Amery, Jean - On Aging, Revolt and Resignation - 1968

On Aging
V1L11 IL V1>1LI11LI
Jea Amcry
1PNoLP1I1 Y JLHN 1. PLLY
Indiana
|nivcrsiq
Prcss
BLOOMINGTON AND INDIANAPOLIS
Originally published as Ober das Alter. Revolte und Resignation.
C 1968 Erst Klett Verlag fiir Wissen und Bildung GmbH. Stuttgart
English translation C 1994 by John D. Barlow
All rights reserved
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The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of
American National Standard for Information Sciences-Permanence of
Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI Z39.48-1984.

NANAL1UHLO N 1HL UN1LO 51A1L5 L ANLBLA
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Pblication Data
Amery, Jean.
rOber das Alter. English]
On aging : revolt and resignation I Jean Amery; translated by
John D. Barlow.
p. cm.
Includes bibhographical references.
ISBN 0-253-J0675-2 (cloth)
1. Old age-Psychological aspects. 2. Aging-Psychological
aspects. I. Title.
BF724.8.A4813 1994
155.67-dc20
93-41804
2 3 4 5 99 98 97 96 95
J'avais vecu comme un
peintre montant un chemin qui surplombe
un lac dont un rideau de rochers et d'arbres lui cache la
vue. Par une breche il l'apen;oit, il l'a tout entier devant
lui, il prend ses pinceaux. Mais deja vient la nuit ou l'on
ne peut plus peindre et sur laquelle Ie jour ne
se relevera plus!
-Proust, Le Temps retrouve
I had lived like a painter
climbing a road overhanging a lake, a view
of which is hidden from him by a curtain of rocks and
trees. Through a gap he catches a glimpse of the lake, with
its whole expanse before him, and he takes up his brushes.
But already night is coming, the night in which he will
not be able to paint anymore and upon which
no day will follow.
-Proust, Time Regained
Contents
TRANSLATOR
'
S PREFACE ix
TRANSLATOR
'
S INTRODUCTION | X
PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION xix
PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION | xxi
Existence and the Passage of Time 1
Stranger to Onesel 2
The Look of Others >9
Not to Understand the World Anymore
To Live with Ding 1U9
NOTES 129
TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE
!n makng ths transIaton ! havc bccn mndIuI oIthc Iact that,
bcgnnng wth At the Mind's Limits, aII scvcn oI Amcrys scII-
contancdbooks camc nto bcng orgnaIIy asrado taIks. Each
cssayorchaptcrn cach onc oIthcms abouttwcnty-hvcpagcs
Iong, bascaIIy what Amcry couId rcad ovcr thc rado n just
undcranhour. Thcyhavc anntmatc, convcrsatonaIstyIc that
mghtnotbcprcscnt nwrtngsncvcrntcndcdtobcrcadaIoud.
Anyonc who has hcard Amcry rcad ovcr thc rado or hcard
rccordngs oIhs rcadngsknowsthcpartcuIarIymcIanchoIyand
rcIIcctvc prccsonoIhs vocc and thc hoId t can havc on thc
Istcncr.!ntransIatng, !havc trcdto rctan ths tonc as muchas
possbIc, cvcn n thosc occasonaI passagcs that sccm Icss con-
vncng, ordatcd, ormorcdcpcndcnton stcrcotypcaI cxampIcs.
EvcnthoughtsAmcrys practcc nCcrman to uscgcncrc
snguIars, ! havc trcd to usc thcm onIy occasonaIIy, partIy to
avodthcmpIcdgcndcrprcIcrcncc, butaIsobccausc ! hndIrc-
qucnt uscs oI gcncrc snguIars and nomnaI adjcctvcs cIumsy,
cvcn pompous, n EngIsh. Furthcrmorc, to say agng pcrsons
arc IkcIy . . . " sounds Icss swccpng than thc agcd pcrson s
IkcIy. . . . " ! hopc rcadcrs donot IccIths tobcanunncccssary
voIaton oIAmcrysntcntons.
!wouIdIkctothankthrccpcrsonsnpartcuIarIorthcrasss-
tancc n ths projcct. John CaIIman, Drcctor oI thc !ndana
UnvcrstyPrcss andcdtoroIthspubIcaton, Iorhsassstancc
andcncouragcmcntandIorbcngsuchasupcrbcdtorandun-
vcrstyprcss drcctor, NormaDrakc, Ior cIcrcaI assstancc, and
cspccaIIyPatBarIow,IormanyIormsoIhcIpandadvcc.
TRANSLATOR'S INTRODUCTION
CacomoLcopard,whosuIIcrcdIromnumcrousphyscaIaImcnts
bcIorchsIIc cndcdatthc carIyagc oIthrty-cght, stIIwrotcn
hsPensieri thatoIdagcwasthcgrcatcstcvI,Iarworscthandcath.
ToLcopard,oIdagcstrppcdhumanbcngsoIthcrpIcasurcs,but
IcItthcmthcrappcttcsandbroughtthcmcvcrykndoIsorrow.
HcwaspcrpIcxcdthatanyoncwouIdIcardcathandwantoIdagc.
!nwhatwasonoIhsIastpocms,hcwrotchowthcgods,thnk-
ngthatthchumancondtonwouIdbctoobIcsscdandIuIIoIjoy
IyouthcouIdIastandthatancarIydcathwouIdbctoomId, dc-
cdcdtontroduccastrongcrdoomthantcrrbIcdcathtscII" .
And so thc ctcrnaI oncs
!nvcntcd thcworstcvIknown, thatht
CrcatonoIunagng souIs-oId agc.
Thcstatcnwhch dcsrc
Rcmansntact, ourhopcsbccomccxtnct,
Thc sourccs oIourjoy run dry, ourpans
!ncrcasc, and good comcs notagan to us.
ThssnotavcryhappyorconsoIngvcwoIoIdagc, andts
madc cvcn morc dsmaI bythc Iact that tsauthor, whIc ncvcr
cxpcrcncngoIdagcchronoIogcaIIy,couIdtcIIIromthccxpcr-
cncc of hs youth, wrackcdwth pans and mscrcs smIar to
thoscoIoIdagc,WhattmghtbcIkc.YctmostsocaI,psychoIog-
caI, and rcIgou programs oIconsoIaton try to ovcrcomc ths
vcwoIoIdagc.I stoohopcIcssandgIoomy.Furthcrmorc, nso-
cctcswhcrcoIdagcsbccomngmorcandmorcthcnormrathcr
thanancxccpton, tsncccssaryto rcsstthcdcbItatngcIIccts
x Translator's Introduction
oI a propcnsty to dcprcsson and sorrow that couId aIIIct thc
IargcstproportonoIthcpopuIaton.NoncthcIcss,Lcopardsvcw
snotmuchdIIcrcntIromthatprcscntcdbyJcan Amcrynthc
pagcsthatIoIIow,cxccptthatAmcrywrotchsbookwhcnhcwas
hIty-hvc. HcwasnotsuIIcrngIroma dcbItatng dscasc, andhc
had survvcd thcworst socaI nghtmarc magnabIc. torturc, dc-
portaton, and ntcrnmcnt n Auschwtz. !t s possbIc that hs
AuschwtzcxpcrcnccmadchmcxccptonaIIysusccptbIctocvcn
thc sIghtcst ndcatons oIthcdccduousncssoI agng. Hc wrotc,
aItcr aII, thathcbcIcvcd that n Auschwtzwc ddnotbccomc
bcttcr, morchuman, morchumanc, andmorcmaturc cthcaIIy.
Youdonotobscrvcdchumanzcdmancommttnghs dccds and
msdccdswthouthavngaIIyournotonsoInhcrcnthumandg-
nty pIaccd n doubt. Wc cmcrgcd Irom thc camp strppcd,
robbcd, cmptcdout, dsorcntcd. . + . !ts aIsopIausbIcthat, n
sptc oI survvng thc HoIocaust, hc rctancd scars that IcIthm
cspccaIly mpatcnt wth thc onsct oI thc nconvcncnccs cx-
pcrcnccdbyhumanbcngsnthcrhItcs.Furthcrmorc,asAmcry
statcsn thcpagcsthatIoIIow, hc Iound thc terror oI hs cxpcr-
cnccsatAuschwtztobcquaItatvcIydIIcrcntand, ncrcdbIcto
say,IcsshIIcdwthntcrnaIhorror andanguish thanthccxpcrcncc
oIagng.To ths canbcaddcda Iascnatonwth dcath, pcrhaps
best acknowledged in an essay written in 1973 nwhchAmcry
contrasts EIas Canctts rcmark, ! hate dcath, " wth hs own
IcarIuI Iongng" Ior dcath and hs havng IttIc dcsrc to Ivc
Iong.
!nanycasc, AmcryntcntonaIIywrotcthccssaysoIOn Aging
todsturbhs Istcncrs (thcywcrcbroadcastovcrthc radobcIorc
bcngpubIshcdnbookIorm) andrcadcrs.Hsamwastomncc
nowords aboutthcunpIcasantncssoIthc cxpcrcncc oIgrowng
oId and to dcmonstratc that cxstcntaIIy onc can ncvcr know
x I Translator's Introduction
what ansIkc untIonccxpcrcnccst. Rathcrthan trynto
saywhatagncouIdorshouIdbcnamorchumanc socctyand
amorcundcrstandngworId,Amcrywantcdtodcscrbcwhatts.
On Aging s a most honcst book, ntcntonaIIycschcwng anat-
tcmpt to makc rcadcrs IccI bcttcr. !n sptc oI ts starkncss,
howcvcr, tmayprovdcawayoIcopnwthoIdagcbascdona
rccogntonoIwhatscomngandbcngprcparcd IortsarrvaI.
Jcan Amcrys IIc bcgan n Vcnna, whcrc hc was born n
1 91 1 as Hanns Maycr. Hs hrstpccc oIwrtngwaspubIshcdn
1 928. At thc unvcrsty, hc studcd phIosophy and contnucd
wth hsasprngItcrarycIIorts, compIctnga novcI, Die Schiff
bruchigen (Thc shp-wrcckcd) , whch hc scnt to Thomas Mann
andRobcrtMu-I.ThcIattcrsadthatt was gItcd,"butAmcry
was ncvcrabIc to pubIsh t. Whcn thc Nazs camc to powcr n
Austra n 1 938, Amcry IIcd Vcnna, knowng that, sncc hs
IathcrwasaJcw, hcwouIdbcpcrsccutcdIhc staycd. Hcmovcd
to BcIgum, joncd thc rcsstancc thcrc, was cauht dstrbutng
IcaIIcts, andcvcntuaIIy,aItcrbcngtorturcdandhavnghsdcn
ttydscovcrcd,wasscnttoAuschwtz.
Hc survvcd thc brutaIty oI thc HoIocaust and rcturncd to
BcIgum aItcr thc war, changng hs hrst namc to ts Frcnch
cquvaIcntandrcarrangngthcIcttcrsoIhsIastnamctobccomc
JcanAmcry.HcmadchshomcnBrusscIsandbccamcajournaI-
st,wrtngnCcrmanmostIyIorSwsspubIcatons.Buthcncvcr
thoughtoIthsjournaIstcactvtyasanythngmorcthanwrtng
on consgnmcnt. Hc actuaIIypubIshcd sx books oIjournaIsm
aboutjazz, Iamouscontcmporarcs,ncIudngWnstonChurchII,
andvarous ncwsworthymattcrs. Onc oIthc books, pubIshcdn
thc carIy sxtcs, was about CcrhartHauptmann, thcquntcsscn-
taI modcI oI t!c opportunstc Ccrman wrtcr undcr both thc
NazsandthcMarxsts.
x Translator's Introduction
Throughoutths pcrod, Amcry IcIt that hc was a IaIurc as a
wrtcr.Lookngback, hcwrotcshortIybcIorchsdcath, Mydcn-
ttyasawrtcr,whch!hadbccnscckngsnccmysxtccnthycar,
whcnmyhrstmanuscrptwasprntcdnVcnna,hadvanshcd.!
accustomcdmyscIItothc stuaton oIaIaIurc ora 'ratc.' AIIoI
ths changcdwththcpubIcatonn I966oIJenseits von Schuld und
Sihne (At the Mind's Limit), a scrcs oIcssaysabout hscxpcrcnccs
nAuschwtz. ' Ashc put t Iatcr, !had cscapcdthc drudgcry oI
wrtng artcIcs n !966. ! couId contcmpIatc wrtng about thc
thngs thatwcrcwcghngonmysouI. "Hcwcntontowrtc sx
morcbooksIkcAt the Mind's Limits aswcIIasnumcrouscssayson
varoussubjccts, somc oIwhchhavcbccngathcrcdtogcthcrn
scvcraIbook-Icngth coIIcctons.
Thc thngsthatAmcrydcscrbcsaswcghngonmysouI"aII
turnaroundthcIraImortaItyoIhumanIIc. agng, sucdc, tor-
turc, cxIc, IaIurc, dcccvcd Iovc. Dcath haunts thcm aII. Hs
ntcrcststodscusshumanmortaItyIromthcnsdc, ast wcrc,
wthoutcaIIngonmoraIndgnaton, socaIsccncc, orpsycho-
IogcaI anaIyss. Thus thc chaptcr on bcng torturcd n At the
Mind's Limits, cstabIshngthcabsoIutcncssoIthc cxpcrcnccand
ts pcrmancnt mpact on thc consttuton oI onc who has bccn
torturcd. !nabookaboutthchcttous charactcrCharIcsBovary,
husbandoIMadamc BovarynFIaubcrtsnovcI, Amcry trcs to
gctnsdcthccharactcr, trcatnghmasa rcaIhumanbcngwho
had suIIcrcdthc Ioss oIIovc and hadbccndupcdby thc onc hc
Iovcd, n ordcr to dcIcnd hm aganst atttudcs that mock hs
smpIc-mndcdncss, hstrust,thatmakcIunoIhmbccauscoIhs
spouscsbchavor, cvcntodcIcndhmaganstthcauthorwhon-
vcntcdhm. `
Thc mostcontrovcrsaI oIthcsc books was hs dscoursc on
sucdc, Hand an sich legen ( ItcraIIy. To Iay hand on oncscII") ,
xv I Translator's Introducon
pubIshcdn 1 976, two ycars bcIorc Amcry took hs own IIc. !n
ths book, hc prcs:nts a sympathctc vcw oIsucdc, usng thc
Ccrman word Freitod (voIuntary dcath) , nstcad oI thc morc
common Selbstmord ( scII-murdcr), bccausc thc Iormcr s not
judgmcntaIbutmcrcIydcscrptvc. !naddtonto thc mcIanchoIy
contcmpIaton oIsucdc as a potcntaIIy postvc acton n somc
crcumstanccs, Hand an sich legen oIIcrsa probng dcIncaton oI
AmcrysbascconccrnaboutwhattsandIccIs Ikc tobcwthn
oncscIIa IaIurc, or a IundamcntaIIy unhappy pcrson, wthout
makng thc poItcaI cIam oI bcng a vctm. Startng Irom
WttgcnstcnsaphorsmThc worId oIthchappypcrsons a dI-
Icrcnt worIdIromhat oIthc unhappy pcrson," whch scrvcs as
an cpgraph Ior thc book, Amcry sccks to dcmonstratc that thc
knds oI cxpcrcnc:s thatdrvc onc to sucdc cannotbc undcr-
stood Irom outsdc thc ndvduaI cxpcrcncng thcm, that thc
IccIngs oIwcII-bcng oI thosc who arc not sucdaImakc thcm
uItmatcIyndsposcdto undcrstand thc sucdaIandthcrstatcoI
mnd. Ashcwrotcin aIcttcr, !ts to bcabookthat cntrcIyprc-
scntsvoIuntarydcathIromwthn sothatthc authorcompIctcIy
cntcrs thc cIoscdworIdoIthc sucdc. ThcrcIorc. nothngsoco-
IogcaI, nothng pychoIogcaI n thc narrow scnsc. Thcsc
rcIIcctonsarcpcrtncntto consdcrng On Aging, towhchAmcry
thought Hand an sich legen shouId bc a companon. Just as thc
sucdaIstatc s oncthatrcsstsundcrstandngbythosc who arc
nonsucdaI, so thc tcrmnaI statc oI agng cannot bc IuIIy ap-
prcciatcduntiIonc |saIrcadyagngoncscII.
On Aging: Revolt and Resignation, pubIshcd n 1 968, was thc
hrst oI Amcrys books aItcrAt the Mind's Limits. !t was aIso thc
hrst hc pubIshcd wth thc pubIshng hrm oIKIctt n Stuttgart
(Iatcr KIctt-Cotta) , whch wouIdpubIshaII subscqucntbooks oI
hs as wcII as rcssuc thc Ccrman tcxt oI At the Mind's Limits.
xv Translator's Introduction
Whcn On Aging waspubIshcd, Amcry wasbccomngastonshcd
at-andgrathcdby-hs suddcn succcss n hs Iatc hItcs.
EachoIthccssaysoIOn Aging covcrsa partcuIarcompIcxoI
ssucsaboutthccxpcrcnccoIgrowngoId.AsMonqucBoussart
pontsout,'anaspcctoIcachscsscntaIIyadaIogucwthFrcnch
ntcIIcctuaIs. !n thc hrst, t s MarccI Proust, who not onIy pro-
vdcsmuchoIthcrcIIcctvccommcntarywthhsscrcsoInovcIs
In Search of Lost Time, cspccaIIy thc Iast, Time Regained, butwho
aIso appcars nAmcrys dscusson.Thc subjccthcrcs tmc, Ivcd
tmcasopposcdtocaIcndarandcIocktmcorthctmcoIphyscs,
thc way tmc passcs, and thc way agng makcs thc cIdcrIy pro-
grcssvcIypcrccvctmcasthccsscnccoIthcrcxstcncc.
Thc Iast pagcs oI Smonc dc Bcauvors Force of Circumstance
provdc thcundcrpnnngsoIthc ncxt cssay, a mcdtaton onthc
ways thc agng arc aIcnatcd IromthcmscIvcs. Thcbodybccomcs
a burdcn thcy carry around wth thcm, cvcn as thcy comc to
know t bcttcrand to dcntIy wth t morc. Thcrc arc, n Iact, a
numbcr oI smIartcs bctwccn dc Bcauvors Old Age, hrstpub-
Ishcd shortIyaItcrOn Aging, andAmcrys rcIIcctons, aIthought
sccmsthatcachbookwas wrttcn ndcpcndcntIyoIthcothcr.
Thc thrd cssay dcaIswth socaIagng, thccondtonoIrcaI-
zng that t s no Iongcr possbIc to Ivc accordng to oncs
potcntaIorpossbItcs,butthatoncmustIvc nsobcrrccogn
ton that onc s what onc s, or cIsc IaII back on a prctcnsc oI
normaIty,ctcrnaIyouth, orandyIIoIscrcntyandsatsIacton-
oroptIorbcnga crank. Ths cssay drawsonJcan-PauISartrcand
Andrc Corz, as wcII as thc novcI La Quarantaine by Jcan-Lous
Curts. !tnaturaIIyIcadsntothcIourthcssay, oncuIturaIagng,
whcrcAmcryagancaIIsonSartrc,whomhchaswrttcnaboutn
othcr cssays and who, aIong wth Smonc dc Bcauvor, had a
strongnIIucncconhmmmcdatcIyaItcrthc SccondWorIdWar.
xv I Translator's Introduction
!n cuIturaI agng, thc Ioss oIthc abIty to undcrstand ncw dc-
vcIopmcntsnthcartsandnachangngsocctysvaIucsandthc
IccIng oI bccomng uscIcss and out oI touch wth thc worId
bccomc cvcryday aspccts oI oncs cxstcncc. Thc hIth and Iast
cssay, onthcncancssoIdcathandtscIIcctonthcIvcs oIthc
agng, Ior whom dcath and dyng arc companons, shows thc
mpactoIAmcrysrcadngoIVIadmrJankcIcvtchsLa Mort, pub-
Ishcd n 1 966. Thc novcI Les Thibaut (Thc Thbauts) by Rogcr
Martn du Card, d:scrbng thc dcath oI thc oId Iathcr oI thc
ThbautIamIy, dcmonstratcsthcuttcrmscryoImanycndngsoI
IIc. Amcryargucsthatcvcryoncmakcsacompromscwthdcath
noIdagc,thatphyscaIcondtonnwhchwcIccIthcdcaththat
snus. !tsacompromscthataIIcctsourbchavorandnIIucnccs
our dcmcanor. Amcrys ntcnton bccomcs most cIcar n ths
cssay. to dsturb casy and chcap compromscs and to urgc hs
rcadcrstothcrowrndvduaIactsoIdchanccandacccptancc.
!naddtontoFrcnchbackgrounds, suchasthoscctcdabovc,
AmcryaIsocaIIs ntopIayhsrcadngsn CcrmanItcraturc and
thought, cspccaIIy ThomasMann, whoscmcdtatonson dcath
anddscasc n The Magic Mountain arc IrcqucntIy ctcd, and thc
physcanHcrbcrtPIggc,whoscphcnomcnoIogcaIstudcsoIds-
casc andthc bodyAmcry haswrttcnabout cIscwhcrc as wcII.
AmcryprcIcrsItcrai\andcuIturaIrcIcrcnccsIorcvdcnccnsup-
portnghsvcwsbccauschcdocsnotwanttobcsystcmatcand
bccausc hc approachcsagingn tcrms oI cxpcrcncc. Whcn hc
turns to scholars, it is to philosophers like Jankelevitch andSartrc
ortopracttoncrsIkcPIiggcwhotrytodcscrbcthcwayhumans
IccI thc cxpcrcncc 0Iagng, cvcn I thcyoItcn do sonabstract
tcrmsthatarcIorcgntoAmcry, rathcrthanto thoscwho havc
donc studcs, madc :urvcys, orothcrwscobscrvcdIromoutsdc.
Hs usc oIthcrnsghts sbascdonan unusuaIaIIanccoIFrcnch
xvi I Translator's Introduction
cxstcntaIsmandVcnncscpostvsm, anaIIanccthatscvdcnt
nhsanaIytcapproach to many oIthccuIturaIIyacccptcddcas
andmctaphorsaboutoIdagcanddcathnOn Aging.
WhatthcrcadcrhndshcrcsadcsrctodcscrbcoIdagcasts,
ntcrmsoIhowtsIcItandscnscdrathcrthannmcdcaIandpsy-
choIogcaI tcrms, wthout consoIaton and wthout cxtcrnaI
support mcchansms. a condton nwhchhuman bcngs tcnd
towardccasngtobc,towardbcngnothng,towardthcncgatvc,
bcng unabIc topcrIorm much physcaI work, uncoordnatcd,
unhtIorthsandthat, untcachabIc, unIrutIuI, unwcIcomc, un-
hcaIthy, un-young,"asAmcrydcscrbcst.ThconIywaytodcaI
wththscondtonsIorthcagngtocastthcmscIvcsnanatttudc
oIsmuItancous rcvoIt and rcsgnaton. Rcsgncdtothcncvta-
bItyoIagngandaIItsconcomtantdscomIorts,Irustratons,and
Iosscs,thcycansavcthcmscIvcsIromcmbarrassmcnt,strcss,and
thcwastcdcIIortoItryngtobcsomcthngthcyarcnotbyrcvoIt-
ng aganst ths condton and rcIusng to pIay thc socaI and
psychoIogcaIgamcs.thcIttIcjokcsandpassvcscntmcntaItcs,
bcngncommuntyactvtcs,andsocaIscrvccoutngsthatdchnc
thcoIdashcIpIcssvctms. !mpIcdnAmcrysbooksthcdcathat
consoIatonsaIormoIvctmzaton. Hcdocsnotwanttomakc
pcopIc IccI bcttcr. Hcwants to dsturbthc baIancc, cxposc thc
compromsc, dcstroythcgcnrcpantng,contamnatcthcconso-
Iaton,"ashcwrtcsatthccndoIthcbook.
Amcry,wcIIawarcoIthccontradctorynaturcoIhsprcscrp-
ton, rcIuscs tobackoIIIrom tbccauscoIthc absurdnaturc oI
agngtscII.!tsatcrmnaIcxpcrcncc, Iromwhchthcrcsnorc-
covcry.!ndccd,AmcrycaIIstadscasc, avruswccarrywthus
Irombrth.!nths,hscssaysarcoItcnrcmnsccntoIthcmemento
mori oImcdcvaI wrtcrs and thcr cmphass on thc ncccssty oI
dcath, onIywthoutthcrthcoIogcaIundcrpnnngsandpurposc
xv Translator's Introduction
and wtha dIIcrcntmotvc. Hcsnot tryngtoconvcrtortcach
moraIty.ThckcytoAmcrysbookshsdctcrmnatontoIookat
thcphcnomcnonoIagngwthoutbInkng, to asscss twthout
scntmcntaIzn, consoIng,ormncngwordsaboutthchorrbIc
naturc oIwhathcsccs. !t s smIartothc stancc hc tookn hs
autobographca'wrtngs,nhsattcmpttomagncwhattwouId
bcIkctobc CharIcsBovary, nhsanaIyssoIsucdc, andnhs
mcdtatonsonthcIatcoIntcIIcctuaIsnAuschwtz. C onsoIaton
couIdcomc,hcwrotcnAt the Mind's LimitS,.one hada rgous
+ ` ~- `
IathorandcoIogcaIconvctonaboutthcncvtabItyoIhstory
n whch oncs Iatc couId bc sccn as uItmatcIy rcd
cmny,
_
o
~ ,
+
mattcrwhatthccxtcntoIpcrsonaIsuIIcrng.Amcryhadncthcr
Iathnor convc1on. !n On Aging, hc notcs thc roIc oI rcIgous
bcIcIandscntmcntnprcparngIordcathandnthnkngabout
t, cspccaIIynuchmctaphorcaIIycmpty" phrascs as Rcstn
pcacc. "ToAmcry,attcmptstoconsoIcandchccrup,toamcIoratc
oIdagcanddca!hn comIortabIc IormuIas, arcaIIpartoIa vIc
dupcry"thathsbook,navcrypcrsonaIway,amstocxposc.
WthOn Aging, AmcrywasvcnturngntoamcrcIcssrcIIccton
onhsownconcton, ananaIyssdctcrmncdtobcasmuchwth-
outcompromscaspossbIc.!tsnotsurprsngthattIcdcvcntuaIIy
tohs study oIsucdc.Morcovcr, hccouIdnotavoda IccIng oI
supcrIIuousncssandrrcIcvancc,ashcwrotcnoncoIhsIastIct-
tcrsbarcIyawcckbcIorchssucdc,andhccvcnrcIIcctcdthatt
mayhavcbccn'somcthngIkcancrroroIIatcthatn1 945, whcn
! was stII rcIatvcIy young, ! ddnot dccdc tobccomc a Frcnch
wrtcr. "'When he was still relatively young: wththskndoIrcgrct,
about whch hc couId do nothng, thc horror oI agng was tr-
umphngovcrhm.Amcryssucdc,hsvoIuntarydcath,sccmsto
havcbccnthconIyroadhcthoughtwasIcIttoh
m.
PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION
!n thc dccadc that has passcd sincc ! rccordcd this cxpcrimcnt !
couId havc Icarncd much morc about aging. Not withoutI
4
-
urc do!rcmcmbcrthc strong criticism whcn my book appcarcd,
cspcciaIIy that oI a gcntIcman dchnitcIy gctting on in ycars who
rcproachcd mc somcthing Iikc this: what, so hc thought, couId
this young" pcrson oI 55 ycars, J.A., undcrstand about aging
and agc? What docs hcthink hcsdoing?
As !rcadthc tcxt again, !havc to saytomyown dccp rcgrct
that thc chccrIuI oId man s wrong-and !m right, aIas! ! had
"^T
undcrstood mysubjcct.!I! havc Icarncd anythingin thc Iasttcn
ycars, ithasIcadmc instcad toacccntuatcwhat!saidatthattimc
rathcrthantomodiIyit.Evcrythinghasbccnatracc worsc than!
had Iorcsccn.physicaI aging, cuIturaI aging, thc daiIyapproach,
scnscdasaburdcn,oIthcdarkjourncymanwhorunsaIongatmy
sidc and urgcntIycaIIs tomc as toRaimunds VaIcntinwith thc
uncanniIyintimatcphrasc, Comc, IittIcIricnd. , . . "'
Todayasmuchasycstcrday!thinkthatsocictyhastoundcr-
takc cvcrything to rcIicvc oId and aging pcrsons oI thcir un-
pleasant destiny. And at the same time I stick to my position that
aII high-mindcd andrcvcrcntiaIcIIortsinthisdircction, though
indccd capabIc oI bcing somcwhat soothing-thus aIso bcing
harmIcssanaIgcsics-arcstiIInotcapabIcoIchanging orimprov-
inganything fundamental aboutthctragichardshipoIaging.
At onc singIc point ! wiII makc a rcvision, at thc vcry point
whcrc I wrotc that bad phrasc, thc IooIs story oI a voIuntary
dcath. "Here ncwinsights and Icarnings havc Iorccdmc into an-
othcr dircction, havcgivcn my rcIIcctions an cxtcnsion that I
xx I Peface to the Fourth Edition
couId nothavc magncd athat tmc. Thus, ! IcIt myscIIbound
towrtcmybookon sucdc, By One's Ow Hand-A Discourse on
Voluntary Death, whch, n a ccrtan scnsc, can bc consdcrcd a
contnuaton oIthc workbcIorc us.
BrusscIs, Sprng 1 977 JcanAmcry
PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION ,
CompcIIcd by nothng morc than an ncInaton to bc
-
contcm-
pIatvc, and pcrhaps to
]
ractcc bcng so, ! submt hcrc
cxpcrmcntaI cssays about thc agng oI human bcngs. Expcr-
mcntaI-notnthcscnscoIa sccnthccxpcrmcnt,butnthatoI
IookngIorsomcthngwhoscundscovcrabIcnaturcwasobvous
to anaIytc rcason Irom thc start. Thcsc mcdtatons about my
subjccthavc nothng todowth gcratrcs. Thcy dcaI wth aging
human bcngs nrcIatontotmc, to thcrown bodcs, tosoccty,
to cvIzaton, uItmatcIy todcath. Rcadcrs who cxpcct rcmarks
oIa postyc sccnthcnaturc on thc subj cct, thc knd oI knowI-
cdgc that couId assst thcm n prcparng thcr Ivcs Ior a
partcuIar condton-that oIagng-wIIbc dsappontcdby ths
book. ! cannot asprc toanythng Ikc that.
!n an cra whcn ntcIIgcncc s turnng away not onIy Irom
whats mmcdatcIy gvcnbyconscousncssbut Iromthe human
being ngcncraI-nwhoscpIaccsystcmsandcodcsappcarasthc
subj cct oInqury-! havc kcpt cntrcIy to what has bccnIvcd.
Ie viu. !nmakngthscIIorttorccordasIathIuIIy aspossbIcthc
developments in which the aging person is ensnared, I used es
scntaIIya mcthodoIntrospccton, addcdto that was a strvng
Iorobscrvatonand cmpathy. But anyhopcIorsccnthcmcthod,
cvcn IogcaI strngcncy, had tobcabandoncd.
!I, onthconchand,thcsubjcctvccharactcroIsuchnotcshas
bccnscII-cvdcnttomcIromthcbcgnnng, !havcstIItrcd,on
thcothcrhand,todrcctthcproccsstowardobscrvatonsthatarc
morcthansubjcctvc.!havcconstantIytrcdtomrrorIromcvcry
vsuaIangIcthc dcas !vc Iormcdby mcans oIa thoughtproccss
xx I Preface to the First Edition
that constantIycontcsts and corrccts tscII, onc that ncvcrshcs
awayIromcontradicton-aIIoIths,tstruc, whIc conscousIy
dcvatngIromthcgoaIsoIobj cctvtyorntcrsubj cctvty. !was
onIycarrcdaIongbythcunccrtanhopcthat!mghtsuccccdn
IIumnatngaIcwIundamcntaIIacts,vaIdIorthctypcaIhuman
bcng oI our cvIzaton. Out oI that camc a wagcr. dccsons
aboutwhcthcr!wasmakngscnscornot,aboutthcvaIucoImy
work orthc Iack0;[ t, arc IcIt cntrcIy tomy rcadcrs, sncc that
thrdauthortythatmakcsajudgmcntoItruthcouIdnotbc n-
vokcd.
!naddrcssngmyrcadcrs, ! amrcqucstngthcmtojonwth
mcnsomcthngthatwasrcvcaIcdtomconIywhIc!waswrtng
tdown. SpcchcaIIy, as! IcIt myway Iorward, stcp by stcp, !had
togvcupthchopcsaIwayscvokcdbythcagng,!hadtonvaI-
datc consoIaton. Whatcvcr thcrc s n consoIaton that s
rccommcndcdtothcagng-howtocomctotcrmswthonc'sdc-
cInc and IaII, cvcn IpossbIc to bc abIc to gan asscts Irom t,
nobIty oIrcsgnaton, cvcnng wsdom, Iatc tranquIty-t aII
stood bcIorc mcasa vIc dupcry, aganstwhch! hadto chargc
myscII to protcst wth cvcry Inc. Thus, cvcn though ! ncthcr
pIanncdnorcvcns JrmscdnadvancchowthcywouIdturnout,
mycxpcrmcnts,nquaItymorcIkcscarchcs,wcntIrombcng
an anaIyss to bcng an act oI rcbcIIon, whosc contradctory
prcmscwasthctotaI acccptancc oIncscapabIc andscandaIous
thngs. ! can onIywat and scc I thc rcadcrs ! am addrcssng
answcr mc, I thcv accompany mc on my way through thcsc
contradctons.
EvcnI! dspcnsc wth cvcryaIIcgcdIy sccnthcnstrumcnt
andbasc my pont oI vcw cntrcIy on myscIIand thc unccrtan
ground oI myqucstonng, t s stII onIy too obvous that! havc
bccn subjcct to numcrous nIIucnccs. Rcadcrs can rccognzc
xx I Preface to the First Edition
thcmas casIy as thcy can myquotatons, occasonaIIy structurcd
nto thc tcxtandas suchnot cxprcssIy ndcatcd.
Butthcrcarcthrcc authorsIromwhom!havc Icarncdmuch
andwhom ! havc tontroducccxpIctIy sncc thcyarc possbIy
not suIhccntIy wcII known. thc Sorbonnc proIcssor VIadmr
JankcIcvtch, thc Ccrman physcan and phcnomcnoIogst Hcr-
bcrtPIiggc, thc FrcnchpubIcst Andrc Corz.'
No author can brng out thc rcsuIts oI hs rcstIcss hours
wthout bcng anxous. Whcn onc wrtcs about thc most pcr-
sonaI thngs n thc hopc that, hcrc and thcrc, dcsptc cvcry
scII-rcstrcton, thcy couId bc transIormcd nto somcthng un
vcrsaIIy bndng, thc drcad s cvcn grcatcr. Books do not onIy
havc thcr own dcstny. thcy can aIso bc a dcstny.
BrusscIs, Summcr 1 968 JcanAmcry
Existence and
the Passage of Time
Thc agng humanbcng-thc agngwoman, thcagngman~
wIIIrcqucntIy mcct suchpcrsonshrc,prcscntn|mscIvcsto
s n many varants, n many dIIcrcnt knds oI drcss. At onc

pont, wcwIIrccognzcanagngpcrsonasahgurcwcIIknownto
usIroma workoIItcraturc, n anothcrpIacc shcwIIbca purc
abstracton drawn Irom thc magnaton, naIIy, h\IIrc-
vcaIcdnhs contoursas
[
c autoqIths scrcs(css 1Thc
.~`` .- ~-- ~''
.---
^
.-
actuaInumbcroIycarswIIbcjust asndchntcasthcpcrsonwho
sagng,justastsnrcaItyandnthcwaywc uscIanguagc.Wc
wIII scc thc agngwhcn thcy arc onIy around Iorty, bccausc n
ccrtancrcumstanccsthcproccsswc arc gong to trytodcscrbc
announccs tscII carIy on. !n othcr cxampIcs, thcy wII cntcr as
humanbcngsn thcr sxth dccadc, cach thcrcIorc actuaIIybc-
comnga scncx, accordng toa vaguc statstcaI objcctvty. Hcrc,
whcrc wc arc dcaIng wth existence and the passage of time, Icts
ntroducc onc oIthcmas a man scarccIyhItyycarsoId,whosc
carIydcathwouIdccrtanIyj ustIythatatthsagchcaIrcadyIcIt
hcwasanagngpcrson, thcrcIorc rcqurngusaIsotoacccpthm
2 I ON A GI NG
assuch.-Wcmcclhma s hcappcarsonccaganatamomngrc-
ccptonIorthchrsttmcaftcrmanyycars.AIongtmcago, hchad
wthdrawn IromthsvantyIarnwhch hchad oncc pIaycda
sgnhcant part. HcsdrcsscdnaIrockcoat, vcryuprght, stIIn
goodposturccvcniIhschcstandbcIIyappcararchcdIorwardn
a not qutcnaturaIand somcwhatuncannyway. Hs thckbIack
har, Iyngdownthcnapc oIhsncck, andhsmustachcarcstII
thcrnaturaIcoIor,0uthspaIcIaccabovchshghcoIIarsasrgd
as wax, Ikcamask, and hs orcntaIIymcIanchoIycycsarc wth-
outIustcr, rcstngnthcshadowoIdccp,bIushrngs.
WcII caII ths 1gng man by thc cphcr A. , " j ust as wcII
dcsgnatcaIIthosc oIhscomradcsndcstnywhomIromtmc to
tmc wc ntcnd to ntroduccto our consdcratons. A. . boththc
mostmathcmatcaIandabstractspcchcatonmagnabIcandonc
thatIcavcs to my rcadcrs thc most cxtcnsvc Ircc spacc to thnk
magnatvcIy and concrctcIy. Ths tmc, howcvcr, Icts caII ths,
ourhrstA., bythc namcthcworIdgavc hm. thc narraturor, as
ancxccptonthat: stIImorcprccsc,byhscvI namc, strangcIy
pronounccd Pruh" n hs homc dcpartcmcntLor-ct-Chcr, thc
pcrson wcknowa:Proust-Marc|Iroust.
Hatnhand,A. -MarccIProustcntcrsthchomcoIhshosts
anddscovcrswhItdongsothatthcscrvantsoIthchouscrccog-
nzc hmagann ptc ofycars oI abscncc. Thcrc comcs Iathcr
Proust,thcscpcopIcsayandsncchchasnoson, hcknowsthat
fathcr" canonIyrcIatctohs agc. !Ithcscrvantskncwthcstu-
aton bcttcr and couId cxprcss thcmscIvcs morc cIcarIy, thcy
wouIdsaythatthcscarccIyhIty-ycar-oIdman, nsptcoIhsun-
bIcachcdharandhsstandngthcrcsostraghtandtaII,Iooks,n
a waythatshard to dchnc, oIdcrthanhs ycars, cspccaIIybc-
causcnhsunmovngycIIow-whtc IaccrgormortssaIrcady
antcpatcd.-ThcnarratursccspcopIcaganwho,Ithcnspcc-
3 I Existenc and the Passage of Time
tonoIhscycswcrcnotdcccptvc, arcworscoIIthanhchmscII
s. WhosthcIary-taIckngwththccottonbcard,draggnghm-
scII aIong as though hs shocs had Icadcn soIcs? Thc Prncc dc
Cucrmantcs, t-an t" about whch wc wII spcak Iong and
much-had happcncd to hm. And whos thc oId man, whosc
whtcbcardno IongcrIooksIkc anactorsproponanamatcur
stagcbutIkcthcbcardoIabcggar?Monscurd Argcncourt, no
doubt, thc narrateur's ntmatc cncmy oI somc tmc ago. Thc
Barondc CharIus, oncchaughtyandsupcrb,hasbccomcatragc
drawng-roomLcar, dIgcntIyrcmovnghshattopcopIcwhon
hsbcttcrdayswcrcnotcvcnworthyoIhsrascdcycbrow.BIoch,
thc companonoIcarIcrtmcs, snow caIIcd JacqucsduRozcr
and wcars a IormdabIcmonocIc to rcIcvc hs agcdIacc oIthc
taskoIshownganykndoIcxprcsson.-Thcvstorcomcsupon
human bcngs whosc cycIds havc thc scaIcd rgdty oI thosc
abouttomakcthcIrcxIt, whoscconstantIymurmurIngIps sccm
tobcuttcrngthcpraycrsoIthosc aIrcadysngIcdoutIordcath.'
ScIcrosshasthoroughIyrcstructurcdothcrsandmadcthcmnto
stonc-Ikc Egyptangods.Thcnarrateur cvcnhndssomcwhosccm
hardIychangcdasIongasthcyarcobscrvcdIromadstancc,sccn
upcIoscn convcrsaton, howcvcr, thcrapparcntIystII-smooth
sknrcvcaIssuchswcIIngstothcobscrvcr,suchtnynoduIcsand
rcddIsh-bIuccapIIIaryvcsscIsthatthcyarousccvcnmorcvIoIcnt
avcrsonanddccpcrhorrorthanthoscwhoscagcannounccstscII
wthout conccaImcntn thcIr coIorIcss har, crookcdbacks, and
draggng Icgs. Thc gucstrccognzcs mostoI thcmagan, hc has
sccnthcm,spokcnwththcma Iongtmcago at somc diner en
ville, and throughthcrscIcross and dchydraton, hccandccodc
thc Icaturcs oI thc past. But t aIso happcns that somconc ad-
drcsscshm, whoscIacc, vocc,andhgurcIcavchmhcIpIcss. A
IatIadygrccts hmwthhcr "bonjour." A.Iooksathcr, qucruIous,
4 I ON A GING
andbcgshcrpardon. t s CIbcrtc, whomhchadIovcdnCom-
brayasaboyandonthc ChampsEIysccs.-ButwhathasrcaIIy
happcncdtothcscpcopIcthatProusts narrateur hasIoundagan
atthsrcccptonoIthcPrnccdc Cucrmantcs?Notmuch.Evcry-
thng.Time has passed.
Tmc haspasscd, Ilowcdby, roIIcd on, bIown away, andwc
passwtht-what am! sayng?-Ikcsmokcnastrongwnd.
WcaskourscIvcswhattmcmghtactuaIIybc, aboutwhchwc
saythatcvcrythnggIdcsandrunsbywtht-askourscIvcswth
atcnacousnavctc that bordcrs on totaIrdcuIousncss, andthcn
arctaughtbytIoscthnkcrswhoarcsoadrotnIogcaIpIaythat
thcqucston,whcnaskcdnsuchabanaIIorm, s dcccptvc. -A
Icw cxpIoratorycxpcrmcntswththc dcaoItmc throw us nto
totaI conIuson: justcxactIywhatthatvcryoIdand cIcvcr brd-
hcadcdEngIshmansays,IoIIowngZcno,nanamusngparadox.
Docsthcpastcxst?No,bccausctsaIrcadygonc.DocsthcIuturc
cxst? No, bccausc t has not yct comc. Thcn s thcrc onIy thc
prcscnt? OIcoursc. But snt t sothatthsprcscnt contans no
strctchoItmc?!tsso. ThcnthcrcsnosuchthngastmcataII.
Corrcct.tdocsntcxst.RusscIIsparadoxcanbcsoIvcd.Answcrs
cxst to many qucstons about tmc, and suIhccntIy sharp and
wcII-trancdthinkcrshavctrcdtohndthcm. Butwhatthcyvc
comcawaywthhasIttIcto dowthourconccrns.
!n thnkng about tmc, whcn wc arc not taIkng about thc
tmcoIphyscsts,IorwhomtssomcthngqutcdIIcrcntthant
sIorus, butabout our tmc,whchsaIways only ours, ourIvcd
tmc, ourtemps vcu-insuchthnkng, wcstcpIorwardbctwccn
twodangcrous toncs,bothoIwhcharccquaIIyIataI.Onthconc
hand, wc arc thrcatcncd by duII rumnatons and dIcttantsh
broodng. Ontnc othcr, wc havc thc tcchncaI Ianguagc oI thc
spccaIst n thc dscpInc oI phIosophy, whch, n soundng
5 I Existence and the Passage of Time
Icarncd, strvcstoprovcts own sgnhcanccmorcthanthc vaIuc
oItsknowIcdgc.Andyct,wchavctotrytoprcss on,bccauscts
tmc,Ivcdtmc, or,IyouwII, subjcctvctmc,whchs ourmost
urgcnt probIcm. ProbIcm? Oncc agan a word Irom thc ncws
papcr,smcIIngoIIcnsvcIyoIprntcrsnk.Tmcsourarchcncmy
andourmostntmatcIrcnd, ouronIytotaIIycxcIusvcposscsson
and,aswcncvcrsccmtorcaIzc,ourpanandourhopc. !tsdIh-
cuIttospcakoIt. Down Iromthc magc mountanwchcar.can
tmcbcnarratcd, ths tmctscII, as such, n and IortscII? Dch-
ntcIy not, that wouId bc a IooIsh cntcrprsc. A story that
procccdcdtotcIIthattmcIIowcd,tranon,tmc strcamcdaIong,
andonandon-noonccouIdscnsbIycaIIthatastory.-!twouId
notonIynotbcastory, asthatIamous magcan,ThomasMann,
thought,buttwouIdaIsohavcnothngmorctodowthtmcthan
thc Iact that t wouId takc a IttIc tmc, cvcnI onIyj ust a IttIc.
FIowng away, runnng on, strcamng aIong, tmc docs not do
thcscthngs, suchthngs takc pIaccnspacc, cxpcrcnccdvsbIy
oratIcastasaconscqucnccoIwhatssccn.WhcnwctaIkoItmc,
wc usc hgurcsoI spccchIromthcworIdoIspacc, spatomorphc
mctaphors, " asoncmghtsaytosoundschoIarIy.Tmc shardIy
narratabIc. WcsayhardIy" andnotunnarratabIc. Othcrwsc wc
wouId havc to rcman sIcnt nstcad oI stII cvcntuaIIy sayng
somcthng, as wc struggIc to do, n thc spacc bctwccn thc two
dangcrzoncs. Fgurcs oIspccchmaybcuscIuIasIongasthcrhg-
uratvcnaturcsconstantIyacknowIcdgcd.AndwccancmpIoy
our consdcratons, cvcn thosc wthout cpstcmoIogcaI vaIuc,
whcnwcsuccccdndcscrbngthngsnwhchothcrscandscovcr
thcmscIvcsagan.
Fora Iong tmc A. had bccn conccrncdwththc tormcntng
qucstons oI agng, cxstcncc, and thc passagc oI tmc. Now hc
6 I ON A GING
was vstng onc oI hs Ircnds, a Iamous physcst, hopng thc
IattcrwouIdbc abIc togvchmsomc advcc nmakng scnsc oI
thcscmpcnctr+bIcthngs.Ths manoIsccncc mmcdatcIytook
ovcrthc convcrsaton, andthngs quckIybccamc IoIty andhgh-
sprtcd. Tmc? A probIcm oIphyscs. Oncc wc hadthc cIasscaI
physcsoINcw!onnwhchtmcwas notyctrcaIIytmc.Thats,
tmc, sncc t was onIy a mattcr oI thc movcmcnt oI bodcs n
spacc, couIdbc rcvcrscd. Thc postonoIthc moon, Iornstancc,
was just as casytoprcdct n advancc Iorthc ycar2500, on thc
bass oI acccptcd data, as t was n rcvcrsc Ior thc ycar !600.
Thcn, wthmodcrnphyscs, camc thc tmc oI thcrmodynamcs,
rrcvcrsbIc tmc, tmc tcdtothcconccptoIcntropy,a mcasurc-
mcntIorthcmprobabItyoIthcordcroImoIccuIcsrcsuItngby
chancc, a tcndcncythatIcads to a gcncraIIy ncrcasng dsordcr,
thc cxtrcmc cac oIwhchs so-caIIcdhcatdcath.PopuIarIyand
brcIIyIormuIacd.thcrmodynamctmcs notrcvcrsbIc bccausc
t tcndstowardthc dccayoIaIIbcng. NoncthcIcss, thc physcst
wouId conccdt that onc couId aIso spcak oIa boIogcaI" tmc
whch, rcvcrscd, wouIdcauscthc constructonandnot thc dsso-
Iuton oIstructurcs. Howcvcr, boIogcaItmcwouIdnotconccrn
hm, at Icast not untI statcmcnts about t can bc transIatcd n
thcrcntrctynto a mathcmatcaI-physcaIIanguagc.
Nonc oIths was vcry cIcar" to our troubIcd A., but t was,
cvcnn a sIghtIy qucstonabIc way, somcthnghc couId IatcntIy
dcaIwth, somcwhatntutvcIy, sothat hcpartIykncwwhaths
Ircndwas taIkng about. Forhm, howcvcr, rathcrthan Ior thc
proIcssor, t wasnota qucston oImovcmcntsoIbodcsn spacc,
nor oIhcatdcath, IorwhchIor Cods sakc thcrc wasstIIpIcnty
oItmc, nor cvcn a qucston oI tmc dcduccd Irom thc Iacts oI
cvoIuton.Hcwas spcakng oI ycarspassngaway, oImcmorcs
that suddcnIy appcarcd and dcccptvcIy suspcndcd tmc, oIthc
wcight oI dcath scnscd in thc pIain rcsuIts oI timc. With con-
ccptuaI impaticncc, thc man oI positivc knowlcdgc indicatcd
withanoddinggcsturcthat hcwasdisincIincdtoprocccdinthis
vcin. Sincc hc was notjusta brainyandrigidspcciaIist, howcvcr,
but a cuIturaIIy circumspcct human bcing, philosophicalIy wcll
rcad, with thc intcIIcct oI a gcncralist, cvcn Iamiliar with that
othcr cuItivatcd pcrson whom wc mct at thc Cucrmantcs, hc
said, ! know, duree vecue, Bcrgson, Minkowski, irrationaIism,
phcnomcnoIogical mcntal gamcs, !m rightin thc picturc. But !
ask you, whatisaII that to mc, ! who dcaI with spacc and timc
in my cquations, spaccand timcinsoIarasthcyarc oIcoursc dc-
hnabIc andcapabIc oIbcingwrappcdupinIormuIac?"Whatwas
it in Iact to him? A. thankcd him and sIinkcd oII humblcd,
broodinginhisuncIcarhcadashcwaswontto do, notcvcnabIc
to Iorgivc himscIIIor having darcd to cngagc such a scrious in-
vcstigator with such undcvcIopcdhaII-thoughts.
LongaItcrthathchappcncdtomccthisIricndagain.Thistimc
thcmanwasdiscouragcdandtircd,noIongcrprcdisposcdataIlto
stickingarrogantIytothcsubjcct. HowtimchasrunawayIrom
mc, " saidthc schoIar. HowIonghasitbccnthatwchavcknown
oncanothcr?Twcntyycars?MyCod, whatpIans!oncchad, what
aIIdidnt!wanttodothat!stiIlhavcntdonc.Andwhat!wouId
stiII Iikc to hnishiI onIy !wcrc grantcdthc timc. But too much
timchas aIrcadygoncbyand!havcsoIittIctimcIcIt." Oh, mi-
racuIoustimc, oh,tospcnd timc-",thisthcphysicistdidnotsay
anymorc, A.wasthinkingthuswithin, somcwhatmcchanicaIIy,
andhcpartcdyctonccmorcIromhisIricnd,withoutconsoIation,
asiIhcwcrcncithcrcapabIcoIitnorappointcdtoit. Onccagain
hc hcard thc words oI !mmanucI Kant,words hc had hcard so
oItcn, words that had bccn IamiIiar to him sincc his youth, in
whichhcagainandagainrcdiscovcrcdhimscIIandhismcditations
8 I ON A GING
ontmc, rcgardIcssoIthcIactthatcvcnmodcrnIogcanddaIcc-
tcshadaIrcadymadcshortshrItoIthcm.Spaccandtmcwcrc,n
sptcoIaIIattcmptsoImodcrnphIosophytoconstructa spato-
tcmporaIsoIdarty,aIcntooncanothcr.TmcsthcIormoIan
inner scnsc,that.s,thcIormthroughwhchwcpcrccvcourscIvcs
andourcondton.Wasntthatobvous?AtanymomcntA.couId
paccoIIspaccandhndhmscIIwthnt.Thcoutcrscnscwasthc
scnsc oIourscnscs,whattookpIaccnspaccwasdscussabIc. But
whatcvcr happcncd wth thc nncr scnsc" IcItIttIc oI tscII to
communcatc, and thosc who darcdto gonsdcthcmscIvcs to
IookIortstraccsandtsobjcctsIoundnorcwardIorthcrcouragc
and wcrc thrcatcncd byan ntcIIcctuaIIy dcsoIatc nothngncss.
WhcrcvcrrcaItywasspataIandwordsIaIcd,onccouIdstIIcarry
out actons that rcpIaccd thosc words. What s bIuc? That can
hardIy bc cxpIaincd, but A. , whcn askcd about thc coIor bIuc,
couIdstIIpontt hsIoIdcrandsay,Hcrc-now-sbIuc. "But
how,onthcothcrhand,couIdhcmakchsIccIngIortmcacccs-
sbIctoanothcr?Forthat,thcrcwasnondcxhngcrpontngto
anythng that couIdbc pcrccvcd ntcrsubjcctvcIy. Onc had to
watuntIothcr:camcbythcmscIvcstothc subj cctoItmcand
spokcoIt.That'swhathadj usthappcncd.OutoIhsownnccd
andwththcsamcwords,spurncdasbanaIcquaIIybysccnccand
bythcdscpIncoIphIosophy-ndIctaIk, "astwouIdbccaIIcd
byMartnHcdcggcr, drcsscdnawastIcssjackctnaskhutsur-
roundcd by a roarng wnd-thc physcst had spokcnoItmc,
bccausccvcnhcwasnoIongcrayoungman.
Thc tmc oI whch wc bccomc awarc n agng s not onIy
somcthngwc cannotgrasp, tsaIsohIIcdwthabsurdty, abttcr
mockcryoIcvcryntcIIcctuaI prccson wchavc asprcd to. Somc
oIus cxpcctsoncthnggood.butthctmcoIgood cxpcctatons,
ths good" tmc. bccomcs ourcncmy, wc want togctt bchnd
us as quickIy as possibIc, wantto cxpcI" it orcvcn kiII" it. And
somcthing bad thrcatcns othcrs. hcrc thc bad" timc bccomcs
our onIy Iricnd, to whom wc hoId ourscIvcs Iikc a man con-
dcmncdto dcath. hc stiII has hvc hours tiIIhis cxccution, thcn
two morc, hnaIIy, whcnthc stcps outsidc canaIrcadybc hcard,
itsjusta Icwminutcs, scconds, and thc poor sinncr wouIdIikc
to makc this most horribIc momcnttarrya whiIcbccausc it isso
IovcIy. -Or takc a young man witha grcat dcaI oI timc bcIorc
him, so much that hc docsntwanttobothcr withit, hc docsnt
nccd to know anything about it at aII. FccIing hcaIthy in his
body, hc is so surc oIhimscIIhc docsnt cvcnnccd thc statistics
that grant him, thc twcnty-ycar-oId, hItymorc ycars oIIiIc-an
unIathomabIc strctchoItimc.Hcisin thc proccss oIIivingonIor
avastpcriodoI timc with thc goodknowIcdgc and conscicncc oI
his twcnty ycars. Buttomorrow hcwiIIdrivc his carintoa pIanc-
trcc and Iic dashcd to picccs on thc route nationale. Thcn hc wiII
havc lived falsely with his pIans and vaguc hopcs, bccausc Iora
IiIc that has comc to an cnd, thc cnd-thc carIy cnd in this
casc-is thc truth oI thc bcginning and aII its stagcs, and this
carIycndnowthrowsitspaIcIightonaIIphascsoIthcyoungIiIc
gonc by. Butcvcn thcn, whcn wc rcachanagc thatcorrcsponds
cvcnhaIIway toour cxpcctations and our statisticaIIy mcasurcd
timc, our timc, parccIcd out and dchncdwithcIocksand caIcn-
darpagcs, isstiIIimmcnsc,bound-IcssinthcrcaImcaningoIthc
word. Strctchcs oItimc ormasscsoI timc arc rcIativc, not onIy
withrcgardtointcrsubjcctivcphysicaItimc, which, aItcraII, docs
notmakc scnsc tous, but aIso with rcgard tocach othcr. Thcir
rcIations thcrcbydo not rcmainthc samc.
A. hasgoncthroughthcwar,WorIdWar!!withitsscrvicc at
thcIront, itswounds, itsbombings, itsIossoIrcIativcs, anditscx-
puIsions Irom thc homcIand. Forhim, thc mass oItimc Ior thc
1 0 I ON A GI NG
ycars 1 939-1 945 s opaquc andhcavy. Thc tcn ycars prcccdng
thc war cxpcrcncc havc bccomcjustasIIcIss, thn, and sIght
n hs mcmory as thc two postwar dccadcs, hvc ycars arc a
Iongcr, wcghtcrtmcthantcnortwcnty. Butwthoutbcngno-
tccd, thc tcmporaI wcghts havcnowbccomc dstrbutcd n a
ncw way. Crass has bccn growng ovcr thc cntrc past, whch
suddcnIyappcars nowtobc IcvcIcd, noIongcrhavnganytmc
vaIucataII.UntI-onc usuaIIydscovcrstwthabIowthc ds-
pIaccmcntoIthc quantaoIthcpast, whchhascontnucdtotakc
pIacc undcr thc grass, bccomcs manIcst. thcn thc tmc oI thc
wars nomorctcdousthanthc
tmc aItcrt, andwhatnowap-

pcars as a mass oI tmc, Ikc a mountan, s pcrhaps just a Icw
summcr wccks, vcry Iar away, thatbroughtwth thcm an aI-
rcadyhaII-IorgottcnIovcaIIar.
Wc ncvcr cstabIsh a rcasonabIc rcIatonshp wth cIock and
caIcndartmc. Furthcrmorc, wcncvcrcvcngctaIongnour ow
tmc, whch stIIconsttutcsourcntrc cgo.Wcddspcndborng
andamusngday:, atIcast thatswhatwc say, casuaIIyandwth-
out cmbarrassmcnt. Howcvcr, Iwctryoncc agantoaccImatzc
ourscIvcs to thoc Iong and short pcrods oI thc tmc oI our
Iormcrdays,wcdscovcrthatsomcthngsnotrght.!twas,tobc
surc,notavcryIongwhIcataIIthatwcspcntnthcborcdomoI
monotony, but a IrghtcnngIy short onc, rcvvng tscII com-
pIctcIy shrvcIcd up and nuII n our mcmory. Tmc that was
cntcrtanngbccausctwascvcntIuIwcrccognzcasaIongtmc
and a grcat timc. Thc cIock ticks rcguIarIy. Today ! tcar offthc
pagc oIa caIcndarjust as ! ddycstcrdayandjust as!wIIdo to-
morrowwhcnt--ant"aboutwhchstIInccdtotaIk-ocs
not ntcrrupt mc uncxpcctcdIy. NcvcrthcIcss, thc pacc oI tmc
docsnotkccpn stcp. ! dot myscII, wthn tmc and wth tmc,
andmagncthat! am, InotabravcmarchcroIthsIIc,atIcast
an ordcrIy onc-. untI ! rccognzc that at onc tmc ! raccd
brcathIcssIyaround,whIcnanothcr!draggcdmyscIIsIuggshIy
aIong, a Ia
yboncs and a maIngcrcr.

So-wouId wc, startng Irom a dIIcrcnt pont andby com-
pIctcIydIIcrcnt paths, comc to thc samc wtty andparadoxcaI
obscrvaton that ourbrd-hcadcd, dsccrnng EngIshman camc
to-that tmc docsnot cxst?Nonscnscl Tmc s aIways within us,
just as spacc s around us. Wc can no morc taIktmc away than
wc can our cxstcncc, cvcn It s somcthng that no onc com-
pIctcIythnks through. But cant wc stIItakcposscssonoIt?
Wc can. Wc hndtmc n ajinj-cvcnIwc do not, Ikc A. de
chez Guermantes, cntcrtan thc poctcIIusonthat wc havc madc
upIortastemps retrouve n our mcmory, pIaccd tn suspcnson,
andthcrcbynsnuatcd ourscIvcs nto ctcrnty.
How !vc bccn runnng, thnks A., and hc wpcs hs brow
wthhs hand. !vcbccnrunnngata trotthroughtmcsnccthc
cnd oIthc war, andnow !mtrcdandIccIcompcIIcdtorcstabt
by thc sdc oI thc road. Ycstcrdaywhcn thc bIood and thc
dcath wcrc ovcr, ! thought a grcat Iuturcwascomngtowardmc.
At thc tmc wc wcrcbIndIyrunnngon thc LcIt Bankn totaI
ragctowardthatIuturc. Sant-Ccrman-dcs-Prcs, La RoscRougc,
Sartrc, Irom thc rcsstancc to thc rcvoIuton. But tmc ordcrcd
thngs dIIcrcntIy, and out oIthcwIdgaIIopthcrc grcwa rcgu-
Iartrot, thcIattcrpcrhapsmorctrngthanthcIormcr. !arrangcd
myscII to htnto a worId that ! had wantcd to bc dIIcrcntbut
whchnts waywantcdmc dIIcrcnt and nthat vcryuncquaI
battIc carrcdoIIthcvctory.ThccntccmcntoIaIaIscbourgcos
rcspcctabIty. An apartmcnt, smaII, a car, smaII. Abankaccount,
onIy Ior thc sakc oI an occasonaI rcmttancc. But stII. apart-
mcnt, car, and bank account, attancd at a trng trot, and thc
1 2 I ON A GI NG
Irccdom oI thc garrct, thc Irccdom oI onc who totaIIy had
countcdonnothng, sgoncwthtmcandi tmc.-
How!havcbccnrunnng, A. thnksn cxhauston, andnow,
whatcvcrhappcns, ! amtakng tmc to catchmy brcath and to
thnkthngsovcr, IorthcstrcctsarcbccomngIongcrandIongcr
andmyIcgsshortcrandshortcr.Mybrcathsgcttnghcavcr,my
muscIcs wcakcr, mybranmorc rdcuIous. But cvcnwtha r-
dcuIousbran,youcanstIIthnkaboutcxstcnccandthcpassagc
oItmc and thc agng proccss markng yourbrow, bcttcr cvcn
thanwtha hghIysharpcncdntcIIcct, snccthcIattcrsaIways
crcatngordcrwhucyou,IyourcaIIywanttokccptrackoItmc,
arcstIIsupposcd.ogvcwaytodsordcr.
.
Y Youvcgottomakc tyourntcIIcctuaIambton, A.thnks, to
1
trytohndoutabouttmc.YoumaybcsatshcdcvcnIwhatcvcr
comcsoutoIt sbadasIongast s rght, bywhch rght"wont
mcancorrcct,"sthoncst.!sthatmcanttobcsomcthngIkc
ntutvcknowIcdcHcavcns, nol Thsknd oIbad, butcorrcct,
thnkngsonIyIGrbnc0|wilThc rcst wouId bc
IL,)aurc or
g
hI
_@
hy, andthcy arc good Ior nothng ataII n
i ths mattcr.
l.
Rgorous rcason, aworthwhIc nstrumcnt oIthoughtand, to
bc surc, thc onIyoncthats quaIhcdtopursuc postvc knowI-
cdgc, provcs tscIt to bc uscIcss whcrcvcr IundamcntaI contra-
dctons cxcIudc thc compIctc justhcaton oI somcthng. !n
kccpngtrackoItmc,wcpassovcrccrtanruIcsoIconvcntonaIIy
IogicaIthought. Thcrc arc novaIdrcguIatonscvcnIorwhatwc
wanttocxprcssbccausctmc,unIkcspacc, snotacquantcdwth
thc IogcoIrcaIty. Past, prcscnt,Iuturc, thc hrst bchnd mc, thc
sccondbcsdcmcandwthmc, thcthrdbcIorc mc. sucharcthc
cIamsoIthcwaywcspcakandordnarIythnk.Thatthcycannot
bccorrcctwth rcgard tothcprcscnts thc hrst and most trvaI
1 3 I Existence and the Passage of Time
dcathatgctsnourway, sncc, as wc sadaIrcadyn agrccmcnt
wthRusscII,thcprcscntdocsnotcontanastrctchoItmc.Wcvc
bccnhcIpngourscIvcsaIongwtharthcaIconccpts.tmccannot
bcaIncIromthc pastthat conncctsbythc shortcst patha start-
ng pont to an cnd, but s nstcad a cId
ntc
tonaItcs. "
OrdnaryIanguagcusagc,whchhasnotIstcncdtothcphcnomc-
noIogst andhas notnccdcdto, sncctstIImrrors thc cvcryday

rcaIty that taIIcomcs down to-ordnary Ianguagchasknown
aII aIong that ts@_Wc taIk about a
|'
scnt" andccrtanIy ncvcr mcanandcaIpontthatcannotbcI
cxtcn
cd. WhocvcrtaIks aboutthc prcscntunconscousIycon-
strucs Irom a cIass oI data a systcm, a hcId, " I thats a morc
appcaIng cxprcsson. !na partcuIar contcxt,
hs
now"contansntscIIccrtanpastandIuturcquanta.Dcpcndng
onhowthatwhchs sad and donc httogcthcrtodchnct, t can
bcthc momcntoIa scnsuaImpuIsc orthc nstant whcn !burn
myhngcrwthacgarcttc, aswcIIasthcIourwccksoIvacaton!
am now spcndng by thc sca or thc currcnt ycar n whch my
carccrtakcsa ncwturn.! am nthc mdst oItnwccks or n a
ycar, but! saynow, " I Iay outa hcId oItmc that ncIudcsa Iu-
turc and a past and caII t thc prcscnt. And thus tmc s not a
pcrsonaIprobIcmIoranyoncwhosIvngIorthcworId-untI, oI
coursc, thcmomcntwhcn onc rcaIzcs, AIas, whcrc havc aIImy
ycarsgonc. ' OnIythcn, whcnoncbccomcsawarc oIwhathas
dsappcarcdandgoncbcyondrccaII, asA.docs,scttIngdownby
thcwaysdc, docsonc undcrstandtmcasa qucstondrcctcdat
oncscII.
\
Attcmpts to hndananswcrtoths qucston comc to a stand-
stII.VcrysuddcnIyncthcrIncnorhcIdarc suIhccnt. Thc past
s thcrc, n thc prcscnt, and t stays thcrc. But thc prcscnt and
thc IuturcIoscthcrcharactcrastmc. Thc prcscnts constantIy
.
(
\
.
\
J
:
_\|l
v\ oJ r
J ",(
1 6 I ON A GING
WhatsnstorcIorthcmsdcath,twIItakcthcmcompIctcIyout
oIspacc, thcrscIvcsandwhatcvcrrcmansoIthcrbodcs,twII
dc-spacc thcm, t wII takc IIc and thc worId Irom thcm and
abductthcmIromthcworIdandthcrownspacc.Thus, asagng
pcrsons thcy arc stII onIy tmc. whch thcy arc compIctcIy as
pcrsonswhoarctmc,posscsstmc, andknowtmc.
But docsntthatmakcIIc a kndoIbcng-toward-dcath?Just
bccausc tmc hastomakc dcathgrowto Iruton andbccausc n
thatproccsstspurctcmporaItybccomcstransparcnt, sntthcrc-
Iorc thc rcaI dmcnson oIbcng human prccscIy thc Iuturc as
tmc? !t s and t isnt, and n thc ycs-and-no that scrvcs as an
answcrtothsqucstonthcno carrcsmorcwcghtthanthcycs.
TowatIordcathandthcrcIorcbcntmc-thatwontIcadany-
whcrc. For whcn ! wat, thcn thcrc s aIways somcthng, thc
arrvaI and Iuturc oIwhchIuIhIIsthc tmcoI my watng. Thus
thc young man wats, wats Ior thc woman hc Iovcs, Ior thc
Iandscapc hc wou'd Ikc to scc, Ior thc workthat hc spIannng
ashsown. Butwhcrc dcathcomcsntopIay asthcgoaIoIoncs
cxpcctaton, whcrc, Iorthcagng, ths dcath, asthccxpcctcd, n-
crcascs tsproportionoIrcaItycvcryday gnd an_ othcr rcwarp
I

tngc
cF co
_
g
a
no ngt s I? Iongcrpo
-
sbIcspcakoItmc-n-thc-Iuturc. For thc dcaththatyct
- ~~- -. *
- m+~. ~~ -
.
s nota somcthng_t_
_(
gTo
wat Iort s not a bcng-toward-tbccausc t s nothng. Dcath
docsnotsavcthcIuturcasa dmcnsonoItmc.Onthccontrary,
through ts tolaI rcgatvty, through thc compIctc dcbacIc that
cannot bc rcscndcd and that s ts mcanng (nsoIar as wc can
stII cvcn spcak oImcanng, whch s onIy condtonaIIyadms-
sbIc) , dcath canccIs thc scnsc oIcvcrykndoI rcason. !t s not
~ ~ m~ WW~ W @ @
thc bony man with hs scythc and hourgIass who takcs us
homc"-and whcrc wouId that homc bc, anyway? !ts thc rc-
J
suIt, contradctoryntscII, oI mybcngtakcn outoIspaccnthc
most ItcraI mcanng oIthc word: my an-nhIaton.
!n addton, t s not untI onc s agng that onc cxpcrcnccs
tmc as rrcvcrsbIc n ts cntrcty. Wc spcak oI thc autumnoI
IIc"-charmng mctaphorl Autumn? AItcr autumn comcs a
wntcr, aItcrthatonccaganasprngandthcnasummcr. Forthc
agng, howcvcr, thcautumnoIIIcsthcIast autumnandthcrc-
Iorc not anautumnataII. Thc youngarc ncvcr prcscntcd wth
t
[
csrrcvcrsbItyntscompIctcncxorabIty. Autumn, wntcr,
sprng, summcr, and autumn oncc agan. Many such scasonaI
changcsIcbcIorc thcm.Whatwont turnupnthccarIypartoI
ths ycar wIIcomc nthcncxt, nthc ycar aItcrncxt, nany onc
oIthcIoIIowngsprngs, not objcctvcIycnumcratcd, tobcsurc,
yctna subjcctvcwaygcnuncIyappcarngtobcnnumcrabIc,
scasonsthatwIIstIIbcprcparngworIdandspaccIorthcm.OnIy
thc agng, whoalIat oncc know howtocountthc autumnsand
thcwntcrswthhorrIyngcxactncss,snccthcystIImcasurcthc
scasonsaganstthoscthathavcpasscdandgoncntothcm, ndcr-
tnd)_
@c oI tmc as
a
_
rrcvcrsbIty-too horrbIc to
compIan about, sncc so much has sIppcd by and aIrcady run
past.
Oncc thc agng rcaIzc that thcy arc onIyjust tmc and wII
soon bc rcmovcd Irom spacc, a numbcr oIIIusonary comIorts
appcartothcm,bcsdcscvcnthcgrcatcstandmostbcguIngIIu-
sonoIaII,
oA.-Iust
whcnasthmapIagucdhmand
hcscrbbIcdawayonthcRecherche nbcdnhsscaIcdroom,muI-
IIcd up n wooI scarvcs, thought hc couId takc posscsson n
mcmoryoIa morc rcaIrcaItyandaIongwthtsomcthng Ikc
tmcIcssncssorcvcnctcrnty. AsarcsuIt, agrcatworkoIItcraturc
camcntobcng. But, whcnhccamctohsIastbrcathandhcwas
torn Irom thc worId n agony, hs achcvcmcnt was no Iongcr
1 8 I ON A GING
uscIu
]
ohm. OthcrsIookntothcrspacctosccwhattwIIbc
IkcaItcrthcm.ahouscwhcrcchIdrcnandthcrchIdrcnschI-
drcnwIIbcactvcandwIIwork,atombstonc,grayandpowcrIuI,
wIItcstIyIorthcm,thcrbookswIIbconshcIvcsorthcrpant-
ngswIIhangon muscum waIIs. ButthchouscwIIdctcroratc
andthcgrandchldrcnwIIbcscattcrcdtoaIIthcwnds, andthc
books andthc pcturcs wIIquckIybc Iorgottcn. !nthcParsan
ccmctcryPcrc-LachasconccansccmausoIcums,IaIIngapartand
ncgIcctcd,wthratsncstngnthcm.Wordsarcwrttcnonthcm
n Iadcd goId. "Concession a perpetuiti" (pIot purchascd n pcr-
pctuty), asIabourgcosIortunccouIdatIcastacqurcapscudo-
ctcrnty n spacc Housc and homc, book, pcturc, and tomb,
cvcrythngwIIbcIkcthcnghtsoIIovcandpanoIthcdcccascd.
asgoodasIthcynadncvcrcxstcd.
!tmaybcthat thcgasqg o[tmc n agngs mostntcnscIy
IcItby a pcrsonvhoscIIcaIways sccms tobc Ioundcrng, a rate
or IaIurc dsposscsscd oI aII IIusons,justas Iack oIsucccss, or,
bcttcr, cosmc Ial urc, opcns a pcrson up touItmatc qucstons.
Thc rate A. , aIonc n a caIc, who has no chIdrcn and cannot
cIamto thcmragc oI Iamc aItcrdcath, who wII not havc hs
owngravcstonccrcctcd, anddocsnotcvcnhavctomakca wII,
caIcuIatcs nstcad thatt wouIdbc bcst toscIIhs own cadavcr to
thc anatomcaI nsttutc-hc knows morc IundamcntaIIy than
othcrsthathc s onIy a bundIc oItmc. Hc hasaIwaysposscsscd
onIya IttIcbloIpacc, cvcrsnccnothngcamc oIcastnghm-
scIIntothcworId. "Hcs accustomcdtoIcthmscIIsIdcntothc
wcIIoIthcpastandtoIookIorhmscIIthcrc ntmc.Hsncgh-
borwththc bgcarand manyrooms raccsnosIyarounduntI
onc daya pan n hs chcst sccms to tcar hm opcn asIhc had
bccnhungonancathookandthcdoctortaIks soItIytohs wIc
oIcardacnIarcton, hcs takcn out oI spacc bcIorc hc cvcn has
thc ntcnton oI hndng thc tmc to thnk about tmc. But thc
agngrate has a gooddca aboutwhcrchc hascomc toand, cvcn
Ihc docsnotrcaIIyknow" nthc scnscoIhavnguscIuInsghts
Iorhs Iuturc n spacc, hc stII experiences t-morc than thc Ioud
man n thc housc ncxt door.
OncthngthatvaIdatcswhatwcarcprcscntnghcrcasaImost
bcnghumanIycorrcct-thoughnottrucl -thattmcandtsrrc-
vcrsbItyarconIyIuIIy rcaIzcd n agng, s thcburnngandj ust
ashopcIcsswshoIthoscgcttngonnycarsIorthc r1 of time.
What has happcncd shouId unhappcn, what has not happcncd
shouIdtakc pIacc. A.has rcgrcts.Hc shouIdhavc donconcthng
' '
andIctanothcrbc,buthchastorcaIzcthatdongandnotdong
arc no Iongcr rcscndabIc. hc cannot bcstow to hs past IIc thc
scnscandthcvaIucthathcwouIdwanttogvct now, bccausc hc
no Iongcrrccognzcs thc mcanng hcwouIdIormcrIyyvc1tqnd
thc vaIuc t wouId hoId. !nstcad oI watng IorrcvoIuton]
w > - ~ - .~"
cmcrgcIrom resistance, maybc hcshouIdhavcwork,rcat
en
-
iithc ycarsaItcr 1 945. onnothngcIscbutdcvcIopnghs
Ianguagc. Butnow t s too Iatc, thc scnscoIhs IIc, a nonscnsc
whcn hc Iooks at t cxactIy, s alrcady gathcrcd up n hm asa
mass oItmc. Thc rcaIhas washcd ovcrwhatwas onccpossbIc,
thcsubstancctobcdcaItwthcannoIongcrbcmoIdcd.Hcrcgrcts
that hc has dawdIcd. Now hc has aIrcady msscd thc boat.
WhcrcvcrhcIookshc sccsonthcwaII.ncvcragan.
Pcrhaps ths rcgrctandthsncvcragan, " both oIwhch onc
can bc ccrtanabout cvcn wthoutcompIctcIyand uncondton-
aIIybcIcvngn thcm, Ic at thcbasc sourcc oIthc IcaroIdcath.
AItcr aII, dcath not onIy rcmovcs us Irom spacc but t aIso dc-
stroysthctmc that hasbccnstackcdupnsdc us. ConscqucntIy,
not cvcn our rcgrct, whch Ior aIIts hopcIcssncss stII mantans
a tracc oIabsurdhopc, sabIc to cxstanymorc.Wthtmc, cvcn
20 I ON A GING
ourIongng Ior t: rcvcrsaI hasto dsappcar. Lct tmc turnback
n tstracksIctusbcaswcwcrctwcntyycarsago-Ictt bcIast
wcckIct t bc ycstcrday cvcnngl " say Kng Bcrangcr and
QuccnMarc.' But tmc docsnotturnback-tIe rai se meurt. Thc
morc dchntvcIy wc rccognzc ourscIvcs as agng pcrsons,:
_,. - - -~

`
morc cxactIywccxpcrcncctmcntsrrcvcrsblty, thc morc n
dcsparwc hghtaganstt, and at thc samc tmc and nthcsamc
brcaththc morc ntmatcIy wcbcIongto t. !ts cvcrythng that
wc stlI arc. wc can no morc gvc t up than wc can gvc our-
sclvcs up, cvcn though wc know that wc wII Iosc t and
ourscIvcs, tomorrow, nthc coursc oI thc ycar, nhvc, n tcn
ycars, t rcaIIy docsntmattcranymorc.
Wc wcrc sayng that an agng human bcng s a bundIc oI
tmc ora strathcd massoItmc.That docsntmcanthat onc can
takc thc bundlc apart and put t back togcthcrat wII, that onc
canIccIthroughthcIaycrs, thatonccanbcthcIordoIoncstmc.
Psychatrsts tcach usthat thcmcntaIIyllarc dsorcntcdn spacc
andtmc. WhatcvcrkndoIspacc svaIdIorthosc suIIcrngIrom
mcntaI IIncss, t an attrbutc oI cvcn a hcaIthy pcrsonsbcng
n tmc. Thc agng, whcn thcypIungc downnto tmc, IalI, Ikc
watcrIromrocktorock,ntosomcthngunccrtan.Wthrclatvc
ccrtanty, thcy can rcad thc past n thc tabulatons oIphyscaI
tmc, aIthough cvcn that s notaIways succcssIuI. Thcy arc not
aIwayssurc thatt was hvc ycarsago orIour, and thcy hcstatc
n gvng thc cxacttmcwhcntcllngthcstory.OIgrcatcrconsc-
qucncc, howcvcr, s thc Iact that thc grd thc agng usc to
communcatc wth othcrs whcn thcy tcmzc pcrods oI tmc
docsnt conccrn thcm, that hvc-ycarsago" Iccls no 0rtQ
t
Irom hItccn-ycar -ago,"
thati|cthc ndvdual laycrs oItmc

' ` ' * ' ` . "^
may changc thcr spcchc gravty Ior thcm, such a changc has
nothng to do wth chronoIogy. !ts n ths scnsc thatthosc who
havc dscovcrcdthcr tmc Ivc compIctcIy unhstorcaIIy.
ForA., whontcndstorc;aar| at t
_
chomcoItbc
Prnccdc
Cucrmantcs, thc yjlc.tcpcmbcrs havc Do chronoIogcaI
ordcr. Thc IaccoIhs mothcrovcrhsbcd, thc soundoIthcron
gardcngatcshuttngwhcnSwanncamctovst, ancvcnngwth
Sant-LoupnDonccrcs, thc tastcoIthcmadcIcnccookc, and
thc mcmory oI a drcss oI thc Duchcss Oranc, aII dIIcrcntatc
thcmscIvcsthrough dcgrccs oIntcnstywthoutgannganysg-
nhcancc Ior hm. Just Ikc thc rcst oI us, A. hadIosthswayn
tmc.!ntcrvaIs,days,wccks,ycars,ddnotmattcrtohmanymorc
thanthctmc dsspatcdbythc othcrbrothcrsddtothcmonkoI
Hcstcrbachonhsrcturnhomc tovcspcrs.'Bccauscthctmcthat
hc Iound agan ddnot havc a chronoIogcaIstructurc,bccausct
was morcovcr onIy lived tmc and as such ndcpcndcnt oI bo-
graphcaIIyhxcddatcs,A.IookcdIortnthcIcvcIsoIntcnstyoI
what had dcd away. But thcy wcrc aIso changng n tmc and
wth tmc. Evcn bcIorc hc was takcn out oI spacc, hc hmscII
stcppcd out oIspacaIty and thc worId gvcnn thc prcscnt, oI
whchhc sadthathchadsccntprcvousIyonIythroughhsdc-
cctIuIscnscs. "HcgavcupthcworIdtobccomctmc, tobccomc
hmscII. hc rcmcmbcrcdwhatwas strathcd nhmastmc, bc-
causchcwastootrcdtokccpwantngtocxprcsshmscII. AIIhc
hadwasthcIcaroIdcath,bccausctddnotj ustrcmovcthcbody
IromspaccbutaIsowthdrcwIromthsbodytstime. !ttookIrom
hmthctmc hc had Ivcd through, tmcnwhchhc aIonc had
bccnabIctohndthatscIItowhchhc,Ivngdans Ie monde (nthc
worId) , thcworIdundcrstoodhcrcasbothphcnomcnaIhcIdand
cIcgantsoccty, " hadnotbccngrantcdanyrghtoIposscsson.
A.rcmcmbcrcdandrcmndcdhimself: . c. , hcbccamchmscII
n rcmcmbcrng. Whathc ddnttcII us aboutnhsnotcs about
22 I ON A GING
hsactuaI recherche du temps perdu, sthatkndoItmcthatcvcn
thoscpcopIcscnscwcghngnsdcthcmscIvcswhoscmcmorcs
IadcawayandwhoarcnotncIncd, orIackthcstrcngth,totryto
hndthcmscIvcs.-Thcagng-notjusttospcakoIthcoIdorcvcn
thc drowsy and vc)
Id
ccI thc wcght oI tmc strata cvcn

whcnthcyarcnotIumbIngaItcrthcmnmcmory.ThcIccIngs
constantIyprcscntwthnthcm-andnotonIybccauscoIthcd-
\
mnshngpowcrsoIthcrbodcsorthcncrcasngsuIIcrngsthcsc
|
bodcs causc thcm-that thcy carry time nsdc thcmscIvcs d
thcrcIorcdonotcvcnnccdto
zc t
;s!n hcrmc .
A
t
-
_
c-pastsprcscnt, cvcn wthout cach mcmory, asapur
IccI-
ng, an mmcdatc and ncommuncabIc quaIty. !n ordcr to
symboIzctnIanguagc,wchavctobrngnmctaphorsIromthc
worIdoIspacc, IwcarctosayanythngataIIaboutt.Thcwcght
oItmc rcsts cvcnnsomconcwhocanstII rcmcmbcr onIyaIcw
ncdcnts thatgvt tsubstancc.Wththattbccomcspure tmc,
makngthcnncrscnsc" prcscnt, morcauthcntctousthanthc
outcrscnsc, "thc pcrccptuaIIormoIspacaIty.
Spacc, cvcn my sacc, thc posscsson oI whch gcts mc
throughthcspataIIorm oIntuton, sIkcwscandaIways thc
spa
oI othcrs. anntcrsubjcctvcIy undcrstandabIc phcnomc-

non. Thcrc s no:hng mmcdatc about t, nor s thcrc any
ncommcnsurabIty bctwccn Ivcd spacc and thc mcasurabIc
spacc oI sccncc. But wth mytmc ! am aIonc, no mattcr how
much! maybc rcqurcdtocommuncatc t. Thus, thcIccIngoI
tmc has a dramatcaspcct that s not nthc IcastcomparabIcto
that oIthc IccIng oI spacc.
AnA. wcknowwcIIIaytcddownIorsxmonthsnahaII-
darksoItaryccII.Hchadnospacc,partIybccauscthcccIIwastny
andonIysIghtlyIt, partIybccauschsbondskcpthmIrommov-
ng. !nthcIongrun, hcgotuscdtot, hc ddnotlackspacconcc
23 , Existence and the Passage of Time
hc hadacccptcdthc IactoIhswthdrawaI Irom thc worId. Buths
Ivcd tmc manIcstcd tscII wth a much grcatcr dcnsty. From
mnutctomnutcandsccondtosccond, t sothoroughIybccamc
thc past nsdc hm that thc suppcr oI soup hc had cnjoycd an
hourcarIcrwasnoIcssdstantIromhmthanthcchIdhoodcx-
pcrcncchchadjustrcmcmbcrcd.HcwasaIrcadyhaIIrcmovcd
Iromspacc,andhc dscovcrcdatthatpont, onccandIoraII, that
Ivcdtmc n ccrtan crcumstanccshastocompcnsatcIorworId.
thcIormcrwascntrcIyhsposscssonandhsauthcntcty,butby
thcIattcrhcwasconstantIydupcd. Whcnwctakcupthcprospcct
oIscII-rcaIzaton, wc hopc tocngravc our scaI upon thcworId.
ButthcnttransprcsthatcvcrydcsobItcratcdby anothcr. A
potcntaIwIIdocsnotIcadtobccomngancgo,nortotakngpos-
scssonoIthcworId. !tsonIyabrcathIcssIosngoIourscIvcsto
Iorcgnpowcrsthatarcovcrpowcrngus.
!nthccnd, A. , nhsccIInthcmdstoIthcmanyparadoxcs
andabsurdtcshcbumpcdntowhIc rcIIcctngoncxstcnccn
spaccandtmc,camctorcaIzcthconcgrcatIactthataIIothcram-
bgutcsandcontradctonshoIdcncIoscdnthcmscIvcs. thatby
bcng-n-thc-worId,bybcng cast ntothcworIdoIspacc,ancgos
notyctpossbIc,ancgowIIonIycomcntobcngnthcstruggIc
aganstthcworIdandngcntIcpIaywtht,thatbythctmcancgo
hasconsoIdatcdtscIInoncsmnd.tstime runby,tmcwthout
worId, andthsshadowycgo-n-tmchasthccmotonaIquaItyoI
ncrtmournngandrcsgnaton,thatcvcntuaIIyncthcrthccgo-
n-thc-worIdnorthccgo-n-tmccanbcrealit.
AndyctaIIoIusarcstIIrcaIandapartoIrcaItyasIongaswc
rcmannspaccand carrytmcwthnus. OnIywhcn ouraII-too- _
strcnuous mcdatonsaboutcxstcncc and thcpassagcoI tmc,
condcmncdtoIutItyIromthcstart,havcdrvcnusntomadncss
orsucdc,arcthccontradctonshnaIIyrcsoIvcdnthcabsurdty
24 I ON A GING
oIIunacyorscIIdcstructon.ThcrcIorc, A. sstatc oImndnhs
ccIIwasdIIcrcntIromthatoIsomcoIthc comradcswthwhom
hc Iatcr dscussccthc naturc oItmc spcntn such soItary con-
hncmcntundcrathrcatoIdcath.ManyoIthcmhadnotgvcnup
thc hopcthatcomcsIromthcdcsrcto castthcmscIvcsntothc
worId. A. Iookcd ahcadto hs cxpcctcd cndwthoutgrcat Icar.
:'J'.\ ' ',. `` ` `^
Not bccauschc was couragcous-hcwasnt-butbccauschc had
bccomcastrcd as thcgucstoIthc CucrmantcswhcnhcIcItthc
prnccs matine tc go to work n hs cork-pancIcd room. AII hs
mcdtatons, ncccssarIy transIormcdnto broodngs, had worn
hmout, snccwhathcwastryngtothnkupwas nconccvabIc
andcouIdnotcvcnbcbroughltomnd.Thoscwhoarcnotsats-
hcdthatwccxstnrcaItyandreally arc,justbccauscothcrssay
soandactIkcpcopIcwhorcaIIybcIcv
hcyIvcnarcaIIy
I
t
;;;;;
c
E
c
a
s

thcmscIvcsandtothcworId, sncc thcy stII wshto thnkth
n-
thnkabIc. Thcyarc n a badway, and thc onIyIorms oI rcIcI
rcmanngtothcmarcthoscIkcA. sIatcscarchIorhsIosttmc.
Tobcsurc, th:srcIcIwasonIynccdcdbythoscwhoactuaIIy
camcIromthcabsurdtyoIcxstcnccnthcpassagcoItmctothc
cdgc oIa madncssthatspcrhapsthconIyanswcrtowhats not
onIythcmosttormcntngqucstonoIbcngthatcanprcscnttscII
to us, butthcmostdccctIuI onc. Wc rackourbransna scarch
that Icads to dccpbroodngand Iromthcrc to pondcrng pn-
scnsc.NottodSl) s
oIvcn
lmcandrcaItyIkcEvcryman.onc
` -
. " -
- . * ``` ``
s 1I a knd oI cquIbrum that cannot bc dcstroycd by
anythngbutusuaIIy rcconstructstscIInaknd oI sprtuaIccII-
rcncwaI. OnchangsbctwccndcathandmadncssnabaIanccn
whch a spataIzcd chronoIogcaI tmc and Ivcd tmc havc ap-
proxmatcIythcsamcwcghtandwhcrcthcbransncrtaactsas
a IormoI scII-protccton. Pcrhapsonc clamstohavca natural
IccIngIortmc, " aguarantccoIahcalthymndandthcstrcngth
tocndurc.
WththsIccIng,arcwcsmpIywthdrawngIromthc dangcr
zoncoImcntalworkntothccomIortoIconvcnton?Whcnwcrc
notcavcsdroppngon ourscIvcs, wc dondccd spcak IIucntIy oI
tmc asIwckncwaII about t. tomorrow wcII scc cach othcrat
twclvc,aycarago!vstcdthcLorccastlcs,watngatthcdcntst
sborngandtmc-consumng. Exstcnccwthn soccty Iorccsus
toownawatch, towrtcdownappontmcntsnanotcbook,torc-
scrvcapIacconthcIcrryIora trp onapartculardayacross thc
EngIsh ChanncI. !n thc pcacc that comcs wth Irccdom Irom
thnkng,wchavcapast, prcscnt, andIuturc,asthcyarccxpcctcd
oI us bccausc wc arc mcant to bc IunctonaI . But n thc cnd,
whatsnotqucstonabIcto us, prccsclythat naturaI IccIngIor
tmc"thatwcboastaboutandnwhoscccrtantywcknowour-
scIvcs to bc supcror to anyonc pondcrng nonscnsc, may stII
bc dIIcrcnt Irom comIort and acqucsccncc to thc law oI thc
Iunctonal . !t actuaIIy has much morc to do wth naturc," wc
couldarguc, andnotonIywththcnaturcoIphyscaIandmathc-
matcalordcr, dcrvcdIrom thc sccncc oIrcaIty, butwthlived
naturc, nature vicue, tovarya conccptIamlartous.
Bccauscwclive, ccrtanIy.!tcanbcassumcdwchavcawound.
Athrst, twlInotclosc,toozcspusandcauscsuspan,sothatwc
notccthrstas anattackIromspaccoutsdc oIus, onourbody,
whchwconIyIuIIyposscsswhcnwc dont,. c. , whcnwcrcnot
awarcoIt.Butthcntgctsbcttcr.ThcstruggIcwththcnIccton
swonbythc organsm, thcwoundcIoscs-andnow, aIIat oncc,
tstmcthatwpcsoutthcnjury.Wthcachdaythatpasscs, thc
wound, hcaIng upwth ncwtssuc,bccomcs morc and morc a
Ivcd tmc and lvcd naturc, uptothc day oItmcstrumph, on
26 I ON A GING
whch, thankstothattmc-sadtohcaIaIIwounds, somcthng
whchonthccontrary,tdocsnotdoataII-thswoundnIactno
Iongcrcxsts.Thcwoundhasbccomcascab,takcncarcoIbytmc,
and s tscII not tmc any morc nor cvcn a spataI cxtcror, but
smpIyapartoIthcbody, noIongcrnotcngtscIIandbcIongng
tothcworId.
SoobvousIythcrcrcaIIyssuchathngasanaturaIIccIngIor
tmc, onc that gocs bcyond convcntons that arc opcratonaIIy
ncccssary. But to meditate about time is not natural and is not intended
to be so. !tsthcworkoIhumanbcngswhoarc horrhcd,whoarc
-, . ..,j
noIongcratpcaccwththcmscIvcsbccauscthcrdsquctdocsnot
Icavc thcmn pcacc and thcywouIdIkc to hnd thcmscIvcs by
abandonngthcmscIvcs,hndthcmscIvcsnthctmcwhoscsccrct
oncdaydstrcsscsthcmnthcragngandstrsthcmup. !stbc-
causc thcyvc rccognzcd that thc hcaIng oI cvcry wound s
dcccptvc, snccbcyondcvcryconvaIcsccnccthcrcstandswatng
Iorthcmandcvtryonc cIsc thcuItmatcdsabIty, aItcrwhchno
tssuc rcncws tscII any morc?!stbccauscthcy cannot comc to
tcrmswththcIact that thcyarcnowprcscntn spacc and tmc
but, onaccrtandaygcttngncarcrandncarcrthcywIInoIongcr
bc thcrc? T
g
I
g'
s
_s
cpg)|QasothaW of mJ IU~
-
rcadygathcrcdupthc:,
avci
\
'
g " ~ --
~ - -
spacc nwhch hcy can rcman a bt Iongcr. WhIc thcr tmc
g]Q
i; ,
uyarc stIIonIycrcaturcs
oItmc.EachoIthcmsays !" andmcans mytmc. " Andmorc
and morc thcy arc bccomng strangcrs to thc othcrs-to thosc
whosmpIyIcttimctckaway, andcvcntothoscsharp-hcadcd
othcrswhompcscupontmcthcordcroIthcrwcII-Iunctonng
mnds.

Stranger to Onesel
ForthcpastIcwwccks,A. hasbccnnotcng, whcnshcstandsn
IrontoIthcmrrornthcmornng,thatIttIcycIIownodcsoIskn
orcxcrcsccnccscanbcsccnOnhcrcycIds. Thcy causcnoIurthcr
dscomIort, donthurt whcn touchcd, and can cIcarIybcjudgcd
harmIcss. ThcyrcnotcvcnpartcuIarIyugIy,justdshgurngna
vcryImtcddcgrcc,onIynotccabIcbyothcrsIthcyarccxpIctIy
pontcdout.ButIorA. thcy add toa knd oIpca;ncss that has
turncdupnrcccntycars,ancwknd,wthoutpanc,yctstIItor-
mcntng n a dcIcatcIy nsdous way. Shc consuItcdhcr smaII
popuIarhandbookoImcdcnc,wthwhchshcconccrnshcrscII,
tohcrownchagrn,morcandmorcoItcn, andconcIudcdthatshc
was aIIIctcd wthxanthcIasma, somcthng causcdbyccrtandc-
posts, cspccaIIythcothcrwschatcdsubstancc choIcstcroI, whch
hc
organsmsapparcntIyproducngnncrcasngquantty. Xan-
thcIasma aIso cngcndcrs, Ior a momcnt, an assocaton wth
Xanthppc, whchntcnshcdAsdscomIort, cvcn thoughtwas
known to hcr that thc rcputaton oI thc quarrcIsomc tcmpcra-
mcnt,cIngngtothcwIc oISocratcs,wasunjusthcd.
28 ON A GING
ThusA. , hItyycarsoId, caIInghcrscIIwthunbccomnghu-
morXanthppcbccauscoIhcrycIIowdshgurcmcnts,practccsn
IrontoIhcrmrrorabusncssoIscII-asscssmcntandIIumnaton
oIthcdarkstatcoIaIIarsoIbothaIcnatonIromhcrscIIandscII-
cnrchmcnt, oIanavcrson, cvcna rcsstancc, tothccgoIIcckcd
wthycIIowandookngbackathcrIromthcmrror,asshcsomc-
tmcspompousIysaysoIhcrscII,wthravshcd" cycs. Sncc shc
suntrancdnthcwork oIthcmndandIccIsbothrcduccdand
cxctcdbythsncwhostIty, tsundcrstandabIc thatshcathrst
IooksIorassstarcc. OnccanIookattIromwhatcvcrangIc onc
Ikcs,tsstIIa qucstonoIthcIaIurc oIthcmctaboIsm, hcncca
manIcstatonoIoIdagc, andshc turns Ioradvcc to Smonc dc
Bcauvor, a wrtcrshc consdcrsa Ircnd cvcn thoughthcyhavc
ncvcr mct, whohaswrttcnsothoroughIyandbcautIuIIyabout
la force des chases t thcIorccoIcrcumstanccs) , cspccaIIythccondi
tion of aging. ! oItcn stop, IIabbcrgastcd, at thc sght oI ths
ncrcdbIc thng that scrvcs mc as a Iacc," hcrIrcnd wrtcs. !
Ioathcmyappcaranccnow.thccycbrowssIppngdowntoward
thcbagsundcrncath, thccxccssvcIuIIncssoIthcchccks, andthat
aroIsadncss arcund thc mouththatwrnkIcsaIwaysbrng. . . . !
scc myIaccastwas, attackcdbythcpoxoItmcIorwhchthcrc
snocurc. "' A.mumbIcs. poorSmonc, youwhosuIIcrwthout
bcngaXanthpcIkc mc. -ButshcsstIInotcntrcIysatshcd
wthhcrIrcnd, cvcnIIuIIoIsympathy, bccausc aIthoughthc
Iattcr has ccrtainIycompIancd,just as A. has, shc has not dc-
scrbcdwhatstIhappcnsbcyondorbcncaththcjusthcdocca-
sonIorthccompIant. thatswhatmattcrstoA.
What s thc bass Ior thc dcIcatcIy sawng pan that had aI-
rcady ovcrtakcn A. cvcrymornng n Iront oI thc mrror Iong
bcIorc thcycIIowIIccksappcarcdonhcrcycIds? !tmaybcthat
somcwhcrc, stor:ddccpwthnhcr, thcrcsahorrorthatIorthc
29 I Stranger to Oneself
prcscntcant copcwthagng andthc organsmsdctcroratont
causcs, a dccp Icar oI hcr cgo, whchatthc samc tmc s a non-
cgo. A. can stII obscrvc t, not onIy n thc mrror but aIso by
touchngt.Thus,thchandthatIccIstscIIbccomcsnanuncanny
wayaIccIng hand as wcII, thcnon-cgo, sothat constantIy, cvcn
n youth, thc most prmaIIy IamIar thng comcs bcIorc us as
somcthngaIcn.Thsshuddcr,partoIourbaschumancondton,
sndccddsguscdbycvcrydayIIc-(howbrghtordarkthcncw
Ipstcks, sn'tthcIashonabIchardoaIttIctoobouIIant, sntthc
ncckIacc just a nuancc too ndscrcct?)-so that onc can stcp
awayIromthcmrror, toIcrabIyposcd, andprcscntoncscIItothc
day.ButthcthncvcrydayIaycrsrupturcdwhcncvcrthcagng
humancrcaturc, scckngaItcrthctraccsoItsagng, rcmanshxcd
nIrontoItsmrrormagc.thcnwcarcsuddcnIyconIrontcdwth
thchorror that wc arc both cgo and non-cgoandas ths hybrd
cancaIIourcustomary cgontoqucston.
YctpcrhapsthcstrongcstwcaponshouIdstIIbckcptnrcscrvc
aIongwthhorror"and Irght" andthcdramatcbombastthats
mmcdatcIysupcrscdcdIor thc agngbyadsncInatonIoran
othcrkndoIdrama,IcssmctaphyscaI,astwcrc,butthcrcIorcno
Icssdstrcssng,andoncnwhchthcbombastsaIsodssoIvcd. A.s
cychxcsonthcycIIowskncxcrcsccnccs.ShcdocsnotIkchcrscII
anymorc,pcrhapstcIIshcrscIIIkchcrIrcndthatwhatnowhasto
scrvc as hcrIacc hasbccomcadrcadIuIthng.-ScII-hatrcd?That
wouIdbcgongtooIar.ScII-hatrcdaIwayshasamoral quaItythat
cannotpossbIybccxtcndcdtoanavcrsonIorwthcrcd skn, to
thcccIIsoIthctssucthatgraduaIIyIoscthcrsoIubIcsubstanccsso
thatcvcntuaIIythcaImostnsoIubIcIundamcntaIsubstanccprc-
vaIs.ScII-dsgust?Notcvcnthat.IorA.knowsvcrywcIIthatthc
xanthcIasmaandthcwthcrngsknhavcaIwaysbccnconsdcrcd
dsgustngandprobabIycvcn rcmcmbcrs dmIythc avcrson shc
30 I ON A GING
hcrscII had IcIt carIcr Ior thc dccrcptudc oI othcrs. But that
knowIcdgc has comc tohcr csscntaIIy Irom outsdc, Irom thc
worIdnwhchhcrycIIowIIccksarcthoscoIastrangcr,whIcths
stuII s Ior her, cvcn I shc consdcrs havng t rcmovcd by a
surgcon(bythcway,howmuchdocs suchanopcraton cost?sa
compctcnt cxpcr1 avaIabIc?) . Thc IIccks arc stII her IIccks, hcr
own,ntrnscaIIyhcrs,aganstwhchdsgustcannomorcrcvoIt
thantcanagan:thcrownmctaboIcdschargc. Shamc?Maybc.
AIthoughtwouId naturaIIy bc conccvabIc Ior aII womcnand
mcn,youngandoId,togothroughthcworIdwthdrcd-outskn
and soIt coIorcd noduIcs on thcr cycIds. Somcthng Ikc that
wouIdnoIongcrbcugIy, sncctwouIdbcmpossbIcnsucha
cascIorcvcryonc todctcstcvcryonc.
ButbcngtrcdoIoncscII. asancxprcsson, t s comparabIc
to trcd oIIIc, " a phrasc thatncvcrconvcystotaIhatrcdoIIIc
anddsgustwth|Ic,cvcnIt nowandthcnIcads tosucdc,but
aIways convcys a dcsrc IorIIc or a dcsrc Ior a spcchcIorm oI
IIc thatIIc has dcncdus. TrcdoIoncscII, thatst.
Thcmorc shcrcpcatsthcmornngmrrorcxpcrmcnt, whch
has bccomc a rIuaI, thc morc A. dscovcrs a paraIIcI bctwccn
bcngtrcdoIhcrscIIandhavngakndoIscII-satsIactonthatrc-
sstsacknowIcdgmcnt. SomcthngappcarsnhcrthatsIkcthc
prdc oIhavngaIrcady cndurcdIora Iongtmc sothat, dccpIy
mrcdnhcrwcai1ncss, shcwcarshcrbrttIcsknIkcabravcwar-
rorwcarshsscars.AgngpcopIchavcanarcssstcrcIatonshp
wth thcr bodcs, cxccpt that thc nIatuaton wth thc mrror
magc s no Iongcr uncquvocaI buts prccscIy a wcaryIovc n
whchthcwcarncssIovcstscIIandthcIovcsdccpIywcaryoIt.
Lkc cvcryor n hcr stuaton, A. wshcs to throwIght on
ths dark statc oIaIIars, andshcs astonshcdby th
whch shc s transhxcd and whch has no chancc oI c
vcrbcn\
(
I
, ,
'
: , ,
.
)
3 1 I Stranger to Oneself
rcconcIcd to anythng unambguous. Forthc ambguty cxtcnds
not onIy to thc paradoxcaI way shc sboth wcary and satshcd
wth hcrscII n Iront oI thc mrror, cvcn thc dssonancc causcd
bythccombnaton oIaIcnaton Irom, and IamIartywth, hcr-
scII, havng comc tobcthc totaIharmony n hcrIIc, causcs hcr
troubIc.
Shc hasbccomc a strangcrtohcrscII, Ior surc. what shcwt-
ncsscs n hcr mornng rtuaI has nothng or onIy a IttIc to do
wththc cxtcrnaI scII shc drags aIongwthhcr Iromhcr carIcr
andcvcnIatcrbcttcrdays, IorshcstIIaIways Ikcs tosayoIhcr-
scII n a j usthabIy IoIty IcvcI oI conscousncss that shc IccIs
young. "Hcr namc, whcnshcrcads t onancnvcIopc, brngs to
hcrthc assocaton oI a not yctagngwoman. Shc rcIcrs to hcr
Ircnd andhndshcrscIIagan. Whcn! rcadnprnt 'Smonc dc
Bcauvor, t s a young woman thcy arc tcIIng mc about, and
whohappcns tobcmc. . . . " !ts no dIIcrcntwthA.Pcrhapsthc
strongcst componcntoI hcr wcarncsssjustths aIcnaton Irom
hcrscII, ths dscrcpancybctwccnthcyoung scII shc has brought
aIong wth hcr through thc ycars and thc scII oI thc agng
woman n thc mrror. But n thc samc brcath and n thc samc
tck oItmc t bccomcs obvous to hcr, I shc j ust pcrscvcrcs n
Iront oIthc mrror and docs not turn away Irom thc gIass, rr-
tatcdasonIyastrangcrcanbc, that shc, aIongwIthaIIthc ycIIow
IIccks and IackIustcr cycs, s coser to hcrscII, wth aII hcr wcar-
ncss andntmatc IamIarty, than cvcrbcIorc, andthat n Iront
oIhcrmrror magc, nowa strangcr tohcr, shc s condcmncd to
bccomc morc and morc opprcssvcIy hcrscII. -"! had thc m-
prcssononcc, " wrotc hcr Ircnd, oIcarngvcryIttIcwhatsort
oI hgurc ! cut. !n muchthc samc way, pcopIc who cnjoy good
hcaIthandaIways havccnoughtocatncvcrgvcthcrstomachs
a thought. WhIc! was abIc toIookatmyIaccwthoutdspIcas-
32 I ON A GING
urc, l gavc t n0 thought, t couId Iook aItcr tscII. Thc whccl
cvcntuaIIy stops, l Ioathc my appcarancc now. " A., howcvcr,
dIIcrcntIromhcrIrcndor at Icast dIIcrcntIrom thc way shc
dcscrbcdt,knowsthatshcnotonly dctcstshcrIacc,thattsnot
only aIcnatcd Irom hcr. For oncc, whcn ths countcnancc that
onc couIdnot Iookat wthoutpIcasurc was a mattcr oIcoursc,
whcnonccouId Iorgct"t-ddtcxstIorhcrataII?!thadbccn
apartoIthcworIdtowhchshcbcIongcdandwhchbcIongcdto
hcr, partoIa scAthat, wthout contradcton andwthoutamb-
guty,wasboth -cIIandworId, oncthatddnotdoubttscIIsncc
t was not yct a|cnatcd Irom tscII. OnIy now, n ths transIor-
matonwhch, I sccms to hcr, somctmcs gocs as Iar as bcng
unrccognzabIc, onIy now s ths strangc vsagc, no Iongcr Io-
cuscd on thcworIdbccausc ts bccn cxpcIIcdIromthc worId,
compIctcIyhcrs ths dscovcryoIthc cIaspng togcthcr oIaIcn-
atonIrom oncscIIandan ncrcascd scnsc oIscII, whosccxtrcmc
cascmaybcanarcssstcmcIanchoIy, s thcIundamcntaIcxpcr-
cncc oIaII thosc agngpcrsonswho smpIy havc thcpatience to
pcrscvcrc n Iront oIthc mrror, who can summon upthc cou-
ragc not tolcttncmscIvcsbcchascdawayby ycIIow IIccks and
dchydraton, whodo notntcrnaIzcthc convcntonaIjudgmcnt
oI othcrs and submt to t. -A. wII contnuc to carry out hcr
ccrcmonybcIortthcmrroruntIthcdaynwhchshcwII cthcr
bc rcmovcd Irom spacc or havc bccomc, nstcad oI an agng
woman, anoId woman who no Iongcr prcscrvcs any cgo Irom
hcr carIcrIIc andwhomustIookIor hcrIormcr appcarancc n
hcrphotoaIbum.
r : . l
!tsthbgu
!IagngthatA. sdscovcrngandnwhch
shc s cstabIshrg hcrscII, notjusta mattcr oIscII-cxpIoratonn
IrontoIthc mrror. ThcrcIatonshp oIan agng human bcng, oI
a woman or a man, to hs or hcr body s ambguous n cvcry
" I Q " ' vi '
stuaton oI IIc. For agng s not a normaI condton" Ior thc
agngpcrson. a norms a mattcroIobjcctvc nsght. ThatappIcs
to agngjustas much asto dcath, whch Ior cvcry othcr pcrson
s aIsoj usta Iact andnothing cIsc. A scvcntyhvc-ycar-oIdIady
whoscbodywasstIIngood condtonwcnttoa spccaIstabout
thc rhcumatsm that was tormcntng hcr. Agan and agan, shc
cxpIancd n toncs oIangry ndgnaton that shc had ncvcr had
thc dscascbcIorc andnowthcdoctorshouIdpIcasc charmt out
oI hcr body. Thc physcan, who was n a jokng mood, sad,
Why, ycs, gracous Iady, and whcn dd you actuaIIy want to
havcyourrhcumatsmInot now?"ThcIadyddnotundcrstand
thcjokcataII. shc dd notwantto havc rhcumatsm, notatany
stagc oIhcrIIc, just asshc ddnotwshtogctoIdandtodc, agc
and dcath bcng cvcnts that aIIcct othcrs. Wc hnd t n good
ordcrIourncghboragcsanddcs. ourscIvcswc aIwaysrcmovc
Irom thc coursc oI IIc and dcath.
ForaIIthoscwhodonotIctthcmscIvcsbIcndntoasocaIcon-
scnsus,whodonotadapta gcncraI opnon-whchsrcaIIyonIy
anopnonaboutopnons-agngsno morc oIanormaIproccss
than rhcumatsm was IorthcoIdIady. ActuaIIy, t s qutc dch-
ntcIya sckncss, ndccda IormoIsuIIcrngIromwhchthcrcs
no hopcf rccovcry. !t sprobabIy truc thatwc aIso gctsckas
agng human bcngs andthcn, n thc scnsc oI mcdcaI sccncc,
bccomc hcaIthy" agan.Yct, aswcagc, wc constantIyhnd our-
scIvcs at a Iowcr pont oI )_(gspJ;aI aItcr wc havc
rccovcrcd. wcarcncvcrashcaIthyaswcwcrcbcIorc, nomattcr
howgratIyngthcnIormatonoIthcdoctormght sound.Today
wc arc somcwhat Icss hcaIthy than wc wcrc ycstcrday and a
mcasurcmorc hcaIthythanwcwIIbctomorrow. Agngsanin-
crable sickncss, andbccausctsaIormoIsuIIcrngtssubjcctto
thc samc phcnomcnaI Iaws as any othcr acutc hardshp that
34 I ON A GING
aIIIcts us at somc partcuIar stagc oI IIc. Byncorporatng Ia-
mIartywthonc' sownbodyandcstrangcmcntIromt, agng
cstabIshcsthcsamcrcIatonshpwthourbodythata spcchcn-
dspostonhas,brngngusIIncsscsnncrcasngnumbcrandoI
growngdcstructvcpowcr,whIcstII,asawhoIcandcvcndurng
phascsoIrcIatvcphyscaIwcIIbcng,havngthccharactcroIthc
hardshpthatcharactcrzcscvcryIghtcr andhcavcrsckncss.ln
agng, whch stII aIIows ustobcrcadyIorrcvoIt cvcn whIc thc
agc wc'vc aIrcady attancd s dsparagcd nrcsgnaton, wc arc
conscousoIourcondition.
lndccd. t's a rathcr chcap truth to say that our condton
gcncraIIy gcts notccd onIy whcn wc arc out oI condton. OI
coursc, anyonc who nccds to say, l IccI good, " s not cntrcIy
comIortabIcwthhmscII,]ustasthcmanwhomantansthathc
IccIs young can ncvcrbc a rcaIIy young man. Whocvcrthnks
aboutIccInggoodorbadcannotrcaIIybcnvcrygoodshapc,bc-
causcasIongaswcarc actuaIIynIuIIposscssonoIourpowcrs
andcontnuctoIivcnthcccrtantyoIahcaIthybodIycondton,
wc dontthnkatouthowwc IccI."WcarcnotwthourscIvcs-
but, aswccan rcad n thc wrtngs oIa grcat Ccrmanphyscan
andanthropoIogist, wc arc thcrc," aIongwththc thngs and
happcnngs oIthc worId, wc arc, to add to thc physcans rc-
marks,outside of ourselves, nspaccthatspartoIusandbcIongsto
us,thatsntmatcIyandnscparabIyboundupwthourcgos.
Thcagng, howcvcr, comcmorcandmorctoaworIdIcss cgo,
partIybccomIng time throughthcpastgathcrcdupby mcmorcs
oI mnd and boc, and partIy bccomng morc and morc thcr
own body. ln that thcy Iarc ]ust Ikc our A. n Iront oI thc
mrror-cvcn w!cn shcavodshcrmrrormagcIkcthcmany
agng pcopIc who havc acccptcd thc vaIuc judgmcnt that thc
wzcnngoIagcs ugIy-. shcpcrccvcs hcrbody, whch at ths
stagc s prcscnt to hcrashcr cgo, asa shcII, as somcthng cxtcr-
naI and donc to hcr, and at thc samc tmc as somcthng thats
actuaIIy hcrs, to whch shc s morc and morc rcduccd and to
whchshc dcvotcsncrcasng attcnton.
Wc Ikc to sdcstcp thc mrror. But wc cannot kccp Irom
sccngthchands onwhchourvcnsprotrudc, thc stomachthat
sgcttngIIabby andIoIdy, thc Icctwhosc tocnaIs havcbccomc
thckand crackcd. Wccannotrun away Iromourbody, cvcnI
bInd, wc cannot gct out oI our skn, no mattcr how much wc
wouId lkc to, whcncvcr wc touch ths IIaky, scaIy skn. Thc
body, whch, as SaHrc has sad, was oncc Ie neglige and undcr-
stoodtscIIbynot undcrstandng-ths body, whch s no Iongcr
thc mcdator bctwccn thc worId and us, but cuts us oII Irom
worId and spacc wthts hcavy brcathng, panIuIIcgs, and thc
arthrtcaIIy pIagucd artcuIaton oIour boncs, s bccomng our
prson, but aIso ourIast shcItcr. !ts bccomngwhat rcmans, a
shcII-thc phrasc mortaI rcmans" probabIy suggcsts tscII to
cvcry agng pcrsonwho rcIIccts uponwhats happcnng to hs
or hcrbody-butbccomng n thc samc brcath oI thought thc
mostcxtrcmc human authcntcty, sncc n thc cnd it s what s
hnaIIy rght.
Whatcvcrwas carIcr worId, as part and porton oI our cgo,
shrnks wth and through thc wthcrng body. t bccomcs thc
cIcarncgatonoIusourscIvcs.
For a Icw ycars, A. has bccndsturbcdbythc cooIng oII oI
whathconcccaIIcdhsIccIngIorIandscapc. Mountans, vaIIcys,
Iorcsts hc oncc Iovcd arc now, to hm, a cIub nto whch hc has
not bccn admttcd. Thcrcsnodoubthc hasgood cnough rcason
to bc skcptcaI about ntcrprctng naturc as an acsthctc Iand-
scapc. at ccrtantmcsvcrycIosctothcprcscnt,Iorcsts, vaIIcys,
36 I ON A GI NG
andmountanswcrcthcbuttoIbadpoctry andcvcnworscpoI-
tcs. Thoscwhooncc caIIcdthcmscIvcs tcdtonaturc"andsang
oIthc Iandscapcwth rathcr raspng voccswcrc thc cncmcs oI
thchuman. A. wouIdhavca rcasontostckwthSgnorScttcm-
brn whcn hc cxpIancd to IIcs young probIcm chId' n hs
graphcwordshcwnaturcntsrcIatonshpwththcmnds thc
cvI prncpIc and bcIongs to thc dcvI. Yct Ior A., thc !taIan
Ircnd oIthc ntcIIgcnt wordsa pIcasantItcrary mcmory, but
no authorty, andhcknowsvcrywcIIhow scnscIcsstwouIdbc
to dcnyhmscIItncpIcasurcsoIthccontouroIa mountan orthc
unduIatonsoIaIorcstsIopcjustbccausc ashortbutstIIhstor-
caIIyvcrydstanttmcago, a mostsuspcouskndoIacsthctcs oI
thc Iandscapc anJmysthcatonoInaturc had cxstcd.
!tIastcd a goodwhIcbcIorchc got to thc bottom oIhs Ioss
oIa IccIngIorIandscapc, a IossthatwasabouttocoaIcsccncga-
tvcIyn a pronoJnccd dspIcasurc n Iandscapc. SpcchcaIIy, hc
bccamc conscous n naturc morc than nthc cty oI how thc
worId, whch hc stII hadposscsscdasapartoIhspcrson, had
bccomcthcdcnaI oIths pcrson.
Thc mountan, Iaborous tocImb, cvcnI twastobccImbcd
at aII, was by ths tmc hs ant-cgo. Thc watcr n whch hc
wantcdtoswm, butwhchhconIycndurcdwhcnthada qutc
spcchc tcmpcraturc that t ccrtanIy wouId nothavc, sadno to
hm. Thc vaIIcy, charmngbut IuII oIIIcs thathad ncvcrboth
crcd hm at aII n hs youth but now rrtatcd hm wth ragc,
bccamcthcncgationofhiscxpansivc dcsircs.Thcothcrs cImbcd
thc mountan, swamnthc Iakcs, stroIIcdaboutn thc vaIIcys. hc
was cxpcIIcd and thrown back on hmscII. Thc hostIty oI thc
Iandscapc, whch wc prcscnt hcrc onIy mctaphorcaIIy, but
whchat thc samctmcs a rcaItyandanmmcdatcIygvcnIact
oIconscousncss n thc monde vccu-t was onIy conscous to A.
nowasthc contradcton oIhspcrson. Hc bcgantoavodnaturc.
Nowhc hasbccomcthoroughIyaIcnatcdIromtandwthdraws
to whcrc thc chaIIcngc oIa worId that has comc tobchs dcnaI
noIongcr humIatcs hm cvcry hour: tohs room. WhcnIrcnds
nvtc hm to Sunday cxcursons or sojourns n thc country, hc
dccIncs, thankng thcm ndIIcrcntIy. !tdocsntmakc scnsc to
matchyourscIIaganstanopponcntthat nccssantIyncrcascsn
strcngth and supcrortywhIc you stcadIy dccrcasc.
RcasonabIc sccnthc mcthod or cvcn just pIan cvcryday
obscrvatonwIItcach usthatA. scasc s an ndvduaI oncand,
to spcaknmcdcaIcatcgorcs, thcrcsuItoIa dchccntstatcoIhs
hcaIth that docs not aIIow hm to pursuc athIctc orpartIyath-
Ictcactvtcs, whIc cvcrythngcIscwcarc sayng s ovcrrchncd
drvcI.-Andsnt thcrcaIsothc cxampIcoIthc marrcdcoupIc,
aIrcady dccpIy dcsccndcd ntoagc, stIItakngwaIks Ior substan-
taI dstanccs and IccIng good" and young"? CcrtanIy. thc
robust oIdIadcsandgcntIcmcnarcstIIaround, bcstrrngthcm-
scIvcs Ior a IttIc worId and spacc. Thc onc s a IttIc sckcr than
thc othcr, anothcrs aIrcadyagngnotccabIyatIorty-hvc sothat
hs crstwhIc studcnt coIIcagucs hardIy rccognzc hm, stII an-
othcr rcmans so dauntIcss on hcr sxtcth brthday that hcr
acquantanccshnd shc hasnt changcdataII andtoast thc sxty-
ycar-oIdyoungIady. Bcyond suchscII-cvdcnttrusms, howcvcr,
what wc wcrc sayng n tryng to dcscrbc thc csscncc oI agng
wthout gong nto cthcr thc sturdy naturc oIcommon scnsc or
thc objcctvty oImcdcaItcrmnoIogys stII true: thatspcchcaIIy
thc worId docs not onIy wthdraw tscII Irom thosc who arc
agng, buttbccomcsthcradvcrsary, andthatcvcryonc, sooncr
orIatcr, aIIIctcdwthmorc or Icss dccpbodIytravaI, gvcs up
thcuncquaIstruggIcandbccomcs dscngagcd.Thcday oIthc rc-
trcat wth IIags IIyng, oI thc totaI dcIcat by a worId that's
38 I ON A GING
bccomc hostIc, comcs Ior cvcryonc-as ccrtana s thc dcath t
hcraIds.
!IthcrcssomcthngIkcabasccondtonoIagng,tcanbc
approxmatcIy conccntratcd nwordsIkctoI" and troubIc. "
ToIsomc s thcIorpdhaIIconscousncssoI thcncurabIityoI a
maIady, andtroubIngthcccrtanty,notcntrcIyacknowIcdgcdn
mostcascsbutalwaysIIngourcxstcntaIspacc, thataItcrcach
acutc IIncss, whIcwcmayndccdpcrhaps rcganourhcaIthn
thcmcdcaIscn:c,wcstIIgctupIromthcbcdntcrmsoIIvng
ourIvcs sckcr:han wcwcrc bcIorc. Hcrc aswcIIwc arc con-
stantIynthccIutchcs oIthc ambguty oIaIcnatonIrom, and
IamIartywth, ourscIvcs,oIscII-wcarncssandscII-scckng.Thc
Iormcr aIwaysdrowns outthcIattcrntaIIyatthcpontwhcrc
thoughtturnsnto spccch. Thatssupposcdtobcwho!am?thcy
ask, thosc sckwth agngandsck oIt aswcII, whcncvcr thcy
IookntothcmrrororrcaIIzcaganandaganwhIcwaIkng, run-
nng, orcImbngthatthcworIdsbccomngthcradvcrsary,that
thcrbody,whchhascarrcdthcmandthcrscIvcs,sbccomnga
corpusthat wcghs upon thcmwthnandstscIIa wcght out-
sdc.!nadccpcrIaycroIwhathasbccnIvcd,howcvcr,prorto
spccch, thc scarchIorthccgoandthcaddctontot sprccm-
ncnt.ApccuIarcourscoIcvcntsconsummatcstscIIthcrc.Thc
agng,whoscphysqucshavcIorbddcnthcmthcworIdandma-
IcousIy compcIIcd thcm to dcaI wth ths body tscII, cvcn
uItmatcIytobccomcbodyandnothngcIsc, mustncvtabIycx-
pcrIcnccthchuskthatwIIIbccomcthcIrmortaIrcmaIns,both
cIothngthcmanddsrobngthcmIromwIthin, asancxtcmaIty-
andthcdcaththrcatcnngthcmasamurdcr.
Thc hrst stac oI thc dssocaton oI thc cgo n thc agng
proccssconccrnsthc mcntaI cgo. !nusngthatcxprcsson,wc do
notmcanto spcak oIa transccndcntaIcgobut, onthc contrary,
arc rcIcrrng to onc thatconssts oI coIIcctcd tmc, prcscrvng ts
dcntty through mcmory-ths cgo oI our conscousncss wouId
Ikc to shcd ts husk n ordcr to bccomc tscII agan, . c. , that
whcht has consttutcd tscII to bcthrough mcmory. Accordng
totsIccIngs, t rcbcIs aganst a IaIsc cgo, ntowhch ourhusks
tryngto makc us, ths huskthat conssts naturaIIynotonIyoIan
cxtcrnaI huskbut oInncr cIcmcntsaswcII, such as, IorcxampIc,
an achng stomach ora dsturbcd hcartbcat. Pcrhaps A. says at
that tmc, !I onIy thc damncd cadavcr wouId Icavc onc n
pcaccl-bywhch hcthnks hc candscngagchmscIIIromwhat
swcghngupon hmwthnandIromwhat, vsbIc Ior cvcryonc
to scc, swastnghmawayoutsdc. And nIactthc agngproccss
sjust suchamatcraIzatonandsubstantaton. Thc mctaboIsm,
IunctonngmorcandmorcpoorIy, causcs thc cntrc organsmto
turn to dross n a proccss that s aII-cncompassng, cxtcrnaIIy
rccognzabIc, and subjcctvcIy notccabIc. AItcra rcspcctIuI ds-
tancngIromthc worId oIphyscaI conccpts, onc mght pcrhaps
saythatnagngthcbodybccomcsmorcandmorcmass andIcss
andIcss energy. Ths mass, thoroughIy pcrccvcdwthnthcm as
suchbythosc dscascdwthagng,standsnrcsstancctothcoId
scII, whchhas bccn prcscrvcdbytmc andhas bccnconsttutng
tscII n tmc, as thc hostIc new ego, Iorcgn and, n thc cxact
mcanngoIthc word, odous.
StII,thcodousbcngcnguIhngusIromwthncannotaIways
rcmanwhattwas.ThcoId cgo, Itcontnucstocxstasaccu-
muIatonoItmc, constantIybccomcsmorcandmorcabsorbcdn
tmc ( snccworId and spaccdowthdraw) and cntcrsnto aknd
oIsuspcous gcntIcmcnsagrccmcnt"wththcncw cgo matcr-
aIzng n thc burdcnsomc body. FnaIIy, a dccpIy suspcous
symbossoImcmoryInkcdtotmcscgoandthc prcscntoIthc
bodyscgocmcrgcs. AnuncannytcndcrncssoIthcagngIorthcr
40 ON A GING
ncw cgo turns up, a tcndcrncss that n no way cxcIudcs thcr
bcng trcd oIthcmscIvcs but cvcn acccntuatcs t. A. touchcs a
sorc spot orIookshard andpcnsvcIyatthcwaythcsknon hs
Icgsgcttngrough.WhathcndstnctIynotccsndccpambgu-
tyandcontradctonandsscarccIyabIc toadvancctothoughts
nwordsssomc!hngIkcths.Youpoorstomachthatscrvcdmc
IathIuIIyand dgcstcd what! tooknsothat! ddnotnotcc or
cvcn posscss you, you who wcrc conccrncd that thc strcam oI
humorsnmybodynotrundry!YoupoorIcg,youvcbccncarry-
ngmcthroughaworIdoIstrccts, mountans, cobbIcstoncs, and
gaspcdaIs!NowyouvcbccntakcnIromtmcandworkandcant
doanymorc,yourcbothtrcd,]ustIkcmyhcartthatwontaIIow
mcanymorctoo upstars two stcpsatatmc.
MscrabIc Icg, wayward hcart, rcbcIIous stomach. you hurt
me, yourc my advcrsarcs. ! wouId Ikc to touch you and Iook
aItcryou andcommscratcwthyou and aIso to tcaryou outoI
mybodyandrcIacc you. My hcadswmswththc thoughtthat
! ammy Icg, myhcart, mystomach, that ! am aII myIvngccIIs
aswcIIasthosconIysIuggshIyrcncwngthcmscIvcs-andatthc
samc tmc ! amtIInot thosc ccIIs. ! ambccomng a strangcrto
myscIIthcmorc !approachthcmand,whIcdongso,bccomng
noncthcIcss myscII.
!n thc vaguc mctaphorcaI Ianguagc wc havc choscn, Ior
bcttcr or Ior worsc, Ior ourconsdcratons, a Ianguagc ncapabIc
oIhoIdngts ownaganstsccnthcnvcstgaton, onccansay. n
agng, ! am myscII through my body and against t. ! was myscII
whcn ! was youngwithout mybodyand with t. !wIIbc, oncc !
havc passcdovcr thc stagc oIagngand cnIstcd n thc armyoI
thc oId, stIIonIybodyandnothngcIsc, bodyasprogrcssvc dc-
crcasc n cncrgy and ncrcasc n substancc, untI ! bccomc
cvcntuaIIynoIongcrmyscIIoranythng cIsc, assoonasmy sub-
stancc s rcady toIalI apart nto ts clcmcnts. Agng s-now Ict
us ovcrIook Ioroncc thc IashonabIc word-thc momcntoIthc
daIcctcal turn. thc quantty oI mybodyas t movcs toward an-
nhlatonbccomcs thcncwquaIty oIatransIormcdcgo.
Butwhatarcwchumanbcngs?AdwcIIngpIaccoIcxcruc-
atngpan,thnksA. , ashcwakcsup oncnghtwtha toothachc.
ApparcntIyapcrostts,broughtIorthbythcIIattcnngoIthcgum
pockcts, IoIIowngwhch bactcra pcnctratcthcjawbonc.An cx-
crucatngpanattacksmcsothatthctoothsupportngmybrdgc
wIIprobablybccxtractcd.AndthcnasklIIuIdcntalconstructon
wII coIIapsc. AItcr that, I ! dont want to mumbIc my way
through thc worId, prcmaturcIyscnlc, wtha cavcd-nmouth,
somcthng that s unIortunatcIyproIcssonaIIy mpossblc cvcn
thought wouIdprobabIybcthc mostcomIortabIc soluton, !II
havctohavca dcntaIprosthcss. cxtrcmcmatcraIzatonoImy
alrcady strongIy matcraIzcd body. As ! know Irom countIcss
morcorIcsswttyjokcs, thc dcnturcsnottragc,j ustcomc. !n
ouryouthyouIkcdtobtc mc, " thc lcchcrouswIcsays tohcr
husband, who murmurs somcthng about hs hard day at thc
oIhccandsnotdsposcdtothccaIamtyoIconjugaIpIcasurc,but
whcnshc contnucs to scducc and dcmand that hc oncc agan
bccomchcrscduccr, hcgvcsn, rcsgncd,andsays, AIIrght,aII
rght,gvc mcmytccth. "-SomuchIorthcwttyjokc.A. snot
nagrccmcntwththcpcrsontcIIngthcjokc. Hchndsthatadcn-
turcs tragcIkc Lcaronthchcathandthatanyoncwho cannot
btc nto mcat anymorc s snkngnto a hIthymscry. So IIc s
obvousIy not onIy a dwcIIngpIacc oI thc cxcrucatng pan A.
hmsclInowIccIsnhsjaw[ sothathcscarccIystIIknowswhcrc
thcdrlIhasactuaIIybccn appIcd, whIc somcthngcompcIshm
urgcntlyto wantt somcwhcrccIsc, pcrhaps ncxt to thc tooth-
achc) , but aIso a grm pIacc oI mockcry. Just as povcrty s a
42 I ON A GING
dsgraccandthc majortyoItourstshndthcsghtoItattcrcdIcI-
IahnunpIcasant,soA.sdccaysobvousIydsgraccIuI.thcworId,
mcant hcrc as a socaI compIcx, docs not Iorgvc us that thc
proccssoImatcraIzatons consummatcdn usrghtbcIorc ts
cycs, ts onIy nIcrcstcdngvngusgoodmcdcaIscrvccanda
crucIjokc,bothhavng comc ntobcngnsocctyswshtokccp
usoIItsback.WhIcgcttngoutoIbcdtogctagIassoIwatcrand
ananaIgcsc,A.thnkng, lcantrytodowthoutworId, moun-
tan, vaIIcy, and strcct, ncghbor, and]okc-tcIIng and commt
myscIImorcdccpIytothcpanthatthc dctcroratonoImybody
hcaps uponmc. ToactasItwcrcnothngtowakcupatnght
wthapcnctratngtoothachcandworryabouthavnga dcnturc
docs notwork. Thosc who arcbravc, who don't want to know
anythngoIthcrpanandwanttodsmsstwthamanIyhrmor
a womanIy cndurng wavc oI thc hand-not so bad, not so
mportantl-thcyarcassurcdoIthcrcspcctowcdtothcmbya so-
cctythatdocsnotwanttobcbothcrcdbythcspcctacIcoIthcr
dcmsc. But ncvcrthcIcss, n dcnyng thcr pan and IaIng to
rccognzcsomcthngthatsthcrown,thcyncvcrsuccccdnds-
covcrngthcmscIvcs.
Wc onIy dscovcr our body n pan and agng. EspccaIIy
agng, nthcwayt hcaps ts burdcns upon usmorc IrcqucntIy
cvcry day. Sncc n ts suIIcrng t no Iongcrtransccnds tscIIto
dssoIvc nworId andspacc, ths body sjust as mucha truc cgo
asthcstrathcdtimcthcagnghavcbuItupnsdcthcmscIvcs.
ConscqucntIy, whcn A. now swaIIows thc pan-soothng
rcmcdyandhndhmscIIsuspcndcdbctwccntormcntandhopc
IorrcIcI,maknhs conhdcnccnbcng IrccIrompanthconIy
thng at aII that opcns up to hm thc possbIty oI rcIIcctvc
thought, hc s dctcrmncdtomakc uscoIthcmnutcsoIsuspcn-
sonandenter into a relationship with hstoothachc. !ts, ashctcIIs
hmscII, my toothachc. thc dcsrc tobc rd oIt, or tobc ncxt to
torto shovc t onto hs hcaIthyncghborthroughthc crackn
thc dooroIthcapartmcnt, cxsts, stII, thc pan sn myjaw, thc
panthattomorrow, Ikc cvcryonc cIsc, !wIIprobabIy cntrustto
thc dcntst, who canpossbIy savcmcbytcarngsomcthngaway
Irommy cgo wthhs hand armcdwth Iorccps and htmc outas
a rcpIaccmcnt wth a res extensa oIaIcn matcraI, an ncrcascd
IccIng oImyownscII,a rcaIzaton oImyIIcshnthcscII-dcnaI
oI my IIcsh. t s both an addton to my cgo and a Ioss oI cgo,
spcchcaIIy thc Iorccdsacrhcc oIa convcntonaI, rathcrabstract
cgo that panIcssIy IaIIs asIccp andtomorrowwII bcIong to thc
worId,wIIbcworId.
PanandsckncssarcthcIcstvaIsoIdccaythcbody organzcs
Ior tscII and Ior mc. Thcr purposc s to cnsurc that ! am ab-
sorbcdnthcbodyandconscqucntIy, through thcnIIammatory
proccss, though ccrtanIy rcduccdn myabItyto Iuncton, !am
ncrcascdnwhatmmcdatcIybcIongstomc, !ganncgo.
ThcanaIgcschastscIIcct, rcIcIsctsn. A.brcathcsn dccpIy
and cscapcs thc probIcmatc cuphora oI pan whch, bcsdcs,
onIytookposscssonoIhmatthcmomcntwhcnhchadaIrcady
washcdthc rcmcdydownand, aIongwtht, had drunkthchopc
Ior Irccdom Irom pan. Hc IaIIs back nto thc rcactvc rcaIm oI
normaIty. Hchasbccn savcd, Ikccvcryoncwho hasbccnIbcr-
atcd Irom tormcnt. !t sbad tohavcbodIy pan, t s good tobc
Ircc oIt. A. docsnot mournaItcrthcgann cgo passcdon to
hmbythc toothachc. Whatnowsctsn, n thc momcntoIrcIcI,
s oncc agan thc IccIng oIaIcnatonIrom hs own scII through
physcaI dctcroraton, thc sgnaI oI whch was thc pan n hs
tooth. Whathasbccomc oImc, hc thnks, sncchs cIoscdcycIds
arc aIrcady bccomng hcavyIorhm andhc scnscsthc approach
oI sIccp. A pcrson wth dcIcctvc tccth, an organsm unabIc to
44 I ON A GING
putupany rcsstancc to thc pcnctraton oImcrobcs and thcr
sprcad throughouths systcm. An agng pcrson. Tomorrowthc
dcntst, thc Iorccps, thc cxtrcmc matcraIzaton oI mybody n
thc Iorm oI a dcntst Ior whom ! wII havc to Iay out a Iot oI
moncy. Am! st.IthatpcrsonwhoIaIIsasIccphcrc, savcd Irom
achcs andpansbutgvcnovcrtoothcr, morccvI oncsthatwII
ccrtanIy stIIaI.ct mc? Am ! stIIthat onc? Cvc mc mytccth".
thats how twll cnd bcIorc t cnds. What an awIuI dcbacIc.
SIccpsgood,tosay dcathsbcttcr" s scnscIcss,thcbcstwouId
havc bccn ncvcr to havc bccn born. that s an cmpty IormuIa
thatIogccancaIydsposc oI.
LctsIctthstooth-pIagucdpcrsonIaII asIccp,hsthnkng, bc-
comng unccrtanandgvngtscIIup onthc thrcshoIdoIsIccp,
cannothcIp usIurthcr. !n any casc, what canbcnotcd, bcyond
thcnocturnaIcxpcrcncc oI ourmagncdpcrson, s ths. n thc
sIcnt daIoguc bctwccn scII-gan and aIcnaton Irom oncscII,
both oIwhch thc agng pcrson cxpcrcnccs ntoIandtroubIc,
alcnaton s n thc Iorcground, bccausc thc ncrcasc n cgo cI-
Icctcdby apanIuIsubstantaton oIthc bodys cxpcrcnccd as
such onIy at rarc tmcs, cvcn I t can Iorcvcr and cvcr bc n-
tcrprctcd Irom spcchc symptoms, whcthcr a partcuIar pcrson
calIcd A. apprchcnsvcIyIccIshsachng lmbs, whcthcrhc as-
sumcs thc unpIcasant custom oI thoroughIy tcIIng othcrs at
IcngthabouthssuIIcrngs, orwhcthcrhc quctIy gvcs hmsclI
ovcrtohsavcrsonandbccomcst. Wthrcspcctto thcncwcgo
thathasjust comc nto bcng, onIythcIccIngoIbcngaIcnatcd
can, Ior thc mospart, bcntcIIcctuaIIyrcaIzcd.
Thcn,nthcscarchIorwordstoconsttutcthcIccIngoIaIcn-
aton, thc agng may wcII thnk that thc res extensa s ganng
powcr ovcr thcm and may sdc wth thc res cagitans rcbcIIng
aganst t. !n othcrwords, thcy thnk pcrhaps that thc mcntaI
cgo, " as thcr truc cgo, rcssts thc assumpton oI powcrbythc
physis ands supposcdtorcsstt.OncoIthcm,IorcxampIc,takcs
aprovocatvcstanccandprocIamsnhghsprts, !stIIwIInot
Ict my asthma Iorbd mc IIc. " Thcn hc stands-but who s ths
hc" anyway?-aganstths asthma, rcpudatcsthcres extensa, and
docsnot acccpthsbody.Atthspont, !conIcssthat!ammovng
Iorward n thcsc consdcratons onIy wth grcat unccrtanty,
doubtngmyabItytomakcathoroughnvcstgaton.!nIact, thc
onIy thng to nvcstgatc wouId bc whcthcr thc Cartcsan ds-
tnctonbctwccnres extensa andres cagitans corrcspondstoarcaIty
IvcdatthcdccpcstIcvcIorwhcthcrtsnotnstcad thccasc that
thcyarcbothnscparabIyoncandthcsamc andprccscIynthcr
souffrance vicue vctorousIy rcsst cvcry attcmpt at dssocatng
thcm. OncwouIdnccdtonqurcwhcthcrthccgoarrogantIyrc
bcIIng aganst a non-cgo, thc truc" onc, pIaccdbctwccn quo-
tatonmarks, thc cgooIthc res cagitans, whchaIsoconsdcrsthc
dccayngbody asa non-cgo and thcrcIorc Iovcs to spcakoIthc
damncd stomach" andthc mscrabIy panIuI Icg, rcaIIysmore
thanjust ths stomachandjustths Icg. OncwouIdhavctoshcd
IghtonthctormcntngandIcstvcmnutcnwhchA.gavchm-
scII ovcr cntrcIy to hs toothachc as his, cvcntuaIIy bccomng
totaIIycngrosscdntsnIIammaton, anddctcrmncwhcthcrths
wasthcauthcntcmomcntoItruth.
Thcsc asscrtons cIcarIy contradct cvcryday cxpcrcncc as
wcIIasthc cntrc cmotonaInIrastructurc oIthcconccpts oIsck-
ncss and hcaIth. Othcrwsc, suchconsdcratons wouId havc to
rcsuItn humanbcngs asprngto thc condtonoIsckncss. But
ts onIya scII-cvdcnttruththatths s not thc casc. Wcwant to
bc hcaIthy, not sck, wc want to know wc arc young, not oId,
andnormaIIywc don'tcarcnthc IcastIorthc chancc oIganng
a grcatcr scnsc oI our cgo through pan. But thc rcIancc on a
46 I ON A G ING
normaItyoIthnlOngandIccIngobvoustocvcrydaycxpcrcncc
can bc oI IttIc usc to us hcrc. NormaIty s aItcr aII a socaIIy
opcratonaI conccpt, whIc wc arc actuaIIy makng a possbIy
morbdattcmpt, tIIndspcnsabIctoourargumcnt, toapproach
a Ivcd sub]cctvc rcaIty. Wcknowthat A., wakngupatnght
wth a toothachc, thrcatcncd by Iorccps, cxtracton, and a
thoroughIy matcraI IaIsctooth, wantcdtogctrdoIhspcrcng
dscomIort ( othcrwsc hc ccrtanIy wouId not havc takcn thc
soothngmcdcati on) , wcknowthathcwasaIradoIthc dcntsts
ntcrvcnton, stII morc so oIthc dcnturc tscII, Iookng ast dd
Ikc a surrcaIstc scuIpturc. WcknowthatA. bccamc aIcnatcd
IromhmscIIatths hour. WccanaIsobc]ust assurc thatwth
hs toothachc hc bccamc hmscII n a ncwway. Thc smaII and
harmIcss torturc that stands hcrc asancxampIc oI thc burdcns
nIIctcduponusbyagng,cvcnthoughcvcryyoungpcrsoncan
obvousIybcaIIIctcdwthatoothachc, hashcIpcdhmtohs, or
atIcasta ncw, cgo. Thcpan has madc hs own body, whch s
supposcdtobcIongtothcworId, atIcastaccordngto socctyand
cvcryoncs dcmandIor socaIscII-prcscrvaton, aposscssonthat
Iromnowons ro Iongcr tobcsharcdwth othcrs. lt has takcn
awayIromhm onc morc pccc oIthc worId. Put dIIcrcntIy, t
hasgvcnhmtoundcrstandna crcsccndo thatthcworIdshs
ncgaton. ln ths casc, t s soccty that s IcIt n thc Iurch, not
knowngwhcrctostartwth a IcIIowwho, rcgardIcss oIIoss oI
worIdandganocgo, snotcapabIcoIhIIngouths ncomc tax
dccIaratonbccausc oIhstoothachc.
Who has thc Iast word? Thc body that brngs to thc agng a
ncwIamIartywththcmscIvcs? Orthc soccty that mposcs on
cvcry human bc.ng an cgo that has to stay hcaIthy, . c. , opcr-
atonaI, andthatasres cagitans opposcsthcbodIycgoabsorbcdn
thc res extensa? Thc qucston s hardIyanswcrabIc. ln any casc,
wc havc to Imt cncrgctcaIIy what wc havc sad about thc
momcnt oI truth n whch thc bodIy cgo s unvcIcd to us by
pan as thc truc onc. Thatsbccauscthc mcntaI cgo, whch thc
agngcarrywthnthcmandwhchn mcmory s Ivcdtmc, has
n Iact consttutcd tscII through thc rcacton oI IcIIow human
bcngsto our cxstcncc. But n thc cnd, that mcntaI cgo aIways
turns out to bc thc strongcr, and wc cvcntuaIIy comc back by
dctourtothc rcsuIts oIsupcrhcaIcvcrydaycxpcrcncc andtothc
conccpt oInormaIty, rcIcrrcdto abovc n ts Imtatons.
ForwcdonotcscapcthcIookandthcjudgmcntoIthcothcrs.
As a young woman, A. onccbcgan a Icttcrwth "man cheri. "
Sncc, howcvcr, thcIovcd oncwasatthatmomcntnoIongcrthc
manwho Iovcd hcr, thc "man cheri, " pIaccdnthcworId wthout
any socaI, IcIIow-human, or communcatvc Icgtmacy, grcw
paIc and cxprcd. A. was csscntaIIy anabandoncd woman, rc-
gardIcssoIhowtmghthavcbccnwthhcrbodyandhcrmnd,
and ths bt oI abandonmcnt was a part oI thc cgo shc Iatcrrc-
caIIcd nmcmoryaIongwthhcrcarIcrdays oItrumphwhcn
thc man-cheri Icttcrs shcwrotc wcrcj usthcd andwcrc grantcd
thcrrghtsbythcma-cherie IcttcrsIromhcrIrcnd. Snccthcrcs
nochocc nowbutto acccpt thc cgo as a socaI coordnatc, thc
aIcnaton Irom oncscII IcIt by thc pcrson sck wth agc s uIt-
matcIy not onIy morc pcrsstcnt than thc gan n cgo achcvcd
throughthcpanandmatcraIzaton oIthcbody, butaIsomorc
dctcrmnng, morc rcaI, I thats thc way t s, sncc t s thc rcaI
thathashad, and has, ancIIcct.
!t hadancIIcctthanks morc to thc othcrs than to thcbody,
Ior cvcn thc body oI suIIcrng, cspccaIIy, s cntrustcd to thcm.
Furthcrmorc, thccIIcctonc hascIutchcsaItcrthc othcrs, sncct
canthappcnwthout thcm. Whatwc wcrc sayng s truc-and
Ict nothng bc takcn back Irom t-. that A. ' s dsgust wth thc
48 I ON A GING
ycIIow IIccks s mposcduponhcr Irom outsdc, Irom Icarnng
spcchcaIIythat :uch dshgurcmcnts appcar dsgustng to thosc
who arc not dshgurcd, cvcnwhlcthc dcIormtysstIlher pos-
scsson, A. s, whch to hcr cannot bc prmarIy abhorrcnt. But
worIdandIIcwouIdaddthatt snota qucstonoIprmacy. Thc
socaI cgo, cvcn I mposcd upon us by soccty, sj ust as much
somcthng oIourownas anythngthatmmcdatcIyandphys-
caIIy cxpcrcnccstscII.
Soccty docs not know what to do wth a pcrson Ikc A. ,
pIagucdbyatoothachctIlhsthoughtsarcconIuscd.LttIcavaIs
hm whcn, suspcndcdbctwccntormcnt andthchopcIorrcIcI,
hccuphorcaIlycxpcrcnccshs cgos momcntoItruth. Hcmust
compIy. What wc caII rcaIty s a Iorcc hcld oI socaI tcnsons,
actons,andrcactons.!tscgo-buIdngIorccdocsnotrcIcascusas
Iong aswc cxst. Thc mposcdcgo s n thc cndsmpIythc cgo
purcand smpIc, andt takcsancgodssocatonoIan unusuaI
kndtodscovcrbcyondoursocaIIydchncdcgothconcgvcnby
thcbodyandonIybythcbody.ThcambgutyoIaIcnatonIrom
oncscIIandIamIartywthoncscIInagng-bywhchwcmust
notIorgctIoroncmnutcthatagngsaIormoIsuIIcrngandthat
wc cxpcrcncc t as such-ths ambgutythcrcIorc conssts not
onlynthcIactthatwcIccIourbodyasamortaIshclIwhIcatthc
samctmc ths shcII s takng ncwrootn us morc and morc, t
aIso bccomcs manIcst noursocaIcgoscontradcton oIcvcry-
thngcIscthats!ormcdIromoursuIIcrngbody, oIthcbody-cgo
thatsbothourcIothngandwhatwc cIothc. A. docsnotknow
whcrctogowththcdccrcptbodythatcauscshmtoothachcand
Iromwhch cvcntualIyhstoothwIIIaIIout.Tobcsurc, hccan
startarcIatonshpwthhspanandacqurcsomcthnghc couId
pcrhapscaIIhs knowIcdgc."ButsuchsonIypossbIcdurngthc
nght. not onIy 0ccausc soccty dcmands that hc hII out thc
ncomctaxdccIaratonIrccoIpanandwthacIcarmnd,butaIso
bccauschccannot acccptthc cgooItoothIcssncss, rcIuscdbythc
worIdandcxpcIIcdIromt, that thrcatcns hm. For hcs worId"
hmscII,hcssoccty, andhcsccshmscIIwththcIattcrscycs. A.
hmscIIthnks hc scnscs that soccty scnscs hm. thcrcIorc, hc
wants to prcscrvc thc cgo oIIrcsh tccthhcs draggcd wth hm
Iromhs youthandatanyprccgctrdoIthc othcrcgohccaIIcd
nthcmddIc oIthcnghths authcntccgo. "
Whch cgodowccarry ovcr out oIthc pastnto agng? Wc
wcrc sttngonthc schooIbcnch at tcn. Wcksscdattwcnty. At
thrty, wc advanccd, cnvcd by ourcoIIcagucs, nto ourproIcs -
son, andasIorty-ycar-oIds, wcdscovcrcdthatthc othcr scxstII
Ikcd us. At cachtmc wc wcrc an cgo. To what knd oI cgo do
wc cIng n agng, knowng or onIy magnng that onIy n ths
onc wc wcrc morc ourselves than n any othcr aItcrward or
bcIorc?Oncpcrsonhadrchwavyharasayoungman.Now,d-
shcvcIcdbut proud, hc wcars thc grayngtuItsrcmaning undcr
hsbaIdpatc onthc sdcsoIhs tcmpIcsasa pcturcsquc haror-
namcnt. Anothcr thnks shc rcmcmbcrs that at thrty shc was
charmng to thc worId oI mcn bccausc oI hcr wcIIdcvcIopcd
bust. AccordngIy, shcstIIprcIcrs, athIty-hvc, dccp, Iow-ncckcd
decolletages, cvcn though thc skn at thc top oI hcr cIcavagc s
aIrcady IIaccd andbrownsh. !ntruth, thc manwth thcdshcv-
cIcd tuIts was not admrcd as a young man Ior hs naturaI
unduIatons,butIorhswtty convcrsaton, andthcdecolletee Iady
oncc owcd hcr succcsscs not to hcr wcII-buItbrcast but tohcr
ntcIIgcnt, IvcIy cycs.
!tstructhatthccgowccarrywthussa crcatonoIsoccty.
Evcnhcrcthcrcsnothngtotakcback.StII,nthcactoIrcmcm-
bcrng,wchavcremodeled and newly interpreted oursocaIcgo.Thc
cgothatwcsctasourownaganstthcdctcroratonoIagng,ths
50 I ON A GI NG
cgothatwcbcIcvcwchavctoIookatandscnscnrcIatontoour
ncw,ycIIow-IIcckcdordcntaIIycndangcrcd,cvcnIorcgnandoI-
Icnsvc, cgohas:omctmcsnotcxstcdnrcaItyataII. ThcaIcn
magcoIourscIIsavagucstatstcaIrcaIty.hvchundrcdothcrs
showcdthcrantpathytowardus,onIyamnortyoIhItywcrcn-
cIncd to put up wth us: thcrcIorc wc wcrc dsIkcd onIy n a
rcaIty"wrttcn inquotatonmarks. Whatsbad aboutaIIthss
thatwcdonotknowthcstatstcs.Wc dontknowthatour socaI
cgowasnotonIybuItupbythcothcrsbutIorthcmostpartmay
havccomcntobcngthroughmcrcsupposton.ThcrcaItyoIthc
socaIcgowccxpcrcnccassuchcvcrydayandtowhchwcsub-
mtsnthccndjustasqucstonabIcasA.snocturnaItoothachc
cgo.!tmaysomctmcssccmtoagrccapproxmatcIywthstatstcs
unknowntous,butthcrc snorcIyngonthat.!nagng, wcbc-
comcaIcnatcdIromourscIvcs,doubIcdandnscrutabIc,Iorwhcn
A. says, shaknghcrhcad n Iront oIthcmrror, Thatsnotmc
anymorc,"thcsub]cctsasIttIcknowntohcrasthcprcdcatc.
ThcconscqucnccoIsuchconsdcratonswouIdbcthatancgo,
sncctsstIImuItIarousIydssocatcdnthcsuIIcrngoIagng-
dssocatcdntothcbody!havc, thcothcr"thatpanIuIIyhas me,
ntothcres cagitans andthcres extensa oImyownscII, ntothccgo,
qucstonabIy dcduccd Irom thc rcactons oI my IcIIow human
bcngs, whch wc prcscrvc as Ivcd tmc, and nto thc daIy
changngcgooIagng-thcabsurdconscqucnccoItryngtohnd
outnthsmanncraboutourmostnncrcondtonswouIdbcthat
aIvcdcgo,atrue .dcntty,docsnotcxst.Onccansctthatasdcas
abarcandworthIcssmcntaIgamc,Iorcgodssocatonsncvcry
momcntcountcrbaIanccdbycgoassocaton.Thcqucstonabout
thcrcaItyoIthccgos a shamqucston-. ]ust as ErnstMach s
propostonthatthccgosabundIcoIIccIngswasashampropo-
stonbccauscthcvcryactoIbundIngcanccIcdthcndvduaIcIc-
mcntsoIthcbundIcassuch.WcrcIcrtothccgowhcnwcsay I, "
andwcsay!"wthgoodrcasonandgoodscnsccvcnIwcIkcto
standnIrontoIthcmrrorshakngourhcads and doubtngour-
scIvcs,cvcnIatnghtwcIkctocntrustcgo-buIdngpowcronIy
topan, cvcnI wc rccognzc that thc magc oIourscIvcswcvc
carrcdwthus s mposcd upon us by socctywthoutus cvcr
knowng n ths casc whcthcr ths too s a haIIucnaton oI our
spccuIaton.FnaIIy,tsstIIthccascthatoursknsurIaccdcmar-
catcsus. whattransprcsonthssdcoIthcboundaryswhatwc
arc,whathappcnsbcyondtsothcr.AphcnomcnoIogcaIwayoI
pcrccvng, cschcwng thc opposton oI nncr and outcr and
adaptngspacctousandustospaccsothat!ammyscIIasmuch
asmyworIdoIspacc,strkcsatthccorcoIwhathasbccnIvcdand
yctamsrghtonpastt.!tstructhatatthcIcvcIoIwhathasbccn
mmcdatcIyIvcdwcarcbothwc" and worId. "!tsjustastruc
that at that samc IcvcI wc constantIy makc dstnctons. !n thc
monde vecu andnthcattcmpttorcconsttutctmcntaIIy, thcbasc
propostonsoIIogcnoIongcrhoId, thatsthcmisere. Thcambgu-
tybccomcs anantnomy.
And yct. wc havc to takc IogcaIcontradctorncssupon our-
scIvcs, havc to takc upon ourscIvcs absurdty and thc rsk oI
cvcrymcntaIconIusonwhcnwcmcdtatc on ourcondton. I is
aging that exposes us to that kind of consciousness and makes us capable
of it. Byths tmc, thcworId whosc magc s Iogcs aIrcady cIcar-
ng out.
WhcnwchavccrosscdthctopoIa mountanandbcgntogo
downthcothcrsdcandtquckIybccomcs stccpcrandstccpcr,
IastcrandIastcr,tsnoIongcrourpIacctothnknawayappro-
pratctothcconqucstoIthcworId,IccIngcompcIIcdto dcmon-
stratc Ior ourscIvcs an magc oI thc worId n Iogc. Thc prmal
52 I ON A GING
contradcton, dcath, awatsusandcompcIsus toIormIogcaIIy
uncIcanpropostonssuchas,Whcn!noIongcram. "DcathsaI-
rcadynus,makngroomIorcquvocatonandcontradcton.Wc
bccomc! andnot-!.WcposscssancgocncIoscdnoursknand
mayatthc samc!mchndoutthatthcImts aIways wcrcIIud
andstaycdthatway. WcbccomcmorcaIcnatcdIromourscIvcs
and morc IamIarwth ourscIvcs. Nothng s scII-cvdcnt any-
morc. Thc cvdcncc s no Iongcr bcIcvabIc. AIcnaton Irom
oncscIIbccomcsaIcnatonIrombcng, nomattcrhowIathIuIIy
wc stII attcnd to thc day, hII out ourtax dccIaraton, go to thc
dcntst. Wcrc wc sayng that n agng thc worId bccomcs our
dcnaI?WccouId]ustascasIyhavcsadthatwcarcaIrcadyabout
tobcthcncgatonoIourscII.DayandnghtcanccIcachothcrout
ntwIght.
The Loo k of Others
AnovcItorccommcndtorcadcrsgcttngonnycars.La Quaran
taine byJcan-Lous Curts. !tsnotagrcatbook,butarcIIcctvcIy
bcautIuIoncaboutthcIatc oItwomarrcdcoupIcsatthcpcakoI
thcrIvcs. !ngcnousIy, ts ttIc pIays wth thc doubIc mcanng
oIthcwordquarantaine, whcrcbyonthconchandthcdccadcoI
agngbctwccnIortyandhItysmcant, onthcothcrthchygcnc
soIaton mposcd upon humanbcngs, no Iongcr young. thcr
quarantnc.
Thc provncaI notary Andrc, a dstngushcdpatrcan Irom
thc Pyrcnccs, a man oI mcans and somc cuIturc, hnds hmscII
aItcrmany ycars oncc agannPars, butIorthc hrsttmc wth-
outIamIy dcpcndcnts. Ths man on thc thrcshoId oI hItyputs
up at thc Rtz, a smaII, scntmcntaI, and cxpcnsvc homagc to
MarccI Proust. !n thc hrst cvcnng, hc trcs thc Ldo on thc
ChampsEIysccs. Thc grIs arcattractvc, thc jazz s good, aItcr-
wardhc s aIonc n hs hotcI room andIooks down at thc PIacc
Vcndmc, whch, sncchc hadIast sccnPars, hasturncdntoan
autodromc.
54 I ON A GING
Hcntcndstodcvotc thccvcnnghoursoIthcncxtdaytothc
thcatcrwhcrc a crtcaIIy accIamcdpIay oIthc Brccht schooI s
runnng.!nthcmdst oIthc pcrIormancc, thc borcdomthatwas
stIIamorphous ycstcrday andthat hc ddnot admttohmscII
bccomcsmanIcsI . Vcxcd, hc Icavcs thcthcatcraItcrthc sccond
act. Thc vcnturc oI a waIk turns nto a dcbacIc. Thc oIIcnsvc
smcII oI cxhaust Iumcs takcs away hs brcath and makcs thc
ffmerie hc hadIookcdIorwardtoIorwccksmpossbIc. Hcsccks
rcIugc n a caIc,butcvcnthatprovcstobchopcIcss, ncthcrn
thcFIorcnornthcDcux-MagotssapIacc tobcIound. A. couId
acccpt aII thatIhcdd notncrcasngIyhavcthc IccIng thathc
s invisible. No onc notccs hm. !t sccms, hc thnks, that you
dontcxstnthsctyI yourc oIdcrthantwcnty-hvc.Thc ncxt
momnghc takcshsdcparturcn dccpdcprcsson. AIcwwccks
Iatcr, hc suIIcrsa hcartattack.
!tcanbcsadthatA.scascsavcrypcrsonaIonc,notvaIdIor
thc mmcnsc majorty oIhs comradcs n agng. hs IccIngs oI
nvsbItyornsgnhcanccarctobccxpIancdIroma totaIIyn-
dvduaIandncdcntaImoroscmood,pcrhapscvcnIromscnsng
nadvancchsphyscaIcondton.Butasarcjondcr, onccanrasc
thcobjcctonthathsdcIcatatParshasonIyaIttIctodowththc
contngcncyoIhspcrson, thatnstcadtsnscrbcdnthcsocaI
andcconomcstructurcoIancranwhchapcrson,bothdrvcn
and Iashcd ntomcrcmattcrbythcdcmandsIorproductonand
cxpanson, has rtcognzcd that onIy youth s ht Ior work and
pIcasurcandthatngcncraIwhatspopuIarIyknownasdoIatry
oIyouths thcprcvaIngdsposton.Thc argumcnt haswcght.
ThcIactsoIsocctvspcakIort, thoscIactsthatcanbcrcadoutoI
such smpIcpubIcatonsasthcjob-oIIcrngsnthcncwspapcrs.
thoscwhoarcsought-thccdtors-n-chcI, drcctors, chcIcng-
nccrs, andwhatcvcrthc tcrmnoIogy oI thc sccond haII oI thc
55 The Look of Others
twcntcthccnturycalls managcrs" -arcnotsupposcdtobcoldcr
thanIorty. But wcrcnotconccrncdhcrc,notyctatlcast,wththc
proIcssonal Iatc oIthc agng and old pcoplcwho arc bccomng
morc and morc numcrousna worldn whch cvcrydaylcsss
known about what to do wth thcm. Wc want to consdcr thc
problcmoIsocial age ngcncral, mctcd outto usbythclookoIthc
othcrs. Bcyond that, wc want toconsdcr our dcstnyasndvd-
ual human bcngs whocanlvcncthcrwthout othcrs norwth
thcmoraganst thcm, andthcabsurdandcontradctory basc con-
sttuton oIhumanbcngswho, asndvduals, wouldlkctorcgn
ovcrthcrpropcrty-thc worldl-andatthc samc tmcknowthat
worldandpropcrtyonly cxst whcrc othcrs dsputc thcr rghtto
placc and posscsson. Evcn ths contradcton, lkc mostoIthosc
thatmarourcxstcncc, onlybccomcsIullyconscoustothcagng
pcrson.
Whatdocssocalagc"mcan?!nthclIcoIcvcryhumanbcng
thcrcsapontntmcor, tobc morcmathcmatcallyprccsc, Ihc
vcntyoIapontwhcrc cach dscovcrsthatoncsonlywhatonc
s. All at oncc wc rcalzc that thc world no longcrconccdcs us
crcdtIor ourIuturc, tno longcrwantsto cntcrtan sccng usn
tcrms oIwhatwccould bc. Socctynolongcrbrngsthcpossbl-
tcs nto Iocus that wc stlI thnk arc vouchsaIcd to us n thc
pcturcthatt makcs oIus. Wchndoursclvcs-notthroughour
ownj udgmcntbutasthcmrrormagcoIthclookoIthc othcrs
thatwc mmcdatclyntcrnalzc-tobccrcaturcswthoutpotcn-
tal. No onc asks usanylongcr, What doyouwantto do?"All
dcclarc, dspassonatcly and unIlnchng, " That you'vc alrcady
donc. "Thcothcrs,sowchavctolcarn,havcstruckabalanccand
ladbcIorcusabottomlncthatwe are. OncoIuss anclcctrcal
cngnccrandwllrcmanso.AnothcrsapostoIhccadmnstrator
who maybc can stllbccomcthcdrcctoroIhs oIhcc wth somc
56 I ON A G ING
cIIort andIuck,butthatsaII.Anothcrsapantcr, unsucccssIuI
orsucccssIuI. IsucccsshascongcaIcdna sumoIIvngandcrc-
atvc cvcnts, t wII rcman IathIuI to hcr cvcn I thcrc arc
dcvatonsnthcartmarkctandthcprccsquotcdIorhcrpcturcs
today arcpossbIynot as hghas ycstcrday, howcvcr, Isucccss,
thatwhchIoIIowsIromhcrcIIorts, thccIIcctoIhcrart,hasnot
bccnIorthcomng, thcnt s thcIackoIsucccss,thcncgatonoI
hcrartstccxstcncc,thatcharactcrzcshcr.WhocvcrA. s,A. wII
not bccomc a bg gamc huntcr I hc or shc has not donc so aI-
rcady, nor a poItcaI Icadcr, nor an actor, nor a proIcssonaI
crmnaI.Thatwhchwc caIIourIIc, "thcsumoIwhatwchavc
donc andIcIt undonc, dchncswhatwc Ikcwsc stII rcgardcd as
ourIIc ycstcrday, thats, thcycarsthatarcatbcststIIIcIttous.
ThoscwccanaIrcadyIorcsccasthchomogcncousandmonoto-
nousrcpcttonoIourwastcdtmc.
!tsprobabIy Iruc that onIy dcath makcs a cIcanbrcak, onIy
thc cnd oIaIIcgvcsthctruthtotsbcgnnngandaIIts stagcs.
Thcgamc-thcorctcaIIy-sncvcrpIaycdbcIorctspIaycdout.
Thcrc maybc brcak-ups, ncwbcgnnngs, uphcavaIs, and out-
bursts, sothatn!hc cnda stagcIvcdnnumbncssandpctrh-
catoncanunvcI tscII asa mcrc transtonaIphasc.Caugun. A
bank cmpIoyccrcIuscsthcbottom-Inccgothat socctyprcscnts
tohm.hsdcathonLaDomncacxprcsscsthctruthaboutthccx-
stcncc oIthcbankcmpIoyccandmakcstnothng.Howmany
Cauguns canbcbroughtIorth aswtncsscs? !nthc Iuturc, na
worddcning itscfbysocia function through intcraction and
ntcrdcpcndcncc,thcrcwIIbccvcnIcwcrwhocanbrcakout.Thc
bottom-Inccgos,rcsuItsoIthcbaIanccstruckbysocaIIuson,wII
bcacccptcd,ntcmaIzcd, andcvcntuaIIyrcqurcd.Humanbcngs
arcwhatthcysocaIIyaccompIsh. Thcagng, whoscaccompIsh-
mcntswcrcaIrcady countcdandwcghcd,havcbccncondcmncd.
Thcy havc lost cvcnI thcy'vc won, that s, cvcn I thcr socal
cxstcncc, complctclyconsstngoIthcrconscousncssandcon-
sumngt, sasscsscdatahghmarkctvaluc.Brcak-upsandup-
hcavalsnolongcrlconthcrhorzon,thcywlldcasthcylvcd,
cacha soldcrandbravc. '
Onc has to ask about what t s that nhcrcs n thc vcrdct oI
socctyandwhatchanccs oIIcr thcmsclvcs to dsmss t.Thcjudg-
mcnt passcd durng our actvc lIc by a conscnsus takng shapc
unnotccablyn ourmndss ncvcrhnallygvcn. Oursocalcxs-
tcncc, whch s our cxstcncc plan and smplc as soon as wc
havc cntcrcd thc phasc oI agng, s rccordcd n a daloguc. Wc
spcak, soccty answcrs. Whatwc do andpcrIorm s thc hrst act
oIa socal rcalty. Thc sccond act, radatngbackto thc hrst and
n that way gvng ts dmcnson, s a rcplyto, or acton aganst,
thc hrst. Wc thnkwc spcakaspocts-t canbc assumcd-and
challcngc soccty wth our poctc word. Whcthcr wc wcrc cI-
Icctvc cnoughtobcpocts n rcaltywlldcpcnd uponwhcthcr
soccty acccpts ourchallcngc.
Thsgamc, nthcmanymcanngsoIthcword-aplaynthc
thcatcr oIthc world bascd onts cndng, purc /udus, a gamc oI
chanccwththchghcststakcs-sncthcrwonnorlostaslongas
wcarcyoung.Wcbcatonthcdoorstodayandnooncrcsponds,
buttomorrowthcywll opcn uptous-sowc hopcandbclcvc,
snccthcbclcIandhopcoIsocctyarcpartoIus, andnoIcllow
humanbcngswouldlkctobcdcaItothcknockngonthcrdoor.
OnccwcarcagngandhavcalrcadygathcrcdnalargcnumbcroI
answcrs, oncc soccty hasalrcadyapplcdannvcntory oIthcrc-
jondcrsssucdtous, onlythcn docsthatsamc soccty Iccl ccrtan
oItsncwlympartcd nIormatonandcalculatcstautomatcally
accordng to thc nvcntory sum. Thosc who do not opcn thcr
doorsthcnnolongcrrskthcrolcoIbcngdcaIto othcrs. Atthc
58 I ON A GING
samctmc,tsctrtanthatthcyhavchcardnourknockngthc
voccoIwhathasbccn.NowthcdaIoguchasosshcdntoa un-
IormItanythatwIIonIycndwthourcnd.WcaskthcctcrnaIIy
samcqucstonsbccauscwcgctthcctcrnaIIy samc answcrs, and
wcprcscrvcthcIattcrbccauscthcIormcraIwaysstaysthcsamc.
!twouIdbcgoodtoknowwhcthcrtsnotpcrhapspossbIcto
cscapc thcjudgmcnt oI soccty (whch, bccausc oI ts opaquc,
quanttatvcIydcmonstrabIcmassvcncsssaIsoavcrdct) , cvcnto
cIudctnagngandnoIdagcwhcrcthasthckcncdtobccomc
mpcnctrabIc. Who arc you?" thc mcntaI doctor s askng thc
patcnt. TaIIcyrand."TaIIcyrandshakcsnthcprsoncIothcsIIut-
tcrngaroundhsbodyIkca IooIsdrcss,shuIIIcsnhssIppcrs,
spoonshssoupoutoIhswoodcnbowI.HcsstIITaIIcyrand. thc
vcrdctoIsocctydocsnotconccrnhm.OrthcgrcatpantcrA.n
thc CaIc duDmcatMontparnassc.Hsnamc cannotbcIoundn
anyrcIcrcncc work, hc hasnotcxhbtcdanythngntcnycars,
art gaIIcrcs do notIkc hangng hs pcturcs cvcn n thcr sdc
rooms. Who arc you?" ! am a grcat artst, but you havc to
undcrstand, thc markctpIacc, ndustry, Iashon, cvcrythng s
aganstmc. "ThcvcrdctoIsocctycanbcdsmsscdthroughthc
totaIccIpscoIthcwhoIcsccnc,thats,throughdcnyngthcsamc
rcaItyprncpIc thatTaIIcyrandrc]cctsnthcmcntaInsttuton.
OnccancvcnarrangconcsrcIusaIbyobscurnga scctonoIthc
stagc as thcpantcrA. docs wththcnarrowworIdoIhsproIcs-
son.ButncthcrTaIIcyrandnthcmadhouscnorthcpantcrA.
hasasocaIagc.Tncybcatondoors,ndcIatgabIy, anddontcarc
nthcIcastthatnooncopcnstothcm.ThcytaIkntothcvodand
gvc upaII cIamItO a rcsponsc. SocctytcIIsthcm, !Iyouwcrc
what you cIam to bc, grcat pantcr andTaIIcyrand, wc wouId
havctoknowt."Thcydonthcaranythng, thcvcrdctdocsnot
rcachthcm.
Thc numbcroIIunatcs s sIght. Evcnthoscwho arc a haII or
a quartcr crazy arc not many. Most arc normaI. " !n our casc,
thatmcans that at a ccrtan agc thcyacccptsocctysjudgmcnt.
Whcnthcywcrcyoung, thcyaganandagantcstcdthcmsclvcs,
morc orIcss couragcousIy (thats a mattcroIndvduaI dspos-
tonj , ngongbcyondapossblcImt,possbIc prccscIybccausc
soccty stII rccognzcd t as such. But n agng, thcr rcaIty s
thcr agc, thc socaI agc that conccrns thcmjust as much asthc
agcoIIaycrs oItmc storcd upnthcr mcmory orthatothcragc
thats cxpcrcnccdbythcm as loss oIthcworldthroughthc toI
andtroubIc oIa dchccntphysis. CcncralIy, ths socaIagc cannot
cvcrbc dchncd, t dcpcnds onthc cpochs, thc socaI structurcs,
thc rcspcctvc hcldoIrcIatonshpstowhcha pcrson s yokcd.
WhcnKcnncdybccamcPrcsdcntoIthcUntcdStatcsatIorty-
thrcc, hcwasyoung, aIorty-thrcc-ycar-oIdassstantproIcssors
not young. Or thc othcrway round. ScnatorThomas Buddcn-
brook n Thomas Manns novcI Buddenbrooks, who gancd hs
scnatoraIrankwhcnhcwasaroundIorty,wasprccscIybyvrtuc
oIthsdgnty andtspatrarchaIaura avcry maturcman, aImost
agcd.HsdssoIutcbrothcrChrstan, wth thcndchntcpann
hsIcgandthcpropcnstyIorchampagncbrcakIasts, was, cvcnon
hsdcathbcd, aboywhohadbccomc scnlctoocarIy. SocaIagcs
dchncdbyanctworkoIcausaIty, much toocompIcatcdtobcds-
cntangIcd hcrc. Ourvcry own socaI ambtons Iorm onc oI ts
numcrousskcns.A subordnatcoIhcaI, Iorcxamplc, s socaIIy
anoId man at Iorty-hvc whcn, and onIy whcn, hc has trcd to
attanahghcrposton. Aslongashcncvcrtrcstorscnthch-
crarchy, has ncvcr spokcn oI hshopcsIoradvanccmcnt cthcr
wthhsIamIy,wthhsIrcnds, orwthhs supcrors, hssocaI
agcsnotdchncdandnot dchnabIc. !nhssubordnatcposton,
thcrcsno socaIrcIcvanccnbcngthrtyorhIty. HcIvcsonn
60 ON A G ING
hspostonwthouthstory, amanwthoutbography-andonIy
thc wcght oImcmoryorhsburdcnsomcbody Icts hmbccomc
awarconcdaythathcsagcd.lnagrccmcntwthhsownmodcst
ambtonsocctyhadaIrcadypasscdj udgmcntonhm whcnhc
was stIIvcryyoungnycars.Tobc socaIIyagcIcss orcvcnoId
IromcarIy on, thatdocsntmattcr now, rght up to hs cndhc
takcsthngsasthcycomc.
!IthcrcarccrIcranourtmcIorsocaIagcthatgobcyondalI
structuraI, natonaI, andndvduaIdIIcrcnccs, Iwc candcImt
thcvcntyoIthcpontatwhchoursocaIjudgmcntrcccvcsts
IuIIvaIdtyandthcworIdnoIongcraIlowsustogobcyondwhat
wc havcj udgcd to bc possbIc, wc hnd our orcntaton n thc
rcaImoIpossession, towhchthcmarkctvaIucwcmayrcprcscnt
aIsobcIongs. ForourhomcIands nota worIdoIbcngbutonc
oI havng, morc cxactIy, a worId oI bcng that s onIy gvcn
through havng. Whatoncs, what onc standsIor, s dchncdby
whatonchas. Humanbcngsarc rcqurcdtohavc, accordngto
commonandacccptcdprncpIcsoIordcr-a computablcposscs-
son or a posscsson rcprcscntng and guarantccng markct
vaIuc-and thcy cntcrnto thc phasc oIsocalagngas soonas
thcydo have. !Ithcydonthavcanythng, thcyvcpcrhapsbccn
sparcd socaI agng. StII thcyhavc to Icarn thatncthcr socaI
csscnccnorhumanccxstcncchasbccnconccdcdtothcm.Born
dumb, nothngmorcIcarncd, bornpoor,nothngmorc carncd.
ThcythcnhavcncthcrsocaIstandngnorpcrmancncc, thcyrc
anmagnaryTalIcyrandorgarrctgcnus. Thc socctyoIhavng
ncutraIzcsautonomous ndvduaIswho, undcrprcssurc oIthc
rcqurcmcntoIhavng, cannolongcrhoIdupaganstthcIookoI
thcothcrsthcprospcct oIapcrsonaItywantngtobctsclI.
Oncmaytakc oncs orcntatonIromthcsgnsandmarkngs
aIongthcpathoIhavngposscssons-andthcnhavcahardtmc
Iocatng thc ponts oI rcIcrcncc Ior agng. Forthc IactoIhavng
posscssonsorthcrcqurcmcntIorthcmaIIcctsusatqutcdIIcr-
cnt phascs oI our IIc. For onc pcrson, thc Iatc oI havng pos-
scssonsbcgnsvcrycarIy,nthccradIc, Ihcsbornasanhcrand
thcpatcrnaIIactoryorIcgaIchanccIIcryawatshm, prcsscsupon
hm, Iong bcIorc hcsyctconscousoIhmscII. Foranothcr, thc
proccss bcgns n thc hghcr IcvcIs oI schooI whcrc a gIt Ior
mathcmatcs urgcs hcrnto thc carccroIa physcst orancng-
nccr, ccrtanoIhcr markctvaIuc. For a thrd onc, t happcns at
thcunvcrstyornthchrstycarsoIproIcssonaIpractcc. !nany
casc,howcvcr,havngdctatcsancxstcnccthatstructurcs oncs
conscousncss ands n two ways a dcstny. on thc onc handt
robs us oI ourown dsposabIty, oIthc possbIty oIbcgnnng
ancwanymomcntatpontzcroanddcsgnngourIvcswthour
ownwIIwthoutsocctyorcvcnaganstt. Onthcothcrhand,by
wthdrawngorgathcrngtscIItogcthcrasthcposscssonoIcco-
nomcrcsourccsorasa dchntcabIty, a know-how, " rcqurcd
bysocctyandhonorcdthroughtsmarkctvaIuc, tcondcmnsus
torcmanancmptypIaccnsoccty,ahoIIowIormwthoutcvcn
thcabItyto pIan Iorour zcropont, soccty aIrcadyhavng ds-
poscdoIthatabIty.
Wth cvcry day, thc worId oI havng admts Icwcr andIcwcr
outsdcrswho canpIanIorthcmscIvcs.
Thc ntcgratngpowcroIhavngs vcrygrcat.Thcposscssons
orthc markct vaIuc oIa sngIc ndvduaI makcs that pcrson aII
thc morcIIcxbIc, sncc thoscthngsarcchanswornasagrccabIy
asjcwcIry s worn.
A.saIortyycar-oIdjournaIstwhocomposcsartcIcsoncon-
sgnmcnt. Hs skII, hs aIcrt pcn, as hs customcrs caII t wth
approvaI, hasassurcdhs wrttcnproducta dchntc commcrcaI
vaIuc.HcsIvng.NotcxactIynIuxuryornsccurty,butaIsonot
62 ON A GI NG
nnccdandnotnanxctyaboutabjcctmscry.HcwrtcsandscIIs
whathcswrttcn.hasaIarIydcccnthousc, drvcsacar,takcsva-
catontrps. Somctmcs, bcIorcIaIIngasIccp, hcspIagucdwth
mcmorcs. hcwasttngnagarrct,azcro. Hcddnotthnkany-
thnghcwrotcwouId cvcr hndabuycr, andthcrcIorc hcnotcd
downwhatcvcrhcwantcdandhowhcwantcdt.Whatkcpthm
aIvcwasthcwdchorzon. sncc hcwas nothng, hcwascvcry-
thng.HspotcntaItywasthcwhoIcworIdandaIIoIspacc.!nthc
rcaImoIthcpotcntaI,hcwasworIdrcvoIutonaryandclochard,
pmp andphIosophcr.Hcwasyoung. Hcwasyoungnhsycars
andnhsbody, andIhchadspaccbcIorchm, thcntwasbc-
causcnotvcrymuchtmchadbccngathcrcdupnhmyct.But
hcwasaIsoyoungnhssocaIcxstcncc, youngcrthanthcM. D.
oIthcsamcagcwhowasjusttrcatnghshrstpatcntstodcathor
thcactorwhowaspastnghshrstcrtcaIrcvcwsnascrapbook.
Nowhcsnotthatanymorc.Nowhcis bccauschchas, nomattcr
howIttIctmghtbc. SocctyhasaIIocatcdhssocaIagctohm
aItcrthrstIcthmknowthattonIytoIcratcsanctcrnaIyouthn
thcmadhousc.HchashssocaIagc,andsomctmcshcIccIswth
dccp horrorhsagrccmcntwtht. Tobcataxpaycrandactzcn
whoscgrcctngthcncghborsrcturnonthcstarsoIhsapartmcnt
buIdngl Thc sum oIa numbcroIhumIatng captuIatonshIIs
hmIorthcmomcntwtha sIIyprdc. Hcsashamcdthathchas
comctothspon!andthathscxstcnccwthouthavng, thccx-
stcnccoIpcrmancntbccomng, hasbccnstoIcnIromhmbyan
cxstcnccprcscrbcdbyhavng.ThcnhcaskshmscIIwhcthcrts
possbIctothnkoIasocaIordcrnwhchhs rdcuIousvctory
(whch s a sad dcIcatj couId havc sparcd hm. !t wouId bc a
systcm n whch cxstcncc s not havng somcthng, not cvcn
havngknowIcdgc (pcrhapsbccauschavngknowIcdgcwouIdnot
bctransIatabIcntoacatcgoryoIposscssonj, butwouIdrcmanan
cxstcnccoIbccomng.tobc andtobccomcwththcothcrswhosc
IookwouIdnotovcrpowcrhm,butnstcadwouIdhcIphmagan
andagantobczcroandtoconsttutc hmscII ancwstartngIrom
thczcropont.A.askshmscIIaboutthsandhndsnoanswcrand
knowsthattsvcryIkcIythaths nothndngan answcr was aI-
rcadydctcrmncdnthcsucccssvcactsoIhs captuIatons andn
whathchashadaIIaroundhm.HchasaIrcadybccomccngrosscd
nthcscthngs,nomattcrhowsIghtthcymaybc,andbccauschc
hasthcmhccannoIongcrnotwanttohavcthcm.LkccountIcss
othcrswththcsamcIatc, hchaschanstoIoscthatcanbcworn
ascasIyandagrccabIyasthcadornmcntoIadcstroycdcxstcncc
thatrunstscIIhumanIycvcnastbuIdstscIIupsocaIIy.Hchas
agcd. Soccty bcars thcbIamc.Hcbcars thcbIamc hmscIItothc
samccxtcntthathcaccommodatcshmscIItowhatsocctyhassct
nstcadoIbccomngaIooIorbIccdngtodcathIkc Chc Cucvara.
Cucvara,Caugun,thcmcgaIomanacnthcmadhouscandhs
dstantrcIatvcnthc CaIc du Dmc, thcyarc not aIIcctcdby thc
IookoI thc othcrs, thc Iookthatrcprcscnts thc worId oI havng
posscssons.Nor,Iorthatmattcr,arcthcnabobswhoscpropcrtys
sogrcatthattdocsnotmcananythngtothcmanymorcanddocs
notdctcrmncwhothcyarc. AIKhandrovctohsdcathyoung,
andthc Dukc oI Wndsor wII dc Ikc Chrstan Buddcnbrook,
boyshandscnIc. Thc othcrs rcacha socaI agc, sooncrorIatcr,
mostoIthcmatapontntmcatwhchthcyprcscntthcmscIvcs
tosocctyasproduccr-consumcrsworthyoInvcstmcnt.Atsomc
tmc,thcyhavcsomcthngthcyowntodcIcnd,acqurcdknowI-
cdgc to oIIcr, a marragc partncr tocarc IoraswcIIas chIdrcn.
Dchncdbywhatthcyhavcandwantngtoncrcascorprcscrvct,
both cxhaustngthcwhoIcpcrson, thcy stcktout andbccomc
oncdayawarcoIturnngacorncrbcyondwhchthcrcxstcncc
bascdonhavngcannotbccaIIcdback.thcnthcyarcagngpcr-
64 I ON A GING
sons. ThcdoorswIInotbcopcncdanymorc.Whocvcrdrcctsa
qucstontosocclygcts ananswcr. kccp onwthwhatyouwcrc
dongycstcrdayandthcdaybcIorc,dowhatcvcryourpastcom-
pcIsyou to do-or donothng. Wantcd. cxpcrcnccdbankcr to
takc ovcrourbranch oIhcc, maxmumagc. 40; busncsspcrson
wcII vcrscd n tcxtIcs wth knowIcdgc oI EngIsh capabIc oI
rcorganzng our busncss, no oIdcr than45; young, dynamc,
Iorward-movng and cncrgctc ndvduaI, Ikcs to work, good
pcrsonaIty,travcngagcnt,Iaboratorymanagcr,cngnccr,cdtor,
pubIctyagcnt.ThchcadsoIpcrsonncIhavcthcIookoIthcothcr,
rcqurng not only a socaI agc that corrcsponds to thc Iogc oI
nvcstmcnt,but,ill scIcar, cxpcrcnccnapartcuIarproIcsson.
ThcywontcmpIoyabcgnncratthcagcoIIorty.Thcrcontcm-
poraryX.,whoIromtwcnty-thrcctoIortyhascomputcdIorcgn
cxchangc ratcs, caIcuIatcdworknghoursIorpcccwork, draItcd
advcrtsngpostcrs,orwrttcnartcIcsonconsgnmcntwIIdothc
samcIortwototwoandahaIIdccadcsmorc.HcaskshmscIIsomc-
tmcswhcnhcIooksupIromhswork, !sthstogoonIorcvcr?
andIccIshsanxcty.!twIIgoonIkcths,notcxactIyIorcvcr,but
stIIIoranctcrntyoIhscxstcncc,asIongashsIorgctIuIbran,
hshcavyImbs,andthcvaIdIcgaIrcguIatonspcrmtt.
AItcrthatcomcswhatsocctycaIIs oncs wcII-dcscrvcd rc-
trcmcntandwhaIIoroncpcrsonmcansanampIcadmnstrators
rctrcmcntncomc, IoranothcramscrabIc pcnson, butIorboth
t mcansbanshmcntIromarcaItybcngIormcdhstorcaIIyand
conIrontng thc vcry uncanny qucston. Whcn havc ! actuaIIy
Ivcd?Whcndd!stopIcadngmyIIcasaproccssoIconstantrc-
ncwaIandpcrmancntcontradcton?FortunatcIy, suchmomcnts
oIqucstonngarcrarc.
Thcsccontcmporarcs,whcthcraIrcadypcnsoncdorcxctcdIy
gcstcuIatng ndvduaIs n thc mdst oI IIc, " ncrcasng what
thcy havc ormantanngt, acccptthcjudgmcntpasscdonthcm
bysoccty, thcrsocaIagc. Thcyarccontcntwthancgothatno
IongcrtrcstogobcyondtscIIbut thats notyctrcstng nsats-
IactonwthtscII, bccauscthccxstcntaIdcathcontancdnsocaI
rcsgnatonsjustasunacccptabIcasphyscaI dcath.!ts stIIday,
thcysayasthcytaIktothcmscIvcsandwanttobcactvcIkcmcn
and womcn. But thc nght has aIrcady sct n, cvcn bcIorc ts
actuaI cntrancc, andnowthcyarconIyabIctohavcancIIcctas
socctyrcqurcs,aIIows,orIorbds.
Somcthng nccds to bc addcd hcrc, cspccaIIy about thc
mctaphoroIthcnghtbrcakngn.tsamaudIncIchc,worsc,t
docsntappIy at aII. !stnotso thatthcIcadcrs and pIIars oIso-
cctyarcvcncrabIcpcrsons, cvcnaIItoovcncrabIc, andthatthc
ruling gcncraton s that oI thc hIty-hvc-to scvcnty-ycar-oIds?
Prcsdcntsandcabnctmnstcrs,nIIucntaIunvcrstyproIcssors,
hcads oIboards oIdrcctors, mcmbcrs oIIcarncdsocctcs, thcy
arcaIIgcttngonnycars. Onthcothcrhand, whatcvcrmaycon-
ccrn aII thc othcr tny namcIcss cxstcnccs, soccty s aIrcady
makngts pIaccs rcadyIorthcm.Thssjusta qucstonoIsocaI
cngnccrng. AmcanngIuIIIc" andanoIdagcworthIvngwII
bc guarantccdn thc Iuturc oratIcastmadcpossbIc, naccord
wththcncrcascnIIccxpcctancy.
Onc shouIdn't wax hcroc about mctaphors oI twIght and
thc drama oI agng. Thc days do gct Iongcr and Iongcr Ior thosc
who gvc ordcrs, but aIso Ior thc othcrs who run aIongsdc as
IcIIowtravcIcrs.!n ourIathcr'shouscthcrcarcmanyapartmcnts
and somc oIthcmIookIkc wcII-Iurnshcd homcs Iorthc agcd.
Butayoungphyscstsays, ThcoIdcrmcnandwomcnnour
hcIdcnjoyoIhcaIhonorsandthcgIorousdgntythcy'vccarncd,
butwc, pcopIcbctwccn twcnty-hvcandthrty-hvc,we makcthc
dscovcrcs . " Bchndthc sIvcr-harcd captans oIndustrywth
66 I ON A GI NG
thcrncxhaustbIccapactyIorwork-whchthcgoodoIdprcss
tcIIs us about-s:and thcrpromptcrs, thc brIIant youngmcn
uponwhomtaIIdcpcndsandbcIorcwhoscsharpcrntcIIgcncc
thcoIdbownmorcorIcssgoodcomposurc.Morcthanordnary
pcopIc,thcapparcntIypowcrIuIarcsubjccttothcvcrdctoIsoccty
and arc condcmncdby tto rcman whatthcywcrc.Thc ttuIar
chcI cxccutvc oIhccr oIanndustraI hrm who has Iong sncc
handcdovcrhspractcaIcontroItoagroupoIyoungcoworkcrs,
thcIamousproIc:sorwhohasaIrcadybccnovcrtakcnntcIIcctu-
aIIybyathrty-ycar-oIdassstantandnowcoIIcctsonIydstnctons
and honorarydoctoratcs, thcy pIay thcrprcscrbcd roIcsj ustas
prccscIyasanyol dmanoImagnhccnccspcakngaboutgrcatna-
tonaIqucstonsnwordsoIpowcrprcvousIyhcardandthcrcIorc
casIymanpuIatcd.thcIattcrandthcIormcrarcprso
_
crsoIthcr
past. Thoscnoncgrouparcno IongcrcIIcctvcataII,thchack-
ncycd nght has n Iact brokcn ovcr thcm aIrcady, onIy thcr
sccrctarcsstIIIawnovcrthcm.ThoscnthcothcrgroupmaysuIk
IkcabunchoICormCrymmcsandIIashIkcJuptcr,thcrspccch
anddccdsarctcdtothcpoItcaIroIcsthroughwhchthcyhavc
actcdprcvousIy.I wasaIrcadynghtabovcthchcadsthcycarrcd
hgh,too, cvcnIbrghtcncdbythcstarsaswcII.
But whatdothc anonymous stII hopc Iorwhcn thcr socaI
agc,thcrhavngagcd,sdrapcdovcrthcmbysoccty?ThcIcttcr
carrcrrcmansa Icttcrcarrcrj ustasdc CauIIcrcmansl'homme
historique, cxccptthattscascrandbcttcrtoportrayoncsown
monumcntthanonc'sownnothngncss. Butassoonasoncsno
Iongcrcvcna IctIcrcarrcrandhasIostthcabItytorcgardthc
dcIvcryoIarcgstcrcdIcttcrasanactoImportancctothc statc,
thcn nothngs Icft cxccpt watng to scc howto dcaI wth thc
ycars oIputtcrng around n a IttIc gardcn. A mcanngIuI cx-
stcncc. "Surc.SocctymaycarcIorthcagngwthwcIIarcorcvcn
67 I The Look of Others
byprovdngpart-tmcworkthat docsntrcaIIynccdtobc donc.
Thcy arc not so stupd that thcy wouIdnt know cxactIy that
othcrsarconIyIcttngthcmdoasthcyIkc,thatthcyarcburdcns
anduscIcsscatcrs.PcrhapsthcyIIbc carcdIor, that soIcoursc
bcttcr than Icavng thcm to thcmscIvcs and thcr mcagcrpcn-
sons.!Itddnotsoundsoprcsumptuous, Itddnotsmackso
pcrvasvcIyoIrcactonarynsoIcncc, tcouIdbc addcdthatthcr
mscryandthcrsocaIsoIatonarcstIItheir ow wrongs, const-
tutng Ior thcm an cgo-oI grcvancc and accusaton-whIc
carngIorthcmandprovdngIorthcm makc thcmntoanothcr,
cvcnnthcrowncycs.ThsmscryandsoIatonmakcthcmnto
crcaturcs oItotaI socaIdctcrmnaton, pcopIc whoarcnoIongcr
abIcto gvc cvcn a bad consccncc to thoscwho arc wth thcm
andthosc aganstthcm.
NooncmaydoubtthatsocaIagngscsscntaIIydctcrmncd
by thc worId oI havng. But t wouId bc qutc nadmssbIc to
rcduccthcphcnomcnonoIagngandbcngoId,astsdctcrmncd
by thc Iook oI othcrs, to a Icw IundamcntaI probIcms oI socaI
structurcandoImarkctandprohtcconomcs.Aganandaganwc
mcctthc Iact oI thc body-thcIraIbodynths casc-whchnot
onIygvcsa spcchccoIortothc subjcctvc quaItyoIagng, but
whchhrstoIaIImmcdatcIyrcIcascsthccIIcctsnsocctyaswcII.
Youdon'tgctprcttcrwhcnyougctoIdcr,sadErchKastncroncc
naharmIcsspocm.ThstrvaIobscrvaton, whchcanncthcrbc
surpasscdnorIurthcrrcduccd, svaIdnaIIcascs. Onc docs not
gct morc attractvc, morc agIc, not cvcn morc cIcvcr, and thc
worId-undcrstoodhcrcasa statstcaIIyrccordabIcsumoInd-
vduaIopnons,IccIngs,rcactons-knowstandmakcssurcthat
ts wcIIundcrstoodbythcagngand thcoId, whotodayarcnot
vaIucd as rartcs and thcrcIorc cannot bc consdcrcd vcncr-
abIc magcs oIdvnty. AgngpcopIc gctugIy. n Gcrman, ugIy
68 I ON A G ING
( hij/ich) sthatwhchonchatcs (hajt) . Thcygctwcak,whchn
coIIoquaIspccchsthcsamcasavaIucquaIhcaton,cvcnann-
vaIdaton.oncspcaksoIawcakpIayorawcakcxchangcratcand
bcstowsuItmatcIyonthcwcakhumanbcngjustasIttIcsnccrc
sympathyasonaIaIcddramaorasIumpnsccurtcs.Numcrous
adjcctvcs, aIIbcgnnngwththcsyIIabIcun, " arcattrbutcdto
agngandoIdhumanbcngs. thcyarcunabIctopcrIormmuch
physcaIwork,uncoordnatcd,unhtIorthsandthat, untcachabIc,
unIrutIuI,unwckomc,unhcaIthy,un-young.Thcncgatvcprchx,
asan cxprcsson oIa ncgatonwcIIngup Irom dccp cmotonaI
Ioundatons, canbctakcn, Ionc Ikcs, as thc negation consum-
matcdbysoccty thcan-nhIatonoIthcagnghumanbcng. But
thconIythngtatsan-nhIatcdhcrcswhataIrcadybcarsthc
sgnoInothngncssontsbrow, anothngncsswhoscgraphchar-
bngcrsphyscaIdccInc. ThcundcnabIcavcrson,convcrtcdnto
rcspcct, oIyoungpcopIc towardthcoIdturnsthcrcspcctIorthcsc
cIdcrsntoamcrcconvcnton.!tsqutcpossbIyaIcaroInothng-
ncss, rcsstancc toawayoInotbcngthathasaIrcadynsnuatcd
tscIIntocxstcncc.
ThcworId"an-nhIatcsagnghumanbcngsandmakcsthcm
nvsbIconthcsrccts,assthccascwththcprovncaInotaryA. ,
whowouIdIkctostroIIthroughParsbutcannotbrnghmscIIto
dot anymorc bccausc hcs rcjcctcdby thc crowd thatgnorcs
hm.ThcIookoIthcothcrs,whchgocsrghtthroughhmasIhc
wcrca transparcntsubstancc,shattcrshm. HcIcavcsthc captaI
cityandrcturnshomctohissmatowninthcPyrcnccs,bccausc
nthcIong run!s nconspcuousncssbccomcsnsuIIcrabIc. !ts
thcnaturcoIhumanbcngstoasprctocxstIorothcrs.-Thats
aIIhsItcrarycrcator, thcnovcIstJcan-Lous Curts,ntcndcdto
sayabouthsIalcdtravcI advcnturc. Thcbook, La Quarantaine,
saysnothng about thc dsconccrtng spcctacIc thatthc worId,"
whIc condcmnng A. tonvsbIty, stIIdocsnot consstonIy oI
youngpcopIc-thcrc arc aIso qutc cnough agngpcopIccrossng
thc bouIcvards on whch thc notary s annhIatcd by cmpty
starcs. !tsgoodIorthcagng to rcaIzc that soccty, rcgardIcssoI
howt arrangcs thcdcmographcsoIts agcpyramd, acccptsthc
annhIatngjudgmcntoIthcyoungandthcmostrcccnt. Evcnthc
honors rcndcrcd to thc agng, both prvatc andoIhcaI honors,
changc nothng about that. An agng pcrsons oId not onIy to
youth but aIso to thosc oI hs or hcr own agc who Iook at thc
young, too, cvcnwhcnthcyarousc noIookn rcturn. Thcydcny
soIdartytothcrcomradcsndcstny, trytomantanthcr ds-
tanccIromthcsgnsoIthcncgatonoIcxstcnccthcyrcadnthcr
Icaturcs. That s not to say that thcy Iovc thc young, onIy that
thcy cIng to thcmnanabsurdIongng and wth an cnvy thcy
cannotadmttothcmscIvcs. Aganstthcjudgmcnt, passcdovcr
thc agngbyyoung andoId, butaIways accordng to thc IawoI
youthandtsdrcadoIdccay, thcrcsnoappcaI.Honorsthatscrvc
asabundanttcstmoncs toagngandoIdhumanbcngsarcIccbIc
andprovcnothng.
Nothng, cvcnwhcnthcvcncratonoIthcgrcatoIdmansIuII
oI pomp and ccrcmony and cvcn whcn thc Iong appIausc oI
younghands cIappngaccompancsthscurosty oIagnguponts
cntrancc.
A.vstsoncoIthcIccturcsoIJcan-PauISartrc,somcthngthat
hasbccomc ararccvcntthcsc days.Twcntyycars agohcwasthc
godoIyouth, andcvcntodayhcIovcscspccaIIytoappcarbcIorc
youngpcopIc, sncc Iorhmthc Iuturchas aIways bccn thcau-
thcntcdmcnsonoIthchuman,andhc dcspscsthcscarchIor
IosttmcjustasmuchasthcromantccrotcsmoIdcath. LcIaux,
ccstIamort" (IaIschoodsdcath) , hchadwrttcn. Hswords ad-
drcssthcmscIvcsnottothoscIorwhomthcIaIscaIrcadycorrupts
70 I ON A GI NG
thcIookandroughcns thcvocc,buttothcyoungwho stIIarc
whatthcypromsctobccomc,whostrdctowardwhatscomng,
towardthccvcnInworIdandspaccaganstwhchthcymcasurc
thcrcgoandIorwhchthcyhavctoconsttutct.Sartrcsspcak-
ngtothcstudcntsnthcgrcathaIIoIaIargcWcstcrnEuropcan
unvcrstyaboutIhcRusscIITrbunaI.A.hadcomcIcssonaccount
oIthcthcmc-aboutwhchhcsadcquatcIynIormcdthanIor
thcsakcoIthcspcakcrhmscII.Formanyycars,hchashcIdhm
ngrcat rcspcct. dcvcIopng thcrcbya strongntmacy, thconc-
sdcdncssoIwhchhcwasscarccIyconscousoI. Hchadagcdwth
Sartrc. OnIya shabbyscvcnycarsscparatchm,thcyoungcronc,
Iromhsmastcr,butscvcnycarswhch, asthctwooIthcm, thc
phIosophcrandhsrcadcrpupI,wcrccImbngdownthc rungs
oIthcIaddcr,hadshrunknscaIctoannconscqucntaItmc-span
sothatA.couIdgraduaIIyIccIhcwasthcsamcagcasthcIccturcr.
Hchadsccnhmabouttwcntyycarsago.Atthattmc, Sartrcwas
youthpcrsonhcd andspokc not onIyntothc Iuturc but qutc
rghtIycvcnntsnamc.Hcstoodbothatthcbcgnnngandatthc
pcakoIhsIamc,hscxstcntaIsmwasthcIastwordnthchstory
oIdcas.ThatsonIyaIttIcmorcthantwodccadcs ago. !n 1 946,
nsptcoIhsmuchdscusscdugIncss,"cvcndcscrbcdbySartrc
hmscII n hs autobography, thc phIosophcr cxudcd a strong
physcaIIorccoIattracton, somcthngvrIcandpowcrIuI. But,
myCod,nowhchasbccomcaIraiI,trcdgcntIcman,ascnIcman
wthIIaccd,paIcgrayIacc,ancmacatcdbody,andancxhaustcd,
rattIng vocc, hc has bccomc oId wth tmc wcghng nsdc of
hm,andIoraIcWsccondsA.hndstdIhcuIttorccognzcagan
thc SartrcIromthcsprngtmcoI 1 946.
Hc s most dccpIy movcd about somcthng IundamcntaIIy
smpIcandconstantIyknown,butwhchaganandaganstotaIIy
ncw. thatahumanbcngcancomc to such astatc.A. knows, as
cvcryonc knows, thatthcgrcatphIosophcrnwhoschonorthc
studcntsarcnowrsngtothcrIcctsqutcsck,cnoughsothaths
boIogcaIagcmustbcrcIatvcIyhghcrthanhschronoIogcaIagc
andhsphyscaIdccaythcrcIorcwthoutcxcmpIaryvaIucIorthc
agcoIasxty-thrcc-ycar-oId.But whIcthcIccturcrspcaks, Iog-
caIIyvcryrgorousasaIways,wththcIorccoIhsowndaIcctcaIIy
sharpcncdIormuIatons, naIngthcpoItcaI dcvcIopmcntsdown
n brIIant ponts as hc phIosophcaIIyj usthcs thc RusscII Tr-
bunaIaganstthcAmcrcanVctnamWar,A.,whosonIyIstcnng
abscnt-mndcdIytothctcxtoIthcIccturc, grows awarcthatts
notncarIyasmuchthcphIosophcrsbodIyIragItythatshItshm
ntothcpsychoIogcaIstatcoIpanIuIand rcsgncdtcndcrncssas
tsSartrcssocial agc.EvcnthcphIosophcroIbrcakngthcImts
oIthcscIIhasbccomcaprisoncr-notoIhsIamc andrcputaton,
asthcspcakcrwhontroduccdthc Iccturc sad, sncc Sartrc has
j ust brokcn out oI that-but nstcad thc prsoncr oI thc tmc
stackcdupnsdchm,stIIonIyspcakngthctcxtsoIhsroIcnIIc,
stII onIybcngwhat hcaccompIshcdandthcrcIorcbcngcond-
toncdbythcsocctythatstruck thc baIancc oIhsIIcandwork
andcompcIshmtobcnoothcrthanjustJcan-PauISartrc,who
wrotcccrtan books andnotothcrs,whon 1 948 IoundcdapoIt-
caIpartythatddnotcvcnbccomcascct, whorcIuscdthcNobcI
Przc, andwho, asthcphIosophcrwhobrokcdownboundarcs,
scthsownImts,ImtsthatatthsstagccannoIongcrbccrosscd,
cspccaIIybya manwho has aIrcady agcd, whomayIvc hItccn
morcycarsorj ustascasIyonIyhvc.
Thc unIortunatcIy somcwhatraspngvocc spcaks, appcaIs,
anaIyzcs, cxcrcscsanundmnshcdhghIy sharpcncdntcIIcct,
gvcsordcrs.TwoandahaIIthousandpcopIchangoncvcryword
wthcxtrcmcIyanxousattcnton.!tsqutcobvousthatstanding
snot casyIorthcspcakcr.PcrodcaIIy, hcbraccshshandsvcry
72 I ON A GING
hghagansthshpsa s ItohcIphsbodycarrytsownwcght.Hs
har,twcntyycar:agocoppcr-coIorcdandthck,snowstccI-gray
andscantandonIycovcrshsbaIdnghcadnsngIcstrands.But
A. sthnkngthaIcvcnthatsnotthccsscntaIthng, aIthought
ntcnshcsthcpanIuItcndcrncsshcIccIsasthoughhcwcrc stand-
ngdownthcrchmscIIandhadtosupportthcwcghtoIhsown
burdcnsomcbodywth hs arms braccd aganst hs hps. What
touchcs hm, morc than thc physcaI dccInc oI thc grcat man,
cvcnmorcthanthcknowIcdgcthatSartrchastorcmanSartrc
cvcnasanagngman,cvcntopromotcthcmcmoryoIChcGuc-
varawthoutbcngabIctobccomcanothcrChc Gucvara,what
makcshm,A. ,IccIthchardshpoIhsownstuatonasanagng
pcrsonsthcnsghtntothcwaythctwoandahaIIthousandat-
tcntvcandrcspcctIuIyoungpcopIcarcstcaIngIromthcoIdman
downbcIowthc Iastycars oIhs IIc-through thc mcrc Iact oI
thcrbcng youngand gong Iorthnto a worId that bcIongs to
thcm and only thcm. Thcy wII rcadothcrbooks than thosc oI
Jcan-PauISartrc,othcrthanthoscthatJcan-PauISartrcrcad.Thcy
wIIpopuIatcaworIdwthoutSartrc. thcant-SartrcworId,whch
wIIcxpandcvcnismagc,word,anddccdoIthc,bythcn,aIrcady
dcccascdSartrcwIIbcaspctrhcdandrgdashsgravcstonc.Thc
IuturcoIthcscyoungpcopIcs sct wthnthcmasaIactoIthcr
bcng young. ln ths contcxt, that mcans that thcy arc rcady
bothtosczcthcworIdandtoIIowcIIusvcIyntot.Butsnccths
IuturcworIdwthoutSartrcswthnthcm,nthcrpro]cctstodo
thsandthat,tovrtcbooks,tomountpIatIorms,towatchmovcs,
and to go to thc Congo, sncc thcy carry thc ant- Sartrc worId
wthnthcm,thcyarcbccomngthcmscIvcsSartrcsadvcrsarcs.
-NowthcygctuponccaganIromthcramphthcatrcaIbcnchcs
andappIaud.Thcycannotknowthatthc cstccmthcydspIayIor
thcagcdmanwhosnatchcsuphspapcrsandmakcsIorthccxt
on hs tny Icct s ds-cstccm" and a maIcous condcmnaton.
ThcywouIdhavctobcoIdthcmscIvcstorcaIzchowthcrcspcct
oIIcrcdtothatwhchwas andis bccomcsdsparagcmcnt.Iorthcrc-
spcctIuIvcwoIwhathasbccndocsnotaIIowanyIongcrthcbcIcI
thatthcIattcrcanstIIbecome. Thcrtrbutcssombcr,Ikcanobt-
uary. !n t thcy antcpatc thc phIosophcr's dcath. AppIausc.
Bravo, bravo. Butnowto ourscIvcsandthcworId! Agoodand
grcatoIdman.AItcrhmgrcatcrandbcttcroncsarccomng and
wc, thc young,wIIbc thcrcwththcm.-ThcggantchaII cmp-
tcs.
OnhswayhomcthroughthccoIdcty,whoscncwstrcctsand
buIdngs havc changcdsomuchthattsa daIy cIIort Iorhmto
hndhsway and notdrvc nto aonc-waystrcct, A. saIonc.But
hcsmcntaIIywthJcan-PauISartrc,whoscsocaIagcshs,cvcn
thoughhcshmscIIashrnkngscvcn ycars youngcr.UnIkchs
grcatcomradc,whoatthsmomcntsprobabIyrctrngcxhaustcd
nhshotcIroom,hcsnotaIamousphIosophcr.ButhcsaIsoaI-
rcadywhathcwas, andIromhm, too, thcyoungpcopIcIcavng
thcIccturcandcrossngthcstrccthavcstoIcnthcworIdthatthcy
arc rcadyto makc Irom hs nto thcrs. Thcy arc pIcasngtoIook
at. Thcyarcahorror. Onc can, onc must,nstructthcm.ButIor
cvcrandcvcr, oncmustbcashamcdnthcrprcscncc,bcIorcthcr
cmbraccs, bcIorcthcbooks thcypIan,thcpoItcaIpartcsthcywI
cstabIsh.JusthowsmpIct s. socctyascrbcsa socaIagc tous.
!t dcstroys us onIy whcn ths socaI agc has rcachcd a IcvcI at
whchthcworIdtakcsstockoIwhatwchavcdoncornotdonc.At
that pont, socctyIoIIowsthc unwrttcnIaws oIyouth,dcvcIopcd
ancwcvcryday, byhumanbcngswhohavcboththcstatcoIbc-
comng and thc Iuturc cntrcIy to thcmscIvcs. Our socaI
cxtnctonnagcsaIrcadyscttIcd,rcgardIcssoIwhcthcrournamc
s Sartrc or X. , rcgardIcss oI whcthcr wc arc accompancd by
74 I ON A GING
appIauscandthcIghtoI IIashbuIbsordrvcthroughthcstrccts
anonymousIy. Wc arc consttutcdas bcng such and such and
havngthsandthat-andthcrcbyIockcdoutoIthatwhchbc-
comcs.ThcIutur:saIrcadyatancnd. OursocaIcgohasbccn
gvcntousnomittcrhowmuchwcmaybcncIncd n IoncIy
hourstocoddIca hcttoustruc" onc.!Iwc canonIystIIchoosc
tobcTaIIcyrandnthcmadhouscorthcgrcatpantcrnthcCaIc
duDmc?Butno.
Wccan]ustas casIy rc]cctboththcacccptancc oIthcvcrdct
and ts opcn rcIusaI-as most try to do, gvng thcr oId agc ts
appcarancc oI rdcuIousIy sunny good Iortunc. Thcnwc wth-
drawntoa scII-dcccptonthatccrtanIyncvcrrcaIIytakcs usn.
wc arc ncthcrthc ncgatcd northc mcntaIIyII,]ustagngand
oIdpcopIc, anybody and cvcrybody, Iostn thc ndIIcrcncc oI
normaIty. Howarcyou?Fnc, thanks, O.K.Iormyagc,]ustrght
undcr thc crcumstanccs. And a IaIsc smIc on thc Iacc oI thc
pcrson askng thc qucston, a bashIuI onc on thc pcrson qucs-
toncd.That canbchandIcdIarIycasIy, whodwanttodcnyt?
Thc worId, agrceabIy touchcd bccausc t docsnt havc to bc
scrupuIous, taIks oIapostvc atttudc.Thatwc agcn dgnty, as
tscaIIcd, wthoutrcvoIt, wthoutIamcnt, s rcqurcd-and such
a dcmand madc oI us, naIIanccwth our own wcakncss and
Iasstudc, cvcntuaIIy satshcs.
A postvc atItudc and dgnhcd agng wthout compIant
havc two aspccts. Onc can pursuc changc and, as a Iavortc
prank oI scII-dcccpton, stay young wth thc young. " Soccty
wth ts cconom.c nsttutons hcIps vgorousIy. LIc bcgns at
Iorty, at hIty. Howto rctrc happIy at hIty-hvc n CaIIorna. "
WomcncanbcscxuaIIyhappyaItcrmcnopausc. "CIothcsmakc
thcman, Iyouwcarthcmyoung, thcnyouarcyoung.Thc samc
soccty thatannhIatcs thc agngbyputtngthcmnthc strat-
jackct oIan unchangcabIc cxstcncc orcvcn cxpcIs thcmIromts
cconomc proccss rcqurcs thcm to consumc thcr agc as thcy
onccconsumcdthcryouth.Thctcmptatonsgrcat,Iorwhocvcr
gvcsntot cvcntuaIIy rcaIIy catchcs hcrc and thcrc a IcwsmaII
crumbs oIthc worId. onc carrcs hmscII young andIashonabIy,
marrcsayoungwoman, and, whIc whcczng, danccsthcjcrk at
sxty, thc othcr buzzcs aItcr tmc, possbIy ahcad oI t, appcars
cmbarrassngIy wIIng to bc cnchantcd about thc conqucst oI
spacc, waywardkds, andthcIatcstnovcIs,thngssupposcdIyhII-
ng hm wth cnthusasm cvcn thoughntruthhc hankcrsaItcr
hs pcacc andquct andwants to rcadFontanc.Wth ths att-
tudc, thosc who try to rcman young n spIcndor do not hnd
thcmscIvcs n agrccmcnt wth soccty, but no doubt n accord
wth ts cconomc and pubIcstc Iacadc. Thcy do what s prc-
scrbcdIorthcmbyadvcrtscmcnts,postcrs, popuIarncwspapcr
artcIcs, and cvcn scrous socoIogcaInvcstgatons, IormuIatcd
nthcrownwaytoscrvcthcapparatus oIsocctyandpubIshcd
Ior ts purposcs. !t sccms to bc vcry pIcasant whcn onc s pcr-
mttcd to obcy. And t docsnt amount to anythng whcn thc
commands gvcnaganstthcbcttcrjudgmcntoIthccommandcr
andoncbows n obcdcncc aganst oncsownrcasonabIcnsght.
A postvc atttudc" to agng can aIso havc a compIctcIy
dIIIcrcntaIIurc. ThIswIIIccrtaInIynotbc sanctIoncdbythc cco-
nomc apparatus, but through convcnton It has rscn to an
honor. wc arc spcakng oIthc rctrcat oIthc agngnto an dyII.
Soccty's annhIaton s not ncgatcd by thcm bccausc thcygasp
Iortmcbut, on thc contrary, bccausc thcyaIhrm ts rapd pacc
bywIthdrawngIromt. !tIs attractIvc andgoodtoagc.!vcbccn
youngandcanaIsojonnthc convcrsaton, !vcgottcnoId,and
thuswhat!saycounts.LongsnccthcagnghavcIcathcrcdthcr
ncsts and arc tcndcrIy cuItIvatIng thcm wth Lct, ohworId, oh
76 I ON A GING
Ictmc bc."'Thcyarcsatshcdthatsocctygrantsthcmthcpcacc
oInothngncssbyIcttngthcmbcwhatthcyarc andwcrc. ltno
IongcrcxpcctsmuchIromthcm,onIythatthcyrcpIaywhats dc-
partcdIromths'Ic andbccndccIarcddcad-aproIoundrcIcI.
Thcysaythcyartharvcstng.Thcy stwthasunnyvsagcatthc
wndow and takc a Iook at thc worId as I through a rcvcrscd
opcra gIass. Whatcvcr raccs and struggIcs around n t s vcry
smaII to thcrcycs.Les jeux sont faits (thc chpsarc downj . thcy
dontnccdtopIayanymorcandcanshIttokbtzng andgvng
dctachcd advcc, thcyvc donc thcr part, now thc othcrs can
show what thcy can do. Wthout cnvy thcy watch thc othcrs
wcarthcmscIvcsout.BIcsscdtmc,lhavcaIrcadysccnsomuch,
throncsIaII, countrcsarsc,phIosophcs sczcthcworIdandIadc
aItcr two dccadcs, Iashons comc and go, pcopIc arc born and
dc,youvcgottostcktothcgrcatandctcrnaIthngs andtothc
strongbox you cantakcwth you. OIdpcrsonsdyIIcaIIy agng
takc as IttIc noticc oI socctys annhIatonas thosc who stay
young and anmatcd. thc Iattcr convncc thcmscIvcs thcy can
catch upwththc tmc that roIIs ovcrthcm, thc Iormcr smpIy
dcny t by scttng thcr conccptuaI pocm oI ctcrnty aganst t.
BothIvcn untruthanda mauvaise foi (badIathj .
Butthoscwho trytoIvc thc truthoIthcrcondtona s agng
pcrsons, thoughthcy dspcnsc wththc Ic, dontcscapc thcam
bguty that ncvtabIy has to turn out n thc cnd as an opcn
contradcton.Thcyacccptan-nhIaton, knowngthatnths ac-
ccptanccthcycanonIyprcscrvc thcmscIvcsIthcyrscupnrc-
voItaganstt, butthatthcrrcvoIt-and hcrc thc acccptancc s
anaIhrmaton oI somcthngrrcvocabIc-s condcmncdto IaI-
urc. Thcy sayno to an-nhIaton andat thc samctmcycs tot,
IoronIynthsIutIcdcnaIcanonc prcscntoncscIIataII as one
self to thc ncvtabIc. Thcy do not Iosc thcmscIvcs n thc
ts-aII-thc-samc-to-mc oIa normaIcy wthout scII, nor do thcy
IookIorrcIugc nthc madhousc, nordothcydcccvc thcmscIvcs
wtha maskoIyouth, norwtha dccpIydcccvngdyIIoIagng.
Thcy arc as socctyprcscrbcs. what thcyarc, a nothng, and yct
n thc rccognton oI bcng nothng stII somcthng. Thcy makc
thcrncgatonn thc Iook oIthc othcrs nto somcthng oI thcr
own and rsc up aganst t. Thcy cmbark on an cntcrprsc that
cannotbcaccompIshcd. Thatsthcrchancc ands, pcrhaps, thc
onlypossbItythcyhavc oI truly agng wthdgnty.
Not to Understand
the Wo rld Anymo re
Whocvcrgcts to thc thrcshoId, onc carIicr in ycars, thc othcra
IittIc Iatcr, somc armorcd with honcsty, othcrs snarcd in scII-
dcccption, aIIoIthcmturningout to bcIcss soIid, thcyaII havc
toIcarnata ccrtainpointthatthcydo not undcrstandthcworId
anymorc. This aspcctoIsociaIaging-gcttingculturally oIdinthc
widcstscnsc-usuaIIybccomcscIcarinarathcrsIow,undramatic
proccss oI succcssivcinsights. At hrst thcrc is oItcn onIya numb
IccIing oIavcrsionagainstwhat a particuIaraging pcrson might
caII thc cuIturaIjargon" oIhis cpoch. With this IccIing, hc cuts
himscII oII Irom asking whcthcr hc docsnt aIso spcak such a
j argon, aIbcit supcrannuatcd, and not, as hc thinks, a purc Ian-
guagc, the Ianguagc pIain and simpIc. Thcn sIight discomIort
accompanics him whiIc rcading ccrtain pcriodicaIs and books,
and hc wiII bc incIincd to taIk with a disapproving, rcsigncd
shrug oI thc shouIdcrs about Iashion, snobbism, isms, vcrbaI
pomposity, taIk hc oItcn dcnics himscII, sincc no onc Iikcs to
stand oII inbackward spitcIuIncss. This thoroughIytriviaI rcsis-
tanccagainstthc ncwand unusuaImaybc rccognizcdby thosc
79 I Not To Understand the World Anymore
cducatcd n thc hstory oI dcas as a constantIy rccurrng phc-
nomcnon. Thcy may knowwhat transprcdn Pars at thc hrst
cxhbtonoIthcmprcssonstsn 1 874, why thadtohappcnas
t dd, onwhatbassthc rcsstancc aganst Monct and hs Ircnds
cvcntuaIIy grcw Iamc n cmbarrassmcnt.
Buttoday,twIlstIInotbccasyIorthcmtoconvcrtthcrds-
pIcasurc wth Icttrsm ( or nIra and uItra-Icttrsm) ' nto a
dcmonstratonoItoIcrancc-Iorthcm onIya IormoIncomprc-
hcnson anyway. ThcnsubordnatonoIthcagngconhncstscII
hcrc not onIytothosc cuIturaI phcnomcna that rcqurc an cx-
pcndturcoIntcIIcctuaIcIIort,arcadjustmcntoIoncsscnsbIty,
buttothcmostncdcntaIdcvcIopmcnts, suchascIothngIashons.
NomattcrhowoItcn A. IcaIsthroughthcIashonmagazncs,
knowngprccscIythatshcwIIhavchcrcIothcsprcparcdwtha
modcratc downpIayng oI IashonabIc rcqurcmcnts, thc ncw
modcIsarcapronounccddspIcasurctohcrandsccmtobcabsurd.
Thstmc, too, A.sdsagrccabIystrrcdbywhatstohcrthcbla-
tantIydotccxtravaganccoIthcmodcIs.AsshchasaIrcadydonc
somctmcsonsmIaroccasons,shcgctsouthcrphotoaIbumwth
ts oId pcturcs n ordcrto hnd oncc aganwhat shcthnkswas
rcaIIyattractvcandbccomngncontrasttothcrrtatngcrcatons
thcdcsgncrsarcburdcnnghcrwththsycar.But wthhcrhrst
IookatthcIttIcpcturcsIromthcIatcthrtcs,somcthnghappcns
thatshchadaIrcadyantcpatcdcvcnbcIorcshcgotoutthcaIbum,
somcthngshchadstIIdcncdcvcnnthcmdstoIhcrIorcbodng
and aganst a bcttcrjudgmcnt bascd on past cxpcrcnccs. rght
bcIorchcrcycs, thcIashonoIhcryouth,her Iashon,ancsscntaI
partoIthccgobuItupbyhcrmcmory, bccomcssomcthngcom-
pIctcIympossbIc,atIcastasgrotcsqucasthcmodcIswthwhom
shcwIIhavctomakcIrcndsnthccomngscason.Thcrcshcs
hcrscII,standngundcratrcc. SuppIcwavcsoIharrcguIarIyun-
80 I ON A G ING
duIatngntohcrchccks,a skrtrcachngaImosttohcrankIcs, a
j ackctwthcomcaIIycutconcavcpaddcdshouIdcrs,anndcscrb-
abIc sIouchhat, cycsturncd upnawaythat, shaknghcrhcad,
shccannotdcscrbcasanythngbutaudacous.HowcouIdshcand
cvcnthcothcrscvcrhavcIkcdanythngIkcthat?Furthcrmorc,
shchastoIcarnhowcvcnthcmostbanaIconscqucnccsoIcvcnts
ncvcrturnoutsmpIy.lItwcrcsoIcIywhatpcopIcsayandtaIk
aboutwthoutthnkng-oId-IashoncdthngsarcIunnyandcm-
barrassngbccauscthcyhavcbccnknownIoraIongtmcandwc
wcrcthcrcwhcnthcywcrcovcrtakcnbytmc,ncontrasttothc
hstorcthngs,unknownIoraIongtmc,atwhoscsadcaptuIaton
wcwcrcnotprcscnt-IthngsrcaIIybchavcdthatway,wccouId
notcxpIanhowthcoutmodcdmmcdatcIyIoscsanyrdcuIous-
ncsswhcntsnoIongcrmcrcIyIookcdatbutremembered. A.cIaps
thcphotoaIbum>hut, cIoscshcrcycs, snksntothcpast: shchas
trackcddownthcIttIchat,paddcdjackct,ankIc-Icngthskrtand
Icrrctcdthcmoutashcrown,nowshcrcconstructsthcgcsturcoI
turncd upcycsandsagantotaIIyccrtanoItscharmngcIIcct.
ThoscIormcrwavcsoIharIaIIngntohcrchccks,now,snccA.
thnksshccantouchthcmaganwthhcrhands, havcrcgancd
thcrgraccoI 1 938. ThcIcsonhashcaIcdovcr.A.mayonccagan
trustthcantpathyshcIcItIorthcncwmodcIandhadtogvcup
ncmbarrassmcntwhcnshcIookcdatthcoIdphotos. OIcoursc,
shcwIIrccommtndthcIashonabIccrcatonstohcrdrcssmakcr
asannspraton,butshcwIIwcarthcsccIothcsagansthcrown
convcton asan unIortunatcIyncccssary conccssonto soccty.
ShchcrscIIwIIrcmanthcgrIoIthattmc,bcyondsuchup-to-
datc costumcs-and wll protcct hcrscII Irom thcpcturcs that
qucstonhcrscII-cstccm.thcscshowhcrthcIashonoIthattmc,
brokcn,corruptcd,transIormcdbythcIookoItoday,thcwardrobc
oIycstcrdayrcganstsauthcntctynmemor. ThcunrcaItyoIan
cvcntthat cannotbctransIatcdIromthc obj cctvcphyscaItyoI
thc ccrcbraIproccssnto thc subjcctvccxstcnccoIarcmcmbcr-
ngpcrccptonsmorcrcaIthanthctangbIcrcaItyoIapcturc.
ThatconcIusonstIIhasnotcxprcsscdanythngaboutthccuI-
turaI aIcnaton oI agng human bcngs, about thc stubborn
ndgnaton,wcIIngupnsdcthcmaganstthcrbcttcrjudgmcnt,
ataIIthatsncwcomngtowardthcm. Butmaybct sgnaIsthata
starthasbccnmadc. WccanabstractIromA. scxpcrcncc, ths
thoroughIybanaIcxpcrcnccthatcachandcvcryagngpcrsoncan
rcproducc atwII, andshIttothcbascIactsthatarchddcnnt.
WhcnshcIcaIsthroughthcphotoaIbum, A. sccs thcIashonoI
thc past Iromwthnthc sgn systcm oIthc prcscnt, whcrc shc
anxousIyrcmansnsptcoIhcrrcsstancc. !nhcrproccssoIrc-
mcmbcrng, shc rcIatcsthc samc data about Iashontothc sgn
systcm oIIormcrtmcs, towhch shc s Ikcwsc bound, havng
noncthcIcss constructcd hcrcgooutoIhcrrcmnsccnccs.
Thc cuIturaI aIcnaton oI thc agng pcrson cannot bc n-
tcrprctcd cxccpt as thc dIhcuIty oI hndng oncs way n an
unknown array oI sgns, cvcn among compIctcIy ncw sgnaIs.
Justas anautodrvcrwhowas travcIngthroughEngIandIorthc
hrsttmc bcIorc thc traIhc sgnaIs had bccnthoroughIy coord-
natcd wth thosc on thc contncnt Iost aII scII-conhdcncc and
was onIy ablc to contnuc slowIy, wtha IccIng oI constrcton,
thc agng crr through thc cuIturaI sgns oI thcr cpoch. ForA. ,
whcncvcr shc IccIs dstrcsscd by thc Iatcst Iashon, thc haII-
cxposcduppcrthghoIa womanaIwayshas thc sgnhcancc t
hadnhcryouth. a provocatvcacknowIcdgmcntoIcrotcrcad-
ncssandconscqucntIy-aganaccordngtothcsgnsyntaxoIthc
past-ndcccncy. !nthcsystcm oIthcprcscnt, howcvcr, thcsgns
havc bccn arrangcd dIIcrcntIy. Thc nakcd uppcr thgh snotan
acknowIcdgmcnt oIcrotc rcadncss any morc, t s no Iongcra
82 I ON A GING
provocaton, andprovocaton can no Iongcrbc assgncdtothc
conccptoIndcccncy.As thappcns,whatwcspcchcaIIycaIIthc
mcanng oI a sgn s pcrhaps not uncondtonaIIy thc sgnhcd
tscIIbutnstcadthcrcIatonshpoIoncsgntoothcrs, sothatthc
mcanngIuI systcm conssts nthcrcIatons oI cach sngIc sgnto
cvcryothcr onc.
To thc cxtcnt that thc agng try to stuatc thc cuIturaI phc-
nomcna oIthscurrcnttmctoaccordwththcrcIcrcnccpontsoI
thcrpast-whch was their tmc bccausctpromscd thcm thc
Iuturc, thc worId, and spacc-thcy bccomc morc and morc
strangcrs to thcr cpoch. Thc strangcncss bccomcs manIcst to
thcmasunccrtanty,andtobjccthcstscIInIIhumorandmpo-
tcntrcjccton.A :xty-ycar-oIdmanwhoIoIIowsthcntcIIcctuaI
dscusson oI thc day wII IrcqucntIy tcnd to vcw thc conIIct
bctwccnratonaIsmandrratonaIsm, thcBcrgson-Bcndaargu-
mc nt,asthccardnaIqucstondvdngthcntcIIcctuaIIcadcrs.!I
hc thcn bccomcs awarc that thc Marxsts, whom hc has con
sdcrcdnotwthoutjusthcatontobcatIcastthcarms-bcarcrsoI
thcratonaIstcIorccs,arcnowpartIydccIarngaIIcgancctoHc-
dcggcr, thcntcIIcctuaIsprtoIthcagcwIIncccssarIysccmout
oIpIacctohm, cvcnItcraIIyoutoItsmnd. thcphIosophcaI
mathcmatcsoIhscpochsturnngntoawtchsonc-tmcs-onc.
Thc samc Icar, cvcnpanc, sczcs hm whcn thc IIashback na
contcmporarymovcdocsnothavcanysgnhcanttcmporaIIogc
and, nthcmdstoIthcncwordcroIsgns, hcsnotonIyunabIc
to contnucto cvaIuatcthc hImacsthctcaIIy but musttakc thc
grcatcstcIIortjus|toIoIIowthcacton-whchnthc scnsc oIan
carIcrsgnsyntaxsnmanywaysno suchthnganymorc. Just
asthcagngcannothndthcrwaynactythatchangcststopog-
raphyIromycartoycar,Irommonthtomonth,justasthcrworId
atIass oI no usctothcmanymorc sncc thc IormcrBrtshand
Frcnch coIoncs havc Iong snccbccomcncwscII-suIhccntstatcs
whoscnamcsthcycanonIyrctanwthdIhcuIty,sothcywandcr
dcspcratcIythroughthcundcrbrushoIncwtoncscrcsnmusc-
t makcs no dIIcrcncc whcthcr nstrumcntaI or concrctc-and
ncwstructurcsoIwordsandscntcnccs. Onchastohavcpatcncc
wth thcm, asmuch wththcrrcactonaryand obduratcIackoI
undcrstandngnthcIaccoIncwpoctcstructurcsaswththcr
toIcrancc, condtoncdbythc samc non undcrstandng, andthcr
prccptous, but IIcgtmatc, aIhrmaton oI cvcrythng thc day
brngsthcm.
HcrcabovcaII wc nccdtobcarn mndthatwthn ourcon-
tcmporaryworIdthcsgnsystcmsarccxtrcmcIydIIcrcntatcd. A
supcrsystcm s no doubtconstantIycstabIshngtscIIasthcrcsuIt
oIa compIcatcd proccss by whch mportancc s dstrbutcd. !n
our days, ths supcrsystcm ranks structuraIsm, Ior nstancc,
ahcadoIcxstcntaIsm, thcNcwNovcI, ndcpcndcntoIchronoI-
ogy and no Iongcr obIgatcd to thc dcIncaton oI charactcr,
ahcad oI thc rcaIstc onc; thc Marxsm oI a Marcusc, drawn
cspccaIIy Irom HcgcI, as morc progrcssvc than thatoIthc Kan-
tan MaxAdIcr. Evcnconccpts Ikc Papas cncma" havcaIrcady
madc thcr way nto thc daIy prcss, thc agng thcmscIvcs usc
thcmand thcrcby acccpt thc vaIuc systcm contancd n thcm,
cvcn I wth mstrust and dscomIort. Wthn cach prcvaIng
supcrsystcm, partIy n contradcton to t, but ncvcr compIctcIy
ndcpcndcnt oI t, spccaI systcms arc Iormcd. Thcsc spccaI sys-
tcms, unstabIc arrangcmcnts oItastcnthc acsthctcrcaIm, no
Icss sIack and uncIcar ntcIIcctuaI schcmata n thc ratonaI-
ntcIIcctuaI rcaIm, ovcrIap cach othcr. Anyonc whoIvcs mcn-
taIIywthnthcsystcmoIncopostvsmconIormstoponts oIor-
cntaton dIIcrcntIromthoscoIthcstructuraIst, whIcthcIattcr
srcIatcdtodIIcrcnt rcIcrcnccs, dIIcrcntnotonIyIromthoscoI
84 I ON A GING
thc Iormcr, but aIsoIromthosc oIa Marxst, an cxstcntaIst, or
a phcnomcnoIogst. Butcommontothcmsthcrndcpcndcncc
Irom outmodcd systcms: what was caIIcdthc phIosophyoIIIc
around thc turn oIthc ccnturysIorcgnand a mattcr oIndI-
Icrcncc to thcm, nthsrcspcctthcyaIImovcwthnthccompIcx
oIthcr cpoch. Thc morc cncompassnga systcms, thc morc t
s both abstract andundIIcrcntatcdIorthc subjcct. Thc supcr-
systcmorthcsystcmsoIthccpochhavcaIcssmmcdatcgrp on
thc ndvduaIthanthc narrowcr structuraI dspostonnwhch
cach Ivcs. Thc conccpts oIthc phIosophy thcyvc scIcctcd con-
ccrn thc structuraIsts morc than thosc oI Marxsm, but n
common wth thc Marxsts thcy havc an cascr acccss to thc
structuraIdsposton oIMarxsmthantothat oIaThcodorLcss-
ngoraLudwgKIagcs.'Thcnarrowcstandmostconcrctc systcm
s naturaIIy aIways thc ndvduaI onc whosc ccntcr s thcn no
Iongcrthc sprtoIthctmcs, " norcvcnths orthatdoctrnc, but
thc individuals thcmscIvcsnthcrownpcrson.hcrcthcnthcrcI-
crcnccsbccomcpsychoIogcaIdata.lIthcyappcaras cmotonaIIy
coIorcd, thcyhavc cxstcntaI dcnsty.
BccausccvcryndvduaIsthcccntcroIaspcchcsgnsystcm,
bccauscthcmddIcrcIcrcnccpontoIthcsystcmshsorhcrown
cxstcnccandhasarrangcdaIIothcrpontsoIrcIcrcnccasthcyarc
andnotothcrwsc,tsthcrcIorcsocxtraordnarIydIhcuItIorthc
agngtograspthcsgnsoIanagcwhch, comngntobcng rght
bcIorcthcrcycs,sstcadIyccasngtobcatthcrdsposaI.ltmght
bc dIhcuIt, IorcxampIc, IoramangcttngonnycarstodccIarc
anythngIkcUIrchsconvcrsatonswthhsIrcndWaItcrnThe
Man without Qualities, thcoperationes spirituales oIMssrs.Naphtaand
ScttcmbrnnThe Magic Mountain, orthcantcIcrcaIsmoIthcttIc
charactcrnMartn du CardsJean Barois asnsgnhcantor]ust
hstorcaIIyntcrcstng.OrhcIIhavcthcsamccxpcrcnccasA.ob-
scrvnghcroIdphotos.hcmghtsmIc ovcrthc argumcntscarrcd
onbythcJcwsh Jcsut andthc!taIanFrccmasonnthcthnar
oIDavos, but whcn hc swtchcs drcctIyto thcm aItcr rcadnga
modcrndaIcctcan, hcwII,justIkcA.wththcIashonoI 1 938,
assoonashchaspushcdhsdaIcctcanawaycvcnIoramnutc,
exerience them as he remembers them, asthe stIIcsscntaIdscussons,
andwII hnaIIy dccmtoday's daIcctcaIwt tobcsupcrIIuousIy
ovcrproIound or hgh-hattcd babbIng. For thc narrowcst oI
systcms s that partcuIar onc whch, gvng powcr and makng
ordcr, sthcmddIcpontoIonc'scgo, thcconsttucntoIthscgo.
cvcryrcIaton,cvcryIgurcoIthssystcmsapcccoIoncscII.!It
snowthccascthatIorthcagngthcsupcrsystcmoIthcrcpoch
and thc majorty oI thc nIrasystcms Iormcdwthnthc supcr-
systcmstII onIy contan grcatIy transIormcd cIcmcnts oI thcr
pcrsonaIsystcm,thcraIcnatonwIIbctotaIandthcwaysoutrc-
manngtothcmwIIonIyIcadntostIIdccpcraIcnatons.!Ithcy
answcr thc gvcn systcm wth a curt rcIusaI-"Ah, ycs, aII that
caIIstscIIphIosophythcscdaysscmptytaIk,hopcIcssdrvcIs
oIIcrcdusaspantng,anarchcaIquackcryprcscntcdaspoctry"-
thcn thcy stcp out oIthcrtmc, bccomc strangcrs to thc worId
and downrght cranks. !I thcy try, howcvcr, to acccpt thc ncw
systcms, Iorwhch thcy mustaIways pay thc prccoIthcdcmo-
ItonoIthcrndivduaIsystcm,thcythcnIorcgowhatwasycstcr-
day stII thcrown, bccomc (n thc cxact mcanng oIthc word)
nauthcntc, andcannotwththsdubousbusncsscvcnbargan
IorthcrccogntonoIthcrcprcscntatvcsoIthcprcvaIngsystcm.
Qutc rghtIythcIattcrwIIsaythat, tobc surc, suchoIdpcopIc
mcanvcrywcIIand, thoughoId,arcatIcastaIways rcccptvcto
ncwdcas,"butncccssarIyIackthcrghtundcrstandng.Wththat
rcmarktaIIIaIIsntopIacc. ThcncwsgnsandthcrrcIatonshps
aIwayshavcIuIIvaIdtyandacccssbItyonIyIorthosc whoarc
86 I ON A GING
thcmscIvcs a part oI thcr nvcnton and dcsgn, thcy arc onIy
Icarncd whIc bcng crcatcd. Thc strangcrs who arc gucsts oI
IormcrtmcswIIconstantIyhndthcrwayaroundnthcmonIy
wthdIhcuIty, Ikc thcdrvcroIa carnthc mdst oIunknown
traIhcsgns.
Fora Iongtmc, A. hasbccntryng to kccp upwtha cIcvcr
andvchcmcntmodcrnItcrarycrtcwhowthoutmuchadohas
dccIarcdonc oIthcIavortcwrtcrs oIhsyouth, thcSwsswrtcr
bornn Swaba, HcrmannHcssc, tobcaproduccroIktsch. O.K. ,
cvcnhc, A. , hasnotrcmancd uncondtonaIIy IathIuItopoor
Hcssc,andnowIhcwcrctorcrcadthcpartwhcrc Dcmanand
hs Romantc Ircnd Pstorus starc togcthcr nto thc gIowng
coaIs, cvcn hc wouId probabIy hnd t tcdous rcadng. Pctcr
CamnzndsIovcIorthcIttIcbourgcosdaughtcrRs Crtanncr
strkcs hm as rathcrnarrow and stodgy. !Ihc happcns to opcn
Steppenwolf aganandrcadaboutthcpassonoIHarryHaIIcr,thc
StcppcnwoII, Ior hs androgynous Hcrmnc, A. admts thcrc s
dchntcIysomcthngbothpompousandcomcaboutt. ForCods
sakc, anoIdIcIIowoIhItyhasbcIatcdIyIcarncdthatt s OKto
sIccpwth an attractvc womanl Hcssc shouIdnot havc madc
such a Iuss about thc trvaI story. But to dcaI wth thc word
ktsch asbrskIy asthccrtc docs sccms toA. to bc a somcwhat
rsky busncss. Hcd Ikc both to puII hmscII togcthcr to a
modcrn crtcaI vchcmcncc and to rccommcnd tothc crtc thc
knd oI toIcrancc Ior thc oId wrtcr that hc hmscII s rcady to
oIIcrthc ncw, knowIngnthcproccss thattoIcranccnthatpIacc
snotcxactIytoIcranccandthatthcncwsaIwaysrghtqutcsm-
pIybccausct s Iurthcr aIong n tmc. How docs t aII rcIatc to
ktsch and cuIturaI agng, A. asks hmscII. Docst happcnn ths
casc thc wayt docs wth Iashon, whcrc ycstcrdaysstyIc s cm-
87 , Not To Understand the World Anymore
barrassng and rdcuIous and a panIuI shamc soIcIy Ior thc
thoroughIy suIhccnt rcason that t sunIortunatcIy ycstcrdays
styIc? ApparcntIy. !nany casc, t s strkng howbothn Iashon
andn Itcrary acsthctcs thc hstorcaI-and cvcn whcn t was
notsancthcdbytradtonaIcducaton-docsnotsuccumbtothc
proccss. baroquc wrtcrs Ikc Lohcnstcn and HoImannswaIdau
arc curous, but no Icss rdcuIous than thc pcacock-Ikc mcns
Iashons oI thc Rcnassancc. Laughtcr and ashamcd dstrcss,
thcrcIorcktsch-A. s thnknghowthatsconstantIywhatwas
experienced yesterday as somcthngfashionable. Hcsscandthcadjcc-
tvc comcIy,' thcyvc had t now bccausc thcy bcIong to
ycstcrday and wcrcpopuIarycstcrday, thats, thcywcrc worn
out by mass usc, dcvaIucd. KaIka, who was wrtng hs coId
pcccs oI horror at thc samc tmc Hcssc gavc hmscII ovcr to
comcIncss, was not caughtbythc ktsch-makng proccss, a hs-
torcaI proccss, cvcn whcrc t has to do wth contcmporary
ktsch. Thats not bccausc hs work s constructcd oI cIcmcns
thatarc sovcrydIIcrcntIrom thosc oIHcssc-by thc way, arc
thcyrcaIIyvcrydIIcrcnt, andstpurcconcdcnccthatprccscIy
Hcsscwas onc oIthc hrstto rcIcr toKaIka wth cmphass?-but
bccausc thc man Irom Praguc, contrary to thc Swaban Swss,
hadncvcrbccna contcmporaryIashon.ThcrcwasonIya KaIka
IashonwhcnKaIkanoIongcr cxstcd, tthcrcIorc couIdmakc ts
appcarancc wththc aIIurc oIanantIashon, consttutng tscII as
both hstorc and pontng towardthc Iuturc.
No mattcr how hard hc trcs, A. hnds nothng morc than a
thcorctcaIand purcIy abstract rcIcIn tryng to rcmcmbcrhow
acsthctcandntcIIcctuaI transIormatons havc runthcr coursc
orntryngto Icgtmzc hstorcaIIyhs cuIturaI outmodcdncss.
For hc s outmodcd n anncurabIc way, sncc hc undcrstands
thc ktschoIthc word comcIy" wthhs hcadbut notwthhs
88 I ON A GI NG
scnscs.Thus hc docs notathrst doubt thaths crtcaI mndhas
Iound tscII on wId goosc chascs, bccausc hc ncvcr took thc
troubIc toqucstonthcrcIatonshps comcIy"mghthavchadto
thcothcrsgnswthnthc sgnsystcmnwhchHcsscwasIvng.
How ddthcncrmnatngad]cctvcsIncs oIrcIcrcncc conncct
tothc sngIc acsthctc componcnts oIthc cvcrydayIanguagc oI
thctmc, tothcIashonsndrcss, tothcIanguagcoIpoctrynthc
schooIrcadcrs,andtothc othcrIanguagcthatwas at thattmc
modcrn, " tothccurrcntsoundandmagc structurcs?Thcyoung
grIs a Ia Rs CrtanncrpIaycd Sndngs RustIc oI Sprng" on
thcpano. LIcncronwasrcad. Stormhadnotyctbccn dcadIor
Iong. ComcIywasnotyctcomcIy,HcsscwasnotHcsscanymorc
thanthcHIdcrInoI 1 800 hadbccnHIdcrIn. `-A. sthnkng
howhs cncrgctccrtcddnotconsdcrsuchthngswhcn stcmy
passng ]udgmcnt, rghtIy or wrongIy, about sgns that had
mcanngonIywthn a cIass oIsgns. Howcvcr, thccrtcaI]udgc
oIHcssccannotbc dsposcd oIso casIy. hc hasmadcusc oIhs
compctcnccasa man oIhstmctobuIdon thc sgn systcm oI
hs tmc aIong wth othcrs and has pIaccd thc Hcssc sgns nto
ncw rcIatonshps, thcrcby rcvaIung and changng thcm. Thc
crtcs acton was not IIct, Ior thc systcms arc ccrtanIy not
statcbutarc na proccss oIpcrmancntrcncwaI. ComcIy" and
Hcssc, HIdcrInandthcwaIIsthatstandspccchIcssn thcwnd,
cvcn DchmcI and hs djagloni gleia klirrla, 6 t aII gocs Irom onc
ycartoanothcrnto a ncwsgnsystcmandchangcstsmcanng.
Ths crtc has actcd as a stcward oI sgns and thc gvcr or thc
takcroImcanng. Onc hasto Icthm do ashcIkcs.
Asthc cascmaybc.A.snotaskcdataIIwhcthcrhcconscnts
to a proccdurc or not. Hs dcIbcratons, thc thought scqucnccs
oIanagngpcrson,brcakapartonathrcshoIdoIthnkngwhcrc
hc must rccognzcthathchmscIIcan never be right in opposition to
that sharp critic, cvcnI thc Iattcrs not aIways thoroughIy rght
about cvcrythng. Thats bccauscIorA.thcrcs a spccaI ncxtn-
gushabIc statc oIaIIars rcgardng outmodcdphcnomcna. thcsc
phcnomcna arc sgns wthn hs ndvduaI sgn systcm. Thcr
rcIcrcntaIInksarc tcdnotonIyto ntcrsubjcctvcIy hxabIc rcI-
crcnccponts-thus comcIy" docsnotcxcIusvcIybcIong tothc
grIspIayng Sndngs RustIc oI Sprng" orto thc cssays n thc
Neue Rundschau at that tmc-but to dchntc, hghIy pcrsonaI
crcumstanccs, toapartmcnts, strccts, ctcshcIvcdnwhcnhc
rcad oI comcIncss and djagloni, grIs hc Iovcd, oI coursc, but
much morc trIIng thngs as wcII. suts hc worc, caIcs hc Irc-
qucntcd. !t s smpIy mpossbIc Ior hm-or anyonc cIsc-to
brcak out oI thc ndvduaI systcm whosc vtaI aroma hc has
draggcd wth hm through thc ycars. A. suddcnIy has somc
undcrstandngIorthc Iormcravant-gardstErncstAnscrmctwho
wrotc a totaIIy rcactonarybook aganst scraI musc. Hc grasps
thc humIatng sccnc hc wtncsscd, whcrc thc Iormcr rcbcI,
OskarKokoschka, nowgrown oId, pourcd Iorth vcrtabIc cnor-
mtcs about modcrn pantng. !t s no morc possbIc Ior hm,
muchyoungcrthanKokoschka andAnscrmct, to gctawayIrom
comcIncss, ". c. , to arrangc ths comcIncss" n a ncw cIass oI
sgnsbccausc, as sgns oIhs ndvduaI systcm, thcy stII havc
grown nto hs pcrson-than Ior thc grcat conductor and thc
pantcrtobcIcvc thatthcrvanguardoI 1910 hadnot conqucrcd
thc IastmpassabIc tcrran.
!ts truc, hc canIcarnncwsgns, hc tcIIshmscII, Ihcmakcs
thc cIIort, and hc can thcn gct a gcncraI dca oI todays sgn
systcms, cvcn I not aII oI thcm. Poctry, Ior cxampIc. hc cant
stoprcadng LIcncron,whomhc hadIovcdatsxtccn, or RIkc,
whom hc rcad somcwhat Iatcr, or Hcym, TrakI, WcrIcI, Ehrcn-
stcn,whoIoIIowcdthcmandbccamccIcmcnts oIhs ndvduaI
90 I ON A GING
systcm. Evcrythnggocs onandwII contnucgongon. Butthcrc
nIront oIhmsa pocm. hnthcbcgnnngwasthcword hand
thcwordwaswth / godhandgodwas thc wordhandthc word
hs bccomc IIcsh / hand has dwcIIcd hamong hus . . . " whch
aItcr a Icw bcwIdcrng varants thcn cnds wth thc Incs . . .
shn shc shcgnnng shas thc word hand shc word / shas shth
shod shand IIod was thc word shand / shc Iord shs shccomc
shIcsh shand / shas shwcIIcdshamongshus. " AIIrght. !ts not
wckcd, noratrocous, t saIsonotataIIsoncw-IangIcdthatonc
hoIds oncs hcadn bIarng pcrpIcxty. OnA. sIacc thcrc arc no
pctty bourgcos snccrs, norcxprcssons oIconscrvatvc ndgna-
ton. Hcrc andthcrc hc has rcadthcorctcaIwrtngs thatmadc
thc syntax oIsuchsgns atIcasthaII-way cIcartohm. Hc s IuII
oIhonorabIccIIort. But thcIaboroIIovc snvanandhccannot
gct hmscII to Ikc t-ah, whcrc has djag/oni gonc?-away wth
shamongshus. "AndaIIatoncc thc uncannyIactsIIumnatcd
tohmthatIorthcagng, notonIythcrbody-whchtransIorms
tscII Irom somcthng carrcd nto somcthng wcghng thcm
down, a Ioad-but cvcnthcrcuIturc, Ikc annsuIhccnt hcart,
a scnstvc stomach, a wcak]aw, bccomcstoIandtroubIc.
!ts cxtrcmcIy dstrcssng whcn ncwsgns andsystcms havc
tobc Icarncd cvcryday. Bctwccn 1 945 and 1 948, t was not so
vcrycasyto dccphcr thc ntcIIcctuaI map oIFrcnchcxstcntaI-
sm. No sooncr was A. surc oI ts nIormaton than hc had to
hcar that ts topo wcrc no Iongcr rccognzcd, that ncwbordcr
Incswcrcbcng drawn. Lacan, FoucauIt, AIthusscrwcrcbusyn-
vcntng sgn systcms and cnactng codccs, whch A. had to
dccIarchmscIIncapabIc oItransIatngntoSartrc-sgns. !t s a
grcat drudgcry Ior somconc who spcaks thc Ianguagc oIProust
toIcarnancwthatoILcCIczo. !Ihc trcs tomakcthccIIortand
dccdcson thc studyoIacsthctcwrtngs, hcIIprobabIymorc or
lcss managc wth shc Iord shs shIcsh. "Thcn, whcn hcsccsthat
sort oIthng, hc'Ilrasc hs hat wth a IccIng oI dcjcctcd rcspcct
andthc conscousncssoIhs ownoutmodcdncss. ButtsbcttcrI
t's scttIcd whcn hc docsn't scc t. Lkc thc mountanhc can no
Iongcr clmb and whch s thcrcIorc thc ncgaton oIhs pcrson,
thcsgnIanguagcoImodcrncuIturcprcscntstscIItohmasthc
dcnaIoIhscgo.hccanthcnccrtanIysaytohmscIIthatthc nay-
saycrs arc rght about hm just as thc Romantcsts wcrc rghI
rght n thc coursc oI tmc about thc dscontcntcd oId Cocthc,
buthccannotcnjoythc dcstructon oIhs ndvduaItythatruns
paraIlcltothc dcmoItonoIhs sgn systcm. Hc hastorcpudatc
what thcpassagc oItmc-whcthcr caIlcd progrcss ornot s not
thcssuc-has dsposcd oI pushcdnto thc gravc. Hc docsntIccI
Ikc comng tothc happywakc.
Andjustashs comradc nagng scts asdc hcr photo album,
closcs hcr cycs, ands abIc to scc nthc proccss oI rcmcmbcrng
thc dcccascdsgns oIIashonIunctonng attractvcIyagannthc
cntrc sgn systcm oI ycstcrday, A. rcctcs tohmscIIthc Incs oI
DchmcI no onc wants to hcar anymorc. And wth a bad con-
sccncc to boot, bccausc hcknowsthatts noIongcrpossbIc to
makcmuchoIdjagloni. !naddton, hchasthcsomcwhatsorrow-
IuIIccIngthathcsactngIkc thc oldIooIwho hums wthdcwy
cycsthc ht songs oIhs youth.
ThccuIturaIcxstcnccoIhumanbcngssaIormoIthcrsocaI
cxstcncc. What applcs to thcr cxtcndcd socaI bcng consc-
qucntlyhasthcIorcc oIIawIoraIIpossbltcs oIcuIturc aswcII.
At a ccrtan momcnt-or bcttcr, an unccrtan onc-appcarng
Iromcasctocascaccordngtoapcrson'spartcuIarrcIatonshps,
cach canonIybccomc whathcorshc aIrcady s. Thc chanccs oI
transccndng oncscIIcuIturaIIyarc Iongovcrwth. Thc quantty
oI Iormatvc cIcmcnts aIrcady accumuIatcd and dchnng con-
92 I ON A GI NG
scousncssss oIargc thatttakcs onthc quaIty oImmobIty.
Just asthcbodynagngaIways bccomcs morcandmorc mass
andIcssandIcsscncrgy,thcsprt,hcrcundcrstoodascuIturaIrc-
ccptor,bchavcsIkcwsc, bccomngpondcrousandhcavy,wth
tscII and wth tmc, so that n ts ncrcasng sIuggshncss t no
IongcrsncIncdtostrwhcnncwsgnschaIIcngct.
At whatagc docsthsadvcrstybcIaII a humanbcng? !st a
dcstny oI cvcryonc? Arc thcrc not pcrhaps pcopIc whosc
systcms,assumcdorcvcncrcatcdmostIynthcryouth oratthc
IatcstnthcrmddIc ycars, arcsoin advance oItcmporarIyvaId
systcms that n agng and n oId agc thcy havc n partcuIar
crcumstanccs thc trcmcndous grathcatonoIwatchngthcspcc-
tacIc oIthc sprt oIthc agc"IazIycrawIng aItcr thcmuntIaII
atoncc thc cuIturaImajortyrathcd thcr systcm, mcanngthat
Ior thcmthcwhoIcprobIcmhas notcxstcdataII? !nanswcrto
thc hrstqucston, probabIy no onc cansuppIyanynIormaton.
CuIturaI agng, thc dccInc oIthc powcr oIrcccptvty and thc
wIItorcccvc,thcwcarncssandrcsgnatonnthcIaccoIthcdc-
mands oI cvcry ncw day-thcy arc just as ndvduaI as thc
physoIogcaI agng proccss. Pcrhaps thc agc oI hIty marks thc
pontwhcrconcturnsthc corncr, butthatsonIya vaguc cst-
matc, Ior rcIabIc statstcaImatcraIsnotavaIabIc.Howcvcr, thc
sccond qucstoncanbc answcrcd, cvcn rght away. !ts truc, no
onc can say, l am ahcad oI my tmc. " No onc knows whats
avant-gardc, onIywhatwas avant-gardc can bc dctcrmncd. Yct
manycrcatvc ndvduaIs havc bccnbothsatshcdand soothcd
nbcngabIc tosaythcyhavcIcItthcrtmcbchndthcm. As an
agng oId man, ArnoId Schocnbcrg cxpcrcnccdthatthc systcm
crucaIIorhm, twcIvc-toncmusc, bccamc thcdomnatngonc.
MostoIthcgrcatpantcrssnccmprcssonsm, whoscpctoraI
ordcrngstructurcandIawswcrcrcvIcdwhcnthcywcrcyoung,
cxpcrcnccdthc trumph oIthcscsystcms. That docs not cxcIudc,
hrst, that n ccrtan crcumstanccs durng thcr IIctmc thcr
tcmporarIyvctorousccntraIsystcmswcrc ovcrtakcnandsupcr-
scdcd by othcrs and, sccond, that n thc sphcrc oI scparatc
systcmsthcymghthavcIcItnthcrmddIcycarsaIrcadycuItur-
aIIy agcd. Agrcat muscan, constantIy n advancc oI hs muscaI
cra, canaIsobcmcntaIIy ndoIcnt andbchnd thc tmcs withrc-
spcct to thc art oI cncmatography. A poct who crcatcs a ncw
sgnsystcmcansmuItancousIyhavcarch-conscrvatvctastcsn
thc hnc arts. Thc dIhcuIty oI thcorctcaIIy capturng cuIturaI
agng, thc cuIturaI aIcnaton oI agng, and thc dcnaI oI thc
worId by not undcrstandng thc worId, cvcn n onIy partaIIy
vaIid propostons, s conncctcd wth thc mutabIty andncom-
prchcnsbIty oI what has bccn caIIcd hcrc a systcm. Thc
prcvaIngsupcrsystcm-whch wc canaIsotaIkaboutnanoIdcr
Ingustc custom as thc sprt oIthc agc orthc sprt oIthc cra-
docs t havc to bc takcn back as a conccpt? No and ycs. No.
bccausc qutc obvousIy such a systcm cxsts as Iong as onc at
Icastwatchcs thc ntcIIcctuaI contours oIanagc Irom a ccrtan
dstancc andwtha supcrhcaItysuIhccntto oncsdaIycuIturaI
IIc. !I wc acccpt thc prcscnt as ths ycar oI 1 968, whcn thcsc
wordsarcbcngwrttcndown, thcna numbcroIrcIcrcncc ponts
wll bcrccognzcdwithIncs conncctcd tothc outInc oIthc sprit
oIthc cra.Ncw Crtcsm, ncw cncma, cxpcrmcntaI poctry, thc-
atcroIthcabsurd,popart, happcnngs, andwhatcvcrmayIIash
nto oncs mndwth a suddcn IIarc or Ikc a sIogan-twIIaII
appcar as a Gestalt, as a unt hcId togcthcr by somcthng morc
thana Icw datcs oIthcycar, no mattcrhow contradctory such
sngIcphcnomcnamayappcarto othcrs. NcvcrthcIcss, thc con-
ccptoIthcsupcrsystcmmustbcwthdrawnwhcnthcIooksno
Iongcr aIIcctngonc, Iorthcnthc IactuaIstuatonsIosc cvcry-
94 I ON A GING
thng that makcs thcm a totaIty. Thc sprt oI thc agc or thc
supcrsystcm bccomcs a numbcr oI snglc systcms, a quantty
wthoutgcstaIt.Thcncvcnthc conccptoIculturalsmultanctys
no uscto anyonc, Iornthc cndt rcally rcduccs tsclI to thcab-
stractIactoI mcrc chronology. A socctyoIthcIrcnds oIAndrc
Cdc carrcs out ts ntcllcctual socal gamc wthn Cdcs sgn
systcmanddocsnotconccrntsclIwth thc avantgardcgroupoI
young authors who crclc around thc pcrodcal Tel quel. Thc
AnglO-Saxon ncopostvsts kccp constructngndcIatgablythc
artculatonoIthcrorganzngprncplcs anddo nottakccogn-
zanccoIthcIactthatthcrc arcmovcmcntslkcNcomarxsmand
structuralsm. Forthc IrcndsoIconcrctcmuscthc twclvc-tonc
systcm has alrcady bccn dscardcd. Scral composcrs mantan
thatconcrctcmuscshcadngIora dcadcnd.
ThccontradctoryIactthatthcrcsaprcvalngsupcrsystcm-
rcgardlcss oI whcthcr t cxsts only Ior thc conscrvatvc who
rcj ccts abstract and ncorcalstc pantng, scral and concrctc
musc, ncopostvc and structuralstc analyscs, amalgamatng
thcmall togcthcrasncwIanglcdhumbug-thcIactthcrcIorc that
suchathngasthcsprtoI thc agcbothcxsts anddocsnot cxst
can at hrst sccm trval: to bc surc, thcrc s also thc Iorcst and
thcrc arc varous rcgons oIthsIorcstandhnallythc ndvdual
trccs. Stll, n our contcxt oI socal agng, ths n tsclI banal
contradcton, whch canbc rcsolvcdbytakngthcsupcrsystcm,
nIrasystcm, and cvcntually ndvdual phcnomcna as possblc
hypothcscsindcscribng rcalty, bccomcsancxstcntalproblcm
wcllbcyondthc catcgorcs oIthctrvaland rclcvant. Culturally
agng human bcngs hnd thcmsclvcs, n any casc, n a Iorcgn,
cngmatcworld cvcnwhcnthcyarc Ircc oI conscrvatvc arro-
gancc, thatIant-hcartcdncss oIthoscwhovcgoncto thc dogs.
!t s Ior cach oI thcm oI lttlc conscqucncc that thc prcvalng
supcrsystcm, whatcvcr t may bc, s composcd oI a compIcx oI
partIydIIcrcntanddvcrgngnIrasystcms, thatthcrc s ntruth
nocuIturaIsmuItancty, thataII systcmsaIsocontancIcmcntsoI
oncs own systcms, that possbIy ona day comng aItcr onc has
gonc, componcnts oI oncs systcmswIImagnhccntIyrsc agan
n modhcd Iorm. What conccrns thc cuIturaIIy agng and what
strkcs to thcr corc s thc dcnaI that thc cpoch gvng brth to
tscIIhoIdsupaganstthcrndvduaIsystcmcvcryday. Andths
rcvocaton that thcy rcad out oI cvcry ncwspapcr artcIc, hnd
conhrmcdncvcrycxhbtonoImodcrnart,thats mpIctIycx-
prcsscd n most oI thc ncw books that appcar n thc book
markct-t makcstscIIknownn ourdays n an cspccaIIy nju-
rous Iorm.
Thc dcnstyoIthc amount oInIormatonavaIabIc rcqurcs
thatcvcryncwsgn systcm, oncc t has barcIy comcntobcng,
takcthcIbcrtyoIaddrcssngabroadpubIcnradcaIabbrcvaton
sothattmaydcmocratzctscIInapcrvcrscwaybycuttngtscII
downto sIogan untsandthcrcbypcnctratngntothcmostnsg-
nhcant convcrsatons. No mattcr how hard thcy may try, thc
cuIturaIIyagngwIIncvcrsuccccdn bcngn."ForcxampIc, onc
oIthcmhasjustrcad, notwthouta goodwIIthathcsucccssIuIIy
andwthconsdcrabIczcaIwrcnchcdIrom hs rcIuctancc,abook
by thcphIIosophcroIpopuIarcuIturc,MarshaIIMcLuhan,andhas
trcdto IormuIatc a Icw thoughts aboutt Ior hmscII, whcnhc
hcars a sccondary-schooI tcachcr ncxt to hm sayng, Thc
mcdumsthcmcssagc. "NotonIyshsndvduaIsgnsystcmn-
vaIdatcdbythatrcmark,buthscIIortandhsgoodwIIarcmadc
rdcuIous. !t s no comIort to hm that thc sccondary tcachcr,
havngpckcdupthcsIogansomcwhcrcnanartcIcnapopuIar
magazinc,hasIctthsthoughtIcsscud-chcwngdmnshthcvaIuc
oIthsIashonabIcphIosophyandthcrcbyapparcntIyconhrmcd
96 I ON A GI NG
hs own poor asscssmcnt oI ths scrcs oI thoughts. On thc
contrary. Our agng pcrson has to st back and watch as thc
proccsscsoIIormaton,popuIarzaton,anddcvaIuatonroIIoIIat
anncrcasngIyrapdtcmpo.ThatdscouragcshmthoroughIy,not
onIybccausctcxpIanstohmnthcmostradcaIwaythcIutIty
oIthctrcsomcworkhcputntoIcarnngaboutthssub]cct,but
bccauschcs rcaIzngthatbctwccn thc dynamc supcrsystcm,
mpossbIc to ovcrtakc and cvcry hour dspIayng dIIcrcnt
Icaturcs-c. , thcsprtoIthcagc-andhsndvduaIsystcm,dc-
vcIopcdovcrdccadcsIrombasccIcmcnts,cvcngrcatcrnumbcrs
oIsystcmsarcnscrtngthcmscIvcs,aIIwththccIIcctthathsown
systcmconstantIymovcsIurthcrawayuntIhcscarccIyrccognzcs
tanymorc.orhmthcIogcaIqucstonwhcthcrthcacccIcraton
shouIdbc caIIcdprogrcsssnotcvcnundcrdscusson. Sncc hc
docsntwthdrawtothcdchntcIyunassaIabIcbuthopcIcsspos-
ton oIthc ntransgcnt conscrvatvc IorwhomcuIturaIcvcnts
onccandIoraIIIoundthcrcImaxandcndpontnhsndvduaI
systcmwthcvcrythngcomngaItcronIydcIusonandIooIspIay,
hchastorccognzcthcacccIcratonasanauthcntcphcnomcnon,
unIcsshcwants tobca stupdIyproud nay-saycrIromanothcr
worId.HccvcnhastoncorporatcwhathctrcstocaIIIashonand
snobbsmntothcauthcntctyoIthcacccIcratonandcvcntuaIIy
consdcrthcMcLuhantcsccondarytcachcr,whomhcwasrcady
todsmsscvcnycstcrdayasagabbyupstart, tobcanawakcncd
youngman.NothngncwwIIsccmtohmasbzarrcorasnsg-
nhcantasthc Iactthatthc youngman docs notcvcngvchm
crcdtIorhs consdcratonandwonthavctoacccpttwthrc-
spcct.AndwthcvcryncwconccssonmadctothcsprtoIthcagc
apcccoIhsworIdIaIIsnrunsIkcthcstIIgcncraIIysoIdHotels
de Maitre onthcbouIcvardthatarcbcngpuIIcddownn ordcrto
crcctnthcrpIaccapartmcnthouscswthwaIIsthatarctoothn.
JustasthchIty-ycar-oIdwomanuscsthcncwpattcmstopIacchcr
ordcrswthhcrscamstrcsscvcnthoughdurng thc IatcaItcrnoon
hoursshcprcIcrstocIoschcrcycsandrccxpcrcnccthcjackctand
hatoIthrtyycarsagoasabccomngpcccoIcIothng, thscuItur-
aIIyagingmankccpsstcp.ButthchappcnngsoItodaysuthmno
morcthanthcIashonsoItodaysuthcr.
ThcconscousncssoIbcngoutmodcd, I t docs not rgdIy
ntoadcIcnsvc posturc dcnyngthccpoch, canbccxtraordnarIy
tormcntng, thoroughIy comparabIc to a pcrsstcntbodIy pan.
Thc strctch oI tmc n whch wc movc s unknd to thc agng
pcrson, apparcntIy morcunkndthanany past oncwas. Thc cs-
scnta| parts oI cvcry cuIturaI ndvduaI systcm arc Iormcd n
oncsyouth, ductothcstatstcaIcurvc oIvtaItyandscnsbIty.
lIthcndvduaI systcms now ovcrpowcrcdby a supcrsystcm,
constantIyrcncwngtscIIwthnccssantIydynamccncrgy,and
IthcsupcrsystcmmakcstsappcaranccwthaIIthcostcntaton
conIcrrcdbythcrcsourccsoImodcmnIormaton,thcnthcagng,
smothcrcdbyacontcmporarycuIturc dchncdasburdcn, suIIcra
IossoIcgoandworIdncvcrtobcrcpIaccdbyanythngorthrough
anymcans.ThcIactthatthc rcspcctvc prcvaIng supcrsystcms,
IIowngovcrntocachothcr, IctthoscstructuraIarrangcmcntsoI
ordcrsubsst, cvcnwhcncaIIcdnancducatonaI scnsc hstor-
caI" . c. , whcn thcy arc sanctoncd and carrcd on as tradton
through cducaton, docs not makc thc stuaton mcanngIuI.
Thatsbccausc, whatcvcr thc handcd- down and assumcd cdu-
catonaI vaIucs arc, thcy usuaIIy havc a vcry sIght mcanng
wthnndvduaI systcms, rcgardIcss oIwhcthcrthc ndvduaI
conccrncdhasahstorcaIcducatonaIproIcssonorsaIanguagc
proIcssor, a tcachcr oI hstory, anart hstoran, or thc Ikc. For
thosc who havc not spccaIzcd n oIdcr cducatonaI compIcxcs
andproIcssonaIIyconccntratcdcuIturaImattcrs, thcndvduaI
98 I ON A GING
systcmsdchncdthroughsgnsthatnthcryouthandpossbIyon
ntothcycarsoIthcprmcoIIIchavcbccnvaIdasmodcrn.Thc
ndvduaIsystcmoIahIty-ycar-oIdcducatcdpcrsontodaysnot
spcchcaIIymprcgnatcdbyHomcrbutbyKaIka,notbyKantbut
byHusscrI,byNoIdcrathcrthanbyTntorctto.Evcrysupcrsystcm
ntcgratcsmorcorIcsshappIythchstorcaIsystcms. Evcry onc
dcstroys thosc oI ycstcrdayand thc tmc bcIorc ycstcrday and
thcrcIorcprccscIythosctowhchthcndvduaIsystcmsoIagng
pcrsonshadycIdcdthcmscIvcsncountIcssvarctcs.
A. ,aItcrhavngrcadhmscIIwcarywthanumbcroImodcrn
artcIcsIrompcrodcaIsoIphIosophcaI,socoIogcaI,andmcta-
Ingustccontcnts,stakngarcstIromthccIIort. Hcthcntakcs
scvcraIvoIumcsoIanoIdcrprovcnanccIromhsbookshcIItopuII
hmscIItogcthcrandtohndhmscIIonccagannthcm.HcsIams
thcbooksshutagan,thcyarcnomatchIorthcapparcntIynsd-
ousIy cIcvcr cssays hc has workcd through n dcspcratc
dctcrmnatonandIurnshcdwthmargnaInotcshcknowsarc
outspokcn. NomorcthanhccouIdtakcaproudIybcautIuIgrI-
Ircnd away Irom a twcnty-hvc-ycar-oId young man, no morc
thanhccouIdsuccccdnovcrtakngamanoIthrtyycarsnskng,
nomattcrhowccrtanhcmayhavconccstoodonhssks,canhc
trumphnowovcrPhIppcSoIIcrsbyrcadngJuIcnGrccnagan.
!t's ovcr, hc has to tcII hmscII, ts ovcr and wII ncvcr rcturn
agan.thcday!opcncdAdrienne Mesurat andtookIromthsbook
thcIastwordoImodcrnnovcIwrtng.GoncIorcvcr,thcmomcnt
nwhch!myscIIwrotcthattsnoIongcrpossbIc, aItcrthccx-
pcrmcntoI Uysses, toconccvcanothcrnovcI.Foraroundthrty
ycars, ! havc IvcdanntcIIcctuaIIyconscousIIc, andtoday,I!
dontwanttoactIkcmyscvcnty-ycar-oIdIrcndwho, rcgardIcss
oI whcthcr thc opportunty s appropratc or not, puIIs out a
voIumc oIHIdcrInandsays, " That's what!rcadandtscnough
Iormcl"-today,!havctoconIcsstomyscIIthatIorthrtyycars!
havconIycxchangcdonccrrorIoranothcr. ThcscII-cvdcnttruth
thatcvcrythngpasscsawaybccauscsomcthng ncwaIwaysap
pcarsonthchorzon, thcvcryoIdwsdom thatonccannotstcp
ntothcsamcrvcrtwcc,sobvousonIyIoncrsksthcmpossbIc
vcnturc oI stcppng out oI thc spacc oI whats bccnIvcd. !nto
what?ntoaworIdwthoutsgnsandsystcms,ancmptyworId,an
ant-unvcrsc. Thcn ! pcrhaps can say to myscII that t wasnt
crrorsthatIoIIowcdcachothcrnthcscrcsoIycarswhcn!sctup
my cosmos, my systcm, Irom DchmcIand RIkc and Bcnn and
CrccnandProustandJoycc,butjuststagcs.AndwthmyprocIa-
matonoIthccndoIthcartoIthcnovcInthcpost-Joycccra!was
just asrghtas SoIIcrs andhs Ircndsarcrght todaywththcr
novcIs, and!wIIbcjustaswrongasthcytomorrow. Stagcs. oI
what?OIa dcvcIopmcnt. WhchstoIcadwhcrc? Whocvcrdocs
notknowananswcrtothatqucstoncannotIcgtmatcIyspcakoI
stagcs and maythcrcIorc onIy cnumcratc cvcnts. ! scnsc that !
wanttogvcncthcrtoatcmptatonthatsjustasdangcrousasa
dcIcnsIvcparaIyss, noppostonto tmc, ortots oppostc, thc
rash,mpIorngacccptanccoIcvcrythngthcdaybrngsmc. !IccI
that! want to vcwmy scrcs oI crrors sub specie aeternitas aIong
wththccntrchstoryoIdcasknowntomc,whchsnobcttcror
worscthannotvcwngataII. EtcrntyIooksIkcthcNorthScaon
caImbutmstydayswhcnthcscaandthcdmskybIcndntocach
othcrwthoutahorzon.What!rcIatctothcsgnIcssctcrnty,gray
Ikcthc sca,!rcIatctonothng, andwhatsrcIatcdto nothng s
tscIIannhIatcdnthc act oIths not rcIatng.VcwngcuIturaI
cvcntsIromthcpontoIvcwoIctcrntyhasaccrtansatsIacton
IorthccuIturaIIyagng,butsaIsothcsaddcstoIaIIscII-dcccptons.
Thc truth s, A. says to hmscII, not wthout a sIght IccIng oI
1 00 I ON A GING
dzzncss, thatonccannotrcasonabIystandagansttmcandnot
bcpcrmttcdto chasc aItcrt, that onc aIso docs not havc thc
aItcrnatvcoIrcmovngoncscIIIromthcIIowoItmcandhoIdng
toanctcrnaIsomcthngthatsanothng.Shadshamongshus" as
wcIIasdjag/oni andCryphus'andCodknowswhatcIsc. Oncsys
tcmIkcanyothcr,worthjustasmuchandjustasIttIc.whocvcr
saysthscanjustascasIybcsIcnt.
! may try tohnd comIort by whspcrng to myscIIhowany-
thng that now sccms to IaII to thc dcstructon oI tmc s stII
prcscrvcdbyjustthssamc tmc.WhatwasIuIhIIngandhcIdmc
togcthcrIoraIcwdccadcs, IromDchmcItoBcnn,IromHcssc to
Proust, Irom Cczannc to Francs Bacon, IuIhIIcdthc dcmand oI
thoscdaysbcIongngtomcandwasstIIpuIIcdonby thcwhccI
oItmc, cvcnastwasbcngrunovcr. nothngs cvcrcompIctcIy
Iost. ComIort, a pIay oIthc mnd. Thc noton oIprcscrvaton n
dcstructons a constructonoIthcphIosophyoIhstorywthout
any sgnhcancc nthc hcId oIthc cxstcntaI. To Icrrct out thc
passagcswhcrc traccs oIProust runthrough thc workoINatha-
Ic Sarrautc s an occupatonIor Itcraryhstorans. My Proust,
whom! rcadIorthchrsttmcn a dchntctmcspan,na spacc
conncctcdonIyIormcwththsauthor, cncIoscdn a Iragrancc
oIbcng onIy stII to bc rouscd by my own mcmory! cannot
hnd t agannthcbooks oIMadamc Sarrautc. As a part oImy
cxstcncc t has bccn ovcrtakcn and IcIt bchnd bythswrtcr.
WhatrcmansIormctodo?!cantrytocatchupwthmyscIIby
takingup Sarrautc andwiththat invoIvcmcnt brcakthcpacto!
IIc! oncc madc wth Proust. ! canaccompIsh thc samcbaIng-
out opcratonbyrcvokng my cuIturaI contract-whch s aIsoa
tc tomyscII-wth myovcrtakcnIrcndsXY Z. !dstanccmyscII
IromFranosMaurac, whosc hr-trcc Iandscapcsand toqdwnc
patrcans bcIong to mc, n hopcs oI gcttng to hs son CIaudc.
1 01 I Not To Understand the World Anymore
But ! wII not arrvc at thc appontcdpIacc. CIaudc Mauracbc-
Iongs to a cIub that wII not acccpt mc. Hc s or wants to bc a
wrtcr oI tomorrow, thus hc bcIongs to thosc who wII stII bc
thcrc tomorrow, Ikc thc musc-mathcmatcan !anns Xcnaks,
who composcswththnkngmachncs.Buttomorrow-thatcan
mcan. n tcn mnutcs, n a ycar, n tcn ycars, ccrtanIy at thc
Iatcstnonc anda haIIdccadcs-!wII noIongcrbcthcrc.!tdocs
notmakc any scnsc Ior mc tobrcakthc Icttcrs that chan mc to
thc oId Maurac. Thc Irccdom Irom hm that ! wouId thcrcby
gan sn't good Ioranythng. To rcman chancds a dsgraccIuI
rcsgnaton. Tojumpnto thc no IongcrnhabtabIc cmptyspacc
oI a Irccdom that s canccIng tscII outs onIy an act oIpanc.
And noIongcrtoIccIchansas chans andIrccdomasIrccdom,
tocstabIshoncscIInthcmstoIaNorth Scactcrnty,whcrcthc
Iormcrarc nothng spccaIandthc IattcrcannoIongcrbccxpcr-
cnccd--whatthcn?
WcII, tscIcar. dcath. CuIturaIagng,Iorwhchthcrcsmorc
oIarcmcdythanIorphyscaIdccay,brngstotaIIybadtdngs,thc
annuncatonoIthc cnd. EvcrywthcrngawayoIa cuIturaIsgn
systcms dcath or thc symboIoIdcath. Thc mpcratvcto dc s
wtncsscdbythc agng. But rghtaItcrtanmpcratvc tobccomc
cmcrgcs, compIctcIy wthout thcm. CIoomy gucsts onthc dark
carth,' thcy hcar thc hooI bcat, hcar thc trot. And as thcy hx
thcmscIvcstoIIc, thcysczcndccpcsthorrorthcpast, IorIctcd,
uscd-upsystcmsthatoncc wcrc thcrIIc andthcrcIorcstIIarc.
ExccptthatthsIIc, cncompassngthccontradctonoIhumancx-
stcncc,surroundcdbydcath,drcctcdontowarddcathandonIy
rcccvngts scnsc Irom dcath, has thc opprcssvcIyparadoxcaI
charactcrstcoIbcngdcad.ThcIIcoIthc agng,whchwchavc
caIIcdmcmoryInkcdtotmcnanothcrpIaccandhavc sctovcr
aganstthcyoungcxstcncc,whchpromscsworIdandspacc, s,
1 02 I ON A GI NG
a s IarastscuIturaIbcnchtsarcconccrncd,nothngmorcthana
cadavcr. ComcIyHcssc, DchmcIsnginghsdrinkingsongs, doubt-
pIagucdFranosMaurac, whIc oncagngpcrsonstIIthnkshc
iscrcatngIromthcmthccncrgcsoIhscxstcncc,thcyhavcaI-
rcadybccnandarcnastatcoIputrcIacton.
Thc dgntyoIcuIturaI agng, cntrcIyIkc that oIthc socaI
agngnwhchtscmbcddcd,cannturnonIyrcaIzctscIInthc
nconsstcntrcvoItoIhghtngoutacontradcton.Thcncwsystcms
cxst.Thcagngmustbcrcadytodccphcrthcmcvcryday,wth-
outhopc,ontothccnd.Thcycannotabandonthcrdccomposng
arrangcmcnts oI ordcr I thcy arc not to abandon thcr cgos,
knowingthcsnstcrnccrophIaoIthcrntcIIcctuaIbchavor,thcy
havc toprcscrvca worthIcss hdcItyto thosc cgos.Thatmcans.
cvcnhcrc, n a hopcIcssvcnturc oI scII-transccndcncc, havng
bothtoacccptandtorcIuscthcrannhIaton.
Thcydo notundcrstandthcworIdanymorc;thcworIdthcy
undcrstandnoIongcrcxsts.ThccompuIsontoundcrstandwhat
cannotbc undcrstood Icavcs thcmIttIcmorc than conhncmcnt
tothc past. Thcyarc nothcrocs, justwhocvcrthcy maybc.just
ashcrocascvcrywhocvcr" thatagcsandwII dc.
To Live with Dying
!IIncsscsmakcthcrappcarancc.Thc Iacc oIthc IamIydoctoras-
sumcsnowandthcnthcIcaturcs oIproIcssonaIworry, rchncd
bycIncaI optmsm. Companonsbornwhcnyou wcrcbornpass
away. Statstcs promsc hItccn morc ycars. Thc agng thnk oI
dcath.Thcythnkaboutthrstasanobjcctvc cvcnt, nthc catc-
gorcs oI survvors. Thcywsh cvcrythng to comc to passwtha
good cndng. ThcIamIy,justnsoIar as ts possbIc, stobcpro-
vdcd Ior, thc buraI s to takc pIacc n ths or that Iorm,
conscqucntIya IastwII s put down nwrtng. Oncc thcsc con-
dtons oI ordcr, rcqurcd by convcnton and survvors, arc
cstabIshcd, thosc aIIIctcdwth agng comc tothcmscIvcs.
Thcy arc conccrncd that thcy wont bc hcrc n an aII-too-
IorcsccabIctmc (thcIasttwodccadcswcntbyna Irantchurry
IorsomconcIookngbackatthcml ) , andthcyIccIurgcdtomcd-
tatons ondcath.Rghtaway, thcywIIganthccxpcrcnccthat
suchrcIIcctonwIInotonIyrcsuItnnothng-aItcraII, thcyvc
aIwaysknownthat-butthatt'smpossbIc.AsthcphIosophcr
VIadmrJankcIcvtchhaswrttcnn hsdscomIortngbookLa
1 04 I ON A G ING
Mort, to thnk oI dcath s penser l'impensable, to thnk thc un-
thnkabIc.ThcrcsuttcrIynothngtothnkaboutdcath,gcnus
andsmpIctonarc cquaIIythwartcdnconIrontngthssub] cct.
Dcathsnothng, anothng, a ncgatvty. Thoughtsabouttarc
compromscdtothcmostnhntcsmaIdcgrcc,cvcnI,naccord
wththcIawoIcomprcsson,thcyarcprobabIycxtrcmcIydcnsc.
Butarcthcythoughts?Hardtosay.Foranyoncwhovcnturcsnto
thnkngthcunthnkabIc,wordsatIcastrcman,wccancaIIthcm
thoughts]ustaswcIIasnot.Evcnthcwordsshrnktosomcthng
vcrysmaII.ThnkngoIdcathbccomcsamonotonousandmanc
Itany,undcnabIysmIartoccrtanproductsoImodcrnpoctry. !
wII dc dc wII ! dc ! wII wII ! dc dc ! wII ! wII dc. " Or n
Frcnch. Jcvasmourrmourr]cvas]cvasmou-rr, rrc, rrc,]c
vasmou"-tcanbcstagcdnaIIIanguagcs, nthc samccmpty
way, IornodoubtthcImtsoImyIanguagcarcthcImtsoImy
worId, but thcImtsoImyworIdarc aIso thcImtsoImyIan-
guagc and, n thc Iacc oIthc dcaththats my ant-worId, thc
mpotcnccoImyIanguagcbccomcsapparcnt.
UnpowcrIuI Ianguagc andpowcrIcssthnkngccrtanIydonot
abandon thc agng, not cvcnwhcn thcy dcspsc thc Itany and
am to sct up thc dgnty oI thcr thnkng human cxstcncc
aganstdcath,thatncvtabIc totaIdcIcat.ThcywIIthcnpcrhaps
thnkoIdyngandmorccxactIydyngaway,thc IcaroIwhchs
]usthcd, snccphyscaItormcntsoIvarousdcgrccsarcrcadyIor
us. !nIact,t snotunusuaIto say, !tsnotdcaththat! amaIrad
oI, onIy sckncss and pan. " Who wouId try to contradct such
hastywords?ThctormcntsoIdyng havcbccndcscrbcdmany
hundrcds oI tmcs wth grucsomc urgcncy. Onc can rcad n
Martn du Card'sLa Mort du Nre, Thc crscs oIconvuIsvc urc-
magrcwmorcandmorcIrcqucnt, thcyunIcashcdthcmscIvcs
wth such brutaIty that, aItcr cach onc oI thcsc attacks, thc
105 I To Live with Dying
nurscs hadto st downbrcathIcssandwatch thc suIIcrng oIthc
sck man wthout dong anythng. From onc attack to anothcr
thcrcwasonIyaIonghowIng, unIonghurIcmcnt. . . . " Onccan
hnd somcthng smIar n countIcss othcrpassagcs. Many oI us
havc aIso Iound ourscIvcs prcscnt at dcath struggIcs smIar to
thosc that oId FathcrThbauIt battIcd wth, whcrc wcvc hcId
somconcshandswctwthswcatwhowrthcdaganandagann
vanandwascvcntuaIIy burcd, aIas, thc good souI. !n ordcr not
to dcgcncratc atths pont nto tcdous chattcr, andsnccdoctors
arcaIrcadyIuII oIthcrgcntIc andoptmstc soIctudc, thcagng
who arc n ths stuaton stckto dyng andput thc unthnkabIc,
dcath, out oI mnd. ProvsonaIIy. Whcn thcyrc not too casIy
cxhaustcdandncInngtorcsgnaton, thcywIIbccompcIIcdto
hndthcrwaybacktot.AsthcywIIIcarnIatcr,thsdyngsaIso
living, justas Ivng sa pcrmancntdyng. !knowwhatdcaths,"
saysHoIratBchrcns,spcakngscrousIyIoronccandwthouths
rhctorcaI hgh sprts, tothc mothcr oIthc condcmncd Joachm
Zcmsscnn The Magic Mountain-"I aman oId cmpIoycc oIhs.
BcIcvcmc, hcsovcrratcd.!cantcIIyou, thcrcsaImostnothng
to hm. For whatcvcrknds oIdrudgcryt may takc bcIorchand
nsomc cascs, tsa IrskyandIvcIyaIIarandcanIcadto IIc and
rccovcry. . . . "
!ts ths Irsky and IvcIy aIIar that hrst and Iorcmost kccps
thc agngbusy-so thcythnk at Icast, bcIorc thcy cImbdown
cvcn dccpcrnto thc thoughtoIdcath orthcant-thoughtoIt.
Furthcrmorc, n a way vagucIy comparabIc to conccrns wth
ordcraboutIIc nsurancc andnhcrtancc, ths Irsky and IvcIy
aIIarspartIya physcaI qucston andpartIya socaI onc. Thcrcs
a bg dIIcrcncc bctwccn thc Icar oI dyng oI a hcart attack,
whch atbcstthrowsoncdownna Icwspccdymnutcs,andthc
IcaroIa urcmc crss that, Ikc that oIPcrc ThbauIt, draws on
1 06 I ON A GING
Ior wccks untI hs son, a doctor, no Iongcr abIc to watch hs
IathcrssuIIcrng, gvcs thc njcctonthatdcIvcrs hm. Andt s
not thc samc thng whcthcr a poor dcvI dcs n thc hosptaI,
aIonc, hardIynotccdbyndIIcrcnt nurscs, orarchmanpasscs
onn a Iuxury cInc. thcIIowcrs onhstabIc, thcwcIIhonorcd,
pcrsonaIIytntcdcarcoIthcdoctors, thcvsts oIdcpcndcntsthat
can happcn cvcry hour, may not rcaIIyhcIphm whcn t comcs
to that brcI crossng ovcr, but thcy do makc thosc momcnts
Ightcr that arc Ircc oI tormcnt. And thcn hs good IIc s stII
prcscntnhs dyng, thcIIcthatconstantIydstngushcdhs cx-
stcnccsodrastcaIIyIromthc mscrabIcIIcoIthcpoor. Wchavc
tosaytaganandagan. !Iwc arc aII cquaIbcIorc dcath-whch
hardIy mcans anythngor, onthc othcrhand, whch onIypushcs
thc cIam oIcquaItybackntothcoutragcousnoncommtmcnt
oImctaphyscs-thcn wc arc stII not cquaIbcIorc dyng. !t s
cascr to cry wth moncy, " says an Eastcrn Europcan Jcwsh
dctum. !t s aIsomorc comIortabIc to dc wth moncy, thsand
onIythsoughttobcthcmcanng oIRIkcsprccousdcmandoI
Cod.hcdIkctogvc cvcryonchsorhcrowndcath. Oncsown
or ndvduaI dcath can bc purchascd wth moncy, j ust as onc
canpurchascapcrsonaIIIcscparatcdIromthc surgng masscs.
And thc socaI qucston oI dyng s just as unrcsoIvcd as thc
naturc oIaIIsocaIprobIcms, cvcnthoughthcrcarcthoscwth
thcr own ntcrcstwho shamcIcssIymakctappcartobcaIrcady
scttIcd. Dcath, whcrc s thy stng? Thc poor gvc a vcry prccsc
answcr. n thc homcIorthcagng, n thc hosptaI, n thcbadIy
hcatcdapartmcntwhcrc thcmortaIIyIIhavc todragthcmscIvcs
through thccorrdortothc toIct.
OnccannomorchdcandcvcntuaIIyconjurcawaythcthcmc
oIsocaIdyngbchndontoIogcaIconsdcratonsthanthcqucston
about thc morc or Icss vchcmcntbodIysuIIcrng, thc tormcnt,
1 07 To Live with Dying
thatprcccdcsdcath.Ycton thc othcrhand, t smpossbIc Ior us
asthnknghumanbcngstoamourcxpIoratonsatdeath bcyond
thc rcaItcs oIdyng wthoutbcngIuIIyconscousthatourvcn-
turc cannotbcIuIhIIcd, and wc must makc thcsc cxpIoratons
wth strct dscpInc, avodng thc Itany oI an idee fe. Yctwc
aIways gct caughtnthc nconsstcnccs that, onthc onc hand,
kccpdcathanddyngscparatc,andonthcothcr, dcnythcmagan
and agan na contradctoryway, dcaths cmpty wthoutdyng,
butthcIattcr, too, hasnocontcntswthoutcmpty dcath.Thcgap
that scparatcs thc vtaIty oI dyng Irom thc totaI bIcakncss oI
dcathwIIopcn up hrst-andt s morc than a pIattudc that a
mortaIIyIIpcrson, groanng npan, ssomcthngdIIcrcnt Irom
asIcntcadavcr. ButaIrcadyhcrc-andwththswcrccognzcthc
shady ncxpIcabIc rcIatonshpoI dcath and dyng-tbccomcs
apparcntthatdyng ( not n thc scnsc oI thc aImost-nothng oI
crossngthc thrcshoId, but rathcr asdyngaway, graspcdnts
tcmporaIstructurc)saIogcaIIydscussabIcconccpt.CcrtanIyonc
can spcakoIdyngwthout stcppngbcyondthc hcId oIcvcryday
cmprcsm. AntoncThbauIt, thc youngdoctorwhohascstab-
IshcdthatthckdncysoIhsIathcrarcnoIongcrhItcrng,knows
thatthcoIdmanIcsthcrcdyng. Butnastrctscnsc,snccnoonc
s dcadbcIorcbcngdcad, no onc dies nthcprcscnt. Agan and
again, it can only be said that one has died. Because it only gets its
IogcaIjusthcatonasaconccptthroughthccntranccoIdcath,thc
word dc" s onIyappIcabIcnIogcaIIanguagc n Iorms oIthc
past tcnsc. That mcans nothng cIsc than that humanbcngs, n
dcaIngwth thcr cnd, arc constantIycomng agantodcath.But
bccauscdcathsunthnkabIc,aIIthcrcIIortsturnntonothng,ts
ncgatvtyputs aIIIogcaI ruIcs outoIacton.Mydcath, anunrcaI
qucston. asIongasI am, tsnot, andIts, I amnotanymorc.
Thswcvcknownsnccantquty,andsuchknowIcdgchasncvcr
1 08 I ON A GING
bccnanyusctoanyoncIoranythngandsIorcvcryoncwhoap-
proachcs dcath onIy a tastcIcss jokc. !t s truc. !t s IaIsc. !t s
wsdomandIoIIy.!nIact,cvcrysubjcctvcuttcranccaboutoncs
own dcath contans a IogcaIprobIcm.! amnot. Docsntths !
am"cxcIudcthcnot?"NotnsoIarasmyuttcranccIctsmcboth
takcmyscIIoutoImyscIIandvcwmy nonbcng ornot-bcng-
hcrcasanobjcctvcIact, .c.,IromthcpcrspcctvcoIthcsurvvor.
Ycs, thc !am" docsnotaIIowa not"I!staywthn myscIIand
undcrstandmycgoasthatwhchaIonccanhavcscnscIormc. as
somcthngbcnghcrc.
ThccvcntoImydcath, thcIactoImydcath, whchnsptcoI
aII ts IogcaI probIcms conccrns mc morc than aII othcrs and
cvcrythng cIsc, s onIy comprchcnsbIc Ior thc survvors and
onIybythcmtobcntcgratcd ntothccoursc oIaIIars. A much
toIdjokcthats abt oIahorrorstoryhasamarrcdmansayng,
!I onc oI thc two oI us dcs, ! wII movc nto our country
housc."I Frcnchcourts,thcprcsdngjudgcrscs,Ia crmnaIIy
accuscdpcrson hasdcddurngthctraI, and spcaks thc IormuIa,
Laccusc cst dcccd, Iacton pubIquc cst ctcntc" ( Hc s dcad,
thcpubIcactonsdssoIvcd) . NomorccIcarIyandcmphatcaIIy
canonc cxprcss thc objcctvc stuaton oIthc dcathoIa human
bcngwhosnowno morc, aganstwhomonc canmakc no ac-
cusatons,whomonc cannottax, norpay, norscndtothcIront,
and cannot put n a homc Ior thc agng. Exccpt that, Ior a
humanbcng, hs or hcr IIc s ncvcr a pubIc mattcr nomattcr
howmuchts socaIIydctcrmncd.Thatwcarchcrcandcanno
doubt thnkthoroughIyoIa worId wthout our bcng hcrc, not
howcvcr our own not-bcng-hcrc, s thc IundamcntaI mattcr
oIour cxstcncc. !n ccrtan momcnts t comcs to bc Ior usthc
mcanng oIthcworIdpIan andsmpIc, cvcnI t sanunbcara-
bIcabsurdty.
lspt t out, Ior t s nothng Ior mc, " says thc IathcrJaakob
nThomas Manns Joscph tctraIogy whcnhcsbroughtthc IaIsc
rcpoHoIJoscphsdcath.Thus cvcryonc spts outthc unhcard-oI
mpcrtncncc that onc shouId kndIy comc to tcrms wth oncs
owndcathand oncsownnotbcng, IoraIIhumanbcngsmust
cvcntuaIIy dc. Each spts t outn thc dccpcst dsgust, no, ts
nothngIor hm or hcr. AII arc aII and onc s oncscIIandwhcn
othcrsdc ts sad, that!, howcvcr, amnottobcs a scandaIand
an mpossbIty. !na tcrrbIc, unnaturaI way, ncvcrthcIcss, wc
humanbcngs takc what wcvc spt out agan to ourscIvcs. lt s
nothing Ior us, stIIwc havc to swaIIow t. Wc dontIkc to dc
andwc wII. Wc cannot thnk oI dcath and wc havc to. Thc ob-
vousIyunrcaI qucston, thc cxpIoraton oIthc ncgatvc aspccts
oIthsIrontcr, thcthnkng oInothngthats atthcsamctmca
not-thnkng-t s a pcrson'sIast and most cxtrcmc qucston oI
bcng. Ic Iaux, ccst Ia mort" (IaIschoods dcath) , accordng to
JcanPauI Sartrc.Wth that thcphIosophcrrcnounccsthcdcath
thatmakcs cxstcncc anopaquc csscncc, a stonyetre (bcng) that
s stlI onIy an avoir-ite, (a havng-bccn) . AII thosc who gct n-
voIvcdwthdcath cntcr nto morcthana liaison dangereuse: thcy
arccommttnganobsccnc nccst. But onccan aIsojustasrghtIy
say that thc onIy thng thats truc s dcath, sncc t s thc Iuturc
ofaII futurcs. Evcry stcp wc takc Icadsusto t, cvcrythoughtwc
thnkbrcaks down on t. !ts compIctcIy cmpty truth, ts unrcaI
rcaItys ourIIc'smcanngIcssIuIhIImcnt, ourtrumphovcrIIc
onIymastcrcdnthc nothngncssoIourbordcr crossng, andour
totaI dcbacIc.
Dcathsthc prmaI contradcton. As thcabsoIutc not"t n-
cIudcs aII othcr conccvabIc ncgatons. lt can onIybcncgatvcIy
dchncd, thc hnaI dccay oIthc Iast oIaII thcbIIons oIccIIs that
makc up ourIvng organsm. Ncgatvcthnkngs notpossbIc
1 1 0 I ON A GI NG
untI wc startwth dcath, whosc rrcvcrsbIty hrst gvcs dcnaI
ts totaIzng mcanng. Thatsomcthngwas andnoIongcrs. wc
onIycxpcrcncct through thc dcath oI othcrsn thc soItcncd
andvcIcdnIormatonbroughttousbyhosptaIs, IuncraIndus-
trcs, andnccropoIscs.AthngIaIIsapart,buttcanstIIbcIound
agannanothcrmanIcstatonoIbcnga thng. Ahumanbcng,
howcvcr, who has dcd, s gonc, parti sans laisser d'adresse ( dc-
partcd wthout Icavng a Iorwardng addrcss) Iorcvcr, by
stIIcnngnto a thng, a thng thatas such dccomposcsjust Ikc
cvcry othcrthng, thchumanorgansm bccomcs ts own dcnaI.
What happcnswtht aItcrts dcaths onIyonc morc macabrc,
scII-parodyng, totaIIyhopcIcssstagng oIancxhbtonto canccI
agan thc dcnaI. Thc dcarIy dcpartcd, " thc Iovcd onc" about
whosc absurd post-mortcm Iatc EvcIyn Waugh rcports n hs
Ikc-namcdnovcI, s notjust anydcarIydcpartcd,butsnot, and
thc ghastIncss oIthatprcparatonbywhcha cadavcrs trcatcd
wthcosmctcsandIad to rcstamongthc cyprcsscs-a rcst that
s no rcstataII sncc thc conccpt oI rcst prcsupposcs that IIc' s
unrcstwII soonrcappcar-t s mutatis mutandis part andparccI
oIcvcryccIcbratory ntcrmcnt.
Now, thc cxpcrcncc oIthc dcath oIothcrsas thc no-Iongcr-
bcngoIsomcthngthatwasmaywcIIprcsupposccvcryncgatvc
and thcrcIorc daIcctcaI knd oI thnkng. Howcvcr, ts at thc
samctmcthcrcjcctonoIaIIdaIcctc.thcncgatonoIa ncgaton
oI a ncgatIon. Our dIsconsoIatc Insght Into not bcIng Is not a
gcnunc InsghtbutstIIonc thatIcts usrccognzc Iroma dstancc
a puzzIng and IIcctng shadow. !t opcns up a path to us Ior
ncgatvc-daIcctcaIthInkngbutcIoscs t to usno sooncrthanwc
havc cntcrcd upon It, Ior dcath Is thc ncgatvc that carrIcs
nothngpostIvc wthIn t. WcundcrstandanabsoIutcncgatIon,
nccdcdn ordcrto usc a rcIatvc ncgaton, onIy Irom dcath, but
I I I I To Live with Dying
ndong so wccomprchcndths ncgatontscII no morcthanwc
comprchcnd dcath. Dcath as a contradcton, not onIy oI cvcry
postvcbutaIso oI aII ncgatvc thnkng-t s thcnonscnscthat
strkcsbackat cvcry scnsc, t s mystcryandtrvaIty, ncccssty
oIthoughtandmpossbItyoIthought,dcnaIoIIIc naIIcthat
wou|dbc unmagnabIc and worthIcss wthout thc boundary oI
dcath, but whch at thc samc tmc Ioscs cvcry vaIuc sncc t has
to cnd. Othcrthan thc physcan dctcrmnnga cIncaI dcath-
thcsc days no Iongcr casy to dchnc-or thc pubIc prosccutor
whohas to haIt thcpubIcaccusatonoIa pcrsonwho has dcd,
no onc cantaIkaboutdcathwthoutcthcrtaIkng contradctory
nonscnsc or IIccng nto mctaphor. Thc mctaphorcaIuttcrancc,
whch wc too cannot cscapc hcrc, not cvcn whcn wc asprc to
avod t ataII costs, s thc morc commodous and attractvc way.
Thc dcadpcrson rcsts or sIccps. Hcshappynow," says thc dc-
pcndcnt oI a man who has just dcd, n an anccdotc by AIIrcd
PoIgar, and somconc wthaIotoIncrvcasksthc coarscqucston,
Howdo you know?"Thc rcIatvc comIortng hmscII and othcr
IamIymcmbcrs wthhs assurancc oI wcII-bcng n dcath hasno
dcawhcrc hc gcts t Irom. Thc dcad pcrson-butwhat docsthat
mcan, thc dcadpcrson? Thc nothng wouId havc bccna morc
corrcctwayto sayt, cvcnI t s morc cmpty, sncc thc cadavcr
thatwII quckIy dccaysccrtanIy not a dcad" thng. Thc dcad
pcrson, I Ianguagc usagc wants t thatway, s ncthcrwcIInor
unwcII. !t ncthcr rcsts nor sIccps, Ior aItcr rcst, unrcst must
comcandaItcrsIccp, awakcnng. Thcnots not"wouIdbcthc
onIy, thoroughIytautoIogcaI, wayto asscrtt, andthatwc can
drop.
Not onIy do thc dcad sct thc Imts oI thcr Ianguagc wth
thcrdcath, butaIsothosc oIoursovcrthcrbcng dcad. Requies
cat in acc-that s ccrtanIy a ncc soundng phrasc and qutc
I l 2 I ON A GING
rghtIymuchmorcsympathctctoHans CastorpthanHoch sol er
leben, ` whchsoundsmorcIkc rasng thcrooI.Butt s a mcta-
phorcaIIycmptyphrasc,Iornooncrcstsnpcaccnomattcrhow
muchwcmaywsht.Dcathdocsnotwcara SpanshIrII coIIar,
nor s t thc bcautIuI dark woman namcd Mara Casarcs Irom
Coctcaus Orphee, but t s cmpty and unrccognzabIc. No mat-
tcr how oItcn onc starts to taIk about dcath, t s IaIsc. Not
cxprcssbIcnIogcaIIanguagc."ThatshowRudoIICarnapruIcs
aItcr scmantc anaIyss oI onc oI Hcdcggcrs scntcnccs about
nothngncss-andhcsrght.I mctaphorcaIspccchonIybabbIc
spossbIc.thusanyoIuscanpassjudgmcntwhcnwchcarsomc-
thngabout thc ctcrnaIpcaccntowhcha pcrsonwhohasj ust
dcd s supposcd to bc cntcrng hnaIIy aItcr a hard IIc-and
cvcryIIc s doubtIcsshard.TotaIkoIthcpcaccoIdcaths noth-
ng cIsc thanbcnghorrhcdaboutthc strIc oIIIc. But bcyond
that, thc mctaphors oI dcath can no morc bc omttcd than thc
corrcct uttcrancc, madc whcn somconc has dcd, that onIy a
ncgatvc that s nots thcrc. UnIcss . . .
Ycs, unIcss thc mctaphorcaIIyhappysurvvor, convnccdthat
thc dcad pcrson shappynow, bcIcvcs nanctcrnaIIIc and has
dchncdthsbcIcI.ThswrtcrcannotrcIatc to thcabsurdtyoI
Iathn a IIcthat contnucs aItcrdcath, a IaththatonIygans
somcscnscthroughthcmcdumoImythoIogy. Rghttothccnd,
hc rcmans cntrcIy on thc sdc oI Jcan Rostand, who sad so
smpIyandso cmphatcaIIy, !bcIcvcthatwhcnwcIaIIt s Ior-
cvcr and wc dont gct up agan aItcrwards Ikc thc murdcrcd
actorsn thcthcatcr. "
AII thosc whohavcbanshcd thcbomorphous andmythc
hopc Ior a contnucd cxstcncc bcyond thc boundary oI dcath
wIInotbc abIc toabstanIromthc attcmpt, condcmncdtoIaI-
urc Irom thc start, oIthnkngabout thcr dcath. !t s probabIy
1 1 3 To Live with Dying
truc, what Frcud sad, that partcuIarIy n our unconscous
cvcryonc oIus [sj convnccdoIhs mmortaIty"-andths, wc
wouIdIkcto suggcst, not somuch Iromrcasons oI a crcaturcIy
cIngng to IIc, but rathcr bccausc oncs own dcath s so un-
thnkabIc. On thc othcr hand, our convcton s wcak, just as
shakyasthchopcoIIvng onhcIdbythoscwhocaIIthcmscIvcs
bcIcvcrs n Cod. Pcrc ThbauIt was a pous man, ntator and
honorarycharmanoInumcrous CathoIccIubs. Butwhcnt got
scrous, thcn hs Cod and thc mmortaIty n ths Cod wcrc
cIcarIynoIongcrworthmuch. Hcknows thatthc cndscomng.
For thc othcrsdcaths a common, mpcrsonaIthought. Forhm
ts nowcvcrythngthats prcscnt, t s rcaIty. Hcs dcathtscII."
Andsohchashs conIcssorcomc.Thcprcstsayswhathsmetier
caIIs Ior. OId ThbauIt s no Iongcr wthn hs rcach. For a
momcnt, IoIIowng thc routnc, hs thnkng trcs to cvokc thc
dcaoI Codn ordcrtoIIcctot. But hselan s mmcdatcIycrp-
pIcd. EtcrnaI IIc, thc gracc oI Cod-an unntcIIgbIc Ianguagc.
cmptyvocabIcs Iackng any common mcasurc aganst thc tcrrIy-
ng rcaIty. " No onc bcIcvcs n hs or hcr dcath. Frcud s rght.
Whcn thngs comc to a hcad, no onc trusts thc hopc Ior a bc-
yond. Martn du Card, thcwrtcr oIThe Thibaults, s rght.
At onc tmc or anothcr, cvcryonc has to acccptthnkng thc
unthinkable. At one timc oranother. OIcoursc, thcpont oItmc
at whch ths cmpty cxpIoraton, thc cxpIoraton oI cmptncss,
bcgns s unccrtan. StII, though conscous oI sayngsomcthng
vaguc, onc can spcakoIaging as thc strctchoItmc nwhchwc
mcctwththc thoughtoIdcath. Fora youngman-andwc Imt
bcng young no morc prccscIy than wc spccIy thc pont at
whch a humanbcng bccomcs awarc oI hs agng-dcath s oI
noconccrn, cvcnIhcaIrcadyhastoburycIoscrcIatvcs. Hcgocs
to war, I not happIy, at Icast wthout grcat Icar oI dcath, hc
1 1 4 I ON A GING
hardlyIccls thc dangcrous spccd oIdriving thc caron thc high-
way, cvcn a scrious illncss usually docs not causc him horror.
WisdomoIthc body, " conhdcntoIhisabilityto rcsist? That is
onlya qucstionIorbiologists. Trust inglobalcxpcricncc, gathcr-
ing itsclI up as onc statistic ahcad oI cvcry othcr statistic, that
youngpcoplchavca longcrliIcahcadoIthcmthanold pcoplc?
Plcasc hnd an answcrIrom psychology. What thc aging think
thcyknowistwoIold. that on thc onc handthc IcaroIdcath or
thc urgcncy oI thc thought oI dcath havc diIIcrcnt gradcs ac-
cordingtowhcthcronccxpcctsdcathIromoutsidc-by accidcnt
or Irom thc hand oI an cncmy-or dcath Irom within, that on
thc othcrhand cvcn this dcath oI a youngpcrson Iromwithin,
cvcn iIhc or shc is hcavily suIIcring, has onlya slightvaluc in
rcality. !t rcquircs an cxtcnsivc cxpcricncc oIphysical downIall,
dwindling bodily powcrs, wcakcncd mcmory, dccay, and diIh-
culty in all Iorms, Ior dcath to changc Irom an objcctivcly
impcrsonal subjcct into somcthing authcntic. !t may only bc a
logically untcnablcanalogyandmctaphorto saythings likc, Wc
livc in a longproccss oI dying, " Wc dic without ccasc," Dcath
grows upinsidc oI us"-in thc rcgionoIlivcd cxpcricncc such
mctaphoriccharactcrizations oIdcatharccxpcricnccd rcality.As
long asthcagingdo notpursuc thc busincss oIsupprcssingthis
awarcncss without a bad conscicncc andwithonlya littlc suc-
ccss, iI thcy do not alicnatc thcmsclvcs with somc kind oI
opcrational tncssIorliving, thcyscnscthatthcyarc dyingmany
ycars bcIorc thcy actually pass away. Thcir physical, social, and
culturalloss oI thcworldmakcsthcmccrtainoIsomcthingthcy
had onlybclicvcd carlicrandwithoutIccling to bc a thcorctical
truth. thatthcy arc moribundi. Thc tcmptation to rccitc a manic
litany appcars to thcm. ! will dic, ! will dic, dic, dic. Thcy arc
nowdcpcndcnton dcath, on somcthingthatdocs notIormany
1 1 5 I To Live with Dying
part oI thcrpossbItcs. Butsncc thcy vcry quckIy rccognzc
thatbcsdcsaIyrcaIdcath-stammcrthcrcsnothnganyonccan
do wth anannhIatng nothngncss, thcyarrvcaganandagan
atthc horrbIc Irsky vtaIty oI dyng.
NothngwIIbctakcnback.thcvcrbdccanonIybcuscdIog-
caIIy inthc past tcnsc sncc t docs notrcccvc ts Icgtmzaton
untI dcathhas aIrcady takcnpIacc. StII, snccthc contradcton
oIdcathovcrshadowng ourcntrcIIc makcs aII Iogc-whchs
surcIyaIwaysthc IogcoIIIc-andaIIpostvc thnkngnvaId,
dcas oIdcath havc to takc thcr shapc n opposton to Iogcn
thoughtsoIdyng.ThcaIIIctcdmaythcn saytothcmscIvcs,thcy
havc to thnk around dcath, sncc thcy cannot thnk about
dcath-and constantIy try ths roundabout way ancw cvcn
thoughthcyconstantIydcscrbconIyhaII-crcIcs.I wIIdc, saythc
agngto thcmscIvcs. Whcn?Whcrc?How?AbovcaII.how?
AIcwycarsagot wasAs turn. brthdayswthunbcIcvabIy
hghhgurcsandbodIynconvcncnccsoIaIIkndsnoIongcrpcr-
mttcd hm to Ivc Ior thc day Ikc a ncc brutc or hs pIucky
ncghbor. Hcwassupposcdtobc IamIarwthdcath-notwth
thatoIthcothcrs, IkcthcchcIphyscanPrvy CouncIorBchrcns
whointhcBcrghoISanatorumsdcathsoIdcmpIoycc,butwth
hs own. A. had IvcdIorycars undcrdchntc, thoughhcrc not
pcrtncnt, crcumstanccs nwhch cvcry dayand cvcry hour hc
hadto cxpccths dcath. Hchadsccn thosc Ikchm dcpartnjust
aboutcvcryconccvabIcway.Hscomradcs (tcantbccxprcsscd
othcrwsc)hadcroaked, astturncdoutcxactIy,Iromtyphus,dys-
cntcry, hungcr, IromthcbIowswthwhchthcywcrc torturcd,
cvcnsnappngIorbrcathnZykIonB. HchadcarcIcssIycImbcd
ovcr pIcs oIbodcs, strddcn through undcrgroundcorrdors n
whch somc had bccn strung up onpowcrIuI ron hooks. How
1 1 6 I ON A GING
wasitwith mcatthattimc,A. askshimscIIandgivcshimscIIan
answcr,knowingthatothcrswiIIacccptitwithdistrust.!wasnot
aIraid.!wasnotbravc,bccauscthcrcwasaIotthattcrrihcd mc. !
was young. AndthcdcaththatthrcatcncdmccamcIromoutsidc.
thcrc is no niccr dcath in thc worId than bcing kiIIcd by an
cncmy.!t camcIromoutsidc, cvcnwhcn itwas notthc dcathoI
a cudgcl or gas. Dyscntcry and phIcgmon wcrc attacks by an
cncmyworId, tcrriIyingassuchbutnotcausingIcarIikcthatsIow
dying, assigncd to mc in my dccay Irom within as a IamiIiar
cncmywithwhom!havctodcaI,nowthat!havcagcdandhavc
bccn madc to undcrstand by not cxactIypIcasant diagnoscs oI
physiciansandaIcwnumcricaIhgurcsthat!amgoingdownhiII.
Dying by murder, which in my casc couId cvcn havc bccn con-
ccivcd at that timc as a dcath Irom within, is an attack oI thc
worId against my pcrson. A stccI pipc strikcs, a shot is hrcd, a
suddcnIcvcrthrowsmcdown.!standthcn-stood, asI prcciscIy
rcmcmbcr-in thcconditionoIa humanbcingwhohaslosthis
trustinthcworIdbccauscinhisdistrcsshc cannotchcrishanycx-
pcctationoIhcIp. Dyingwastcrror.
Now it is horror and angor, horror and anguish. ! had to
cxpcctquitc IitcralIythata boot wouId kick mc topicccsorhaII
kick mc topicccsand no onc wouId cvcn givc my mashcdbody
as much as a gIancc, Ict aIonc bring it activc assistancc. Such
Irighthas somcthing prccipitous, incomprchcnsiblc, somcthing
thoroughIyaIicnaboutit, but cvcn iI ! wasunarmcd, thcrc had
stIpcrsIstcdanIrratIonabasIcstatcoIaIIairs in which agcrm of
a possibIc dcIcnsc Iay cmbcddcd.
Today? ! dcny myscIInothing. Onaccount oI a triIlc ! go to
thc doctor. Hc is IricndIy, his instrumcnts and his prcscription
pad arc thcrc to scrvc mc. ! draggcd around Ior days at twcnty
dcgrccs bcIow zcro Cclsiusand across ! dont know how many
kiIomctcrs oI snow-covcrcdhighways, and cvcrynowandthcn
! hcard thc whip-snap oI a shot that brought a comradc down.
Thc strangc Iright madc mc pcrhaps trcmbIc a short timc pcr-
haps, but!was sparcdIromIcar.
Whcn!amtircdanddo notwanttodrivc myowncar, !takc
a tax, itsaIIrathcrcomIortabIc, and no onc dcnics good scrvicc
to anyonc who can Iay out a Icw picccs oI moncy. But Icar is
withmc, a dcaIIccIingthatncvcrmakcs mc trcmbIc, just an cx-
trcmcIy pcrsistcnt onc, which ina sIow kind oIwaybccomcs a
part oI my pcrson, so much so that ! cannot actuaIIy say any
Iongcr that ! have any Icar. !nstcad ! say that ! am Icar, cvcn
thoughthis scnsc oIbcing Icar docs not hindcrmc indoingmy
work, cvcnthoughothcrs know nothing oI it, and cvcnthc good
mood!wcarIor appcarancc hardIy suIIcrsanydamagc. ! chcrish
thc strong suspicion that it is no bcttcrwith othcr aging pcopIc
who, iI nccd bc, organizc happy picnics, go to thc thcatcr, and
havcIashionabIccIothingmadcIorthcmscIvcs. As Iormc, aman
oIthc Iong dcath march oIa Iormcr agc who is not any bravcr
but aIso not cspcciaIIy Iaint-hcartcd, ! know in any casc that !
bccomcaIraid oIdying tothc dcgrcc that thc hopcs oI IiIc aban-
don mc.Thc onticdcnsityoImycxistcnccgctsthin andthc Icar
oIdyinghIIs upthccmpty spaccaspurcncgativity. Thc sIowad-
vancc of whatwiII cvcntuaIIy bc my dcath has givcn my IiIc its
particuIar, vcry ugIy, and to mc prcviousIy unknown coIor. ! do
not know cxactIy anymorc how it happcncd whcn ! hrst bcgan
to pcrccivc thc stcp, thc hooI bcat, and trot. Gctting tircd too
quickIyinoncpIacc, hcavybrcathing, a startIingpaininanothcr,
cvcn without bcing abIc to rcmcmbcr it, it bccomcs rcaIity in
rctrospcct. Not untiI aII sorts oI inj ury had aIrcady grown
strongcrwcrc aging and cxpcctation oI dcath prcscntas consti-
tuting cIcmcnts. Fcar, angor, angustiae, constriction, anguish. !
1 1 8 I ON A GING
oItcn think aboutthc snow-covcrcd highways oI 1 944 and thc
good dcath by murdcr that didnt want to know mc at aII. No
niccrdcath, asa mattcroIIact-not cvcryonc hasthc chancc.
AnunacccptabIcthoughtwhcnoncconsidcrsthcrcactionary
vuIgariticsIorwhichitcouIdprovidcanaIibil AndwhatIoIIyto
wishIoradcaththat'saIrcadyhappcncdoutoIIcaroIdyinglBut
it isonIythc IoIIy oI dcaths contradiction, which cxtinguishcs
cvcryrcIIcctivcthought.!trcmainstruc, !amccrtain, that,iIno
timcwaspassing,itwascasicrtodicandcasicrtobccomcintimatc
withsomcthingsounavoidabIcandunthinkabIc. OriIitdidntgct
thatIar, thccvcnt,incvitabIyapproachingandinconccivabIcinits
spccihcity,couIdbcinthccourscoIthcincxorabIcagingproccss-
how docs onc compIctc this prcdicatc? !t wont work with
pcrccivcdinadvancc, " sinccwcrcdcaIingwithsomcthingcom-
pIctcIy unknown. Can cvcrything cvcntuaIIybc rcduccd to thc
wordIcarcd?"!amIrightcncdoIdying,againstwhich!argucdin
IamiIiarhostiIitywhiIcagingandtowhich!bccamcaccustomcd
in dcccptivc intimacy. ! dont know it-how couId any Iiving
pcrson knowit?-andthcrcIorchavctoticitto cxpcricnccs oI
IiIc,iI!amtosayanythingmorcthanrcpctitioustaIkaboutanxi-
ctyand Icar," knowingbythcwaythatthis morcIor which !
ycarncanonIybcaprctcxt.!think!amaIraidoIconstriction.!ts
probabIynotvcrymuchoutoIIinctoputdyingonthcsamcIcvcI
asthcconstrictionoImyIiIc.ThcbodyintcrIcrcsjustthc samc. To
bcabandoncdby IiIc, to takc thc Iastbrcath, to sighaway, " asit
is caIIcd in a passagc vcry dcar to mc, mcans suIIocating as !
undcrstand it, cvcn iImcdicaI scicncc dismisscs this conccpt as
cIinicaIIyimprccisc.Forwithbrcathing,whichwiIIthcnbcdcnicd
tomc, !amjustasIamiIiarascvcryonccIsc. !havchadshortncss
oIbrcath as much asanyonc. that madc it cIcar to mc thatthc
wish Ior Irccdom canbctakcnback to thc impuIsivc dcsirc Ior
Irccdom to brcathc. But in dying thc amount oI oxygcn ! so
thoroughIy want IormyscII is no Iongcr grantcd mc. With thc
Irccdom to brcathc dcnicd, aII Irccdoms withdraw thcmscIvcs
Irom mc. Anxious Ior air ! havc to go on-that is thc bascst
thingwithaIcarthatwithgrcatIikcIihood!'IIgcttoknowmorc
andmorcprcciscIy.
Fo A. , who thinks hc knows somcthing about dcath and
dying, thc prcscncc oI dcath in IiIc is thc sIow withcring away
thatcomcstobcknownwithaging, andthishcagainascribcs to
IcaroIconstriction and suIIocation. Hcthinksthcrcissomcthing
pccuIiarabout this shortncss oIbrcath. !t turns cvcry rcIIcction
into thc absurdity oI thc anti-thought oIdcath, asis obvious to
anyoncIonginghopcIcssIy to cscapc Iromthrcatcningconstric-
tions. Oncdocs nothavctobcaphysicianandapaticnttoknow
that shortncss oI brcath makcs anyonc opprcsscd in this way
want to brcathc cvcn morc dccpIy instcad oI ycarning Ior thc
dupcry oI a saIvation through dcath. This saIvation docs not
cxist. A suIIcring pcrson can aIways bc rcIcascd Irom his orhcr
tormcntintoaIiIcIrccoItormcnt, intothcgratihcationoIancgo
Ircc oIdistrcss, butncvcrfrom this cgo. OnIy whcn a pcrsonno
Iongcr has painbutinphysicaI andpsychic totaIity is pain, as in
the case of a carcinoma with bone metastases, may the absurd
dcsirc Iorncgation, Iorthc anti-cgooInothingncss, appcar. But
cvcn inthismostcxtrcmctorturc, inIIctcd onthc sickby thcir
own bodics, thc suIIcring individuaIs wiII stiII dcsirc to brcathc,
cvcn iI thcy havc impIorcd thcir physician to makc an cnd to
thcirmiscrywithaninjcction.
ThcrcIorc,inspitcoIaIIIogicaIcontradiction, itsccmsthatthc
IcaroIdying, madc concrctcinthc shortncss oIbrcath, isinthc
cndstiIIthcIcaroIdcath.WhiIcthinkingoIdyingwccannotstick
120 I ON A GI NG
to thc vtaIty olthc hnaI cvcnt but arc aIways drcctcd to thc
thoughtoldcathntsmpossbIty,partIybccausctsonIylrom
dcath that dyngactuaIIybccomcs dyng, partIy howcvcr-and
hcrcA.s,oranyoncs,cxpcrcnccolshortncssolbrcathhcIpsus
lurthcr-bccauscnosullcrngpcrsoncvcracccptsasngIcbrcath
asthcIast, dcIvcrng"onc.Thclcaroldyngorolsullocatngac-
cordngIybccomcsthchorror oldcath,whch, on authortyol
anccntwsdom, sno conccrnolours.Andnowthcncxtstcpn
thsnquryntothcunknowabIccanbctakcncasIy,aIItoocasIy
pcrhaps,makngtbcttcrtoapproachasaqucstonrathcrthanan
answcrthatsoundsnsoIcnt. CantwcconcIudcthatnotonIythc
lcaroldyngbutcvcrylcaractuaIIygocsbacktothclcaroldcath?
Not to dcduct anythng lrom thc vndcatcd Icgtmacy ol A. s
broodngdstnctonbctwccntcrroronthconchand,horrorand
angush onthcothcr, bctwccnthcdcaththatsnIIctcdupon us
lromwthout,assomcthnglorcgn,andthcdlhcuItoncwhch-
to spcakmctaphorcaIIy-grows on us lrom wthn n thc most
cvIolaIIntmaccs. lt s ccrtan, howcvcr, thatnour sghng
awayhorrorandtcrrorcombncaganasthclcaroldcath-and
thc qucston about rcducngcvcrylcartothc lcarolsullocaton
ordcathmaybcaskcdbutnotprccscIyanswcrcd. Whcnwcgo
tothcdoctor, wccaImdownwhcnhcorshcdagnoscsthcpans
thatwccndurcasharmIcss. OpprcssvcandthoroughIypanluI
rhcumatodsullcrngs,whchoncknowswIInotIcadtodcath,
canbcabsorbcdby thcpcrsonolthcpatcntbcttcrthanntaIIy
panIcss but Ilc-thrcatcnng llncsscs ol thc crcuIaton or thc
bIood. !n hs ncomparabIy thoughtlul book, Wohlbefnden und
Mijbefnden ( FccIngwcIIandlccIngsck), thcCcrmanphyscan
andphcnomcnoIogstHcrbcrtPIggctcIlsusaboutaso-caIIcddy-
namclorty-hvc-ycar-oIdndustralstwhogocstohmwthwhat
hc, thc patcnt, bcIcvcs tobc rhcumatod pans nhslcltshouI-
dcr andbrskIycxcuscshmscIIn thc proccss Ior troubIngapro-
Icssor oI mcdcnc wth such a trIIc. Whcn thc cxamnaton
rcvcaIsthatt s nnowaya qucstonoIrhcumatsmbutoIcIcar
symptoms oI angina pectoris and thc physcan Icts thc patcnt
knowhs dagnoss, arcmarkabIcchangctakcspIaccnthc man.
Evcn though hc ccrtanIy docs not suIIcr physcaIIy any morc
thanbcIorc, hsvgoranddynamsmarcaII gonc. ourtccndays
Iatcrhc actcdasthoughhchadgrownoId, "wrtcsHcrbcrtPIiggc.
Hs manncr was nhbtcd, hs cIastcty gonc. Hc now Ivcs
IastdousIy, hasgvcnupsmokng, hashmscIIdrvcnbya chauI-
Icur.Hc 'notccshshcartnowands dcprcsscd. "Hcs, oncmay
wcIIadd, aIrad, aIrad oIdyng, aIrad oI dcath, aIradtohoIdhs
brcathnIcarthattmaybchs Iast. LangosscdIIusc,Iangossc
uItmc, cnhn, s appcIIc Ia mort" (AIIpcrvasvc Icar, thc hnaI
Icar-n short-s caIIcd dcath) , wrtcs VIadmr JankcIcvtch.
Evcry Icars Icar oI dcath, cvcry carc s to kccp usIrom dcath,
whatwcdoIorourhcaIth"sdrcctcddcIcnsvcIyaganstdcath.
OurcntrcIIc passcsawayn thcabsurd cIIortto avod thc un-
avodabIc. thcmorcwc dc" and thc cIoscrwc comcto our Iast
brcath, thc morc dcspcratcIy wcstruggIcaganstsomcthngwth
whch, n ordcrtobc scnsbIc, ts ourbusncsstorcconcIc our-
scIvcs.ScnsbIc?Wchnd ourscIvcsnapIaccwhcrctsaIIovcr
wth cvcry Iorm oI bcng scnsbIc, whcrc wcrc dcaIng wth
dcath, whch s absoIutcnon- scnsc. To rcconcIc ourscIvcs. that
mcans to acccptdcath. ButthatwouIdmcanrcIusngIIc onthc
spot. Ncthcrthconc northc othcr spossbIc. Evcry rcIusaI has
toguarantcc uscvcn thc most mscrabIc aItcrnatvc. Dcath n ts
totaIaIcnandncomprchcnsbIc naturc s noaItcrnatvc.!ts thc
IaIsc, sncc wc cannotthnkt, andthctruc, snccts IuIIyccrtan
Iorus. BcIorc thcopactyoIthcNothatssctaganstusandgvcn
tous, wccomc tobcnothngcvcn bcIorc wc comc nottobc.
122 I ON A GING
Howdowcconductoursclvcs?Dowcmurmuramonomanac
ltany? Dowcmakcourpcacc wththcncgatvtycncompassng
us? Dowc IlccIromdcathntodcath?Dowccontnuctolvc on
asIwcwcrcntalrcadypromscdtodcath?
Whcn t comcs to ndvdual psychology, answcrs to such
qucstonswllalwaysvaryIromoncpcrsontothcncxt.Wcknow
cxamplcsoIcarcIrcc"ndvdualswholvconntoagngandold
agc wthout a carc. Thcy lvc n cqulbrum, so t sccmsn any
casc andsothcyassurcus, dynganddcathdonot conccrnthcm
atall.Thcrcarcothcrs-wccallthcmdsturbcd-who, nrunnng
awayIromdcath, runtodcathandmagnc, Codknows, thatthc
act that scals thcr lossoIIrccdombcyond rccall, sucdc, s thc
conhrmaton oI thcr Irccdom. !I mcntal dcrangcmcnt hadn't
bcatcnhmtot, Nctzschc mght havcactcdthsway, sncchc
wrotc, DcathsonlyadcaththatsnotIrcc undcrdcspscdcon-
dtons,adcathatthcwrongtmc, a cowardlydcath. OutoIlovc
IorlIconcoughttowantdcathdIIcrcntly, Ircc,conscous,wth-
outsurprsc. "AIoolsstoryoIavoluntarydcath.
WchcaroIthcbravcwhopcaccIullylookdcathnthccyc (as
Ithcrcwas onc, asIthcrcwasanythngatalltosccthcrc) and
dc uprght n opposton to thc gcotropsm, thc gravtaton oI
agng that pulls thcm carthward. Thcrc arc rcports oI chccrIul
typcswhoapproachthcrcndn scrcnty, oIthoscwhoarcag-
tatcdnpancandrascupaclamorassoonasthchrstharbngcr
oIthc cnd comcs to thcm and who ncvcr stop howlng so that
cvcnthoscwholovcthcmturnawayfromthcm, thcrhcartsfuII
oI mpatcncc, and hcavc a sgh oIrclcIwhcnhnallydcath rc-
lcascs, not thc onc who s walng, but thcm. Bcyond cvcry
ndvdualpartcularty, howcvcr, thcrcspcrhapsstll-andwth
thsthc rcalm oIpsychologysabandoncd-a Iundamcntallysm-
larIormoIconductnthcIaccoIdcathanddyng, condtoncdby
thc smIartyoIourIundamcntaIdcstny, n whchthcbravcand
thc cowardIy, thc robust andthc sckIy, thc chccrIuIIy atpcacc
wththcmscIvcsandthcdsturbcdncurotcshndcachothcrnIuII
cquaIl y.
!nagng,thcyaIImakc acompromscwthdcath. Notpcacc,
j ustacompromsc, abadcompromsc,nomattcrhowunpIcasant
thatmghtsound.!ndongso,t'snotasIthcy'vcIcarncdhowto
dc. !t sn'tIcarncdn IamIarty. !tcomcsaboutrght whcn onc
rcaIzcsthattcan'tbcIcarncd, whcnonc'sadvanccdscnsng"s
rcduccdto Icar, nthc uncndurabIc IccIng oI constrcton, nthc
absoIutc horror oIthc Iast brcath. Thc bad compromscsaprc-
carousIy standng, but Irom casc to casc morc or Icss dccpIy
dsturbcd,butncvcr,cvcntothcncurotchypochondrac, cntrcIy
IackngbaIanccoIIcar and conhdcncc, rcbcIIonand rcsgnaton,
rcIusaandacccptancc.Thcagng, Iorwhomdyng changcsIrom
aunvcrsaIand obj cctvcmattcrtoapcrsonaIonc, trytoncutraI-
zc thc proxmty oI thc Bg Momcnt, a ncarncss that s cIcarIy
cvdcnt n statstcs and mcdcaI hndngs, by mcans oI a conh-
dcncc thats not conhdcntntscIIandthatcvcrydaybccomcs
morcrratonaI.EvcrydcIcrmcnt-aItcrasczurc,ascrousIIncss,
adangcrousopcraton-s Iorthcm Ikc anappcaI to a Iawcourt
thatcanactuaIIyacqutthcm.!IIuson.Iorhcrc mattcrsarcrcaIIy
dcIaycd, notsuspcndcd, andthc] udgcsdonotthnkataIIoIcas-
saton. Butthatdocs nothndcrthcagngIrombcngtakcnnby
thc haIIucnatonthcyknowtobcj ust that. !n Fnnsh, thcrc s
apparcntIyan cvcnngpraycrn whcht s sad, Lord, ! gIadIy
want to IoIIowyou I you caII mc, butnot nths nght. " Thosc
whoknowthcy'rcgcttngcIoscrto dcath act asIthcy'rc n an
unstabIc cquIbrum, IkcpcopIcprayng. Thcy aIrcady wantto
dc (thcy don't, thcyj ustknow thatthcy havctoandthcrcIorc
saythcy'rcgcttng rcadyj-butnottonght,j ustnotatthshour.
1 24 I ON A G ING
Evcrynghtstonghtandcvcryhoursthshour,andcvcrytmc
anappcaI smadctothccourt.
To Ivcwthdyngs not ntcndcdtomcanthatwc graspthc
knowIcdgc oIourownhntudc.!t aIsodocsntmcanthatwcha-
btuatc ourscIvcsto thc nonscnsc oInothngncss. Habtuaton s
onIya ccrtan cxcrcsc ncmptyandIaIsc cxpcctaton, n thc scII-
dcccpton oI bcng a vctm by not bcng that vctm sncc onc
cvcntuaIIyknowsthatatsomctmc, and probabIyvcrysoon,thc
j udgmcnt wIIbccomcIcgaIIybndng andbc cxccutcd.
ThcastonshngcapabItyoIthc agngtoadaptthcmscIvcsto
a IccIng Ior tmc appropratcIy rcqurcd by thc crcumstanccs
makcs t casyIorthcm tocstabIsha baIancc. As wc sad at an-
othcrpont, thcybccomc tmc morc and morc n mcmory, Ior
worIdand spacc wthdrawIromthcm. Wc aIso sad oI tmc-n-
thc-IuturcthattshouIdnotbc dscusscd, dcath, dcnaI oIcvcry
contngcncy, is thcgoaI oIcxpcctation and canccIs thc scnsc oI
thc conccptoIthc Iuturc. Wc arc not gvng upon ths poston.
Yct t sccms ncccssary to rcpIacc t wth somcthng ncw and
dIIcrcnt, cvcnIwc arcnotgongtontroducc aganthcdmcn-
sonoIthcIuturcthathasbccomcscnscIcssIorthcagng.Futurc,
whatcvcrs comngto us, wc sad, s spacc n thc rcaItyoIthc
Ivcd, thc agng Iosc thc Iormcrwththc Iattcr. What thcy cx-
changc Ior t s a IccIng oI ndstnct and dchntcIy sIoppy
tcmporaIndIIcrcncc. !t docs notcxcIudcthcrIcar, but onthc
contrary ncIudcs tandmakcstcvcnbcarabIc.ThcyIookback
ntoa pastoImovingbackgrounds oIycarsandstagcsoIIIcthat
changc thcr quanttatvc vaIuc n thc proccss oI rcmcmbcrng.
But t s aIways thc casc that cvcryarbtrary tmc spanIromthc
past sccms tny to thcm, whIc thcy cannot cvcn Iorcscc thc
samc strctch oItmc n a shadowyand dubous Iuturc. PrccscIy
bccausc thcyhavc torcckonwththcpossbIty oIbcngaIvcIor
1 25 I To Live with Dying
onIy a Icw morcycars, thcy Ikcwsc Ict thc CoodLordbc agood
manwhowIIccrtanIycxtcndthc spannto nhnty. Fourycars
ago onc oI thcm wasn somc oId ctyonvacaton. thatwasycs-
tcrday.!noncycarhcwIIno Iongcrbchcrc.buthowIong docs
a ycar Iastl Thc dsntcgratngcxtcnson oI a postcror pcrodoI
tmc,ontcaIIyIosngts dcnsty, bcIongstothcproccssoIbaIancc
andaccommodatonjustasthcIIusory appcaItothc court. Wth
ths conccpt wc wouId gvc ourscIvcs away to thcoIogy, to any
sort oI transccndcntaI thnkng whch, as CabrcI MarccI cx-
prcsscs t, Iooks at hopc" as thc stuII oI whch our souI s
madc. " Lcts avod that knd oI guIcIcssncss. Whcnthc agng
makc :hcr bad compromsc, thcy act as crcaturcs oI Icar who
havc to stand up n that Icar and aganst t.
CrcaturcsoIncgaton,contanngnokndoIpostvtythatcan
bc dcscrbcd daIcctcaIIy, thcy cvadcwthabadconsccnccaNo
thatconstantIytakcshoIdoIthcmagan. ThcypIayhdcandscck
wthdcathcvcnwhcnthcytryto dcaIwtht.PcrcThbauIt, tor-
mcntcd by thc pan oI hs urcmc attack, rcccvcs an nj ccton
Iromhs son. HcIccIsakndoIrcIcascoItcnson, " wrtcshsn-
vcntor, RogcrMartnduCard, a nccdIorrcstthatwascxqustc
bccausc thcrc was no Iatguc aIongwth t. Hc had not stoppcd
thnkngoIhsdcath,butnow,sncchc hadstoppcdbcIcvngn
dcathundcrthccIIcctsoIthcn]ccton,tbccamcpossbIcIorhm,
cvcnagrccabIc, to spcakaboutt. " AII agng pcrsons, cvcn whcn
IccInghcaIthyand robust, arcaPcrcThbauIt, acccptnghs dcath
as anobj cctvc cvcntwhcncvcrt docsntthrcatcnhm drcctIy
andsayngto hmscII, NaturaIIy, !wIIdcbuttwIIstIItakca
goodwhIc Iorthat"whch mcans thc samc thngasa vast, un-
magnabIyIongtmc. Hc gocs nto convuIsons, wthouthopc,
whcncvcrhcrcaIIythnkshcsstandngatthcIrontcranddcath
ntsncgatvtysthconIyauthcntcthngrcmanngtohm. Just
126 ON A GING
a IttIcmnutcIongcr, Mr.Exccutoncr, " mpIorcdthc Countcss
DubarryonthcscaIIoId.Hcrrcqucsthasthcsamcmcanngasthc
Fnnsh praycr. !ts ancxprcssonoIthc samc tragccrror, that
postponcmcnt mcans canccIIaton and that thc ncxt momcnt
couIdntjustascasIy,nthcsamcradcaIandrrcvocabIcway,bc,
Ikcthsonc,hcrIast.ThctnystrctchoItmcIromoncmomcnt
tothcncxt, whcnonIyanothcrrcsptcsgrantcd,hasthc samc
mcssynhntyasthc ycarorthc dccadcthathumanbcngsstII
hopcIorthcmscIvcs.
ThcagngIvc onn a IaIsccompromscwththc nabIty oI
cscapngthcrcondton, rcaIzcdatwhatcvcr occasonthcyhrst
IcIt thcmscIvcs to bc agng. But n tcIIng thcmscIvcs thcsc taII
storcs oI thcr compromsc, thcy arc not dcspcabIc Iars, and
thcrmauvaise foi snotthatoIcommonswndIcrs.Tobcsurc, thc
untruth wth whch thcy compIy, thc bad compromsc nto
whchthcycntcr,sonIythcpsychccountcrpart oIjustthscon-
sttuton
Iorccd Irom thc absurdty oI thcr IundamcntaI

condton. thc morcproIoundIythc Ialsc, orpcrhapsbcttcr. thc
morc thatwhchIaIshcs-dcath-ovcrshadows thcm, thc IaIscr
thcr IIcwIIbc. Thc closcr thc No gcts to thcm, thc morcds-
tortcd and nsnccrc thcr Ycs bccomcs. Whcncvcr thc rng oI
constrcton, oIangush, cIoscsaroundthcm, prcssng hardcrand
hardcr, somcthng compcIs thcm, cvcr morc hopcIcssly and
thcrcIorc morc dcspcratcIy and dshoncstIy, toward cxploson
and dstancc. Thcy sayto thc momcnt. Stayl "-andknowthat
t's not bcautIuI and that t won't comc to a stop wth thcm.
ThcypIaymanydIIcrcnt roIcs-thc bravc oncs, thcquctIy sur-
rcndcrng, thc strrcd up n panc, thc proud rcbcIs-and thcy
can'tmakcany oIthcrntcrprctatons bclcvabIc, snccthcyarc
rcgstcrcdnaIltcxtsas unbcIcvablc and unpIayabIc.Thcythnk
about dcathanddyng, puIIngthcm apartandthcnputtng thcm
1 27 I To Live with Dying
back togcthcr agan, thcy scparatc thc aIcn dcath by murdcr
Iromthcrntmatc cncmy, sIowIy accrung to thcm,thcybrood
ovcr thcr Icar and thc tmc pcrod accordcd to thcr dcccptvc
soIacc. !ts aII n van. Thc absurdty oI dcath ncgatcs whatcvcr
thcy thnk up Ior thcmscIvcs but urgcs thcm on wth thcr
thnkng. Thccarcs thcyconsdcrarcthc uncIcarmrrormagcoI
thcrcarcs oI dcath, snccno onc canIcadaIIcwththc Iormcr
andsupprcss thc Iattcr. OncagngmanthnksoIhs grppc, oIhs
dcbts, oI hs unIathIuI Iovcr. And hcs not to thnk oI dcath,
cvcn I thc grppc s stIIcurabIc, thc dcbtpayabIc, thc IathIcss
woman rcpIaccabIc, whIc wth dcath, whch cnds cvcrythng,
nothng canbc donc? A. s up to hs ncck, up to hs mouth, n
thoughts oI dcath, whch wont rcIIcct much Itcrary crcdt on
hm. Onc shouId Icavc hm aIonc. Hcs anA. , anagng human
bcng, crcdt docsntmattcr to hm.
Whocvcrdocs notwanttodcyoung, has todc oId, " thats
oncoIthoscpIattudcsnwhchnonscnsc,proIundty, andcIarty
arcaIInagrccmcnt.Nooncwantstodc young, nooncwantsto
gct oId. thcrc wc havc thc compIcmcntary banaIty that onIy
hcghtcnswhatssuppIcmcntcdbythcunIathomabIc dmcnson
oIthcunacccptabIc aspccts oIascII-consumng cxstcncc thatwc
aIvays acccpt.Agng, throughvhchthcNotand thcun"oIour
cxstcnccmakcthcmscIvcsknownandbccomccvdcnttous,sa
dcsoIatc rcgon oI IIc, Iackng any rcasonabIc consoIaton, onc
shouIdnotIooIoncscII. !nagngwcbccomcthcworIdIcssnncr
scnscoIpurctmc.AsagngpcopIcwcbccomcaIcntoourbodcs
andatthcsamctmccIoscrtothcrsIuggshmassthancvcrbcIorc.
Whcnvchavc passcdbcyondthcprmcoIIIc, socctyIorbdsus
tocontnuc toprojcctourscIvcsnto thc Iuturc, and cuIturcbc-
comcs aburdcnsomccuIturcthatwcnoIongcrundcrstand, that
1 28 I ON A GING
nstcadgvcsustoundcrstandthat, asscrapronoIthcmnd,wc
bcIongtothcwastchcapsoIthccpoch.!nagng, hnaIIy,wchavc
toIvcwthdyng,ascandaIousmposton,ahumIatonwthout
comparc, thatwcputupwth,notnhumIty,butasthchumI-
atcd.AIIsymptomsoIthcncurabIc sckncsscanbctakcnbackto
thcncomprchcnsbIccIIcctsoIthcdcath-vruswchavcwhcnwc
cntcrthcworId.!twasnotvruIcntwhcnwcwcrcyoung.Wcccr-
tanIykncwoIt,buttddntmattcrto us. Wthagng, tcomcs
outoItsIatcncy. !ts ouraIIar, ouronIyonc, cvcn whcn t s
nothng, andthcmancItany,thcpoctcprattIcoIdcath, sstII
bcttcrthanthcIundamcntaIIyugIyktschoIthc dyIIc cvcnng
sun. OIdagc shouIdburnandravcatcIosc oI day," saysDyIan
Thomas.
HasA.doncsomcthngtodsturbthcbaIancc,cxposcthccom-
promsc,dcstroythcgcnrcpantng, contamnatcthcconsoIaton?
Hchopcs so. Thc daysshrnkanddryup. Hchasthc dcsrctotcII
thctruth.
NOTES
TRANSlLATOR
'
S I NTRODUCTI ON
1. .A Leopardi Reader, ed. and trans. Ottavio M. Casale ( Urbana: Uni
versity of Illinois Press, 1 98 1 ) , p. 2 1 5. The comment from the Pensieri
occurs on p. 1 89.
2. At the Mind's Limit: Contemplations by a Survivor on Auschwitz and
Its Realities, trans. Sidney Rosenfeld and Stella P. Rosenfeld, with an af
terword by Sidney Rosenfeld and a foreword by Alexander Stille (New
York: Schocken Books, 1 990), p. 20.
3. Der integrale Humanismus: Aufsatze und Kritiken eines Lesers,
1966-1978, ed. with an afterword by Helmut Heissenbiittel ( Stuttgart:
Klett-Cotta, 1 985) , pp. 21 9, 22 1 .
4 . Radical Humanism: Selected Essays, ed. and trans. Sidney Rosenfeld
and Stella P. Rosenfeld (Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1 984), p. 3 .
5. Jenseits von Schuld und Suhne: Bewiltigungsversuche eines Uberwiltigten
(Munich: Szczesny, 1 966); frst published in English as At the Mind's Limits
in the translation of Sidney Rosenfeld and Stella P. Rosenfeld by Indiana
University Press in 1 980.
6. Radical Humanism, p. 5.
7. Charles Bovary, Landarzt: Portrat eines einfachen Mannes ( Stuttgart:
Klett-Cotta, 1978) .
8. Hand an sich legen: Diskurs aber den Freitod ( Stuttgart: Klett, 1 976) .
9. Text Kritik 99: Jean Amery (July 1 988), p. 67.
10. "Jean Amery's essay Uber das Altern: Ein Dialog mit franz6sischen
Dichtern und Denkern," in Uber Jean Amer, ed. Irene Heidelberger
Leonard ( Heidelberg: Carl Winter, 1 990), pp. 79-90.
1 1 . Text Kritik 99, p. 69.
PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITI ON
1 . Allusion t o the play Der Verschwender (The spendthrift) by Ferdi
nand Raimund ( 1 790-1 836) .
1 30 Notes
PREFACE TO THE FI RST EDI TI ON
1 . Vladimir Jankelevitch: La mort (Paris, 1 967) . Herbert Pliigge:
Wohlbefnden und MiJbefnden (Tiibingen, 1 962) ; Der Mensch und sein Leib
(Tiibingen, 1 967) . Andre Gorz: Le vieillissement, in Les Temps Modernes, nos.
1 87 and 1 88. [Amery's note]
EXI STENCE AND THE PAS S AGE OF TIME
1. Allusion to the poem "Tristan, " by August von Platen ( 1 796-
1 83 5 ) .
2. Allusion to Faust, by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ( 1 749-1832) :
according to his pact with Mephistopheles, Faust would forfeit his soul
if he ever became satisfed and asked time to stop for a moment,
saying, "Verweile doch, du bist so schon" (Tarry a while, you are so
lovely) .
3. The frst line of a poem by walther von der Vogelweide ( c.
1 1 70-1 230), written late in his life.
4. Allusion to the opening of Joseph and His Brothers by Thomas Mann
( 1 875-1 955) .
5. Eugene Ionesco, Exit the King in Plays, vol. 4, trans. Donald Watson
( London: John Calder, 1 963) , p. 35.
6. Allusion t o the poem "Hyperions Schicksalslied" (Hyperion's song
of destiny) by Friedrich Holderlin ( 1 770-1 843) .
7. Monk of Heisterbach: Caesarius von Heisterbach (c. 1 1 80-1 240), a
monk who wrote moral tales.
STRANGER TO ONESELF
1. This quotation and the two that follow, from Simone de Beauvoir,
Force o!Circumstance, trans. Richard Howard (New York: Putnam, 1 965) ,
p. 656.
2. Apparently Herbert Pligge.
3. Signor Settembrini and "life's young problem child" (Hans Cas
torp) : characters in Thomas Mann's novel The Magic Mountain.
THE LOOK OF OTHERS
1 3 1 Notes
1 . Allusion to the title of a chapter in The Magic Mountain about the
death of Hans Castorp's cousin, a soldier.
2. Theodor Fontane: German novelist ( 1 81 9-1 898), all of whose
novels were written after he turned ffty-nine.
3. The frst line of a poem "Verborgenheit" ( Seclusion) , by Eduard
M6rike ( 1 804-1 875) .
NOT TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD ANYMORE
1 . Lettrism: a literary movement that tried to fnd poetry in the let
ters of the alphabet by emphasizing graphic sequences, often without
apparent meaning.
2. Witch's one-times-one ( Hexeneinmaleins) : Goethe's Faust, line
2, 552, where the witch in the scene "Witch's Kitchen" declaims nonsense
verse about the magic use of numbers.
3. Theodor Lessing ( 1 872-1 933) and Ludwig Klages ( 1 872-1 956) :
German thinkers well known i n the German-speaking world i n the
1 920s.
4. The German word here is hold, meaning "lovely" and "sweet. " The
English word "comely," with its combination of poetic, archaic, and
morally proper connotations comes as close as possible to hold, which
contains all those connotations with perhaps greater intensity.
5. Christian Sinding ( 1 856-1 941 ) : Norwegian composer. Detlev von
Liliencron ( 1 844-1 909) and Theodor Storm ( 1 81 7-1 888) were poets
widely read in the German-speaking world during the early years of the
twentieth century. After 1 800, HOlderlin's poetry underwent a dramatic
transformation that has defned his modern reputation.
6. Allusions to HOlderlin's poem "Halfte des Lebens" (Half of life) and
the use of an imaginary language by the poet Richard Dehmel
( 1 863-1 920) .
7. Andreas Gryphius ( 1 6 1 6-1 664) : German poet and dramatist.
8. Cf. Goethe's "Selige Sehnsucht" (Blessed yearning) .
9 . Allusion (also in the title of this chapter) to the fnal words of the
play Maria Magdalene by Friedrich Hebbel ( 1 81 3 -1 863) .
1 32 I Notes
TO LI VE WITH DYI NG
1 . "Hoch solI er leben" i s a German equivalent of "For he's a jolly good
fellow," but it contains in it the suggestion that one should live to a ripe
old age (ein hohes Alter) and is therefore actually less of a "metaphorically
empty" phrase than "Requiescat in pace" (Rest in peace) .
Jean Amery was born in Vienna in 1 91 1 as
Hanns Mayer. As a young man, he studied philoso
phy and wanted to be a novelist. When the Nazis
<:ame to power in Austria in 1938, he fled to Bel
gium and joined the resistance there. He was caught
distributing leaflets, tortured, and sent to Auschwitz.
He survived, and after the war he made his home in
Brussels, changing his name to Jean Amery. In 1966,
he published Jenseits von Schuld und Sihne (At the
Mind's Limits), a series of essays about his experi
ences in Auschwitz, which made him famous.
John D. Barlow is Dean of the School of Liberal
Arts at Indiana University-Purdue University at Indi
anapolis. He is a professor of English and German
and author of German Expressionist Film.

Amery, Jean - On Aging, Revolt and Resignation - 1968

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Amery, Jean - On Aging, Revolt and Resignation - 1968

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On Aging

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