Death on the Campsies and other Inspector McTaggart stories

Paul Cockshott April 1, 2012

Contents
1 Jake 2 Death on the Campsies 3 The Lost Children 3 14 34

CONTENTS

This is a book of bedtime stories, I recorded them as I told them to Daniel and later typed them up.

Chapter 1 Jake1
Inspector McTaggart was an angry man, very angry. It had happened again. He had been served with cold tea. What was life worth in the Strathclyde Police Force if you couldnt get a cup of hot tea in the morning? Not much he felt. Not much. Why do I take the risk, why do I take the risk of facing wild baboons, racing rocs, facing the wrath of the Duke of Argyle, all for a cup of cold tea in the morning? Constable Wolf come here, come here. Yes Sir, said constable Wolf. What do you call this? Cup of tea Sir. Thats not a cup of tea. Thats a cup of cold tea. Why? Whats the reason for that?
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Recorded 6/02/2009, duration 15 minutes 39 seconds.

CHAPTER 1. JAKE Oh, very preoccupied Sir, very preoccupied. What are you preoccupied by? I can guess, go off to the toilet. Footsteps, ushing noise, footsteps again. Now make the tea. Boiling noises... glug glug glug, cling Ah, thats better. McTaggart sat back and took a sip of tea. Ah, almost nished it, nished that case, the case of Jake and the three headed sh monster. Thank goodness I dont have to think about that any more. And he closed the book with a slam. Daniel : are you telling me the story on his mind? Then in came Constable Johnston. Dye mind the case of the three headed sh monster, said Constable Johnston. Of course I do, said Inspector McTaggart. Ive forgotten all about it, said Constable Johnston. Dont be ridiculous Son, we only solved it yesterday!

CHAPTER 1. JAKE I seem to have forgotten it, its very strange, said Constable Johnston. Well heres the report, said McTaggart, read it for yourself.

Constable Johnston opened the book and started to read. It said: Inspector McTaggart was a worried man. Hed just solved the case of the deserted villages of Argyle and now there was this phone call from Aberdeen. The trawlermen were reporting that their catches were falling. Och dont worry about that he said, dont worry about that. Thats the new European Union regulations. Havent you noticed the new nets your using? Of course weve noticed the new nets were using! Were trawlermen, we use nets every day. We know more about nets than youve eaten hot dinners, he said. Our catches are still falling. OK, Ill come up and see. OK. He took the train up to Aberdeen. Got off at the Docks Station adjacent to the harbour. Went to the Fish Market. And there, were groups of trawlermen standing around and looking disconsolate, with small piles of sh in front of them. Daniel : no big ones?

CHAPTER 1. JAKE Not much, not much here, he said, not much here. Well, you have been warned, you have been warned, you know! You take no notice of warnings. You were warned if you went on like this thered be overshing. You were warned that the sh stocks were running down prettty fast. And youve still been doing it! Thats foolish actions if Ive ever heard of them. Yes but not this fast, said the trawlermen, not this fast. We didnt expect the sh to stop overnight like this, and then theres the other problem. Other problem, said McTaggart. What are the other problems? Daniel : our nets been bitten. Our nets have been bitten through, yes. OK, show me one of the nets. There I told you so, said McTaggart. Look at that, look at that, thats a wide mesh net, it meets with European Union regulations. If it didnt youd be in Peterhead Prison before the morning. Now, look at those holes, look at those holes there.

CHAPTER 1. JAKE Theyre designed to let the small cod through. Weve had too much of you trawlermen catching the baby cod. No wonder theres no sh left in the sea. Youve been trawling the baby cod up, and theyre never getting a chance to grow up. Yes, yes we know about that, said a trawlerman. You forced us to use these big nets, but we should at least have got some big cod. What did we get? Half a dozen octopuses and a squid! Where have all the big cod gone? Ill tell you where, said another trawlerman, through that hole there. Look at that hole there.

He saw a huge hole at the end of the net, just where the cod should have collected. You can see what is happening. The cod are getting caught in the net, swimming to the end and breaking free. And he looked, sure enough, the end of the net was damaged. It had three big holes in it. Enough to let the whole lot of the cod out. Every single trawlernet that he inspected had the same three holes in it. He went to the trawlermen and said: I know what your problem is. There are holes in your net. Theres a hole in every one of yair nets. Repair yair nets and put out to sea.

CHAPTER 1. JAKE

So they repaired their nets and put out to sea. Daniel : but they still came back damaged. Came back the next day. Very few sh. Very few sh. All but three of the trawlermen had had their nets destroyed or damaged. Something is getting into these nets and biting its way through. God knows what it is. OK, well go to the Fishery Protection Ofce in Aberdeen Harbour, and hire some underwater TV cameras, put them on the nets. So, put one on the net, got the trawlerman to repair his net and set off again. He said: Go off to the East of the Faroes and try shing there in the deep water. Off the trawler Lucky Jim went. Two days it was sailing. Two days of sailing to the Faroes. The gulls swooped down on it. The waves were rough. Daniel : was McTaggart on the trawler? And McTaggart was seasick. He was not a sailor. He was a policeman. Over the edge went the net. Into the water went the net. Splashing. From the end of the trawler went the net. Deep it went. Down into the water. They rushed to the cabin and looked on the TV. All they could see was darkness. Every now and then there was a ash of silver as the cod went past.

CHAPTER 1. JAKE

Then all of a sudden there was a wee judder, and they looked to the back of the boat to see some bubbles coming up. A moment later all the strain went off the rope. Its happened again, said the skipper, the nets gone. They pulled it in. The end was missing again. Ah but weve still got the camera, said McTaggart. Well take this back to the lab and have it developed. Well have it processed with image enhancement techniques. Police laboratories are good at that. So he travelled down to Glasgow. Put the video tape in the police enhancement laboratory and out it came. First thing they saw was a great big ipper. Next thing they saw was a great big tail. Then it had gone past. Suddenly all the cod seemed to disappear. Then what did they see coming back but a great long neck. Its Nessie, said McTaggart That damned Nessie, shes got out of Loch Ness and shes prowling the North Sea. Daniel : hows it got out of Loch Ness? My goodness! The tourist trade will be ruined, he said.

CHAPTER 1. JAKE He phoned up Loch Ness Tourist Board. He said: Have you had any sightings this week? None! None!, said the Tourist Board, The trades gone through the oor. We havent had one in six days. Why would anyone come to Scotland if theres no monster to watch? My Goodness, thought McTaggart, this is getting worse. This is not a matter just of the Aberdeen sh trade being lost. Its the whole tourist trade. So he phoned up the Navy at Rosythe and said Youve got to do something. Youve got to catch her! OK, they said, if its an emergency we will lend you a submarine. With a big net. Made of thick steel this time. Daniel : A military submarine? Well creep along behind a decoy trawler with a big net. As soon as we see anything we will take the trawler net into our big net. And then well have it caught!

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CHAPTER 1. JAKE

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Off they went. The trawler set sail from Aberdeen. Creeping up behind it was the submarine where nobody could see it. Daniel : was it a military submarine? The trawler net was put out, and sure enough, moments later the net started to shuggle and juggle about. There was something in there! They put the huge net, the steel net, the anti-torpedoe net, round it and closed it, towed it back into Aberdeen harbour. In the harbour you could see the thrashing around and a strange shape was moving around in the net. Haul it out says McTaggart. And out it came. Pulled it out. My God! Thats not Nessie thats Jake! Thats Jake the three headed Fish Monster. Daniel : what is Jake? who is Jake? Thank God weve got him! Hes far ercer than Nessie. Daniel : but where are we going to send him? Well have to rst question him. Jake. What were you doing out in the North Sea? W ELL I JUST WENT FOR A SWIM DOWN THE C ALE DONIAN C ANAL , AND FOUND MYSELF IN THE SEA . Ye know ne well thats out of bounds for a loch monster.

CHAPTER 1. JAKE O H WELL , YOU GET SO BORED IN THESE LOCHS ! I WANTED TO SEE THE OPEN SEA . I WANTED TO SEE THE WAVES . A ND THEN I KEPT GETTING CAUGHT IN NETS , AND WHAT S A MONSTER TO DO BUT BITE HIS WAY THROUGH ? Well let that be a lesson to ye, yere caught now. If we nd you going out again well chain you to the oor of Loch Ness. Daniel : with what? Now Im taking ye back to Loch Ness, and I dont want you putting more than one of your heads above the water at a time, or youll scare the visitors off. OK said Jake Daniel : what about Nessie? what about Nessie? What about Nessie? said McTaggart O H N ESSIE
CAME OUT AS WELL

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said Jake.

Daniel : wheres Nessie? Wheres Nessie? asked McTaggart.

AND

S HE SAID SHE WANTED TO GO OFF TO THE C ARIBEAN I HAVE NT SEEN HER SINCE .

Never mind, said Inspector McTaggart, theyll never notice. Jake you can go back to Loch Ness and at most put only one head above water. And then no-one will know the difference.

CHAPTER 1. JAKE

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So, onto the tanker she was raised, through the Caledonian Canal, come midnight they dumped him in the loch when no-one was looking. Well thats the tourist trade and the shing industry saved, not bad for a weeks work. said McTaggart.

Chapter 2 Death on the Campsies

First Nights story1
Constable William Williamson came in and said: Inspector McTaggart I have got bad news for you. Theres been another one of them. Another one of the What? You dont mean another of those beggars on Argyle Street do you? Dont bother me with that again! Not another beggar on Argyle Street. Another of those bodies on the Campsies Ah Well. I suppose me and Fiona ought to go and check it out. So they took the tram to Kirkintilloch and climbed up the Campsies heading to where they could see the red ag had
1

Duration 9min 17 sec, story told at bedtime 16/02/2009

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CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES

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been stuck in the ground showing where the body was found. It was a long long climb up the hill. Up on the brow, they could look out over Glasgow. See the ships moving in and out the Clyde. Trails of aircraft coming into the airport. Beautiful view, isnt it. said Fiona, Its a pity were up here for such a sad purpose. Tis that. A real pity, he said. A little further on they came to the body. It looked so sad: someone lying there dead in their nylon cagoul and green wellies. At least this bodys still got more of it here. Its not like the last one. Last one the foxes had done a lot of damage. We couldnt get much information about why they died. Itll be the usual thing, said Fiona. Someone came up onto the hills and died of cold. Not putting on enough coats before they went up. Or else someone went up on the hills and was so sad they took too many tablets. Happens every year. Aye it does that. Well, when we get the body back well nd the cause of it was. Lets just look around the neighbourhood and see if theres any clues here. But there was nothing there. Just the body in its boots, clothes, nothing lying around.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES He died very suddenly by the look of it. No evidence that he sat down and took any poison anyway. Nor can they have died of cold, because its been warm these last three days. Nice warm summer evenings. No one would have died of cold on these evenings. Och well.

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Daniel : so it was the evening? Dad: a body had been found in the morning Daniel. Warm days, warm evenings people wouldnt , its not been cold enough to have been a real hazard to climbers. A nasty bruise on their face though, isnt it? Yes a nasty mark that. Well well get it down to pathology and see what the cause was. Well they went back to police headquarters, and McTaggart said: "Williamson, can ye go into the les and see how many other cases there have been this year?" Couple of hours later Williamson came back with a pile of les. Thats a lot he said. Are they all our area? No. Some of them are from Aberdeenshire and some are from the Northern Constabulary. How many all told? Well, at twelve so far this year, and its, its only May.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES Thats a bit odd. Last year we only had eight in the whole year. Thats twelve by May even. And how many have been in the last two months? Ten of them have been in the last two months. Well thats most unusual. Youd expect to get more cases in the winter. So that means that in April and May weve had ten fatalities on the hillsalready. How many of them were avalanches?

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"There was one man carried away by an avalanche on Cairngorm, but that was,... that was in March." Ok. How many were taken by wolves? Its a bit hard to tell of course. But I dont think, on the outside, it can be more than one or two that are cases of wolf attacks. Youve got to remember wolves have been largely driven North of the Great Glen by now. Yes, and a good thing too said McTaggart. I hear that King Olaf has raised the bounty on a wolf pelt to a thousand Krona. The old one hundred krona fee had been in place for a couple of hundred years and it was useless. It wasnt worth risking your life against wolves for a hundred krona. No wonder they were raiding everywhere.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES Lets hope we get rid of them for good soon! So its not wolves and its not avalanches. Whats it been put down to? Hard to say. Often the bodies arent found for two or three weeks after the person died. So we cant really say. Well this ones been found pretty promptly. Have you been able to trace who it is? Yes we have had a look at their wallet. Its a Mr Johnston from Paisley, weve got his address. Well, well have to go and tell his family whats happened to him.

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They went along, found the house in Paisley, knocked on the door, and of course his wife and family were devastated to hear the news. Hed just gone out climbing on Saturday afternoon. And that, that was the last we ever saw of him. He said hed be back by the evening. AH... its Monday now so he must have died on Saturday evening. Oh.., Im, Im very sorry, I dont know what I can say to you. Its a real tragedy, but well do our best to nd the cause. I really dont know whats causing this said McTaggart,

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES I think he just fell, fell and hit his head. That must be it., said Fiona, Its a sad case but there is nothing we can do about it. Write it down as accidental death.

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A couple of weeks later Williamson came through and said, I know we haven,t had any more problems on the Campsies, but I have been speaking to my cousin on the Northern, and he says theyve had another eight on the Cairngorms. He said climbers are scared to go up there now. Its going to hit the ski trade. No doubt, it will hit the ski trade in the winter. Theres too many cases. And what do the Northern put it down to? Its always the same: someone appears to have died suddenly, stuck on the hill with a terrible bruise on their face, sometimes on their hands. Theres something stalking them out there, people are saying there is beast on the hills. Theres rumours, rumours I tell ye, that theres some kind of monster out there. People are scared to go up beyond 500 feet, because 500 feet is the lowest that it has happened so far. Ok, Ok, when was the last report we had of Abominable Snowmen on the Cairngorms? Oh well we havent had any Abominable Snowmen on the Cairngorms for the last three or four years. We think they have all been driven north to Norway and accross the ice-packs.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES Daniel : maybe theyve come back? Maybe the Abominable Snowmen may have come back? "No, No, I am sure its not that. The Abominable Snowmen usually eat their victims, these havent been eaten". "Mmm, its very strange, but unless we get a call from the Northern, we cant intervene", said McTaggart.

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The Second Night2

So theyve seen sense at last said Fiona. Aye they have said Inspector McTaggart The Northern have phoned us up and said they need our help. Not for nothing is Glasgow the Murder Capital of Europe! They need a murder case solved, its the Strathclyde Police they call. Well lets review the situation. There have been an unusual number of climbers found dead on the hills. Four times as many as you would normally get in a year. Daniel : in the last two months.
2

Duration 13 minutes 19 seconds, recorded 17/02/2009

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES And that happened in the last two months. The tourist trade is suffering badly. No one dares go up a hill. There are rumours of monsters. There are rumours of all sorts of horrid things living on the hills. Now we know that only one of the climbers has been killed by a wolf. And we also know that the ice bears dont go up the hills very much. And that leaves the yetis, I still think it could be the yetis. Lets go up and nd somone who knows about it.

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So they went up to Glen Lyon and spoke to Farquhar the head of the Glen Lyon Yeti Hunt. Aye we do get a few yetis raiding this far South. The Hunt can normally drive them North, and if we get all the hunts together we can usually drive them off the hills and onto the pack ice before it thaws. An then were free of them for the summer. Now are you sure you were able to do that last spring? Oh aye, we did that. Im not convinced. I think we need to do a sweep. A sweep of the hilltops.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES So can you call the hounds and call the huntsmen together? An well do a sweep.

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OK says Farquhar and went and got his horn. He blew his horn both loud and clear: toot-toot toot-toot toot toot-toot. Half an hour later both Inspector McTaggart and Fiona were in the saddle, and besides them were twelve huntsmen in their lovatt jackets, their loden capes and their deerstalker hats riding the nest group of Irish elks that you could see. They were well trained hunting elks. They could mount the steepest slopes and gallop along the tops of the hills. Beside them they had twenty four Irish wolfhounds all baying and snarling. OK, lets go! said Farquhar, Up into the hills we go! So off they went galloping into the hills. At one stage the hounds seemed to have got a scent. They started dashing off ahead. Aha, they have found a yeti said McTaggart. They raced off, but in the end it was only a grizzly bear who snarled at the hounds and they backed off. Ah, its off, the bears are protected we cant touch them. Come on, lets keep on looking for the yetis Well, they rode accross the hilltops for three days, and never picked a trace of a yeti. So back they came. Well thank you very much Farquhar for your help, but there dont seem to be any yetis in the neighbourhood. So thats ruled out

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES

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So they went back to their hotel and wondered what to do next. Jus then the phone rang. What terrible news said Fiona, It happened in the City, weve got to get back quick! They headed back and over to a building site on the Southside. It was where the Co-op were putting up their new forty story ofce block. There was a crowd gathered round. At the foot of the forty story block, ve workmen who had fallen off, they had obviously died on the way down when they hit the ground. Now whered these men been working? Theyve been working on the top oor. Five of them died in one go. Howd they all fall at the same time? Health and Safety were called. Theres goina be hell to pay for this. they said, These men had no safety harnesses on. They should have had safety harnesses and retaining wires. No wonder they fell. Well its not a murder case, just a Health and Safety case said Fiona, lets go away. So its a sad case, but none of our business. Next, there were a series of mysterious deaths. Of windmill repair men who were found to be falling from the windmills as they repaired them. Do you see a connection here? Fiona said. Yes I do.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES The heights coming down, isnt it? Yes it is. The last of those windmills was only three hundred feet. Aye, but it was on a hundred foot hill. OK, four hundred feet or so. I think we should give a warning that Tomintoul ought to be evacuated. OK, and Leadhills as well. All villages higher up the hills than the safety line have got to be evacuated. But whats doing it, whats doing it? It has to be something that ies. Daniel : I told you it was that. It cant be the yetis. Its years since they last had an airforce. What can it be?

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Lets go to the Met Ofce and see if they have any news of anything unusual detected by the weather radar. So they went to the Met Ofce in Ayr and said: Has your weather radar picked up anything unusual. Well, yes. We had a very interesting snowstorm yesterday. |It was over to the Westside. And then, there were a couple of tornadoes.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES Yes but that is not so unusual, I want anything really unusual. Weve had a few of those ghosts and a couple of UFOs. OK, OK, so its UFOs were after, Lets go to the Airforce and see if we can spot any.

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Along they went to Prestwick Airport to see if they could hire a plane. Its not that easy at the moment, the ights are very busy. But there is a Birmingham Buttery over there thats free. We could hire it to the police if you want. Do you have a pilot available? No we dont have a pilot. Ok the Airport will supply a pilot. The whole thing will only cost you 3000. 3000, thats ridiculous! We dont have any pounds any more, we will have to pay in Krona. Ok we will do it for 200 Krona. Fair enough. So they got onto the Birmingham Buttery. Fiona said I feel much safer in these ve engined planes. You know they can still y with two of the engines switched off.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES Thats, thats very reassuring said Inspector McTaggart. And off they took, he said: I want you to circle round Goatsfell on Arran and see if you see anything unusual there. Mmm... They ew over Just the usual pile of dead climbers, not much else. What are those red things over there? said Fiona. They saw some red dots coming out of the cloud. Well y over and check them said the pilot.

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And what did they see? A whole bunch of red balloons. There was in fact a stream of these red balloons. They were very very pale red, difcult to see. Almost as if they were just slightly pink. From a distance the sun would glint off them. If you could see them against the clouds, you could see them. They when you got close it was difcult to keep your eyes on them. But of course the plane was going fast. OK, OK, I think this is suspicious said McTaggart. Fly me quickly to Aberdeen. So, half an hour later they were in Aberdeen, and he said: I am just going to make a call.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES

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And he called to the United Society of Trawlermen in Aberdeen and said: Could ye get us a lightweight net? A really lightweight net? Well they brought him a net. They xed it to the back of the Birmingham Buttery. They had two experienced trawlermen to handle the net and took off again. Lets head down towards the SouthWest, thats where we saw them before. When they saw the red dots they put the net out. Swept it through the air. An soon theyd collected several of them. And brought them back and landed and went carefully towards it. The most horrible thing you could imagine. Great big red balloons with a crest along the top. Tentacles hanging down. Ive never seen those before, said McTaggart. Well Ive seen them before., said the Trawlerman, You ususally see them oating on the sea. They dont usually get up to that altitude. Those are Peruvian men of war: the most deadly jellysh known to man. When it gets really hot off Peru, the sea warms, and the hydrogen in the jellysh expands, and they take off into the air. Then they get blown by the trade winds. Its just the freak weather conditions weve been having this last summer. Theyve been blowing them in from Peru. They wouldnt normally come this way.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES What can we do about it, said McTaggart. Oh I dont know, Im just a trawlerman. Well have to see what we can do about it, said McTaggart.

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Third Nights tale3

So, said McTaggart, it looks like weve got a problem with these Peruvian men of war jellsh. I think wed better check it out. Well go along to the Lochaber Institute of Marine Biology to nd out what they think of it. Lets put one of these in a plastic bag and make sure we wear a rubber suit and rubber gloves as we handle it, so we dont get stung. So he went and got a rubber suit and rubber gloves from a chemical factory and loaded the jellysh into a plastic bag, and sealed it. And they drove off to the Lochaber Institute of Marine Biology. At the Institute, they asked if they could see the Institutes expert on jellysh who was very please to see the specimen. Oh we havent had a specimen of those for years, and thats a very big and ne one. Big and ne one it may be, but theyre a hazard! Do you know how many hikers theyve killed this year?
3

Duration 9 minutes 11 seconds, recorded 18/02/2009

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES No I dont. Well, we reckon it is at least 18 now, and thats not counting the building workers. Ooh, they must be coming down low! You ought to watch out actually, I have heard from the weather forecasters that there is a depression on the way. When there is a depression, the low pressure brings them down lower. They may even get down to the level of cities. Oh my goodness, said McTaggart, If that happens they could wipe out Ayr. They could, yes. Well have to do something about it. What can we do about it? Well you could wait till the wind shifts. Normally what happens is that the wind never brings them this far. They normally fall back down to sea somewhere in the mid Atlantic, but the wind must be exceptionally strong at the moment. If the strong wind continues, and then there is a depression, we will get them dumped on our heads where ever we are. Daniel : wont it send them to Russia They might get blown to Russia, but thats no consolation to us. Ah, what can we do?

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CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES We dont normally have problems with this. We are only concerned with Marine Biology. I suggest you go and visit the Institute of Pest Control in Berwick. OK. Well go off to Berwick to visit the Institute of Pest Control.

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They drove along to Berwick and arrived at a large building which had a huge statute of a mosquito and a huge and equally ugly statue of a bedbug on either side of the door. Ugh! Those are horrid, said Fiona, God knows what theyve got in here. They went through a hall lined with models of all sorts of horrid insects, including some particularly nasty looking wasps, and explained their problem to one of the chief pest control ofcers. Mmm, jellysh you say, well we normally concentrate on insects. But these are ying jellysh so they would probably be our department, otherwise they would be the Ministry of Fishery Control. Have you phoned the Ministry of Fishery Control? Fiona said: I phoned them up but they said jellysh arent sh so its not their responsibility. Theyre medusoids. Ok we will take over. I think we will use our standard techniques. You say youve got a plane available?

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES Yes, weve hired a plane from Prestwick Airport. We hired it for a couple of months so it should be available. Mmm, OK, Ill just wistle up some help from my, my staff here.

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He picked up a wistle and blew hard. A moment later a man rushed in, carrying a box. Will this do? He opened the box and said: Yup, mm, get me 54 million of them please. OK, well bring you 54 million. 54 million what? said Fiona. Well theres only one million in that box, but well get another 54 boxes and you will have 54 million. But 54 million what? 54 million parasitic wasps of course. You can let them off from your plane accross the path of the medusoids and theyll soon deal with them. We wont be able to give you all 54 million in one day. Youll get a million a day and that should keep you going. McTaggart said: Can you deliver them to Prestwick Airport.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES Of course, of course, we can deliver parasitic wasps anywhere in the country.

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So they went of to Prestwick Airport the next day and spoke to the pilot. I know you had an unsual job yesterday, you had to pull a trawler-net through the sky. Today it is a lot easier, you just have to take this large box of wasps.. Im not having wasps in my plane. Its a hazard. How would you like to y a plane with wasps in it? Well its ok, these are very tiny wasps. And they dont sting people. Well ok, ok, so long as theyre not let into the cockpit. You can have them in the passenger compartment and I will lock the door. Fair enough. You lock the door. And its not going to me that does it. Fiona will have to throw them out the window. I didnt know that! I thought you were going to do it Inspector. Oh Inspectors dont do that. Thats a job for constables.

CHAPTER 2. DEATH ON THE CAMPSIES

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Well they were strapped in. Daniel : Fiona was strapped in. Fiona was strapped in, with long straps that were xed to the side opposite the door, and they took off. Flew out to sea until they saw the rst of a cloud of medusoids coming towards them. Then the door was opened, and with the straps stopping her falling out, Fiona leaned out and picked out one packet of wasps after another, tore of the lid and shook them out. Of course the air was rushing past so they didnt have a chance to sting. Packet after packet of wasps was released into the air. Then they ew back. That day, no medusoids arrived over the country. They did that every day for 54 days. Daniel : 55 55 days, and at the end, no medusoids had arrived. And the winds had anyway shifted, so none seemed to be coming anyway. None to be seen. Daniel : but wheres the medusoids above Britain So what had happened? The parasitic wasps had homed in on them, and laid their eggs in them, and of course to lay their eggs they have to sting them rst. As soon as they stung them, the hydrogen leaked out of their balloons. Daniel : and they fell down And they fell to the sea, and then the wasp larvae multiplied in in the oating piles of jelly. Two or three days latter millions and millions of more wasps took off. So soon there was an inpenetrable cloud of wasps oating over the Eastern Atlantic. Daniel : wouldnt the wasps kill people Luckily the wasps were only about two millimeters accross and were not interested in people.

Chapter 3 The Lost Children1

Inspector McTaggart was having his coffee when Fiona came in and said: Got another case sent to us by the Northern. Theres two children they want us to interview, were found wandering by the side of the road. Why do they need to get us to deal with that? Surely thats just a matter for the local constables to take them back to their parents. They say its a complicated story Sir, said Fiona. OK, lets take the train up to Fort William then. And they took the train up. Left Glasgow Queen Street. Arrived in Fort William three hours later and went to the Fort William Police Headquarters and spoke to Inspector Dewar. Hello Inspector McTaggart, wed like you to look into this case, it smacks of underhand dealing. Horrible crimes I am afraid.
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Recorded 19/04/2009, duration 9 minutes 12 seconds.

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CHAPTER 3. THE LOST CHILDREN OK lets interview these children.

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So they went into an interview room which had some teddies and toys and there were two children. One was about seven and the other one was about nine. The older one was a girl and the younger one a boy and they were called Katie and Ian. Well tell us your story. Well, we didnt mean to hurt her. We really didnt but she was a nasty woman. Who was this nasty woman? She wanted to eat us. She said she was going to eat us. So we had to hurt her. Had to hurt her. Who was this woman? Well she was nasty. She was going to eat us all up. Can you take us to where this all happened?, said Fiona. It was in the woods. It was in the woods, we couldnt nd our way. We were lost. OK, hold on a moment said McTaggart, picked up the phone, Yes,... Yes,... Can I speak to the dog handlers please Is that the dog handlers?

CHAPTER 3. THE LOST CHILDREN Yes Can we have three german shepherds and their handlers, outside this building in ve minutes? Yes.. Certainly And a van. |And can I speak to the constable who found the children. Yes..

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Constable Jameson came in. He was the one that had found the children. McTaggart said: I want you to take us, and the children, in the van to where you found them. Along with the dogs and the handlers. Daniel : then why are the dogs practising? So they drove off to the edge of the Caledonian Forest, where deep dark pine trees hung over the road. You could scarcely see more than a few feet into the dark forest. The dogs, these are nice dogs they told the children, just let them have a wee sniff of you, the dogs came up and sniffed them. Then the handlers led them off and soon the dogs found the scent and started howling and barking and yapping, and off they went. Daniel : they would walk slowly wouldnt they so the police could follow them? They were going quite fast and in order to get the children going along fast enough they put the children on horseback,

CHAPTER 3. THE LOST CHILDREN

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with a policeman behind each one of them. They rode off after the dogs. The hadnt been going long before they came to a tumble down old cottage. In the cottage what did they nd but an old woman half unconscious with her head in a gas oven. Well they quickly pulled her out into the fresh air and managed to bring her round. Is that the horrid woman? Yes thats the horrid woman. She was going to eat us. Lets put her under arrest and take her to the police station. I dont know whether we are going to have to charge these children with assult on an old age pensioner? But they took the woman in. Is it true that you locked Ian up in a cupboard for two days, and that you threatened to eat him? Aye it is, but I havent had anything to eat for three weeks myself, I am half starved. No pension has come through, what else could I do with these children? Thats no excuse! You cant eat children even if your pension doesnt come through. You should have gone to the Social Work. They would have sorted it out for you. Ah, we will have to follow this through.

CHAPTER 3. THE LOST CHILDREN So he went to the Social Work Department and said: Why have you allowed this old woman to be so starving that she was resorting to cannibalism?

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Surely her pension should have been coming through? The social worker said : Ah well its that Duke of Argyle he has been docking the old womans pensions every third week. Daniel : I thought he was burned at the stake! Dad : Ah, but there is always a new Duke, the old Duke was burnt at the stake but his son is just as bad. And he says that every third pension belongs to him as the landlord and his Factor goes round to all the Post Ofces and takes the pensioners pensions. Oh well thats one more blot against his copybook. Lets follow this story back a bit more. Kids, how come you were in this old ladys house in the rst place? Oh thats because our parents tried to leave us in the woods to starve to death. Another case for the Social Work, thats child abuse if Ive ever heard it. Take us to your family home. They got to the family home and what should they nd? They found the childrens father just fresh from burying their step-mother who had died of starvation the night before. And the father looked half starved.

CHAPTER 3. THE LOST CHILDREN Why is he starved? Its the Duke of Argyle again, he has stolen all our land and we have no food. I tried to make a bit of money by wood chopping. But he said the wood belonged to him and I wasnt allowed to chop the wood any more. I couldnt support my children so I left them in the woods. Ok we will have to send them both to the poorhouse. But theres no poor-house here. Send them to the Glasgow poor-house then. Why is there no poor house here? Because the Dukes been taking the poor-law money. Goodness, here its no wonder people are reduced to starvation and sending their children out into the woods. Well, lets see if we can pursue a case against him in the High Court next week.

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