COUNSELING BY JUDY

NEWSLETTER
Spring, 2012

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Conflict in relationships, whether it be between spouses, family members, friends, or coworkers, is virtually inevitable. Conflict itself isnt the problem, however; how its handled can bring people closer together or push them farther apart. Poor communication can potentially weaken the bond between people, resulting in mistrust, frustration, and resentment. Disagreements and misunderstandings can be grounds for intense anger and distancing. On the other hand, effective communication can enable sharing of information, perspective taking, and profound understanding. When communication flows well, conflict can be resolved in a cooperative manner, instead of escalating to a destructive level. Good communication is essential to achieving and sustaining a healthy relationship. Collaborative strategies for negotiating conflicts include the following steps: 1. Choose a mutually acceptable time and place to discuss the conflict 2. Talk it out- Each person takes a turn stating his or her position and needs, while the other person attentively listens and tries to understand the speakers perspective. 3. Brainstorm solutions to resolve the conflict 4. Choose a solution that meets each persons needs and one on which they can both agree. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. ~George Bernard Shaw

Judy Kaminsky, MFT

Specializing in, but not limited to, Marriage & Family Therapy 600 West Germantown Pike- Suite 400 Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania 19462 (610)-940-1710 counselingbyjudy@comcast.net www.counselingbyjudy.com

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HEALTHY COMMUNICATION USING I-MESSAGES

An I-message is an assertive way to express your anger, sadness, or disappointment with something another person has said or done. It allows you to communicate how you feel without attacking or blaming. An "I" message can help de-escalate a conflict and pave the way for a constructive conversation as well as a resolution. TIPS Stay focused on the issue at hand. Dont bring up past hurts or other issues. Acknowledge your share of responsibility in the conflict. Take time to cool off if one or both of you is getting too angry or upset to have a constructive conversation. Resume with a constructive attitude and mutual respect when both of you have calmed down. If youve tried to resolve conflicts on your own and youre still struggling, consider therapy to learn new communication and conflict resolution skills. THINGS TO AVOID Defensiveness Overgeneralization (i.e. You always You never) Blame Criticism Ridicule Body language that conveys disinterest or that is patronizing Character attacks; Name-calling (i.e. Youre lazy. Youre careless.) Lying Needing to be right or to win Interrupting Being judgmental We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak ~Epictetus

I-Message Formula: I feel ______________ (State your feeling) when you ____________ (Describe the behavior that elicits the feeling) because ______________ (State why the behavior causes that feeling). Id like ______________ (State what youd like instead.) Example: "I feel hurt and ignored when youre texting while were eating dinner together, because it seems like youre not interested in being with me. Id like you to put the cell phone away when were at the dinner table."