CADS REPORT

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK and the Netherlands from anonymous news sources. (Well...OK...sometimes we steal outright from Private Eye.)

non compus mentis

Dear CADS Crew, The Olympic games, the Queens Diamond Jubilee, CADS 40th birthday, the U.S. presidential election, the sinking of the Euro and the end of the world are just a few of the exciting events weve got planned for the rest of the 2012 voyage.

JAN 2012

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non compos mentis

GET ON IM BOA INT SORR RD OA Y, I CAP LIF H TAI EBO AVE F N! A AT AM AND LLEN ERM HEA HIT D. AID MY IS DON R T W EVIVE TRYING THE TO MO ORRY ME. NEY , HID I HAVE MY HEA DEN I ALL N... D... OH ! BAC K

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Dear Passengers,

CADS REPORT
January 2011 Issue No: Eight

ve a slig ht We appear to ha m w it h the te chnical prob le Euro.

aution, myself As a safety prec ficers are and my fellow of g ship in yo ur leaving the sinkin taking all the go od hand s and co in with us. this message in I hope yo u find time. this rum bottle in Bon voyage. Captain Crook

I name this ship Costa Euro. May God bless her and all who sink inher
Was the Captain showing off ? Disturbing claim that Costa Euro sailed too close to uncharted Italian rocks to wave at local mermaid. The vessel passed too close to the Italian Island of Corupti, sounding its whistle and waving at a local Italian mermaid prompting the mayor to send a congratulatory email to the captain for providing such a spectacle to tourists and fantastic entertainment. The energetic young Euro tried to do a backip in front of the mermaid, but immediately regretted it and pulled a back muscle, fell over and opped inelegantly onto one side, unable to move. A tting end a shallow performance, said one onlooker.

Hello Sailors, Well I dont know about you darlings, but Im often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly dammed hull after a nights cruising.

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PAG E 2

The Olympic games, theQueensDiamond Jubilee, CADS 40th birthday, the U.S. presidential election and the end of the world are just a few of the exciting events planned for 2012.
Its going to be a bumper year for events in the CADS 2012 calendar. Starting off with a lunch on January 27 with guest speaker Julian Tangaere, who will be talking about the Scott Base on Antarctica. Penguin suits or are not obligatory.
10,000 Santas stampede at Scheveningens New Year skinnydip. Mayan calendar predicts end of euro in2012.

In keeping with the freezing tone of this CADS report, I have to report that the mild weather encouraged record numbers of people to take part in New Year swims this year. In Scheveningen, the 10,000 tickets were sold out half an hour before the ofcial swim began, which has never happened before, an organiser said.
2012 is the year of weird as goat mates with spider.

New analysis reveals that the Mayan guy with his tongue sticking out is actually Greek and predicts that the 490bn eurosthat the Greeks owe will remain under their collective mattresses.
Dutch Fighter jets used to chase car thieves

The goat cannot dangle from the ceiling, nor does it have a taste for ies. The goat will instead produce milk that contains the spider silk protein. This "silk milk" will be used to produce a web-like material called Biosteel.
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Two F-16 ghter jets were involved in a chase to catch suspected car thieves in Zeeland. The jets were on the point of leaving on a training mission when they were called in to help track down one suspect who had disappeared after the stolen car crashed. A defense ministry spokesman said it is extremely unusual that jet ghters are used to help police give chase. Two suspects were arrested at the scene and the third was picked up later in the evening.
VISIT THE NEW CADS WEBSITE FOR A SUMMARY OF THIS YEARS UNMISSABLE EVENTS. PLUS NEWSWORTHY CAD-ASTROPHIES SPICED UP WITH THE USUAL RIVETING, LIBELOUS, SLANDEROUS NONSENSE.

http://cads-amsterdam.org

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PAG E 2

'Nerves and jealousy' at complex where 10 pensioners win New Year lottery jackpot of 20m.
'Nerves and jealousy'

Pensioners living at a sheltered housing complex in Breda are having to cope with unwelcome public attention and jealousy after winning this year's New Year lottery jackpot of 20m, the Volkskrant reports on Wednesday. I feel really weird about it. I've got strange prickly feelings in my legs,' Mrs Heinink, 91, told the paper. For the past two days, the pensioner has been a millionaire, and ended up getting her son to take her back to his home to escape the media attention. Others have also ed the glare of the cameras. And a 92-yearold man told the paper over the intercom he had not got a clue what it all means. 'My oldest daughter is taking care of everything,' he said.
Jealousy

Amsterdam canals are dangerous

Over the past three years, at least 51 people have drowned in Amsterdam's historic canals, according to a Telegraaf report. The paper says just one death was the result of a crime. All the rest were accidental and often involved drunken men relieving themselves over the edge and falling in. We know this, said an ofcial, because most of the bodies shed out have their ies open. Experts are calling for more ladders and life rings to be attached to the quays, the paper said.
Alastair Cook's wedding with a difference

But not everyone who lives at the complex took part in the lottery. Mrs Schets, 82, spent the whole day answering phone calls from friends and relatives who wanted to know about her win. 'Alas, I did not have a ticket,' she says. 'But that's life.'

England one-day captain Alastair Cook married his childhood sweetheart - and celebrated with a tractor ride. Many of Cook's England team-mates - Andrew Strauss, Jonathan Trott, Ian Bell, Matt Prior, Eoin Morgan, Ravi Bopara, Stuart Broad, James Anderson, Graeme Swann, Tim Bresnan and Steven Finn - attended the service at Stewkley Methodist Church in Buckinghamshire. They then joined dozens of well-wishers lining the streets as the happy couple shunned tradition to leave church on a tractor.

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Chairmans Corner
January 2012
The December Jokeathon was great fun, with over 40 in attendance; we started with an introduction sent by Bernhard Garside, who is now Deputy Ambassador in Algeria. And then made Willem honorary CAD number 8, and donated 1,300 Euros to John Cameron-Webb for his Benevolent Fund. The theme was ecological, with most of the jokes recycled, including Rene who got a special award for his parrot joke. We even recycled the winner, with Mike Hayes winning again - for his hunchback performance as much as his jokes.
2012 is a special year for CADS.

Some other dates for your diary: January 28th Burns Night at the British School in Amsterdam. Email kirsten.pyle@yahoo.co.uk for tickets. February 24th CADS lunch with speaker March 27th London Olympics Sports Relief Mile. Fun run in the Amsterdam Olympic Arena. Start training now. April 27th CADS Jubilee St Georges Day lunch. Prize for the most outrageous/patriotic English dress. May 12th CADS Jubilee Britannia Ball. Dinner dance details of venue later. June 29th CADS Jubilee boat trip. July 27th VRA vs Gloucestershire CB40 cricket. CADS Olympics lunch event, with coverage by Sky Sports. Sept 14th CADS Olympic golf competition hosted by CADS at HGC. Members and guests will additionally play for a London Olympic year trophy to be retained by the winner.

It is our 40th anniversary year, the Queens 60th Jubilee, and the year of the London Olympics. So lets make it a memorable one! For our lunch on the 27th January we have booked Julian Tangaere, head of the OPCW in The Hague. He is going to talk to us about Scott Base in Antarctica, where he was the leader until 3 years ago. Please confirm your attendance.
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Let me know if you want to help with, or sponsor, the May, July or September events. Best,

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