6 Tips For Toxic Relatives How To Handle Family Problems

6 Tips for Toxic Relatives How to Handle Family...
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6 Tips for Toxic Relatives How to Handle Family Problems

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen | | 17 Comments Share/Bookmark
How Do You Get Along With Toxic Family Members? These tips for toxic relatives will help you cope with relatives you love, but just cant get along with. Whether you need to handle family problems caused by siblings, parents, or other relatives, youll find something helpful here Before the tips, a quip: Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others, wrote Mignon McLaughlin. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back. Theres a dierence between a family quarrel and a toxic relative, though. A toxic relative may keep you out on that limb, unwilling to return and maybe thats the best thing for you! For help with family problems, read Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family. And, here are ve tips for coping with problems with family members
6 Tips for Toxic Relatives How to Handle Family Problems

1. Know when to draw the line. On my How to Cope With Dicult Parents article, many readers describe toxic relatives
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who cause a lot of harm to themselves and their family members. My readers ask the same question over and over: How can I stop my brother/parent/uncle/family member from doing it again? It depends on the situation, of course, but many times the answer is found in letting your relatives face the consequences. If you keep protecting them from natural consequences, theyll keep acting the same way. 2. Figure out what the natural consequences are. If your relative causes physical harm to another person or family member, then a natural consequence is legal action. If your relative always borrows money and never pays it back, then a natural consequence could be ling suit for repayment (provided you and your relative signed a loan agreement). Another natural consequence is not being invited to family dinners or celebrations (if the toxic relative always ruins the get-togethers). Many families try out of love to protect their relatives from the results of their actions. This may appear to be a loving thing to do, but its enabling. It perpetuates the behavior. 3. Learn how to deal with difficult people. Dealing with toxic people can be challenging, but there are many books and resources on how to deflect conflicts and situations. Read about boundaries, take workshops or classes about setting healthy boundaries with difficult people, and consider talking to a family counselor about the best way to handle family problems.
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4. Distance yourself from toxic relatives. Sometimes the best way to handle family problems is to separate yourself physically and emotionally. This may mean moving to a dierent house, state, or country. Or, it may mean not answering the phone until youre mentally and emotionally ready to talk. You dont necessarily need to cut toxic relatives out of your life; rather, you can give them a quick call every 2-3 months or you can send a note instead
of calling. 5. Dont expect your family member to change. Change the things you have control over, such as how often you visit. Even knowing you have control over the littlest things can make a difference! Your toxic relative may never change, but you can empower yourself in dierent ways. For instance, if you have an alcoholic sibling, you can join an Al-Anon support group. Toxic relatives are stressful theres no doubt about it but you can reduce the stress by checking your own attitude and response to them. 6. Expect criticism. Handling problems with family requires setting healthy boundaries. Its easier to set boundaries than to actually stick to them! Learn how to protect your boundaries despite criticism from other people. And remember that your toxic relatives may not think theyre doing anything wrong, and may not see the negative eect they have on you or others. They may think everyone should live and act the way they do. Thats their right, and its your right to live the way you see t. For more tips, read What to Do When Your Mother Problems Keep Getting Worse.
What do you think of these tips for toxic relatives? I welcome your questions and comments below
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Share/Bookmark Related posts: 1. How to Solve Family Problems Solutions for Toxic Relatives 2. Family Problems at Christmas? 6 Ways to Cope With Family Fights 3. Mother-in-Law Problems How to Cope With Toxic In-Laws Category: Emotional Health Tips, Family Tips, Identity & Life Tips, Love & Relationships, Mind & Soul, Parenting Tips, Solving Relationship Problems, Tips for Teens & Children
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Comments (17)
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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says: August 26, 2011 at 10:04 am Im falling behind in answering comments; bear with me! Ill catch up very soon Angel_88, Im glad you can see how your family is treating you, and I hope you can stand up to them. Many of us would just conform to family pressure and demands! It takes strength and courage to handle problems with family especially when they dont let you speak. I wrote this article for you: How to Be You When Your Family Wants You to be Someone Else I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there. Blessings, Laurie
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Jaz says: August 25, 2011 at 5:26 am I have a few family members who are alcoholics but, none of them will admit it! Their father was also an alcoholic and they know that but, because they are all functioning alcoholics they do not think they have a problem. Whenever we have any family gatherings we always have wine or beer because, if we did not supply it they would bring it. It never fails at every gathering at least one of them gets very intoxicated and becomes an obnoxious drunk. I do my best to forgive them and consider where it comes from but,when they made a friend of mine that was meeting my family for the first time uncomfortable that was my final straw. I havent spoke to them about it and I am really not sure if I should? I feel if I let it go they will continue to do these things so, I need some advice as to what I should do?
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casa2012 says: August 12, 2011 at 11:58 am My life is hell!!!!, ever since I brought my mom from overseas to stay with me and my son. She is very demanding,wanted to go to the doctor almost every day,was always asking for stuff,like clothes,shoes,pedicure. And did not want to follow my rules in my own apartment,she felt she has control over me,like I was her slave. the batroom was always nasty. She expecte me to come home to clean and cook after work. I though by bringging her I was gonna have at least some emotional support,but Im leaving in depression since ever she came.
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angel_88 says: July 24, 2011 at 11:09 am i have a huge problem with my family. they never consider that every time the put me down, they keep kicking me around and around. i have no such voice at all and even my right is revoke as well. they tried to make me someone im not.also when i tried to say what im my heart they shut me down and contradict making me feel like nobody.im trapped in hell here. the only thing that make me happy at home is technolgy, my friend, doing something creative, amd something like. but not my some of my family. please help me!
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Gisselle says: June 7, 2011 at 8:21 am I have had problems with my husbands toxic family. My mother in law is extremely dependant on her kids to the point that she has never worked a day in her life and now that she is divorced a second time, expects her kids to support her economically and she is only 55 years old and very healthy. His sister who lives with his mother is still single and is the one with the most economical burden because she has to support her mother and her half brother (son from my mother in laws second marriage) who has a learning dissability and has had to pay for all medical costs, expensive special schools, etc. My sister in law is also toxic since she is always getting into trouble with her relationships with men and is a compulsive buyer and is up to her eyeballs in dept.
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They are in constant problems with one thing or another and every time my husband would go visit them they would fill his head with all of their problems and he would come back home burdened and with a guilt trip because I have tried over the years to convince him that he is not responsible for their actions or decisions. His mother can find a job at anything to help herself out but he has always been afraid of her because she was very violent with him when he was a child. Anyway, he las let me take control over how she and his sister aect us and I decided 3 years ago to cut them out of our lives. We moved much farther away from them and since now I am the bad one they decided to never come to our home which I cant be happier. I never liked the atmosphere or vibes of our home after they would visit us. He can go visit them whenever he wants and help them out if there is a major emergency but even he has learned that his family is disfunctional and toxic and should be kept at a distance and far from our daughter.
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Lady Space says: March 5, 2011 at 8:24 am My mom comes packaged with a variety of attributes. Sometimes she is toxic because of her negativity and desires to be waited on, although she can do for herself. She is overweight, doesnt eat much. She has trouble giving herself a proper bath. When I was a child my stepdad tried to molest me and my sister and when we told my mom she said that she didnt believe us. I thought that I had put this behind me, but I wander if Im still upset with my mom for not intervening. It has made for a strained relationship. I feel like nally I had been able to move past my life as a child. Now my mom is becoming more dependent, wanting a us to become her personal assistant and offering advice that we havent asked for. We love her, but she knows how to bring you down and try to manipulate you. Now I have a chronically ill child who has breathing problems and has a gastrostomy feeding tube. My mom wants to move in with me because she and my older sister argue alot. You cannot use the same bathroom as my mom because she poops on the toilet. She says that she cleans behind herself, but dont have to go to the bathroom in a hurry because you may not get to sit down in comfort. I know my letter is somewhat disorganized, please excuse the disassociations. The other thing is that she has multiple homes, is a really bad hoarder and cant take care of any of the issues for herself. I do have a younger brother who is about 32 years old and he says that hecant help help take care of her because she is his mom and not his dad. He is a medical worker and
7.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says: October 3, 2010 at 6:39 pm Thanks for your comment, Anne2. Though Im sorry youre in a similar position as the rst Anne, Im very glad you shared your story here. If it doesnt help her, I know itll help others. The more tips for toxic relatives we share, the better able well be to handle family problems! Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen recently wroteHow Do I Stop Snoring Sleep Solutions for People Who Snore
8.
Anne2 says: September 29, 2010 at 8:26 pm Annes mother and father sound like mine, I completely empathize. I had to move away and limit my exposure to my Mothers slice and dice moves. In the past few years, similar to what was mentioned above, I leave her presence or end the phone conversation to attempt to curb her selsh, negative, obnoxious, critical, judgemental and controlling behavior. Aging has made her worse and her public displays and rudeness towards others has hit new highs. She sees no wrong with herself, couldnt apologize if her life depended upon it and sorry is an unknown concept. I accept she is what she is and but choose not to dwell in her realities. For years I felt guilty for not loving her like I knew I should but as I age I have learned the variants in the concept of love and have a place for her, just not what maybe anothers denition. Her example serves me as something to not be and teaches me daily to be kind, positive, supportive and helpful to others along with huge gratitude for the good in life. The biggest saving grace, thank you God, I am not like her. Hang in there Anne and I will, too!
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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says: September 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm Dear Jim, An Elderly Parent Whisperer is a very interesting concept, but Ive never heard of one! However, I do know that there are many, many top-notch counselors and psychologists who have experience with elderly seniors who have dementia or a cognitive impairment. I suggest asking your family doctor for a referral to a support system of some kind. Both you and your mother might
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benet from objective, professional support. Youre already headed in the right direction reaching out for help and sharing what youve been through and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need. I just wrote an article called How to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems, which describes six ways to get help. It might give you some new ideas. I wish you all the best and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how youre doing! Laurie Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen recently wroteHow to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems
10.
Jim says: September 2, 2010 at 11:42 am My mother is not toxic but now, having been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, she occasionally has severe bouts of stubbornness that are hard to take. This typically happens when she needs to get up in the morning but absolutely refuses to do so. Shell start to pout and cry like a little girl: its creepy. Ive tried various techniques in this situation and have found that tough-talk or locking horns with her makes her worse. The best technique seems to be totally ignoring her protests and trying to get her to laugh or converse about something totally unrelated to why she needs to get up. This seems to wake her up and get her into a state in which shes more compliant. But its challenging for meespecially when Im trying to get to work on time. But these experiments have made me wonder if there might be a Horse Whisperer sort of technique for dealing with stubborn elderly parents (Elderly Parent Whisperer?). Are you familiar with any book or study that approaches the problem from that angle? Thanks.
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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says: August 21, 2010 at 8:49 am Thanks for your comment, Amy! I really like your idea of placing positive photos and memorabilia around the house its a great tip for toxic relatives. You dont need to talk to spread positive energy Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen recently wroteWhat Are the Best Brain Vitamins 10 Brain Improvement Tips
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Amy Yvonne Thompson says: August 13, 2010 at 1:27 pm This is good advice. Do not wilt under criticism, listen to your convictions and act on them. When someone is negative about everything it is because they choose that way of life. There is no reason under the sun for anyone to just do it for attention for if we continue to aid that type of mantality we are not doing them justice for we know better than to behave that way. Just like a class clown and everyone laughing at what they do, it just encourages it. I found that by telling someone if we are going to be friends I wont stand for a negative attitude, and that is a boundary and a rule that you give them. If they continuously give you negativity then you have a reason to stop being around them. As far as children go, I found that placing positive statement photos and memorabilia around the home helps. That gives them a choice and usually children are very much aware of the positive energy and like it more.
13.
anne says: August 11, 2010 at 10:39 am Mother has always been selsh and getting worse as she is older. She is extremely rude and a real jerk to my father ( I would have divorced her long ago and told him so). She has a bad attitude and when she on the outs with one person or another in the family its never anything she said or did.Our family has been dealing with this for almost 50 years and Im now at the end of my rope and beyond.Dad is out of comision and cant drive for a few more weeks, I was able to take some time o earlier on in the week but back to work and other things that have come up. I have 6 other sibelings whom have been there weekly to take shopping and ect. She ipped last week in a store saying that I havent been there in a month even though I call 2=3 times a weekshe never mentioned she needed to get some errands done,when I said how come she did not call and ask me. I will make the time she said Im not kissing your a%% or anyone elses. She screamed at me like I was nothing. I havent spoken to her but have talked to dad. If he was not around I honestly would never want to talk to her again. She brings everyone in the family down and she is so dam negative about everything. She cant find good in anything and believe me it wears you down..this just knocked the wind right from out of my sail..Im done ..I could write a book and you could not image the crap she has put us threw.. Well, now that said I feel a little better to cont my day.Thanks
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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says: July 3, 2010 at 5:50 am Hi Conversation Arts, Thank you for bringing up the topic of forgiveness.and I, too, find the thought that our relatives are doing the best they can very soothing! Giving people the benet of the doubt can reduce our negative feelings. Laurie
15.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says: July 3, 2010 at 5:47 am Hi Becky, Thanks for your comments it sounds like you have a lot of insight into your brother! I think the more insight we have into toxic people, the easier it is to deal with them. But, insight doesnt take away the pain of family problems. Laurie
16.
Becky says: June 26, 2010 at 9:45 pm Forgiveness doesnt mean pretend what happened is ok. Forgiveness is also not the same thing as reconciliation. The point of forgiveness is to take the power out of how the situation affects you. Its dangerous to think that toxic people are helpless victims. They do what they do because they are getting something out of it. With my brother, its a power and a control thing. Its also about value. My brother values winning more than he does other people. If his behavior wasnt feeding his need to win, hed be doing something else.
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Conversation Arts says: June 8, 2010 at 5:47 pm Ive had some problems in the past with family. I find that for myself I do my best to forgive people for their behaviour but that doesnt mean that I need to do be all loving all the time. And I remind myself that no relative purposely tries to be toxic, they are doing the best they can at that very moment. For me I find that very soothing. But the one thing I have learned is to denitely let go and not blame myself for any of their behaviour or to try to change them. Its best to change myself and my reactions, and thats all I can do.
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6 Tips For Toxic Relatives How To Handle Family Problems

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