The Family Journal

http://tfj.sagepub.com Working Effectively and Efficiently with Couples

Arnold A. Lazarus The Family Journal 2000; 8; 222 DOI: 10.1177/1066480700083002 The online version of this article can be found at: http://tfj.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/8/3/222

Published by:
http://www.sagepublications.com

On behalf of:

International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors

Additional services and information for The Family Journal can be found at: Email Alerts: http://tfj.sagepub.com/cgi/alerts Subscriptions: http://tfj.sagepub.com/subscriptions Reprints: http://www.sagepub.com/journalsReprints.nav Permissions: http://www.sagepub.com/journalsPermissions.nav Citations http://tfj.sagepub.com/cgi/content/refs/8/3/222

Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008

Lazarus / WORKING WITH COUPLES THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES / July 2000

v Articles

Working Effectively and Efficiently With Couples

Arnold A. Lazarus Center for Multimodal Psychological Services

The field of couples therapy suffers from a dearth of empirically supported materials. Anecdotes, conjecture, and hearsay abound. This article discusses several myths and underscores some active ingredients of effective couples counseling. The adjunctive value of bibliotherapy is presented and the interactions among such components as similarity, compatibility, mood, disposition, temperament, and communication are elucidated. Clinical vignettes illustrate and bring to life several crucial issues and principles.

HOW FAR HAVE WE COME? Recently, at an informal social gathering, our hostess invited me to expound on the topic of couples therapy. She knew that I was preparing a talk on the subject for the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. My confreres at this assemblage were two engineers, a physicist, a personnel manager, two registered nurses, a homemaker, a novelist, an attorney, an architect, and an accountant. I commenced with what was greeted as a rather pedestrian observation. I emphasized that people enter into relationships with a large variety of expectationsboth overt and covertand that if their expectations are not adequately met, troubles are likely to erupt. I was about to point out that the main sources of these expectations include the home background, especially the parents marriage, ethnic/cultural traditions, the mass media, and various encounters during childhood and adolescence, but before I had the opportunity to embellish my opening comment, a lively discussion ensued. If there is a topic that people from virtually all walks of life have much to say about, it is the subject of relationshipsespecially marriage or couples. Despite the fact that the participants were not professional psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, or counselors, their observations, reflections, opinions, and positions were germane and pertinent. I have long been aware that many of our grandparents and great grandparents offered wise counsel and made astute observations and insightful comments on many couple issues. They also interposed decisive interpretations, including effective ways and means of repairing marital ruptures. Of course, throughout most of Western civilization,

marriages have changed from the traditional gender-based roles (men worked outside the home while women attended to the domestic and child-rearing responsibilities) to egalitarian, or what Carlson and Dinkmeyer (1999) term companionate marriages. Nevertheless, many of the old stand-bys still hold true vis--vis loving, cooperative, and considerate partnerships. Today, there are, as I am sure you well know, an overabundance of books, tomes, and scholarly papers on the subject of couples therapy, but I wonder how much hard data we have amassed. I have more than two dozen books on marriage and couples therapy in my private library. Selecting five classics, let us ask how far the field has advanced since Van de Velde (1930) wrote Ideal Marriage, Dreikurs (1946) wrote The Challenge of Marriage, Lederer and Jackson (1968) published The Mirages of Marriage, Bach and Wyden (1969) brought out The Intimate Enemy, and since Stuart (1980) published his 400-page opus, Helping Couples Change. The answer, in my opinion, is that we have not come as far as one might have anticipated or hopeddespite some seminal studies and observations by Neil Jacobson (whose premature demise is a tragedy for us all), and notwithstanding the significant work of Bernard Guerney in Maryland, Alan Gurman in Wisconsin, Daniel OLeary in New York, Gerald Patterson and Robert Weiss in Oregon, and the elaborate research of John Gottman in Seattle. A couple is such a multifaceted and evanescent entity that it is difficult to pinpoint an assessment and treatment sequence that covers all bases. Adding my own clinical experience to what the aforementioned giants in the field have underscored, I hope to point the way to a straightforward but effective assessment and treatment trajectory. IN SEARCH OF ACTIVE INGREDIENTS At a meeting of postdoctoral trainees in clinical psychology, couples therapy was the focus of a discussion, and a question was raised regarding the single most important ingredient of a successful twosome. Many pointed to similarityan essential component of compatibilityas the sine qua non for conjugal happiness. (I strongly recommend Hamburgs [2000] book Will Our Love Last? for a full and insight222-228

THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES, Vol. 8 No. 3, July 2000 2000 Sage Publications, Inc. 222
Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008

Lazarus / WORKING WITH COUPLES

223

ful perspective on the elements of compatibility.) All agreed that if opposites attract, this is generally short-lived because essential differences are bound to emerge and prove disruptive. Several discussants stressed that the important ingredients of a relationship include similar tastes in mundane matters (e.g., furniture, food, music, movies) to important personal and ideological issues, be it sex, ethical standards, and a range of comparable expectations, attitudes, and beliefs. They emphasized that without a high level of basic agreement and compatibility, no amount of negotiation or compromise will result in conjugal joy. Others waxed eloquent on the necessity of mutual dependability and trust. At this juncture, a senior and seasoned clinician self-disclosed that his first marriage, which ended in divorce after a couple of years, had satisfied all the compatibility criteria as well as the other aforementioned factors. He stated that he and his wife had enjoyed a high level of intellectual compatibility both were doctoral-level mental health practitioners with similar theoretical orientations. They loved the theater, enjoyed the same music, were politically in full agreement, had the same religious outlook and similar tastes in food, wine, people, recreational activities, sports, and hobbies. They were ardent hikers, active members of a chamber music group, and they had a passion for visiting art museums in France and Italy. Their sex life was exciting and satisfying. So what could possibly have gone wrong? Our colleague claimed that his ex-wife had a vicious and violent temper that was easily triggered by minor events. She would explode with rage and often behaved like the Tasmanian Devil. He added, She would go ballistic at unexpected moments for the most trivial reasons. He had seen her unleash her temper at her parents and siblings, but he only became the recipient of her full fury several months into the marriage. A course of therapy, both medical and psychological, was instituted but proved unsuccessful. Despite all her charm and other positive attributes, he felt that he was simply unwilling to be subjected to her rage and fury for the rest of his life, and he sued for divorce. The moral of the story from his perspective is that mood, disposition, and temperament are the most important variables, and that the first attribute to look for in a potential mate is sweetness and light. Less tritely, he stated that temperamental compatibility is more important than compatibility of interests. THE HARD-WORK MYTH Marriage has often (incorrectly) been equated to a garden. Planning and effort are needed to cultivate a beautiful gardenfertilize the soil, till the ground, plant the seeds, water regularly, eliminate the weeds, prune and trim. Should a marriage be any different? How can a couple stay happily married without sustained effort? I have often heard people, including many marriage counselors, assert that good marriages

demand vigilant exertion. Couples, they maintain, at the very least, must learn active listening and other effective communication skills and must apply them daily. They say that we have to strive and keep on striving to maintain any worthwhile or meaningful relationship. Many people believe that it requires hard work for couples to stay on course. This is untrue in my view. Marriages that fall apart unless the partners maintain it with persistent thought and effort should probably never have taken place in the first instance. During the past 40 years, I have seen innumerable couples in premarital, marital, and divorce counseling. The marriages that fell apart were not those wherein the partners were too lazy to work at it. Factors such as habituation, stress, and economic pressures often played a major role. Many couples were so unsuited to each other from the start that intensive marital therapy could, at best, replace overt hostility with a tedious and enervating alliance. A case history might clarify my thesis. A couple, let us call them Steve and Carol, both in their mid-20s, had been married for 2 years. They had dated for more than a year, but their basic differences only surfaced on their honeymoon. Steve wanted to go sailing; boats made Carol seasick. Carol wanted to socialize with other honeymooners; Steve wanted her company alone. He was a night person; she was a morning person. Soon their catalog of differences escalated into major conflicts. They both felt hurt, angry, and misunderstood by the other. Within a year, their marriage had grown so stormy that the topic of divorce loomed large. That is when they came for marriage counseling. The counseling sessions dwelled on constructive methods of reaching specific agreements, avoiding hidden agendas, forming open negotiations, resolving conflicts, and developing quid pro quo interactions (e.g., I promise to go with you to the ballet [which I hate] if you will go sailing with me [which you hate]). After eight counseling sessions, Steve and Carol had stopped fighting. No harsh words passed between them. Steve stated, We dont argue any more, we debate. We compromise. We draw up contracts with each other when differences arise. Carol added that they had become expert and quintessential negotiators. At this juncture, it appeared that counseling had been a success. In place of blaming, judging, accusing, faultfinding, demanding, and attacking, they now used praise, compliments, discussions, and displayed good listening skills. Reciprocity had replaced coercion. Carol commented plaintively, But its such hard work! Steve nodded affirmatively. Several weeks later, Carol called. She said:
Its no use. We have traded in our noisy battles for hard labor. We have stopped colliding but we haggle over every decision. We are still getting along well, but the spark has gone. We have sex but we are not lovers. I feel alone and lonely in this relationship.

Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008

224

THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES / July 2000

They decided to work toward an amicable divorce. The decision to divorce seldom comes easily. Steve and Carol sought additional guidance from their pastor. Almost 2 years later they obtained a no-fault divorce, and both remarried within a year. By chance, I met Steve at a shopping mall about 3 years later. He indicated that he had learned from his mistakes and was married to an intelligent, loving, easy-going woman with whom he saw eye-to-eye. He added, I never have to use any of the stuff I learned in marriage counseling. My wife and I just get along. Marriage counseling can make good marriages even better by training couples to enhance their listening skills and their positive communication styles and by teaching a constructive process for resolving conflict. Through very hard work, it can often transform a bad marriage into a livable truce. Nevertheless, conjugal joy will be seriously undermined when couples differ vis--vis child rearing (or the desire to have children), sexual tastes and preferences, money matters, people, food, recreation, politics, religion, and other basic values. As already mentioned, if such couples elect to stay together, perhaps for religious or financial reasons, they are the ones who will need to expend considerable time and energy and undergo active marriage counseling to try and make their lives more bearable. SEEING EYE TO EYE Jim and Mary exemplify another scenario with which we are all too familiar. Jim is a golf and football fanatic. He tries to play golf as often as possible and watch football whenever he can. Mary loves attending the opera, visiting art galleries, and going to classical concerts, and she views Jims pastimes with contempt. Marriage counseling could teach her to stop demeaning and castigating Jim for his asinine, juvenile, anti-intellectual predilections. She could learn to drop her pejorative attitude and simply go with friends to the opera, museums, or concerts while he plays golf and watches football, but think how much more pleasant it would for her if Jim shared her interests. Or consider how much happier Jim might feel married to a woman who loved to watch football. Honey, she might say, do you realize that this weekend the games start on Friday night and go right through to midnight on Sunday? Lets load up on popcorn, sodas, pretzels, and beers, turn off the phones, and veg out in front of the TV. It is, of course, impossible and probably inadvisable to marry a clone, but a couple with mutually pleasant dispositions, basic similarities, physical attraction, and a genuine fondness for each other will not find the divorce court or the marriage therapists office likely to loom around the corner. THE NEED FOR EMPIRICAL SUPPORT Throughout the field of counseling and psychotherapy, the movement toward empirically supported methods has underscored the fact that in many areas, there are treatments of

choice, that is, specific methods for particular disorders. In couples therapy, skills training has received a good deal of attention and support. Nevertheless, throughout the fields of general therapy and marital therapy, some of the most widely disseminated ideas are based on conjecture and hearsay. For example, Harville Hendrix has gained widespread attention with regard to marriage and relationship enhancement. Three of his books, starting with Getting the Love You Want (Hendrix, 1988), were national best sellers. His workshops are oversubscribed and his other offerings (e.g., home videos) are also widely dispersed. His theoretical substrate seems to rest on psychodynamic notions, especially so-called object relations theory coupled with self-psychology, as well as various theological overtones. Marriage, he contends, is based on unmet childhood needs with a view to finishing childhood. People pair up, according to him, because their wishes for wholeness and connectedness were ruptured in childhood by need frustration (whatever this may mean). He calls his approach imago relationship therapy. He writes, Empirical research on Imago Relationship Therapy is still in its infancy, and admits that all he has to offer is anecdotal feedback (that) includes thank you letters and referrals from people who have worked with a certified Imago therapist (Hendrix & Hunt, 1999, p. 191). Nevertheless, on page 193 of the book we are told that Imago Relationship Therapy is effective with all couples, regardless of the difficulties in their relationships. It is imperative that we move beyond charisma, conjecture, anecdotes, and untestable theories. Gottman and Silver (1999) have an interesting section in their book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work titled Why Most Marriage Therapy Fails. They refer to the sweeping popularity of the notion (which they regard as a myth) that if couples learn to communicate better, all will be well. Many therapists maintain that if, in place of circular arguments, hurtful comments, trying to win, being right, and withdrawing, couples learn how to listen and hear one another calmly and lovingly, nearly all will be well. We have all been led to believe that through active listening, accurate paraphrasing, the use of I statements, and validation of each others perceptions, couples can learn to replace destructive anger with effective problem solving. Citing data-based studies, Gottman and Silver (1999) emphasize, The problem is that it doesnt work. Part of the reason for the failure of these conflict resolution techniques is that it is almost impossible for most couples to follow the procedures and do them well. But most important, Gottman and Silver (1999) state that most couples who have maintained happy marriages rarely do anything that even partly resembles active listening when theyre upset (p. 11). Instead, they are apt to carp, complain, challenge, and rebuke one another and may even escalate to a screaming match. The main difference between happy couples and dysfunctional ones is not the intensity of a disagreement, but the frequency and the aftermath. If the matter is dropped and quickly resolved when tempers cool down, all is

Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008

Lazarus / WORKING WITH COUPLES

225

well. If the issues fester and expand, the gunnysack of pent-up anger and resentment grows larger and additional troubles begin to brew. Given the comments that have been made about expectations, similarity, compatibility, mood, disposition, temperament, communication, and empirical validation, I will now discuss how to apply these concepts within a highly effective couples therapy format and sequence. THE FOCUS OF THE INITIAL SESSION WITH COUPLES Most of us will probably agree that we get to treat couples for one of three reasons.
1. While seeing someone individually, it becomes apparent that problems between the client and his or her significant other need to be addressedpreferably within a couples therapy format. 2. One member of a dyad calls to set up an appointment for the couple. 3. The couple is referred by a colleague.

In the first of these alternatives, we may have a pretty good idea of what to expect. In the other two instances, we have less to go on (despite the fact that we may have obtained preliminary facts on the phone, or our colleague may have furnished an oral or written report). Let us cite an actual case in point. Laura, a 42-year-old registered nurse married to Harold, a 45-year-old stockbroker, called for an appointment. She willingly disclosed that there were sexual problems, in-law interference, and differences in opinion on how best to discipline their 7-year-old son. She asked about my fee and we discussed their insurance coverage. When the couple arrived for their appointment, I greeted them in my waiting room, we shook hands, and went into my office. I pointed at two comfortable armchairs and asked the couple to take a seat. After making a note of formal details names, address, phone numbers, ages, occupations, length of relationship, date of marriage, names and ages of their children, whether either of them had been married previouslyI inquired about the problems that had led them to consult me. Often, in legalistic terms, there is a complainant and a defendant. Laura: Harold takes me for granted and it seems as if hed rather stay at the office than come home to me and the kids. Harold: Thats ridiculous. I very much appreciate what Laura does for me. As for spending too much time at the office, we are in the middle of a big work crunch right now. I delved further into their presenting dissatisfactions and heard their accounts of the various issues that troubled them. In addition to appreciating their individual perspectives, I also

observed their interactive style. The big question with all couples during an initial interview is whether one or both partners has some significant emotional or psychiatric problems that are coloring their perceptions and actions. Ellis (1962) emphasized that in most instances, unhappy marriages are a function of disturbed individuals, and that if couples are to be truly helped to live happily with each other they would first have to be shown how they could live peacefully with themselves (p. 2). A clear case in point concerned a couple who wanted marriage counseling, but when I learned that the husband had an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I recommended that we first treat him individually. (He would start his day at 4:30 a.m. so that he could arrange his shoes and socks, place them in a particular position, and then shower for 2 hours, after which he would carry out many other rituals.) A heroic combination of response prevention, flooding, participant modeling, thought stopping, and deep muscle relaxation, paired with various medications (prescribed and monitored by a psychopharmacologist) greatly diminished his OCD. (Note that empirically supported methods were administered.) Couples therapy was then instituted, although the attenuation of the husbands obsessive and compulsive behaviors was, in and of itself, a powerful factor in mitigating their marital distress. The point is obvious. When individual issues intrude significantly into the marriage, they first need to be addressed before meaningful couples therapy can be conducted. During the initial interview, it is also important to assess what each party feels about the other. I often deliver the following speech:
Id like to have a special telemetry device that could peer into your psyches and tell me exactly what feelings you have for each other. Lets say my computer printout revealed that one of you harbors a basic dislike for the other, and that far from love, there is not even a spark of affection or caring, my job would be simple and straightforward. Id recommend that we waste no time with marriage therapy but pursue a course of divorce counseling with a view to an amicable parting of the ways. But given the realities, I have to rely on your own statements.

In one case, this elicited a response from the wife, who said, Frankly, I feel nothing but contempt and disdain for my husband. In most instances, both partners tend to refer to their respective fondness for one another, whereupon it is advisable to elicit some of the intrinsic details that underlie their expressed affection. The answer being sought at this juncture is an unsentimental determination of whether the marriage is viable. When I feel that a marriage is bankrupt, I share this view with the couple but always emphasize that this is just my professional inference, may reflect my personal bias, and I urge them to get another opinion. When I reflect back over the years to the many (what have been called) gruesome twosomes I have treatedmarriages wherein the partners were

Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008

226

THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES / July 2000

at such loggerheads, so fundamentally unsuited to each other I feel guilty for having wasted their time and my own. Recapitulating The initial session:
1. examines presenting dissatisfactions; 2. determines if one or both partners may require individual therapy; 3. inquires about basic feelings and assesses the viability of the relationship, determines the main strengths and weaknesses, and lists common interests, as well as areas of incompatibility; and 4. if time permits, I also like to obtain a brief sketch of the entire history of the relationship: how and when they met, what attracted them to one another, how they related initially, and how their problems arose and developed.

special dish. When the chef explains, for example, how to separate the yolk and albumin of an egg, there is obviously nothing to feel embarrassed about. Similarly, when the couples therapist expounds on penile insertion, clitoral stimulation, and other intimate caresses, his or her style must be devoid of reticence, hesitation, or self-consciousness. There are three books I recommend. Leiblum and Rosens (2000) third edition of Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy is an excellent overview of the field. Milsten and Slowinski (1999) and Zilbergeld (1999) have written books on male sexuality that delve, very masterfully, into the realm of intimacy and relationships. They both provide a state-of-the-art account of sexual dysfunction and its remedies. FOCUSING THE INTERVENTIONS Typically, the second session begins with an update from the couple as to their impressions of our first meeting. They are also asked to provide an update (e.g., What sort of week have you had?) and given the opportunity to clarify or elaborate on any of the issues that we had discussed. I ask to see the completed questionnaires. If they have not been completed, this will become a topic of discussion, centering primarily on issues pertaining to their degree of motivation. Most couples, as already mentioned, have no problems complying with these simple tasks. Also, it takes but a few minutes for the therapist to glance through the completed questionnaires and find ample relevant material to discuss, as well as questions to raise for further elucidation. Between the second and third session I will scrutinize this material and make notes about impressions I wish to share and further questions I want to ask during the upcoming third meeting. In my experience, it pays to intervene as soon as a noteworthy issue arises and not wait until the basic assessment phase has been completed. Thus, if 5 minutes into the first session I notice one or both partners engaging in absolutistic reasoning or embracing a host of categorical imperatives, I address this immediately: You have far too many shoulds, oughts and musts floating around. This type of thinking is often destructive. I elaborate on this theme and very often give them one of my self-help books, and/or recommend some of the books or tapes by Ellis and his followers. A FEW WORDS ABOUT BIBLIOTHERAPY I have long pointed out that if a picture is worth a thousand words, certain books may be worth, not a thousand sessions, but give or take a dozen or two. My approach to therapy is highly educational, and the role of didactic and pedagogical strategies is prominent. My criticism of many books is that they are too wordy and the prose too turgid. It is daunting to pick up a 350-page book on overcoming procrastination (procrastinators who are willing or able to read such a book would probably not need it!) or to expect an anxious or depressed person to wade thorough bloated and tightly written pages of

At the end of the session, I usually hand each partner a copy of the Expanded Structural Profile and the revised Marital Satisfaction Questionnaire. These measures appear as Appendixes 3 and 4 in my book Brief but Comprehensive Psychotherapy: The Multimodal Way (Lazarus, 1997). Herman (1991, 1993) has presented data on the validity and reliability of these instruments. A good deal of useful information about spousal similarity and differences can be gleaned quite rapidly from these two questionnaires. The 16-item Marital Satisfaction Questionnaire not only points to positive and negative feelings on 16 crucial issues but it also measures the extent to which the partners are able to predict one anothers ratings. The Expanded Structural Profile yields clear-cut areas of similarity and dissimilarity across seven interactive dimensions. Compliance in completing these inventories is high, probably because they are straightforward and succinct. They are distinct from the many books and articles on couples therapy that advocate the use of burdensome homework assignments. I avoid the elaborate forms they recommend that assess daily progress, and I steer clear of the communication worksheets, household and money management documents, contract logs, and so forth. In my experience, these time-consuming records often cause therapy to stall and give rise to resentment toward the therapist. EXPERTISE IN SEX THERAPY It is my strong opinion that expertise in and knowledge of sex therapy is essential for an effective couples therapist because in many instances, sexual ineptitude derails marriages. When discussing matters pertaining to sex and especially when instructing a couple in the details of specific sexual techniques and practices, it is imperative for the therapist to be totally matter of fact and unembarrassed. When describing the most exquisitely delicate and sensitive nuances of physical intimacy, the therapists demeanor should mirror a gourmet cook discussing the recipe for and preparation of a

Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008

Lazarus / WORKING WITH COUPLES

227

prose. Consequently, I have written several self-help books that bypass these criticismsthey are slim, easy to read, simple to follow, and the messages are there up front. (The most recent is The 60-Second Shrink coauthored with my son [Lazarus & Lazarus, 1997].) The best book I know for dealing with troubled dyadic relationships is Fays (1999) Making It as a Couple.1 Fays book (first published in 1988 as PQR: Prescription for a Quality Relationship) has served as the mainstay of my couples therapy for the past 12 years. Basically, Making It as a Couple has two parts. Part 1 contains 54 relationship traps. Part 2 consists of a smorgasbord of 30 relationship tools for repairing damage. In my work with couples, Step 1 in almost any treatment process is to teach them to recognize the traps they fall into and show them how to avoid doing so in future. For example, some typical traps are reciting past grievances, criticizing, threatening, being right, making negative comparisons, giving advice without being asked, getting even, and mind reading. SESSION FIVE AND BEYOND By the fifth session, a considerable amount of territory will have been traversed and the major issues, stumbling blocks, points of contention, areas of dissatisfaction, and potentially constructive ways through and around them will have been discussed and implemented. Whereas a soft, gentle, supportive, and laid back approach is often effective in individual counseling and therapy, with few exceptions, a more challenging approach is better suited to couples therapy. Following is a fairly typical dialogue. Let us call the couple Doug and Rita. Me: You both seem to run on automatic no! That trap is clearly spelled out in Fays book and in the one my son and I wrote. Unless you have a truly valid reason for refusing to accede to a request, always say yes. Rita: Youre right. Were both not too obliging. But Doug has no idea what you are talking about because he has yet to pick up either book. Me (looking at Doug): Is that right? Doug: Were having a really busy time at the office right now, and when I come home all I want to do is veg out. Me: Im sorry if I sound like a policeman, or a teacher or a stern parent, but the fact is that I now question your motivation Doug. Or perhaps you dont believe that reading the books will be beneficial. Doug: No, thats not it. I can appreciate the value of Me (interrupting): I stressed that you are not expected to study them cover to cover. Both Making It as a Couple and The 60-Second Shrink lend themselves to selective browsing. You glance through the contents and read only those items that interest you or seem to apply to you. I dont buy that you are too exhausted to spend 10 to 15 minutes reading the material. Rita: Doug thinks that things must come easily to him. He always shirks his responsibilities.

Me: Are you aware, Rita, that you have just fallen into at least four of Dr. Fays traps? Using always,, complaining, speaking for your partner, and mind reading. Rita: Im sorry. Me: Please check out the Im sorry myth in The 60-Second Shrink. We have just seen one of the central dynamics between the two of you being played out. Doug gets into his passive mode and Rita goes on the attack. Instead of chastising Doug, what might you have said Rita? Rita: I guess I could have confirmed that his work is very demanding right now. Me: That would have been much better, but perhaps you might have added that despite his work pressures, youd really appreciate it if he would read for 10 minutes each day. Rita: Wouldnt that make me too demanding? Me: What do you think, Doug? Doug: Well, Rita needs to understand that the way she asks for things is so important. But youre right. This marriage calls for both of us to act differently. Me: Bingo! I had ascertained that Doug and Rita cared for one another, basically liked each other, and that if they could develop a better overt interactive style, the quality of their relationship would become immeasurably better. It is obviously not possible to discuss all the methods of intervention that are employed. The main point that I want to underscore is that effective and efficient couples therapy, in my view, calls for an active, didactic, focused, and yet broad-based approach. Some couples enter therapy with what seem to be serious problemsthey are combative, contentious, hypercritical, passive-aggressive, volatile, and hypersensitive. Nevertheless, a few assessment sessions may reveal that they are not incompatible (see Hamburg, 2000) and their problems are by no means irremediable. After a few training sessions plus bibliotherapy, they can learn quite rapidly to abandon coercive tactics, forgo impossible romantic ideals, appreciate the value of reciprocity, and apply common sense dos and donts. When there are signs of basic love and caring, no evidence of gross incompatibility, nor significant emotional or psychological instability, it should take no more than six or seven sessions to achieve our goal. When love and caring is not present and gross incompatibility is quite evident, divorce counseling is the most logical alternative. Effective marital therapists cannot afford to be overly sentimental, but let me end by simply stating that a genuinely good marriage is more than preciousit is a joy to behold. NOTE
1. This is obtainable from FMC Books, P.O. Box 275, Essex, CT 06426, $15.45 (postage paid).

Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008

228

THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES / July 2000

REFERENCES
Bach, G. R., & Wyden, P. (1969). The intimate enemy: How to fight fair in love and marriage. New York: William Morrow. Carlson, J., & Dinkmeyer, D. (1999). TIME for a better marriage. In R. Berger & M. T. Hannah (Eds.), Preventive approaches in couples therapy (pp. 149-168). New York: Brunner/Mazel. Dreikurs, R. (1946). The challenge of marriage. New York: Hawthorn. Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and emotion in psychotherapy. New York: Lyle Stuart. Fay, A. (1999). Making it as a couple. Essex, CT: FMC Books. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles of making marriage work. New York: Crown. Hamburg, S. R. (2000). Will our love last? A couples roadmap. New York: Scribner. Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. New York: Holt. Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (1999). Imago relationship therapy: Creating a conscious marriage or relationship. In R. Berger & M. T. Hannah (Eds.), Preventive approaches in couples therapy (pp. 169-195). New York: Brunner/Mazel. Herman, S. M. (1991). A psychometric evaluation of the Marital Satisfaction Questionnaire: A demonstration of reliability and validity. Psychotherapy in Private Practice, 9, 85-94.

Herman, S. M. (1993). A demonstration of the validity of the Multimodal Structural Profile through a correlation with the Vocational Preference Inventory. Psychotherapy in Private Practice, 11, 71-80. Lazarus, A. A. (1997). Brief but comprehensive psychotherapy: The multimodal way. New York: Springer. Lazarus, A. A., & Lazarus, C. N. (1997). The 60-second shrink: 101 strategies for staying sane in a crazy world. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact. Lederer, W. J., & Jackson, D. D. (1968). The mirages of marriage. New York: Norton. Leiblum, S. R., & Rosen, R. C. (2000). Principles and practice of sex therapy (3rd ed.). New York: Guilford. Milsten, R., & Slowinski, J. (1999). The sexual male: Problems and solutions. New York: Norton. Stuart, R. B. (1980). Helping couples change. New York: Guilford. Van de Velde, T. H. (1930). Ideal marriage: Its physiology and technique. Covici: Friede. Zilbergeld, B. (1999). The new male sexuality (rev. ed.). New York: Bantam.

Arnold A. Lazarus, Ph.D., A.B.P.P., is Distinguished Professor Emeritus, Rutgers University, and president of the Center for Multimodal Psychological Services in Princeton, NJ.

MISTER BOFFO

Reprinted by Permission: Joe Martin

Downloaded from http://tfj.sagepub.com by ciubotaru diana laura on October 23, 2008