LIFESKILLS

pre-delivery inspection

What You Need to Know BEFORE You Leave

the House to Transform Yourself Into
the Man that Women Desire

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui, PhD.

& Dr. Brendan Cavanaugh, PhD.
 The stories were from the very beginning of all things
human. They drifted along on the river of time, bumped
over the rapids of the generations, sometimes caught
and tore in the temporary dams of civilizations.

But they survived . . .

1:22 benedixitque eis dicens crescite et multiplicamini et replete aquas maris avesque multiplicentur
super terram
1:27 et creavit Deus hominem ad imaginem suam ad imaginem Dei creavit illum masculum et femi-
nam creavit eos
1:28 benedixitque illis Deus et ait crescite et multiplicamini et replete terram et subicite eam et domin-
amini piscibus maris et volatilibus caeli et universis animantibus quae moventur super terram
2:18 dixit quoque Dominus Deus non est bonum esse hominem solum faciamus ei adiutorium similem
sui
2:19 formatis igitur Dominus Deus de humo cunctis animantibus terrae et universis volatilibus caeli
adduxit ea ad Adam ut videret quid vocaret ea omne enim quod vocavit Adam animae viventis ipsum
est nomen eius
2:20 appellavitque Adam nominibus suis cuncta animantia et universa volatilia caeli et omnes bestias
terrae Adam vero non inveniebatur adiutor similis eius
2:21inmisit ergo Dominus Deus soporem in Adam cumque obdormisset tulit unam de costis eius et
replevit carnem pro ea
2:22 et aedificavit Dominus Deus costam quam tulerat de Adam in mulierem et adduxit eam ad Adam
2:23 dixitque Adam hoc nunc os ex ossibus meis et caro de carne mea haec vocabitur virago quon-
iam de viro sumpta est
2:24 quam ob rem relinquet homo patrem suum et matrem et adherebit uxori suae et erunt duo in
carne una
2:25 erant autem uterque nudi Adam scilicet et uxor eius et non erubescebant

-Bible, Genesis, Latin Vulgate

 LIFESKILLS PUBLISHING DIVISION
LIFESKILLS NETWORK INC.
510 St-Laurent Blvd. Suite 301
Montreal, Quebec, H2Y 2Y9
Canada
1-866-740-9393
Copyright © 2005
by Amir Georges Sabongui & Brendan Cavanaugh
All rights reserved.
THE LIFESKILLS PHILOSOPHY

Every problem you have ever faced in you life was only a problem be-
cause you didn’t have the skills to resolve it.

At LIFESKILLS Network, we believe in empowering our clients by teaching

them the necessary skills to overcome obstacles, reclaim control over their
lives and get what they truly want out of life.

Relationships are life’s most important challenge. They can be the most
fulfilling part of your life if you are in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Or they can be the most painful and frustrating part of your life if you
are not able to find the kind of relationship you want.

Finding the right partner and building a fulfilling relationship starts with
being your best so you can attract the best. That’s what this book is all
about. Looking at yourself in the mirror and take an honest inventory
of yourself, physically and mentally. That is the Pre-Delivery Inspection.
Most people will ruin their chances at meeting the right person before
they even step out of the house: poor self-image, bad first impression,
not understanding how the opposite sex really thinks. This book focuses
on all of the things you need to do BEFORE you even meet someone in
order to maximize the chance that you will attract quality people into
your life and experience the kind of lifestyle and relationships you have
always longed for.

DR. AMIR GEORGES SABONGUI,

LIFESKILLS FOUNDER
WHAT IS A PDI?
Guys seem to be more knowledgeable and more effective about
their choice of cars than their choice of mates. For this reason,
we have chosen to present this book in a language that most
guys understand very well - the language of cars - and apply it
to an area that most guys don’t understand well - the language
of women and dating. The same basic elements that go into
choosing a car can also help you understand how women choose
men, and how you can better equip yourself before you meet a
woman, to be attractive in her eyes.

Get your mechanic’“

s thumbs-up”

A Pre-Delivery Inspection (PDI) is an inspection of a car before it

is put into service. Before choosing a car, smart guys usually get
their mechanic’s thumbs-up by: doing a tour around the exterior
of the car, inspecting the interior detailing, and looking under
the hood. Especially finicky guys will also sneak a peek into the
trunk. It is a quick assessment of the car; and it instills a certain
initial sense of confidence. Of course, the better a guy’s general
knowledge about cars, the better his assessment of a particular
car is likely to be.

Lifeskills: your social mechanic

In your dating life, the purpose of the PDI is to give yourself a

thorough inspection BEFORE you go out to try to meet women.
Why? Because most men will fail with women BEFORE they even
leave the house. The PDI gives you a chance to get your social
mechanic’s thumbs-up in order to put your best foot forward.
Your social PDI will consist of the following:

Taking a careful tour around your exterior by taking stock of

the first impression you project. It is essential to become aware
of the impact your style and body language has on women’s
perception of you.
Inspecting the interior detailing of your life by making sure you
lead an active and socially attractive lifestyle. And looking under
the hood to check your mind-set and attitude.

If you are particularly finicky, you might want to peek into the
trunk where seldom used but useful things are stored. There,
you will find information on the sources of social programming
that have shaped you and the culture around you. Of course,
the better your knowledge about the psychology of women and
attraction, the better your ability to project the qualities that
women are attracted to will be.
A PDI helps to empower guys, to give them a choice in their
dating lives: a choice in who they are, and a choice in who they
will attract and date. Our ultimate goal is that you never again
feel like you have to settle ... in any area of our life.
PD
TABLE OF
CONTENTS
DI
DRIVER’S ED 101
The Psychology of First Impressions
The Psychology of Women
The Psychology of Attraction
Qualities and Needs

S
UNDER THE HOOD
What Sculpts Your Attitude?
Self-Esteem
Shyness
Our Negative Self Deprecations
Positive Self-Talk
Social Convictions about Sex

EXTERIOR FINISHING
Women are Nearsighted
Concrete Details
Body Language

INTERIOR DETAILING
Lasting First Impressions
The Real You
First Impressions Chart
The Kit

THE TRUNK
Dealerships & Modaliities
Cultural Attitudes
More on the LIFESKILLS philosophy
THE MECHANICS
 DRIVERS ED 101:
S OF ATTRACTION
 FIRST IMPRESSIONS
When you see a beautiful woman, how long does it take you to decide that she is

attractive and that you would like to meet her?

Honestly? Probably less than 1 second. Well, women are really no different. In very
little time, she has noticed you (or worse, not noticed you). Within a couple of seconds,
she has made a decision about whether or not you are attractive and whether or not she
would like to get to know you better. By the time you’ve made up your mind whether
or not to approach her, she’s already made up her mind about you.

“
The reality is that most
people’s opinions of By the time you’ve made u
you are created within
the first few seconds
she’s already made
they meet you. To make
it worse, many people will make up their minds about you before they ever meet you.
What do they base their opinions on? Usually, not much; they normally do not have
the slightest idea of why they think what they think. They simply consider that it is ‘the
way they feel’.

The two most important things that you as a man can do to instantly improve your dat-
ing life are:

1. Improve your First Impression and your ‘Look’.

2. Learn to understand and communicate using body language.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The reality is that we meet so many people in an average day that we have devel-
oped shortcuts to be able to very quickly sort people into different categories: safe,
dangerous, possible mate, possibly useful to me, etcetera. An application of these
strategies means that women will judge you almost instantly and sort you into a

12
 category: creep, jerk, loser, interesting person, possible friend, possible lover, or even
possible husband. And, all of these judgments she has made about you were based
on very little (read, almost no information whatsoever). She has made a judgment
about you as a person, about your personal qualities, about your potential as a lover
or partner, about your future, without even really meeting you. It is not a conscious or
intellectual and thought-out judgment; it is a felt judgment – or in biological terms, a
judgment of the right hemisphere of the brain.

You need to become aware of a general feature about how we know things in terms

up your mind to approach her,

“
of our human brains. The first thing to become aware of is that whatever we know
about anything or anyone
depends on how we use our
senses: we know what we see,
up her mind about you. hear, touch, taste small, and
otherwise sense. Normally, we
do experience our sensations
unconsciously. As they point out in Martial Arts, awareness and control over your
senses is the beginning of awareness and control over yourself.

You need to know that there are two hemispheres to our brains and that they each
process the same information received from the senses, but - they process the informa-
tion differently.

The information that is processed by the left hemisphere is structured into a logical,
ordered, and sequential format. Consequently, the left brain is where we mostly house
our languages, reading functions, logical functions, math functions and any other func-
tion that has a linear order to it. Importantly, not only is it where we talk, but the
data of the left-brain is the data that we know we know. When we say that “We
know (whatever)”, we are talking about our left brain function.

On the other side of the head – the information that is processed at the same
time by the right hemisphere is structured into a different kind of format, the kind

LIFESKILLS 13
 exemplified by the jigsaw puzzle. You turn over all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle on
the table, and let your eye roam over the faces of the pieces, trusting that you will
recognize that a couple of the pieces fit together. The right brain operates that way, by
association. The right brain is where we recognize shapes and faces, where our sense
of fashion, position in space like sitting in a chair and other such types of awareness
is housed. Importantly, we are not aware of what we know in this part of the brain.
Moreover, to make ourselves aware of it is dangerous because the awareness easily
interferes with our habitual actions. Start thinking about how you walk and you are
likely to stumble.

The instant judgments that we make of others is mostly based on the images of the
right brain. We do not always know why we make our instant judgments; but we
make them nonetheless. We make them by comparing what our senses tell us to an
inner template we have built up in our brain mostly by our early life experiences. Such
is the human experience that lies behind the problem of first impressions.

Notice that we have listed negative categories first. That is because those are the
easiest ones to fall into. Beautiful women are approached by so many men during
an average day, that their default category is often a negative one. In a sense, most
men fail with women before they even open their mouths because they are being
slotted into a negative category.

Once you have been put into a category, it is very difficult (but not impossible) to get
out of it. Some psychologists have said that in order to reverse a negative first im-
pression, you will have to create an average of 10 positive impressions. 10 to 1! That
is an intimidating statistic! Moreover, if you have started with a positive first impres-
sion, you can easily fall into a bad category with just one wrong move. What can
you do about it? Put your best foot forward. That is what you can do about it. Make
a good First Impression.

14
A psychologist associated with LifeSkills expressed the reason why he had taken a
professional interest in this field of applied social psychology:

“My inspiration for sharing my knowledge of dating and seduction came from my
clinical experience. One day, a client walked in to my office complaining that he had
slept with six women that year. When I joked with him that, considering that the
average man will sleep with less than 10 women in his entire lifetime, six women is
not so bad, he looked at me and said, ‘No. You don’t understand. I mean I slept
with these women. There was NO sex at all even though we would spend the night
in the same bed. We would go out, have a good time, get back to my place or hers,
and then when things would start to heat up, she would complain about being too
tired and saying that she just wanted to cuddle or sleep.’”

The psychologists went on to give us his interpretation of this case. He said that this
man was in his thirties, was well educated, tall and very athletic, good looking, and fi-
nancially successful. He had ALL the things that most guys would figure are important.
But none of it counted for much with women. This particular patient, although he was
quite a catch now, had been a fat, pimply faced, nerdy kid with thick glasses in high
school. No matter what everybody else saw in him now, when he looked in the mirror
he saw, and more importantly felt, like the same reject he had been in high school.

Now imagine how this affected him with women. He was so sure that he would be
rejected that he never had the confidence to make a bold move or to try to move
things to the next level. As a result, he kept falling into ‘Just friends’ hell. He
came off as needy, desperate, and insecure; to put it a little differently, he would give
women all of the power in a relationship.

What if he could have actually seen himself as everyone else saw him? He probably
would have been much more confident, played much harder to get, and made bolder
moves with women. The fact was that they were spending time with him because they
were attracted to him, but he was unable to uphold his end of the relationship.

The psychologist told LifeSkills that he had really wanted to help this client. Conse-
quently, he did a lot of research on attraction and romantic relationships. Being a
psychologist, he went to the scientific literature on the subject first. He told LifeSkills
that working with this client probably taught him more than he was able to teach the

LIFESKILLS 15
 client. He said that he learned an enormous amount about the reality of attraction and
how women actually choose their mates.

Here’s another story about the importance of appearances. One day after a recent
breakup, I had gone down to California to visit my cousin Mike. He was supposed
to cheer me up, but Cousin Mike was a native New Yorker and had the typical New
Yorker bad attitude. A couple of years of California living hadn’t done much to mel-
low him out. Cousin Mike is a good guy, successful lawyer, and smart as hell. But as
long as I’ve known him, he’s always been a negative person and I’ve never known
him to have a girlfriend.

We were walking along Venice beach, when we came across an old man sitting in an
old, beat up, beach chair. He had long dreadlocks, skin dark and wrinkled from way
too much sun, and was just sitting there smiling and sipping on a beer. He had a
little handwritten sign beside him that read: “Love Doctor, $5”.

So I nudged Cousin Mike and joked that we should both go see the Love Doctor,
especially given my recent breakup and Mike’s bad luck with women. Cousin Mike
pulled out his $5, and said, “Yo, Love Doctor, I ain’t gettin’ any”. And the Love
Doctor looked him up and down and promptly replied, “Of course not, just look at
you!” and promptly returned to sipping his beer. Frustrated, Mike said, “This old
man is full of baloney,” and tried to shrug off what he said.

However, I had a different view. In less than one second, the love doctor had exactly
diagnosed Mike’s problem and I told him so. “Hold on Mike. This may actually
be the best five bucks you’ve ever spent,” I told him. What the love doctor had
seen and on which he had made his observation was true. Everything about Mike
said “DO NOT APPROACH”. His look was terrible: his posture, his clothes, his facial
expressions, and most importantly, his attitude, all screamed NEGATIVE and were not
attractive.

So I promptly reached into my pocket and pulled out my five bucks and said, “Yo,
Love Doctor, I ain’t gettin’ any either.” Well, the Love Doctor looked me up and
down and replied, “Son, you got a different problem. Lotsa women be interested in
you, but you just can’t see it.” And it turned out he was right about that too.

16
When I thought about it, women had been trying to give me tons of hints in order
to signal their interest in me, but I hadn’t been able to decode their signals and was
never sure whether or not a woman was interested. So, I never acted on their subtle
invitations and missed plenty of great opportunities to meet women. It turned out
that once I learned to read the signals that women were sending me all the time, I
dramatically improved my success with women.

The evidence all points to the truth of the observation that women only are interested
in who they think you are. Your self-image often conflicts with the image of you that
other people see. Women will develop a relationship with the ‘you’ that they see.
This image is created by the qualities, feelings, and the lifestyle that women experience
with you. What you as a man have to come to understand is that the entire percep-
tion women have regarding your real or imagined qualities can all be within your
control.

However, consider the implications of the vignette that you have just read. Physical
style of life, such as dress and general behavior are not easy to change. Neither are
internal, psychological attitudes towards self-worth easy to change. Nevertheless, it is
essential that you recognize that it is possible to change yourself and thus improve
your chances for social success.

What this means is that once you have been branded with a negative label, it is very
difficult to change. However, even if you have been branded with a positive label,
you can easily fall out of favor. Nature has made this a risky business; it favors the
survival of the ‘fittest’ – of course, it is wise to keep in mind that being the ‘fit-
test’ may mean many different things.

THE
PSYCHOLOGY
OF WOMEN
If you have ever tried to figure women out, you know how frustrating this can be.
They seem to be irrational, forever changing their minds, and frustratingly unpredict-
able. However, there are some basic principles that govern the psychology of woman.
Once you understand women’s psychology, it will be much easier for you to under-
stand why they do the things they do. Of course, effectively coping with what they

LIFESKILLS 17
 do is another matter.

As you read this section, there are some things that will frustrate and upset you. It is
not fair for women to be this way. Nevertheless, they are! The sooner you accept
that and learn and accept that this indeed is the way women are, the sooner you will
be able to use their psychology to your advantage, rather than being the victim of it.

First of all, never try to understand a woman by asking her to explain her behavior.
She often does not understand why she does those things either. That is because a
woman, to a greater degree than is a man, is guided by her emotions. The more
female the individual person is, the more estrogen a particular body has coursing
through it, the more behavior is going to be governed by right brain functioning, and
the more the individual will be guided by feelings rather than by realistic thinking.
Her decisions are emotionally based and do not seem to make rational sense to a
man. But they do make a lot of emotional sense. Once she has acted, she will try to
explain her actions by rationalizing her irrational behavior. On a higher level, if you
understand how women think, then it all makes perfect sense. To control a woman,
you need to be able to control her emotions. There is an adage that says, “Change
her mood, not her mind”. This is point holds for men too, but it applies to a greater
degree and with more frequency to men.

Please note that this is not any kind of put-down on women. The same is true of men.
In general, none of us are very much aware of the motives that lie behind our emo-
tionally driven activity. The reasons for that lie in the way we are hard-wired. It is just
that women are more sensitive to emotional needs than men are. It is a difference of
degree, a matter of contraries, not contradictories.

THE
PSYCHOLOGY
OF ATTRACTION
Creating attraction is like flipping a series of switches, each switch represented by one
of the essential characteristics that a woman seeks out. Each switch is in either the
‘on’ position, or the ‘off’ position, depending on whether she has determined
that you have this characteristic or not.

18
A woman will be attracted to you based on these three essential characteristics:

1. Your perceived qualities

2. Your lifestyle
3. The way you make her feel (the emotions you evoke in her)

In the following section, we will discuss each of these essential characteristics in detail
in order for you to better understand the psychology of attraction.

Attraction is a mostly unconscious reaction. A woman cannot choose to flip certain

switches and not others. Women do not think,“Well, here is man who has good
teeth, and a nice posture. I think I will be attracted to him.” Attraction is a power-
ful emotion and women are hard wired by their genetics and millions of years of evo-
lution to be attracted to certain qualities. When you meet a woman, all the switches
are in the off position. In order for you to get a woman attracted to you, you have
to start flipping the switches: sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at once.

(It might be worth noting here in passing, that the same is true of men. Their ‘attrac-
tion’ switches are hard wired.)

What are these switches and how do you flip them?

These switches are part of her attraction to certain qualities, and as she discovers
these qualities in you, the switches will be flipped. Creating attraction then, is nothing
more than demonstrating these hard-wired qualities that women are seeking and that
flip her switches to ‘on’.

What we, as people influenced by our historical culture, have convictions about men
and women and about eroticism and sex. To a large extend our convictions were
expressed in the writings of Sigmund Freud about a hundred years ago at the begin-
ning of the twentieth century. At the professional level, Freud’s views have little impact
today. However, Freud did for human sexuality, what Linnaeus did for botanical sexu-
ality; he legitimized the discussion of sex by providing the trappings of professionalism.
Specifically, within the medical context in 1895 he claimed that early sexual experi-

LIFESKILLS 19
 ences were the root causes of neurosis. His views on sexuality, or at least many of his
terms have seeped into popular culture.

On a slightly broader perspective, Freud confessed that he “Did not know what
women wanted.” Fortunately, other people were interested in understanding ‘what
women want’.

THE TOP FIVE QUALITIES

WOMEN LOOK FOR IN MEN:
1. Leadership
2. Confidence
3. Lifestyle
4. Fun & Humour
5. Authenticity
Years of psychological research, for example the published findings on the psychology
of attraction reported by David M. Buss at the Psychology Department of the Univer-
sity of Texas in Austin, have consistently shown that there are qualities that women
universally look for in a man.

No matter what their culture, all women look for these qualities. Women do not
choose to be attracted to these qualities and in fact, they may not even be aware that
these are the qualities that they are attracted to. They are hard-wired to select their
mates based on these qualities and have been choosing mates based on these criteria
for millions of years. Only the cultural contexts change and the definitions of the de-
sired qualities are then slightly modified to reflect the culturally available expressions of
these qualities.

If, for example, we take financial success as a quality that women seek, the concrete

20
expression of it may change from
place to place. In the Middle East or
Northern Africa, it might mean some-
one who has a large herd of camels,
whereas in Western cultures like North
America, it usually means someone
who has lots of money, a nice car, a
nice home, and has a certain lifestyle
and who can talk about being well
traveled.

Never ask a woman what A nuance of attraction behavior that has received a lot
of attention is the ‘bad boy’ phenomenon. Women
she wants in a man! practically drool over the bad boy, the social rebel, and
If you ask a woman what she wants the tough guy. Some classic examples of this are: John
Travolta’s character ‘Danny’ in “Grease”, James
in a man, she may tell you something Dean, Marlon Brando, Tommy Lee, .and countless others.
like, “I want a nice guy”. If you
ask your women friends this, you may The reason why women are attracted to the social stand-
think to yourself ‘Hey, I’m a nice out character of the bad boy is that it is a question of
Dominance. Dominance can be in line with the prevail-
guy! I get you coffee every morning; ing social group or contrary to it. The social bad boy
I do nice things for you. Why aren’t is a contrary figure, an antihero, but a dominant hero
you attracted to me?’ There is a nonetheless. And women are strongly attracted to him.
good reason why she is not attracted
to you. It is because, even though she
believes that she wants a nice guy, it is not true. In fact, a common euphemism for
women who have been on a bad date is to tell their girlfriends that “He was nice”
– code word for ‘the date was awfully boring’.

We warned you never to ask a woman what she wants because in many ways, she
really doesn’t know what she wants. She is responding to her biological and psycho-
logical programming. Moreover, unfortunately, nowhere in that programming does it
say to be attracted to “nice guys”.

Similarly, you do not choose to be attracted to a gorgeous supermodel. Your brain

may tell you that she would be a lousy girlfriend, that she is too emotionally unstable
to raise kids with, and similar negative points. Nevertheless, you would be attracted

LIFESKILLS 21
 to her and you would probably find it hard to say no if she asked you out. You
are hard-wired to find her attractive because beauty is the #1 quality men look for.
Moreover, men are willing to overlook a lot of flaws to date someone who is physi-
cally beautiful.

Women are no different. They are willing to overlook even really serious flaws, if the
man possesses her most valued qualities. That is why women are attracted to jerks
– even though their rational minds tell them otherwise. Being nice is not a quality
women seek out in their mates. What they do crave is someone who is strong and
masculine, in a word: Dominance! And jerks have lots of that, not necessarily for the
right reasons!

People rarely, if ever, make rational choices about their mates. The recent series of
reality TV shows, such as The Average Joe, clearly illustrate the point. In these shows,
the men or women who choose a mate from a multitude of potential candidates
invariably end up choosing someone that the viewers think is the wrong choice for
them. They choose based on their feelings, their biological and psychological pro-
gramming, rather than what just about everyone else thinks would be good for them.
Their viewers have the luxury of objectively watching and making choices and passing
judgments without being so emotionally involved.

Human beings want excitement and adventure and we will almost always choose what
feels good rather than what is good for us.

Qualities and Needs

What women will be attracted to is complementarity – the feeling that they have
found a man whose qualities balance out their own and complete them. He is hard
where she is soft. He is dominant where she is submissive. He is strong where she is
vulnerable.

For a woman, it means she is looking for her equal but opposite man. The comple-
mentarity that women seek is the masculine essence. She is attracted to what is mas-
culine about you the same way you are attracted to what is feminine about her. The
average male is certainly not attracted to a butch, masculine looking woman. And a
woman is not attracted to an effeminate man. In fact, the women that are universally
considered the most attractive are those that emanate the most femininity. The men

22
that universally attract women ooze masculinity. The more feminine a woman is, the
more she seeks out a masculine man to balance her out, to complete her.

The synthesizing philosophers of the Han dynasty of the third century China symbol-
ized these complementary universal principles as the ‘Yin and Yang’ of all reality.
In the Appendix to the I Ching the theory of complementary principles is spelled out.
The Universe is run by a single principle, The Tao or Great Ultimate. This principle is
divided into two opposite and complementary principles that oppose one another in
their actions.

All the changes in the universe produced by the action of the yin and yang on each
other are through the categorizes of the Five Material Agents: the movement of the
stars, the

“ The qualities women look for in men

workings of
the body,
the nature reflect the core needs they must fufill.
of foods,
the quali-
ties of music, the ethical qualities of humans, and the progress of time. Applied to our
topic, the masculine and feminine will always seek to balance each other out. And
through their actions on each other will produce the life of the couple.

Every quality that men seek out and are attracted to fills a void in their lives. More-
over, each quality that a woman is attracted to usually reflects some core need that
she must fill. Perhaps the most noticeable example of this complementarity is height.
Just look at the number of tall men who choose shorter women; and the number of
shorter men who taller women. Nature seeks a balance.

Below, we will present, in order of importance, the five most important qualities that
women are attracted to. During the initial phases of attraction, the qualities at the top
of the list are most important. As a relationship develops further into something more
emotionally significant, the qualities at the bottom of the list start to take on more
importance.

LIFESKILLS 23
 1 Leadership & Dominance
A leader calls the shots and makes things happen. He has presence and inspires people
to listen. He stands up for himself and those he cares about. He also knows how to bring
out the best in people by making them feel respected.

Leadership is at heart, an inner quality. It has to rest on the person’s acceptance of A

leader calls the shots and makes things happen. He has presence and inspires people to
listen. He stands up for himself and those he cares about. He also knows how to bring
out the best in people by making them feel respected.

the person’s acceptance of himself. It is associated with

another strength, namely, having the courage to accept
responsibility for both what you say and what you do.
“
Leadership is at heart, an inner quality. It has to rest on Being attracted to dom
women will value differe

And it is related to basic humility, that is, accurate and true

knowledge of one’s self. It is a major human strength, a real virtue.

Leadership is by far the most important quality for a man to possess within the context
of relationships. It is an aphrodisiac. It is not an optional quality, like some of the oth-
ers may be. All other qualities listed below can actually be seen as emanating from a
man’s leadership.

In animal societies, leadership is expressed as dominance. There is usually one male who
is recognized to be the dominant male – the Alpha-male. The alpha-male is usually
the strongest male in the pack and he is clearly at the top of the social hierarchy. He
usually makes decisions for the whole pack. And often times, the alpha-male has near
exclusive mating privileges with all of the females. The other males don’t usually get
to mate. Or if they do, they have to sneak around and do it without the alpha-male’s
knowledge.

In animal societies, there is no reasoned middle ground. For animals, the leader is the
domineering male. His typical exclusive expression of ‘being on top’ deprives other
males of the opportunity to fulfill their natural needs. His dominant rule is usually ended
only with his death or maiming. As a result, the excessiveness of the domineering trait
sets the ‘dominant male’ up for cuckolding. The other males and some of the females

24
 find ways to get around his exclusivity and have ‘illicit’ sex.

In human terms, there are some men that seem to have an endless line-up of women
waiting to date them. Women don’t seem to care that he is also seeing other women.
In fact, his popularity with other women seems to make him all the more desirable. It
doesn’t seem fair, does it?

Also in human terms, there is the question of the right amount of ‘Dominance’. Either
‘too much’ or ‘too little’ produces negative results. Learning exactly what the
right amount is in a given relationship is a touchy matter, usually learned through trial-
and-error.
minance is not a choice. However, different
ent kinds of dominance: physical strength,
“ Dominance is a universally at-
tractive quality for women be-
intelligence, wealth, or power.
cause it implies responsibility,
safety, and security. However,
men in different cultures and in different societies express their dominance in different
ways. If we were in a hunter-gatherer society where men were responsible for hunt-
ing, the dominant male would be the best hunter, the one who could throw his spear
the farthest and most accurately. If we were in an agricultural society where physical
strength were most important to our survival, the dominant male would be the one who
is physically strongest and has the biggest and best farm. In many modern societies, we
have less use for hunting skills and physical strength (and less land for big farms), but
we do value intelligence as a powerful tool. So, very intelligent or at least very clever
and successful men tend to be seen as the dominant males in our society.

“Nothing succeeds so well as success” the saying goes. That is why you often hear
highly intelligent and educated women say that they find intelligence or success sexy.
The opposite trait, putting one’s self down, self-denigration, talking about one’s troubles
and failures are counterproductive. That indicates subservience rather than leadership.
The guy comes off as needy.

Women are immediately turned off by such conversation. It may be that a guy who
discovers a woman actually listening to him gives in to his need to be heard, his need
to discuss his problems. But a date is neither the person, nor the time, nor the place to
attempt to get a response to that need.

LIFESKILLS 25
 But if intelligence is an important value to a particular woman because of her upbring-
ing or her psychological and social programming, then she will be attracted to highly
intelligent men. To a large extent, then, what is defined as dominance to a particular
woman depends upon her own upbringing, her culture, the values she has assimilated
from her family and friends, her father and mother and schoolmates.

Women are hard wired to respond to leaders. It is built into men to display the traits
that women find attractive. It is in this natural mode of displaying dominant traits that
men will often brag about their skills or engage in competitions to show off their skills.
It is this built-in behavioral trait that is responsible for the well hung and well built guy
strutting the beach in a Speedo, for the really rich to sport BMWs and Jaguars, for the
‘bad boy’ to slouch and pose in full view on the street corner. Any guy will try to
show off whatever he thinks he has.

A woman is not in a position to choose whether or not she will be attracted to male
dominance. It is not a choice for a woman. The sensitivity is built-in. However, where
one woman differs from another, that is, where there is a choice, is what expression of
dominance she will be attracted to.

This is an important understanding for the guy trying to get a date. It is realistic to
consider that the particular woman’s focus of attraction excludes a particular guy. If
‘attractive’ to her includes ‘sports-minded’ and the guy is not ‘sports-minded,’
the guy will be excluded in principle. He never has a chance. But the exclusion is not
personal. He simply does not fit her criteria of choice because he does not display domi-
nance in her arena.

The dominant man is a leader. And the indications of being dominant are quite concrete.
Being dominant means making decisions. When asking a girl out on a date, have a
plan and invite her to join you. People like to be led (they even secretly like to be told
what to do). Have you ever tried to organize an outing with your friends that ended
in disaster because nobody wanted to make a decision about where you should go?
“What do you want to do?” Answer: “I dunno. What do you want to do?” Al-
ways be prepared to take charge.

Don’t ask her:“So when would you like to meet? What would you like to do?”. In-
stead, tell her:

26
 “I’m going to this great place for drinks tonight … join me.”
“I’m going to take you to this great place for ice-cream.”
“We’ll get together tonight at 8:00”.

Why would a woman be attracted to a leader, a dominant Alpha-male? What need

could this possibly fulfill for a woman? Well, you must first understand that women live
in a very different reality from men. The dominant man, or the alpha-man, really
fulfills two important needs: Safety and Reassurance.

Most women spend a great deal of their time worrying. They worry about their looks,
their physical safety, about their futures, about whether or not they did the right thing
yesterday, about what other people think of them, about getting old, etc, etc. In fact, it
often seems that women worry about everything. They are constantly second-guessing
themselves and seeking reassurance from others. Sometimes, they even need reassur-
ance from their girlfriends that they chose the right man.

Safety: Most men are oblivious to the fact that women live in a reality where they need
to constantly think about their physical safety. Being with a dominant man helps a
woman feel safe. She knows he will protect her because a dominant man will stand up
for her. In any event, the more dominant a man is, the less likely anyone will trouble
her in the first place. She will hold on to your arm when you walk together and she
likes to have her hand held the way you would hold a child’s hands when you cross the
street. It makes her feel safe and it says, “Don’t worry, I am here to protect you.”

This is why women are attracted to men who are physically bigger than they are. But
if you are short, don’t worry. There are more powerful ways to flip the dominance
switch than with physical size or strength.

Reassurance: Because a woman worries so much, she needs a man who can reassure
her. She needs a man who is strong enough to be in charge so that she doesn’t have
to worry quite so much and can allow herself to be led. She needs a man who is
emotionally strong enough for her to lean on during tough times. Even very successful
women, who appear tough and independent on the surface, really crave a man who is
strong enough to lead them and for them to lean on in their moments of vulnerability.

LIFESKILLS 27
 That means that the man can never allow himself to get emotionally overwhelmed by
situations. HE must always be in control of himself. The natural instinct in men, when
faced with an emotional situation, is to go quiet. Being quiet means that they are less
likely to express their emotions. They can construct the appearance of not being emo-
tionally concerned – and hopefully more objective and clear in their minds, so as to
be able to handle the situation better. But, a man must also allow women to be wom-
en: by letting them be emotional without letting it affect him. That doesn’t mean to
be cold and indifferent. That means that sometimes, when a woman is in an emotion-
al crisis, the most powerful thing you can do is to hug her and hold her in your arms.
And the worst thing you can do is take on the same emotional tone as the woman, to
sympathize instead of empathizing.

She does not need ‘sympathy’ from the man. That is, she certainly does not need him
to become just as emotionally aroused (upset, disappointed, hurt) as she is.

NO! She needs him to be ‘empathetic’, that is, to clearly recognize her feelings. She
needs to be able to recognize that he really sees what her emotion is. And she might
even get around to telling him why she is in that state - although that may not happen. It
is a man’s need to understand – in hopes that he can fix it – but it is not a woman’s
need. She needs to have her emotional state recognized, accepted, and soothed.

Feelings First, Facts Second

Sometimes, when a women is in an emotional crisis, the most powerful thing you can
do is to hold herin your arms. It is important to realize that men want to fix things,
while women want their feelings recognized. The man has to refrain from trying to fix
things. It is nota good ideato ask a distraught woman, “What can I do?” The answer
is, “Nothing!” ‘Fixing things’ does not solve the problem for a woman. Instead,
recognizing her feelings ‘fixes things’ fora woman. Beforeanything else, take the time
to recognize her feelings. Afterwards, you can go ‘fix something’ if that is what you
need to do.

But recognize that as a man, you fix things for your sake, not for the woman’s sake.
Moreover, even if you do fix things without recognizing her feelings, she is not going to
care. As a result you will end up feeling resentful that you have done your best and it
is not good enough. So do things in this order: recognize her feelings, then fix things.

28
But make sure she feels listened to and really heard. It is she who needs to feel satis-
fied, not you.

Here is the reflection of one guy who put feelings over facts:

Being empathetic doesn’t mean that I am a blubbbering, emotional sap or a wuss bag.
Here’s an example. I had been on a double date with some twins. They’re musicians
and were going to appear on a TV special. So they came over to watch the special
and were really upset by the way the TV show turned out. I vould tell they were upset
even though they kept insisting that they were ‘Fine.’ So I just took one of them into
my arms and held her, comforted her and let her knowit was OK, in a very strong and
manly but caring way. How many guys, knowing that a woman is emotionally upset,
would know what to do in a situation like that? Sometimes, words don’t work and a
woman just needs to be hugged. Don’t ever try to reason with emotions.

Laurie is another example of how even strong women need emotional support. Laurie
was a very successful business woman. At age 30, she had already made Vice President
at her company and was making well over six figures. She was very attractive, sexy,
smart, and very successful. Yet she had trouble finding a man. Even though she was
a great person to be around most men found her intimidating because of her success.
She shared her experiences:

“I make decisions and run things all day at work, and it’s exhausting. I want a man
who can make me feel like a woman. I want to feel taken care of. I want to be able
to stop thinking at the end of the day and have someone else run things. I need some-
one who is strong enough that I can just lean on him and allow myself to be vulnerable
with him.”

Women like Laurie are not rare. The more confident or successful a woman is, the more
she is going to look for a partner that can take charge. The more she is going to crave
someone who is stronger than her, especially emotionally.

If confident women crave dominance, imagine how important it is for a woman who is
emotionally needy and dependent. This is why some women find themselves in abusive
relationships but can’t seem to get out of them. They need a dominant man who can

LIFESKILLS 29
 take charge. But unfortunately, they are so insecure about themselves that they choose
a domineering man who completely controls them. Because they have so little faith in
Women like Laurie are not rare. The more confident or successful a woman is, the more
she is going to look for a partner that can take charge. The more she is going to crave
someone who is stronger than her, especially emotionally.

30
LIFESKILLS 31
 TIPS FOR IMPROVING
YOUR LEADERSHIP QUALITY
Building dominance means becoming a leader and not being
o Take up more space, stand with your legs at least shoulder width apart,
solid posture (don’t slouch).

o Make broad or expansive hand gestures rather than short, nervous, jerky
movements.

o Walk into a room with long, confident strides and without darting your
eyes around the room.

o Practice a firm handshake.

o Practice direct eye-contact and maintain gaze until the other person looks
away.

o Avoid smiling when you are nervous or just to placate. Make sure that
your smile is sincere and confident.

o Generally, keep your head straight.

o Speak with sufficient volume.

o Develop your charisma and self-assurance.

32
afraid to take charge of your life:

o Be comfortable being the leader and practice taking initiatives for a

group.

o Have energy and enthusiasm in your voice tone

o Slow your body movements and your speech down and deepen your
voice, maintaining good intonation. Do not speak in a monotone voice, it
makes you sound depressed and boring).

o Be accountable for your actions and honor your commitments.

o Practice being more assertive without being aggressive.

LIFESKILLS 33
 REDLINE
There is a big difference between a dominant man and a domi-
neering man. Pushing dominance too high makes you
domineering. If you push it too hard, you will redline
and you will be seen as a jerk, a Neanderthal and a
brute. A dominant man is assertive. A domineering
man is aggressive, sometimes violent. A dominant
man stands up for himself. A domineering man puts
other people down. A dominant man is firm and
directive. A domineering man is controlling. A domi-
nant man is confident. A domineering man is insecure.

STALL OUT
If you do not have enough dominance, you are seen as a
chump, a doormat, weak, or spineless. And that is not attrac-
tive. No woman wants a man that is weaker than her. She
craves to be with a man that she admires and looks up to. No
woman wants a man that she has to protect. When you cuddle
with a woman, she is the one who gets held in your big, strong
arms. It is not you who gets held in her big strong arms.
The dominant man is a leader. And the indications of being
dominant are quite concrete. Being dominant means mak-
ing decisions. When asking a girl out on a date,
have a plan and invite her to join you. People
like to be led (they even secretly like to be told
what to do). Have you ever tried to organize
an outing with your friends that ended in disas-
ter because nobody wanted to make a decision
about where you should go? “What do you
want to do?” Answer: “I dunno. What do
you want to do?” Always be prepared to take
charge.
34
2 Lifestyle
When a woman tells her friends that she has started to date someone, the VERY first
question her friends will ask is “What does he do?”. Why would they be so con-
cerned with what you do for a living? The reason for the importance of the question
is that the answer to “What do you do for a living?” lets women label you and
put you in a category.

Financial success means power. It also means that you can provide a woman with a
certain lifestyle. Most importantly, it signals to a woman that you have special quali-
ties, and that is what the question “What does he do for a living?” really means.
It means, “What qualities does this man have?” Different careers and professions
are associated to different personalities and different qualities.

It would be hard for a woman to imagine that someone who drives a garbage truck
might also be a very talented and sensitive artist. It could be, however, these are not
the qualities we normally associate with sanitation employees. So you see, women are
not the only ones who generalize. Let us go through this in more detail.

Women are not attracted to money for the reasons that you may think. Many men
think that women are just gold-diggers. These men also believe that the way to get
women is by essentially buying their affection with expensive gifts, fancy dinners, and
similar goodies. This is an interesting situation that many men fall in to because it
creates a self-fulfilling prophesy: by treating women as gold diggers, you are never
giving them a chance to show you otherwise and it creates an unconscious expectation
inside a woman that you will automatically pay for her and lavish her with expensive
gifts.

Money also usually means that a man has some important qualities like ambition
– wanting to leave your mark. Being ambitious, driven, and dedicated enough to be
successful says a lot about a man’s personal qualities. It lets them know that you are
a go-getter, that you are not afraid to go after what you want, that you are a man in
charge and that you have some alpha qualities. So again, having money is attractive
because of what it says about you as a person. This may be hard for men to under-
stand, but for women, it really is all about personal qualities.

LIFESKILLS 35
 Women are also attracted to a certain lifestyle. They need to think about what kind
of environment they would like to raise their children in and it is reassuring to them
to know that their children will be provided for. Men have a built in drive to want to
provide for their families, and it is difficult for some men to be in a relationship with a
woman who is more financially successful than they are. It makes them feel uncomfort-
able.

36
TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION AND LIFESTYLE
Sometimes we do not believe there is anything we can do to improve our financial situation.
But women are attracted to the qualities that produce success and the lifestyle that it brings
more than the actual money. Harness those qualities in yourself and improve your lifestyle to
telegraph your success. Material riches are a by-product of inner richness.

o Understand the difference between someone who is successful and someone who pretends
to be. Oftentimes, posers try to overcompensate with flashy or conspicuous things (just think
of those rappers who have gold teeth and tons of bling), whereas truly successful people tend
to be a little more understated. Remember there is a reason for the self-aggrandizement of
men like Donald Trump.

o Buy fewer items, but make sure the ones you do buy are good quality. Do not fall into the
trap of buying something cheap “in the meantime”. These things end up costing more in the
long run.

o Dress for success – people will treat you based on their first impressions of you. Even if
you only have one nice outfit, wear it everyday rather than walking around most days in
clothes that make you look homeless.

o Develop a circle of friends and acquaintances of successful people you admire.

o Have dreams and take active steps to achieve them. Do not be afraid to talk about your
dreams and aspirations to women – this shows that you have the qualities to achieve suc-
cess – just don’t brag and don’t make empty promises.

LIFESKILLS 37
 MORE TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION
AND LIFESTYLE
o Have dreams and take active steps to achieve them. Do not be afraid to talk
about your dreams and aspirations to women – this shows that you have the
qualities to achieve success – just don’t brag and don’t make empty promises.

o Develop an active and interesting lifestyle that includes tastes and hobbies that
reflect your good taste and sophistication not ones that are necessarily expensive
to practice.

o Develop the ability to carry on a conversation about a very wide variety of

topics like: art, music politics, wine, cuisine, decorating, travels, other cultures, etc

o Get out of your backyard. Travel and expand your horizons – even if you
can only afford to do it by bus!

o Go out to all of the free art, theater, music, or dance festivals in your town.
There is no limit to the amount of free things you can do when you go out.
Don’t get into the rut of going to the same bar every night and spending money
uselessly.

o Invite new friends over for dinner rather than always going out to bars and
restaurants.

o No matter how broke you are, do not be cheap or petty. You will just pro-
gram your mind to continue being broke. Being generous helps you circulate
good karma, but more importantly, helps reprogram your belief system to recog-
nize your potential to be successful.

o Address self-limiting beliefs and thinking traps (false beliefs), you have about
money and success. The only limits you have are those that you impose on

38
yourself.

o Don’t waste your money conspicuously on expensive clothes or cars – most

successful people do not because they invest their money on more meaningful
things that will gain in value rather than decrease in value. For example, suc-
cessful people are more likely to buy their home but lease their car, whereas
unsuccessful people rent their homes, and buy their cars. Conspicuous spending
by a person who cannot really afford it risks being labelled nouveau riche.

o Get involved in charity events and go where successful people are likely to
socialize. Initially you need to volunteer at the work levels, raising funds, stuffing
envelopes, running errands. You goal should be to get to understand the charity
and the area of public service it promotes.

o When you have had some experience at the worker level, then volunteer at the
middle management level. It will give you the opportunity to talk to women in
order to ask them to volunteer their time and service. It is a great way to get to
know women.

o Finally, when you feel you have grasped the elements of charity worker, and
charity manager, offer your services at the level of a Board of Directors. It is
difficult to find people to fill these chairs, but the charity usually prefers to have
people on the Board who understand their work. Board members generally have
access to senior and wealthy members of society.

o Make use of the opportunities that a charity or non-profit offers you. It can be
good for you on many levels.

LIFESKILLS 39
 REDLINE
Being overly focused on money is often a
turn off for women. Being overly focused
on money means you are trying to buy
people’s affection and respect and actu-
ally reflects insecurity.
It usually signals to a woman that a man
is self-doubting and needs money in order
to feel good about himself. Men who use
money to buy a woman’s affection end up com-
ing to believe that the only reason a woman would date them is
because they have a lot of money. They have trouble believing
that any woman (or sometimes anyone) would like them simply for
who they are as a person. So they become afraid to let women
see them for ‘who they really are’ and end up wearing social
masks. They often feel that they have to offer something ex-
travagant in order for a woman to go out with them, essentially
saying, “I know that you probably wouldn’t want to go out with

STALL OUT
Having no money is often a bigger problem for men than they
admit. Many men make excuses for not pursuing
relationships by saying that it is because they
do not have time, or are not attracted to
anyone, when in reality it is because they
are insecure about their financial situa-
tion. Remember, money is only important
insofar as it signals to a woman that you
have certain positive qualities. And you
can signal these qualities without necessar-
ily having a lot of money.

40
3 Confidence
Earlier in this text we made the observation that women worry much of the time.
They live in a world of fear. They are afraid of danger, afraid of getting old or los-
ing their attractiveness. Because women worry so much, they are often anxious and
sometimes insecure. Even very beautiful women are likely to be insecure about their
looks. Most women really crave to be with someone with whom they can allow them-
selves to be vulnerable. This is what they mean when they say, “He made me feel
like a woman”.

Because of these constant fears and insecurities that women live with, they crave some-
one who has the opposite quality: Confidence. The quality of confidence in a man
helps a woman to resolve her own sense of insecurity.

A confident man is not afraid to go after what he wants. He is not hurt by rejection
because he believes in his own self-worth. Women are infinitely more rejection sensi-
tive than men – She will NEVER approach you and it is your social DUTY as a man
to take the lead, to take the initiative, and to take the social risks in dating. Accept
it.

For a man to get rejected, you actually have to actively walk up to a woman and talk
to her. Although this is not a pleasant experience, it is nothing compared to the rejec-
tion women experience.

Imagine being a woman. You literally spend hours getting ready to go out, getting
your hopes and dreams up (because you’ve spent hours fantasizing about meet-
ing someone and you’ve talked to your girlfriends for hours about who might be at
this social event you are preparing for) and have no men talk to you that night. Or
worse, you make eye contact and smile at a guy, and he doesn’t approach. Or
again, not being noticed at all even though you (as a woman) have done your best to
look good. Women have ALL experienced this kind of passive rejection, and it has a
very serious impact on their self-esteem. Men need to actively DO something to get
rejected.

Women get rejected a thousand times a night in a passive, more painful way. If you
don’t have the confidence to approach a woman and initiate a conversation, you
have just demonstrated that you do not have one of the most important qualities that

LIFESKILLS 41
 she demands. In fact, some women will test a man’s confidence by initially being
rude or dismissive. But rest assured, this is usually a test to see just how confident a
man is. If a man is confident, he will persist and stand up for himself.

TIPS ON IMPROVING YOUR CONFIDENCE

Building confidence means recognizing your self-worth, respec
that you are competent to deal with life’s challenges and are
o Take out any certificates for achievements you have received (you know, the ones that
walls.

o Challenge yourself to take on higher-level tasks or projects

o Do something that you are afraid of or something you have never done before at leas

o Get into a habit of saying “Yes” rather than “I don’t know. Maybe, but it sounds

o Make statements rather than always asking questions (For example, say “I’d like to
eat? What would you like to eat?”

o Avoid using qualifiers and disclaimers (For example, do not say, “Don’t expect too m
say something like, “Great! A new experience coming up!”

o Make a list of all of your past accomplishments for which you are most proud and rea

o Use the power of “YET” to create challenges for yourself. For example, “I haven’t
to try.” Realistically ask for and accept guidance, if it is appropriate, or if someone offe

42
 cting yourself, and communicating it. It means that you believe
e worthy of happiness.
are lying around at the bottom of your drawers), have them framed and put them up on your

st once a month (For example, go white water rafting, rock climbing, or join an adventure club.)

s scary….”

have some Chinese food tonight. Would you like to join me?” Do not say, “Would you like to

much, its my first time, I hope you won’t be disappointed”.) Instead, say nothing; just do it. Or

ad them over daily using positive affirmations

’t tried that…yet, but I would really like to.” or “I don’t know how to do that, but I am willing
ers.

LIFESKILLS 43
 REDLINE
There is a big difference between confidence and
arrogance. A confident man has faith in his ability
to cope with the problems of life. He believes that
he has the ability to present himself effectively and
to meet the challenges that may come his way.
STALL
The definition of ‘arrogance’ is “to make undue claims in an over-
bearing manner”. The arrogant person is essentially a fake. He resorts to
OUT
bullying tactics to make people think that he has confidence in himself. An
Confidence is not op-
arrogant man does not have that level of internal self-confidence. He does
tional for a man. What
not have a clear idea of his internal strengths. He does not know his own
is the opposite of confi-
limits.
dence? Insecurity. And
how do men telegraph
So what he does is resort to intimidation in order to eliminate any poten-
their insecurity? By be-
tial threat to his own core insecurity. Arrogant men usually are boisterous,
ing too eager to please
rude, demanding and pushy. They never allow themselves the luxury of
and by NEEDING others
turning their defense system off. They believe firmly in the adage: “The
to like him. By letting a
best defense is a strong offence”. And they are habitually offensive.
woman, or anyone else
for that matter, walk all
Such men are also dangerous in sex. The lack of internal self confidence
over him because he is
usually results in their resorting to intimidation. They need to think that
afraid of rejection. Ironi-
they are ‘showing the woman who is boss’ by being overbearing,
cally, the more you do
rude, crude and sometimes extremely violent. When this behavior plays
this, the more likely you
into a woman’s psychological dysfunction, which shows up as a need to
are to get rejected.
be domineered – the scenario is a set-up for a dangerous or even lethal
‘accident’.

It has been observed that men who seriously work at body-building pro-
grams are often quite mild-mannered men. When this behavior was exam-
ined it was concluded that they did not have to be aggressive or arrogant.
They could afford to be agreeable and affable because they not only were
strong men, more importantly, they knew exactly how strong they were.
They were able to make comparative assessments with most men they met;
and they estimated that they were stronger. When there was any doubt, it
was noted that they both explicitly discussed their gym achievements, and
determined who was the stronger that way.
44
4 Humour
People’s lives are usually pretty boring, full of routine and minimal effort. People,
especially women, crave something that will take them out of their boring life for a while
and give them a sense of excitement, of fun, and especially, adventure. In this way,
women sometimes live in a fantasy world they create for themselves. They maintain this
fantasy world by talking endlessly with their friends about what things mean, about how
things should be (rather than how they really are).

Adventurousness, fun and humor are a reflection of a man’s inner attitude towards the
world.

ADVENTUROUSNESS
A woman does not want to feel more adventurous than her man does. An adventurous
man promises to help her to leave the drudgery of her own life and capture some of
the fantasy life of her dreams. Adventure equals excitement, spontaneity, intensity of
experience. An adventurous man is also one with few inhibitions. A woman does not
want to feel more sexually adventurous or gutsier in life than her man does. In many
ways, women have trouble accepting responsibility for their sexuality. Being with a man
who is uninhibited, not uptight, and generally very open-minded, allows her to let her
inhibitions down and truly be herself.

FUN
Being ‘funny’ means to be able to provoke laughter in other people, by telling jokes,
for instance:

“Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to
a local motel. The first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside.
Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door,
“‘I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t do it!’”

In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, “How did it go?” The first one

LIFESKILLS 45
 answers. “It was embarrassing. I simply couldn’t do it.”
The second hobbit shook his head, “Manhood problems, eh?”
“No, I couldn’t get on the bed!”
What makes this joke funny? What makes us laugh is the unexpected reference to height,
when the story led us to think about sexual performance.

The ability to see the funny side of things and to express it effectively in a quip or a joke
is a personal skill all its own. Some people have it while others are better off not even
trying-- they just do not have the knack, or it just does not go with their personality.

If being funny is not your particular social gift, then do not push it. Instead, cultivate an
ability to laugh at other people’s jokes. Nobody
can be funny without an audience.
“Hey, don’t knock
HUMOUR masturbation! It’s sex
What makes a thing funny is the perception of its with someone I love.”
incongruousness. When things obviously do not go
together, they strike us as funny. It is the unexpected
observation or connection that makes us laugh.
“It is not that I’m
Drawing these connections and making these ob- afraid to die, I just
servations obviously requires some intelligence. To don’t want to be there
some extent, as mentioned above, you either have when it happens.’
the ability or you do not.

However, what everyone can cultivate is a sense

‘Money is better than
of humor. ‘Humor’ is the ability to see what poverty, if only for
is funny, amusing, comical, incongruous or absurd. financial reasons.”
The humorist calls other people’s attention to those
funny features of life.

In a very real sense, having a sense of humor is a

kind of internal decision. It is how you are willing --WOODY ALLEN

46
to look at things.
“Everybody is
Women like to be amused. They like to have a man say ignorant, only on
something that brings a smile to their lips. The fact that different
a man can say something amusing makes a woman feel subjects.”
that he has control of life. It allows her to think that he
has enough control, a strong enough sense of dominance
“I don’t know
that he can afford to take things easy. It increases her
sense of security. It essentially says, “Here is a man jokes,
who never gets upset by life’s little ups and downs.” I just watch the
Moreover, because women are emotional, they need a government and
man who can be their emotional anchor. report the facts.”
Humor is also very important for another reason: it lets a
woman lower her inhibitions. If you ever have heard a “There is one thing
woman say, “I want a man who can make me laugh”, that can kill TV, and
what she is really saying is, “I want a man who can that’s education.”
allow me to lower my inhibitions”. A woman cannot be
made to feel that she is more uninhibited than you are.
Laughter and humor show that you are comfortable in --WILL ROGERS
any situation. Humor essentially allows a woman to lower
her inhibitions and just let go.

LIFESKILLS 47
 TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR HUMOUR
Improving your humour and adventurousness means being more
spontaneous, less rigid, and generally more fun to be around. Both
humor and adventurousnessrequire you to be uninhibited, and that
is very sexy because it encourages a woman to let go of her inhibi-
tions as well.
o Try to find the irony or incongruity in situations and practice
pointing them out to others
o Read books on humor; think about the line; find opportunities to
repeat them appropriately.
o If you have a choice between two movies, pick the funny one
o Go see some local stand up comics and write down the jokes that
reflect your personality or that you can use
o When someone tell a joke, listen to it and try to appreciate the
humor in the story. Be a good audience.
TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR ADVENTUROUSNESS
o Don’t take yourself too seriously
o Be flexible without being spineless
o Be more spontaneous and embrace situations that do not go ac-
cording to plan – they are opportunities to experience something
new (For example: If you get lost driving somewhere, tell your
passengers that you’ve decided to take the scenic route in order to
discover a new part of the world – then stop and ask for direc-
tions.

48
 REDLINE
Women do not want to date a clown: clowns
don’t get laid. You do not want to be the public
entertainer. You do not want to seen as goofy
funny. Also, what does not work well is sar-
casm, pointed criticism, mockery and other crude
plays on other people. Yes, those comments get
a laugh, but they are also a warning. If you can
be cutting and cruel towards other people just to get
a laugh, what would stop you from doing the same thing to
the woman after you move on. No one wants to be the butt of
jokes. A man who is ALWAYS joking around is eventually seen as
juvenile and actually unable to handle some of life’s more serious
problems.

STALL OUT
Not having a sense of humour or the ability to laugh
signals to a woman that you are rigid, uptight, and
BORING. It signals a man who is overly controlled
– which usually reflects someone who has so little
confidence in his ability to handle the world that he
must always be in control of everything and everybody,
including his positive emotions. No woman wants to be
more adventurous or uninhibited than her man. Talking
about only factual things, although making you sound very smart, also
makes you BORING. Remember, people like humour because it takes them
away from their ordinary lives and puts some sparkle in their day and lets
them ‘let their hair down’.
Although we will cover this later in more detail, remember this adage
“Feelings first, Facts second”. And when it comes to feelings, the more
positive the feelings she experiences with you (especially laughter) the more
she will enjoy and crave being around you.
LIFESKILLS 49
 5 Authenticity

Authenticity means being genuine, being real, and having the conviction of your
beliefs. The authentic person does not change his mind just to avoid displeasing
someone. In short, it means being yourself – the best parts of it anyway. The more
a woman feels that you are yourself, the more she feels like she can be herself. This
goes a long way to helping a woman feel that she can lower her defenses when she
is with you.

Being authentic means not treating a woman in a way that gives her too much initial
value. What if a bum walked up to you on the street all smiles and full of compli-
ments, what would your reaction be? Obviously, you would assume he was not being
authentic. Instead, you’d see that he was being this nice to you because he wants
something from you. Naturally, your reaction to his approach would be one of rejec-
tion: your defenses would go up, you would back away, and tell him you are not
interested.

Being overly nice or overly complimentary to a woman upon first meeting her triggers
the same response: It triggers her defenses, makes her question your motives, and
makes her not only disinterested, but actually repulsed. The automatic suspicion is that
since you do not know anything about her and she has not given you any reason to
be this nice to her, therefore, you must be after something. Moreover, since you don’t
know anything about her, you must certainly not just be interested in her for her
charming personality.

In the context of authenticity, some men have asked us whether learning about the
Psychology of Dating and Attraction might seem manipulative. It does after all give
you an unfair advantage over guys who do not really understand what they are doing
and who think dating is just a numbers game. Well, we believe that buying expensive
dinners and gifts, as well as being too nice, is inauthentic and fake. Those behaviors
are clearly manipulative because they are not genuine. After all, you would not act
this way with obese women, ugly women, or your guy friends.

Being authentic means you are comfortable enough to be yourself in all situations

50
and consequently are able to treat everyone else equally well, while recognizing there
individual difference.

With authenticity comes the capacity for personal warmth and respectfulness. Because
you have nothing to prove or to hide, you can afford to be open and compassionate
towards others. These are the qualities that make a woman feel comfortable. If you
want a woman to lower her defenses when she is with you, she needs to feel com-
fortable and develop a sense of trust with you.

WARMTH
The idea of warmth implies that you are friendly, kindly, attentive, and affection-
ate. Treating a person with
warmth, touching a person HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR WARMTH
You can create warmth in an interaction by using your body
with warmth produces a sen- language:
sation of being treated well. o Lean forward slightly
It implies emotional presence. o Talk softly and warmly with good intonation
When a women says man is o Listen to what the other person has to say
o Speak to her emotions
“so warm” she means that o Soft eye-contact (don’t turn it into a staring contest! Remember to
he shows interest in her by blink.)
o Tilt your head slightly when you’re listening, laugh, smile, non-sexual
attending to the little, friendly, touching (for example, put your hand on her hand or cheek, or softly
kindly things that bring caresses her hair)
o Allow some silence in the conversation where you just sit there and
‘grace’ into her life. gaze into her eyes and sigh with a small smile.

Warmth is shown by ask- While doing these things, allow yourself to actually FEEL attracted to
her and to feel very positive feelings for her. Women pick up on this
ing about a small problem somehow, and it’s not a visual thing, it’s just felt.
with genuine interest, by
remembering how she takes her coffee, by helping her on with her coat and gently
squeezing her shoulders, by smiling at her and looking in her eyes when you hand
her something. It is about making a real connection with a real person.

RESPECT
Yet another attitude towards life in general and towards the particular woman you
are with is respect. Respect does not mean ‘not asking for sex’. The fundamental
meaning of respect is ‘to give a person what is due to them’. It can only start with
you respecting yourself – your space, your boundaries, your needs. With regard to
her, it implies courteous regard for her feelings. Having respect for her means that you

LIFESKILLS 51
 show a willingness to listen to her opinions, preferences and interests and to take them
seriously. It means an attitude of appreciation towards the woman for the person she
is. A sense of being respected stems from having your needs, views, situation noticed,
paid special attention to, cared for. Being respectful means acting like what she says,
thinks and does is worthy of consideration.

STALL OUT
A relationship without enough authenticity stalls out very quickly. If a man
refuses to share anything, it is considered creepy. She may be thinking,
“What does he have to hide?” It also means that a
person is very superficial and only shows his public mask
to others. It may be a sign of insecurity reflecting a fear
that if he were to be really authentic and himself, that
people wouldn’t like that. And those types of interactions
don’t have any depth, and don’t usually last very long
52 either.
RED LINE
Obviously, when we talk about being authentic and being yourself, we mean put out your BEST qualities
and do not give in to the temptation to give a women too much power over you because you are afraid
she won’t like you. Being authentic means you don’t care if she likes you or not. However, if being
authentic means sipping beer naked in front of your TV set and being a personal slob, well, that might
be going a little too far. Self-respect is also important. Women make judgments about everything. If
you are overweight, they assume that it is because you do not have the self-discipline
and self-respect to do something about it. If you dress horribly, women will
make judgments about your personal quali- ties based on that: maybe
you can’t afford it, maybe you have no self-respect. Remember,
women are often on diets and wear painful shoes because they care
about what others will think of them. If they have the discipline, will-
power, and self-respect to do these things, then you, as the stronger
male, should have even more of it.

Too much of a good thing in the initial dating phase may make you appear suspect or may make you
come off as sappy, spineless, subservient – too eager to please. That is an INSTANT turn off. Re-
member, no one is really that nice ALL the time. Too much warmth and respect at first may appear as
manipulative and giving her too much importance that she hasn’t yet earned. You cannot be overly
accommodating in ways that makes a woman you just met THE most important thing in your life. She is
only one thing in your life – one small facet of a busy and fulfilling life. Resist the temptation to make
all kinds of sacrifices for her initially. This means that if she proposes to do something with you on a
night that you had other plans, DO NOT CANCEL YOUR OTHER PLANS. Either invite her to join you, or
better yet, tell her you have plans but propose another date.

Sharing too much information about yourself early on is also a major turn off. Women need time to get
close to you. People who have no sense of personal boundaries come across as creepy. Imagine sitting
on a bus with a total stranger and having them tell you their life story. A few funny anecdotes might be
ok, but you certainly wouldn’t want to hear about the tragedies in their lives.

Women like some mystery, a sense of challenge, a sense that they are getting to know a part of you that
isn’t shared with just anyone. When you do reveal something about yourself, you can preface it by say-
ing something like, “I don’t know why I am telling you this”, “I don’t usually say this to people”…
etc. It will make her feel like she has gotten to know a private, secret, and authentic part of you.
UNDE
THE
HOOD
ER
D
 All the right qualities- in the right quantities
Admiration
All the qualities listed above are essential ingredients in triggering attraction. Too much
of one and not enough of the others will spoil the whole presentation. A careful balance
is needed, and how to do it generally has to be learned bit by bit usually with error
one way or the other. With these qualities, you will trigger the all-important reaction of
admiration. A woman cannot be attracted to a man that she does not admire. Without
a woman’s admiration, there can be no attraction. For a woman to admire you, she
has to look up to you and respect you. If she feels you are beneath her, looks down
on you, or disrespects you, she cannot be attracted to you. Anything demeaning you
do, any act that makes you less than her, lower than her, or obversely puts her on a
pedestal in a position higher than you, is ultimately unattractive.

It is self-defeating for a man to allow himself to feel that a woman is ‘out of his
league’ because of her physical beauty or her professional accomplishments or her
financial status. Such an attitude of self-effacement is a serious put down. It makes a
women feel that something she has, some possession, is more important than she is.
Such feelings are ultimately very unattractive to a woman because it makes her feel like
she has power over you.

In addition self-deprecation promotes the judgment that you place too much emphasis on
superficial qualities. She will think, quite appropriately, that you will never get to know
the real her because you will always be intimidated by her or distracted by something
she happens to have. She cannot feel attracted to someone she intimidates – although,
heaven knows, there are many women who put on a public persona to intimidate others,
only to be very disappointed when it works.

56
 Exercise: Admiration
Write out a list of all of your greatest accomplishments that you think are worthy of admira-
tion. Go back as far as you can remember. No feat is too small to mention, for example,
the third grade drawing of a bee that won a prize. If you cannot recall any, talk to your
parents and closest friends and ask them about things that they most admire about you.
Once you have this list, read it twice a day – just as you wake up, and just before going
to bed – until you feel worthy of admiration.

Next, form a mutual admiration society composed of friends that you can get together with
regularly to share your accomplishments with (no matter how small). These are great
ways to start feeling admired, but more importantly, to feel worthy of admiration.

The Least Attractive Qualities

These next qualities are so unattractive to women that they run away from them. They
are the opposite of the attractive qualities listed above: they are the qualities of DESPERA-
TION and NEEDINESS. Sometimes we communicate neediness in very subtle ways. But
trust a woman to pick up on even the most subtle clue.

Women like a challenge. They like a man who is sought after. They do not want a man
who clings and hangs on them, who follows them around like a puppy-dog. And they
certainly don’t like a man who is subservient. You need to understand that attracting
women and dating is much like going to the bank for a loan: The more you look like
you need it, the less likely you are to get it.
Remember, you will attract what you project.

Desperation
Becoming desperate is the worst thing that can happen and the psychological impact
can be long term. Imagine that someone offered you a job for 2$ an hour. Would you
accept it? Of course not! You would decline because you are worth more than that.

LIFESKILLS 57
 However, if you hadn’t had a job in a few years, and were starving, you probably
would accept it because it would be all that you felt you could get. Allowing yourself
to be starved for intimacy and healthy relationships puts you in an equally needy and
desperate position. And once you accept that 2$ and hour job, that is what you are
now worth – or so you believe.

Allowing yourself to enter a state of desperation also implies that you not only think you
have run out of all your resources, it also implies that you have lost the will or imagina-
tion to reach out and find more resources for yourself. There is family. There are friends,
there are professional resources. There is God. It is the ultimate loser state of mind to
decide that everything is lost without fully exploiting the possibilities for support.

Consider the following story. The point is that help can come from unexpected sources.
Do not give up hope.

Lynne had been set up on a blind date with Alex. After the date, she reported to her
friend that she had found Alex nice, but not interesting enough to see again. Her friend,
convinced that they would be a good match and determined not to be defeated in her
project to match them up, invited them both out to dinner with her and her husband.

During dinner, she made a point to ask Alex about a date he had recently had with
another woman. Suddenly, and without really knowing why, Lynne started to find Alex
more attractive and decided to go out on another date with him. Three years later, they
married.

Recently, they had their 10th anniversary and reminisced about how they first met. To
her shock and infinite amusement, Lynne discovered that Alex had never really been on
another date with another woman. It had all been part of her friend’s ploy to get Lynne
interested in Alex. The point is: it worked!

Among other things, the story illustrates how a woman can be moved by her own feel-
ings (in this case the faint tendrils of jealousy), while being herself unaware of what is
happening. Her wise friend, aware of how women worked, had a much more realistic
and objective perspective on her friend. She realized a subtle mistake in judgement had
occurred and had to skill to engineer a clever corrective measure. It was successful.

58
There are many different words used to describe the all important qualities of attraction
that women look for. Some phrases may be more familiar to you than others. The fol-
lowing checklist is meant to help you to more easily recognize these key qualities.

LIFESKILLS 59
 Positive and Negative
Qualities Checklist
LIFESTYLE
Go Getter Lazy
Ambitious No direction
Passionate Boring

LEADERSHIP
Powerful Follower
Has authority Weak
Makes decisions No authority
Successful Indecisive
Respected by others No direction in life
Popular Doormat to others
Admired Incompetent
Competent Is a wall flower
Has presence Loner
Ignored

60
CONFIDENCE
Assertive Arrogant
Persistent Fickle

HUMOUR
Adventurous
Open-minded
Can laugh and make others laugh
Never seems to let life get him down
Doesn’t take life too seriously
Doesn’t laugh or smile much
Takes life too seriously
ALWAYS joking around
Gets upset over little things
Conservative

AUTHENTICITY
Doesn’t need to impress Shallow
Has his own style Solitary
Holds his own opinions Self-Centered
Friendly Doesn’t hold his own beliefs and opinions
Kind Non-touching
Affectionate Indifferent
Genuine interest Ignores needs
Attends to needs Only sees man’s view
Accepts woman’s view

LIFESKILLS 61
 EXERCISE: Personal Qualities

Make a chart like the one

to the left with a list of five QUALITIES
essential qualities. For each
Quality, use the Positive Traits
column to show yourself 1.
examples of things you do that Leadership/Dominance 2.
demonstrate the associated 3.
quality.
1.
Next, move to the right-hand Lifestyle 2.
column, Negative Traits. 3.
Write down the things you 1.
do, consciously or not, that Confidence 2.
demonstrate you have not fully 3.
mastered this quality.
1.
Use your chart to begin to Humour 2.
understand what you can 3.
improve and what you may 1.
need to change. Authenticity 2.
3.

62
POSITIVE NEGATIVE
TRAITS TRAITS

1.
2.
3.
1.
2.
3.
1.
2.
3.
1.
2.
3.
1.
2.
3.

LIFESKILLS 63
 “I want a strong man who is also sensitive.”
Have you ever heard a women say these words. Are they crazy? Where on this list
of qualities is sensitivity? In fact, they are not crazy, and they mean EXACTLY that:
Being a strong man is not optional. Being sensitive is optional. They did NOT say,
“I want a sensitive man who is also strong”.

These qualities are sometimes sought out in different proportions depending on wheth-
er a woman is looking for a fling or a serious relationship. But these ingredients are
all still essential.

You can create irresistible attraction by being able to communicate these 5 qualities
- essentially flipping these switches instantly with what you project: your attitude, your
look, your body language. It all has to say, “I am the alpha-male, I am successful, I
am confident, fun, and real” That requires some work.

EXERCISE: VISUAL IMPACT

Knowing what you now do, compare these two pictures. What is your impression of
these two men? What qualities do they project? What did you base your impressions
on?

64
A woman wants a man who has a backbone. As we said above, an appropriate
show of strength is not an option, it is a necessity. The number one complaint we
hear from women is that “men have no balls”.

What Do Men Want?

We’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what women want. Well, in a lot of
ways, women are more generous than men in terms of what they are attracted to
because what women want is within your power to change. Men are much tougher.

Years of psychological research has shown that these are the 5 most attractive qualities
that men seek in a woman (in order of importance):

1. Beauty
2. Sexual openness/ compatibility
3. Fun/ adventurousness
4. Nurturance
5. Youthfulness

Interestingly, gay men (just like straight men) are also attracted to these same qualities
and they seek them out in other men. That is why gay men generally (although not
necessarily always) tend to be more attractive, better dressed, more sexually active,
more emotionally nurturing and look younger than straight men. They are projecting
(consciously or not) the qualities that other men look for (straight or gay).

A woman who displays these qualities, which you will interpret in about a tenth of a
second, will trigger your attraction whether you want her to or not. Interestingly, you
will make judgments about her sexuality based on her appearance and on the way
she carries herself. You may even think to yourself, “Oohhh, she would be great in
bed”. Of course, this may or may not be true. But, it should drive home the impor-
tance of first impressions.

The least you can do is to try to present what you have in its best light. A time-proven
method of making sure than all of the points have been covered is that of making

LIFESKILLS 65
 an inventory checklist and going through it. We have provided you with just such an
inventory check list. Please go through it carefully, and do not skip any of the points.

LIFESKILLS PDI CHECKLIST FOR MEN

YOUR ATTITUDE HER INTERPRETATION
YOUR LOOK: BODY LANGUAGE
Hair Eye Contact
Body Odor Eye Focus
Colognes Smiling
Underclothes Facial Expression
Socks Posture
Wardrobe Nervous Habits
READINESS

These five check points bear a little discussion and reflection on your part:

Your attitude (Subjective): It is how you feel within yourself.

Her Interpretation of Your Attitude (Objective): How she feels about you.
Your‘Look’ (Variable): What you do, how you do it, and how it is seen.
Your body (Objective): This is something concrete that you generally can do something
about easily.
Your‘readiness’ (Subjective): How you feel about her.

66
ATTITUDE
In a sense, ‘attitude’ is everything. Women have radar. And what shows up on
their radar screen is primarily your attitude. Unfortunately attitude is not a simple
thing, like cologne, that you can buy at a local drugstore.

Just as the name Formula One (European) or its equivalent, Indy Car Racing (Ameri-
can) stands for a set of rules, known as a ‘formula’, that is made up of a car’s
power, weight, size, and a variety of individual refinements, so, ‘Attitude’ is a kind
of ‘formula’ that is made up of a guy’s style, physical appearance, and behavior
plus a variety of individual ways of doing things.

There are basic rules that have to be followed, limits that have to be observed for the
sake of success; you have to learn and observe the basic rules of dating. If you don‘t
follow the basic rules, then you do not get admitted to the racing track. But beyond
those basic rules, no one is the same; everyone has their ‘best look’, their own
interpretation of ‘cool’. And each guy has to learn what that ‘best look’ might
be.

Attitude is conveyed by many little things: for example, how you hold your head, how
you walk, how and when you smile, how you behave, how you smell. But especially,
women read attitude in your eyes – all of these are subtle things.

It may be that you agree that these things are subtle and not so easy for you to
identify, much less work with. But that does not mean that attitude cannot be im-
proved. It just cannot be improved directly. Attitude is more a sum of how you think
and therefore act. Attitude is changed indirectly. What you change directly is the little
things – and this Manual will tell you how to change some of those ‘little things’.

The key is change

Change the little things, like your posture, body language and style, and the big
things, like your attitude, will change themselves. But you have to change the little
things.

LIFESKILLS 67
 If you do not change the little things, if you do not change enough of them, and if
you do not change them sufficiently, then the attitude will not change.

Remember, concentrate on getting the little concrete things about yourself right, or at
least better, and your attitude will improve automatically. You will basically qualify as
interesting to women. Just give it a little time to settle in and become part of your
regular behavior.

Your attitude is reflected in your ability to attract a woman. It comes from inside
of you, as a result of how you think about yourself. To use other words, it is your
‘charm’, your ‘charisma’, your ‘sex appeal’. The words all mean the same
thing: your attractive attitude. Smart guys have to have some understanding of what
they are doing. That is the LIFESKILLS perspective. Only an idiot would just crawl into
Schumacher’s car, jam a helmet down on his head and pull out onto the track and
into a professional race.

What sculpts your attitude?

The attitude with which you present yourself to the world of women is based on the
experiences of your life. While sorting out those experiences might not be something
you can do easily on your own, it might help to realize that the way you think about
yourself in relation to women and the way you think about women, for that mat-
ter, is very much the result of the many accumulated years of experience you have
lived through. Much of that influence goes unnoticed by you. However, it directs your
behavior nonetheless. It is that composite set of beliefs, opinions, prejudices, overheard
statements, vaguely interpreted actions and words that have ended up forming your
attitude towards yourself and towards women.

Sources of influence
The sources of the influence that have contributed to the formation of your attitude are
many and varied. But you might ask yourself such questions as “When I think about

68
 myself and women, what are the thoughts that come into my mind? What are my root
thoughts? It might help to write some of the thoughts that come to you in response to
your asking yourself the question.

LIFESKILLS REVIEW: ROOTS OF ATTITUDE

“When I think about this (source) and also think about myself or women or my-
self and women, what thoughts come to mind?

NEGATIVE POSITIVE PRESENT

SOURCE
IDEAS IDEAS COMMENT
Early
Experience
Family
Friends

Society
Culture

Media
Other

LIFESKILLS 69
 Typical Issues
Experience has taught us that there are some typical issues that tend to come up
when guys start actually thinking about their social behavior. They are not issues eas-
ily resolved, but starting to recognize them for what they are is a good start towards
revamping an unprofitable pattern of social behavior.

Self-Esteem
Perhaps the major issue that comes up when guys start to actually think about them-
selves is the sense that: “I don’t feel good about myself.”

If you do not ‘feel good about yourself’, then what do you expect a woman to
think about you? We are not talking about your mother here. We are talking about
a woman, a potential friend, a potential companion, a potential lover.

Have you ever missed a meal? How quickly does your standard of what you will eat
go down after missing just one meal? Now imagine how far your standards will go
down after having been deprived of food for a few days or a few weeks. A man’s
body needs a steady diet of good food; a man’s spirit needs a steady diet of posi-
tive affirmation.

Self-esteem, self-worth and personal relationships are all entwined together. If you
are starved for affection because you haven’t been with someone for a long time,
you are likely to accept something that is not of a very high calibre; the relationship
equivalent of a 2$ job. If you are starved for love because no one was willing to
love you just as you are, then you are in a state of emotional malnutrition. If the gas
filter is dirty and the engine cannot get any gas, it will become sluggish and then
finally stall out.

The problem is that these influences affected you when you were too young to know
what was happening or when you were not really paying attention. Now you start to
believe that that is all you are worth or all you can get.

For this reason, it is important to never let yourself get emotionally starved for

70
companionship or physical affection. Your value is only as high as your last salary.
Never allow yourself to be in a position where the relationship equivalent of a 2$/
hour job is a promotion!

The Image of High Self-Esteem

How does someone with high self esteem or high self-worth come across?
•They are poised, optimistic, have a “can do’ attitude
•They don’t see obstacles; they see opportunities.
•They have a clear understanding of themselves psychologically, emotionally, and
spiritually.
•They are at ease with themselves and feel competent and capable of making deci-
sions
•They can ask for help when they need it
•They accept their minuses and pluses and don’t get down on themselves for not
being perfect

The Image of Low Self-Esteem

How about someone with low self-esteem? What does he look like?
-They have a defeated, negative, ‘can’t do’ attitude
-They are alarmists, or treat everything like a catastrophe
-They are passive and resisting
-They have very little understanding of themselves and not interested in learning any-
thing about themselves
-Overly sensitive to criticism and wishy-washy about decisions
-Difficulty in accepting praise and consider themselves frauds, failures, and secret
incompetents.

How to improve your self-esteem

These suggestions may sound simple. But they work, if they are applied. You may
need a little help with some of them.

Do not put yourself down in front of others.

Too often, people develop a self-deprecating style as a way to get attention. Remem-
ber, that both men and women list self-confidence as a very sexy trait.

LIFESKILLS 71

Accept and give compliments gracefully. By accepting compliments, you reinforce your
inherent sense of self-worth. Remember, people will invest in you more if you look
like you don’t need it.

Acknowledge your weaknesses and work on them.

Develop a sense of your ideal self, but be honest with yourself about shortcomings.
Take the position that ‘you can change it’.

Fake it until you make it.
Whenever you are in a situation where you have an opportunity to act differently, ask
yourself: “If I was the ideal me, what would I do in this situation?” Then do it!

Live each day like it might be your last.
Most of us have regrets the things we haven’t done rather than the things we have.
We regret missed opportunities or chances that we let slip by. If you act in a way
that lets you go to bed each night without any regrets, you are getting closer to fulfill-
ing your potential. Next time you are faced with an opportunity, tell yourself that this
opportunity may never present itself again. Ask yourself what you would do if you
knew that today was your last day. Maybe you would go see that girl in accounting
and tell her how you really felt.
Maybe you would accept that invitation to go for a coffee. One thing is sure, you
would worry a lot less about what others thought of you or about possibly making a
fool of yourself.

Develop a mutual admiration society.

Surround yourself with optimistic, nurturing people who admire you as much as you
admire them. Avoid negative people who only complain. They will drain your energy
and if they never seem to have nice things to say about others, chances are, they
eventually won’t have nice things to say about you.

Shyness
About 80% of us consider ourselves shy. Shyness is a kind of social fear. Being shy is
normal. It only becomes a problem when it prevents you from getting what you want

72
out of life. Real courage is not someone who feels no fear. That is called ‘stupidity’.
Real courage is when you feel fear but go ahead and do something anyways.

How do you overcome shyness? Practice, Practice, Practice. Follow this guide for over-
coming shyness.

Step 1– Relax.
Learn some relaxation and deep breathing techniques that will help you master the
physical symptoms of your nervousness: butterflies in your stomach, sweating, tense
voice, and similar signs of tension.

There are many ways to effectively relax.

Here’s one formula:
1. Take a deep breath through your nose
2. Hold it for as long as you can
3. Very slowly let it out through your mouth, preferably with your lips in an ‘O’
shape.
4. Perform these steps three times. Be sure to allow your breath to completely expel.
As you exhale the air, allow your body to sag into a relaxed shape.

Holding your breath alters your brain chemistry in the direction of r elaxation. And the
slow exhaling of air allows you to become aware of your body’s gradual relaxation.

Step 2 – Visualize.
Use your imagination to create an inner vision of your ideal self. Imagine how you
would look, what you would say, and especially imagine yourself doing it successfully
and easily. Don’t let negative images flood your mind. Most importantly, however is to
allow yourself to FEEL what it would be like to successfully approach and talk to some-
one: the exhilaration, the happiness from having someone respond to you or laugh at
your jokes, and the satisfaction from having met a new and interesting person you can
add to your social network.

Step 3 - Role Play.

There is an additional prepratory element, but you need to have the right person to
work with, ideally someone with your best interests at heart, perhaps an older and

LIFESKILLS 73
 wiser person. Role play your approach with a friend. Of course you will feel stupid at
first, but if you can master your anxiety during role playing, it will be easier once you
do it for real.

For role playing to be effective you have to formally set it up as an acting scene. You
have to determine the script to be followed, at least in a general outline. You must set
the imaginary stage by describing the circumstances within which the play has to be
enacted. Then you must clearly describe the characters and lay out their roles, includ-
ing the type of motions and responses that are expected. Role playing works best
when the other pesron is fully willing to enter into the spirit of the little play.

When you have finished your scene, you ten need to enter into a discussion about the
way the scene went. Criticisms and suggestions have to be part of the discussion.

The goal of role playing in these circumstances is to help you become aware of how
you sound, how you appear, and how you come across to the otehr person. The goal
is to enable you to improve what you are doing. So the starting position has to be
that you are not doing very well on your approaches to the other person. Expect to
be criticized. Take the criticism as a support, not as a put down. Do not argue with the
criticism, accept it and see what you can do to make whatever changes are suggested.

Step 4 - Risk.
Start out with the idea that every approach you make has the possibility of success.
If it does not work, view it as an opportunity to critique your approach and consider
what changes might be made. Remember, while making a social approach to a
woman has some fixed elements to it, it is still an art form. And art can be improved
by corrections and practice.

Even people who are very successful at dating get rejected once in a while. The only
difference between them and others, perhaps you, is that they quickly bounce back.
They look at where they went wrong (wrong target, wrong strategy) and pick up from
there. Practice doing very easy things first.

1. Practice talking to guys

2. Practice talking to sales clerks and waitresses
3. Ask a beautiful woman for the time.

74
4. Give a woman a compliment.
5. Then, work your way up to walking up to a woman, saying “Hi”, and introduce
yourself
6. You will eventually work your way up to being able to have a very relaxed five
minute conversation with just about anyone, man or woman.

By the very act of practicing saying these sentences you will reduce you sense of fear,
of shyness.

Step 5 – Keep it real.
Accept that it is statistically certain that you will get turned down once in a while, and
know that if you are, it isn’t the end of the world. It certainly isn’t life threatening.
The greater likelihood is that it is not you personally who is being rejected, you are
just not her right type. Be a little objective and a little less self-centered. Really, what
is the worst that can happen if you get rejected? Let yourself imagine the worst pos-
sible scenario – She laughs out loud at you, she throws her drink at you, whatever
you can imagine. Now that you know that you can survive the worst case scenario,
ask yourself what probable reaction would be. Most probably, the worst that would
happen is that she may be polite or slightly indifferent. It is extremely rare for a
woman to be outright rude or bitchy. And when they are, they are usually reacting
to something that you’ve done, like being overly pushy, creepy, or weird. And if she
really does a number on you, you have a great story to tell.

The rewards of acting outgoing and friendly outweigh the risks. You can start by
practicing to approach and flirt with safe people you already know; such as the
salesclerk or your waitress. Learn to accept your imperfections. Don’t try to over plan
every aspect of your approach. Just go with the flow and trust that you will know
what to say and do when the time comes. The more relaxed you are, the easier this
will be.

Step 6 - Self-Encouragment.
We all talk to ourselves. The question is: How do you talk to yourself? Most of your
self-talk (about 75%) is filled with negative messages. There are several reasons for
this.

LIFESKILLS 75
 Year after year, you have exposed your brain and
thus programmed yourself with negative self-talk.
It started when you were very young, in fact,
when you were just a baby learning to crawl.
Long before you learned to talk, you learned the
meaning of the word NO! Your parents had to
teach you the meaning of this word very early
on just to keep you from killing yourself by do-
ing something stupid like reaching for the hot
stovetop.
After you got to be a really active toddler, most
of the things they said to you were negative
messages like: “Don’t touch that! Don’t do
that! You’ll hurt yourself. Be careful! Let me do
that for you, you’re too small.” These messages
leave an indelible print on your brain and affect
the way you see yourself. Even years later, part
of you
still sees yourself as a helpless child in a world
full of danger that you can’t confront.
Furthermore, these messages were designed
for one thing: to stop you dead in your tracks,
mostly by scaring you. The problem is that you
still carry these messages around inside you and
probably say them to yourself in your negative
self-talk when you’re confronted with a challenge.
It’s no wonder so many of us are paralyzed by
fear.
What damage you managed to escape as a child,
the media is now inflicting on you in newspaper
headlines and news stories designed, again, to
scare you. A recent study revealed that 75% of
newspaper and TV news stories were about nega-
76
WORST CASE
SCENARIO
I had gone out one night for a beer
with some friends. As we walked
up to the bar to order our beers,
I noticed that an attractive woman
at the bara that I decided to start
a conversation with. She had her
sweater on over her shoulders with
the empty sleeves just hanging down
by her side so I also turned around
to face her and in a friendly, teas-
ing, manner, squeezed the empty
sleeves and said “Hey, where are
your arms?”. With a dead serious
face, she looked at me and said,
“I don’t have any arms. I’m an
amputee and lost my arms in a car
crash.” I noticed, in fact that she
really did not have arms and was
drinking her beer through a straw.
Her friends were furious at me
and started to insult me and tried
to pick a fight with me. I felt so
mortified by my mistake and tried
to apologize, but all to no good.
It was a pretty bad scene and I
felt horrible at the time. But now
when I think about it, it is a funny
story to tell because I really had no
bad intentions and certainly didn’t
intend to insult or hurt anyone’s
feelings. I was just being friendly
and starting conversation.
tive or scary events. If we relied on these media to shape our view of the world, we
would have to conclude that most of the things that happen to us are negative and
that there is lots of danger out there.

However, we know that that the media distort the facts to fit their sense of what will
sell. Their distorted views are not the truth; they do not accurately reflect reality. In
fact, this happens to be about the safest era in the history of the world. Despite the
headlines, there have never been so few wars, so little violence, and so much prosper-
ity at the hands of so many people. The very fact that a story is newsworthy means
that it is unusual or rare and so it catches our attention.

It is a matter of perspective. If you reflect on your own life, you’ll see that in fact it
is very rare for something negative to happen to you compared to how often positive
things happen to you. Yet, our self-talk and our beliefs about how things are tell us
to be scared, to be careful because there are lots of dangerous things out there.

OUR NEGATIVE SELF-DEPRECATIONS

Our ways of undermining ourselves are many and varied. But we can identify 4 of the
most self-defeating and negative self-talk patterns

‘SHOULD’ STATEMENTS
You tell yourself “I shouldn’t feel so shy. I should feel more comfortable.” The
more you try to manage your feelings, the more out of control they seem to get.
Some psychologists call these should statements ‘musterbation’. Using should state-
ments only reinforce the message to yourself that you are not good enough. That kind
of self-talk is very damaging to your self-esteem and your mojo. Try replacing should
statements with “I would like to”, or “I want to”.

OVERGENERALIZATIONS
You generalize from one experience of failure and assume that all of your future
experiences will be like that. You see any rejection or mistakes as a constant pattern
of defeat. Such self-talk make you feel that things will never change.

MIND READING

LIFESKILLS 77
 You assume, without any real evidence, that you already know what other people
think of you. And worse, you’ve concluded that they probably do not like you. Such
self-talk will cause you to immediately be on your guard, full of suspicion; in that
defensive mood you are likely to say and do things that end up making them dislike
you.

FORTUNE TELLING
You assume that you know how something is going to turn out before you even try.
You think to yourself, “She isn’t going to be interested in someone like me”. These
thoughts act as a self-fulfilling prophesy because they make you feel awkward and
ill-at-ease; you give up before you even try because you are sure you will fail and
make your worst fear come true. Even if you’ve tried something 100 times before,
you never know how it will turn out next time. Such self-talk leads you into paralysis;
you end up doing nothing.

SELF TALK
To develop an awareness of your self-talk, listen to your inner voice. Is your own
inner voice a private cheering section or does it sound more like a hissing crowd? If
you’re hearing the booing crowd, here are some tips to help you out:

Listen to the self-talk of others that you admire – family, friends, and business col-
leagues. There’s no better way to realize how unproductive and damaging negative
self-talk is than listening others put themselves down.

THE POWER OF ‘YET’

Whenever you catch yourself saying “I can’t…” just add the word “YET!” at
the end of the sentence. It makes a huge difference in meaning, both to yourself and
your sub-conscious. It the sentence has been automatically transformed from one of
defeat, to one of challenge and inspiration and will infuse you with a ‘can do’
attitude.

Listen carefully to your own self-talk and try to rephrase it in positive terms. The chart
on the next page is meant to give you examples of negative and positive Self Talk.

78
LIFESKILLS 79
 QUALITIES NEGATIVE
HESITANT Well, I guess I could drive.

Well, it depends on the

VAGUE
weather and everything.

IFFY Maybe we could go to…

SO GENERAL I see you are ill, is

AS TO BE UNREALISTIC there anything I can do?

No, but she said that

COMPLICATED she didn’t think she
SELF TALK

would be able because..

Yes but…there are so

CONFUSED many different places
we could do.

NON-COMMITAL The movie? Yeah. It was

ok.

You see my Uncle called just

LYING at the time I was supposed
to pick you…
QUALITIES POSITIVE
AFFIRMATIVE Of course I will drive. I
would be glad to do it.

SPECIFIC I will be there, no matter

what.

I’m going to…

PRACTICAL
come with me?
I see you are ill. I am very
REALISTIC, WITH busy this week, but I will
LIMITS RECOGNIZED call you at noon to see
how you are doing.

EASY TO SAY She said “No”.

Let’s go to
CLEAR
MacDonald’-- for starters.

The movie? It made me feel

MEMORABLE
sad. How about you?

I am sorry. I was very busy

HONEST and I just forgot. I
apologize.
 INTERNAL CHANGES
While Self-Esteem may be the central issue in Attitude management, there a number of
other concerns that face guys. For another thing, guys face internal convictions, ideas
that cripple them in their effort to establish a relationship with a woman.

Any guy might well ask “What are my mental roadblocks?”
We were all brainwashed into being miserable because of our beliefs about sex. Here
are some negative beliefs that you have probably picked up during your formative
years:

“Sex is bad or dirty”

The truth is, not only does sex feel good physically; it also makes you feel good about
yourself. When you know that someone desires you, you tend to take better care of
yourself. You find the energy to go workout, dress better, and generally have much
higher self-esteem. Also, when you are having a lot of sex, things don’t seem to
bother you as much any more. You’re more relaxed, more confident, and probably
nicer to others. How is all of this supposed to be bad?

“Women don’t like sex as much as men”
The truth is that the stronger the restraints imposed on something, the stronger the
restrained thing must be. In our society, there are many more powerful restraints
on women’s sexuality than on men’s. Most probably, that is because, if left totally
free, a woman would have a much stronger libido than a man. We already know
that physically, women are capable of much more pleasure from sex than men. Their
clitoris is more sensitive than a man’s penis, and they can experience unlimited mul-
tiple orgasms. Unfortunately, some men are afraid of that. To be with a woman who
is totally uninhibited is probably one of life’s greatest gifts.

“If she wants to have sex right away, she’s a slut”

Like I said earlier, women love sex as much, if not more, than men do. They just
don’t like bad sex. And unfortunately, most men have never learned how to make
love to a woman properly.

“I must be a pervert, I want to have sex all the time”

Your body was designed to be able to distinguish between pleasure and pain. In

82
general, those things that give you pleasure are also good for you. And those things
that give you pain are meant to be avoided. The whole purpose of life is to seek
out pleasure and fun. Even your parents must have had pleasure and fun when they
created you.

Once you have worked on all of these inner changes, your attitude will be much more
pleasant. People with an attractive attitude genuinely make others around them feel
good about themselves. If you meet a beautiful woman, you probably think to your-
self, “She’d never be interested in a guy like me, she likes those big studly guys.”
The truth is, most of us are insecure, especially around people we consider to be out
of our league. An intelligent guy will not be easy to manipulate and most of these
beautiful girls have been so spoiled because of their looks, they don’t respect guys
who let her boss them around. Be comfortable with yourself and learn to respect
your qualities.

HER INTERPRETATION OF YOUR ATTITUDE

Whatever your Attitude might be, you cannot help but let other people know what it
is by little clues you unconsciously give them. The other side of the picture is the way
a woman interprets the external clues you inadvertently provide about your internal
attitude. And while every woman is an individual, there are still some general obser-
vations about how women generally go about interpreting your clues that tend to be
common to all women.

THE ESSENTIAL SECRET ABOUT WOMEN

If there is any one thing that seems to be characteristic of just about all women
– and especially about beautiful women – is that they are very insecure. In fact, it
has been observed that the more beautiful a woman is, generally, the more insecure
she is. It follows that the more insecure she is, the more she feels she has to invest in
her looks in an effort to promote within herself a sense of her self-worth. She doesn’t
believe, at a very deep level, that she has anything else that would be of interest to
anyone.

That may not sound like much to you. But it is a very, very large and important factor,
which a man must understand, if he is ever going to have any effective way of estab-
lishing a successful relationship with women.

LIFESKILLS 83
 This is so important that other manuals, frankly seductive, build almost all their tech-
niques on this point. Their practical goal is to play up to a woman’s insecurity by con-
stantly keeping her off balance. Again and again they advise a man to always come
up with the unexpected, the thing that the woman least expects. They say: “Never
say “Yes” or “No”, always say “Maybe”. They encourage you to play up to a
woman’s basic insecurity.

84
LIFESKILLS 85
 EXTE
FINIS
86
ERIOR
SHING
LIFESKILLS 87
 ITS YOUR ‘LOOK’ THAT COUNTS, NOT YOUR ‘LOOKS’
Many men feel they are not good looking enough to attract a really attractive woman.
Well, here is the good news: Looks don’t count for women. However, your look
does. What is the difference between your looks and your look? Your looks refer
to your physical attractiveness – whether or not you are a good looking, muscular,
model-type guy. Your look refers to your personal style: whether you are athletic and
sporty, goth, artsy, outdoorsy, adventurous, classy, successful, intellectual. Looks also
include negative looks, like nerds or wimps. Your look is essential because it telegraphs
something about your personality and your personal qualities.

The fact is women are going to respond to your initial approach based on their first,
unconscious interpretation of your image. What they see when you walk up to them is
usually processed into a snap judgment of you on their part.

As you are walking up to them they take in everything they can see about you and
compare it to an internal template, a pattern that they have inside of them. That
pattern is partly a result of their being a woman, and partly a result of their being an
individual person, brought up under the specific influences of their parents and siblings,
friends, school, TV and a host of other subtle social pressures. That internal mental
pattern is very important because their initial judgment of you is based on the com-
parison between you and that inner pattern in their heads. That judgment determines
what happens afterwards. Their take on you determines how they are going to treat
you.

Men’s Looks
If you feel that your looks are less than perfect and that you do not stand a chance
with a woman, you need to change your attitude.

If you feel that you cannot change your looks and are doomed because of them, you
need to change your attitude and learn what attraction is really all about: perceived
qualities. These perceived qualities are projected according to your attitude.

88
By this time, just about everyone has seen or at least knows about the ultimate cruelty the
TV producers dumped on NBC’s “The Average Joe”. A dozen ‘Joe Averages’, with
average looks, and average behavior competed for the same one beautiful woman.

As the series approached its end, a yacht pulled into the dock carrying a bevy of
Adonises: blond, handsome, well-built and well-hung studs. Both the group of Joe Aver-
age guys and the TV audience groaned. The confidence of the Joe Average guys was
deflated, and the audience was dismayed – and rightly so. Predictably she picked
one of the studs. And the TV audience knew she was wrong, but at the same time
understood her.

But that was not quite the end of the story. The bimbo and the stud disappeared. NBC
capitalized on the sympathy the TV audience showed for The Joe Average, who was
dumped for Adonis the Stud.

Joe Average got his own show: “Adam Returns”, in which he was presented with a
batch of ‘average Janes’ and similarly went on in the end to pick a babe. Then he
and the babe disappeared. Show over!

The conclusions: Both men and women make dating choices based on superficial quali-
ties. The reality of life is that no one is going to take the time to dig deep into your
persona to find out if you are a wonderful person. Both men and women make dating
choices based on what feels good, NOT what is rationally good for them.

But that is a TV portrayal of life. The only thing real about ‘reality TV’ is the real
money carried by the networks to the bank. ‘Looks do indeed count’, but not neces-
sarily to the degree TV would have you believe.

A more realistic illustration of the real principles of dating is that expressed first in
mathematician John Nash’s autobiography: The Essential John Nash, then popularized
by Editor Sylvia Nasar’s book version, A Beautiful Mind (2001). It was finally recast
by writer Akiva Goldsman into a script and Universal Studies had Ron Howard direct

LIFESKILLS 89
 the film: A Beautiful Mind (2001)

The film presented an ingenious illustration of the original contribution Professor Nash
made to the field of Economic Theory:

In the real marketplace, the unique golden guy is not considered to be worth the
trouble of many guys competing for one woman; the classic image of the blond
bombshell surrounded by tuxedoed guys vying for her attention. According to Nash’s
model for how the marketplace really works, the Joe Average guys tend to ignore the
‘unattainable’ babe, and go on to find wives among the other women. The beauti-
ful people who you find intimidating, other people do too, consequently, they’re left
alone. The one ‘foolish virgin’ who picks the Adonis goes on to discover that the
Adonis is in fact not gold but only gold-plated.

The smart marketplace recognizes the value of Joe Average.

THE ULTIMATE TEST

One way to start becoming aware of a winning look and a high impact first impres-
sion is to start noticing the men around you. That’s right. All this time you’ve been
staring at the women, you should have been checking out the guys! Whenever you
see a man, ask yourself this simple question, “Is this guy successful with women?
Does he get laid?” Then, take a good hard look at what it was about him that
made you come to that decision.

Next, take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself very honestly,
“Does this guy look like he gets laid?” or “If I were a woman, would I honestly
want to date this guy?”

What does your present look say about you? Write down the first things that come
to mind when you see yourself in the mirror. Now compare that list of adjectives with
those that come to mind when you see a guy that you just KNOW gets tons of beauti-
ful women.

90
If you see a hot woman walking with her boyfriend, check him out to see how he
dresses, how he walks, his posture, his use of body language, space, etc. If you see
a beautiful woman in a magazine, check out to see what the guys are like that she
hangs around with. Start clipping out images of men that are very successful with
women and that are admired by women and study these images. Pay particular
attention to movies with very charismatic and sexy leading men, and study their look.
Ask your women friends who the sexiest guys in Hollywood are; which men they find
sexiest and try to understand WHY by studying their look.

We have been asking this question to women (incidentally, it’s a great topic of con-
versation to get in to with women) and here are the most consistent top answers. As
you look at their photos and their ‘look’, try to understand what women see in
them.

Most importantly, as you start your personal makeover, ask yourself what it would feel
like to be these guys, and try to feel what it would be like if you were them. Allow
yourself to dress, walk, talk, and move a little more like these guys, without forgetting
that you are still yourself. This is the art of projecting.
BRAD PITT LENNY KRAVITZ
Confident, strong, masculine, adventurous Raw sexuality, don’t give a shit attitude,
and rebellious. highly individualistic, non-conformist,
over-the-top masculinity
JOHNNY DEPP
Sensuality, style, mystery, and depth.
COLIN FARRELL
Hollywood’s consummate bad boy. He
drinks, he smokes, he swears profusely.
Although women can’t actually name
any movies that he’s ever acted in, he is
at the top of the most desirable list.
 YOU WILL ATTRACT WHAT YOU PROJECT:
What about these next young fellows here?
What do you think they will attract?

94
Maybe someone like this!

LIFESKILLS 95
 Women are Nearsighted
It is commonly assumed that women see just as well as men. That is not exactly true.
Women are psychologically nearsighted, often profoundly so. That is to say, while
womens’ eyesight is just as good as mens’, women look at things differently than
we do. And luckily for us, women are much more forgiving about looks. Perhaps they
have gotten this way because they are just dismayed and discouraged at the lack of
men who have any sense of style and have just learned to accept it. Or perhaps there
are deeper reasons. Either way, it is a good thing for you because it means that the
things that women are most attracted to are clearly within your control to change.
The same cannot be said of the things men find attractive in women, which are more
difficult for women to change.

While some women definitely check out a guy’s chest or the bulge in his jeans, in
general women are not as visual as men when it comes to the matter of a man’s
face and body appearance. In this sense, they are nearsighted. They really do look
beyond a guy’s face and body – and thank God for that! If that were not the case,
there would be a lot more terminally single men.

Really, the issue has broader application. Women are more forgiving than men about
looks. Moreover, beyond the basic facts of a guy’s looks, most men really have no
idea about how to dress or how to take care of their looks. It is the sad fact that
many women have become so exasperated with men’s lack of any sense of style that
they have just given up.

If you want to check out this point in reality, just take a good look at almost any
crowd. The guys are, relatively speaking, an unattractive sight. While the women keep
up their appearance and care about how they look. It is not unusual to hear someone
ask, “What does she see in that guy?” (And the implication is that guy in question
is notably unattractive.) Any woman will tell you that, apart from the possibility that
the woman in question might have simply made a serious mistake, the woman knows
how the man behaves – and that is what attracted and attracts her to him.

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A woman’s critical judgment of a guy notwithstanding, it has to be observed that
women are a forgiving group of people, when it comes to the men that they love. It is
amazing to read what some women are willing to put up with from the guys in their
lives.

Even though your looks are not the most important thing, your appearance is still your
calling card. Just as the business calling card is not you, it still is an element in your
presentation of yourself and women will make judgments about you based on it. It is
your character, as represented by your card, which is handed around to other people.

Most of the superficial things that initially attract men and women to each other are
within your power to control or change. But first you have to become aware of what
they are, and what you are doing with them and how your look is interpreted by the
opposite sex.

Once you realize that something about you does not sell well, it is up to you to decide
whether you want to sell yourself enough to change some of your favorite ways of
looking and behaving. If you are going to sell, you have to sell what the other person
is buying. Now that you understand what women are hard-wired to be attracted to,
you KNOW what they are buying. Is this what you are selling? If not, you need to
change your look.

Some guys just do not want to pay that price. They should stop reading this book
right now.

CONCRETE DETAILS
Now, let’s get down to specifics. Pretend that you have a Snap-On tool cart for social
repair jobs like this one we are discussing. Let’s look at some of your standard tools
and their uses. To start, let’s consider a guy from the inside out, that is from the body
as it is to the general external appearance. (We’ve already worked hard on your
‘innards’ – your mental attitude. Let’s move now to your physical presence.)

LIFESKILLS 97
 HYGIENE
Are you clean? Clean is often not a guy thing. For some guys, being raunchy, sweaty
and generally unkempt is ok. Women do not find it OK at all. Clean also means
trim…. Everywhere! Trim your nose and ear hair, eyebrows, sideburns, and, wait for
it, you underarms and your pubic hair. Don’t question us on this. Just do it. Women
will thank you for it.

MOUTH
What does clean mean when it comes to the mouth? Consider, guys, that your mouth
is the source of your breath, part of the source of your smell, the source of your com-
munication, and that with which you kiss (and do other things like licking and sucking)
– to say nothing about that other favorite function: eating. It is one of the major
tools in your toolbox.

Bad breath is a turn off. What is your breath like? Actually, it

may be hard for you to tell. So ask someone to let you breathe
on them and tell you – someone who likes you enough that
they will perform this personal act for you, like your mother, for
example, or a really, really good friend. Stand close and breathe into their face.

To mention the big stuff first: bad breath sometimes has a medical cause. If that
should turn out to be the case for you, then see a doctor.

Barring any medical problems, in general bad breath reflects what you eat. Garlic,
for example, produces a very distinct breath. Consider changing your diet, or at least
eating parsley just before putting yourself in a situation where you might meet women.

There are several drugstore products to produce a better mouth odor. But you have to
try them and experiment a little before finding one that suits you.

Your teeth can be a major source of bad breath, and poor dental care will also give
you yellowed teeth. Another cause of bad teeth is smoking. If the general condition of

98
your teeth is poor, this may cause people to think of you as being a lot less than you
are. If you have crooked, yellow, cracked, badly spaced teeth, consider a visit to an
orthodontist for a consultation. It will not be cheap, but it may be worth it.

Again, in addition to the cleaning techniques the dental assistant will use on your
teeth, there are easy to use whitening strips available at the drugstore which you can
use to whiten your teeth.

But the major cause of bad breath is teeth encrusted with plaque – that soft white
stuff that lodges between you teeth near the gums. Eventually it hardens and has to
be cleaned off with a very sharp scraper by a Dental Assistant. A good maintenance
program also recommends the regular use of a mouthwash.

Lastly, a word about lips. They should be soft. If your lips have patches of dried skin
peeling from them because of sun or snow, use a good quality lip balm and rub
away any dry skin until they are better.

HANDS AND NAILS

Part of being clean is having clean hands. That means that they are washed well,
palms, backs, between the fingers. If there is ground-in dirt, make an effort to get
your hands clean using special cleansers.

Some guys have hard hands because of the work they do. Others have soft hands.
The softer the hands the more pleasant their feel. Using hand cream is advised for
guys with particularly hard hands.

Both your fingernails and toenails should be cut neatly. Chewed back nails are not
pleasant to look at and suggest a guy with problems or insecurity. Just think about
touching a woman’s silky soft skin with your hands. She has spent so much time
making her skin soft and touchable, you do not want to wear it thin with your sand-
papery hands. Just thinking about where you would like to place your hands on her
body should be enough to convince you of the importance of soft, clean hands.

LIFESKILLS 99
 Many women are particularly attracted to hands. It never ceases to amaze how often
a woman will compliment a man on his hands. In fact, this may be one of the most
common compliments women give because hands are usually the first intimate contact
we have with another human being they can say a lot about a person’s sensuality
and character.

HAIR
Guys typically see their hair as way to express their style. That is good! Some women
consider hair sexy. But no one finds hair hanging from the nostrils or sticking out from
the ears attractive. Look at yourself in the mirror under good light. If you have hair
sticking out of your nose, get a little pair of scissors or the trim blade of your electric
razor and cut it. The hair on your ears can be shaved by your barber or you can do
it yourself with an electric razor.

Hairstyle is a personal choice. But the fact is that not all styles look good on all guys.
It is recommended that you ask for the opinion of people who know you and like you
about the effect of your choice of style for beard and/or hairstyle. In the best instance,
pay for and get the more objective opinion of a professional. How you feel about
your style of hair and beard is one thing. How it makes you look to other people,
especially to women, is quite something else. Learn to consider that they might be
different.

At the very least, we recommend that you see that your moustache is trimmed around
your mouth. No one likes to try to kiss someone through a fringe of stiff hairs hang-
ing around the mouth. Also, you might note that a moustache or beard that hides
your mouth also hides your emotional expressions. And that is not in your best social
interest. For example, it might not be possible to see you smile. If you wear a beard,
do so for positive reasons, not to hide behind it or to conceal a double chin.

Wash your hair and beard regularly with a good quality shampoo and keep your
beard soft with conditioner. If you do not wash it, your natural oils will soon make

100
your hair look straggly and dirty. Moreover, after a while the oils begin to smell bad.
Any woman attempting to nuzzle into your shoulder or play with your hair will be
turned off. Do not neglect your beard or mustache because you will inevitably ac-
cumulate food particles in them. Left unattended, those food particles will decay and
produce an offensive odor. Wash and trim your beard and moustache frequently.

Again, imagine you are selling something. If you were selling your car and wanted
a good price, you would clean it up, touch it up and maybe even spring for some
repairs; improvements you might not even make if you were just going to drive it
around yourself. Usually women accept a guy’s choice of style. What they do not so
easily accept is his slovenliness. A guy who looks like a scruffy bum is a guy who
looks like a scruffy bum; it is not a style.

BODY ODOR
Regarding your whole body: be clean! Shower every day. Use a good quality deodor-
ant soap. Use some kind of slightly rough washrag that scrapes your skin a little, to
help you brush off dead skin cells – those little flakes of skin that otherwise end up
creating ‘dust bunnies’ on your floor, on the stairs and under your bed.

Wash behind your ears and up and down in the crack of your
ass. The natural lubricant of the rosebud of your ass (rectum) has
a natural musky odor to it that contributes to the general odor
that is you. Stale shit caked in your crack or creating skid marks
in your shorts are dirty, offensive and they stink!

Wash under your arms, between your toes, and, if you are not cut, pull back your
foreskin and wash your glans and frenulum (The ‘glans’ is head of your penis
and ‘the frenulum’ is its underside edge, where it joins to the shaft of your penis)
especially if the foreskin is tight. The under edge of your glans is where your body
produces smegma.

Smegma is a yellowish, cheesy, very strong smelling natural product of your body

LIFESKILLS 101
 that is part of your natural pheromone system of male sexual scent. (Yes, there is a
real‘Scent of a Man’). If you do not wash it away, not only does its accumulation
constitute a health hazard under your foreskin, it can cause your body to reek of the
male sex odor. In this
case, too much of a
good thing is a very
bad thing, it is not at-
A NOTE ON BODY ODOR tractive, it is offensive.

Body odor has a particular cultural aspect to it. Cultures that develop where
It is a good thing
water is scarce (the sand deserts of the Middle East and Africa, the snow
deserts of the Far North and South) have made, so to speak, a virtue out of that the body sweats.
a vice and developed a kind of cultural appreciation for body odor. Through sweat, various
Visitors frequently remark upon the effluvium that rises out of the heavy-
toxins are excreted
robed figure of the Bedouin. Similar comments are made about the heavily from the body. But
fur-robed Inuit and the tendency of the Middle Easterners to stand so close stale and rotting
as to be felt to be ‘in their face’ by Westerners.
sweat, sweaty stinky
But for the North American culture, clean is best and fragrant is acceptable shoes, socks, clothes
in moderation. and hockey outfits are
very, very offensive.
Sweating is good, but
too much old sweat is
not good. Most sweat
contains amounts of uric acid – the same stuff that makes your urine smell so strong.
If left on your body for too long, it starts to ferment the same way urine in a dark
alleyway smells strong.

Please note that you might not notice any of these odors because you live with them.
Mercifully, your olfactory nerves will become used to the stink and you will not notice
it. But anyone coming close to you will very much notice it. If you do not maintain
good hygeine, you will be unaware of a stench that others find repulsive.

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COLOGNES
Used right, cologne enhances your natural, healthy body odor. Used wrong, cologne
can easily be overpowering. Perfumes in general are made to interact with the
individual’s natural body chemistry. Perfumes produce a slightly different fragrance for
each body to which they are applied.

You need to experiment with different types of colognes – that is why there are
testers on the counters where men’s colognes are sold. You are supposed to try them
on. It may require a week or so of visits to the store before you can work your way
through the ones you like because you have to wait a hour or so until the cologne has
interacted with your body chemistry and your personal, enhanced fragrance can be
sensed.

This is again one of those situations where you need other people to help you. Apply a
cologne from the tester on yourself. Then ask a couple of other people who know you
what they think of the fragrance that developed on your body. Try out several different
kinds of colognes over a period of time, and ask friends to sample how you smell.
Eventually, and with a little patience, you will settle on the scent that suits you best.

Do not underestimate the effects of the right smell. Emily, who offers free cosmetic advice
to those who attend our LIFESKILLS seminars, told us this story:

She picked up a male friend at the Canadian military base in Edmonton, Saskatchewan
to give him a ride back to the base in Cold Lake, Alberta. He was a work friend and
there was no romantic relationship. He got into the car and she started to drive.

Then she became aware that she was having a difficult time keeping her mind on the
road. She realized that it was the fragrance he was giving off; unexpectedly and sud-
denly she felt herself becoming erotically aroused by him. But that was not where her
mind was at all

She asked him what kind of cologne he was wearing. He just smiled. She drove on for

LIFESKILLS 103
 a little ways, until she realized that she could not stand it anymore. She pulled the car
over to the side of the road and told him to get out of the car and come around to the
driver side; he was going to have to drive.

She said that she was feeling so overwhelmed by how he smelled to her that she was
becoming confused and could not concentrate on her driving. She was afraid that she
would have a car accident. So he had to drive.

He continued to drive, but he refused to tell her what he was wearing.

UNDERWEAR
Men have the general choice of briefs or boxers. There is a sort of mythology about
how the choice of jockey or boxers goes with a certain kind of personality. Women
like to sit in sidewalk cafes in Montreal, watch guys walking by, and speculate as to
the type of underwear they have on.

Briefs like the Jockey and Hanes brands invented in the 1930’s mostly vary as to how
high they rise towards the waist, and how well they encourage the guy’s ‘crown
jewels’, his genitals, to push forward constituting his ‘basket’. There are basic qual-
ity issues as to where the seams are placed and how well they support the genitals
without chaffing the crotch. But in general, they are a snug fit.

With indifferent use, however, the leg holes loosen and allow the crown jewels to
hang down the leg in jeopardy. Also, another down side is that they betray careless
ass-wiping by revealing ‘skid marks’ in the inside seat.

Mothers classically worry about the emergency room people seeing dirty or torn un-
derwear. It is a myth. The medical people are too busy; they never look and could
not care less if they did. The real social danger is the unexpected amorous opportunity
that results in the off-putting view of baggy, torn, dirty, smelly shorts.

Boxers are a different story. While their shape has remained much the same of the

104
years since their invention in the thirteenth century, their material and decoration be-
came a matter of style in the 1960’s.

Women notice details. Women notice a guy’s underwear. And there is more to notice.
Underwear has become a fashion statement as seen directly and as seen indirectly by
revealing shapes and seams seen under outerwear.

The point to understand about underwear is that the choice of underwear is the first
element in wearing fashion. You should have at least one good pair of briefs or box-
ers that you save for those special nights when you are going on a date.

The most important thing about your underwear is how they are going to make you
feel, not just physically, but mentally. Because they are the first things you are putting
on, they should make you feel manly and sexy. Women know this principle all too
well: Before going out on a ‘special date’, women will put on their sexiest bra and
panties. Even if the guy never gets to see them, they make her feel sexy, and that
sexiness exudes from every part of her.

SOCKS
First of all, do not wear white sports socks with office clothes. If you are wearing
white sports socks with your casual dress
outfit, you have not noticed the effect of
such details on women. Consider this story:

We had gone out for drinks with some very

attractive women with whom I work. We went
to a local pub where the clientele tended
to be like us, ‘the after-work crowd’. I
told them about the LIFESKILLS seminars, and
asked them if they had any tips to share with NO WHITE SOCKS

you.

LIFESKILLS 105
 Instantly, one of my girlfriends pointed to the table of guys behind me and said, “Look
at these guys. I guarantee you that I would never accept an invitation from any of
them!”

Try as I might, I could not figure out why she took that point of view. They looked just
like regular guys to me. My curiosity was aroused, so I revealed to my friend that I was
stumped as to what she had based her decision on; she told me the following insight:

“Catching a girl’s attention is all about attention to detail. These guys are wearing
white sports socks with office clothes. Instant turn off, because it says a lot a out the
guy.”

She went on to describe to me how she imaged these guys’ lives, apartments, jobs,
and personalities to be. All based on a pair of socks. And – the clincher in this story
-- all of the women at the table agreed!

THE REST OF YOUR WARDDROBE

Choosing your clothes is a very personal matter because they provide you a venue
to make a public statement about yourself. Your clothes will be the essence of your
‘LOOK’ and will telegraph aspects of your personality and personal qualities. This
brief manual can hardly undertake a fashion makeover for its readers. Fashion advice
is an industry in its own right. (LIFESKILLS does also offer makeover programs and
consultations with female personal stylists as part of its schedule of activities. Consult
the published calendar schedule.)

But for the purposes of this Manual, we do recommend that you ask some women
friends to help you out. (Do not ask your mother or women with an established rela-
tionship with you; ask some women who can be objective about you.) Women love to
play ‘dress up’. Remember, they used to play with dolls when they were little. Be
assured that they would love the opportunity to give you an image makeover. Be their
doll for a day!

106
Just be sure that you give the choice of helpers a little thought. Pick some women, or
even the right guy especially if he is gay and into style and fashion, whose style you
like and whose taste in men reflects what you would like to project. Ask them to help
you to find a lifestyle that fits in with your look and needs.

Your wardrobe has got to be major consideration for you. Seek advice from people
who know you, people you respect. Or go and pay for professional advice from
people who devote their lives to fashion.

SMILING AND BODY LANGUAGE

Thus far we have reviewed a number of basic elements about your body and its care.
It is at though we had taken your Rolls-Royce in for a mostly visual check-over. We
have looked at the appearance of the chassis.

The next check list concerns the basic operations of your car. It deals with such topics
as ‘Do the windshield wipers work?’ That is the sort of question that we examine
next.

These points have to do with non-verbal behavior. They are questions about basic
functioning and the social implications of those activities.

EYE CONTACT
At the top of the checklist is the question of eye contact. It has been said that the eyes
are the windows on the soul. By using only your eyes, you can show feelings, send an
invitation, discourage or encourage someone from talking to you. Direct eye contact is
very important. Too often, when you are shy or nervous, you tend to avoid direct eye
contact, or worse, look away when someone looks at you, and send an inadvertent
message.

Worse yet, the more attracted you are to someone, the more likely you are to avoid
their gaze because of the anxiety it provokes in you. Unfortunately, every time you do

LIFESKILLS 107
 this, you are sending out a clear message that you are not interested, a wimp, or it
makes people think that you are trying to hide something. You are going to have to
learn to handle this feeling of anxiety because eye contact is crucial.

Some women actually believe that there is no such thing as a shy man. They auto-
matically assume that if a man has failed to maintain eye contact, it is because they
have intimidated him and he is a wimp. No woman can be attracted to a man that
she intimidates: she has to respect and admire him.

To be effective, eye contact needs to be subtle and tasteful, not rude. Glaring or ogling
is offensive and can be interpreted as hostile and challenging. It is true that directly
looking at someone can be considered to be a challenge. But that is not usually the
case between men and women. Anyway, it is a question of the context. When men
and women are out with dating in mind, they expect to be looked at. It is partly a
matter of timing. Anything over 5 seconds becomes staring. Direct eye contact without
blinking is also kind of creepy.

Between men and women, usually the woman looks away first. For women, holding a
man’s gaze is extremely important; it sends the message that she wants you to ap-
proach her.

For men, if you are trying to show a woman that you are dominant, you need to be
able to tolerate the anxiety you feel when a woman is looking at you so that you
can return her gaze, along with a smile. Generally she should be the one who looks
away first but remember, this is not a staring context. In general, women also feel that
a man who can hold their gaze is more confident and probably more successful than
someone who looks away.

DON’T ‘OGLE HER BOOBS!’

No matter how low cut her blouse is, do not stare at her breasts! It makes you ap-

108
pear juvenile, desperate, and needy. Women want to feel that you are genuinely
attracted to them as a person, not as a sex object. If you spend you time talking to
her breasts, you are going to offend her and made her self-conscious. When she feels
self-conscious or threatened, a woman puts up her guard and you have just ruined
your chances, or made it that much harder to lower her defenses afterward.

SMILING
While there are different kinds of smiles, you generally use a smile as a greeting and
to show warmth and pleasure. When combined with eye contact, smiling is the most
powerful message you can send. If you smile, you are considered more credible, desir-
able and open than if you do not smile.

People have a lot of different smiles, but they are not usually conscious of them.
Again, ask someone to observe your smiling in the natural course of a day. Ask them
to tell you which is your best, most attractive smile.

They can also be a reality check for your own idea whether you generally present a
smile or sour face to the world.

Your smile has to be the smile of confidence, success, and happiness. As you walk
through the world, ask yourself how you would smile if you were phenomenally
wealthy, courted by beautiful women, and had a fulfilling lifestyle. That is a positive
smile.

Avoid smiles that are the nervous kind; the kind of smiles that
hide your anxiety.
They don’t work.

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
What do your facial expressions say when you first meet some-
one? Do you frown even when you are not angry? Do you wear

LIFESKILLS 109
 a blank look that says you are not interested? Do you look anxious because you are
not smiling? Or is your smile a goofy looking, nervous smile?

Try to become conscious of your facial expressions in social situations. A simple

method to boost your awareness is to glance in mirrors. Usually there are plenty of
mirrors around; you are a guy and probably just have not had a reason to notice
them before.

As difficult as it may be, it may be useful for you to videotape yourself (or have a
friend do it for you) to see more objectively what you really usually look like. It is
advised that you watch the videotape together with someone else. It helps to have
someone to talk to about your objective image. You might find it a little hard to be-
lieve.

Posture
It is your posture that sends a message about your personality from a distance. Usu-
ally women see a guy from a little way off. They have the opportunity to watch how
he carries himself.

Make sure you have a strong, open posture. Do not slouch. Shoulders back, head
held high. Be proud of who you are. You do not want to look lazy or sloppy. Your
posture is a strong clue as to your level of self-confidence and women will make judg-
ments about you based on it. They will even infer your level of success and lifestyle
based on it. How you stand and walk suggests how you feel about yourself.

NERVOUS HABITS
The nervous habits most of us have become things that we barely notice about
ourselves. But they are the rituals that mark us. We are so used to our little ways of
acting, that we hardly even know we are doing them. But it is a different case for
women looking at us for the first time. Then, everything sticks out.

You first need to recognize the little personal actions you customarily do, like picking

110
your nose, or scratching your crotch, or pulling at your nose or ears, or biting your
nails, or rubbing or bouncing your leg, or twitching your face or whatever it is you
do.

Such habitual behaviors are interpreted as signs of insecurity. They are a turn off.
Women want to be approached by a man who is in charge of himself. They figure
that if a guy cannot control himself in little things, he is not going to be able to pro-
vide them with guidance and security in big things.

SUMMARY
This brings us to the end of the prep stage. Metaphorically, we’ve walked all around
the car, tested the tire pressure, had the car washed and touched up, polished the
chrome with a soft cloth, and made sure the windows were clean and the fluid levels
were all full.

We also did some minor internal tests: the windshield wipers work, the lights work,
the turn signals work, the interior light and indicator systems are all working. You are
almost ready to roll.

LIFESKILLS 111
 INT
112
DETA
TERIOR
AILING
LIFESKILLS 113
 LOOK AT THE INTERIOR DETAILING
Now, sit in the driver’s seat and examine the interior of your life. Crawl inside the
back seat as well. Carefully examine the interior of your life. Carefully examine your
Lifestyle.

More on Creating Lasting First Impressions

First Impressions are about taking a small amount of information about someone and
creating a much larger picture. From a brief interaction, you create a rich understand-
ing of another person, their lifestyle, their qualities, even their values. Moreover, the
First Impression plus its associated judgments and patterns of accepting or rejecting
behavior is long lasting. No one ever said their was fair. It is just how it is.

In a First Impression, objectively speaking, others see only a little sample of you, a
tiny percentage of your life. Nevertheless, to them, subjectively speaking, that sample
represents 100% of what they know about you. Further, they will assume that this
sample is an accurate representation of all of you and of how you are all the time.

Objective reality has little to do with the effects of a First Impression. Subjective reality
is everything. And, for a woman, the subjective reality is not so much how she thinks,
but rather how she feels about her First Impression of you.

If you show a warm interest in people as a First Impression, they may form a First
Impression of you as an engaging and connecting person, and not notice or not care
later if you are distracted or self-absorbed. Negative initial information is weighted
even more heavily. If you initially appear distracted and self absorbed, others may
ignore your later warmth and interest for a very long time. This happens because a
First Impression creates a filter through which other people view you afterwards.

The filter works because we are able to alter not what we see (that is mechanical) but
what we notice (that is psychological). We program ourselves to notice only certain
things. Our first Impressions are one way in which we set our attitude to filter our
further perceptions.

114
People take in the initial information about you (body language, what you say, how
you respond) during their First Impression of you. Their First Impressions then forms a
mental filter. That filter than selects what you will notice in the future about whatever
you are looking at. Psychologists point out that this is a normal process; its purpose is
to protest the individual from sensory overload. That protection has a price: our per-
ceptions are filtered. The result is that we see what we expect to see, rather than what
is actually there. By application, the dating scene is already strongly prejudiced both
by personal biochemistry (alcohol, for example) and by the circumstances (the club
atmosphere, for instance). Those filters select any further perceptions about what you
are like and how they expect you to behave in the future. The result is that you are
a marked man. Your First Impression has either becomes your asset or your liability.

Studies about human perception teach us that First Impressions are essentially used
to enable us to make predictions about people and things and to create expectations
about them. It helps to make our ever-changing environment seem more stable. Stabil-
ity and dependability is a comfort to us humans. But, as a result, you can expect that
others will see you through this filter of their expectation of you based on their First
Impression of you. Further, they will seek information that is consistent with their First
Impression, and overlook or ignore information that is inconsistent with it. Unfortu-
nately, there are also filtering errors.

Personality or Situation.
Other people tend to see a new person’s behavior as indicative of their character
or personality in all situations even though the person’s behavior may be specific to
only that situation. If you meet someone who seems angry, you may think he is an
angry person in general. You may not stop to consider whether something has just
happened to make him act that way. However, we know that our own moods and
behaviors are often very much dictated by external events.

Halo/Horns Effect.
Another common perceptual error is assuming that person with one positive trait also

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 has a cluster of other positive traits that he or she may not have. Logically it is the
error of confusing ‘all’ and ‘some.’

For example, you may assume that someone who appears upbeat and beautiful is
also smart, likable, and successful, even though you have never seen evidence of those
other qualities. It is the “Move-Star syndrome”. We want certain actors to be like
their roles. We want Patrick Stewart to be Captain Jean-Luc Picard; we want Julie
Andrews to be Maria Von Trapp. We want powerful ‘kick-evil-in-the-ass” images
like the Terminator to be powerful men in reality - and electing him as Governor of
California only reinforces our filtered perception. This normal perceptual feature is
called the “halo effect” and it generally makes us assume that these people as
being able to do nothing wrong.

The opposite effect also occurs, the “horns effect”. For example, we may assume
that someone who complains a lot is also boring, unsociable and weak; he is per-
ceived as being able to do nothing right.

The Real You

There is no universally right or wrong first impression. A good First Impression reflects
the real you. Hopefully, it is the ‘you’ that you want others to see. If you are
presenting the best of yourself, the self you want to share, then you are making the
First Impression that is right for you because it is honest.

Conversely, if you do not like what you are, but your First Impression tells it like it is
anyway, you may have some serious thinking to do about your personality. You may
need someone objective to help you do this kind of reflection. Just as it is very difficult
to shave without a mirror, so it is also difficult to see yourself clearly without the help
of a therapist. It would be dangerous to try to shave with a straight razor without a
mirror; it is equally dangerous for anyone to think that he does not need anyone.

In striving to present yourself at your best, you may also want to be able to convey
the five most essential qualities that women are attracted to in your first impression.

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TIPS FOR A STRONG POSITIVE FIRST IMPRESSION
Body Language
Failing to maintain eye-contact when you talk to her allows her to infer that you are
intimidated by her. A woman cannot be attracted to a man that she feels she intimi-
dates. Attraction is about admiration, about looking up to someone. She cannot be
attracted to someone she looks down on or feels superior to.

Fidgety movements and tight shoulders or taking yourself too seriously or being too
businesslike or “sophisticated” (not laughing or being relaxed) suggests very visible
self-doubt. Your tension is seen as a way of overcompensating for your anxiety. By
contrast, when you are prepared to deal with anything that could happen, you are
clam but alert. By contrast, did you ever meet someone who does not blink when you
talk to them? The impression of intense concentration is off-putting.

Do not stand with your legs together. Standing with legs less than a half-meter apart
signifies that you are worried that you will infringe on other people’s personal space.
Your stance makes you come across as submissive.

Stand straight. And - hold your head up. One of the unconscious observations women
make is the angle made by the back of your neck. How you hold your head con-
veys a lot about your social attitude. It is not without reason that the classical sign
of subservience is bowing one’s head. One of the ancient formal physical signs of
enslavement was for the master to place his foot on the back of the neck of the slave
prostrated on the floor in front of him. Do not unintentionally convey to the woman the
idea that you want to be her slave; she will assuredly take you up on the suggestion.

You always need to convey a sense of dignity and self-respect. Turning your head too
quickly or ‘snapping’ when you are spoken to not only suggests that you are not
in control of yourself but also that you are just too eager to be in the conversation.

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 So if your head is facing the other direction, and a girl says something to you, turn it
slowly and deliberately towards her. Do not snap it around out of eagerness to hear
her. Snapping around is merely reaction; turning towards her deliberately is response.

Moving your hands around while you talk is sometimes cultural and sometime per-
sonal. Doing it right can make you a more effective communicator and help you keep
the attention of the group. However, overdoing it turns you into a performer and you
end up making a spectacle of yourself. It is an art form. If you want to get better at
using your body in space – take dance lessons in ballet, jazz, tap and even hip-hop.
It will improve your body style and improve your performance on the basketball court
or the football field.

Leaning in towards her is called ‘pecking’. It is a natural sign that suggests subservi-
ence. You convey the message that you are too eager to talk or to be listened to.
Caution: never lean in towards a woman, no matter how loud the environment is.
Always make her lean in towards you.

Facing body/feet towards her before she is ready for it suggests that you are trying to
gain rapport with her too eagerly. Sometimes facing a person head on or coming in
too directly makes a person feel invaded or violated because you are in her personal
space. People like to have a 2.5-3 foot bubble of free space around them. If you
are going to get close to her, stand shoulder-to-shoulder or side-to-side at first until she
is comfortable with you.

If the environment is so loud that you cannot hear at all, it is better to leave than
to lean in or ‘peck’. A really loud club environment is one in which your body
language is everything. Remember that the dating mode is not about reason, thinking,
or discussing. It is about acting in accord with the natural criteria of the dating period
of life. Note that this maneuver does not imply disrespect towards her or arrogance
in you; it is a move that recognizes one of the givens of human social behavior. The
move is simply in accord with the way she will process the information you convey by
your body position.

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Physically chasing a woman does not work in your favor; it puts control in her hands.
Moving after her when she walks away says you are begging or hoping she will
listen. If a woman moves away from you, move your body more away from her, so
she’ll be drawn back. Whatever you do, do not chase her.

Waiting for her if she leaves for any reason raises a red flag. Lines like “I’m going
to the washroom. Wait here” must be interpreted by you as an attempt to manipu-
late you (whether she is conscious of it or not.). She is programmed to notice whether
she is able to maneuver you into a submissive position. For her sake, as well as for
you own sake, you need to maintain the dominant position. if she goes to the wash-
room, make sure you are into something else by the time she gets back. The message
you have to constantly deliver is that you are not dependent upon her.

Clothes
Clothes as well can be over the top or too bland to be noticed. Guys who wear ge-
neric clothes clearly are seen as not trying hard enough to be distinctive; they merely
try to fit in. But guys who wear outrageous clothes are trying too hard to be noticed;
instead they become a caricature. You have to find a balance between peacocking
and being drab.

Find a style that makes you look neither bland nor conspicuous but rather distinctive.
It is tricky to get it right, but is still very doable. You have to find your look, the ap-
propriate balance in clothes through trial and error, which is determined through social
observation, observe how other guys dress and the effect it has on other people. It is
not that hard; people talk about how other people dress. Look and Listen! There are a
number of TV shows that feature cool guys wearing cool clothes. Watch and Learn!!

Talking
Using ‘placeholders’ or ‘spacers’ in your speech, such as “um” or “like,
man” or talking too fast, betrays your fear that people will stop listening to you. You
reveal your desperation, when you try to get something out that you all-too-clearly

LIFESKILLS 119
 hope will interest them before they leave or interrupt you. It is a self-defeating prac-
tice. As your nervousness increases, so will your “um”, “like”, or “man” spacers
until your effort become ridiculous and people start to laugh at you and make jokes at
your expense.

If you think that you need time to think, instead of using spacers, slow your speech
pattern down. A very easy way to do that is to decide that you are going to pro-
nounce the ends of words distinctly. Now only will people understand you better, you
will have more time to think about what you want to say. Simply pause before saying
key words in the sentence. Take a moment to quietly regard the speaker for a mo-
ment, while you collect your thoughts. They will wait because the pause allows them to
infer that you respect what they said enough to give it due consideration.

Interjecting “Like” or “You know” or “Right” or “Man” after your state-

ments is another sign of insecurity. It is a typical adolescent trait. It is taken to mean
that you are not being assertive enough in your speech. Worse, it implies that you
are desperate and dependant, You are seen as needing validation by having to hear
others agree with what you said, instead of being confident in your own opinion. It is
a real turnoff for women who want dominance, not wimpiness.

The tempo of your conversation has to be controlled as well. Answering questions too
quickly, too early, makes you sound too eager – a puppy dog, hanging on her every
word. You have to be a desirable person in a conversation, not a lapdog. Desirable
people are persons of dominance, individuals ‘comfortable in their own skin”.

18) Talking too softly or loudly suggests poor social judgment; that too makes women
uneasy. Talking too softly conveys the message that you fear that you will impose
yourself on people and their personal space (that is, you are a follower, a beta).
Dominant alpha males are not afraid to project their voice. Yet, talking obviously too
loud can also be seen as trying to domineer the situation. Obviously the circumstances
somewhat determine how loud or softly you have to talk, but you need to pay atten-
tion to the effect your speaking voice has on other people. Does she have to ask you

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to repeat what you said, or does she have to lean towards you straining to hear you?
Maybe you speak too softly. Does she lean back in the face of your loudness and to
other people near you glance your way to see why you are so loud? Pay attention to
your sound environment! If you persist in either talking too loud or talking too softly,
then she may find herself looking for a way to get rid of you whom she will feel to
be a domineering individual.

There is also a ‘too much/too little’ issue about talking in general. If you talk too
much, then she will feel ignored and end up writing you off. If you talk too little,
either she will sit in frustrated silence or she will try to carry the conversation all by
herself – and feel imposed upon. Taking is a conversation, not an exhibition! Ask her
question; listen to her answers and comments; respond to what she says.

Several subspecies of self-defeating talk are recognized:

MONOLOGUING
Talking without feedback is delivering a monologue; it is only you talking. When you
are chatting with someone, and they do not give feedback, and you are talking and
talking, you beat yourself. It is a very bad move. Moreover, it is a downward spiral.
You start talking too much; you become aware of it; you start to panic; you overcom-
pensate even more by talking more and more. The situation quickly becomes painful.

SHOT, BUT STILL STANDING

Whether through shyness, or indifference, or even cruelty, the woman has left you
treading water, you will have been rejected and have been too slow to notice it. She
may not actually turn away physically, but her eyes will glaze and she will want to
get away. Even if you do not conscious of what is happening, everyone else will notice
it. The likelihood is that you will pick up on it unconsciously. In your anxiety, you might
start to grab at anything that comes into your mind in hope that you will finally say
that one thing that will impress them; what actually happens is that you risk soon
becoming an object of amusement to everyone. It is not a good position to put your-
self into.

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 Avoid getting into this position by not talking too much unless the other person gives
you some feedback. To make her give you feedback, simply pause and look at her
with an expression of open expectation on your face. Just wait. The silence will force
her to do or say something to fill in the awkward gap.

MISMATCH
In the extreme instance of the woman not having the intelligence or good will to
handle her end of the situation gracefully; do not lose your cool, your sense of self-
confidence. Remind yourself that it is her loss, and in the security of that self-assur-
ance, smile and turn away. Do not say something cruel. It may get you a laugh, but
it will also get you a reputation. The point was made earlier, not everybody is for
everybody. Some people are just not right for you. Accept it.

Social Conversation
Laughing at your own jokes is a no-no. The joker never laughs at his own jokes. If he
tries to do that, it is taken as an effort to cover up the reality that he is pretending to
be affected by the fact that others did not laugh. The resulting social nervousness from
such an effort on your part usually triggers avoidance in others.

Speak in simple sentences. Taking too many sentences to state an idea that could be
stated in less space is self-defeating. In confirmation of this point we recently received
this reflection from a guy who has become successful:

“Remember, don’t write what you can say, don’t say what you can wink, don’t
wink what you can smile”

As perverse as it might be, the more brief your explanations, the more profound they
will be regarded. Remember this context is all a matter of appearances. In this case,
your brevity is construed as intriguing and mysterious. Women like that.

You have to show that you have some standard of politeness and just good manners

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yourself. You demean yourself if you do not withdrawing, turn your back on her, when
she does something that is offensive. If you are willing to take whatever she chooses
to dish out, you will be seen as trying too hard to pick her up. And you will lose!

Social conversation is not the same thing as a discussion. Social conversation is more
about the flow, than it is about the topic. It is about entertainment, not about informa-
tion. It is supposed to be interesting, not informing. It is supposed to be amusing,
not thought provoking. Do not confuse the two different modes of expression. Social
conversation is the verbal context for dating. It is not the context for meaning.

Social conversation can be, and often is, supplanted by the loud noise/music of clubs
because the high decibels of sound provide another, albeit mechanical context for the
real business of clubs – an opportunity to operate in the dating mode. The traditional
context of social conversation does require some verbal agility on the part of the guy.
The club context of deafening noise/music removes that demand – the communication
is reduced to the visual, to body language, to observational clues – all of which are
governed by the natural urges which get expressed in the dating mode.

There is a time for trivial, meaningless social conversation, and there is a time for real
discussion. They are not the same thing. A corollary of this point is that going back
to a prior conversational topic that was interrupted at the first chance or break in the
conversation indicates that you do not get it socially speaking. It may even suggest to
the woman that you are trying too hard to impress her by showing off what you have
to say. In a social conversation the other person does not much care what you have
to say, they want the entertainment of a flow of ideas – like television. They want to
feel that they are part of a social experience.

Ignoring your friends just to talk to her also suggests that you are trying too hard to
pick her up. You have known your friends longer than her and they should be more
important to you than someone you just met. Why do you pay more attention to her
than you do to your friends? The point can be subtle. If you appear too ready to
ignore people you are familiar with, it may suggest that you do not have your priori-

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 ties right and will eventually treat her indifferently as well. Women do not like that.

The dating mode is not about the reasonable, or the rational, or the logical – it is
about feelings. And, when feelings are the main consideration, rational (truthful, hon-
est, objective, fair, appropriate) comments become untrustworthy. When being moved
by a feeling state, there is little control over what is said – which accounts for some
of the really stupid things that guys say when they are moved emotionally They are
just not used to it! It accounts, as well, for some of the really cruel and heartless
things that women are capable of saying when they are moved emotionally. They are
quite used to it. Just ask any schoolteacher about the cruelty of third grade girls and
older. The natural social dynamics do not change much over the years.

At the social level of communication, you can also appear too eager to pay attention
to her by saying “what?”, if you cannot hear her. It can also be a ploy on her side,
whether conscious or unconscious, to see if she can get you on a hook. Prior to being
in rapport with her, showing too much interest in what she is saying is a social fault.
Remember it is the flow that counts, not the content. If she mumbles, just keep on
introducing different conversational topics rather than saying “What?”. If you say
“What?”, then you will lose her, unless she is already very attracted to you and
wants desperately to please you and keep your attention. Then she will put up with
just about anything. If you just ignore what she said and change the topic, it suggests
that you are not overly eager to have her attention and you look dominant for being
disinterested in what she is talking about. Both are winning positions for you.

For the same reason, being serious and trying to actually engage in a discussion in
this context of social chatting is self-defeating. Replying with overly thought-out of
logical answers or with overly clear or formal pronunciation all suggest that you feel
you will not be accepted unless you convince people you are smart, well-read, have
your facts straight, whatever. You have to remember that it is the entertaining flow
that counts, not the information.

Do not give her the idea that you are holding back from her. You have to convey the

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idea that you have the upper hand in the chatting. So, for example, if she should ask
“Why did you ask me that?” Your response should be to simply ignore the ques-
tion and casually respond,“I’m talking.” Then sit and stare at her for a moment.
This ploy makes the point that you will not be controlled by her. Do not answer, “Be-
cause I really need to know since I’ve been thinking about this for a while.” Such a
response engages her rational mind and is boring. Remember, in this context your task
is to maintain a flow of chatter, not providing information.

You do not want to be bold or brash; you want to appear confident. Again, there is
a difference. Another way to say this is that you have to be realistic. If you know that
you cannot pick her up, do not try to compensate with self-defeating actions so that
the snub can be on “your terms”. It really does not work. Accept the snub, realizing
that she just is not gracious enough to let you know gently that she does not see a
potential match between her and you. Saying “I’m sexy right?” or “Baby I
want some of that” or even just approaching when the logistics are totally unrealistic
is a useless and potentially humiliating behavior.

Being ‘bold’ implies that there is a disregard of the real dangers that threaten the
situation. ‘Brash’ describes a guy who is not only bold, but also impetuously indif-
ferent to the social customs. A mere social situation is not worth boldness. . A common
interpretation of a guy who is too eager is that he would not need to be so bold or
so brash or say such stupid things unless he was very insecure. If you insist on being
so, at least recognize that you risk exposing your underlying insecurities to mockery
you will be laughed at, because the woman will defend her own dismissive behavior
by joking about you with her friends.

Overcompensating for your insecurities, that is, trying to hide the fear of not being
accepted can be another major problem. It is well-known that everyone has some
degree of insecurity. Moreover, it has been observed that everyone tries to avoid
those other people who express their insecurity. There seems to be an inherent fear in
people that being exposed to another’s person’s insecurity will somehow evoke their
own insecurity. As a result, women avoid those who give off signs of insecurity like the

LIFESKILLS 125
 plague.

The classical illustration of overcompensation is the penniless bum who proclaims that
in his opinion “money is over-rated.” He says, “I would never get caught up
in the corporate world.” The combination of the person’s penniless state and his
incongruously dismissive remarks is regarded as amusing. If he had just said “I’m
choose to live as a penniless bum” and left it at that, no one would have laughed
because it would have perceived that he accepted his state of life. However, because
he instantly starts overcompensating, he comes off as someone to laugh at.

The same result occurs if one of your own particular less-than-desirable features is
remarked upon too early. For example, “Hey, I’m Steve. I’m a penniless bum and
I love it.” He might be trying to be cocky, but it comes off as overcompensating.
It is certainly easier to say than to do, but the cure for such maladaptive behavior is
self-acceptance. Accept yourself, be comfortable with yourself. If you are bald, do not
ask with self-deprecation “I’m doing a survey: Would you love a bald man?” as a
pickup line. It is not cool. It is not cocky. It is bold.

Equally counterproductive is deliberately calling attention to limitations or natural

inadequacies out of insecurity. If you think that you are bad looking, do not start your
communication with a challenging remark like “Don’t you think I’m sexy”. What-
ever she says, what she would like to say is “No, you jerk. Get away from me.” If
you let her deal with your limitations or inadequacies in her own time and in her own
way, then you are more likely to get somewhere with her. For your part, just accept
that you are how you are. Resolve to be comfortable with yourself (no matter how
hard that might seem to be) do not bring up the issue at all.

Self-deprecation or putting yourself down in front of others is a particularly bad move

because it embarrasses everyone else. It puts them on the spot. It does not work well
even in little things. Take the simple example of “I’m really tired”. Even if you really
are tired, the mere act of saying “I’m tired” focuses attention in one of your quali-
ties that no one else can do anything about. Just do not bring it up. If you have dirty

126
or inappropriate clothes on, do not say, “I have nicer clothes at home.” Just do not
bring it up. It does not work to present other people with challenges to understand or
accept you when they do not have an issue with it to begin with.

Showing that you are too conscious of her is also a bad move. Remembering too
many details about past conversations implies that the conversation meant too much to
you. To admit to detailed memories implies that the woman has unusual value to you.
Again, it is a matter of judgment. Of course, no one is suggesting that you should be
a total jerk, but the general rule of thumb is that if you would not have remembered
an unattractive girl or a average guy saying it, then don’t remember the hot chick
saying it. If some random guy said it and you would have remembered, then fine, ad-
mit to remembering it. If you were in an unusually intimate conversation with her, then
such an admission might work. But otherwise fake forgetting, even if she is a model
and you remember every word she ever said to you. Even forget her name. Treat her
as you would treat a random girl from your class or work whom you never talked to.
Speak to her as if you do not know her. Do not give into the temptation to make the
connection for her. Do not say things like “We both work for Bell Telephone.” Just
open the conversation as you would with a random woman, and give her the chance
to bring up your common association.

Offering too much about yourself too early implies that you are too eager to make
her see a connection between herself and you so she will like you. Subcategories of
this mistake:

References
If you say to a woman “I just got back from NYC (or any cool place that would im-
press her)” or “Yes, I just got my Rolex fixed”, or “Yeah, my stripper ex-girlfriend
told me...”, then she picks up on the fact that you are trying too hard to impress
her. She will not be impressed. It is the same with name-dropping. Unlike other social
games, this one is only about you. Whether she knows it or not, the woman is set up
to value you for what you are rather than what you have or who you know.

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 Teasing
The general idea is to tease the woman with some information about yourself in a
way that suggests that you have some even more interesting information that you are
not divulging. Again, it is a question of not appearing too eager. Do not give women
your resume too early. Personality conveying routines should convey personality covert-
ly. The story should be is just so cool, so intriguing that it is worth telling for its own
sake - and it just happens to have some good things about you in it. When offering
good things about yourself, do not offer boring details. Say it with less detail, and you
will seem less eager. ‘Insinuate rather than elucidate’.

Entertaining
If you have entertaining devices like the cube or photos or skills like magic or palm
reading, and you bring them out too early, it also comes off as trying too hard. You
want to bring them out after you have established the tone and level of the relation-
ship. Then they are viewed as enhancements. If you use them too early, it will appear
to be bait. As such, they deflect attention from you and the message again is insecu-
rity. You are so uncertain of yourself that you need to hide behind toys. This is not a
good move.

Wanting rapport with someone who does not deserve it is a mistake. Giving compli-
ments to someone who does not deserve it is a mistake. Such behavior fails on
two accounts. First, they know it is not true and you risk their thinking that you are
mocking them. Second, they are not interested in you; whatever you say is worthless
because they have not given you the initial status as someone who is recognized.

In Victorian times, there was a serious point to the idea of having to have someone
introduce you socially. The introduction provided a context for your identity, it allowed
you to be recognized, at least as belonging to a recognized group. North American
society may have done away with the formal introduction, but not for the need of at
least a minimal context. You need at least some degree of context within which you
can be mentally situated, before what you say become worth listening to. Otherwise,
you simply do not have the status to voice your opinion of her – or much else, for

128
that matter. Do not further humiliate yourself.

There is the counterargument for simply blurting out what you think about her, espe-
cially if your views of her are very positive. The position says that you should do these
things because you should not hide your desires. Objectively her qualities, like being
a hot girl, deserve to be recognized. She should be pleased and happy that you are
giving her a compliment. Objectively all of that is true, but while you both are in the
dating mode, you are not the person to do it.

This approach is still an attempt to hide your desires behind the disguise that you are
nice or at lest observant. But it risks suggesting that, while you may be good willed,
you have terrible judgment. Nobody, but the mentally or emotionally deranged, who
is not actually very good looking or famous (or has whatever high value you have
chosen to comment upon) is comfortable accepting inappropriate praise. You might get
away with it occasionally, but it is not likely that you can make this kind of approach
work consistently.

However, if you have avoided making too many errors and she has been forgiving
of those you did make, it is a very different matter if she moves the conversation up
to the next level. If she shows some interest in you, for example, if she asks, “What
was that you were saying before? It sounded so interesting!” Then you do go back
to the topic because she has changed the grounds of communication. She is signaling
that she is actually listening to you and has decided to explore you a little more. She
is interested in you!

You have moved through the first stage of the dating mode. Your PDI has been worth-
while. It has paid off. She has looked at your car and likes what she sees enough to
get into the car. Now all you have to do is drive!

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 FIRST IMPRESSIONS CHART
This chart reflects the ideas that have been presented in the text above. But it is just a book. You are responsible for observing
your own behavior (maybe with the help of some friends). It is you who has to observe the effects of your behavior on
women. It is you who has to have the personal courage, stamina and perseverance to critically evaluate your performance
(unless you are fortunate enough to have a coach in these matters). In order to help you, we present this chart, which shows
the necessary components of your First Impression and gives you a sense of the balance you must use in deploying them.

IF YOU DO
THIS...

MAINTAIN GAZE
MAKE
EYE
CONTACT
LOOK AWAY

SMILE
SMILE

FAIL TO SMILE

STYLISH
STYLE &
LOOK
UNIQUE

130
 THE RIGHT
AMOUNT OF THIS TOO MUCH OF THIS WILL MAKE YOU
WILL MAKE YOU SEEM
SEEM

Dominant, friendly,
Aggressive, staring, ogling, creepy,
Intense, Interested
threatening, or socially inappropriate.

Respectful
Rejecting, shy, insecure, or disinterested.

Inviting, affirming,
likeable, pleasant Submissive, insecure, goofy, or not-credible.

Neutral, thoughtful, cool Uninterested, aloof, or cold.

Healthy, confident, and Superficial, insecure, effeminate

socially at ease.

Interesting and eccentric. Inaccessible, self-involved, awkward, social

misfit

LIFESKILLS 131
 IF YOU DO
THIS...

CONVERSATION Use prepared opening lines

Be playful, talk about positive things

Give negative opinions or complaints

Talk slowly in a low voice

Ask a lot of questions

Tell stories about yourself

Lightly touch others when you interact

MOVEMENT Express yourself assertively using broad gestures

Standing tall: shoulders back, chin up

POSTURE Lean in

Lean back

MOOD Positive emotions expressed through your face and vocal tone
 THE RIGHT
TOO MUCH OF THIS
AMOUNT OF THIS
WILL MAKE YOU
WILL MAKE YOU
SEEM
SEEM

Shallow, insincere, aggressive,

Charming, witty, thoughtful
calculating

Fun, comfortable with Unintelligent, insincere, unrealis-

yourself, exciting, upbeat tic, not trustworthy

Straightforward, honest
Unlikable, unpleasant, negative

Confident, authoritative
Boring, slow-witted

Interested, attracted
Private, controlling

Open, engaging, interesting,

Self-centered, narcissistic,
sincere, self-disclosing
insecure, boring

Warm, engaging, interested

Offensive, creepy, disrespectful
of others’personal boundaries
Confident, expansive,
authoritative
Lethargic, unsure, hesitant

Confident, masculine, assertive Arrogant, aloof, cold,

condescending, stiff
Interested, warm, attentive,
assertive Submissive, overly possessive

Cold, arrogant, disinterested

Cool, in control

Enthusiastic, positive, happy go

lucky, never lets life get him Immature, goofy, unrealistic
down, resilient and fun.
THE KIT
Finally you are just about ready to go on out the town, to make the rounds of the clubs. Be sure you take
along some essential items which will allow you to meet the normal social demands that might occur during
the evening.

Condom
Make sure they do not stay in your wallet more than 3 months. If they do, you
have bigger problems in your life than what to carry in your pants! By the way,
condoms do have expiration dates. So, if you are still carrying the same condoms
in your wallet that have been there since high school, time to change them.

Mini-Pen
The best ones are the Fisher space-pens because they are stylish, and you can
write upside down, against a wall, or even on a wet surface.

Business Cards (or equivalent)

If you give someone your phone number you would find it very useful to have
some card ready-made with your name and phone number on it. If they are
business cards, you can scratch out the business data, then it does not look
like you were too prepared. The blank backs of the cards also provide you a
place to write down her name and telephone number. It is awkward to have
to search for a piece of paper.

Breath Cleanser
Bring gum or listerine strips to forestall bad breath. But use them early enough
so that she does not have to share you hygiene measures. She wants to taste
you, not the mints.

Tooth Picks
You can pick up a hundred of these at the pharmacy for a couple dollars. It’s
a good idea to check if anything is between your teeth after eating when on
a date, just do not use it when she is still sitting there in front of your and do
not chew on it like Clint Eastwood.
 Below we’ve set up a checklist of items you’ll want to make sure you take with you as well as some brief
comments on why we think having them available is a good idea.

Keys
Bring as few keys as necessary. Make sure you have copies placed where you
can get to them if the ones you carry should go missing.

Money
Don’t bring a wallet. Wallets can be lost. Wallets are vulnerable. Moreover,
wallets provide more data in unfriendly hands than is necessary. Bring a
bank or debit card and as much cash as you’ve budgeted for the night.
Don’t forget to bring an extra 20$ in another pocket for emergency cab
fare, just in case.

OPTIONAL

Cell Phone
Take it in case she needs to call you. But also so that you can be reached
in case of an emergency. Avoid using it. Cell phones are not part of the
dating mode.

Digital Camera
A very small one. It can be useful for taking pictures of new friends that you
meet. Women generally flock to have their picture taken. It can be a way to
meet people all by itself.
REDLINE: Be careful not to appear over prepared. Some guys have a whole back-
pack full of goodies when they go out including notepads, bar games, and other toys.
Unfortunately, it often comes across as overly contrived and is a turn off. Some people
think that you should not offer a woman your business card: First of all, you are not
interested in a business relationship. In the second place, you want the exchange of
phone numbers to appear to be spontaneous and meaningful.

Leave your office keys and your wallet locked up in the glove compartment of your
car or at home because there is no way to conceal them inconspicuously. They will
simply bulge out of your pants, and you really do not need her asking: “Are you just
happy to see me?” Putting your wallet in your front pockets makes you look nerdy.
Put in your back pocket, and it ends up making a crease in your pants. The same
rule applies for keys. If you clip the keys on your pants, then you look like a janitor.
Carry only one or two essential cards and your bare minimum car and house keys.
Take one credit or bankcard, a few business cards (but not to give to women, unless
you scratch out the business part), a driver’s license or other form of ID. Anything
else takes up too much room in your pockets and makes you look unstylish. Other
things like vehicle registration, Health Insurance Card, office keys, should stay locked in
your car or at home.

SUMMARY
This brings us to the end of the prep stage. You have, metaphorically, walked all
around the car, tested the tire pressure, had the car washed and touched up, polished
the chrome with a soft cloth, made sure the windows were clean and the fluid levels
were all full.

Then you did some minor internal tests: the windshield wipers work, the lights work,
the turn signals work, the interior light and indicator systems are all working. You are
ready to roll.

Final Check
Now that you have completed your personal inventory, here is a final checklist to
 resume all of the important aspects:

•What is under the hood

•You are in the dating mode
•You are clear about the choice of Attitude
•You are clear about goals
•You are as ready as you can make yourself
•Exterior Finish
•Interior Detailing
•You’ve glanced in the Trunk

NOW, YOU ARE GOOD TO GO.

Throw your overnight kit into the back seat. Be sure that you run through the practical
checklist:

Do not forget to pick up Volume II: Transmissions, the second book of your Dating
Manual that takes you from Meeting her to Dating Her. And check us out online at
http://www.lifeskillsnetwork.ca

Gentlemen, start your

engines!
 TH
TRU
HE
UNK
 DEALERSHIPS AND MODALITIES

Dealerships represent the context of a dynamic enterprise within which a particular

kind of car is promoted. The choice of dealership has a much to do with the experi-
ence of owing a particular kind of car. The ambiance of the showroom, the character
of the service department, the marketing philosophy of the management – all these
things form the character of the dealership and its style. Sometimes this character is
called the ‘company philosophy’. The various clusters of qualities that characterize
GM and Ferrari differ from each other. The BMW dealership is different from the Ford
dealership. Such qualities are intangible, based upon subtle beliefs and attitudes. But
those differences are pervasive, influencing the manufacturing process, the marketing,
the cars themselves, the service, the management, and the workers, as well as the
clients and everyone related to them.

In much the same fashion a person’s personal basic philosophy of life in respect to
self-identity, eroticism, and sexuality, influences the way they think and everything
they do. Having a personal philosophy is not an option; everyone has a personal
philosophy. The only option is whether or not you are willing to become aware of and
examine your own philosophy of life.

THE DATING MODE

The one most important technical preliminary point that you have to understand is that
the human beings operate in modes. When you are focused on dating or on erotic
pleasure or on sex, it means that your mind has switched to the ‘dating mode’.
When you find that you are aware of and sensitive to erotic, sexual or their social
context, dating, you are operating in a specific mode. There is no generally accepted
term for this modal aspect of human behavior; it will be called the ‘dating mode’
in this book.

Specifically different kinds of behavior are associated with modes. When you are in
a given mode, your attention and perception is filtered and focused. You notice things
that you otherwise would not notice. You do things in a way that you do not do them
when you are not in the particular mode. It is a temporary but highly distinctive state
of mind.

140
A mode is a natural and normal but temporary quality of our general behavior. We
get into modes and get out of them as the circumstances of our life dictates. Our
whole body and are entire mind is affected by being in a mode. A mode is a ten-
dency to conform to a general pattern of behavior and thus to belong to a particular
group or category.

It is very important to recognize that modes are fairly distinct from one another. To be
extreme, the mode in which you operate when you go to church is quite different from
the mode you operate in when you go to a club. The modes you operate in at work,
when dealing with your guy friends, or when you are doing business, and importantly
– when you are dealing with a woman - are all different from one another also.

Modes are contraries, that is, while they all share the core of your personality, your
store of knowledge, and your basic skills. But they all differ from one another in the
general pattern of interior habits of mental, emotional and physical functioning, that is,
in how you, as a whole person, operate. You need to recognize that you have various
modes of operation. And for the purpose of this series of books, you have to focus on
the task of upgrading your dating mode. You do that be becoming aware of its major
elements and then correcting your behavior until you achieve the desired result – suc-
cess at dating. It is a learning process.

There are many modes, even if they are not popularly called by that name. For ex-
ample, Henry Kissinger spoke of a political mode: Talking about the ceremonial form,
protocols, or conditions that surround formal agreements or negotiations, he said,
“ {He} grew so enthusiastic about our prospects that he began to speculate on the
modalities of signing.” There are life-style modes. Religious Monks and Nuns live in
a highly stylized mode: religious life. People who work as store clerks have a ‘sell-
ing mode’ of mind they get into during work and then drop it when they leave the
store. People who deal with groups of the public – teachers, traffic cops, managers,
all work in a ’business mode’ or ‘public mode’ and then switch to their ‘per-
sonal mode’ or ‘private mode’ after work. The temporarily assumed ‘work
mode’ often differs considerably from the everyday ‘living mode’ of their normal
mode of personality.

If you want to be successful at dating, than you have to realize that you have to be
willing to work at developing a successful ‘dating mode’ into which you easily

LIFESKILLS 141
 switch yourself when you are moving towards a date or an experience of erotic or
sexual pleasure. You also have to realize that switching to a dating mode is an abso-
lutely normal and natural personal action, as is the normal use of other modes. And
you need to understand that everyone develops modes in order to live life successfully.
Modes enable us to cope routinely with various sectors of life.

Women tend to call a mode a ‘mood’, but mood refers only to the emotional aspect
of a mode. Women tend to focus on the emotions more than men do. However, in
developing a successful mode of dating the mood, the emotional component, is only
one aspect. Developing a successful dating mode behavior requires more attention to
how you look, how your behave, and how you think, as well as how you feel.

The final point is that being in a mode includes a focused mind set. That is, when you
are ‘in a mode’ you are also ‘in a mood’. Your emotions are involved. And
emotions cloud the thinking logical mind, often completely overwhelming it.

This book is supposed to be read when you are not in the dating mode. It is to
be read when you are in your normal state, not in a modal state. Once you have
allowed yourself to switch to a mode, you are no longer fully responsible for your
behavior. The emotions associated with the mode more or less take over your mind.
The results are that in the dating mode (or erotic or sexual or any other mode) you
may well say things or do things that you would never do outside the mode. The state
of mind you are in can diminish both the responsibility and the effectiveness of your
behavior.

Do not underestimate the power of a mode to slant, obscure, and otherwise alter
your ability to think, judge and evaluate clearly. For Star Trek fans: just think about
the Vulcans. They deliberately chose a logical mode as the primary mode of their
lives because of the damage inflicted upon their culture when they allowed emotional
modes to be the dominant mode of their cultural life. Living by a war mode, like the
Klingons, nearly destroyed them. Also, think about the way Pom Far absolutely takes
them over when their disciplined biology finally breaks through their logical control
every seven years. They become helpless in its grip. Star Trek may be science fiction,
but the role the modes pay in life, which author Roddenberry illustrated through the
Star Trek story line, is no fantasy. It is as real as it gets. Moreover, the penalty for
ignoring the importance of cultivating skill in various modes is failure.

142
THE ATTITUDES
The general public goes for either a vehicle that feels like a car or one that feels like
a truck. It is a matter of what appeals
to the individual for any set of possible
reasons. When it comes down to the
choice, the buyer has to choose between
one or the other.

Speaking generally, that is, in terms of

principles, there are two very different,
even contradictory attitudes that charac-
terize the way people think about and
feel towards eroticism and sexuality, as
well as a lot of related notions such as
love, friendship, marriage, children, the
affectionate life and dating.

The first, the majority view, in principle tends to look outward towards other people
and tends to focus on the bigger picture and responsibility. The second, the very vo-
cal minority perspective, focuses inward on the individual and personal pleasure. This
series of books attempts to offer support to the human experience of a man seeking a
woman while taking both perspectives into account.

Religious Influence:
These two perspectives are profoundly influenced by religion. Religion usually seems
to have a lot to say about sexual and erotic behavior – even when the biographies
of their founder, for example, Jesus Christ, seems to have almost nothing to say about
it. It would be very unrealistic to ignore the historical, social and personal impact of
religion. While it may be difficult to clearly separate religious attitudes from secular
ones, this chart, which has been presented by the Internet research site www.adher-
ents.com, may help understand the importance of religion in these matters. It provides
a social, logical and statistical approximate estimate of the number of adherents and
thus suggests the degree of impact of religious influence.

LIFESKILLS 143
 It can be easily seen that the great tree of the Christian perspective (including its Jew-
ish roots and its multiplicity of Protestant leaves) is the majority social view (85% of
the US population). And, among Christians, Roman Catholics are the largest and most
influential body of people with a religious believe system. Islam (22%) and Hinduism
(15%) between them account for 37% of adherents. However, these two perspectives
are polar opposites, and thus compromise the impact of their views. The other views
are relatively marginal, for example, according to current statistics Jewish adherents
only account for .02% of adherents. In attempting to offer support to the human ex-
perience of a man seeking a woman, this series tries to acknowledge a number of the
religious viewpoints. Thus, it pragmatically makes an effort to pay special attention to
the Christian perspective.

Social Ambivalence
On one hand, there is no doubt that the influence of the Christian Church on these
issues has been a dominant social factor for the last 2000 years. Consequently, it is
neither practical nor realistic to ignore that fact because the attitudes of our society
regarding sensuality, erotic pleasure and sexuality reflect those teachings of the Church
(as well as the various positive and negative social reactions to them.)

On the other hand, there is also no doubt that our society has more or less accepted
the Christian attitudes and concretized them in its codes of cultural and legal and
moral rules. Nevertheless, many still claim (some of them quite forcefully) that the
majority of the members of our society are not personally persuaded that the Christian
attitude towards these topics is good enough to meet the wide range of problems
arising in these area.

Therefore, society remains ambivalent. It seems fair to point out that while society is
not prepared to say formally that the Church is wrong in these matters, nevertheless
there is a widespread conviction that the Church’s viewpoint and its guidance in these
matters is viewed as inadequate. The most common expression of dissatisfaction is
simple-minded rejection of clergy, church, and community.

The social critics point to various well-publicized cases that exemplify the difference
between theory and practice. Critics claim that the assumptions of our laws and poli-
cies are based on a prejudiced interpretation of inaccurate information. They point

144
out that even those who make a good willed effort to follow the Church’s teachings
and follow the social rules still end up experiencing hardship and suffering. The critics
criticize the intransigence of the Church and condemn its own indifference to the inad-
equacy of its understanding of human sexuality and the bad rules and laws that have
followed from Church teaching.

Recently public social attitude has hardened and twisted in such a way as to force
senior church administrators, Bishops and Archbishops – maybe fore the first time
ever - to resign from their posts because of their inadequacy in dealing with sexual
issues. Such a change in political correctness regarding sex is an indication of a pro-
found shift in the way people feel about sex – but not necessarily, how they think
about it. So the eventually outcome of this change is not likely to be much better than
the present situation.

In particular, society remains ambivalent on the subject of social versus private erotic
and sexual behavior. Those who do not walk away from the issue, but instead seri-
ously consider this question generally agree with the broad opinion that the Christian
attitude has merit and should not be simply dismissed; but still, it does not seem to
be comprehensive enough to adequately handle enough of life’s sexual problems.
The Christian perspective simply leaves too many people in pain and suffering. Un-
like many clerics, most people no longer think that a policy based upon a history of
preferred ignorance and a practice of forcing people into extremely narrow and rigid
behavior is a proper way to guide people in the exercise of a natural function.

During the summer of 2004, In Quebec, Canada there was a case that illustrated this
problem graphically. On the same day, the judges of the Quebec Court of Appeal
produced two clashing opinions in two separate but strikingly similar Montreal cases.

There were two cases, each involving private sexual behavior in public places. The
judges described both as an “orgy”. Each occurred on the premises of an establish-
ment with a liquor license, thus placing the events within the jurisdiction of the state.
Both location stood accused of being ‘bawdy houses”, which the Criminal Code
defines as places used for “acts of indecency”.

However, the term ‘indecency’ is a problem. For judges “indecency” is what ex-
ceeds Canadian society’s level of tolerance (not the same things as approval) – but

LIFESKILLS 145
 – and here is the same problem of ambiguity and ambivalence as has plagued
the church - there is no generally accepted gauge of what that level is. Therefore, it
finally comes down to what the individual man, sitting as a judge, thinks it is.

Case one, involve club L’Orage. Although dubbed a “swinger’s club”, that is a
place where couple might swap sexual partners with other couples, it was not such a
place. Individuals who arrived at L’Orgage and paid both the $200 membership fee
and the $30-per-visit entrance fee were admitted.

In a typical encounter, cited in the judgment, five people one woman and four men
were on a mattress “practicing cunnilingus, fellatio, masturbation, and vaginal pen-
etration” Clustered about them were seven men, most of them masturbating.

Case two involved a bar called Coeur a Corps. The doorman admitted only couples
and only after they answered “yes” to the question “Are you a liberated cou-
ple?” After paying $5-per-person entrance fee, a couple could dance while scoping
its peers. Every half hour the dancing would stop for about 10 minutes while people
sat on the dance floor, in small groups. Most women would remove their tops, and
fellatio, masturbation and, occasionally, penetration would ensue.

The Appeal court upheld the lower court’s guilty verdict against L’Orage but rejected
a similar ruling against Coeur a Corps.

Why? How can that be?

It is significant, for our point that a three-judge panel presided over each appeal and
that two of the judges sat on both panels – one judge voted “guilty” both times,
the other voted “acquitted’ in both cases. Each time it was the third judge who
broke the deadlock, between the two other judges. In both cases, one judge – Andre
Rochon – voted against the clubs while another judge – Michel Proulx – voted to
acquit.

Setting aside all the legal trappings and social position of these three Quebec men
who sat as judges, at bottom, they judged this case on the basis of their personal
culture, upbringing, education, religious perspective, social awareness and conscience.
Dressing up their judgment with the title ‘legal opinions’ or ‘court judgments’

146
does not really change anything. Two of them had fixed views, one was for ‘guilty’,
and one was for ‘acquittal’. They were true to their prejudiced perspective right
though both cases, consistent mean, each of them. In a sense, what was said in the
arguments appeared not much matter to these two men.

The accident was that Judge Roche was ‘guilt’ minded in these matters and thus
upheld L’Orage’s lower court guilty judgment. But, Judge Proulx was acquittal minded
in these matters and voted to set aside the lower court’s verdict and acquit the Coeur
a Corps.

(Henry Aubin, the regional affairs columnist for The Gazette newspaper in Montreal
wrote up his opinion of the situation (The Gazette, Montreal Thursday, August 19, 2004
p A27)

There is nothing in Henry Aubin’s report to suggest that Judges Roche and Proulx did
anything differently than their prejudiced peers. Thus, the difference in outcomes was
not so much a matter of any objective and reasoned argument as it was of the char-
acter and personal views of Judge Proulx and Judge Rachon. Henry Aubin concludes,
not unreasonably, “sheer chance in the assignment of judges” made the difference.

However, thanks to the church, it is not an even playing field. The culture and its con-
crete cultural expressions, such as the law, have been traditionally biased in favor of
‘guilty’. However, for a series of historical reasons, today the cultural basis is shift-
ing. The fact of Quebec Appeal Court not upholding a lower court judgment against
Coeur a Corps is a strong indication of that change.

However, again, thanks to the ingrained tradition characterized by the Church’s

chosen policy of ‘Ignorance is bliss”, the change is merely based on another fickle
changes of political correctness rather than any actual examination of the objective
problem. As far as the general public is concerned, we are hardly any closer to a
solution to the complex social problem of human sexuality.

What this example illustrates is the point that society is ambivalent about how to deal
with the private sexuality and public behavior.

LIFESKILLS 147
 You First: Relationship first, sex later.
The majority human social position says that a man should try to meet a woman,
establish a firm relationship with her, go through the normal process of courting, pro-
posal and engagement, and then experience marriage and honeymoon, enjoying life
first as a young couple, then as parents with children and finally as a mature couple.

GENERAL PERSPECTIVE
This general perspective, historically fostered by the Catholic Church, although some-
times locally modified by culture or individual circumstances, encourages single people
to abstain from all forms of erotic and sexual experience. That means no masturbation,
no petting and no sexual activity: no erotic exploration (fornication) or extramarital
intercourse (adultery), as well as no homosexuality of any kind.

Of course this policy insured profound ignorance and the resulting ineptitude in erotic
and sexual knowledge and skill in those approaching marriage. (Except what they
might learn by furtive efforts made under the cloud of ‘sin’ and guilt.) It is doubtful
that any other human skill is treated this way as a matter of policy. Those conse-
quences of imposed ignorance and their associated human suffering never seemed to
bother any of the Church authorities.

To the married, the Church grudgingly recommends, somewhat uniquely in the general
context of human behavior, absolute abandonment to whatever nature might bring
about, indifferent to the aberrations of nature and the associated social consequences.
Therefore, at one end of the spectrum of control, the Church disallows contraception,
and at the other end of the spectrum, the Church is firmly opposed to any form of
abortion, and in the middle of the spectrum, the Church has made it impossible for
any culturally approved practice of practical instruction in erotic/sexual behavior to
develop. One wonders about the impact of such imposed ignorance on the high rate
of dissatisfaction and divorce.

The Church recommends that sexual activity be restricted exclusively to marriage, and
holds that the couple should be open to pregnancy in every act of intercourse, no mat-
ter what associated consequences of unexpected, unwanted, or inappropriate birth or
multiple births or the lack of births might bring to the lives of the couple. Many inside
as well as outside the Church question the wisdom of this attitude in contemporary
society with its current economic and political policies.

148
PERSUASIVE INFLUENCE
Objectively speaking, this is the perspective that lies at the root of the cultural values
and laws of Europe and the Americas. Even if there is no explicit recognition of this
influential perspective, it still exercises a powerful force on North American social
awareness. That awareness is normally expressed through uncritical and unthinking
assumptions, prejudices, sentiments, laws, expectations, and social practices of Western
culture. The Church has actively and aggressively discouraged both criticism and re-
search into these issues of eroticism and sexuality.

The perspective is based on the Vatican approved interpretation of the Gospels (the
four biographies of Jesus Christ) and the organizational viewpoints of various apostles,
such as St. Paul (various letters attributed to apostles). The early Apostolic period of
the Church was certainly a very special time in history. However, this general line
of thought has been firmly upheld and preached, with some variation of views from
time to time, by Christian clergy for nearly two thousand years. The principles of this
position have been rigidly maintained by the hierarchy and strongly supported by the
disciplinary actions of the Vatican against dissenting views.

EFFORTS AND FAILURES AT ADAPTATION

The Vatican has made some efforts in recent decades to upgrade the role of marriage
and family in the Church. However, such deeply ingrained social notions change very,
very slowly. The general tradition of the last two thousand years, perhaps influenced
by the rigid attitudes of the ancient Jewish Qumran Community, has never strongly
supported marriage, choosing instead to regard it as a second best state after the
more highly valued social state of virginity or celibacy. In addition, Christianity has
always placed a very high value on penance and suffering. Against that background,
sexual activity has been regarded as the unfortunately necessary condition for pro-cre-
ation. Moreover, erotic pleasure has generally been disapproved of across the board.

Marriage was the last of the Church’s sacraments to be liturgically recognized and
then, if one can believe liturgical historians, not for the best of reasons. The Church
certainly has not supported either research towards the understanding or the manage-
ment of human eroticism or sexuality, preferring always the no-sex, no erotic pleasure
option of virginity or celibacy. Indeed the Church’s attitude towards sex has been the
source of much distress to people both inside and outside the Church.

LIFESKILLS 149
 THEORY AND PRACTICE
Sadly, it is commonplace for the mainline Catholic laity to simply ignore the Church’s
position on these matters. (The Jesuits would call this a matter of ‘mental reserva-
tion!). Nevertheless, there has been much bitter expression of disappointment at the
lack of positive leadership from the Church in these matters.

Unfortunately, for the current popular acceptance of this perspective, in the very recent
past, the media has energetically publicized the fact that a number of the clergy and
religious have been unable to practice what they preach. However, in fairness, the
media has failed to take account of the influence of the changed circumstances of
North American culture. Nevertheless, as a result of its organization-wide policy of
deliberate ignorance regarding human sexuality (Don’t ask, don’t tell; or we will just
move you somewhere.) the Church itself has been entirely unprepared, both theoreti-
cally and practically, to handle the issues of erotic and sexual misconduct on the part
of its clergy and religious.

The Church has traditionally followed an ‘Ignorance is bliss’ and ‘Need to

know’ policy regarding knowledge about human sexuality. It appears to many
critics that the Church has ended up being a victim of its own policy of silence and
ignorance on matters of human sexuality and eroticism – not that anyone could have
foreseen those long term consequences that plague the Church today. The hierarchy
has been publicly exposed as incompetent in the management of these problems. In-
dividual bishops have been forced from their Sees, they too the victims of the general
Church policy of ignorance and silence.

GOALS
Because this perspective is so influenced by a very high value being placed on virgin-
ity, celibacy, and sexual abstinence, as well as penance, self-discipline, and sublimation
of physical desires into spiritual productivity, the Church has always championed secu-
lar and religious lifestyles that are free of sexual or erotic experience. The long-term
goals of these policies are too complex to do anything but mention them here. They
include the evolution of the traditional response to the New Testament presentation on
suffering, the choice of a disciplined and structured authoritarian life style; the orienta-
tion of life towards service to others, and a general reverence for existing life. The
ideal is that the natural sexual/erotic energy should be channeled into a lifestyle of

150
service to others as the expression of faith.

In spite of some rhetoric, which critics do not regard as an expression of the church’s
true mind, the result is that marriage – which normally involves sexual behavior
– is regarded as a second-class calling, inferior to that of the dedicated virginal or
celibate life. In spite of some effort in recent history, there remains a felt sense that
marriage is regarded as unfortunate necessity.

As difficult as this position may seem to some, it is a position that has steadfastly
placed the value of human life above any personal pleasure. Today that position
stands in stark contrast to the official attitudes of military and bureaucratic indifference
to human life and the various programs of genocide, abortion, euthanasia and more
subtle ways of abusing or ending human life for personal gain that governments,
commerce and individuals in one position of power or another practice with impunity.
In the big picture, that balanced concern cannot be ignored.

Additionally, it is justly claimed that the sublimated energy this life of sexual abstinence
has produced an enormous cultural and humanitarian outpouring of creativity in many
fields of human life.

APPLICATION
Objectively speaking, this is the majority perspective. This is the attitude that society
sanctions and respects – at least as a matter of lip service. This is the plan most
Western people understand life should follow. This is the pathway more or less accept-
ed by the single largest group of religious adherents in the world. It would be difficult
to overestimate the importance and significance of this attitude on Western erotic and
sexual practices.

However, subjectively speaking, this may or may not be your perspective on how life
should go in general or on how your erotic and sexual life should proceed. It is very
important for you to be aware of what you personally are seeking in life. If your
goals differ from those of the majority, then you need figure out how you are going
to cope with the consequences of being different. There are social consequences to
following an individual pathway that does not conform to the general norm. At least,
you need to be aware that there are long-term consequences.

LIFESKILLS 151
 LifeSkills’s approach recognizes that in the normal pattern of natural growth and
development of the individual male, the desire and need for erotic experience comes
before the desire and need for sexual experience and long before the desire and need
for committed relationship. It recognizes that the issues associated with these phases of
development need serious attention and rather than casual dismissal.

LifeSkills also tries to approach the discussion of sexuality and human relationships
with sensitivity for the actual philosophical, religious, political, legal, moral, social, and
physical conditions under which people have to conduct their lives. It is not that the
writers contributing to LifeSkills think they have all the answers. It only means that they
are wiling to consider, openly and fairly, the complex qualities of the human condition
in respect to the humanly difficult task of relationships.

On the whole, LifeSkills agrees with the perception that a man is likely to have a
longer and more satisfying sexual life, if he first works at establishing a solid relation-
ship that includes healthy respect for the woman and the development of real habits
of affection and eroticism that characterize high-quality bonding between a man and
woman.

Me First: The Seduction Experts

There are some guys that just seem to have a natural flair for attracting and seducing
women: the ‘philanderers’. (In an odd twist to our vocabulary, this classical term
for ‘a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them’
actually means ‘a guy who likes men!’.) However, even at that, it is not a compli-
mentary term. Today we sometimes say, a ‘womanizer’, but it sounds just as bad.
The contemporary tag is ‘a pick-up artist’.

From its Latin root, the label of ‘seducer’ comes from two Latin words: ducere,
that means to lead someone, and the prefix ‘sub-‘ that literally means ‘under’,
but has the connotation of ‘down to evil’ or ‘astray’ from the proper path. In
general society, it is a bad thing to be called a ‘seducer’. The seducer is repeatedly
condemned in literature and moral discussion. The seducer is seen as a criminal to
be punished severely, often by death. So strongly is this negative attitude towards the
seducer that the outraged member of society who kills a seducer is often given social,
if not legal, approval for his action. So being a seducer is not a trivial matter.

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THE MASTERS
The “seduction experts” reportedly have a high level of personal skill in actually
seducing women. And like other skills, it is more easily demonstrated than explained.
What they typically do is invite you to watch and follow their example. Some will
actually call out their plays to their audiences of paying apprentices as they personally
demonstrate their techniques. Their skill at inducing women into the dating mode is so
well honed that the women they hit on do not seem either to notice or to mind having
the seduction expert call out his plays to the audience. This phenomenon suggests that
one of the effects of the woman’s reaction to seduction is to shift into a ‘dating
mode’. In that mode, her attention is captured and focused on the guy. Her mind is
put on pause. She stops thinking critically about what is happening to her.

As with any skill instruction, the apprentice system is based on the principle that if you
see it being done, then you can begin to imitate the process and gradually get better
at doing it by being coached and correcting your mistakes. You learn by watching,
doing, correcting, and doing again that is, by practicing! Coaching is very important
in such instruction. Therefore, the seduction masters offer you a kind of apprenticeship
training system. You pay your fee, sit at your table with your beer and watch the
experts in action, then try your hand at the social gambit with your coach, the seduc-
tion expert, watching and correcting.

SKILL ACQUISITION
While skilled example is usually necessary in any kind of training, unfortunately, not
everyone learns well just by watching. That is why audiences tend to be larger than
the troupe of performing artists; more people watch than play. The audience does not
usually try to get in the racing car or jump onto the playing field. Most guys recognize
that trained experts are trained experts. They understand the posted warning “Don’t
try this at home!” after watching some risky expert moves. The warning is usually
given for scenes involving cars executing tricky maneuvers; it is not usually posted for
tricky scenes involving women. Nevertheless, some things you have to have enough
common sense to figure out for yourself.

The reason jock straps come in different sizes is that guys are built differently. At
minimum, there are differences between small, medium and large. A move that suits
one guy and his personality does not necessarily fit every other guy. Like condoms, if

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 it does not really fit, there is more likely to be a problem: too big and it is more likely
to break; too small and it is more likely to break; it has to fit just right for maximum
safety and effectiveness.

MISTAKES
The more general principle that governs all training is: ‘doing things right means
not erring by either too much or by too little’. The rub is that we human beings tend
to learn exactly by doing things a little too much and a little too little. The difference
between the winners and the losers is that some of us learn from our mistakes and
correct our performance, and some of us never learn – we just keep on doing the
same wrong thing repeatedly.

LifeSkills’s philosophy is twofold: Learn the principles and practice, that is, apply the
principles, take notice of your mistakes (too much or too little), learn from your miscal-
culations, correct your next try and hopefully make the effort to do better next time.
Training is enormously enhanced by learning. Learn the rules. Learn the principles.
Then apply them to yourself – maybe with a little coaching or direct help from one
of the coaching programs such as LifeSkills’s.

Our caution on this point is that practicing seduction requires a particular internal
attitude in the guy. The guy has to really want to acquire the skill of ‘seduction’.
The objective fact is that the seduction perspective is a minority position, impeded by
legal, social, health and moral prohibitions. The broader, and less problematic goal, is
to learn how to develop relationships in general.

Those who proudly belong to the Seduction community look at things differently. They
often regard seduction as a humanitarian and positive calling, one that can lead to a
more honest personal growth leading to greater human understanding, and a greater
capacity to be in sympathy with people; they consider that these skills are ”incompat-
ible with a state of purity”. The general premises of their defense might include some
of these concepts;
• Sex is good.
• Man has a natural right to enjoy erotic and sexual pleasure.
•Sexual activity is a natural and beneficial aspect of individual human behavior in
general.

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• Sexual experience aids in the development and formation of personality.
• The failure to engage in sexual activity is detrimental to human life.
COROLLARY
• It is natural for men to be polygamous.
• One man should engage in healthy sex as often as possible with as many differ-
ent women as possible.
• Having sex is a natural and necessary step in the formation of a normal mature
personality.
• The ideal seducer enables as many women as possible to mature beyond a virgin-
ity or celibacy imposed by the circumstances of life.

OBJECTIVITY IN SEDUCTION
As harsh as unwelcome as it may be, any good con artist, a seducer has to be able
to evoke the ‘seduction mode’ in himself and seek an echoing mood in women.
The ‘seduction mode’ is obviously a somewhat different mode that the ‘dating
mode’. The successful seducer has to be objective. Like any artist, he has to view
women as objects on which to practice his art. Women need to seen as things to be
used and then sent on their way, when he has finished with them. As a painter is
done with his painting when he has finished with it, so a seducer is done with his
woman when he has experienced the fullness of his conquest. It is an art form.

Some men, those who argue in support of seduction, suggest that the seductive mode
is a temporary position. It is considered the mode men need to employ while they are
search for their potential partner within a social context, especially an urban social
context. To fail to test a potential partner’s attitude towards affection, eroticism and
sexuality and to learn, by concrete experience, what her actual behavior in these
areas might be is essential to laying down a solid basis for a serious and stable
relationship. They also express the opinion that the failure to make such an assessment
of sexual compatibility in current social life may play a very large part in the high
rate of marital failure. In support of this view, ‘sexual incompatibility’ is one of the
major reasons given for divorce.

Because a seducer is, at least theoretically, engaged in a selection process, he cannot

afford to become emotionally involved with the women with whom he engages him-
self. He needs passion for his art form, but not for his canvas, the woman. He dare
not allow love to enter the process of selection. Neither can he afford to allow himself

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 the pleasure of an infatuation. If he did give in to love or infatuation, then he would
lose his objectivity. To ‘fall-in-love’ would seriously impair his performance and his
ability to fairly assess his partner. The seducer is interested in his personal pleasure,
the pleasure of sex and of a certain degree of general female service. A major factor
among the seducer’s criteria is his ability and willingness to give him pleasure and
provide him with other aspects of female support.

Whatever his age or condition, the guy has to be able to defend himself interiorly
against the emotional (and sometimes physical or legal) fall-out when he gets tired of
the woman and dumps her. He also has to have a fairly large supply of women to
maintain his lifestyle. There is no room in the guy with the successful seduction attitude
for any sensitivity to the woman as a person or even as a human being. He has to be
prepared to consider all women as prey. Such is the ‘macho’ attitude and, quite
frankly, characterizes those who are successful at seduction.

MINORITY POSITION
The fact is that few guys are comfortable with the seducer’s attitude; and when they
are comfortable, it is usually consistent with their general attitude towards life and
other people. For whatever historical reasons of their personal lives, they are more
able to habitually and routinely see women as objects than other men.

Obversely, it is also the fact that most men to not find themselves at ease with this
attitude. These men tend to want a long-term relationship, family and a life in com-
panionship with a woman.

The empirical fact is that, some men only learn that they do not have the stomach
for the true seducer’s attitude towards women by trying it out for themselves and
experiencing the fallout. One of the problems with this experimental approach is that it
ends up giving the guy a history – and that history can sometimes have very serious
negative repercussions on a man’s subsequent life.

The seductive attitude has its defenders and its arguments. The chief perspective among
seducers is simply that they want the pleasure of the erotic experience and are willing
to go out and get it. Among the points made in the extended discussion of this topic,
somewhat confusingly, is the observation that on one hand there is a clear propensity
in nature to favor multiple females for the male; there are also examples in human

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history as well as cultural practices today that still approve multiple women for men.
Examples of such approval are to be found Islam and among the Mormons.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher, in her book that reports her research on the nature
and chemistry or romantic love, Why We Love, concludes that human beings are
programmed by nature to crave sexual gratification ‘Lust.,
( she calls it; perhaps she
could have used a different term!). She sees ‘lust’ as a human trait that insures
the survival of the species. In contrast, moral teaching considers Lust as one of the ‘7
Deadly Sins.’ We are programmed to seek sexual union with almost any partner.
Fisher’s point is that the Lust brain network functions more strongly in some of us
than in others. It is a human variable. Her assertion raises the question of whether not
everyone should be judged by the same rule, measured by the same yardstick. The
basic principle is that individuals are not equal, not by a long shot! And that notion
contradicts such forcefully and mechanically imposed notions as ‘All men are equal
before the law.’

A second neural brain network support the desire for romantic love, the elation and
obsession of “being in love”. Romantic love enables us to focus our courtship atten-
tions on a single individual at a time, thereby conserving precious mating time and
energy. Physiologically this network would be expected to be less well functioning in a
successful seducer. This network, which has to be supported by the body’s biochemis-
try, is subject to weakening over time. Thus, the seducer is sometimes content to stay
with each woman for several months.

However, these things are only a matter physiology. Normally they influence human
behavior, but do not dictate it. On top of the biology are the influences of culture,
education, society and the circumstances of life.

The point of recognizing the biology is that it is not true that every man is exactly
the same as every other man. Such social positions as “all men are equal under
the law” are a conventional fictions observed for the convenience of general society
rather than for any actual interest in individual justice. Individuals differ according to
more or less over a wide range. Both the biology and the culture have to be taken
into account, if there is going to be any real sense of justice.

And the third relevant brain network, the one which supports male-female attachment,

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 the feeling of calm, peace and security one can have for a long-term mate is there to
enable us to ‘love’ our partner long enough to rear children.

The general view of the exceptional guys that successfully practice seduction, as op-
posed to the normal range of human sexual experience that implies about half of the
male and female population have between two and ten temporary sexual experiences,
is that they are more wired for lust than other men and cultural inhibitions have less
impact on them than other men.

On the other hand are the various arguments that point out that society in general
does not really approve of multiple women for men. The Bible does not approve, even
to the extent of criminalizing such behavior, and even the Koran cautions that the man
has to be ‘just’ to all of his the women – a deterrent for sure. The discussion
often deals with what happens in nature and what happens in cultures when a man
has many women.

Then there is the distinction between culturally legitimized multiple relationships and
illegitimate ones. There are many health, legal, moral, cultural, and social problems
associated with multiple relationships. Additionally seduction, prostitution, sexual experi-
mentation, open marriages, the mistress, the concubine and a number of other difficult
to resolve issues are part of the discussion of multiple relationships.

In short, the role of the philanderer in society is a contentious issue. On one hand,
because of biology, because of the actual behavior of a large segment of society (and
perhaps because of a certain resentment resulting from the fact that seducers do what
other want to do but refrain from doing with some reluctance), people are likely to
have some sympathy for the seducer. Many are supposed to envy him his success.
However, on the other had, because of culture, the well-known negative social results
of philandering, they feel compelled to disapprove of the seducer’s practice. Again,
the seducer’s role is society is contentious.

KNOWLEDGE AND SKILL

Your attitude is reflected in your ability to attract a woman. It comes from inside
of you as a result of how you think. To use other words, it is your ‘charm’, your
‘charisma’, and your ‘sex appeal’. The words all mean the same thing: your at-
tractive attitude. Like successful racing car drivers such as Schumacher, smart guys have

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to have developed some understanding of what they are doing. That is LifeSkills’s
perspective.

Only an idiot who has no skill beyond that of road driving would just climb into Mi-
chael Schumacher’s Formula 1 race car, jam a helmet down on his head and pull out
onto the track and into a professional race. You have to know what you are doing
when it comes to racing cars or racy women.

Sexual Safety:
It used to be that casual sex had a relatively low rate of risk attached to it. However,
things have changed. Particularly today, going after casual sex puts you at consider-
able even deadly risk. Given the prevalence of AIDS and its uncontrolled spread
as well as other sexually transmitted diseases, to say nothing of major emotional
problems associated with casual sex, it is very reasonable to be concerned with sexual
safety.

LifeSkills takes the long-term perspective: sex is good and should be appropriately
sought out, but safely. Establishing a relationship within which you are able to get to
know the woman, her background, and her behavior, gives you a safer context within
which to pursue your erotic interests. Even the professional seducers have a safety
policy: they use a condom for six months, then both get tested, and only then do they
have bareback sex.

While casual seduction is the game some guys play, not everyone is into outright se-
duction. In general, guys would love to have easily available sex. But fear and caution
hold them back. In the long run most guys want a real life girlfriend.

Experience teaches most guys seeking sex that casual or recreational sex does not
include much personalized erotic pleasure or genuine affection or any sincere caring.
That is why guys get fed up with it and start looking around for a better way to do
things. Whether or not or to what degree, or within what timeframe that girlfriend
also provides them with sex, that is, with an erotic relationship, comes to be part of
the bigger picture. For a lot of reasons (staying healthy, alive and non-pregnant being
three of them) in spite of your ‘needs’, the safer approach is to “Get a girlfriend
first, get to know her, then make the move towards sex in the context of developing
relationship.” If, nevertheless, you choose to be aggressively seductive, without at-

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 tending to any safeguards, at least be aware that there may be some serious conse-
quences to your practice – at least as a minimal protection always wear a condom!
Getting laid and getting your rocks off is not worth you life!

SUMMARY
Being a successful driver starts before you even get in the car. Being successful on
a date (or being successful in getting dates) starts long before you will actually meet
women. Successful driving and dating both start with mastering essential skills that
start with yourself, your attitude, your physical assets and your behavioral skills. This
part of the manual will lay out you the principles of those skills you need to master
before going out. But be warned: You will never learn to be a good driver by
just reading a manual; you will never learn to be a good lover by just reading this
manual. You must actually do the things that are recommended, seek out and accept
correction, and practice your skills diligently.

Most men will fail at dating long before they even go out because they have not suc-
cessfully or sufficiently prepared themselves. Experience tells us that in order to maxi-
mize your success, what you do before you step out is almost more important than
what you do once you are out. Preparation is more than half the battle. That means
being prepared physically (looks) and mentally (convictions) and emotionally (attitudes).

Good driving practice recommends that you understand the rules of the road, learn
and practice the essential skills, and get some feedback through supervised practice.
You want to be at your best: physically and mentally and emotionally. Then you are
most likely to drive as well as you can.

The same common sense rules apply to dating. You should understand the rules of
the road (the psychology of women and dating and the rules of social dynamics). You
should get some feedback from friends (especially women friends).

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