30 ROCK Part 2 of 2: "Back to the Future"

WGAw Registration #1402428

by Izmank

izmank@hotmail.com

TEASER EXT. THERAPISTS BUILDING - DAY LIZ is standing in front of the door, with her cellphone pressed to her ear, listening to someone on the phone and scanning through the doorbells with her index finger. Her finger stops on one name and she tentatively taps on it. CLOSE UP on the name: DR. MIRANDA SOLVS. LIZ (into phone) Hang on one second, please. Places the call on hold, and then dials another number. INTERCUT: INT. JENNAS APARTMENT - SAME TIME JENNA is working out on an elliptical/treadmill type of machine and watching TV. Her phone rings; she checks the caller ID and answers it. JENNA I knew youd call. LIZ Am I really doing this, Jenna? JENNA Liz, its time you start dealing with your issues. LIZ But its too expensive. JENNA Liz, do you remember that time when I was in one of the darkest places of my life when the lights went out in the middle of Mystic Pizzas final Broadway performance?

2.

LIZ (confused) Not really-JENNA And I had gained all that weight and after failing to keep it on to boost my career in a direction that only black actresses should be allowed, I had no chance but to lose it all quickly, remember? LIZ Yes, and? JENNA What you are about to pay for helped me tremendously when I most needed it. I owe every bit of my physical and mental health to this machine. (sotto) LIZ

Thats scary. JENNA It increases your stamina and your IQ, if you play the built-in Sudoku game. Or you can just watch a movieIt

comes with all three Lord of the Rings movies. should buy one! Come on, Liz, you

3.

LIZ I should, right? machine. Jenna, looking at the TV, suddenly grabs the remote and turns up the volume. JENNA Gotta go now, theres breaking news on Brangelina. Before Liz can say anything, Jenna hangs up. back to the other line. LIZ (into phone) Thank you for holding, Rajkumar. You Liz switches I need this workout

know what, just go ahead and process the order... (with Hindu accent) Thanks, you have a nice day, too. Liz hangs up the phone and presses the doorbell that says Dr. Miranda Solvs. INT. JACKS OFFICE - DAY JACK is at his desk, signing some papers. him on the intercom. JONATHAN (O.S.) (through intercom) Mr. Donaghy, Mr. Baldwins agent is on line one. Jack sighs and takes the call. JACK (into phone) This is Donaghy... Calm down... Why?..
(MORE)

JONATHAN buzzes

Wait, wait, wait.

4. JACK (CONT'D)

That possibility was clearly stated in the contract... Well, better him than

me... No, I will not meet that demand... I said no, good day. Hangs up. JACK (CONTD) (to himself) Celebrities and their ridiculous demands. Why would I wanna pay him a

hundred more dollars just because hes got bitten on a date? Jonathan buzzes again. JONATHAN (O.S.) (through intercom) CERIE from the writers office is... here. Did you order coffee or If you did, you may

something, sir?

want to tell me what it was, because she obviously forgot-As Jonathan chuckles: JACK (into intercom) Let her in, but first ask her what she wants to drink and then go get it right away. We hear a small squeal of embarrassment coming from Jonathan. Cerie enters Jacks office. Jack welcomes her with rose petals and sprinkles them on her. Then looks at her and flashes a big, pleasant smile.

5.

JACK (CONTD) Just wanted to make sure that I wasnt dreaming before. CERIE (tentative smile) This is a little weird. JACK Whats weird? CERIE You and I talking- I think weve done it only once before. JACK I know, I might as well be your emotionally distant father, right? And you might as well be a strip club owner. (off Ceries look) Im sure youd do better than just stripping. (then) You know whats crazy? All those

years you were right in front of all of us, but nobody noticed your talent, and you dont even have big, you know... (pointing to her breasts) ..., to distract people.

6.

CERIE Actually, I auditioned to be on The Girlie Show once. pretty well... CUT TO: INT. LIZS OFFICE - FLASHBACK Liz is at her desk, rolling her eyes at Jennas Performance. JENNA (in character) If you hire that tight bitch, I swear I will kill myself! (then; herself, composed) Id be totally cool if you hired that Josh guy, though. CUT BACK TO: INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JACK Dont worry, Cerie. come. Your time has I thought it went

You and FILF Island will

explode bigger than Liz and her talk show deflated! Cerie claps hands, jumps up and down in excitement. END OF TEASER

7.

ACT ONE INT. THERAPISTS OFFICE - DAY Liz, talking, sits on a worn-out couch. Dr. Miranda Solvs (late 40s; her hair is long, straight and pretty) sits in a chair, holding a book in her hand and carefully listening to Liz. LIZ After that, the images started to get really horrifying, and thats when I decided to seek professional help. DR. SOLVS (re: book) I see that you write. Are you a some

kind of relationship expert? LIZ Yes, but only if the ship is sinking. I tell my female readers when to jump off the relationship? DR. SOLVS Then what? Drown?

LIZ (has no answer; then) Dealbreakers: Volume Two- I guess. Coming soon. As Liz forces a nervous chuckle, Dr. Solvs puts the book down, and: DR. SOLVS You have what we call a blurred short memory, mixed with bits of visions.

8.

LIZ So, the bitch has a name. DR. SOLVS There is this technique that I use with all my clients experiencing similar problems. Its called Ask

the Child in You, and it works quite efficiently-Liz grabs her stomach and: LIZ Im not pregnant. I know Ive gained

a few pounds, but today I bought a workout-DR. SOLVS I meant the child in you that you kept alive over the years, because thats what we people do. LIZ Oh, okay. Then, I like the idea

because Im pretty sure most of my problems root back to my childhood. (another nervous chuckle) I was a weird one. DR. SOLVS See, thats where Im gonna prove you wrong, actually. We all convince

ourselves that we were...

(MORE)

9. DR. SOLVS (CONT'D)

off when we were little, but its usually the other way around. Like I

always tell Mary-Kate and Ashley: You girls were just fine as toddlers. Timer goes OFF, very loudly, Liz jumps. DR. SOLVS (CONTD) Our time is up for today. see you back tomorrow. LIZ OK, this was very-DR. SOLVS Im sorry, but our time is really up. (then) Im Jewish. Liz forces a smile and leaves the office in a hurry. INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - PAGE DESK - SAME TIME TRACY crosses to the page desk. working on an assignment. TRACY Kenneth, I want another baby. KENNETH (surprised and excited) I didnt know we already had one, Mr. Jordan. Can I rename it? Because I KENNETH is diligently Id like to

promised my Meemaw-TRACY With Angie, Kenneth.

10.

KENNETH Then, whats the problem, sir? I

thought you finally convinced Mrs. Jordan that she would do a great job raising another child alone. TRACY Yes, but now she says she doesnt want to lose her figure- How difficult would it be to find it? Itd be like

playing Marco Polo with Polo being all over the place. KENNETH You could always adopt, sir. TRACY (totally serious) Thats true, Kenneth. Who in their

right mind wouldnt wanna give their baby to a crazy mother f***** like me? Kenneth reacts to the f-word. TRACY (CONTD) Or, we could tamper with Angies birth control pills. KENNETH But, its a sin-TRACY I tamper with her stuff all the time. Its hilarious. CUT TO:

11.

INT. JORDANS MASTER BATHROOM - FLASHBACK (MORNING) Angie - just off the bed, hair all messed up - steps on the scale. Her eyes go wide as she reads the number. ANGIE (to herself) How the hell did I gain five pounds in my sleep?! CUT BACK TO: INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - PAGE DESK - CONTINUOUS Tracy laughs hard. TRACY I learned that from a movie. KENNETH I meant the pills, sir. Its a sin to

kill innocent baby-makers. (then) They all go to heaven, though. TRACY Then heaven must be a very sticky place, Kenneth. KENNETH I forbid myself from thinking of it until I get there, Mr. Jordan. TRACY So let me get this straight: you and I are both against Angies pills and youll help me tamper with them, correct?

12.

KENNETH No, sir-TRACY So, for the first time in the book of history, me and you Kenneth-the-page, are on the same page. Now tell me,

whats it like to be a crazy mother f*****? Kenneth reacts again, covers his ears. INT. LIZS OFFICE - SAME TIME Liz is at her computer; Jenna sprints in. JENNA Liz, did you hear about the latest news on Entertainment Sickly? LIZ You mean that pirate show that interrupts celebrity news to spread false rumors? JENNA Yes! Do you remember that one with

Rihanna? CUT TO: INT. JENNAS LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK Jenna, sitting on the couch, eats dinner and watches E! NEWS WITH GIULIANA RANCIC. We CLOSE UP on TV. (on TV) GIULIANA RANCIC

Now, heres the top ten celeb--

13.

All of a sudden, a video of Entertainment Sickly interrupts the broadcast stream of E! 40-something, nerdy-looking FEMALE HOST stands next to a PICTURE OF RIHANNA, and the title of the picture reads: GOOD GIRL GONE BEATEN HOST Today, pop-star Rihannas agent confirmed that shes working on a remake of Britneys first hit song: Hit Me Baby One More Time. She will duet

with Chris Brown, so the hit-couple can use the infamous real-time footage for their hit-video. (then) And yes, we intentionally used the word hit five times during this news report. Jenna cant believe what shes seeing and starts to laugh wildly, almost choking on her food and falling off the couch. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS LIZ Wow. What a way to send a message. JENNA They were just trying to raise awareness for domestic violence with that one. Todays is for a real

cause, and they teamed up with a huge celebrity couple. LIZ So, whats the news?

14.

JENNA Angelina Jolie is pregnant again! LIZ Get out! JENNA And this time her and Brad will do something that theyve never done before. LIZ What? Getting the coordinations of

the babys birthplace tattooed on Brads ass instead of Angelinas arm? JENNA No. They are gonna give the baby up

for adoption! LIZ So, theyve officially lost it. JENNA They just wanna show everybody how devoted they are to one of the biggest problems of the world. LIZ What? Bad parenting? JENNA No. Children being taken away from

their real parents.

15.

LIZ They are being hypocritical-JENNA Yeah, yeah, yeah. eight tomorrow. the adoption. She leaves Lizs office. INT. RESTAURANT - LATER Jack and Cerie are having lunch. JACK How old are you, Cerie? CERIE Twenty-two. Jack pauses for a beat, then: JACK Ill tell you a story that I dont usually tell anyonein love with a woman. CERIE (kidding) Boring. JACK Actually, let me rephrase that: I was in love with a crazy woman. CERIE Thats much more interesting. I once was crazy Ill pick you up at

Well go sign up for

16.

JACK She got pregnant on purpose to get me to marry her. We were both Catholics,

so abortion was not an option-CERIE So, what did you do? JACK Well, eventually I did go back to her after the miscarriage, but for some reason our relationship was never the same again. (sighs) Anyway, if shed had the baby, it wouldve been your age right now. CERIE Thats sweet. JACK So, I want you to trust me. I will

take care of you in your first big career move as I would do my own child in that crazy womans womb. EXT. BUILDING - THE NEXT DAY Liz and Jenna are standing in front of a building, in a huge line of people. LIZ This is crazy. Dont these people

have anything better to do?

17.

JENNA Shut up, shut up, shut up! coming out of the building. that Brad?! An UGLY MAN steps out of the building to make an announcement. Jenna BOOS him and throws an empty pop can at him. UGLY MAN (into megaphone) Folks, thank you for coming out here today. Remember, Brad and Angelina So, it won't be Someones OMG, is

want to see teamwork. only one person.

For example, they

may pick one from you guys... (pointing to a couple in line) ...and pick another one from you guys... (pointing to another couple) You know, after all, they are all about bringing people together. OK,

now I gotta go back in, thanks again for coming. LIZ This is outrageous! One day, Im

gonna write a book about this sick social experiment. JENNA And one day, I will read it to my biologically perfect child.

18.

INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - PAGE DESK - SAME TIME Tracy, furious, goes to Kenneths desk. TRACY Kenneth, didnt you promise me that you would help me with Angie?! said we were on the same page. KENNETH Sir, I said No. It starts with n, We

ends with o, and no letters in between. TRACY See, you did say on! KENNETH (realizes) Oh, I forgot that you are dyslexic, Mr. Jordan. Im so sorry-TRACY Well, thanks to you, I tampered with her hormone pills instead. Now the

inside of her mouth will get pink again! INT. STAGE - DAY Jack is on stage with Cerie, who is wearing a very sexy bikini for the promo shot. TWENTY-FIVE HORNY DADS and TEN HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS are there, too. Jack takes his cellphone out and dials a number. INTERCUT: EXT. STREET - SAME TIME Liz is crossing the street, going back to her place in line. Her phone rings. She checks the caller ID and answers.

19.

LIZ (into phone) Hi, Jack. while. JACK (into phone) I know, Lemon. How was your first We havent chatted in a

therapy session? LIZ Good. I think she wants to show me

that I was normal as a kid but not so normal now as an adult. JACK Tell her I said Good luck with the first one, and Duh! for the second. LIZ (enjoys the insult) See, I missed this, Jack. JACK Lemon, I forgot to tell you this before: Cerie and I are doing... business. LIZ Good lord, Jack! father! JACK What do you mean?! Who told you that? You could be her

I knew she was still too big to have lost the baby!

20.

LIZ Jack, I gotta go. Lets misunderstand

each other some other time, OK? Jack hangs up. He catches one of the horny dads starring at Ceries behind and slaps him hard on his head. EXT. STREET - SAME TIME Liz hangs up, too. finds Jenna. (acting) Oh, gosh! shame. She goes through the crowd in line and LIZ

Some gay guys have no

They were using the womens Thats why it took foreve-JENNA

bathroom.

I can see the pizza crumbles on your coat. Im so upset right now. LIZ

(guilty) Dont be.

I was just hungr-JENNA

I just found out that they are not giving up the baby. LIZ Then, whats this huge line for? JENNA They want people to submit a name for it. A first name and a middle name.
(MORE)

21. JENNA (CONT'D)

They will pick two suggestions and combine them, that's what that ugly guy was explaining. LIZ Well, Im still writing my book. JENNA Or maybe Im being punkd. As she frantically looks around: JENNA (CONTD) Ashton, I swear to God Ill make you eat that camera this time! INT. STAGE - LATER Cerie is on stage, finishing the promo. Jacks standing on the side, watching. Cerie lays down on the floor, which is covered with bluescreen type of material, and delivers her last line as the cameraman tapes her from up top: CERIE (looking into the camera, super sexy) Are you ready to play? DIRECTOR OK, thats a wrap, everybody, great job! Cerie crosses to Jack, and he immediately puts his jacket on her to cover her body. JACK You were great, Cerie! I still cant

believe no one had discovered you before.

22.

CERIE Thank you. JACK Usually, once youre hired as an assistant, its only a matter of time before someone notices your talent. Look at Jonathan, he used to only answer phones but now writes my letters, too. CUT TO: INT. JONATHANS DESK - FLASHBACK Jonathan is at his desk, handwriting a letter. playing a romantic song. He reads is out loud as he writes: JONATHAN Dear Jonathan, I wanna hold you and-CUT BACK TO: INT. STAGE - CONTINUOUS JACK Maybe I should reconsider that. CERIE I think Jenna noticed my talent... CUT TO: INT. WRITERS ROOM - FLASHBACK Jenna walks by Ceries desk, whos polishing her nails, and grimaces at how pretty she looks. Then: Radio is

23.

JENNA You look much better behind that desk than you would do in front of a camera. CERIE (flattered) Really? JENNA Yeah, the lighting here is much better. Plus, each camera adds ten

pounds and you never know where. Cerie smiles and looks down on her relatively flat chest. JENNA (CONTD) And its never to your chest. Ceries smile disappears. JENNA (CONTD) I think you should just marry rich and design handbags. Cerie seems to like the idea. CUT BACK TO: INT. STAGE - CONTINUOUS CERIE I knew it was her insecurities talking, but I didnt want her to get hurt, so I decided to stay behind the desk.

24.

JACK Pretty, talented and bighearted. (then) If you want to become a real star, get rid of the last one. CERIE But-JACK Brangelina is all a hoax. they did to New York today. Look what Even my

mother flew in from Florida for that baby. The same woman, who, despite of

her religion, tried to abort me three times, once right before the delivery. INT. THERAPISTS OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY Liz and Dr. Solvs are in session. The old couch is replaced with a brand new one, and Liz is laying on it. LIZ (re: couch) Wow, this is very comfortable, must have cost a lot. DR. SOLVS Before we get into your childhood, tell me about the balance between your personal life and your job.

25.

LIZ Well, there isnt one. Since TGS,

Ive had only two serious relationships. for Cleveland-DR. SOLVS Ouch. LIZ And the second one wouldnt let me burst his bubble. DR. SOLVS Lets not get into sexual problems today. LIZ So, having a personal life was my past. My job is my now-DR. SOLVS And your future, if you dont change how you live your life. I think that The first one left me

is what your bodys warning you about. Every time you try to remember something about your past, youre subconsciously seeing a glimpse of your future. A miserable future with

all those crazy people at work that you slave yourself over by dealing with their problems, insecurities and--

26.

LIZ (gets it) Im off the ship and now Im drowning... DR. SOLVS Exactly. (scared) LIZ

What am I gonna do?! DR. SOLVS Lets see what the child in you has to say. Close your eyes... clear your

mind... and think of your childhood. Liz closes her eyes. After a few beats... DR. SOLVS (CONTD) Now tell me whats the little Liz doing. CUT TO: INT. YOUNG LIZS HOUSE - FLASHBACK The door is open; OFF-CAMERA MOTHER welcomes THREE EIGHT-YEAROLD GIRLS into the house. They all look cute and friendly. MOTHER (O.C.) (calling) Sweetheart, your friends are here. Are you girls gonna act out the skits we watched last night? EIGHT-YEAR-OLD LIZ comes into scene.

27.

EIGHT-YEAR-OLD LIZ No, mommy. Well go to my room and

play with our dolls, and then braid each others hair. CUT BACK TO: INT. THERAPISTS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz awakes. LIZ Thats not true. friends. Ive never had any

Id play with dolls, but

only to make them act out some Rosemary-Howard-skits Id watch on TV, just like my mom said. DR. SOLVS Or, maybe thats what you choose to remember, because you have this desire to perceive your little-self as weird. LIZ (confused) That cant be true. DR. SOLVS Lets try again. Lay back, please.

Liz does so and closes her eyes. CUT TO: INT. SHOPPING MALL - CHRISTMAS - FLASHBACK EIGHT-YEAR-OLD LIZ climbs up on the DEPARTMENT STORE SANTAS LAP and gives him a warm hug.

28.

(to Liz)

MOTHER (O.C.)

You didnt have to sit, you couldve just shaken his hand-FATHER (O.C.) Let her be herself, honey. EIGHT-YEAR-OLD-LIZ (to Santa, still hugging) Its so nice to see you again! CUT BACK TO: INT. THERAPISTS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz jumps awake. LIZ (petrified) What the hell is going on?! Timer goes OFF. DR. SOLVS Well get into that tomorrow. END OF ACT ONE

29.

ACT TWO INT. JENNAS DRESSING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY Jenna, sitting on the couch, eats lunch and watches E! NEWS WITH GIULIANA RANCIC. We CLOSE UP on TV. (on TV) GIULIANA RANCIC

Now, heres the top ten celeb-All of a sudden, a video of Entertainment Sickly interrupts the broadcast stream of E! The same female host stands next to a PICTURE OF BRANGELINA, the title of the picture reads: LESSON LEARNED, AMERICA? FEMALE-HOST America is furious over the worlds biggest celebrity couples prank. Lets hear it from regular people on the street. We CUT TO a video, showing interviews with REGULAR PEOPLE on the street. First: MOONVEST (speaking to a camera) I can't believe they had us all wait outside in the cold for hours and then said "Sorry, no adopting, no name submitting, it was all just a joke, go to your homes now. a home! Then: JENNA (speaking to a camera) I feel humiliated! baby! Im gonna sue that I dont even have

30.

Video ends, back to the female host. We are still on the TV, but we can hear JENNAS VOICE in the background. JENNA (O.C.) (CONTD) Regular people? FEMALE HOST The couples rep announced that their only intention was to show the world how obsessed we are with unimportant things in life, such as celebrity pregnancies, their break-up or hook-up rumors and sex tapes; all the while we are totally ignorant to the world's real problems like wars, poverty, global warming and sexless couples. (then) Now lets see what the celebrities had to say about this prank. Nicole Richie. We pull from the TV back to Jenna. JENNA (shocked) Regular people?! She cant believe what she just heard and starts to cry wildly, almost choking on her food and falling off the couch. INT. 30 ROCK - MAIN HALLWAY - LATER Jack and Liz are walking and talking. First up is

31.

LIZ How could that be possible, Jack? could I not remember what kind of child I was? JACK Lemon, you also thought you were the lovable nerd in high school, but then turns out you were a bully. LIZ That is true... Jack, can I just take I wanna go How

the rest of the day off?

home and relax before my therapy session later. JACK Why do you have to go everyday? Does

she have a new couch to pay off or something? Jenna comes up to them before Liz could answer.. Her bangs are spiked up a la Cameron Diaz in Theres Something About Mary. JENNA Liz, you know-JACK Jenna, whats on your hair? JENNA Its just this hair gel I found in mens bathroom when I locked myself in to cry. (then)

(MORE)

32. JENNA (CONT'D)

Liz, you know how I always felt about bringing another human being into this world where the resources are scarce-LIZ And, by scarce source you mean attention? JENNA Yes, why would I wanna share it a with a bold-headed toy with a heart beat? But then, I realized that its actually the exact opposite if you are a celebrity. RichieI mean, look at Nicole

She was nobody before she had

those babies-JACK Not true, she was on that reality show with Paris Hilton-JENNA And now she is famous and married to a rock star-LIZ Also not trueone hit song. JACK (chuckles) Jenna, we are talking about you.
(MORE)

That man does not have

33. JACK (CONT'D)

So, unless the father is willing to do more than... (pointing to her bangs) ...that, dont you think its too big of a responsibility for just one person? JENNA Oh, dont worry about that. According

to my stalker Yolandas blog, Im gonna die young. So its not like the

baby is gonna have to take care of me forever. LIZ Ugh, I hate it when she makes sense. JENNA Anyway, my question to you guys is, what does my contract say about me getting pregnant? LIZ It says youd get fired before you even grab your ankles! JACK Not true, Lemon. That would be

discrimination. (to Jenna, re: contract) It says that you cannot be pregnant for nine straight months.

34.

JENNA Then you guys are leaving me with only one option:... DR. SPACEMAN. JACK (concerned) Oh, no. LIZ Well, thats it. Im going home. I

cant take this place anymore! Liz walks away. INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - PAGE DESK - MOMENTS LATER Jenna walks up to Kenneths desk. JENNA Kenneth, Im going to Dr. Spacemans office, and there is a big possibility that Ill come back pregnant. KENNETH You sound like my mother when she said she was going on a date with her friend, Ron. JENNA I dont wanna go through this alone, Kenneth. Youre coming with me. KENNETH I cant, Ms. Maroney. With my page He seems very busy.

duties and now Ceries, Im swamped. Who knew she had so many tasks to complete everyday?

35.

JENNA Why? (suspicious)

Where is she? KENNETH Oh, you didnt hear? JENNA Hear what, Kenneth? Kenneth struggles to come up with a lie, then: KENNETH She went out to get donuts, but then... got hit by a big yellow school bus. JENNA (relieved) Oh, OK then. Tracy comes up. JENNA (CONTD) Tracy, would you like to have a baby with me? TRACY My prayers are answered! Feels her bangs, then: TRACY (CONTD) Sticky! heaven. You are definitely sent from Lets go get you pregnant!

Jenna and Tracy run off. Kenneth is full of joy, almost in tears, because of this heavenly hook-up.

36.

INT. LIZS APARTMENT - LATER Liz is on her new exercise machine, trying to work out and play the built-in Sudoku game. Cant keep up, almost falls off the machine. LIZ Damn it! Turns off the Sudoku game and hits the button on the screen that says Movies. A scene from THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN ON THE KING pops up. Lizs POV: Focus on the scene on the little screen. ARWEN sees a LITTLE BOY running across the forest. She watches him for a few seconds, then turns around and rides her horse back to RIVENDELL to see her father, ELROND. AT RIVENDELL: ARWEN You have the gift of foresight. did you see? ELROND I looked into your future, and I saw death. ARWEN Theres also life. a child. You saw there was What

You saw my son. ELROND

That future is almost gone. ARWEN But it is not lost. Then we pull back. LIZ Ugh, what a cheesy scene!

37.

Liz turns the movie off and gets off the machine. LIZ (CONTD) And speaking of which... Liz goes into her kitchen... INT. LIZS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Liz, sweaty and tired, opens the fridge and sees that its empty. Her eyes go wide as she SCREAMS her head off, then: LIZ Dumb bitch, you still forgot to shop! INT. DR. SPACEMANS OFFICE - SAME TIME Dr. Spaceman is at his desk; Jenna and Tracy are seated across from him. DR. SPACEMAN I have the perfect solution to your predicament, Jenna: Abortion/CSection. JENNA (excited) Go on. DR. SPACEMAN Youll be pregnant only for four months, then we will take the baby out and just find a way to keep it alive. This way, you keep your job and still get the full attention of being a pregnant celebrity. It also comes

with glowing breasts and enlarged skin. The full package.

38.

TRACY Thats awesome! Its like riding a

roller-coster and jumping off halfway through! DR. SPACEMAN Exactly. JENNA Dr. Spaceman, knowing you..., how dangerous is the procedure? DR. SPACEMAN It solely depends on your celebrity level. TRACY Shes a solid D. JENNA (pleased with the answer) Thank you, Tracy. DR. SPACEMAN (to Jenna) Have you ever met Kathy Griffin? JENNA No, but I read in her blog that she stalks Yolanda. DR. SPACEMAN Im afraid that doesnt count. As he marks Jennas form: DR. SPACEMAN (CONTD) Im putting an E.

39.

JENNA (hopeful) E for Easy? DR. SPACEMAN Or Extremely dangerous. (smiles, then) Ill let you pick. INT. THERAPISTS OFFICE - LATER Liz is laying on the couch again, eyes closed. DR. SOLVS Well, were almost running out of time, but lets try one more time. Focus hard and tell me what you see. CUT TO: INT. LIZS HOUSE - DAY The same eight-year-old GIRL from the previous scenes is sitting on a couch, watching a sketch comedy, in which we see people running one way, while NIXON trying to go the other way and asking to be pardoned. NIXON Pardon me. GIRL IN A BIKINI Pardon you? pardoned. She turns over her shoulder and calls to her mom. (bored) EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GIRL You were already

Mom, I dont get it. Then, OLDER-LIZ comes into scene and sits next to the kid.

40.

LIZ Honey, we watched this DVD before. Remember, I said President Ford had already pardoned him? CUT BACK TO: INT. THERAPISTS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Liz jumps awake. LIZ OMG! I get it now!

Timer goes OFF. DR. SOLVS (excited) What did you see?! LIZ Sorry, time is up. As she gets up and grabs for her purse: LIZ (CONTD) And I think this was our last session, cause I just saw my life jacket. As she exits: LIZ (CONTD) Good luck with paying the couch off. Dr. Solvs reacts. INT. DR. SPACEMANS OFFICE - SAME TIME Dr. Spaceman holds a cup in his hand. DR. SPACEMAN Artificial insemination. Are you sure

you both wanna go through with this?

41.

Jenna and Tracy look at each other, then: JENNA/TRACY Yes. Dr. Spaceman gives the cup to Jenna, and as he points to a room: DR. SPACEMAN Jenna, please go in there and fill this up. Dr. VICKI put out some dirty

magazines to stimulate your senses. Tracy holds Jennas hands, Jenna looks at him and nods, then Tracy lets go of her. Jenna walks into the room. INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - SAME TIME Cerie, still in a bikini, flirtatiously talking to ONE OF THE CREW MEMBERS. Jack notices that and: JACK Whats going on here? CERIE Just exchanging numbers. JACK Thats enough, young lady! grounded! You are

Go to your dressing room! CERIE

Jack, you cant control my life.

Im

old enough to make my own decisions. JACK Oh, yeah? Then Im shutting it down,

no more FILF Island.

42.

CERIE But the promo is set to air on NBC, today. JACK Doesnt matter! You are going back to

being Lizs assistant, and I want you to dress and eat like her from now on! INT. DR. SPACEMANS OFFICE - SAME TIME Jenna is still in the other room. Dr. Spaceman takes a book off the bookshelf and gives it to Tracy. DR. SPACEMAN I want you to start reading this book, Tracy. It doesnt necessarily apply

to you and Jenna, but youll still find some very good parental advice. Tracy examines the book for a few seconds. Tracys POV: We see that the title of the book is PARENTAL ADVICE FOR INTERRACIAL, UNMARRIED, SEXLESS TV CO-STARS: IF YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT, DONT BREAK IT. On the cover, Dr. Spaceman is holding a NAKED, BIRACIAL BABY in his arms. Dr. Spaceman has a big smile on his face, and the baby looks scared. INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - SAME TIME Jenna is nervously sitting in a chair; her face is buried in her hands. Then, she sighs heavily, gets up and walks to the table, which has dirty magazines and the cup on it. As she picks up the cup: JENNA Im really doing this, I guess. Then her eyes catches something on the TV mounted up on the wall.

43.

We focus on the TV: Its the promo of FILF Island. Cerie, laying on a water-bed, is covered with rose petals, and has never looked better. CERIE (super sexy) FILF Island: Twenty-five horny dads and ten high school cheerleaders-Before Cerie can finish, the water-bed breaks and Cerie falls in. Water splashes everywhere, and with the water effect, the scene transitions onto an EXOTIC ISLAND. Cerie, sporting a bikini, is now laying on the beach, and soft waves are washing off the rose petals. Then, she finishes her line: CERIE (CONTD) Are you ready to play? We pull back to reveal Jenna storming out the door... INT. DR. SPACEMANS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Dr. Spaceman and Tracy are still seated and waiting for Jenna. She storms in. JENNA I cant do this! That blonde bitch is

trying to ruin my career! She storms out the office. examination room, then: Dr. Spaceman peeks into the

DR. SPACEMAN (calling after her) That was just Dr. Vicki! She means no

harm, just likes to watch. (then to Tracy) I told her to hide well. TRACY (holding the book) Dr. Spaceman, I just finished reading the title.
(MORE)

44. TRACY (CONT'D)

And, I know its racist to judge a book by its cover, but this babys color is off. out, too. Drops the book and hurries out the door. END OF ACT TWO I dont like that. Im

45.

TAG INT. JACKS OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY Liz and Jack are in the middle of a conversation. LIZ (excited) I was seeing my daughter all along! JACK Good lord, Lemon. What is this, a

cheesy The Lord of the Rings remake? LIZ Im going to have a daughter, Jack! JACK Its a very difficult job to raise a daughter in this world, Lemon. me, experiences talking. LIZ A normal- well, maybe a little bit too normal for my taste- and beautiful daughter. JACK Its very hard to believe. LIZ It doesnt matter how crazy or unbalanced my life is now, because I know that one day Ill have my happy ending, Jack. Trust

46.

JACK And a husband, huh? as well? LIZ No, but it doesnt matter. be anybody-JACK (disturbed) What do you mean anybody? LIZ You know-(then gets his point) Oh, no, Jack, dont be gross. Plus, I He could Did you see him

wouldve recognized that deep voice-JACK Did you recognize your own voice? LIZ (her turn to be disturbed) Yeah... of course, I did... right away. Jack. JACK (still disturbed; as she leaves) See you, Lemon. Credits start. FADE TO BLACK. I-I gotta go now. See you,

47.

LIZ (V.O.) Yikes! THE END