Attack of the Clones Blu-Ray

(Sept 2011)
A disclaimer; I hate this film. It is the only Star Wars film I havent seen at least five times, and it was the first time in my life that Star Wars ever sucked, or that I even conceived of the possibility of Star Wars being able to suck. So I wasnt looking forward to watching this Blu-Ray, but I wanted to see them all, and also see the films in chronological story order, and to achieve those ends meant wasting two hours of my life with a second viewing of this film. The Blu-Ray is notably sharp I cant compare it to the DVD as Ive never seen it but again the detail level is high. There seemed to be a lot of purple in the dark/night scenes, both on Coruscant and with the annoying bug people on Geonosis, but even in extremely low light the detail was crisp and the picture very sharp. This film is notably sharper than Phantom Menace from a visual standpoint. You can still tell Yoda is CGI, but you cant tell any of the Clones are (apparently when they are in armor they always are), and even here you cant tell, as you could on the Phantom Menace blu-ray, when characters are on wholly digital sets. You know theyre standing in a set for the arena, but damned if you can tell (contrast with the scenes on Naboo where Padme and her men are scaling the outside of the palace, which on blu-ray is painfully obviously a set). Theres only three years difference in the filmmaking technology here, but Attack of the Clones is an excellent transfer, sharp, bold, boasting a very pretty picture. Its too bad the movie is so mind-numbingly dumb. Every character in this picture is stupid, and it doesnt help that the dialogue is so unnatural it makes your ears hurt even for a sci-fi movie, this script stands out as being exceptionally wooden. Its not that people dont talk like this characters in movies on the SciFi channel dont talk like this. Yoda and Mace Windu, both otherwise likable characters, and so brain dead here its a wonder they can even speak, and the Anakin-Padme romance is actually painful to watch (the only way I can make it through these scenes is to focus on Portman, on the very cusp of womanhood here, and utterly luminous). In my Phantom Menace blu-ray review, I mentioned that it struck me that Lucas made some poor choices in many instances with that film; that trend continues here, as I found myself asking things like why would a giant bird be able to fly underwater? or why does Gunray hire Jango who hires Zam who uses worms to kill Padme when he commands an army of a zillion droids? or who thought a lightsaber battle between a midget muppet and an octogenarian was a good idea? or waitress robots? Dexter Jettster? Are you kidding me? We see in this film the full maturation of a process that started in Phantom Menace, namely, that no one is even trying to tell Lucas no any more, and so any old crap that flits across his mind gets put onscreen. Death sticks? A snotty old librarian? Playing Duel of the Fates while Anakin tools around the desert all moody? Did no one look at this film and think, we cant release a movie this bad? Or does just slapping the Star Wars name on it guarantee a license to print money?

There are a few good things in this film, although they are largely to do with production design; the clones look really cool, almost all the ships are really neat, and some of the freaky Jedi the bug-eyed dude with the tentacles and the halfnaked blue chick are cool. And again, Portman almost glows, shes so gorgeous. But then you run into stupid crap like bug dudes or a fat guy who runs a diner knowing stuff the Jedi archives dont, and you think, really, bug dudes? Theyre all CGI. You could have made them look like anything you wanted to, and you chose clicky-clicky-fart-talking bug dudes? Or the half robot guy who has to twist his mechanical nipples when he talks? Threepio making bad puns when he gets his head swapped? And so on. The stupidity isnt confined to the script a lot of the action is wincingly bad (anything that happens on Coruscant, most specifically the ridiculous speeder chase), and this was also the first Star Wars film to have an instantly forgettable soundtrack, which hadnt happened for a quarter century (even the non-film Shadows of the Empire has a listenable soundtrack). Phantom Menace is highly listenable and has Duel of the Fates, which is pretty great. This movie has an eh love them and the rest is just background tripe. This movie wasnt very good nine years ago, and unlike wine, aging hasnt made it any better. I felt somewhat conflicted as I watched it because I had good memories attached to this material; then I realized I was remembering the video games spawned from this movie (specifically Battlefront, which kicked a whole lot of ass), which I enjoyed so much more than the piece of crap that generated them. From a plot standpoint the film was even worse than I recalled, and I remember sitting there in my bedroom the day after I saw the movie in a daze, wondering how Lucas could have made anything so atrociously bad. The blu-ray is one amazing looking transfer; but if ever there were a waste of a format for a movie, surely it would be here, because no one should ever be subjected to this awful film, even if it does sparkle and shine in hi-def. You can wrap a turd in gold, but its still a turd. Like this film. September 18, 2011