Bonus #3 Top 10 Dating Questions

In my next book (publication date early 2012), I tackle some of the most interesting dating questions Ive ever received from gay men.

Theyre funny, moving and at the same time, reective of the gay experience. I developed the answers through a combination of interviews with psychologists and a judicious application of common sense, which tends to dry up when you meet Mr. All That.

Heres your sneak peak!

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Question #1 How to Quit Being a Flake

I'm 24 and have not really had a proper long-term relationship. I've never had much trouble getting guys into bed, so there's normally a decent amount of sex ying around. The problem is Im a bit of a hypocrite. If a guy likes me for "more than sex" straight off the bat, I kinda lose interest, even if Im attracted to him. I tend to fall for the guys that I sort of like at rst, but who then don't reciprocate. Its like their lack of interest just rocks my world. Normally, I hate playing "the game" (acting hard to get, feigning disinterest, etc), so if I like someone, they will know it. But when I get the same treatment from other guys, I nd it.... boring? Is this normal? Should I just hang around till the right balance between him liking me, and me liking him comes along? Or am I a rejection junky? ----- Fucked? Dear Fucked, Youre not a rejection junkie; youre a new meat junkie. Big difference. Oh, and that bullshit about not liking the game? Dont pee on my leg and tell me its raining. You love the game --as long as youre the dealer and not the dealt with. Heres why youre chasing your tail and how you can stop: 1. The Hunt is More Exciting For You Than the Catch. The pursuit is giving you something that being pursued does not: Anticipation, excitement, spontaneity, conquest and drama. OH GOD, THE DRAMA! And of course, that New Dick Smell.
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The solution: Trade in the fruits of the pursuit for the benets of a boyfriend. That means accepting less of what youre getting plenty ofexcitement and drama, in return for what youre getting none ofintimacy and bonding. How do you do that? By knowing what you dont know. And what you dont know is the excitement of being with someone you truly love. What you dont know is how intimacy creates mind-blowing sex. Be curious. Find out. You also need to exercise a little impulse control. Dont mancan a guy after a week or two. Wait a month. You might be kicking the love of your life to the curb without knowing it. Dating isnt just about giving your dick a new career; its also about discovering qualities in a guy that arent immediately noticeable. Ive had two tricks that turned into long-term boyfriendsthank God I didnt do then what youre doing now. 2) Youve Confused Sexual Conquest with Self-Acceptance Youre an acceptance vampire, hungering for warm, life-giving dick. Once youve buried your fangs in somebody theyre of no use to you anymore. You need a constant supply of fresh acceptance or youll die. Or rather, your ego will. The solution: Put a stake through the heart of your ego. Youre convinced that your selfworth is based on how many guys you can get to like you, making it impossible to be in a relationship. There are great reasons to be a whore; a lack of self-esteem aint one of them. Read Eckhart Tolles book, The New Earth. Itll give you a great understanding of how your ego keeps you from getting what you want and how you can stop it. Im not going to pump sunshine up your ass and tell you any of this is easy to do. But if you dont change direction youre going to end up where youre headeda love life dened by a single word: Next!

Question #2 Getting Past Loneliness

Im always pursuing guys that I can't have and running away from guys that show interest. I'm a sad contradiction. I'm always alone and nd myself longing for a boyfriend. Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can't look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on. I cruise guys but am afraid to make the rst move. I've lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself. On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it. Since then, I'm afraid to open up to anyone. I think he'll only see my aws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again. My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won't approach me. They think I'm a cock-tease or just an asshole. I've sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I'm hoping maybe you have some insight for me. I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and nally nd the loving relationship I think I want? I'm tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by. -- Lost & Desperate Dear Lost & Desperate: There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable. In fact, I cover all of them in my new ebook, Attract Hotter Guys. But you know what? Save yourself the moneyit wont help

people like you. Unless you have some fundamental sense of selfwhich you dontthe tips and techniques in my book wont do you any good. Ive said it a million timesboyfriends dont bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. Unfortunately, the rst instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to nd something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did nd someone to make you, happy youd end up driving him away with your unhappiness. So, instead of looking for bliss to ow into you Id work on getting it to ow out of you. Give up the search for a while. Stop wearing the T-shirt that says Unit Available and switch to the one saying, Off The Market. Its only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that youll nd the strength and focus to do the hard work required. Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it. You did to therapy what you do in your love life: Seek, nd and sabotage. So, therapys a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern. Plus, youll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess youve become. Its a two-fer. In some ways, I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life. their unhappiness on. If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing youd become happier. And then my ebook will help! A lot of men don't really want a relationshipthey just like looking for one. And what theyre looking for is a canvas to paint

Question #3 Hot Monogamy

I want to have the kind of relationship that Michelle and Barack Obama have! My God, Id never cheat again. Coming from me, thats saying a LOT. What do you think makes them tick and how can I get me some of that? -- OH! Bama!

I'm guessing the sex is so hot when the Obamas are done, the Bidens light a cigarette. For the rst time in years, the White House bedroom is going to see more action than Clinton's Oval Ofce. Baby got back and it brought monogamy with it. Barack and Michelle are doing for delity what Clinton did with indelity--make us cover our eyes and peek through our ngers. Of course, monogamy's always been sexy--for the rst year or two of a relationship. But 17 years into a marriage? With two kids? That's a recipe for sexual amnesia ("You wanna put what where? Why?") In HBO's The Sex Inspectors (the sex makeover TV series), we help long-term couples with kids re-ignite the passion that marked their early relationship. By using cameras in the bedroom, we show them what they're doing wrong--in and out of bed. But who needs cameras when you can look at a picture-perfect relationship? Here's how M & O re on all cylinders: Kiss, Kiss. A passionate kiss is like a spider's web--it leads to the undoing of the y. Most couples don't realize that before sex walks out the door, affection ies out the window. It's not an accident that the Obamas kiss A LOT. They hold hands, hug and touch even more. They're not showing off; they're setting the stage. The best way to open the bedroom doors is to warm the path to it.

Pump, Pump. Barack, at 47, is almost 6' 2" and probably 170 lbs. Michelle, at 42, is almost 6' and probably around the same weight. They don't stay that way by doing daily doughnut drive-bys. They're nuts about exercise, hitting the gym by 6 a.m. Shape up or the sex ships out. Arousal is about blood ow. So is exercise. You don't need a Dalmatian to connect the dots. Look, Look. Nancy Reagan looked at Ronnie like she admired him. Laura Bush looked at George like she loved him. Michelle looks at Obama like she's undressing him. Embers turn to ames when you treat the object of your affection like the object of your desire. Tush, Tush. They say behind every great man is a great woman. Not anymore. Now, it's BESIDE every great man is a great woman. She's not the wind beneath his wings; she is one of his wings. The sense of shared accomplishment is both cause and effect of their intimacy. But enough lessons. It's more fun to watch. Like Bill Clinton ("I feel your pain, can I feel it a little more?"), Obama's got charm and empathy to spare--traits that do not go unnoticed by women. But unlike the former Bubba-in-chief, he's the Hubba-Hubba-in-Chief. In real estate terms, that man is ocean-view property. And don't get me started on her. She's the rst-ever FLILF (First Lady I'd Like To...) Between the two, there's going to be a whole lotta humpin' in the White House. At last, a government-run sex education program we can all agree on!

Question #4 Admitting How Many Men Youve Boinked

Im a 19-year-old college student that kinda went crazy during my freshman year, mostly with the help of Manhunt. Im tested frequently for HIV and the normal cocktail of STDs but have never contracted anything. A lot of guys have been asking how many people I've been with, lately. A year ago, I would have proudly responded that I've only been with 4 guys...but now you'd have to add a 0 on the end of that 4 just to get close. Normally, when it bothers someone that I've been with that many people, their concern is not that I'm a blown-out whore, but that they'll get an STD. I have always practiced safer sex (condoms, not swallowing) and I've even gotten into the habit of not letting guys nish in me. I get tested every few months or so in spite of my practices and the fact that I have no signs and symptoms of any STDs. Im talking to a guy right now that Im crazy interested in, but am scared that if he asks me how many guys Ive been with hell be scared off. When judgment day comes, what should I tell this new guy? Help! -Healthily Oversexed

Dear Oversexed: The answers the same if he asked you how much money you made: NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS. Of course, you cant put it that waytheres dick at stake. So heres how you nesse it: * Answer The Question With A Question. As in, Why are you asking? Put the burden on him. The people who truly want to know about STDs might say, Im just a little worried about HIV and other ill-mannered microbes. Then you can simply say, I get tested regularly and dont have so much as a pimple.

* Assume his motivation is safety. If he says, Im only asking because Im curious, assume hes worried he might catch a horrible disease like Age or Wrinkles. Your answer: Im sensing youre worried about STDs. No problem, I get tested regularly. * If He Keeps Insisting, Question His Motivation. Once youve answered the safety issue, theres only one reason hell ask: He wants to judge you. So dont answer. If the number is too low, youre a loser. If its too high, youre a whore. Consider acting out this scene: Him: So, how many guys have you slept with? You: Why is that so important to you? Him: I just want to know more about you. You: Id rather talk about our sex life, not my previous ones. Him: Why are you avoiding the question? Do you have something to hide? You: Tell me the right number. Him: What? You: The magic number you think is acceptable. The number that keeps me in the good girl category and the number that cages me in the slut pen. Him: Thats ridiculous. You: No, it isnt. Because youre not interested in knowing the number. Youre interested in knowing whether youre dating an angel or a tramp.

Him: That is SO not true. You: Yes it is. No matter what I say, youre going to judge me. Okay, thats a bit overly dramatic for somebody you hardly know, but you get my drift. If he doesnt give you an acceptable number, change the subject. If he does give you a number, then you know hes going to have a t if youre north of it. At that point, you have to decide if you want to date a guy whos more interested in what youve done than what you could be.

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Question #5 Disclosing Your Friends HIV Status

So, my friend Dave told me about a year ago that he is HIV positive. Im not. I went clubbing with a different friend, Steve, also negative, when we ran into Dave. Immediate sparks ignited between Dave and Steve. I debated if I should say anything to Steve about Dave's HIV status but decided it was their business to discuss, not my own. They ended up going back to Dave's apartment. Apparently, Dave revealed his status to an unsuspecting Steve and those sparks were quickly extinguished. Now, Steve is no longer speaking to me because he feels as though I should have said something sooner, so, as I suspect, he could have blown off Dave sooner. Which is sad. Both are great guys, and they could have missed out on getting to know someone really cool, or they could be missing out on some hot sex. Should I have told Steve about Daves status? Or was I right to keep my trap shut?

-- Trapped in the middle

Dear Trapped: Congratulationsyouve won the Most Difcult Question Ever Asked on Manhunt award. Ive spent weeks thinking about your dilemma, changing my mind every 15 minutes, and getting splitting headaches in the bargain. In fact, Ive been popping so much Ibuprofen, Advil sent me a thank you letter for propping up their stock.

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I even called a couple of psychologists and counselors to see what they had to say. Heres the transcript of a conversation I had with one of them--the gay, and more importantly, hot, New York City-based psychologist, Dr. Brad Thomason: Me: Was he right for keeping silent? Doc: Yes. It isnt your responsibility to broadcast other peoples medical conditions. Me: But isnt it irresponsible to say nothing and take the risk that somebody you love might get infected? Doc: People should take responsibility for their own health. Taken to its ultimate conclusion what youre saying is that you have the obligation to tell everybody who might sleep with Dave that hes positive. Me: Its hard to disagree with what youre saying but I keep thinking, whats more important--keeping a friends condence or keeping a friend safe? Doc: Thats not the right question. The right question is who is responsible for your health you or your friends? Me: I take your point, but I dont think youre getting mine. Are we not our brothers keepers? Doc: Yes, if those brothers are unable to take care of themselves. If theyre mentally impaired, or demonstrably ignorant about HIV thats a different story. Me: Or if theyre so stupid they think its possible to kill a sh by drowning it. Doc: Im going to ignore that. My point is that youre not the alarm system for fully functioning friends.
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Me: What if theyre drunk or high? Doc: They made a choice to drink or use. Are you going to police that, too? Me: Are you kidding? Id be the one pouring! So much for the transcript; heres my bottom line: I would have told Steve that Dave was HIV. Why? When philosophy meets reality, logic ies out the window. If Im asked to choose between an abstraction like personal responsibility and the well being of a close friend, I would rather be intellectually inconsistent than emotionally tortured. Im not passing judgment on you because there are good arguments on both sides. The only person who needs a wake-up call is negative Steve. First, he should have asked before they left the bar. Second, he gave up a night or maybe a life with an awesome guy just because hes HIV? What a schmuck.

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Question #6 Breath That Could Knock A Buzzard Out

Ive got a really embarrassing problem: Bad breath. Im talking paint-peeling breath. Nothing works. I brush my teeth, oss, use mouthwashes, and pop Altoids constantly and people still put clothespins on their noses when I talk. You can imagine what its doing to my sex life. Help! -- Wilter Dear Wilter: The worst part of having bad breath is that most people dont know they have it. You cant tell by breathing into your cupped hands because the body gets used to its own odors. The only way you can tell is if your partners teeth duck every time you lean in for a kiss. Fortunately, there are things you can do to improve your breath, but rst some background. Your breath smells like the business end of a donkey because youre not getting rid of the food particles stuck in your teeth and gums. Those particles produce odor-causing Volatile Sulfur Compounds (VSC). Assuming your brushing and ossing regularly, heres what you need to do: * Forget The Old Mouthwashes. Listerine? Scope? Please. Mouthwashes simply mask the odor. Putting a different dress on the same whore doesnt make her prettier. Most older mouthwashes contain alcohol, which dries your mouth and makes your breath even worse than it started out. * Try The New Mouthwashes. There are special mouthwashes specically developed to neutralize VCS. Though you can buy some at drug stores, most are sold only through dentists or at sites like www.dentist.net. Make sure they contain chlorine dioxide, zinc ion or

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sodium chlorite. Mouthwashes cant penetrate through the plaque on your gums, teeth and tongue so you gotta brush, scrape and oss to break up the plaque and give the rinse a ghting chance. Otherwise, youll keep setting trees on re every time you open your mouth. Also, do what those nasty boys in the Treasure Island porn videos do when they squirt man-rinse in their mouths---gargle. As you gargle, make an aaaaahh sound. This will extend your tongue outward, letting the mouthwash cover the back of the tongue where most of the bad breath producing VSCs like to squat. * Scrape Your Tongue. Your tongues like a shag carpetit traps millions of microscopic food particles and bacteria. So brush your tongue with a toothbrush and follow it up with a tongue scraper. Look the other way, too. You wont believe whatll come off it. * Suck On Something Hard. Sorry, dicks dont count. While thinking about penises stimulates the ow of saliva, sucking on them doesnt. Saliva contains antiseptics and enzymes that kill bacteria, so the equations pretty simple: More saliva = less bacteria = better breath. Best bet? Hard candy. Altoids wont work because they dont produce more saliva. BTW, if you're wondering why your breath is so bad in the morning, its because sleep dramatically slows down saliva production. * Chew Gum Like A Cow. Its the best way to produce saliva. Epic gum has the heaviest concentration of xylitol, a sugar substitute known for saliva production. Try Big Red, too. Recent studies show cinnamon has an ingredient that decreases bacteria in your mouth. * Drink More Water. You remember water, dont you? Its a mixer. You have it with Whiskey. Oh, and it also keeps bacteria in check. * Get A Water Pick. Brushing, ossing and gargling cant get everything out, so use a water pick to get the rest.

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Follow my instructions and I swear youll get more ass than a Thai whore at a military base. Just remember that youve got to do everything I recommended daily or youll be right back knocking bowling pins into the gutter with a simple exhalation.

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Question #7 How To Get Used To Condoms

Im a 21-year-old college student who gets raging hard-ons for my new crush--this sweet, gorgeous guy whos exactly what Im looking for. He wants me to top him but the second the condom goes on my cock it goes limp. Does this make me a bottom? I'm getting more and more upset about it, which I'm sure only makes matters worse. Am I alone in this? Does this happen to others? What can I do to keep an erection with a condom on?

-- Frustrated as hell

Dear Frustrated: Youre not alone. I cant think of anything thatll give my dick a at tire more than condoms. Well, okay, vaginas, but lets not quibble. Here are the reasons youre losing it and how you can get it back:

1. Focus Interruptus. There you are, kissing, hugging, with his legs around you ready to be plowed like a snowy Minnesota highway. Your whole body is pounding with pleasure and anticipation when suddenly you have to switch from passion to logic. Where are the condoms? Are they in the rst or second drawer? And wheres the lube? Do you have enough of it? You stretch to look under the bed and, of course, its not there, so now you have to get up to look for it. Ah! There it is! Now look down. Your dick just went from impressive to impossible. Losing your erection is natural when your attention goes from the throbbing excitement of sex to the logical pursuit of safe sex.
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Solution: Be prepared. Always keep lube and condoms near the bed. Best bet: Keep a fun box near or under your bed so you ALWAYS know where everything isand always within arms reach. Remember, Preparation = Penetration.

2. Condoms Suck. But HIV sucks even more so were stuck with the suck. Most of us have an aversion to condoms because of their awful texture, their medical smell and that wonderful power they have to reduce sensations. Solution: Buy buckets of condoms and spend 20 minutes a day for a few days, opening them, stretching them to the breaking point, noticing the different smells and textures. Do silly things with them like lling them with water, tying their ends and playing catch with them. Why? To desensitize yourself. To take their power away. By the time its Showtime you wont be intimidated by them because the look, texture and smell of the rat bastards will be so familiar.

3. Condoms are awkward. Do you open from top to bottom? Side to side? And then once youve gotten them open, which side do you put on the head of your dick so you can roll it down? Confusion is a great recipe to scare the hard off your on. Solution: When youre alone, get yourself excited and put dozens of different condoms on. Notice theyre like sockstheres a right side and a wrong side. How do you know the difference? The Teat. Make sure you put it on with the teat pointing upward. Also, practice opening them quickly and carefully. Stellar Tip: Stick with an easy-to-open brand. For instance, my favorite brand has a slight V cut that makes it obvious where to tear it. I notice a lot of condoms dont have instructions or clues like a V cut, and you can literally try tearing the four corners of the square before you nd the right entry point.

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The main thing is to become intimately familiar with condoms BEFORE you have sex. That way youll have power over them rather than the other way around.

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Question #8 How To Get a Raging Top To Bottom

Ive been with this guy for a few months now, and things are moving along quite nicely with one exception. Were both tops. We click on so many levels except that one. To avoid a stalemate in the bedroom, Ive been bottoming every time, but I really want to switch things up. Ive asked him but he wont. Is there any way I can change his mind? -Wanting to top Dear Wanting: Yes, with my proven, Get Him to Roll Over System. Heres how it works: 1. Seduce; Dont Confront. You cant argue your way into a mans starsh. Try it and the ten-foot fence around his sphincter will grow to twenty. Confront him and hell electrify the fence. Instead, seduce him. Even a salesman knows you dont go for the close right away. 2. Drop the labels. Saying something like, Im not going to be the bottom in this relationship will trigger every emotional hot button hes got about his masculinity. Instead, tell him youre crazy-attracted to him and want to experience different aspects of him. Make it about Desire and youll ll his heels with helium. Make it about whos the woman in the relationship and youll ll them with cement. 3. Emphasize Compromise. Remind him that partners dont just do things to each other in bed, they do things for each other. 4. Get a Commitment to Considering It. Youll never get a highly resistant guy to say, Ill do it. But you can easily get him to say, Ill consider it. Heres how: By promising that as you move slowly to the Main Event (see next point) you will not try to top him under any

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conditions. This will get rid of his anticipatory anxiety --constantly being on guard that youre going to trick or force him to bottom as soon as he lets down his guard. Trust is a key issuedont violate it, or youll spend the rest of your sex life on your back memorizing ceiling patterns. 5. Use Your Sexual Power. You have power over him. Its called Desire. Use it. What turns him on about you? Your chest? Walk around the house shirtless more. Does he like the way you grunt in bed? Grunt more. The more you turn him on the easier itll be to turn him over. 6. Desensitize his Ass. Start by simply laying on top of him stomach to stomach. Do NOT lift his legs as if youre about to enter him. Kiss and touch all you want but be on top. Once he gets comfortable with that, then advance progressively: - Ask if you can rim him. Rimming is nothing but the back door of a blowjob --and

feels about as heavenly. - Gently brush the head of your penis against his sphincter. Dont use your hands;

otherwise hell think youre going to pull the old Ill just stick the head in trick. - Slowly push between his legs so that the length of your dick presses against his

perineum. The heat and hardness of your dick against such a sensitive area will ood him with pleasure. The idea is to get him used to having your dick touching his Demilitarized Zone without freaking out. - Slowly rub the shaft of your penis against his perineum in gentle thrusting motions.

Basically, its stimulation by simulation. After a few weeks, when you sense hes receptive ASK him if you can make love. The combination of his love and desire for you mixed with the respectful and sexy way youve gone about it will almost always result in a Yes.
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Question #9 Is Oral Sex With An HIV+ Guy OK?

Its so easy for you to pass judgment on people who refuse to sleep with HIV+ guys. Youve been adamant that man-to-man oral sex will not lead to infection. Well, if youre so sure about it answer me this: Would you, woody, go down on a guy that you KNEW was HIV +? -- Need to know

Dear Need: I have to admit Ive agonized over your question because it forces me to reconcile my professional answers with my personal behavior. And you know, sometimes the two dont match. Not because Im hypocritical but because Im human. I have done some very stupid, unsafe things and that is exactly why people listen to me---because I aspire to progress without pretending to be perfect. Professionally I know I have a better chance of getting hit by a bus than getting hit by an infection if I went down on a poz guy, but personally, would I do it? Keep reading. Why am I stalling? Because your question isnt fair. Its too narrow. Theres no context. I dont do hypotheticals unless you give me real-world situations. Would I go down on a positive guy? Well, tell medid I just meet him or have I known him for a while? Is it a one-night stand or the fourth date? Is he okay looking or is he hot? Heres what I hate about your question: Youre not really asking me if Id go down on him; youre asking me if Id go home with him. And those are two very different questions. One is about safe sex choices; the other is about same sex prejudice. Would I go down on him if it were a onenighter? No. Would I go home with him? Absolutely.

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Like any thinking man, I take into consideration a constellation of factors before I dive in to bed with anyone. So if you really want to know whether I walk the talk, the answer is YES. Most of the time, anyway. Hey, I said I wasnt perfect! So if you want me to dispense with the professional advice and peek into my actual behavior, heres my personal blueprint for deciding what to do if I meet a poz guy Im attracted to: I Just Met Him And Know Itll Be A One-Night Stand: - No, I would not go down on him. - Yes, I would go home with him. Id rather trade hand-jobs with a hottie than go home alone and make my dog nervous. - es, I would let him go down on me (as long as I checked and made sure I didnt have any cuts or scratches on my dick). Weve Gone Out Several Times And Im Really Starting To Like Him: - Yes, I would go down on him. But not before checking for blisters, cuts or scratches in my mouth. I also wouldnt brush my teeth for a few hours beforehand. And needless to say, I wouldnt let him cum in my mouth. That would put my risk of infection at about, oh, ZERO.

Listen, guring out a code of personal behavior against the backdrop of this disease isnt easy. Its like dietingif youre too restrictive youll end up binging and getting fatter. If youre too permissive youll never lose weight. Let me leave you with a tip: Dont go home with anybody without asking them their status. You can up the odds of getting an honest answer if you preface it the way I do: Its not going to make a difference whether I go home with you or not but Id like to know your status.

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Question #10 Fuckable But Not Dateable

Im lonely as hell. Youd think having a few hot guys to fool around with would help but in the end I always feel worse than I started out. All these guys want to do is fuck. Every time I want to make a date its always, Oh, Im busy that night. But theyre never too busy to make a booty call. Theres Michael, the young and hung bisexual stud, Matt the underwear model and Bobby, the bottomless wonder (I swear Ive never fucked anyone so hard for so long and still he wants more). Mike, these guys are like cocaine. I keep going back because I know its there for me when I need to escape reality. Its a great rush, but when you come down, youre back where you started and you cant help but wonder whether you should have reached for the smack in the rst place. These guys think Im fuckable but not dateable and its really beginning to rip at my self-esteem. Am I doomed to having great sex that leaves me empty in the morning? Id trade all the hot fuckable guys for one average dateable one. How do I do it? -- Hot, horny & Lonely Dear Lonely: Youre learning what a French philosopher once said: One pearl is better than a necklace of potatoes. The thing is, youre looking for oysters in a potato farm. My guess is you better get yourself closer to the ocean. More on that later. First, I love the comparison between drugs and dick. Addicted or addickted, its just a matter of time before youre faced with every users dilemma is the momentary pleasure enough to overcome the consequences? Is the night before worth the morning after? Some people give up ecstasy because they cant handle the morning-after depression.

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Some people give up cocaine because of the impotence and some people give up this column because of the nausea. Wait, how did that get in there? Fucking editors. Anyway, remember this Sexual Commandment and youll avoid a lot of pain: because you can doesnt mean you should.* I learned that the hard way a few years ago when I was still in love with an ex-boyfriend. He didnt want to get back togetherhe just wanted to have sex. I was desperate for anything I could get from him, even if it was just a few hours in his bed. The pattern was always the samehot sex at night, cold shoulder the next day. The aching morning-after loneliness was building up dangerously but I kept ignoring it. One day I was playing racquetball. I wandered into an empty court, put my back against the wall and slid all the way to the oor in a burst of tears. When my butt hit the oor the 2x4 hit me over the head: I created this pain by choosing the actions that lead to it. I never slept with him again, though I wanted to. I nally understood that avoiding sex can be as healthy as having it. Like I once did, you are ignoring your pain and you will pay a heavy price for it. Pain is a signal that something is wrong. Pay attention to it. You need a sex sabbatical. Go two months without having sex, looking for it or responding to it. One exception: Doing three-ways with my favorite couple: Ben & Jerrys. Wont do much for your skin hunger but itll do wonders for your state of mind. During this temporary celibacy reect on your love life, talk to your friends, maybe even a shrink. You are making choices that lead to hurt and loss. Make new choices. Learn to say no to men who make you feel great at night and lousy during the day.
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*Just

Use your celibacy to plot a new love life. Dont be a victim of circumstances. If opportunity doesnt come a-knocking, build a door.

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