Dillon Horne dilhorne@umich.

edu English 125 Joe Horton Essay #1 An Analysis of Mirrors in Mirrorings by Lucy Grealy

In Mirrorings (1993) by Lucy Grealy, the author describes her facial disfigurement and its effects on her self-image throughout her life. This brutally honest account details the physical and emotional turbulence through which she has gone, and how she has coped with her constantly changing appearance and trying to find who she really is. Throughout this chronological narrative, the author applies many examples and anecdotes of mirrors to her own experiences in order to show how her perception of self image has altered during the course of her lifetime. She shows these mirrors as benchmarks in her quest for her continually transforming outward self to match her inward personality: to see if she can recognize both her physical and emotional appearance as her own. Before jumping into a dissection of the mirrors used in Mirrorings, I feel it is important to distinguish that although the literal mirrors the author uses may seem more obvious, the figurative mirrors that also feature in the essay are also just as important. Both of these forms of mirrors serve as benchmarks of sorts for her progress towards realizing her self identity. We should extend our definition of mirrors for this essay from not only reflective surfaces (the literal), but also to anything that gives oneself a perspective of ones self image (the figurative). The author begins her essay by listing multiple objects that act like mirrors that she purposefully has avoided to ensure that she does not see her own face, a glass tabletop, a well-

polished door handle, a darkened window, a pair of sunglasses, a restaurants otherwise magnificent brass plated coffee machine sitting innocently by the cash register. (27) At this point in the essay, the author has not revealed what is wrong with her face, why her face is disfigured, or even that it is disfigured. She only speaks of avoiding the physical reflection shown to her in these mirrors. The author is not saying the cause of her disfigurement is important to identify who she is, but the effect: her facial deformity. Because of the authors fixation with her physical appearance, she equates fixing her face confusedly . . . with fixing my self, my soul, my life. (23) She admits by using the word confusedly that this connection is not correct from the vantage point she now possesses, but at that time in her life it was what she thought would help her find her own identity. These mirrors mentioned earlier serve as a litmus test for whether or not she is able to confront her own self, and at this point in the piece she is not able. The author later describes an oblique method, due to her being too frightened to simply go look in the mirror (27) after one of her many plastic surgeries in attempt to fix her face. I tried to catch my reflection in an overhead lamp: the roundness of the metal distorted my image just enough to obscure details and give no true sense of size or proportion. Then I slowly worked my way up to looking at the reflection in someones eyeglasses, and from there I went to walking as briskly as possible by a mirror, glancing only quickly. I repeated this as many times as it would take me, passing the mirror slightly more slowly until finally I was able to stand still and confront myself. (27)

The main function of her technique of looking at the rounded mirror is to distort the true reflection. This oblique method, as the author calls it, is not only the first step in the slow transition she goes through in making her outward appearance her own, but also gives a parallel for the similar process of finding her emotional identity that she undertakes. The oblique method is mirrored (no pun intended) by the authors new friends at college. Now my friends repeated for me endlessly that most of it was in my mind, that, granted, I did not look like everyone else, but that didnt mean I looked bad. I am sure now that they were right some of the time. (27) Her friends have become a mirror of sorts to the author, and a rounded one just like the overhead lamp. She receives a somewhat distorted view of herself from looking at the reflection from her friends. This shows, like the actual rounded mirror she looked at does, a step towards confirming her own identity. In the final two paragraphs, the author brings us to the ledge where we expect to be given the final step in the authors process towards realizing her self-identity. However, the essay ends on a cliffhanger. She is sitting in a caf with an attractive man when she wonders what I looked like to him. What was he actually seeing when he saw me? So many times Ive asked this of myself, and always the answer is this: a warm, smart woman, yes, but an unattractive one. I sat there in the caf and asked myself this old question, and startlingly, for the first time in my life, I had no answer readily prepared . . . I looked with curiosity toward the window behind him, its night-darkened glass reflecting the whole caf, to see if I could, now, recognize myself. (30)

Although the author does not say whether she can recognize herself or not, I think that this particular aspect is dispensable in this case. The author is finally able to confront both her emotional and physical appearances. She can not tell whether the man finds her unattractive or attractive, the first time she is able to say this, and she also breaks her year-long ignorance of mirrors to look into the glass behind him. This is recognition enough of her own self. Some might argue that this transition I describe is not as clear cut as I make it out to be. I completely agree, but for the sake of this essay I have disregarded some of the ups and downs in the piece between each step of the process I mention. The author describes this in her discussion of her surgeries. It was never a smooth process: there would be skin added, then skin carved away, and so on. (27) This again, like the oblique method did, parallels her emotional process of recognizing herself. There are times of progress, and regression in her emotional journey. There is no doubt, however, that there is a general positive trend in both her inward and outward selves towards the final goal of confirming her self-identity. The authors interactions with both literal and figurative mirrors in the essay give this process framework and points of reference to see where the author is at in her journey of affirming her self-identity.

Works Cited Grealy, Lucy. Mirrorings. Harpers Magazine Feb. 1993 : 23-30. Print.