Relationship Emergency Kit

Uncommon Wisdom for All Relationships

Dr. Chuck Spezzano 2006

Original edited manuscript

Acknowledgments
To Kim Gordian for typing support. What a team! To Hollie Prior whose editing skills always make the books better. To Michael Ebeling for finding this book a proper home. To Susan Campbell, author of The Couple's Journey, for presenting the original idea of stages in relationship. To Christopher and Jaime Spezzano for your constant inspiration. To Lency Spezzano for your love and partnership along the path of life. What a partner, friend and cocreator! To A Course in Miracles for its guidance.

Table of Contents
Acknowledgments ................................................................................................................................ 2 Table of Contents................................................................................................................................. 2 Introduction......................................................................................................................................... 4 Chapter I Partnering Through the Stages of Relationships .................................................................... 6 Chapter 13 Ask For a Miracle ............................................................................................................ 13 Chapter 3 The Most Frequently Asked Question ................................................................................. 14 Chapter 4 Heal the Fear ................................................................................................................... 16 Chapter 5 Heavens Will For You is Total Happiness ........................................................................... 18 Chapter 6 Getting Rid of Guilt ........................................................................................................... 20 Chapter 7 Undoing Your Problem Through Grace ............................................................................... 24 Chapter 8 Loving Yourself................................................................................................................. 25 Chapter 9 Jealousy........................................................................................................................... 27 Chapter 10 Heartbreak ..................................................................................................................... 32 Chapter 11 Abusive Situations........................................................................................................... 35 Chapter 12 Listening Within .............................................................................................................. 38
Page 2 of 184

Chapter 13 Healing Addictions .......................................................................................................... 39 Chapter 14 The Trap of Specialness .................................................................................................. 45 Chapter 15 The Importance of Goals ................................................................................................. 48 Chapter 16 The End of the Romance and Shadowland........................................................................ 49 Chapter 17 Transcending Power Struggle .......................................................................................... 52 Chapter 18 Forgiveness .................................................................................................................... 58 Chapter 19 Joining Your Partner........................................................................................................ 61 Chapter 20 Emotions ........................................................................................................................ 63 Chapter 21 Hatred............................................................................................................................ 65 Chapter 22 The Need for Change ...................................................................................................... 68 Chapter 23 Any Bad Feeling You Have............................................................................................... 70 Chapter 24 The First Cut is the Deepest ............................................................................................ 74 Chapter 25 Its All Equal ................................................................................................................... 77 Chapter 26 No Bad Guys................................................................................................................... 80 Chapter 27 The Power of Trust ......................................................................................................... 83 Chapter 28 This Problem is a Form of Self-Attack ............................................................................... 85 Chapter 29 How Does This Serve You? .............................................................................................. 88 Chapter 30 Further Explorations of the Subconscious ......................................................................... 90 Chapter 31 Taking Responsibility......................................................................................................101 Chapter 32 Healing Projection..........................................................................................................102 Chapter 33 Affairs ...........................................................................................................................104 Chapter 34 Commitment..................................................................................................................115 Chapter 35 Apology.........................................................................................................................118 Chapter 36 Giving to Your Partner....................................................................................................119 Chapter 37 Abortions, Stillbirths and Miscarriages .............................................................................121 Chapter 38 Dead Zone ....................................................................................................................124 Chapter 39 The Trap of Oedipus ......................................................................................................128 Chapter 40 Your Partner as Your Mirror ............................................................................................132 Chapter 41 Sex, Sexual Abuse and Incest, The Stages of Sex ............................................................134 Chapter 42 Competition...................................................................................................................141 Chapter 43 Appreciation ..................................................................................................................144 Chapter 44 Healing Ancestral Issues.................................................................................................145 Chapter 45 Curtain Call for Healing ..................................................................................................147 Chapter 46 Dark Stories...................................................................................................................149 Chapter 47 I'd Rather Be Happy.......................................................................................................150
Page 3 of 184

Chapter 48 Healing Conspiracies ......................................................................................................153 Chapter 49 The Crossroads..............................................................................................................154 Chapter 50 Healing the Authority Conflict .........................................................................................156 Summary ..........................................................................................................................................158 Glossary ...........................................................................................................................................159

Introduction
Relationship is the central aspect of our lives, and it is inextricably bound up with the goal of living our purpose. Every relationship has a purpose, and the happiness and healing that come from relationships are the key aspects of our life purpose. When our relationships are troubled, we are probably using them to avoid our life purpose. Almost all of us have gone through trouble in relationships at times. Yet, having happy relationships is the best and quickest way to living a fulfilled life.

I began life in a happy enough family that eventually disintegrated, leaving all of us in pain. From there, it was a short step for me into heartbreaking relationships. From that point, I progressed to being dissociated and independent and became the one that everyone sought. I eventually broke out of my dissociated independence to step up to partnership and marriage. Everything I have learnt through these stages I now use to help thousands of people all over the world transform their relationship problems.

A relationship is a continuum. It can be Heaven or it can be hell. For the most part, relationships fall far short of Heaven. But relationships are meant to be a stairway to Heaven and they provide us with an accelerated path to get there. This naturally makes our relationships a spiritual path because of the joy available through love and healing, but it also makes it a prime target of the ego because of its ability to help us evolve quickly.

The question is: Do you want to have a truly happy and successful relationship or do you simply want to pay lip-service to having a happy relationship? I have been a marriage and family counselor. I have conducted trainings in many cultures in over a dozen countries. I have been a relationship coach. I have been happily married for over twenty-one years. I know what it takes to heal relationship problems. I now have the perspective of thirty-five years in the healing field and I am regarded as a relationship expert in some of the countries where I teach. Princess Diana attributed my early book If It Hurts, It Isnt Love with
Page 4 of 184

getting her over her heartbreak with Prince Charles. I know what makes a relationship work and what makes it fail.

Do you want to learn what it takes to have a happy relationship? Are you willing to commit to do whatever it takes to be successful in your relationship? If you really want this, nothing will stop you. Your learning curve will go as fast as you want it to. On the other hand, I have seen a number of people say they want to have a happy relationship but are not willing to learn or change for the better to accomplish this crucial goal. Relationships are central to our lives. Chances are that if you learn the lessons necessary for success, your partner and your relationship will transform for the better.

This course of principles, lessons and exercises offers you principles of the mind, heart and spirit. Learning the principles, being courageous with your emotions and allowing grace to help you are the keys for a quick turn around toward relationship success. Because you chose the Relationship Emergency Kit, you either want to accelerate the healthy growth of your relationship or your relationship is in crisis. This book not only uses emotional and relationship principles, it also employs spiritual principles. At the highest level, love is spiritual. The evolution of our love in relationships brings us ever more joy and natural spirituality. While principles of the mind and heart can have dramatic effects for emergencies, I find principles of spirit to be the most efficient and effective tools in most relationship situations. But all the principles work hand in hand toward the goals of greater love and happiness.

The question is: Do you want your relationship to get better?

This question is simple, but it is not nave. It takes into account what you think you want and what is going on in the most hidden parts of your mind.

If you really do not want your relationship to get better, nothing will ever successfully take your relationship to the next level. If on the other hand your relationship has reached a disastrous stage, but you want it to succeed with all your heart, it will! This is what I have seen, and I hope it is of use to you. The reason I am putting together the Relationship Emergency Kit is that I know it is something that would have saved me much time and pain over the years. I hope it does that for you. I wish you great success and miracles, and all the fulfillment a relationship can bring.

Page 5 of 184

This book is filled with answers and ways for you to completely transform yourself, your partner and your relationship. But it is up to you. Any one chapter could do it. Even just some of the suggestions you will read here could completely transform your relationship.

Our relationships are our greatest treasures. I have written down in this book what I have learned to help you through this trying time. May this wisdom, which is the result of thirty-five years of helping people out of suffering, be of help to you as you go through this trying time. May this and every problem dissolve easily for you.

Chapter I

Partnering Through the Stages of Relationships

In this first chapter, I introduce the idea that relationships go through stages. Once you know that your relationship will go through various ups, downs, ins and outs as it evolves, you will gain the strength and the awareness to Realise that you have the power to work through difficult times and that, beyond them, more good times await you. Also included in this chapter are principles that make you successful in relationships.

Understanding Relationship Stages Love is what will save you. The love you give and the love you receive will sustain you and give your life meaning. When you begin a relationship, it is because you are attracted to that person. They seem to be your missing piece, your hearts desire, your soul mate. The greater the differences and the more opposite you are, the more passion there will be. You have need of them and all they represent. You have fallen in love with them, and have entered the Romance Stage. This is a great and happy time in your relationship! You can see the potential of the relationship. It is a taste of Heaven on earth. You are energized for the stages that are to come.

In the second stage of the relationship, the Power Struggle Stage, all of the differences that contributed to the attraction between you become the issues of your fight. When you were a child, you disowned many parts of yourself. Then, when you met your partner, they seemed to embody all that you had lost they were the part that completed you somehow. As the relationship goes on and your partner does not
Page 6 of 184

seem to be as forthcoming in supplying your need, you begin to take from them. You can do this emotionally, sexually, monetarily and in many other areas, although often you will not be aware that you are doing this. Your partner naturally resists giving what they so freely gave before. This leads to neediness, demands from the dependent one and the need to be in charge for the one who is independent and controls the relationship. In some relationships, after the initial honeymoon in the Romance Stage, you begin to project your shadows onto your partner, so that, instead of being your dreamboat, they become your nightmare. This means that how your partner acts and appears to you is not just about them but about you, too. This will give you the power to change your mind and help your partner. This path of healing will reap honeymoon after honeymoon.

The purpose of this book is to show you how to use relationships as a path of healing and happiness. The further you go in relationships, the more lessons you learn. In the Power Struggle Stage, your lessons in relationship include building a bridge to your partner, integrating your personal differences and healing the conflicts inside both of you by healing your split-minds. Your split-minds create conflicts within you and between you. As these are healed, a new way emerges that is the best of both of your ways. This resolution allows you to take the next step in relationship that you were afraid of. This is the stage where you learn to handle your needs maturely, honouring your differences while enjoying more wholeness and bonding. With every step forward you become a better partner, and sooner or later this becomes irresistible to your partner.

Here you learn two of the most vital lessons of relationships: how to get past independence-dependence and, secondly, that what you give is what will fulfil your needs. If you are fighting, you are not giving; you will be defensive and righteous and so you will not appreciate what is given to you. If you are not giving, you will dissociate, attack or demand - all of which work against you experiencing fulfilment and success in the relationship.

If you have had a short Power Struggle Stage, because you have a more compatible relationship, you will spend longer in the Dead Zone Stage. This is the stage in which you heal all the defences, roles and relationship-family issues that have stopped your ability for authentic joining. While most of these issues are subconscious, there are always conscious healing tools that can be used to help you leap you forward.

When you get past your Dead Zone Stage, you reach the Partnership Stage. This is a wonderful stage, though in every stage, you review previous stages at deeper levels and enjoy honeymoons as you
Page 7 of 184

succeed. There is a new sense of ease and intimacy and a feeling of being carefree. You enjoy success within and outside your relationship. After a season of enjoying a golden summer, you will begin to delve into unconscious issues. These core aspects of your ego that separate you from love and greater success are now brought into the relationship for transformation. You will heal the self-consciousness, shame and self-torture of the ego that keeps you separate from your partner and others. If you pass this stage, you, your partner and the relationship itself will reach the Leadership or Vision - Stage, and you will inspire others with your relationship. In the Vision Stage of relationship you heal your soul-level fears and finally the great splits in your mind. You live a creative life and experience the partnership of vision. In the Vision Stage, you Realise your individual purpose (what you are here to accomplish in your life) and the greater purpose for your relationship. This opens a gateway of transcendence that initiates you to higher levels of consciousness as you regain a more integrated and original mind. In this way, your relationship develops genius and high levels of creativity and giftedness. Your love bears fruit for your beloved and the whole earth. Your relationship becomes a doorway for others to step through into a golden future.

If you reach the Mastery Stage, because you both have healed that much unconscious failure, valuelessness and self-hatred, you have given up all attack, and so you extend an even greater influence of peace around you. You and your relationship bring grace and miracles. You, your partner and your relationship have become a living treasure on the earth, you have embraced your destinies as spirit. As you become even more harmless, you know that you and everyone deserve every good thing as children of God. Some people achieve mastery on their own and it is much more rare to achieve this stage as a couple.

Relationship Steps What people most often seem to underestimate is the amount of steps it takes to get to the Partnership Stage from the Romance Stage. After every breakthrough you share there is a new honeymoon, which helps you remember the original romance when you were so deeply in love with your partner. As you progress in consciousness, change accelerates, and the time between honeymoons becomes shorter. Do not be surprised when, after a magnificent joining or romantic night, the next issue has already surfaced by morning. In the Dead Zone your honeymoon period may last only minutes before the next dark emotion or deadness comes up for healing. So when romantic feelings come as the result of a breakthrough, take advantage of it! Soon you will be dealing with the next issue.

Page 8 of 184

If you are in a passionate relationship, there may be thousands of steps in your Power Struggle Stage and then only another thousand or so steps through the Dead Zone to get to the Partnership Stage. In a compatible relationship, you have a relatively short distance to go in Power Struggle and a much greater distance to go in the Dead Zone Stage.

Although they take a present guise, the problems that come up in your relationship were with you long before you met your partner. Without your partner, you would never have had the courage to address many of these problems. You can use the love in your relationship to surmount each of these problems, and each problem offers another opportunity for greater bonding.

The Relationship Orbit You and your partner are on an elliptical orbit around the place in your relationship where you join your partner. At the outer end of the ellipse it is easy enough to become disinterested and break up. But if you are doing anything right at all, the orbit will eventually turn you back toward your partner for a new, more prolonged romance period until the ellipse swings you out again. Whenever you are returned to your partner you will enjoy a honeymoon. Over time, unless you get caught in a trap, your orbits will get smaller and shorter. A fight that you persist in will result in a downward spiral of even bigger power plays that can end the relationship. No one wins in these situations, though one of you dominates. Either of you could have the right-mindedness to act in a true, courageous and generous manner, raise the level of consciousness, end the fight and bring on a new honeymoon.

Relationship Principles Here are some principles that help build partnership, which my wife and I have discovered over the years in our work as marriage counselors, coaches and trainers.

1. No matter what, the only true direction for you to take is toward your partner. Keep heading toward them, especially when there is a problem. Problems will not withstand a new level of intimacy.

Page 9 of 184

2. Make your relationship your first priority. When you put your relationship first, every step you take toward your partner will give you a new step forward in success. Your relationship, if you have gone beyond competition, will build your career.

3. Never do anything that would hurt your partner. Also, never do or say anything that you would not do or say if your partner were in the room. This helps you maintain your relationship and your integrity.

4. There are many opportunities to build your relationship. Since a relationship problem is at the root of all other problems, every time you build your relationship, you build your career and your life. Every little indulgence, whether it is in food, drink, drugs, fantasy, pornography, affairs, overwork, emotions, complaints or attack, is a lost opportunity to build your relationship. The size of the indulgence is the size of the step forward to a new level of relatedness you could enjoy instead. Your ego wants to distract and delay you because at each new level of intimacy, there is more love and less ego.

5. When your partner is in trouble, help them. If you can do something specific to help, that is great, but the most important thing is to love and support them. They have to heal themselves, but your love can make all the difference, because any problem is simply a lack of self-love. Your love can supply what is missing and reignite their own self-love.

6. Take responsibility for your emotions and your experience. If you dont, you will blame, complain, attack and be victimised, which are all expressions of your side of the power struggle. This always comes from a position of weakness. You could choose power and responsibility instead.

There are three major reasons for weakness. The first is that you believe you are weak. You could simply stop investing in beliefs about your weakness and invest in what you want to believe about yourself instead. The second is that you want to be weak because weakness is an ego strategy to get needs met, hide, have things your way or get revenge. The third is that you have made weakness into a false god. An idol is something you mistakenly think will save you or make you happy, so you give your allegiance to it. You could let go of your idols of weakness and all of your mistaken ego strategies and investments so that you can have what would really make you happy.
Page 10 of 184

An idol is a deep unconscious pattern used as part of our fight with God, but an Idol of Weakness could never make us happy.

The extent to which you do not take the responsibility for your experience, is the extent to which you are not acting in a mature fashion. If you lack maturity, you put a heavy burden on your relationship and make the relationship all about you. The level of your emotional indulgence is typically equal to the level of your partners dissociation. I have found that emotional indulgence is one of the big temptations that women face, just as dissociation is one of the big temptations for men. If a woman gives up her indulgence and weakness, she will take her place as the natural director of the relationship, and the relationship and both partners will grow and prosper as a result.

Taking responsibility for your emotions is a giant step. Whenever you feel bad, you experience a tendency to lash out at those around you and blame them for your experience. If you do not take responsibility for yourself, you cannot love yourself, and you cannot make yourself happy. However, you will expect your partner to love you, and your demands will become taxing as a result.

Once you take responsibility for yourself and your emotions, the next step in maturity and empowerment is to take responsibility for your partners emotions. Your partner is expressing feelings that you have buried in your subconscious, and if you do not help them through their pain, eventually you will have to undergo those same emotions. You can experience your emotions without using them as a weapon or as emotional blackmail. If you use them to control - whether through hurt, guilt or anger - you may manipulate and win battles, but you will definitely lose the war.

Because you do not feel worthy of anything you get through manipulation or control, you have to keep trying over and over again to get more and have your partner prove you are loveable. This can be quite destructive to a relationship, since your indulgent attempts to take push your partner away. Now is the time to commit to yourself and to emotional maturity. Your willingness to be responsible can make all the difference in your relationship, and it naturally invites your partner to do the same.
Page 11 of 184

When you get in touch with emotional pain, simply feel it. You can even exaggerate it, in order to move through it more quickly, while still behaving maturely. When you get courageous about feeling your emotions, you will, to the same extent, get courageous about feeling joy. And as a result, you will open your heart, value your feminine side, be able to receive more, balance your masculine and feminine energies, be equal with your partner and bring your relationship to the Partnership Stage.

7. Commit to equality with your partner. It balances your relationship and increases the love between you. Fights and deadness in a relationship are a result of inequality. Your commitment to equality will balance your relationship, and it has the power of your first commitment to move you forward.

8. Do not personalise what your partner is doing or going through. It is not about you. Even if they seem to be attacking you, the pattern was established long before they met you. They are not necessarily abandoning you, rejecting you, breaking your heart or attempting to subjugate you. That is your interpretation of their motivation, which speaks more about your mind than theirs. If you personalise it, you will suffer all that much more and miss the call for help they are making through their behaviour. If you hear their call for help, it will allow you to concentrate on helping your partner, which will transform the problem while still dealing with whatever pain from the past it triggered off in you.

These are just some of the key principles I have discovered for building a successful relationship. Many more will be presented in the upcoming chapters.

Key Insights: Relationships go through 6 major stages: Romance Power Struggle Dead Zone Partnership Vision
Page 12 of 184

Mastery

Each stage contains hundreds of steps. Every breakthrough is followed by a honeymoon stage. Your relationship is on an orbit be patient and wait for it to turn round. By using the 8 key principles in this chapter you will be able to help your relationship to evolve more quickly and easily.

Chapter 2

Ask For a Miracle

This is a simple but powerful chapter on easy change in a relationship and what is necessary to clear the way for a miracle.

Want a miracle with all your heart This is an easy principle. You simply ask for a miracle. It does not matter whether you have any spiritual beliefs or not. You simply ask for a miracle. Ask for a miracle every time you feel inclined to worry. Instead of feeling frightened, guilty or hurt, ask for a miracle. When you go to bed, ask for a miracle. When you wake up, ask for a miracle. When something reminds you of your partner or your relationship, ask for a miracle. When you want to think of your problem, ask for a miracle instead. Want a miracle with all your heart.

Clearing the way for miracles: letting go of your grievances Sometimes, before a miracle occurs, you need to let go of your grievances to purify your mind. If you let go of your grievances, you could not feel hurt, angry or victimised in any way. Do you want your grievances or do you want a miracle? As you continue to choose miracles, your grievances will begin to fall away. You can ask Heaven or your own higher mind to help in the letting go of your grievances. The deeper these grievances are embedded in judgment and your own hidden guilt, the longer it will take you to let go of them. Do you want miracles or grievances? Your relationship depends on the answer to this question. What is it you really want? If you keep choosing grievances, you just want to be right and you would rather keep complaining than have a solution. This righteousness again hides and compensates for guilt. It hides how frightened you are of change. Grievances and guilt anchor you to the place you are stuck. Wouldnt you rather have a miracle instead? If you are right, you remain stuck in the problem. Be
Page 13 of 184

willing to be wrong and learn once again. You may think you know all the facts, but pain speaks of misperception.

Choose miracles So you have a choice. Do you want the miracle or the grievance? One path leads to love; the other leads to pain and problems.

For your sake and the sake of everyone involved in your relationship, ask for a miracle. Ask unceasingly. Ask as if your relationship depended on it.

Key Insight: To have miracles in your life, let go of your grievances, choose miracles and ask for them, knowing that you deserve them.

Chapter 3

The Most Frequently Asked Question

This chapter addresses the age-old question: when do you leave a relationship and when do you recommit to go forward?

The most frequently asked question I have heard around the world is this: When is it time to call it quits? When is the relationship over?

Its in your hands The answer is that the relationship is over when you say its over. This can be different for everyone. Even if your relationship ends, your ex-partner will remain on your network of energy. They will still be on the same team with you even if you never see them again. You are connected karmically.

Page 14 of 184

So, if you are in the middle of a relationship emergency and considering whether to end the relationship or not, I suggest you read through and give yourself to this book before you make your decision. As you progress through each chapter, the truth will become clearer to you. Then, you can make a more informed choice. You have probably already invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship. There may be children. If you can save your investment in this relationship in a healthy way, it is a good idea to do so. But no matter what you decide, it is time to make the necessary changes.

There is no need for any relationship to end in a fight In my experience, some relationships are meant to go a lifetime and others are not. People usually last in a relationship until they cannot go on any longer. They do the best they can with what they know, given inner and outer pressures. Yet, in my experience, almost all relationships could have gone further had either of the partners known some key healing principles about relationships. Even if a relationship is not meant to go on forever, it can end on a happy note with feelings of friendship. Unfinished business is carried on to your next relationship. Everything you heal is one less lesson you need to deal with in your next relationship.

In an abusive situation, you must either heal it immediately or it is neither wise nor helpful for you to stay in that relationship.

Should I stay or should I go? To find your answer to this question, commit to the truth. Ask for a Heaven-sent sign that is so clear that it is easily understandable for you as to whether it is best to stay or go. Ask for the courage to go forward, to the place where the answer is. Want the answer and the peace that goes with it with all your heart.

If you are in a desperate situation, I suggest you pick out five numbers between four and fifty. Read these chapters in the book, first, in the order in which they pop into your mind. Then come back and begin on Chapter Four and systematically go through the book. Even if a chapter does not seem to relate to you, it will contain principles and exercise that can be of benefit. These principles have helped tens of thousands of people around the world in their relationships. Let them help you.

Page 15 of 184

There is a better way if you really want it. Heaven wants you to be happy, and you in your conscious mind and in your heart of hearts want to be happy. Now let yourself be shown the way. Give your whole heart to listening within to your guidance. Somehow, this situation is a lesson you are called to learn. Be a willing learner. Blessed change will take place as a result. Give up all blame as this only stops you learning the lesson and prevents you from making the change you are called to make within yourself.

Key Insights: When you are deciding whether or not to stay in your relationship: Its your call trust that the answers and wisdom to know the truth are inside you. No relationship needs to end in a fight if you are willing to heal your differences, you can part peacefully and remain friends. Commit to the truth at every stage. Know that there is a better way if you really want to find it.

Chapter 4

Heal the Fear

This chapter explores how fear is at the root of all of your problems and presents different ways to heal your fear.

What are you afraid of? Every problem hides fear. It is one of the root causes of all problems. Naturally, a lot of your fear is dissociated because you could not stand to deal with it all at once. Whatever your fear is, it always has an object. So what is it you are afraid of?

You can guess or intuit the answer, which is always the best and easiest way or you can dwell on this question until you find both the answer and the fear that you have distanced yourself from. Only when you find the fear can you let it go. Once you do this, simply let it go as a misperception. What I have discovered is that all dark emotion is a misperception. That is why healing can happen because what is misperceived can be seen in a true way. A common acronym for FEAR is: F False
Page 16 of 184

E Evidence A Appearing R - Real

There are many ways to heal your fear, which, like all negative emotions, is a misperception. When your misperception evolves to higher perception, you will be free of the fear, the root of all negative emotion. You will know when this occurs because the problem will dissolve.

Getting through your fear Here are a few ways to dissipate fear. 1. Forgive everyone involved, including yourself. Forgive the situation, also. 2. Love is the opposite of fear. Use love to melt away the fear. 3. Bless instead of judge. Bless everyone and the situation. 4. Be willing to learn and willing to change. Willingness heals fear. 5. At the root of your fear, there is a fear of loss. This speaks of an attachment, which is always a key cause of any pain. Let go of the attachment. 6. Feel the fear until it melts away. You may go through a series of negative emotions. But if you exaggerate them as you experience them, you will move through them more quickly and reach positive feelings and peace. 7. Put your future in Heavens hands. 8. Remember and feel all the love that anyone has ever had for you. Apply it to your fear. 9. Remember who walks beside you, as you proceed forward. Invisible help is always present. 10. You can only experience fear when you are trying to live in the future. This perception of a fearful future is fed by what was painful from the past. You cannot feel fear in the present moment. It occurs only when you anticipate the future negatively. Let go of the past and your negative fantasy of the future. Come back to the present. Experience only the here and now. 11. Centre yourself. Ask your higher mind to carry you back to that centre of peace within you. When this has been done for you, ask to be carried back to a higher and deeper centre. Repeat this twelve more times. At each centre, relax and look at how the situation appears as you reach everdeeper stages of peace.
Page 17 of 184

12. Take the next step. As you accept and open yourself to it, it comes to you. The next step is always better. All you need to do is be willing to move forward. 13. Give over layer after layer of your fear to Heaven until you are at peace.

Each of these exercises is tried and true and has brought positive results for many people. There are other aspects of fear that will certainly be present in any problematic situation, such as fear of the next step, fear of intimacy and fear of success. There may be fear of experiencing certain emotions and most certainly a fear of change, a fear of yourself, your partner and your purpose. There may be a fear of sex, a fear of surrender and a fear of receiving. Finally, there are probably fears of freedom, meltdown, having it all and of God.

Practice healing each of these fears using the methods outlined above. When you feel peaceful and free, you know that you have completed the exercise with that particular fear. When you have the confidence, the present problem will be resolved and your next step will be come clear.

Key Insights: Every problem you have has fear at its root. There are ways through your fear revisit the 13 suggestions in this chapter whenever you feel afraid.

Chapter 5

Heavens Will For You is Total Happiness

This chapter explores one of the easy ways to get through what is currently holding you back. It simply asks you to accept Heavens Will for you.

Heavens Will for you is total happiness. What proceeds from Perfect Love can only be love. Heaven does not want to test you or ask you to sacrifice. Anything like that must have been your own mistaken idea, a decision that led to a karmic pattern. The good news is that Heaven does not believe in karma. The bad news is that you do. Karma is an ancient Sanskrit word that means action. One aspect of your present
Page 18 of 184

situation is karmic, which means you are caught in an old pattern. The continued good news is that you can heal, transform or transcend karma no matter how old it is or how deep the root is. You can learn the lesson instantly. You can atone immediately simply by getting over the illusion or painful pattern that was set in motion earlier in your life, your ancestral family or your soul. You can atone by simply joining your partner at a whole new level, ending the separation that began the pattern.

Heavens Will for you is perfect happiness, but your ego has had other ideas. Whenever there is a relationship problem, your ego and that of your partner is involved in a collusion to set up the problem situation. This always reflects a fear of the next step, intimacy and success. In the collusion, you decide who can best act out the victimizer or victim positions. You naturally hide all of this away in your subconscious mind.

Which way do you want to go? Given what you have been going through, do you want to continue to go the path that your ego has set up for you on or do you want Heavens plan?

Pssssstt! Go Heavens Way. Its the path of your own higher mind, and its a path of success and happiness. Wholeheartedly, choose Heavens Will. But be careful. Your ego is slick, and its fighting for its life. It will have hidden agendas and dissociated parts of you going in other directions. Yet, as you keep embracing Heavens Will and your own true will for yourself, these parts melt away because they are simply not the truth. They are just part of the painful illusions that have locked this situation in place. Now is the time to unlock and unfold the situation with Heavens help.

Heavens Will for you is perfect love. Want Heavens Plan with your whole heart. Whatever you do with your whole heart creates. So embrace Heavens Will and your own true will for yourself so that this issue will dissolve, and your relationship will progress forward to a new level of joy.

You deserve ease and all good things. This includes love and a happy relationship. A happy relationship is an elementary step toward Heaven.

Key Insights:
Page 19 of 184

Heavens Will for you is total happiness. Problems and unhappiness in your relationship are created by you because you are afraid of the next step. You have a choice about which direction to take: you can choose Heavens way. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled and loved.

Chapter 6

Getting Rid of Guilt

This chapter explores guilt and how it is at the root of all of our problems. It examines the nature of guilt as an illusion to keep our ego strong and hide our fear of love, intimacy and the next step. It presents a number of ways to heal guilt, such as the power of choice, going back to the root of the problem that caused the misunderstanding that led to guilt, including incidents from childhood, ancestral or past lives (the mythical, metaphorical stories of the ego).

Guilt is at the root of every problem There is no problem that is not built on guilt. Every problem, relationship problems included, is an attempt to punish ourselves for our guilt. Guilt could be said to be one of the most destructive concepts there is. Without the illusion of guilt, there would be no form of self-punishment and, therefore, no problems. The ego relies on guilt. The ego wants us to remain separate, and theres nothing like a good dose of guilt to build walls between us and others.

Guilt is the cause of self-attack, self-destructiveness, unworthiness, valuelessness, failure and sacrifice. Sacrifice is an attempt to compensate for the guilt, though this never suffices to expiate the guilt. It is guilt that is ruining your relationship and causing you problems.

Guilt stops love Do you Realise that when you have guilt, you cannot help but pass it on to those you love, especially if you have children? Your self-attack keeps you from giving them all the love that they deserve.

Page 20 of 184

Without the contact that guilt blocks relationships either get old, boring and stale or they go into high drama. This is a breeding ground for trouble, and you are paying the price for it now.

As a child I had so much guilt, I went to the Olympics and got a gold medal in that event. When I finally dug my way out of that particular hole and cleared up my lack of self-worth that my guilt had produced, I really discovered the untruth of guilt. This was the beginning of a whole new way of life for me, especially in relationships. I could finally let love in. I could finally allow myself to feel loved. I could then speak with authority about the destructive illusion of guilt. I have helped people through the terrible guilt for having committed heinous acts toward other human beings. Their guilt was driving them either to become selfdestructive or to do something equally bad or even worse to others in a foolish and deluded attempt to bury the guilt.

How are you punishing yourself? Guilt does not work. It blocks love and hides the fear that it is built to protect, making the fear harder to find and heal. Guilt becomes a cruel master if you give it any power in your life. You cannot have guilt without punishing yourself. Guilt is its own vicious circle and sends you spiralling downwards towards the destruction of everything you hold dear. When you punish yourself, you feel momentarily free and appeased and then a darker layer of guilt, sometimes hidden by anger, comes up as a result of the worse feeling. It is a never-ending cycle.

From my earliest days in counselling, I helped people through guilt by helping them correct the misunderstanding they had that led to the guilt. In the thirty plus years since then, I have learned many other ways to help people through their illusions of guilt. But if you are reading this now, you could simply Realise the folly of guilt and let it go.

EXERCISE: The way through: forgive yourself and let go of your guilt Ask yourself and make a list of what is it you are feeling guilty about?

Page 21 of 184

For your sake and the sake of those you love, can you forgive yourself for this mistake? You can correct mistakes, but guilt breeds more guilt, self-punishment and separation. Do you want to teach guilt? You will never be free of problems, self-judgment or the judgment of others until you get rid of your guilt.

You can ask yourself: If you were to know if this guilt came before, during or after your birth, it was probably

If you were to know who it involved, it was you and

If you were to know what was going on, it was probably something like

If what came to you was that the guilt began before your birth, ask yourself if it began in the womb or before that. If it began before that, ask if it was passed down ancestrally or if it was an other lifetime (if you do not believe in other lifetimes, treat this as a metaphor.)

If it was guilt that began in the womb or since your conception, Realise that any negative emotion you got from being part of that situation was shared by everyone in that scene. As a matter of fact, it was passed on to you by them. One way to free everyone is to Realise that you brought in a soul-level gift to free those in that situation from the guilt and the pain. If you were to know what that gift is, it is probably

If you are willing, open up and receive that gift now. Fill yourself up with it. Then share this gift energetically with everyone in the scene. If it resolves completely, you are free; in the rare case it does not, then there is yet another gift to accept and share.

If the guilt was passed down ancestrally, then you also would have brought a soul-level gift in to free your family and your ancestors. Simply open up to and receive the gift, then pass it back through both your mothers and fathers side of the family until there is only peace passing down through the family.

If the guilt occurred as a soul story, then ask yourself the following set of questions:

Page 22 of 184

If you were to know what country you were living in in your story, it was probably

If you were a man or a woman in your story, you were probably

What must have occurred for you to carry such guilt all the way down until the present moment

What lesson was your soul was attempting to learn by having that experience

Finally, ask yourself what soul-level gift you had brought into that story to help everyone

See yourself as a little child back there in that story embracing that gift, then sharing it with everyone and everything from that point on in that life. Then bring the feeling of that healed story all the way up until the present moment and your conscious mind.

Guilt destroys relationships by blocking the bonding. It leads to attack, self-attack, grievances, judgment, unworthiness, withdrawal, sacrifice and other roles, shadow figures. All of these aspects build up selfhatred and generate negative experiences and other painful emotions.

If we let go of our guilt, we allow love and innocence to take its place.

Key Insights: Guilt forms the basis of all your problems you create problems as a way of punishing yourself. Guilt blocks love because you attack yourself as well as your partner instead of loving them. Becoming aware of how you are punishing yourself is key to moving through your guilt. Forgive yourself every day for what you think you did. Use the awareness you gained from the exercises in this chapter to go beyond your guilt and embrace the truth about yourself that you are perfect, innocent and worthy of great love and happiness.

Page 23 of 184

Chapter 7

Undoing Your Problem Through Grace

In this chapter I present another spiritual solution to all your relationship problems.

Making way for grace Heavens love shows up for us in the form of grace, the substance of all good things. The quickest way to turn any emergency into emergence is to get out of the way and let grace handle it. Even if you are an expert on relationships, grace always offers a better way. Grace looks for an opening to come to your aid. Today, open the door to grace. Let it flood you, your partner and anyone else who is part of the problem.

EXERCISE: Opening yourself to receive grace It can be helpful to sit and allow yourself the experience of grace filling you and then flowing from you to your partner, everyone else and the situation itself. Simply let the energy of grace unfold the situation where it has been stuck. Watch grace effect the melting away of the problem.

Today, be filled with grace and let it pass through you so that everyone is filled with grace, but do not let this be the last day you do this exercise. Do it every day until the situation has unfolded to a happy solution. Every time you think of your partner and the situation, let grace flow to you and through you. Let yourself and everyone around you be blessed today by your willingness to receive grace.

Key Insights: Grace is the easy way through all your relationship problems. Get out of your own way let Grace do the hard work for you.

Page 24 of 184

Chapter 8

Loving Yourself
This chapter is based on the principle that every relationship reflects our relationship to ourselves. It presents a method of healing your relationship through self-love.

EXERCISE: Exploring self-love Look at the present problem in your relationship. Ask yourself honestly: What does this show me about my relationship to myself? Do I really love myself?

You cannot love yourself and be sick. You cannot love yourself and have any kind of serious conflict.

Ask yourself a few questions and see what pops into your mind.

What would it take for you to love yourself?

On the scale of one hundred percent, what percentage would you say you love yourself? The number you get explains your problem. If you have a significant problem and score above seventy-five percent, you are in denial. Denial leads to rude awakenings. Your present problem could be such a wake-up call. It is certainly an opportunity to heal whatever pattern is prevalent so that it does not get any bigger.

Now, ask yourself: How old were you when you stopped loving yourself? When in your life did you stop loving yourself?

What percentage of you not loving myself does this incident cover?

If you were to know who was involved when you stopped loving yourself, it was probably

Page 25 of 184

If you were to know what occurred that you stopped loving yourself, it was probably

Recognise that if you stopped loving yourself this much because of that incident, everyone there had this same amount of lack of self-love. Whatever happened back there, it was no reason to stop loving yourself. When you stopped loving yourself, what could have been a single learning situation became a negative pattern that is still having an effect on you right now.

Go back to that situation. Ask yourself what purpose it served you to stop loving yourself. You would never have stopped loving yourself if there was not some purpose in doing it. You are a purposeful creature and everything you do or have had done to you serves a purpose for you. The darker the event, the more it was meant to serve a certain purpose for you, though you probably hid that from yourself at the time. Now, ask yourself what purpose not loving yourself could serve for you.

Once you know the answer to this question, consider whether this was a good reason to stop loving yourself. Knowing what you know now, how would you do it differently?

If you choose to bring back the amount of self-love you lost, you could now share it with everyone back there. So that instead of catching their self-attack, you could redeem them with the gift of self-love.

You may need to do this exercise a few times, concentrating on different times in your life to regain all the love you lost.

After this exercise is complete, close your eyes and surround yourself with everyone who has ever loved and believed in you: family, friends, lovers, teachers, coaches, people you worked with, et cetera. See them surrounding you. Now see any of your friends from spirit also surrounding you. See and feel all of them pouring their love into you. Receive it. Feel it. Enjoy it. Let it raise the level of your self-love. As your self-love increases, share it with your partner.

Key Insights: Your relationships with others reflect your relationship to yourself.

Page 26 of 184

Use the awareness you have gained from the exercises to build your relationship with yourself and increase your self-love. Remember to share your new level of love with your partner.

Chapter 9

Jealousy
This chapter explores the nature of jealousy and offers ways to heal this painful emotion.

Taking responsibility for your jealousy Jealousy is an emotion that torments. You are not jealous because of what your partner is doing; you are jealous because of how you have interpreted what your partner is doing. If you believe they are betraying you or deserting you, you will react as if they are doing so. Jealousy stems from your insecurity, and you will see all events through this filter. Our insecurity also sets up situations of betrayal. Jealousy comes from unmet needs from the past including loss, hurt, revenge, unworthiness and the most hidden aspect of all, fickleness. This may be hard to believe but the amount of jealousy you have is equal to how fickle you are yourself. This is hidden away under the pain of jealousy. Most people listen to their ego strategy at this point, and often a broken heart is the result. Or they become independent, so they dissociate their feelings and do not care how their partner acts. When you have dissociated your jealousy, your partner will act it out for you becoming the jealous one. You can tell how much jealousy is really inside you if you add up how much jealousy you and your partner have together.

Jealousy points to where there is a situation that you have misinterpreted or made potentially heartbreaking. Your own higher mind is attempting to heal that which is blocking your ability to partner. Your jealousy shows how much you have old need and heartbreak inside you. This blocks love, receiving, sexuality and joy. It brings up urgency and generates heartbreaking situations. Jealousy is a form of self-attack and revenge in which you threaten either to break your heart or cut the connection between your heart and genitals. This can withdraw you from life and your partner, which will lessen your self-value and attractiveness. This can also devalue sex and make it casual rather than an expression of love.

Page 27 of 184

Jealousy is a form of control over your partner Jealousy is a form of self-torture and often your pain will become anger. When you experience feelings of jealousy, you attempt to control your partner in order to make yourself safe. If you succeed in controlling them completely, they become boring to you and if you do not succeed in controlling them, you feel your old pain magnified in the present. The only solution is to gain confidence. Then you will no longer collude to make up such a situation with your partner. The ego is using this situation to compound your past pain and to make itself stronger while at the same time your higher mind has created a healing opportunity for you. Whether you stay with or leave your partner, you will need to heal your jealousy at some point or you will build your ego and become either more of a victim or more independent. You will then become controlling, demanding that relationships be on your terms. This will make you safe, but you cannot be safe and enjoy a vibrant, successful relationship. This can only come from equality between you and your partner.

Healing your jealousy It will take all of your healing ability not to drive your partner away. With jealousy, even if you are behaving maturely on the surface and feeling tormented inside, you have a split mind, and this prevents you from moving forward. All the roots of your pain from jealousy are in past heartbreaks and childhood losses. First of all, no matter what your partner is doing, commit to your own healing. If they are truly unfaithful, they too have similar losses and heartbreaks and are looking for ways to prove that they are loveable. They, too, are seeking to get love outside themselves. This is not an excuse for their behaviour, but it is a reason.

I will run through some solutions to jealousy, but remember that to clear your jealousy, you are actually attempting to clear most of the insecurity of your past. This includes all loss, pain and grievances from past relationships and childhood. Fighting with your partner out of pain will only make the problem worse. Here are some healing solutions to jealousy:

1. Take responsibility for your emotions. Feel the pain, even exaggerate it a bit. This will give you back control of your emotions so that they are not overwhelming. Learn to identify the emotion you are feeling. As you feel it, you burn it away. You can feel and melt away your emotions until they are finally replaced with good feelings. Emotions are not endless. If your jealousy is tied to unconscious emotion, it can be enormously painful. But by feeling it, which is one of the most fundamental forms of healing, you win your heart back bit by bit. Beware the temptation to
Page 28 of 184

dissociate or go independent, even if your partner is acting outrageously. You may choose to let go of your partner because if they are acting indiscriminately with little regard for you, they are not valuing the relationship. Sometimes, it is crucial to leave to value yourself, but if you do so, heal as much of the situation as you possibly can before you leave and come to a place of peace. You can leave the relationship without becoming dissociated, which cuts you off from your own heart.

2. Sacred Fire Pain is emotional pain so strong it takes you to your knees. It shows that you have vision-level gifts that the jealousy is defending against, such as Sacred Fire Love, creativity, psychic gifts, great sex, and transcendence to name but a few. The pain of jealousy and heartbreak then reflects a wedge between two major parts of your own mind that keeps you locked into, conflict and cross purposes. To heal Sacred Fire Pain is easy, and you can use this method to heal any emotion or problem. This method will either clear the whole problem or a layer of it. If it is a layer, you can simply repeat the exercise until the problem is resolved. This will create a new level of vision as a result.

Exercise:

Simply ask yourself, using your intuition, who needs your help. Go to this person and help them in any way you are inspired. Most of the time, it has to do with simply pouring your love toward this person through the wall of pain. This can shift the pain in seconds, though in some cases, there is another layer to be dealt with. This is a simple method, but it has the greatest efficacy in extremely painful situations or even in the smallest of problems. At one level, your pain or problem is an ego attempt to keep you from hearing the calls for help around you. As you help, you are helped. As you free others with your love and support, you are freed.

3. Transformational Communication. This is a very helpful way to learn to communicate with your partner. It will stop fights and encourage healing. 1. Set a goal of success for your communication. You can both succeed. 2. Ask for Heavens help and that of your own creative mind. 3. Realise there are no bad guys. Dont try to make your partner wrong. 4. Ask for your partners support.
Page 29 of 184

5. Share what is upsetting you without trying to make your partner change. If you try to control them or use emotional blackmail, you will soon be fighting instead of communicating. Simply share your experience while taking responsibility for your emotions

and experience. If they begin feeling attacked or guilty, back off a bit and reassure them
that your intention is to heal yourself, not attack them. 6. As you share, ask yourself when you felt like this before and share about that situation and how you felt. As you finish sharing about that experience, another older experience may occur to you. Simply share about the new experience, keeping as close to the emotion as possible so as not to get lost in the story. As you do this while feeling the old emotion, you are healing yourself. From the beginning of your sharing, stick to the heart of the emotion as much as possible. If you get hysterical or dissociated, you have fallen into the trap of a power play, and it will work against you. As you share, you will realise how the present situation has been part of a pattern. If nothing immediately comes to mind, do not try to remember it. Simply use your intuition to guess. If nothing is still forthcoming, it can be just as effective to speak of your emotion, how it feels, how you feel about everything, including yourself, your partner and your relationship, but experience and share about your present emotion as the key to your transformation.

This can leave you feeling free and healed, and your partner will feel as if they have helped and supported you. The relationship problem will be resolved unless it is a chronic problem. If it is a chronic problem, you will have healed a layer of it, but you will probably have to face it again a number of months down the line. You can then simply repeat this same exercise.

4. Commit to equality. Jealousy occurs because the relationship has fallen into the trap of independence-dependence. Recognizing and straightening out this imbalance is the most crucial lesson of a relationship. If it is not learned, your relationship will not work, and there will be a lot of pain. There are some easy ways to move beyond this step in the Power Struggle Stage. (See Chapter 34, page 115, on Commitment.) The way through is to commit to equality. Though it may be a while before you reach the Partnership Stage, you can hit plateaus of it along the way. Even when you reach partnership, there will be further issues, as well as reviews of independencedependence that call for a further rebalancing of your relationship.

Page 30 of 184

If you are jealous, you are obviously the dependent one, at least at the present time. This can change quickly enough to you being the one to cause jealousy, if not further down the road in this relationship then in another future relationship. It is not happy for you or your partner when there is jealousy or the cause for it, though your partner may seem to be in the superior position, if he or she is the independent one. You can rebalance the relationship each time you commit to equality and win back your attractiveness. The more dependent you become, the more you lose your attractiveness. The more you let go of your attachments, need and pain, the more your partner will come toward you because you are regaining attractiveness, as you give up your dependency. If your partner is not coming toward you, you are not letting go of your attachments successfully. If you are not doing your healing work, you are probably indulging yourself in some way, probably emotionally.

Let go of your relationship dependency. Be careful not to swing the other way though. If you throw the relationship away, it is simply going for independence and dissociation. It is a step sideways in power struggle as you try to gain control, rather than a step forward in partnership. In a fight, even if you win, you will lose because it will only be a matter of time before you are attacked back. Give up fighting for the benefit of going forward to the next step. This healing step will serve you the rest of your life no matter what relationship you are in.

5. Pain means that truth has not come to the situation. When there is full truth, there is full healing, understanding, bonding and freedom. Do you want pain or truth? If you want the pain, you have sided with the ego. The ego builds itself pain, dissociation and fights. The ego does not want love or contact. It is made up of separation. Love and bonding dissolve the ego.

To find the truth, simply choose it. Ask for it to be shown to you. It will immediately bring light to the situation layer by layer. The process is not complete until you are at peace. Simply want the truth and your perception will keep changing until there is success and peace.

Jealousy anywhere around you is your own hidden jealousy. Jealousy is your responsibility. It is not enough to get rid of your partner, though if they are not that into you, you are sometimes called to move rather than just keep suffering. But remember, the suffering and potential jealousy were inside before this situation, and part of your purpose in life is to heal all the suffering inside and replace it with love. This gives you confidence for a successful relationship.
Page 31 of 184

Key Insights: You can only move beyond your jealousy if you take responsibility for it. It stems from your own insecurities, heartbreaks and need. Give up trying to control your partner through jealousy. Your safety and security do not lie in keeping them under your control. Revisit the ways through jealousy presented in this chapter whenever you feel it arise in you.

Chapter 10

Heartbreak
This chapter explores the nature of heartbreak and how to get beyond your heartbreaks to a place of wholehearted living.

When a heartbreak occurs, it can be devastating for a number of reasons. You can step back from life, relationships and even yourself so much that you may never recover and always stay that far removed, dissociated, independent and lonely. You may cut the connection between your heart and your sexual centre and in the most devastating heartbreaks even between your head and heart. You may be in a state of perpetual sacrifice because you can give but can no longer receive because you are no longer connected but withdrawn.

Heartbreak as revenge A heartbreak is a fight. It is part of a power struggle in which we use emotional blackmail. By having a heartbreak, you state, Look what you have done to me. It is because of you that I suffer. You cannot be a good person if this is what you have done to me. I have been made a poor, innocent victim at your hands. In fact, you are getting revenge on them. Similarly, you are getting revenge on others also, such as your parents and sometimes past relationships also. You are saying to them, If you had loved me more, had not done that to me, and had generally done it better, then this could never have happened to me. While there are aspects of denial and naivet involved in heartbreaks, the more dominant element is that of control. It will also cause you to take from your partner emotionally. This can only lead to more problems and pain for you, however.

Page 32 of 184

You cannot be hurt or heartbroken unless you are dependent and trying to take. This may be covered over by giving. In this case, you will be giving to take. If you were genuinely giving, you could not be rejected by your partner and, even if you were, you would remain happy. But if you are giving to take, you will feel rejected as they push you away. No one wants to be possessed or swallowed up by their partner. Partners pull away from those attempting to take from them. When you do this to others, you will be blind to it, but this behaviour does lead to wake-up calls and heartbreaks.

Acceptance You cannot feel hurt unless you are rejecting something or someone. No matter how another person acts, if you accept it, not because it is true or right, but because it has happened, you are able to flow forward and the event falls into perspective in the context of your life and you let go of it easily and gracefully. What you resist, persists and it hurts while it persists. So, if you learn to accept what is going on, you move forward quickly to the next better step. It is not their seeming rejection that hurts; it is your rejection that is causing the pain. By simply accepting it, you can change your mind about the event so as not to be stopped by it or locked in the hell of it.

Healing your heartbreaks To the extent that you do not get over your heartbreak, you live a life of revenge either by withdrawal or dissociative independence, in which case, you inadvertently cause heartbreaks in others to the extent that you were heartbroken yourself. If you are suffering a heartbreak now, unless you heal it, you will pass on this heartbreak to partners and children.

When you experience a heartbreak, it shows that everyone in that scene suffered or had the same heartbreak within them already. As you heal your heartbreak or step forward in partnership, everyone will receive the healing as you achieve it.

Here are some principles to heal heartbreaks:

1. Acceptance. Practice acceptance every moment until you are at peace. Accept yourself. Accept your partner. Accept whatever it was that caused your heartbreak, even if you do not like it.

Page 33 of 184

2. Forgiveness. Forgiveness heals the whole pattern that brought about the heartbreak. Look inside your partner. How many wounded children and wounded selves do they have within them? Could you let your wounded children and selves go to them, love and hold them until all or both of your wounded selves heal, grow up to your present ages and melt them back into you? This would reconnect the wires that had been cut in your mind, heart and genitals. 3. Trust. Trust yourself, your partner, the situation and everyone involved. This allows things to unfold perfectly for you. Your trust, which is the power of your mind pointed in a positive direction, is powerful enough to heal any problem. It restores your confidence and attractiveness. It unravels the situation quickly and gracefully. 4. Commitment. Commit to the truth and to the next step. Your commitment to go forward brings a better way that has been waiting for you in the next step. Keep giving yourself wholeheartedly to the next step. Want the solution with all your heart. 5. Grace. Heavens plan for you is total happiness. Unless you want a long delay of happiness in your life because you somehow bought into the egos plan for building itself, I would suggest asking for the grace and miracles to bring about Heavens plan for you. Do not wait another minute. Let go of all grievances, so you can let in the miracle. Everyone in the situation is Gods beloved child, including yourself. There is a way for everyone to be happy but only in Heavens plan for happiness. Let go of the egos plan for one that will make everyone happy. Heartbreaks come because you felt gravely insulted that your partner is not living up to the role you assigned them. But deeper in your subconscious and unconscious mind, what is happening fits perfectly with what your ego has planned. Look back on your life. Where there is pain, it shows your egos plan and where you bought into it. Let it all go in exchange for Heavens plan for you. Heaven knows what you need and what you like, and it will give you all good things if you let it.

Key Insights: Being heart broken is your way of getting revenge on those you feel have done you wrong or not loved you enough. Holding onto heartbreaks is a way of fighting with those around you and your partner. You cannot be hurt or heartbroken unless you are dependent and trying to take. Accept what has happened to you give up resisting and fighting about it. Your motivation to heal your heartbreaks lies in the fact that if you dont heal them, you will pass them onto those you love.

Page 34 of 184

Chapter 11

Abusive Situations
This chapter explores the root of abusive situations and how they are generated by guilt. It also presents ways to get beyond the cycle of abuse by healing guilt and fear.

Abuse and Guilt There are a few important principles that are helpful in abusive situations. The first one is that its important not to let someone abuse you. Equally, it is vital that you do not abuse others. Letting someone abuse you is neither helpful to them nor is it helpful to you. It increases guilt for both of you, which is one of the key elements that brings about abuse by others. Guilt is also something that can drive someone to be abusive. If someone abuses others, they do it to deny high levels of guilt within them. If you are abused in whatever form, the abuse is a form of self-punishment that you use to attempt to pay-off old guilt. This guilt, whether it leads to you abusing or being abused, was a mistake on your part to begin with. While guilt is mistaken, it is no less destructive or self-destructive.

Childhood abuse Any abuse that occurred when you were a child is abuse that typically came as a result of you taking up the martyr role in your family. Whether it is sexual abuse, physical abuse or mental-emotional abuse, it almost always comes from your attempt to save your family. Because your family is worth more to you than your sexual integrity, your health or your life, you will give yourself up for those you love. A martyr-sacrifice pattern can continue through your life, and you attempt to help or save others through illness, being abused or some way of life in which you devalue yourself. Even the abuser has taken on the scapegoat role in an attempt to act out the negativity in the family, in order to save the rest of the family from it. These acts of sacrifice seldom, if ever, help and whatever was accomplished by sacrifice could have been accomplished without it.

Abusive relationships Some people are addicted to abusing others, whatever the form of abuse, while others can be similarly addicted to being abused. An addiction-abuse cycle can be difficult to break unless one person in the victim-victimizer cycle is willing to break it. If you are willing to break it, there is the possibility to break the cycle for everyone. But remember; first, protect yourself and your children if you have any. Common wisdom is that you get out of any abusive situations as quickly as possible. You simply move to a
Page 35 of 184

safe place. But let us apply some uncommon wisdom to see if it can have a saving effect on you, your partner and the relationship. If it does not have immediate transformational effect, you can still move out and continue the healing from a safe place.

One important question to ask yourself is: Are you using this relationship to hold yourself back or did you make a soul-level promise that you would save your partner?

If you have been using this partner as part of your conspiracy to hold yourself back from your purpose and your happiness, then it is time to get out of the relationship and sometimes even out of town as quickly as possible. Notice, I spoke of you using them rather than of them using you.

If on the other hand you made a promise to save them from themselves, then it is important to commit to your healing and to theirs. Again, you keeping that promise does not necessarily mean that you have to remain in the relationship, if it continues to be abusive. Sometimes, once you have kept your promise, the relationship ends, and it is time to move on. At other times, this relationship blossoms and becomes what it was meant to become a learning, growing vehicle to make you both happy.

Taking action: Exercise Relationships are a form of collusion. If you end your part of the collusion and the fear you have of going forward and being in a loving relationship, you can break the cycle and this will free you both. These next three exercises have had great effect in completely shifting relationships after one session. You can use the combination of them to great effect, if you really want them to work.

1. Ask yourself the following questions: If you were to know, how old you were when the fear and guilt started that is at the root of the abuse cycle, it was probably at the age of If you were to know who was there, it was probably If you were to know what it was that occurred, it was probably Recognise that everyone in that situation had or took on the emotion you inherited in that situation.
Page 36 of 184

Knowing that the pattern that began there is bringing about the present abusive situation, would you be willing to change it?

First, what is the soul-level gift that you brought in to change that situation and help the people involved in it? Whatever soul-level gifts you brought in, which probably includes the gift of redemption, open the door to those gifts, embrace them and share them with everyone back in that scene. Now pass these gifts through them to anyone who may ever have victimised or been victimised by them. Thus, the healing gifts pass through the whole network of victim-victimizer, releasing and redeeming them. Now do the same with yourself, pass these gifts to anyone you may have victimised or been victimised by and that they may have victimised, et cetera. Also, pass it through to anyone who victimised you and others they may have victimised or who may have victimised them. Pass it back to the first victimizer and the last victim that is part of you and your partners pattern, saving the whole network. Now bring those gifts and healing energy up through your whole life to the present situation. Share those gifts with everyone in the present situation.

2. Turn over any sacrifice, victim or victimizer roles you have carried within you. Let go of any sacrifice, martyr, victim or victimizer self-concepts you have. Ask yourself how many you have of each one and simply let them go to free yourself of such self-destructive programming. Any time you see any evidence of these roles or self-concepts, once again, let them go.

3. Turn your perception of your partner, yourself and your relationship over to Heaven and your own higher mind for healing. Ask for this healing wholeheartedly. Ask again and again. Ask for a miracle in your relationship. Want it with all your heart!

4. This abuse reflects a fear of intimacy, being possessed or wanting to possess another. Return to Chapter 4 on Fear, page 16, and use the exercise to move you past this trap of abuse.

Key Insights: Abuse is a form of self-punishment. The abuser typically abuses because they feel guilty. Childhood abuse occurs because we try to save our families by sacrificing ourselves. Having an abusive partner can be a way to hold ourselves back.

Page 37 of 184

Chapter 12

Listening Within
This chapter opens up another way to deal with the general issues and also the everyday, momentary and practical problems you may be facing in your relationship. It uses the method of listening within yourself for the answers, which are already there.

The answers are within you The answers are within you, if only you are willing to listen. Heaven has given you everything already. Heavens answers are within you, but you are afraid to hear. You are afraid that you will be guided to do something that you do not want to do. This sets up great resistance to listening. You may be told something your ego does not want you to do, but you will never be told something your true self does not want to hear or do. You will never be told something that does not lead to your happiness.

Are you willing to hear the way out? I once was coaching the wife of an alcoholic who was looking for any excuse to get angry and go off to the bar. The woman prayed and asked for guidance, and she was told exactly what to say to help her husband stay on the straight and narrow path of sobriety. It would have been so easy to trigger him and give him the excuse he needed to go drink. Yet, the answers she received were perfect. It took only her willingness to hear the way.

If you ask, you shall receive. It is as simple as that. As soon as your desire to hear the way forward is stronger than your fear of listening, you will find the answer. If you seek, you shall find unless you are following your egos advice, whose plan is for you to seek and never find. This is both frustrating and depressing. This need not be. There is a higher Source to listen to, and it comes through your own creative mind.

Learning to listen To listen, simply close your eyes, relax and ask for the way forward. If you do not hear the way forward right away, you can ask once again and sit there openly and quietly.

Page 38 of 184

If your mind is too busy to hear, it reflects the amount of fear you have. There is a simple meditation exercise you can do beforehand to calm your mind down. Pay attention to whatever thoughts come into your mind and say with each thought: This thought reflects a goal that is keeping me from my answer. The thought will fall away as you do this. Keep repeating this exercise for fifteen to twenty minutes until you have an extremely quiet mind. Then state: Into this quiet mind, let my answer be given. Whenever you need a specific answer for your next step, listen quietly for it. You may even ask that you get a certain body sensation when your answer comes in so that you can Recognise when your answer has come to you or rather when you are ready to hear it. Soon, youll get the signal even in the busiest of places, as you become more willing and attuned to listening.

Key Insights: If you are willing to listen, you will get in touch with your own wisdom and discover all the answers within you. All you need to do is be willing to hear the truth and to learn to listen and make your mind quiet.

Chapter 13

Healing Addictions
This chapter explores the nature of addiction in relationships and how to transform the addiction, whether you are the addict or the co-dependent partner. It bypasses surface solutions and deals with the deeper underlying dynamics.

Addiction and Sacrifice Addictions, like every other relationship issue, are collusions. An addiction contains many dynamics. It is a fear of the next step, which is shared by both the addict and their partner who is the co-dependent. This co-dependent partner inadvertently supports the problem because of their own fear of change and going forward. Many times, also, there is a hidden addiction in the co-dependent, which may be emotional or even behavioural, such as sacrifice. Within and between the addict and the partner, there is a vicious circle of addictions-sacrifice. Both partners will have this, though with the addict, the sacrifice
Page 39 of 184

aspect may be more hidden, though no less destructive. When you are in sacrifice, you mistakenly seek relief through indulgence. If you have a bad case of sacrifice, it can easily lead to burnout or addiction, generating a vicious circle downward.

With an addiction, you need a huge wake-up call to be motivated to break free of the addiction, whether it be to alcohol, drugs, sex, work, spending money, food. The addiction is an unsuccessful attempt to fill a spiritual and emotional void within you. As the addiction grows, so does the addicts guilt and self-attack, which reinforces the addiction. In the same way, an attempt to medicate yourself will not make up for loss and loneliness but only exacerbate it. The need you are seeking to fill becomes more famished, and you become more driven and desperate as a result, eventually becoming more alienated and miserable. As an addict, there are conflicts in your life that seem insurmountable or overwhelming. You not only feel as if you do not know how and cannot heal these conflicts, the pain and need build to a point where you are less and less able to cope with them.

Addiction as a block Another much more hidden aspect of an addiction is that it can be a way to hide and not answer a call for help coming to you specifically. There is some leadership project you are called for in order to help a number of people, but because the ego has caught you in sacrifice, burnout and addiction, you are unwilling to answer the call for help and, thus, unavailable to have help be given to you. If you were to help free others, you would find the fulfilment that has been eluding you.

Breaking free of addictions When there is an addiction, something must be done to break the physical aspect of the addiction. Once this is accomplished, then the psychological addiction can be addressed. It is also important to discern the difference between transformation and a flight into health. The latter only looks good, but it is just a little too perfect. It is compensating for the addiction. Usually, the addiction will break out of its defence at some point or other, which will cause a lapse into the addiction once more. It is helpful to have your higher mind integrate all of the levels of compensation used to hide all of the levels of addiction, so there is a new wholeness. White-knuckled sobriety is also a compensation over an addiction, and once it is integrated, leads to new peace and confidence.

Page 40 of 184

The motivation to heal is a key aspect in healing addiction both for the addict and the co-dependent. An addict may attempt to have their partner join them in their addiction to relieve their guilt. This, of course, can be quite destructive and only increases the guilt of the addict.

Breaking the cycle of addiction may take every bit of your courage, whether it is to detox, go cold turkey or gradually lessen the addiction. It takes commitment and the true will of your spirit to give up your selfdestructiveness. Here are some steps you may find helpful in breaking the addiction.

1. Ask for a miracle. Listen within and use grace every step of the way.

2. Use detoxification if this is appropriate to the addiction. I have used healing energy to help break strong heroin addictions. When someone relaxes deeper than the hold of the addiction, the addiction dissolves. I once had a case of a dealer who was getting very pure heroin. It took fourand-a-half hours of energy healing for the breakthrough. It was fairly dramatic, as the person flung himself up a couple of feet from the easy chair where he had been relaxing deeply as his therapist, myself and his best friend poured healing energy into him. I was also able to end a cold turkey detoxification in five minutes with healing energy. If you go this path rather than conventional methods, find a healer who believes it can be done and an addict who has some willingness.

I have also found that the compulsion-blowout in NLP can be very helpful in moving someone through the need for a drug, including smoking. But if other healing is not employed, the person may return to usage, not because they need it, but because they want it. The compulsion blowout is simply the first step.

3. Go back to the time where you decided to have this problem as the addict or the codependent.

How old were you when it began

Who were you with, if you were to know, when the root of you this problem began

Page 41 of 184

If you were to know, what was going on when you decided to have this problem

If you look at what you suffered back there, it shows what everyone was suffering, at least on the inside. The pain was passed onto you.

You would have brought a gift into this life as an antidote to this pain and using that gift is a much better alternative than suffering the pain.

If you were to know the gift you brought in to heal that pain instead of inheriting the pain back there, it was probably the gift of

Now, imagine yourself sharing this gift with everyone back there in that scene. If its not completely healed, then there is another gift you are being offered for yourself to free everyone. Open up any other gifts necessary to heal that situation and share them.

Repeat this exercise four more times to go back and heal significant roots of the present situation. Now, let your partner do the same exercise five times. If they are not amenable, you can do it for them. It is the power of love and having a close relationship that allows you to do such healing for your partner. At an unconscious level, they are just a part of your own mind. You can do this exercise every day for the next month. It will have a remarkable effect on you and your partners self-confidence and will begin the process of transforming your world to one that makes you both happier.

4. Commit to the next stage in your relationship to heal the fear. Want it with all your heart.

5. Join your partner. Imagine you are one being. Burn through any negative emotion that you experience in this being that includes them until there is only peace and joy. Use your love to reach a place of one mind and one heart. Burn through defences and all negativity until you both feel free. With intention, you can do this in your sleep or in the back of your mind, as you go through your day. When you have time, concentrate on it. If your partner is open, do it together with them, maintaining eye contact throughout.
Page 42 of 184

By doing this, you can achieve profound experiences of Oneness or have profound release or simply burn away the defences that hide pain and gifts. This is a wonderful exercise for bonding, healing and strengthening your relationship.

6. Go back to the crossroads. You were at a crossroads in your life when you went down the egos path of addiction or co-dependency. What did your ego offer you as a reward for going down the path that led to your present state?

Did it keep its promise?

Did this make you happy?

The other path that you were offered at the same time your ego seduced you came from Heaven and your own creative mind. What were you offered to go down that path

Imagine yourself continuing to go down the ego path of having this addiction problem. Where does your relationship end up? Where do you end up?

Now, imagine yourself going down your higher minds path. What gifts are you offered? What happens to your relationship as a result of going down this path? What happens to you? How does your life turn out?

Now, go back to that time when you were at the crossroads. Choose once again. What do you want for your life and relationship?

7. To break the addiction you need to break the need of the addiction and the sacrifice that leads to burnout. Let us work on the roots that led to this problem.

Page 43 of 184

Ask yourself: If I were to know how old I was when one of the core roots of this problem began, it was at the age of

If I were to know who was involved, it was probably

If I were to know what occurred, it was probably

What I decided that led to the need that drives this addiction was

What I choose to decide now for back there at that time in my life is

The gift you brought in to heal this need that you inherited from the people in that situation was the gift of If you open and embrace this gift back there and then share it with whomever is in that situation with you, you will heal it for both of you. You inherited the need/pain they felt in their lives that led to that situation.

8. Whether it is you, your partner or both who have the addiction, this problem represents a fear of success, intimacy and the next step. Use the power of your mind, heart and spirit to commit to the next step in intimacy and success. Do this frequently. Do it before sleep and when you wake up. Want the next step with all your heart. It is always better.

Key Insights: Addiction is an unsuccessful attempt to fill a spiritual and emotional void within you. Addiction is a distraction from leadership and living your purpose. Revisit the exercises in this chapter whenever you feel you are acting out of addictive or compulsive behaviour.

Page 44 of 184

Chapter 14

The Trap of Specialness

This chapter explores the little known dynamic of specialness and how it usurps and destroys relatedness. It is one of the underlying traps of all relationship issues. Specialness works against your relationships

When you were a toddler, you thought the whole world revolved around you. Specialness is a place within you where you have not outgrown this notion. It is a counterfeit form of love that works against your relationships. It is actually the bane of relationships because underneath every problem in a relationship, there is an issue of specialness as specialness is fed by your needs. As a result of your needs, you attempt to take but cannot receive. You demand or fantasize but cannot be satisfied. You fight or withdraw to get your way, but it is never enough. You virtually cannot suffer pain or have any upset whatsoever unless your specialness has been insulted. All of your pouting and tantrums come from your specialness. And every problem is a pouting meant to tout your specialness. If you cannot gain the attention your specialness feeds on in a positive manner, it will get the attention in a negative way. You think you want people to love you, but sometimes it is your specialness that leads you to make others bow to you.

Specialness feeds the biggest mistaken attitude of a relationship, which is that of taking. With specialness, you believe that a partner is given to you so that all of your needs can be met. The untrue part of romance is fed by specialness in which you are carried away because your partner seems to be ideal to fulfil what is missing in you. Your fighting with your partner comes about because they are not living up to the script you assigned to them. A fight comes about in an attempt to get your needs met and be treated in the manner to which you are accustomed. Anger is all about specialness and specialness is all about having things your way in the relationship. Frustration and disappointment are born of your specialness. Your partner rarely lives up to your fantasy of them in the Romance Stage. Of course, if they had, it would still not be enough. Since the underlying need would still not be satisfied, you would seek a new fantasy to be satisfied, making your partner jump through even bigger hoops.

Special guilt Deadness in a relationship comes from patterns of sacrifice, ambivalence about receiving, dilemmas, triangles, competition and not going forward for fear of losing something. Deadness is fed by specialness
Page 45 of 184

or the glamour of guilt, such as feeling that you are the cause of your parents and familys problems growing up. This special guilt can keep you punishing yourself for a lifetime. This is such a primordial pattern that, if unexamined and held onto, it stays more important to you than your partner. This can lead to depression and failure as a form of specialness that has taken on a negative expression. Many times this is covered over by sacrifice and overwork. This is a form of special martyrdom.

Letting go of your specialness Now is the time to let go of specialness. You can choose love and appreciation instead. The first step is become aware of the insidiousness of specialness.

How do you demand that your partner treats you special?

How do you pout or punish them when they do not?

Examine where you are feeling negative emotions. What are they? What is it you are trying to get? What is the specialness involved?

Negative Emotion 1. 2. 3.

What You Are Trying to Get 1. 2. 3.

Specialness Involved 1. 2. 3.

Examine the specialness in your present problem. Examine the specialness your partner is exhibiting, as part of your own hidden specialness.

Examine some of your painful experiences from the past and look at them in light of your new awareness of specialness.

Page 46 of 184

Be willing to let go of all of the specialness you discover. Go back to past situations and give your love instead of trying to get something from others. Doing this in your minds eye as vividly as possible allows you to heal the past patterns that are affecting you now.

As you seek to give rather than get, continuously let go of negative emotion, attachments and any form of taking.

Transforming your relationship Commit to loving your partner. This fulfils both of you, transforming your need. It is the key to successful relationship. Your relationship is not all about you; it is about your relationship and your partner. You cannot attempt to give or love in a sacrificial way. This simply will not work. Instead, it will keep your relationship from becoming everything it could be and everything it was meant to be.

It is time for you to transform your relationship. Do not wait for your partner to begin. This is your responsibility. Do it for yourself, and as you succeed, it brings your partner up to the new level with you. Every step you take forward in a non-competitive way is a step given to your partner. This is the economy that comes of partnership, and it is one of the elements that make relationships the fastest path of growth.

What is it you could give your partner today without any expectations? Remember, when you give in a true way, giving is its own reward.

Today is a day to transform the relationship from a place of getting and being disappointed to one of giving and being fulfilled.

Key Insights: Needing to be special works against your relationship. Specialness is based on need and will cause you to take from your partner as a result. Special guilt will hold your life and your relationship back. The way through is to let go of your need to remain special. To transform your relationship, take responsibility for it. Do not wait for your partner to take the first step.
Page 47 of 184

Commit to your partner and to your relationship.

Chapter 15

The Importance of Goals

This chapter describes the importance of setting a long-term goal for relationship success.

Choosing Wholeness and Heaven It is essential that you have a goal for your relationship. I would suggest that you have a goal of wholeness, where your two minds can become one and bring about the experience of Heaven on earth. A relationship is the best chance you have for experiencing Heaven on earth. Turn your relationship over to Heaven and periodically during your relationship, renew, dedicate and consecrate your relationship to wholeness.

If you do not have a goal, each conflict could be your last. If you have a goal of wholeness in your relationship, then your conflict is just something to get through on your way to wholeness. With a goal, you have the long view, and you do not become short-sighted when the next level of conflict comes up. You know that the healing of this next conflict and what you learn as a result will bring you closer. It will bring you more wholeness and confidence in your partner and your relationship to weather every issue on the way to wholeness. Everything between you and God will surface between you and your partner. If you do not have a goal to get past every issue on the way to Oneness, then each one can knock you further off course. Then you will wonder who this stranger is across the table from you instead of gazing over at your beloved. When something untoward happens, simply reset your goals to keep your eye on where you want to end up. Without goals, you can end up anywhere. Once you have your long-term goal, then make short term goals for each next step.

Key Insights: It is vital that you set goals for your relationship so that you and your partner are heading in the same direction. Setting the goals of wholeness and heaven sets you in a true, healthy direction.

Page 48 of 184

Once you have a goal and direction, you will find it much easier to work through each stage and issue in your relationship. Continue to reset your goal constantly.

Chapter 16

The End of the Romance and Shadowland

This chapter explores the shadow step in relationship, which is the first major step in the Power Struggle Stage. It shows how to handle and transform the situation when your partner begins to look like a shadow to you by acting out the traits that most disturb you. Shadows can occur at any time throughout a relationship, but it is most likely to destroy a relationship when it comes immediately after our Romance Stage.

The Romance Stage The Romance Stage when you first meet someone can make you feel like you are floating on air. The adventure of beginning a relationship with someone and getting to know them can fill your days with thrill and wonder. You feel as if you are coming alive again, and you have a whole new outlook on life. This Romantic Stage is both a springtime and a renaissance. Colours are brighter. Life has new meaning and wonder returns. The Romance Stage revives you and shows you all the possibility in your relationship.

When I was young and foolish, I used to think that the end of the Romance Stage was the end of the relationship because the intense in love feelings were over. As I went through relationship after relationship, my Romance Stage got shorter, and I became more independent. Finally, by the time I met Lency, my wife, our Romance Stage lasted the length of one brilliant Hawaiian sunset. We declared our love for each other and shared that we were each what the other had been seeking our whole lives. There was a corresponding panoply of colours - purples, reds, oranges, pinks and, finally, the mythical green flash, as the sun disappeared into the ocean. When it became dark, we looked over and wondered where the feeling had gone. Fortunately, by this time, we had enough awareness to Realise that we had simply entered the second stage of relationship already.

Page 49 of 184

Beyond the Romance Stage: enjoying the oases along the way When you meet someone in romance, you feel that they complete you. They represent a missing part of you a part that typically was split off as a child in a situation where you thought that if you acted like that, you would not survive. Yet, after splitting that part off, it was repressed. Since then, you have been seeking it to complete yourself. Now, it has come back in the form of your partner. This feels great until the Power Struggle Stage, when you start trying to take from them out of your need because you feel what missing in yourself. Then you are in a fight of aggression-withdrawal to try to meet your need while trying not to get used by your partner. To succeed in this stage, you must learn how to bridge the differences so that the needs of both people are met in a way that moves you both forward. The good news is that when you succeed, and to the extent that you do, you always get a new honeymoon. These honeymoons follow your breakthroughs and are like oases along the path of your relationship. They sustain you, renewing you, your partner and the relationship. These oases give you hope and help you fall in love with your partner all over again. Then, soon enough, the next layer comes up. In the early stages of my relationship with my wife, the honeymoons would last about threeand-a-half days before the next stage came up. Sometimes, it would last longer or only two days or a day and a half. As we moved into the Dead Zone Stage, which was our real challenge, sometimes the honeymoon that followed each breakthrough would last only as long as an hour. Now with the accelerating unfolding of consciousness taking place on the earth as the result of the amount of grace pouring down on us, the next layers of challenge seem to come up quicker. Do not be surprised if you have a breakthrough and are feeling deeply in love, having had the best romance and sex in your life and wake up feeling distant from your partner. This is normal; the next issue has just come up.

Awareness is the key. When the Romance Stage is over, the relationship is about to begin its secondary purpose of helping you both to heal and become whole. This is the time when a new level of dedication is called for to bring back happiness, love and romance to its original Romance-Stage level.

Shadowland This is the first step in the Power Struggle Stage. It does not always occur; some couples step right past it. But when it does hit, it is crucial to be aware of it and to know what to do. It occurs right after the Romance Stage. You go from projecting your dreamboat on to your partner until all of a sudden they look like your worst nightmare. You are now projecting your biggest shadows and some of your worst fears on them. It is such an abrupt change that it is shocking and the relationship can break apart right
Page 50 of 184

at that time. Armed with awareness and having set your relationship goal for joy and wholeness, you simply reset your goal, commit to your partner and the relationship and you will be moved forward to the next step. You may still have more to heal about shadows but now it will not be right in your face. Shadowland is the time where you do not feel like committing, but commitment is one of the healing principles that can make all the difference quickly at this point. Once there is commitment, you are moved up to the Independent-Dependent Step the biggest lesson in all relationships. But if you do not make it past the Shadow Step, you will not succeed enough to be able to face the next step. Handling your main lesson of Independence-Dependence with a secondary lesson of Shadowland can also be quite daunting and sometimes too much for people to continue in their relationship. But if you wish to continue, commit to moving through the Shadow Step, and when you are fully in the Independent-Dependent Step, you can commit to yourself, your partner and your relationship. As you progress, each step becomes easier, but they all carry big challenges.

At one level, the Shadow, Independent-Dependent and the Positive-Negative Steps are all about who is in control. They are ways that you use to fight to be in charge of the relationship because of your fear. The way through this is commitment to equality, which moves you past these fights step-by-step rather than just problem-by-problem.

Dealing with shadows Besides some of the ways already mentioned at the beginning of this book and others coming up, your acceptance of your partners shadow behaviour instead of resisting, judging and fighting, allows you and the relationship to move beyond the stuck place it is in and to go forward. This allows the shadow that was right in your face and stopping you to fall into perspective.

There are other exercises that you can do to help with shadow figures. One is integration. Simply ask yourself using your intuition how many self-concepts you have that are like the shadows you have projected onto your partner. If you perceive a shadow, it can only be because it is within you as one of your self-concepts. Whatever number pops into your mind, you have this many shadow self-concepts. Ask that they all melt together into one giant shadow. Then have this shadow melt down to its pure positive energy, the building block of all that is and then bring this energy back into yourself.

Page 51 of 184

Another way to heal shadows is to write down the qualities that you cannot stand in your partner. Then pull back the projection, which is to imagine the shadow as something you do or believe about yourself. See if you do the same thing as your partner, that is act out your shadow, or if you compensate and completely hide that negative quality. You may even do both at once. Whatever style you have, you are torturing yourself about this quality. Now comes the important question: Do you want to keep torturing yourself or do you wish to step out of the torture chamber within you and help your partner? If you choose to help your partner, you will dissolve these self-concepts and help both of you, raising your perception and experience of yourself while dissolving your shadow. Your partner will look much better to you as a result. Repeat this exercise for all of the shadow qualities that your partner is showing you.

Key Insights: Beyond the Romance stage lies the Shadow Step, where you will begin to project negative selfconcepts onto your partner. Each time you get through a major trap (such as the shadowland) you will enjoy a honeymoon. These sustain you as you go along and remind you of the deep love you have for your partner. To get through the shadowland step and reach a new honeymoon, simply recommit to your partner and reset your goal of wholeness and heaven. To move through your shadows, integrate them, pull back your projections and move towards your partner.

Chapter 17

Transcending Power Struggle

This chapter reviews the Power Struggle Stage in relationships and the steps we go through in this stage. It examines the dynamics that lead to fights and what it takes to go beyond fighting to new levels of partnership.

The Power Struggle Stage: fighting for your needs The second stage of relationships after the Romance Stage is the Power Struggle Stage. Power Struggles are traps of great magnitude. There are lessons involved in this stage, which, if you do not learn them, will stop you from being successful in any of your relationships.
Page 52 of 184

You fight for your needs. You fight for your way. You fight because of your competition. And, finally, you fight because you are afraid of the next step.

When you fight for needs, you attack, make wrong, complain, demand, nag, beg, bully and withdraw. You want your needs attended to and even if your partner attends to them, it is never enough to satisfy you. Your needs go on and on. To deal with your needs in a mature way is a key to success in your relationship, and you will mean you are not a high maintenance partner. This means that you will not make the relationship all about you and what you are feeling.

Fighting for your way is one of the root dynamics of all problems, including ones in which you are victimised. Every problem you have, at some level, contains the desire to be right, but you cannot be right and happy at the same time. Here, it is crucial to desire the best or the true way rather than your way. The best and true way will always contain the best of your and your partners way in an integration of energy and ideas. In this way, both of you feel included and you have reached a new level in your partnership by bridging the differences, which is one of the key goals in the Power Struggle Stage. It is really crucial in this stage to reach a new level of equality, partnership and maturity.

Competition and Conflict Competition comes out of the desire to separate, which is the result of lost bonding in your family. From competition comes conflict. You not only fight for who is right, you fight for who is superior.

If you are beaten, you look to fight or ambush your partner later, so you can finally win. It takes great maturity to move past the competition that you have had since you were a child. The less bonded your family was the more competition you have and the stronger your desire will be to win over someone to prove you are the best. If this occurs, it will take quite a long time to get beyond dependence and independence to reach interdependence. In interdependence you fight in a positive way for both of you to win, which is always possible.

Page 53 of 184

The steps in the Power Struggle Stage Finally, let us review the steps in the Power Struggle Stage. The first is the Shadowland, which is the step in which your partner has become your worst nightmare. If one of your parents drank, gambled or ran around, your partner may seem to do the same thing. What you fear, they appear to be. While I shall deal in greater length with shadows in the Shadow and Projection Chapters, the most important thing to remember is that your partner is helping you to heal a pattern that is within you. The more you forgive and join them, the more benign they will seem to you. Projecting your shadow on your partner can reoccur throughout your relationship and can lead you to break apart if you do not learn the lesson involved.

The second step in the Power Struggle Stage is Independent-Dependent. If you do not learn this lesson, your relationship will forever be a trial that is, if it lasts that long. After the Romance Stage of relationships, power struggle typically starts because the struggle to find out who will direct the relationship by being the more independent one begins. The dependent partner feels more than the dissociated independent partner. The dependent partner feels all the romance, but also feels most of the pain. The one who is the independent partner may stay the independent one through most of the relationship or the independence can shift back and forth. If you have been a good partner when you are the independent one, reaching back for your dependent partner, valuing, loving and joining them despite any neediness, then they will be a good partner when you are the dependent one.

The dependent partner commonly confuses their need for their partner with love for their partner. Love neither tries to take from your partner nor does it give to take. It simply wants to give without expectation. This proves irresistible, while neediness will typically be resisted. If you find your partner distancing him or herself from you, you have typically become needy, whether you are expressing it outwardly or not. If your partner is moving away from you, let go of your needs, your attachment and your holding on to them. You will know how well you did by how much they come back to you. If you let go, they will always come back. Hold on and no matter how much you pretend you have let go, they will stay away because of your attachment to them. All forms of letting go are helpful when you are in the dependent position. Each successful letting go reaps a new honeymoon until the next layer of independence-dependence comes up. One simple form of letting go is to put the attachment in Heavens hands. A second way is to exaggerate the need and the negative emotion underneath it, experiencing it until it melts away into a positive feeling. Independence-Dependence is one of the main lessons that need to be learned to have a successful relationship, so give yourself wholeheartedly to learning it.
Page 54 of 184

The final step in the Power Struggle Stage is Positive-Negative. This can lead to many misunderstandings and fights if you do not Realise the importance of working together. Joined as a team, the positive and negative partners have everything necessary to succeed. Otherwise, there is the fight for superiority and dominance and attack when your partner succeeds over you.

Here are some of the classic differences between these Positive and Negative Poles:

Positive Optimist Denial Sees the Big Picture Friends From Beggars to Kings Nave A Generalist Overgenerous Extroverted Overextended A Perceiver Problem Solver Glosses Over Heroic

Negative Pessimist Realist Detail Oriented Fearful Very Discerning about Friends Focused Stingy Introverted Knows Exactly How Much Resources Are Needed A Judge Problem Finder Picayune Supportive

When both positive and negative are included and integrated, it generates lots of power and energy just like the positive and negative poles on a battery. Together there is a level of partnership that generates success and new honeymoons.

It is also important to remember that you can be positive in some areas and negative in others.

Page 55 of 184

While we will give Forgiveness, Commitment and Joining, their own chapters, it is important to mention them as key aspects of healing to get through the Power Struggle Stage.

Your partner is on your team. When there is dissension in the ranks, the whole team loses. For you to succeed, you must treat your partner as your teammate. Without committing to this, how can you possibly succeed?

Giving up the fight For the really courageous, I suggest surrendering to your partner. This is the emotional equivalent of bungee-jumping. With surrender, you give up all of your resistance to your partner, and you swing across the chasm to join them. You do not have to agree with them to surrender to them. It is a question of joining them, not necessarily what they say. By your surrendering to them, you move past the fight, to them. The extent you surrender to them will be the extent they surrender to you. Again, the results will show you how well you did. If you have a new honeymoon, you know you succeeded. Sacrifice does not count as surrender, nor does compromise. You will know if you have done this because both of you will feel like you lost.

Be a lover not a fighter. If you are fighting, you might have the right answer, but you are going about it in a destructive and self-destructive way.

Communication is another excellent way to heal your power struggle. Communication is neither a fight, nor judgment, nor blame. These are the things that stop communication. To communicate in a true way is to share your feelings, your position and your thoughts with the desire to move closer to your partner. Gradually as the sharing goes back and forth, a bridge is built from both sides of the river until you are joined in between. This turns control into confidence.

A power struggle reflects a conflict inside each of you. The conflict within represents two parts of your mind, each with their own plan for your happiness. You project the less identified part of your mind on your partner and act out the conflict, not only intrapersonally (within yourself), but interpersonally (between you and others). Integrating these two parts of the conflict for as many levels as the conflict goes down has the effect of bringing you to a new step forward in partnership by taking the best of both sides and creating a new level of bonding. A transformation of negative energy to positive energy leaves a
Page 56 of 184

vaccination against further similar negativity. This brings a new experience of peace and wholeness inside and a new level of partnership.

Here are three ways to integrate: 1. Choose that the integration occur. 2. Give the parts on all the levels over to your own higher mind to integrate. 3. Take all the parts represented by one side and imagine them in one hand and put all the parts represented by the other part of your mind reflected by your partner in your other hand. Now, melt all of these parts down to their pure energy and join the energy together. The energy becomes exactly alike when melted down and thus makes it easy to bring together.

Key Insights: In the Power Struggle Stage you fight for your needs and your way because you do not feel equal to your partner. The way through this is to commit to the true way rather than fight for your way. You not only fight for who is right, but for who is superior. If you forgive and join your partner you will move through this stage faster. If your partner moves away from you because of your level of neediness, let go of your attachment to them. The steps through the Power Struggle stage are: Shadowland Independence-Dependence Positive-Negative To succeed in this stage: treat your partner as your team mate give up the fight surrender to your partner communicate with your partner

Page 57 of 184

Chapter 18

Forgiveness
This chapter focuses on forgiveness and explores the nature of our grievances so that we start to look at what is going on subconsciously that creates difficult or problematic situations in our lives. Forgiveness has the power to free us from traps, problems and patterns. Here, I present a number of easy ways to use the most fundamental but often the most challenging and confronting of the healing principles. If you give yourself to this chapter, you will discover how forgiveness can save us, our partner and our relationships.

Forgiveness is an act of love that dissolves the grievances and judgments that destroy relationships. It dissolves both the trap and the pattern that led to the trap, and this allows your relationship to evolve. Forgiveness releases you from the hidden guilt that led to your judgment. Forgiveness heals the hidden fear that generated this trap, so you did not have to go forward and face the fear. Various forgiveness exercises are presented to help you free your relationship from the vicious circle of fear-guilt-judgmentgrievance. Where forgiveness does not occur, that part of the relationship is arrested.

The Path of Forgiveness You think that your forgiveness is for your partner, but really, it is for you. If you could see what you have buried in your subconscious and unconscious mind, you would know that, in truth, how everything that has occurred in your relationship was part of your own ego plan. When you fully understand an incident, you realise there is nothing to forgive. Because you have hidden and dissociated so much of yourself, not one thought that you hold is completely true, even much less so when you have a grievance. Your partner may have made a mistake and may continue to make mistakes, but he or she will not get better without your forgiveness. Unless you give forth to him or forgive him or her, you will remain stuck. Like a power struggle, a grievance supports your hidden fear in a mistaken way. It all becomes an excuse not to move forward. Your grievances will give power to your fear and give you an excuse not to face it. Grievances come from judgment, and judgment can only come from self-judgment or guilt, which is used to hide fear. Your forgiveness, not only frees you, it frees them. As you release them from the prison of your judgment, they are released from their own and they can then respond to you in kind. Your forgiveness makes your partner into an ally who will save you back in return.

Page 58 of 184

Forgiveness: the antidote to fear and attack Whatever you give to someone, whether grievance or gifts, they will give back to you. A line from A

Course in Miracles reflects this eloquently when it states that if a person does not show the Christ to you,
you did not show the Christ to him. When you feel unjustly attacked by someone, it hides a lot of subconscious plotting and planning on your part, and if you think you are unjustly attacked, it also means that there are times when you believe you can be justly attacked. The whole idea of being justly or unjustly attacked comes from your notion that you are justified in attacking others because you believe they deserve it. It is important to know that no one deserves attack, not even you. When you are afraid, you feel you will be attacked. This is a carte blanche for your ego to justify attacking others first.

The truth is that attack and judgment simply do not work. They destroy relationships, and you will always attack yourself first. Everything you do to another, you will do to yourself. Its guaranteed. And after thirty-five years of healing work, I have seen it time and time again. Judgment lies at the root of all suffering. It builds a wall between you and your partner, and it leads you to think you are right rather than realising that you were looking through the filter of your guilt and projected self-concepts. If you felt innocence, you would simply respond with compassion to their calls for help, which is what is occurring when someone acts out attach.

Each time you forgive, you release yourself from the prison of the past, and you regain peace and happiness in the present as a result. There is no problem that does not have a grievance as one of its roots. This means that a grievance will precede any problem. Then, as a result of the problem arising, another grievance will compound it, unless you respond with forgiveness. Forgiveness dissolves not only the problem but the antecedent pattern that led to the problem in the first place.

Your judgments and grievances serve a purpose for you. When you have a grievance, ask yourself how it serves you. What are you using it for?

What will you choose? Do you want the grievance, problem and pain or do you want forgiveness, resolution and freedom? If you keep your grievance, you will use it as an excuse for hidden indulgences and getting to do things your way. You will build your ego instead of your relationship. Do not use your grievance with your partner not to go forward. Do not use a grievance with another to keep a wall between you and your partner and a
Page 59 of 184

level of control over your partner. Value your partner and your relationship with them enough to forgive and keep it evolving. In the same manner, forgive yourself so as not to withdraw from your partner.

When you get to the bottom of your hidden motivations, you will see that there was no good reason to plan it as you did and then hide the plan from yourself. When you uncover what you have hidden, you can re-choose. You simply acknowledge your mistake and then your own higher mind can begin to transform it for you. Once you realise how you have set everything up, you can re-choose what it is you really want.

Later, I will explore more about the subconscious mind and accountability. Accountability allows you to take full responsibility back for what happens to you. This gives you the power to change and to choose a better way.

Learning to forgive Your forgiveness is a form of giving, and like all forms of giving, it brings you closer to the one forgiven, sets up a flow, empowers you and makes you happy.

Each time you forgive, you bring the misperception that led to the upset closer to right perception. The more you forgive, the more you experience a benign world and a benign self because as you forgive, your guilt disappears. Forgiveness is one of the hardest lessons to learn. It flies in the face of our ego, which needs guilt, fear, judgment, attack and misperception to build or maintain itself. Forgiveness is a form of love that builds your life, your relationship and a better world. Forgiveness is most easily accomplished through grace.

Here are some forms of forgiveness: 1. Ask for Heaven to help you forgive. 2. Give forth blessings unceasingly to the person you want to forgive. 3. Ask yourself: What was the soul-level gift you came to give this person? Give that. 4. Keep choosing to forgive them as you forgive yourself, your past relationships, your parents and God.
Page 60 of 184

5. Look inside them. See the wounded selves that caused them to act like that. How old are they? Love those wounded selves until they heal and begin growing up to your partners present age, at which time they will integrate back into them, bringing a new level of wholeness to both of you. 6. Use of the power of Gods love to forgive them. For example, It is through Gods love that I forgive you. The words are not crucial; the intention is. 7. See the person you want to forgive and next to them see the person you love the most. Look at the person you love the most but look beyond their body and personality to see the light inside them. Now join your light with theirs. Then look at the person you want to forgive but look beyond their body, personality and past and simply see the light inside them. Now join the combined light of you and the person closest to you to theirs to generate one light.

Key Insights: Forgiveness allows you and your relationship to evolve with ease. You think that your forgiveness is for your partner but really it is for you. Your partner cannot get better unless you forgive them. Attack and judgment do not work forgiveness is the only way through. Each time you forgive, you release yourself from the past and regain peace and happiness in the present. You have a choice between holding onto your grievances and practicing true forgiveness. As you forgive others, your own guilt melts away and your world becomes more innocent and benign. Revisit the exercises in this chapter to help keep you on the path of forgiveness.

Chapter 19

Joining Your Partner

This chapter explores the only direction that works in a relationship, which is toward your partner. If this is accomplished, everything else unfolds and transforms easily. It emphasises the power of becoming one mind and one heart with our partner.

Page 61 of 184

If you want to succeed in your relationship, the only direction in which to head is toward your partner. When you join your partner, you automatically take the next step together. If you are not constantly heading toward your partner, then the detritus and old pain, which continuously push up for healing, also push you apart. The old pain disguises itself in present problems, but it begins to build up unless you have an attitude of healing and joining toward your partner.

Moving toward your partner: the solution to all your problems If you have any type of problem in any area of your life, it is actually a problem between you and your partner. If you value your partner more than your problem, you will let nothing come between you not a problem you have, not a problem your partner has, nor a problem you have together. A problem can only exist if there is separation between you. As you take the opportunity to bond at every level, these problems melt away and as this happens, you melt away subconscious and unconscious roots until there is more and more love. There is no problem that your love cannot heal.

You can join with your partner at any time, whatever you are doing, as joining is an intention. Joining at its most basic level is about loving your partner and doing everything to increase the love between you until there is only love.

Joining with your partner will help you remember your wholeness To raise it to the next level, you simply imagine that the two of you are one person. In that way, any negative emotion can be accessed by both or either of you. As the emotion is felt by one or both people, it begins to melt away, bringing you and your partner closer together. If there is nothing in the way, you reach a state of joy. If there is something in the way, it was set there by the ego to keep you separate. Joining your partner allows you to burn through all the pain and defences between you, which builds your wholeness and your relationship.

If you get good at this exercise, you will win your heart back, balance your masculine and feminine sides, accelerate your healing, get over your fear of emotions, develop your feminine side and open up the mystical parts of your mind. It will increase your ability to receive and listen to both inner guidance and your partner. Joining builds rapport and increases your ability to connect with those around you.

Page 62 of 184

Ask for Heavens help with your Joining, engage the power of your higher mind, and begin to reach for Oneness of heart, mind and soul with your partner. This opens you up to bliss and the Oneness of spirit. Happy Joining!

Key Insights: Only moving toward your partner will move you on and allow your relationship to evolve. A problem can only exist in your life if there is separation between you and your partner. Joining with your partner will help you remember your own wholeness and perfection. Ask for Heavens help if you find it hard to move toward your partner.

Chapter 20

Emotions
This chapter explores how to deal with emotions in a mature way. Healing our emotions builds our wholeness and our relationship.

Developing emotional courage If you do not become courageous with regard to your emotions, you end up with armadillolike defences. This is a sure recipe for boredom and deadness. If, on the other hand, you get courageous about your emotions, you will become skilled at healing what comes up for you and your partner, adept at communication and responsive to those around you. It will also help you to cut through all the defences built up over a lifetime, passed down through your family and what your soul brought in to heal. It will also dissolve your fear of your partners emotions as you become confident with your own. This will then allow you to love and join them. Understanding emotions makes it easy to understand how your partner is acting and what they are going through. As you become less afraid of emotion, you will find it easier not to personalise how your partner is acting. You will realise that the patterns they are working through began long before they met you, and you will be more generous and forgiving toward them once you know this.

When people are not courageous about their emotions, they tend to react blindly toward others who trigger their pain. By having the courage to feel whatever emotions surface, you will Recognise
Page 63 of 184

that when emotions are triggered, you will not automatically react but Realise that you have a choice about how you will respond. You do not need to be directed by your emotions, and you do not have to bully others or try to pass the pain back to them. One aspect of a power struggle is that a painful emotion comes up either in you or your partner and whoever experiences the emotion tries to get rid of it by passing it on or by blaming their partner for how they feel. Maturity is taking responsibility for whatever you are experiencing emotionally in your life. Your present experience of pain is always rooted in a past event or experience. The event in the present simply triggers your old pain. If you are mature and willing to take responsibility for this, you will be grateful for the opportunity to heal this old emotion. If you are not afraid of your emotions, you will have the ability to look at things from a higher perspective and to act as a peacemaker in times of conflict.

Emotional courage is a great blessing. It allows you to be a good friend and even a healer. Commit to being able to heal any emotion by feeling it. Within your mind, there are dark nights of the soul that are defended by secondary emotions of self-hatred, misery and white-hot pain. None of these terrible emotions are ultimately true, but this does not stop us feeling them, even though they are dissociated. If you do not shy away from these dark emotions, you can transcend them and find the love and joy that is hidden beneath them. The darker the emotion, the greater the gifts and freedom it hides. Your emotional courage will make you an excellent support to your partner. It will allow you to help them get beyond their old pain, fear of love and having it all.

Exercise Today, pick out a painful event from the past. If you can still remember it as being painful, you have not fully healed it. When you do complete your healing, the event will look and feel totally different to you. Do not stop if you get to a place of non-feeling; that is a defence. You, like all the rest of us, have dissociated the exquisite love and rapture of Oneness. Now, it is time to win back what you have lost, emotion by emotion and defence by defence. Start with the old incident. Go back into it. Feel it as deeply as possible until the negative emotions melt away. This process will happen more easily if you think of someone you love while you are doing this. If while you are experiencing a dark emotion, you also feel some love, joy or grace focus on those feelings instead of the pain and the pain will melt away quicker. Do not stop until you have won yourself back. You will feel triumphant when you do.

Now choose an event with your partner that is unfinished and go back and feel all of that until you feel only peace and certainty. You can be doing this in the back of your mind while you are doing other tasks.
Page 64 of 184

Finally, feel and experience anything between you and your partner until you reach a place of transcendent love.

When you first begin this process, your attempt to get through an old incident may go slowly but keep at it. The rewards are great, even if it takes a week to get through the first one. Burn through all the emotion night and day. With intention, you can even do it during your sleep. You are about to enter a new realm of emotional courage and integrity. Fasten your seatbelt. The world will look and feel like a much different place once you get your heart back.

Key Insights: Emotional courage and ability to feel emotion improves how you relate to others and how you communicate. Understanding emotions helps you understand your partner better. Experiencing your emotions honestly allows you to react less and respond more. Any pain you experience in the present has its root in the past.

Chapter 21

Hatred
In this chapter hatred, and its effects on us and our relationships, are introduced. Subconscious and unconscious dynamics are explored to help you make a healthier choice about hatred and the part it plays in your life.

Understanding Hatred Hatred can spring up in you as a result of anything that brings up hurt and anger. For the more placid types, it takes an event that is heartbreaking for hatred to be roused. Hatred arises from the feeling that someone has done something utterly unacceptable, and you feel personally insulted: They betrayed me. They cheated me. They cheated on me. They used me. They broke my heart. They hurt someone I love. All of these are typical responses of people experiencing hatred. You feel justified in your hatred because you feel victimised by whatever it was that someone did.

Page 65 of 184

Hatred must, by its nature, contain elements of victimisation. You feel as if someone has harmed or infringed on you. Yet, at a subconscious level, only you can victimise yourself. By becoming a victim, you are getting revenge on people around you and from the past. You have planned this beforehand in your subconscious. The ego has used this event to make itself stronger by increasing separation.

Hatred also speaks of some loss. The truth is that you cannot lose something that you value or do not choose to lose. Of course, this is buried in your subconscious, but you can see it if you really want to find it. When your desire gets stronger than your denial, you will see what has been hidden in your own mind. Again, this is about taking responsibility and realising that you have chosen to lose this. You have planned this yourself. Of course, the good news is that this means you can change it.

Hatred contains anger, and like anger, does not discriminate in its attack. So while you may hate only one person, your hatred acts as a toxic energy that hits everyone you love and everyone around you. In the same way, the amount you hate someone is the amount you hate yourself. In this way, hatred and self-hatred become a vicious circle.

Hatred shows your level of resistance to life, relationships, yourself, your power, going forward and your purpose. Most of the time, your hatred is a tantrum, which communicates that someone did not live up to your expectations of them. Yet, in fact, on the subconscious level they acted exactly as you wished them to act even though it was for some mistaken purpose. This mistaken purpose might be revenge, control, independence, hiding or running away from your purpose. In this way, your hatred serves to give you an excuse to do what you want.

Hatred throws your whole life out of perspective and pushes something in your face that belongs in the background. This issue is actually a lesson that contains a great deal of past pain and old hatred. The present situation can serve as a springboard forward if you use the opportunity for healing or it can be a situation your life revolves around because you never mature beyond it. The choice is yours.

Hatred and self-hatred are very bad for your health. The self-attack and lack of self-love present in hatred can have catastrophic and even lethal effects on your body. I have frequently worked on this issue with people with major illnesses.

Page 66 of 184

Taking responsibility for your hatred At the unconscious level, no one does anything to you that you are not already doing to yourself, or have done to others. That someone did this to you reflects one of your self-concepts, that you do not identify with as you, that you have as part of your self-identity. The person you hate mirrors part of your own mind. You can find this conflict within acted out through the deepest of unconscious patterns.

At unconscious levels, hatred is either directly or indirectly part of deep patterns of authority conflict, which like fear and separation, is a part of every problem. Your authority conflict goes all the way back to your authority conflict with God. This occurs at the deepest part of the unconscious mind where you gave up Oneness for separation and building an ego. This is the deepest trap of the unconscious mind and goes back to the first separation. Hatred originates in the self-hatred that was experienced in the Fall, the first separation. As you heal these areas of your mind, you regain grace, power, joy, will and your being. You know yourself as a spirit rather than a body.

Hatred is destructive to your life, your partner, your family and friends, your health and your success. It means you will carry baggage that will cause separation and blocks between you and others and between you and life.

Healing your Hatred This need not be, if you have the courage to face the fear that drove you to find a partner or situation to stop yourself. You may feel that they used you, but in fact, you have been using them to hold yourself back. Your hatred is a ferocious way to point your attention away from your fear and avoid the real problem.

Find out what your fear is, but do not keep it. As soon as you find it, give it to Heaven immediately to transform for you.

If you do not recognise that you have a spiritual connection, ask yourself who needs your help. When that person comes to mind, see the fear between you and them. Will you let that stop you from helping that person who needs your help? Or will you push past that fog of hatred and fear to help and support them?
Page 67 of 184

It is vital that you see this hated person or situation as an opportunity for healing. Otherwise, you will focus your energy on the past and cut off the possibility of good things coming.

Dealing with nightmares There is a vicious circle between hatred and nightmares. When your nightmares come to the surface from under your denial, they can finally be transformed. Nightmares are terror-based dreams that you have dreamed to suit some mistaken purpose but, once again, this need not be. You can ask your own creative mind or Heaven to dispel the nightmare by showing you the truth. This will dispel the fear eating away at your life. When you are small, your parents can show you that clothes thrown over a chair are not monsters or dragons. Sometimes, someone around you will have enough awareness to be able to show you that your nightmares are not real and help you awaken to a better reality. But if there is no one who can see past your nightmare to show you the way out, you can ask Heaven or your own higher mind to dispel your nightmare and show you the truth. Through this principle alone, you could free yourself and those you love.

Today, let go of your hatred and self-hatred that is always a part of the nightmares in your life.

Key Insights: You can only feel hatred if you feel victimised by another. If you hate one person you affect everyone you love with this energy. Hatred shows your level of resistance to life, relationships, yourself, your power, going forward and your partner. The way through is to take responsibility for your hatred.

Chapter 22

The Need for Change

This chapter outlines how every problem we have represents our resistance to change. Our willingness to change brings about the movement forward that leads to resolution of problems along with greater success and intimacy.

Page 68 of 184

Change starts with you A crisis in a relationship points to the need for change. If you have been trying to force your partner to change, it means that you have been refusing to change yourself. The extent of your demands on them prove that. If you made the change, the energetic invitation would be irresistible for your partner to step forward with you. Everything you demand of your partner is something you are not giving either to yourself or to them. Every emergency in a relationship speaks of the need for a new birth. It may look like your partner is the one who is screwing up badly, but they could not be that way unless you were screwing up badly, too. If they are failing, you are proving subconsciously that you are superior to them, morally superior if nothing else. You are winning the competition and losing the relationship. You are being asked to change. If you do not, life usually finds a more dramatic and painful way to get you moving. Yet, there is a better, easier way that would bring about a new renaissance for yourself and your relationship. How your partner is acting is subconscious collusion. The situation serves a purpose for you. This is some ego agenda to give you an excuse or be right about something. In your subconscious, everything occurs as you planned it. You can only be upset if someone is not living up to the script that you assigned them; yet, subconsciously, they are acting exactly the way you want them to. While it may put you into a victim or sacrifice position, both of these positions are ones that you can use to hide, avoid your purpose and justify an indulgence, not to mention getting to have things your way.

Now, it is time to change. If you do, your partner will change with you for the better. It is crucial not to hide your mistakes under their mistakes or you will not make the changes crucial for you and your partners happiness.

Your life and your relationship may be good, but they can always be better. For this to occur, you must be willing to keep changing. You will not become something or someone other than who you are, but you will become more of your true and essential self. Realise that you are the one who is called to change. Accomplish that and everything else will fall into place.

Committing to change At some level, every problem is a fear of change. Its a fear that if you go forward, you will lose something rather than have things be better. You pile up problems, difficulties and all manner of issues because of your fear of change. Yet, change is always for the good, unless it is a regression, which is not true change. When you regress, it simply shows what needs to be healed. Change is in your best interest
Page 69 of 184

and that of your relationship. If you are not satisfied, abundant or happy, then it is necessary for you to change. Go for it.

Commit to the change now.

Commit to the next stage in relationship for you both. Commit to the better way. Commit to leaping forward with your partner. The change to a better way is waiting for you to accept it. Would you say yes and open the door to it now and continuously throughout your relationship? This is all that is necessary to bring change to you if you are sincere.

Key Insights: Change starts with you. If you have been trying to force your partner to change it means you have been refusing to change yourself. Every problem signifies a fear of change. Commit to change and a better way for your relationship.

Chapter 23

Any Bad Feeling You Have

The purpose of this chapter is to deepen our understanding of emotions. It is hard to have a successful relationship if we do not take responsibility for what we are feeling. This chapter presents the specific dynamics of the most common emotions. Taking responsibility for your emotions

Any bad feeling you have is your responsibility. No one else can make you feel anything. Most people react so quickly when an emotion is triggered that they do not know they have a choice. The current event is simply triggering an emotion you already have inside. All your pain is past pain. Once you know this and become accountable for your emotions, you have a choice. When something triggers pain in you, you can choose whether you will use it for healing or to compound the pain that was already inside.

Page 70 of 184

If you blame your emotion on others, you make yourself a victim and disempower yourself, not just as a onetime experience, but as part of a whole pattern. If you do not take responsibility to heal your emotions, they will run you.

To believe that someone could make you feel guilt, anger or hurt is to believe that people could unscrew the top of your head and crawl inside you, hitting your guilt button, stepping on the throttle of your anger, squeezing your heart to hurt you, et cetera. You live as if you believe this to be true so that you do not have to take responsibility for your emotions.

For instance, if I started ranting to you that you should not have robbed the bank, stating that it was dishonest and wrong, would you feel guilty?

You could only feel guilty if you had actually robbed a bank or had a lot of guilt in general.

But if I said you have not been a good enough parent to your children, partner to your partner or child to your parents, you might be more likely to feel guilty if you had any guilt at all about any of these things. That is because the guilt was already inside you. I would simply have triggered something that was already there.

Here are some of the dynamics that bring about your major emotions:

Fear Resistance. Living in the future. Comes from attack thoughts, judgments and your projection of
what you are doing (attack) as coming back to you from the world (fear), comes from deep loss and the urgency of your needs.

Guilt Self-blame, self-attack and self-punishment. Resistance. Used to hide fear of going forward.
Chronic guilt is attack on God. Super-glues you to where you are stuck. Failure. Chronic guilt is arrogant, contains specialness and dark glamour. A monument to a mistake.

Hurt Resistance. Refusal to accept. Rejecting something or someone. Projection of our rejection.
Page 71 of 184

Heartbreak Part of a fight. Shattered dreams. Revenge. Emotional blackmail. Rejection and refusal to
accept.

Revenge Resistance. An attempt to hurt another because of hurt that you have sustained. Direct
attack, withdrawal or hurting yourself to get back at another. There is a vicious circle of heartbreak and revenge.

Sadness The experience of loss. Something you did not fully value and so was lost. Lost bonding.
Separation.

Sacrifice and Unworthiness Compensation for guilt and fear. Giving without receiving. Not giving
yourself. Surreptitious taking and using another, not valuing yourself. Using others to hold yourself back because of fear.

Holding On Attachment An inappropriate defence to deal with loss, needs and fear.
Compensation. Looking for others to meet your needs. A form of wanting to use others.

Frustration and Disappointment Comes from expectations, hidden demands and needs.
Demands show what you are not giving to yourself and others.

Lust An attempt to meet old needs, especially feeling unloved by taking in a sexual way
from another. Using another to meet your needs.

Dissociated Independence Compensating for loss, need, fear, heartbreak, jealousy, guilt,
failure and sacrifice.

Control Compensation for fear and heartbreak. The need to have things your way. Lack of
confidence.

Page 72 of 184

Anger A protective emotion for need, fear, loss, hurt, jealousy, guilt, frustration or simply
not getting things your way. Emotional tantrum. Attempt to control others. Bullying. Displacement.

Blame Comes from your guilt projected on others. Hides self-blame. Fear of going forward. Form
of fighting.

All negative emotion has its root in separation, fear and authority conflict. They express need and are a call for love and help. They are a form of resistance about going forward. You will use them to indicate a need for healing or as an excuse to do something you want to do or not do something you do not want to do. They are an attempt to gain control and have things your way. A negative emotion is a form of hiding, used as an excuse to dissociate (cut off from our heart) and become independent. It reflects fear of a gift, yourself, another or God. It shows where you are using another to hold yourself back. It is transferred from the past as unfinished business. It is a defence against a more painful emotion, which is a defence against something wonderful. It is a form of fighting and emotional blackmail. Dissociation, on the other hand, is an attempt to cover and compensate for emotion and need, while deeper emotion and need are a compensation for some gift, grace or reward.

Emotional Maturity By dealing in a positive, mature and healing manner with your emotions, you build your relationships through healing. Through communication and transformation of your emotions, you build bridges to your partner, bringing trust and peace to your relationship. If you use your emotion as an excuse to react, you will hold your relationship hostage to your emotional indulgence. If you dissociate emotion that needs to be healed, you generate more and more deadness in your relationship. Your courage to face your emotions and heal them balances the masculine and feminine energies within. This automatically leads to success and intimacy in relationships.

Key Insights: Any bad feeling you have is your responsibility. Nobody can make you feel anything. There are a number of key dynamics at the root of your emotional reactions. Understanding these key motivations helps you work through your feelings in a mature way. Through communication about your emotions, you move closer to your partner.

Page 73 of 184

Chapter 24

The First Cut is the Deepest

In this chapter I introduce the idea that all pain is from the past as part of a pattern that began long before the present event. I then present the Intuitive Method as a way to go back and free yourself of past pain that is showing up in present problems by transforming the root of the situation.

The Principle of Transference All pain is rooted in the past. I learned this vividly in my work in the 1970s and early 1980s. Later, I learned that this was a key principle in Psychiatry called transference. It was also stated quite clearly in

A Course in Miracles and Gestalt therapys idea of continuing to bring unfinished business into the present
until it is healed and the lesson is learned. I learned as I went on that victim situations come from relationship patterns. Relationship patterns come from family patterns. And family patterns come from soul and ancestral patterns. Soul and ancestral patterns make up the unconscious mind. They come from the deepest level of the authority conflict that generates the ego and separation instead of Oneness.

As you learn this principle of transference, commit it to memory and apply it to each and every situation without fail. If you do this successfully, you will naturally take a healing attitude toward everything that comes up. This will cause a lot less wear and tear on those around you because you will be a lot less likely to attack, blame and judge. It will also lend maturity and responseability to your relationship, to your partner and the situations that come up for healing. I have found that chronic situations usually have a number of significant roots in the past. As each one is healed, the present situation that they generated, lightens. At times, I have also experienced the remission of catastrophic illnesses with one healing of some past situation. I have seen people recover so quickly from accidents that they left their doctor is a state of wonder and confusion. All because they used the accident as a gateway to open up the past patterns that were ripe for healing.

I have also seen it take ten sessions to get to the root of a chronic yeast infection. Sometimes, you can hit the nail on the head, and sometimes, you must keep healing layer by layer until the root becomes available.

Page 74 of 184

Exercise So with your present relationship problem, ask yourself if it has any roots in your adult life. If it does, with whom and about what? Here is an efficacious bonding exercise that can transform the roots of any problem. See lines of light connecting you with everyone in that old situation. As you are connected, witness how bonding changes the past situation emotionally and in appearance. Once again, connect with everyone in the situation with lines of light and, once again, watch the effect. Keep doing this with everyone in that scene. Witness the change in the feeling and situation after each bonding. You can do this exercise until the scene and emotion are completely transformed. Actually, you can do this until the whole scene turns to light and joy. The only time it will get worse is if there is a lot of emotion impacted beneath the initial scene or if there is a direct connection to the unconscious. Then it gets worse for a scene or two before it starts to get better. It will always transform unless you are using the past for an excuse to indulge yourself or to have control in your relationship now rather than equality.

Next, ask yourself how old you were as a child when the root of this present problem began. If you had a trauma in adolescence or in your teenage years, you will find a root either in childhood or in the womb. Repeat the bonding exercise. There is no situation that bonding would not heal. Do this bonding exercise until the scene, you, and everyone in the situation are feeling happy. Again, this will always work unless there are other agendas.

If you have a root in childhood or at birth, ask yourself if there are any roots to this problem that began in the womb or at conception. If there are, do the bonding exercise in that scene with all involved through your mind. Where there is separation, there will be many layers of negative emotion. Bonding heals those negative emotions and generates love, success, freedom and ease.

Now, ask yourself if theres an ancestral problem being passed down through your mothers or fathers side of the family. Ask yourself how many generations ago it began.

Ask yourself if it began with a man, a woman or both. Ask yourself what occurred that created the problem with those ancestors. Go back to before the original problem and do the bonding exercise until the scene is one of great joy and success. Then imagine this being passed down through the family instead of the problem.

Page 75 of 184

Now ask yourself if you were to know: Did you have a past lifetime story that is part of the root of this pattern?

If so, if you were to know what country you were living in at that time, it is the country that is now called

If you were to know if you were a man or a woman, you were probably a

If you were to know what occurred back there that led to this current problem, it was probably something like

Now go back to that scene and, with Heavens help, re-bond everyone with light. Do this until there is only joy. If you have to go back earlier in that life story to before the problem in order to generate the bonding, then do so. Notice the effect this has on the whole story.

Once this is healed, bring all of your positive feelings from either ancestral or other lifetime stories up to the present. You may find that there are other childhood, ancestral or past-life issues that you need to heal to help transform the current situation. You can do this with ease by repeating the bonding exercise.

The next layer of the unconscious contains great soul-level gifts but also holds the unconscious level traps. These were all set up to support separation and the building of your ego. You can skip this symptom layer for now and examine the authority conflict that led to these deep patterns. Again, bonding can reduce and heal the symptoms that are the foundation of our ego. This will then be replaced with greater partnership, love, creativity, joy and innocence. As you bond at this level, embrace these feelings and bring them into yourself until you feel them strongly.

You can repeat this same bonding exercise with your partner. In your imagination, you can even do these exercises for them, using your intuition and bringing bonding for them into their past painful situations. This leaves the past in the past and brings the gifts and grace forward.

Page 76 of 184

Now, come to the present situation and do the bonding exercise with everyone involved. Bonding brings both roots and wings. It brings truth, ease and freedom. It brings about mutuality and partnership. Every problem shows a place of fear, separation and conflict. Bonding restores love and connection and helps, everyone move forward together toward new levels of success.

This is an excellent exercise to heal past trauma and remove any post-traumatic stress unless, of course, as I stated that you are using this condition for some hidden agenda. Then you will find resistance to having this exercise succeed. Those who want help will find it even in impossible situations because it is Heavens Will, and it is also your deepest will.

Key Insights: All pain is rooted in the past. When we draw this into a present situation it is called transference. Applying this principle to everything in your life transforms negative situations and problems.

Chapter 25

Its All Equal

This chapter presents the collusional aspect of relationships and how anything a partner is doing, we are doing also. Also in this chapter, I introduce the great healing principle of equality, which has the power to balance a relationship and leap it forward.

Though it may not look to be the case, everything in a relationship is equal. Once you understand this, you are not so quick to blame. If you love rather than blame, your relationship can grow and if you refuse to love, you will be left feeling angry and small but superior. You feel cheated by how your partner is acting when, in fact, you are cheating yourself.

I once worked with a young couple. The man had a drug addiction, and his wife had no obvious addictions. Nine months after he had stopped taking drugs, he had a night out on the town and used drugs once more. His wife and I searched for her part in this, we examined where she might have been equally indulgent. We discovered that she had been flirting with someone in one of her graduate classes at the same time that he had been using. This took place only in her own mind as there was not much overt
Page 77 of 184

action. It turned out that it was a night where they were both flirting; he was considering going back to drugs, and she was thinking about a new relationship. When she recognised this, it helped her affirm and recommit to the relationship. She recognised how crucial her love and attention were to her husbands recovery. After this, he had no further relapses.

I have worked with couples where one partner was out of integrity sexually and the other partner was out of integrity to the same extent emotionally through their demands, neediness or control. The husband was trying to indulge himself outside the relationship, and the wife was indulging herself inside the relationship. Sometimes, it is obvious where both partners are indulging, and, sometimes, it is more hidden and denied. It can really help a partner take responsibility for themselves and the relationship, forgive their partner and help redeem them. Remember, blame and judgment come from guilt, and all three aspects will completely stop a relationship from going forward in a certain area if not in the whole relationship. It is important to forgive others and yourself for seeming lapses because forgiveness is a powerful form of love and healing that benefits both of you.

In marriage counselling, I had partners complain that they were the only one bringing money into the relationship or the only one helping the relationship grow. But when they really examined the relationship, they could see that their partner was making a contribution in other areas. This was always the case unless one partner was seeking to have their partner fail, so they could leave the relationship or win the competition.

But there are other areas of hidden equality, such as where one partner is independent and the other dependent. The dependent partner is showing how much dependency is being compensated for by the independent partner. It is the same with jealousy. One partner may seem to be the jealous one, but they are simply showing how much the other has compensated for or dissociated it.

Besides areas that need to be healed, it is equal on the positive side also. For instance, the extent to which you surrender to your partner will be equal to the extent to which they surrender to you. The amount you commit to your partner will be the amount they commit to you. This is also true for love: the amount you truly love them will be the amount they love you.

Page 78 of 184

Committing to Equality Committing to equality in a relationship is one of the most helpful things you can do because equality rebalances the relationship. Given the amount that comes up for healing, you and your partner could use equality to realign yourselves every couple of days. This will help you make contact, head in the same direction and clean up any area where judgment or independence might be at play. Judgment is always used to allow us to separate and act superior to others. If you are independent, you will want to remain in control and do things your way. Equality can pull you or your partner out of an emotional hole you may fall into. It helps you through mood swings and the ups and downs of life. It has the ability to leap both you and your partner forward to a new step in your relationship.

Commit to equality with your partner. Any time there is anything other than love, peace or true contact between you, recommit to equality.

Look for any area where there is a conflict because of what you or your partner are doing. Look for what you might be doing that is equal to what they are doing.

If you are complaining that you are the only one making a contribution in one area of the relationship, look to where they may be making a contribution in another area.

Be willing to forgive your partner and yourself for the lack of equality in your relationship. Your love grows with your equality. Commit to it.

Key Insights: Everything in a relationship is equal. Commit to equality it will rebalance your relationship and keep it healthy. Any time there is anything other than love, peace or true contact between you and your partner, recommit to equality.

Page 79 of 184

Chapter 26

No Bad Guys
This chapter introduces an important aspect of accountability. It shows how blame destroys relationships and is a defence to hide guilt, which is self-punishing and self-destructive. This chapter presents ways to explore how you are using bad guys to hide fear, guilt, indulgence and excuses.

This is an important principle if you are to succeed in relationships. There are no bad guys. There are only wounded people in need of help, ignorant people in need of education and people who simply do not know what they are doing in relationships or in any other category.

If there are any bad guys in your life, it refers to your own hidden self-concepts of guilt. If there are any bad guys, there will be punishment for everyone. Certainly, the extent of your judgment and blame is the extent of your hidden (or not so hidden) guilt and also the extent of your self-punishment. If you feel innocent, you do not judge; you simply see that someone needs help. I have worked with people who have done some of the most heinous things to other people, and it is always because equally heinous things were done to them. This is not to excuse any such behaviour on their part but to show the reason for their behaviour and help your understanding of it.

People do not get better unless you give to them. When someone fails you as a partner, it shows the hidden competition meant to demonstrate that you were the very best one and that your partner is a bad guy or at least not as good as you. Your partner is an easy target, and you will naturally project onto each other. The sooner you give up the notion of bad guys, the more you can respond in a mature way that will help your partner, your relationship and your life. I have found that people are doing the best they can, given inner and outer circumstances, but that everyone can do better. It is easy to write someone off as a bad guy. It takes much more courage, desire to change and sheer determination to make a relationship work when there is a problem. There is no fairytale, no-problem relationship. We would all have to be more whole for that to take place. But we can do and give our very best.

Taking responsibility When you label someone as a bad guy, you take no responsibility for the situation, but you cannot blame another unless you have guilt about the same thing. Your projected bad guy shows you your own
Page 80 of 184

guilt. Their acting badly toward you could be your mistaken solution to your guilt.. You may be having them behave this way toward you to punish yourself. This is a buried pattern, of course.

All relationships are a form of collusion. Only by realising this and taking responsibility do you begin to uncover subconscious patterns, ego agendas and even soul injuries that you have come to heal in this time and place. Because every negative emotion is an illusion, it naturally changes when there is understanding or truth, so that your perception and experience are completely transformed.

If you do not accept the principle that there are no bad guys, you will be locked into your past, blindly living a life of judgments, fights and revenge. Then you will do to others metaphorically, if not literally, what was done to you. You will live a life of righteousness to hide and compensate for how wrong you feel underneath.

Exercise Look back on your life. Who do you consider to be a bad guy? What is it you refuse to get over? What fear is it hiding? What excuse is it hiding? What indulgence does it hide? What guilt does it hide? How have you been punishing yourself? Finally, what gift does this all hide?

Past Bad Guys 1. 2. 3. 4.

What I Am Refusing to Get Over 1. 2. 3. 4.

What Fear This Hides 1. 2. 3. 4.

Page 81 of 184

What Excuse This Gives Me 1. 2. 3. 4.

What Indulgence I Get to Have or Keep 1. 2. 3. 4.

What I Have Felt Guilt About and How I Have Punished Myself 1. 2. 3. 4.

Gift 1. 2. 3. 4.

Where Present Partner is a Bad Buy 1. 2. 3. 4.

What I Am Refusing to Get Over 1. 2. 3. 4.

What Fear This Hides 1. 2. 3. 4.

What Excuse This Gives Me 1. 2. 3. 4.

What Indulgence I Get to Have or Keep 1. 2. 3. 4.

Page 82 of 184

What I Have Felt Guilt About and How I Have Punished Myself 1. 2. 3. 4.

You can let the past go and embrace the gift instead. You will not only be a better person but also a better partner. Love and Innocence will show you the way.

Key Insights: There are no bad guys just people in need of help. If you feel innocent you do not judge; you simply see that someone needs support. Your projected bad guy shows your own guilt. Only seeing your own innocence and that of others will free you of feeling like a victim and judging others.

Chapter 27

The Power of Trust

This chapter introduces the healing power of trust. There is no problem that trust cannot heal. When we trust, negative situations unfold in paradoxical ways until there is only success. Trust is using the power of the mind in a positive direction to bring truth to the situation.

Conflict in Relationship If you are having trouble in your relationship, your mind is split, which means it is heading in two directions and wanting two different outcomes. For instance, you may be wanting to love your partner and have a happy relationship, and, on the other hand, you may want to control and have things your way out of fear. This conflict within yourself naturally gives rise to conflict outside. You may not believe
Page 83 of 184

you are the one fighting or instigating the fight, but it always takes two to fight. What a conflict shows you is that you are in conflict within yourself. It can be helpful to be aware of this because, otherwise, the inner conflict keeps eating away at you, your health, success and relationship without any understanding of what is taking place.

When you find yourself in conflict, you could ask your own creative mind to integrate all the conflicted parts of your mind at however many levels the conflict goes down in your mind. You will know when this is complete because you will experience peace.

Exercising Trust Trust is a powerful healing tool. As it states in A Course in Miracles, there is no problem trust cannot heal. Like forgiveness, trust has the power to transform all that plagues us.

To trust is to put the power of your mind toward a positive outcome. Trust is knowing that things will work out for the best in spite of how things look.

Trust is a choice you make about how you will use your mind, either toward love or toward fear. Fear and worry are forms of attack and self-attack, which are built on judgment. To worry about someone is a form of judgment out of concern that is both an attack on them and on yourself. To worry about someone out of concern is to attack them with your own fear. Trust on the other hand, will give you confidence in the situation, your partner and the outcome. When you trust, the situation can unfold toward a positive end.

Today, make a choice to trust the situation to evolve to the truth so that a happy outcome may be experienced. Trust the unfolding process. Trust that there will be a positive outcome in spite of how things appear. Trust yourself, your partner and any other players in the situation. Things may look bleak, but trust brings the light. It employs the immense power of your mind to set things right.

Page 84 of 184

Key Insights: Conflict in your life comes about as a result of your own inner conflict. There is no problem that trust cannot heal. Trust is a choice you make about how you will use your mind, either toward love or toward fear.

Chapter 28

This Problem is a Form of Self-Attack

In this chapter I show you how every negative situation reflects a place where we are attacking ourselves. Self-attack is the number one problem in the world and most of us are blind to it, having dissociated most of our feelings of unworthiness, guilt and self-hatred.

The Nature of Self-Attack It may surprise you to learn how destructive the dynamic of self-attack is. Everything the world or anyone has ever done against you has been a form of your own self-attack. Every time you have separated or lost bonding, you have decided to like yourself less. This has occurred to such an extent that within you (and all of us,) there are deep wells of self-hatred. You punish yourself for guilt, which also comes about as the result of any separation. All of your fear, worry and every negative thing any partner has ever done to you was a way you used to attack yourself. This self-attack stems from the original split in your mind when you, like everyone else, began projecting out all that you judged in yourself. To keep your ego identity intact, which you thought would save you, you split off from your mind what you had judged about yourself. This split mind proved intolerable and so you projected out what you were antagonistic toward. Thus, you see the world as antagonistic to you, but where it is attacking toward you, its actually an expression of your own self-hatred. When someone attacks or hurts you, it is not personal but is driven by patterns that have probably been inside them for a very long time. On the other hand, what you had them do to you in the way of self-attack was very personal on your part against yourself.

When your self-attack and self-hatred reach lethal levels, you begin heading in a death direction. Every heartbreak you have had has been a way of attacking yourself, your partner and your parents. Every heartbreak you have is part of a fight with others and with yourself. Naturally, you will hide from yourself the realisation that you are attacking yourself.
Page 85 of 184

Healing Self-Attack This problem, which is a vicious circle of guilt-self-attackfear, will naturally cause you major relationship problems. These patterns can be transformed, though, and I will present three different ways in which to do this. The first two healing methods are more of the mind while the last one is more of the spirit. 1. A place of self-attack is any place where you have stopped loving yourself. When you love and respect yourself, you would never use another to abuse or disrespect you.

Ask yourself if you were to know when you started attacking yourself in the way that led to the present circumstances or problems.

Ask yourself, if you were to know, who was involved.

Ask yourself if you were to know, what went on that you decided to attack yourself

No matter what went on, the decision to attack yourself was a mistaken decision that has exacerbated whatever occurred back there. To change it, you simply need to love yourself back at that time. Whatever occurred indicated a place where you took in anothers lack of self-love, but it was your own self-attack that brought this event about. Now, go back and supply love to others and yourself in that situation. This heals the fear-loss that led to that incident. This incident can be healed so profoundly that the whole situation can be transformed. If you feel you cannot muster love for yourself or anyone in that situation, then sit quietly and let yourself receive Heavens love for you and the people in the situation. If more is needed because you have not allowed yourself to be in relationship with Heaven, then let the love of anyone who has ever loved you come into that situation for yourself and the others. As others have the need supplied that led them to act in a negative fashion, then your healing becomes even more profound. You caught this problem. Now you have the opportunity to free both you and them. Their negative behaviour came from lack, and love supplies what was lacking.

You can do this same exercise again to transform the trauma that was antecedent to the one you just healed (transference). In other words, what happened that began your self-attack was

Page 86 of 184

actually part of a pattern that began earlier. If you were to know when that began, it was at the age of

Repeat the same exercise as to generate wholeness where there was self-attack. In this way, you can go back restoring bonding to yourself and others. This automatically generates more wholeness and love in your present situation. This exercise can be done every day to heal more situations that have contributed to the present one.

No situation just happens. It is not a solitary incident but the fruit of a whole tree. All problems are, in truth, past problems and you can succeed to ever-greater heights and depths with your partner, as you heal the past.

2. Every problem and negative situation is a defence that is meant to hide something wonderful. When you embrace what is wonderful the new gift or intimacy or miracle - the defence or symptom becomes unnecessary and is immediately released. Find what this present trouble hides and accept and receive it. Share it with your partner. The extent to which the situation clears up is the extent to which you have accepted all that has been hidden under the compensation of the defence. If the problem is not fully healed, there is more love and bonding that remains to be embraced.

3. Turn the symptom and the fear and self-attack generating it over to Heaven to be undone for you. It may come off all at once if you are courageous or tired enough of the issue or it may come off layer by layer. In which case, you simply turn it over again and again until you and your partner are at a whole new level of love.

Key Insights: Every negative situation reflects a place where we are attacking ourselves. Everything the world or anyone has ever done against you has been a form of your own self-

attack.
When someone attacks or hurts you, it is not personal but is driven by patterns that have probably been inside them for a very long time. Revisit the exercises in this chapter when you notice self-attack arising in your world.
Page 87 of 184

Chapter 29

How Does This Serve You?

This chapter begins the exploration of the subconscious mind. Everything serves a purpose for us as human beings. We see that this is true once we begin to explore the dynamics of ego agenda that lead to our problems. It continues the exploration of accountability and the subconscious factors always present in any problem. These subconscious factors are denied, dissociated and defended against which is what keeps us from finding and healing the real issue.

Everything serves you This is an important lesson in understanding the nature of your own mind. As a human being, everything that happens to you serves a purpose for you. You are a purposeful being and everything that is occurring in your life serves you in some way. Consciously, in negative situations, we do not realise that this is occurring. Yet, in any negative situation going on for you, it is one in which you have bought into an ego agenda instead of loving yourself. If you were loving yourself, it would be impossible for this to be occurring. Your hidden patterns, choices and intentions are relegated to the subconscious mind. You have denied and dissociated what you do not find acceptable in your thoughts and desires. This does not stop it from affecting you and affecting events in your life that seem untoward or even destructive. Our tendency for self-destructive patterns is evidenced simply by looking at the nightly news. In a relationship crisis, this self-attack becomes personal to us. This is not your true will for yourself, but it is your egos will. You need not keep investing in it. In truth, the problem will only last as long as you give it power. It is helpful to do this consciously, but it is also helpful to bring subconscious patterns into the light of day and make new decisions.

The power of taking responsibility for your life It may seem hard for you to believe that you could be choosing the present situation if it is negative. But once you have experience with your own subconscious, you will realise that it is a common occurrence. After two years of counselling, I had many mind-blowing experiences as I began to learn about the subconscious in my own personal and professional life. It was the beginning of a whole new way of thinking. That was thirty-three years ago and each year I discover more.

My life, relationships and success have completely transformed as a result of my taking accountability for my life. I offer you these insights so that you can heal your present situation. You are the only one who
Page 88 of 184

can do this, with Heavens help, of course. When you blame someone, you remain a helpless victim, caught in a self-defeating pattern. When you take responsibility, you can change it and acknowledge that, while every situation is collusional because you are accountable, you can change the situation and free yourself and your partner.

When I first began to help people with their relationships, I believed that they were 50-50 in terms of responsibility. Then I realised that they were 100-100. Finally, I Realised that it was 100% my responsibility. As each of these realisations took place, my relationship became more successful. If you find where you have willed this present trap and change your mind, you will change your relationship and your world.

Exercise So, if you are ready, let us begin. Let us examine your primary relationship problem. Later, you can examine other major problems in the past or present.

Let us pretend that you wanted this relationship problem to happen. Now I know that consciously you could never have wanted this to occur, but for the sake of exploration, let us pretend that you did want it to happen

How come?

How could you possibly want that?

How does it serve you?

If you keep coming up with a blank, work on your desire to know yourself and find what you have hidden away. It will help you immensely. This is not an exercise in changing the blame from your partner to yourself. Guilt will not help at all. Blame and guilt are two weapons the ego uses to build itself and to keep the situation from changing for the better. The ego builds itself in problems and melts away in solution.

Page 89 of 184

What does this situation allow you to do?

What is it that you do not have to do because of this situation?

Dwell and meditate on your situation. Imagine this is exactly what you want. When answers do come to you and you fully own responsibility for these mistaken decisions, this is the time to choose what it is you really want. Even if you agree with what you find hidden away, realise that only if you both win, can you have true partnership and a happy relationship. Secondly, realise that whatever you have been trying to accomplish could be done easily, gracefully and without pain. There can be an easy birth to a new level rather than a traumatic one.

Key insights: Everything that is occurring in your life serves you in some way. The only way to win back your power is to take responsibility for your life: if you find where you have willed this present trap and change your mind, you will change your relationship and your world.

Chapter 30

Further Explorations of the Subconscious

This is a chapter that delves further into the subconscious taking some of the biggest dynamics that are part of any problem and elucidating them. The chapter is presented as an exercise to find the roots of your biggest problems in relationship.

Before you get started in this chapter, I want you to think of your biggest relationship problem and then choose five numbers between one to forty-four. Write these five numbers down. The ones you pick first are the most crucial ones. I ask you to write them down because in the face of deeper exploration, people tend to change their numbers, and this will not be helpful. Be brave. It is your mind, and it is time for you to take ownership of it. It is the most powerful gift you have besides your love.

Page 90 of 184

Begin by asking your own higher mind for help. It already has all of the answers that you need. Now is the time to discover what you have hidden away and to immediately give it to your higher mind, whose job it is to transform problems for you.

Your subconscious is like a computer that you have programmed. Any time you are not consciously choosing the truth, it goes off in the direction toward which it was programmed. Sometimes, these choices are made in a split second and repressed and some are even made below the level of your conscious mind. If you take full responsibility for any situation and immediately turn it over to your higher mind or Heaven to undo it for you, you can transform the effects of your mistaken decisions. This is a simple but profound healing principle.

Your subconscious is neutral, but you can program it positively. You can do this by simply going into a relaxed, meditative state and making choices for yourself, your partner and your relationship. Do this forcefully, vividly and positively. The subconscious does not hear nots so unless you put a positive statement on one side or the other, it can program you negatively. For instance, if I ask you not to think of a white polar bear, what is on your mind?

You may even want to record your positive programming, so when you get into a relaxed state, just before sleep or when you have wakened when the ego has least hold on you, you can play your recording, listening to it in that relaxed state.

Here are the forty-four key dynamics that are stopping you. Every one of these dynamics is true for every problem, but there may be some here that are key for you. Check out the five numbers that you chose against this list as your key dynamics for your present relationship pattern.

Page 91 of 184

1. Fear of the next step 2. Fear of loss 3. Controlling yourself or your partner or both 4. Fear of a gift that the problem hides 5. Guilt 6. Withdrawal 7. Grievance 8. Judgment 9. Shadow Figure 10. Holding On 11. Martyring Yourself 12. Independence 13. Attempt to fulfil a need 14. Complaints 15. Power struggle 31. Family Roles 32. Hiding 33. Transference 34. Being Right 35. My Way 36. Authority Conflict 37. Karma

16. Revenge 17. Taking 18. Rejection 19. Fusion (lost boundaries) 20. The Oedipus Conspiracy 21. Fear of Our Purpose 22. Fear of Your Relationships Purpose 23. An Excuse 24. Indulgence 25. Attempting to Prove Your Love for Someone 26. Specialness 27. Self-Attack 28. Negative Belief Systems 29. Competition 30. Roles 38. Inner Conflict 39. Sacrifice 40. Need for Attention 41. Separation 42. Testing 43. Projection 44. Fear of Commitment

Of course, there are many other dynamics, some of which I shall address as we go forward.

Here is a short explanatory exposition of the forty-four principles.

Page 92 of 184

1. Fear of the Next Step

There is a fear of going forward because of feelings of inadequacy and fear of not being able to handle the next step. The size of the problem shows how big the next step is that the problem attempts to distract you from.

2. Fear of Loss
All fear comes down to a fear of loss. There is paralysis about going forward, as there is a thought that you will lose something precious to you if you do. Consciously, you may want to go forward, but there is a hidden part of you that fears you will lose.

3. Control
The problem is an attempt to control another to do what you want or an attempt to control yourself out of fear you may go wild. Control comes from fear and old heartbreaks.

4. Fear of a Gift
Under every problem, there is a wonderful gift. You recognise the size of the gift by the size of the problem, which is a defence or denial of the gift.

5. Guilt
Every problem is an attempt to pay off guilt.

6. Withdrawal
The problem is both a withdrawal and an excuse to withdraw even more.

7. Grievance
Every problem is a finger of accusation pointed at another stating, If only you had not done this, this problem could have never befallen me. A situation of blame is at the root of all problems. Grievances generate problems, but like blame and judgment, they come from your guilt, which protects your hidden fear of going forward.
Page 93 of 184

8. Judgment
Your judgment is the root cause of the problem. Your perception coloured by your guilt perceives others as bad and deserving punishment. In this way, you separate from others and see yourself as superior.

9. Shadow
Your partner has become a shadow figure for you. This may include many shadows, all of which are your own self-concepts. You have judged yourself, repressed what you have judged, projected it out and rejected what you see of yourself in another. You may have compensated heavily for these self-concepts, in which case you will deny that the shadow has anything to do with you. At other times, it is easy to Recognise that you act in the same way as your shadow figure and you will Realise it is your own projection.

10. Holding On
You are holding on to someone or something, which keeps you from going forward and is secretly generating your problem.

11. Martyring
In an attempt to save someone, you are martyring yourself.

12. Independence
You attempt to dissociate a past loss by pretending you do not care. Doing what you want and not being possessed by others has become a way of life for you.

13. Neediness
You are needy and attempting to make others responsible for your needs. You chase others away by your taking and lack of self-value. There is some loss you have not gotten over.

Page 94 of 184

14. Complaints
Every problem is a complaint against another person or situation. If the problem is big enough, it is a tantrum in which you emotionally act out or have a problem to get your way.

15. Power Struggle

The problem is an attempt to defeat someone. It is part of a power play in which you sometimes make a problem into a weapon.

16. Revenge
The problem is an attempt to get back at someone for new and old hurts. You may be getting revenge on people in the present and the past.

17. Taking
This problem is an attempt to take. Your suffering, hurt or problem covers a place where you are attempting to take from another out of your neediness. You excuse your preying on others because of your need or pain, though this may be dissociated.

18. Rejection
The problem of whatever you are suffering comes from your refusal to accept. It might be your partners behaviour, the situation or even yourself. This has the effect of generating resistance, hurt and even heartbreak.

19. Fusion
You are fused with another person instead of being bonded. This makes you hold onto them, suffer as they do and not move forward. This can be with a person in the present or from the past or both. Fusion means you will have lost or blurred boundaries with another person.

Page 95 of 184

20. The Oedipus Conspiracy

This is a trap set up to completely block your moving forward, gifts and purpose. Built on guilt, competition and lack of bonding from your original family, it generates affairs, triangle relationships, no relationships, power struggles or complete deadness. It stops intimacy and success. It brings the transference of unresolved sexual feelings toward your family members onto your partner without conscious awareness, generating deadness, revulsion or lack of sexual interest because of the original feelings of taboo. This turns your sexual energy away from your partner, and will sometimes cause you to direct your focus outside the relationship.

21. Fear of Purpose

This can set up very large traps or conspiracies that you use because you believe that you cannot handle your life purpose. It is one of the chief causes of major problems.

22. Fear of Your Relationship Purpose

You are afraid of how big the purpose of your relationship is. You promised that together you would bring some gift to life through your relationship. This may be a child or something that your love would create.

23. Excuse
You are using the problem as an excuse. You believe no one could expect anything of you given the nature of your problem. It allows you to do something or gives you permission not to do something.

24. Indulgence
You indulge yourself and your problem gives you permission to do this. Your indulgence may be physical, emotional or sexual. Indulgence is a self-prescribed solution to pain and sacrifice, but it blocks receiving, exhausts you and makes you feel guilty, leading to a vicious circle with sacrifice.

Page 96 of 184

25. Proving Your Love

Through some misunderstanding, you believe that your suffering will prove how much you love another.

26. Specialness
You are making yourself more important than your partner or your relationship. You are making the relationship all about you. This problem somehow makes you special.

27. Self-Attack
You are using the problem and the pain as a form of self-attack.

28. Negative Beliefs

No negative solution could occur without your negative belief systems. All negative situations and everyone involved in then reflect your negative belief systems about yourself, as all beliefs are selfconcepts. These self-concepts are how you perceive and experience the world.

29. Competition
Competition comes from lost bonding, and it is at the root of all conflict.

30. Roles
Roles are compensations over feelings of guilt and failure that began with your original family. These roles have you give and not receive. They lead to feelings of deadness and burnout. They are doing the right thing for the wrong reason, and they make you heavy and tired: living in a role in your relationship is like having a suit of armour between you and your partner.

31. Family Roles

The core roles of hero, sacrifice and scapegoat (bad guy) are built on guilt, while the other two of Charmer-Clown-Mascot and Lost-Orphan-Invisible Child are built on guilt and inadequacy. These

Page 97 of 184

roles are forms of sacrifice that you live out in an attempt to save your family, which is more important to you than yourself.

32. Hiding
Your problem gives you the excuse to hide, be small and not show up.

33. Transference
All problems are from the past. They are unlearned lessons and old traumas that have festered and remained inside you. You have transferred the past problem into the present. You now have the opportunity to heal not only this problem, but its roots. If you pull a problem or weed up from its roots, you get the whole thing.

34. Being Right

You are using the situation to show that you are right, even though it is harmful to you. You are proving something that you believe and are invested in.

35. My Way
You are using the situation to get your way or have the carte blanche hereafter to do things your way.

36. Authority Conflict

This problem is a fight, an act of rebellion, because of someone that is in a place of authority. It could be your partner, parents or God. Most likely, it is all of the above.

37. Karma
This problem is the result of a past pattern you set in motion through mistaken, unloving behaviour. This could come from past relationships, childhood or before.

Page 98 of 184

38. Inner Conflict

The outer conflict comes from an inner conflict. Your conflict keeps you afraid of moving forward. One part of your mind feels it will lose or not have its needs met if you move forward the way another part of your mind wants.

39. Sacrifice
The problem is that you are in sacrifice. You are giving but not including yourself in the giving or the receiving.

40. Need for Attention

You are using the problem to get attention. Because of needs, loneliness and a lack of love on your part, you are using the situation to try to get love.

41. Separation
Every problem comes as a result of separation. Separation breeds problems, and problems are wedges that keep the separation going. Where there is love and bonding, the problems that are a call for help melt away.

42. Testing
The problem you have is one you are using to test your partner to see if they will respond correctly.

43. Projection
You have projected parts of yourself that you have judged onto your partner and others in the situation. Now, it is time to own these back, forgive yourself and decide whether you want to keep torturing yourself about this or you simply want to help your partner.

Page 99 of 184

44. Fear of Commitment

Because of your lack of self-inclusion and self-value, you do not believe you or anyone is worth continuous attention. This leaves you doubtful, fickle, and afraid of partnership and intimacy. You have misconceptions given you by the ego in which you think you will lose your freedom. The truth is that you will lose independence but gain interdependence, which feels more focused, freer and richer on inner and outer planes.

We will go on to examine some of these principles in further chapters. Once you become aware of these hidden dynamics, you can take accountability for the problem at hand and, thus, not judge or blame others, especially your partner. Your accountability makes it easy to forgive your partner and yourself, so you can have the solution rather than the problem.

Forgive yourself for your traps and choose to step forward. The next step will show itself to you, as you become willing to go forward. The next step is always better. Only your fear that it will not be better than now has stopped you both from moving forward.

The economy of a relationship is such that if you step forward, there is no more conflict between you and your partner, and they are lifted up to the next step as a result of the healing you accomplish. As you make these vital contributions to the relationship, your partner will make equal contributions - usually in other areas. What you give to your partner, you give to both of you, your relationship and your family and open the door to receiving at greater levels. All of your giving increases the bonding between you. It is another step on your stairway to Heaven.

Key Insights: If you take full responsibility for any situation and immediately turn it over to your higher mind or Heaven to undo it for you, you can transform the effects of your mistaken decisions. By understanding and forgiving yourself for the key subconscious dynamics described in this chapter, you will be able to move past these blocks and achieve greater intimacy and success in your relationships.

Page 100 of 184

Chapter 31

Taking Responsibility
This is a short chapter that uses a simple spiritual solution to any problem.

This is a simple yet powerful method. You simply take total responsibility for the situation as it is. This removes the blame and guilt that stops grace. Without blame and guilt, there is responsiveness to yourself and to your partner. Open, frank and loving communication can take place.

Don't you love it when your partner is responsive to you?! And don't you love it when you feel responsive to your partner?! This is an effect of response-ability, tenderness and intimacy, which is what occurs when self-attack is gone.

Your responsibility empowers you and gives you more maturity. It opens you to responsiveness from others, nature and Heaven.

Once you have taken full responsibility for the situation, do not hold onto it. Turn it over to Heaven immediately and to your own higher mind for resolution. If you hold onto guilt and blame, you are just in a fight with others and yourself and you block grace. If you take responsibility and immediately turn it over, you are in the realm of miracles, which is Heaven's response to all of your problems. Miracles are also your natural heritage, but this gift and power have been repressed to the deepest part of the unconscious. Now is the time to bring it back. What do you have to lose but your problems! The ego needs these to build itself, but you are so much more than your ego, and you do not need these problems anymore.

Key Insights: With any problem you are experiencing in your relationship or your life in general, the way through is to take total responsibility for the situation as it is. Your responsibility empowers you and gives you more maturity. If you take responsibility and immediately turn it over, you are in the realm of miracles, which is Heaven's response to all of your problems.

Page 101 of 184

Chapter 32

Healing Projection
This chapter explores the nature of projection or how the mind deals with what we do not like about ourselves. It goes on to show how we people the world around us with the projection of our self-concepts and how to transform these projections in a positive way.

This is the most helpful of principles to apply to a relationship. It helps you change the life in your partner rather than the partner in your life. One woman attended one of my workshops in Germany and wrote a bestseller called Love Yourself and Marry Anyone. The principle I am presenting here is that you have the ability to change the characteristics and peccadilloes in your partner that drive you crazy because, actually, they are your own. I have seen this next exercise completely shift relationships that have been at odds and on the point of breakup. Fifteen minutes later, they saw their partner in a whole new light.

You could practice this healing principle everyday with those around you. It would help them, the world and you. You would learn of your power to make a difference in life.

Healing your projections The principle of healing projection begins with taking responsibility for your perception. What you perceive is your projection. You have projected your mind out onto the world. The negativity you see is your own. The anger and attack you see is yours. The gifts and greatness you see are your qualities, also, though you are afraid of them and have judged them in some way. The separation in your mind between the part you identify with and the part you have distanced yourself from within is the distance between you and your partner. You, along with the rest of us, have so much self-judgment that you split off the part you judged. Then you repressed that part and projected it out on the world, pretending it was not you. I have used this principle hundreds of times to great effect. It may sound far-fetched and unlikely to you but try it out; it will make your life so much easier and will do wonders for your relationship.

If everything is a projection, then your partner is the mirror of your mind. You might consider your partner to be the key part of your soul that you are trying to win back. If you have a partner who is a life partner, then there will be enough to unfold and heal for a lifetime. You may win through both subconscious and unconscious differences and judgments until all that is left is sweet peace and the joy
Page 102 of 184

that comes of profound love. At the same time, gifts you have developed over a lifetime will begin to develop in your partner and vice versa.

Once you know the principle of healing projection, you can do it with ex-partners, family members, people you work with, people on the news, et cetera. But the most precious experience is being able to change a chronic fight or unhappiness that exists between you and your partner. Where there was any willingness at all, I have never known this method to fail. This principle alone has saved a number of marriages because when perception changes, your experience changes and so reality changes for you and your partner.

Exercise The method is simple.

1. Make a list of the qualities that really bother you about your partner.

1. 2. 3.

4. 5. 6.

7. 8. 9.

10. 11. 12.

2. See your partner with that quality and pull back the projection. Own it as your quality (which will be quite difficult if you have hidden this belief about yourself under a compensation.) Simply consider this quality to be one of your self-concepts. To help you do this, go to step three.

3. When you pull back the projection, consider if you do the same thing that you have been complaining about in regard to your partner or quite the opposite - that you would rather die than ever do anything like that. Or perhaps you do both. Feeling terribly insulted that anyone would think you have this quality is a sure sign of a compensation. This means that you have been acting in the right way, doing good that deserved a reward, but because it was a compensation, you never received it. Ask yourself now how many similar self-concepts you have that are just like what you complained about in your partner.

Page 103 of 184

4. But first notice how you have been torturing yourself for these self-concepts, no matter whether you compensated for these negative qualities or acted them out at times. Now comes the crucial question: Do you want to keep torturing yourself and keep the separation between you and your partner or do you simply want to leave all that behind and go help your partner? You will either help them or there will be judgment and suffering for both of you.

5. Go to your partner and embrace them. If the situation somehow does not allow you to actually act this out then do this in your mind's eye, extending your love and help.

6. Repeat this for all the qualities and see how your partner now looks to you.

It's a simple exercise that can have profound effect in your life if you use it to transform your negative perceptions and judgments.

Key Insights: Everything you see in your partner exists in you. It may be buried, but it is there. Your partner is simply a mirror of your own mind. It is vital that you take responsibility for your perception and for your projections.

Chapter 33

Affairs
This chapter explores what makes a partner have an affair in a relationship. An affair signals a lost opportunity to take a step forward in a relationship. An affair can be viewed as a crossroads in the relationship. Will you go forward or off in some other direction?

This chapter deals with how to decide whether to go or stay if your partner has had an affair if you do not immediately know the answer. It shows how to heal from the effects of a partners affair whatever you choose to do. It also examines ways to heal if you are the one who had the affair.

Page 104 of 184

My experience At one point during my bachelor days because I had not learned the way through the Dead Zone in relationships, I gave up on monogamous relationships. I lived the epitome of the single life. I had many partners, and I was open and honest with all my partners about the fact that I was dating other people. But after five years of research, I realised that I was getting more and more dissociated and less able to enjoy anyone. During this time, I did a lot of research in temptation. I originally thought the purpose of a temptation was to fall for it. One time again for research purposes, I did not fall for the temptation but kept my energy focused on my partner. I enjoyed the connection and friendship with the new person, which then lasted much longer than most of my affairs. I then watched with amazement as my girlfriend developed the very quality of openhearted tenderness in the next two weeks that I had been tempted with outside the relationship. My curiosity was piqued, and I studied this phenomenon the next few times I was tempted, returning my energy to my partner, always with the same results. My partner soon developed the very quality I had been tempted by. This knowledge was a great help in my marriage, and it has never failed to work when applied.

It was during this time that I realised that my best chance for happiness was in a committed relationship and that it was time to look for a lifetime partner, one I had hope I could get through the Dead Zone with. During my independence, I was at least honest enough with myself to realise my state of dissociation and dysfunction. The glamour of the single life no longer attracted me. I wanted something that was of defining depth in a relationship, and I found it. I wanted to be true to myself, my marriage and my partner, so I wanted to be able to have dispensed with affairs before I got married. I had been down that path, and I wanted a better way. During my marriage while I have been tempted by the attractiveness of others, I have never seriously considered having an affair. I simply brought this energy back to my partner and enjoyed a deepening in our relationship. I was, for the most part, the independent partner and suffered the attractions and temptations of that position, but I trusted myself enough to be true and never wanted to do anything to hurt my wife or my own integrity. I had worked with hundreds of adult children whose parents had had affairs and never wanted my children or my wife to suffer that. Instead, I kept pouring myself wholeheartedly toward my wife. What I have given, I have certainly received in return from the devoted love of my wife.

The Nature of Affairs Affairs can be casual or passionately driven. They seem so exciting, hidden and dangerous, but afterwards follows the drama, pain, guilt, fighting and disillusionment. Then, of course, there is the risk that
Page 105 of 184

everything that you have built up in your relationship and possibly in your career will be lost. Part of the attraction of an affair comes from the unwillingness to let sex unfold into all of its states in marriage. Unless you have previously disconnected your heart and genitals, sex at the beginning of relationships is full of excitement, being with someone in a sexual manner when you had usually been warned for years to stay away from it. Societal warnings, segregation of the sexes, build up a lot of energy, attraction and the call of forbidden fruit. This first stage is so engaging that if you are not ready to advance to the second stage in sex, which is actually making love to your partner by joining them wherever they are emotionally, you keep trying to return to that first, seemingly more exciting, stage of sex. You do so by seeking what is kinky or forbidden and affairs bring back all the attraction-excitement of the forbidden. The second stage is more of a challenge, and it re-links your heart and sex. Yet, if people are not ready to take that step forward in intimacy, then they continue to look for the thrill of the forbidden fruit and affairs seem to provide this.

I have seen affairs in which one partner used the affair to signal the end of the relationship. On the other hand, I have seen affairs spark a new beginning in communication that led to a whole new stage of commitment in the relationship. I have seen affairs be a part of fights and other times be desperate attempts to get out of the deadness in ones life and relationship. I have seen spouses be blas about their partners affairs, and I have seen murderous or suicidal rage on the part of other partners. Affairs can be so heartbreaking that some people choose not to recover from them for a lifetime. On the other hand, they can be lessons from which both partners quickly learn and move on.

Fear of the Next Step An affair represents a lost opportunity. Just as a relationship is about to take the next step forward, your ego presents a temptation to split your mind. For the most part, the independent partner is the one who feels tempted, while the dependent partner is the one who feels more of the need, pain and romance. The independent partner feels more dissociated, though, but because of fights and power plays, the balance may shift fairly often as to who is the independent partner.

If you have not been a good partner when you are the independent one, reaching back and valuing your partner to create another honeymoon, then your partner will tend to be equally independent when the control shifts. I have heard the story of a husband who was extremely independent. He was a woodsman, bringing in wood for stoves and fireplaces. Then he broke both his arms and was in a cast across his whole upper body, not being able to dress, feed himself or go to the bathroom without help. Needless to say, his
Page 106 of 184

wife, now in the independent position was as unresponsive to his needs as he had been to hers. Sometimes, you shift into dependency to balance yourself out. I have seen people be quite independent from the time they were a child only to become very dependent at the end of their lives seemingly in an effort to balance themselves out.

Temptation as a distraction When a relationship finally has the chance for a breakthrough, it is often because your partner is about to develop one of the qualities you have been complaining that they could not offer you. This is usually the time when the ego offers this quality to you in the form of another relationship. The ego does not want the new step in intimacy and success that would occur if you kept your energy focused on your partner, so it offers what you were missing outside the relationship. Falling for a temptation splits your mind and can tear you apart with guilt as times goes on, in spite of your dissociation to begin with. This builds and strengthens the ego.

While a partners unfaithfulness can be devastating during any period of a relationship, it especially seems to have a devastating effect at the beginning of relationships before you have learned much about them or about the crucial lesson of independence-dependence where so much heartbreak can occur. I have found that the most devastating part of these heartbreaks were the lost dreams. These shattered dreams centred around the relationship and who you believed your partner to be as your true love. Many times, the affair is a last straw, set up as the excuse to break up the relationship or so that the heartbroken person can be angry enough to win back the control and independence from their partner. When a relationship changes position as to who is independent and in control, it is the most dangerous time in the relationship, as this is the easiest time for a break-up.

Committing to Equality It is important for both partners to remember to commit to equality. Early on in my first real relationship when my partner (who was the independent one) was unfaithful, I was devastated and brokenhearted. As I look back on it, the amount of my emotional dependency matched her lack of sexual integrity. As I understood how I had used those incidents to become the independent one, it allowed me to forgive and be free. Through this heartbreak, I was also reliving many of my childhood heartbreaks. The pattern was set long before I met my girlfriend, and I was blindly and blithely caught in it. The heartbreak during that time was so intense I could just barely stand the pain without doing something self-destructive. I realised at that point in relationships that if I did not become an expert on relationships, I probably would not
Page 107 of 184

survive them. As a result of my girlfriends affair, I began to learn about heartbreak, emotions, and selfdefeating patterns. In short, I began to heal my relationships and my childhood pain.

Choosing to invest in your relationship There is an old joke about affairs that contains the essence of what an affair is.

Its the story of Goldie and Abie, a couple from Long Island, who get married. On their wedding night in their first blush of love, Goldie says to Abie, Abie, every time we do it, would you leave a little something for me on the dresser?

What! shouts Abie, Youre my wife. I dont have to leave something for you on the dresser.

Abie, Goldie intervenes, Please, if you love me, leave a little something for me on the dresser.

Oh, all right, Abie concedes.

Forty years later, Abie is retiring, and he looks in Goldies eyes and says, After forty years of work, I have just enough money for us to get a little cottage to retire to.

Then Goldie beams as she says, Abie, do you know all that money you left for me on the dresser, I saved it all and we can get a house instead of a cottage.

Abie jumped up and exclaims, Damn, if I had known that, I would have invested all of my money in you!

There is a lot of potential energy that you could invest in your relationship, but if your energy is going someplace else entirely, it is an opportunity lost that could have generated more healing, health, happiness and abundance. You could split your mind with idle wishes of fantasy, regret, guilt, loss of integrity or you could build something of lasting value.

Page 108 of 184

Your energy can be indulged and lost in so many ways pornography, fantasy, shopping, possessions, overwork. All of this energy could be focused and invested in your partner. Every time you step forward, you build another line of bonding between you and your partner. You begin to develop some gift or ability they have, and they develop some gift of yours. Then as a result of that bonding and its corresponding step forward, you both begin to develop another entirely new gift. With every heartbreak, there could have been a honeymoon instead as reward for your new learning, healing and growth. As you heal, there is more love and peace invested in your relationship, and you can build something deep and meaningful over a lifetime.

Should I stay or should I go? There are other aspects of affairs that I will review in the later chapters of Dead Zone and Oedipus. But for now let us return to the matter at hand. Let us imagine that you are the one whose partner had the affair. You must decide whether you want to continue in the relationship and if it is still worth it to you.

An affair in a relationship is a crossroads. Will you keep building the relationship or will you give up, seeing the affair as a sign that you have been going in the wrong direction? Sometimes, it is important for you to clear away some or all of the pain before you can see the answer to this question clearly. On the positive side for staying is all that you have invested in the relationship already. There may be children involved. These are all considerations to examine before deciding whether to leave or stay with your partner. If you keep going forward and do not stay stuck in the pain, then the answer will be evident without you even having to make a decision. Just keep going forward. Each step forward lessens the pain, putting the affair in perspective. The healing transforms the pain that had been hidden under the affair into learning and wisdom! But if you dissociate and go independent instead of dealing with your pain either by leaving or wresting the control of your relationship into your hands, you are simply saving up the pain for later. If you keep healing and going forward without getting stuck on any particular emotion, then you will know if this affair was just a digression on the way to happiness, a springboard to a much better relationship or simply the end of the relationship. If you recognise that it is the end of the relationship and you have done your healing homework, you will leave amicably without this relationship or affair holding you back. Your soon to be ex-partner will remain a friend, and they will always remain on your team karmically. As they progress in maturity, you will progress and vice versa.

Page 109 of 184

Steps to Heal Affairs If your partner has had an affair

1. First of all, take responsibility for what has happened. Give up blame, attack and self-

attack or you will not move forward. Sometimes, anger and hurt are surreptitious ways to hold on and holding on is part of the problem. Only by taking responsibility can you be innocent, powerful, transforming yourself and your relationship with a new and better way.

2.

If your partner has had an affair, then you are in a dependent position. The answer is not

to move into the independent position. This will be a step sideways to get control and have your partner not be as important to you. Devaluing your partner devalues your relationship and yourself, and it is a psychological dead end. What you want to do is heal your emotions and the relationship. They are your emotions, and they will either hold you back or as you heal them, your heart will become even more alive and you will open to a more successful level in relationships. Take responsibility for your position as the dependent one. Commit to equality. Commit to the next stage in your life and relationships. It is always better. Keep moving through of your emotions by either feeling them through until you get to peace or by letting them go. People who have a strong spiritual connection can turn layer after layer of their emotions over to Heaven until there is only love again. This is always the true direction to head in.

3.

Your partner's affair represents either a fight or expresses an ego attempt to deal with the

deadness in the relationship in a way that will only lead to more problems. This affair represents your and your partners fear of intimacy and the next step in relationship. It represents a form of self-attack and self-punishment on your part for some old, untrue guilt.

Ask yourself how old you were when the root of the self-attack began.

Who was there?

What was going on when you began to attack yourself?

What was going on when you decided you should punish yourself?
Page 110 of 184

How old were you when you decided you should punish yourself?

Who was there?

This was a mistake in both incidents. You caught the negative emotion of the people in that situation who were with you.

In the situation regarding your self-attack, ask yourself what gift you brought in to heal everyone's self-attack. See yourself back at that time before any negativity occurs and open up this gift. Share it with everyone in this situation. Bring the positive feeling up through your life from that time until now.

Now, ask yourself in the situation regarding self-punishment what gift you brought in to heal everyone. The alternative to helping everyone with this gift is to catch the self-punishment yourself, which is exactly what occurred. Go back to that incident. What was the gift that you have inside that would free everyone? Open up that gift and share it with everyone in that incident. Now bring that positive energy up through the rest of your life.

4.

If you are in pain, feeling unloved or needy, ask yourself how old you were when this

emotion began. Who was involved at that time?

What was it that occurred if you were to know... What gift did you bring in to free everyone? Open up this gift and share it with everyone there. Now bring this positive feeling up through your whole life.

This exercise can be repeated a number of times a day, as you heal the past to make yourself more whole and confident in the present.

5.

Ask yourself if you were to know where the root that led to this affair began for you in your

life, if was at the age of...

Page 111 of 184

And who was there when it began was probably...

And what was going on was probably something like...

What did you decide about yourself as a result of this incident?

What did you decide about life?

About Relationships?

About men?

About women?

And about sex?

What did you decide you would have to do from then on?

You could decide to let all those beliefs go and choose what you want to believe now instead. You could also choose what you want to do instead of what you have to do, as you did back there. Deciding you have to do something, even if it is positive, is self-defeating, as it becomes an expectation which hides demands, needs and brings about stress, burn-out and lack of satisfaction for anyone.

Now, back at this beginning place you can receive God's love and His Will for you for total happiness. Now help everyone else in that situation do the very same thing. See how this changes the situation. Bring this love and happiness through your life instead of the negative pattern.

Page 112 of 184

You can repeat this exercise, to see if there are other roots for you.

If you have had an affair

If you are the one who had the affair, you may be asking the important question of whether or not to tell your partner. It is a very important question for your relationship. My own predilection is to get everything out in the open so you see what is being dealt with and it's all above board. But some partners absolutely do not want to hear about their partners indiscretions. Some feel it would force them to act, sometimes to break up the relationship. Some partners feel that it is extremely indulgent on their partners part to tell them and have them suffer so much. In telling them, they feel that it is as indulgent as their partner having the affair in the first place.

At some level, everyone knows when their partner is having an affair, but they choose not to bring it up to their conscious awareness. What I suggest to people who come to me with this question as to whether to disclose this to their partner, I suggest that they commit to the truth and to the next step where the answer to this question awaits them. I also suggest that they ask for a sign so clear that they could not mistake the answer but know exactly what is best to do for everyone.

Dont be trapped by your guilt: forgiveness is the only way through The guilt from the affair may be driving you to distraction, but that is your responsibility to heal. Just as the affair was a lost opportunity to reach a new level of intimacy, so is the guilt. By indulging yourself, you give the bit of the ego which would have melted away between you, a reprieve, but the guilt you hold onto afterwards can prove to be a wall between you and your partner for ever after. You may have made a mistake, even a very big mistake, but it is crucial not to compound it by holding onto guilt. Forgive yourself and everyone involved in your current situation. You do not learn the lesson with guilt. Your guilt reinforces the mistake, which will either cause you to use guilt to try to control yourself or to hide the guilt by having another affair or continuing the present one. These are ego solutions that simply will not work and will lead you in the wrong direction. To let go of the guilt is to learn the lesson and allow more love and relatedness to develop with your partner.

You may be so dissociated that you do not seem to feel the guilt of the affair, but it is there. You may be so independent that you do not really care enough about your partner, so you act in a selfish way. It looks like you dont care very much about your partner, and, though you seem indulgent, you do not care about
Page 113 of 184

yourself that much either. Your independence and dissociation will need to be transformed if you ever hope to have a successful relationship. With dissociation, you cannot enjoy what you have. You cannot really feel yourself or your partner. Sometimes, you make an emotional mess with an affair in an attempt to win back some ability to feel or you become more independent and continue to dissociate. Both of these alternatives head you in the wrong direction and away from life.

It is time to commit to yourself and your life or you will never have any fulfilment in spite of how many partners you have.

If you have made a mistake, you can use it in a true way to learn from, to springboard yourself forward in your relationship. It is time to heal yourself and correct the mistake. If you are caught in a triangle and cannot decide what to do or which partner to choose, I suggest you go directly to the Commitment chapter 34, page 115, and Oedipus chapter 39, page 128, for suggestions that I have seen work numerous times.

Now, review the exercises in the section just before this one. Do the exercise about where the root of the affair began. You will most likely find roots in guilt, heartbreak and feeing unloved. These are emotions for which you will typically have dissociated and compensated. Affairs are a sure sign that you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Your need for love has turned into a quest for specialness or ego-love. This will not fill that place within you that feels empty. Only healing or true love will do that. Instead of collecting trinkets, it is time to build treasure in and through your relationship.

Key Insights: An affair is usually a crossroads point in the relationship. Your best chance for happiness is in a committed relationship. When you meet someone you are attracted to, it is because, just as a relationship is about to take the next step forward, your ego presents a temptation to split your mind. Commit to equality with your partner Choose to invest in your relationship If you do not commit to yourself and your life, you will never have any fulfilment in spite of how many partners you have.

Page 114 of 184

Chapter 34

Commitment
This chapter explains both the power and necessity of commitment for a long-term relationship. It is our lack of self-value and our inability to value others that leads to the fear of commitment.

The power of commitment Commitment is a crucial element in any successful relationship. If you learn it, it will save you a great deal of time and get you through chronic problems with ease. It has the power, not just to get you through the step that is troubling you, but to do so with ease and grace. Though you will always continue to deepen your learning, commitment helps you learn whatever lesson is before you. Whatever issue is there will no longer be right in your face, it will fall into perspective, and having learned the lesson, you will have an easier time when the next problem or issue shows up. Commitment is not like climbing over a mountain of a problem; it is like flying over the whole mountain range of problems. The honeymoon that occurs as the result of commitment is not just the one you get for a single problem, but the reward for succeeding at a whole new step.

Commitment is the wholehearted giving of yourself. It is choosing your partner totally. As you give yourself fully in spite of the fear, consideration or traps, you are raised to a new level of partnership, intimacy and success. Partnership bonds you, making everything easier and giving you both focus and freedom. As you progress forward, there will be other occasions where you are called to commit and recommit.

In any stage of relationship, there can be as much as three hundred to three thousand lessons, depending on whether you have a passionate or a compatible relationship. The passionate relationship has a bigger Power Struggle Stage, and the compatible one has a bigger Dead Zone Stage. I know of passionate couples who have been together over thirty years and not succeeded in getting past the Power Struggle Stage.

Commitment shows you what is true Commitment brings the truth. So if you commit to a partner who is not true for you, they typically say goodbye in the next week or so. When that occurs, there is no pain, guilt or blame, courtesy of the
Page 115 of 184

principle of commitment. You have been moved up to a new stage, and if it is no longer true to be with this partner, the dissolution of the relationship at the new level occurs swiftly and in a friendly manner for all concerned.

Through commitment, you are shown that it will no longer serve you or make you happy to continue together. As a result of commitment, no one feels guilt, neither you nor your partner nor your children, if there are any. In most cases with children, commitment brings the parents back together. But in some cases, the relationship ends naturally in innocence for all concerned. Commitment heals the fighting and withdrawal of Power Struggle and the deadness and exhaustion of the Dead Zone.

Commitment, then, is not a one-time thing but something that is called for continuously. Doing this will allow you to reach the ever-higher rewards that relationships bring. While it takes courage to commit, the levels of partnership that unfold are absolutely worth it. They bring beauty, understanding, willingness and love. Because of the greater bonding brought about through commitment, there is love and success with ease. All problems have their roots in need and judgment. Where you supply the need to your partner through commitment, you move past judgment, and the problem and its hidden fear melt away in the love that comes as a result of the giving. Commitment is the realisation that it is what you give in a relationship that makes you happy and allows both you and your partner to keep growing and unfolding. When you stop giving to your partner, your partner stops growing and you stop being happy. There are tens of thousands of symptoms that come up in a relationship. Hundreds, even thousands, of these potential conflicts that are in you or your partners mind, can be healed by giving yourself fully to your partner and the relationship.

Commitment as a way to value yourself The fear of commitment really has to do with feelings of unworthiness. When you have valuelessness, you feel that neither you nor anyone is worth continuous attention. Commitment changes all that. It allows you to value yourself and your partner and brings a sense of peace and inner adventure. There is less allegiance to the ego, which is bent on getting what it can while staying as far away from your partner as possible, and more allegiance to yourself, your partner and your relationship.

As I have explained in previous chapters what occurs in a relationship is always equal, so the extent to which you commit is the extent to which your partner will do the same. If you think you are committed
Page 116 of 184

and your partner is independent, you have dependence masquerading as commitment. Sometimes, this dependency masquerading as commitment goes back and forth between partners with first one wanting to get married and then the other. No matter what you call it, only commitment will have the results of moving you forward to the next stage. Commitment in not just giving fully, which is a powerful form of love, it is giving yourself fully. This is the most precious gift you have, and it is a key to relationship and all other success. Where there is a problem, commitment will heal it.

Commitment always moves you forward Commitment, many times, is paradoxical because whenever you are feeling negative or judging your partner, they may seem like the last person you want to commit to. Yet, when you do, and only when you do, your perception changes and they get better. If your partner is failing at some level, they are starving for you and only true giving of yourself without any ulterior motive will succeed. When issues arise, they occur not because you have not given to your partner, but because now the next issue has arisen between you. It brings with it the opportunity for even greater commitment and more bonding.

Commitment is one of the great timesavers. Continuously applied, there is nothing that can withstand its power. There is no problem that commitment cannot transform because it brings truth, direction and freedom with ease. Whenever there is difficulty, your commitment is the antidote.

Exercise 1. Remember the love and feelings of possibility at the beginning of your relationship. Dwell on this for awhile. 2. Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your partner. 3. Choose your partner once more wholeheartedly. Concentrate on mustering all of your will into the choice to give yourself fully to your partner once more. This giving forth is a forgiveness. Your giving supplies the need that the problem is a compensation for.

Key Insights: Commitment is the wholehearted giving of yourself. Commitment shows you what is true.

Page 117 of 184

Commitment is the realisation that it is what you give in a relationship that makes you happy and allows both you and your partner to keep growing and unfolding. Commitment always moves you forward.

Chapter 35

Apology
This chapter speaks of how the power of an apology sincerely offered can make a difference in our relationships.

The power of apology Offered sincerely, an apology can make a big difference in a relationship. If you are the dissociated, independent partner or if, when you get to the Dead Zone, you are the heroic, rock type, then you can make a real difference to your partner by apologising. I was once in a Relationship Workshop in Switzerland, and I was explaining the power of apology to the man in a young couple. He was obviously the independent one. The more I talked, the more he just had this puzzled look on his face. Being dissociated, he was frequently insensitive to his wifes feelings. So to demonstrate, I stood about six steps away from her, looked in her eyes, opened my heart and apologised. Then I took another step closer to her, looked in her eyes, opened my heart and said I was sorry. By the third step and apology, she burst into tears. By the fifth step, she was wailing. I signalled to the husband, who still had a confused look on his face, to go over and hold her. When he began saying he was sorry at first quietly and then louder, she just sobbed in release as he held her and apologised.

An apology that is not sincere is totally worthless. An apology is not an excuse for a mistake. It simply acknowledges that you made a mistake, and that in some way, you infringed on your partner. It acknowledges that you are responsible, but if you take on guilt and beat yourself up, you actually reinforce the mistake. Then you neither learn the lesson nor make the necessary change to remedy the situation in order to come closer to your partner.

If you are insincere regarding your apology and do not mend your ways, you will teach your partner that you cannot be trusted and your word will have less and less value.
Page 118 of 184

Even when something happens to your partner that is not directly your responsibility, your apology is a way to express being sorry for what happened to them. For example, Im sorry you had a rough day, expresses your love and tells your partner that it matters to you what kind of day they had.

Think of what you would like to apologise to your partner for and share that. It is an excellent way to move beyond conflict and competition. Once you realise the power of apology, you may want to apologise to everyone you may have wronged, inadvertently or otherwise.

For extra credit, you might try apologising to your partner for what you think they did to you. You may not think that you could ever have done that to them, but remember how everything is equal. If you sincerely apologise to them for what you think they did to you, you will feel and know the truth in your apology. Let us take the example of an affair your partner may have had. You may have had no affair; but if you apologise with any sincerity: Im sorry I was faithless to you and disregarded you and your feelings, you will feel the truth of your words. Someone cannot be unfaithful to you unless you were faithless to them. By apologising you move through the collusion.

Key Insights: Apologising in a true way is a powerful act and can make a real difference to your partner. (Remember: an apology that is not sincere is totally worthless.) If you sincerely apologise to your partner for what you think they did to you, you will feel and know the truth in your apology.

Chapter 36

Giving to Your Partner

This chapter explains how true giving builds your relationship and dissolves problems at the same time. It explores the concept of soul gifts that we brought in to help our partner and our relationship.

If you concentrate on giving to your partner, you will give to yourself at the same time, satisfying yourself and opening the door to receive love. If you are devoted to your partner, they will be devoted to you.
Page 119 of 184

Once you give up trying to get or take from your partner, which only leads to pain, you can consciously build and improve your relationship. You will move out of the central position and into equal partnership.

Giving brings wholeness Every time you give, you give love. This helps your partner and avails you of help when you need it. Your partner will not get better unless you give to them. This concentration on devoted giving builds both your and your partners wholeness. When your partner is sick, when your partner is suffering or has problems, they are asking for your love because they do not have the strength to love themselves. This is what partnership is: helping each other, enjoying each other in the good times, while making each other happy and enriching each others lines.

When your partner is acting any other way than lovingly, they are asking for help, and they are asking for your help specifically. If you remember God and if you remember that He is there to help you, you can do this easily. This advances your partner, your relationship and your own personal development. You resisted the temptation to respond to your partner lovelessly when they called for help. This gives you, your partner and your relationship value, which is the opposite of sacrifice, which causes you to devalue yourself, your partner and the relationship.

When I worked with the Marines in their drug rehabilitation program, the greatest compliment they could give you was: Id want you to be in my foxhole. This implied that before anyone could get to their back, you would have to no longer be alive. It meant: I would trust you with my life. I would let you cover my back as I covered yours. Imagine this as the goal of your relationship and from there you could set your sights on joining so completely in love that you enter the mystic state of union, which opens the door to Heaven.

Giving your gifts All your life you have developed gifts so that you could give them to your partner. These are both helpful and attractive. Yet, after a year or two, you will typically have used up all these gifts. Next, you could give your partner your pain, your trauma and your misery, most of which is buried inside, of course. Most people find that, in truth, they have been more attached to their past than to their partner. To give your old wounds to your partner is to no longer value them more than your relationship. This gives your relationship a new level of trust and relatedness to your partner in favour of greater partnership. In truth,
Page 120 of 184

your painful past has been used for dissociation, independence and control. Now, it can be used as a gift. As you offer these to your partner, it is like saying: I will no longer use this to hold myself back. I will no longer let this be between us. I will no longer be closer to my wound than to you. I will get over this for your sake as well as my own.

Finally, in any situation where there is a problem, you have brought in soul-level gifts to help heal and transform your partner. You are unaware of this when you are caught up in problems, fights or deadness in the relationship. Whenever your partner is caught in a problem, quiet your mind. Ask yourself what gift you brought in for your partner to help heal this situation. Imagine yourself opening a door in your mind behind which this gift awaits you. Embrace it and share it with your partner energetically. You can also ask for any gifts Heaven has for your partner and receive and share those with your partner, also. This is the kind of exercise that you can do daily for yourself and your partner.

At a certain point when enough partnership has developed in your relationship, not only will you and your partner become leaders, but your relationship will lead and inspire others. It will give people hope so that they know that successful relationships can occur. This is when your relationship will give to and inspire others.

Key Insights: Your partner will not get better unless you give to them. You have brought in soul-level gifts to help heal and transform your partner. Share these with them.

Chapter 37

Abortions, Stillbirths and Miscarriages

This chapter explores the aspect that abortions, stillbirths and miscarriages have in common, namely that each one reveals a place where a self or selves died of emotional trauma when we were young. This chapter explores how the occurrence of each of these represents a crossroads in the relationship. It presents an exercise to heal the long-standing guilt, pain and self-destructive pattern that began when we were young.
Page 121 of 184

When abortions, stillbirths and miscarriages occur, they signal a crossroads in a relationship. Will you go on or will this be the end of the relationship? Most of the time, this occurs either with relationships that have been just drifting along or ones that have been moving forward with great intensity. In the crossroads is a question: Is it worth it to me to go forward or have I had enough in this relationship?

Healing guilt In my experience, there was typically much greater pain involved in abortions and stillbirths than in miscarriages, though at times, because of shattered dreams, miscarriages can generate an equal level of pain. When I first began working with women who had had abortions, I found that many of them reported at first being blas about getting an abortion, but later thoughts about the abortion came back to haunt them with pain and guilt. As I worked together with them to put this experience into perspective as a lesson learned, we always ended up returning to a childhood trauma in which their self or a number of selves had died out of shock or pain. In every one of these cases, there began a pattern of guilt and selfdestructiveness as a result of the self that died, which later culminated in the abortion, stillbirth or miscarriage. As we healed these original experiences, the guilt of the abortion and the trauma dissolved, and the women, and in some instances, their men felt totally free. It was almost as if the abortion was trying to remind them of the self they had lost earlier in life.

The Crossroads If stillbirths, abortions and miscarriages are a crossroads for your relationship, then listen clearly to what the ego is offering you in return for following its path and then to what your higher mind is offering to go up its path of relationship. By the way, the ego and the higher mind will never agree, in spite of what the ego might say to the contrary. If you follow your higher mind, it will generate a positive future. If you follow your ego, which is only interested in winning and getting its own way and sooner or later you will pay the price.

Exercise Next, if you have suffered an abortion, stillbirth or miscarriage, ask yourself if you were to know where the bad feeling began that generated this situation, it probably began when you were at the age of

If you were to know who was present when the trauma occurred that led to the abortion, stillbirth or miscarriage, it was probably
Page 122 of 184

If you were to know what happened when this pain began, it was probably

If you were to know how many selves died at that point, it was probably around

Next, imagine yourself taking those dead selves in your arms and blowing the sacred breath of life into them so they come alive. Love them until they grow to your present age. Then they will melt into you, reconnecting wires in your heart and mind.

Next, look at that earlier scene and realise that you took on the bad feelings of everyone in that situation. The only alternative is to share with them the soul-level gift you brought in to save them from themselves.

What was that gift or gifts

Imagine yourself back there, opening up the gift before the trauma occurs and then sharing that gift energetically with all of those people back in that situation. This will free up the situation and allow you to bring the good feeling up into the present situation.

Your gifts allow you to redeem others rather than investing your energy in guilt and self-crucifixion. Abortions, stillbirths and miscarriages are indicative of a pattern of self-destructiveness that needs healing and can be transformed now.

Key Insights: Abortions, stillbirths and miscarriages represent a crossroads in a relationship. All of these situations come about as a result of a self that died when you were young. The key healing dynamic in these situations are to bring the self back to life and dissolve the old guilt that set a pattern leading to the present situation. You can choose which path to take at the crossroads. If you follow your higher mind, it will generate a positive future.

Page 123 of 184

Chapter 38

Dead Zone
This chapter reveals the third stage of relationships and what brings deadness to a relationship sexually, emotionally and psychologically. It explores the trap of compensation and roles and how they began as children in our efforts to save our families. It explains how the ego uses the Dead Zone to keep us from partnership and success in order to build itself. It presents nine ways to heal and transform the Dead Zone and its separation.

Is your relationship in the Dead Zone? The Dead Zone is the third stage of relationships after the Romance and Power Struggle Stages. The upside of this stage is its steadiness, support and resourcefulness. The down side of this stage, especially for compatible couples, is that emotional and sexual deadness can be quite pervasive and exhausting. Primarily, this stage is a compensation, hiding feelings of guilt, failure, sex, competition and fear. This means that you act out of roles. You give but do not receive because you still believe in your guilt, failure and unworthiness. Most of the time, people in this stage work very hard but sometimes a person is lazy instead of busy as a way to compensate because of their fear of dealing with their buried beliefs and emotions.

This stage can wreak havoc on a relationship. It can be so boring that if you do not know what is going on or how to get past it, you can easily stay stuck in these emotional and sexual doldrums until the relationship dies out of ennui. The first stage of the Dead Zone is made up of roles, rules and duties. This is where you act out of recipes rather than authenticity. To do something because you are supposed to rather than because you choose to, makes it an act of sacrifice rather than a true act of giving and receiving. Roles lead us to do the right thing but for the wrong reason. Roles are used as a compensation to prove you are good, hiding guilt and feelings of failure.

Getting through the Dead Zone With the Dead Zone comes sacrifice, fusion and co-dependency. While setting boundaries can be helpful in getting through these traps, this alone will not work because you are dealing with a family pattern that is subconscious and an ancestral pattern that is unconscious in origin. Attempting to set boundaries against such deep patterns is bound to lead to further dissociated independence, which is the problem in the first place. What is necessary is the fine balance of being responsive to your partner, family, work
Page 124 of 184

and yourself at the same time. Boundaries help you know how far you have overextended or how invasive others have been, but they do not help you get through the co-dependency, fusion, and its subconscious issues based around family guilt, failure and sacrifice.

You can go back using the intuitive method of: If you were to know to pull out mistaken beliefs of guilt, failure and their strategy of sacrifice. It is helpful to do so because this gives you a feel for the territory you are attempting to heal. But it is also a great deal faster to use the healing principle of commitment to transform each major step in the Dead Zone Stage. This can save a great deal of time and give you a sense of success, especially if you feel that you, your partner, or the relationship is dying inside.

The Dead Zone is an ego defence against commitment, partnership, balance, ease, freedom, intimacy, greater success, leadership, your purpose, creativity, vision and the unconscious mind. Most people are quite frightened of the unconscious because of the depth of the issues and the power of the emotions at this level of the mind. The Dead Zone Stage is the egos last ditch attempt to keep you from partnership and the ongoing level of joining that makes the ego, the principle of separation, redundant.

Steps through the Dead Zone There are a number of steps in the Dead Zone; each one can be as big as a normal stage of growth in a relationship. If you give up roles for authentic giving, a new aliveness comes into the relationship. Then you run into the Oedipal Step, which is even bigger, more complicated, and for the most part is completely subconscious. The Oedipal Complex was the first conspiracy I discovered. A conspiracy is a trap set up so well that it looks like there is no way out. But there is always a better way if you really want to find it.

The next step typically has to do with Rock and Swamp, though some couples also go through another Shadow step right at the beginning of the Dead Zone, which is where, by judging your partner, you avoid the change you need to make to be successful in relationships. The Rock and Swamp Step refers to how each of the partners seems to have polarized once again. One partner who is dissociated, sacrificial and heroic is the Rock, while the other partner becomes emotionally indulgent and makes the relationship all about them because they are working through the vast amount of childhood feelings of being unloved. Each partner believes their position is right and superior, and while this step does not contain power struggle, it can be quite competitive.
Page 125 of 184

My experience In the seventies, I lost many relationships because I could not find my way through Dead Zone. My relationships would break up time and time again in the Dead Zone. Finally, in late 1979, I gave up on monogamous relationships as a result of not finding a way through the Dead Zone. Then I thought the answer was in being independent and having any number of partners at the same time. While this looks like a glamorous lifestyle if you can maintain it, as I went on, I could see that I was losing my heart and becoming more and more dissociated. Finally, in early 1984, I found the courage to attempt what I could see as the only way possible for me to move forward, as I knew I was moving in a death direction through independence and dissociation. So, instead I went toward marriage in a strongly committed relationship with my present wife. We learned how to get through all that needed healing together. As we went through every basic step, we learned shortcuts and principles, and these were corroborated with couples and individuals that we worked with around the world. Because of our compatibility, there were numerous Dead Zone lessons but we made it through, and as a result of our experience, I was able to map out the territory to make it easier for other couples. Of course, we return to the Dead Zone for periodic reviews from time to time, as does every couple who has made it this far. The Dead Zone is never fun, but it is always instructive. As you heal the Dead Zone, you become more worthy and innocent, thus, allowing yourself to receive, enjoy partnership, have a balance of your masculine and feminine and, thus, all areas of your life and have ease, freedom, success and flow.

The next step is that of Competition. Here you can finally heal the subtle (or not so subtle) pattern of competition that began with your unbonded family. In some cases, there are ancestral or unconscious, soul-level roots. These patterns of competition are deleterious to relationships, as they are at the root of all conflict and deadness. Mutuality, equality and commitment are key healing principles in this step. After competition, the next relationship step is the Fear of the next Step. This is actually one of the core dynamics of every problem, but it is here that you realise that it has been the fulcrum on which the Dead Zone has rested. Willingness, commitment and grace are powerful aides at this point. The final step may not occur in every relationship, but it is a kind of step that, if it does occur, can stop you from partnership. It is a type of competition for love that centres around illness. One of you calls for love by abusing your body through excessive work or play or by accident and injury. The other partner is the one who is always sick. Usually, you either have the self-abuse style or the sickness style, but both of you are looking for continuous, ever-deepening love from your partner.

Page 126 of 184

Ways through the Dead Zone The Dead Zone is the number two stage for stress and the number one stage for burnout. It is the first time that you can successfully deal with your relationship and family Dead Zone and Oedipal issues. All of the Dead Zone steps hide fear and all of the fear hides a gift and a new level of intimacy and success.

Ways to Heal the Dead Zone:

1. Awareness that you are in the Dead Zone and of the particular step you are facing. 2. Communication with your partner about it. 3. Commitment takes you over a mountain range instead of each individual problem mountain. If you give yourself to your partner wholeheartedly, it can save many hundreds of individual steps. 4. Want truth, freedom and ease with your whole heart. 5. Ask to be shown the fear that hides under the deadness. As soon as you see what it is, immediately let it go or give it to Heaven. 6. Look for the gift that hides underneath the trap. As you get better at realizing that every problem compensates for a gift, you readily dismiss the defence that every problem is by embracing the good thing that it defends against. 7. Use the intuitive method to find and clear the root of the problem by asking these questions: If you were to know where the root of this problem began, it was probably at the age of If you were to know who was with you, it was probably If you were to know what occurred that brought this current deadness about, it was probably You took on the pain and problems of everyone in the scene. Instead, ask yourself what soul-level gift you brought in to heal them. Embrace the gift and share it with everyone in that scene, freeing them and yourself. 8. Integrate the deadness with the fear it hides. To do this, you simply imagine the energy of both melting together. Then you integrate this energy with the gift underneath. This dissipates the negativity, gives you a vaccination against further negativity in this regard and generates confidence and a new level of wholeness. Become an expert at finding compensations, such as overwork, sacrifice or roles, as these mimic true giving and are only a defence. With defences you cannot receive the rewards for your giving. Integrations heal your split mind, bring you back to yourself and give you a new level of courage.
Page 127 of 184

9. Commit to mutuality and equality with your partner. Commit to the next step.

Key Insights: One way through the Dead Zone is to achieve a fine balance of being responsive to your partner, family, work and yourself at the same time. There are 5 main steps in the Dead Zone: the Roles, Rules and Duties, the Oedipal trap, the Rock and Swamp, Competition, and Fear of the Next Step. As you heal the Dead Zone, you become more worthy and innocent, thus, allowing yourself to receive, enjoy partnership, have a balance of your masculine and feminine and, thus, all areas of your life and have ease, freedom, success and flow.

Chapter 39

The Trap of Oedipus

This chapter presents practical research regarding the Oedipus Complex, showing how the ego uses it as a conspiracy against us. In simple terms it explains what the Oedipus Conspiracy is, how it affects our relationships, where it comes from and how to transform it.

The Comedian, Robin Williams, once shouted out in comic angst: Oedipus-Smedipus, I love ya, Momma. To impress on you the power of the Oedipus Complex, imagine yourself out for a leisurely swim in the ocean at night, when all of a sudden you start to hear the soundtrack from Jaws. Like Jaws, the Oedipus Complex comes up from below with lightning speed and pulls you down. After six years of intense study of the Oedipus Complex in the mid to late 1980s, I Realised it was a conspiracy, which is a trap set up so well that it seems there is no way out. Freud thought the whole mind revolved around the Oedipus Complex because it was so pervasive, but as I researched further into human consciousness, I found that it was just one of more than half a hundred conspiracies, all meant to stop us from finding and living our purpose.

The root of the Oedipus Conspiracy The Oedipus Conspiracy is caused by lost bonding, which in turn, determines the amount of competition in a family.
Page 128 of 184

When bonding is lost, there is a sense of scarcity and so the competition begins for love and attention. When bonding is lost, the family members resort to roles in an attempt to save the family. Sex, which is naturally subsumed in love until bonding is lost, now arises in an exaggerated manner. These sexual impulses are then either fantasised about or repressed or both. In some cases, they are acted out in incestuous relationships. They are repressed because of societal taboos, regarding sex between family members. When bonding has been strongly shattered, there arise incidents of sexual abuse and incest or sex may be repressed or blown out of proportion.

The Dynamics of the Oedipus Complex Part of the reason why the Oedipus complex is such a powerful trap is that it is subconscious. The subconscious pattern is tied into an unconscious pattern with God as Father in which we believe we have stolen His gifts and killed Him, and now He is angry and makes for a particularly formidable and frightening enemy.

In the Oedipus Conspiracy, the ego tells you that you killed your parents as you separated from them and stole their gifts. The competition for the opposite sex parent and sometimes the same sex parent leads you to be: 1. An oedipal loser in which you are afraid to compete or succeed because it seems you will kill the same sex parent to do so. 2. An oedipal winner in which case you are closer to the opposite sex parent than your same sex parent is. This allows you to succeed but with guilt for succeeding so you do not allow yourself the full reward or enjoyment of your success. As a result, you win the person of your dreams only to keep some distance between you, which perpetrates the oedipal pattern. 3. It leads you to repress shadows such as the Failure, the Thief, the Murderer and the Betrayer. 4. It can take different forms in a relationship: affairs and triangles, no relationships, always fighting or dead relationships. 5. It leads you to repress anger and sexuality or act them out in exaggerated ways. 6. It especially makes you keep a certain amount of emotional distance from your partner.

Because of the unfinished business of the sexual attraction to your opposite sex parent and siblings, you will tend to transfer these feelings onto your present partner and then pull back from them because any
Page 129 of 184

attraction to them brings up the old forbidden attractions. This makes you pull away from your partner and deny sexual energy and attraction for them. You can tell the Oedipus Conspiracy is occurring if suddenly you lose all attraction for your partner or if you feel revulsion or repulsion toward them emotionally or sexually. Sometimes, there are no dramatic outward symptoms, but simply a pervasive deadness in the relationship. Or you begin turning your sexual energy outside the relationship.

The Oedipal Conspiracy and the Family Conspiracy are inextricably tied together and between them, they generate most of the issues in the Dead Zone. These are two of the best and most complicated conspiracies the ego has to keep you from reaching successful partnership. You must transcend these traps to reach partnership and the beginning of La Dolce Vita.

Going beyond the Oedipus Conspiracy: the path to Partnership The ego wants to prevent you at all cost from reaching partnership because by that time you have learned the key lesson of knowing to always head for your partner and that any way your partner acts that is not love is a call for love. The ego begins to melt away more quickly in the face of the love, joy and creativity that grows in partnership.

Ways to Move Through the Oedipus Conspiracy: 1. Awareness and Communication 2. Commitment to Your Partner 3. Commitment to equality and the next step, especially in the case of dilemmas or triangles. It does matter which position in the triangle you have taken up. You can transform the triangle by your wholehearted commitment to the truth of the next step. If you do this, the situation resolves itself without you having to do anything different on the outside. Simply want and commit to the

truth and the next step, and within seven to ten days, the situation will resolve itself so that
everyone can be happy. If someone is not your true partner, they will leave with no bad feelings on anyones part, opening for your true partner to come in. If you are the one with two partners, one will come forward with the qualities of both. I have seen this work, even when there were children with both partners in a triangle. It looked impossible, but a week later, one partner and child came and told the man to go where he would be happy in such a way as to free him from this deadly dilemma.

Page 130 of 184

4. A. Imagine yourself caught in Oedipal mire. Ask your angel or your creative mind to airlift you out of the muck and onto the next step. B. Alternately, you can ask that they pull you down through the Oedipal mire down to the next step. C. Ask to be taken back to where your family had its biggest separation. What occurred if you were to know How old were you if you were to know Who was involved if you were to know

Go back there and do a bonding exercise, having the light inside of everyone extend to all the family members. Do this for as many times as is necessary to restore the family to peace and joy.

Repeat exercise C at least five other times to heal those situations that even now are causing you to have ambivalence and be less than committed to your partner.

Do this bonding exercise with your partner. Have the light inside you join the light inside them. Then have the light inside them connect and join with the light inside you. Do this until there is only one light. After each time you do a bonding notice the effect of it on your feelings and on the situation.

Key Insight: The Oedipus Complex is a subconscious trap rooted in childhood family dynamics and can show up at any time during your relationship, but mostly once you have reached the Dead Zone Stage. You can tell the Oedipus Conspiracy is occurring if suddenly you lose all attraction for your partner or if you feel revulsion or repulsion toward them emotionally or sexually. The way through is always to head for your partner with awareness and communication. Commitment easily transforms the Oedipal Conspiracy.

Page 131 of 184

Chapter 40

Your Partner as Your Mirror

This chapter points out how our partner reflects subconscious and unconscious elements in our own mind. It shows how, as we transform our own self-concepts, we can see remarkable improvement in our partner.

The world around you reflects your mind. Just like the dreams you have at night reflect your mind, so does the waking dream of your daylight hours reflect your mind. Your partner then is your closest mirror, reflecting back to you hidden (or not so hidden) parts of your mind. Your partner and children reflect back to you both subconscious (since conception) and unconscious (ancestral and soul) elements.

Your partner will act out for you all the parts that you split off in your mind. Now, every time there is a profound joining through love, forgiveness or integration, your partner moves closer.

Exercise What you perceive in the world represents beliefs and belief systems. Every belief is a self-concept, so all perception goes through your own beliefs and experiences of yourself before you see it in the world. Your belief systems dictate how your life unfolds for you.

I. Ask yourself how many belief systems you have that your partner is acting out for you

Ask yourself how these belief systems serve you What purpose do they serve?

Ask yourself what excuse having belief systems like this provide for you

Ask yourself how many past lives you were just like your partner

Another way to ask this, using a different metaphor, is how many unconscious self-concepts you have that come from your unconscious life scripts, it is probably

Page 132 of 184

Ask yourself what lesson you were looking to learn to live so many lifetimes or have so many life scripts just like how your partner is

In regard to how many negative belief systems you have that your partner reflects back to you, you can let go of these belief systems and choose something better. Or you can give them to heaven and see what you are given back in their place.

II. As you go forward to different stages, other, more buried belief systems become available to let go of. The same occurs with other levels of the mind. As you move forward, traps buried up to this point appear to try to stop you from moving forward.

What gifts were you meant to bring into those past lives or life scripts in which you lived like your partner

If you realise that your partner and you or you by yourself have other lifetime or life script patterns or karma that is bringing about the present situation, ask yourself how many of these stories you have

Ask yourself how many are necessary to heal to completely shift the pattern, it is probably

If you are working out your life script patterns, take a pen and paper and, using stream of consciousness or whatever pops in, write these life script stories down. These scripts were chosen by you for some purpose. You can let them go when you see they do not express what you really want.

The following is a good healing way to use if you are using the past lives metaphor.

If you were to know what country you were living in, it is probably the country that is now called

If you knew if you were a man or a woman, you were probably a

Page 133 of 184

If you were to know if anyone in the present situation was there in that other lifetime, it was probably

If you were to know what happened back there that is affecting you here, it is probably

If you were to know what lesson you were looking to learn back there and how well you learned it

If you were to know what soul-level gift you had meant to contribute in life back there, it was probably

Now, imagine yourself going back to when you were a little child in that life. Embrace your soul-level gift and share it with everyone and everything in that life.

Can you embrace those gifts now and share them with everyone you are in those unconscious-level soul stories with? As everyone is freed of their traps, bring the good feeling into the present.

Key Insight: Your partner is your closest mirror, reflecting back to you hidden (or not so hidden) parts of your mind. By completing the exercise in this chapter you will be able to bring these hidden selfconcepts to your conscious awareness and move through them.

Chapter 41

Sex
This chapter shows how sex, which is essentially communication, can either be used as a vehicle for love or for need. The first builds the relationship, and the second makes it a battleground. The chapter further explores societal messages and the effect of the Oedipus Complex and sexual abuse on sex in a relationship. I present a description of the stages of sex and exercises to reconnect us with love, sex and our partner.
Page 134 of 184

Sexual Imbalance in Relationship Sex is one of the essential areas of a love relationship. It is a bridge of communication that can build a foundation of love. When I worked as a marriage counsellor, almost every couple that came to me had a complaint about sex. One partner or the other felt that they were not getting enough sex. Sex is not only one of the areas in which we express love; it is also one of the areas in which we express our needs. Until a couple has reached a level of partnership, needs can be off-putting and unattractive. On the other hand, the extent to which we are unattached to sex is to extent to which we are attractive to our partner. Being dissociated and independent can generate attraction also but for all the wrong reasons. Our independence will generate control and typically sends our partner into the dependent and, therefore, less attractive position. In the dependent position, you want to possess your partner because they seem to have something that you do not. This puts you in a difficult situation because the extent to which your partner is dissociated and independent is the extent to which they are afraid of being possessed emotionally or sexually, and this makes for a difficult dynamic sexually.

Any major area of relationship, such as sex, money, health, child-raising or career can become the chronic problem in a relationship. Every relationship has a chronic problem, which will be the most trying area of relationship for one or both partners. Sex is one of the favorite chronic problems in relationships. When one partner begins to feel needy, sex becomes one of the common ways to attempt to get needs met. This can generate all kinds of power struggle, as both partners negotiate their needs. With mature communication and response, this can provide a wonderful opportunity for building the relationship. But without understanding, sensitivity and responsiveness, there can be feelings of fear, loss, being unloved and feeling rejected. Even after you reach higher stages of partnership, you will most likely review these basic lessons all over again at a new stage. In relationships where sex is the chronic problem, one partner can be listless, wounded, unresponsive or disinterested. Sometimes, they are objecting to a feeling of being taken from. At other times, your or your partners sexual energy can bring up memories of abuse, or other guilt-inducing deadness such as the Oedipus Conspiracy. The more one person seems withdrawn or unresponsive in sex, to the same extent, the other partner seems overly sexed. This can make sex into a battleground instead of a playground. Actually, the ego attempts to use everything regarding the body as political or a way to gain control for itself. This not only includes sex but all forms of illness and injury.

Page 135 of 184

Sexuality and Societal Conditioning As far as I can ascertain, we live in a world where even the most gifted people sexually are only operating at about 30 percent of their sexuality, while normal people are operating at about 20 percent, with those wounded in sex operating at only 5 to 15 percent. This means that a significant amount of spontaneity, vitality, naturalness and rejuvenation has been lost. At best, we are looking at the area of sex myopically. Besides religious beliefs, which distort sex with shame and guilt, sex gets tied into oedipal areas of competition, exaggeration, guilt, fear of intimacy and success, and repression. All of this interferes with how we experience sex. Self-concepts around sex lead to self-consciousness and shame, instead of inspiration and naturalness. It is only when we have a quiet mind, are no-minded or in love do we have the possibility of experiencing the earth-shaking fireworks that sex can provide. For most people not caught up in a Sex Conspiracy, it is their one chance to fully let go and their closest experience of Heaven on earth. As consciousness increases, it makes the whole area of sex grow in ecstatic possibility instead of being the quick boink of an oil change.

Unfortunately, all too many people have become dissociated around sex through heartbreak and relationship wounds. They have cut the cords between their heart and sex and even between their head and their hearts in regard to sex. This leads them to either cut off sex altogether, have very dissociated sex or go to great lengths to have wild or kinky sex so that they can feel something.

There is a negative societal effect on sex and relationships that can also be exacerbated by the Oedipal Conspiracy. This is a trap that can unwittingly happen between a man and a woman. I call this effect the story of the flower and the bee.

The little bee is happily buzzing around the meadow, gathering nectar from the flowers until a certain flower spies him out and sees that, among all of the bees, she wants him for her little buzzer. At which time, she exudes a certain special fragrance that she wafts over only to him. The little bee takes one heady sniff of the exotic essence and bzzzzes right over to the flower. It is love at first bzzz and the little bee bzzzzzes happily around his flower. Things continue merrily enough until at some point after they are married, the flower, remembering her early flower training in which she was told that good flowers are not so open and forthcoming in their fragrance begins to hold back. As a result, the flower begins to close up. Even when she is open, she is much less generous with her fragrance. The poor little bee does not know what is happening and bzzzzes all around trying to discover and understand why things have changed. A couple of scenarios can occur at this point. The little bee can sadly begin to droop and lose some of his
Page 136 of 184

bzzz, after which the flower begins to droop a bit, also. Or, after bzzzing around the flower and trying to get some response, the bee goes bzzzing off looking for nectar in the meadow. When this occurs the flower wakes up thinking, Oh, No! I cant let this happen and wafts her lovely fragrance out to her bee again. The little bee, although far away, once again sniffs the happy familiar fragrance and, excited bzzzzzs back to his flower to be greeted happily on his return. But all too soon, the little flower begins to close up once more, caught between being a good flower and giving to her true bee. This can go back and forth for a while until either they both wilt or the bee goes off on his own, though he would rather not. Another happier scenario is that the flower and bee wake up and make their love and intimacy paramount. In which case, they both live happily ever after to the sound of much bzzzzzing.

The Oedipus Conspiracy

One key aspect that affects sex is one that is subconscious but very powerful in dictating how our sex life is. As we explored in the chapter dedicated to this topic, this conspiracy occurs when you transfer the unfinished business of sexual attraction and societal taboo onto your present partner from your parents or even your siblings. This can kill sexual attraction and generate revulsion instead. It can lead to affairs, power struggle, deadness or no relationships. When, unbeknownst to yourself, you project your mother, father or siblings onto your partner it can lead you to find excuses to avoid sex. This whole pattern can lead to the Madonna-Whore syndrome for men, in which he treats his wife with passionless respect and does all the fun, nasty things with someone outside the relationship. For women, it can set up a wife-mistress conflict. The wife has the position, and the mistress has the fun. The Oedipus Conspiracy generates deadness toward your partner while there is attraction to others outside your relationship.

Sexual Abuse and Incest

A history of sexual abuse can lead to exaggeration or withdrawal from sex. If you are the partner of someone who has been abused sexually, you are usually telling them at some level that your love for them is more important to you than having your favourite thing sex. If this is the case, you most likely made a soul-level promise to save them from their Sex Conspiracy.

I have found that under sexual abuse, there are a number of dynamics going on. The most prevailing of these is the attempt to save the family by playing the role of the martyr and literally laying yourself down
Page 137 of 184

in sacrifice. This mistaken attempt of using sexual abuse to try to save the family can take place within or outside the family. This is playing the martyr role in the family and this role, in whatever form it takes, such as accidents, illnesses, physical or sexual abuse and even giving up your life, rarely works to save the family.

Besides the sacrifice dynamic, I have always found gifts of sexual leadership and precocity under someones sexual trauma. The abuse gives the victim an excuse not to pursue these gifts. Given the state of sexual backwardness in society, this is not surprising. Sexual abuse was an ego solution that you used to hide yourself. This means it was no solution to the issue of fulfilling your promise to accomplish your purpose of teaching, healing and leading in the area of sex when it seems such an overwhelming job. Grace is Heavens solution. Victimisation is what occurs when you identify with your ego. Through love, innocence, humour and playfulness, you can win back your partner if they have been wounded sexually. It is also important to remember that your partner is a mirror for you, also. This means that, at an unconscious level, you have self-concepts that are just like how your partner is acting. They may have come down ancestrally or from childhood, but more often they come from the soul level where you have key soul stories or karmic past lives where you live by such scripts. These can be let go of for more successful and more intimate life scripts. If you have been wounded sexually, recommit to yourself and your sexuality. Recommit to a loving, successful sexual relationship with your partner. Do this daily. Do this nightly.

The Stages of Sex

There are stages that everyone goes through in normal adult sexual development. The first stage is where you have excitement because of the novelty of sex. This is the stage that is so very strong because it is when you first engage in sex. Even to see your sexual partner nude in all their glory can be the most aesthetic and sensual of experiences, especially if nudity was not a natural, accepted part of your family or country culture. What was repressed is now expressed with a vengeance.

Partners can be frightened when this stage ends and seek to prolong it by returning to what is forbidden by having affairs or becoming ever more kinky. If the first stage of sex is relinquished for the second stage, a sexual maturity emerges in the relationship. In the second stage, you learn to make love to your partner in a personal way. It is not just a physical love experience; it is an emotional love
Page 138 of 184

experience where you are joining a partner wherever they are in whatever emotional experience they happen to be. This is a real act of love to find and join a partner, not just physically but emotionally.

When you get past this stage, you reach the third stage, which is the partnership stage. It can be a golden time sexually when emotional and psychological wounds have been healed. Sexuality can branch out from passion to playfulness to profound love to being humorous and tender.

The fourth stage of sex is tantra. This is sex at a more bonded level that uses the vehicle of emotions and the body but goes beyond it to the wellspring of the soul as the gateway to the spirit. Here is the realisation that you are consciousness and your joining occurs at the level of energy. The final stage is that of the mystic, where you seek communion with your beloved to open your experience of God the Beloved. This lovemaking carries you into timelessness and the fields of light.

In whatever stage you are in with regard to sex, it is important to know that there is a higher stage that you can evolve to and that sex is not just drilling for oil but an evolution in love and spirit.

Whilst it is important to realise what sexual stage you are in, it is also important to realise what stage of relationship you are in: Romance, Power Struggle, Dead Zone, Partnership, Leadership, Vision or Mastery, as this is a key determinant in the quality of sex you are having. Committing to your partner sexually and emotionally can raise you up to the next stage.

Exercise I. Ask yourself: How many wires have you cut between your heart and your genitals? How many wires have you cut between your head and your heart in regard to sex?

How has this affected your experience of your partner and your experience of sex with your partner?

No matter what caused the break in the wires, it does not have to stay this way. By your choice and the help of your higher mind, you can have the wires be reconnected, bringing juice back to these areas.
Page 139 of 184

II. Go back to the point where you had your greatest setback sexually.

Was it heartbreak, abuse, guilt or shame?

Whatever emotion you picked up in the event was an emotion that every other person in that event either picked up then or brought into it. Instead of catching the wound that someone had sexually that led them to act in a wounding way, ask yourself what soul gift you brought in to heal that particular pain in that person. Share that gift energetically with whomever is in the scene until they are free of the pain. See it pass through them to whoever passed it to them or whoever else they passed it to so that the gift goes through the entire network of victims and victimisers. Bring the results of the healed event all the way up to the present time.

III. What was the major sexual trap passed through your mothers side of the family? Your fathers side? Your partners mothers side? Your partners fathers side? Trust your intuition on your answers.

Next, what was the gift you brought in to heal your mothers side of the family? Give this gift to your mother energetically and then pass it up through the family until everyone is free.

What was the gift you brought in for your fathers side of the family? Pass this gift to him and up through his side of the family.

What is the gift you brought in for your partners mothers side of the family? Now pass this gift to your partner and up through them and up your mothers side of the family.

Page 140 of 184

What is the gift you brought in for your partners fathers side of the family? Pass this gift through your partner up through their fathers side of the family.

IV. Whatever your sexual block is in your relationship or in your self, ask yourself what the gift it is meant to hide.

Embrace the sexual gift and, as you embrace this, it will dissolve the sexual trap.

V. Turn any sexual problem and your perception of the sexual problem over to your own creative mind for transformation. Note the change that occurs day by day.

Key Insights: Sex is a form of communication. Employed in a true way, it can form a truly loving foundation for your whole relationship. Sex is not only one of the areas in which we express love; it is also one of the areas in which we express our needs. This can be where we run into problem areas. Through love, innocence, humour and playfulness, you can win back your partner if they have been wounded sexually. By understanding the stages of sex described in this chapter you will be able to evolve onto higher and higher stages with your partner.

Chapter 42

Competition
This chapter explores the destructive effect of competition on our relationships. Competition, which emerges as a result of our unbonded families in our relationships, generates both power struggle and deadness in a relationship. I present ways to move beyond competition to cooperation and partnership.

Page 141 of 184

Competition is the bane of relationships. It comes from unbonded families, and it is passed from generation to generation. It is the root of all conflict, and as a result, brings about both power struggle and deadness. Deadness at one level could be considered the comfortable distance that you place between you and your partner so as not to have to lose to them in your competition. In this case, the withdrawal at the root of the deadness becomes part of the fight. Competition is also used as a defence against dealing with certain issues that you do not wish to face. It puts all of your attention on winning or at least on not losing, in an effort to hide your nightmares under the certainty of your professed belief in winning as the way to success. Yet, winning is not necessarily always successful nor is losing always unsuccessful, but rather a learning experience to bring greater success. The key to success in relationships is intimacy. Through this intimacy, there is love, bonding, focus, ease and freedom and, you will experience a corresponding success in your work.

When there is competition, either you or your partner has to lose. This means you will be paying the bill, no matter who wins. As you win and your partner loses, they become less attractive as they begin failing in one or more area. If you begin losing, you feel both less attractive and less worthy.

Bonding that was lost or missing in your original family can be regained in your present relationship. Without getting through the defence of competition to face the fears of going forward, you will never reach the cooperation of partnership, which brings interdependence, success and intimacy and saves so much time.

Exercise Ask yourself the following questions:

1. On the scale of 100%, how competitive are you...

2. If you were to know in what specific ways it affects your partner, your children, your original family and your work associates, it is by...

3. If you were to know how you could be a better partner, it would be by...

Page 142 of 184

4. If you were to know what specific action you could take to end any competition between you and your partner, it would be by...

Healing Principles: the path to partnership Here are some healing principles to help you move out of competition and into partnership.

I. Commitment can move you up to the next step in relationship.

II. See your partner as yourself. This leads to equality, mutuality and contact with your partner at new levels.

III. Live by cooperation. Realise that all the higher levels of success and intimacy are based on cooperation. Competition obfuscates areas where you lack self-inclusion, the trap that keeps the Dead Zone Stage going. Competition sets up a win-lose dynamic in which you have to lose part of the time in order to keep the win-lose dynamic going. It also keeps you caught in a superior-inferior dynamic, which is time-consuming, self-absorbed and self-attacking. It turns excellence into a form of competition and you attempt to prove you are the best instead of committing to equality. Of course, if you really believed you were good, you would not need to prove it.

IV. Commit to partnering with your partner. It is the only way to be happy. You will pay for the glee of every little win by ambush, passive-aggression and withdrawal, which will set up deadness. Without partnership, your relationship becomes a mere shell and you are robbed of a vehicle for love and transformation. Be aware that every place your partner screws up shows a place you were looking to win. Give this up for the support that allows you both to win.

Commit to equality in your relationship. Where there is equality, there can be no competition, only partnership.

Page 143 of 184

Key Insights: Competition lies at the root of all conflict, and as a result, brings about both power struggle and deadness. The key to success in relationships is intimacy Bonding that was lost or missing in your original family can be regained in your present relationship.

Chapter 43

Appreciation
This chapter explores the power of appreciation to create flow in a relationship and how it can be used to transform our relationships.

Appreciation can save relationships It was the last day of a relationship workshop I was facilitating when a remarkable thing occurred. I asked everyone in the workshop to write down what they appreciated about their partners. One woman who was about to divorce her husband could not think of one thing that she appreciated about her husband. I supported her asking questions about areas in which she might have some appreciation for her husband. To each of these questions, the woman replied a firm no. She had no appreciation for her husband in any of the areas that I asked about. Finally, her face lit up as she recalled what a good provider her husband was and how hard he worked for the family. The more she thought about it, the happier she got until in a short ten minutes, her whole feeling for her husband had transformed as a result of her appreciation. It was the spark that reignited her love for him and allowed her to feel his love. While all of the other participants had had definite movement forward, as a result of appreciation, this womans movement forward with her husband was definitive.

Appreciation generates flow. If you have been stuck in your relationship, it provides just the impetus to get past the defence of a problem. Once you get past a defence, it is of no further use and falls away. This provides a breath of fresh air and, in some instances, as in the above example, it provides a saving grace.

Page 144 of 184

Exercise Make a list of all the qualities that you appreciate about your partner. Do this as fast as you can simply using whatever pops into your mind. Then take your time to go over each and dwell on it for a while. As you do this, you may remember other qualities about your partner that you appreciate and feel grateful for.

Now, look back on your relationship to all the times your partner deserves appreciation and gratitude. As you do this, take a little time to savour each of these times.

Key Insights: Appreciation has the power to save relationships. If you give yourself fully to the exercise in this chapter you will bring new life to yours.

Chapter 44

Healing Ancestral Issues

This chapter explores how our ancestral issues generate present destructive patterns in our life and relationships. It presents a way to heal this past, and free ourselves, our partner and our ancestors.

Healing Ancestral issues has provided some of the key breakthroughs in my work with relationships. What can start as a trauma with one ancestor can be passed down through the generations, and show up as many different symptoms along the way. Similarly, lack of success in life and relationships could appear as a similar strain passed down in the family. As early as 1975, I was using this method to free some of my clients. Sometimes, this was the essential element that allowed the relationship to transform and reach a whole new level of success.

Healing Ancestral Patterns Over the years, I have found a number of efficacious ways besides my own to heal ancestral patterns, such as from NLP and TimeLine Therapy. But I also heard of an Episcopal priest in the U.K. who was doing a ritual for ancestors who had been buried in unblessed ground, and it was having the same efficacious
Page 145 of 184

effect of relieving symptoms. I believe where the intention is strong, people will find the way that makes a healing difference for them no matter what the form. Here is a way that has worked in thousands of instances around the world.

Exercise Ask yourself what trap was passed through your mother's side of the family...

Ask yourself how many generations ago this began...

Ask if it began with a man, a woman or both...

Ask what occurred that set this pattern in motion...

Now, ask yourself what soul-level gift you brought in to heal this ancestral trap...

Open up this gift and embrace it. Now fill your mother up energetically with the gift. When this is complete, pass it through her up her ancestral line to where the problem began until everyone is freed.

Now do this same exercise with your father's side of the family.

When this is complete, do it through your partner up through his mother's or her father's side of the family, as you have brought gifts in to free her or his parents' families, also.

Both gifts and challenges have been passed down to you through your family. As you go forward, you will realise that other challenges actually have their root in past generations, but you are no more trapped by them than something that happened a week ago. And you are not trapped at all if you really want to transform a pattern with all your heart.

Page 146 of 184

It is good to repeat this exercise periodically. It is also of great help in healing Dead Zone and Oedipal issues, as these are also passed down ancestrally. What are the soul-level gifts you brought in to free your ancestors of this karma or soul pattern? Pass it through your parents up to your ancestors freeing everyone of these patterns.

Key Insights: What can start as a trauma with one ancestor can be passed down through the generations, and show up as many different symptoms along the way. These can cause huge problems in our relationships if we are not aware of them. Return to the exercises in this chapter whenever you feel that an ancestral issue arises for you or your partner.

Chapter 45

Curtain Call for Healing

This chapter presents a highly effective healing method that transforms present problems and old traumas and the problems that lead to problem patterns.

Exercise This is a healing exercise that can be used to solve problems. It can also be used to heal post-traumatic stress by using it to transform the image of old trauma that is stuck in your mind causing negative beliefs, emotions and behaviour.

Imagine you are seated with those you love in a theatre. Ask your creative, higher mind for help. As you look at the curtains, it seems that your problem or the old trauma is being shown up on the curtains. At a certain point, when you are ready, the curtains pull back to reveal another set of curtains upon which the next scene is projected. This scene will typically be slightly better than the last one unless you have been suppressing emotions or the problem has unconscious roots, in which case it will seem to get worse for a few curtains. This exercise cleans out images that have been stored in your mind. As you are ready again, see the curtains pull back. What is projected on the next set of curtains? As the next image presents itself,
Page 147 of 184

experience it but quickly ask your higher mind for the next scene. Look and feel how that scene shows itself but quickly ask for the next set of curtains, especially if it is unpleasant. In this fashion, make your way from curtain to curtain until there is only a beautiful light on the curtains.

When this occurs, ask yourself what percentage the original issue or scene has improved. Now, if it has improved only a little or it has not progressed at all, then you know that you are using this scene for some hidden purpose. What might you be using it for?

What does it allow you to do or what is it you do not have to do?

What excuse does it give you?

What indulgence do you get to keep?

What investment have you made that you need to keep this trauma or problem?

No matter what percentage is left, you can repeat the curtain exercise, using whatever image still comes to your mind from the original scene. However you remember or see what is left of the original scene, begin with that image. Then begin pulling back the curtains one at a time until there is either a very happy scene or beautiful light.

Repeat this exercise until there is no percentage of the problem or original trauma left over.

This is an easy, simple exercise that can be used to progress any situation.

Key Insight: Use this exercise to become aware of the multi-layered patterns that exist in your mind.

Page 148 of 184

Chapter 46

Dark Stories
This chapter explores the crucial unconscious patterns of life scripts. It shows how they can determine our experiences in relationships chapter after chapter. It demonstrates ways to become aware of and let go of our dark relationship stories to free ourselves and transform our relationships.

My Discovery When I had been a therapist a mere thirteen years, I treated a client who had been thrown out of therapy by her very famous therapist for being in "bad faith." Together they had cleared up all of her adult and childhood heartbreak patterns so that she was ready to go off and make a fresh start in relationships. But after two months in her new relationship, she once again suffered rejection and heartbreak. This was compounded by her therapist kicking her out of therapy because, having done so much work to clean out adult and childhood heartbreak patterns, he felt she should have been healed and free. She was, except for one thing. Unbeknownst to herself, she was telling Heartbreak Stories.

Together, we pulled up dozens of the Heartbreak Stories she was scripting her life with. When we got down to her motivation, we found that she was addicted to romance at the beginning of relationships and dark glamour and tragic romance at the end. She was able to let these heartbreaking scripts go when she realised that she would be given creativity in exchange for the drama. This would allow her to finally get on with her life and still have the thrill of love. Six months after our session, I heard that she was engaged to be married.

These dark stories can occur at unconscious levels, so they program your life. Yet, they all depend on remaining hidden to exist. Brought to the light of the conscious mind, you naturally let go of Heartbreak, Tragic, Misunderstanding, Martyr, Fear, Revenge, Sad, Guilt, Needy, Sacrifice, Independent, Soap Opera, Control, Dead Zone and Oedipal Stories, et cetera. When you find that you have something like this scripting your life, ask yourself how many of these dark stories you have. I have found that just getting rid of one is not enough when you have dozens. The bigger the trap, the bigger the soul-level gift that it is defending against. And these Dark Stories hide major soul-level gifts, usually positive Life Stories.

Page 149 of 184

Exercise Ask yourself how many different kinds of dark stories are influencing your relationship...

Ask yourself what different types you have...

Ask yourself how many you have of each one...

Would you be willing to turn these over to Heaven and see what you are given for your Dark Stories?

Simply let them go and see what aspect of grace or soul-level gifts await you.

Now imagine the effect of the removal of the Dark Stories and the effect this addition of the soul-level gift has on your life in the next three, six and twelve months.

Key insight: We are all writing stories in our lives and, in some cases, negative stories. The good news is that the bigger the trap, the bigger the soul-level gift that it is defending against.

Chapter 47

I'd Rather Be Happy

This chapter reviews our subconscious desire to be right all the time. This desire to control reality wreaks havoc on our ability to be happy.

In any problem, especially in relationship problems, you are attempting to make yourself right about something. As a line from A Course in Miracles states:

Page 150 of 184

"Do you want to be right or happy?"

This reminds me of the line on a gravestone that always reminds me of the absurdity of our desire to be right. It reads:

"I told you I was sick."

Do you want to be right or happy? Being right is usually one of the subconscious dynamics that lead to a problem, but it is a dynamic that hides both guilt and fear. The more wrong you feel, the more right and righteous you attempt to act. You are attempting to prove your point, but you are not willing to listen or learn.

Exercise Imagine every problem you have ever had. Realise that every time you were victimised was simply a place you were fighting to be right, unbeknownst to yourself. You can examine those areas in your life and ask yourself what it is that you are trying to be right about. Use your intuition to find the answers in those situations where you have held yourself back.

Look back on three of the major traumas that you have had in your life. What was it you were trying to be right about?

Trauma 1. 2. 3.

What You Were Being Right About

Now, examine your current relationship problem about what you are trying to be right about now. Then ask yourself what guilt, shame and fear this hides.

Page 151 of 184

Current Problem 1. 2.

Being Right

Guilt

Shame

Fear

Now comes the key question: "Do you want to be right or happy?" If you choose to be right, you will continue along the current unsuccessful path. If you choose to be happy, you can let go of your righteousness and ask Heaven or your own creative mind what you could have in its place. When you try too hard to convince others and prove that you are right, they seek to show where you are wrong. Of course, if you really believed it yourself, there would be no need to prove anything. But when you ask for guidance and you have sincere willingness, you are shown the way even in the midst of what looks like an impossible situation.

Give up your righteousness and the judgment underneath or you will only suffer as a result. You cannot be right and happy too. This has led me to make a little prayer for the times when I have a negative perception or experience:

"Lord, I hope I am wrong about this situation because if I am right, this is what I get. But if I am wrong about this, you will show me a better way."

If you want partnership by going beyond power struggle and deadness then you will need to leave righteousness behind you and become willing to be shown a better way.

Key Insights: In any problem, especially in relationship problems, you are attempting to make yourself right about something. You have a choice: you can either be right or happy. There is no in-between.

Page 152 of 184

Chapter 48

Healing Conspiracies
A conspiracy is a trap set up so well that looks as if there is no way out. The ego has constructed a seemingly fool-proof trap but A Course in Miracles states fool-proof traps are not God-proof. The ego builds itself on these types of chronic traps. It seeks to distract, delay and build itself at your expense. It wants you to give up hope when it looks as if you will never succeed in freeing yourself.

The Nature of Conspiracies You can have a Relationship, Sex or Sickness Conspiracy. You can have emotional conspiracies, such as Fear, Guilt, Failure, Heartbreak, Revenge, Sacrifice or Control. Anything wrongly used can set a conspiracy in place. To get out of a conspiracy, which depends on remaining hidden in the unconscious as its best defence, you simply need to bring it to your awareness and choose again. A conspiracy can never make you happy, though sometimes they do succeed in helping you hide, give you an excuse not to show up, get revenge, be independent or gain control. The indulgence a conspiracy offers only leads to more sacrifice. Every conspiracy is an attempt to hide from your purpose and give you the excuse to do whatever you want.

Exercise Examine your life for conspiracies past and present. What was so distracting that your whole life seemed to revolve around it? When you are caught by a big trap from the past, it is a sure sign of a conspiracy.

Ask yourself what conspiracies you have and how many of each type of these conspiracies you have...

Conspiracies show where you have invested in the ego and its control. You could let go of this investment and free yourself. You can simply stop investing in it and give your perception of the situation over to your higher mind to show you a new way.

Examine what you thought the payoff would be for having a certain conspiracy? Was it true? Did the ego keep its promise? Did it make you happy or would you like to start all over again and leave this behind you?
Page 153 of 184

What were the gifts each conspiracy attempted to hide?

If you have a Relationship Conspiracy, how many do you have and what are the gifts your Relationship Conspiracies are trying to hide?

You could embrace these gifts now. It will help you find a way to be free.

It's your life, and you can choose how you live it. You do not need the 'safety' of a Relationship Conspiracy. It really provides no safety at all, as you can tell by looking at your present situation. You can leave this prison behind, and you can leave prison after prison behind until you are finally willing to leave all prisons behind.

Key Insights: A conspiracy is a trap that is set up so well that it seems there is no way out. No trap, however, is God proof. Conspiracies never make you happy and provide no real safety. Bringing them to your awareness helps you to let go of them and move past them.

Chapter 49

The Crossroads
This chapter explores a core dynamic of all problems and how to reverse the destructive effect of mistaken choices at key crossroads in our lives. By bringing these choices to our awareness, and returning to these pivotal moments, we can make new choices for our lives. Every problem represents a crossroads.

After three-plus decades of exploring the subconscious, I discovered that every problem represents a crossroads. The ego is attempting to lure you down one path, offering you every incentive. This includes such offers as doing whatever you want or doing things your way, having control or being independent, hiding and avoiding your purpose, being right and other similarly tempting strategies. Many times, the ego does not keep its promise even if you go down its path. At other times, it keeps its promise, but what was
Page 154 of 184

promised does not make you happy. As a matter of fact, it leads to bigger problems and the ego makes another offer which leads you even further down the path of building your ego and away from life. On the other hand, your own creative mind and Heaven are offering another solution, one that contains gifts, grace and more relatedness. This path is always more successful, not just for the present situation but for the rest of your life.

I have found that traumas from the past represent similar crossroads but ones in which the ego's path has been chosen. The ego tells you a little bit of pain is a small price to pay to get off the hook of doing some impossible purpose or having an excuse to do whatever you want. These types of decision lead to root events that set up painful patterns. By taking people back to the original crossroads and clearly delineating what the offers were on both sides as depicted through their intuition, they can choose once again, this time consciously choosing the path of gifts and grace. As they embrace the gifts and share them, the people involved in those situations are freed of their traps, also.

I was just working with a woman with an incurable cancer. We went back to a crossroads where, out of burnout and exhaustion, she decided to end her life. After I took her back to the crossroads to see the difference of what her ego and higher mind were offering her, it was easy for her to decide on the gifted path of the higher mind. I had her take the hand of herself back there and travel the path of truth up to the present moment. I then began to work with her on what led to the burnout and exhaustion.

Exercise Now, consider your present relationship problem.

When was the exact moment you were at the crossroads and the ego path that led to the problem?

What did the ego offer you to go down its path?

What happened as a result of choosing the ego path?

Did it make you happy?

Page 155 of 184

Back to that crossroads to see what your own higher mind is offering to go up its path...

What would you like to choose now knowing what will occur if you re-choose the ego path?

Follow the path of your higher mind. Embrace the gift offered to you by Heaven. Share those gifts energetically with whomever is involved in this situation. Take the path of your higher mind up to this present moment.

Now, go back to three major events in your life that have negatively influenced your relationships. Go back to the point of the crossroads and choose again. What would really make you happy?

Key Insights: By returning to key crossroads in our lives, and bringing the choices we made to our awareness, we can make new choices for ourselves. Every problem represents a crossroads. Your ego will always offer you a pathway, but your own creative mind and Heaven are offering another solution, one that contains gifts, grace and more relatedness.

Chapter 50

Healing the Authority Conflict

This explores the authority conflict as one of the key dynamics of all problems, especially relationship problems. I present the centring method, which has the power to return us to peace and success.

One of the roots of every problem is the authority conflict. In the beginning, it was what led to separation, fear and building your ego. Similarly, as I have worked deep in the unconscious, the deepest of all the shadow figures that I have found is the Rebel. Like the authority conflict, the Rebel is often deeply buried and heavily compensated for. Yet, whenever you have a problem, your authority conflict is part of what is going on. This can be with your partner, parents, boss, co-workers or just about anyone. The authority conflict with them actually comes from you fighting yourself, your higher mind and God.
Page 156 of 184

Giving up your Authority Conflict An authority conflict can wreak havoc in a relationship because you want to direct the relationship and be in control. At the very least you do not want to listen to your partner regardless of whether or not they are right. Consciousness ascends from dependency to independence and from there to interdependence and from partnership to radical dependence. In radical dependence, you give up the ego's last prerogative to choose. In return, you receive the guidance that would always give you the best way for you and others to be happy, not only now but forever. Basically, every step in evolution and in relationship is a place where you give up your way for greater love and intimacy. You give up your ego for the benefit of truth and love.

The extent to which you truly give up your ego will be the same extent that your partner does also because the call of love is irresistible.

Exercise Now, if you are willing to let go of your ego and its authority conflict for love and a more successful relationship, you can use these questions to help.

If you were to know how old you were when you the biggest part of your authority conflict began, it was at the age of...

Who was present was probably...

And what was happening was probably something like

Now in that situation, ask your own creative higher mind to carry you and everyone there to your respective centres, places of peace, joy and innocence.

How does this affect the scene?

Page 157 of 184

Now, once again, ask to be carried to a second centre where there is even more peace, love and abundance. How does the scene seem now?

Take your time but ask that you be carried back to each successive centre, one that is both higher and deeper until you and everyone in that scene have reached a place of light, love and joy.

When this is complete and you feel deep abiding peace, ask your higher mind to carry you and everyone in your present relationship issue back to their centres, relaxing ever more deeply. Ask that you and everyone be returned to your centres in the present situation at least ten times or until the whole scene has turned to light.

Key insights: The authority conflict is one of the key dynamics of all problems. An authority conflict can wreak havoc in a relationship because you want to direct the relationship and be in control. When you give up your authority conflict, your partner will do the same and to the same extent.

Summary

You have now finished the Relationship Emergency Kit. It is not meant to be just a one-time read but as a resource to be there whenever you need it. From time to time, you can open the book and practice whichever chapter you land on or guess a number between one and fifty or even put the fifty numbers in a hat and pick one, two or however many numbers you feel you need.

Your relationship is a priceless jewel. It is the fastest path of personal and spiritual growth if practiced. It deserves your investment. It deserves you. Learn how to enhance and transform yourself and your relationship and you will enjoy huge rewards.

Good Luck and Good Loving. I wish you miracles.

Page 158 of 184

Glossary

A Course in Miracles
A set of books that contain profound psychological and spiritual wisdom. Using timely healing principles, it brings us to the timeless world of Oneness. Using a Christian model, it relates with the highest spiritual perspective of all religions and spiritual paths. Accountability This principle recognises that we are responsible for everything that has happened to us. Recognising that we, at some level, have chosen everything that has ever occurred (for whatever purpose) empowers us to transform the past with understanding: we can understand and let go of the past, rather than being caught in a victim stance, which, psychologically, is the weakest state of all. Accountability helps us transcend the painful illusion of guilt, enabling us to recognise where we made mistakes and correct them. Accountability is meant to free us and bring us back our power. Ancestral Pattern This is a negative pattern passed down inter-generationally through the family that began with a trauma or some negative experience. The pattern is passed down from parent to child, sometimes taking on different symptoms in each generation. Appreciation This is a healing gift that creates flow. It allows us to recognise and enjoy the qualities of those around us. Our appreciation of others is also a gift we give to ourselves, because it leads naturally to valuing what we have. Authority Conflict The authority conflict could be said to be one of the roots of all evil. There is no problem in which the authority conflict is not one of the main dynamics. The authority conflict is basically the desire to be our own boss, follow our own way and not have to listen to anyone who thinks differently to us regardless of whether they are right or wrong. The authority conflict is one of the great traps of the human mind that even shows up in the deepest parts of the unconscious. All problems reflect a fight, an act of rebellion, directed toward someone who is in a place of authority. It could be your partner, your parents or God. Most likely, it is all of the above.

Page 159 of 184

Being Right When your goal is to be right at all costs, you will use situations to show that you are right, even when it is harmful to you. You will try to prove that what you believe and are invested in is true. Beliefs Choices we have made over time or in dramatic situations become beliefs. Beliefs are choices caught in time; they are static thoughts that affect our emotions, our direction and our behaviour. They generate our perceptions and so bring about our experiences. Beliefs are values we have invested in and, whether positive or negative, become self-fulfilling prophecies. Blame Blame is an ego defence we use to hide and compensate for our feelings of guilt. Blame stops communication and starts fights. When we blame others we are only displacing our self-blame onto them. While we do this in an attempt to lessen our guilt, it actually makes us feel worse. Blaming is the opposite of taking responsibility. Bonding Bonding is best described as the psychological ties and connective joining that bring about love and success with ease. The more bonding there is in a situation, the more creativity, fun and joy there will be. Bonding heals all problems as it dispels the illusion of separation that brings about pain, loneliness and scarcity. Bonding heals the need, fear, loss, unwillingness and separation that are at the root of every problem. Centring This is a Psychology of Vision technique that allows bonding to be restored and brings people and situations to deeper experiences of peace, innocence, love and grace. Choice Choice is a healing gift. It is the investment of the mind and its power in a step in a certain direction. Negative choices are mistakes we make in an attempt to gain happiness. Choice is the primordial power of the mind; through it, all the other gifts that have been lost can be recovered. As we choose, so do we think. As we think, so do we feel, and what we feel determines how we act and what happens to us. We make choices to either live our purpose or move away from it - to move toward light or darkness, life or death. There are only two directions that choice can take: we can either move toward love or toward fear.
Page 160 of 184

Co-Dependency This is the fusion that comes about as the result of lost bonding. When our own natural centring is lost, we go into sacrifice with family members, and this is carried over into relationships. Co-dependency looks like we are taking care of another, but it is a role that hides our own fear of going forward. To be codependent is to be an untrue helper. In this position, we are frightened of the person who is ostensibly in need of help getting better because then we would have to change. Commitment If choice is a mountain, commitment is a mountain range. It is the choice to give ourselves fully to make a situation successful. Each commitment can have the effect of saving a great deal of time, to leap us forward to a new step in our lives. Commitment brings about a new level of success and intimacy. The extent of our commitment is the extent of our ease and feelings of freedom. Commitment clears obstacles and difficulties, creating opportunities and making the way smooth. Competition When bonding is lost, we become insecure. We begin to compete in an attempt to compensate for our insecurities. Competition is based on scarcity, comparison, delay and fear of the next step. It builds the ego, the principle of separation. It is an attempt to dominate or win over others in a way that builds our specialness. Competition is a mistaken attempt to satisfy needs, which can only be satisfied by love and bonding. Competition comes from lost bonding, and it is at the root of all conflict. Complaint Complaint is verbal distemper used with hopes of having others or the environment change according to our will. Complaining hides our fear of the change that would make the situation better. It is a form of control that we use in an attempt to hide old pain. At the deepest level, all complaints are self-complaints (judgments we have about ourselves). When we complain, we try to deny our responsibility for what is happening to make it look like it is all someone elses fault. Every problem is a complaint against another person or situation. If the problem is big enough, it points to where we are having a tantrum in an attempt to get our way. Control Any problem is an attempt to control another to do what you want or an attempt to control yourself out of fear you may go wild. Control comes from fear and old heartbreaks.

Page 161 of 184

Conspiracies Conspiracies are psychological traps in our mind that are set up so well that it looks like there is no way out for us. These chronic problems block us from accessing our soul-level gifts, and are ultimately designed to be a conspiracy against our life purpose. While conspiracies may seem to be foolproof, they are not God proof, so they can be healed. Dead Zone This is the final stage of independence, where we must face the defences our ego has generated to keep us out of partnership, which would bring about an accelerated path to its dissolution. When we are in the Dead Zone we work very hard but stay in the same place because we are giving but not receiving. We feel stuck, driven (or in some cases, lazy), exhausted and depressed. We may feel like a fraud and a failure, or that we dont have much of a life. It reflects the ways we have withdrawn in our lives, and how we play roles, follow rules and act out of duty but not in an authentic, giving way. In the Dead Zone we are engaged in the Oedipus Conspiracy, competition and fear of the next steps, which can be transcended through commitment, partnership, true friendship, leadership, giftedness, vision and facing the fear of the unconscious mind. The Dead Zone brings about feelings of deadness that we experience emotionally, sexually and spiritually. It represents a choice of form over spirit, a choice for the letter of the law rather than true integrity or authenticity. It is a time when we have the opportunity to heal many of the compensations and fusions that began with our original families. In the previous generation, most people or relationships did not survive the Dead Zone. It is the stage in relationships just prior to reaching partnership. Death Temptation Death temptation is the egos solution for a present problem or conflict. It suggests that we decide by not deciding. It is a way of giving up that brings about sleep rather than awakening. A death temptation comes about because we think of death as a way out, yet death resolves nothing. Defence Mechanism Defence mechanisms are strategies that were originally set up by the mind to aid and abet us, that have been usurped by the ego. Although they were originally created to protect us from pain, they keep us stuck in it rather than resolving it, and they invite attack. A defence mechanism is a reaction that not only does not provide a solution to our problem; it sets up a further problem to be solved.

Page 162 of 184

Dependence Dependence is the experience of need so great that we feel it necessary to be emotionally helped or carried by another. It is one of the three major roles that come about as a result of lost bonding. Dependence is a strategy of the ego to solve the problem of lost bonding: we give up our own power in an attempt to use the power of another. The egos plan is to get our need satisfied by taking from others. Dissociation Dissociation is a defence mechanism of the ego meant to deny and protect us from certain painful emotions, such as need, pain, guilt or sacrifice. It brings about a splitting of the mind, in which we look like we are in control and have it together, but inside we are still feeling all the pain, hunger and loneliness. It generates an inability to feel or receive because it generates conflict both inside and outside of us. Ego The ego is the principle of separation; it is built out of fear, pain, guilt, specialness, control and competition. It is generated by domination and control, or by weakness and victimisation (which is just a hidden form of control). It is the part of us that wants to be in charge ultimately, to be in charge of the whole Universe. The ego is starving for attention and wants to do everything its own way. We all need egos to function in the world, so it is part of our growth path to develop strong egos. Then, in order to progress forward into partnership and spirituality, we must heal the attack and self-attack, the separation, the inequality and the need to have more than others that the ego desires. In order to continue its existence, the ego makes a pact with us a contract that allows it to deal with the world and handle problems for us and it uses delays, distractions and all sorts of traps to keep itself strong. Once it is in place, it is more concerned with its own existence than it is in serving our true needs. The solutions it comes up with are solutions that lead to further problems. It fights God and our higher mind, even though it depends on the mind for its survival. The ego tries to convince us that our body is who we are. It viciously attacks us if we seek to transcend it. It eventually tries to kill us, thinking we are not good enough for it. Our ego is the ultimate rebel, and it attempts to make us the supreme authority and the sole author of our lives. Embracing Embracing is a feminine gift that allows us to hold, experience and cherish. It is an act of acceptance, joining and integration that allows us to receive positive qualities fully and to heal negative qualities. It is an act of emotional giving and receiving that opens the door for greater receiving. It is through giving ourselves fully that we are able to receive greatly.
Page 163 of 184

Emotional Evolution These are the steps we take forward towards maturity, wholeness and love. The greater our emotional maturity, the more successful we are in life and relationships. Every step in emotional evolution is a step forward in integrity, integration, our ability to give and to receive, joy, power and happiness. The path of emotional evolution is a path toward ever-greater truth. Excuse All problems are a form of excuse. We believe no one could expect anything of us given the nature of our problem. It either allows us to do something or gives us permission not to do something. Family Conspiracy This conspiracy directly sets up the Relationship Conspiracy. It is possibly the most chronic of the conspiracies along with the Oedipal Conspiracy. It locks us into dependent, independent or sacrifice roles, blocking life, success and relationships. Family Roles The core roles of hero, martyr and scapegoat (bad guy) are built on guilt, while the other two of CharmerClown-Mascot and Lost-Orphan-Invisible Child are built on guilt and inadequacy. These roles are forms of sacrifice that you live out in an attempt to save your family members, whose happiness is more important to you than your own. Fear Fear is a state of contraction brought on by separation and judgment. Because fear built the ego, and it is one of its main components, the ego produces fear. Fear comes from attempting to deal with the future, rather than being in the present moment. Its expectations of the future are built on a dark past. As one of the great illusions that create misery, it has the same general dynamics as loss, abandonment, need and unwillingness. Fear of a Gift Under every problem, there is a wonderful gift. You recognise the size of the gift by the size of the problem you are experiencing, which is a defence or denial of the gift. Fear of Commitment Because of your lack of self-inclusion and self-value, you do not believe you or anyone else is worth continuous attention. This leaves you doubtful, fickle, and afraid of partnership and intimacy. You have
Page 164 of 184

misconceptions given you by the ego in which you think you will lose your freedom. The truth is that you will lose independence but gain interdependence, which feels more focused, freer and richer on inner and outer planes. Fear of Loss All fear comes down to a fear of loss. There is paralysis about going forward, as there is a thought that you will lose something precious to you if you take a step. Consciously, you may want to go forward, but there is a hidden part of you that fears you will lose something if you do. Fear of Purpose This can set up very large traps or conspiracies that you use because you believe that you cannot handle your life purpose. It is one of the chief causes of major problems. Fear of the Next Step There is a fear of going forward because of feelings of inadequacy and fear of not being able to handle the next step. The size of the problem shows how big the next step is that the problem attempts to distract you from. Fear of Your Relationship Purpose You are afraid of how big the purpose of your relationship is. You promised that together you would bring some gift to life through your relationship. This may be a child or something that your love would create. Forgiveness Forgiveness is the most fundamental healing principle. It heals fear, and brings about transformation and happiness. It always generates a giving-forth that allows us to transcend withdrawal, guilt, judgment and fear. It moves us forward in life out of the problems generated by grievance and onto the next step in success. Fusion Fusion is a state of lost boundaries, co-dependence and enabling that is passed down inter-generationally, or is generated through family dynamics when we lose our centres. It produces sacrifice and attempts to compensate for feelings of failure. It is a form of counterfeit intimacy that serves the egos goal to prevent us from stepping forward. Fusion breeds resentment, deadness and an inability to receive. We are fused with another person instead of being bonded. This means that we hold onto them and suffer as they do
Page 165 of 184

which stops us from moving forward. This can be with a person in the present or from the past or both. Fusion means we will have lost or blurred boundaries with another person. Giftedness Part of the purpose of our life is to develop our gifts from a state of potential to a state of realization in order to enhance our life and the lives of others. Giftedness creates flow. One solution to any problem is to Recognise the gift the problem has been hiding and to embrace it. A human being has thousands of potential gifts just waiting to be Recognised, embraced, developed and enhanced by sharing. Giving Giving is one of the essential aspects of love. Giving allows us to reach out to others, sharing with them what we know is ours to share. Giving creates flow and is one of the essential healing principles. Whenever there is a problem, there is something that we are not giving. Gods Will God is the greatest force of Love in the Universe. Beyond time He is the principle of Oneness. His Will for us is our awakening and a return to the communion of love and joy. His Will for us is our true will for ourselves The best of All That Is. Grace Grace is Gods gift to us. It is energetic, healing and filled with feeling, forever flowing to us in whatever way we need it. It is Gods energy, love and light, there to empower and enlighten us so that our way can be made easy and full of delight. Grace helps us to realise ourselves as children of God. Grievance Every problem is a finger of accusation pointed at another that states, If only you had not done this, this problem could have never befallen me. A blaming, accusing attitude is at the root of all problems. Grievances generate problems, but like blame and judgment, they come from your guilt, which protects your hidden fear of going forward. Guilt Guilt is the result of mistaken self-judgment, which the ego uses to build and strengthen itself. Guilts purpose is to paralyse us and build monuments to our mistakes. We use guilt to hold ourselves back, and protect ourselves from our fear of stepping forward. While mistakes can be forgiven and corrected, guilt states that who we are is wrong and deserves punishment. When there is guilt, there is always selfPage 166 of 184

punishment and withdrawal. Guilt breeds separation and it is the key dynamic of judgment, grievances and attack. Ultimately, guilt is an act of revenge upon others and upon God. Every problem is an attempt to pay off guilt. Happiness Happiness is a by-product of love and creativity. Whenever we fully give ourselves, it opens a door to happiness. On the other hand, happiness is coming to us all the time we just dont notice it when our ego interferes. Happiness is the very state of our being. It is our deepest nature as spirit. God, as happiness, created us as happy, but our ego has other plans for us. Heartbreak Heartbreak is a shattered dream, a disillusionment of major proportion. It stems from non-acceptance, and even rejection, of what another is doing or saying. When we have been in a power struggle and lost, we use heartbreak to fight back. It is a way to get revenge through emotional blackmail. Heartbreak is an expression of frustrated need that attempts to manipulate or take in order to get that need met. It occurs when we have been dependent, and have lost the person upon whom we were dependent. (I describe these dynamics in detail, in my books 100 Healing Principles, and Wholeheartedness.) Helper Role The helper role (also known as the untrue helper or sacrificer role) is one of the three major roles that a person goes into when there is a loss that has not been fully or successfully mourned. By taking on the helper role we avoid or compensate for the feeling of loss by trying to help others with their problems. In truth, it is a form of co-dependence because there is a hidden fear of the other person changing or getting better; if they got better, then the untrue helper would be called upon to change as well. In this role, as in any role, you give but are unable to receive, which exhausts you and eventually leads to burnout. You are doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Hiding Most problems give us an excuse to hide, remain small and not show up. Higher Consciousness In Higher Consciousness we experience everything from a spiritual point of view. This state is not only peaceful and centred, it is humorous, joyous, radiant, transcendent, safe, healed and whole. From the experience of higher consciousness you recognise and see others as you see yourself. You are able to

Page 167 of 184

intervene and help in creative ways. You float on the unfolding Tao, basking in bliss. You can usually recognise people with higher consciousness, as they cant seem to get that silly smile off their face. Holding On Most setbacks we experience point to where we are holding on to someone or something, which keeps us from going forward and secretly generates our problems. Idols Idols are false gods that we think will save us or make us happy. In the Judeo-Christian world, most of us would never think of breaking the first commandment, yet all of us have some idol or other tucked away in the unconscious. These idols hide under our needs, indulgences and addictions. When we are successful in obtaining that which we idolise it only leads to disappointment and disillusionment, so we either turn towards another idol or towards death. An idol is a temptation we have fallen for. It is one of the greatest traps the ego has put together, supplanting Heaven and God with things that can never make us happy. There are the more positive idols, such as money, lust, power and fame and the more negative ones, such as sickness, suffering crucifixion and death. The ego relies on our lack of awareness and denial to keep these traps hidden. Incest When boundaries are lost and fusion occurs, incest (inappropriate sexual relations between family members) can occur. It is used typically in an attempt to save the family by sacrificing ourselves to meet anothers sexual needs to keep the family together. Independence Independence is one of the three major roles (besides dependence and sacrifice) that we go into when there has been a loss of bonding. In this role we dissociate ourselves from need, fear, hurt, feelings of rejection and heartbreak, guilt, failure and feelings of unworthiness. The compensations we develop to protect ourselves from the bad feelings are meant to save us from the pain, but they will eventually collapse, and we will have to deal with them eventually. Despite all the seemingly good or positive things that we accomplish through compensation, we are never able to receive the natural reward that should come to us, because we cannot receive when we are playing a role. Independence is a stage of consciousness we experience once we have gone past our dependent stage. Here we have to integrate or heal that which has been buried or dissociated, before we can move into interdependence, where successful relationships and greater success are possible. In the independent stage we exaggerate the masculine side of us in an untrue way; this is our solution for how it was when we indulged ourselves in an
Page 168 of 184

untrue and painful way when we were coming from our feminine side in the dependent stage. Only when there is a balance and equality of our masculine and feminine sides will we reach the intimacy and success of true partnership. We attempt to dissociate past losses by pretending we do not care. Doing what we want and not being possessed by others becomes a way of life for us in this stage. Indulgence Indulgence comes from need. It is an attempt to satisfy ourselves through some form of taking or gratification, but what we take we cannot receive, and without receiving we can never be satisfied. Indulgence leads to excess and excess leads to trouble or ill health. Indulgence is one of the five major personalities (in addition to dependence, independence, dark self concept and the untrue helper). Essentially, indulgence is a form of self-medication. It is the egos solution to our loss of bonding but it simply does not work. Indulgence stops our flow. It brings about feelings of guilt, for which we then compensate through sacrifice. The burnout from the sacrifice leads us back toward indulgence in an attempt to refresh ourselves. Indulgence leads us in a vicious circle that can lead to addictions and death. We indulge ourselves and our problem gives us permission to do this. Our indulgence may be physical, emotional or sexual. Indulgence is a self-prescribed solution to pain and sacrifice, but it blocks receiving, exhausts us and makes us feel guilty, leading to a vicious circle with sacrifice. Inner Conflict All outer conflict in our lives comes from our inner conflict. Our conflict keeps us afraid of moving forward. One part of our mind feels it will lose or not have its needs met if we move forward the way another part of our mind wants to. Innocence God as Innocence created us as innocent beings, but now that we are caught in the illusion of time, we have all made mistakes, felt guilty and punished ourselves. The recognition of our innocence is one of the greatest gifts we can give to the world. It makes us responsive, connected, willing, teachable, open, generous and receptive. Our innocence, and the recognition of that innocence, gives us our true sense of value and self-worth. If we knew of our innocence we would know that we are a child of God who deserves every good thing, who is safe, healed, whole and holy. There would be no problems, since all problems come from the guilt feelings that spawn grievances. God, who is innocent, can only experience our innocence. We who feel guilty project our judgment onto God. This does not change God; it makes us afraid of him. Our innocence blesses the world and allows us to see others as innocent; where mistakes are made the innocent Recognise them as a call for help and respond with compassion. The guilty believe in judgment, punishment and self-punishment.
Page 169 of 184

Integration Integration is one of the major healing principles. All healing is, at some level, a form of integration, in which we join two conflicting parts of our mind into a new whole. That integrated whole contains a greater level of peace, confidence, communication and success. The conflicting parts of our mind that are going in different directions, valuing different things, can be integrated and melted together to achieve greater success, intimacy and ability to receive. Interdependence This is the stage that begins with partnership and moves into friendship, leadership, vision and mastery. It is brought about by the integration of our dependence and independence. This allows us to move through the major issues of our subconscious and begin to deal with unconscious or soul issues. Interdependence allows us to enjoy and receive. It opens our mind to experience our giftedness. Interdependence is the balance of our masculine and feminine sides, which brings about equality in our relationships and success in our world. Introjection The Psychology of Vision model recognises introjection as a defence in which we swallow the emotional pain of someone close to us. Introjection is one of the more subtle and devastating traps of the ego. It is successful only to the extent that we have a specific highly developed psychic ability that allows us to heal the introjected pain which is to say that it is rarely successful. We end up carrying emotional burdens and pain that do not belong to us; therefore, in spite of any healing or therapy we do to rid ourselves of it, the same pain can show up again in a matter or weeks or months. Only when we let go of all the emotional pain that we have swallowed from our families, friends and loved ones can we turn the mechanism of introjection over to the higher mind for its creative use. It is necessary that we give God back his job so that we no longer carry our families and the rest of the world on our backs or in our stomachs. Joining Joining is a unique Psychology of Vision healing method. It is a way of connecting with another person in love until we see God looking back at us through their eyes. Joining is the method of extending ourselves to another on an equal, horizontal basis, willing to see them as our self. It can be done either through eye contact or energetically from any distance. In joining with another, pain, separation, needs, loneliness, fear and other negative emotions are healed in an energetic uplifting through the chakras, as healing takes place at higher and higher levels. The energy moves up through us until the issue being healed is
Page 170 of 184

completely released, and we feel so much love that we experience a state of bliss. In this way, joining with another opens the door to receiving Divine Love through connection with the Mind of God. Judgment Based on our own feelings of guilt, judgment is a perception of the world through the lowest common denominator. It is a form of attack that separates us from others in an attempt to prove our superiority. Judgment is one of the root causes of all suffering. When we are stuck in judgment we look out at the world and see the need to punish rather than seeing a world that needs help. Our judgment is one of the root causes of any problem. Our perception, which is coloured by our guilt, causes us to perceive others as bad and deserving punishment. In this way, we separate from others and see ourselves as superior. Karma This problem is the result of a past pattern you set in motion through mistaken, unloving behaviour. This could come from past relationships, childhood or before. Leadership Leadership is action for the common good. A leader is a person who solves problems or creates flow so that the group can progress. It is the art of responsiveness - hearing the calls for help. A leader is a person of vision who is irresistible with integrity. True leaders are lucky and gifted and have a knack for getting the job done at the least possible cost. They bring in elements of brilliance, intuition, giftedness, humour, playfulness and naughtiness. A group supports the leader so that the leader can support the projects and well-being of the group. A leader always believes that helping another in a situation is much more important than any feelings of self-consciousness or self-attack. Letting Go Letting go is a healing principle that can move us forward in any situation. Letting go is the act of freeing ourselves of the attachment and needs that keep us stuck. It cuts the cord of attachment to fantasy, expectations and perfectionism, which generate stress, frustration and disappointment. Letting go heals the attachment that is at the root of all pain, re-establishing bonding and flow at successive levels as we let go. Major forms of letting go are: putting things in Gods hands, exaggerating and feeling the negative feelings until they have completely burned through and dissolved, forgiving and taking the next step forward in our lives. It has the ability to put the greatest pain and shattered dreams of our lives into a new perspective, which no longer holds us back, but supports us in our lives.

Page 171 of 184

Life Stories Life Stories are the unconscious scripts we choose to live by. They consist of both dark and healing stories. Dark stories are mistakes based on specific ego goals and agendas that always lead to suffering. They lead us away from life and towards death, and are key patterns to explore in any kind of chronic problem situation. Happy stories, on the other hand, are life enhancing and move us in a positive direction. Loss Loss is the primordial experience of being separated from a previous state. Every loss generates fear, need, broken bonding and loneliness, but there can be no loss without choice. Loss on the earthly plane shows us that what we depended on could not sustain us and that a new birth is being called for that will create a greater or truer success. Martyring This is the role of sacrifice carried to an extreme in an attempt to save someone close to us. What is accomplished through martyring could have been accomplished through miracles and grace. Martyr-Sacrifice Pattern This pattern is generated by roles. It typically begins in our original families when we throw ourselves away in an attempt to save those around us. It sets up deadness in relationship, locks in the guilt and failure rooted in our families and causes co-dependency. Mastery Mastery is a state of consciousness in which we are aware of being. When we experience the state of Mastery we are so centred that we live neither in the past nor the future but in the here and now. We can reach a state of having no-mind to the point that we feel great joy, love, wonder, innocence, grace and the recognition that we are Gods child. Masters are conduits of grace and inspiration between heaven and earth. Mind God as pure Mind or Spirit created us in kind. Our soul is the experience of our mind in time, now that we have fallen asleep and are unaware of the state of Oneness. Miracles Miracles are Gods answer to our problems and pain. Based on love, they transcend the laws of time and space, and dissolve the patterns and karma that are slowing us down and obstructing us. A miracle
Page 172 of 184

provides us a leap forward into a greater stage of truth. All of us have the potential to create miracles, although most of us have repressed this ability into a place deep in our unconscious. Besides their ability to heal our present situations, miracles can be felt throughout the entire field of human consciousness. My Way My Way is the name I give to the attitude characterised by our attempts to have things our own way. We use situations and problems as an excuse to do whatever we want and not to have to compromise or take others wishes into account. Need for Attention Often, we use our problems to get attention. Because of needs, loneliness and a lack of love on our part, we use situations to try to get love. Neediness When we are needy we are attempting to make others responsible for our needs. We chase others away by our taking and lack of self-value. When we are needy, there is usually some loss from which we have not recovered. Needs We experience needs when bonding has been lost and lack occurs as a result. Needs make us feel empty and lonely and so we try to get or to take, but we cannot truly receive that which we have taken. Needs generate fear, attachment, feelings of inadequacy and unwillingness. They come from experiences of separation, loss or abandonment. Needs create illusions, problems and self-defeating patterns. A need can be fulfilled by giving or forgiving, understanding or letting go and through other healing methods. Needs are a core dynamic at the root of all problems. Negative Beliefs No negative solution could occur without our negative belief systems. All negative situations and everyone involved in them reflect our negative belief systems about ourselves, as all beliefs are self-concepts. These self-concepts are how we perceive and experience the world. Oedipus Conspiracy (or Oedipus Complex) This is a trap set up by our ego to completely block our moving forward, gifts and purpose. Built on guilt, competition and lack of bonding from our original family, it generates affairs, triangle relationships, no relationships, power struggles or complete deadness. It stops intimacy and success. It brings the
Page 173 of 184

transference of unresolved sexual feelings toward our family members onto our partner without conscious awareness, generating deadness, revulsion or lack of sexual interest because of the original feelings of taboo. This turns our sexual energy away from our partner, and will sometimes cause us to direct our focus outside the relationship. Pain (emotional) Pain is a state of resistance that is generated when we make a mistake; due to some choice we have made or some negative belief, our actions have created a conflict. The extent of our pain in any situation is the extent of our unwillingness to learn, to heal and to accept the situation as it is. Parenting True parenting is the art of nurturing, fostering and guiding children, as well as making a place of safety for them to learn about life, success and intimacy. Perception Perception is our visual experience of the world. Our perception is made up of the projection of our beliefs, values and self-concepts. In other words, the world we see and experience is what we believe about ourselves. As we heal our mind, the world - and how we perceive it to be - transforms. Personalities Personalities are the self-concepts the ego uses to build itself. Each one has its own prescription for happiness, its own logic system and its own strategy about how to bring that happiness about. Personalities are aspects of the mind that generate doing in order to get somewhere, accomplish something or to have something. Our thousands of personalities all compete with each other for ascendancy. Each one stops flow, inspiration, intuition and gifts. Originally we took them on to be acceptable to others, but they have made us part of the lonely crowd; personality is a way to be alone together. Each personality is like an individual cellophane wrapper that prevents us from receiving or hearing the calls for help around us. Personalities can mimic a gift but they stop the natural reward the gift brings. Personalities can also be negative and troublesome. Personalities take us out of the here and now and tell us our happiness is elsewhere, and that we have to go get it. Personalities are the first aspects of the ego that we take on and they are the last things we get rid of before enlightenment. There are four major personalities: dependent, independent, sacrificial and indulgent. From these stem the tens of thousands of personalities that may be in our minds. Each personality came about through some form of separation or lost bonding. We can break through these personalities easily, and as we do, the
Page 174 of 184

self-consciousness, self-torture and self-attack related to problems falls away. As we do this, we are able to hear and respond to the calls for help around us that the personalities were meant to prevent us from hearing. Power Struggle A power struggle is the projection of an inner conflict onto the world around us. Power struggles come out of our authority conflict; they are our attempt to defeat another in order to control a situation. All power struggles are based on fear of the next step, and each person in the power struggle is usually acting in opposite ways but feeling the same thing. Power struggle is a fight for control and is usually caused by old heartbreaks. Any problem is an attempt to defeat someone. It is part of a power play in which we use our problems as weapons. Projection Out of guilt we split off part of our mind rejecting it as bad. We repress this part, deny it and then perceive it in someone or something in the world around us, judging them for what we feel guilty about. Proving Your Love Through some misunderstanding, we can sometimes believe that our suffering will prove how much we love another. Purpose The importance of living our purpose is one of the key principles of the Psychology of Vision. Our purpose is our souls promise to help the world. It is what we have come for. Our purpose is usually so great that most of us spend our lives running away from it by generating obstacles and problems to hide it and to hide from it. Problems are either an attempt to run away from our purpose or they occur to provide us with the crucial lessons we need to learn in order to accomplish it.

Definition 2: Purpose is also a term used to describe the egos agenda, for instance, how a certain problem
serves a certain purpose for us. Purpose used in this way reflects the egos agenda or strategies the mistaken dynamics underlying all problems. Radical Dependence This is the state towards which we are all evolving. It is the alignment of our will with the Will of God, recognising ourselves as children of God, listening for all of the guidance and hearing the answer to every issue. As we do this, we receive the gifts and grace that create our happiness. Radical dependence is the
Page 175 of 184

simple mystical state where, to ever-greater degrees, we give up our fight with God and, with that, our need to be separate. It is the experience of wild joy, creativity and boundless love. Receiving Receiving is the feminine aspect of love. It is the gift of opening ourselves up to embrace and integrate that which is offered to us. It is inextricably tied with giving, so that as we receive more, we naturally give more and, as we give more, we open the door to receiving. Most human beings are very poor at receiving and it is only when we achieve a balance of our masculine and feminine sides that we can learn to receive well. Recognition Recognition is the interest and appreciation given to another. We pay attention to them and keep them in our awareness and, in so doing, create a flow forwards. The ego despises recognition or appreciation, except when it serves its ulterior motives. This makes it really difficult to recognise or be recognised, as this would lead to its destruction. Only to the extent that we give recognition will we feel recognised. Rejection Rejection is the experience of feeling pushed away and unwanted, which causes emotional hurt. This comes about through our own resistance and refusal to accept things the way they are. The old adage is that rejection is projection when we feel rejected, it is actually we who are refusing to accept something, and it is this act of judgment and rejection that generates the hurt. These mistaken feelings of rejection are usually brought about when we are trying to get or take something. If we dont learn this lesson, it sets us on a path towards heartbreak. The problem of whatever we are suffering comes from our

refusal to accept. It might be our partners behaviour, the situation or even ourselves. This has the effect
of generating resistance, hurt and even heartbreak. Resistance Resistance is a state of stress that is brought about through unwillingness; it is a feeling that we dont want to accept something and therefore we need to push it away from us. The greater the resistance, the slower we move forward, and the greater the pain, the bigger the problem. Resistance comes about when something other than what our ego has planned, occurs. Resistance is brought about by the fear that is generated when our different personalities want different goals.

Page 176 of 184

Responsibility Responsibility is response-ability: it is the art of responsiveness. It is hearing the calls for help around us and moving toward those who need us. To be responsible is to step up and take our place in leadership to bring about greater success, cohesion and teamwork. The ego tries to confuse responsibility with burdens and sacrifice. Revenge The problem is an attempt to get back at someone for new and old hurts. You may be attacking someone directly or attacking yourself as a way to get back at someone else. Revenge plays a win-lose game and locks you into a vicious circle with heartbreak. Roles Roles are compensations over feelings of guilt and failure that began with our original family. These roles have us give and not receive. They lead to feelings of deadness and burnout. They cause us to do the right thing for the wrong reason, and they make us heavy and tired: Living in a role in our relationship is like having a suit of armour between us and our partners. Romance Romance is the first stage of relationships; in this stage we project our idealised self onto our partner. At this stage, we are uplifted by and attracted to them because they seem to fit all of our missing parts. Although romance is based on need and illusion, this stage can serve to show you the possibility contained within the relationship what it can become when it is healed and whole, and the state of love, joy and creativity becomes a matter of course. Sacred Fire Pain This is pain that emerges out of the unconscious triggered by a painful experience in our life. It is what psychiatry calls primary process. It is a level of pain that takes us to our knees, but we can move through it easily if we give through the pain to whomever needs help; this generates a new birth to create a new chapter in our life. Sacrifice Sacrifice is one of the key roles we take on and is based on guilt and unworthiness. It is an attempt to remedy things by giving ourselves up or throwing ourselves away. It is one of the three key roles used to compensate for loss, but it brings about fusion and increases the sense of failure for which it was meant to compensate. It puts us either above or below others. If we feel above others, we tend to carry them and if
Page 177 of 184

we feel below them, we sacrifice ourselves to them in order to feel worthy of the relationship. Sacrifice is a hidden form of competition and as such it carries with it the fear of success. It is both inefficient and ineffective because, in truth, nobody is called upon to sacrifice; what is done through sacrifice can be accomplished without it. Sacrifice is giving without receiving, so it is inauthentic and leads to feelings of deadness and burnout. Any problem is a form of sacrifice. We are giving but not including ourselves in the giving or the receiving. Scripts These are the recipes or stories that we invent and then live by. We assign scripts for others to follow and are upset when they do not live by them. We fail to recognise that, at subconscious and unconscious levels, we are writing everyones scripts (even those who seem to frustrate us by going against what we think we want) in the hopes of gaining certain payoffs. Self-Abuse This is the self-attack and self-torture brought about by the feelings of inadequacy upon which all personalities are built. Every problem is actually some form of self-abuse that comes about through feelings of guilt. Self-Attack Self-attack is a way of punishing ourselves because of our self-hatred. Brought about by guilt or anger at ourselves, it is an attempt to beat ourselves into shape. This ego strategy never works, of course. Selfattack is probably one of the greatest problems in the world today. From it stem all of our troubles and all of our attack on others. In any negative situation, we are using the problem and the pain it causes as a form of self-attack. Selves These are the personalities, self-concepts, or parts of our mind that have their own agendas, believing they know what will move us forwards and make us happy. (See Personalities) Separation Separation is the root of all problems and it brings about all of the destructive and self-destructive elements that exist in our lives. It is the opposite of love it generates fear, guilt, judgment and authority conflict. It is ultimately based on the illusion that led us to fall asleep and lose our awareness of heaven and Oneness. Every problem comes as a result of separation. Separation breeds problems, and problems

Page 178 of 184

are wedges that keep the separation going. Where there is love and bonding, the problems and separation naturally melt away. Shadow Once we move past the Romance Stage, our partner will often become a shadow figure for us. This may include many shadows, all of which are our own self-concepts. We judge ourselves, repress what we have judged, project it out and reject what we see of ourselves in another. We often compensate heavily for these self-concepts, in which case we deny that the shadow has anything to do with us. At other times, it is easy to recognise that we act in the same way as your shadow figure and we Realise easily that it is our own projection. Shadowland This is the first step of the Power Struggle Stage where we tend to project our shadows on our partner causing them to become our worst nightmares. Specialness Specialness is the egos answer to our need for love. Whenever there is a great gift, the ego makes a counterfeit of it (in the way, for example, that sacrifice is counterfeit love) in an attempt to lure us away from the real thing. The ego is afraid of our gifts because the love that comes from sharing our gifts melts away the ego. Specialness is based on getting the most attention, either positive or negative, in order to feed the ego and make it stronger. Specialness is one of the main traps in relationships as it prevents equality, success and intimacy. With specialness, we make ourselves more important than our partner or our relationship. We make the relationship all about us. Every problem somehow makes us special. Spirit Spirit is the state of being; the fabric of love, light, Oneness and the nature of God in ourselves. It is the state of eternity. Spiritual Dependence (See Radical Dependence) Spirituality Spirituality is the experience of seeing life from a spiritual perspective. The spiritual path is one that leads us towards love, happiness and Oneness. It is the desire for truth that leads us forward to be ever more joyful, effective, full of grace and innocent.
Page 179 of 184

Split Mind This is the state of the ego. Our mind has been split in so many thousands of ways through self-judgment and self-attack that it has become virtually impossible to know what it is we think we want. Our split mind generates conflict, which is one of the roots of all problems, ambivalence, resistance and fear. Spirituality is the path of healing our split mind so that we want just one thing: Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven, and all things shall be added unto you. Taking Taking is an ego strategy designed to fulfil our needs. Taking generates fear and is the stuff that rejection and heartbreak are made of. What we take, however, never satisfies our needs it actually makes them stronger because it has no way of increasing our self-worth. In truth, taking makes us feel guiltier, which adds to our feelings of unworthiness. Taking is at the heart of all power struggle and deadness because we pull back to keep others from taking from us. We seek to take in order to be fulfilled, not realising that it is only in giving, loving and creativity that true fulfilment can be found. All problems at some level are an attempt to take. Any suffering, hurt or problem covers a place where we are attempting to take from another out of our neediness. We excuse our preying on others because of our need or pain, though we may be unaware of this as usually we dissociate from these feelings. Temptation Temptation is an ego trap designed to stop us just before we reach our goal. Typically, the ego tempts us with a quality that would be realised as we reached that next step, no matter how unbelievable it might seem. The ego knows what we think we need and uses that as a means to distract, delay and stop us. Temptation can only lure us because of our need and guilt. Only what tempts us can kill us. Temptation is always a sign for us to commit to our goal or our partner and invest our energy in something that will keep building our life rather than just satisfy a passing fancy. Testing The problem you have is one you are using to test your partner to see if they will respond correctly. Transference All problems are from the past. They are unlearned lessons and old traumas that have festered and remained inside is. Then we transfer the past problem into the present. When this happens, we have the opportunity to heal not only this problem, but its roots. If you pull a problem or weed up from its roots, you get the whole thing.
Page 180 of 184

Triangle Relationships This relationship trap is generated by the Oedipus Conspiracy. All three people involved are afraid to know the truth and to have the problem resolved. Being trapped here is the expression of our lack of belief that we could have all of the qualities we desire in one person and have true love. The Oedipus Conspiracy, which is generated by lost bonding and feelings of guilt, is just one of the egos great traps that keeps us from true love and partnership. Committing to the truth and the next stage of our life with our whole heart can bring resolution to this situation, however impossible it may seem. This trap may be foolproof, but it is not God proof. Unhappiness Unhappiness is a state of withdrawal in which we have lost our centre and our sense of self. We have stopped giving ourselves and we are not open to receiving. We are having a tantrum over an experience of loss rather than letting it go to make way for a re-birth to a much better level. Unhappiness comes from our mistakes and miscreations and from listening to the egos voice rather than that of our higher mind. Even now, the voice of God is within us, whispering the answer. If we would only listen, it would carry with it not just the answer but also the grace of the answer. Victimisation Victimisation is a key ego agenda that is designed to keep us weak. Despite how it looks, our victimisation is an act of revenge, an attempt to defeat someone, a mistaken attempt to protect ourselves from fear or to pay off guilt. We use it in an attempt to get permission to do something or to not have to do something. Our victimisation paints the face of innocence on us, while we attack a significant person around us. Our victimisation is the result of both self-attack and a grievance with a significant other. It is an attempt to hold on, to indulge ourselves in some way, to prove something, to be right about something, to be special or even to sacrifice ourselves to try to save someone else. And these are just a few of the ego agendas present in victimisation. Victimisation denies accountability and hides the subconscious and unconscious patterns and choices that brought it about. It is one of the weakest and most painful positions in life. If we were to completely give up all victimisation within us, we would be enlightened. Vision Vision is a joining of heart and mind in which we open ourselves so completely and give ourselves so utterly that a new and positive way shows itself and carries us forward in inspiration. Vision is the creative future that shows us a better way, which transcends the re-runs of the past as they play over and over again in our lives. We are afraid of our future, thinking it will be just like the past, so the obstacles that we face now are really unfinished business from the past and the fear of the future. Vision cuts through all of
Page 181 of 184

that to show us a better way. It shows us the next step in our lifes purpose and allows us to let go of what is unneeded so that we can focus our life in a truer sense. Vision is leaping the abyss out of love, and leaving a bridge for others to follow. As we venture everything in ourselves, withholding nothing, the birth of new vision can come about. Withdrawal Out of emotions we are afraid to face, we pull back from life and those around us. This makes everything thereafter difficult and a form of sacrifice. The Stages of Relationships The Romance Stage The first stage in a relationship is when we have fallen in love. All of the differences provide the excitement. We are inspired, even intoxicated by our beloved. The Power Struggle Stage The second stage of relationships, the Power Struggle Stage, is one in which we work through many of the differences between us and our partner. All of the differences that at first excited us become the grounds for fights until we build a bridge between us in this area that reflects the best of both our and our partners way. The Dead Zone Stage The Dead Zone Stage is the third stage of relationships. Having worked through much of the differences in the Power Struggle Stage, we now work through the difficulty and fusion and sacrifice brought on by family roles, the Oedipus Complex, competition and the fear of the next step. In this stage, we learn individuation, self-value and valuing others through commitment. Partnership In this stage, we have come to a committed relationship with our partner. There is a balance within us, a balance in our life and in our relationships. It is a time of harvest and enjoyment. Success and intimacy are ours within the relationship, and this creates a successful flow in our lives as a result of our relationship.

Page 182 of 184

The Leadership Stage This is a stage in the relationship where both we and our beloved have become leaders in our lives, and our relationship itself has taken on a leadership position. Our relationship will inspire others with hope and give them permission to succeed in their relationships, also. The Vision Stage This is a stage where both of us have become visionaries and bring new and original contributions to the Earth. Our relationship also brings creativity and vision to those around us, showing them a better way. We live in a creative, in-love relationship in which our relationship itself provides a gateway to greater love. The Mastery Stage This is a stage of relationships where not only both people in the relationship have become masters, but the relationship itself has become a living treasure. Many of the walls have dissolved between us and our partner leaving love and being in its place. The relationship itself has become a vehicle to realise joy, miracles and being for us and those around us.

Page 183 of 184

More about Psychology of Vision and our events Dr Chuck Spezzano and his wife, Lency, hold lectures and seminars worldwide. For details about all Psychology of Vision local and international events and products, please get in touch with us.

International website: www.psychologyofvision.com

In the UK: There is a team of trainers facilitating events, courses and groups around the country. For full details visit us online: www.psychologyofvision.co.uk Psychology of Vision UK Naish House, Spirthill Calne, Wiltshire SN11 9HW Tel: +44 (0)1249 760486 Email: info@povuk.co.uk

Page 184 of 184