All

Around Nice Guys Sometimes Sexually Abuse Children

by Jane Gilgun

Summary By all accounts, Jerry Sandusky, defensive mastermind of the Penn State football team, was an all around nice guy. In this article, two men who also were all around nice guys talk about their sexual abuse of children. Their stories could shed some light on what went on for Sandusky when he sexually abused boys. Paragons of the community can and do sexually abuse children. About the Author Jane F. Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. She does research on the meanings of violence to perpetrators, the development of violent behavior, and how persons overcome adversities. See Professor Gilguns other articles, books, and childrens stories on scribd.com, Amazon Kindle, and iBooks for iPad.

All Around Nice Guys Sometimes Sexually Abuse Children

ust an all-around nice guy, a bit shy around girls, but the best. His parents were pillars of the community, running the neighborhood center, working in blue collar jobs during the day, and selling ice cream at night. They were proud of their only child, Jerry, a really nice guy. Jerry is the former Penn State defensive linebacker coach indicted a few weeks ago for the sexual abuse of boys--40 counts so far and the list grows. Three top Penn State men administrators and legendary coach Joe Paterno have lost their jobs over their roles in the abuse. Of hometown Jerry, a man who grew up with him said I grew up playing ball with Jerry, a nice guy, a really good guy. When I see this on the news, its just unbelievable. You know, hes an absolute look-alike for his dad. Its hard to imagine anyone from that family being a pervert. Its also hard to doubt all weve been hearing. Old Art [Jerrys father] is rolling over in his grave. By all accounts, Jerry Sandusky came from a loving family who provided him with an ideal hometown in which to grow up. He seems to have had everything any child requires to grow into a loving, giving, and non-abusing man. What happened that he apparently is a sexual abuser of boys? In all respects except for the fatal flaw of sexually abusing boys, Jerry Sandusky appears to be a terrific guy. Much Depends Upon Responses Much depends upon responses to the bitter, poisonous lemons of Sanduskys apparent sexual abuse of boys. One good thing has already been part of the response: law enforcement and Penn State trustees have held powerful men responsible for their failure to protect boys from Sandusky. Why they did not report to the police is unknown. They apparently did not realize or did not want to realize that sexual abuse harms children. They apparently did realize that they wanted to protect the reputation of Penn State. A second good thing may also come out of this: the realization that respectable and even apparently outstanding members of society sometimes sexually abuse children. Both of these things have been highly resistant to change. The myths and ignorance about child sexual abuse have protected perpetrators and allowed them to carry on. This is the case for Jerry Sandusky and the people who KNEW he was victimizing boys sexually. This is the case for churches, too, most notably the Roman Catholic Church.

 Two Stories Men like Jerry Sandusky sexually abuse thousands of children a day. The, too, are nice looking, educated, contributing members of society, family men, philanthropic, and friends with many people. What happens that people like this sexually abuse children? Sandusky has not been public about his sexual abuse of boys. I have done research with perpetrators of child sexual abuse. The stories these men have told me may shed light on Sanduskys behaviors. Many of the men had lives similar to Jerrys: well-respected men who sexually abused children. Here are the stories that two men told me. The first is from Mark. The second if from Patrick. Mark Mark, 50, grew up in a loving family, similar to Jerrys. He had no obvious risk factors for sexually abusing children. He was nice-looking, active in his church, college-educated, good job, married and the father of three sons. This is how he described his sexual behaviors with boys. When I was in kindergarten and also age seven or eight, I was abused by several people that were either family or people I knew. I began acting out in sexual ways right then. I mean it wasnt something I waited until a teenager to do. I asked Mark if his sexual behaviors were consensual. He said I wouldnt say it was consensual for a nine year old to do fellatio [oral sex] on a five year old. I wouldnt say that was consensual. I asked if this was the same thing others had done to him. He said, Uhuh. Right. Mike continued. I think there was more guilt about deceit than there was about the acts. My parents had always thought of me as the perfect child. I certainly wasnt. I was deceiving myself and pretending that this didnt really matter. Maybe I thought it didnt matter. Im not sure. In high school it was more masturbation to pictures than it was offenses. But I was still very much involved with that, that desire. I asked him why he didnt tell his parents about being sexual with other kids. He said Those kinds of things we just didnt talk about. My relationship with my, my dad was minimal, although, you know, I knew Dad loved me and cared about me but I didnt have much contact with him. I had all the contact with my mother. I think I, I think I was afraid of hurting them. I was afraid of hurting them. .

I asked him why he didnt tell his parents about being sexually abused when he was a little child. He said I think I was afraid, afraid that, afraid that. you know, of talking about something like that. You know I had no idea what, what it was. It was just a whole area of my life that I had no clue about except that it was attractive and it was pleasurable I did a number of areas of sex play with peers and younger kids. It was part of growing up for me. I asked him whether he was concerned that his parents would not approve. He said that his parents did not shame him when they found he had been sexual with other children. I do remember when I was in I believe in seventh grade several of us neighborhood kids were in a small shed exposing ourselves and being naked and that kind of thing. My sister went over to my mom and told her what was going on. She came and discovered what was happening. I do have to give her and dad credit. They did not shame me. I know that there are, there were other things that I did do that they did shame me for, but this was something that they didnt shame me about. I knew that it wasnt right. I think even previous to that I knew it wasnt right. It just was something I enjoyed doing it and discovered other kids did, too. Analysis of Marks Story Being sexually abused sexualized Mark. He immediately began to act in sexual ways, which is a sign of sexualization. The younger children are when they are sexually abused, the more likely they are to be sexualized. Mark also experienced the sexual abuse as highly pleasurable. This he remembers clearly. He may also have experienced trauma, which he appears not to remember. The combination of trauma and pleasure is impossible for children to work through without the help of adults. Mark did not tell his parents out of fear and shame. Had he told his parents, he might have learned to cope with the effects of the sexual abuse. He therefore would not have sexually abused boys for the rest of his life. Instead, his sexualized behaviors continued. He abused many boys, boys he knew from his church work and whom he said he cared about. Mark might have told his parents about the sexual abuse he experienced immediately if his parents had provided him with a quality sex education. Had there been openness about sexuality from Marks earliest years, he would have known that other people do not have the right to touch him on his sexual body parts and to use him for their own sexual and emotional gratification. He probably was hurt and indignant when others used him this way. If he had had a quality sex education, his hurt and indignation would have propelled him to tell his parents right away. Marks fear of disapproval kept him from telling his parents.

In summary, Mark had two risks factors that few people knew about. He was sexually abused before the age of five, and he was unable to tell his parents about the abuse. A quality sex education may not have prevented the sexual abuse, but it would have led Mark to tell his parents. Presumably, they would have done right by Mark and provided a safe haven where he could process the meanings of the sexual abuse. With the trauma of sexual abuse managed, Mark would not have sexually abused boys for the rest of his life. Patrick Patrick, 35, had a different story. Yet, he, too, had no obvious risk factors. He was educated, articulate, handsome, even charismatic, married to a professional working woman, and the father of three children. This is how he described himself and his sexual abuse of his pubescent daughter and her girlfriends. On the surface, I was just Joe Wonder Dad. Id have neighbor kids come over in the morning because their parents would be leaving. I would, Yeah, sure, come on over. Wed all hop in the minivan and Id take all kinds of kids. Everybody at the schools knew me on a first name basis. I volunteered for the, national night out block parties. Very instrumental in the church and all that. Everybody thought I was great and wonderful, but was like, yeah, but if you knew, the real me. Because I thought that these behaviors over here, I thought that was the real me. [sexual abuse] This other stuff over here that I was doing was just a front [Wonder Dad]. I asked Patrick what the real behaviors were. He said The use of pornography, masturbation to deviant, fantasies, voyeuring, touching my daughter, getting sexual good feelings from hugging my daughter or her girlfriends, stuff like that. The sexual abuse of his daughter developed gradually. He said I remember how it first started was, and this was over the course of several years, but it first started where, my ex-wife had a, a cousin who was about eleven, twelve years old at the time. I found her very sexually attractive. There would be like a family gathering at their house. I would steal a pair of her panties from her clothes hamper. I would take those home, and I would masturbate with those. That kind of really got the ball rolling. My oldest daughter, she started into puberty and started having sleepovers with girlfriends. I was more comfortable sexualizing her girlfriend and was not comfortable sexualizing her. That was still the taboo, that was still, was a line that I wouldnt cross, but her girlfriends or any other girls her age, that was fair game. I remember there was one time where I was voyeuring on my daughter and her girlfriends as they were, theyd taken showers and were in changing clothes. They

were all naked. I remember seeing her but looking away. Seeing my daughter but looking away, looking at her girlfriends. I don't know, maybe a few weeks later, another of her girlfriends had spent the night. I was digging through her overnight bag, what I thought was the girls overnight bag. It was actually my daughters overnight bag. I had taken her panties out and I had masturbated with those. It wasnt until after that I realized that that was my daughters. I was kind of freaked out by it, but I still got the rush from it. That made it easier for me to cross that line. So the next time I voyeured I did look at her. It was no longer taboo. Then what happened that I actually crossed that line to, you know, there would be things like (big sigh) she would, she would sit on my lap or we would hug or, you know, we would be swimming and playing tag games and stuff like that. I would, you know, accidentally touch her and stuff like that. Where it actually became more intense was, there was one night that I was making my regular rounds through the house of making sure the kids were all tucked in and doors were locked and the cat was in and stuff. Id gone down to my daughters room and it was very dark. I leaned over to give her a kiss goodnight and when I went to brace myself on her bed I actually touched her breast. I kissed her on her forehead. It was just like a shot of electricity through my body. I went upstairs and went to bed and tried to forget about it, but it was just like, it was just racing in my head. I didnt go back down in her room for several days after that, but eventually I did go back down in there. The same thing, kissed her on the forehead, but this time when I touched her breast it was intentional. Progressively, it got to the point where I would go down there and I would touch her breasts over and under her clothes. Over and under her pajamas while she slept, or I believe she slept with one hand and I would masturbate with the other. There was a couple times where she woke up where I was in the room. I was just beginning to touch her and she woke up and she said, What are you doing here? Im just like, Im just tucking you in. Its okay, baby, just go back to sleep. Then I would leave. Id also done the same thing to a couple of her girlfriends when they had spent the night while they were asleep. Analysis of Patricks Story From outward appearances, Patrick was a wonderful person. Yet, he sexually abused his daughter and her girlfriends. He knew that doing so was taboo, but he sought the intensity of sexual pleasure anyway. At those moments, nothing else mattered. His sexual and emotional gratification meant so much to him that he risked his job, his freedom, his family, and his standing in the community. He lost them all. His wife divorced him, he lost his job because he spent two years in prison, and he is ashamed to see anyone who knew him before the abuse came out.

Patrick developed a strong desire to be sexual with pubescent girls. A quality, life-long sex education may have helped Patrick to realize that he had choices. He may have felt free enough to seek professional help when he began to think about sex with girls and to masturbate to pornography that depicted young girls. Patricks story also shows once again that apparent paragons of virtue sexually abuse children. Conclusion The widespread publicity about the sex abuse scandal at Penn State and in the Roman Catholic Church could lead to better understanding of child sexual abuse. Paragons of apparent virtue sometimes do sexually abuse children. People who protect apparent paragons of virtue contribute to the sexual abuse of children. A quality sex education across the life span will go a long way toward helping children, young people, and adults to talk to trusted others about their sexual thoughts and actions, including sexual actions imposed on them. Thats whats needed: 1) deep understanding that apparently nice men and women sexually abuse children; 2) quality, life-long sex education that leads to safety in talking about sexual thoughts and behaviors, including actions that hurt children. References Bearak, Barry (2011). Residents of his hometown weigh the charges against their memories. The New York Times, November 16, B1, B 16. Hindman, Jan (2000). A very touching book for big people and little people. La Grande, OR: Alexandria. Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Child sexual abuse: From harsh realities to hope. http://www.scribd.com/doc/16484981/Child-Sexual-Abuse-From-Harsh-Realities-to-Hope Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Protecting children from child sexual abuse. http://www.scribd.com/doc/27001508/Protecting-Children-from-Child-Sexual-Abuse Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). Remove offending priests immediately: What was the bishop thinking?http://www.scribd.com/doc/62719870/Remove-Offending-Priests-Immediately-WhatWas-the-Bishop-Thinking Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). What child sexual abuse means to abusers. http://www.scribd.com/doc/26614189/What-Child-Sexual-Abuse-Means-to-Abusers Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). What sexual abuse means to child survivors. http://www.scribd.com/doc/16422436/What-Child-Sexual-Abuse-Means-to-Child-Survivors

Gilgun, Jane F. (1984). Does the mother always know? Alternatives to blaming mothers for child sexual abuse. http://www.scribd.com/doc/45003866/Does-the-Mother-Always-KnowAlternatives-to-Blaming-Mothers-for-Child-Sexual-Abuse Sulzberger, A.G., & Laurie Goodstein (2011). Bishop indicted; Charge is failing to report abuse. The New York Times, October 14. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/15/us/kansas-city-bishopindicted-in-reporting-of-abuse-by-priest.html?_r=1 Viera, Mark (2011). A sex abuse scandal rattles Penn States football program. The New York Times, Sunday, November 6, A1, sports page 5.