APT By David Vass

My friends

EXT. POOL - DAY Close up of pool. A trud slowly floats on screen. REGGIE(V.O.) Why the fuck are we out here man? Where the fuck are we anyway DEVIN(V.O.) Calm down nigga. Why you so antsie? You been diggin into our supply again? REGGIE(V.O.) No way man. You know I havent touched that shit since I started at the Zen Garden. DEVIN(V.O.) You fucking pussy. REGGIE(V.O.) What? whats wrong with the Zen Garden? DEVIN(V.O.) You sit around in a bed a flowers and talk about your feelings. REGGIE(V.O.) Yeah, and whats wrong with that? DEVIN(V.O.) Pussy, man. REGGIE(V.O.) We do a lot more than just work the garden dog. DEVIN(V.O.) Like talk about your pussies? REGGIE(V.O.) No. Thanks to them I quit that bad habit. DEVIN(V.O.) I wish theyd teach you how to quit being a pussy. REGGIE(V.O.) Man, fuck you man.

(CONTINUED)

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2.

DEVIN(V.O.) Shut the fuck up nigga. INT. TAXI - DAY Devin and Reggie, two badass gangsters, are sitting in the back seat of a Taxi Cab. Both Look very mad. Devin is a 6 foot 5 black man, 300 pounds, all muscle. Reggie is a 5 foot 6 Mexican, 300 pounds, some muscle. Reggie is holding a briefcase. The TAXI DRIVER looks about 70 years old, skinny as a rail, balding, dirty, and is chewing tobacco, drooling. DEVIN Yo driver man! you know where the fuck we are? I fucking swear if your stinky ass doesnt get us to the apartments soon TAXI DRIVER Huh? oh sorry, I didnt hear you. My ears dont pick up on loud fucks like you. REGGIE Like who dude? Like you? You fucking dildo... DEVIN (to Reggie) Man shut the fuck up. He wasnt talking to you. REGGIE What the fuck man? Im just trying to help. DEVIN You aint my fucking mama. TAXI DRIVER Both of you fagots shut the fuck up Im trying to drive. REGGIE Nigga what you call me?! DEVIN Shut the fuck up Reggie. Whatd you say to me bitch? Devin slaps the Taxi Drivers head a few times.

(CONTINUED)

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3.

DEVIN You the fag, fag. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. REGGIE Yeah! Get him! The Taxi Driver whips around to face Devin. TAXI DRIVER Stop it you ignorant fuck Im driving! The Taxi Driver drops his wad of tobacco on Devins shoe and spits all over him. Devin pulls out a gun. DEVIN You father fucking... Devin and shoots the Taxi Driver. The Driver lays on the horn and the gas at the same time. Devin and Reggie stay in the car until they crashes into a line of parked cars. Both calmly get out and dust themselves off. REGGIE Really dude? What that really necessary? DEVIN Shit the fuck up nigga. Devin reaches in his pocket and throws a fist full of change at the dead Taxi Driver. They walk off camera EXT. STREET - DAY Devin and Reggie stand in front of the apartment complex. REGGIE What a fucking dump. Whats this globetrotters name again? DEVIN Ichi. Photo Montage Ichi is in a rock band on a large stage. Ichi is racing Speed bikes Ichi is in a hot tub with many other women. (CONTINUED)

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4.

Ichi is sky diving (etc.) INT. ICHIS APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is filled with people on every space of the floor, and on every chair and bed. ICHI, a 30 year old Asian male, very skinny, but average looking, is laying on his own bed, arms, and belly covered in needles. A loud knocking is heard. Ichi stumbles out of bed and shuffles to the door. He stands in front of the door for just a moment. ICHIS FRIEND comes behind him holding a full syringe, and offers it to Ichi. Ichi waves him off calmly, and opens the door. THE LANDLADY, Ichis mother, a short, 65 year old Japanese woman is standing in the hallway, yelling at the top of her lungs in Japanese. Ichi is calm and unflinching. LANDLADY Where is my rent You good for nothing? You think youre some rock star still dont you!? Worthless son hasnt got shit for his mother. I provide you with everything you tasteless brat! Who are these people? This isnt some opium den you worthless shit. Wheres my money? Who do you think you are you worthless little shit? Wheres all your rock star money huh badass? Fucking cheap ass more like. Worthless fuck. You fuck up! worthless fuck up! Worthless shit. Wheres my fucking money. Six months late you shit dog. Worthless shit dog fuck farmer son! INT. EUGENS APARTMENT - DAY The Landlady is heard incoherently through the walls. EUGENE lays on his heavily stained bed, and is woken up by the land ladys shouting. Eugene a is very average looking white male. He wears one glove that is filled with Vaseline. Eugene is irritated at the shouting.

5.

Eugene suddenly perks up at the sound of sexual moaning. Eugene gets up from bed, places a glass up to the wall and presses his ear to the glass. He listens. Moaning, is heard. Eugene is aroused. He drops his pants and begins to masturbate. INT. MANDOLINS APARTMENT - DAY MANDOLIN is a whore. She is on top of a customer. She looks bored, but the sounds shes making tells us she is enjoying herself. She picks up a remote, turns on a TV thats behind her. She watches it from a mirror on the wall in front of her. INT. STAIRWELL - DAY JASON, a short, morbidly obese man with a receding hairline and coke-bottle glasses slowly walks up a flight of stairs. INT JASONS APARTMENT - DAY Jason comes into his apartment and sits down to his computer. JASON Im home! wheres my baby? There she is! Jason calls for his cat. Calo-kitty hops onto his lap, purring. Jason pets his cat. JASON hey there Calo-Kitty. how was your day?. Aww! You were alone all day werent you? Aww daddy loves you. Yes he does. Yes he does. Mommy didnt love us. No she didnt. She loved that nasty, dirty, younger man. She loved him more than your daddy. But Im not bitter at her. No, shes no different than the landlady or the Janitor or the Mailman or any of them. They cant help it that theyre trash. But you love me, dont you Calo-kitty? Poor thing, so young, and youve already lost your mother. Its a shame. But Ive got you. You hungry? you want some milk kitty? Let me get you some. (CONTINUED)

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6.

Jason breastfeeds Calo-Kitty. JASON Yes thats it baby. Oh youre hungry arent you? Thats it girl! Oh my goodness. You know, you remind me of your mother. Ow! Calo-Kitty bites Jason and runs off. JASON hey! You ungrateful little... dont you love me? Jason sits alone in his dark room. He begins to cry quietly to himself. INT. ICHIS APARTMENT - DAY Devin, Reggie, and Ichi are sitting around a small table in the middle of the room. There are four giant lines of coke on the table. Ichi snorts them with ease. Devin and Reggie watch in amazement. Ichi finishes and nodes quietly. DEVIN Well alright then! I think weve found our new favorite customer. Too bad we live across town. REGGIE Hell yeah nigga! yous one rocking ass mother fucker. Got all that rock star money dont ya?... DEVIN Shut the fuck up nigga. Calo-Kitty hops onto the window outside. DEVIN Well hey there. You want some cat-nip? Devin takes a small pile of coke over to Calo-kitty and feeds it to her. DEVIN So, whos the landlord here?

7.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY Eugene walks out of his apartment just as Mandolin walks out of her own apartment down the hall. Eugene freezes. Mandolin walks down the hall toward. Eugene tries to speak, but all he can do is stammer and shake. He becomes erect. Mandolin just walks on by. Eugen watches her go down the stairs then followers her. INT. MCDONALD - DAY Eugene stands in line. Mandolin orders food at the counter and is about four people ahead of Eugene. She takes her time ordering in an incredibly sexy way without realizing it or caring. MANDOLIN Ahh. Umm. Uhh. Lets see. I want... A WOMAN behind Mandolin leaves the line with a discuted look on her face. Mandolin continues ordering. MANDOLIN I want... mmm. Ill try the... Eugene examines his gloved hand, shakes his head, and slips in his un-gloved hand into his pants and begins to masturbate. After a short while the MAN in front of Eugene explodes. MAN You sick fuck! The man scares Eugene. Everyone but mandolin notices. Eugene runs out the door. MANDOLIN Let me get a... EXT. STREET - DAY Eugene heads for the aprartment complex door. Jason stops him, completely out of breath. JASON Have you see my cat? Gray, White stripes, friendly, courteous, can tell if youre in a bad mood or (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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8.

JASON (contd) not, good listener, always a smile on its face. Eugene just stands there. JASON Well if you see her, tell her that her daddy has been worried sick about her. I think those gangsters might have hurt her. Id lock my door if I were you. Theyd probablay steal your whole apartment if they had the chance. Jason walks off, calling for his cat. JASON Here kitty! Come back to daddy! Eugene goes into the apatrment building INT. HALLWAY - DAY The Landlady talks with Ichi in front of his room. Ichis face is covered in coke. Hes very complacent. LANDLADY You know, I always though blacks were big trouble, and I was surprised to see that Mexican fellow didnt smell like a pallet of grass, but who can complain about paying tenets, unlike you, you stupid worthless dog. Why did I ever have to get drunk that night. I always carried condoms with me when I worked back in Kyoto, but no, I just had to bare back it, didnt I? oh god, his dick was so thick. He filled me up with gallons and gallons of semen. Stupid semen obviously. If you were the strong one, imagine what other malformed off spring wed have had. Well, thats what you get for sleeping with your brother: fuck up off spring. The only thing more fucked up than you is your penis. It looks like a chewed up piece of food! I bet that whore down the way wouldnt even touch it. Dont worry (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: LANDLADY (contd) though baby, mommy thinks its OK. It sure as hell cant replace the rent though. Thank god those two showed up.

9.

The landlady points to Devin and Reggie, who stand in front of the stairs next to Ichis room. LANDLADY I was thinking I was going to have to start working again, and Im to old. I couldnt handle another on like your uncle. He was so damn thick and unlike you, he smiled once in a wile. The land lady smiles at Ichi. She puts her pinky finger out and wiggles it in his face, making cute baby noises. Eugene comes up the stairs and pokes his head between Devin and Reggie. Everyone looks at Eugene. REGGIE hey, whats up little man? DEVIN Shut the fuck up nigga. LANDLADY (in English) Youre out queer. These guys just bought your room. Get out of my fucking stairwell you worm. DEVIN Oh this is Eugene? Thanks for the digs little man. Mandolin passes Eugene and everyone else and walks toward her room. Reggie lets out a cat call. REGGIE hey chika! Be sure to come see us later! We gonna get busy! DEVIN Shut up nigga. hey bitch! We goning to see dat ass over here later? Woo! Devin and Reggie follow mandolin down the hall. The landlady walks up to Eugene.

(CONTINUED)

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10.

LANDLADY Get out! She walks down the stairs. Ichi looks at Eugene for a moment, shrugs, and walks back inside his apartment. Eugene goes down stairs. INT. LOBBY - DAY Eugene comes down the stairs to find Jason lamenting over a lifeless Calo-Kitty. A JANITOR comes, pucks up the cat, puts it in a bag and walks off. Jason reaches and fights for his cat back. JASON No! You ape! let go of my baby! No! please, dont take my baby away from me Jason gets up and follows the Janitor. JASON Come back here you mindless drone! Give me back my baby! EXT. POOL - DAY We see the same turd floating in the pool. EXT. POOL SIDE - LATE AFTER NOON Eugene zips up his pants. He looks across the pool to Jason whos crying over a small grave and is lactating. Eugene turns up to his old room. Loud laughter and hip-hop music is heard. Eugene walks past Jason and around a corner with determination. EXT. ROOF - SUNSET Eugene climbs up a ladder on the side of the building. He looks around for a moment and finds an air duct and enters.

11.

INT. AIR DUCT - EVENING Eugene begins to crawl in the labyrinth of air ducts. He suddenly stops. Mandolins moans are heard. Eugens eyes light up. Eugene pulls up to a vent and seen Mandolin, bucking and moving in a very sexual manner. Eugene takes his glove off. he examines his Vaseline covered hand. EUGENE Its time. Eugene puts his Vaseline hand into his pants. He is shocked at how good it feels. The sound from the room below stops. Eugene freezes REGGIE(V.O.) Yo, yall hear that? DEVIN Shut the fuck up! REGGIE No really Devin. It sounds like some animal is in the air vent.. DEVIN Chill nigga. Youre breaking my concentration. The previous sexual sounds continue. Eugene continues as well. Eugene is making a rhythmic banging sound on the side of the air vent. Montage Ichis room Ichi is sitting at his table and has a pile of coke with him. He looks up to the vent on the ceiling, puzzled by the rhythmic banging he hears. Jasons room Jason is frantically looking at his ceiling, face and shirt covered in tears. The sound is now louder, faster, and is accompanied by male grunting

(CONTINUED)

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12.

JASON Clio-kitty? Calo-kitty! Youre scaring daddy! Landladys room The landlady is taking a extravagant bubble bath, counting money. She looks to the air vent on her ceiling, puzzled by the sounds, also. Lobby The janitor is mopping the floor. Hes searching the lobby for the source of the sound. Air duct Eugene suddenly twists, and yells. The air duct falls through the ceiling. INT. EUGENS APARTMENT - NIGHT Eugene falls through the ceiling. At the same time he lands in a giant, unwrapped pile of coke, he ejaculates, covering Devins upper half and getting a little on his shoes. We see Reggie on all fours. Mandolin has a strap-on and is giving it to Reggie from behind, and Devin is in front of Reggie. Devin looks at his shoes. He pulls out a gun and points it at Eugene. DEVIN Boy, that had better be Vaseline. CUT TO BLACK