BORIS

I have told this story so many times, especially on the last nights of music courses, that Ive almost had enough of it! The time has now come for someone else to learn it and I long for the day when someone tells it to me! It should be embellished ad lib. Once upon a time, a beautiful Hungarian princess called Sarah (use any name you like) lived with her father and a few old family retainers, in a small but cosy little castle, deep in the Hungarian forest. Father was only minor royalty, and he really didnt have very much money or status, so he thought that if he could marry his beautiful daughter to some rich and influential European potentate, he might increase his standing in European social circles and also, maybe, solve his immediate cash-flow crisis. So, after careful consideration, he decided to put an advert in the European edition of The Times, with a nice little picture of the lovely Sarah, asking for suitable suitors for the hand of his beautiful daughter. Sadly, not a lot of people read the European edition of The Times so, in the end, he only received two applications. One was from Percy, the poor, pauper Prince of Prussia and the other one was from Boris, the bad, black-bearded, bastardly Baron of Bulgaria. Being a good father, he thought the best thing to do would be to invite the two gentlemen to stay for a few days at his castle (not at the same time of course, but one after the other) in order to meet them, take them huntin, shootin and fishin and to discuss their prospects, as any good parent would. Having done so, he quite naturally came to the conclusion that because Percy, the poor, pauper Prince of Prussia was very poor, and Boris, the bad, black-bearded, bastardly Baron of Bulgaria was very, very rich, it was only right and fitting that he should marry the beautiful Sarah to Boris, the bad, black-bearded, bastardly Baron of Bulgaria. The next day, he invited his beautiful, dutiful daughter to the throne room and announced his decision: Sarah, my lovely little petal, I have to tell you that I have made up my mind. Ive decided that because Percy, the poor, pauper Prince of Prussia is pathetically poor, whereas Boris, the bad, black-bearded, bastardly Baron of Bulgaria is obscenely and bountifully rich, Im going to marry you to Boris, the bad, blackbearded, bastardly Baron of Bulgaria.

Sarah seemed to take this in good part, as any dutiful daughter would. However, later that night, they discovered that Sarah was missing she had run away! Quickly, they formed search parties and frantically searched the woods around the castle. Eventually they found her, brought her home, calmed her down and put her to bed with a cup of Horlicks. Next morning, as ever the kind and caring parent, father went to her room. He sat on the edge of the bed, took her trembling little hand in his and asked: Sarah, my lovely little petal (this is what he liked to call her), tell me, dearest, when I told you that you were not going to marry Percy, the poor, pauper Prince of Prussia but you were going to marry Boris, the bad, black-bearded, bastardly Baron of Bulgaria, why did you run away? Sarah looked up from the bed, wide-eyed and innocent Well she said, tremulously, Id much prefer to have my pretty pink panties pierced by the proud and pointed penis of Percy, the poor, pauper Prince of Prussia than have my buttocks battered and bruised to buggery by the big black bollocks of Boris, the bad, black-bearded, bastardly Baron of Bulgaria!

Xenophon Kelsey Available from www.xenmus.net