God of Doubt

John Watkins

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The world view, blue and with The point swooped palace,

came into and green marbled clouds. of view into a where a

large man with gray hair and beard brooded in a throne. A deep, resonant voice began to speak. "God was in his heaven, trying to decide whether all was right with the world. This is back when the world was young, say 2,000 or 4,000 years old, compared to maybe 8,000 now. The young planethood of the world, not it's dotage, like now. Fame is fleeting, but people still remembered God in those days. It wasn't like he had to prove he existed. In fact, his biggest worry back then was whether people liked him enough. Some say it still is. He certainly insists 1

God of Doubt
John Watkins people tell him how important he is all the time." "So, dude," said Satan, swinging into a seat by the liquor cabinet and pouring himself a glass of ambrosia. "How's it hanging?" "Whose ambrosia do you suppose that is?'" God asked coldly. Satan looked at the glass in mock surprise. "You mean it's not yours? Dude, I thought I was bad. Who'd you pinch it from?" "What I mean is, the ambrosia is mine. And I did not offer you any. So you shouldn't have taken any." "Sorry, man, I'll put it back," Satan said, and promptly vomited the ambrosia he'd drunk back into the glass. "I'll pour it back in the bottle now." "No " too late, Satan had suited action to words. "Oh, hell, you may as well take it." "Thanks, dude," Satan said, placing the bottle in his satchel. "And hell's my address, not my title." "Have you any idea how instantly dated the slang you use sounds?" God spake, in irritation. "Yeah, right, real longhair stuff. Personally, I think slang is swell no matter how old it sounds. It goes so well with temptation, y'know? And I' m all that, y'know?" "Not everyone is tempted by your tired tricks, Satan." "Take the broomstick out of your butt, ya great pillock. Your followers only kiss your ass because you give them goodies. Take Job. Guy's got hot and cold running cows, land to graze them on, nice home life. Tell you what, make a bet with you, if Job doesn't get the nice 2

God of Doubt
John Watkins life he expects, I say he throws you over. Decides he's not that way about you at all. Put him on the wrong side of Lady Luck, see how much he likes you then." "There's no such thing as luck," God told him. "Do you know how the Lady feels when you say that?" Satan inquired. "And she can be real sweet, too. Tell you what, make it our usual bet. It ain't like you can't afford it, big daddy." "Job is a better man than you know. You shall eat your words, Satan" "I'd rather drink your liquor," Satan said. The scene shifted suddenly, and Satan was paying off his bet with God. "Job was steadfast, I admit it," he said. "I give you the bottle I owe you." God took the bottle and examined it with a look of distaste. "Go on, have a nip," the Prince of Darkness urged. "Get thee behind me, Satan" God replied. He turned and walked away, muttering, "Damned bottle looks a bit familiar."

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Satans version: "I wasn't anything like as powerful as God, which made my small victories all the sweeter. God's power isolated him, and his insecurities grew as time went on. Think of all you know about God. He demands that people worship him, he is subject to sudden rages, and when he contacts humanity, things seldom go well for humanity. In short, not a guy you want to work 3

God of Doubt
John Watkins for, but the only game in town. "One day, for example, he was depressed because it seemed like every day was exactly like the one before it. He started to wonder whether his current favorite, Abraham, liked him as much as he should. Abraham said he loved God, and he did all the usual things God expected of people who were courting Him, but God just wasn't sure Abraham was sincere. I mean, God thought, what if it wasn't so easy to do things for me, what if it was damned difficult to love me. I mean, sure, he'll do anything I ask, within reason, but what if I ask him to do something for me that's beyond reason? Like sure, he'll sacrifice a goat for me, and most likely eat the meat afterward, but what if it was something that really mattered to him? Like the skinny kid with the big feet, what's his name, Isaac, that's it, Abraham loves his kid, maybe more than me, what if I asked him to sacrifice Isaac? "So he told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, and kept it up until Abraham had almost killed the kid, then let him off the hook, and God backed off and didn't make him do it and almost instantly started to wonder if he was right about Abraham's willingness or if maybe he'd stopped the experiment too soon to be sure, so God sat around thinking about the relationship and wondering if Abraham really loved Him and Abraham in his heart of hearts thought, 'you know, I sure love God but he's gone a little strange lately and I hope he doesn't ask me to kill Isaac again because I really, really can't go through that again, choosing between my God and my son, it just seems psychotic, I mean child sacrifice is supposed to be what they do for B'aal, which is why I didn't get involved with B'aal, and how will I explain all this to Sarah? And now that I think of what she'll do to me I can't honestly say I'd make the same choice again if God asked me 4

God of Doubt
John Watkins to.' "Which God didn't, which was good, because after all that trouble God was still having his usual self-esteem issues, and I never said anything directly, but made it clear that I knew, and in my own snide way implied that everybody knew God was actually a big softy and anytime he asked some big favor he paid for it ten times over so it wasn't really like, you know, people were doing God a favor, because they knew God would pay off in the end, and overpay."

3 ********************************************************************** Some days, youve just want to wipe the slate clean and start over. This is fine if you are an artist. A couple layers of gesso on the canvas, and you can paint an entirely new picture. It saddened God that people didn't appreciate him as an artist. There were great debates over sin, and why, if God created man, man was so defective. That was easy to say if you had never created anyone. The nervous system alone was beyond most deities. If you got the level of defiance too low, all you made was a damned automaton. If you got it too high, no cooperation was possible and the whole show of civilization collapsed. And short of that, there were things that just seemed ugly to God. And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. So he decided to wipe the suckers off the face of the earth. Oh, maybe save some breeding stock so he didn't lose the whole experiment. So what if God got it wrong a couple times? If He couldn't start over, who could? 5

God of Doubt
John Watkins The first time it worked out okay. Noah wasn't the only one God told to build a boat. He was the only one who listened and obeyed. And God promised never to do such a thing again. But of course, he did. He was a bit hesitant at first and tried to make it look like he'd given Man every chance. He told Abraham that if he could find fifty righteous men in Sodom, he would spare the city. All he found was Lott, and Lott's sons in law wouldn't come with him, so it was just him, his wife and his daughters. Still, keeping the species going didn't look so bad, because Lott still had his wife. Only then she looked back at the city and turned into a pillar of salt. "You've done it now," Satan taunted him. "You didn't have to turn her into a pillar of salt. What's that about? All she did was look back." "She knew the rules." "Rules. You're all about the rules. What was the deal? You couldn't bear to have a witness to your handiwork, could you? You're not too shy to kill off most of humanity, but God forbid anyone should see it done. So it looks like this is the end of the line as far as humans go. Maybe beaver civilization will be more to your taste." But God couldn't start over with beavers. Instead, when Lott's daughters got him drunk and Lott got them pregnant, God said screw it, at least there will be kids. God liked kids. They were so unspoiled, at least until they started to think for themselves. God decided to reconcile himself to the fact that humans were a failure. They were bad to the bone, they had ugly thoughts, and the whole problem of sin was looking like a design defect. God hadn't completely given up on fixing the problem, but he wasn't going to take the approach of getting rid of the 6

God of Doubt
John Watkins defective ones and starting over any more. All humans were defective, and it seemed to be part of being human. He could have gone the extinction route he certainly hadn't hesitated to do that time and again but humans were so interesting. And let's face it, eternity is boring, and if he killed them off, there wouldn't be anything left but eternity. And some trees and beavers. He tried to explain it to Satan, but as usual Satan found a way to turn it against him. "So humanity is like what, a soap opera for you? They have all these odd urges and strange behaviors, and you made them so they could think, which is the worst thing you can do with interpersonal relations, you know how it works out when you overthink what you're doing. Plus you make it so they can talk, which means they can argue, which means you get politics and war. It's like you designed them to be miserable just so they would be entertaining. "But hey, it's your show. Just keep yourself entertained. Here's a tip that might help. I have here triple strength ambrosia, distilled from the finest nectar. And here I have the sour fruit of forbidden knowledge. Then finally, some salt. I put salt on the back of my hand near the thumb, bite the fruit, take a shot of the ambrosia, then lick the salt." He demonstrated. "Now you try." "Satan, where did you get that salt?" "Hey, it's not like Lott was going to eat it. Okay, okay, don't get wasted with me. Just sit back and watch your soaps. Like I said, it's your show." Satan's path as he staggered to the door would have been described by a mathematician as a random walk. Satan was right, of course, the defects that made humans a failure also made them the 7

God of Doubt
John Watkins stars of life's drama. And the whole point of Satan was to critique God's work and keep him from going overboard, which is why God made an adversary. But why had he made sin? Was there some internal defect in God himself that caused Him to make the creature he loved with such an ugly defect? When he exacted punishment from his creations, was he in some way punishing some part of himself? When you are human, you are responsible for all your actions and inactions. They define and reveal who you are. When you are God, you are responsible for everything. If you are omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and the creator of all things, all things are a part of you.

So what was it that he was punishing, and what was it that he could not forgive?