Vous êtes sur la page 1sur 72




Submitted In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements For the Award of Degree of Bachelor of Management Studies


Certificate Declaration Acknowledgement Executive Summary Introduction Anger: What Is It & Why? Hidden Anger How Angry Are You? Anger: Be Angry Not Mad! The Four Faces Of Anger Consequences Of Anger Understanding Anger Understanding Anger: Theories & Facts 1

2 3 4 7 9 12 15 16 17 19 20 21 23

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22.

Anger & Relationships Anger Generating Fantasies The Faults Of Anger Anger Management Dealing With Anger Identifying Anger Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay Four Proven Techniques For Managing Anger Controlling Anger Anger Management Programs Anger Management In Sobriety Tame Temper Tantrums Is Hostility Harming Your Heart?

29 31 33 34 36 42 44 49 51 52 55 58 59


23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30.

Some More Anger Management Tips Do You Need Counseling? Objective Of Anger Test Anger Test Importance Of Anger Management A Factual Story Conclusion Bibliography

60 62 63 64 72 73 75 76






Anger is feeling mad in response to frustration or injury. You don't like what has happened and usually you'd like to get revenge. Anger is an emotional-physiologicalcognitive internal state; it is separate from the behavior it might prompt. In some instances, angry emotions are beneficial; if we are being taken advantage of, anger motivates us to take action (not necessarily aggressive) to correct the situation. Aggression is action, i.e. attacking someone or a group. It is intended to harm someone. It can be a verbal attack--insults, threats, sarcasm, or attributing nasty motives to them--or a physical punishment or restriction. What about thoughts and fantasies in which we humiliate or brutally assault our enemies? Is that aggression? What about violent dreams? Such thoughts and dreams suggest anger, of course, but are not aggression as I have defined it here. Anger can be distinguished from hostility which is a chronic state of anger. Anger is a temporary response, which we all have, to a particular frustrating situation; hostility is a permanent personality characteristic which certain people have.

It is through our anger and hatred that we transform people into enemies. We generally assume that anger arises when we encounter a disagreeable person, but actually it is the anger already within us that transforms the person we meet into our imagined foe. Someone controlled by their anger lives within a paranoid view of the world, surrounded by enemies of his or her own creation. The false belief that 3

everyone hates him can become so overwhelming that he might even go insane, the victim of his own delusion.

Anger Management is very important in the field of business; professionals need to have a control on their anger. Especially marketers, they need to have control on their anger. Marketing employees are the face of business organization to the customers. If they are not patient and lose their temper in front of customers for any reason, it gives a negative impact about the company in customers mind. So it is necessary that they manage and control their anger, and if a person with short temper is looking for a career in marketing field, then he should consider an anger management course.

This project has an overview about what is anger, its different aspects, facts, what can it lead to, its reasons, effects, about anger management and need, usefulness and importance of the same. The project aims at enlightening the reader with the various facets, reasons and effects of anger and focus on the need of anger management with its practical use and case study.


How we deal with stress, disappointments, and frustration determines the essence of our personality. In this project we consider frustration and aggression. Anger may do more harm than any other emotion. First of all it is very common and, secondly, it upsets at least two people--the aggressor and the aggressed against. There are two problems: how to prevent or control your own anger and how to handle someone aggressing against you. This project attends more to self-control. The overall effects of anger are enormous .Frustration tells us "I'm not getting what I want" and eventually anger is related to violence, crime, spouse and child abuse, divorce, stormy relationships, poor working conditions, poor physical health (headaches, hypertension, GI disturbances, heart attacks), emotional disorders, and so on. Just how widespread is hostility? Very! Psychology Today asked, "If you could secretly push a button and thereby eliminate any person with no repercussions to yourself, would you press that button?" 69% of responding males said yes, 56% of women. Men would most often kill the U. S. president or some public figure; women would kill bosses, exhusbands or ex-boyfriends and former partners of current lovers. Great atrocities are attributed to crazed men--Hitler, Stalin, terrorists, etc. But, several psychological studies cited in this suggest that ordinary people can rather easily become evil enough to discriminate against, hurt, 5

and brutalize others. Likewise, It isn't just the prejudiced and deranged that brutalize. There is scary evidence that almost all of us might, under the right conditions, develop a tolerance or a rationalization for injustice. Even the most moral among us may look the other way.

We strongly resist thinking of ourselves as potentially mean, but we have no trouble believing that others are immoral. Boys and men are much more likely to carry a weapon than a female, but don't assume that only men act violently. Recent studies suggest that college (not high school) women are more likely than men to kick, push, bite, and slap in anger, especially when they are jealous. Hostile, aggressive young people tend to come from broken, angry, violent homes. We will study more about how anger develops. Is it innate? Anger can be the result of hurt pride, of unreasonable expectations, or of repeated hostile fantasies. Besides getting our way, we may unconsciously use anger to blame others for our own shortcomings, to justify oppressing others, to boost our own sagging egos, to conceal other feelings, and to handle other emotions (as when we become aggressive when we are afraid). Any situation that frustrates us, especially when we think someone else is to blame for our loss, is a potential trigger for anger and aggression. So, what is frustration? It is the feeling we get when we don't get what we want, when something interferes with our gaining a desired and expected goal. It can be physical (a flat tire), our own limitations (paralysis after an accident), our choices (an unprepared for and flunked exam), others' actions (parental restrictions or torturing a political prisoner), others' motives (deception for a self-serving purpose), or society's injustice (born into poverty and finding no way out).

Anger is feeling mad in response to frustration or injury. You don't like what has happened and usually you'd like to get revenge. Anger is an emotional-physiological-cognitive internal state; it is separate from the behavior it might prompt. In some instances, angry emotions are beneficial; if we are being taken advantage of, anger motivates us to take action (not necessarily aggressive) to correct the situation. Aggression is action, i.e. attacking someone or a group. It is intended to harm someone. It can be a verbal attack--insults, threats, sarcasm, or attributing nasty motives to them--or a physical punishment or restriction. What about thoughts and fantasies in which we humiliate or brutally assault our enemies? Is that aggression? What about violent dreams? Such thoughts and dreams suggest anger, of course, but are not aggression as I have defined it here. Anger can be distinguished from hostility which is a chronic state of anger. Anger is a temporary response, which we all have, to a particular frustrating situation; hostility is a permanent personality characteristic which certain people have. Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in our society. From time to time, all of us experience this powerful feeling. Anger can be our friend or enemy; it depends on the way in which we choose to express it. Knowing how to recognize and express it appropriately can help us to reach our goals, solve problems, handle emergencies, and protect our health. A failure to recognize and understand one's anger can lead to a variety of personal difficulties.

Anger: What Is It and Why?

Anger is one of the most misunderstood and overused of human emotions. 1. Anger is a reaction to an inner emotion and not a planned action. 2. Anger is easier to show: everyone gets angry. 3. The feelings underlying the anger reaction make us feel vulnerable and weak; anger makes us feel, at least momentarily, strong and in control. 4. Angry behaviors are learned over the life-span and therefore can be unlearned and replaced with healthier patterns of coping. 5. Anger can be an immediate reaction to an isolated event or it can be a response after numerous events. 6. To repress anger is unhealthy and yet to express it impulsively, as we so often do, may give momentary relief but inevitably will carry negative consequences. To alter our angry responses, we need to understand from where it comes.

There are a variety of factors that increase the probability of an anger reaction. 1. If we have seen our parents get angry first and resolve an issue after, we are more likely to use the same approach. Thus, types of anger are learned. 2. If we are frustrated and feel stressed, we are more likely to react with anger. 3. If we are tired, we are more prone to react in an angry fashion. 4. If we tend to hold our feelings inside rather than talk them out, we are more likely to have an angry outburst as the pressure increase much like a pressure cooker.

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problemsproblems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This project is meant to help you understand and control anger.

What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings. Expressing Anger The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertivenot aggressivemanner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inwardon yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships. Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someoneor somethingis going to get hurt."



Anger is frequently a concealed or disguised emotion. And why not? Getting mad is scary... and potentially dangerous. One common way of expressing suppressed anger has been given a special name: passive-aggressiveness. For example, such a person may be "tired," unresponsive, act like he/she "doesn't understand," be late frequently, exaggerate others' faults, pretend to agree ("sure, whatever"), be tearful, be argumentative, be forgetful, deny anger ("nothing's wrong"),etc. There is another related form of concealed anger: feeling like a victim. Feeling victimized assumes that someone or some situation has mistreated you. But a person who specializes in constantly feeling like a victim may not identify or accuse his/her abuser. Instead, he/she generally feels that the world is against him/her, that others vaguely intend to make him/her miserable. Victims usually feel helpless; therefore, they take little responsibility for what has happened to them. They think they were terribly mistreated in the past but they now seem unable to accept love and support, e.g. if you offer them help, they never get enough or if you try to cheer them up, it seldom works. A victim is much more likely to sulk, pout, look unhappy, or lay a guilt trip on something than to get angry. They play games: "Why does it always happen to me?" or "Yes, but" (no one's ideas or suggestions will do any good). The self-pitying, pessimistic, sad, jealous victim is surely sitting on a mass of hostility.


How angry are you?

There are so many frustrations in our daily lives, one could easily become chronically irritated. Perhaps more important than the variety of things that anger us, is (1) the intensity of our anger and (2) the degree of control we have over our anger. That is, how close are we to losing control? How much of a temper do you have? Ask yourself these kind of questions:

Do you have a quick or a hot temper? Do you suppress or hide your anger Do you get irritated when someone gets in your way? fails to give you

(passive-aggressive or victim)?

credit for your work? criticizes your looks or opinions or work? gives themselves advantages over you?

Do you get angry at yourself when you make a foolish mistake? do poorly

in front of others? put off important things? do something against your morals or better judgment?

Do you drink alcohol or use drugs? Do you get angry or mellow when you

are high? Research clearly shows that alcohol and drugs are linked with aggression. Drinking decreases our judgment and increases our impulsiveness, so watch out. You probably have a pretty accurate picture of your temper. But check your opinion against the opinion of you held by relatives and friends. There also are several tests that measure anger.


Anger: Be angry, not mad!

Feeling anger and pain is part of being human, but it's important to handle these emotions in a manner that is not self-destructive. As children, all of us have expressed anger in ways that have hurt us more than it hurt the person we were angry with. Some of us may have refused to eat a meal, or purposefully broken our favorite toy, or stubbornly refused to go out to play even though we desperately wanted to. We thought we were punishing others by engaging in selfdepriving behaviour and in the process derived a sense of revenge. Such behaviour served the purpose of letting the concerned adults in our lives know that we were angry, hurt and upset because, as children, we do not necessarily know how to experience and express our anger. Perhaps, the helplessness we experienced with our strong feeling of anger came out in a self-punitive manner. For the most part, as we grow up, we learn to abandon this helpless and self-destructive manner of venting our anger. This is not to say that we must learn not to experience anger. Feeling of anger, annoyance, irritation, hurt and dissapointment are natural byproducts of being human and living in a human world. How well we learn to handle these feelings in a manner that is least destructive to others and ourselves is related to our emotional and psychological maturity. Age alone or our level of formal education does not automatically equip us with ways of handling anger. There are several instances of misdirected anger in our lives - the times when we refuse to eat meals to punish others, or maintain a haughty silence to get even or when the husband gets drunk at a party and acts obnoxiously to get back at his wife. Unfortunately, we can take self-destructive expression of anger to an extreme. Often suicide fantasies or actual attempts are a misguided way of punishing the ones we are angry with.


We believe that by harming our lives we will finally make people realize how badly they have treated us. Sadly, we forget that we are dangerously playing with the most precious and fragile gift - our life. Indirect and self-destructive expression of anger may have some effect on others in the short run (assuming that they are aware of the implications of our behaviour), however, the fact remains that we alone pay the price of our behaviour in the long run. The effect of the emotional blackmail that we impose on others by our behaviours is short-lived 'coz others get tired of being manipulated repeatedly. Our feelings of anger do not get shared with the ones we are angry with, there is no understanding of each other and hence no chance of us learning to move beyond them. That is when we get stuck with a long list of how we were wronged by others which we keep going through our minds making us more miserable. As adults we are no longer helpless in dealing with our feelings. One aspect of emotional maturity is the ability to rationally analyse situations that make us angry, and taking the time to acknowledge our anger as well as deciding how we can explain that anger in a way that does not damage ourselves or others. Anger, when it is dealt with in relationships through open and honest discussions, can serve to deepen the relationship, bring people together and above all, increase our level of self-awareness and inner security.



"How many people grew up in families where it truly felt safe and secure expressing your angry feelings as well as being the target of other people's angry feelings?" In a room of fifty to a hundred people, I got less than a handful of people, and even some of those seem to be wavering more than waving confidently. Most of us didn't have many "healthy anger" role models. But "anger," like most things in real life, including the short-sited proverbial glass, is often double-edged -- neither half empty nor half full but half empty and half full. The Four Angry "I"s 1. Injustice. A rule of conduct, a cherished belief or instrumental goal is being threatened or abused; you see yourself (also others with whom you are psychologically dependent or connected) as a victim of an injustice, unfairness or disloyalty. 2. Injury. You feel disrespected, discarded or ignored; there's a sense of insult and humiliation along with injury -- often psychological, at times also physical. 3. Invasion. Your freedom, autonomy, boundary and personal space are perceived to be constricted, disrupted or violated; your identity and bodily and/or psychological integrity are being threatened or attacked. 4. Intention. There is an energy and determination to do something about the above injustices, injuries and invasions; you are ready -- reflexively and/or purposefully -- to challenge the status quo. So anger is a potential range of feelings, from irritation and determination to outrage and fury. Its breadth, depth, intensity and interactive potential is often forged by how one looks at the world through his or her "Four Angry 'I's."


Consequences of Anger

The more complicated your life gets -- the more people you interact with on a daily basis -- the more incidents occur that can irritate, annoy, provoke, incense, madden, infuriate, and enrage. Anger and all its cousins are permanent occupants of your emotional menage. Anger is normal but.. Most people don't enjoy feeling angry. It's uncomfortable -- even more uncomfortable if you lash out and someone gets hurt or angry back. Anger can have unpleasant repercussions and destructive consequences for everyone concerned. Repressing anger -- keeping it bottled up inside -- can cause headaches, back pain, nausea, or other symptoms. "Letting it all out" isn't good for you either. Anger in hard driving .Some personalities have been associated with coronary heart disease and sudden death. Anger can lead to full-blown conflict, damaged relationships, even aggressive or violent acts.Emotionally-driven automatic responses are usually learned in childhood, so by adulthood reacting angrily can be a habit. Plus it's easy: Clench your fists, tighten your muscles, turn red in the face, and yell. The payoffs are pretty obvious: momentary relief coupled with the appearance of being in control. Its a hormone thing.. According to Daniel Goleman (Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Bantam,1995) threats to life, security, and self-esteem trigger a two-part limbic surge: First, hormones called catecholamines are released, generating a rush of energy that lasts for minutes. Second, an adrenocortical arousal is created that can put you on edge and keep you there for hours, sometimes days. This explains why you are more likely to erupt in anger over something relatively innocuous if the incident is preceded by an earlier upsetting experience. Though the two events may be completely unrelated, the anger generated by the second incident builds on the anger left over from the first.


Understanding Anger

The nature of the organism? Freud came to believe in a death or aggressive instinct because he saw so much violence, sadism, war, and suicide. Konrad Lorenz (1966) believed that species, both animal and human, survived by having an aggressive instinct which protected their territory and young, and insured only the strongest individuals survived. The sociobiologists, noting the frequency we go to war, also suggest that we have inherited an aggressive nature, a tendency to lash out at anything that gets in our way, a need to dominate and control. Research has shown that stimulation of certain parts of animals' brains leads to aggression. Stimulation of other parts stops aggression. We don't know how this works. In 1966, Charles Whitman killed his wife and mother because "I do not consider this world worth living in...", then climbed a tower on the University of Texas campus and fired his rifle at 38 people. He killed 14 before being killed. An autopsy revealed a large tumor in the limbic system of his brain (where the aggression "centers" are in animal brains). Abnormal systems have been found among repeat offenders and aggressive people. So, aggression may sometimes have a physical basis. Aggression may also have a chemical, hormonal, or genetic basis too. A large survey of adopted children has found that living with an adoptive parent who committed crimes is less risky than merely having the genes from a person who committed crimes.


Other physiological factors seem to be involved. Examples: high testosterone (male sex hormone) is associated with more unfaithfulness, more sex, more divorce, more competitiveness, and anti-social behavior. It is also known that a viral infection, called rabies, causes violent behavior. About 90% of women report being irritable before menstruation. Furthermore, 50% of all crimes by women in prison occurred during their menstrual period or premenstrual period. By chance only 29% of crimes would have occurred during those eight days. Low blood sugar increases during the premenstrual period and it causes irritability. About 3 times in a 1000 a male inherits an extra X or Y chromosome, so they are XYY or XXY, instead of XY. At one time it was thought that XYY and XXY males committed more violent crimes. Now it appears that this isn't true but these males are arrested earlier and more often. So we can't forget our inheritance. There is so much we do not know yet. In all of these possibilities--instinct, heredity, hormones, or brain dysfunction--the aggression occurs without apparent provocation from the environment (although there is almost always a "target"). According to some of these theories, the need or urge to be aggressive is boiling within each of us and seeks opportunities to express itself. There is also clear evidence that alcohol consumption and hotter temperatures release aggression, but no one thinks there is something in alcohol or heat that generates meanness.



Frustration leads to aggression Any observer of human emotions recognizes that certain circumstances and actions by others seem to make us mad. When we are intentionally hurt, insulted, cheated, deceived, or made fun of--all these things arouse anger and aggression and distrustful people have more of these experiences. In each case we had hoped for more--for more consideration, more fairness, more understanding. We were frustrated, i.e. prevented from achieving some desired goal. Some theorists believe that anger just naturally results from frustration. This is called the frustration-aggression hypothesis. Our frustration will be more intense if our goal is highly desirable, if we "get close" to our goal and expect to get it, if the barrier to our goal unexpectedly appears and seems unjustified or unfair, and if we "take things personally". There are several physiological reactions that accompany frustration, including higher blood pressure, sweating, and greater energy. Some of us explode, others swallow feelings. Our blood pressure sometimes goes up more when we explode, at other times it goes up more when we swallow the feelings, depending on the situation. The more physiologically damaging anger reactions seem to occur under two extreme conditions, namely, when we feel utterly helpless, or, the opposite, when we have overly optimistic expectations of reaching unreachable goals.


It is obvious that even though we are frustrated and feel angry, we may not become aggressive--not if such a response might result in our being injured or rejected or fired. Yet, if you think of anger as a drive, an urge inside striving for expression, then merely deciding to placate your boss or an obnoxious football player doesn't do anything to reduce your anger (indeed, probably increases it). We can learn to control our anger but as a basic drive it remains there seeking some expression. There are two implications (both seriously questioned recently): 1. The unexpressed anger will spill out in other directions (displacement).

For example, a teenage boy who was unable to go on a trip because his friend had a cold. Not long after this he got into a big fight with his little sister. This displaced aggression is directed away from the real target and towards a safer target, called a scapegoat. This provides a partial release of the pent up frustration but the initial disappointment may never be admitted and experienced fully. Indeed, displacement can also be a defense against recognizing the real source of anger.


When the angry feelings build up inside, presumably like pressure in a

hydraulic system, it is thought by many therapists to be relieving to express the feelings and get them completely "off your chest." This is called venting or catharsis, a cleansing of the system. Early in Freud's(scientists) career, psychoanalytic therapy depended heavily on catharsis--uncovering old emotional traumas and venting those feeling until we had some understanding of the internal stress and a thorough draining of the pent up emotions. It is a popular and common notion that feelings need to be expressed openly and completely. Clearly, when a child wants something he/she can't have, it is likely to cry, get angry, and even hit, i.e. vent feelings. We may not like it, but we see the frustration as an understandable reaction.


However, considerable recent research has been interpreted in such a way as to raise doubts about the value of trying to drain off our anger. First of all, it became pretty clear that watching violent behavior (films, TV, sports) carried out by others increases our own aggressive responses rather than draining off our anger. It seems reasonable that seeing aggression acted out on the screen might provide a model and some encouragement to an already angry person. Certainly, watching a film is not the same as a catharsis in therapy, where a painful, personal experience is relived in full fury with the specific intention of emptying the person of toxic venom (anger). Being aggressive and mean towards someone who has angered us does make us feel better but also makes us more inclined to hurt them even more later. Why is this? Probably because being hostile is easier the second time and still easier the 100th time; you've overcome your inhibitions against aggression; you've learned about aggression and its payoffs. But there are other reasons. Scientists point out that our negative feelings increase towards another person or group as we hurt them. The snowballing effect between thoughts and actions goes like this: "We are hurting them. We are decent people. Therefore, they must be bad." So we put them down more, justifying hurting them more, leading to more negative thoughts about them, etc. This mental put down-behavioral violence cycle occurs in abuse and in prejudice, which we will consider in more detail later. Conclusions about catharsis Is catharsis helpful or harmful? The problem is, as I see it, that catharsis can mean many things. Several scientists have sloppily accepted many diverse acts as being "catharsis" and prematurely concluded that all kinds of catharsis are ineffective or harmful. What the behaviorists call catharsis (almost any expression or even observation of emotion) is hardly therapeutic catharsis. For instance, Tavris clearly equates a dirty, abusive, vicious marital fight with catharsis. Unfortunately, this equation is naive and implies that therapists using catharsis might even advocate abusive violence.


What is catharsis in therapy? Well, most psychotherapists would say it was the expression of repressed (unconsciously held back) feelings that are causing problems. Sometimes the initial traumatic situation (often from childhood) is vividly relived, called an abreaction. Some psychotherapists would consider catharsis to be the intense expression (in therapy or alone) of conscious or unconscious emotions for the specific purpose of feeling better, gaining insight, and reducing the unwanted emotion. It doesn't involve watching a model of aggression; it never involves actually hurting someone. Example:Published descriptions of therapy provide thousands of examples of catharsis. Here's one. In the early 1880's, Josef Breuer, Freud's friend, was treating a bright, attractive young lady, Anna O. Among many other symptoms, she had a phobia of drinking water from a glass. She didn't understand the fear. Under hypnosis, Anna O. recalled being disgusted when she saw her tutor's dog (she hated both the tutor and the dog) drink from a glass. After Anna O. expressed her intense anger about the tutor, she immediately understood her rejecting the water (just like she rejected the tutor) and she could thereafter drink water from a glass. None of the current behavioral research has studied such a "cathartic" experience as Anna O's, probably because this kind of repressed experience can't be scheduled as a 30-minute lab assignment for Intro Psych students; it can be recorded in therapy, however. Furthermore, a straight-forward, easily controlled procedure for venting one's anger is available (see chapter 12) and could be researched readily. It focuses on reducing anger, not learning aggression. The same process occurs when you feel better after letting off steam with a friend.


I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe; I hid my wrath, my wrath did grow.

I suspect intention and expectation of catharsis are crucially important in determining the outcome, e.g. if you beat a punching bag an hour a day thinking how you will punch out people you don't like, I suspect you will become more hostile and aggressive. If you punch the bag thinking that at the end of an hour you will be completely exhausted and cleansed of your hatred and will have a better understanding and more willingness to forgive the irritating person, I suspect you will become less agitated and aggressive. That needs to be proven in the lab.

One final observation about catharsis: many violent crimes are committed by people described as gentle, passive, quiet, easy-going, and good natured (see Truman Capote's In Cold Blood in which the "nicest boy in Kansas" kills his family). Everyone is surprised. Likewise, many psychological tests describe persons who have committed violent acts as ordinarily being over-controlled, i.e. not emotional or impulsive and very inhibited about expressing aggression against anyone. Thus, it seems that they may "store up" aggression until it is impossible to contain and, then, they explode. Many of us, who have been parents, have had a similar experience, namely, holding our tongue until we over-react with a verbal assault on the child.


The research about hostility suggests that a safe, appropriate way of releasing our anger is badly needed. Athletics are supposed to serve this function for some people but the data is contradictory. Psychotherapists say athletes are less aggressive; Some say they are more. So, watching certain athletics may increase hostility. At the very least, research psychologists and psychotherapists should more clearly define "catharsis." It is not playing or watching sports, writing stories about aggression, fighting in a war, shocking someone in an experiment, watching someone hit a Bobo doll, or watching TV violence. It is well documented that watching, fantasizing, or acting out violence increases the probability that you will be more violent in the future. In contrast, the end result of catharsis is, in some cases, peace and calm, not aggression. Psychotherapists say expressing emotions in therapy can change a person's view and interpretation of the situation. Also, expressing an emotion, such as anger, can result in finding ways to change the irritating situation. Once the released emotion is discussed with a therapist or friend, you are in a better position to make plans for coping with the feelings and the circumstances. Obviously, some people can calm themselves down, i.e. reduce their anger. Anger control and health seem to be related to feeling in control ,trusting and accepting others or at least not seeing them as mean, selfish, and exploitative, and being able to assertively express our negative feelings These are skills many of us need to learn.


Anger & Relationships

Anger is particularly destructive in relationships. When we live in close contact with someone, our personalities, priorities, interests, and ways of doing things frequently clash. Since we spend so much time together, and since we know the other person's shortcomings so well, it is very easy for us to become critical and short-tempered with our partner and to blame him or her for making our life uncomfortable. Unless we make a continuous effort to deal with this anger as it arises, our relationship will suffer. A couple may genuinely love one another, but if they frequently get angry with each other the times when they are happy together will become fewer and further between. Eventually there will come a point when before they have recovered from one row the next has already begun. Like a flower choked by weeds, love cannot survive in such circumstances.

In a close relationship, opportunities to get angry arise many times a day, so to prevent the build-up of bad feelings we need to deal with anger as soon as it begins to arise in our mind. We clear away the dishes after every meal rather than waiting until the end of the month, because we do not want to live in a dirty house nor be faced with a huge, unpleasant job. In the same way, we need to make the effort to clear away the mess in our mind as soon as it appears, for if we allow it to accumulate it will become more and more difficult to deal with, and will endanger our relationship. We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is also an opportunity to develop patience. A relationship in which there is a lot of friction and conflict of interests is also an unrivalled opportunity to erode away our self-cherishing and selfgrasping, which are the real sources of all our problems. By practising the instructions on patience explained here, we can transform our relationships into opportunities for spiritual growth.

It is through our anger and hatred that we transform people into enemies. We generally assume that anger arises when we encounter a disagreeable person, but actually it is the anger already 25

Anger-generating fantasies

First, something happens to make us mad--someone cheats or insults us, a child rebels, our lover shows a lot of attention to someone else. We think about it a lot; we talk about it; it becomes an obsession, like a movie played over and over. The


more we think about it, the angrier we get. Research supports this notion. Psychotherapists interviewed recently fired employees and encouraged them to talk about their hostility towards the company. This talking increased their hostility. Scientists have summarized several studies showing that aggressive fantasies interfere with the reduction of anger. Moreover, just waiting five minutes helps women get over their anger, but not men. Scientists speculate that men may be more prone than women to ruminate about the mistreatments they have suffered and/or about their inability (or wished-for ability) to retaliate against their annoyer. Thus, men hold anger longer than women. It is not uncommon to meet a person who is still, years later, seething with anger towards a former spouse or a tyrannical parent or boss. Presumably the unpleasant memories maintain the hostility which, in turn, fuels more aggressive fantasies and perhaps ulcers, distrust of others, and so on. There seem to be two elements in anger-building: (1) obsessive hostile fantasies and (2) a lack of creative imagination or fantasy. For example, extremely violent persons often ruminate almost continuously about how awful the hated person is. Also, they think of only violent solutions to the problem. On the other hand, research has consistently shown that people who are frequently aggressive have a very limited ability to think of different or more creative ways of handling the angering situation or person .

Scientists say by talking with friends (or a therapist?) about being upset with someone "you aren't ventilating the anger; you're practicing it." That isn't necessarily so but it is possible. If the talking (or daydreaming) reinforces your beliefs of injustice, blame, and evilness in the other person, your anger increases. If the talking (or thinking) provides more understanding of the disliked person and more ideas about how to cope, your anger decreases. Also, if you believe talking calms you down, it probably does.


The Faults of Anger

There is nothing more destructive than anger. It destroys our peace and happiness in this life, and impels us to engage in negative actions that lead to untold suffering in future lives. It blocks our spiritual progress and prevents us from accomplishing any spiritual goals we have set ourself - from merely improving our mind, up to full enlightenment.


The opponent to anger is patient acceptance, and if we are seriously interested in progressing along the spiritual path there is no practice more important than this. Anger is by nature a painful state of mind. Whenever we develop anger, our inner peace immediately disappears and even our body becomes tense and uncomfortable. We are so restless that we find it nearly impossible to fall asleep, and whatever sleep we do manage to get is fitful and unrefreshing. It is impossible to enjoy ourself when we are angry, and even the food we eat seems unpalatable. Anger transforms even a normally attractive person into an ugly red-faced demon. We grow more and more miserable, and, no matter how hard we try, we cannot control our emotions. One of the most harmful effects of anger is that it robs us of our reason and good sense. Wishing to retaliate against those whom we think have harmed us, we expose ourself to great personal danger merely to exact petty revenge. To get our own back for perceived injustices or slights, we are prepared to jeopardize our job, our relationships, and even the well-being of our family and children. When we are angry we lose all freedom of choice, driven here and there by an uncontrollable rage. Sometimes this blind rage is even directed at our loved ones and benefactors. In a fit of anger, forgetting the immeasurable kindness we have received from our friends, family, or Spiritual Teachers, we might strike out against and even kill the ones we hold most dear. It is no wonder that an habitually angry person is soon avoided by all who know him. This unfortunate victim of his own temper is the despair of those who formerly loved him, and eventually finds himself abandoned by everyone.

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions. Are You Too Angry? 29

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion. Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others? According to psychologists who specialize in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.


What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.If a person comes from a family where letting out anger is very frequent,he is tend to get more hyper than others and vice versa. Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?" Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation. It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.



Since it is impossible to fulfill all our desires or to stop unwanted things happening to us, we need to find a different way of relating to frustrated desires and unwanted occurrences. We need to learn patient acceptance. Patience is a mind that is able to accept, fully and happily, whatever occurs. It is much more than just gritting our teeth and putting up with things. Being patient means to welcome wholeheartedly whatever arises, having given up the idea that things should be other than what they are. It is always possible to be patient; there is no situation so bad that it cannot be accepted patiently, with an open, accommodating, and peaceful heart. When patience is present in our mind it is impossible for unhappy thoughts to gain a foothold. There are many examples of people who have managed to practise patience even in the most extreme circumstances, such as under torture or in the final ravages of cancer. Although their body was ruined beyond repair, deep down their mind remained at peace. By learning to accept the small difficulties and hardships that arise every day in the course of our lives, gradually our capacity for patient acceptance will increase and we shall come to know for ourself the freedom and joy that true patience brings.


Q: What causes a person to experience anger? A: There are basically two ways of experiencing anger. You can feel angry with yourself over not having done as well as you had hoped on an examination, or you can have the other kind of anger which is directed at someone else or some object. In other words, you can stub your toe walking over a carpet and be angry about that, or you can be angry at a sales person in the store, or with a spouse of girlfriend/boyfriend as a result of an argument or dispute. Internal anger is directed at yourself for something that you have done or not done and external anger is the result of an interaction with another person. Q: What are some ways of dealing with anger? A: Probably the most productive way is taking your angry feelings to the source, in other words, directly to the person involved. If your angry feeling are directed at yourself and you are angry with yourself about something, try to express those feelings to a friend, a colleague or a counselor. In other words, to kind of get it off your chest. It is very important to get out angry feelings regardless of what kind of anger youre feeling. Q: What are some of the non-productive ways of dealing with anger? A: Instead of expressing feelings, the non-productive way would be to bottle them up, keeping those feelings inside. An expression that is frequently used is "sandbagging". Sandbagging your angry feelings means to avoid the person for whom anger is directed, sidestepping the issue, keeping the anger inside, instead of being direct with a person. Sandbagging results in being indirect and sarcastic. Many people fear hurting someone elses feelings if they share angry feelings. Yet by holding on to anger, the other person ends up feeling hurt and relationships are damaged. Having a lot of angry feelings that are pent up could lead to punitive kinds of behavior or resentment, directly or indirectly. People that you are involved with, a boyfriend of girlfriend or a spouse, know when you are angry. There are ways that you show it indirectly. And when you dont express that anger directly to them, usually they resent it, and the frustration can cause people to withdraw from each other.


Q: Many people are not even aware they are angry, or that theyre not expressing it. How does a person become aware of whether theyre expressing their anger or not? A: One way for people to tell whether they are angry is if they are short tempered. If you find your honking your horn at traffic, if you are not able to concentrate on your work like you want to, these are all ways of knowing that something is wrong. Agitated feelings are good clues to unexpressed anger. Also, there are occasionally some physical symptoms that go along with unexpressed anger, such as migraine headaches, peptic ulcers, upset stomach, tension headaches. Usually your body tells you that something is wrong. You are bottling something up, and you are not expressing those angers. Q: Is there a decision-making process related to expressing anger? A: When you have angry feelings ,you have to decide if this is the right time and the right place to express these feelings. You may in fact be in the company of others when you have these angry feelings, and you may want to find a nice quiet place where you can explain and express those feelings, or tell those feelings to the person you feel has caused them or at least is directly involved with you. So, it very much is a decision. Q: How about the trust factor? Would you have to trust somebody before you express angry feelings to them, or does trust have anything to do with it? A: Expressing anger is a lot easier if we trust someone. On the other hand, level of trust is not imperative. We may feel angry toward a clerk in a store or a salesperson and we dont know what the level of trust is. I think the most important thing is to trust yourself. Trust your feelings and let your feelings out. Q: For the person who hasnt learned too much about expressing anger, are there preliminary steps that one can start taking to learn more about their angry feelings? A: Yes, there is and considering it a series of steps is the easiest way to look at it. The first step is to be aware if something is going on where you are finding yourself agitated, 34

if you are snapping at friends, if youre not doing well in your work. You know something is wrong. Give yourself time, take a few moments, locate the source. Locating the source is the second step. Is it something you have or havent done? Is it something inside that is going on? Or is it the result of an interaction with a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse? The third step would be to choose the right time and the right place to express that anger. If it is anger that is inside you directed at yourself, then find a friend, check it out. See if they have the time to listen to you. Get it off your chest. If it is the result of an interaction with a certain other person, then find the right time and the right place and let them know that this is something important to you to express. And finally, number four would be to tell them your anger in the most simple, direct way you can think of. And always remember that you have the responsibility to express your anger. The other person may not respond the way you want them to--they may not be willing to hear it-- but the important thing is that is their responsibility. You only have the responsibility to tell them and thats about it. What to do?

Instead of reacting impulsively, train yourself to keep a lid on angry feelings until you have cooled down. Then confront the situation -- or person -- calmly. When flooded with negative emotions, the ability to hear, think and speak are severely impaired. Taking a "time out" can be enormously constructive. However, 5 minutes are not enough; research suggests that people need at least 20 minutes to recover from intense psychological arousal. During those minutes (and at other times, too), try some of these techniques for coping with and defusing anger: 1. Become Aware of what precipitates your anger. Most of us have identifiable triggers. Once you know the roots of your anger, you can deal with it more constructively.


2. Monitor the feelings and bodily sensations you experience when you're becoming angry. Learn to use these sensations as cues to stop and consider what is happening and what to do about it.

3. Change the thoughts that trigger anger, interpreting the situation from a different (less provocative) point of view. Often, this involves looking at the situation from the other person's perspective. Instead of, "Sue's deliberately trying to make me look bad," think "Sue must be having a bad day." Instead of "How dare you cut me off, you damn homicidal idiot!" think "Maybe that driver didn't see me." Changing thoughts produces new feelings which displace the anger. The quicker you can reinterpret a situation the better. Brooding fuels anger, but seeing things differently quells it. Reframing a situation is one of the most potent ways of controlling anger.

4. Write down angry thoughts. Once you have them on paper, challenge and reappraise them. Or write a letter to the person you're angry with and then tear it into a hundred pieces. But be careful: The longer you dwell on what made you angry, the more reasons and self-justifications you can find for being angry. Try not to fan your own fire.


5. Identify and express the feelings that precede anger. Anger is often a secondary emotion, erupting in the wake of other feelings, like frustration, resentment, humiliation, or fear. Try to become aware of the underlying emotion and express that feeling instead of anger.

6. Respond assertively. The goal isn't to suppress anger, but to express it in non-aggressive ways. Blaming, accusations, threats and name-calling are aggressive responses. Calmly and assertively stating your thoughts and feelings about a situation, without blaming, is a far more powerful way to respond in conflict.

7. Relax. Anger is a high-arousal state, so one of the most helpful things you can do is engage in an activity that lowers blood pressure and heart rate, like yoga, stretching, deep breathing, massage, visualization, guided imagery or meditation. Activities like gardening, painting, and woodworking may also be very helpful. Running, walking, dancing, swimming and other forms of aerobic exercise "work off" anger and leave you feeling relaxed. 8. Relinquish your anger. If angry feelings about a particular person or situation are eating at you and none of the above techniques proves helpful, try doing what may be the most courageous and difficult thing of all: Just let it go. If the anger is based on some old wound deep inside, letting go starts a healing process. Consider enlisting the support of a professional counselor or therapist.


Identifying Anger

It is very important to identify the actual cause of whatever unhappiness we feel. If we are forever blaming our difficulties on others, this is a sure sign that there are still many problems and faults within our own mind. If we were truly peaceful inside and had our mind under control, difficult people or circumstances would not be able to disturb this peace, and so we would feel no compulsion to blame anyone or regard them as our enemy. To someone who has subdued his or her mind and eradicated the last trace of anger, all beings are friends. A Bodhisattva, for instance, whose sole motivation is to benefit others, has no enemies. Very few people wish to harm someone who is a friend of all the world, and even if someone did harm him or her, the Bodhisattva would not view this person as an enemy. With his mind dwelling in patience, he would remain calm and untroubled, and his love and respect for his assailant would be undiminished. Such is the power of a well-controlled mind. Therefore, if we really want to be rid of all enemies, all we need to do is uproot our own anger. If we are able to recognize a negative train of thought before it develops into fullblown anger, it is not too hard to control. If we can do this, there is no danger of our anger being 'bottled up' and turning into resentment. Controlling anger and repressing anger are two very different things. Repression occurs when anger has developed fully in our mind but we fail to acknowledge its presence. We pretend to our self and to others that we are not angry - we control the outward expression of anger but not the anger itself. This is very dangerous because the anger continues to seethe below the surface of our mind, gathering in strength until one day it inevitably explodes.


On the other hand, when we control anger we see exactly what is going on in our mind. We acknowledge honestly the angry stirrings in our mind for what they are, realize that allowing them to grow will only result in suffering, and then make a free and conscious decision to respond more constructively. If we do this skilfully, anger does not get a chance to develop properly, and so there is nothing to repress. Once we learn to control and overcome our anger in this way, we shall always find happiness, both in this life and in our future lives. Those who truly wish to be happy, therefore, should make the effort to free their minds from the poison of anger.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay


Relaxation Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut." Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation. Cognitive Restructuring Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that


I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactionsfrustration, disappointment, hurtbut not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving 41

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away. Better Communication Angry people tend to jump toand act onconclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your angeror a partner'slet a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.


Using Humor "Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation. Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them! When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.


Changing Your Environment Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them. Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at nightperhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habittry changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm. Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a projectlearn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Four Proven Techniques for Managing Anger

Step 1:The first step towards managing anger in our personal relationships appropriately is the


identification of the mistaken attitudes and convictions that predispose us to being excessively angry in the first place! Once these mistakes have been corrected, we will be less likely to fly off the handle than we were in the past. Step 2:The second step is the identification of those factors from our childhood that prevents us from expressing our anger as appropriately as we otherwise might. These factors include fear, denial, ignorance and so on.

These impediments to the effective and appropriate management of our anger towards others can be removed so that our suppressed anger will NOT compound itself inside of us as it has been doing for years.

Step 3:The third step is learning the appropriate modes of expressing our "legitimate" anger at others so that we can begin to cope more effectively with anger provoking situations as they arise in our personal relationships. When we are anxious or depressed in our relationships, we are often experiencing the consequences of our suppressed anger. The problem is that we have suppressed our anger so deeply that we succeeded in concealing it from our own selves! All we are left with is the residual evidence of it, our anxiety or our depression. When we are depressed, very often we are also angry at our self without realizing it.

Learning to appropriately manage our anger at ourselves is the antidote to much of alcoholism and drug abuse. But the management of our anger does not end in learning these new and more appropriate ways to express it. There remains one last step.

Step 4:-


The fourth step in the Anger Management process is to bind up the wounds that may have been left by the potentially devastating emotional impact of anger. "Anger wounds" left in us against those who have wronged us. If we do not complete this mopping up step, we will cling to the resentment of having been done wrong and will carry the festering residue of our anger and rage in our hearts forever.

One of the most effective means of giving ourselves immediate relief from anger in our personal relationships is to forgive others.
Many of us cannot forgive those who have trespassed against us. Something below the level of our conscious awareness prevents us from relieving our residual anger by forgiving the other person and we then carry a grudge in our hearts for thirty years! This unresolved anger poisons our relationship with our friends and loved ones. It even spoils our relationship with ourselves! We make our own lives mean and miserable instead of happy and full. Very often the feeling is, "Why should I forgive them? What they did was WRONG!" But, is forgiveness for those who only do us right? Most people have a hard time forgiving others simply because they have a wrong understanding of what forgiveness is! When you forgive someone, it does not mean that you condone or are legitimizing their behavior toward you. To forgive them means that you refuse to carry painful and debilitating grudges around with you for the rest of your life! You are "refusing" to cling to the resentment of them having done you wrong.

Controlling Anger

Benefits of Patience
In reality most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things as they are - in which case it is patient acceptance, rather than attempting to change externals, that is the solution. For example, many of our relationship problems arise 46

because we do not accept our partner as he or she is. In these cases the solution is not to change our partner into what we would like him to be, but to accept him fully as he is. There are many levels of acceptance. Perhaps we already try to tolerate our partner's idiosyncrasies, refrain from criticizing him or her, and go along with his wishes most of the time; but have we in the depths of our heart given up judging him? Are we completely free from resentment and blaming? Is there not still a subtle thought that he ought to be different from the way he is? True patience involves letting go of all these thoughts. Once we fully accept other people as they are without the slightest judgement or reservation - as all the enlightened beings accept us - then there is no basis for problems in our relations with others. Problems do not exist outside our mind, so when we stop seeing other people as problems they stop being problems. The person who is a problem to a non-accept- ing mind does not exist in the calm, clear space of patient acceptance. Patient acceptance not only helps us, it also helps those with whom we are patient. Being accepted feels very different to being judged. When someone feels judged they automatically become tight and defensive, but when they feel accepted they can relax, and this allows their good qualities to come to the surface. Patience always solves our inner problems, but often it solves problems between people as well

Anger management programs

INDIVIDUAL ANGER PROGRAM Chronic anger can be costly, both physically and emotionally. Most people can use their anger in appropriate ways in some situations, and yet be ineffectual in others. 47

Participation in the Individual Anger Program reduces levels of anger, especially in provocative situations. You will learn effective coping behaviors to stop escalation and to resolve conflicts. Graduated homework assignments allow participants to apply their newly acquired skills. The Individual Anger Program employs the three major anger control interventions by using model presentations, rehearsal, positive feedback and promoting.


To reduce levels of anger in provocative situations To learn effective coping behaviors in order to halt escalation and to resolve conflicts

The Individual Anger Program uses a skill building format and each new skill relies, to some extent, on what has previously been learned, therefore participants are strongly encouraged to attend all twelve (12) sessions. The Individual Sessions begin and end on time, lasting forty-five minutes (45min). You are encouraged to do homework assignments.


To reduce levels of anger in provocative situations To learn effective coping behaviors in order to halt escalation and to resolve conflicts



To reduce levels of anger in provocative situations To learn effective coping behaviors in order to halt escalation and to resolve conflicts

COUPLE PROGRAM The Couple Anger Program is for couples who want professional help for dealing with anger and building a relationship in which both partners can express their real self. Partners who make a real relationship work have certain skills. They know and practice core interpersonal skills, which allows them to form a relationship that can endure, deepen, and grow. The Couple Anger Program offers practical skills for dealing with anger and encouragement for those seeking more meaning and healthy closeness in their relationship. A real relationship provides its partners with the opportunity for personal growth, development of the real self, and emotional and spiritual healing.

This Program provides clear explanations, practical skills, insightful background, and a map for the healing journey possible in real relationships. Learn how to overcome the power of difference and shame, which may threaten the level of your satisfaction. The dynamics of difference and shame have the power to set up the development of a false self. The false self defensively refuses to assert the real self. Overcoming the power of 49

these dynamics is the source of transforming unhealthy wounded relationships and individuals into healthy ones. The Couple Anger Program provides improvement in the following areas: Assertiveness Skills Overcoming Your Anger Overcoming Your Partner's Anger Overcoming Difference and Shame Overcoming Your Anxiety Conflict Resolution Skills Direct Communication Skills Listening Skills


Angry feelings is one of the greatest challenges for recovering alcoholics and addicts. Relapse is often related to the inability to constructively handle anger. Mismanged anger poses a threat to recovery for the newcomer and the oldtimer. Sometimes the greatest threat is to relationships. Positive Steps in Dealing With Anger Recognize Angry Feelings:


How do you know when you are angry? How does your anger show? Do you deny your anger and hide it? Do you own your anger and go with it?

List Your Anger Signs:

Head, stomach and back aches Rapid speech Yelling and screaming Sarcasm or cynicism Denial or rationalization about your behavior Revenge fantasies Thoughts about drinking or using drugs Arguing with others Becoming silent or withholding Avoiding Others Isolating Becoming Violent Compulsive eating, spending, cleaning, or sex

Identify The Cause:

What is the situation? Who is involved? Is this the first time or is this a pattern? What other feelings are you experiencing? Are you too stressed? Tired? Hungry? Lonely? Scared?

Decide How To Behave:


Reason with your angry self-talk. Change thoughts. From: "I'm angry at you because you..." To: "It's unfortunate this happened, but it's not worth the price I pay."

Do physical activity. Walk or jog. Begin some physically demanding work. Talk directly the person involved.
o o o o

Use a calm and asssertive tone. Practice listening. Don't interrupt. If you're too angry, practice first with a third party.

Avoid behavior that will make the situation worse:

o o o o

Artificial stimulants like nicotine and caffeine. Ranting and raving. Name-calling. Compulsive behavior with food, money or sex.

Prevention and Preparation:

Meditation can help balance the nervous system, and contribute to less stressful anger management. Daily attention to diet and exercise will improve focus and concentration. Keep a log of your anger work, including triggers, behavior and future planning. Chart your progress and be generous with self-praise when you change your behavior.


Only you can decide on the best method to use at this time to handle your anger. Of the alternatives you have, which seem the best? What are the possible outcomes if you try a particular alternative? What will you do if this alternative doesn't work? Write in a journal. Discuss it with a friend or superior. Bring it to your recovery or therapy group. Seek professional help when needed. And remember, anger is not a dirty word. It is a part of being human!

Tame Temper Tantrums

Babies who turn red & scream with rage when their physical needs are not met with immediately ,can turn into toddlers who lie on the floor ,flail their limbs ,bang their heads ,scream ,and or hold their breaths when they cant do something ,arent allowed to do something or are made to do it. They can develop into roaring ,bullying teens and raging ,belligerent adults with high risk for heart attacks. It is best to start calming tactics from the cradle itself. 53

It takes patience. Hold infants firmly and gently to help soothe them. Also talk in a quite voice ,lull the baby to sleep or try distraction. Sympathize with a toddler. Discover the cause of the anger. Reinforce the fact that while it is all right to be angry, getting out of control is unacceptable. If it happens in a public place pick up the child, paste a smile & go to a peaceful nook where u can both cool off. Ignore the child for about three minutes, then issue a one to ten deadline to stop. If it is an in house display, leave the room and shut the door. Demonstrate love when the storm has passed without giving in over the issue. Seek counseling if the child starts breaking things, harms himself or others.

Is Hostility Harming Your Heart?

Youre constantly on the look out for misbehaviour of others. You believe that everybody else around you are incompetent nincompoops. You always need to be in control and not only when you are driving. You jump to the least generous conclusion about others. You are unable to listen because you dont value the experience of others. You get so infuriated that you throw things ,hit someone ,or scream obscenities. 54

You yell at others when you are driving and go ballistic in a cab. You get angry all over again when you recall an irritating incident. You have an argument with a stranger because he bumped into you. You find yourself getting angry with inanimate objects such as the computer ,the You get enraged during the course of a game ,be it bridge or badminton. Minor irritants build up during the day leaving you in a foul mood with the world.

telephone and the television.


If you find that rage is disrupting your life, you can learn to shed your hospitality. Heres how : 1. Log it. Note down your every annoyed, angry or aggressive thought for a week even vague ones. This will make you aware of what triggers you to blow your top, spot patterns and consider corrective measures. 2. Recognize signs of trouble. Say teeth clenching or grinding, heart pounding, muttering obscenities, first making, tensed jaw, hunched shoulders.


3. Take a few deep breaths. Anger can make you dizzy and less able to rationalize. Deep exhalations help you to concentrate & slow down your heart. 4. Say stop. If you have a pointless hostile thought about an independent situation over which you have no control ,short circuit it by shouting Stop either vocally or silently. 5. Think pleasant. You cant focus on two things at the same time, so you feel yourself getting burned up, fantasize about a steamy encounter in bed or a lazy lie- in on a moon drenched beach. 6. Unbottle. Dont hold it until you explode it uncontrollably. Express yourself in a non-threatening way, honestly and openly. Then let go. Convey real feelings of displeasure at the time it occurs and to the person who causes it. This can clear the air, reconcile differences and free the flow of all feelings. 7. Dont be provoked by others into fighting or shouting. Remember it takes a better- and healthier person- to walk away than to stand and slug it out. 8. Know the difference between aggression and assertion. Aggression means a loss of control ,putting another person down ,and shows a failure to cope with or to solve a problem. Assertion means taking a stand ,resisting unreasonable demands and asking for what you want. 9. Snap. Put a rubber band on your wrist and twang it when you feel an inner fire escalating. Then count from one to give and use your favourite fantasy for 20 second to spare before responding. 10. Get into another room. If you must vent out your feeling violently ,lock yourself into a room ,even the loo ,alone. Punch at a pillow ,fling an object ,or scream. Six times of this will evaporate your murderous rage and allow you to face the object of your wrath placidly. 11.Look at the bigger picture. If you re-examine something that seems like a big deal ,it may be easily controllable. 12.Refocus. Or look at the situation from another point of view. Perhaps a family member or friend can provide fresh insight and suggest ways to deal with your rage. 13.Think wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Just because you think that they are youre always right doesnt mean that you are. 56

14.Remind yourself of the embarrassment you felt when you lost control. Itll prevent you from making the same mistake again. 15.Compartmentalize. Try not to carry bad feelings from home to office and vice versa ,thus taking them out on the wrong person. Clear your mind of unnecessary garbage by keeping some in between quite moments to yourself . 16.Cut cigars ,coffee ,colas and candy. The less dependence on nicotine ,caffeine and sugar ,the greater the chance of conquering hospitality. 17.Use time management. Allow yourself plenty of time to get to work in the morning to avoid fretting and fuming. Try to adjust your schedule to miss the rush hour. Visit restraints which are less crowded or when they are less crowded ,shop early in the morning or on weekends ,rather than on weekdays or on the first day of the month. Holiday off season; youll not only save on hotel rates but spare yourself crowded and overbooked transport. 18.Get some me-time to sort out your feelings and de-clutter your mind with a positive attitude. 19.Get moving. Physical exercise ,at least 20 minutes a day, relaxes extra energy and makes you feel more relaxed. 20.Join a course in mind control ,relaxation ,or music therapy. Meditation helps you to analyse yourself more clearly. Yoga releases anger and frustration.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.


When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used. What About Assertiveness Training? It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations. Remember, you can't eliminate angerand it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.


Anger Profile 12 situations, 15-20 min .


Question type: Situational What you get: An overview of the topic of anger with a discussion of the positive as well as negative aspects of the emotion. What it measures: Your style of anger in three different types of situations: emotionally loaded, moderately loaded, and benign. Measures both your external reaction and your internal feelings of anger. Also determines how long you dwell on bad feelings and how in touch you are with your feelings overall. Basic goal: Anger test for anybody is to help him/her identify those areas which always lead to trouble and frustrate him/her and learn new and better responses for all concerned i.e.proper anger management techniques/strategies etc.

Anger Test
Introduction:Do you often find yourself unable to control your temper? Does your anger come out in unhealthy ways that are damaging to both yourself and others? Anger is an extremely powerful emotion, and an inability to keep it under control can lead to serious problems in relationships, career and families. Learn more about your approach to anger


management with the Anger Profile. It's designed to evaluate your general level of anger in different types of situations.

Questions:1.On your way home from work you stop off at the shopping mall to pick up some dinner. As you walk past a restaurant you catch a glimpse of your partner with another woman/man. They are kissing publicly and very passionately. Up until this moment you believed your relationship was stable, loving, and committed - this is your soulmate. How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 2.You have just come out of the gym and are heading home after a long day. You are looking forward to a nice relaxing evening until you see your car. Two other parked cars have boxed it in, and there is no way you can pull out of the parking spot without damaging it. How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 3.Your friend persuades you to hire her/his cousin for a moving job. The guy turns out to be pretty clumsy - he even manages to drop a box labeled "fragile" with your 60

family crystal in it. All of the wine glasses are shattered into hundreds of pieces. How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 4.You have agreed to pick up some friends at the train station. They are coming to stay with you for a month, and they are not light travelers! You've arranged with your partner to have the car for the day. You are about to leave the house when you realize the car is outside but your partner has gone to work with the keys. How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 5.At a karaoke night with friends your partner pokes fun of your singing. You thought your voice was pretty good. Most of your friends heard the comment. How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 61

6.I feel furious. 6.You've planted an herb garden in your back yard and are looking forward to reaping the fruit of your efforts. Lately you've noticed your garden is being messed with. One day you catch the neighbor's poodle in action. With a delighted expression on his face, he poops and digs to get rid of the "evidence". Your garden is ruined - who wants to eat contaminated produce? How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 7. You just bought a new car and bring it to a friends' business to show them. You go in and get them and bring them outside to see it. When you get back to your car you notice that the mini-van that was parked next to your car is gone and that you now have a dent and long scratch in your left-rear fender. How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 8.Youre in the express line in the supermarket, in a hurry, and about to be late for a dinner party at home. Your spouse has been on your case about being late in the past. The person in front of you has at least 5 items over the limit and argues with the clerk to accept her, finally winning her case. Then she argues over a price and the clerk has to go back in the store to check it, and while they discuss that, her daughter comes up with 2 more items to buy. At that point, how do you feel? 62

1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 9.You were told that the man from your appliance guarantee company was coming this morning to check the new broken washer you bought. You have many things to do but you have to stay at home this morning or miss him. After two calls, you call again at 12:30 only to find out he's been delayed and will come some time this afternoon.Also he calls back later and says hell b there by maximum 1hr,but doesnt turn up till eve. At that point, how do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 10.You are living in your new home, with all its new features and fresh wall coverings. Your nosy and irritating neighbor comes to visit and brings her young son. She says she brought things to keep him busy and convinces you it's okay to leave him alone while you two chat. Then you offer her coffee and you chat for a while. It was pleasant enough but she made so many comments on how expensive was the wallpaper and the furniture and the tea serving, even asking the cost repeatedly, that you became uncomfortable. The two of you went to get the boy and found him in your living room. Shocked, you noticed that he had written all over your white furniture and on your foil wallpaper with the permanent markers she had brought without telling you what they were. She takes a look at him, then you, then picks him up and says, "Isn't he creative?", as she heads rapidly for the front door. Now you feel: 63

1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 11. You take care of your morning responsibilities then rush to make a doctor's appointment. You get there with three minutes to spare and are told to wait in a very full and noisy waiting room and that the doctor will be with you shortly. An hour later, after just being told for the third time, at the desk, that the doctor will be with you shortly, you overhear one of the other people in the waiting room say, "He must have been delayed at the nineteenth hole again, this is his golf morning, you know." Now, you're up and feel: 1.I don't feel angry at all. 2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. 12.You are driving behind a very slow moving car on a canyon road. A traffic jam immediately occurs as a line of cars is forced to slow down behind you. Each time the car ahead comes to an area where he could pull to the side and let you pass, you patiently blink your lights to let him know you would like to pass. He repeatedly refuses to let you (and the long line of cars behind you) go around him and even speeds up once as you try to pass on the right so you can't make it. Then, finally, when you get to the end of the road and pull up next to him, he shouts an obscenity, gives you the finger and speeds off leaving rubber on the road. How do you feel? 1.I don't feel angry at all. 64

2.I feel slightly annoyed. 3.I feel a little angry. 4.I feel moderately angry 5.I feel very angry. 6.I feel furious. The above questionnaire was used as a tool for surveying people.Alike the following sample about 60 people were contacted for the anger management test.Also the people were segmented on the basis of age,sex,occupation etc.depending on their score they were briefed on their anger level and were suggested means to keep their anger in control. Each option carries marks(their seriel nos are considered as marks in this survey) and then the total of all these options is taken and the person is told about his/her behaviour(on an overall basis). Sample size:Age group 15-25 = 20 people. Age group 25-35 = 20 people. Age group 35-45 = 20 people. Out of the above people:Males = 35 Females = 25. Occupations considered:Business, Doctors, Engineers, Students, Labourers. The anger level of people were placed in either of the options:Score between 20-30:Cool, calm and collected, that's your style. Based on your answers to the test questions, it's safe to say you're more happy-go-lucky than fuming and furious! You don't appear to fly off the handle or freak out when something rubs you the wrong way. Rather than 65

plotting revenge or making people pay for any offense, you try to keep your cool. This well-controlled temper is certainly an asset - it saves both you and those around you from a lot of unnecessary turmoil. As long as you recognize that it's normal and, in fact, healthy to get angry from time to time, your approach is productive. Expressing feelings is much more effective than exploding. Way to go! Score between 30-40:Your overall anger level is normal. You get angry in certain situations but don't blow up at every possible occasion. You seem to have found a balance between accepting the occasional flash of temper and not letting yourself get worked up over nothing. You realize that sometimes it's just not worth the headache, and that the feeling will pass if you don't focus on it. This is a healthy, normal approach - suppressing anger can be precarious, but so can letting yourself get swept away by the powerful emotion.

Score between 40-60:If rage and tranquility were countries, you'd be living on the border. From your answers on the test we can deduct that you have the occasional flare of temper, but are generally able to keep a lid on it. Perhaps there are certain situations that get your goat and bring out your angry side, or you simply wake up on the wrong side of the bed from time to time - and the world suffers the consequences! Whether these flashes of anger are a regular thing or not, you should consider the impact they might be having on your relationships and reputation. You don't want people fearing your wrath, do you? It's


normal and even healthy to get angry, but freaking out over small things can only lead to trouble.

Score 60 & above:I'm actually afraid to tell you this, but someone's got to do it - you have a wicked temper! Your responses to the test questions showed that you have a tendency to blow a fuse at the slightest provocation. You may not actually act out on those angry feelings, and might even wish that you had more self-control. Truth is, a nasty temper can cause a lot of trouble in life; other people could be nervous around you, which is certainly not healthy for your relationships. You may make enemies as a result of your outbursts, and even get yourself into some pretty sticky situations. Most of all, these feelings of fury are surely affecting YOU; being angry consumes a lot of precious energy you could be using in more productive ways. Each time you find yourself angry, ask yourself if it's really worth it. Will you even remember the whole incident in a few days time?


Anger is not good for any kind of relationship, whether it is personal or professional. Anger creates differences and leads to unhealthy and bitter experiences. To maintain a healthy relationship with others, it is important to manage anger. The following are the various reasons why Anger Management is important:


Anger Management helps build healthy relationship. It is a key to long term success. It helps to control and manage individual and group anger as well. It helps control the health problems like blood pressure, etc. generating from anger. It helps to keep anger under control, making the person more friendly and peaceful.



Anil Sharma (28) is the youngest child in an ex service mans family. His elder sister and brother are married. Anil was friendly, mature child who excelled in sports and studies, despite the frequent transfers which go with the Navy. There was one problem- his temper although nobody perceived it as such, because the Sharmas both, parents and sons, exploded easily. Anger turned him into a raging bull ,a monster even admits Anil. During a cricket match, if he felt that someone was out and wouldnt accept this ,he would shout and even get abusive. He would feel the bile rising ,his breath would come out in gasps and his body would begin to shake. At home if his meals were not to his liking ,he would berate mom. Sometimes dad would scold him back ,but he would do nothing to mend his ways It was in 1999 ,in Himachal Pradesh ,when Anil got into a huge argument with a family member. He was so furious that he bashed up the object of his wrath again and again and again. Restlessly. until he was restrained by others. He lit a cigarette to cool down (he had been smoking 5 to 10 day ever since he had passed his SSC). And then he felt this pain in his chest which intensified to encompass the whole on his left side. He threw up. Felt better. Then it became so terrifyingly unbearable that he was taken to a nearby hospital. There to his utter bewilderment, he was told that he had suffered a major heart attack. The family was advised to move Anil to Chandigarh where an echo cardiogram and angiography reconfirmed the diagnosis. Meditation was prescribed. 69

Anil felt better but the family decided to come to Mumbai where the cardiologist scolded him: What are you doing? Why arent you taking your condition seriously? The 26-year old couldnt believe ,wouldnt believe ,that hed had a heart attack! Nobody in his family had ever had a heart disease!

The next stop was at Lilavati Hospital where he was put under Dr. Vidya Suratkals care. Another angiography cleared up clogged arteries & he was put on a regimen of blood thinners ,heart stabillsors and cholesterol busters. He was advised to bring his 50 kilos of weight down to 65 kilos to suit his height of 5 ft. 5 inches. He walks for an hour every evening ,has stopped non-veg fare ,given up his gutkha and cigarettes. And sees Dr. Suratkal! Every three months and takes his medication faithfully. On her advice he was managed to rein in his temper. Says Sharma ,It is not as if I dont ever get angry now. But Ive learned to recognize the signs and stay in control. Unfortunately the anger has given way to depression. Says Anil: I feel bad that I have not yet got a job although I am a B.E. in Instrumentation. I feel like I am a burden on my parents and when I see their worried faces my heart is heavy. I spend hours scouring the papers and sending my resume all over the place. But wherever I go they ask for experience. How can I get experience if I dont get a job? Has my life ended before it has even begun? Through it all Dr. Vidya is like a beacon of hope. She is helping Anil to grow in confidence and self esteem.



Anger is the worst enemy of a person. If a person does not learn how to control his anger, he can lead to being alone. In professional world, anger can generate a lot of enemies, loss of money and customers, unsatisfied employees and much more. So Anger Management is very essential in personal and professional life of an individual. In order to teach the employees how to manage their anger and to manage customers, companies can train the employees, specially the one who directly deal with clients, how to manage anger. They can make Anger Management a part of their training, which will help employees to control their anger, be more patient, and thus, satisfy customers and win new customers. Anger Management is necessary in every field today, whether it is hospitals, private business, banks, etc. Everyone likes to see a smiling and happy face and Anger Management helps in the same.



The following were the books which were referred for the completion of this project:

BOOKS Indigo Dreams Anger Management Techniques (Audio Book) Fabulous Self Esteem

AUTHOR Lori Lite Dr. Foore Amy Twain

The following websites helped in successful completion of this project: www.beatingangerfranchise.co.uk www.amazon.com www.brint.com www.financialexpress.com