SECTION VII: BORDERLINE TRAITS III: ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR Therapists Overview

FORMING STABLE RELATIONSHIPS

GOALS OF THE EXERCISE

1. 2. 3. Develop a recovery program that reduces the impact of borderline behavior traits on abstinence. Understand connections between addictive thinking patterns and unhealthy relationships. Learn strategies to form stable and healthy relationships that promote recovery.

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL

Adult-Child-of-an-Alcoholic (ACOA) Traits Dependent Traits Partner Relational Conflicts Sexual Promiscuity Social Anxiety

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH CLIENT

The Forming Stable Relationships activity is for clients whose recovery is compromised by dysfunctional relationships. It guides clients in exploring similarities between addictions and the dynamics of unhealthy relationships, then studying the qualities of healthy relationships. The exercise concludes by offering actions to help clients form healthier relationships and prompting them to identify steps to take during the following month. The exercise is suited for individual or group use, in session or as homework. Follow-up can include reporting on outcomes and bibliotherapy using literature on this topic or videotherapy (see Rent Two Films and Lets Talk in the Morning by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons).

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FORMING STABLE RELATIONSHIPS

The ways of thinking that form healthy relationships promote healthy living in general. The stress of a troubled relationship is a common relapse trigger, but a good relationship supports recovery under other kinds of stress. Forming stable relationships is a valuable life skill. 1. Our closest relationships can be the most challenging. We may find ourselves in unhappy situations over and over, knowing somethings wrong but not how to get it right. The stress of those problems may lead people into addiction and other self-destructive actions. What would you say are key qualities of healthy and unhealthy relationships? Healthy Relationships Unhealthy Relationships

2.

Unhappy relationships are often like addictions to drugs or such behaviors as gambling, overwork, overspending, and so on. Here are some traits of addictive relationshipsfor each, please give an example of any experiences youve had that fit that pattern: a. Rapid high-intensity involvement: We may call it love at first sight, but its usually lust at first sight. As with drugs, we seek instant gratification from intense experiences. Example:

b. Dishonesty, distrust, manipulation, and controlling behavior: We may try to control the moods, thoughts, and behaviors of others and at the same time blame them for our own feelings and behavior, saying you made me do/feel/think . . . We hide things and dont talk about some subjects. We do a lot of mind-reading, assuming, and hinting instead of being open and direct. Example:

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c. Desire for total union and social/emotional isolation: The fear that well lose our partners if we let them out of reach, or the feeling that were incomplete when apart, can lead us to cling to people and smother them. We tend not to have other close relationships, and often not much social activity. Were jealous and want other people all to ourselves, and we often fear what friends and family would say about these relationships (another parallel to addiction). Example:

d. Desire to fix the other/solve his/her problems: We may see ourselves as rescuers, drawn to people with many problems and painful lives. This distracts us from our problems and lets us feel generous, feel superior, and feel safe from abandonment because they need us. Example:

3.

A healthy relationship has the opposite qualities. Here is the other side of the coin, the traits of a stable and positive relationship. Again, please give examples from your own life: a. Gradual, step-by-step development: Its wise to be cautious and not get too vulnerable, physically or emotionally, until we know its safe. Example:

b. Honesty, trust, respect, and acceptance: In healthy relationships people dont try to control each other. We can put ourselves in others shoes and accept their right to disagree and make other choices. We can ask directly for what we want instead of hinting or manipulating. Example:

c. Acceptance of separateness, independence, and a full social life: Healthy partners know that theyre different people with different interests, histories, and so on. They maintain their other human connections, knowing no one person can meet all their needs. They know they can get along on their own, so theyre together by choice, not because they feel they need to be.

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Example:

d. Expectation that each will solve his/her own problems: No rescuing! Healthy partners know they cant fix each other. We can be supportive without taking on others responsibilities. Example:

4.

Here are some ways to develop healthy relationships. How can you act on each one? a. Work on yourself first: We attract, and are attracted to, people who are about as healthy and stable as we aretheyre our mirrors. To attract healthy people, you have to be one. What I can do: b. Look in reasonable places: Dont look for bread at the hardware store you wont find healthy people in unhealthy places, or get healthy love from anyone who doesnt have it to give. What I can do: c. Be yourself: To find a partner who accepts you as you are, you must let others see the real you. If you put on an act, no one has a chance to know and accept you. What I can do: d. Be picky: You have the right to be treated welldont settle for less, or give less in return. Never get involved with someone out of pity or a sense of obligation. What I can do: e. Dont try to change people: People dont change unless they choose to do so. You cant have a relationship with someones potential, only with the person that exists now. What I can do:

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f.

Take your time: Go step by step. Be cautious and check the other person out as you go. Increase your vulnerability and depth of involvement bit by bit as you see that each step is safe. What I can do:

g. Get feedback: Seek out someone you see has good relationship skills and whose wisdom you trust, and get his/her reactions to whats going on in your relationship. What I can do: h. Listen to your gut: Think about past relationship choices that went badly; think back to your inner voice or gut feelings at the time. Pay attention to any uneasy feelings. What I can do:

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next session with your therapist, and be prepared to talk about your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.