LISTENING SKILLS

We were given two ears but only one mouth.

This is because God knew that listening was twice as hard as talking.
People need to practice and acquire skills to be good listeners, because a speaker
cannot throw you information in the same manner that a dart player tosses a dart at a
passive dartboard. Information is an intangible substance that must be sent by the
speaker and received by an active listener.

THE FACE IT SOLUTION FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING

Many people are familiar with the scene of the child standing in front of dad, just bursting
to tell him what happened in school that day. Unfortunately, dad has the paper in front of
his face and even when he drops the paper down half-way, it is visibly apparent that he is
not really listening.
A student solved the problem of getting dad to listen from behind his protective paper
wall. Her solution was to say, "Move your face, dad, when I'm talking to you.'' This simple
solution will force even the poorest listener to adopt effective listening skills because it
captures the essence of good listening.
GOOD LISTENERS LISTEN WITH THEIR FACES The first skill that you can
practice to be a good listener is to act like a good listener. We have spent a lot of our
modern lives working at tuning out all of the information that is thrust at us. It therefore
becomes important to change our physical body language from that of a deflector to that
of a receiver, much like a satellite dish. Our faces contain most of the receptive
equipment in our bodies, so it is only natural that we should tilt our faces towards the
channel of information.
A second skill is to use the other bodily receptors besides your ears. You can be a better
listener when you look at the other person. Your eyes pick up the non-verbal signals that
all people send out when they are speaking. By looking at the speaker, your eyes will
also complete the eye contact that speakers are trying to make. A speaker will work
harder at sending out the information when they see a receptive audience in attendance.
Your eyes help complete the communication circuit that must be established between
speaker and listener.
When you have established eye and face contact with your speaker, you must then react
to the speaker by sending out non-verbal signals. Your face must move and give the
range of emotions that indicate whether you are following what the speaker has to say.
By moving your face to the information, you can better concentrate on what the person is
saying. Your face must become an active and contoured catcher of information.
It is extremely difficult to receive information when your mouth is moving information out
at the same time. A good listener will stop talking and use receptive language instead.
Use the I see . . . un hunh . . . oh really words and phrases that follow and encourage
 your speaker's train of thought. This forces you to react to the ideas presented, rather
than the person. You can then move to asking questions, instead of giving your opinion
on the information being presented. It is a true listening skill to use your mouth as a
moving receptor of information rather than a broadcaster.
A final skill is to move your mind to concentrate on what the speaker is saying. You
cannot fully hear their point of view or process information when you argue mentally or
judge what they are saying before they have completed. An open mind is a mind that is
receiving and listening to information.
If you really want to listen, you will act like a good listener. Good listeners are good
catchers because they give their speakers a target and then move that target to capture
the information that is being sent. When good listeners aren't understanding their
speakers, they will send signals to the speaker about what they expect next, or how the
speaker can change the speed of information delivery to suit the listener. Above all, a
good listener involves all of their face to be an active moving listener.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

1. If you are really listening intently, you should feel tired after your speaker has finished.
Effective listening is an active rather than a passive activity.
2. When you find yourself drifting away during a listening session, change your body
position and concentrate on using one of the above skills. Once one of the skills is being
used, the other active skills will come into place as well.
3. Your body position defines whether you will have the chance of being a good listener or a
good deflector. Good listeners are like poor boxers: they lead with their faces.
4. Meaning cannot just be transmitted as a tangible substance by the speaker. It must also
be stimulated or aroused in the receiver. The receiver must therefore be an active
participant for the cycle of communication to be complete.

Listening Skills

What does it mean to really listen? Real listening is an active process that has
three basic steps.

1. Hearing. Hearing just means listening enough to catch what the speaker is saying. For
example, say you were listening to a report on zebras, and the speaker mentioned that
no two are alike. If you can repeat the fact, then you have heard what has been said.
2. Understanding. The next part of listening happens when you take what you have heard
and understand it in your own way. Let's go back to that report on zebras. When you hear
that no two are alike, think about what that might mean. You might think, "Maybe this
means that the pattern of stripes is different for each zebra."
3. Judging. After you are sure you understand what the speaker has said, think about
whether it makes sense. Do you believe what you have heard? You might think, "How
could the stripes to be different for every zebra? But then again, the fingerprints are
different for every person. I think this seems believable."
Tips for being a good listener

1. Give your full attention on the person who is speaking. Don't look out the window or at
what else is going on in the room.
2. Make sure your mind is focused, too. It can be easy to let your mind wander if you think
you know what the person is going to say next, but you might be wrong! If you feel your
mind wandering, change the position of your body and try to concentrate on the speaker's
words.
3. Let the speaker finish before you begin to talk. Speakers appreciate having the chance to
say everything they would like to say without being interrupted. When you interrupt, it
looks like you aren't listening, even if you really are.
4. Let yourself finish listening before you begin to speak! You can't really listen if you are
busy thinking about what you want say next.
5. Listen for main ideas. The main ideas are the most important points the speaker wants to
get across. They may be mentioned at the start or end of a talk, and repeated a number
of times. Pay special attention to statements that begin with phrases such as "My point
is..." or "The thing to remember is..."
6. Ask questions. If you are not sure you understand what the speaker has said, just ask. It
is a good idea to repeat in your own words what the speaker said so that you can be sure
your understanding is correct. For example, you might say, "When you said that no two
zebras are alike, did you mean that the stripes are different on each one?"
7. Give feedback. Sit up straight and look directly at the speaker. Now and then, nod to
show that you understand. At appropriate points you may also smile, frown, laugh, or be
silent. These are all ways to let the speaker know that you are really listening.
Remember, you listen with your face as well as your ears!

Thinking fast
Remember: time is on your side! Thoughts move about four times as fast as speech. With
practice, while you are listening you will also be able to think about what you are hearing,
really understand it, and give feedback to the speaker.
Improving Listening Skills

What are three types of effective listening?

1. Paraphrasing

To paraphrase, one simply rewords what another individual has said. For example, the
speaker might say, ``She was foolish to quit her job.'' The listener might respond, ``I hear
you saying that you believe she shouldn't have quit.'' What has occurred is paraphrasing
where the listener has clarified what the speaker has said.
Paraphrase - Restating what another person has said in your own words.
Example: Speaker: It just wasn't the right thing for him to do
Listener: You believe he shouldn't have done that.
 2. Open questions
An open question explores a person's statement without requiring a simple ``yes'' or ``no''
answer. The basic difference between an open question and a closed question is what
they provide the person being asked. When you are asked an open question it helps you
think more about an issue. A closed question will not do that. It may force you to answer
before you are ready, or require a ``yes'' or ``no'' answer that doesn't allow more thinking
about the issue. Closed questions close the door on further thought, while open
questions open the door. For example, the speaker might say, ``I don't like my job.'' The
listener might respond, ``What about your job don't you like?'' or, ``Tell me more about
your feelings regarding your job.''
Open Question - A question that helps a person explore their feelings (rather than
forcing a ``yes,'' ``no,'' or other certain answer).
Example: Speaker: I didn't like that show.
Listener: What didn't you like about it?
3. Feeling Reflection.
Feeling reflection is a response in which you express a feeling or emotion you have
experienced in reference to a particular statement. For example, the speaker might say,
``I get sick of working so much overtime!'' The listener might respond, ``I hear you feeling
angry and resentful at being asked to work so much overtime.'' Feeling reflections are
perhaps the most difficult active listening responses to make. Not only do you actively
listen to what is being said but also you actively listen for what is being felt. When you
make a feeling reflection, you are reflecting back what you hear of another's feelings. It is
similar to paraphrasing; however, you repeat what you heard them feeling instead of what
you heard them saying. To understand what individuals are feeling, you must listen to
their words, to their tone of voice, and watch their body signals. By observing all three
you can begin to guess their feelings.
Feeling Reflection - your perception of the speaker's feelings based on words, tone, and
body language.
Example: Speaker: I can't stand to be kept waiting!
Listener: Your pacing the floor and your tone of voice tells me that you feel this an abuse of your
time.

How can listening skills be improved?

o Listen carefully so that you will be able to understand, comprehend, and evaluate.
Careful listening will require a conscious effort on your part. You must be aware of the
verbal and nonverbal messages (reading between the lines).
o Be mentally and physically prepared to listen. Put other thoughts out of your mind. Your
attention will be diverted from listening if you try to think of answers in advance.
o You can't hear if YOU do all the talking. Don't talk too much.
o Think about the topic in advance, if possible. Be prepared to listen.
o Listen with empathy. See the situation from the other's point of view. Try to put yourself in
their shoes.
o Be courteous; don't interrupt. Take notes if you worry about forgetting a particular point.
o Avoid stereotyping individuals by making assumptions about how you expect them to act.
This will bias your listening.
o Listen to how something is said. Be alert for what is left unsaid.
o Make certain everyone involved gets an opportunity to voice their opinions. Don't let one
person dominate the conversation.
o Face those you are talking with, lean slightly forward, and make eye contact. Use body to
show your interest, concern.

Roadblocks to effective listening.

The following types of responses indicate ineffective listening:

o warning
o interrogating
o preaching
o ordering
o judging
o diverting
o analyzing
o blaming
o labeling
o moralizing
o probing
o ridiculing
o threatening
o reassuring
o distracting
o sympathizing
o demanding
o interpreting
o teaching
o withdrawing
o giving solutions
o scolding
o praising
o advising
o criticizing
o directing
o lecturing
o name–calling
 Reasons to Improve Listening Skills

o To avoid saying the wrong thing, being tactless

o To dissipate strong feelings
o To learn to accept feelings (yours and others)
o To generate a feeling of caring
o To help people start listening to you
o To increase the other person's confidence in you
o To make the other person feel important and recognized
o To be sure you both are on the same wavelength
o To be sure you both are focused on the same topic
o To check that you are both are on target with one another

Questions to Ask Yourself in Conversations

o What am I doing in this interaction?

o What are my strategies or goals in communicating this message?
o Where do I want to go in this conversation?
o What is my body feeling right now in this conversation?
o What pressures am I feeling in talking with this person?
o What could I say differently?
o How could I say that so as to show I understood?
o What am I feeling at this time?
o What impulses do I have?
o What is my decision–making process in this conversation?
o How is she feeling toward me?
o What do I want or not want him to feel?
o What risks am I experiencing in this conversation?
o How is her appearance affecting me?
o What fantasy is going on in my head in this dialogue?
o What cues of the other am I responding to?
o How does his behavior affect my approach in this discussion?
o How genuine am I feeling at this time?
o How does what I say reflect genuineness to her?
o How could I have made what I just said more empathetic? How did I demonstrate respect
for the other?
o How is my level of communication and vocabulary affecting the dialogue?
o What different style of communication could I use to reach her better?
o How attentive am I to him at this time?
o How do I feel about her response?
o How comfortable am I feeling at this time?
o How are my values affecting what I am hearing at this time?
o What is the level of my trust at this time?
o How did that question further the discussion and show I was listening?
o How mutually helpful is this conversation at this time?
o How honest are my statements with her?
o How comfortable am I in honestly labeling what I see going on with him?
o What can I do to improve the feedback I am giving the other?
o How well am I tuning into her feelings?
o What responses can I use to demonstrate that I am ``with'' the other?

Feelings for Which You Can be Listening

Use these lists of words to help you as you listen for the feelings of others in your
conversations. Try to identify the other person's feeling, then reflect them back to the
speaker.

POSITIVE FEELINGS

Love, Affection, Concern, Interest

absorbed altruistic brotherly congenial admired amiable caring conscientious

adorable benevolent charitable considerate affected benign Christian cooperative
affectionate big–hearted compassionate cordial agreeable honest comforting
courteous dedicated honorable concerned curious devoted hospitable neighborly
sweet easy–going humane nice sympathetic empathetic inquiring obliging tender
engrossed inquisitive open thoughtful excited interested optimistic tolerant fascinated
intrigued patient truthful fair just peaceful trustworthy faithful kind pleasant
understanding forgiving kind–hearted polite unselfish friendly kindly reasonable warm
generous lenient receptive warm–hearted genuine good–natured reliable well–
meaning giving loving respectful wise good mellow responsible helpful good–
humored mild sensitive moral
Elation, Joy
airy exalted hilarious serene amused excellent humorous sparkling animated excited in
high spirit spirited at ease exhilarated inspired splendid blissful exaltation jolly sunny
buoyant fantastic jovial superb bright festive joyful terrific brilliant fine joyous thrilled calm
fit jubilant tranquil cheerful free lighthearted tremendous comfortable frisky lively
triumphant comical gay magnificent turned on complacent genial majestic vivacious
contented glad marvelous witty convivial gleeful merry wonderful delighted glorious
overjoyed easy ecstatic good peaceful enthusiastic elated grand playful happy elevated
gratified pleasant proud enchanted great pleased satisfied
Eager
agog avid enthusiastic hot–headed anxious desirous fervent intense ardent earnest keen
zealous
Potency, Strength, Fearlessness
able durable influential sharp adequate dynamic intense skillful assured effective intrepid
spirited audacious encouraged lion–hearted stable authoritative energetic macho
stouthearted bold enterprising manly strong brave fearless mighty sure capable firm
powerful dauntless competent forceful reassured tough confident gallant resolute virile
courageous hardy robust well–equipped daring healthy secure determined dauntless
self–confident important

NEGATIVE FEELINGS

Depressed, Sad
abandoned despised horrible pathetic alien despondent humiliated pitiful alienated
destroyed ill at ease rebuked alone discarded in the dumps regretful annihilate
disconsolate jilted reprimanded awful discontented joyless rotten battered discouraged
kaput ruined below par disfavored left out run down blue disheartened loathed sans
burned dismal lonely somber cast off done for lonesome sorrowful cheapened downcast
lousy spiritless cheerless downhearted low stranded crestfallen downtrodden melancholy
sulky crushed dreadful miserable sullen dark dreary mishandled tearful debased
estranged mistreated terrible defeated excluded moody unhappy degraded flat moping
unloved dejected forlorn mournful upset demolished forsaken obsolete valueless
depressed frowning ostracized washed up desolate funeral out of sorts whipped despair
gloomy overlooked woeful grim glum hated worthless heavy–hearted wrecked grieving
burdened
Distress, Hurt
aching disliked impatient skeptical afflicted displeased imprisoned speechless agonized
dissatisfied injured strained anguished distrustful in pain stressed at the feet of disturbed
lost suffering at the mercy of doubtful mournful suspicious awkward foolish nauseated
swamped badgered futile offended the plaything of bewildered grief pained the puppet of
blameworthy grieved pathetic tormented clumsy heartbroken perplexed touchy confused
helpless puzzled tragic constrained hindered ridiculous ungainly crushed impaired
sickened unlucky disgusted privation silly unpopular unsatisfied unsure victimized worried
Fear, Anxiety
afraid fainthearted jittery shy aghast fearful jumpy strained agitated fidgety menaced
stressful alarmed frightened misgiving suspicious anxious hesitant nervous tense
appalled high anxiety on edge terrified apprehensive horrified overwhelmed terror–
stricken awed hysterical panicky threatened bashful ill at ease paranoid timid chicken in
fear petrified timorous cowardly insecure quaking tremulous desperate intimidated
restless uncomfortable dismayed jealous scared uneasy doubtful bullied shaky worrying
dread embarrassed shocked yellow
Belittling, Criticism, Scorn
abused diminished made light of ridiculed belittled discredited maligned roasted branded
disdained minimized scoffed at carped at disgraced mocked scorned caviled at
disparaged neglected shamed censured humiliated not taken seriously slammed
criticized ignored overlooked slandered defamed jeered poked fun at slighted deflated
lampooned pooh–poohed thought nothing of deprecated laughed at pulled to pieces
underestimated spurned libeled put down underrated derided
Doubtful
distrustful indecisive questioning unbelieving dubious misgiving skeptical uncertain
hesitant perplexed suspicious incredulity
Impotency, Inadequacy
anemic flimsy insecure unable broken fragile insufficient unarmed broken down frail lame
uncertain chicken–hearted harmless maimed unfit cowardly helpless meek unimportant
crippled impotent nerveless unqualified debilitated inadequate paralyzed unsound
defective incapable powerless unsubstantiated deficient incompetent puny useless
demoralized indefensible shaken vulnerable disabled ineffective shaky weak effeminate
inefficient sickly weak–hearted exhausted inept small wimp exposed inferior strengthless
rudderless feeble infirm trivial dead beat
Anger, Hostility, Cruelty
aggravated cross hypercritical rebellious agitated cruel ill–tempered reckless aggressive
deadly impatient resentful angry cool incensed revengeful annoyed corrosive
inconsiderate rough antagonistic dictatorial indignant rude arrogant disagreeable
inflamed ruthless austere discontented infuriated sadistic bad–tempered dogmatic
inhuman savage belligerent enraged insensitive severe bigoted envious intolerable
spiteful biting fierce intolerant stern bloodthirsty fuming irritated stormy blunt furious irate
sulky boiling gruesome mad sullen bullying hard malicious unfeeling callous hard–
hearted mean unfriendly cantankerous harsh murderous unmerciful cold–blooded hateful
nasty unruly combative heartless obstinate vicious contrary hellish offended vindictive
cranky hideous opposed violent critical hostile oppressive worked–up provoked
prejudiced outraged wrathful poisonous piqued perturbed wrought–up

Practice listening for feelings

Give either a paraphrase, an open question, or a feeling–reflection listening response for

each of the following statements. First identify the feelings then give your response.
Compare your answers with a friend's. Discuss the feelings identification and
appropriateness of your responses.
I am overwhelmed with work and can't get to your project yet.
Feelings:
Response:
No one ever appreciates me around here!
Feelings:
Response:
I am lost. I'll never get this job done. Can you help me with this?
Feelings:
Response:
When I was younger I never knew what to expect in my house. One day Dad would
be happy and carefree, and the next day he might be angry and hateful.
Feelings:
Response:
I always work hard to achieve the goals of my group. I can't believe everyone else
doesn't feel that way.
Feelings:
Response:
I am so upset. I hate bringing the baby to the mall. Everyone stares at him. I get so
embarrassed, I could cry!
Feelings:
Response:
Why doesn't anyone understand how I feel? I try my hardest but it never seems to
matter. They still argue and fight all the time.
Feelings:
Response:
I would rather die than let anyone know how I feel about it.
Feelings:
Response:
No one but me is responsible for what happens to me. Butt out of my business and
I'll butt out of yours.
Feelings:
Response:
Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why has God chosen
me for this?
Feelings:
Response:
Why doesn't anyone ever hear me? I am so anxious for them to give me a chance
but they all seem busy and preoccupied. I don't think they really care about me
anymore.
Feelings:
Response:
You are all a bunch of phonies. I can't stand your cold–hearted, pompous ideas of
right and wrong. I'd rather be anywhere else than with you tonight!
Feelings:
Response:
I get so embarrassed in that group. Everyone seems so together and with it. I'm
afraid they would never accept me for who I am and the way I feel.
Feelings:
Response:
I get so uptight coming to this group every week. I am sure that someday my turn
will come and I'll be so clammed up I'll never be able to say a word.
Feelings:
Response:
I am so afraid of letting my feelings out. If I ever let them out, I may never stop. I
might go over the edge.
Feelings:
 Response:
My dad and mom are so busy taking care of my little brother that I'm afraid to tell
them about my problems. They seem insignificant compared to his problems.
Feelings:
Response:
Nobody really cares if we win or lose. They goof around and take nothing serious.
Feelings:
Response:
I am so untalented, ignorant, and ugly that no one could possibly love me.
Feelings:
Response:
I wish that I had never been born. If I hadn't been born, maybe my family wouldn't
have had such problems. Maybe Mom and Dad would have been happy and not
divorced.
Feelings:
Response:
I want to thank you for making this the best day of my life. You are all so special
and wonderful. I love you all.
Feelings:
Response:

Listening Role-Play Activity

You and a friend can practice effective listening on one another. Practice with these ten
suggested topics.
Step 1:
One partner takes a turn as speaker, the other as listener. For five minutes the speaker
elaborates on one of the ten topics. The listener uses effective listening and makes
appropriate responses back to the speaker.
Step 2:
After the five–minute role play is completed, the speaker spends two minutes giving
feedback to the listening partner on the effective listener skills used. Review Section II to
help you give appropriate feedback.
Step 3:
After the first practice and feedback session, switch roles until all topics have been
covered. Use the material on listening in Sections I and II as a tool to make
improvements in your listening and feedback skills
Ten Practice Listening Topics:
How I feel about:

o My life today.
o Being raised in my family of origin.
o All the good things that have happened to me
 o My future.
o My decision to participate in a support group.
o My current personal problems.
o Learning to deal with my problems.
o Listening to other people's deepest concerns and feelings.
o Showing love to those closest to me.
o The fact that I influence my life, regardless of the events, with either positive or negative
outcomes.

Self-Disclosure
Self-disclosure is seen as a useful strategy for sharing information with others. By sharing
information, we become more intimate with other people and our interpersonal
relationship is strengthened. Read about self-disclosure and then complete the interactive
activity and take a short quiz to test your understanding of the concept.
Definition Self-disclosure is not simply providing information to another
person. Instead, scholars define self-disclosure as sharing
information with others that they would not normally know or
discover. Self-disclosure involves risk and vulnerability on the
part of the person sharing the information.
The Johari Window A useful way of viewing self-disclosure is the Johari window18.
The Johari window is a way of showing how much information
you know about yourself and how much others know about you.
The window contains four panes, as shown below.
Known to self Unknown to self
Open Pane Blind Pane
Known to others known to self and blind to self, seen by
others others
Hidden Pane Unknown Pane
Unknown to others open to self, hidden unknown to self and
from others others
The Open Pane includes information such as hair color,
occupation, and physical appearance. The Blind Pane includes
information that others can see in you, but you cannot see in your
self. You might think you are poor leader, but others think you
exhibit strong leadership skills. The Hidden Pane contains
information you wish to keep private, such as dreams or
ambitions. The Unknown Pane includes everything that you and
others do not know about yourself. You may have hidden talents,
for example, that you have not explored. Through self-disclosure,
we open and close panes so that we may become more intimate
with others.
Functions of Self- Self-disclosure performs several functions. It is a way of gaining
Disclosure information about another person. We want to be able to predict
the thoughts and actions of people we know. Self-disclosure is
one way to learn about how another person thinks and feels.
Once one person engages in self-disclosure, it is implied that the
other person will also disclose personal information. This is
known as the norm of reciprocity. Mutual disclosure deepens trust
in the relationships and helps both people understand each other
more. You also come to feel better about yourself and your
relationship when the other person accepts what you tell them.
Risks of Self- While there are several advantages to self-disclosure, there are
Disclosure also risks. One risk is that the person will not respond favorably
to the information. Self-disclosure does not automatically lead to
favorable impressions. Another risk is that the other person will
gain power in the relationship because of the information they
possess. Finally, too much self-disclosure or self-disclosure that
comes too early in a relationship can damage the relationship.
Thus, while self-disclosure is useful, it can also be damaging to a
relationship.