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For Jesse and Cal

Brooklyns Monologue: There are many definitions of a fallen angel. Some say that a fallen angel is an angel who rebelled against god, and fell from gods grace as a result. So basically, theyre banished angels. Some even say that a fallen angel is an angel that lost its wings and fell to earth with us as humans. I consider myself a fallen angel. I used to be so innocent, happy even. I used to be a dreamer. Now I walk the streets of broken dreams. I really miss how I used to believe in the world, and when my heart used to be so full and unbroken. My life started falling apart slowly, piece by piece. I didnt know who I was anymore. I didnt recognise the girl in the mirror staring back at me. She had become a monster. I hated what I had to do to stop being what I hated. Somewhere along the lines, I lost who I was because while I was searching hard for the one, I lost myself. I still remember how I used to be contented with loneliness. My first love changed me forever. All those love songs and heartbreak songs started to make sense, and I started to relate to those Taylor Swift songs. I dont breathe the way I used to.

From the age of ten I learned to fake a smile, so people wouldnt ask me why I was so sad all the time. If you asked anyone, theyd tell you that Im the happiest girl they know; I was the girl who always smiled and was always happy and laughed. For years Ive been wearing a mask, but now, its starting to chip away slowly. People are now starting to notice that Im not as happy as I seem, and they even ask me about it from time to time, my excuse is that Im just tired. Its a lie. Well kind of. I am tired; tired of living, tired of all this crap, tired of feeling so worthless and hurt all the time. I was the kid who grew up too fast. I had no choice but to grow up. When I was thirteen, I learnt that all the fairytales that they told me when I was little, were lies. Its not always the princess falls in love with the prince and they fall in love and get married, happily ever after. Its more like, the princess falls in love with the prince but the prince is in love with another princess so that princess kills herself because the heartbreak is too painful to deal with. Its sad isnt it; that we were lied to at such a young age. I used to live in a fairytale, but then I woke up and realized how cruel the world is. If you want to survive, you cant crumble or cry in front of anyone. Let no one see you cry. Thats my philosophy.

Its a philosophy you have to live by if you want to survive in this society. You have to learn how pretend to be happy and fake a smile. Soon enough youll be an expert at faking smiles. The thing is, everyone has secrets; stories that theyll never tell. Secrets can kill, from what Ive learnt. Sometimes just the act of sharing a painful secret can relieve some of the pain. It really depends on who you tell your secret to. But be aware of backstabbers. Ive been backstabbed by almost every single one of my friends, except Taylor, she wont judge you if you tell her something and she can keep a secret. There will always be that one person that you give the ability to take away your light, theyll leave you in the dark, with no hope. Theyll rip your heart out of your chest and tear it apart, and leave you there to bleed your heart out. Love makes no sense. Ive learnt that love hurts. Love is a horrible thing; it opens your heart and makes you vulnerable, weak, and defenceless. It allows that person to hurt you, crush you and shatter your heart. It allows that person to destroy you instantly. It even makes you do things you never thought youd do. One day hell tell you he loves you, the next, hell get a girlfriend, ignore you, and leave you in the dark to slowly fall apart.

Youll just lay there, bleeding, broken, shattered, confused, falling apart bit by bit and hurting so bad on the inside and as you helplessly lay there, you watch the one you love walk away to be with someone else. Horrible isnt it? Theyll tell you that itll get better. The truth is, it never does. Youll find someone better. Huh, what LIES. Youll never get over him. Never, and no matter how much he hurts you, youll still stick around and forgive him every damn time just because you want him to stay in your life. You hate how he knows that, and takes advantage of it. Youve been so good to him, but what do you get in return? Deception. Lies. Manipulation. Youll still always be there for him, but hell never be there for you. He wont catch you when you fall, he wont be there to comfort you and tell you everythings going to be okay when youre crying. You always cared about him but he never gave a damn about you. Even after all that, youll still stay, because you love him to absolute death. Literally. Dont do it, I love you. If you kill yourself, youll kill me. Well obviously he loves her more than you. Why do you think he chose her over you? Heck, he never loved you. You were just somebody to keep him from being lonely. You were just a confidence boost. You always tell him how beautiful he is, but he never does the same.

Hes your everything, you are his nothing. You doubt that hell miss you when youre gone. Heck, you know that he wont miss you when youre gone. You know that hell just forget about you, just like everyone else. He can easily replace you, but hes irreplaceable to you. He owns your heart. Who are you kidding, he owns YOU. You dont own his heart or anything of his for that matter. Unfair isnt it? Well guess what, love hurts. And whether its right or wrong, it hurts. People ask what its like to watch the one you love, love someone else, well, its like a glass splinter working its way to your heart, it eats you alive; It destroys you and leaves you defenceless. No matter how hard you fight, youll always lose the battle. The funny thing is, when youre fighting for him, you are also fighting against him himself. Its always a battle. Youre left a wounded soldier, and those cuts on your wrist? Theyre battle wound scars. He won. You lost. The razor was always there for you when he wasnt. It took away the pain that he caused you. It stopped you from crying because you were too busy concentrating on the pain from the razor to cry. His initials are carved on my ankle and hip. Itll always be there to remind me of the pain he caused me. It reminds me that I love him so much, that it hurts like hell. I hate love. I absolutely hate it.

To be honest, I dont really care if he isnt good for me. Hes broken me so many times, but hes fixed me loads of times too. The pain was worth the happiness that he brought. So I guess the bitter made the sweet taste even sweeter.

Contents:
Chapter 1: Heartbroken Chapter 2: Sticks and Stones May Break Her Bones but Words will Make Her Bleed Chapter 3: Make It Stop Chapter 4: Depression Consumed Her Chapter 5: Love at First Sight for Her, Lust on the First Night for Him. Chapter 6: The Haunting Chapter 7: Loving Him to Death, Literally Chapter 8: Slipping Away Chapter 9: Sleeping Beauty Chapter 10: Survival Chapter 11: Loudest Silence Chapter 12: The Life of a Bulimic Chapter 13: Life After Love? I Dont Think So

Chapter 1: Heartbroken
Brooklyn stared at the text on her phone blankly, not knowing how to reply to it. I kinna sorta pretty much got a girlfriend... Last night... Read the text from Jake. Tears rolled down her cheeks. How could this be? How could the guy who told her he loved her just a few weeks ago tell her he that he now has a girlfriend? She was utterly confused. Now you're gonna leave me she texted back, her fingers shaking as she held her smartphone in her hands, her hold hand shaking from the shock as she tried to type out the letters. After sending the text, she threw her phone on the bed with strength and grabbed the razor blade which was smartly hidden under a box of tissue; she couldn't deal with the pain of the text that she just read. She sliced into her pale skin, staring at the line of crimson red blood that was forming. The blood flew down her arm, making a path where more blood flowed. "Why, why?" she muttered. "I guess I was just never good enough for him..." she cried. "Go and puke that sandwich you just ate half an hour ago," Mia commanded.

You're so fat, that's why he got somebody else. He doesn't want you." Ana told her. "But I promised him that I wouldn't puke anymore..." She whispered. Then again, he promised that he meant it when he told me he loved me... If he loved me, he wouldn't have gotten a girlfriend..." she told herself, rushing to the toilet bowl, shoving two fingers down her throat. She continuously shoved it down, and after about four tries, she threw up all the contents of her stomach and flushed it down. All those horrible calories gone, She smiled, seeing the food disappear into what seemed like a black hole. She stared into the mirror, her eyes teary and red once again, from forcing herself to throw up. "That's a good girl," Mia whispered into her ear softy, making Brooklyn's bones shiver. She went back to her phone and checked for a message from Jake. Seeing his name on her screen made her heart beat faster. She was so in love with him, and he knew it. Jake: Im not leaving you. x_x Bullshit, she thought. Hes going to stop talking to me soon and then hes just going to leave. She told

herself, tears flowed down her face as the thought of him with her killed her mentally. Now whats gonna happen? she texted back. After about five minutes, her phone vibrated in her hands and there read the message, We cant kiss or cuddle, but we can hug. Thats fine, he texted. More tears flowed from her Chestnut brown eyes. I cant live like that. I need the cuddles and kisses; those were the things that kept me happy and alive She cried. She put down her phone and slipped into bed, crying herself to sleep. Itll be better in the morning, she reassured herself, choking on her tears. Brooklyn laid there in bed, thinking about him, thinking about all those cute texts that he would send her. Whyd you have to be so attractive? He once texted her back when she sent a picture of herself in a Bikini. She remembered how she would stay up till 5am in the morning just to talk to him because of the time zone difference. . She was born in the states but she lived in Melbourne, Australia. He lived in Oregon, USA. She never

actually met him, but they had skyped and even talked on the phone before. He was her 11:11 wish. She would make a wish for him every night, wishing that she could go to Oregon to see him. She and him were both virgins and they both never had their first kiss. She wanted him to be the one to take her virginity and she wanted to take his. Brooklyn wanted to be Jakes first and last kiss. He once asked her if he would let him take her virginity. She immediately responded yes and asked him if he would let her take his and he told her that he would is they had lived closer. It was the distance is what drove her mad. Not only did she wish to go to Oregon, she also wished that he would fall in love with her. Its pathetic, she would tell her friends. He was all she could ever think about. He was on her mind all the time. Brooklyn swore that he was her soul mate, he wanted to be an artist; art was her life. He used have an eating disorder; shes struggling with one. He used to self harm because he was in love with his best friend for 4 years, but she didnt feel the same; she cuts herself

because of him. He was the reason why she would cut herself every other night. She never liked to blame others but, she couldnt deny that he wasnt the reason why she cut. It was crazy that they had so much in common, but she knew that he would never fall in love with her because she knew that he was in love with another girl. She knew this because they had a few conversations about it.

Conversation 1: Jake: I love her, shes with him, probably making out or whatever right now. You love me, and Im sitting alone on my bed. Dont be unfair. Brooklyn: And you dont love me. Jake: I do, ugh. I just dont say it because you use it against me.

Conversation 2: Brooklyn: Bree makes me feel like crap. She makes me feel ugly. And right now, Im not even if you meant it when you told me you loved me. I dont want I love you to be another lie.

Jake: I never lie, unless its about my emotional state. If you want me to be completely honest, Bree isnt even very attractive, I wouldnt date her even if she wasnt such a bitch, and theres a girl that Ive liked for months now, but she has a boyfriend, so Im just kinda waiting for him to screw up. Brooklyn: Ouch that hurt. Jake: I know, it hurts me too. Brooklyn: No, I think it hurts me more. Jake: Maybe, Maybe not Brooklyn: Knowing that those blue eyes sparkle brighter for a girl whos not me? It shatters my heart. It really does. ); Jake: But guess who I talk to ten times more than the other? You. So get a grip ok. Im here for you and all you do is complain. I wont be for much longer if you keep this up. Conversation 3: Jake: I love her. Thats the funny thing. She knows about it too but she doesnt care. She just doesnt care. Everything I am is with her. I tell her. Shes just like you, lol its all about her. Even now when Im hurt the most, I tell her shes beautiful and she doesnt want to hear me.

Those were some of the conversations which broke her heart. She could feel the actual pain in her chest. It was horrible. Brooklyn had to force herself to sleep. She wanted the day to just end.

Chapter 2: Sticks and Stones May Break Her Bones but Words will Make Her Bleed
The reason why Brooklyn cut herself was because the emotional pain was just too unbearable for her. Sometimes she felt dead inside, so the pain reminded her that she was still alive, because if you bleed, youre alive. Brooklyn also cut because she wanted to kill the monster that lived inside of her. It would tell her horrible things, it would mentally destroy her. It was also a form of punishment. I screw everything up. Everything is my fault She would tell herself every day. She liked to watch herself heal. To her, its a beautiful thing; watching yourself heal. Theres something beautiful about scars of whatever nature; a scar means that you survived; it means that the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, and it is done with. Brooklyn started out with a rubber band; she would slap herself with a rubber band to deal with the pain. She swore to herself that she wouldnt started cutting because she didnt want scars. Slapping yourself with a rubber band would only leave some red marks that would stay there for at most, a day. The pain would send a shiver

down her spine, which she liked, but after a while slapping herself with a rubber band wasnt enough. That evening, she was upset because she had just found out that Allison, someone who she thought was her friend, had flirted with Jake and that he had flirted back with her. How could she? she thought. She promised me that she wouldnt flirt with him She backstabbed me She stole him from me She mumbled under her breath as she took a pair of scissors and made small cuts on her wrist. She didnt think that the scissors would be sharp enough to cut her but she was surprised when she saw a line of red blood forming on her wrist. She smiled, the pain felt good. She needed another form of pain, physical pain, to help deal with the emotional pain that she was feeling inside. She was so hurt, and just didnt know what to do anymore. Brooklyn loved Jake so much that it literally hurt. The cutting started with scissors, but then it soon moved on to something much sharper; a box cutter. The box cutter was a slightly blunt, but it still managed to cut her skin. The funny thing is, at first she was kind of afraid of the box cutter. She didnt want it to

hurt, but later she realized that she wanted to feel that much pain. Every time she cut, she would send Jake pictures, she wanted him to tell her to stop. She wanted him to worry about her. What she didnt realize that deep down inside, she wanted his attention. She was attention seeking, in a way, but she didnt realize it. Dont get me wrong, Brooklyn didnt cut for attention. Well, not the kind of attention that youre thinking about. Cutting was a cry for help. She wanted to be saved from herself. Brooklyn wanted Jake to be her superman to take away her pain and make her happy again; she wanted him to love her. Thats all she ever wanted; just to be loved by Jake. She wanted him to be hers so badly that she would do anything to have him. Brooklyn opened up to him, but every time she did, he would just get mad at her and he would say that she was complaining. She let him break down her walls, but he didnt do the same. Jake rarely opened up, he never told her how he was feeling and that frustrated her. It really did. She felt like she had shut her out.

It may sound crazy, but she found happiness in the sight of blood dripping down her wrist. Brooklyn remembered how it was like before, when she was happy, when she didnt have to wear multiple bracelets and long t-shirts to hide her cuts and scars, when she wasnt constantly paranoid when someone looked at her, thinking that they were looking at her scars. For some reason, she had a weird compulsion to stare at peoples arms to see if they were hiding the same dark secrets as her. Many people ask what its like to cut. Well, before you cut, you sit there, deciding whether or not to do it, and when you finally make your first cut, youre hooked with a lingering temptation. After the second cut, it becomes a game. After youre done, you disinfect your wounds and bandage it, as an infection is something you fear with all your heart. Its funny because taking care of the cuts after makes you feel like youre taking care of yourself. What drove Brooklyn to cut? It was mostly Jake but, the expectation of perfection also drove her to keep hurting herself. She wanted to prove to Jake that he wasnt the only one who could hurt her. Jake was also indirectly part of the reason why she was bulimic and anorexic; she just never felt good enough for him. Jake had flirted with girls and when Brooklyn saw those comments, it would make her heart sink.

Maybe if I was skinnier, he would love me, she told herself. He doesnt want you because youre so fucking fat. Look at those huge thighs and arms, and your fat tummy? Thats disgusting. Youre a disgusting, fat, pig. Mia and Ana would tell her constantly, every day. Ana and Mia were her friends, they told her to purge, and to even skip meals. When her parents would ask her why she wasnt eating dinner, Ana made her tell them that she had a big lunch in school, which was a lie, because she didnt even have lunch at all, she skipped that too. Her new friends in school had even questioned why she didnt eat during recess. Brooklyn had transferred school at the beginning of the year because she was being bullied. Every day this clique would call her fat. Youre so fat. The leader of the clique, Lauren, would tell her right in front of her face. Once, when they had to take their height and weight in school, the teacher made Elle, one of the girls from Laurens clique, record down all the girls heights and weights. Brooklyn panicked; she didnt want Elle to know her weight because she would tell the other girls in the clique her weight. She waited nervously for her turn.

As the girl who was in front of her stepped off the scale, her heart stopped beating, it was her turn. She trembled as she stepped on the scale, and felt the coldness from the metal scale on her feet. It sent a shiver down her spine. Please dont be over 50kg, she begged and prayed. Brooklyn looked down and was horrified at the number. 55.4kg. Elle saw the number and recorded it down. Brooklyn quickly got off the scale and made a beeline to the corner of the room. She turned back and saw Elle telling Lauren something. Crap, shes telling Lauren my weight right now, she panicked. She saw the shock on Laurens face, and watched Lauren run the group of girls in front of her, and she could hear what Lauren was telling them because she was right behind her when she was telling the group of girls her weight. OH. MY. GOD. BROOKLYN IS 55.4KG! SHES SUCH A FAT ASS! She told the group of girls, who were just as shocked as Lauren was. Brooklyn was so embarrassed, she wanted to just crawl into a hole and die. She had wished that the ground would just swallow her.

She cried the whole period after that. That was another incident that triggered her eating disorder. Brooklyn swore to herself that she was going to be so thin that they would cry. She wanted to be perfect for Jake and so that those girls would never dare to call her fat ever again. She wanted to be perfect so bad that she cried herself to sleep every night; she just didnt understand why they were being so mean to her. So in the end, she decided to change school. A new school, a new beginning, she told herself.

Chapter 3: Make It Stop


What the hell is wrong with you?! she could hear her mothers screams from the other room. She crawled to a corner of the room and covered her ears, whispering stop, stop, stop, not wanting to hear her parents arguing. She just wanted to scream. Her parents were fighting yet again. Lately, her parents had been fighting more than usual. She wasnt really sure what they were fighting about. It had been like this for years, ever since she was a little kid. She remembered how she would have to comfort her little sister, wiping away her tears as she wiped away hers. Mommy and Daddy might fight, but we still love each other, her parents would always tell them. Nobody in school knew about her broken family; they all thought that her family was perfectly happy, with no problems. How wrong they were. Brooklyn had to stay strong, and hold her family together. She was a troubled kid, who always got into trouble in school.

Shes your daughter; you raised her to be what she is now! She could hear her mother shout, which was followed by the loud sound of a door slamming. Her father had just left through the front door. Even though she knew that her father would return later, like he always did, a small part of her feared that this time, he wouldnt return. You are a disgrace to the family; Im ashamed to call you my daughter. Her mother would always tell her. Once, her mother even told her to go kill yourself. Brooklyns mother wasnt the nicest person; everyday she would bring her down by telling her that she was fat. She even told her that she was a mistake and that she shouldnt have been born. She always tried to impress her, but it never worked. She was never good enough for her. So one day, she decided that she was going to stop trying to be perfect for her mother because it wasnt worth it. She gave up. Brooklyn was blamed for everything. Her little sister blamed her for mommy and daddy fighting all the time. Even her father blamed her for all the stress in his life. Everything was her fault.

The only reason why her parents were still together was because of her and her sister, but she knew it was only a matter of time before they would split.

Chapter 4: Depression Consumed Her


The whole winter break she was depressed, worrying about her new school and the people in it; she was afraid that the girls in her new school would be like Lauren and her clique, and she was afraid of what the boys would think of her, as she had been in an all girls school for seven years. She was also depressed because she loved Jake but he didnt know. She wished so hard that hed love her back. Brooklyn was head over heels in love with him. She had planned out their future in her head; they were going to get married and have three kids. She hated the four thousand mile distance between them, and the time zone difference. It was driving her mad. She wanted to just hop on a plane to Oregon and be with him for the rest of her life. She wanted it so bad that she would leave her family behind just to be with him. It consumed her slowly; her sadness did not have that, it dripped slowly into her life without her noticing it, at least, not noticing it until it consumed her fully and smothered her with darkness.

She just wanted to scream; she missed him so bad. How can you miss someone youve never met? Its stupid. Im stupid. She told herself every day. People think depression is about being sad. They think its just when you feel down. Its not. Its like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. Its not sadness, its not anger, its hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no colour. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When youre depressed, its not a bad mood. Its a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave, its feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like theres no hope left. People would always tell her to smile more often, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Brooklyn had tried that; hiding her sorrow and covering the sadness in smiles and what shes learned is that when it hurts that much inside, your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear. Brooklyn always tried to brighten Jakes day, even if she couldnt brighten her own, she wrote songs for him,

telling him how much she loved him and how beautiful he was. Jake never told her that she was beautiful or even pretty for that matter, so she stopped believing that she was, and no matter how many people told her she was beautiful, she didnt believe it; she would only believe it when Jake told her that she was. It didnt matter if she was beautiful in the eyes of other people, the just wanted to be beautiful to Jake so, she tried to be perfect for him. And thats how Ana and Mia became her best friends.

Chapter 5: Love at First Sight for Her, Lust on the First Night for Him.
When Brooklyn first met Jake, he was a total jerk to her, but she still loved him. It was love at first sight for her, even though she didnt actually see him. After an argument, he told her to go away, but she didnt give up, she kept trying to talk to him. Then, he told her that he wouldnt talk to her unless she sexted him. She had nothing to lose anyway so she sexted him. She even sent him some nude pictures. Jake: I didnt think youd actually do it. Brooklyn: Well, I have nothing to lose and I dont mind. Jake: Damn, youre so sexy. Brooklyn: Heh, I thought you wanted me to go away? Jake: You arent going anywhere. ;3 *Pulls you closer* So one thing lead to another and they sexted the whole night. They later became sext buddies They sexted quite frequently. Brooklyn knew she was in love with him, but at the time, she still wasnt over her ex, Alex. She met Alex online too. They virtually dated for about a

week, and then he broke up with her to be with another girl. She was so heartbroken. For weeks, she had grieved her breakup. Then one fine day, Jake followed her on Instagram. She decided to check him out and when she saw his pictures, she thought, Holy crap, hes so freaking cute. And then suddenly it hit her; she could feel it in her bones that this boy was going to mean so much to her. She looked through the comments, trying to find his username for this chat app called Kik. She found it and she immediately added him. The rest was history. A few weeks after she met Jake, Alex texted her, asking to have him back. Her heart wanted him, but her brain knew better. He was just going to hurt her again. Let me think about it okay? She told him. Almost a few hours after that, her best friend, Taylor, send her a picture of a screen shot of a conversation with Alex. Alex: Youre beautiful (; Taylor: Thanks. :3 Then he sent a kissy face emoticon. Brooklyn was enraged. What the hell?! Why didnt Taylor stop him from flirting with her?! Shes taken! She was so mad at Taylor. YOU FREAKING KNEW THAT I STILL LOVE HIM, WHY THE HELL DID YOU LET HIM

FLIRT WITH YOU? YOURE TAKEN. REMEMBER REILLY? She yelled at her. Brooklyn stayed mad at Taylor for about three days, until she decided that she wasnt going to let some guy ruin their friendship. She didnt trust Alex at all anymore, so she went straight up to his face and told him that she was never going to back him, especially since he flirted with her best friend. She then told Jake about Alex wanting her back. Jake: Who would you chose? Me or Alex? Brooklyn: You. :3 Im never going back to Alex. Im done with him. Im done with love too, I like sexting. It gives me an adrenaline rush. I live for the adrenaline. Jake: I wish all girls were like you. Brooklyn: Haha(: She told herself that she was done with relationships and love because it just wasnt worth it. What she didnt know was; deep down inside, she wanted Jake to be hers badly.

Brooklyn would bleed herself dry for him; she loved him more than she loved herself. It sucked because she knew Jake would never love her like she loved him. She remembered the bittersweet memory of how she asked Jake to be her valentine, Brooklyn: So I was kinda waiting for you to ask me but, I knew you would never ask me this so yeah. Ive been wanting to ask you for a while now, so will you be my valentine? >_< I hope you say yes cause I dont want to be alone AGAIN this year. Ive never had a valentine so if you say yes, youll be my first valentine. Just saying. Jake: Yes. Brooklyn: Omg really? Am I dreaming? O_O I was kinda prepared for you to say no. Jake: Ill be your valentine. That valentines day, she dressed up in black lingerie, and sent him pictures. They sexted for hours. It was the romantic kind of making love, where they cared for each other and there was a lot of kissing. She liked sexting him cause when they sexted, she felt like he loved her. It was like they were the last two people on earth. It was an amazing feeling.

It was love when she was making love to him. He was her lover, her soul mate, he was the missing piece of her which made her complete. Later that day when they were talking about Valentines Day, he asked her to be his Valentine, Jake: I have love potion ;3 Jake: So I was your Valentines Day valentine. Will you be my Valentines Day Valentine? Brooklyn: Haha C: Id be your valentine any day darling. <3 She was so happy; seeing that text made her heart melt. He was everything to her, he was perfect to her. Jake was a brunette, with gorgeous bright blue eyes. Those gorgeous blue eyes put the city lights to shame. They were like the deep blue sea. He was quite thin, but he had abs. He was eye candy. He also had an emo haircut, which she loved. Even though he was 19, he looked like he was 16. Brooklyn preferred older guys. He was Brooklyns type. She wished that her eyes were blue or green instead of brown, but Jake told her that he loved brown eyes. And he had a great sense of humour. He was weird, but she loved his weirdness. It was refreshing to her. She was weird too though, so they were both weird.

It was perfect. He was her type, and she was his. His type was brunettes with brown eyes. He also liked shorter girls, which described Brooklyn. She had dark brown hair, with chestnut brown eyes and she was 54 tall. Her eyes were like chocolate and her dark brown hair had an orange tinge to it in the sunlight, and it had a few strands of gold hair here and there. She was mixed. Half Asian, half White. Both of them had an American accent. In her new school, people would go crazy because she had an American accent. She thought it was funny how they would go crazy over her accent. She loved Jakes voice. It was like music to her ears. It was deep and attractive. She loved hearing his voice. It was her favourite sound. He had a YouTube channel, where he posted funny videos. He could always make her laugh; she loved his humour. Brooklyn practically loved everything about Jake. All her friends agreed that they would make a cute couple, and that they were perfect for each other, but Jake said that he wont date her cause she was too young, and because of the distance. That was always his excuse. She knew that he didnt want to date her because he friendzoned her. It frustrated her. She was okay with the fact that they werent dating, because she thought that even though they werent dating, he was hers. But she was terribly wrong, because in the end, he got a girlfriend.

Chapter 6: The Haunting


It was haunting her; she couldnt stop picturing him with her. And when he uploaded a picture of her on Instagram, with the caption This is my girlfriend and I love her, it tore her apart. She felt like a knife had just stabbed her in her heart. The pain was beating on her like a drum. Brooklyn: I was doing alright until I saw a picture of her Jake: Brooke, dont be ridiculous Why would seeing her make you upset? Brooklyn, Cause I cant stop picturing you with her, and its killing me mentally. Do you know how much this is killing me? Jake: Well stop thinking about it. God, you were doing great until now. You can do it again. Brooklyn: Ugh. I cant stop thinking about it, youre all I ever think about. Youre stuck in my head and wont get out. I cant even sleep without dreaming about you. Youre everywhere. I see your face everywhere. Its haunting me. I swear Im losing my mind. Jake: Hey, I love you. That wasnt the first time Jake had told her he loved her. The first time her told her he loved her was went she

was upset at him. One day, he changed his profile name to Jake <3s Bree. Erm, whats with the new name? She asked him. Brooklyn knew who Bree was. She stalked his Instagram profile, so she saw the comments and their conversation. Bree was some girl who commented on his photos, calling him cute etc. She checked her out. Her first thoughts were oh my god, shes prettier than me After telling Taylor about the girl and how she thought that she was prettier than her, Taylor told her that she wasnt pretty, and that she could remove ninety-five of her beauty with a facecloth. Brooklyn then realised that in every photo, her face was caked with makeup, and she put on so much foundation that it looked like she had clay on her face. She even wore a crap load of mascara and she wore false lashes. She was faker than a Barbie doll. She looks like a man. Taylor told Brooklyn. After looking closely at her pictures, she laughed as she agreed that she did look like a man. Taylor could always make Brooklyn feel better. Taylor was Brooklyns best friend. She literally could tell her anything and she wouldnt judge her like her

other friends would. She was one of the few people who understood her. Jake responded with, Some girl asked me to do it. Its that Bree girl from Instagram isnt it Brooklyn replied. Are you mad at me? D: He texted back. No, Im just really hurt She typed, her eyes filled with tears. I love you. He texted her. She stared at the text. She had waited for this moment for months; it was the first time he told her he loved her. She didnt believe that he meant it, and he was just saying that because she was upset with him, Brooklyn: Do you? Really? Jake: Really. Brooklyn: Are you just saying that to make me feel better so I wont cut? Jake: well, not JUST to do that. Brooklyn wanted to believe him, she really did, but for some reason she couldnt. When he told her he love

her. She felt nothing at all, nothing. She thought that when he would finally tell her, she would feel so happy and all but she felt nothing. She was incredibly disappointed.

Chapter 7: Loving Him to Death, Literally


Brooklyn couldnt take it anymore; the pain was consuming her, and it was killing her mentally. She was so hurt. That day, she decided that she was going to commit suicide to end the suffering of the heart break. She wrote a suicide letter to her parents, telling them why she wanted to kill herself and all about Jake and how he got a girlfriend and that she was heartbroken. She also wrote one to Jake and sent the picture of it to him and texted him, telling him that she was going to kill herself, because she couldnt take it anymore, and that she loved him, and that she hoped that they would be together in another life. Jake: They wont even load. It doesnt matter what they say, youre not going to kill yourself. Youre going to stay here with me and were going to be happy little friends that work through thick and thin to keep each other around. Brooklyn: Im sorry, I just cant. I want to die. Jake: Brooke, if you kill yourself youll kill me. And you dont go to heaven if you kill yourself. It was true; she knew it deep down in her heart that you dont go to heaven if you kill yourself. She knew about

Dantes inferno. You see, there are nine circles in hell each for a different sin. These three types of sin also provide the three main divisions of Dante's Hell: Upper Hell (the first 5 Circles) for the self-indulgent sins; Circles 6 and 7 for the violent sins; and Circles 8 and 9 for the malicious sins. They each have different punishments, and the lower you get, the worse it gets. She knew about this because she read about them online. The first circle is limbo, followed by lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence and fraud. However, there The first level of hell is where the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven live. The ground is firm, grassy and green and the air is clean and fresh. There is no punishment in Limbo but atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad, lacking hope Brooklyn felt like she was in limbo. The world seemed like the first level of hell; it was peaceful, yet sad, lacking hope. The second level of hell a place mute of all light, where there is eternal darkness and where the wind bellows. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane never rests, whirling them round and round. They have betrayed reason for their appetite for pleasure, and so here they are doomed

to eternity. Lovers like Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are can be found being blow by these never-ending winds of hell. The third level of the third circle, find yourself amidst eternal rain, cold and heavy. The gluttons are punished there, lying in the filthy mixture of shadows and of putrid water. Because they excessively consumed because of their greediness, theyll meet their fate beneath the cold, dirty rain, with the other souls that lay there unhappily in stinking mud. Cerebus, a cruel canine monster with three heads and red eyes, dwells in this level. He howls, growls and tears at the damned with his teeth and claws. In the forth level of hell, weights are rolled back and forth against one another. These sinners share eternal damnation with others who either wasted, lived greedily and insatiably, or who stockpiled their fortunes, hoarding everything and sharing nothing. Plutus, the wolf-like demon of wealth, lives in this level of hell. The fifth circle consists of a stinking swamp, mostly hidden by thick fog. The swamp is only ankle-deep, but slimy and thoroughly unpleasant. There are low-hanging trees and bushes dotted about. This circle is home to two types of sinner, the wrathful and the sullen. These eternally damned souls have an eternal rage against themselves due to which they attack and bite their own

bodies naked. Because they lived a cruel, vindictive and hateful life, theyll meet their fate in the Styx. The sixth level has three rings. The outer ring (This ring houses the violent against people and property), the middle ring (In this ring are the suicides; the violent against ones self), and the inner ring, (In this ring are the ones violent against nature or violent against god). This level is called The City of Dis; Satan's wretched city where you behold a wide plain surrounded by iron walls. Before them are fields full of distress and torment terrible. Burning tombs are littered about the landscape. Inside these flaming sepulchers suffer the heretics, failing to believe in God and the afterlife, who make themselves audible by doleful sighs. They will join the wicked that lie here, and will be offered no respite. Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies.

Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level. Those guilty of fraudulence and malice; the seducers and pimps, who are whipped by horned demons, the hypocrites, who struggle to walk in lead-lined cloaks; the barraters, who are ducked in boiling pitch by demons known as the Malebranche. The simonists, wedged into stone holes, and whose feet are licked by flames, kick and writhe desperately. The magicians, diviners, fortune tellers, and panderers are all here, as are the thieves. Some wallow in human excrement. Serpents writhe and wrap around men, sometimes fusing into each other. Bodies are torn apart. When you arrive, you will want to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners here, who are afflicted with scabs like leprosy, and lay sick on the ground, furiously scratching their skin off with their nails. Indeed, justice divine doth smite them with its hammer. The deepest level of hell, where the fallen angel Satan himself resides. His wings flap eternally, producing chilling cold winds that freeze the thick ice found in Cocytus. The three faces of Satan, black, red, and yellow, can be seen with mouths gushing bloody foam and eyes forever weeping, as they chew on the three traitors, Judas, Brutus, and Cassius. This place is furthest removed from the source of all light and warmth. Sinners here are frozen deep in the ice, faces out, eyes and mouths frozen shut.

Traitors against God, country, family, and benefactors lament their sins in this frigid pit of despair. All of this information that she learned about the nine levels of hell came from the online websites. She didnt know why, but she found this stuff about hell, angels and death interesting. So from that she learnt that people who committed suicide were doomed in the seventh level of hell. Which was pretty bad, but she didnt care, any place would be better than this hell on Earth. Brooklyn: I just cant take it anymore. Im sorry. </3 I love you, and Ill continue to love in another life, I just cant live in this one anymore, too many mistakes, too many regrets, too little to live for. Bye. Jake: Brooke stop right now. Do you want to kill me? Cause you will I swear. Brooklyn: No, but I want to kill myself. Jake: Brooke, Im gonna call someone. Brooklyn: huh? Jake: Im gonna call someone to get you right now if you dont stop. Brooklyn: Its weird, there are stars out tonight. We rarely see stars here cause the city is kinda polluted. *Sends a picture of the sky, but its pitch black*

Brooklyn: Bleh, you cant see a thing, but trust me, theres like a gazillion stars out right now. Jake: Stop please. Ill do anything to keep you from doing this. You want me happy. This wont do it. Brooklyn: They say that good things happen to those who wait, well Ive been waiting for you, all this time, hoping that Id be rewarded. Jake: I love you. Brooklyn: I love you even more, and you know that thats true. Im in pain. It really hurts. Do you know how much this hurts me? Well maybe you dont. I dont know. But you know how painful it is to see the one you love, be with and love that person more than they love you. Jake: You know what Brooke, I went through 10x the pain youve gone through. I just dont complain 24/7 like you do. I want you alive. No one wanted me alive. If thats not enough reason to stay alive then I dont know what is. Brooklyn: I feel weak. Jake: You can be strong. Brooklyn: For me its not possible anymore And when I mean I feel weak, I mean emotionally AND physically. I feel so worn out. My body just feels so numb from the

pain, and like I just cant eat or sleep, I have no appetite to eat and I just cant sleep. Its eating me alive. Jake: Itll get better Brooke, I love you. Thats what they ALL say. Itll get better. Well, it doesnt. It just gets worse. And they know its true, they just dont want to say it in front of my face. She thought to herself as she sat there on the ledge of her window, the cool night breeze flowing through her hair. It felt so good, it felt peaceful. Jump Brooke jump, the wind whispered in Brookes ear. Just jump Brooke, all the pain and hurt will go away. Youll be safe in gods arms. The voices in her head told her. Jake made her call him and they talked for about half an hour or so, trying to talk her out of suicide. His voice was so deep. Brooklyn loved his voice. It was so calming. Brooklyn: Dont think of it as you killing me, just think of it as putting me out of my misery. Its like if you ran over a dog with your car, and it was bleeding and had no chance of survival, would you shoot it with a gun to put it out of its misery? Jake: I would bring it home and help it.

Brooklyn: Well, in this hypothetical situation, it cant be saved. There was an awkward silence; she knew that he just didnt know what to say anymore. You dont love me. Do you She said, to break the silence. I do, he replied with a firm voice. Then say it, say it right now. She said, not convinced. I love you He replied. She was speechless; she didnt know what to say. She didnt know how to reply to that. They went on talking, then for some reason, they network disconnected them. They continued their conversation through text. After a while, he got pissed at her, and they argued. In the end, he made her throw away the pills that Ana made her get and throw away her razor blades. She did it cause if she didnt throw them away, he would have left.

There, its gone. She said, sending him a picture of the pills which had been flushed down the toilet, and the razor blades thrown in the trash. Youre horrible. He told her. Those words pierced her heart. The boy, whom she loved, just told her that she was horrible. It doesnt matter, youll just go behind my back and get new ones you little backstabber. He texted, she could tell he was really mad at her. You little backstabber. Those words flashed through her head, she felt so horrible. She didnt know what to say to him to make him stay; she knew he was going to leave her soon. Without thinking, she made him a promise that she would never cut again. Why do I ever expect anything good out of anyone, Im so stupid. I even know that my girlfriend is just going to go and break my heart, just like you, just like everyone else. He told her. Why doesnt he get that I dont want to break his heart? If he gave me his heart, Id keep it safe. Why wont he let me love him? I could never hurt him like he hurt me she asked herself. She remembered how she once dedicated the song Give your heart a break by Demi Lovato to him. She texted him the lyrics;

Don't wanna break your heart; I wanna give your heart a break. I know you're scared it's wrong, like you might make a mistake. There's just one life to live and there's no time to waste, to waste, so let me give your heart a break, give your heart a break, let me give your heart a break, your heart a break. And Cause you've been hurt before, I can see it in your eyes. You try to smile it away, some things, you can't disguise. Don't wanna break your heart, Baby, I can ease the ache, the ache. She knew that he was hurt in the past, because he told her that all his girlfriends cheated on him. Maybe thats why he is what he is. she thought. She didnt really know much because he never talked about it, and that frustrated her. She had wished that he would open up more and that he would let her in. Brooklyn let him in; she let him break all her walls down. Jake was one of the few people that she let in. She thought that he understood her because hes been through similar things that she was going through. The world is ours, if you want it. We can take it, if you just take my hand >< She texted him.

To that he replied, Youre cute. She was the romantic type. She loved to dedicate songs to him. To be honest, Brooklyn really wanted him to take her hand. She wanted to run away with him, maybe even start a family. He felt like home. She was homesick; she missed him so bad. He told her that he didnt trust her and that he would never trust her. That broke her heart. She felt like a knife had just stabbed her in the heart. It hurt that the person she loved, didnt trust her. After arguing for another hour, he finally told her that she just didnt get it. She didnt know how to reply to that, so she just texted him back a |; face and fell asleep. She was tired. She was tired of fighting, tired of everything. She woke up about 4 hours later and noticed that he had texted her about an hour after she fell asleep. Im sorry... I got a little out of hand. She was relieved, he had cooled down. She hated how he would get mad at her so easily. It frustrated her so much that it made her want to just scream. Brooklyn: Its okay. >_< Jake: You just scared me and it make me upset.

Brooklyn: Listen to this, (sends him a picture of the lyrics from a song called Nobodys Perfect By Jessie J.) When I'm nervous I have this thing, yeah, I talk too much Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up It's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'll listen And that's where I seem to fuck up Yeah, I forget about the consequences For a minute there I lose my senses And in the heat of the moment my mouth starts going The words start flowing, oh But I never meant to hurt you I know it's time that I learned to Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved This is a lesson learned I hate that I let you down And I feel so bad about it I guess karma comes back around 'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah And I hate that I made you think That the trust we had is broken Don't tell me you can't forgive me 'Cause nobody's perfect

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect, no If I could turn back the hands of time I swear I never would've crossed that line I should of kept it between us But, no, I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh So I sit and I realize With these tears falling from my eyes I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever I promise that I'm gonna try Jake: I dont hate you Brooke, I could never. I love you. Brooklyn: <3 I love you too. The conversation pretty much ended there. They then talked normally; talking about random things. What he didnt know was how much those pointless conversations meant to her. She could practically talk to him about anything. Every time something funny would happen, he would be the first person she told the story to. He was like her best friend. It was wonderful. Life was wonderful back then, till it all started to slowly fall apart.

Chapter 8: Slipping Away


They started to talk less. He took forever to reply to her texts. It really frustrated her because she could feel him slipping away through her finger tips, she could feel they becoming what they were before; strangers. She wanted to cuddle and kiss him so badly, but she had to control herself as he had a girlfriend. At night when she would get cold, she would text him and cuddle him. Even though they werent actually cuddling, she would feel warmer. Brooklyn hated how she was always cold, but since she had Jake, it wasnt such a bad thing, but all the cuddles had to end when he got a girlfriend. Now when she was cold at night, she would have to wrap her arms around herself in attempt to keep herself warm, and would

cry herself to sleep, wishing that he would break up with his girlfriend and be hers. She still wished for him at 11:11, even though she knew she was wishing for something that would never happen; something impossible. She absolutely hated how distant they had become, and she really missed all those pointless late night conversations that they use to have. Brooklyn would have given anything just to hold him close again, even if it was just for one night. She tried to remember the last time they touched; it was many weeks ago when she was sick and Jake wanted to role play. Brooklyn: Ugh, my throat and whole body is so sore. I feel like crap. Jake: Do you need Dr Jake? ;3 Brooklyn: Yes. :3 Jake: Come and sit on my lap. Brooklyn: *crawls over and sits on your lap* Jake: Hmm, youre too light. O: Brooklyn: No, but I will be. :3

Without thinking, she sent a picture of the dieting pills that Ana made her buy a few days before. Jake: Oh god. Brooklyn: Ana made me buy them. :c That was the last time they ever touched. A few days later, Jake got a girlfriend. Brooklyn regretted telling him about the pills as she felt that that helped him make his decision on whom to choose. She felt like a monster; she hated what she had become. She knew that Jake felt the same way because he told her. I hate what youve become, he told her. I do to She said truthfully. Brooklyn really did hate what she had become, she felt disgusted at herself. No wonder Jake chose her instead of you, she isnt as horrible as you. She told herself. She stared at the girl looking back at her in the mirror. She didnt recognise her at all. The girl that she once knew was now unrecognizable. Youre a disgusting, fat, ugly, pig. She yelled at the mirror. Youre so fucking hideous, why would he ever want you? Look at yourself, actually dont, youre too disgusting to look at, and thats when she took out a

eyeliner pencil and started writing horrible things all over her stomach. Ugly, fat, stupid, liar, emo, slut, bitch and alone. Those were only some of the horrible things that she wrote. Jake doesnt love you., Go kill yourself slut. Not good enough was also written there. Remember the hurtful things Jake said to her, she wrote, Youre terrible. You little backstabber. She was in self destruct mode; she destroyed herself on the inside. She killed herself on the inside. She pointed a finger to the mirror and said, Thats what you are. You fucking ugly fat bitch. Jake doesnt fucking love you. Why would he? Youre terrible. Even Jake said it himself, he HATES you. She wiped the teardrops that fell from her eyes fiercely; the heavy rainclouds in her mind let loose their turbulent nature. Broken, thats what she was. Her eyes were bleeding the salts of her soul. She sobbed for hours, staring at her own face in the mirror, hating her reflection. She took a picture and sent it to Jake with the caption, I destroyed myself on the inside, but she knew that Jake couldnt give a damn about her; he never asked her if she was okay and he would get mad at her when she became all depressed and emo. She cared about him so much, but he couldnt give a damn about her. He was her everything. She was his nothing.

She didnt know what to do; she felt so empty inside. When Jake had left her, he had taken a big part of her. She felt like her heart was ripped out of her chest. She felt so numb from the pain. She curled up into a ball and wept. She choked on her tears and she felt like she couldnt breathe. She felt so lonely and she just needed him. He said that he cared about me and he wanted to be there for me when I needed him. Well, where is he now? She questioned herself. Her phone buzzed. I wish you hadnt he replied. Thats all? She said to herself. She wanted him to say something like, Dont destroy yourself sweetheart, youre beautiful. I love you. But no, all he said was I wish you hadnt. Jake had disappointed her yet again. Jake kept letting her down, but she still loved him the same. Not only had Jake let her down, he would also screw her over. Sometimes she just wanted to leave but she didnt because she loved him so much. She never gave up on him, but he had given up on her. Her eyes were so tired and swollen. Her vision became blurred. She just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. In the blur of the moment, she lost who she was.

Chapter 9: Sleeping Beauty


A lot had happened that day; Brooklyn started talking to Jakes girlfriend. She felt like she was playing with fire. The adrenaline was being pumped through her veins at light speed. She could feel it in her bones; the tingle down her spine overwhelmed her. It all happened so fast; one thing lead another and they just started talking. She had posted a photo of her cuts and his girlfriend saw that post, and commented, asking her to text her. Brooklyn didnt want to talk to her, fearing that Jake would get pissed at her, as he had told her that if she ever talked to his girlfriend, she would be dead. Death seemed like a good idea though. Shed rather be dead than alive. Brooklyn would have been dead

by now, if she had the nerve to actually go through with killing herself. So far, shes had a little over five suicide attempts; she lost count after the third one. She just had the nerve to do it. Youre such a coward, she told herself. Why cant you just jump? Imagine how nice it would feel; no more pain, no more hurt. She smiled at the thought of no more pain or hurt. She couldnt deal with all the pain inside; it was tearing her apart slowly and she didnt know what to do. The adrenaline doubled as she started talking to Jake and his girlfriend, Marissa at the same time. On one end, she was talking to his girlfriend, telling her how much she loved Jake. It was weird talking to his girlfriend. She apologised to Marissa, saying she was sorry that she was in love with her boyfriend. Marissa was nice about it, as she had told her that she had been in a similar situation before, with her ex. Its okay, no need to apologise. She told Brooklyn. She felt bad that Marissa had to deal with her. For some reason, Marissa started to go on full blast bitch mode and started saying mean things to her like, He used you, Jake doesnt love you, he loves me. That hurt her soul. The fact that Jake was mad at her hurt her soul too. He had left her the day before, and Brooklyn sent him loads of texts, asking him to come back.

She cut, deep. Usually she didnt cut deep but this time she wanted to cut deep, she took the razor that she had gotten from a disposable razor and sat on her bathroom floor, cutting her arm. She held the razor firmly and she could feel the coolness from the metal razor. She took a deep breath as the razor pierced deep into her skin; about 3mm in. She moved her hand slowly, slicing her soft skin. It was about 3mm in. The wound started to bleed heavily immediately, and blood started to flow down her arm. The blood felt cool on her skin. She liked it. She told herself that she deserved it and that it was her fault that Jake hated her. After she finished tearing her skin apart, she cried herself to sleep, again. For some reason she still had a bit of hope. She told herself that it would be better in the morning and swearing to herself that if Jake didnt text her the next day, she was going to kill herself. Sure enough, she woke up the next morning to find texts from Jake. Jake: I hate you Brooke. (5:06am) Jake: Brooke I didnt mean that.. (11:09am) Jake: Ugh. (11:09am) Jake: Please stop whatever youre doing right now. (11:09am)

Jake: If youre trying to scare me then it worked ok, you can talk to me now. (11:23am) The minute she saw those texts, her heart speed up, tears welled up the corners of her eye. He came back. She was ecstatic. Brooke: Hey :c Im sorry. D; *hugs* I dont hate you. :c Jake: I thought you killed yourself.. Brooke: idk. I couldnt do it. I told myself that if you didnt talk to me today, I would kill myself like later but you talked to me so yay. Jake: Ok. Brooklyn: Dont get mad okay. I kinda cut. Deep. With a knife. Omg. I sound like a crazy person. Im not crazy I swear. I just didnt know what to do okay. There was a shitload of blood >< Jake: I know, I figured you would. Brooklyn: :c Dont be mad okay. You just really scared me, and I was in panic mode. Jake: Im not mad. Brooklyn: Dont do that to me okay. :c I hate it when you scare me like that.

Brooklyn: Oh. I thought youd hate me for it. (Sends him a picture of her arm, where she cut deep and there was blood flowing down her arm) Brooklyn: I cried and bled for like 3 hours and like it just wouldnt stop bleeding and I was kinda panicking so yeah. Then I forced myself to go to sleep because I was tired. It took me a while to fall asleep, I just kept crying. But eventually I wore myself out and yeah. Dont ever do that to me again okay. Jake: Thats close to as deep as I would cut. After that, they got into yet another argument and Jake told her that he never meant it when he told her he loved her and that he had told her that when they had first met. She didnt know what to believe anymore. The pain was unbearable. The next thing she knew, he snapped at her and told her to go die. Maybe I will. She told him. Good. Bye. was his reply. He didnt even try to stop her. He wanted her dead, but what he didnt know was that he was about to get his wish. She told Marissa that he told her to die and Marissa told her that she yelled at him for it.

Brooklyn doubted that she did. Lies, all freaking lies. She thought to herself as she looked through the saved conversations that she had with Jake where he told her he loved her, and that he cared about her and wanted to be there for her. Its all fucking bullshit. I need him more than ever now, but he isnt here. He was never there for me when I needed him. I was always there for him. I always tried to brighten his day when I couldnt even brighten my own, and how does he repay me? By screwing me over and hurting me? He wants me dead. Well, sweetheart, youre going to get your wish. She put her phone down and rummaged through the drawer in the bathroom, and unearthed a bottle of dieting pills. She uncapped it, and took out a little over fifteen pills. She snuck into her parents room and stole some of her dads heart pills. That should be enough to kill me, She said as she took a glass of water and swallowed all the pills. Now all I have to do is wait, she told herself as she grabbed her phone and played the song. Somebody I used to know By gotye. The song fit her situation clearly. She sat there, screaming the lyrics as bitter tears formed and then coursed down her face; Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over. But had me believing it was always something that I'd done. But I don't wanna live that way, reading into every

word you say, you said that you could let it go and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know. She screamed the last sentence of that verse, You said that you could let it go and I wouldnt catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know as loud as she could, glistening tears rolling down her face. She choked on her tears, but she fought the tears and continued to sing to herself. But you didn't have to cut me off, make it like it never happened and that we were nothing and I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough. And you didn't have to stoop so low, have your friends collect your records and then change your number. I guess that I don't need that though, now you're just somebody that I used to know. She screamed that verse just as loud. After a while she felt lonely, so she decided to play The Last Night by Skillet, as that was the song that she would listen to when she felt lonely. For some reason, it would make her feel less lonely. Suddenly, she felt dizzy and her vision started blurring and the next thing she knew, she was on the floor. Her last thought was Jake; she saw his beautiful angelic face before everything became a total blur.

Chapter 10: Survival


Brooklyn opened her eyes and was blinded by a bright light. Where. Am I? She stuttered, looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings, she turned her head in the direction of her mother. She could tell that she had been crying, from her puffy eyes and red nose. Youre in the hospital sweetie. Her mother told her in a kind gentle tone as she stroked her cheek. She felt a sudden prick of pain on her left arm. She turned her attention to the stitches that had been neatly stitched to close her cuts. They found cuts on your arms, wrist, and ankle, but those were deep so they had to stitch you up, her mother told her in a calm voice.

Oh god, they mustve seen my other cuts and scars too, she thought to herself, as she panicked. Her darkest secret had been discovered. It was a horrible feeling, to have your deepest secret discovered. The doctors decided to keep her under observation and intensive care for a few hours, just in case she slipped into her coma again, before letting her go home. On the way home, her mother told her that this girl named Marissa had tried contacting her when she was in her coma, she told her that Marissa told her to tell her that everything was going to be okay. Huh, yeah right. Nothing is going to be okay when youre dating the boy I love. Well, if you guys broke up, THEN everything would be okay. But right now it isnt. It is never going to be okay, she thought to herself. When she got home, Marissa messaged her and in reply, she texted, Oh hey. This is Brooke. Marissa told her that she and Jake were happy that she was okay. No youre not. Jake doesnt care about me. He was the one who told me to go and kill myself. was her first thoughts. Brooklyn: Really? I dont believe you. Jake wasnt worried about me. Marissa: Really. And yes he was, he told me so. I was worried about you this whole time.

They continued to talk, and they even started to talk about random things as if they were friends. It was weird talking to Jakes girlfriend, especially since she had texted her, saying, He used you. He doesnt love you, he loves me. Marissa chewed her up and spit her out; she made Brooklyn feel horrible, but now, she was acting as if they were friends. And thats how it pretty much ended.

Chapter 11: Loudest Silence


Jake hadnt talked to Brooklyn for over a week. He wouldnt read any of her messages, he wouldnt reply to any of her texts, answer any of her calls, and he blocked her on Instagram. She felt utterly helpless. When she saw that he had blocked her, she just wanted to cry, he was trying to cut her out of his life. He was acting as if they were nothing, like she never existed. She was being erased and there was nothing she could do about it to try and stop him. She didnt want to be a part of his past, but now, all that she was, was a faded memory, he had forgotten about her. He forgot that she was even alive. She knew that she was just another regret because he told her over the phone, while crying, that he had never met her so that he wouldnt be in that situation. She wasnt sure if it was the frequency of his crying that broke her heart, or if it was the fact that he regret ever meeting her. He explained to her why he scribbled on his

left wrist, You want to know why I have that scribble on my wrist? Its to remind myself that Im a fucking coward. She didnt know what to say, she wished that she could just run there and hug him to death, because he needed a hug, and so did she. She missed the sound of his voice, and she didnt want to forget what his voice sounded like. His voice was a symphony to her ears. She would re-watch his YouTube videos, just to hear his voice, even though his voice now sounded different from his voice in the videos. It was as close as she was going to get to hearing his voice. Jakes silence was the loudest thing that shes ever heard. She was going mad. She sent frantic messages telling him to talk to her, and that she was sorry. She was sorry. She blamed it all on herself. Just because you were a stupid selfish bitch, hes gone, great job genius. She yelled at herself as she hit her head against the wall and ran straight into the wall. It hurt, but she told herself that she deserved it. She was literally beating herself up about it. She didnt know what to do, she felt so helpless. She missed him so badly that her bones ached. She would do anything to get him back, it was driving her mad. She was so stressed that she couldnt sleep well. She only got about a few hours of sleep each night only because

she forced herself to sleep. She was mentally and physically exhausted, especially in class. Brooklyn dozed off in class Math, English, Geography, and she even fell asleep in French for half an hour. She was so tired, but she just couldnt sleep, and when she did sleep, every dream that she dreamed was about Jake. In one of her dreams, Jake had texted her, telling her that he missed her and that he loved her. She woke up crying, realizing that it was only a dream, and that Jake was still ignoring her. He knew how much she hated the silent treatment. Usually when he left, he would return the next day, but this time, he wasnt coming back. A part of her still held on to him, but everyone including her brain, told her to let go. Let him go, let him go. She repeated to herself as she stood in front of the mirror. Stop thinking about him, he isnt thinking about you. Her brain kept telling her to let go and move on, but her heart kept telling her to hold on, even though there was barely anything to hold on to. When Jake left, he took away a big part of her, he took away her light. She had gone through this break up process with Alex, but this time it was different, she had know Jake for much longer than she knew Alex. Also, there was more love in this relationship.

After thinking over, she realized that Jake was her first real love, since she had found out that Alex was fake, Brooklyn had found his profile picture on Google, and when she questioned him about it, he gave some lame excuse, and when she asked him to send her a photo of himself, he refused to. She was then a hundred percent sure that he was a phony, and they hadnt talked since. Brooklyn had never wanted anyone as much as she wanted Jake. Not even Alex. She wanted Jake a gazillion times more than she had wanted Alex. She wanted him so bad that she would do anything to have him. She starved herself, thinking that if she were skinnier, hed want her. She wanted to be perfect for him. Everything she did was for him. Ive given up on myself. Please dont be like me, please dont ever give up on me. She told him. I dont plan on it. He reassured her. But now, he told her that he had given up on her. I give up on you. You already gave up on me a long time ago sweetheart. She replied. She tried to keep a straight face, even though it was killing her inside, and she had tried to be happy for him because when she would get into depression mode, it would piss him off. She felt like she had to pretend to be someone shes not around him. But then in the end, he still left, and what sucked was that she spent every second of the day thinking about him, yet he didnt even think

about her. He didnt even care about her. He didnt want to hear her sob stories because he said that she was complaining. It hurt, but she kept it all bottled in. She never once got mad at him, or even hurt him. She could never hurt him, even if she wanted to. If she had ever hurt him, she would have killed herself. Brooklyn hoped that one day, he would stop and think, damn, that girl really did love and care about me. Why did I ever let her go? She wanted him to regret ever leaving her. She wanted him to come crawling back to her. All she ever asked for was love, something she had never been shown. All she wanted was to be loved tremendously by him. She wanted to know what it feels like to be loved by him, and she wanted to know what it was like to be in his arms.

Chapter 12: The Life of a Bulimic


Brooklyn woke up to the thought of breakfast, and Jake. She immediately checked for a text from Jake, but there was nothing. She sighed; he hadnt talked to her for what seemed like forever. Trying to take her mind off of things, she went down to the kitchen and scanned the pantry, she choose cereal, thinking that there was still time to stop herself from eating too much. Cereal is a normal person's breakfast. But before she could think, I have reached for more than a normal person's serve. At that moment, it was as though she had become a machine. She wasnt thinking of what she was eating. It just tasted good, it was a good feeling to eat, and it all had to be done swiftly. After eating three bowls of cereal and drinking a lot of fluid in between to make the food come up more easily

later, she moved on to something tastier, something with more calories, something she would dare not eat if she was intending to digest it. After stuffing down nearly a loaf of bread, smothered with butter and jam, she move on to something else, until her stomach physically couldnt support any more; until it was about to burst. She dashed to the bathroom, turning on the shower to try to cover up the sounds of what she was about to do. She tied her long dark brown hair in a bun so that it would get in her face while bending down. Sometimes the food would come up without difficulty, especially if she had eaten something less obtrusive. But after months of experimentation and continual bingeing, the food would usually come up automatically after she ate, she no longer needed to put her fingers to the back of her throat. But this was a difficult morning. She forcefully shoved two fingers down the back of her throat, wiggling it. Her stomach muscles pushed as hard as they could, a gag reflex. Her stomach heaved and the relief of ridding the contents is unexplainable. Brooklyn reached for some toilet paper, scrunching it into a ball as she wiped away the left over contents of her stomach. She looked at the mirror, she felt exhausted and ashamed.

Her face was all swollen and red and tears roll down her rosy cheeks from the forcing effort. She notice how fat her face was and inspect the bulge beginning to hang under her chin. She lifted up her shirt and turned to look at herself sideways, and pinched at her stomach, sucking it in, imagining what she would look like ten pounds less. She frowned. She was disgusted by what she saw in the mirror. She stared at her ribs which were visible; she liked seeing her bones. She watched as her ribs moved with her every movement. She stared at the stick note that she had pasted on her mirror in attempt to better herself. Caution, reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed ideas of beauty, and a Taylor Swift quote, The only person who doesnt see your beauty is the face looking back at you in the mirror. She could still taste her food which was mixed with stomach juices and acid. Her throat felt like it was burning. She ran downstairs and gulped down a glass of water It is always the same. She swears that shell never do that again, but the next minute, shes shoving two fingers down the throat in attempt to rid the contents of her stomach.

Brooklyn still felt fat. She was unsatisfied. She laid down on the floor and got into a sit-up position. One, two, three She counted. She could feel the burn in her abdominal area. After doing about a hundred sit ups, she felt faint, but she pushed herself anyways. Ana kept telling her that being thin is worth it. So in the end, she did 50 squats, 20 leg lifts and 20 push-ups. That was her usual routine, and in school she didnt eat anything. Ive never seen you eat, her friends would comment. Oh, I had a big breakfast, Im not hungry. Would always be her excuse. She was hungry, but Ana would never let her eat. Look at all that fatty food with all those calories. It disgusts me. You disgust me. Ana would always whisper in her ear. She fought the urge to eat, and every recess she would sit there, texting her friends, in attempt to distract herself from food. She would even skip dinner, and when her parents questioned her unusual behaviour, she would just say that she had a big lunch at school. She became a good liar. Her parents believed her; too blind to notice that she was starving herself.

She nervously stepped on the weighing scale, stripped down to the bone. She feared even a mere sock would add to her weight. She was scared of the number that was going to appear before her. Please dont gain weight, please dont gain weight. She begged. 117lbs Was the number that appeared before her eyes. She was horrified, she had gained four pounds. She wanted to just scream and cry. She got off the scale, and dashed to her bed, she laid there, crying. She wanted to just die. Im so fat, Im so fat. She repeated as she clenched her fist and started pounding on her stomach. FAT, FAT, FAT. She screamed in fury. She was so tired, and barely had any energy left, so she fell asleep.

Chapter 13: Life After Love? I Dont Think So


It had been weeks since he left, but she was still feeling broken inside. Every love and heartbreak song reminded her of Jake. It was consuming her, she was too afraid to sleep because every time she slept, she dreamt of him. Even when her friends tried to cheer her up by saying things like hes an idiot for letting you go, youll find someone better there are plenty of fish in the sea. But what if I dont want any other fish? She told them. He was the one. She was deeply and desperately in love with him. No matter how much he hurt her, she could never stop loving him. She just couldnt let go.

A part of her wanted to move on, but the other part was hanging on by a mere tread. Her heart wouldnt let her let go. People would ask her Whats wrong?, but it was a hard question to answer when nothing was right. No amount of sleep could cure the tiredness that she was feeling. She just couldnt take it anymore. That day, she decided she was going to end all this suffering once and for all. Brooklyn sat down on her desk, writing away her suicide note. Dear mom and dad, Im sorry that I havent been a good daughter, just know that this isnt your fault. Was all she could come up with, she didnt know how to explain how shes been in love with a boy whom shes never met physically for four months, and she was crying too much to finish the rest of the note. Brooklyn decided to send one last text to Jake, saying her goodbye. I know that youre probably going to ignore this text but, I just wanted to say goodbye. Youve tried to cut me out of your life and youve ignore me for weeks. I cant take it anymore. And the thought of you being with her kills me on the inside. It shatters my heart. I can actually feel the pain in my chest from just thinking about it right now. I love you. I always have and always will. I will continue to

love you in another life. Thats a promise. I hope one day that our souls will somehow end up together. I really want us to be happy together. Goodbye my love. I hope youll miss me. She pressed send and laid her phone down on the table. She took a stool, placing it near her window, opening the window. The cool breeze immediately rushed in, flowing through her hair. She climbed out and stood at the edge, ready to leap. She stared at the blue sky. Maybe Ill wait just to see my last sunset. So she stood there, and waited for the sun to go down. She wanted to see her last sunset. Jake and Brooklyn both loved the sky. Jake told her that Sun rises were his favourite. Brooklyns favourite were sun sets. Thats how Brooklyn tried to live her life to the fullest, she would get up every morning just to watch the sunset and she would watch the sun go down every night. She saw the beauty in the tiniest of things, even if it was just a small flower, in the field. Brooklyn sat at her window ledge, singing the lyrics of white horse; Say you're sorry, that face of an angel Comes out just when you need it to As I paced back and forth all this time Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on Stupid girl, I should have known I should have known I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around She stared at the endless shades of pink, yellow and orange, painted on the canvas of the sky, blending perfectly to create a soft and serene environment. The sun was like a great big romantic, inspirational fire in the sky. It would be as if a powerful symphony was quieting down, becoming more emotional and beautiful as it faded into the distant horizon. Its rays seem friendly and it reminds you of an old friend, waving goodbye to you, knowing that they are leaving but you will see them again. The outer edges of the blazing sky began to cool with the indigo of the night, and soon, a thick blanket is pulled over the sky, dotted with buttons of glistening silver stars. Well, I guess its time to die. She said, she wanted to leap, but she was afraid to. jump, jump, jump. The demons in her head told

her. Dont be a chicken. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she wanted to die so badly. She wanted her pain to end. She slowly let go of the window frame, Then, she jumped. She felt so free. She smiled as the cool wind felt so good against her face as the earths gravity pulled her down. Her life flashed before her eyes. She saw the little girl who she used to be, so happy, so unbroken. She missed that little girl, but she knew she was never going to be that girl again. She saw Jake. Jake, she whispered. Crack. And that was it. She felt the impact. Brooklyn wasnt quite dead, yet. She could felt her broken bones. Her ribs were broken, and she could barely breathe. She was in so much pain that she moaned in agony as she laid there, bleeding internally and externally as she laid in a pool of her own blood, which was soaking into her shirt. Her blood was on his hands. Game over my love, you won were her last words before her vision blurred and everything became dark, and she saw a bright light.

Research Websites and References


Nine levels of hell reference: http://www.wolfram.demon.co.uk/rp_dante_hell.html#circ_I http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-infernoinformation.html http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inferno_(Dante)

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