THE TRUTH COMES OUT SOONER OR LATER.

Table of Contents
Chapter One: beginning Chapter Two: secret words and open confessions Chapter Three: and the sadness strikes Chapter Four: one door closes, and one opens Chapter Five: two more to the list

True

Chapter Six: confused heart Chapter Seven: as I begin to fall Chapter Eight: close and far Chapter Nine: further apart Chapter Ten: playing games Chapter Eleven: a war of words Chapter Twelve: avenge the demons Chapter Thirteen: desire to forget Chapter Fourteen: give up or move along

Secret s

andres segovia

Chapter Fifteen: guardian angel Chapter Sixteen: relationship confessions

Chapter Seventeen: anger and heat Chapter Eighteen: cheating heart? Chapter Nineteen: hidden depression Chapter Twenty: ultimate betrayal Chapter Twenty-one: my true secrets

night where the secrets of our present came out, and where friendships and relationships became desires. As I walked towards the lake behind my friends house, I felt the footsteps of a person behind me. I turn around to see who it is, Taylor Cannon, one of my close friends who I can come to for anything.

1
beginning
Weekends are to spending time with friends and family. Where you go to parties and secretly get drunk without your parents finding out, where you take a drag and pass out until the next morning, where you kiss a guy or a girl and the next day you have their aftertaste on your lips. This is how it all began, the night of that party, the

Taylor was one of the smartest girls of our clique, she took Pre-Ap classes and she never failed a class like the rest of us have. She was a great singer as well as an actress; she always knew how to make a person smile when they were upset, how to tell a perverted joke when you were just bored.

I cant find Chris, Taylor told me as I turned around. It was Saturday night; our entire clique was together at Jessie Lanes house for her fifteenth birthday party. Its different when you are in high school, you go out to parties every weekend and barely spend any time to even say goodbye or hello to your parents because you are going to the movies or to the mall or to a party that night. Where was the last place you saw him? I asked. I stood at a height of about fivefoot six wearing something new. Most of the clothes I ever wore to parties were brand new, fresh and out of the store. I always wore some good Pacsun jeans and Lacoste polo or a nice button

up from Pacsun; I always seemed to match my clothes with Converse and was heading out the door. He left towards the lake, Taylor told me. I walked towards the gate of the backyard and followed the trail to the lake; I saw a flash on the dirt, an iPod. The ground was hard; it has been days since it rained. It was a calm night, a night where anything could happen because it seems so perfect and it the end it turns into destruction. Chris? I asked. He nodded and I sat down next to him. I heard the rock music, and sat quietly next to him. I looked up at the

sky, the bright full moon took over and the light ricocheted onto the water. I stared at him, talk to me, whats wrong? He had been crying. He sniffled and began to talk. Remember last month, when that one person snitched on me about being suicidal? Chris asked me. My mind quickly went into the past and the memory was locked into my mind: It was the weekend of my birthday party and I was preparing everything. My phone began to vibrate next to me and it was a text from Chris. Did you tell anyone I am suicidal? Chris asked me.

I responded with, no, because I didnt know anything. My mind comes back to the present and I stare at him once again. Yeah I remember whats wrong? Did you find out who it was? I asked him. He sniffled and dried the tears with the palm of his hand, he lay back onto the grass, and I did the same. No, I still dont know who it was, but my life here is at risk, Chris said. What do you mean? I asked him, and this is when I began to worry about him. Well I might be put into foster care, in another city. Ill be taken away from

my family, my friends, and the school, he told me and busted out crying. Chris, none of that is going to happen you just need faith and support, have you told anyone else about this? I asked. No I havent, he told me.

He was always happy to never show his true feelings. He told me this once, and I couldnt believe it was all true. The guy who makes me smile at his stupidity, the guy who I just became good close friends with, the guy whom you laugh with when he says something idiotic is happy. In the school where we

Well then this can be our little secret, and Ill be your support. Okay? I asked him. It was our little secret; no one else would know about the tears at this party. It was something between me and him. Chris Park was probably the guy with the least selfesteem in our clan of friends.

go to, you always need to be fake to yourself and to the rest around you, because people like to talk, and by the end of all of your confessions, it is too late and you are the joke of the school. There was no school today. It was Good Friday, a dark cloudy Pre-Easter day, where if you looked up, all you saw was puffy gray mixed with

black. My mom decided to take me to the beach; she is a teacher so she had this day off as well. My father was off at work and my brother was at the University in San Antonio. It was a perfect day to be at the beach, it was solitary and only a few people were out in the water. The water was too cold to enjoy at least ten minutes, so I instead walked on the cold wet sand. I walked towards a restaurant on the seaside shore, wanting to eat some good seafood, right next to where the food came from. Thoughts came in through my mind. Chris. He hasnt been able to escape my mind for the last couple of days. I dont know what this

means, I dont know why this is happening. I dont know if I might be falling for him, I dont know if I feel like if I am losing him. The winds came through the open sands as fast as a tsunami, just like my feelings. It was all confusion in my mind; I dont know what anything means anymore. All I know is, the more I think the more of a headache I get. By now my mother is ready to leave the beach; we only came for a while. Enjoy a free day of no school or work. As I get into the car I see my phone vibrating, new message. I slide the phone open. Madison.

Its Chris birthday on Monday, we should make shirts, her message said. Okay, sounds cool, I text her back. Madison, or Madi, has liked Chris for the last couple of months. She hasnt been able to admit it, not having enough self-esteem to tell him the truth. Her wrists symbolize, fear and red stitching, her personality symbolizes pain. She usually spends her time overdosing on some pills, to relieve the stress. Madi and Chris share secrets I wish I could share with the both of them. It angers me, it annoys me. He doesnt even like her, behind her back he spends his time

talking about her. She doesnt know any of this, and she never will, because a true secret is kept between two friends, and the third friend of the trio, is going to be left forgotten. I would do anything to separate that friendship, both of them staring into each others eyes and laughing at secret jokes. It irritates me, and it has to end. The following Monday, its Chris birthday and we are all at school. I come in wearing my homemade t-shirt, a sweater covering the ugliness of the shirt. I walk to the table where our clique tends to hang out in the mornings. Madison also has a

sweater covering her shirt. Another ugly shirt. Let me see the shirt, Madison tells me. I laugh, Okay, its pretty bad though, I messed it up a lot. I begin to unzip the sweater. Its a white undershirt, with lime green letters on the front and back. The front says, Team Chris Park! with a big exclamation point to the side. On the back of the shirt it says Its the BIG 15! Melinda tries to hide her laugh but she busts out laughing as her mouth opens so wide you could fit a tennis ball in. So wheres Chris? I ask Madison.

Probably in the library. We both walk towards the library; the large rounded wall at the far end has at least thirty feet of windows letting sunlight into the room. The walls are pastel yellow, making the room hotter than it really is. I hold the homemade card I made for him, and Madison spots him sitting next to his group of guy friends at one of the several tables next to the windows. I stand next to the shorter bookcases looking for him; Madison grabs me by my arms and pulls me towards Chris. The bells chime like a cathedral tower, first-period. The day goes on. I see Chris in our fifth-period,

English. I really dont understand why the class is called English, it should be called Literature. All of us already know English, so I really dont understand. I am finally able to give Chris the card. He gives me a smiling gesture and I smile back. Randi, another person in our clique gives him a moustache. Yeah, we are weird, but it doesnt matter originality is better than ordinary. Chris enjoys the moustache more, its noticeable and it annoys me. I am the one who had my eyes set on this guy, and this girl comes up and flirts. Sounds like if I have severe PMS. We go into lunch and enjoy a decent crappy

lunchroom meal. Trying to make the birthday as special as possible, we make Chris a birthday cake out of donuts and honey buns from the vending machine; we sing to him Happy Birthday and enjoy the little time we have of break.

2
secret words and open confessions
Im going camping this weekend with some friends in an open field, half an hour away from my house. Im leaving Friday night, I cant wait. For now, I am sadly in school. I have some alone time with Chris, we walk into the cafeteria for B-Lunch. The room is completely empty, rows and rows of tables, fake wood and laminate is all that stands here. What are you doing this weekend? I ask him. Nothing much, hanging out with my girlfriend, Chris tells me.

Shit. Awkward spot, Since when you do have a girlfriend? I ask him. A few days ago, he tells me. I feel my stomach and my heart drop. I feel sick. I feel like running to the restroom and throwing up. I try to hold in my feelings and simply smile. We reach our lunch table. Aaron, Rachel, Madison, Sadia, Victoria, and Seth are already sitting and eating by the time we come back from the lunch line. Aaron, or The Oreo, is sitting in front of me. He doesnt seem to care about a racist comment, but we all know when something is up. Rachel, the girl that goes out on weekends and never

seems to see her father. The girl that had a hard past, the girl who drinks, and the girl who smokes pot. Madison is sitting next to me and crying; I dont know what is wrong with her now. Sadia, a good friend Ive known since middle school, and secretly bisexual, not open to the world about it. Victoria, or Toria, my best friend for life. Weve known each other since we were three, weve always been neighbors. And Seth, the cool and kind of awkward guy that sits with us, and is very good friends with Chris. Whats wrong? I asked Madison ask I look at her wiping her tears. Screw relationships. Oh, Chris. I kept my mouth

shut. Im not getting into her personal life even though I felt the same way she did, my life is my secret. Night quickly comes as I meet up my friends to go camping. Robert, Colton, Jake, and Clay are all already at our meeting place before we go out. Robert is the youngest of the five of us and a person I always talk to. Colton is the quiet one of the five of us; he was homeschooled until a year ago that his parents put him in private school. Jake, the craziest and stupidest guy you will ever meet, has been one of my good friends for the last four years. And Clay, not really an outcast, but that is how people usually treat him.

The fog rolls across the grass as we set up our tents in the dark. By the time we are finished we already have our plans set up. I was going to sleep with Jake but instead slept with Robert, and the other three guys slept in their tent. Robert and I get into our sleeping bags and talk most of the night. After about two hours of talking I am knocked out, Robert falls asleep right after me. We all wake up at the same time the next morning. I check my phone, seven-oclock. Too early to be up on a Saturday. We all go to the lake to fish. I hate fishing. Its boring and smells terrible, I just sit in the grass and watch. After an hour we all get bored and separate. Colton and I

walk into the woods, the sun hits the trees and the shadows run off. Robert was talking about you, Colton says. What was he saying? I ask. Youre gay, I told him its just your accent, Colton tells me. Robert. Fake. He seems like if youre friends and everything is okay, but all he is a fake asshole. Roberts dad catches me texting on my phone. He takes the phone, you guys arent supposed to have electronics at camp, he tells me. Ugh, when will this weekend end?

We walk back to camp. Robert is sitting on an outdoor chair with an ice bag covering his eye. I simply look at him, no feelings, nothing. Laughter fills me up, asshole. What happened? Colton asks him. Some allergy, my mom is coming to pick me up, Robert tells us. Perfect. I dont even want you here. My dad put your phone in his car, Robert tells me. Thanks, I tell him. No emotion. The passengers seat window is open; I climb through and look for my phone nothing. My feet dangle out from the window. I try to

open the box between the drivers and passengers seats; I cant reach the handle though. Get out of the window, Jake tells me. He opens the car door. I laugh, wow I feel like an idiot. Jacob opens the top and gets my phone for me. Yes! Technology once again! Sunday morning, we return to our home. I lay on the upstairs living room couch, watching television and online. I send Robert a message, are you feeling better?

Ive been having a lot of interest dreams. I guess the person I am having these

dreams for is kind of obvious, I know how this person is and I know this person would never be interested. My dreams are red, smashing into a wall, kisses, and shared heat. The hunger and desire for that one person you can never have, the person you wish you could have. I wake up the following morning. Tuesday morning. Six-o-clock. School. I think about the dream, the warm kisses, the skin touching skin, and it makes me want to make changes. In my dream I never see this persons face but I believe I know who it is, Chris. I grab my phone and send Taylor a message, I need to tell you something at school.

I walk to our table and Taylor looks up. She stands up and walks towards me, we walk together towards the main hallway. Whats the problem? Taylor asks me and we stand next to the vending machine. The hallways are empty. Everyone usually gets her ten minutes after we get here, I make my first confession: Im bi; can you keep it a secret? I ask her. She nods her head. Are you interested in any guy in particular? Taylor asks me. Yeah, and the person I have these feelings for is someone I wouldnt expect them from, I tell her.

So who is it? Taylor asks me. Its Chris, I tell her. The day continues. I decided to tell anyone I could trust. Anyone I cared enough about and loved enough to be able to tell this secret. Third-period. We were watching some movie in theatre, it was TAKS week and our teachers didnt have anything planned out for us. Rachel, Marie, and I decide to hang out behind a monstrous oversized black curtain and talk. Marie leaves for a few minutes and I decide to confess to her at this moment. Im bi, I drop the words out of my mouth like rain being dropped onto grass.

She begins to cry, Aw, thats so cute! I always wanted a bi best friend! she gives me a hug and I smile. So are you focused on any guy at the moment? Rachel asks. Yeah, this one guy I tell her. Who? Rachel asks. Chris. I tell her and she begins to cry and gives me another hug. I have some to talk to about guys now! I have a secret to tell you! Rachel tells me in an excited tone. What is it? I ask her. Im bi too! she tells me. We are officially BBFF, if

you dont understand Bi Best Friends Forever! The bell rings. I walk to my next class. The class I hate the most, well other than algebra, physical education. I meet up with my best guy friend Trevor; we sit on the bleachers and eat Hot Cheetos while the rest of our class plays basketball. Can you believe we get As for this? Sitting on our asses eating. Hey, are you okay. You dont look so good, Trevor asks me. Confessions once again. I swallow my saliva and my gum at the same time. Crap. Yeah Im fine. Im bi, I drop the work like a bomb, it rhymed with fine so I just said it.

Dont worry Im bi too, Trevor tells me. I never knew I know so many bisexual people, I happy I can talk to them. Fifth-period. English. The whole gang is in that class. Nelly, a flat-breast fourfoot tall girl stands in front of me: So youre gay? Where did you hear that? Oh crap. News travels through this school very fast. God I hate people. I dont enjoy their bitchiness and their little vendettas to destroy lives of innocent people. She walks away

I walk up to her and tap her on her shoulder: Listen to me; I swear if this spreads around more than it already has you and me problems. Understood? She nods her head in fear. I smile. Thats the good thing about acting like if you are in control, everyone is at your feet and you dont have to worry about the rest of the idiots. I decide to tell Madison. She smiles and gives me a hug, when I tell her who the special person is, she cries.

believe I know the person who is talking. I dont say any names though. Ive been flirting with Chris a lot more now. Laughing at his jokes [even when I dont understand], talking to him more, smiling more, and being closer. He makes me feel free, like if whenever we are together no one else is there, its like a secret world; we are the only ones here to create it. In English we learn about poetry, reading poems. We read the lyrics to a song and have to find metaphors, similes, personification, etc.

The last week of my life has been crucial. The secrets spread more like wildfire throughout the school, and I

Ive always been good at writing poetry, Ive never really spent my time sitting on a chair and thinking of a

rhyme. I decide to buy a journal, keep my secrets in there, write some poetry, and express my feelings to myself. I lay on my bed and begin writing, This Is How It Happened:

The bell rings to go to sixth-period. Chris and I walk towards the white corridor at the front of the school, Do you want to hang out sometime? I ask him. Yeah, sure. What do

I remember how we used to be, before all of this happened, I wish it were like that once more, before I liked you like this. I finally realized, I dont want to like Chris. I dont want to have lust from him; I dont want that type of relationship from him. All I want is friendship. I dont know how to control myself around him though; I wake up for him, breathe for him, and feel for him, love for him.

you want to do? he asks me. Movies? I tell him. Sounds cool, he says. He walks towards the stairs to soccer practice. I smile. Pure seduction. The treat was dropped in front of him, and he definitely came for it. He continues walking down the stairs. I keep looking and smile. The next day I go into my fourth-period. Trevor waits for me at the lockers. He looks at me and gives me THE

LOOK. The, I need to tell you something, look. I roll my eyes and walk towards him. What is it, Trevor? I ask him. So I talked to Chris for you, Trevor tells me. My eyes explode out of the socket. He just ruined everything! I cant believe he did that! I am so pissed off at the moment. Both of us sit in our designated spots. The coach calls roll and lets us exit the metal doors that lead to the track. Its Thursday. Running day. Trevor runs behind me. So what did you ask him exactly? I ask Trevor. I asked him about a bunch of different guys, and I

threw in your name, Trevor tells me. And what did he say? I ask Trevor. He thinks youre gay, Trevor tells me. Great. Story of my life. The person I didnt want to find out, found out. And whats worse? Its my fault, I needed to flirt. Being a teenager is stupid, High School is stupid, and bisexuality is stupid.

once we are done we drive to a hotel right across the street. I log onto my Facebook account to check any new news or drama I needed to find out. The name Formspring popped up

3
and the sadness strikes
My parents and I were in San Antonio, to help Richard get his stuff out of his dorm. We arrive Saturday around sunset, the university looks like a ghost town. Barely any cars in the parking lots, no lights on in the dorms, only one door open, Richards. I help my brother move his stuff into his car and into the van;

everywhere. Formspring is a website where you can ask any questions to anyone, you can either leave it anonymous or with your name on it. I decide to make one, everyone else has one, why not join the group. After finishing my account I look at the clock, 12:30 AM. My eyes are burning, too tired to stay up any longer, I go to bed. Its Mothers Day. We leave to return to Houston today, I smile. Im ready to return, hang out with some

friends and hang out with one in particular. I log onto my laptop and check my Formspring, someone left me a message: Are you gay?

My phone begins to vibrate on my bed. Its Richard. I answer the phone: Hello? Im at the Favors. Do

I quickly answer the message: no, why dont you stop bitching and ask me to my face (: Its a three hour trip to return to Houston. Once we arrive I log onto my laptop once again, check my Facebook and Formspring. Another question: Whoa, calm down. Isnt this what formspring is for, I ask the question and you answer them. This person is beginning to piss me off. I quickly reply, Whatever, I dont have time for your worthless crap.

you want to come over? Richard asks me. Sure, I tell him, pick me up. Within the next few minutes Richard is already here. Richards best friend, Greg, is my best friend, Tatianas, cousin. That is how we are all connected, thats how our parents became friends and we became a family. Tatiana is in the pool. I get in and it feels like shards of glass are stabbing me everywhere, I begin to shiver.

Im bi, I tell Tatiana. And like everyone else has been saying, I already knew. Am I that transparent, am I that obvious? Nighttime. I lay on my bed and look at the laptop again. Wow you are stupid. Who the hell is this person? How do they know me? I reply, Ha-ha wow, and you arent worth my time. Robert is online. I tell him that I am bi too. He promises two secrets: 1. He will always be there for me. 2. Nothing will ever change between us.

I walk through the hallways of the school. Everyone looks at me. I feel like prey. I continue walking. The only way to hide your emotions is to make yourself seem better than everyone else. People keep talking about me, asking me questions to my face, talking behind my back. I ignore the commentary; I really dont need any poison in my life at the moment. The school day is almost over. Im in Spanish class, I get a text message: Corbin is threatening on telling Chris you like him. Trevor sent me the message. I feel my jaw drop. The world stops spinning for a few seconds, I feel like punching a

wall. I feel like punching Corbin on his face. Corbin Hart. The biggest hypocrite I have ever met. The guy that tells me to not talk about anyone behind their backs, to stop spreading rumors, is doing the same thing he told me not to do. Bastard. We used to be friends, close friends; I decided to stay away for him. He is too much drama for me. Too much fake crap I really dont need at the moment. I grab a piece of paper, roll it into a ball, and throw it at my friend Ellen. She turns around and looks at me What?

Corbin is threatening on telling Chris everything about me. That asshole. I know thats what Im saying. Ill talk to him. After school we run into Corbin. Ellen starts yelling, thats the loudest Ive ever heard that girl yell. Did you tell Chris? I asked him. Yeah, I did, Corbin tells me. I flick him off on the spot. Why the hell would you do that? I ask him. Because I felt like it, Corbin says.

You are a worthless hypocritical asshole, I really dont understand how you have any friends, I tell him. Corbin seems insulted. His mouth is wide open. I laugh. He walks away to the buses. If you cant take the heat get the fuck out the kitchen, I yell at him. Everyone stares at me. I laugh. Its not a sarcastic laugh. Its an angry laugh. Im pissed. I feel like throwing a brick at that assholes head. I begin to cry. I find Victoria, and I tell her everything that happened just now. As we walk Chris walks past me, I hide my face; I dont want a confrontation at the moment.

I call Madison. I tell her to tell Chris that everything that Corbin said to her wasnt real. She says okay and we hang up our phones. I get home and look at myself in the mirror. I feel like Carrie, you know the girl that got tortured by her classmates and she became a demon afterwards. Thats exactly how I feel. I feel like turning against everyone, killing everyone, killing myself. From the reflection my eyes are red, I run out of the bathroom. I run to the kitchen. Try to look for any sharp blades. I begin going at the underside of my arm, lines cross from side to side, my veins right above the cuts. Its addicting. Once you start cutting yourself you cant stop. This is

what life leads to, sadness, helplessness, loneliness, death. I grab a wristband, a thick one to cover my cuts. I hang out with Robert that night. He notices my wristband. After noticing its black and with a skull, he realizes something is wrong. Robert takes off my wristband, and sees the lines. Story of my life. My scars burn. The feeling is unwanted, the tormenting sensation. I go to school with my wristband on, no one will ever know what happened last night. Whats going on? Madison asks me when she sees the wristband. She realizes I have it on. Oh crap, I

think. Its like a kiss of death, once you have that kiss it spreads. This is different from me, what I happening to me. I didnt do this for Corbin, I did this for Chris. Nothing. Its nothing. Dont worry about it. Okay. How did it go when you told Chris that it wasnt true? Youre safe. Thank god. No one is going to know about yesterday. My scars are hidden under the pain, and Chris doesnt know that fact is true. Chris sees the red lines; he shrugs his shoulders and hides the disappointment. I

didnt want him to know; now I feel worse. I feel my phone vibrate in my phone. Addison. I answer the phone, hey. Ive known Addison for the last few years. She flirts with me, its obvious. Im not interested. The bell rings, Melinda and I go off to our next class. Algebra, the class that both of us hate the most. Patricia, our friend, sees us walking to class. She rolls her eyes. Patricia, aka Bible Bitch, is one big drama started. She loves to start conflict, and makes herself seem like a victim. Most of her

family hates her, because she decided to go Christian and forget her Muslim faith. Schools ends quickly, I walk off towards the front of the building with Victoria. Patricia wants us to stop being friends, Madison tells me as she continues walking towards me. Screw her. Victoria and I walk towards the doors under the warm spring sun, and walk towards our homes. I think I am going to ask out Addison. Ive been thinking about it all day, and its the best way to let people stop talking. Its my escape route.

I grab my phone and send her a quick message, do you want to go out? A few seconds later I receive a message from her, yes. I enter fifth period there are no lights on, only sunlight entering through the closed window blinds. Chris walks up to me and begins talking, so I heard something. What did you hear? I ask him as he looks at me suspiciously and smiles. You have a girlfriend. Im not happy. I didnt want him to find out, all I wanted was to forget Chris in that way and only have him as a friend. I cant stop thinking about him. The feelings

continue. He smiles. I can feel his breath on me; I want to taste his lips. I dont want Addison like this; I only want her as a friend. I like him too much. I have to do what is best with me, break up with her. My plans didnt come out as I planned, continue with Chris Lunch is hell. Feelings are hell. Confusion is hell. Victoria begins flirting with Chris. I feel like vomiting, I roll my eyes and hide my feelings. They get closer, they begin to whisper. I feel like punching a wall. I feel like grabbing a knife and stabbing someone, I want to create lines on my wrists. Nighttime is filled with messages and worries. I dont

want to break a heart but I really dont want to be confused. I send her a text message: I want to break up. When I click the send button, I am filled with anxiety. I am worried, I click it anyways. I feel remorse. A few moments later she sends me a message, Okay.

4
one door closes, and one opens
My mind has been spinning for the last few days. Many thoughts crossing my mind, so much confusion that I feel my brain will erupt and slowly come out of my ears. I dumped Addison for Chris, and now I am stuck in the same situation, without someone to date and without the person that I truly want. And it all started yesterday Rachel and I were sitting in Spanish class talking about everything, not paying attention obviously. Mrs. Armendariz looks up to yell at the disrespectful people,

looking directly at the both of us. So are you going to tell Chris how you feel? Rachel asks me. Does she not realize what is going on in my life at the moment? I cant tell Chris anything without ruining our friendship, even though that I truly wish everything came out how I wanted it, its time to face reality, and thats something that can never happen. No, and I dont think I am ever going to, I tell her. She seems confused, why cant you? The guy is the biggest homophobe. And Im pretty sure he wont be able to

accept me or take me seriously even if I told him I am bi. The whole world is crashing down on me and I cant stop it, I tell her. Its the end of our conversation. Okay it was a simple question. Look I dont want to talk about this here. This school is filled with fakes. Text me after school, I tell her. The bell rings and we are all leaving the room like a giant stampede of savaged animals. Back to the present, its Friday afternoon fifth period. I really dont feel like talking to anyone, any more conversations with anyone and I might have to send myself to an asylum. Chris waves at me, I simply wave

back. No smile, no hello, no conversation. Nothing. Madi notices from the other side of the room that something is the matter with me. I hide my face from her. Like I said, I really dont feel like talking to anyone. I can feel her footsteps, closer, and closer. I can see her shadow leaning against my desk; I can hear her soft voice over the chaos of the classroom. Whats wrong? She asks me. Nothing is wrong, Im just really tired, I lied. What could I do? Confess to her what I am thinking, confess to her my feelings about HIM, I cant. I am a hypocrite. I forced her to tell Chris everything, I cant do that. I

cant open my mouth and say hey and smile, or even say I like you. I begin to remember the past. Approximately a few months ago, when I made Madison tell Chris the truth. We were doing an assignment in the computer lab; I was stuck in the middle of our current triangle. Chris and I had been talking all period. Just about everything, people we hate perverted jokes, corny jokes, etc.

And the innocent has fallen in the rabbit hole, I begin to think. I know someone who likes you, I tell him and smile. Now he wants to know. Who is it? he asks me practically yelling into my ear. I can feel my eardrum throb. You have to guess, I tell him. I planted the poison right where I wanted it. I smiled and continued to do my work. All period he asked who

I begin to lean in closer to Chris; I guess I already had feelings for him by then. I know a little secret about you, I whisper to him.

the person was. I kept on answering questions with answers like I dont know, maybe, who knows. Is it Madison? Chris

Really. What is it? He asks me.

asks me.

This time Madison looks up to see us. What are you guys talking about? she asks us. Nothing, I tell her. Do you like me? Chris asks her. I jaw is tightly locked, my eyes staring directly at him. The bell rings. The day quickly goes by and I run into Madison in the hallway. I told him, I told him everything, Madison tells me. And what did he say? I ask her. Now I want to know, were my plans accomplished or were they completely destroyed. He told me we should wait until everything clears up.

I wake up from my daydream. My decision is set. I am not going to tell Chris anything, he is a player and he still has Madison waiting for him with high hopes. I also decide to even forget him; a player is nothing if you want to be the number one.

Saturday afternoons are boring in my house. There is nothing to do, no plans, nothing. Richard, my parents, and I decide to go to The Ragin Cajun, a restaurant about ten minutes away from our house. Its a windy day, the breeze is comforting, there are no clouds in the sky, and beautiful sunlight. We order a seafood platter and ask for a table outside, if

perfect weather to enjoy the outdoors and feel the splashed from the fountain in the lake a few feet away. My parents ordered some two margaritas, my brother and I order two sodas. My parents usually let me sneak some alcohol into my system, it was all strategy: 1. Lay your head down on your mothers shoulder. 2. Sip a few drinks while the waiters and the customers arent looking. I did this like I usually do. By the next hour I was almost tumbling on our exit

from the restaurant. None of the customers or waiters noticed. It was only two margaritas and a Captain Morgan; they were going to murder me later. My brother was inviting Greg and his girlfriend, Savannah, over later to hang out at our house and have some drinks. When we arrived home, Victoria was outside of her front yard waiting for me. Hey, Chris is at Seths house, she tells me. Do you want to go? I ask her. Sure. We begin to walk towards Seths house, only two houses away from mine. Victoria has stepped into the love square, and the

main members are Victoria, Madison, Chris, and I. I am definitely not going to step out, but I am planning on manipulating Madison and Victoria to step out. Seths mom opens the door as soon as Victoria begins knocking. Is Seth here? I ask her. Upstairs. We begin walking through the house; its the exact same floorplan as mine. When we reach upstairs I find Chris sitting on the couch. I feel the alcohol drop to my lower stomach. Yeah, Im drunk. I sit next to him and we begin to talk, I let my hands take control. My hand slides onto his arm and I

begin to smile and the alcohol takes over my system. So how was your weekend? I begin asking him. Too clingy. Too close. Too weird. Its been good. No one else has noticed the flirtatious attention, other than Chris and Victoria. I cant control myself; I stand up and get closer, almost sitting on top of his lap. Victoria pulls me off of him and begins to ask me, Are you drunk? I nod my head. Lets go, she tells me. I begin to laugh loudly. No, Im fine right here. I finally give in to Victorias advice. This by far has been a pretty bad day.

So who was your girlfriend? Greg asks me. And here comes the secret running out of my mouth. Someone, I answer. Whats going on? Richard asks. Fuck my life. Nothing much, asking Adrian who his girlfriend is? Greg tells Richard. I feel like stabbing my gut so no answer can come out of my mouth. So who was your girlfriend? Richard asks me. Its time to come out to my brother. Its someone that you know. Rachel? Victoria? I dont know who else it could be, Richard tells me.

Gabys sister. What the fuck! Addison, you went out with Addison? Richard asks me. Its a long story. Well explain the story, he tells me. I swallow my breath and my saliva. Let it ease out slowly and relax. Im bi, and I wanted to know if I truly like her or not because we have been flirting.

Ive been clingy. Too clingy. I dont even let Chris breathe anymore, I hate myself. Its one thing to flirt, its another thing to practically be obsessed with the guy you can never have.

School isnt even used for education in my life anymore, my grades have drastically dropped, I need to start focusing on schoolwork, studying, and passing. I dont want to be in summer school. School is more like a place to flirt, a place to show everyone your spot. A place to show the type of flirtatious slut you have become. This is what I have become, a desperate wannabe, a person so desperate for another person to be there for them that they are willing on humiliating themselves just to get something they can never have. It all started on Monday. I walked into English class to find Chris standing there talking to Madi, I roll my eyes.

He is wearing a tight v-neck tshirt, practically grasping his abs, I try to hide my hunger for him. I blink for a moment; it feels like if my eyes have been closed for ten minutes though, a daydream quickly appears into my mind. Please disappear, I pray, I know what is going to happen. Its summertime. We are swimming in the pool; the overheated Houstonian sun rays take their course burning its flames onto our skin. We begin to talk, lots of flirting going on. I grab a drink and place it on the ledge. He continues talking, I keep smiling. He gets closer to me; I can practically feel his skin on mine. He puckers his lips, plants one right on mine.

Did you like that? he asks me. I hide my face. I dont know. Maybe, why dont we try again, I tell him. Back to reality. I feel my pants getting tighter; I try to hide the pain. I walk up to them, I can barely walk. My teeth are clenched; its the only way to hide my pain. Neither one of them notices whats going on. Hi, they both say at the same time. Its like they practiced this, like if its on a script. I try to hide the pain; all I can give them is a smile. The pain is gone. No more erection, act normal once again. Hey! I tell Chris and Madi.

Very embarrassing moment. By the way, dont ever have a boner around the person you like.

Its the worst part of a school semester. FINALS. The part of the year that tortures just about any student that isnt in elementary school. The part of the year where if you fail a class and your parents find out, they are sending your ass to summer school, the prison for all kids. I spent all week studying, every night for hours. In the mornings, I would wake up with raccoon circles around my eyes. Suck it up, I would think to myself. I didnt even allow myself to fall asleep or even think of sleep

in class, I needed my grades raised. Now its the end of the school year. The last day of school. The final bell finally rang, no more worries. No new things that I had to think about. Simply relax. Hang out with your friends, enjoy your two and a half months of freedom, and return to school a few months later refreshed and ready to learn. I ran into Victoria in the hallway, we soon saw our other friends and gave each other goodbye hugs. We made plans to see each other over the summer and do some stupid stuff together. Victoria and I walked out the front tinted doors of the school, they quickly shut. One year of

your life has passed by; all you can do is look back and remember everything that has happened to you over that time. Memories fly through my mind like free birds; I close my eyes for a few seconds and smile. So much has happened over the last year, so much has been gained and lost, but it feels like it was just a practice run. I think that high school truly begins in your sophomore year, once you gain some maturity and some respect for yourself.

some things. My mom never asks Richard to do anything for her, its always me. I truly dont remember what happened last night. The only thing that comes into my mind is the beers that I had, and after that nothing. I step into the bathroom and look at the floor, the floor tiles are floating around me, and it feels like if I had 10 pounds

5
two more to the list
I open my eyes to find it is only seven-thirty on my first morning of summer. Waking up around noon or so is my usual vacation time, but no, because I need to help my mom at her school to move

has just been dropped into my head. Its the first sign of a hangover, when you have a headache you dont remember from a night you dont remember. My dad always told me that whenever you have a hangover you should take a really cold and refreshing shower. I feel the water splash

onto my forehead; it feels like rain on my head. My mom drives us to her school to pick up the items and materials she needs and a teachers assistant takes us to one of the shacks where my mom will be teaching summer school. When we step into the room, I can barely see anything, the dirt from the floors, the furniture, the walls, and the windows accumulates into a large cloud that you cant look past, we begin cleaning and the room smells like a fresh new oasis. I am left organizing and cleaning by myself, my mom leaves for a meeting that is probably going to take up about an hour and a half. Within half an hour, I am done

organizing and cleaning everything she asked me. I am finally free from Chris; everything that is left between us is a past of desire and a friendship where too many secrets cannot be told. Ive been having feelings for another friend, Robert. The one from Boy Scouts, the one who knows what I am and is okay with it, and the one who I have been thinking about for a while. My parents signed me up to go to Conroe for a whole week of fun activities with a group of kids that I dont know. I really dont feel like going, cooking my own breakfast, and sharing a tent with someone I really dont want to be sharing it with.

When I get there all of the guys are color-coded into like six different colors. Maroon, blue, green, yellow, baby blue, etc. Im in team maroon, hooray! Notice the sarcasm. There were about seven of us in the whole group. Jedidiah, or Jedi, Austin, Matt, Bryan, the two Adams, and me. As the days got moved along, we all go along pretty quickly. Well except for Matt. He was like the outsider of the group, too annoying to talk to and none of us really felt like paying any attention to him. The sun beat down on us every day and the mosquitoes and bugs would annoy us throughout the day and the night. I made it clear

about who I liked as a friend and who I disliked. I was friends with Jedi, Austin, and Bryan. The Adams were neutral, and Matt and out of the question. The thing thats worse is that I shared my tent with Matt. During the days I usually spent my time with Austin, we would find any way possible to get out of the activities the leaders had planned for us. We would go to the bathroom together, forget stuff, and just walk away without anybody noticing. Austin was usually alone in his tent at nights; his tent partner was out with the other guys. He really didnt seem like talking to anyone

and frankly, neither did I. During the night, Austin and I would be talking about anything, and we were always laughing. He was probably the only guy I could truly talk to; in fact, he was the only guy I talked to about the whole bisexual thing. At the end of the week we all added each other on Facebook and got each others numbers and texted each other. This was definitely a week I needed, a week with some new friends that I can trust in, a week with some new people. That night I logged in to Facebook and added everyone I met during that week. I got Jedis number and began to text him, who knows maybe I

feel like flirting with him, maybe I just need a rebound.

Summer is filled with boring nights where you feel like doing nothing. No one wants to go out, the air outside feels heavy with warmth that you would prefer to stay inside with air conditioning. Its midnight. The rest of the house is asleep and I am all alone in my bedroom with music blasting into my ears from headphones, Facebook on my laptop screen, and on my phone a new text message. My laptop begins to flash with a video chat. I answer the call to find my friends Janette and Emma, on the other screen. Late night

talks with people you havent talked to in two years are great. A lot of catching up to do, a lot of conversations and laughs that I havent heard in such a long time. Hey I have a birthday party at my house tomorrow night, you should come, Emma tells me. Sounds like a plan, I speak into the laptop screen. Well, Im pretty tired and its going to be 3, so Im going to bed and I will see you guys tomorrow night. I dive into my bed; cold sheets are the best on overheated summer nights as well as the fan above me blowing air at full force hurricane winds.

Saturday morning I wake up around eleven-thirty in the morning. I ask my parents if I can go to the party, they say yes, not very surprised. I arrive at Emmas house a little before sunset. Janette sits next to me and we begin to talk about everything that the both of us have missed since eighth grade. Lots of secrets are told that night, even the bisexual secret. I tell her about Robert and how happy he makes me, about my new friends I met in Conroe, and about my new rebound man, Jedi. My mom picked me up from Emmas house that night around ten at night. I give all of my friends goodbye hugs as

we plan to see each other later during the summer. As soon as I sit on the car seat, I feel my phone vibrate: New message from Jedi

I cant help but think of me and Roberts past, the arguments we have had because of his arrogance, the laughs we have shared, the secret conversations we have had that no one knows about. Meanwhile, with Jedi, I barely

I am left alone. Robert and Jedi are out of town. Robert is with some family in South Carolina, he promised me he was going to bring me a gift. Jedi is in Florida, with his Boy Scout troop. Im alone. One week of loneliness, one week for me to get my thoughts all worked out and what of what I am going to do about Jedi and Robert. To tell the truth, I really like Robert a lot more than Jedi, Jedi just makes me laugh.

know him and the only reason I like him is because he makes me laugh, but I will probably never see him again. I wish the life of the average teenager wasnt so complicated, I wish everything was just dropped in front of us and we dont need to learn anything because of our actions. And whenever you have a label it is worse, whenever you have a specific type of sexual attraction its hell because you are the meat with a pack of wolves.

I wish I could just sleep and let this week fly past. I wish my laziness could take over and I could just fall back on my bed for a few hours and sleep peacefully until next week. I have been having dreams lately, dreams of the last few guys I have had in the last few months. I dont really even know where my friendship with Chris stands anymore. I havent talked to him in like a month and we have drifted apart. Do I have feelings again for him? Possibly. Do I want him once again? A stupid mistake isnt made twice. Do I want to sleep? Definitely. I wish my eyes could just lock up for the

longest time possible until Robert and Jedi get back from their vacations. I want to dig my body into my bed comforter and sleep for a long time.

6
confused heart

One week has passed and both Robert and Jedi are back in the city. Ive missed them a lot; flirting with no one for a week is torture. Im planning on seeing Robert tonight at the Boy Scouts meeting, I really dont feel like going, but I will do anything to see my man. Last week I thought on what to do about Robert and Jedi. Do I ignore my feelings and continue living my life? Do I flirt with the both of them until I get tired of one? Or do I just forget one and go for the other? Ive finally made my final decision: Im going to flirt with the both of them and see which one I like most.

Dressing for success is always the best option do have when you are planning on flirting with a guy. I take pictures of my outfit with my phone and send them to some friends: Tonight. Yes or no? All of my friends tell me, yes. Its best to know what to wear when you actually have a sense of fashion and know how to match colors together to make the perfect outfit. I step into the room where the meeting is being held. Our troop has had this trailer for about 30 to 25 years. Its a big room in the front, laminated wood walls, a white ceiling with mold, and forest green carpet is what we

own. I think its time for a remodel, something new and different. I see Robert at one of the sides of the room, I sit next to Jake, I dont want to seem too flirtatious if I sit next to him and begin talking. Robert really needs a haircut, he definitely looks hot though, cant deny that. The meeting passes up quickly, I barely pay any attention. I spend most of my time texting on my phone with Jedi, trying to hide the message from the guys who are eager to read it, and trying to hide my phone from the adults that will confiscate it if they see it. All of the guys and me step outside of the trailer

when the meeting and chill outside in the warm balmy heat. I see Robert sitting on a park bench by himself, headphones in his ear and alternative rock music pounding into them and the bright white light from his iPod flashing into the sky. Hey, he begins the conversation. I sit next to him on the bench. Hey, I smile back to him. At that point I realized I never had to flirt with two guys at the same time. I always knew what I wanted but was confused by the two guys. Jedi is cool, but I barely know him, and will I ever see him again? I see Robert more often, we talk more, and Ive known him for a longer time.

Smiling is beauty, love is amazing, and Robert is mine.

bored. I need to see Jedi and Robert needs to be more sociable. I think its time for a switch, to switch a rebound. Waiting around for a guy to talk to me is pretty pathetic I decide. Switch Robert and Jedi, Jedi is my new number one, and Robert is the new rebound. Its the best I could have done to not end up alone, to not think of my decisions and simply live my life.

Ive realized that talking to Robert online is very boring. Our conversations usually last only a few back and forth messages, and if they last longer its a miracle. On the other hand, my conversations with Jedi can last for a few hours. Online, phone, however I think about it, Jedi is more entertaining. My mind is still set on Robert though, too many laughs, conversations, and memories would be thrown away for a guy I really care about to switch him over for a guy I might never even see again. The days pass by and I am absolutely tired of being

I look at the time on my phone, four in the morning, I think to myself. I turn off the lights and have my fan blowing air at a fast velocity; I shut my eyes and surrender myself to sleep. Decisions are made best when you think

them through and have no regrets, switch one for the other.

your eyes, ease your mind, and wait until the person you want to talk to begin the conversation. Sweat drenches my comforter, my bedspread, and my pillows the next morning. The fan is blowing air at tsunami winds, the curtains on the window continue to hit the window as loud as possible, and even with the strong winds; I continue to sweat. The warm sun rays and passing through the glass and making my bright orange walls illuminate. Its probably about noon right now, I think to myself. I step out of bed and walk towards the bathroom to take a cold shower. Everyone is at work right now, my brother with my

Summer nights are boring when you have no plans. When you just dont feel like talking to anybody in person, you much rather prefer to talk to them by text. This is me, the lazy loner who doesnt want to go out and see anyone because he is just too lazy to step outside of his house and let the rays of the sun leave marks on their skin. I look at the time on my phone, 3:30 in the morning. Falling back into your bed, laying there, and sleeping until noon is the best thing you can do when you dont feel like seeing anyone. Shut

dad at his office, and my mom at summer school. I stand under the shower head and let the water beat down on me like shards of glass. I dont want any hot water today, its too hot outside. Cold water lets all of the thoughts fall out of my mind, the refreshing sense of being alone, being lonely, makes it all the better. Facebook is all I do now. Im too lazy to actually have a normal conversation face to face; I prefer to do everything online. Half of my secrets and my life are on this profile. I check Jedis profile to see what has been going on in his life. Not talking to someone for a few days really

makes you wonder. His newest status update is posted and I begin to read. Boy, girl, boy, girl. Jedi and some bitch. Flirtatious comments back and forth, confessions and everything, right in front of my face for me to read. I click on the girls picture, I want to see the type of competition I have. Stereotypical white American bitch, blonde hair, blue eyes, and white skin. Hitler would have really loved her I think to myself; I see all of the pictures. Shes a Forever 21 hoe. Sometimes giving up is the best thing a person can do for themselves? I mean this girl is gorgeous and a guy and

a girl cant fight for a straight guy, its illogical. She can keep him I decide, Dump one and go for the other, is the new phrase I will have from now on. I cant help but read some of her statuses, its better to know the type of bitch your friend has and protect him from that. Girl on girl action is all I read, flirtatious comments back and forth. I laugh to myself silently, lesbian or bisexual? Who knows? Its better to keep your mouth shut and mind your business than to be telling your friend something that might be false.

he hasnt responded. Is he mad at me? Is he annoyed by me? Is he busy? Am I too clingy? I think he might be annoyed by me. I am always talking to him, I dont let the guy breathe, its time for me to give him space, and its time for me to think everything through. I might not even like this guy? To me, he seems like if he is just a rebound that I feel like flirting with but in the end, nothing can happen. When will I ever see him? When will I ever talk to him face to face? Maybe I should just sleep on my thoughts. Think it through, wake up tomorrow

After trying to talk to Jedi for the last couple of days

morning and I will know what to do. Morning quickly arrives;

I can barely survive the heat and the sun beating its rays through the glass window of my bedroom. Its Fourth of July and I am going out tonight, its time to see my friends once again, I have spent enough time by myself, I just need company. I arrive at Courtneys house, on the other side of my neighborhood. Its the first time Ive ever been here, a one story house with a big tree in the front and a white pickup truck on the driveway. Its always good to make first impressions with your friends parents, you dont want to seem like a trashy person about to come in and completely demolish their home. Being polite is always the way to go, respect people

and you get the exact same respect back. Courtney opens the door and lets me in; the kitchen is filled with large amounts of food on the countertop. Her parents are sitting in the living room on the couch with eager faces to meet Courtneys me. Nighttime quickly came by; beautiful diamonds sparkles were in the sky. We blew up fireworks and the blasted quickly into the sky; I wish I could fly into the sky, fly away from all of this, look down on everyone and smile. The party was over around eleven at night. Everyone was asleep; the house was as quiet as a ghost town. I sit next to my bedroom

window, blinds opened completely looking up into the sparkles in the midnight sky. Whenever I was little I would sit outside on a hot summer night, look up at the dark sky. You could only see a few twinkles in the sky, a little bit of light, and a bright sight of the moon. All I did was make wishes up to the Gods in the sky, now I do the same. Pray a little prayer to God, tell me what to do, close my eyes, fall asleep on the carpet of my bedroom. Dreams always tell you the truth: Robert.

7
as I begin to fall
Vacations are good for people to reflect and think about decisions that are happening in the present. Im

going to Oklahoma for a week with Robert and the rest of the guys, its time to see what type of relationship I can have with him, if it was meant to be then great, if it wasnt goodbye. The guys and I meet up at the shack on the morning. No phones allowed, no text, no Wi-Fi, no internet. Its a week without any technology; all we can have is out iPods for the trip. Jake and I ride with the little brats in the van; we stole their backseat and listened to music. Hours passed and we stopped at a State Park close to Dallas to spend the night there, we would be in Oklahoma the next day.

When we arrived, it was all dark clouds in the sky. We had to set up the tents quickly, it a shower of water was going to come falling quickly onto the earth. Robert kept complaining about how he didnt want to sleep with the little kids and wanted to sleep with Jake and Colton instead, I have already spent enough time with those little kids and he decided to go back to their tent. The storm quickly passed, and the beautiful sun was over the lake behind our tents. Robert was in solitude, sitting of the rocks, headphones and music blasting, I decided to leave him alone. He was probably pissed; my chances of having

him arent going so great right now. We arrived in Oklahoma around noon on Saturday; we had the tour, did the regular stuff, and set up our tents. Robert ended up tenting with Jake instead; I shared my tent with Colton. Colton left that night to go back to Texas; he had a fever which wasnt going to let him survive this week of warm blazing heat in Oklahoma. I got moved out of that tent, in case it was something infectious, and was moved to the spare tent we had. The outdoors are terrible. Its all animals, insects, and heat that no one can stand. I hate Boy Scouts, I dont find this program very

necessary, my parents put me in this and now I cant get out until I get my Eagle, thank god Im close. No one can stand one of these hot afternoons, Robert and I sit at one of the tables we have in front of the tents. He pulls me aside and takes me into his tent. We are going to steal the little kids fans, Robert tells me. I nod and smile at the plan, we were the stupid ones that forgot to bring fans when we knew it was going to be this hot outside. I was the decoy of this situation; I talked to the guys asking them for favors, anything to get them away from the tent. Robert would enter through the back flap of the tent, steal the fan,

and run back to the tent. Once Robert had the fan in his tent, I would tell the kids I found what I was looking for and return to Roberts tent. Thats what we did every afternoon until we left Oklahoma, at night we would return their fans so it would seem like nothing happened. In the afternoons, sometimes the kids would be asking where their fans were, we would hide them under anything around us, shirts, boxes, etc. At the end, the dads would get mad at them for their irresponsibility, we would try to swallow our laughter, and these laughs couldnt be hidden. Our friendship was growing stronger, but the

relationship I wanted I realized could never happen between us. The last night that we were in Oklahoma, there was a campfire where everyone at the camp would attend. I sat next to Jake; Robert was on the other side with the annoying kids. I was pretty tired and I asked Jake if I could lay my head on his shoulder, he said, sure, as long as you dont fall asleep. People behind us were talking about us, I really dont care though, I dont know them and they dont know me, so I am probably never going to see them again. The next morning we returned to Houston, goodbye to Oklahoma and youre beautiful hills and mountains. I

sat next to Jake on the ride back home, Roberts dad driving, and Robert on the passengers seat. Ten hours of sitting on your ass and you have a lot to think about. Was I still interested in Robert? Yes, but I cant have him. Was I interested in Jake? No, he was more like a test drive. Sometimes situations dont plan out like you were expecting them to, I have finally learned this. All I could have from Robert is a friendship, no other type of relationship. I grab my pillow and lay my head down. These are the consequences of my actions, which I have finally accepted.

Its only been a day and I miss him. I miss waking up with him and talking to him. When you spend a long week with that special person out of state, anything can happen. Nothing was ever going to happen, Ive accepted that. But secrets are better kept sealed and locked away for no one to find out, that one day that one person finds out THAT secret, you are persecuted. Its better to have things kept the way they are; maybe later in time it will be the correct moment to tell Robert the truth, but not right now. All I can honestly say is I have truly fallen, but maybe my heart is trying to confuse me and my brain is taking control.

I ignore my conscious, friends for now, not anything else later. Deals are accepted, the truth is all I wanted to know. If I could be with this person and I cant. I dont cry, I have never cried for another person, and I am not planning on starting now.

and Chris is this going to be a repeated story? Is it going to be a change? The past is best left in the past, there is no reason to unlock and open old wounds. Its time to think on the present, try talking to Robert; maybe he can help me forget all of these memories. Ive tried talking to

Memories continue to race through my mind. Memories I thought I had dealt with a long time ago and forgotten, come back to haunt my present. Everything that happened to me my freshman year, the scars, the tears, the confessions, the feelingsare all back to destroy me. I cant stop thinking of everything that happened between me

Robert for the last few days. Nothing has happened, he hasnt talked to me, and whenever I try talking to him he doesnt answer. He is definitely avoiding me, its time for me to just forget him, let him take a breather, and I cant stand this anymore. Thinking is the best thing I can do. I try to focus on other stuff, other friends,

other people in general. But the memories and the guys haunt me, Im sure that by the end of high school I will end up hating everyone who has approached me and I will want to murder everyone. Its barely passed noon, I take a quick shower and put on a pair of gym shorts and a plain white t shirt, Im not planning on doing anything today. I grab my sunglasses and iPod and sit outside in the patio, the fan blowing air as fast as possible while the sun is over my head. The glass table in front of me begins to vibrate, one new message. So I heard you are bi? the number isnt saved onto the phone. Who could this person be?

Who are you? Not one living organism can survive this heat; I grab the soda from the table and sip it slowly, let the liquid run down my throat. I want to dip my head in ice cold water. Vibrate. I begin to read the message, Its Genesis, Tatianas friend? From then on we began to talk. I had a new person that I could go to with my problems; talk to about guys and sexuality, anything I felt like, everything is better left like it is at the moment.

someone and that person isnt flirting back, all you need to do is avoid the person; they will slowly come to you. And that was my plan for the next couple of weeks, avoid Robert, and try not to talk to him. The only time I can talk to him is whenever he talks to me; otherwise, Im not allowed to do so.

8
close and far
Plans are always made when you really want something accomplished. When you want a friend, you begin talking to them, get to know them better. When you are trying to flirt with

I cant stop thinking of the past. It was two years ago, the end of my eighth grade year. Colton, my other friend Robert, and I were going to a state park in the woods of Jasper, Texas, a town close to the Louisiana border. We arrive at the park at night; there is no moonlight in the sky, only pitch black. Robert

and I decide to share a tent together, our other friend, Clay is sleeping in the tent with us. Colton sleeps under the stars on a cot with a mosquito net covering him. The humidity is unbearable, all I can feel is moisture on my skin. I lay close to Robert, talking peacefully about everything; Clay is asleep on the other side of the tent. Do you want to do something? Robert asks me. I can feel the heat from his skin collide onto me; the humidity makes me sweat more. Sure, what do you want to do? I ask him.

He slowly whispers into my ear and smiles. Okay, I tell him and smile back. Robert stands up and forces all of his weight on top of me. The steam from his shirtless body is hitting my face like a wave; he slowly begins to move his body back and forth on top mine. Minutes pass and I can feel the heaviness of his body on mine. His crotch begins to feel heavy, the straight guy is really getting into it, I think to myself. I can feel his sweat slowly pour onto my body; my hands take control and begin to feel all over. After an hour of this, he lays down next to me. I lay my head down on his shoulder and we begin to talk once

again. This is what we did all night, talk and mess around sexually. The feeling was indescribable; I cant even describe this guy in words. I wake up the next morning with my head still on him, no one is awake yet. I slowly move my head off of him and place it on my pillow and return to sleep. No one ever knew about this, and no guy that I know will ever know. Since then, every time we went camping, that is what we did.

think its a sign of relief. Maybe I needed my break from him too? I have also begun to talk to Chris once again. My memories with him also rush back into my mind; its a whirlwind of confusion. The three men of my life haunt me, the one of my first relation, the one of my present, and the one of my confession.

We are all outside playing tetherball while the The memory is glued onto me; I cant stop thinking about it. Meanwhile, with my Robert of the moment, Im still avoiding him. He hasnt talked to me and Im beginning to head is beating down on us like drums. I dont really care about tetherball, Im not very athletic. Last time I played it was with Robert, one of my

powerful swings made the ball his Robert right in the gut. I sit alone on the bench watching the game; the full moon from the sky illuminates the grass and the land in the area. Robert comes and sits next to me: Hey, are you okay? He asks me. Yeah, Im okay. Why do you ask? I ask him back. No smiles, nothing. Im not even mad; Im just eh, about the whole situation. He knew something was wrong. But instead of asking me himself, he sat with me, while we laughed and watched some videos. Thats what I needed, someone to come to

me so I dont have to go to them. The meeting ends, I return home to close my eyes the earliest I have all summer. The sun rises the next day as I do. I want to see Robert outside of Boy Scouts; I dont want that to be the only place where we can see each other. Do you want to go to the movies? I post on his profile. I wait with anticipation for a response, a few hours later I get my answer: Sorry, Im busy this weekend. Rejection.

Im blindsided, the corruption of my life at the moment and completely destroyed me inside and made me think everything as unimportant. Im worried about maybe Robert finds out that I like him, what will

9
further apart
Ive always been the type of person to think too much about a small situation. I think Ive been reading the signs wrong with Robert, I think my mind wants to believe that he likes me but he never will. Its impossible for a straight person to love or even have feelings for someone like me.

happen? Will our relationship fall from the sky like a ton of steel? Will I become black hearted? If he finds out about me feelings from him it has to come out of my mouth, I dont want some other idiot telling him anything about this. I need to have the balls to tell him what is going on.

I hate finding out secrets from other people while the other person is next

to me. Ignorance is everywhere, flirtatious vibes are continuous, all you have to do is ignore these conditions and try to live your life as simple as possible. Robert, the rest of the guys, and I are going out to dinner tonight. When you are trying to look presentable but not show off, the best thing to wear is a pair of jeans, a Polo shirt, and a pair of Sperrys. Places where you arent expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen are usually where these situations happen. So who is the new girl? Jake asks Robert. Hide the anger. Try to control the red skin on my

face. Smile and act like if nothing is wrong. Someone Robert tells us. Fuck all of these people. Fuck everyone. I seriously want to crash onto my bed and not wake up for eternity. I want to take an everlasting sleep. That night my friend gave me some good advice I needed to hear from someone: Dont let that person you like control your life. Live your life, ignore the rest. You dont want to end up like I did a few years ago, Elisa told me.

What do you mean? I ask her. Now I want to know everything that happened. A few years ago, I went out with this guy and he abused me because I would always be asking what he was doing. Adrian, you dont want to be too clingy.

isnt saved onto my phone, I quickly text back to the mysterious person. Who is this? My fingers have a mind of their own as I quickly text the message onto the phone and send it. My phone begins to shake violently once again.

I hear the phone vibrate on the carpet floor as I lay on the couch and watch the television. The phone reads: one new message. My finger pushes onto the phone sliding it open allowing me to read the message. Im going back to Austin this year! The message says. The number

Its me, Madi. Glad to hear the news about Madi not going to another school like her mother was planning on doing I send everyone a message, telling them the news. Throughout last year Madi always had scars on her arms and tears dropping from her eyes. Her parents were split up; her biological father

lived on the other side of Houston. One day she came to school with scars and bruises, her father beat her continuously and her mother had to drive to his home to save her daughter.

to another part of Houston, her father never returned, and they stayed in the house where they are currently living.

Lust is one of the seven The scars have those memories trapped within her skin. Madis mother also noticed that a lot of things were going on at school, situations concerning her daughter which was another reason why the scars were on her wrists. Then, when she thought thats the situation wasnt going to worsen, Madis father demanded custody of his daughter. Madis mother got a restraining order against him and he didnt return. For safety, Madis mother was planning on moving her family I might like my friend Chris tall, skinny: practically anorexic, brunette, brown eyes, handsome, straight to try to manipulate your own deadly sins. I am consumed by it, to cry to forget about one person to try to make your mind fall for someone else, all you are doing is hurting yourself. That is exactly what I am doing, trying to forget one. Too much time has passed with this situation and I have nothing to do with it anymore. Its over.

mind and yourself to fall for another thing is like a step back. Its the yearning you have for what you want, but can never have. Its what makes me what I am, a person without a face to express his feelings. I have slipped into the rabbit hole and into the world of Wonderland, where confusion is your main goal and where death is needed. The thoughts are trapped in my mind like a piece of hell that doesnt want to escape. Its time for me to think everything through The beach is the best place to think about everything. The serenity of the waves, sitting in the warm sand and looking up into a sky

so blue without clouds and a beautiful sunshine overboard, and the refreshing water you can sit in and place your mind into. This is what the beach is to me, an escape route from me and where my thoughts can be placed and left forever.

love Robert, its hard to forget someone who you cant be with and the more you think, the more you fall. I dont want to love him; I dont want to like him. I dont want to have to see him, I just want to forget his face and erase him from my memory. Im moving along, and this time I am completely serious. I need to block my thoughts of him out of my mind. Why fall for a straight guy to only have a torn heart at the end?

10
playing games
The thoughts that I have been pondering on have finally reached into my mind. I

I talked to Rachel last night. She has a plan for me to forget Robert, leave him out of my body and soul and let him fly away like a pack of birds. My mind floats back to yesterday:

What we need to do is find you a bisexual or a gay guy. Someone who will accept you and not make you have so much heartbreak. This is what my mind is set upon. Goodbye to Robert, hello to someone else. Life couldnt be easier at the moment. Soon the sun goes away its time to return to school, summer is over.

the walls make me wake up even more than I already. An hour passes and I arrive at school. The building that I havent even stepped into in three months is in front of me once again, with the obnoxious screams for the annoying adolescents inside. My crew is in the middle of the cafeteria, we take up a whole table of kids and the freshman surrounding us on all corners. Sophomore year was here,

The alarm on my phone vibrates vigorously on the nightstand. 5:45 AM. Its the first day of school, its time to reunite with friends, meet new people, and return to education sadly. I slide my feet across the carpet floor and into the bathroom. The lights and the lime green on

and it wasnt until today that I noticed why upper classmen dont like the freshman; they are obnoxious and too loud for it to only be seven in the morning. The day passes by quickly with the general classes we have to take:

Geometry, Chemistry, English, and World History. Seven periods of the repeated information, the repeated rules of the teachers over and over. 1. Dont speak while I am speaking. 2. Bring your school supplies every day. 3. Do your class work and homework. As soon as I arrive at my house, I take a nap. At night I have a scouts meeting, Robert is there once again. The feelings I have for him return once again, the person I have been trying to forget has haunted me once again. To tell you the truth, I have actually been thinking about tell Robert for the past few weeks. My thoughts all have to do with him now; there is no break from him, his out. I HATE when people force me to do something I really dont want to do. The only way this situation works is if I am the one telling someone to do something, otherwise, shut the hell up. me. I dont want him to find I dont want to, I respond to her statement. Why not? she asks You should tell him, Traci tells me on the phone.

face, his embrace, and his conversations. But I will tell him everything in my time, not when someone is making me do so. Tonight I get to see him once again, I hope he isnt there though; I dont want to see his face. The day quickly passes by, sunset comes quickly and hides its face from the world, and there is only a big white ball of rock in the sky now. Both Roberts are there. I would much rather talk to the one I almost had sex with than to the one I am crushing on at this moment. Maybe I should tell him, start telling the guys carefully and surely. If I do that none of them will talk to me though, think about

it, a bunch of straight guys and one bisexual one in a tent. They will probably think I want to rape them all at the same time or something. I later decide not to. The hour quickly passes by, I see the other Robert, the straight one, and I quickly walk towards him. I want to tell him everything, confess to him everything; I dont want this weight on my heart any longer. As soon as I am about to tell him a thought pops into my mind, If I tell him everything, it might be possible that I lose a friend with benefits.

Revenge is always bittersweet. To be able to do something to someone for all

of the pain they caused you is amazing. I sound like an asshole right now, but some people really deserve to be talked down to like this. It all started in chemistry. Madi and I were talking about the past, how we used to fight for Chris attention, about the scars that he placed on our souls, about how we almost lost ourselves because of him. This how it all started, this is what started our anger. Our reason to do something terrible to someone just to feel better on the inside. We still dont know what we want to do, but it has to be something big. Something so huge and gigantic, that his balls

between his legs will slowly rise up instead of plop onto the ground like a ton of steel. Maybe I will come up with something tonight and tell her later, I really dont know.

The plan for our vengeance finally popped into my mind. Flyers. If we can make enough flyers and throw them in the hallways at school with no cameras that would be the best revenge we could have. Our vendetta will begin tomorrow at school. Sleeping is impossible whenever you come up with such a smart idea to try to make fun of someone. I can barely sleep, but after an hour and a half of

laying there silently on my bed, my eyes slowly close. At the last minute we change our plans. We dont want to get into any trouble by throwing the flyers in the hallway; maybe we can just taunt him. Put one flyer in his backpack and once he sees it he will be so mad but not know who it was.

2. He fucked some bitch in the school bathroom to prove that he isnt gay. 3. He made out with a guy in a bathroom stall during a football game. That was the best work I have done in a long time to someone in a long time. All lies all mean, all hilarious. Sixth period quickly

Trevor helps us sneak the flyer into Chris backpack; he is the only one that has a class with him. While no one is looking in their history class, Trevor places the flyer in there. Within an hour, Chris finds the flyer and reads it out to himself: 1. Dont go out with this guy, his penis is filled with STDs.

comes, the class that Madi, Trevor, and I have together to talk about our plans with Chris. We are in big trouble, Trevor comes in and tells us. What happened? I ask him. He is threatening on telling the principal, unless the

person who made the flyer tells the truth. Im not saying anything. I dont apologize to people, I just act, I tell Trevor. I think we should tell, Madi tells us. Im not going to, its better to keep your mouth shut, I tell her. What if they begin to investigate? Madi tells us. Investigate what? This isnt Criminal Minds; the principals are not going to investigate over a flyer because a snitch told on us. Like I said, it is better to keep our mouths shut, I tell them. End of discussion.

I agree with Adrian, we should just let it go, Trevor tells us. Its two against one, and the victim on the other side of the wall we have created. Okay, I will give it a few days, Madi tells us. And like I thought was going to happen, that kids balls slowly rose up. To be a snitch instead of thinking, fuck these immature teenagers, shows who truly has the power in this situation.

11

a war of words

Throughout the day, a headache forms that wants to

Dreams are like secret notes that open in your mind and tell you what you want to do while you sleep. The words keep repeating in my mind, my body drops faster into the mattress, the words keep beating my leaving me more unconscious. TELL ROBERT keeps repeating in my mind. My head feels heavy with cinderblock, these two words keep dropping, and I shut my eyes tightly and wake up the next morning. I will tell him. Ive made my final decision, its my final verdict. Its what I want to do, I want to open up and just say, Yes, I do have strong feelings for you.

ruin my brain. As the day continues, the headache adds up and accumulates into something that cant be stopped. Sunset quickly comes as the sun dives into the earth. Im going to tell him now, I think to myself. I send him a quick message: Do you remember that thing I told you a few months ago? I click the send but and within seconds he receives the message. An hour later I get a message from Robert: yeah, what about it?

I send him another message: well what if I tell you that this has to do with you now?

prove us as guilty of the situation. She shakes her head uncontrollably. I cant, Im going to tell him.

Im worried about all of this, Madi tells me regarding the Chris situation. What about it? He isnt going to do nothing. The principals dont have any evidence, I tell her. Its the same words repeated over and over, they are memorized and glued into my mind. He told the principals though, Madi tells me once again. Its a repeated story, they arent going to do anything, there is no evidence! There is nothing to I wrote the flyers, Madi tells Chris. I am on the other side of the room, listening in on the conversation. I dont believe you; you are too nice to do that. Someone meaner had to do this, Adrian or Trevor? He asks her. I feel like if I am stuck in quicksand, I continue to sink into the earth, my feet cant breathe, I am six feet under. Chris looks up from the table and spots me. The best

way to hide is to stay where you are put, words cant hurt you anymore and fights dont do anything but create a pile of bones and ash. Did you do it? Time to confess something I really want to forget. It was a stupid mistake. The best way to confess a question like this is being a frank bitch. Stern voice, yes it was me. He sits in front of me and looks into my eyes. I stare back, my eyes say it all. I really dont care, what is he going to do? Hit me? Okay a scratch or a bruise will be created on my skin. Threaten me? I laugh at the stupidity of peoples vocabulary.

I see his hand move straight into the air and I feel skin and bone smash into the side of my face. My head barely tilts to the side, no pain, no agony. Everyone at the table is left with their mouths open, I laugh. Now its my turn, I raise my hand in the air and swing it straight into his face, full force. No one hits me without getting hit back in return.

Words float through the hallways of the school like a beautiful kite flying in the air. The revenge has begun; Chris has already begun all of his rumors. His first victim: Madi. So I heard a little story about you? a random guy

tells Madi as we are walking down the hallway. What did you hear? Madi asks the kid. You sucked on Chris Park, the guy laughed and walked away. We have stepped into a battle zone with no fallout; the only way you can get out is if you get killed. The only way to fight back without doing anything is telling the enemy that you liked their battle tactics. I tell Madi this; I know she wont be able to survive the rumors without creating lines on her wrists unless she does this.

Ive finally made up my mind to confront Robert. Face to face. No hiding. All truth. Im planning on seeing him tonight at the meeting, its my chance to talk and not be ignored. I have the right to speak to him, put everything on the main table. My heart thumps loudly, it feels like it is about to pop out of my chest and land on the ground, get squashed by a strangers foot. I see him once I open the door; he tries to hide his face. There is no time for him to hide, its time from us to talk. The meeting is over and I cant talk to him no more. I chickened out; I dont want to talk anymore. I should just mind my own business, and if

he wants to talk to me, go ahead and I will listen with open ears. Adrian, we are leaving! my dad yells from the parking lot next to the van. I walk towards the car, left, right, left, and right. Leave my confessions in my mind I dont want to confront them, the wind picks up. Adrian! its the voice. Roberts voice, he is the one to start the conversation, just what I wanted. I turn around and see him. He begins to smile and I smile back. Thats the sign, the sign that everything is okay. There are no worries or

complications in our friendship. I have to go, my dad is calling me, I tell Robert. I smile and walk away, no worries.

We are going camping this weekend. Me, him, the rest of our friends. I can feel my stomach twisting into separate knots, constricting me, pulling me down, like if something bad is about to happen. A situation that is going to mark my life forever and change me for a long time. There are no stars in the black, pit of a sky we have above our heads. Our tents are already set up, we dont need to put anything together Its a chance to escape with Robert. Its time to see what he really thinks of me. A friend or a pest? Someone he can talk to, or someone he wants to punch in the face? and I am glad I am too lazy. Im disappointed with the tenting arrangements, Jake and I. I wanted to be with Robert and feel his warmth next to me while I sleep; nothing ever comes out as we wish.

12
avenge the demons

The night quickly passes and the sun raises beating down its rays onto the tents I am sleeping in and waking me up. The hours quickly pass into the afternoon while we spend time together. Everything seems to be going well, but it is never perfect. Robert grabs onto my arm, tell them. Tell them what? I ask him. That little secret he winks at me and continues walking towards the guys. Bastard. I think in my mind, disgusting bastard. I feel like smashing his face into a plate of glass until there is a trail of blood from forehead to chin.

The day continues to pass, and the more air I share with him the angrier I get. I want to return home and not be in this crappy situation. My phone is my savior at the moment, I begin to text everyone I know and tell them what is going on. I dont have any tears to cry, the Adrian that existed once has died. Why arent you talking? Robert asks me. I look into his eyes and roll mine. Because I dont feel like it, I tell him. Everyone looks at us now; the tension in our group is building up and will explode into a million particles any second. The world has crashed quickly into a black hole.

Im like a zombie now; I have no feelings, no control. I allow everyone to use me and manipulate me into doing what they want me to do. I am a hollow, waste of space, which now seems to walk by itself, like a solitary spirit. At school I speak to no one, whats the reason to do so? No one cares about me as it seems. Everyone stares at me because of my silence; I am a slave in my own body that wants to escape to a place where no one can torture me. I didnt even cry when I got home yesterday, why should I? To show him what he has done to me. He doesnt even deserve to have me in his thoughts.

At the morning table in the cafeteria, I stare into space at the white wall at the far end of the room. I can feel the weight of everybodys eyes looking at me, torturing me to talk. But I am invisible. As the day goes on everyone wants something from me, all of my friends know what happened, but they leave me be. They understand I want to be alone. I can feel the phone vibrating in my pocket; I reach my hands into my pocket to see who it is. Rachel. I have a guy friend you can meet. I am done with people. I am done with men. I am done with myself. I just lost one person I cared dearly about

and now I have someone trying to introduce me to a new person. I ignore the message and continue listening to the discussion in class. Towards the end of the day I want to murder myself, slit my wrists, and let the blood ooze out of my veins. I begin to write a note of pure anger towards him, as I write the last sentence I begin to cry. I cant believe I am crying for this bastard, he doesnt deserve my tears. Madi and Trevor look at me from the other side of the room, I can see Madi mouthing something towards me, and I dont know what it is. I look closer, read her lips: Robert?

He is nothing. He is dust from my past, murdered by my thoughts. I lay my head down to my desk; I dont feel like talking and ignore her. Why am I crying for him, I realize. Fuck him. I begin to think about the message Rachel sent me and text her back: I want to meet him. Why should I be depressed for this bastard? Im going to forget him and live my life, going to those meetings is going to be hell though. The only reason to survive is with glares, cold glares, and blank stares at him while he speaks. I wont have any words to tell him.

Meet me in the theatre hallway after school, Rachel texts me back. As soon as the bell rings to let us out of our classes I walk towards the theatre hallway. She is there standing next to the lockers waiting for me and grabs my hand. Rachel pulls me through the hallway towards the far doors. Jonathan! she yells out. He turns around and smiles. Jonathan is taller than me, pale skin, brunette, brown eyes, and attractive looking. He is wearing a pair of white Zara jeans, black converse, a maroon shirt, and a black sweater.

This is my friend Adrian, Rachel tells him. I give him a little smile, the biggest smile I have given in the past few days. Jonathan holds out his hand. I reach for it and grab it, Im Jonathan, he tells me. Adrian, I tell him. In my mind I think to myself, Robert, I will kill you with every new guy I meet.

I have begun to talk to Jonathan for the past few days and who knows maybe I like him. He definitely keeps my mind busy from Roberts thoughts; maybe its the aspiration of someday getting over the bastard that makes me think about Jonathan.

Its a new feeling; at least I can feel the sun shine on me once again. Now I possibly have something to wake up to, a new reason to live, to avenge the feelings I once had for that bastard. Do you like me? he asks me. I think for a quick response. I dont know, maybe, do you want me to like you? I ask him. I might, he tells me. I begin to smile at the message and text back, well what if I did like you? I ask him. Then I would tell you, you are cute, but too young for me. Thats what I get for flirting with a senior, I think to myself.

Well what would I have to do for us to begin to possibly date? I ask him. He responds back quickly, We need to get to know each other better, he writes back. That sounds perfect with me.

My thoughts for Robert keep racing through my mind. I cant take it; its like a nightmare that never ends a migraine that never heals. Why did I need to fall in love with you? I think to myself. Why you? Why did I hurt myself when I met you two years ago? The questions race through my mind and dont leave me alone. Will he ever die? Or will he always be that

memory that cant get erased?

13
desire to forget
Its been a month. A long month, that I wish didnt have to do with the months before. From the beginning of summer until now, I have no reason to talk to him, and especially no reason to forgive him. He hasnt even

apologized; he hasnt asked me what is wrong. When I see him all he gets is a blank stare, there is no feeling, no emotion, within that stare. Its just an empty space with no escape route. I want to forget him, and I dont want to forgive him. A disgusting pig like that doesnt deserve forgiveness, at least, not until I decide to talk to him once again. I want to say that I hate him that he is nothing, but I cant, I still love him, and thats what hurts the most. My life was so much better before I had him in my life, before I liked him and actually cared and gave a fuck for whatever happened to him. Now he is dust from my past, the trash that my life has consumed for me.

I go into my room and stare at the scissors on the desk next to the window that overlooks the street, it takes courage to grab that utensil and create marks on your skin until you are tired of it. Scars also show how pathetic you are, how useless and unneeded you are to the world and those around you. I havent felt like this in five months, I havent done this in five months, but now its time to start, seeing as how I am pathetic, useless, unneeded, and courageous to grab those scissors. I begin to harm myself, mark my upper right arm with no worries. I like to show my scars and just think, Yes, I did this, and I dont care. I begin slowly, so I can barely feel the

pain, but as the emotion and the anger step in, it becomes swifter and swifter, until I am not in control but my arms that quickly create the cuts I am soon going to have on my arm. Once I stop, there is a burning sensation on my arm that wont stop, I decide to sleep and wake up tomorrow ready to show everyone what I have become. I dont need anyone to hug me or protect me; I dont need anyone to love me. I am perfectly fine with these new scars and there is no need for protection. The scars dont matter, nothing matters anymore.

Opening a heart and confessing hidden secrets, and new discoveries, is like a stab wound to the chest. You never know what will happen afterwards, the coldness of the metal of the knife paralyzes you into perpetual sorrow, until someone is finally there to heal you. Thats what I need to do, find someone who can protect me from harm, to kill and destroy the demons from my past and my present. A person to hold me up when I fall and hug me like if I was the most important thing on this planet. Jonathan was one of those people that slowly picked me up from the ground a month ago. I am still too close to the ground though, and as the days continue to

pass, the vine I am hanging on begins to tear more and more until it breaks eternally. Send me falling down into the water, and break my bones on the surfacing rocks. Once I log onto my laptop I see Jonathans name pop up on the screen. I want to speak up to someone, tell them everything without harsh commentary, and let someone understand the dark past I had when I liked that bastard. I began to tell my story, everything from beginning to ending. Every detail, feeling, emotion, and desire. Every sin that popped into my mind, all of the kisses I wanted to give him, and the sexual desire I had for him.

Everything I was telling was flowing down a negative road, the way he was writing back his comments felt like a shun, and that wasnt my intention. The final comment was what hurt the most, think of how he feels. How he feels? Happy to have me out of his moronic and pointless life, how many girls has he flirted while all of this was happening? How many words has he told me, he never even apologized, never smiled or even told me hello. He must feel so great to completely erase me from his life while I am still here fighting the hell he put me through. Its time to drop the memories on the ground and just leave them behind, forget

the words and the happenings of my life, and simply continue walking. Stop trying to make people your savior because not everyone is always there with open arms, you will know who your savior is when they begin talking to you.

until it reaches antagonistic ears. And from there your world begins to fall down quickly and you just dont want to talk to anyone because you dont want anybody asking you if the secret is true. Thats why you

Secrets roam around our lives like if it were a person speaking to us for a long time. Taunting us, and making us want to believe we are special because we have a few secret thoughts hidden in our minds ready to explode. Secrets cant be kept forever though, once you tell one person something they promised to keep quiet it spreads in various directions,

cant trust anyone, you can only trust yourself, and once the truth is out, there is no turning back. I need to tell you something, the text message I just received says. James. A good friend from last year with a secret that I possibly know. I notice the way he looks at people a particular gender though, the way he smiles, the way he speaks, the

way he just wants to be close to someone. Whats up? I text into the phone and send him the message. Im not anxious for him to text me back, I know what he is going to tell me, Im just planning on playing it cool and acting as if I know nothing. I think Im gay, he responds. You think or you know you are you just dont want to admit it? I send him the message. Straightforward. You either are or you arent, I think to myself. No need to run around the truth to keep a sane reputation. I am. And thats perfectly fine; at least you can accept it and know the truth about yourself.

I think its time for forgiving, just start with a new slate and start a new friendship with Robert. Forget what has happened and toss it out, its part of the past, we should create a stronger and better friendship than the last one, maybe this one will last.

14
give up or move along
I want to confess to my parents everything, mainly the bisexuality. I know I will get ridiculed and murdered and killed by their vicious words and their strong hands, but I am tired of living a double life. They will probably send me to a church to pray to God to rid me of my sin and pour holy water on me until I am cured. Maybe they will think I am going through an exorcism, they will force a cross on my mind until the devil of myself will escape and create an apocalyptic downfall. Maybe I should, who knows, every action I do

causes myself or someone else to get hurt. Jonathan has become my number advice giver, even though the answers and the advice he gives me isnt what I want to hear, I at least know its the truth. I decide to ask him for advice to give me words of wisdom so I will know the correct route to choose. I think you are still too young and innocent to tell them, is all he tells me, end of the conversation. At least it was the answer I wanted; otherwise I would have been burned in hell by now. As the days have passed I have felt better, I have a clean mind and platter in front of me to be covered with words and true secrets

once again. My life has pointed towards the positive, even though I still dont have that friend that I still wish to have, the one I can talk about anything with, I know he will come soon. My friends are amazing, they give me that extra push that lets me be myself and live my life and want to continue living. Its even better to be forgiven, to be able to give your friends space and months later after all of that anger they still love you. Thats what I did with Chris; I apologized for the flyers and the terrible words and lies that I had written onto them. I dont even know why I did it; there was no reason to have done it because in the

end, he never hurt me. I hurt him and I hurt myself, I guess I am the real villain of my life after all. Thats why I cleaned the slate, threw away all of that baggage I have been carrying around since my freshman year, and have decided to start over. I like Chris, Trevor tells me. Congratulations I think. If this were the past I would have made sure Chris knew, but I dont want to be mean anymore. I dont want to threaten and scare people. All I want to do is fight for my rights, and never fall from the cloud I have reached. I like Annaliese, Chris tells me. In the past, I would have made up a rumor about her to separate Chris from

Annaliese. And as the days go by, my life turns more and more towards the positive, and yes my true secrets are still out on the table, but they have been out for a long time, and they can stay there.

You fell out of it? Or you realized you can never have him? I asked him. Both. And thats perfectly fine, I think to myself. At least he can act upon the truth and know he will get hurt if he continues to

I have come to realize that I still like Robert; I dont think I love him anymore, but the feelings are still there in my heart. I dont seem to care anymore and I am glad, because once those feelings leave I will be happier. I dont want to like Chris anymore, Trevor tells me. Why not? I asked him. The same reasons you did.

like Chris. I gave up on Annaliese, Chris tells me. What happened? I asked him. I chickened out, he tells me. And thats also perfectly fine. Everything comes in its own time, in its own way. You dont have to force yourself to do something you dont want to do, if you feel comfortable in your own skin thats fine. All

of the secrets come out sooner or later, and you need to prepare yourself for those.

15
guardian angel
I have been blessed. I am finally over Robert and now I finally have that friend I have been longing for. His name is Mason and he is just a freshman. But he is probably one of the sweetest people I

have ever met; hes in my Spanish class and has been all year. But it took me months to talk to him, until just a few days before the end of the first semester. Now its the second semester and we pretty much talk to each other twice a week for hours after school, its a great feeling. I might have even fallen for him within the month that we became friends. He is the type of person that can make you fall quickly, because he is always so sweet and funny and laughing at the things you do. And if I did, who cares? Its my thoughts and its my life, no one else has any room to criticize.

next to me and every time he notices he tends to smile. Our Spanish teacher, Ms. Diaz, seems to hate us because our personalities and pretty identical. Both lazy, laid back, sarcastic, and we are always talking to each other. If Mason didnt do his homework one day, I didnt either, and its not like we planned it, it just happened. Neither one of us care though, we both tend to laugh when she gets angry with us. Mason knows how to hide his laughter, I cant, when I burst be ready for an earthquake to occur.

But soon my world In class I cant keep my eyes off of him, he sits right crashes towards the negative as it usually does and it was

all because of that one sentence Mason told me, I like someone and I am planning on asking her out. All I know is her name is Beatrice, some small Asian bitch and from what I hear she passes around the freshman male population, often. And here is another of her victims; the person I thought was the one, Mason. As the day passes I continue with the same feeling, sadness, and wanted to be needed and loved. Once I reach my house after a few hours I decide to text him. Not fight, not argue, just talk. I dont want to talk to him about her, just about anything.

Im planning on telling him about me being bisexual. I want him to know so that anything happens he will know I told him the truth and I didnt lie to him. Can I ask you something? I text him first. Baby steps. I dont just want to startle him. Sure, whats up, Mason texts me. Well there is something I want to tell you, and I hope we can still be friends after this.I text him and cross my fingers praying I wont lose him. You can tell me. Im bi. Thats cool.

Are you okay with that? Yeah, that doesnt change anything between us. We will always be friends and I will always be here for you. As long as you dont begin to have feelings for me and begin being weird with me Im cool. Thank you, Mason, I think to myself. He is definitely my guardian angel. Thanks I needed to hear that, I have lost a friend because of it. Robert. Well you dont have to worry about that with me.

Shes a slut, I hear them say. Its a group in the middle of the hallway of about five to six people. The ringleader is definitely someone from Sartartia, the other middle school that is zoned to Austin. She seems like the type, white with a bit of a tan, dirty blonde, and peppy, too peppy, and being too happy is a way to be squashed in the middle school I came from. I decide to walk into the group; I always like hearing gossip from other peoples mouths so that I dont need to spread it. So whos a slut?I ask.

16
relationship confessions

Do you know Mason Kale? the girl asks me.

Yeah, what about him? I ask her. Well his girlfriend, straight up tramp, the girl tells me. Now I need to know. If Masons girlfriend/ possibly whore Beatrice is messing around I need to know so that I can tell him. He deserves to know the type of girl he is with so that he wont be completely embarrassed when she is kissing another guy right in front of him. Why do you say that? I decide to ask her. I need details. Clear information. Before they started going out, Beatrice was with Masons best friend. They broke up, about two weeks

after she begins dating Mason. If that isnt a tramp then I dont know what is. Mason needs to know. I think to myself, I dont want to be the one to tell him, but he deserves to know. He doesnt deserve to be embarrassed when he sees Beatrice hugging or kissing some other guy in the hallway, which would break his heart. I think about this all day and I decide not to tell him. He needs to find out by himself, that way if what I heard was misinterpreted I wont seem like an idiot and a jerk. If he finds out the truth by himself, then it will hurt him more but it will be one hundred percent accurate.

Hey, I begin a conversation online with one of Mason and Is good friend, Erin. I met her just a couple of weeks ago as well in a theatre meeting we had at school. Hey, she writes back to me on my instant message. me.

There is only one little problem, I tell her. Which is? Erin asks

Beatrice, I heard that she isnt the cleanest of all the girls. Well Im the one who

So I like Mason, actually I might love him, I tell her. I want to talk about him, Im always thinking about him, Im afraid this feeling I am having for him is turning into an obsession. Really? Since when? She asks me. Since I met him, since we began to talk.

hooked them up. I can slowly feel my heart sink into the bottomless pit of my soul. Thats cool I guess Erin begins to write back to me, Im sorry I didnt know you had feelings for him, I wouldnt have hooked them up if I knew about you. I want to know the story

Well I think that is really sweet, she writes back to me.

of how they got together and thats exactly what I am planning on finding out, so

how did you hook them up? I ask her. They had liked each other for a long time so I told Mason to go for it and ask her out, and now its been a month since they got together. Exactly one month ago this all started. Mason asked Beatrice out two days after I told him of my bisexuality, and now its February ninth.

and doesnt respect anyone who is gay or has those sentimental feelings. The words keep running

17
anger and heat
I hate people who begin talking about people and expect them to never find out. If I ever find out someone has been talking about I will put them in their places, learn how to respect a person. It all started last weekend. I was with my best friend, Tatiana, at her mothers baby shower, and I found out that someone had been talking about me. Corbin. The thing with the bastard is he is homophobic,

through my mind, if he has a birthday party Im not going, hes a fag, was something that he told her. Its not like I was planning on inviting you, you arent that important, I think to myself. Hes nasty, he liked this one guy last year, but I got to the guy before and told him, is another thing. Why do I give a fuck about what you need to tell me? I think to myself. I decide to write a note. I always like writing notes to express my feelings; I dont need to worry about anything, unless I show the note to

someone. Who knows, maybe I do want to show someone to tell him, he will be pissed enough. I want him to be pissed, try to fight me; I will kick his scrawny bone ass. My notes tend to be funny, but mean. The same harsh words over and over, set up in different forms and sentences to express my feelings. The next day I show a couple of people to leave them laughing. By the end of the school day, everyone knows and is laughing, including Corbin. Looks like my wishes were granted, I wanted to have fun doing something and thats what I got, with a load of hatred.

Who cares though? I had a reason to do this.

Hes playing fire with fire. What he doesnt know is that the both of us are going to get burned, not just me. Its all the same words, over and over, and as I said before, who gives a fuck. Its not like Im even trying to piss him off, the bitch is a little prick. If I realize hes pissed or looking at me with that angry glare then I will mess with him, annoy him a little bit, its entertaining. In the cafeteria he is angry at me because I sit at his table to talk to some of his friends which are mine. He just stares at me from the end

of the lunch table, everyone feels the tension between us, and I give him a sarcastic smile, fuck around with the bastard. After school today Octavia told me that Corbin was talking about me after lunch. Im not surprised. I just want to hear the dumb stuff he had to say. What did he say? I asked her. Nothing really, the same stuff the always has to say. Youre a fag, Octavia tells me. And hes fake. So who cares?I tell her. End of that conversation. This year he is in my world history class. As my

friend Sania and I exit the room, he gives me a glare. Was that supposed to scare me? I think to myself and stare back, give him a more powerful glare. Does this guy really think he is going to scare me with a glare? I ask Sania as she busts out laughing to make it clear to Corbin that I dont give a fuck what he has to say. Everyone is on my side about this fight, so he trying to ruin my life really wont do anything, because he is an asshole and no one likes him right now. My friend Julia went to Rachels house for a party, I didnt go because I knew Corbin was going to be there. So I heard about Adrian and you? What

happened? Julia asked Corbin. Corbin repeated the story to Julia. Yeah youre an asshole, fuck you, Julia told Corbin.

Do you want to annoy Corbin? Madi asks me. I like the thought of the idea, sure, I tell her. So this is the plan, me and you can be flirting around in the hallways when we see him, that would really piss him off, Madi tells me. Corbin is friends with Madi, and he doesnt like seeing us together, it seems to be the beginning of his hell.

18
cheating heart?

soon as the bell is ringing, still I always knew she was a fake. The way she treated him with all of those kisses, Im sure she was just using him to have someone accompanying her. And from what Ive heard about her and the fact that Mason is her rebound, makes me want to punch her in the face and grab her by her hair. It all started after sixth period in the hallway upstairs at school. The loud and crazed commotion comes from all parts as students try to get to their classes, and others stand on the sides of the hallway talking to friends. Im the type of person who likes to get to his last class of the day as on time though. I was with Trevor and Madi upstairs walking around the large hallway that goes around the entire second floor of the building. Im always the type of person to be observant and look at everything how it is; I think its easier when you want to check your shadow. Isnt that Beatrice? Trevor asks me as I look up to find that girl holding hands with some other guy. The damn slut. Yeah thats her, I tell him. All of my friends know that I dont like her, and I really have no intention of even pretending to like her. I just dont like those types of girls that hold another guys

hand while they already have someone there for them. My thoughts escape out of my brain through my mouth, WHORE! I yell out loud as everyone looks towards my direction, including the slut. Lets just get him out of here, Madi whispers to Trevor as the both of them pull me out of the hallway and walk me to class. I have to tell Mason, I think to myself, but first I need proof. Why dont you bring your camera tomorrow and take a picture of them to show Mason? Trevor asks me. Thats a perfect idea, I begin to think, it will be the downfall of Beatrice and Mason. I decide to stalk Beatrice for the next few days, see what her next move will be. From what I have learned from looking at her, she is very flirtatious, too flirtatious, it makes me want to throw up. So I brought my camera to school but I dont take the picture, I could never get a clear shot of the whore. But I did get a clear shot of her flirting moves. Hugging the guy for long periods of time and tugging on his backpack like if he were her boyfriend, the girl disgusts me. Im not going to take a picture of the whores flirting game, which would just be too creepy to show Mason, so I

took a picture of your girlfriend flirting with some other guy, here is the shot. I decide to instead just be straightforward and real with him, take him to the movies and chill with him, and then gently drop the bomb.

My dad drops me off at the movies and I run into Mason at the ticket line, smiling and ready to spend some time out of school with him, nervous about what I am going to tell him. We begin to talk, slow talk, and tell each other stuff that has been going on throughout the week.

A week has passed and it is now spring break, movie night with Mason. I have to be real with him, I cant know that I saw something, and then not tell him. Its not fair; he deserves to know the truth. I dress up differently, a little more confidently that the usual outfits I wear. A pair of Pacsun jeans, an Old Navy sweater, and a button up shirt is what I wear to go to the movies with him.

Mason is the first to pay his ticket, me afterwards feeling bad for the cashier because I am paying in ones as the fan blasts in the room and I force my money through the little window. That guy looked so annoyed, Mason tells me and laughs as we walk into the theatre. I felt bad for him, I tell Mason and laugh.

The movie was great I guess, I didnt really enjoy it, I was too nervous about what I was going to tell Mason. Once the movie ends my heart begins to beat faster and faster and each footstep feels heavy. We walk out into the main lobby and I feel like if I am about to collapse. So I was with Beatrice yesterday and I fell down the stairs by accident and it reminded me of you, he tells me. A few months ago in Spanish we had a group project to do about accidents and I was planning on falling down the stairs. At least he remembered me, I think to myself, and at least he brought her into the conversation.

Mason, I need to tell you something, I begin to tell him and swallow. Is everything okay? Whats up? he asks me, noticing I feel like vomiting. Last week at school, I saw Beatrice, and she was holding hands with this guy, I tell him. The bomb has been dropped. We continue to walk out of the theatre towards the doors quietly as he thinks to himself and we sit on the cement fountain. What did this guy look like? Mason asks me. Tall, white, skinny, brown eyes, brunette curly bushy fro, I tell him.

He begins to think once again and opens his mouth to speak, oh, thats TJ; she was probably just messing around with him. Probably? I think to myself and keep my mouth shut. So youre good? I ask him. Yeah Im good, thanks for telling me though.

19
hidden depression

the bottle. The alcohol fills up I have always wanted to do something stupid at school and not get caught. Something everyone can remember me by and somewhat make me a legend. After hearing about a girl named Cheyenne, bringing alcohol to school, I decide to do the same thing. As long as I dont get caught and have fun, Im fine. I just want to get drunk outside of my house with friends, not family or parents. I want to be in an environment where I usually dont drink, where I can be loud and laugh. Once I get home from school I grab a bottle of alcohol and a metallic water bottle and begin to pour the drink into at least a fourth of the bottle, so that my parents wont find out about the missing alcohol. I hide the bottle in my bedroom closet under some clothes I have on the floor and am ready for the interesting day I will have tomorrow. As soon as I wake up the next day I put the bottle in my backpack and grab a pack of gum to hide the smell of the illegal drink. When I arrive at school only Madi knows I have the alcohol, I told her about it the night before. So when are you going to begin to drink it? she asks me. Sometime during second period, I tell her and smile.

English is boring unless you make it fun yourself. My friends Janet and Lily know what I have in the bottle as I begin to drink it and the smell of alcohol spreads as soon as I open the bottle cap. The smell of the alcohol devours the room and spreads all over so I decide to hide the bottle in my backpack. Hey what is that stuff? my friend Tim asks from behind me. Triple Sec, do you want some? I ask him. Sure, I quietly give him the bottle and he takes a quick gulp of the amazing drink. Its strong, he tells me. him.

But its good, I tell

When I walk into Spanish I am completely out of it and look at everyone who enters intensely. Mason! I yell out chewing my gum and laughing. He stares at me and laughs. Mason, guess what I have, I tell him and laugh nonstop. What? he asks me. I pull out the bottle and open the cap and take a quick sip, smell it, I tell him and hold it close to his nose. He laughs at me and I smile and laugh. Thats how the whole period was, mainly the whole day, he laughing nervously as everyone around

me notices my intoxication but dont say anything. I run into Mason after fourth period and he walks me halfway to class noticing the alcohol is still in my system. As I continue to walk to theatre there are some cops next to me and thats when my heart begins to race. The gum hides the smell of the alcohol I have been drinking all day as the cops continue to walk right next to me. I keep trying to walk straight showing how sober I am, and nearly make it into class without getting caught. I dont know why I did this, bring alcohol to school I mean. I guess its because I have never really done anything daring, anything that can get me into too much

trouble. I just wanted to feel that sense of danger that I have never had, sneak away, and not get caught.

I dont want to feel like this anymore. I dont want people looking at me, trying to talk to me. Especially when I dont like them, I want to be myself without being treated like an animal. Like trash. I arrive home and grab the razor I have on my bathroom counter. I want to feel again, Ive been acting like a zombie for the longest time. No feelings, no emotions, just my body living. The blades of the razor leave marks on my skin that burn, and the blood oozes out quickly. Not even ten seconds

and I am burning with pain. At least I feel pain once again, the pain I had lost when Robert lost me. I wanted to feel the pain, the burning, and not simply be a complete opposite of what I once was because of him. I grab some hydrogen peroxide, clean the cuts, and place a Band-Aid over the three new lines. For the next few days I wear a sweater to hide the cuts, even though I cant stand the heat of the Houstonian spring. I take off my Band-Aids and my sweater, let the cuts breathe for once, and hide the cuts with my other arm. The cuts on my arms are because of confusion, because I am tired of people mistreating me, and

because I am just tired of myself.

I want to tell Mason about my scars. I want to show him, because I know that he would understand and support me. Because he knows he is my shoulder to cry on, I just need him there with me. Mason sees my scars in Spanish and looks up to me, has anyone else seen these? he asks me. Only my mom, I told her I fell and scratched myself, I tell him. Dont worry about it, I used to do it too, he tells me. Finally, someone I can talk to about this stuff, I think

to myself. That weekend I decide to send him a message, what do you think of me, and please be completely honest. He tells me that he thinks Im sweet and kind, and he likes me because I dont care what anyone has to say. Well I care now, people just dont seem to respect me even though I try to respect them, so they trash talk me whenever I tell them off, I message him back. Well you have a reason to tell them off, he tells me. I know Im just tired of it. You know that before you met me I lost like fifteen pounds because I was depressed, I wouldnt eat

anything and I wouldnt take care of myself. Dont do that anymore, he tells me, just remember I am always here when you need to talk to me. I know you are, and thats why I always talk to you, you know how to make me smile, and I always wanted a friend like you I tell him. Well Im glad I have you. I begin to cry and message him, Im crying haha, I cant believe I am crying for these bastards. Dont cry, everything will get better soon. I want to know about him now; I want to know about

his scars, about his past, Mason, can I ask you something? Sure. Why did you used to cut yourself? I decide to ask him. Last year I went out with this girl and I broke up with her. Everyone hated me because of it, I had no friends. I was pretty fucked up. I would have been your friend, I tell him and cry even more. I at least now know that he is always there, ready for me to talk to him, ready for me to cry and smile.

I want to forgive. I want to leave whatever happened in the past and just start over. A fresh start, a beginning where I dont have to like you the way I did once, but how I liked you before. Its all about small talk, especially when you are trying to recreate a friendship. Little words, little statements, hey, whats up, how are you. I see Robert that exact same night; I just want all of this to be over. I dont want to be mad or anger and even regret that I lost a good friend because he decided to be an

20
ultimate betrayal

asshole. Hey, I begin to tell him. Small words, I begin to remember.

Hey, I havent talked to you in a long time, and his statement is even longer, I think to myself as he says that. Too much time, I tell him and smile. And a beautiful friendship begins to blossom, it was time to start over. Being angry at him for eight months was a complete waste of time. All that I learned from that experience was to watch your back, and always keep your eyes open.

Scared to open up, scared of himself. Meanwhile, Mason is just a friend; I dont desire anything from him except for the attention I have been receiving because of him. The next day at school I skip theatre class as I usually do and go to B lunch with my friends and sit with them. So you know Robert, Rachel begins to tell me. Robert who? I ask her. The one from scouts, Escamilla, she tells me. Yeah, I begin to

Aside from this Robert, I have decided that I want to be with whom I like to call straight Robert. He likes to say our past was a mistake, but from the look in his eyes I know that he is just scared.

speak, what about him. Well Ive been talking to him, and I like him, Rachel drops the pounds and softly as possible but make me sink down from the inside. Dont

get me wrong, I dont like him, I could never like him, EVER AGAIN, but after everything I dont want them together. Yeah, I think you guys would be great together, I lie to her. Maybe I can learn to accept it, swallow my bitterness, and at least try to be happy for her. After school I decide to text Robert, Hey, its Adrian, I have a question, I send the message and swallow my pride. I ask.

After minutes of aspiration and desire to know he sends me another message, kinda.Fuck. I will never get used to this, I hope they dont go out and can just be flirting friends.

Did you hear about Rachel and Robert? Trevor sends me a quick message on the phone. No, what about them?

They are going out, Im not playing any dirty games with the two of them, I usually get burned anyways. Within the next hour he sends me a text, sure, whats up? Do you like Rachel? he tells me. Fuck them. Fuck him. Fuck her. I can feel my body heating up and the desire of a drink to cool me down at the moment. They have only known each other, have been talking to each

other for a few days, and they begin going out. They are both too desperate for a boyfriend or girlfriend. They dont even know each other. Rachel, she just needs a penis constantly shoved up her vagina to survive one day of her life. She needs to smoke a drag of weed because she is too pathetic to survive by herself. I guess thats why shes so stupid. Robert, he is just too cocky. He thinks he is the most amazing existence of the world. Seriously, shut the fuck up, I think to myself. Oh, Im so hot. Ive had like five girlfriends, how many have you had? Do they like you, or are they desperate whores? I think to myself and laugh.

At school I talk to everyone about whats going on. I mean seriously, who wants to be with a girl that has had sex with who knows how many people and has had two pregnancy scares. No one. She just needs to stop dating guys for like three years, the girl has had like six boyfriends this year, Madi tells me. Shes like an open market for every guy in America. They go in and buy and use anything, and leave her trashed at the end, I tell her and laugh. At the moment, I really dont care if she finds out that Im talking about her or not. Im just too pissed to give a

fuck, maybe later I will apologize. So what are you going to do? my friend Kidd asks me during theatre. Make some confrontations, I tell her and walk into the lunchroom. I see her from the distance, she isnt hard to miss. The loud, obnoxious whore who is yelling for attention instead of speaking quietly like everyone else. Adrian! she spots me and yells from the other side of the cafeteria. I roll my eyes and sit with my other friends that sit at the same table. Is there something wrong? she asks me with worriment.

No, is something supposed to be wrong, I ask her and stare at her intently. After a few seconds look away and eat one of Madis chicken tenders. Rachel quickly walks away, threatened I guess, I dont care. Walk bitch, walk

I hate when people talk shit behind your back instead of saying it to your face, she puts up as her status on her profile. I like how she thinks I dont have the right to talk back after what she did, I think to myself and click the like button on her status. I guess I should apologize; maybe I was too harsh towards her. The next day at school she stares at me

intensely as she walks into the theatre room so that I can apologize. Im sorry about what I told everyone about you, I begin to tell her. Why did you do it? she asks me. I thought I was okay about you and Robert. But I soon realized I wasnt and got pissed when you guys started dating so I started talking crap, I tell her, complete honesty. Its okay, dont worry, Rachel tells me, I broke up with him anyways. In my mind, I am smiling. In person, I give her an Im sorry look. Why did

you break up with him? I ask her. I was never going to see him, and I cant date I am never going to see, the bell rings for B lunch dismissal and Rachel walks out of the room. I begin to laugh, and then they werent together

21
my true secrets
Its time to leave feelings behind, and create new experiences and adventures for myself, I just need to forget. Ive decided to leave Mason behind, not like him anymore. It will be hard for me, but I will still have him there with me as my friend. Im completely fallen for

straight Robert; he just cant seem to escape my mind. Summer is coming up soon, one more week until this traumatic school year ends. Tears have escaped, laughs have been made, and secrets have been confessed. I have grown, I have matured. I have learned who my true friends are, I have made mistakes, and I have left the sadness behind. Doors have closed and doors have opened, and I have learned, secrets cant be kept in a world of all truth. Its much better to be yourself and accept life as it is, make the best of it with cherished moments and memories. You never know when you will slip

off the surface and be a pile of ashes and dust. You cant shed your skin and try to get into your cocoon once you have been freed and or escaped.

True Secrets

The drama in Adrian Santiagos life begins in high school, when the truth comes out from his mouth. Secrets are kept and told, friendships are ruined, relationships start and end, the truth
SECRETS CANT BE KEPT IN A WORLD OF ALL TRUTH

is always tattooed across your

forehead and is never erased.