The Friday Aggravate.

19th May 2006

Some one special was 33 yesterday. Many

happy returns Judy from the gang at you know
where, and a big hug from me.
Aa website that just beats all. The international data base
that traces your drivers licence, no matter where you live. If
you live outside of the USA “click” on the “click here” link.
This is unreal try it. www.licence.shorturl.com

SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR CHILD RIGHT!

One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.

The Teacher was explaining evolution to the children.
The Teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see GOD?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't
exist.
A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL; Tommy, do you see the Teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have
one...........

II CORINTHIANS 5:7 " FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT "

Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money, they had to
room together.

No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided

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it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to
take turns.

The first coach slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his
hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat
up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the

morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-!
shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look
awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I
watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-
football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and

bushy tailed.

"Good morning."

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what

happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed
him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Meet one of our new correspondents, “Baz from Taz.” These are his first
little tales:
The Middle Wife. By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best
birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years
back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with
my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty
tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like
that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to
lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn
and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She
holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to
tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate
for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on
the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The
kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom
starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back

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and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh,oh, oh!' Now this kid
is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She
delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They
got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against
the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid
has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was
too much! "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes
my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-
centre! So there must be lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big
theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another
Erica comes along. Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this
along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy.

Air Traffic Control

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land

eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on

infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE ! ! ! ! ! !

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell
Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?"

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Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting
weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not
enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new
to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart
then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so
why don't! We say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE .The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if
they're okay, then it's you.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight

up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."

Celibacy
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

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While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Bill and Mary listened to the
instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?"
Bill leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"Self-raising, isn't it?"

From the Epistles of the “Laird”:

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a
job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for
his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes,
but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull shittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the
condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port
of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to
Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an
iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting
its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they
declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,
as: Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me?

When our lawn mower broke down and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it repaired. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, fishing, or golf, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

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I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the footpath."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp . . . . .
How’s your imagination?

Two IT guys were chatting in a bar after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first
IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." "What did you do?" says
the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we
got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I
lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really? You got a new
laptop?"

A Greek parks his brand new BMW in front of the office to show it off to his
colleagues. As he's getting out of the car a truck comes speeding along too close to
the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five
minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any
questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically "My BMW, my beautiful black BMW
is ruined! No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same
again!"

After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I
can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How
can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Greek.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the
truck hit you?" The Greek looks down in absolute horror: "Fucking HELL!!!!!! He
screams... "Where's my fucking Rolex????"

Ralph arrived at his Australian Tax Office audit accompanied by his attorney. Going
over his records, the ATO official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much
higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"
Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The sceptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Ralph. "Well
how about a demonstration?" The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go
ahead." Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The
auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" Ralph removed his glass
eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Ralph then removed his
dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

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"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I
can stand on your desk and piss into that waste basket by the door over there and
never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could
manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and
pretty much peed all over the desk. The official grinned.

He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's
attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaken. "Are you okay?" he asked. The man
replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd
piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated
each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard
deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and
out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many
strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart
attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the
local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may
indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you
for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the bastard buried upside
down..."

A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day. As all the choppers were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her
on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start
it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so
beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that
she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

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He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she
said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to
get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America. He bragged he had told his wife she was
going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and
put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He also bragged he had told his wife she
was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said there was nothing done the
first day, a lot more on the second day, but by the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He bragged he had told his wife she
was going to do all the dishes and housework too. He said on the first day he didn't
see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

A guy walking down Elizabeth Street in Melbourne and sees a woman with
perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100 dollars?"

"Are you nuts?!!" she replies and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around
the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen, you!
I'm not that kind of woman! Got it???!!!"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite
your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm. $10,000 dollars, eh? Okay, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most beautiful,
perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he grabs them, starts
caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them... but not biting them.

The woman finally gets very annoyed and asks, "Hey!!! Are you gonna bite them or
not!!?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much!"

What kind of sex best describes you?

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

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 "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem
is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that
modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would
be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to
talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came
back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of
you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOUR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy
tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman
in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

Obsession

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and
their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named
your daughter Candy."

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He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your
obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and
whispers.

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Disappearing Wife

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday,
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was

confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How
would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with

me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with
the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he

could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept
through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun
asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savoir?" But Mary didn't stir from her
slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

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"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the nun once again said, "Very good,"
and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. But this time, Mary Margaret jumped up and
shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun
fainted...

Thank God for the Irish

DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me
dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the
church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to
them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the
dog was Catholic?

DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

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Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control
company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband
arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the
closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the
exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint
about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?"
asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Oh no! Those little
bastards!"

The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that they have
such different views of sex and relationships.

Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex; Men want
sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.

A Tasmanian woman was taken to the hospital after swallowing a mobile phone.
The good news is, it was a camera phone and they were able to do a colonoscopy.

Well here is another week gone into the mists of time.

Just another week of strange goings on.

Like the removal of Bibles from a great number of public

hospitals around Australia. They wouldn’t like to upset
some of the patients, if that is the case why not put the
Koran in the hospitals as well, or Buddhist teachings,
even Bush Calathumpianists could do like wise.

What the hell is going on?

Have they all gone mad?

“The Old Goat’s soapbox”

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