First published in Six Pack, an anthology edited by Toby Litt.

ISBN 905404963 A House on the Edge of Town It was a Wednesday lunchtime at school and I had sneaked off for a cigarette. I always went on my own because a crowd was easily noticed. I had my own little spot from which I could remain unseen but still see anyone approach. I took out one of my Marlborough Lights and lit it. Two periods of Maths had wound me up and I felt more than usual that I had earned this smoke. People always talked about how the first drag was the best, but I didn't agree - my favourite part was at the end, where all the nicotine and tar had gathered. If someone asked me to keep them a smoke, I would always give them a new cigarette. I hadn't yet had a chance to enjoy my favourite part when out of the bushes jumped my P.E teacher Mr Kernohan. "Brian Jones, put that cigarette out now!" he shouted. He must have gone around by the cross-country course. In my stupidity, I had believed that it would have been too muddy in February for anyone to come that way. "You're in a lot of trouble Jones. Come with me now." I knew I wasn't going to get away with this. "I think I'll finish this first," I said holding up the cigarette. "PUT THAT OUT AND COME WITH ME NOW!" he brayed. I was marched straight to the Headmaster's office. He decided that suspension was the best way of handling the situation. This severe penalty was supposedly dealt because I was out of bounds when I was caught, but I was sure that the real reason was because they hadn't been able to prove that Ali and I had been stealing from the changing rooms. I was sent home. It was half eleven and my mother was still at work and I had no way to get into the house so I decided to go to Belfast for a few hours. My cigarettes had been confiscated so I had to buy some more. Before I left I stopped into the changing rooms to liberate twenty quid from a rich kid's blazer. I figured that since Kernohan had already caught me out once today he wouldn't be expecting me to break any more rules. I went to the train station to find out when the next train to Belfast was leaving. It turned out that I had just missed it and there wouldn't be another one for two hours. Fuck that, I thought, I guess I'll have to stay in Ballymena. I went to the shop to buy some cigarettes. "Twenty Marlborough Lights," I said to the wee old woman behind the counter.

"I can't serve you when you're in school uniform," she said. This had become a ritual of ours and, although I wasn't in the mood, I had to play along to get my cigarettes. I went outside, took off my tie and blazer and went back inside. "Twenty Marlborough Lights." "Four-Eighty please," she said. I gave her the money, got my cigarettes and change and went back outside. I put my blazer and tie back on and sat on the wall facing the shop. I smoked a cigarette. I used to do this to annoy her but she didn't care; as long as she followed protocol it didn't matter. I went and sat up a lane where Ali, Scott and I usually had our after-school smoke. I didn't have anything better to do for the next few hours. I thought about going to an arcade but I figured that I had best keep out of sight. Ali and Scott eventually showed up. "Don't worry about it Brian, it's a week off school," Ali said passing me his lighter. "Aye, but it's not as if I'm on holiday," I said, lighting a cigarette. I passed the lighter to Scott who lit up too. "Kernohan's a fucker," Scott put in. "You're telling me," I said. "I'm the poor fucker that has to go on the rugby tour with him," Scott said. "Well if you don't cut down on those you won't get on it," Ali laughed. "Yeah, I heard Kernohan hates smokers," I said. "What does the letter say?" Ali asked. "Dunno - I guess I'll find out when I get home," I answered. I knew I wasn't going to find out by reading it - my mum would spend the hours between when I got home and when I went to bed shouting angrily about it. She was always worried about my behaviour; I wondered if this was because I was an only child, as if I was the only hope for the future in the family. "I still can't believe he caught me, he just came out of nowhere," I said. I had been so smug about how great my hiding place was, that I had let my guard slip. "Aye Brian, but he's a crafty sort," Scott said, "he really is one teacher you have to watch out for." "Now you know why I don't smoke in school," Ali said, blowing a smoke ring. "Aye, but suspension, fuck this. A detention would have been enough; I wouldn't have thought I'd get suspended for fucksake."

"It's a hard knock life," Ali said. He paused. I thought he was waiting for a reaction but I didn't want to give him one. "You know Kernohan probably pushed for it." "Y'think?" I asked sarcastically. "I wouldn't put it past him. He doesn't like you." "I don't like him either. Anyway enough about him. Let's go," I said, flicking my cigarette away and grabbing my bag. Scott always went in a different direction to Ali and me when we left the lane and, this time, when he did I was apprehensive about what Ali would say. I recognised the expression on his face all too well. "Ali, what are you saying all that about Kernohan in front of Scott for?" "Brian, he knows about the changing rooms, sure he was there when it happened." "I know that, but I don't want to throw it in his face, he's getting a lot of shit from the rest of the rugby team about it." "I never asked him to stick up for me." "It's not that, people thought he was at it too." "Did they fuck - why the would Scott steal? He's loaded." "You're loaded and you still steal. Look, I just don't like rubbing his nose in it." "Who gives a fuck?" he sounded annoyed. "Listen, are you planning any revenge on Kernohan?" "I'll probably trail a key down the side of his BMW." "Brian that's shit. A re-spray won't bother him that much, he's fucking loaded." "What do you suggest?" I asked, annoyed. "Well, you know how Scott was talking about the rugby tour?" "Yeah." "Well if we burgle Kernohan's house while he's away, we can get him back and make some money at the same time." "I dunno Ali," I said with an uncomfortable laugh. The flippancy with which he had said it shocked me a little. Ali had mentioned

robbing house one time before but I never thought he would do it though - his family were rich so it wasn't as if he needed the money, but now he was going to turn my suspension into an excuse. "It'd be easy. He lives in the same estate as my gran. The bathroom windows on those houses are a piece of piss to force. I've done my gran's loads of times." He explained as though he had gone over it in his head a few times already. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had picked Kernohan's house out when we were cornered in the changing rooms. After that Ali probably figured that I wouldn't be hard to coax into doing it. "Yeah, but we don't know anything about robbing a house." "What's to know? It's one of those estates off the Old Park Road. We can get there through the fields from the Cullybackey Road. I know the area well, so I know how to get o and from the house quickly and without being seen. When we're inside the house we'll only go for big things; TV, hi-fi, shit like that, so we'll have been in and gone in a few minutes." "And you'd do that because I got suspended?" I asked. "Don't forget I've my own score to settle with him. My name was brought into that whole changing rooms thing. What do you say Brian?" I paused. "I dunno." "Come on Brian, it'd be so easy; the housel be empty, he's single and he's fucking loaded. We could do really well out of this." "I dunno," I repeated. I wished he would change the subject because I wanted time to think about it. Normally I wouldn't have considered it but I desperately wanted to get Kernohan back. "Just think about it," Ali said when we parted at our usual spot. "You know it's a good idea." All the way home I couldn't stop thinking about it. I sat below a bridge beside the river Braid to have another cigarette. When Ali and I had mugged Rachel Donnelly's dad I had believed it to be a one off, something that had went too far, that we both regretted - which is why I thought we never talked about it. It now seemed that Ali had seen it as the beginning of something. Thinking back now, Ali had been hesitant when we mugged Mr. Donnelly; he had even been a bit freaked out. I think he felt he had lost face. The truth was that I had been just as freaked out as he had, I just hid it better; but Ali was so competitive that he had to do something to make himself feel adequate. I hoped that he would drop the idea if I didn't mention it again and because I hadn't said a definite no, I wouldn't lose face. I looked at some graffiti I'd put on the wall the previous summer: 'Brian 24/7/02.' Back then the only crime I had committed was buying cigarettes underage, but now I could be put in a young offender's home for what I had

done. When I got home my mum was already in, she was in a good mood but that changed when I gave her the letter. She gave me an earful, but I was used to it, I could shut it out easily. I used to try to shout back but I realised that doing so just prolonged it. In the end, I just let her blow off steam. I could talk to her rationally about the situation after she had calmed down. On this occasion it took her longer than usual, it was understandable, I'd never been suspended before. She was still angry when she went to bed. She had left the letter sitting on the table so I made myself a cup of tea and sat down to read it. Dear Mrs Jones, I regret to inform you of the behaviour of your son Brian during school today. Brian was caught out of bounds and smoking by a member of staff. Both of these are considered serious breaches of the school code of conduct and, along with the truculent behaviour displayed towards the member of staff who apprehended him, I can see no other way of dealing with him than to suspend him. I am also taking this opportunity to address the matter of Brian's attitude towards school. Despite having good attendance, Brian's behaviour leaves a lot to be desired and he does not make any visible effort in class. A change in attitude is long overdue, especially since this year is the start of his GCSE course. Brian's teachers have sent work home for him to complete which I trust you will make sure he does. I hope you realise the seriousness of this matter and might I remind you that Brian is not to view this as a holiday. Yours Faithfully George Davidson, Headmaster. What a bastard, I thought. I began thinking about Kernohan. He had landed me in this after all. And what was that about truculent behaviour? I didn't know what truculent meant but it sure as fuck wasn't a compliment. Throughout the next week, I thought a lot about the prospect of doing the burglary. I felt that it was taking a big step in a direction that I didn't want to but I wanted to get Kernohan back in a way that he couldn't prove it was me. I began to think more intricately about the details of the burglary. We would be doing it in four weeks time, which meant that I wouldn't be a likely suspect. Selling the stuff would be a problem; Ballymena was too small to be able to sell the goods through a second hand shop. Drug dealers were the best bet, but the last thing I wanted was to be caught hauling a stolen television and video around those parts of town. That Friday I was reading a local newspaper, when I came across an article in it about rising crime figures being blamed on the town's heroin problem. If this was the case, then as long as we didn't leave any fingerprints or the like,

there was no way that Ali and I would be suspected. It would all be blamed on skag heads. * I became a handyman for the week. My mum wasn't very good at that sort of thing and my dad left home when I was six so I had grown up learning how to do various odds and ends. I cleared out the roofspace for the first three days and spent Thursday and Friday painting and tiling the bathroom. My mum was so pleased with this that she decided not to ground me after all. When Ali and I went drinking in the local park that Friday I decided to bring the matter up. "Remember what you said about robbing Kernohan's house?" "Yes," he said, opening a can of Harp. "I want to do it," I said, smiling. "Great," he said with a casual grin, holding up his can for a toast. "But listen, we have to plan this thing to a tee. If we get caught at this we're in deep shit." "Fuck Brian - it's hardly Ocean's Eleven. I can force the window. We'll only go for big things like the TV and video, that way we won't be in the house for too long. We'll wear gloves and hats and 'cause the house is at the back of the estate we can get away across the fields at the back. Johnny can sell the stuff for us. Anything else?" "Yeah, I don't want Scott involved." I wanted to keep Scott removed from anything criminal we did. For one thing he wouldn't go in for it but for another I didn't want to turn us into a gang of hoods. "I don't either. It'll be fine just the two of us. Anyway he'll be away on the rugby tour." "Fine." That proved it. Ali was serious about this. I was glad because I had begun to look forward to it. "Here's to getting even with the bastard then," Ali said, holding up his can for another toast. I chinked my can with his and grinned at him. I was going to enjoy getting even with Kernohan. * Six weeks later the rugby team, Scott included, left for Scotland with

Kernohan on Friday. Ali and I met at the bus station the next Tuesday night at seven o'clock. It was cold and dark; spring was a long time coming. We were both wearing black, with gloves in our pockets. I was feeling nervous and I could tell Ali was too. He was practically lighting a new cigarette off each one that burned down. I was glad that he was nervous. By this point if he had suggested calling it off I would have agreed. I lit up a cigarette too; my nerves needed taming themselves. We went up the Cullybackey Road. This way we could cross the fields and approach the house from the back, which meant that we ran less chance of arousing suspicion. We were taking no chances. We veered off the road into the fields. The grass was long and, as it had rained for most of the week, wet. This annoyed me: if we had to make a run for it, wet trousers would mean heavy ones. We jumped the barbed-wire fence. The next fence we came to would be Kernohan's. I could see it at the top of the hill looming over us, looking suitably daunting. I was beginning to panic a little, but I put this down to stage fright, that initial fear that sparks off an adrenalin rush. I paused at the bottom of the hill for a last cigarette. I crouched down just in case any of Kernohan's neighbours might spot the light of the tip. "Good idea," Ali said, lighting up as well. We smoked them quickly, barely drawing breath between puffs. "Right," I said, throwing mine down, "let's go." We put our gloves on and walked towards the house. It occurred to me as we approached the fence that we hadn't really researched this that well. We didn't know if he had security lights or if any of his neighbours had a dog, he could have a burglar alarm for all we knew, but I wasn't backing out now. I climbed the fence but hesitated slightly. I felt Ali push me on over as he climbed up; he jumped down beside me. We kept low going across the yard. We were lucky, there were no dogs or security lights. Kernohan's neighbours' houses all seemed to be in darkness. Ali forced the window surprisingly quietly. "Easy does it," he whispered to me, giving me a wink before crawling through it. This was it, my last chance to back out. I thought about my mum and how disappointed she'd be with me if I got caught; it was funny that at this moment I was more concerned with her than I was about myself. But then I thought of my suspension and it reminded me why I was doing this. I slipped through the window into the bathroom. "Don't let it slam behind you," Ali whispered, but I knew this already.

The moonlight through the frosted glass lit up the bathroom. The room was as big as my bedroom. It had a bath, a shower, a sink and even a bidet. The place was covered in dishes of pot pourri. "Guess he's going grey in Scotland," Ali laughed, holding up a bottle of Just For Men. He opened it and went to pour it on the carpet. "Don't," I said, grabbing it from him. "Why not," he asked, annoyed. "We can't wreck the house, it'll look like it was someone who didn't like him." "Right enough," he said. Though I could tell from his eyes that he had been looking forward to trashing the place. We set about our chosen rooms, working in the dark and without flashlights. I went to the kitchen first. I reasoned that I could put everything on top of a tablecloth and pick up the corners. I looked around me now that my eyes were adjusted to the dark. I couldn't see anything worth stealing, apart from the microwave. I picked this up under my arm; another look around showed nothing of value. I decided to set upon the living room. I found a tablecloth in a cupboard which I spread out on the floor and began setting the television and video recorder on top. I looked around me; the only other thing worth stealing was the video collection. There were some books and some ornaments but they didn't look very valuable. The video collection was full of old movies like The Sting and Some Like It Hot. I wouldn't have thought Kernohan had the sense of humour to appreciate them properly. I decided I would pick out a few for myself. I gathered the corners of the tablecloth and tried to lift it. It was a struggle to get it on my back, there was no way I could carry it through the fields. I decided to leave the microwave and the videotapes. I left the sheetful downstairs and went upstairs to find Ali. He had already ransacked the spare room by the look of things and he had done the same with the bed sheet as I had done with the tablecloth. "Any luck?" I hissed. "I'll say," he whispered holding up an expensive video camera. "Unload the film." "What? No way, it'll be worth more with a film in it." "I don't care." "Wise up," Ali hissed. "Look, if we want to sell that camera, we can't easily do it if there's a tape of him on it."

"We can erase it," Ali said. "Why are you being such a dick about it?" "We don't have time, we want this stuff sold before he comes home." We were getting louder as we bickered. I hated the attitude Ali was developing. He was letting go of his sense of caution. We didn't really notice how loud we were getting until someone knocked on the front door. We both shut up dead at that point. We looked at each other. Neither of us wanted to move. I was shitting myself. Ali opened his mouth but I silenced him by putting a finger to my lips. I crept silently to the window. The curtains were slightly open. I didn't want to look out in case whoever it was was looking up, but this was necessary. If it was the police Ali and I would need to get out of there quick. I edged closer and peered down at the front porch. I saw two men in anoraks and backpacks. "Fucking Mormons," I muttered under my breath, relieved. I watched until I was satisfied that they were gone. "We done here?" I said to Ali. "Yes," he said, picking up the corners of the bedspread. "Fuck this, let's get out." We went downstairs into the bathroom. I got out of the window first and Ali handed me out the sheetfuls one at a time. I then left them over beside the fence. On my way back to I saw Ali half fall out of the window and land in a run. "The fucking cops!" he hissed. "They're out the front." I vaulted the fence; it was amazing what adrenalin could do for you. "Pass me the sheets," I called to him, "we can't leave them here!" Ali grabbed the sheets. He passed me one and swung the other over his shoulder as he jumped down from the fence. There was no time to say anything and no need. We bolted down the hill but not back along the way we came in; it was the most obvious way from the road and the police would no doubt try to cut us off. The adrenaline rush I was having made the sheet feel light, but it still dug into my hands. I wasn't going to let it go though; I'd been through too much to get it. I reached a barbed-wire fence and jumped it, not looking to see if Ali managed it as well. I lost count of the number of fields we crossed, but I remember falling once. I was soaking wet when I got up but I kept running. "Stop," I panted to Ali. "Keep going," he shouted from just behind me. He was right, the police could

still be close by. We passed through another couple of fields before we came out onto the road. We stopped at a bridge and ducked under it. We sat panting like dogs. If anyone had been nearby they would have heard us for sure, but we couldn't help it. "I'd love a fag if I could breathe," Ali said eventually. Just then a car cruised slowly over the bridge, so slowly that I thought it was sure to stop. My heart was pounding like the harmers and my head was bouncing, but I sat still. My hands were aching, the skin was starting to peel on one of them. I would need to steal some moisturiser from my mum when I got home. That was one theft that wouldn't be so hard to pull off. There was a walkway down by the river and Ali motioned that we should go down by it. I wasn't sure if this was a good idea; there was no guarantee that it wasn't the police on the bridge and I didn't want to draw attention to ourselves. "Let's stash the stuff under the bridge here," Ali said. "I'll get Johnny tocome back in the car tomorrow and pick it up." I liked this idea. My nerves had had enough for one night and the walk back to town would be a lot easier if we didn't have any evidence on us, especially if we met the police. We walked back along the riverbank into town. I knew a few shortcuts along the way; one of my earliest memories was fishing here with my father as a four year old. I never thought about him much but it was funny how he was being useful to me now though I hadn't seen him in nearly ten years. We seemed more relaxed and even quite pleased with ourselves by the time we got into town; we were laughing and joking but really my nerves were shot to pieces. It was still only ten o'clock and I felt like doing something to calm down. "Listen, I've got another hour before I have to be back home," I said. "Do you want to go to the bowling alley?" "It's probably best if we're not seen together tonight," Ali said. "Where will we say we were if anyone asks?" "Dunno, but it's best if we say we weren't together; that way we won't screw each other's stories up." "I want to come with you and Johnny to get the stuff," I said, suspicious of how Ali and his brother might try to swindle me out of my proper share. "Sure, goodnight Brian," he said as I turned away.

"Hey Brian, remember what happened here?" he called suddenly. This was the place where we had mugged that guy a few months ago. I turned around to see him grinning smugly. It was then I decided that I didn't like what Ali was becoming. I went and sat beside the river at the bottom of my estate. I thought about going to the bowling alley but my clothes were filthy. In the end I bought some sweets and went home. On the way I tried to think up an excuse to tell my mum that would explain the state of my clothes. I wondered if she would believe I still played WWF.