding. But I still felt that there were such things as 'right' and 'wrong' behavior, and I still labeled people and their behavior in ways that dehumanized them, using words like incompetent,

slow, boring, cruel, inconsiderate, self-centred, selfish, thrifty, and so on. However, and this is a concept that's initially hard to grasp, NVC recommends eradicating every sense of rightdoing and wrongdoing; to go all the way and not even judge murder or the destruction of our environment as 'wrong.' We can immediately sense the enormous ramifications. For most people, myself included when I first heard about it, this feels like a terrifying leap into the unknown. How can we protect our freedom and our safety and peace and the beauty and richness of our planet if we cannot say that cutting down all the rainforests, murdering people, or selling weapons, is wrong? NVC does not condone any of these actions. Instead it offers a powerful language with which we can express our likes and dislikes, our values and our needs, in a non-coercive, non-blaming, Non-violent way, that is likely to be much more effective. NVC does this by employing three masterstrokes: First, it relates our feelings to our 'needs,' and not to the events that happen around us. Second, it defines human 'needs' as universal, 'divine' qualities that all human beings share. And third, it distinguishes our needs from "specific, do-able, here and now requests." From these premises a common language of the heart springs that all human beings share and understand. Another way of putting it is that 'giraffe' is a way of connecting with, and communicating with, our own and the other person's Buddha nature. In order to explain how it works, I need to get a little bit technical and outlay the fundaments of the 'giraffe' language. It may seem a little bit complicated at first, and like any new language needs repeated practice to apply it fluently. But once we 'get it,' it will feel much more natural than our habitual 'jackal' language of blame, shame and punishment. Gandhi once observed: 'don't confuse what's habitual with what's natural.' "Classic giraffe" employs the following four basic steps: 1) Observation. Identify what we see in purely descriptive language. This means no evaluations or interpretations. Krishnamurti called this the most difficult thing a human being can do. Thay also often emphasizes the importance of double-checking our perceptions. 2) Feelings. Get in touch with how we feel in the present moment, and name pure feelings. 'I feel rejected,' or 'I feel misunderstood' are feelings mixed with evaluations, and unhelpful. Instead communicate heart feelings such as: sad, hurt, frustrated, happy, sceptical, resistant, touched, serene, mindful, intrigued, relaxed, open, scared, optimistic, etc. etc. Naming our feelings without evaluation is an aspect of the 'stopping' aspect of our mindfulness practice, and this is one of many of our practices that are complementary with NVC. 3) Needs. Identify the here and now need that is causing our feeling. For example, "I feel scared because I don't get any safety," or "I feel joyful because of the appreciation I'm getting," or "I feel frustrated because I'm not

getting respect." 4) Request. Ask for a specific action that is do-able right here and right now. This offers a practical opportunity for creating heart-connection and making each other's life more wonderful."

The Language of Nonviolence

from the Summer 1998 issue of "Yes! A Journal of Positive Futures" magazine 206-842-0216

Marshall B. Rosenberg travels the globe teaching Nonviolent Communication to diplomats, educators, corporate managers, parents, military personnel, peace activists and others in over 20 countries. He has conducted mediation sessions in the Middle East, Sierra Leone, Croatia, and Rwanda. Sarah van Gelder interviewed Marshall when he was on Bainbridge Island Washington to help mediate a dispute between developers and local activists. SARAH: What was communication? it that first got you interested in nonviolent

MARSHALL: I got interested in this type of communication through pondering two kinds of smiles. My family was the only Jewish family in our Detroit neighborhood, and I was exposed to a considerable amount of violence. The beatings every day on my way home were not pleasant, of course, but what bothered me most was that the on-lookers would smile and enjoy it. During each day of my childhood, I also saw another kind of smile. My grandmother was totally paralysed with Lou Gehrig's Disease, and my uncle came over co help care for her every day after he finished working. My grandmother was incontinent at that time, so it required cleaning her up. As a bo of eight or nine, I thought it was a horrible job! But I couldn't wait for the uncle to come, because he smiled as though he were getting the greatest pleasure a person could gec just by serving my grandmother. I grew up wondering why, it is that some people smile when others are being beaten and other people smile when they're giving pleasure, even though it may mean doing dirty work. SARAH: Where did you go to look for the answer to that guestion? MARSHALL: I got a doctoral degree in psychology; but I was very dissatisfied with its focus on pathology. The training didn't help me understand very compassionate people like my uncle.

So, for about a year, I studied comparative theology on my own. I saw the commonality that existed in many religions, especially around this word "love." I soon saw that the words "compassion" and "love" were not so much feelings as they were actions. They are a way of serving people with pleasure and getting joy from that service. I think that is part of our nature. When I say that, people sometimes think I'm rather Pollyanna-ish to talk this way with the enormity of violence in the world. I see an awful lot of violence in my work, but I've become even more convinced that violence is not our nature. I was in a refugee camp in Sierra Leone, Africa, and there were hundreds of frightened kids just sitting around who had lost their parents. One of the men I worked with went over and told these kids that I liked one of their hymns. Then he called me over as a surprise and said, "These kids have something they want to give you." Now, I had just seen them a few minutes before - pathetic, frightened, scared. But when he told them that this would be a real gift to me, they started to sing me this hymn, and I couldn't believe the looks of pure joy and happiness on their faces. Its amazing. People, no matter what conditions they're under, can give. SARAH: How does your approach to communication get people in touch with love and compassion? MARSHALL: The purpose of the model we use is to enable us to respond compassionately to ourselves and others, and to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others. We call the language that we teach "giraffe language," though its official name is "Nonviolent Communication." I use the image of a giraffe because it's a language of the heart, and a giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal. Unfortunately for myself, I was taught to speak "jackal language." You see, a jackal is closer to the ground. They get so preoccupied with getting their needs met that they just can't see into the future like the tall giraffe. Jackals speak in ways that block compassionate communication, because they're motivated out of fear, shame, and guilt. SARAH: Can you talk about jackal language first? I was particularly struck by your idea of how we always have choices in how we act. MARSHALL: I first got the idea that we always have choices from the psychologist who examined the top Nazi war criminals. What he found was that they were pretty normal, nice people. But I noticed as I was reading through the interviews how often a language was used by these people that denied choice: "should," "one must," "have to." In Hannah Arendt's book, "Eichmann in Jerusalem," Eichmann was asked, "Was it difficult for you to send these tens of thousands of people to their

death?" And Eichmann answered very candidly, "To tell you the truth, it was easy. Our language made it easy." His interviewer asked what that language was, and Eichmann said, "My fellow officers and I coined our own name for our language. We called it amtssprache - 'office talk.'" When asked for examples, Eichmann said, "It's basically a language in which you deny responsibility for your actions. So if anybody says, 'Why did you do it?' you say, 'I had to.' 'Why did you have to?' 'Superiors' orders. Company policy. It's the law.'" There's no force on Earth that can make us do anything that we don't choose to do, though we may not always like the choices that we're aware of. SARAH: You've mentioned two other compassion - evaluations and demands. types of language that block

MARSHALL: The Nazis and others who persecute people, in addition to denying responsibility for their actions, evaluate themselves and others through the use of dehumanizing labels, diagnoses, and interpretations. That involves using such words as "kikes," "niggers," or "gooks," etc. I'm equally concerned about positive diagnoses, by the way. Whether I say you are a nice person or a selfish person, I'm still claiming to know what you are, and thereby alienating myself from the truth about you. I believe that diagnosing and interpreting other people disconnects us from their vulnerability and encourages us to punish them. A third type of jackal language is a demand. As I use the term, demands carry a threat of punitive action if not acted upon. For example, let's say I just asked you to get me some water, and you reply that you are tired and would appreciate it if I asked someone else to get me some water. Then I say, "You're just lazy, I've done more work than you have today." We would realize that I was making a demand because of my attempt to punish you through shame for not acting in harmony with my desires. I learned about the self defeating nature of demands when I was a practicing psychologist. I spent many hours talking with children who weren't doing what their parents were requesting. I learned that the kids were receiving those requests as demands. The children would tell me things like, "I don't feel like studying when my parents threaten to take away my allowance." Or, "Would vou feel like taking the garbage out if your parents said that you were lazy and irresponsible?" SARAH: OK, Let's talk about compassionate communication? giraffe language. How do you foster

MARSHALL: We basically ask people to answer the question that we ask all over the world: "How are you?" Of course, "How are you?" has become ritualized in many, cultures, but it's a profoundly important question, because living in harmony with our nature which I think is compassion - requires being able to stay connected to one

another. So, our training involves nakedly and vulnerably revealing at any given moment how you are. The next step is to talk about what could be done to make life even more wonderful. In my work, I find that if people would just keep their communication focused at that level - "How are you? What would make your life more wonderful?" -- this natural compassion flows even when the people have an enormously painful history. For example, I was asked to work in a village in Nigeria where a quarter of the population had been killed in conflicts between Muslims and Christians that year. I'm in a room with the chiefs of both tribes; my friend had told me earlier there would be at least three people in that room who knew that somebody who killed their child was there with them. So, what do I do? I try to get people's attention focused on those two areas: "How are you? What would make life more wonderful for you?" One of the key ingredients is to find out what their needs are that aren't getting met. So I asked both sides, "What are your needs?" And a chief from one of the tribes looks at the other and says, "You people are murderers!" And the other side immediately jumps up and says, "You people have been trying to dominate us for years!" I believe that this analysis implying wrongness creates violence. In a case like this one, I try to hear how the person is behind their talk. I hear the need that's being expressed, and then I help the other side hear that. Then I keep that flow going back and forth. No matter how they communicate, I translate it into how they are and help each side connect compassionately at that level. Within about two hours, one of the chiefs said, "If we knew how to do this ourselves, we wouldn't have to kill each other." If I can keep people focused, I have yet to see any conflict that can't be resolved. Now, it's not easy to keep people at that level. SARAH: Because it's asking people to be vulnerable? MARSHALL: Well, that's a part of it. Instead of teaching us how to communicate in this vulnerable way, our cultural programming has taught us to imply wrongness in people who behave in ways that you don't like. If you live within such a culture, then yes, it's very scary to be vulnerable. I get into a lot of settings, especially in businesses, where people are not used to being vulnerable. They're all in a competitive game. During one session, I got very emotional. Tears came to my eyes. The boss of this organization just looked really disgusted and turned away from me. It was horrible for a few seconds, because I allowed the look on his face to stimulate old jackal programming in me. I thought, "Oh, my God, I've behaved inappropriately. He must think I'm a real mess." But, when I remembered to direct my attention to how he was feeling and what he was needing, I said to him, "Are you feeling disgusted and needing

whoever's running a meeting like this to have his emotions more in control?" At that moment, it wasn't painful for me to be vulnerable, because I was seeing his vulnerability. I really thought I was accurate, but I was surprised with his response, because he said, "No, no. I was just thinking of how my wife wishes I could cry. I'm getting a divorce right now. She says that living with me is like living with a stone." SARAH: Does your approach require that all involved ure willing to play by certain rules? MARSHALL: No, you can keep this proress going with anybody regardless of how they're communicating. The important thing is to teach people how to listen for how the other person is, even when that other person doesn't know how to communicate very clearly. SARAH: I was interested in an example you shared in one of your workshops about a group of teachers who were having a conversation that wasn't feeding you spiritually. MARSHALL: Well, I was sitting around with a group of teachers who were all talking about what they did on vacation. Within ten minutes, my energy had dropped very low; I had no idea what people were feeling or wanting. In giraffe, we know it's not being kind to the other person to smile and open your eyes wide to hide the fact that your head has gone dead. The person in front of you wants their words to enrich you, so when they aren't, it's helpful to be kind and stop them. Of course, in the jackal culture, this isn't done. After listening awhile to the teachers, I screwed up my courage and said, "Excuse me, I'm impatient with the conversation because I'm not feeling as connected with you as I'd like to be. It would help me to know if you're enjoying the conversation." All nine people stopped talking and looked at me as if I had thrown a rat in the punch bowl. For about two ininutes, I thought I'd die, but then I remembered to look at the feelings and needs being expressed through the silence. I said, "I guess you're all angry with me, and you would have liked for me to have kept out of the conversation." The moment I tumed my attention to what they were feeling and needing, I removed their power to demoralize me. However, the first person who spoke told me, "No, I'm not angry I was just thinking about what you were saying. I was bored with this conversation." And he had been doing most of the talking! But this doesn't surprise me. I have found that if I am bored, the person doing the talking is probably equally bored, which usually means we're not talking from life; we're acting out some socially-learned habits. Each one of the nine people then, expressed the same feelings I had impatience, discouragement, lifelessness, inertia. Then one of the women

asked, "Marshall, why do we do this? Why do we sit around and bore each other? We get together every week and do this!" I said, "Because we probably haven't learned to take the risk that I just did, which is to pay attention to out vitality. Are we really getting what we want from life? Each moment is precious, so when our vitality is down, let's do something about it and wake up. SARAH: How does somebody who feels very strongly about making a change in political or economic institutions use the technigues you teach? MARSHALL: Well, once you realize that you have choices, you can learn to live this process in contexts that are very hard. This Kung Fu giraffe, as I call it, involves staying with Nonviolent Communication even in a group situation in which you're in a minority and everybody else is using jackal language. For example I see that the product our company is making pollutes the environment. I'm working within an authoritarian institution, so how do I effectively communicate my concerns within that structure even though the group I'm dealing with speaks jackal, and some people have the power to punish me if I don't buy the party line? The first thing is to get access to the people on the other side. For this process to work, there needs to be a flow of communication and compassion between parties. If we can have enough time to get that flow going, we can resolve any differences. But let's say these people are not willing to give me access, and I feel that their behavior in the meantime is harmful. Then I might have to use what we call "the protective use of force." You use this kind of force to protect, not punish, the other people. That might involve things like organizing an employee strike, a boycott of the product, or other nonviolent techniques needed to protect the environment. They may not solve the conflict, but they may get the other side to agree to negotiate. SARAH: There may be cases where one party feels that certain considerations, such as financial ones, are more important than the needs of the other group. I can imagine situations in which there could be a very open conversation and still no resolution at the end of it. MARSHALL: When we keep this flow going, I have not seen that happen. But let's go back to that situation. Again, suppose I'm concerned that the product a company is making pollutes the environment. I may start by stereotyping the other person: "He's only interested in money. He has no regard for the environment." If I think that way about that person, I become part of the problem, because I've dehumanized that person in my mind. Labels are static, and life is a process. We're missing what's going on when we label, and it leads us to act toward them in a certain way that usually provokes the very thing that we're labeling. If I'm in conflict with people, I try to hear what needs they have. Now, "needs," as we define the term, are universal; all human beings have the

same needs. So if I connect to what people are needing, I'm one with them. I care about their needs. At the moment that they sense that I am as interested in their needs as my own, we can find a way to get everybody's needs met. So more concrerely, what would that look like? This man might say, "Our work is not going to harm the environment. Our tests have demonstrated that this is not going to harm the environment." So, this person shares the same needs that I have. I want to protect the environment. Apparently, he's concerned about the environment also. Now, where we might differ is in our ways of measuring whether something is harmful to the environment. Bur notice our needs are not in conflict. This person doesn't want to destroy someone's habitat, and he doesn't want to be a menace. You see? SARAH: There may be a tremendous amount of money to be made from the product. MARSHALL: Well, that's the other side of it! Now, we don't have a need for money, but money can be instrumental in meeting certain needs. This man wants respect. He wants the material security that money can contribute to. I have those same needs. So, this man's needs connect with mine. I'd like to find a way to get security and respect for him in a way that meets my needs as well. I'm confident that if this man trusted that I'm equally concerned with his needs as my own, we can find a way to meet everybody's needs. SARAH: What do you see going on in the world right now that gives you the most hope? MARSHALL: I've seen a rapid change in the last 30 years toward a kind of consciousness that gives me hope. I'm also optimistic because, everywhere in the world, people are hungry to learn new ways of communication. For example, people have heard about our training, and we can't get to them fast enough!

Compassionate Communication by Marshall Rosenberg At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think Jackal. This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately it provokes defensiveness, resistance and counterattack. Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us - without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language

of requests; Jackal is a language of demands. Human beings the world over say they want to contribute to the well-being of others, to connect and communicate with others in loving, compassionate ways. Why then, is there so much disharmony and conflict? Setting out to find answers, I discovered that the language many of us were taught interferes with our desire to live in harmony with one another. At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels people; it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal is good for telling people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)." The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so preoccupied with getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see into the future. Similarly, Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in quickly classifying or analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved, saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're culturally deprived." This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of interacting that promotes the well-being of ourselves and other people. I call this means of communicating Giraffe. The giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal, is tall enough to look into the future, and lives its life with gentility and strength. Likewise, Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us - without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a language of demands. By the time I identified these two languages, I had thoroughly learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. What would I say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant and I wanted to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even interested in changing people; rather, they are interested (italics) "in providing opportunities for them to be willing to change." One way of providing such an

opportunity, I decided, would be to approach the other person with a message such as: "Please do this, but only if you can do it willingly - in a total absence of fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear, guilt, or shame, I lose."

Giraffes, I realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even interested in changing people; rather, they are interested in providing opportunities for them to be willing to change. As Giraffes, we make requests in terms of what we want people to do, not what we want them to feel. All the while, we steer clear of mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling people they "should" or "have to" or "must" or "ought to" do something. These terms eliminate choice. Without the freedom to choose, life becomes slave like. "I had to do it,superior's orders" is the response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted by directives and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their actions. As time passed, I learned much more about Giraffes. For one thing, they do not make requests in the past. They do not say, or even think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned the living room last night." Instead, Giraffes state clearly what they want in the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware that their feelings are caused by their wants. If a mother is upset because her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will identify her feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat and orderly living room. She will own the anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so much better if you'd just put these toys away."

Giraffes state clearly what they want in the present, not what they wanted in the past. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware that their feelings are caused by their wants. Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you... ," Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want ... " As Giraffes, we know that the cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you... ," Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want ... " As Giraffes, we know that the cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us. Jackals, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response, we say things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met." As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At the same time, we attempt to give others an opportunity to act in a way that will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want more respect from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over the decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for me." Giraffes say what they do want; rather than what they don't want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."

Giraffes say what they do want; rather than what they don't want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't." Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each person feels a sense of well-being and no one feels forced into action by blame, guilt, or punishment: As such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony.

STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in honesty: Describe your observation Identify your feeling Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs State your request

In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading." Identify your feeling: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your feeling: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug and a few moments of sharing?" The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe the situation: "When you have the phone tied up for so long, other calls can't come through." Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I'm feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from someone." Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring your conversation to a close if that's all right." In a Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely punished. People are expected to be docile, subservient to authority, slave like in their reactions, and alienated from their feelings and

needs. In a Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs, and requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather than demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction between these two types of statements. In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for us by doing what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in trying to persuade others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge that we have no control over the other person's response. And we stay in Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems upset or tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear the person's feelings, needs, and wishes (italics) without hearing any criticism of ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request.

Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request.

RESPONDING TO A "NO" Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in empathy:

Describe the situation Guess the other person's feeling Guess the reason for the feeling, together with the unmet need; then let the person verify whether you have correctly understood Clarify the unmet need

When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to protect their autonomy. They have heard a request as a demand and are saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose to do it, and not because I am forced to do it." Sighing, sulking, or screaming can likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's need to act from a position of willingness. If people scream at us, we do not scream back. We

listen beneath the words and hear what they are really saying that they have a need and want to get their need met. If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this: Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them? Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. [Note the defensive mode, indicating a need to be listened to.] Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether? Child: You order me around! [The child still needs to be listened to. The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings and wants.] Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around and you have no choice about when to do your chores? Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want them done, you do them. Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all of them? Child: Yeah... no... I don't know. I just don't feel like being bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open up because she's feeling heard without judgment.) If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the people close to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So we listen and listen, reflecting back with guesses about what they are feeling and wanting, until they feel heard and shift out of being defensive. We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the person's voice and body language will indicate that a shift has occurred.

We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!" - that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't being met. That is where I focused my attention. After about 40 minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense we have been accurately heard and listened to: he changed. The situation was immediately defused of all tension. He later invited me to dinner. In international disputes, as well as in relationship, business, classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn to hear the human being behind the message, regardless of how the message is framed. We can learn to hear the other person's unmet needs and requests. Ultimately, listening empathically does not imply doing what the person wants; rather, it implies showing respectful acknowledgment of the individual's inner world. As we do that, we move from the coercive language we have been taught to the language of the heart. Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love; giving other people an opportunity to contribute to our well-being and to exercise generosity. Empathically receiving what is going on in others is a reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience love as openness and sensitivity, with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill requests at either end of a dispute. And the outcome of any dialogue ruled by love is harmony. In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once you've learned to hear the heart behind any message, you discover that there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With that discovery, you are well on your way to compassionate communication. This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement between disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation, compromise, and most importantly, mutual understanding and respect.

The Essentials of Compassionate Communication

by Jon Russell
Introduction We have all been in situations where there were terrible misunderstandings. Either we have felt misunderstood or the other has. We often leave these situations mystified as to what had happened. How were we so

misunderstood? What did I do wrong? Or: Why were they so stubborn? Couldn't they understand what I was trying to say? This short tutorial highlights the main ways humans get into trouble trying to communicate, and describes effective new ways to communicate which avoids these pitfalls and brings people into a close understanding of one another. First we'll look at the things we do that get us into trouble. These fall into three groups: 1 - our tendency to add interpretations and judgements to what we observe 2 - our tendency to blame or try to make another responsible for how we are feeling 3 - and our resistance to letting others know what we want, need or what's really important to us. Marshall Rosenberg has studied communcation styles around the world. He has discovered that when situations feel difficult, most people in the cultures of the world today drop into a rather unrefined and critical form of our language. And even when we are polite in difficult situations, we turn this kind of language in upon ourselves, with such statements as, "Why can't I do anything right." As an easy to understand metaphor he has called this language "Jackal." It doesn't matter what your native lauguage is, Jackal has become part of most every modern language. With Jackal, people say things like: "You should know better than that", "Why can't you keep your room clean?" "You are an idiot and a troublemaker." Jackal analyses people, judges them and labels them. It's not a very friendly language, and we've all learned ito use it. But Marshall discovered that not every culture spoke Jackal, there were a few peaceful cultures that had no wars and little conflict. They had a different way of looking at each other that was more compassionate, and the way they spoke demonstrated a desire to connect and understand, rather than analyse, correct or label. He decided to call this type of language Giraffe, named for the animal with the biggest heart and the furthest vision. When we speak in Giraffe, we don't see any advantage in attacking, blaming or telling someone what he is with labels, we are much more interested in the other persons feelings, wants and needs. Giraffe is a language of the heart, a launguage that connects us; Jackal is a language that separates us. So we are going to start learning this language of Giraffe, We will learn it by looking at what happens when we communicate, and doing entertaining exercises that show us clearly how we have been communicating up to now and what other options we have for communicating in a way that connects us.

The Skills of Compassionate Communication Here is a list of some of the main skills involved in Compassionate Communication. These will be described in greater detail as we go on. 1- How to hear the underlying values, needs and desires of any person we are communicating with, even if they are not skilled at communicating these things, and to stay connected to them in this process, even if they are attacking or blaming us. This is called "Listening with Giraffe Ears." 2- How to identify the deeper needs, wants, desires or longings that are underneath our own upsets, confusions, complaints and blaming. 3- Noticing the subtle and often confusing differences between bodily or sensed feelings such as "I feel sad" and an feeling-interpretation mixture such as "I feel betrayed." 4- Noticing how humans usually interpret and analyse what we observe and then mistake that for the observation itself. We will learn how to state our observations and interpretations separately and how to simply observe without interpretation. 5- We will learn the subtle difference between a Request and a Demand, and how demands alienate us and requests connect us. 6 - We will learn that to deeply understand what is important to another does not mean that we must DO what they want. Understanding them also does not mean that we have to agree with them. And understanding them does not mean that they are right and we are wrong. These erroneous beliefs are key reasons why we often won't let ourselves understand someone we are in conflict with. Listening with Giraffe Ears The concept of Giraffe and Jackal ears is an important one. If we are listening to others with our culturally trained "Jackal" ears, we hear complaints, criticisms and attacks everywhere. It's easy in that case to respond with similar attacks or to feel defensive or to just leave feeling miserable and misunderstood. When we wear Giraffe ears however, we have a powerful technology available to us. Think of Giraffe ears as a sophistcated translating device. When we decide to put on Giraffe ears, all the criticisms, blames and attacks of others are translated into simply their feelings and unmet wants and needs.

When we wear Giraffe ears we hear their pain but we don't take it personally. We can have empathy and feel connected to a person when we hear only their feelings and needs. It's as if they already spoke perfect Giraffe themselves. As Marshall says, "Criticism, complaints, judgements and attacks are all just tragic expressions of difficult feelings and unmet needs. Empathy or "Being Heard and Understood" An important fact about communication is that under stressful situations, we often can't hear much of what's going on with another until we feel the other has heard and understood us. But when we really feel that the other has heard and understands what we want or need, then we relax and can hear what's important to them too. In a conflict if one person is upset and the other isn't, then it's usually easy for the non-upset one to listen and let the other one feel understood. But if both people are very upset, then both want to be understood and can't hear what the other is saying. So if we are both upset how do we get around this need to be heard and understood before we can hear the other? The answer is to find our own inner source of understanding that is not dependant on the other, what Marshall calls "Empathy for Oneself" or "Compassion For Oneself." Empathy For Oneself is simply a term for an inner calmness and centeredness, even if just a little bit, which allows us to see and hear the other clearly even when we have strong feelings inside. Those who have this skill are well respected, since it is a skill that not everyone has developed. But it is a skill which can be cultivated once one is aware of it and see's the usefulness in making ones life happier as well as making life more wonderful for all those around us. The 4 steps of Compassionate Communication Compassionate communication consists of 4 simple steps, that can be used in different ways. We will list them quickly here and then get into greater detail furthur on. The generic steps are: 1 - To say what was observed happening (in a conflict it is usually what happened that upset us or the other.) 2- To say what the feelings are. 3 - To say what the underlying wants, needs, values or importances are. (usually what you wanted to happen or were afraid wouldn't happen) 4 - (Optionally) To make a request of the other.

These 4 steps are used in 2 different ways depending on: A) If we are trying to tell another honestly about what is happening with us, or B) If we are trying to help another tell us what is happening with them.

A)

Expressing myself with honesty

Step 1: When I (saw, heard, etc) .........(the observation)........................... Step 2: I felt ...... (your feelings in a simple non evaluative way).............. Step 3: Because I was wanting ............(your wants, needs, hopes etc.)..... Step 4: And I would now like..................(a request, not a demand).......... B) Hearing another with empathy* heard, guess of etc) what ...........(the they might

Step 1: When you (saw, observation).................................. Step 2: Did you feel feel)....................................... .......(a

Step 3: Because you were wanting ............(guess their wants, needs, hopes etc.)... Step 4: And would you now like....................(guess what they might request)....... *On side "B", when we are guessing another persons feelings or needs, we are not trying to tell them what they are feeling or needing, rather we are simply trying to hear them and make a first attempt to understand, and get them to tell us more correctly - and we expect them to correct our guesses. When they correct us we repeat what we have heard until they agree that we understand. This second side is about them and your needs and desires are not part of it or talked about at this time. Observations The ability to keep observation and evaluation separate is the highest form of human intelligence. Jiddhu Krishnamurti Some common types of evaluations: Judgements Analysis Interpretations Labels Projections

It's a simple fact that we all tend to habitually and automatically evaluate and interpret whatever we observe. This probably had survival benefits in the jungle by helping us predict what might be running after us on the trail. But when we are in non-threatening situations this "skill" of evaluating, interpreting and imagining often doesn't serve us at all - instead it adds unfortunate, even poisonous meanings to what we observe, . We often add information that is not actually there, usually by reaching into our past for similar situations, and then we can imagine that someone is saying something or meaning something that they are not. This is also the process that causes worry - our uncontrollable imagining that undesireable things will occur. These imaginings and projections are one of the main causes of conflicts. Most humans are not conscious of this process within themselves. When we see or hear something, instead of just noticing it for what it is, we often react - we worry about the implications of it by creating dire scenarios in our mind and then getting upset with them; we project out what we think the other person is "really" doing or meaning and then we get angry about what we think; we go into our past to similar situations, but of course bad ones, and decide that "we've seen this before" and then judge what we are observing as bad. There are endless ways we use our mind to add more than what is really there - and then to get upset about it. And to boot, we hold on dearly to what we imagine too, as though this creation of our mind is absolutely true, and we rarely think to verify it before we pronounce our judgement! We are very skilled at finding ways to get upset. So the first skill in Compassionate Communication is to develop the more advanced skill of being aware of what we are observing and how we are adding our own extra content: our imaginations, worries, projections - and interpreting, analysing, or labeling it. We simply want to bring this process into consciousness so that we can check to see if our thoughts about what we are observing is indeed correct or if we need to adjust it. The simplest way to experience this is to imagine that you are a video camera. If there was an argument going on between two people, a video camera would report exactly what they said, and how loudly, and with what facial expressions. But it would not interpret it and say, "These two people fighting, and they are fighting because one of them is an idiot and the other is acting like a victim." Only humans would try to add that extra content, and interpret it that way - and then start an argument about whether it is true or not. So let's practice for a bit being a video camera and see if we can just report the facts.

The Different Kinds of Feelings

What is the difference between someone saying "I feel rejected" and "I feel sad"? When I say "I feel rejected," I am really making two statements, one is a statement that I have an undesireable or uncomfortable feeling, and the other is an accusation that someone else did something bad to me - in this case I am saying that they also rejected me. It's the same as saying "I feel miserable because you rejected me." The truth may really be that they were just late for a meeting and didn't have time to talk to me. So the difference between "I feel rejected" and "I feel sad" is that the first one contains an interpretation which another might not agree with - in this case they say they didn't reject me, maybe they were just late for the meeting and couldn't talk. But now the phrase "I feel sad" says something that no one can disagree with, because it's all about my inner experience, how I feel inside. Again this is the first source of conflicts and upsets - a disagreement about the interpretation of the facts. Here's another example. If I say to another "I feel betrayed," they would probably feel like I just hit them with a brick. Even if they want to understand and empathize with my pain, they will have a hard time doing it because it sounds like an attack. To say "I feel betrayed" is the same as saying "I feel terrible because you betrayed me." It's true that I have a terrible feeling inside, but the other could easily disagree with how I've interpreted it. So what do we do about this? This is another example of Observations vs. Interpretations. We just need to take a closer look at how we really feel and then notice how we are attaching an interpretation to it.

Wants, Needs, Values, Desires, Importances, Longings, Hopes and Dreams

We can not fully sense our own needs, wants or desires as long as we have any judgements about them - we also will never get another to share their deepest needs and desires as long as they sense we have any judgements about theirs. All those words at the top of this page have an important relationship. They are all words that describe what's important to us and often what we live for. As we go through life we are constantly noticing what attracts us and what we need to both survive and to be happy. These things range from the most

basic needs such as food, water, safety and sleep, on to higher level needs such as love and a sense of belonging, and then others such as a sense of purpose and a desire to make the world a happier place. Whenever we think that any of these very important wants and needs in our life are threatened, we automatically react, usually unconsciously, to protect that which we feel is so vital to us. The truth is that usually we share most of the same needs and desires. But when we don't communicate them, we often don't work together to get them met, and we never find out that the other really does respect us and wants us to be happy. Somehow these needs, wants and desires get buried inside of us and we are only semi-conscious of them. We often don't articulate them to others when we feel they are threatened. Also, because of our Jackal upbringing, we are often afraid to admit many of our wants, needs and desires - we have seen them judged so heavily. In the lauguage of Giraffe, we become more conscious of the needs we have that are feeling threatened, and we know that all needs longings and desires come from the heart. So we bravely start articulating them and find a way to get our mutual needs and desires met without having to resort to violence or verbal fighting. There are several synonyms for these basic values which are very important to us. It's helpful to be aware of these different words for them so that we can pick the words which most acurately fit when we are trying to describe what is important to us. Some of these synonyms are in the title of this page. Blames and Complaints In many cultures, but not all, it's common to believe that when something goes wrong, someone must be to blame. It's a distortion of the concept of responsibility. True responsibility has nothing to do with blame or fault, however for many people these two ideas have been muddled beyond distinction. And so when something goes wrong in our lives, and the frustration and feelings are very strong, we easily go back to the old strategy of blame. And this urge can be uncontollable. We are really looking for relief from our frustration or pain, and we think that venting these strong feeling somehow makes us feel better - but it does only for a moment! If there is no one else we can imagine blaming, we will instead blame ourselves. And if we can find someone else who has played even the slightest role in our dilema, we will use them instead. We will blame the

postman for our package being late, we will blame the government for us not having a good job, or we will blame our spouse for us not feeling loved the way we want. If we look at the process of blaming from a distance, we can observe that as a strategy for handling our strong frustrations, it is not very effective. It seems effective in the first few moments of venting, but in the long run it make life more difficult. If we do get someone to change to make us happy, they will be resentful. In the long run the cost is high in our relationships, since blaming separates us and causes fear, anger and pain. And complaining is a relative of blaming, just less focused than blaming. It's understandable that we want to free ourselves from powerful frustrations. And the most effective way is to do the normal steps of Compassionate Communication: 1 - Observe clearly without evaluation what happened 2 - Experience and acknowledge our feelings 3 - Look for the values, desires, importances and needs that seemed to be threatened or shattered by the situation As this process becomes a natural part of our life, doing these steps will often resolve the desire to blame without even needing to talk to the others involved, but even when we do want to talk to them, we will be able to share our experience, taking complete responsibility for our feelings and not needing to accuse or blame another. Another Level of Honesty Speaking Our Truth We often say we are "speaking our truth" when we directly and bluntly tell someone the way we feel and the way we see things - especially when we have strong feelings. Doing that can be an important step in our growth, especially for those of us who have been too polite and have hidden what we think and feel. Brad Blanton in his book "Radical Honesty" describes very well how we get into fear, shame and politeness traps, and how to break out of them; and his book is well worth reading. But don't think that freely letting out our initial thoughts and feelings is the end of the road. Usually these first expressions are just our REACTIONS, not the real honest truth about what is going on inside of us. These first reactions usually contain our judgements and projections and are mostly talking about the other person, and doesn't contain much insight into what the real disturbance inside of us is about. Paul Lowe talks about this when he says:

"The only way to go beyond the restrictions of how we have lived as human beings is to be responsible for ourselves, at every level. That includes the willingness to go to the source of our disturbance instead of blaming someone else. In fact, it might just be the opposite - when we are disturbed, instead of blaming others, we would thank them for helping us to find that place in ourselves that was not in balance." Paul Lowe, "In Each Moment" pg 126 So how is it that we can be FULLY HONEST and FULLY TELL OUR TRUTH. We do it by honestly owning our own interpretations, projections and judgements, as well as our feelings, wants and desires - and talking about that rather than about the other person - in other words, doing the steps of Compassionate Communication. If we speak the full and honest truth about what has just happened within ourselves we are often amazed at how interested the other person is - rather than the usual defensiveness which comes when we try to talk about them or how they affected us. One key point that will help us remember this is: Be selfish! Use every upset or disturbance in life as an opportunity for our own growth. If I say I am telling another about them to help THEM, it is almost always a lie, a way to avoid dealing with my own issues and instead subtly trying to get another person to change so they don't trigger my nerosis. Instead I can selfishly share what's going on with me, about myself. In the process it is amazing to find that others are so inspired by this honesty that they change too!

A "Don't Want" is Hard to Give When stating our wants, needs, desires etc. it's valuable to try to state them in positive terms rather than negative terms. Let me give you an example. We often hear statements like, "I don't want to live in a messy house." To understand that we really have to imagine what it is that you do want, especially because everyone's idea of "messy" is a bit different. If you said "I want to live in a clean house," or "I want to live in a house where the floors are clean," we have an easier time picturing that, but even then you could be more specific. Marshall tells the story of a woman who told her husband, "I don't like you spending so much time at work." Thinking that she didn't want him to work so much, the next week he joined a bowling team. But that didn't make her

any happier, what she really wanted was for him to spend more time with her. So being specific helps us in getting what we really want. Now this is not a dogmatic statement, there will be sometimes that it takes a lot of thinking to say what you want without a negative in it, for example, You may say "I want to live in a house where there are not dirty clothes left laying around on the floor," and it takes some thought to realize what you want is "To live in a house that looks neat and orderly." But just give it a try and see how much different it feels to say what you want in positive language.

Requests versus Demands Ask for 100% of what you want, and always be willing to hear a "NO" Requests of others is a normal part of our everyday life. There are things we want and we need to communicate them if we are to have any chance of receiving them. In addition to the everyday use of requests it is also the fourth step of Compassionate Communication, but making a request is always optional and depends upon the situation. In fact once you learn CC well you will find yourself only using the steps you need in any situation. The important thing to know about a request is that it is very different than a demand. Even a polite sounding "request" is really a demand if we get angry or punish the other for not giving us what we ask for. Making a demand will only get us what we want temporarily, because in the long run the person will resent us and distance from us for being forced to do as we want. Another important aspect of requests is that it's often embarrassing to ask for what we want. And so when we do get enough courage together to do it, it's even more embarrassing if the other says "NO." So a difficult part of making requests is to be able to make them and also be open to hearing a NO. When we hear a NO it's important that we hear this as a statement about THE OTHER PERSON, and their feelings and needs, not as a statement about ourselves. If we think it is a judgement about ourselves, then we will get defensive and then loose our conection to the other. Also, as with stating needs with a positive wording, Marshall uses the same idea when he talks about requests. Here he says it's important to use "Positive Action Language." What that means is to ask for something that is

an observable action, such as "I'd really like you to spend 2 or 3 nights a week with me." That is clear and can be done if it is agreeable. But it is difficult to give something which is vague and unconcrete like "I'd like you to want to spend more time with me," or "I'd like you to feel better about our relationship." Neither of those can be easily done or demonstrated.

More About Requests and Demands How we deal with our Hopes and Expectations Most of our emotional pain comes from our expectations We are constantly faced with a choice in life - to be right, or to be happy - we can't have both - Ian Jampolski Most of our pain flows from our expectations. But the idea is not to be free of all expectations, but rather it is to be conscious of them and notice when they are causing us pain. At that moment we then have choices, either the choice to simply let go of the expectation for the moment and recenter ourselves, or perhaps simply to acknowledge that we have it. Sharing our experiences from this perspective allows others to connect with us and what we are going through, whereas unconscious blaming separates us. Demands are closely related to expectations, and in CC we observe how demands alienate and separate us from those we care about. If we want to be happy it's important not to judge anyones desires, needs or even their expectations, and that includes our own. We are more interested in accepting what we want in life and what others want in life, and finding the most effective ways of communicating them. We are then most likely to get what we want, AND to also remain closely connected to those we want these things from. The happiest people are those who are the most flexible and have the ability to derive pleasure from a wide range of experiences, even ones they never expected. Since their expectations are not too strongly fixed, they are open to whatever comes, and find they can enjoy surprising occurances as well as the things they told themselves they are hoping for. In classical eastern spirtiuality we could call an expectation just another form of attachment. But we do not need to judge attachments or expectations, we merely want to become aware of what we go through life expecting, and the ways we have tried to get those things for ourselves. We can then notice if the methods we are using result in our connections with others becoming

closer or furthur apart.

Acknowledging Anothers Wants and Needs One of the biggest challenges to compassionate communication is to simply be able to ACKNOWLEDGE what another wants and needs without judgement. Often when we hear what another wants we react by thinking or telling them: You don't need that, you shouldn't want that, it's not very evolved to want that, that's silly, unneccessary, inappropriate ....etc, etc. We feel that it's far easier to argue with them about the appropriateness of their desire than to deal with our inner disturbance about it. This is related to the feeling that if we acknowledge their need or desire then we will have to meet it or do something about it, which we don't. We can simply hear it, understand it, and appreciate what this means for that person and not even try to imagine yet how they might be able to get what they want. It's important to realize that accepting another's desires or needs doesn't mean that we have to do anything about it. It's far more important to all of us that our feelings, wants and needs are heard and understood! How they are ultimately met is really secondary - Think about it. The importance is the connection, and to stay connected we simply have to understand what it is they want. Once we are connected, and if we can't do what they would like, we may be able to help them find some other way to get that need or desire met. Part 4.2 THE THERAPUETIC COMMUNICATION
THERAPEUTIC COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES TECHNIQUE EXAMPLES RATIONALE

Accepting indicating reception; recognizing yes An accepting response indicates the other person without inserting I follow what you said. the nurse had heard and own values or judgments; may be Nodding followed the train of thought. verbal or nonverbal. It does not indicate agreement but is nonjudgmental. Facial expression, tone of voice must

also convey acceptance or the words will lose their meaning. Active listening an active process of receiving Maintaining eye contact Nonverbally communicates information and examining ones and receptive nonnurses interest and acceptance reaction to messages received. verbal communication. to clients. Neutral response showing interest , and nonjudgmental. Refrain from involvement without saying negative emotions of anything else. surprise, anger, dislike. Empathy experiencing anothers feeling temporarily; truly being with and understanding another through acting listening. Eye contact as appropriate to the clients culture. Offering self making oneself available. Ill sit with you awhile. The nurse can offer his presence, Ill stay here with you. interest, and desire to understand. Im interested in what It is important that this offer is You think. unconditional, that is, the client does not have to respond verbally to get the nurses attention. Humor discharge of energy thru comic This give a whole new Can promote tempering of aggression, enjoyment of the imperfect. meaning to and is a socially acceptable form of just relax. sublimation. Making observations verbalizing what Sometimes clients cannot verbalize the nurse perceives. themselves understood. Or You appear tense. Are you uncomfortable or make Being showing disapproval,

when be ready to talk. I notice you are biting Your lip.

the client may not

Silence absence of verbal communication Nurse says nothing but Silence often encourage the client to which provides time for the client continues to maintain verbalize. It gives the client to organize o put thoughts or feelings into eye contact and conveys thoughts, direct the topic of interest, or words, regain composure, or interest. focus on issues that are important. continue talking. Broad openings allowing the client to Is there something youdBroad openings makes explicit that take the initiative in introducing like to talk about? the client has the lead in the interthe topic. Where would you like to action. For the client who is begin? hesitant about talking, broad openings may stimulate him or her to take the initiative. Giving information making available My name is.. Informing the clients of facts increases facts that the client needs. Visiting hours are.. his knowledge about the topic or lets My purpose of being here the client know what to expect. The Is.. nurse is functioning as a resource Person. Giving information builds trust. Giving recognition acknowledging; client by name, indicating indicating awareness. awareness of change, or noting the has made, shows that prescribed by the the client as an doctor. Individual. You combed your hair Well today, Mam. nurse recognizes Good morning Mr./Ms.. Greeting the You have complied all the requirements effort the client

Clarifying putting into words vague ideas or unclear thoughts. It helps clients to explain. Encouraging comparison asking for ideas, experiences or similarities and differences. relationships brings out many situations. Encouraging description of perception for the nurse to see things from asking the client to verbalized clients perspective. what he/she perceives.

So what you mean is..

Was it something like.. Comparing Have you had similar experiences? recurring

Tell me when you feel.. It is What is happening..? What have you seen? This is the nurse is what the client is the

General leads/Incomplete sentences Go on.. indicating that giving encouragement to And then.. listening and following continue. Tell me about it. saying.

Presenting reality offering for Your mother is not here: Intended to guide the client to Consideration that which is real. I am a nurse. reality and not to convince the client that he is wrong. Reflecting directing clients actions, allows the client to recognize thoughts and feelings back to his feelings. the client. May use same words. Client: Do you think I should tell the doctor? This

and accept

Nurse: Do you think you should? Client: My brother spends all the money and then he has the nerve to ask for more. Nurse: And this causes you to feel angry.

Part 4.4

THE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

What Is Assertiveness?: Assertiveness is the ability to express ones feelings and assert ones rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others. Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies ones needs to the other person. Assertiveness comes naturally to some, but is a skill that can be learned. People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress.

How Does Assertiveness Compare to Other Behavior?: Sometimes people confuse aggressiveness with assertiveness, seeing that both types of behavior involve standing up for ones rights and expressing ones needs. The key difference between the two styles is that individuals behaving assertively will express themselves in ways that respect the other person. They assume the best about people, respect themselves, and think win-win and try to compromise. In contrast, individuals behaving aggressively will tend to employ tactics that are disrespectful, manipulative, demeaning, or abusive. They make negative assumptions about the motives of others and think in retaliatory terms, or they dont think of the other persons point of view at all. They win at the expense of others, and create unnecessary conflict. Passive individuals dont know how to adequately communicate their feelings and needs to others. They tend to fear conflict so much that they let their needs go unmet and keep their feelings secret in order to keep the peace. They let others win while they lose out; the problem with this (which Ill go into in more detail momentarily) is that everybody involved loses, at least to an extent. What Does Assertiveness Look Like?: Here are some common scenarios, with examples of each style of behavior: Scenario A: Someone cuts in front of you at the supermarket. An aggressive response would be to assume they did it on purpose and angrily say, Hey, jackass, no cuts! A passive response would be to just let the person stay in front of you.

An assertive response would be to assume that they may not have seen you in line, and politely say, Excuse me, but I was in line. Scenario B: Your friend, who can be quite verbose, calls to vent about her bad day. Unfortunately, you have a lot of work to do and dont have time to talk. An aggressive response would be to become angry that she obviously doesnt respect your time, cut her off, and sarcastically say, Oh, get over it! I have my own problems! A passive response would be to let her talk for as long as she needs, and figure that your deadline can suffer; she needs your help. An assertive response would be to listen for a minute or two, then compassionately say, Wow, it sounds like youre having a tough day! Id love to talk to you about it, but I dont have the time right now. Can we talk later tonight? Get the idea? What Are the Benefits of Assertiveness?: Assertiveness affects many areas of life. Assertive people tend to have fewer conflicts in their dealings with others, which translates into much less stress in their lives. They get their needs met (which also means less stressing over unmet needs), and help others get their needs met, too. Having stronger, more supportive relationships virtually guarantees that, in a bind, they have people they can count on, which also helps with stress management, and even leads to a healthier body. Contrasting with this, aggressiveness tends to alienate others and create unnecessary stress. Those on the receiving end of aggressive behavior tend to feel attacked and often avoid the aggressive individual, understandably. Over time, people who behave aggressively tend to have a string of failed relationships and little social support, and they dont always understand that this is related to their own behavior. Ironically, they often feel like victims, too. Passive people aim to avoid conflict by avoiding communication about their needs and feelings, but this behavior damages relationships in the long run. They may feel like victims, but continue to avoid confrontation, becoming increasingly angry until, when they finally do say something, it comes out aggressively. The other party doesnt even know theres a problem until the formerly passive individual virtually explodes! This leads to hard feelings, weaker relationships, and more passivity.

How Does One Become More Assertive?: The first step in becoming more assertive is to take an honest look at yourself and your responses, to see where you currently stand. The answers to the following questions will help clue you in: Do you have difficulty accepting constructive criticism? Do you find yourself saying yes to requests that you should really say no to, just to avoid disappointing people? Do you have trouble voicing a difference of opinion with others? Do people tend to feel alienated by your communication style when you do disagree with them? Do you feel attacked when someone has an opinion different from your own? If you answered yes to several of these, you may benefit from learning assertiveness skills. Knowing where you stand on the assertiveness spectrum, and knowing where you want to be, you can read more on assertiveness training, develop a win-win mentality, and begin becoming more assertive today!

Learn Assertive Communication In Five Simple Steps Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive noto excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.

Here's How:
1. When approaching someone about behavior youd like to see changed,

stick to factual descriptions of what theyve done thats upset you, rather than labels or judgments. Heres an example: Situation: Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.

Inappropriate: "Youre so rude! Youre always late." Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now its 11:50." 2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Dont exaggerate, label or judge; just describe: Inappropriate: Now lunch is ruined. Assertive Communication: Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.
3. Use I Messages. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with You, it

comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with I, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame. For example: You Message: You need to stop that! I Message: Id like it if youd stop that. 4. Heres a great formula that puts it all together: When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings]. When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example: When you yell, I feel attacked. 5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this: When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel]. Here are some examples: When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.

When you tell the kids they can do something that Ive already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined. Tips: 1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax. 2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone. 3. Dont assume you know what the other persons motives are, especially if you think theyre negative. 4. When in a discussion, dont forget to listen and ask questions! Its important to understand the other persons point of view as well. 5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.

Conflict Resolution Mistakes To Avoid Conventional wisdom (and research) says that good communication can improve relationships, increasing intimacy, trust and support. The converse is also true: poor communication can weaken bonds, creating mistrust and even contempt! Here are some examples of negative and even destructive attitudes and communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict in a relationship. How many of these sound like something youd do? 1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether: Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just dont say anything to their partner until theyre ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. This seems to be the less stressful routeavoiding an argument altogetherbut usually causes more stress to both parties, as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.

2. Being Defensive: Rather than addressing a partners complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other persons point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates longterm problems when partners dont feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow. 3. Overgeneralizing: When something happens that they dont like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, You always and You never, as in, You always come home late! or You never do what I want to do! Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, dont bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion offtopic and stir up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of conflict. 4. Being Right: Its damaging to decide that theres a right way to look at things and a wrong way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Dont demand that your partner see things the same way, and dont take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that theres not always a right or a wrong, and that two points of view can both be valid. 5. "Psychoanalyzing" / Mind-Reading: Instead of asking about their partners thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they know what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actionsand always assume its negative! (For example, deciding a late mate doesnt care enough to be on time, or that a tired partner is denying sex out of passiveaggressiveness.) This creates hostility and misunderstandings. 6. Forgetting to Listen: Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what theyre going to say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours! Dont underestimate the importance of really listening and empathizing with the other person!

7. Playing the Blame Game: Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being at fault. Instead, try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both. 8. Trying to Win The Argument: I love it when Dr. Phil says that if people are focused on winning the argument, the relationship loses! The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyones needs. If youre making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, your focused in the wrong direction! 9. Making Character Attacks: Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. (For example, if a husband leaves his socks lying around, looking it as a character flaw and label him inconsiderate and lazy, or, if a woman wants to discuss a problem with the relationship, labeling her needy, controlling or too demanding.) This creates negative perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you dont like the behavior. 10. Stonewalling: When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. This shows disrespect and, in certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. Its much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.