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LET THERE BE
FACEBOOK
Status Updates from God, Gaga, and Everyone in Between
AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY
A TOUCHSTONE BOOK
Publ hed by Simon & Sch ter New York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi
Touchstone A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 Copyright 2011 by Travis Harmon and Jonathan Shockley All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. First Touchstone trade paperback edition November 2011 TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc. For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com. The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Designed by Ruth Lee-Mui Photo credits appear on pages 14748. Manufactured in the United States of America 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
God
God Let there be light. Big Bang OK sure thing.
God This is good. Big Bang I guess, if you think the universe expanding rapidly is good, yeah, sure. God Let there be a rmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters. Big Bang Dude, the universe is just cooling, which leads to expansion. God And it is so. Big Bang Duh.
God Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which there is seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth. Big Bang Whoa! Slow up, man. We got a few billion years to go! Lets not rush this shizz.
God Let there be lights in the rmament of the heavens to separate the day from the night, and let them be signs for seasons and for days and years, and let the lights in the rmament of the heavens give light upon the earth. Big Bang Lights in the rmament of the heavens? You mean the collapsing molecular clouds that will eventually become stars? Have you ever even read a book? God Listen, Poindexter, nobody likes a know-it-all. Im trying to make something here and youre ruining it for everybody. Big Bang Im just doing my thing.
Big Bang Youre the one taking credit for someone elses work over here. God Thats blasphemy, chief. Youre cruising for a smiting.
Big Bang See, youre all Im gonna make this when its the scienti c processes that started with me that will result in the birth of humankind. God Whatever. Im the one that gets to mess with em.
God is now friends with Adam. 2 TRAVIS HARMON & JONATHAN SHOCKLEY
Adam
God Sup, big guy? Adam Just chillin Enjoying some peace . and quiet. Hey, thanks again for making me. God NP, dude. Lil worried tho, bro. You got to get out of the house. Adam A house is what now?
God A woman.
God Little action would x you right up. Adam Srsly, brah, Im tip-top. Just got made. Hanging out in the garden with all the nargs and littlenargs. God Those are trees and bushes.
Adam Are you not keeping the names I came up with? I spent a lot of time on those.
God Tonight when youre asleep Im going to make you a little friend out of your rib. Adam Uh . . . that doesnt even make sense.
Adam became friends with Eve using the Only Other Person on Earth Finder. Adam is in a relationship with Eve.
God You guys are going to have a blast. Just as long as you dont, um . . . let me pick something arbitrarily here . . . dont eat this certain fruit. Adam A fruit is what now?
Fruit-Eating Party
Adam was invited by Eve When
Will Be There Eve
The Birth of Shame Tree of Knowledge Eve, Serpent Bring your appetite! And something to cover up your lthy, lthy body.
Where Creators
Serpent
Info
Adam
Sexist Overtones
Best thing Ive ever tasted. Sweet, juicy, plus I am so aware of my naked vagina right now. Serpent Toldja!
Adam Are you having an affair with that snake? Eve GTFO. Hes totally gay.
Serpent Everybody says that. I think its because I got nice legs.
Adam Why didnt anybody tell me you could totally see my dick? Eve You mean penis?
God is attending Fruit-Eating Party. God Nice g leaves, a-holes. I can still see your junk. Adam Dang.
Eve FML.
God You cant even follow one capricious rule? If you arent going to stay stupid, then youll have to work yourselves to death and painfully crap out babies. Adam FML.
Eve Dang.
Abraham
God Hey, you busy? Abraham Sup.
Abraham WTF?
God Do it.
Abraham And I would want to kill my kid why? God Cause I said so.
Abraham OK, my sons all tied up to the rewood. Gonna stab him and then set him on re. Wish me luck!! Angel Hold up, dude, Gods totally messing with you.
God LOL
Abraham Sorry.
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