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non compos mentis

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CADS REPORT
DECEMBER 2011 Issue No: Seven http://cads-amsterdam.org/

THE CADS REPORT THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE AS FUNNY AS PRIVATE EYE, AS ODDLY WRY AS THE OLDIE AND AS VULGAR AS VIZ AND OFTEN FAILS...MISERABLY...

DUTCH AND UK GOVERNMENTS HAVE BEEN PLANNING TO BE SHOCKED BY BABY BOOMER RETIREMENT COSTS SINCE WW2.
BOTH GOVERNMENTS ARE FACING SUBSTANTIAL, AND SOME SAY UNSUSTAINABLE, INCREASES IN SPENDING ON OLD AGE PENSIONS AS THE FIRST BABY BOOMERS ARE ENTERING RETIREMENT.

Figures published by the statistics ofce show the Dutch government spent 15.8 billion euros in old age pension benets, an increase of six percent over the same period in 2010. The increase is also substantially bigger than in previous years. This year, British baby-boomers start to turn 65 and join the 875,000 UK retirees. The Department for Work and Pensions reckons that ten million people who are alive today will live to 100, including 1.3

million people who are already aged between 51 and 65. This will be a substantial and vociferous force of people. It needs to be to make sure older people get their due share of resources and benets. The outlook does not look good at the moment as it is difcult to see any bright side on the nancial front. Savings rates are still belt-tighteningly low, ination is threatening, we have to work longer to earn a pension which wont increase by much, and local authorities are cutting front-line services.

Dear Alcoho l,
where We had a deal e me yo u w o u ld m ak

and a funnier, smarter ... better joke teller


Jokathon vi deo. I saw last years We need to talk. W. C. Velden

Our CADS Money guide helps you make the most of your money and keep itsafe,giving you: Corrupt nancial advice from the Fat Cat nancial advisors at CADS HQ. Alternative investments - Three experts give their top tips on Champagne and hippy lifestyles. PLUS: free issue of How to live like a God until youre 100 by Rip Off van Winkel. His guide on how he plans to survive the economic Armageddon by offering you useless, expensive advice.

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CADS REPORTITS THAT TIME OF YEAR!

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Jokathon to combine forces with Eurovision Song Contest. New event to be MONEY RAISED WILL GO TOWARDS MICRO FINANCING FOR UNDER (WEAR) PRIVILEGED PEOPLE called Jokathong or Eurovision Thong Content

Euro watchers await lunatic eclipse

Euro watchers are gearing up for a total lunatic announcement from mayor of London Boris Johnson about the Euro thats rumoured to eclipse any mad thing hes ever said. Including..... On George W Bush "The President is a cross-eyed Texan warmonger, unelected, inarticulate, who epitomises the arrogance of American foreign policy." On commuting "I forgot that to rely on a train, in Blair's Britain, is to engage in a crapshoot with the devil." On Tony Blair "It is just ipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall."
I WAS NOT HACKED

WICKI-LEAKS

Monty spins for England again


Monty Panesar earns England recall for Pakistan series. England have stuck with a winning formula by naming virtually the same squad that came home with the Ashes last winter for next months Test series against Pakistan in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, starting on Jan 17. With Stuart Broad, Chris Tremlett and Eoin Morgan back from injury this series should be historic.

A well known CADS member (well at least in his own lunchtime) who cannot be named for legal reasons (i.e. youve never heard of him) admitted last night that his phone had at no stage been hacked by CADS Report journalists. He told police: When I read nothing about myself in the CADS Report it nally dawned on me that something odd was going on. I contacted Amstelveen Yard to complain and I was told that they were not interested in any corruption under 2 million Euros. They said that there were thousands of CADS celebs that where not on the list and I would just have to wait my turn. The

celeb continued. It was a shocking lack of intrusion into my life. Im looking for compensation of 100,000 euros or a small mention in Expactica. What do Dutch expats miss most abroad? Some 9% of those polled said they missed the herring most of all, followed by kroketten (8.6%), cheese (8.1%) and household goods chain Hema (8%). Family and friends are back in fth place, with 6.7% of the vote, followed by cycling (6.5%), Dutch bread, cakes and biscuits (2.7%), the warm atmosphere (2.2%), Sinterklaas (2.1%).

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CADS REPORTALL RISE FOR THE CHAIRMAN!

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CHAIRMANS CORNER
DECEMBER 2011

We had a lovely lunch last month, addressed by Tim Cooke with a slide show on the merits and potential pitfalls of micro-nance projects in Kenya and Tanzania. Apparently one essential is a personal Masai warrior armed with bow and poison arrows. Such a bodyguard can be hired for the princely sum of 1 Euro per day!!! And if you want to avoid being mugged, make sure you are accompanied by a woman. Last week 14 of us went to Naarden-Vesting to dine at De Samaritaan on Marktstraat. This is the bar which Gary and Ilse Millin have bought. We had an excellent meal, accompanied by super wines amongst them a 1997 Chateau dYquem which Ilse effectively donated to us, charging only 6 Euros for a wine which cost 450 Euros! A riotous time was had by all, and many thanks to Gary and Isle for organising it! I hope we can repeat the event in the future Professor Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a trafc cop.The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am." Yes folks, its the Jokeathon, our annual joke telling marathon which will take place next Friday. There will be a prize for the most festively dressed participant, and of course the (in)famous Bernhard Garside trophy for the biggest joker amongst us. Please make your reservations with Allan asap. The hotel is putting on a 3-course lunch this time, as has become traditional for the Jokeathon. Look forward to seeing you there!
DID YOU SEE

Phrases for the golfers among us... An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O. J. Simpson - somehow got away with it A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner A Kate Moss - a bit thin Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole A Maradona - a very nasty little ve footer A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A lady boy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems Putting like a gynecologist - shaving the hole

If you want to know more about British humour, look no further than Have I Got More News For You. The funniest panel game on British TV, every Sunday evening at 2330 Dutch time. If you cant stay up for it, record it. Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are perfect foils for one another, and no target is safe

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door. She says, "Who is it?" A male voice responds, "The blind man." After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in." The man enters and says, "Nice boobs, Reverend Mother. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.