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Daily Scare: Corporate Cartel Seeks Reliable Maniac

The Daily Scare

Corporate Cartel Seeks Reliable Maniac


benefactors. Many of them feel that Libya had failed to deliver adequate service in terms of a threat scary enough to panic governments into paying MIC lots of money. Gadhafi , it is felt, failed to amass warlike hordes poised to invade Europe, or at least create the impression that he had. This caused a very real problem for his employers at MIC, the chilling prospect that orders for MICs lovingly crafted state-of-the-art weapons of mass genocide would dry up. This brought about Gadhafis removal from post through the normal channels, MICs Department of Carnage and Personnel, his notice handdelivered in the time-honoured manner by several thousand irate citizens. MIC, famous for winning many awards from governments such as the coveted Immunity from Prosecution, The Keys to the Exchequer, and The Queens Award for Economic Blackmail today issued a brief statement through its spokesperson, Joe Satan (15), head of its Department of Warmongering. The statement said, The performance of recent appointees to the Ruthless Dictator position has not justified the trust placed in them. Therefore we are looking for a new broom, someone with a fresh approach. We must avert the catastrophic prospect of running out of fear as that would cause a drastic decline in consumer demand for our products. If an epidemic of peace breaks out, jobs will be lost throughout the industry, thousands of shareholders will lose their Porsches and the economies of the United States and her Trans-Atlantic province, Great Britain, will be irreparably damaged. The plight facing the NATO charity exemplifies the problem with which the entire MIC conglomerate is struggling. An effective Ruthless Dictator (R.D.) competently fulfilling his (or her, as this is an equal opportunities position) duties is essential for the maintenance of healthy sales figures. Without an R.D. who can approach his job with flair and conviction, what marketing experts refer to as MIC's Unique Selling Position, ("We blow people up for their own good") will be compromised. If that happens, there is a real danger that the average taxpayer will become uncooperative about his (or her) role in supplying MIC with money. There is even the possibility that the unthinkable might happen and a lunatic fringe of no more than 80% of the population will start spreading crazy ideas about not killing people with whom they have no quarrel and have in fact never even met. Faced with such a scenario, the government may be forced to stretch limited resources to breaking point so
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Cartoon by Bob Stokes

Employment News by Stephen


Cook

The peace-loving corporate multi-national, MIC (Military Industrial Corporation) is urgently seeking to fill a vital executive position that unexpectedly became vacant when it accidentally caused a civil war in the previous incumbents country, a mishap that resulted in his untimely demise. MIC (motto: Delivering the payload 24/7) today announced that the successful appointee to this vital and varied role, which bears the title of Ruthless Dictator, will be primarily responsible for restoring morale to the MICs philanthropic arm, the NATO charity, by giving it a reason to exist and/or blow some people up. NATO is fresh from its benevolent work in Libya where it distributed to the needy generous quantities of munitions and high explosives and demolished a few unwanted towns and cities to make way for important bank loans to rebuild them again. But there are rumblings of discontent among its major

Daily Scare: Corporate Cartel Seeks Reliable Maniac

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as to deal with a pandemic of reasoned arguments before it gets out of hand. MIC may even be forced to think up another Unique Selling Position but in that regard is right out of ideas. It is notoriously difficult to think up good reasons for shifting stocks of WMDs before they are past their sell-by date. Indeed, not only MIC is jeopardised by this fear shortfall. Fear of external threat has been the keystone of successful governments for thousands of years, and a good excuse to kill some foreigners and dismember their children has always been a vital component of international diplomacy. Without these familiar tools, governments will not know what to do. They face the grim prospect of people wondering why they need them, of not being able to blame someone else or even being in a position of having to answer intelligent questions from their citizens and other enemies. It is generally felt within MIC and its public relations offices in the White House, Downing Street, Brussels and so forth that the rot set in with the late and sorely missed Soviet Union. Until the end of the highly profitable sales drive known as World War Two, the Ruthless Dictator position was filled by a number of highly qualified and very adept incumbents such as Messrs Stalin, Hitler and Mussolini. After the phasing out of Hitler

and Mussolini and the unfortunate death of Mr. Stalin, things have not quite been the same. The post-Stalin Soviet Union in particular let everybody down by embarrassingly collapsing suddenly in the face of a puff of wind just after billions of bank loans from the IDE (International Debt Emporium) had been spent setting it up and then propping it up when it threatened repeatedly to fall over - as a threat sufficient to place the entire planet on a permanent war footing. Thus ended something of a Golden Era (or Depleted Uranium Era as it is often called) for MIC and its partner, the World Debt Emporium, in which they had succeeded in persuading governments to run up vast debts so as to buy weaponry capable of wiping out the entire planet three times over, even when once would have been quite sufficient. Since then, MIC has cast about for a new Ruthless Dictator to provide the key fear factor and one or two more planets to absorb its WMD surplus. But results in both regards have been mediocre at best and the new target of being able to wipe out the Earth five times over has consequently been placed in jeopardy, thanks to a succession of extremely disappointing performances from subsequent appointees. Saddam Hussein, for instance, while he was quite good at murdering his own citizens, completely failed to amass armies on Europes borders. This was despite all the technical help and generous

financing lavished on him by his employers at MIC. He also neglected to build missiles capable of reaching further than Iran or which would not hit somewhere unimportant like Israel when aimed at Great Britain. This in turn caused embarrassment for certain Western politicians who told everybody he had. Hussein then went completely mad and invaded Kuwait without permission. This was something no-one could have foreseen a sadistic megalomaniac would do. Indeed, he had been dutifully slaughtering his own citizens and waging war on Iran in the normal way right up to the point where his behaviour became unpleasant. Consequently he had to be forcibly removed from his post. As any trainer of pit bulls will tell you, if it shows an inclination to slip its leash and turn on you, you have no choice but to put it down. Despite scant resources, Osama Bin Laden proved very adept at killing and, with the help of media PR campaigns, terrifying people the world over. But he too failed to convince people he had the capability of launching an invasion. While he did manage to boost sales in ancillary industries, such as surveillance equipment and the Homeland Security subsidiary, and enabled certain governments to curtail the rights of their citizens, he never provided a target that anyone could point lots of expensive missiles at. In the end, someone made the mistake of claiming that he had been killed and that finished him as a threat.
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Daily Scare: Corporate Cartel Seeks Reliable Maniac

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With Gadhafi in Libya also failing to terrify the western world, MIC is now seeking someone who will do the job properly. Various candidates are already being considered but the way is clear for any cheap politician who feels he can bring some creativity to the role to apply. Candidates should have the following qualities: must look swarthy and/or wooden must have own beard or moustache must not speak English and/or be able to ramble incoherently must be a dedicated psychopath willingness to murder own citizens and thus render them in need of protection is essential must be a supporter of psychiatry a psychiatrist himself or under treatment from a psychiatrist. Experienced psychiatric experts will be provided to advise him on the drugging of his citizens or the use of Electro Convulsive Torture (ECT), brain washing and mind control must be dim must be dictatorial must be ruthless must have some previous experience of politics, with proven skills in the arts of backstabbing, killing political opponents (or friends) and vote rigging an advantage. Candidates do not have to be presently in power in their country as all necessary help will be provided to get them

into power quickly once they are chosen for the Ruthless Dictator role. Possession of own weapons of mass destruction is also an advantage but not essential. High-interest loans to purchase these from MICs out-of-date stockpiles will be provided by the World Debt Emporium and can be repaid by taxes extracted from the successful candidates own citizens. Equally an advantage but not essential are familial or commercial ties with western business interests or banking or the possession of certificates proving that one is an asset of western intelligence agencies. The job offers considerable perks for the right person, including a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account held in escrow until one has successfully completed ones tenure. Tenure is usually for ten years, after which the successful candidates employers will assist his smooth transition into retirement by faking his death, referring him to a plastic surgeon, relocating him to a luxury villa in South America and ensuring he is never mentioned again. All applicants should apply in writing to The Safe House, Dead Letter Box 9, [address deleted for security reasons]. ______
In Tomorrows Daily Scare: North Koreas sinister refusal to build nuclear weapons a threat to Western warmongers says lunatic.... United Kingdom: Ministry of Predictions unveils plans to hire trained necromancer.......

Author Wins Award!

The award-winning photo

Writer Stephen Cook was last night given the coveted award of "Most Un-photogenic Man in the Universe" by the prestigious organisation "Photoshop Anonymous." (PA) In an exclusive interview Mr Cook removed the PA's honorary bag from his head and told reporters, "I am flattered by this award - at least more flattered than I am by my photograph - while at the same time inordinately depressed." The winning photograph of Mr Cook can be viewed on wanted posters all over the UK. More Articles by Stephen Cook

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About Stephen Cook


I am a professional writer and copywriter. I am also a columnist for The Sussex Newspaper and a published author. I have several published books and a newspaper column and have published several hundred articles under various pseudonyms. Profile