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The 165 commandments of the Adeptus Astartes

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle. 2. Orks are not "cute." 3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons. 4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand. 5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle. 6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar. 7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador. 8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs. 9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin." 10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans) 11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife. 12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports, as pimp wagons, nor shalt thou use the phrase, If the Rhino be rockin, dont come a knockin 13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag." 14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food. 15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed." 16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings. 17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne. 18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control". 19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino. 20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino. 21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs". 22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo". 23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box. 24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny, does not count as an "enemy casualty".

25. Thou shalt not clog the Lascannon tubes "just to see what happens". 26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a dreadnought. 27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the chaplains hand whilst wearing a powerfist. 28. Putting sand inside the terminators armour is not "funny". 29. Thou shalt not refer to the standard of fortitude as a "walking stick" 30. Thou shalt not refer to the bolt-pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter. 31. The earthshaker cannon is not a "hat stand" nor is the sentinel a "standard lamp". 32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras. 33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the Chaplains armour. 34. Thou shalt not compliment the Dark Eldar by calling them "kinky" 35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver 36. Thou shalt not replace the holy unguents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol 37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke 38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the commanders power armour with laughing gas 39. Thou shalt not train a hormogaunt to be a watchdog 40. Thou shalt not take "old one eye" out of context..."He's in my artificer armour he..he..duh!" 41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippie alter boys" 42. Thou shalt not taunt an Eldar "gee didn't these use to shoot further?" 43. Thou shalt not refer to the golden throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy" 44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint. 45. Thou shalt not throw a warp beast a dog biscuit. 46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a witch/ sisters battle. 47. Thou shalt not ask a warlock what he wears under his robe. 48. Thou shalt not tease an inquisitor with "look sir-heretics!" 49. Thou shalt not play whack-a-mole with those little jawa-wannabe dark angel thingies (tangent). 50. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a plasma gun. 51. Thou shalt not take the rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.

52. Thou shalt not ask the librarian if he has records concerning Uranus. 53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a "novelty toaster" 54. Thou shalt not ask the apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue. 55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a Terminators' suit during battle. 56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling snotlings. 57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the emperor (unless properly addressed to do so) 58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches. 59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as "psychological warfare" nor shalt thou refer to the index astartes as "the book of grudges" 60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the emperor to crap or get off the throne" 61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport. 62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your Primarch" debate. 63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battle cry when wielding a power sword and entering an assault 64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels. 65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the space wolves. 66. Duct-taping a flamer to your boltgun does not count as a combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "master crafted" 67. Thou shalt not punt grots for pleasure. 68. Thou shalt not shout "thongs for the thong god!" in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wish to learn the true meaning of pain. 69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar. 70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the harlequin. 71. Power armour never makes a sister look fat. 72. Thou shalt not laugh maniacally when flaming the non-believers. 73. Thou shalt not use thunder hammers to play croquet. 74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a Ctan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.

75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethren, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incendiary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within His Most Holy showering facilities. 76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons. 77. Thou shalt not ask roughriders if you can pet their ponies. 78. Thou shalt not stray from the adeptus mechanicus' directive towards ornamentation of rhinos; specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice. 79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counterstrike'. 80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the land speeder joyriding. 81. Remember; shining lasguns in the guards eyes is WRONG. 82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a daemon. 83. Thou shall not call the sacred plasma gunners of the imperial guard 'fizz busters'. 84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the chapter master's equipment. 85. Thou shall not use supported war hounds to 'play ball' with imperial guard sentinels. 86. It is NOT cool to feed snotlings copious amounts of narcotics! 87. It is not "funny" to dress up as a bloodletter and jump out in front of the chapter master. 88. Replacing a brother's ammunition with blanks is not "funny" 89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons. 90. Playing naughty movies in your power armours autosenses is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes. 91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities. 92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered dreadnought brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?" 93. Thou shalt not commandeer drop pods to go for pizza. 94. Thou shalt not refer to the emperors champion as "that brown-noser" 95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be Tyranids. 96. Thou shalt not tickle the fallen to press for confession and redemption. 97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking, "Can you hear me now", repetitively in an attempt to drive him insane. 98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".

99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays. 100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret" 101. Thou shalt not do Scooby Doo impersonations when speaking to the Space Wolves. 102. Thou shalt not tell the Salamanders "sorry about the multi-melta thing" 103. Thou shall not ask directions from the wulfen. 104. Thou shall not ask berserkers for an axe. 105. Thou shalt not do doughnuts in a rhino, unless thou wishes to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor, as doughnuts make passengers dizzy 106. Thou shalt not write "Biggest Bitch on the Battlefield" on the side of thy land raider, even if it is true. 107. Thou shalt not take the Rhino out on Saturdays to 'impress the girls'. 108. Tyranids are not cute. 109. Though shalt not use lasguns as laser sights for thy bolters 110. Just because youre fighting Necrons it doesnt mean your standard equipment is a skaven and a tin opener. 111. Thou shalt not throw snowballs at Salamander Space Marines whilst yelling, "THINK FAST!" 112. Thou shalt not ask Ork prisoners "why the red ones go faster" 113. Thou shalt not attempt to drown out noise marines with ye old rave music 114. Never ask a dreadnought "how old are you?" 115. Thou shalt not use the golden throne as a microwave 116. Thou shalt not wear a dress in the presence of the dark angels 117. Thou shalt not wear fake fangs in the presence of the wolves 118. Thou shalt not ask a space wolf if he wants a biscuit 119. Thou shalt not eat another marines paste 120. Thou shalt not trip a dark angel in front of an interrogator chaplain 121. Thou shalt not trip an interrogator-chaplain 122. Thou shalt not fill demolisher shells with lots of flowers. 123. Scouts are not 'target practice'. 124. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's weapon with a plastic sword.

125. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack. 126. Thou shalt NOT refer to the Dreadnought as 'Granddad', nor shalt thou hang a, 'I told you I was sick' sign from it. 127. Thou shalt not play 'peek-a-boo' with the machine spirit. 128. Thou shalt not unscrew your battle brethrens leg plates. 129. It is not funny to play ring toss with Orks tusks. 130. When faced by the inquisition, dont laugh. 131. Necrons are not cans 132. Thou shalt not eat prunes before a battle 133. Thou shalt not refer to the company Techmarine as "Scotty." 134. Thou shalt not challenge the Terminator Company to a game of "Twister." 135. Thou shalt not refer to ripper swarms as... "Cute." 136. Thou shalt not refer to Catachan guard as "tree hugging hippies" 137. Thou shalt not suggest the Eldar "live long and prosper." 138. Thou shalt not tell a space wolf it smells as if something crawled up and died in their mouth. 139. Thou shalt not replace the Space Wolves store of Tuna with cans of puppy chow. 140. Thou shalt not use imperial guardsmen as sticks while playing fetch with a hive tyrant. 141. Thou shall not use flame falcons to toast thy marsh mellows 142. Thou shall not ask an inquisitor's psyber-eagle "does Polly wanna cracker?" 143. Thou shall not ask the Lamenters "are ya feeling lucky punk, well are ya?" 144. Dating the Veteran Sergeant is the exclusive privilege of the Heavy weapon trooper 145. Thou shalt not ask the Eldar females if they are interested in a hand-portable 'Vibro Cannon'... 146. Thou shalt not strut around Imperial Guardsmen bragging about how 'well-equipped' you are. 147. Thou shalt not ask the Thousand Sons if they are that slow on purpose. 148. Thou shalt not taunt the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a Lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion. 149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet."

150. Thou shalt not challenge Karandras the Shadow hunter to an arm-wrestling match 151. Thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "bird droppings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using a mortar to pet them with birdseed. 152. Thou shalt not use the emperor's champion iron halo to play horseshoes in thy free time. 153. Thou shalt not use the chapter standard to dry thy undergarments upon 154. Thou shalt NEVER take the Steve Irwin Approach to Tyranids; if they do not respond to external stimuli, do not attempt to poke it with a stick. 155. Thou shalt not consider it "funny" to replace the smoke canisters in your Chapter's Land Raider's Smoke Launchers with narcotic substances 156. He who takes advantage of the Emperor's paralysis by painting his fingernails will be summarily executed 157. Shoulder Pads are not to be removed for use as ice-cream scoops. 158. Thou shalt not replace our honoured brother Terminator Captain's Storm bolter with a Vulcan Mega bolter, nor shalt thou feign surprise at his inability to lift it. 159. Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite, else thou shalt be forced to clean the inside of his helmet. 160. Thou shalt not replace a Thunderhawk's firebase supplies with bouncy castles. 161. Thou shalt not burn our Captain's robe on a cold night. 162. Thou shalt not replace the Apothecary's Reductor with a syringe. 163. Undoing the straps between a brother and his jump-pack is not funny. 164. Thou shalt not utilize the Techmarine's signum for engaging in long and sexy chitchat with Battle Sisters. 165. Thou shalt never say, "You cant handle the Truth!" to a Dark Angel.

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