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Derek Young Interpersonal Comm Karen Dunn Couple Talk

I choose to do the couple talk paper and discuss problems that I have with the girl that I date Heather. We have a very good relationship but like any relationship we do have our arguments about serious and very dumb things. I wanted to look into the relationship from a interpersonal stand point and see why some of our actions happen. Knowing that this deals with the events and the thoughts that happen because of those actions I thought I was interesting to put some problems to see what exactly happened. There are parts of our relationship that does tie into many of the 10 commandments and cognitive distortions. The most popular negative patterns that I see from these two lists is the part of the commandments to avoid the history of the other persons relationships and we usually just yell at each other rather than explain our feelings to each other. I can honestly say that Heather does bring out my history way to much or the people that I have dated. I do not understand why she does do it but I try and tell her about the fact that this is the best relationship that I have ever been in but it really doesnt register. I try not to bring up any of her past because I feel I treat her better than the past guys that she has dated. After learning about these commandments however it does make me think twice about the emotions that I feel or even she feels after we argue about something. The other most common negative pattern is the fact that when we are mad at each other. Depending on if we are even talking we usually just yell at each other instead of sitting down and trying to express and describe the other persons feelings. We just state the facts of what the argument is about instead of actually finding a easy way to a solution.

The 10 commandments of clean communication and the cognitive distortions are the two subjects that interested me the most. I listen to the lectures in class and think about all of the times that I have gotten in argument with Heather and never really thought about what I should or shouldnt say or even what her feelings and motives are towards the relationship. Just seeing it on paper makes me think about how many times I am selfish in the arguing process and how I usually do the its my way or the highway actions. However if I am proved wrong I will not be jerk about it. It is interesting to me to see how much of the emotion and feelings that people leave out when people argue in a relationship. I can say that I have thought about where the other person is trying to come from but I never have looked at it from their stand point and thought about the emotions that they are going through besides me. Being that I usually like to be a relationship that things are done fairly and respectful towards each other I was looking forward to trying and get inside the relationship on a interpersonal level. The 10 commandments were very funny to look at because Im looking through them saying that almost everyone in a relationship has done the majority of these. There has been a time where people put the blame on someone even though it was not their fault whether it was a friend or a significant other. The judgmental words and global labeling is done by someone in a relationship all the time, no matter what the problem is that has come up. I can think of no matter what relationship I have been in whether friend or girlfriends that I have been labeled by some action or someone calling me a bad name. I feel like that is just something that humans do, they label each other through the actions that we portray to the public. Body language is something that i would have rarely thought about until I really focused on it after taking this class. Of course I can say that I have picked up on it before but never really thought that I processed it and caused me to judge another person. Another that has made me think about is trying not to lash

out at someone but instead express my feelings and emotions of their actions or the fight that is going on. Personally, I am the type of person that when I get angry about something it doesnt really matter what happens after that I am going to say what is on my mind. I never really think about the emotions of the other person or the actions that may come from me speaking my mind. Looking at these commandments is a very good way to think about what you yourself say and the actions that come from things that you do. For the cognitive distortions part of the chapter it is neat to read about how you are so worried about your emotions and feelings that you rarely even think about the other persons feelings or motives. Sometimes your own motives make you think why would I even say that knowing that it was a dumb comment or an action that you may have done. These cognitive distortions really tie the pieces together with physical and mental aspects of the relationship. An example is say two people split up and someone can literally become sick to their stomach because of how hurt they can be. There is a physical aspect that is caused from a mental problem that your body has. I can say that I have never really thought about anything like that so seeing it down on paper and having it explained to me is something to think about the next time that I am getting in a fight with someone or feel that physical side of the problem.

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Event Going uptown with the guys, she wants to come

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4.

5.

Thought I dont mind having her there but have a better time with just the guys. She lied about going on a date If she would have with someone before we been upfront with started dating. me back then we wouldnt have had a problem. Dont see why it matters as long as she was truthful with me. Went out to dinner, got in It doesnt really argument about a person in matter cause I am my past. She brought it up not with her saying I never did this to her. anymore and happy that I am not. I have never done anything behind your back or to try and hurt you. She wants to go out to dinner I dont mind her with the girls instead of having girls hanging out with me. nights but since I play a sport in college and have to be awake at 530 3 days a week I would like to see her on certain nights. Ex girlfriend tries to get a ride I said no right home with us and my group away to her but of friends still I am the one that gets in trouble like I could control the action of someone else.

Feelings Annoyed

Distortion Recognizing Internal Monologues Right/Wrong dichotomizing.

Anger

Ticked off

Assumed Intent.

Hurt

Assumed Intent

Annoyed

Control Fallacies

1. As my whole group of friends is going uptown I have no problem with her being there

but I really do not want to be the only guy there with their girlfriend. We never have any problems when we go out to a bar. We both respect the other person but I have never done anything to her and I dont ever tell her not to see her friends. She feels hurt because I want to hang out with just my friends and not go out with her. I understand that she doesnt want to sit in by herself while I go off and have a good time. For this example I said that I was recognizing internal monologues because I was using basically what I had inside my head compared to what she was thinking. In my head I was thinking it was my way or the highway. My assumption for her feelings is that in all of her past relationships the guys treated her like she was a princess and walked on water. I have no problem treating her well and I think that I do a very good job. I just can never see myself kissing someones butt like that or the way that she was in the past. No, she is not always like this or rarely does she ever act like she is high maintenance but it does come out every now and then. Maybe I am using tunnel vision because I am seeing only what I basically want and not thinking about her feelings but I dont intend on hurting her or doing anything to hurt our relationship. I just wanted a night out with my friends.
2. We have been dating now for close to a year. I tend to crack jokes about her past nothing

to hurt feelings but just to get a reaction out of her. She has never lied to me about anything so I was very caught off guard about what she said one night about a date that she went on before we dated. I have been in every type of relationship you can imagine good bad and horrible. So I have always thought that if everyone is just straight up about everything and doesnt hid anything no matter what the situation is. So after she said she went out on a date with this guy before we started talking I was upset because she had

never mentioned it before. She has been more honest with me than any girl probably in my past. My point of view is that she just didnt tell me about it when she should have even though it was so long ago. I felt hurt about it. I felt that the right/wrong dichotomizing because of the way that I was just jumping to a conclusion and not hearing her side of the story. She went on to explain that it was way before we ever dated and she never thought that it would make me mad. There was no alternate behavior I think behind her reasoning just that she didnt feel it was necessary to tell me back then because it wasnt my business to worry about yet. I have never really thought about her doing anything behind my back so I cant say that I would ever think she would ever keep something from me no matter how small the matter may be.
3. As we are going out to dinner one night a topic comes up how I would never think about

texting other girls while I was dating a former girlfriend. So going through my head I am thinking that I have never texted another girl with the intent of trying to date someone or hook up with someone while I have been dating you. I may by using Assumed Intent because I really do not know why she is brought this topic up in the first place. Thinking that this is a ridiculous argument. I have always let her go through my phone if she has ever thought that something was going on. I know that I have never even texted another girl like that while we have been dating. I have told her many times how much better our relationship was than the last relationship was or the one that she is referring too. I do not think that she has ever been cheated on in her past so I do not see why she is bringing up this topic. Maybe she feels threatened by my ex herself considering she is an intimidating figure to some girls. I have never asked her why she worries about her because I have always felt so strong and confident about our relationship and never

realized why she sometimes brings up old history in cases of serious matter. I do not see why there would be any problems that she may have to back up her reasoning for being concerned about this girl I have never done anything while we have been dating. I would say that maybe I am using tunnel vision in this situation because she is upset about something and I would not want to feel hurt if I was in her shoes and concerned about a person in her past. I dont usually try and generalize her with other girls for the simple fact that she has treated me better than any girl I have ever been with so I usually dont think outside the box about our relationship.
4. Since I play lacrosse here at school I have to be up on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday

for early morning workouts at 5:30 on those days. So on the days that I get to sleep in we usually stay up late the night before and spend the time together. Well one night she wanted to hang out with the girls and have the normal wine night. I usually have no problem with her seeing her friends or not hanging out with me but I was going home for fall break and was leaving that Friday. A lot of the time it is her being the one who wants to spend all time with me. I wanted to see her before I left to go home so I felt that I had a very good argument. She may have a very good argument because of the fact that I do choose to go out with the guys many times than going out with her. I can be very hard headed when it comes to relationships and especially if I am confident about the way that she feels about me. So she may have a good argument comparing the two of us and our actions. One thing that I could see is that we had got into a small fight about something that day. She tries to make me be the one to apologize first but that is usually not how I work if I think I am right. This action is usually not the case with her trying to make me mad or jealous, this is just a onetime thing I assume. She could be going over to talk to

the girls about the problem but she usually comes to me if there is any breakdown in communication. I dont see any positive part of the problem except for the fact that I would never want her to be dependent of me. I would never want to be in one of those relationships where she just does everything through me. I dont want to say its general but I usually just wait for her to come to me if she is mad because thats what I am used to but maybe I should go to her instead of being a hard head about everything all the time. 5. One Saturday we are leaving a bar uptown and a friend of ours has come to pick us up. Well my ex girlfriend happened to be walking out of the bar right at the time our friend pulls up and I begin talking to him. She comes over and asks if we can drive her home and right away I say no. The girlfriend sees this from a far and doesnt like the situation. Right away I know that I am going to get in trouble like control fallacies. Whether it was actually my fault or just the situation it was going to be me the one who would end up getting blamed for this happening. Instead of asking me what happened before jumping to conclusions she came out lashed at me like I had provoked the problem. Instead of asking me I and could have explained she just started yelling at me like I was the one to start the conversation. She does not like the girl at all that had tried to talk to me, and I dont know if it is insecurity but there has never been a problem before in our relationship. My assumptions about the topic is simply that she is just worried about this one certain girl and fears her when it comes to me. I really dont understand why. Now if I was in her shoes I would have walked over and said something but it wouldnt probably have been very nice and would have asked straight up what was said. I wouldnt put the blame on her. I can see generalizing her in this situation because many girlfriends in the past have

gotten emotional while drinking if they think about another girl being with their boyfriend. Conclusion: Being a guy in a relationship I am usually just a hard headed idiot like most men probably are towards their relationship. After looking at these two chapters it makes me think twice during a argument and trying to figure out a situation coming from both aspects of the problem. Sitting in class listening to the powerpoint and thinking about about all of the commandments or distortions I have done or had happen to me in a relationship. It was interesting to see what communication researchers have found and to see their own results to a situation in relationships. These commandments and distortions teach you to see the relationship from both perspectives about the people arguing and the mental and physical actions that come from a personal relationship.

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