Chapter 1 Helpless People

They made their way across traffic on the cracked, uneven concrete road in what little I could call an orderly line, carrying banners and signs with images of God, and any variant of the words HOMO SEX IS WRONG and GOD HATES YOU and NO LOVE FOR HOMOS on them. A few protesters carried statues of saints and angels and Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary, waving them in the air. Ed had said a senatorI forgot which, as their were so many in the news nowadayshad filed a new version of the Anti-Discrimination bill. One that actually came with LGBT rights LGBT protection, same-sex adoption, LGBT people allowed to enlist in the military, same-sex marriage. The works. As usual, some extremist Catholics had to protest their outrage at this new provision on LGBT rights. They were doing the same with the Reproductive Health bill and women; why not Anti-Discrimination and gays? A group of them had greeted me as soon as I exited my office at Queer Content. It was a magazine solely written by LGBT people, which I now understood was why it made such an obvious target for the Catholic Church. You will never find true, honest love! a male protester yelled to my face, spit drizzling on my cheeks. Your love is sinful, and God will make sure you dont! You are an abomination! You are the Devil reborn! When I returned home, I found a bunch more of them marching down our street. Did they know what love was? Did God know what love was? He invented it, they say. But did that mean He was allowed to dictate who did and didnt deserve to find it? Well maybe it did, and I knew I could do little about that. And if telling me that I deserved to burn in Hell, albeit that there was no proof of its existence, was love, then they must really be messed up. I leaned against the rooftop ledge. I gritted my teeth. A waste of time, that protest was. Those extremist Catholics waving their banners, yelling gays deserved to die. Like being gay was a bad thing . . . It wasnt. If it were, and if there were a god, Hed have killed me here and now!

Plus, love was simple body chemistry. People are compatible with each other because of their personalities and preferences, not because some Holy Ghost led them to each other. Not fate. Not destiny. Or any variant thereof. But it did worry me if I would find love (that is to say, a person whom I d get along with, possibly date, and perhaps . . . marry). It was a matter that hadnt crossed my mind in a long time. Theyre at it again, Joanna said, gazing down the rooftop. She shook her head and sat next to me on the floor. Asshole Catholics. What do they know about God? They dont even know if God existsor any other god for that matter! I tittered. Hey, not all Catholics are badheck, some of those asshole Catholics are homosexual themselves, I said. What we hate are the extremists. They believe God exists, I said with a raised finger. What they cant do is prove that there is in fact one by simply saying they possess the belief that one existswhich goes for all Catholicsand they certainly cant use something they cant prove exists to make peoples lives miserable. But, that said I still kind of believe in God. She laughed, not bothering to contain herself. You? she said, tucking her bleached black hair behind her ear. I thought you said you didnt believe in that crap. Well, yeah, the Churchs crap, I explained. But that doesnt mean I dont believe in anything. I believe in a different god. She arched an eyebrow. So, what youre saying is youre a deist. Elaborate, oh Bald One. I looked up and remembered Id shaved my head clean. I hadnt yet grown used to it. I smiled derisively. Joanna wouldnt take plain yes or no for an answeryou had to justify your statement, explain your side. Shed told me she was quite the debater back in high school. I didnt know whether or not to take her word for it. She was a lesbian. We shared the same apartment on the third floor. Nobody paid much attention to us living together. The neighbors probably thought we were seeing each other, or some other heinous rumor, which most Filipinos are more than happy to divulge. Come to think of it, nobody in the building knew I was gay. Or so Id like to think. Theyd probably picked up signs, but they treated me like everybody else: coldly; the occasional Hi or Hello. Although, the hoards of girls Joe brought with her on most nights might have signaled something to the neighbors.

Well, the only thing people know about God is that He exists; everything else is just . . . pure imagination, I said. Human-made. The only reason people hate gays is because they arent. God doesnt. He doesnt care. How do you know God doesnt care? How do they know God does? she retorted. And, no, Dave. The reason why people hate gays is because the Bible and their Church dictate so. The Roman Catholic Church did not like the culture of open homosexuality that the Greeks had, and subsequently the Romans, and so they botched it like they did all the concepts of most Pagan religions and cultures. She shrugged. For example, Lucifer was originally a Roman godthey stole the idea of him and turned him into the antagonist. She stood. I rest my case. God doesnt exist. Well, at least to me He doesnt, and I can respect that you are entitled to your own beliefs, she said. And, anyway, I have the Flying Spaghetti Monster. She sneered. At least my god got me a Vespa for Christmas. She stuck out her tongue. I did not enjoy her sarcasm. Nowher face lit up with a smileI have a surprise for you. She helped me up onto my feet. Itll make us both feel better. Cool, I said. What is it? I closed my eyes, held my hands out. Is it a puppy? Howd you know I wanted a puppy? Ive always wanted a puppy. She slapped both my hands. I opened my eyes. No, silly, she said. They dont allow pets here. I faked a frown. But you know what they do allow? I didnt. Hot stud. Moved in this morning. Comes with six-pack abs and big biceps just the way you want em. I chuckled. Whatever would possess you to like hot studs, Joanna? Arent you into girls and cunts anymore? Oh, I am, she replied. This hot stud comes with a hot chick, with a hot cunt. Now, come on! She took my hand and pulled me back into the stairwell. Theyre probably together buteye candy, Dave, eye candy! I feigned delight, almost falling on my clumsy feet. I wished the guy didnt have a girlfriend. Not that I would even have a hairs chance of making him fall in love with me (that is to say, getting him to say yes to a date). A guy that hot wouldnt be interested in a nerdy deist. No guy would. Not in the Philippinesas was my answer to every statistical disadvantage that presented itself to me. I will get married at thirty. But not in the Philippines (in Canada,

perhaps). My commentary on how the President gave the Catholic Church a position in public office will one day get published. Sure, but not in the Philippines. Never in the Philippines. Piles of boxes flooded the hallway. We had to hop over a few to get to our door. Hes busy unpacking, she whispered. I cringed as she nudged me by the elbow. You should offer to help him out! I shook my head. I felt my lips quiver. All I wanted to do was get to my room. Perhaps my computer had finished downloading new porn for me to watch. With my less than average build and less than average face, the computer was as close to a sexual relationship as I was ever going to get. The fact that Id shaved my head clean the other night did not add to my arsenal. I jabbed my key into the hole. I found it awkward that it wouldnt turn. Damn it, I muttered. Damn key! She tugged at my plaid shirt. What are you doing? she whispered. Thats not going to work. She snickered. What is wrong with this key!? The door opened, and I found myself on the floor. Hey, came the raspy baritone. I felt my heart stop. I traced from his feet to his bulging legs, to his exquisite torso, and up to his chiseled face. He wore a white tank topcomplete with pecs and abs, like Joanna saidthat clung to his chest from his sweat. Can I help you? he asked. It dawned on me that I had the wrong apartment and had waltzed right into Mr. Hot Studs door. Hey, sorry about that, dude, Joanna said with that pretentious deep voice of hers. Every time she spoke to a guyat least one that was even a little bit masculineshe used that tone. She reached to shake his big hands. Names Joe. Nice to meet ya. Mr. Hot Stud only stared at her hands, bewildered, I thought. Joe, huh. Thats new. He smiled. He had the most gorgeous lips. I tried not to linger too long on them, but I found that wasnt the easiest feat. Ned, he said. He grabbed her hand for a formal shake, but Joe reeled herself in for a manly hug. I saw the look in his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to get away from her. He glanced at my direction, and I hid my smile as best I could. He smirked and reached his hand out

to me. His nails were well-kept, but his palm was painted with a thin coat of brownish dust. I hesitated grabbing it. I held my hand out and he shook it firmly. You look very buff, I blurted out. I gawked. I did not just say that. He tittered. Uh-huh. I work out regularly, he said, flexing his biceps. Took me months to get these babies. He made his pectorals bounce. Joe put her hand on my shoulder and followed with her head rested on it. She wasnt the lightest. So, she said, looking at Ned, I saw you come in with a girl a while ago. . . . And not the subtlest, either, it would appear (but neither was I). He nodded coolly. Yeah. My sister. I could see in his eyes he was embarrassed. Shes sleeping right now, but maybe I could introduce you guys to her some other time. Her names Laurel. He flashed us a crooked smile. He glanced over me again and shifted to the wall. Uh how long have you two been together? Joe and I laughed in chorus. Oh no, I think you have the wrong idea. He kept a straight face. Really? he joked. Didnt seem like you both were gay. He winked at me, and I couldve sworn I saw the flat line on his face curve up for a second. I felt myself suffocating from his aroma. Well, Ive got some unpacking to do. Nice meeting you two. He waved and closed the door, locked it. For a while, it was silent. I think he likes you.