Memorable Quotes from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?

Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions,
banging into floats... scary.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow Rosenberg: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I
knew there was something I didn't know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow Rosenberg: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-ASkanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow Rosenberg: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[To Cordelia]
Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell
anyone you're a moron.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia Chase: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Alexander 'Xander' LaVelle Harris: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Faith: I've had my share of losers, but you--you boinked the undead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm
gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I *like* that feeling.
Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and *you* lose.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know? Do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...
Xander: Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: Ow.
Buffy: All right... yes, date, and shop and hang out and go to school, and save the world from
unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Oh, no... I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for
speaking it, right?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really and truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned
toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer
and had to be put down like a dog?

Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is
about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Hey! Look at us. We came up with a plan, a good plan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses!
Willow: I know! I can learn, and have scones!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: What should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... you know, I'm not thinking about class 'cause that
would never happen... I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops, it's like, freeze
frame: Willow kissage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow: I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: Where have you been pet?
Drusilla: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh huh.
Buffy: See? I told you... old reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: I-I didn't mean it as-Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable."
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at
regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot-Willow: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: Listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if-Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: ID.
[Anya glares at him.]
Bartender: ID.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: ID.
Anya: [sigh] Gimme a Coke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: You know this isn't your world, right? I mean, you know you don't belong here.
Vampire Willow: No. This is a dumb world. On my world, there are people in chains, and we can

ride them like ponies.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Vampire Willow: This world's no fun.
Willow: You noticed that, too?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Looking at the vampire version of herself from an alternate reality.]
Willow: That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: Ahhhh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Ah... God... I wish I was dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow: So, how did it go?
Xander: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: You're considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-commital sentences?
Oz: Could be.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: What do you want?
Angel: The same thing you do.
Buffy: Okay. What do I want?
Angel: To kill 'em. To kill 'em all.
Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But, you do get this watch and a year's supply of turtle wax. What I
want is to be left alone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Guess who our commencement speaker is?
Willow: Sigfreid?
Xander: No.
Willow: Roy?
Xander: No.
Willow: One of the tigers?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Everything has been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes...
for the last twelve years.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy
to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: You're going to die if you stay here.
Xander: I guess I might.
Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It's horrible! No wonder I used to get so much work.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on the-Buffy: Orders. I don't think I'm going to be taking any more orders. Not from you, not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face
of the Earth to do it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species,
and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: [sighs] I don't have a date for the prom.

Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales
pitch.
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell.
Buffy: No...
Angel: I'm wondering, where do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Faith: No one can stop the Ascension. Mayor's got it wired, B. He built this town for demons to
feed on, and come graduation day, he's gettin' paid. And I'll be sittin' at his right hand--assuming
he still has hands after the transformation, I'm not too clear on that part. And all your little lameass friends are gonna be kibbles 'n' bits.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow: This is so frustrating.
Oz: Nothing useful?
Willow: No, it's great. If we wanna make ferns invisible or communicate with shrimp, I've got the
goods right here.
Oz: Our lives are different than other people's.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I went to Angel's last night, and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate.
Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way.
Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the do that girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here.
Willow: I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see... is he
breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mayor Wilkins: I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. "Miniature."
"Golf."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mayor Wilkins: There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that factually
that's true.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow: When I'm with a boy I like I can't say anything cool, or witty--or at all. I can usually make
a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Okay, that was too close for comfort. Not that slaying is ever comfy, but... you know what
I mean.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: The world is what it is---we fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that.
Giles: I have to believe in a better world.
Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: I wish that Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
Anya: Done.
Cordelia: That would be cool. No wait, I wish Buffy Summers had never been born.

Anya: Done.
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that
Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done.
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men, except maybe the dumb and really beautiful kind, disappear off
the face of the Earth. That would be so cool.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: No, no, no way! I wish us into bizarro-land and you guys are still together?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Okay, not funny. Hey! You! Where did you put my car?
Custodian: Pardon?
Cordelia: My auto. El convertablo.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: I can not stress enough how much I don't have plans.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you Xand. I'm supporto gal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Isn't that what they called The Slayer?
Willow: Buffy, ohh scary.
Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: The Master arose. He let me live... to punish me. I kept hoping you'd come. My destiny...
Buffy: Is this a get-in-my-pants thing? You guys in Sunnydale talk like I'm the second coming.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: What's the plan?
Buffy: [holding a stake] Don't fall on this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anya: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?
Giles: Because it has to be.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I don't play well with others.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: I lurk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been such a long time. I mean, the last
time I tortured someone, they didn't even have chainsaws.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giles: Since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his sense of whimsy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Dorkhead? You lash me with your words!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Do---do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how
dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even
studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: No weapons... no friends... no hope. Take all that away and what's left?
Buffy: Me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: "Dear Buffy..." Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.

Angel: Lacks... poetry.

Spike: Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Drusilla: Say uncle. Oh, that's right, you killed my uncle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Principal Snyder: It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: Whatcha doin', love?
Dru: I'm naming the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day.
Dru: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: Who do you have to kill for fun around here?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Oz: So, do you steal weapons from the Army often?
Willow: Well, we don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: So when do we destroy the world, already?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with
my boyfriend!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow: It's like this dream I had about Xander... except that it wasn't about Xander, it was about
someone else; and it wasn't even me, it was a friend of mine and... she doesn't remember it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander Harris: Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks,
some blackboards, and some mean kids.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: So, are we going Bronzing tonight? Or of course, we could grind our enemies into
talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say, I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes. That's why one slays them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Vampire: Slayer.
Buffy Summers: Slayee.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow: Xander, wanna stay and help me?
Xander: Are you kidding?
Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: I can walk like a man but I'm not one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I lost a friend tonight and I may lose more! The whole world may be sucked into hell, and
you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho?! Let me take this opportunity to NOT care!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that
time.
Giles: Yes, do bring that up as often as possible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giles: I'll bring the weaponry.
Buffy: I'll bring the party mix.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Oooh gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal
surgery and it's my best day ever!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with deadboy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: It must have been wonderful. To put on some fantabulous gown and go to a ball like a
princess. And have horses and servants and yet more gowns.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy Summers: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy Summers: We saved the world. I say we have to party.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Add it up, it all spells duh.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Ahh, it's okay. Gave Cord and I chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Are you crazy? You just don't sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when
you walk, you stomp, or... yodel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Do you really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: God! I am so mentally challenged!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Hey, I know! Why don't you kill them?
Giles: I'm a Watcher, I haven't the skill.
Buffy: Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: How long do you think that he can stay angry at me anyway?
Willow: The emotional marathon man?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I didn't say that I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny
feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody want to make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many premade ones just laying around?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I gotta stop him before he unleashes unholy havoc and it's just another Tuesday night in
Sunnydale.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I may be dead, but at least I'm still pretty.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse and it's neither creamy nor
rinsy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I'm Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. And you are?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow, harsh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles.
Faith: I've seen him. If I would have known they came that young and cute, I would have
requested a transfer.
Buffy: Raise your hand if eww.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is if the old slayer dies.
Joyce: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: It was just for a few minutes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me.
Buffy: Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language,

adult content.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: You need a personality, stat.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Oh look, a bad guy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit because that's how stupid I feel like
saying this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: People to see, demons to kill.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn
things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: What's with all the tragedy masks?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey, what's with all the
sin." I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy, and the loud music us kids
listen to nowadays. Oh, I just suck at undercover.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: You read my diary? That is not OK. A diary is like a person's most private possession.
You don't even know what I was writing about. Hunk can mean a lot of things, bad things. And,
and when I said his eyes were penetrating, I meant bulging.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: A doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It stand for Achmed, a charming foreign
exchange student. And that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all...
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the
closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: You were spying on me? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say undead
American?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless,
they really deserve it or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone
else can hold me responsible...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Excuse me. Who gave you permission to exist?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Gee Xander, what are you gonna teach when you fail in life? Advanced loserbeing?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Hello, Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cordelia: I do what I want to do. And I wear what I want to wear. And you know what, I'll date
whoever the hell I want to date... no matter how lame he is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: I don't know. I just thought we were gonna do something, you know... classy.
Xander: What's classier than bowling?
Cordelia: Apart from everything ever?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: If we die in here, I'm gonna kick your ass, I mean it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on Lycra pants. And
Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: What are you doing? Are you going like stalkerboy on me now?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Willow, nice dress. Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with coffee?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Empada: You are strange.
Xander: Girls always tell me that... right before they run away.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giles: Alright. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the
vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giles: I suspect your mother would want to... put it on the refrigerator.
Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long, that was metaphorical, yes?
Buffy: Yes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning?
Giles: I hid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giles: This is the SATs, Buffy. Not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score can
seriously harm your chances of getting into college.
Buffy: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Joyce: Something's gonna eat those babies?
Snyder: I think that is so wrong.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Joyce: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with
Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Master: You were destined to die, it was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Nurse: What are you doing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oz: I can see why you would be upset. Oh, that was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Oz: It's Willow, she's nearby.
Cordelia: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume.
Oz: She's afraid.
Cordelia: Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
Oz: I really agree.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Oz: Looks dead, smells dead, yet it's moving around. That's interesting.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say,
"Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school,
horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back
making googly eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh yeah, you're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight,
and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends.
Love isn't brains, children. It's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's
bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No
one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets?
Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that
counts. That's when you find out who you are.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow Rosenberg: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Rupert Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A "bitca"?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow Rosenberg: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five
years.
Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've
learned to be afraid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Buffy: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay
that way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia: You sure don't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: How could you let her go?

Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not let her go.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: I don't get this. The candy is supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've
had a ton and I don't feel any diff-- nevermind.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no
muss, no fuss.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything
much besides "Doritos" and "chihuahua."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: The band, yeah. They're great. They march.
Willow: Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday's my life like, uh oh, pop quiz. Today, it's rain of
toads.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell,
even the school librarian sees more action than me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Well, 'cause you never know if a girl's gonna say yes or if she's gonna laugh in your face
and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one-Starbuck's town like Sunnydale.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Well, yeah. I'd give anything to be able to turn invisible. I wouldn't use my powers to
beat people up, but use my powers to protect the girl's locker room.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry, but never.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Where are you from? The country of white trash?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cordelia: I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me.
Lone fashionable wolf.
Xander: I like the maroon, has more dignity.
Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: I told one lie... I had one drink...
Giles: Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be
a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
Buffy: What? What do you think is happenning?
Angel: You're 16 years old, I'm 241.
Buffy: I've done the math.
Angel: You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want.
Buffy: Oh, no. I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
Angel: Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.
Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little bit late to be reading me a
warning label?
Angel: I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.
Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

[Angel grabs her and pulls her close, and she gasps]
Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you... you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live
happily ever after.
Buffy: No... when you kiss me, I wanna die.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Obviously you're not dating Cordelia.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: My boyfriend had a bicentennial.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: It is a statistical impossibility for a sixteen year old girl to unplug a phone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy: Oh, I know this one! "Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah bliddy blah, I'm so stuffy,
give me a scone."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: Ho Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giles: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence even.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: I did a couple of slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there it would've been
like Woodstock. I was at Woodstock. I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my
hand move.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Buffy reads her mom's thoughts]
Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had SEX with Giles?
Joyce Summers: It was the candy, we were teenagers.
Buffy: On the top of a police car?
Joyce Summers: I'll be downstairs.
Buffy: TWICE?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow Rosenberg: Harmony! I haven't seen you since, since...
Harmony Kendall: Graduation. ...Big snake, huh?
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Harmony Kendall: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony Kendall: Can I make him one?
Spike: No. On second thought, yes. Go make him a vampire. Take your time. Get Melanie and
the kids, too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Xander: I don't get your crazy system!
Giles: It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Would ya look at that!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willow Rosenberg: Personal question?
Xander: Yeah, shoot.
Willow Rosenberg: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were
you?
Xander: Willow, how can you -- I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque!
Willow Rosenberg: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick. I need help.
Willow Rosenberg: Don't I know it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Spike: The Ring of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Buffy Summers: When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a
cookie.