ARJUN NEEDS A WINGMAN By Oliver Bergh

This is the origin story of Arjun Mehra: Assembley Director.

(c) Oliver Bergh, 2012

oliverbergh@gmail.com

A KIND PROPOSITION ARJUN Hey girl, whats a fine girl like you do walking by herself? GIRL #1 (Coquettely) I dont know! I was hoping a nice guy like you could walk me the rest of the way home. ARJUN Oh, most definitely, shorty. GIRL #1 Shorty? ARJUN Uh, sorry, Ive been listening to a little bit too much T-Pain lately. GIRL #1 I love T-Pain! Whats your favorite song? ARJUN Oh! "Suicide" GIRL #1 (disgusted) Uh, what? ARJUN You know -- "Suicide!" He got infected with HIV an-GIRL #1 Ew. Just. Ew. ARJUN What? GIRL #1 Why couldnt you have just said "Im N Luv Wit a Stripper?" like all the other guys trying to selfishly get in my pants? ARJUN Well, I wanna get to know you, too...

(CONTINUED)

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2.

GIRL #1 What are you, gay? ARJUN Wha-GIRL #1 Just, leave me alone. GIRL #1 storms off. Arjun is left alone. Hes upset. ARJUN What the hell did I do wrong... Ill call Ollie. ARJUN gets out his phone. Calls OLLIE. ARJUN Yo, Ollie? SPLIT-SCREEN: OLLIE IN ONE LOCATION, PREFERABLY A PARTY, ARJUN ON LOCATION OLLIE Arjun! Whats up there, dog! ARJUN I just got snubbed by this chick. What am I doing wrong? OLLIE Man, youre the nice guy -- aint nothing wrong with that. ARJUN So what do I do? Start acting like a dick? OLLIE Nah, man, you get someone else to act like a dick and talk you up. A wingman. ARJUN Dude, thats perfect! Will you be my wingman? OLLIE hangs up. Within seconds, a car speeds right next to ARJUN. OLLIE gets out of the car, and punches ARJUN right in the face.

(CONTINUED)

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3.

ARJUN What the fuck?! OLLIE How dare you even bring up the probability I wouldnt be your wingman! Get in the car, lets holla at some sluts. ARJUN and OLLIE get in the car. They drive off. END SCENE.

4.

HOLLAING AT SLUTS WIDE: BRIDGEPORT VILLAGE. HUSTLIN AND BUSTLIN WITH SLUTS AND BROS. ARJUN and OLLIE roll up and look around. ARJUN Holy Hell. Look at all these sluts. OLLIE Shut up. You dont believe in hell, youre athiest. ARJUN I believe in sluts. OLLIE I dont. I pretend every sexual experience I have is just a bad, bad dream. CLOSE UP: OLLIES FACE, LOOKING OFF INTO THE SUNSET. ARJUN They probably were dreams -- hey oh! OLLIE ...I wish... CLOSE UP: SAME EXACT CLOSE UP OF OLLIES FACE. OLLIE and ARJUN walk up to the movie theater. There are sluts abound. CHORUS OF SLUTS Hay-eyyyyyyyy! OLLIE Whats up, you dirty heathens? CHORUS OF SLUTS (nonsensical slutisms) ARJUN Dude, how do you do it? OLLIE Do what?

(CONTINUED)

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5.

ARJUN Talk to these sluts? OLLIE Its easy. I hate them with all my life and soul. They respond to that hate with affection, wishing they could change me. But thats a solo dynamic. With you here, theyll hate me, and like you. Thats how wingmanning works. ARJUN Well, lets do this. OLLIE Pick your prey. ARJUN picks some slut. They approach her. She has two friends to either side. OLLIE Whats happening, ladies? PREY Why hello there -- whos this, tall, dark and handsome? ARJUN Hey, my name is Arjun, how you doing? FRIEND #1 Shes doing, fine, isnt that right, Gwen? OLLIE (to PREY) Youre names Gwen? Thats just made my testicals drop from old age. (to FRIEND #1) Also, I know you want my jock: lay off. ARJUN Ollie, dont say stuff like that. OLLIE Whatever, slut.

(CONTINUED)

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6.

FRIEND #1 Whatever, ass. ARJUN So, Gwen, whatcha doing here, besides being fine? PREY (giggle) Just seeing a movie with my friends! Wanna come with? OLLIE Hed love to, bitch. FRIEND #1 Whyd you call her a bitch? ARJUN Yeah, why? OLLIE You know -- I could be playing lacrosse right now. FRIEND #1 Oh great, youre a lax bro. OLLIE Im whatever I need to be, slut OLLIE breaks out a random bottle of champagne. Pours it on THE SLUTS. FRIEND #1 What the hell! OLLIE I do what I want, slut! ARJUN Dont call her slut, Ollie OLLIE Shut up, fag. ARJUN Dude, what the-FRIEND #1 Ive had enough with you! Stacey, help me out!

(CONTINUED)

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7.

OLLIE, FRIEND #1 and FRIEND #2 start to get into what appears a scuffle, but ends up being a three-way makeout session, they go off screen. PREY Oh. Well, sense I guess I just got two free seats, wanna come with me? ARJUN You bet it. The two walk into the movie. OLLIE is seen walking away with the two ladies. END SCENE.

8.

AFTERTHOUGHT ARJUN Wait... Ollie got to make out with two chicks... I only got to snuggle in a movie with one. Fuck that, Imma be an asshole. ARJUN puts on way-fayers, a large jersey, and picks up a lacrosse stick. FINAL END.