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Secrets of Couples Enjoying

Togetherness in Marriage

By
Dr. T.B. Neil, Ph.D., DD, RFM, CFLE
Copyright Dr. T.B. Neil, August 2002
ISBN 0-9731992-0-2
Printed in Canada

Genesis Institute
PO Box 5634, Ft. McMurray, Alberta, Canada T9H 3G6
E-mail: genesis.institute@shaw.ca
Website: ab-biz.com/tabernacleofpraise

Affiliation
Expression
Career
Accommodation
Logic
Dependence

Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage ..............................................................1

Autonomy
Instrumental
Family
Assertiveness
Emotion
Power

Female
Male

Struggles

External Stress Factors


Loss of job
Illness
Tragedy
Death
Others

Table of Contents

The Five Types of Couples (See Appendix 2 for Types) ..........................................3


Definitions of Couples Marriage Domains...............................................................5

Disengaged
Family

Couples Relationship Domain...................................................................................7


The Benefits of Marriage........................................................................................21
Ranking Marriages and Mentorships .......................................................................23
Life Experiences Based on Relationship Status.........................................................27

Copyright 1996 Dr. T.B. Neil

Cohesive Family

Fused Family

Friction Family

Society's Impact

Appendix 2

Family Circles

Changing Conjugal Lifestyle in Canada Census........................................................31


Cohabitation and Marriage Statistics in the USA ......................................................33
Practices Destructive to Relationship.......................................................................34
I Do Is Forever...................................................................................................39
16 Secrets of Happily Married Couples....................................................................39
6 Habits of Good Marital Communication................................................................40
8 Habits of Men that Love Their Wives ...................................................................41
6 Secrets to Strengthen Friendship as Couples ..........................................................41
7 Secrets of Becoming a Happy Couple ...................................................................42
10 Secret Dividends of Marriage .............................................................................42

Secrets of Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage

10 Critical Indicators of Couples Marriage Satisfaction ............................................44

Connected
Family

A Mans Greatest Fear ...........................................................................................44


Wives Fear to tell Husbands and rely on Intuition .....................................................45
Hers

Couple of Seconds Together of Daily Interaction ......................................................46


Secrets are the Greatest Bone of Contention between Couples....................................47
Appendix..............................................................................................................49
Basic Strengths and Weaknesses of Couple Types ....................................................49

Flow of
Historical Time

Family of
Origin

His
The Marriage

Pathology increases as the


circle moves outward

12 Ingredients for Renewed Courtship Recipe ..........................................................43

Family Circles.......................................................................................................50

50

Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage

q
q
q
q
q
q
q

Secret Concerns
Female partner's concerns
Male partner's priorities
No help shopping
q Two pay checks
No time for outdoor activities q Freedom of time
No holidays
q Growing in love
No time to go to the park
q Satisfying each other
No time for amusement
q Staying intimate
No time for sports
No devotion to us

Finding the right person to live with is not our goal. The goal is
tactics used to stay married. Mate retention without abuse,
misuse, or violence is the target. Each spouse valuing the other
and desiring their marriage to remain intact.
Tactics could include:
1. Mate attractiveness
2. Likeness of fidelity
3. Emotional support
4. Keeping appearance interesting
5. Economic stability
Individual differences in personality can be a starting point to
identify why one rejects the other. Understanding why people
leave or why they stay in a long-term relationship.
Some men see bonding as a trap, women see it as attachment. The
difference can lead to anxieties. Women need bonding to feel
fulfilled; men need detachment to feel
fulfilled.
Men and women each value love
equally but differ in ways of
achieving intimacy. It leaves women
confused and emotionally unhappy.
What men called trapped, women call
bonding. Men desire autonomy and
women desire intimacy. The clash is
evident.
Men do not talk about their feelings
as women do.
Men talk about

Secrets of Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage

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Secrets of Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage

themselves or their hobby/toys. Women tend to talk about


relationships, family, and rarely about their workplace.
Women talk a lot, give, take and listen. Men do not talk and rarely
listen well. The two have different interests and very little in
common to talk about. They never or rarely speak to each other.
Therefore, women tend to feel hurt and relate it to their parents or
girlfriends.

Secrets are the Greatest Bone of Contention between Couples

q
q
q
q

Often wives and husbands become victims of gender differences


and misunderstandings. She does not understand why so little
interest is shown in her interests, while he talks at length with his
male buddy.

q
q
q
q
q

Too often both feel hurt enough and obliged to defend their gender.
Couples rarely discuss how interest, relationship, role, finance and
other important marital issues are to be handled until there is a
crisis. It is assumed both have competence in all vital domains and
are ready to carry on the business of meeting needs and
expectations. However, the promise of a smooth future rarely
materializes in marriage.

q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q

Couples who plan to have long-term success in their marriage must


overcome some basic obstacles to their relationship.

q
q
q

q
q

q
q
q

Secrets of Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage

Secret Concerns
Female partner's concerns
Male partner's priorities
Having children a pain
q Career satisfaction
Fun-out and hasslein
q Leisure past times
Burdened and bothered
q Hobbies
One-sided responsibility
q Fun
Resentful of having to work q Sleep
Devoting time
q Sex
Spouse drifting apart
q Night outs
Pushed to the limit
q Friends
Nuisances
q Image maintenance
Transition conflicts
q Pay checks
Expenses
q Position on the job
Hurting in silence
q Freedom from annoyance
Wife doing all the work
q Time for social events
Divided house
q Exercising
Being adversaries
q Recognition
Controlling spouse
q Freedom of
movement for
One-sided routine
socializing
Pushed to the limit
q Togetherness
Belittled
q Keeping romance alive
Unequal housekeeping
q Not burdened with child care
q Self development
expectations
Drifting apart
q Opportunity to shop leisurely
Not available for me and the q Doing things with friends
q Visit the beach
children
Children viewed as a
q Go to festivals
q Visit to parks
hindrance
Sleep deficit
q Time for amusement
No recognition
q Sports together
Hard work
q Frequent vacations

Secrets of Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage

47

Couples must stop arguing over these issues:


Couple of Seconds Together of Daily Interaction
come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1. Couple of hugs together
2. Couple of satisfying sex together
3. Couple of close relating together
4. Couple of being closely knit as marriage partners
5. Couple of deeply committed intimacy
6. Couple of good taste conversation
7. Couple of devotional time together
8. Couple of leisure time away from home
9. Couple of walk in a pleasant mood window shopping
10. Couple aerobic together to stay in shape
11. Couple crawl in bed together to start the day right.

Secrets of Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage

46

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.

Partners spending habits


Housekeeping
Family etiquette
Silent treatment
Discipline
Separate accounts
Being too busy
Spending too little time together
The job keeping your spouse away
Debt
How and when to take vacation
Sexual dysfunction
Unresolved past

Secrets of Couples Enjoying Togetherness in Marriage