20

The Pioneer Log BACKdoor

april 20, 2012

In honor of 4/20, and the colleges reputable history of absolutely appropriate responses, the Backdoor would like to make a final roast to LCs biggest daily threat: marijuana. We get it, LC, youre a real school! And real schools cant just let their students openly smoke weed once a year. Suuuure, marijuana laws are unfair, ridiculous and based on racist premises. But, as a liberal arts college, its the administrations duty to make sure our newly learned critical frameworks dont manifest in any unlawful civil disobedience. Thems the rules. Oooh, look at meee, Im marijuana. Im the fuuun guy at the party. I change peoples perspectives and can help treat caaaanncer. Big whoop. Marijuana is not a joke and there is nothing funny or acceptable about its use. ITS ILLEGAL. PERIOD. And everything thats illegal should be rejected without protest or question. You may as well be openly smoking crack, ya goddamned dirty-no-gooddruggie. Sorry, hippies, but if I wanted to support a bunch of youth at a dope-smoking fest, I would have bought a ticket to Bonnaroo. Go cry to your guitar about it. You know what would happen if the administration were to just look the other way and let us smoke weed at the flagpole? Chaos. Destruction. Anarchy. Whats next, theyre just gonna, what, turn the other cheek while students run naked through campus during Prospective Students weekend? Oh wait... So, screw you, marijuana (psh, if thats even your real name.) I hope you stay illegal forever.

TOAST ROAST OF THE WEEK: MARIJUANA

You: Like playing with fire Me: Wouldnt mind playing Simon says. You: I want. Me: To be my tee-ni-nee-ni-nu. You: Looking for some action Me: Spring-into Action on April 21st You: Adorable badass on a bike Me: Diggin your sexy rain pants You: Blondie always on Facebook. Me: Willin to subscribe. You: With your friends at the movies. Me: Creepin in the dark.

You Caught My Eye

You: PioLog. Me: Gonna miss you. You: Loud talking athletes. Me: Ummm, trying to do yoga here. Gah. You: Cute short haired girl Me: Tryin to get down. You: Preppy dressed lanky stud. Me: Wanting to touch your gator. You: Dancin round the streets. Me: Feelin your funky beat. You: The last YCME Ill ever be forced to make up. Me: Tellin all yall, for next year, to send more in!

You: Hat-wearin loud mouth. Me: Lets skip the anime and get to the lovin

Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@gmail.com

Another handy Backdoor survival guide: Graduation

Hello, children. Its our last ever edition of the Backdoor, and were feeling pretty good. Actually, thats a bold-faced lie. The only way it could have been more untrue is if it had literally been written in bold face, which is easily accomplished. Were feeling pretty good. No, my sweet little birds, were terrified! Were about to enter the real world where the consequences for using words like cunt, fuck, shit and scrotum like they were and, but, or or so have consequences far more severe than a paltry letter to the editor. In order to celebrate (read: mourn) our departure from the cozy bastion of first amendment freedom devoid of journalistic integrity in which weve reveled for so long, weve assembled a brief guide for handling your shit when graduation comes around. 1. Keep it cool I mean, yeah, youre graduating. I mean, yeah, you have to find like a real job. I mean, yeah, maybe your resume isnt the most impressive thing ever. I mean, yeah, everyone else you know has some kind of fancy internship lined up. I mean, yeah, maybe you should have worked a little harder in a couple of those classes. I mean, yeah, your parents are going to notice that youre pretty much the only person who doesnt have hella cords to wear. I mean, yeah, the best years of your life are coming to a close and youre embarking on a slow march toward loneliness, unhappiness, disappointment and death Just keep it cool, playa. Existential angst is for suckers. Save the tear-filled panic attack for after the ceremony, when youre safe in your bed, tucked into the fetal position, listening to Elliott Smith and ignoring concerned texts from your mom. 2. Take care of the basics Its always the most seemingly straightforward endeavors that end up biting you in the ass. Even though it is rather ridiculous that four years of working our asses off culminates in some archaic ceremony where we wear stupid hats and accept a piece of paper from an adult wearing the same variety of stupid hat, accepting your college diploma is one of thost moments in life that you want to go pretty smoothly. Are you thinking that commencement might be the perfect opportunity to whip out those new, super cute stilettos youve been dying to wear? THINK AGAIN. You WILL fall, and the moment WILL be ruined. Oh, wanna celebrate graduating by eating your favorite meal of carnitas, rice and refried beans? DONT. You WILL be overcome with the farts and your peers WILL hate you. Havent had your period yet? Well, GUESS WHAT? Its all up on your robe. Worried about getting dehydrated from sitting in the sun for too long? DONT drink a bunch of water; you WILL piss yourself. Im not trying to make people feel shame about their bodies here. In fact, I personally like to think of them as bodily functions. Im just saying that we live in a society of moralistic prigs who do want you to feel that shame. They want it to sear into your very being... 3. Dont drink too much at the banquet ... and try not to let your family do so either. Imagine the abundance of potentially mortifying scenarios: a.) Your friend: Oh hey, Mom! I want you to meet my friend! You know, the one I always talk about who is so ambitious, clever and generally just a great person? Here she is! You: [burp] or b.) You: Hey, family member. Let me introduce you to my roommates father who is super successful and bought me a whole bunch of expensive meals at fancy restaurants when he last visited. Family member: Oh, hello, person that my child clearly wants me to impress. Let me tell you about my slightly racist beliefs regarding a certain subject before launching into a semi-coherent tirade about why I shouldnt have to press one for English. ... I mean, the Backdoor obviously wants you to party hard. Its just that a bunch of people tend to believe in this bizarre concept called dignity, so were trying to accommodate those so apparently fixated on keeping it. 4. Burn a few bridges Do you really want to enter adulthood knowing that the insufferable kiss-ass from your Philosophy class has never been told how smarmy and self-righteous he is? Get it out now, or it will eat at you forever. Its not like hell care anyway. His relentless asskissing has already landed him a job thats way better than any of your prospects.

THIS WEEKS COMIC by OLIVE

The time has come where we, the Backdoor editors, must say goodbye to the Pioneer Log and goodbye to this fair school. So, if you fancy yourself a jokester and youd like to be the Backdoor editor next semester, please e-mail the Pioneer Log and apply (stuck-up prudes and weiners need not exert the effort). Well miss you sweetheart, Erin and Marcia

All farticles written in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. Oh, wanna do a comic or shower us with compliments? Contact Erin Ruprecht or Marcia Belsky.