SantaRosa,CAJanuary2011

Abstract IntegralRelationships:AManualforMen
ResearchFocus:
Whyarethereanincreasingnumberofsinglesandunhappycouplesinoursociety (closeto50%oftheadultUSpopulationnowlivesalone,only15%ofcouplesexperience maritalsatisfactionoveranextendedperiodoftime,and50%ofmarriagesendin divorce)? Whydomanysinglewomenexperiencethattherearenogoodavailablemenoutthere? Whydomanymensuffermoreafteraseparation/divorceandduringsinglehoodthan womendo(thesuiciderateofdivorcedfathersistentimeshigherthanthatofdivorced mothers),butfrequentlycarelessaboutwhatmakesloverelationshipswork? Whydohumanscontinuetofighteachotheranddestroytheirecosystem? Whatcanmendotoaddresstheseproblemseffectively?

ResearchMethods:
DuringhundredsofdatesIaskedandlistenedtowomenabouttheirrelationshiphistory,what attractedthemtotheirpreviouspartners,whyandhowtheirrelationshipsended,whatthey hadlearnedfromtheirpreviousrelationshipsandwantedtododifferentnow,whattheir dreamsforthefutureandanewpartnerwhere,andwhyitseemedsodifficultforthemtofind anewsuitablepartner. SubsequentlyIfoundedsingles2couples.org,anAssociationforHealthyRelationshipsto exploreapproachestoconsciousrelationshipwithothersinglesandcouplesinweeklygroup meetings,oftenwithvisitingrelationshipexpertsandteachers. Ialsostudiedalargevarietyofrelationshipbooks,fromprofanetoacademic(myresearch librarygrewtoover200books),andattendedIntegral,spiritual,andrelationshiporiented workshops,seminars,conferences,andgroups.

Results/findings:
Despitethefactthattherearethousandsofrelationshipbooks(ofwhich90%arereadby women)whoofferamultitudeofapproachestohealthypartnerships,manyemotionallyand financiallyindependentmodernandpostmodernwomenhavegottentiredoftakingthelions shareoftheresponsibilityformakingtheirpartnershipswithmenwork.Suchwomennolonger wanttofeelmiserable,theyblamemenfortheirrelationshipproblems,leavethemin frustration(twothirdsofdivorcesandevenmorebreakupsbetweennonmarriedcouplesare initiatedbywomen),andprefertoremainsingleratherthanlivewithrelationshipmorons.

AmodifiedversionofKenWilbersIntegralmodelallowssinglesandcouplestointegrationall thedispersingperspectivesonloverelationshipsandprovidesthemwithananswertothe questionsaboutthemanyrelationship,andsubsequentsocioeconomicandenvironmental problemsthatwefacetoday. Theprimaryreasonfortheseproblemsliesinthedifferingsexualfantasiesofmalesandfemales asillustratedbelow:

Whilethemale/femalepopulationisratherbalancedinnumbers,anevergrowingnumberof sexuallyattractive,wellestablishedandindependentwomentrytoattractaneversmaller numberofsuccessful,goodlooking,charmingandavailablemenwithsocialstatusand financialwealth. ThesecondaryreasonisalackofIntegralunderstandingbymenaboutthedifferencesin humangrowthandpotentialsinmenandwomen.Integrallyinformedmencanmeetwomen withevermorepresence,curiosity,understanding,empathy,kindness,integrity,strengthand compassionattheirlevelofconsciousness,andsoreducetheirownandthesufferingofothers bymakingmoreresponsiblerelationshipchoices. IntegralRelationships:AManualforMen(andcuriousevolvingwomen)providesthefirst,andso faronlyIntegralapproachtoloverelationships. Themanualisbasedonfourgeneralpremises: 1. 2. 3. 4. Weareonlyselfawarethroughourrelationships. Weareheretoprocreateortosupportprocreation. Themeaningoflifeistogrowinconsciousnesstowardsawakeningtoourauthentic lifepurposeandfullcapacitytoloveunconditionally. Lovemaybeunconditionalbutrelationshipsarenot.

Setintothislargercontext,IntegralRelationshipsprovidesthereaderwiththefollowingIntegral mapoftherelationshipterritory: 1. Everybodyisrightfromtheirownview,andcertainviewsaremoreviable,accurateand inclusive(loving)thanothers. 2. Oursexualselectionprocess(menwantsexobjects,womenwantsuccessobjects)drove theevolutionofhumanity,anddeeplyimpactsoursocialbehaviorandculturalnorms tothisday. 3. Tounderstandthesexes,weneedtodifferentiatebetweenourhardwiredbiological differences,learned/conditionedculturalandsocialgenderroles,andthe feminine/masculinepolaritiesthatcanbeequallyembodiedbymenandwomen.

Feminine and Masculine polarities

4. Theprimaryemotionalreactioninrelationshipsisfearofabandonmentinwomenand shamefortheinabilitytomaketheirpartnerhappyinmen. 5. Humanshavemultiplecompetencies(skills,traits,intelligences,needs,passions,values etc.)calledlinesofdevelopment. 6. Compatibleinterests,passions,andneedsarecrucialforcouplestogetalong. 7. Developmentinthemajorlinesoccursinsequential,hierarchicalandpredictablestages. 8. Similarlevelsof(1)consciousness(fromarchaictomagic,egocentric,conformist, rational,pluralistic,integral,andtranspersonal);spiritual(fromgrosstosubtle,causal, witness,andnondual);(3)sexuality(fromrepressedsexuality,tofucking,havingsex, lovemaking,andtranscendental/tantricsexuality);and(4)anima/animuscomplex(in men:womenasmother,sexobject,wife,challenger,andequalpartner;inwomen:men asalienoutsider,fatherfigure,hero/husband,independentbeing,equalpartner)are crucialforrelationshipstothrive.Coupleswhoareatdifferentlevelsoftheirindividual developmentintheselinesoftenexperienceirresolvablerelationshipconflicts. 9. Loverelationshipsevolvethroughseveralphases(states),fromlusttoattraction, romance,conflict,engagement,andcommitment/marriage. 10. Individualshavedifferentpersonalities,indicatedbytypologiessuchasthenine Enneagram,sixteenMeyersBriggs,threeNLP,andFiveLoveLanguages.An

understandingoftheirdifferenttypescreatesmoretoleranceandempathybetween couples. 11. Thedemandsofwomentogettheirprimaryfantasymetbymenincreaseaswomen developinconsciousness(fromprotector,plusprovider,plussupporteroftheir fulfillment,plusalloweroftheirfreedom/independence),whileitstaysfairlyconsistent formen(sexualattractivenessandsupportofhismission/purpose). 12. Thefivestagesofsexual,spiritual,andanima/animuscomplexcandevelop independentlyateachleveloftheeightverticalstagesofconsciousnessdevelopment, creatinganextendedWilber/Combslattice. 13. Feminineandmasculinepolaritiesareshiftingdifferentlyformenandwomenduring growthinconsciousness(withacompleterolereversalinthepluralisticstage),and becomebothconsciouslyaccessiblebymalesandfemalesintheIntegralandhigher stagesofdevelopment. 14. Thecapacitytobalanceandharmonizethefeminineandmasculinepolaritiesateach levelofdevelopmentiscrucialforahealthypartnership. 15. Humansaresimultaneouslywhole/completeinthemselvesandpartoftheirculturaland socialenvironments. 16. Humanshavefouressentialdimensions,(1)anindividualmind(interior),(2)an individualbody(exterior),aswellasanextensionofthesetwodimensionsthroughtheir (3)collectiveinterior(culture),and(4)collectiveexterior(socioeconomicenvironment). Thesefourdimensionscanbegraphedasfourquadrants:

17. Thefourfeminineandmasculinepolaritiesneedtobeplacedseparatelyintothefour quadrantstobetterunderstandthedifferencesinourinteriorthoughts/feelingsand outwardbehavior. 18. Fiveformsoftheunconscious(includingshadows)pointtothecauseofthemagical, irresistibleandmagneticonenessthatinfatuatedloversexperiencetowardseachother throughtheirmutuallycompatiblepathologies. 19. Loverelationshipsareformedthrough(1)intimacyinthelowerleftwequadrant,the sexualpassionthroughthelowerrightitsquadrant,anddependencethroughan unconsciousfit.Thesethreedimensionsformametaphoricaltrianglethatindicateseight variationsofloveinkindanddegree(nonlove,friendship,infatuation,commitment, romance,crazylove,companionatelove,andintegrallove).

20. Malesandfemalesgrowdifferentlyinconsciousness(femalestendtotranscendand include,malestendtotranscendandexclude,andmalespioneeredhigherstagesof consciousnessinresponsetothesexualrewardsfromfemales). 21. Thegreatchainofbeingneedstobeseenasaprocessthatcontinuesfromhealthy individualstoresponsiblecoupleswhoprovidethefoundationforfunctionalfamilies, thrivingcommunities,diversesocieties,peacefulnations,andasustainablefutureforall humanity(whilerecognizingthatonlyindividualholonshaveadominantmonad). 22. Byaskingspecificquestions,mencanidentifytheneeds,passions,interests,levelsof development,state,type,andperspectiveofwomenthattheyrelateto,whichdefines theirKosmicAddress.Thisallowsmentomeetwomenwithevermorepresence, curiosity,kindness,strength,andintegrityattheirlevelofconsciousnessandtomake responsiblerelationshipchoices. 23. Acompatibilitymatrixprovidespointerstothepotentialconflicts,challengesandthe sustainabilityofrelationshipsbetweenmenandwomenatvariousstagesof consciousnessdevelopment. 24. Relationshipbooks(ofwhich30arereviewedinAppendixIofthemanual)addressmen and/orwomenatdifferentlevelsofconsciousnessfromvariousperspectives.These booksprovidehelpfulsupportforvariousrelationshipchallengesiftheiradviceisseen astruebutpartialandtakenintoalargerIntegralcontext.


The complete Integral Relationship modelset into a larger spiritual contextwith Kosmic address, triangle of love and compatibility matrix.

MainConclusion:
Thereisoverwhelmingevidencethatthesexualselectionprocessandthesubsequentco creationofmalefemalepartnershipshavedefinedourevolutionarypastandwillshapeour future.Onlyifmenlearnhowtomeetwomenattheirlevelofconsciousnesscantheysolvethe relationshipproblemsofthe21stcenturyandalleviatetheirownsuffering.Andonlyifmore humansenterintothetranspersonalandhigherstagesofconsciousnessdevelopmentin whichmentranscend(notrepress)theirdesperationaroundsex,andwomentranscendtheir desperationaroundaffirmation,andbothsexessubscribetoGenderMainstreamingwhich honorsthedifferencesbetweenmenandwomenwhilegivingthemequalsocialandpolitical rightsandresponsibilitiescanweeffectivelyaddresstheglobalchallengesthathumanityis facingtoday.

The12CoreValuesforIntegralRelationshipEvolutionariesbelowoutlinetherelationshippotentials forintegrallyinformedmenandpostpostmodern(evolved)women.Theywereinspiredby ElizabethDebolds10CoreValuesforEvolvingWomenwhichyoucanfindat www.integralrelationship.com/ten_core_female_values.asp 1. Wechoosetolove(insteadofsomethingthathappenstous)andseethequalityofour relationshipasanindicatorofourpsychologicalhealthandspiritualrealization. 2. WetranscendourprimaryfantasyandbaseourrelationshiponBeingvalues,versus material,sexual,oremotionalneediness. 3. Weuseourrelationshipforongoingmutuallearning,healing,growthandawakening towardsthecapacitytoloveunconditionally. 4. Weholdanevolutionaryperspectiveandhavereachedorstrivetowardsanintegral, transpersonalorhigherlevelofconsciousness. 5. Wecontinuouslydevelop,balanceandharmonizeourhealthyfeminineandmasculine polarities. 6. Wemeeteachotherasoppositesandequalstocreatesynergyatthelevelofallseven chakras. 7. Weshareapurposeforourrelationshipthatislargerthaneitherindividualandoffered inservicetotheworldforthegreatestgoodofthelargestnumberofpeople. 8. WesubscribetoanIntegralLifePractice(ILP)withmodulesforthehealthofourbody, mind,spirit/soulaswellasourshadow,ethics,sexuality,work,emotions,and relationships. 9. Wemakeanexplicitagreementtotell/listentoeachotherstruthswithouttheneedfor validationoracceptancefromourpartner,andtoownouremotionalreactionstoour partnersreality. 10. Wesetandrespecteachothershealthyboundaries. 11. Wesharematerialresourcesandpursueanenvironmentallysustainableandsocially responsiblelifestyle. 12. Weengageinsacred/tantricsexualityandpracticemonogamyoutofchoiceinsteadof fear. Contact/feedback/questions/suggestions: MartinUcik,SantaRosa,CA,martin@integralrelationship.com, www.integralrelationship.com skype:martinucik, Tel:7075662106