Wait on the Lord Hurry up and wait! is an expression with which most of us are familiar.

The adoption process is fraught with ebbs and flows of hurrying and waiting. Mountains of paperwork need to be completed. The arduous adoption process requires adoption agency appointments, meetings with social workers and home study reports, the filing of police reports, fingerprinting, writing of ones personal history, signing documents ad naseum until one questions the logic of adoption in the first place. For many international adoptions, documents expire after 6 months and must be resubmitted, reverified and reauthenticated if the child has not yet arrived in the U.S within the 6 months of initial signing. Yet, as the procedural progression unfolds, we come to realize how important the little person is for whom we are yearning. We are not merely filling out forms, rather the forms represent to us a child without a home for whom we are fighting. It is the hope of uniting with this future family member that gives us the drive to endure the often humiliating proceedings required by the system. Hebrews 11 reads: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Todays New International Version Hebrews 11:1) The author of Hebrews was referring here to our faith in Christ, yet this passage can also encourage the adoptive parent who longs to see and hold his or her little one. As adoptive parents, we pray that God would fill us with a certainty that our labors would bring the reward of that long awaited uniting with our child. In spite of the trying and time consuming adoption proceedings, it is the wait that most agonizes adoptive parents. I gave birth to 4 beautiful, and quite large baby boys. Yet, I concede that the non-biological pregnancy I endured while waiting for my adopted daughter was the most strenuous. It was during this long wait that I worried, cried, pleaded with God, tried to manipulate the proceedings in a need to have some sort of control and often gave up hope that I would ever see my daughter. Whether you are a first-time parent, or already have children, the interim before the adoptive child is a physical part of your family can be very painful. During the wait, we may ask ourselves why having a child is so important to us. What motivates our need to nurture a child? Could it be that God plants the desires in our hearts to take an adoptive child into our home? Psalm 37:4-5 states:

4Take delight in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:

Yet, as we read further in Psalm 37, David writes:

7

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

If we trust in God, he will direct our path and place His desires on our heart, yet the fulfillment of these desires may not be instantaneous. How hard it is in our impatience to lean on Him and be still! My adopted daughter, Rachel, is now 12. She was almost 1 year old when I returned with her from Vietnam to meet her brothers and father in Colorado. The year of waiting for her homecoming was full of anxiety. Our adoption process was slow and painful. We began filling out paperwork in August of 1997 and it wasnt until August of 1999 that my husband and I got to hold Rachel in our arms. What led us to adopt? In my journal entry from Sept. 29, 1998, I wrote: I always dreamt of having a daughter to share my thoughts and dreams with. And God in His omniscience knew that we were some day to be united. With the birth of each boy, whom I so dearly love and cherish, there was this ache for you, yet unknown to me a true gift from God to be bestowed upon us in His special timing.

After the birth of our 4th son, my husband felt the burden of supporting me and the boys, and would, therefore, brush off any of my musings about adoption. I started to cut out newspaper and magazine articles that dealt with adoption and even asked adoption agencies to send me pamphlets. On several occasions, I showed Garth pictures of adorable children who needed a home. The little Asian girls most often pulled at my heartstrings. Yet my husband seemed unmoved by my prodding. Then on August 23rd, 1998, our pastor gave a sermon entitled Plucking up and Planting. Pastor Rich McDermott read from Ecclesiastes 3:For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill and a time to heal;a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance;.a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. (King James Version Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) Pastor drew a connection between the passage from Ecclesiastes and the time in which we found ourselves:As we face the end of the twentieth century, we would do well to consider what God expects of us in these days, and exactly what time it is in Gods providence. Perhaps the Lord has given us a wake-up call, if you will. Pastor McDermott then referred to Jeremiah who was, lacking a bit in courage and bravado when he was called. He read in Jeremiah 1: The word of the Lord came to Jeremiah saying, before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you: I appointed you a prophet to the nations. Pastor summarized: Before Jeremiah was formed in his mothers womb, the Lord knew him personally and knew his destiny. And even before he was born, the Lord consecrated and ordained him to be a prophet to his people and to all the nations of the world, both then and now. I believe that the Lord knows and consecrates all of us in a similar fashion, to serve him with courage and conviction. (McDermott, Richard. Plucking up and Planting. First Presbyterian Church. Fort Collins. 23 Aug. 1997.) In the conclusion of the sermon that morning, Pastor asked us to consider what we needed to prune and pluck up in our own lives. Would we take risks for the Lord? Was He calling us to bear fruit for His kingdom? I enjoyed the sermon, but little did I know that God had used our pastor that morning to guide us and give us courage. Later that evening, Garth told me that God had been opening his heart to the idea of adoption, and that Richs sermon had convicted him of the need to take a risk for the Lord. In my mind adoption had been a dream, yet God had chosen a time and a season for this very gift with which He blessed us the time was upon us! In the 1990s, reports had been circulating about the need for adoptive parents of Chinese baby girls. Due to Chinas one child policy and their patriarchal traditions, boys were preferred over girls. Daughters were often viewed as a burden on the family, whereas boys could carry on the family name and support elderly parents more easily in the Chinese culture. The stories of abandoned baby girls broke my heart. We were also concerned about the lack of religious freedom in China and hoped to enable a child who may not have been taught about Christ this opportunity; and so our first adoption agency visit was with Chinese Children International in Denver. How disappointed I was during this meeting to hear that we had little chance of being placed with a Chinese baby girl due to the size of our family. The Chinese officials would sooner refer a child to a childless family in an effort to support their one child mandate in China. As the weeks passed, I felt more and more drawn to Vietnam. Similar to Communist China, Christians in Vietnam were being persecuted. Unmarried, pregnant Vietnamese women were held in disdain and their children, without the name of a father, were shunned. All of a sudden small puzzle pieces began to form a picture in my mind. During my sophomore year in college, I had roomed with a young, Vietnamese girl named Thanh. Thanh had been separated from her parents while visiting family in Hong Kong when the Vietnam War ended. She shared heartwrenching stories with me about her fathers difficult experiences as a high official in the South Vietnamese army. During our year together, Thanhs father escaped Vietnam with her younger brother; young boys over age 15 were forced to serve in the military, and Thanhs parents had feared for their sons life. Thanh included me in celebrations with her Vietnamese friends. One of these friends, Anh, was older than most students. I remarked to Thanh that Anh seemed to be so happy. Thanh then shared that this was fascade; Anh had lost both his wife and child while escaping Vietnam to the U.S. in a small boat. These and other stories told by Thanh filled me with a fascination for the Vietnamese culture. Our pastor and his wife had adopted from Haiti, and they helped us to connect with a family who had adopted from Vietnam. My husband and I met the McGinleys over dinner, and we discussed their Vietnamese adoption. They had adopted through a Christian agency in Castle Rock, Colorado: Hopes Promise. (not sure I should share this info due to further information listed later in this account) On November 11, 1997, we met for the first time with the director of Hopes Promise. Yet, it wasnt until almost a year later, on September 17, 1998 that our daughter was born and almost another year passed before we were to hold her in our arms.

We are not certain why it took so long after filling out the many forms that we were given a referral in which we were matched with a child; but as the process began to unfold, we became aware of problems with the facilitator in Vietnam and her ability to efficiently process adoptions. We were repeatedly disappointed in our efforts to communicate with the local agency and with the facilitator in Vietnam. The excuses as to why this or that form had not been received or completed seemed so vague and when we shared our frustrations with the agency, they told us it was normal to wait this long for a match. Garth and I decided to meet with another agency to find out if they had Vietnamese children ready to be joined with a family. We drove again to Denver to meet with the director of Adoption Alliance, an agency which also placed children from Vietnam into Colorado families. We were told that there was no reason to wait a year to be matched with a child and that once we repeated the process of lengthy paperwork through their agency, we would quickly receive a referral. And so once again, I started to fill out paperwork. On September 17, 1998, I filled out the first forms for Adoption Alliance. Why is this date so significant? Four days later, on Septemeber 21, 1998 we got a call from the original agency. A baby girl had been born on September 17th, 1998, and since we were the next in line to be matched with a daughter, we could accept or refuse the referral. Had I indeed been impatient? Was God sending me a message and was I now willing to trust in Gods timing? After receiving online pictures of our daughter, Minh Tuyen, we decided to accept the referral and praised God. Yet, the agonizing wait became more difficult with Minh Tuyens little face etched in my mind. We were told to expect a wait of 3-6 months before being able to pick up our daughter in Vietnam. We should, however, be ready to hop on a plane within a two week window any time after that first three months had expired. We contacted a travel agency that freqently dealt with adoption agencies and therefore understood the need to acquire last minute, reasonably priced tickets to Asia. We attended courses through the adoption agency meant to help us prepare for the arrival of our child. The classes on attachment disorder seemed to only depress rather than enlighten the participants, yet we understood that we would be dealing with different issues than parents who biologically brought their child into this world. We were presented frightening scenarios about children whose birth mothers used drugs or alcohol during the pregnancy. Once again, we were faced with the knowledge that we had no control over the situation and that the pregancy, as all other details of the adoption were in Gods hands and not ours. It was so difficult to wait patiently even during the first three months of my childs life. I would try to imagine my daughters daily routine yet, the adoption agency was not interested in telling us any details about our child. Although they had e-mail contact with the facilitator in Vietnam, we would not hear from them unless we first called them to inquire about our child. There seemed a lack of concern for the personal aspect of our family and the wellbeing of our child, and we were often frustrated. I was already quite busy with my 4 other children, yet my thoughts frequently dwelt on my daughter in Vietnam. I read voraciously any books I could about Vietnam and about adoption. I attended Bible Study Fellowship and received support and love from the ladies in my small group. The most significant comfort, however, came from my Vietnam Moms group, as we called ourselves. Cindy Mckinley, who told Garth and me first about the adoption agency through which we adopted, organized a group of Moms who were adopting through this same agency. Our group of 4 Moms would meet in Longmont at McDonalds where our other children would play and we would talk. Cindy had already brought her Vietnamese baby home and Keri, Jennifer and I were in the midst of the agonizing wait. I discovered that Keri and Jennifer were also getting the runaround from the adoption agency, and so we used our times together in person and on the phone to encourage and pray for each other. I had one other friend who was always willing to listen and reassure me: my dear friend, Connie. As I am writing this, I will check various online Thesaurus sites to avoid redundant word usage. Wordsmyth lists as one of its definitions for the verb listen: to wait expectantly for a certain sound. (Listen. Wordsymth.Web. 14November 2010.)Even listening requires patience and the ability to wait. Connie is an excellent listener. She would not only allow me the time to vent my angst, but would also help me to laugh at myself and at my circumstances. As I started to peruse the diary I kept while waiting for Rachel, I came across cards that Connie had taken the time to find and send. The pictures on the front of the card were usually humorous, and the words she so kindly penned inside always served to lift my spirits. I had other friends who lived in town and far away who would share words of encouragment, and their love inspired in me hope and the energy to keep waiting. One of the difficulties one experiences during the international adoption process is the inability to make definite future plans. Without the knowledge of travel time to the foreign country, one feels stuck in uncertainty and frustrated by the inability to contemplate opportunities in the upcoming months. Since 3 months after our childs birth was December, we werent even certain that we would be home to celebrate Christmas with our other four children. The agency provided us with no sense of a timeline, and so we began to fear the future. Christmas came and passed, and we still had received no word about our daughter. During one of those fearfilled days on January 6, 1998, we finally got a call from the adoption agency. Filled with hopeful longing for my child, I was convinced the call regarded travel plans to retrieve our daughter. I was devastated to discover the reason that we at last were hearing from the agency. As it turned out, there were serious problems in the province in which Minh Tuyens mother resided. The immigration police from Binh Thuan province had already created difficulties for another American family whose child was born in that province. As I ponder this situation

today, I am struck the realization that our adoption agency knew there were political complications with the officials of Binh Thuan province when they first told us of our daughters birth. We were told that the adoption faciltator, who resided part-time in Vietnam, had been slandered by the immigration police in Binh Thuan province. Our adoption agencys facilitator was accused of not adhering to the laws of the province. As it was explained to us, there was a young man whom this facilitator had trained. He now worked as a facilitator and wanted to profit from adoptions; in order to get all of the business in that province, he falsely accused the woman who was now responsible for our daughters wellbeing, of illegally selling babies. The result of the allegation was that children under our facilitators care who were born in that province would not be allowed out of the country until the investigation was resolved by the Vietnamese government. In fact, at that very time, we were told, another American woman adopting through our adoption agency, whose referral had also been born in Binh Thuan, was presently living in Vietnam in an attempt to legally bypass this ruling. The complicated narration became yet more complex. This adoptive mother had quit her job in the United States, had been residing for months in Vietnam apart from her husband,had paid $3000 to hire a Vietnamese lawyer, and our agency hoped that the little boy being adopted by this U.S. family would soon be allowed to come home to the States. The adoptive mother did indeed bring her new son home after having lived in Vietnam for 5 months. Supposedly, part of the money she and her husband had paid to the Vietnamese lawyer was given as a bribe to the immigration police to ensure the release of their child from Vietnam. The story was confusing, but we realized that we were now also personally experiencing the corruption of the Vietnamese government. And so it became clear to us that our daughter, like the little Vietnamese boy, was being used as a pawn in a very flawed system. The United States had been investigating reports of, so-called baby buying and problems such as those encountered by us and other families fueled the United States mistrust of the Vietnamese adoption system. The Schuster Institute for Investigative Journamlism has examined the corruption of Vietnamese adoptions beginning in the 1990s: In 1995, Vietnam was one of the top four destinations (after China, South Korea, and Russia) for Westerners who wanted to adopt. In that year, more than 1500 of Vietnams children were adopted by Westerners, 310 by Americans. In 1998, the number was 2375, with 603 of them coming to the United States. Those numbers had increased rapidly. In 1991, according to demographer Peter Selman, France adopted 65 children from Vietnam; by 1996, that number was 1,393. By the late 1990s, many reports were circulating that at least some of those babies were being bought, defrauded, coerced, or kidnapped away from their birthfamilies. In 1996, for instance, the Phnom Penh Post was reporting that some Vietnamese women were being paid to get pregnant and have children for international adoption. As a result, in 1999, France suspended adoptions from Vietnam. In 2000, Vietnamese authorities tried 21 people for being involved in buying and selling newborns for foreign adoption, selling them primarily to Belgium and France; France then resumed adoptions from Vietnam. Some of the buying and selling of babies involved the U.S., Canada, and Ireland as well..Meanwhile, the Vietnamese government was taking some actions to stem the baby trade. In April 2001, a Vietnamese newspaper alleged that Vietnamese babies were being sold to foreigners, then placed for adoption internationally, 6according to The Toronto Star, which said that American Mary Payne Nguyen was named as a participant..Other Americans reportedly had their licenses to perform humanitarian work revoked; both the U.S. and Vietnamese governments investigated the circumstances behind their adoptions. (Adoption:Vietnam. The Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism. 9 September 2010.Brandeis University.Web. 18 November 2010.) Our facilitator flew to Washington D.C. that January to try to obtain proof from our government that her business was above board and that she was not involved in the selling of babies. I spent the month of January in tears over the child for whom we had so diligently been praying since before her birth. In viewing the journal I kept for Rachel (Minh-Tuyen), I found e-mails written to me by adoptive mothers of Vietnamese children who lived in New Jersey. I did not know these women, but they received my address through mutual friends, and having experienced similar difficulties with their Vietnamese adoptions, they took the time to encourage me on this difficult journey. Friends of ours in North Carolina and friends in Iowa prayed for us and wrote to build us up. My brother, a Navy Chaplain, was stationed in Japan. He and his wife wrote to encourage me. Our Asian daughter was by this time in the hearts and prayers of people all over the world; and we, similarly, gained connections with other parents who were experiencing adoption difficulties. We prayed for each other, encouraged each other and offered our friendship. Although we missed the daughter who had not yet met her new family, we became part of a much larger family through our difficult experience. We continuously leaned on our friends in the Lord and as Paul encouraged us, strove to bear one anothers burdens. (New King James Galations 6:2) As January came to a close and our daughter had now spent her first four months of life in a foster home, we started to reconsider whether we should work with a different adoption agency. The director of our adoption agency told us that

she did not expect our daughter would be brought home. Friends of ours in Fort Collins suggested we speak with a local Vietnamese woman who personally worked as a facilitator for Vietnamese adoptions. We met with Binh and explained to her what we understood of our daughters precarious position. Binh suggested that we give up this referral. She felt it was unlikely that we would bring Minh-Tuyen home to the states. We mentioned to the director of Rachel's agency that we had a connection with a facilitator in Fort Collins who was prayerfully considering visiting Binh Thuan province; this native Vietnamese woman contemplated whether a visit from her with the Binh Thuan immigration police might promote the release of our child and of the child whose adoptive mother was living in Vietnam and working with Vietnamese lawyers. On January 22, 1999, I pulled out the application form Garth and I had months previous filled out for Adoption Alliance when we had been so frustrated at the long wait for a referral. As I was checking over the application form, I noticed the date on which I had signed it: September 17, 1998, Rachels birthday. Just 4 days later, I had received the call that she had been born. Was this a coincidence, or was God trying to tell us something? Should I start to work with this new agency? I went ahead and sent the application off with the hope that I could release the pain I felt at not being able to bring Rachel home. The new adoption agency employee who had met with us told us to expect a referral within 2 months of a completed dossier and a trip to Vietnam approximately 4 months after receiving the referral. Within the next two weeks I spoke with Rachels agency about my plans to start working with another agency. I first spoke with the international program director. I cried while I spoke, as my heart still belonged to Rachel and I felt that I was abandoning her. This director reprimanded me as a Christian for not having better control of my emotions. I then spoke with the executive director who was also accusatory and unsympathetic. I learned from other adoptive parents waiting for their children to arrive home from Vietnam that they had received similar harsh treatment and indifference from the staff at this agency. At the time, I did blame myself for not being able to turn off my emotions and for being frank with Rachels agency about the anguish I felt at not being able to bring my daughter home. However, as time has passed, it became evident that this agency would rather assign blame to the client who trusted them than take personal responsibility for their incompetence and inability to quickly bring orphans to loving families. January passed and then came February. When one is waiting for a child, each day seems an eternity of unsatisfied hope. On February 17, 1999, I got a call from the director of Rachels adoption agency. Their facilitator in Vietnam had been successfully investigated by the Immigration police in Binh Thuan, Rachels birth province. This clearance was at the provincial level only. The investigation then proceeded on to the federal level in Ho Chi Minh City where the facilitator had also been cleared. One minor detail, however, had to be attended to: Ho Chi Minh City needed to submit to Binh Thuan province a sealed letter verifying that the facilitators investigation in Saigon was over. When this was accomplished, we were told, we would be given a travel date. As I inquired when this should be expected to happen, the response made my heart sink: this last step could take anywhere from one to six months, depending on the mood of the Vietnamese federal officials. It was also explained to us that the government basically shuts down in February due to the celebration of Tet, the Vietnamese New Year. I further questioned the agency director as to Rachels demeanor. Since this director had recently been in Vietnam and had seen and held my daughter, I asked whether Rachel smiled, as she appeared so somber in all of the pictures they had sent us. She hesitated, then replied, no. She explained that none of the orphans smiles much until after they have lived a month or two with their new families. I shared this information with my brother on the day of our son, Lukes 6th birthday in an e-mail. I wrote that as each holiday, such as Christmas, or my childrens birthdays passed, I was so sad, as I had imagined Rachel celebrating these events with us. Meanwhile, I was grieving the loss of some of the dreams I had made. With 4 boys,I longed to dress a little baby girl in frilly, pink outfits. I started to give away the clothing I had bought and been given for a baby girl, as I knew my daughter would be over 6 months when she came to the States. I now tried to imagine her as a toddler coming home to us rather than as a baby. We did not yet stop working with the other adoption agency. We had finished our new dossier which required hour upon hour of work and were waiting for some birth and marriage certificates to arrive as well as an update to our home-study. Our adventure while waiting for our daughter was like a tremendous emotional rollercoaster. The waiting game became increasingly difficult, as well as the decision as to whether we should continue to wait for Minh-Tuyen or move ahead with a different agency. We had hoped to get our daughter as an infant, fearful of attachment problems and desiring to know Rachel as a baby. As each day passed, I was painfully aware that the Vietnamese officials and the adoption agency employees perceived time differently than we adoptive parents. Their concern was not with hours and days, but with weeks and months. To the Vietnamese officials , this was a political game not an issue of what was best for our child. Each day I would try to give the situation up to God and trust in his sovereignty.

I tried to stop placing my life on hold for this one event which might not have ever come to fruition. I concentrated on how blessed I was with the family I had been given and strove to seize each day and make the most of each moment. It is easy to convince ourselves, that we will be happy once a specific event occurs. When this or that happens, we will be more content. When such-and such a goal has been obtained, then life will be complete. How hard it is to live in the hereand-now and enjoy what we have at this moment. Paul struggled with this same dissatisfaction: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (New International Version Philippians 4:12-13). Our sinful nature fosters a yearning for something out of reach. Carolyn Arends, a contemporary Christian musician, composed a song, "Reaching", which I would listen to over and over again in an effort to learn contentment. The chorus echoed my inability to enjoy the present while aching to know my daughter.

We are reaching for the future We are reaching for the past And no matter what we have we reach for more We are desperate to discover What is just beyond our grasp But maybe thats what heaven is for ( Arends,Carolyn."Reaching." Reunion Recording, 1995.) These words reminded me that I had so much for which to be thankful; it seemed wrong to be existing for the future rather than living in gratitude for my present abundance. I needed to daily remind myself that God had a plan, and that His ways are better than my ways. I wanted God's will, only I wanted it yesterday, and this was a major factor in my inability to be content during the duration of the adoption. On February 26, 1999, my daughter's facilitator in Vietnam contacted the adoption agency in Colorado and shared that she believed the People's Committee in Binh Thuan Province had gotten the required adoption approval letter from Ho Chi Minh City. The director spoke with my husband to relay this message and said that our travel to Vietnam was now imminent. I would get stuck on each individual word that was shared and spent hours dissecting the word "imminent," meaning : ready to take place. Six days later, we received a registered letter from Vietnam in which I could only decipher our names and address. I took the letter to a local Vietnamese restaurant in hopes of finding a translator, but was told that no one working that day could read Vietnamese. The host took my telephone number and gave a copy of the letter to a Vietnamese woman who came in later that day. The following day, I got a call from Witt Gross who met with me the very next day, March 5, and translated the letter for me. Witt described how she took the letter and my telephone number from the wait staff and grabbed a fortune cookie on her way out of the door. She gave me the note she had found in her fortune cookie the previous day; it read: (":) You will win success in whatever you adopt. (":) She too, as a Christian, felt this was no coincidence. God kept sending little messages our way although he had not yet allowed us to pick up our daughter. Witt Gross and her friend, Hop Tran, translated the letter as follows: To: Mr. Garth Charles Nelson and Mrs. Meta Louise Nelson, We are farmers. We have a daughter, Minh Thuy Thi Nguyen. After she finished school, she stayed home to help the family. We work hard and are poor. We have many children. Our daughter was sleeping with a man before marriage and got pregnant. He was not willing to have anything to do with the child. We have agreed to give the baby away, as we can not afford to care for her. Thanh Tuyen Thi Nguyen was born 9/17/1998. Hope's Promise agreed to help us. They know that Thanh Tuyen will be accepted in your family. We wish that you will help us with all your heart and that our granddaughter will have a wonderful family. We truly believe that you will take care and raise our granddaughter with the love of parents and our grandchild will have a wonderful 2nd family. We wish to let you know that our granddaughter will have a wonderful life with you in the future and will obtain happiness and welfare. While waiting for approval for our granddaughter to be with you, we wish your family happiness and that our granddaughter will be part of your family. We are grateful for your kindness and will remember your kind deed for the rest of our lives.

The letter was signed by Ky ten. Witt kindly helped me to write a response to Rachel's grandparents. The English version of the letter read:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Nguyen, Thank you for your letter. It means very much to us to hear from you . It may be hard to understand, but we love Thanh Tuyen , although we have only seen her in pictures. We have prayed for her since before her birth, since we initially made the decision to adopt a daughter. We hope to soon be able to hold her in our arms. Garth and I will love her and treat her with the same care that we give to our 4 boys. We feel so very honored to be able to raise your granddaughter and will make every effort to be good parents to her. We would like to keep in contact with you over the years so that you will know about your grandchild's welfare and so that Thanh Tuyen (Rachel Tuyen) will some day have the opportunity to get to know you and her birth mother in person. We will try to be faithful in keeping you informed about her. Thank you for letting us be parents to your granddaughter. Sincerely, Meta and Garth Nelson * Note that Rachel's birth mother later changed her name before we adopted her from Thanh Tuyen to Minh Tuyen We also sent a copy of grandfathers letter to the adoption agency. They faxed a copy of it to the facilitator in Vietnam who claimed that the grandparents had requested money from us in their letter. When I mentioned this to Witt and Hop, they confirmed this assertion. Witt explained that she felt embarrassed that the grandfather would so shamefully ask us for money, and did not, therefore, mention it in the translation they sent us. The adoption agency furthermore stated that the letter had been written on government stationary. In other words, they sensed that the Vietnamese officials hoped we would send money, and they, in turn, would use this as evidence that our facilitator was involved in baby buying. Or, the government could have written the letter out of pure greed and promised to give a share of any money we sent to our daughters family. The adoption agency director reprimanded us once again this time for responding to the letter. She implied that we may have sabotaged any hope of getting our daughter by so doing. We were so mistrustful of the adoption agency by this period of time,that we were skeptical of much of what they told us. Why had the agency not called to discuss the letter with us 10 days earlier when we had initially scanned and e-mailed it to them? Their treatment of our case repeatedly demonstrated that they would not proactively work to bring our daughter home, were evasive and withholding of information and could not be counted on to bring results. We felt insulted by their criticisms when their passivity had not procured a positive outcome. Our hopes of travelling to Vietnam were soon dashed once again. A group of us mothers who were adopting from Vietnam through the same agency became friends and spoke with each often during our waiting period. One such adoptive mother, Lucky, had recently picked up her 3rd child from Vietnam. While in Vietnam, Lucky had spent time with a mother whose Vietnamese son was born in our daughter's birth province ;Mrs. Naff was presently in Vietnam with her son, trying by her own means to bring him home. Since the Naffs did not have other children at home, the wife had been living for 5 months in Vietnam in hopes that she could work with the officials to bring Joshua home. They had hired a Vietnamese lawyer to assist them with their difficulties in getting adoption approval. Lucky informed us that our adoption agency's facilitator had given up her duties for the Naff's son when the lawyer took over. When I spoke with Lucky, we had endured another 3 weeks with no word from the agency director nor from the facilitator. Lucky informed us that Mrs. Naff would attend the "Giving and Receiving Ceremony" ( event in which a child becomes legally yours in the eyes of the Vietnamese government) this week. The agency director had told us 3 weeks prior to expect our approval in Vietnam to occur simultaneously with this couples'.

I spoke with Mr. Naff shortly thereafter. Although his wife had attended the Giving and Receiving Ceremony in Binh Thuan Province, the officials were not cooperating with her efforts to acquire a Vietnamese passport for her son to bring him home to the U.S. The Naffs were convinced that their adoption had been approved only because the Minister of Justice in Binh Thuan Province had felt badly for them that they gone through such trouble to bring their little boy home. The Minister of Justice told them that he most likely would not approve any other adoptions through our facilitator (should we give her an assumed name?..Mary is her real name, but I don't wish to divulge that info)even though the Vietnamese government had cleared her in their investigation. According to Charlie, Mary did nothing to get in good favor with the Vietnamese officials in Binh Thuan or Saigon; she did not wine and dine the officials and did not keep in touch with them to stay in their good graces, nor did she check on the status of paperwork. Charlie had very little encouragement to give us. He shared how difficult their adoption process had been, even though his wife had been living in Vietnam ,had hired a lawyer and had personal contact with the officials. Mary on several occasions had not procured the necessary paperwork required by the Vietnamese government. The immigration police in Vietnam had set up several appointments which Mrs. Naff was required to attend; she drove hours to these appointments only to find the office closed for the day or additional political hang-ups to deal with. Garth called the director of the adoption agency to verify whether this information was indeed correct. She would not answer Garth's questions and responded with the now familiar phrases: "Could be one month, could be 6 months," and "We can't do anything to make the officials give you a travel date." We asked the agency if we could possibly hire the lawyer who had helped the Naffs bring home their son. The director was adamant that they would not allow such actions. They felt that doing so would set up a precedent for adoptions in Binh Thuan Province. The officials might come to expect a bribe from adoptive parents. Garth and I became increasingly frustrated with the agency and their lack of communication and refusal to take any action on our daughter's behalf. The agency personnel were evasive and their unbusinesslike behavior compelled us to once again contemplate a new adoption through another agency. Judy, an adoptive mother from New Jersey whom I had not met, but who regularly sent emails of encouragement to me, had experienced a situation similar to ours. She had given up a referral from Vietnam after determining that the messy situation was hopeless. Her second attempt to adopt was successful; Judy adopted a beautiful Vietnamese baby girl and named her Kaila. Yet, Judy shared that she still felt guilty that she had not hung on and waited for Tam. Her second, successful adoption experience had not been without corruption; Judy had to pay $300 to acquire a Vietnamese passport for her daughter. Shortly after Rachel had turned 6 months old, we were informed that the facilator handling Rachels adoption in Vietnam had been given her 90 day notice by the adoption agency. This facilitator was still expected to get 5 children home to the States within this time, one of which was Rachel. We were worried that this would take away her incentive to get the children home, but the agency director explained that the facilitator would receive a large payment once we travel to pick up our daughter. The ups and downs of this experience were wearing on us. I began meeting with a beautiful lady from my church who worked as a Steven Minister. Karen came to my home and listened to my woes. Her compassion and genuine concern helped to carry me through a strenuous period of waiting. Karen prayed with me and wrote letters of support. Both Karen and Judy began to encourage us to step up our alliance with the 2nd adoption agency. I had been honest with this alternate agency that I still hoped to adopt Rachel, but realistically, we believed that this was no longer possible. Yet, I experienced guilt, both for abandoning Rachel and for not fully being able to move forward with the new agency. We discussed the situation with our 4 boys. None of them felt it would be right to stop waiting for Rachel. They had already made room in their hearts for her and did not want to adopt a different sibling. I wrote this letter to Rachel on March 28, 1999: Oh, Rachel, My heart bleeds for you. What a painful experience this has been. Should we hold on and wait for you or move on? (Paula) at HP has been so unsupportive and critical. She again and again accuses me of being a loose cannon, taking any measure to get you with no regard to others. We feel, however, that we have done nothing but wait for 6 painful, long, grueling months. In the mean time, you and I are still separated by this great expanse. Will I ever meet you in person and get to hold you? I now doubt this and must either learn to hang on or let go. Please, Lord, give us your wisdom!

until little boy releasedhopes to be then allowed to bring Rachel homehow many months it took before we almost gave up.

Friends of ours in Fort Collins suggested we speak with a local Vietnamese woman who personally worked as a facilitator for Vietnamese adoptions. We met with Binh and explained to her what we understood of our daughters precarious position. Binh suggested that we give up this referral. She felt it was unlikely that we would bring Minh-Tuyen home to the states.

This Vietnamese facilitator called me soon thereafter and told me that she thought we should work through a different agency and acquire a new referral. In other words, she did not think we would be able to bring Rachel home.

Jennifer and Keri were experiencing the same heartfilled angst as I as they anxiously awaited their childrens entrance into their homes, and Cindy was a constant vessel of support and love to each one of us. We would spend hours on the phone talking with each other, asking questions about what, if any, information they had heard from Vietnam. I had one other friend who was always willing to listen and reassure me: my dear friend, Connie.

We had decided that we preferred a healthy baby, as our four boys were very active, and we wanted to continue hiking as a family and participating in sports together. our daughter was used as a pawn in a very flawed system. We were advised when she was 6 months old to give up the referral and adopt from a different country or through a different agency. Yet, we had pictures of her and had been praying for her since before her birth (Sept. 17, 98) How could we just replace her with a different child?! A few months after Minh-Tuyen, now Rachel, finally came home with me, the US closed all Vietnamese adoptions due to the extortion and impropriety employed by the Communist government in Vietnam. The Vietnamese adoptive program has since reopened. Each day during the long wait, I would write to Rachel in a journal just as you are doing. I have two huge 3 ring binders full of my entries which I saved for Rachel. When Rachel was 11 months old, we were given the go-ahead to fly to Vietnam and pick her up. The call came after I had worn myself out emotionally from trying to bring her home by use of my own control, anger, grief and prodding. After a tear-filled prayer of confession one Sunday, I told God that Rachel was His and that I would wait until He determined it was right for us to go get her. The following day, we got the call that the officials were ready for us to fly to Vietnam. However, the same corrupt immigration officials whose misconduct delayed the adoption had to once more sign paperwork before we could then get Rachel's Vietnamese passort and thereafter acquire a Visa for her. Each day for 7 days, Garth would go to the immigration office in Binh Thuan province where these officials worked. They continued to play games with us. The boss was gone, the interpreter told us. "When would he return?" "Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day." We struggled with being incompetent in a country whose language we did not speak, we were angry, frustrated and missed our 4 other children (Gabe had just turned 2) who were home in the states. Our faith in God was the only sure thing we had on which to place our hope. Each morning, I would read my devotions and the Scripture verses seemed written specifically for our situation. "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path," David wrote. So, we continued to trust in God's guidance. After we finally realized what sort of bribe was required to get the signature, Garth flew home and I was left with Rachel to travel to Saigon to get her passport. This ended up taking longer than the first step. "Come back in 8 days," I was told. After another 8 days during which my heart ached for my kids at home, I returned to the filthy office to pick up Rachel's passport. Of course, it wasn't done. "Come back tomorrow," and so the game continued. After almost a month, I flew home to my other beautiful children with Rachel in tow. God's word had given us the strength to daily accomplish what needed to be accomplished. So, after this lengthy story...it is exhausting to rely on our own strength. I can imagine that it may feel as if you are in a foreign land Your lives have been replaced with daily unknowns and fear. And as Peter, we say," To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."(Jn 6:68). And we know that God's mercy endures forever. (Psalm 136). Just as God heard the Isrealites cry out for His help in Egypt, God knows your suffering:(Exodus 3:7) "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. Jeremiah 31:3 - The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. An so, each minute, you will continue to rely on our merciful God who loves Tom and all of you with an everlasting love. You are loved by many, and we will continue to lift you up in prayer.