THE MYSTERY OF JACKSON AND JADE

Jades Story

Written By April Chelsea Mosley

The Mystery of Jackson and Jade !

Chapter One My name is Jade I'm laying in bed listening to the wind, looking at the moon and playing with myself trying to cum. I been talking big shit about cummin at school and to my friends but I ain't cum yet. I know if I have some privacy I could get it off. It's too many damn kids in this house and I ain't never alone. My foster mother is a mean cold ass bitch named Ella. Ella knows I'm too big to be sleeping in here with her three kids but she makes me even though social services don' told this bitch like a hundred times "Jade must have her own bed." I'm rubbing myself in real slow circles so I don't squeak the bed and I'm just biting my lip cause it's starting to feel good. All I can hear is the wind chimes outside the window, and I'm looking at the world map on the wall, cause I know I'm not the only one trying to cum in this big world. I keep thinking about this boy at school named Aaron imagining him rubbing instead of me. I first noticed him starring at me in Science. He wasn't even trying to be smooth about it or any thing, he just kept looking at me, licking his lips. It made me so uncomfortable I started shaking my foot. The corners of his mouth turned up a little like he knew he was making me nervous. I don't know why this made me laugh and then I just got pissed. Why do you keep looking at me? I mouthed. He shrugged his shoulders real cool like. What did that mean? Either he don't know, or maybe he wasn't looking at me. I laid my head down and hid from him. I couldn't help but smile. He was tall for fifteen, he grew like 6 inches over the summer. He never said much, but when he laughed he had a mouthful of pretty white teeth. You could tell his momma loved him, he was always dressed fresh to def, and he brought his lunch. He had this silver lunchbox that said "made in India" and it was always filled with healthy and exotic food, like chicken salads, sushi, or homemade peanut butter cups. How do his momma make homemade peanut butter cups? Then the other day I was walking home from school, I was walking real slow and looking at my feet when a black Mercedes stopped in front of me. I kept looking down until I heard "you have pretty eyes." I looked up and there was Aaron smiling at me with all of those pretty teeth. I couldn't even speak I just put my hand on my chest and looked at him. Then he said, Yes I'm talking about you Ms. Jade. I'm standing on the street, melting. "Come on man we got to go!" Aaron pointed at the loud ass driver who was a taller, thicker version of himself, "This is my brother Alex, he's a point guard, they've got a game tonight so we've got to move." I still could not speak so I whispered okay and looked back at the ground, then he says it, "Do you wanna come, I mean with my family to the game? " I can't, I got to be home by five. Lie. Aaron's brother laughed and said "I told you pretty girls only go for baller's, ain't that right." I smiled and shook my head as Aaron and Alex pulled off laughing. Making me laugh too. Not laughing at me, laughing with me. I kept thinking about that and playing with myself and I think I was maybe about to come and then...RING! RING! The goddamn house phone don' woke that foster bitch Ella up! She up, oh shit, lights is going on, she start screaming at the person on the phone. Is this you baby, is this a goddam joke, o thank you Jesus my prayers have been answered, baby, baby i love you I'm gon fuck you so good when I see you. Oh baby you got me screamThe Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 2

ing let me go in my room SLAM! she bangs her door shut. Why is this bitch screaming? She got to know that she can say the same shit on the low. Baby D starts waking up, of course, and guess who the momma is, ME. I got to change and feed him, to get him to maybe go back to sleep and that's if he don't wake up JoJo and Myra. This is some bullshit that I do not want to deal with. This is why I be sleepy as fuck at school. Whatever! I'm thinking I'm not gon' take it out on this baby though because I love him like he is my own. I start whispering to him that we gon change him and give him a bottle. Baby D relaxes in my arm and I change him, just as quiet.

Chapter Two
I always walk real, real slow on the way to way to school, I wasnt in no rush to get there and this the only time I get to be alone. I keep telling myself that being at Ellas isnt that bad, at least its better than at the group homes. They were always talking about its your own little family but everybody dont bond with everybody all like that. People steal your shit, put shit in your food, try to fight you or fuck you (although I been lucky because nobody tried that with me), or they religious and dont want you to be yourself. They think the Lord can save me from what don already happened, and they not all together they damn selves. Save me from what? The group home shit just do not work out. Oh Lord Im here. I walk into the building and Im already depressed, I just do not want to be in this mutha fucka, I didnt do my homework and Im sleepy as fuck. I go into my class and my teacher just look and shake her head and I dont care. I open my book to the state map in the back and stare down at it. I trace my fingers along California and off the page. I couldnt help it, and I yawned, so hard my eyes starting watering. My tears landed on the book right on the ocean part of the map, and I was reminded of why I dont cry, because Ive already cried an ocean of tears. I really just want to go back to sleep. I dont even remember when I drifted off, but I jumped when the bell rang, only to wake up to Kandi King in my face laughing and pointing at me. She is drooling. She looks at her friends and they laugh, she flipped her weave and got right in my face and said, Its okay we know its hard to get a good nights sleep in a group home At least she didnt say it out loud. I really want to punch this bitch in the face. Kandi King was one of those spoiled hood rich girls. Only child with two parents who worked hard and spent all they money on her. Kandi never wore the same outfit twice, had a bag to match every outfit, she had a laptop, iphone, a car and a driver. She dance and gets to miss school to go on auditions. She was out for two months last year because she was in a play in New York City. You would think with all of that she would be happy. Everybody be hanging on her bra strap and she love the attention. She used to go out with Aaron, but supposedly cheated on him with some rapper while she was in New York. She was always trying to get him back, but Aaron was a player and once she fucked up, there was no going back. I guess she pissed cause she heard he be looking and talkThe Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 3

ing to me. At my old school I would beat the brakes off this bitch, but not here. My caseworker would be on my ass and back to the group home or somewhere worse I go. I knew I didnt belong at this school but Ella housing assistance allowed her to live in a better school district and Im here. This is some real Bullshit. The line in the cafeteria is long as fuck and Im hungry. Thank God for the school lunch and everybody in the kitchen is fat, and they love to eat, so our food be good. My old school when I was in the group home had to have the state lunch program and that shit was nasty as fuck always tasting like foil and most of the food was half burned half cold and stuck to the thing it came in, and hungry ass kids including me would be gobbling that shit down, I didnt realize until I got to this school how nasty that shit was. This was a charter school and it had an organic farm with fruit trees and a vegetable garden and a chicken house. In ninth grade my first year with Ella they had put me in the Garden program to transition me into the school environment. I learned how an organic farm works and that they grew most of the food we ate, and even killed our own chickens. People from the country really know they shit about what make good food. I liked it alot because it didnt matter how I was dressed or if I looked dirty I fit in with the dirt. I fell in love with that farm shit a little too much and by the time tenth grade rolled around I was the dirty girl and that made me quit. I be seeing the organic farm teacher around and I just walk the other way, but I will eat they food though, it be good as what. Ella knows her ass cant cook. I wonder who that was on the phone last night, the only person she talk about like that is Bigga, Baby Ds daddy. He went in for trafficking, and pimping, which Ella knew he did the whole time they were together. She said she didnt sweat him on it, cause he kept her in money. If that was Bigga, hes out of jail. Shit Chapter Three The school lunch was cool but looking at Aaron eat his mothers homemade lunch always made me miss my own mother. The only thing my mother ever cooked up was crack, cocaine, baking soda and baby formula. She mixed up the batches when I was two and thats why they took me from her. She used to get to visit, but that stopped after awhile, its like she forgot, or gave up, or just let go. I wish I knew where she was. My mother taught me so much, like how to read a map, and told me that if I was ever lost I could use a map to find my way anywhere. We used to use a map wherever we went and she showed me how the real world looks on a page. She never told me how to use a map to find her if she got lost. If I had known that the last time I saw her was gon be it, I would have held on a little, no a lot longer, no fuck that I would have made her take me too. I been thinking I want to run away but where the fuck would I go. My friend Sugar, who aint been in school since 8th grade live in these streets, she always talking about how I could be rolling dough if I sold some shit like drugs or my body. She thinks that shit is funny as hell. She got a pimp and everything and she supposed to be in the tenth grade. We were in my second to last group home with some crazy ass bitches. It was like The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 4

a detention home halfway house, but it was all the way Krazy! Sugar and me was like the only two there that was halfway normal. She used to make me feel good about myself cause I still had my mother around, and hers had been cut into pieces in East Oakland while she was pregnant with Sugar, but somehow Sugar made it out alive. She came into the world with this crazy shit and she said I was lucky cause I had some time with my mother. Im not going straight back to Ellas cause I need to look for Sugar. She keep begging me to sneak out, swearing she gon have my back, swearing its gon be the best night of my life. I got to go see the guidance counselor and then I can leave! Guidance counselor lady aint that bad, she got chocolates and her office smells nice, its clean and organized the way I like things to be. She has her map on the wall in a frame. I like the idea of framing a map. I hope someday Ill have that kind of art on my walls. Shes real real pretty and she keeps smiling at me and saying a girl like you could and a girl with your this and a girl with your that. She makes me feel like there is a chance for me in this world if only I find the magic key, and then she hands me a journal! Talking about write down what you feel, write down what you think, and dont worry about the spelling or the grammar or curse words, just write because no one is judging it. Then she says the funniest thing, she says I should try and keep it with me at all times, and if I cant then hide it. I just thought that was real funny. I wondered how she knew that the one thing I was worried about was somebody else reading what I wrote? I stuffed that journal in my backpack and half walked half ran from the building. Give us Free! Ella had been watching Amistad! on tv and I understood those brothers words more than anything, I bet they got on that ship and they was sailing and rowing and probably pushing the boat and kicking trying to get the fuck away from them people. Slavery was a muthar fucka and I love how they try and act like that shit dont still exist. I know for a fucking fact that I am Ellas slave and she is a slave to Social Services, and my caseworker is a slave to the government, she even look like a slave, cheap raggedy ass clothes, and her feet all fucked up in some run over shoes. Whole damn thing is a mess, and here I am at the bottom of that mess. I realize Im a safe distance from the school and I can relax. Im thinking I should just head to Cypress to look for Sugar, cause its daytime and she aint working the strip til after dark. Just when I turn down Cypress here her crazy ass come looking fly and fucked up all at the same time. I ask her what the fuck happened and she spills it. Girl I got beat up and busted, punched, Laced (her pimp) got busted and girl do you know who is in yo HOUSE!! Sugar doesnt even stop to take a breath when she talk, shes always saying thats how she sucks dick too. Girllll Bigga got out last night, that nucka is sexy as fuck, pretty as fuck, and dangerous as a mutha fucka for real tho, that nucka is a mutha fuckin beast in these streets, and that nucka is fuckin yo foster mother, that means you gon get fucked, all them kids she got might get fucked ova, by the system that is, that nucka aint no molester, but he is a mutha fuckin pervert. Im just saying he aint bout to try and fuck on them little ass kids, but you bitch, You gon get fucked!!!!! The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 5

Hahahahahahahahah Sugar laughing so hard and she aint even trying to be mean, she just be telling the truth. Chapter Four Ella is a drunk bitch thats what they said about her as far back as the tenth grade, and that shit was true. She used to get up, get drunk, go to school, and be a bitch. But, she was a pretty bitch, with nice skin, long hair, full lips, and a tight ass, so boys loved her. Now let her tell it, that was the past, and now shes a Christian, and she has washed her sins in the blood of the lamb, and she washes them repeatedly until she is all clean. It started with her getting her home and children under the guidance of Christ. Then she was able to parlay what she is good at, which she thinks is mothering, into a career as a counselor and foster mother. Its a tricky system, but she manages to get two checks, clothing vouchers, furniture vouchers, food vouchers, WIC, and food stamps, for her and her children. She says that after Bigga went off to jail, she had to find a way to support them all by herself. She says that the last thing Bigga said to her was its a good thing we aint really married, youll have an easier time to get on the system. He was right. Now I got to go home, to what, I dont know. Oh my god. I begged Sugar to go with me, she finally said yes but only if I promised to sneak out tonight. I cannot go to that house alone I know that, I guess sneaking out seems worth it. Sugar is smoking a mild, and I cant stand the smell, plus Im nervous so I think I gotta throw up. I start running to get away from the smell. Sugar is running, smoking, and laughing at me. We get to the house and ease up on the porch. I tell Sugar to stay out here and let me see if Ella is home first. Next thing I know Ella is out the door and on the porch in my face! You shouldnt be sneaking people in my house she snapped. I told her we was gon do homework. Ella takes one look at Sugar and starts laughing her head off. HOMEWORK! I ask her if I can go to the library, and she tells me I got too many jokes today. Tell your little friend to wait outside, and then she motions for me to follow. She closes the door on Sugar and turns to me. So I know you understand how the system works, if they find out Bigga is here, there is going to be trouble for everyone, but especially for you. No one is taking in 15 year olds, its straight to the group home for you I tell this bitch Im not gon tell anyone if thats what shes worried about. Matter fact thats enough of this shit, I move out of her face, and ask can I go now, with the last of my politeness. She says no, she got to show me something first. We walk up the hallway and she opens the door to her dusty fake ass sewing room. Shes got piles of fabric and craft materials in plastic bags. She tells me to take out the garbage and sweep and mop, and dont touch her paint or her sewing machine. Why do I have to clean this I ask her, she says its my new ROOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can thank Bigga for this, he dont want you to sleep in the room with the kids, Youll still get up if the baby wakes up and I dont hear him. Im shaking my head and The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 6

nodding yes at whatever this bitch is saying right now, cause I got my own ROOM! Soon as Ella head out I run outside to Sugar. Im dancing on the porch and she looks at me and starts dancing too. Hay! She asks why we dancing, and Im telling her that the fake ass sewing room is now mines. She moves in for the kill. Good she says thatll make it easier for me to sneak out tonight. She asks which window is mine, and we walk to the back so she can see it. I ask her where we going, she say they call it the track but OGs call it the boulevard Its really International Boulevard, East Oakland finest pimps, hoes, johns and nuckas come out to play Sugar is so happy and excited, its like she is addicted to the shit. Girl we be getting buck out there, its parties in like 20 different spots, and the shit you like, food, drank, it be fights, ghost riding, you could do your little dancing thing, your little singing thing, You would bust they mutha fuckin heads wide the fuck open, with that shit. All them mutha fuckas would be trying to pimp you. You would be a high bid bitch fosho, aint nothing else like you around here. Plus Im telling you girl that mutha fuckin Bigga, he gon pimp yo ass. You still got time to maybe get a Romeo at least, You gotta take charge of your own destiny, dont let no Guerilla Pimp get you first. Bigga is a gangster, but you lucky, if it was Laced that mutha fucka would of beat my ass the first night, fucked me, and then made me hit the street. The only reason he didnt is cause I showed I knew the game. I might be dead or something, like my mother. None of what Sugar saying is sounding like fun to me and I dont want no pimp, what the fuck is the girl saying, I cant even believe the shit she be talking, like thats all there is. But she did me a favor and I know if I dont go out at least once, shes going to feel like she cant trust me. I try and weasel out of it. First I say I cant cause Ella said if the baby wakes up I got to get up with him if she dont hear. Sugar says if Im not there Ella gon hear him. Good point. Then I remind Sugar that she never answers her phone after sundown. She says its because shes working. She promises shes going to answer. She pulls out her cell phone, its all bedazzled with a glittery S for Sugar on the back. She was so proud of that phone cover, cause it was like the last arts and crafts school type thing she did, before she got in the life. Even if she loses the phone shes never gone lose the cover. That glittery S was the last piece of her childhood. I point to my hair and shake my head, cause its a hot mess. Sugar says brush it to the back put some gel on it. SOME GEL, not the whole fucking jar! She tells me to tie it down with a scarf while I put my clothes on, then put a little oil on the sides where the gel is. Dont wear the scarf, and she tells me to wear some earrings, but not dangly ones, bitches like to snatch them off. What have I gotten myself into? Chapter Five Cypress Village is a trip its one way in the morning, when its bright and early the sun rises over the street. Its always quiet except for one neighbor lady, Ms. Gwen who is spraying down her yard with water. When I leave Ellas house in the morning I always run until I reach Ms. Gwens yard. On a good day Sugar comes and picks me up and we grab a milk crate from the corner store and Sugar will do my hair. By the time nightfall, its a whole different story. In the daytime, Cypress Street is a quiet, what they call, residential neighborhood. But Cypress Village! Cypress Village is this street, and the CyThe Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 7

press Village Projects, and its all in the middle of 1 and 2 family homes. Ella got a house and a yard, and an address lottery ticket that sends me to that charter school. Thats why she thinks she the shit around here. But everyone knows if you take one step outside Cypress Village or this house block or hit the boulevard, its parked cars with running engines and lights off and for those that dont know thats ho territory. I ease back into the house and try to pass the kitchen before they see me. Ella catches me. Jade, the dishes. I walk past him and for the third time since I came in I pretend like I dont, wont, and cant see him. Ella is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking, and watching TV. Shes doing that thing where she talks to the program like they can hear her! I just shake my damn head and start washing. Im trying my damndest, not to laugh, but Ella is drinking in front of me, and she sloshing and spilling drank on the floor, wasting it. Bigga has been sitting at the table this whole time watching TV too, and scrolling through an old ass cell phone. Ellas drunk ass starts working his nerves, and for the first time I hear him speak. Ella sit yo drunk ass down, or go to the bedroom with that shit. Then he looks at me, and SMILES! OH HELL NO!!! I sure as hell dont expect that, or for him to say Nobody want to see that shit, Ella, You see the girl is cleaning up, yo drunk ass aint helping, and you spilling shit. Im looking at Bigga and smiling and rolling my eyes at Ella. Bigga sits up and grabs Ella. He bounces Ella around on his lap to the beat of the music. He spanks her on the ass encouraging her to dance. Ella whips her hair and really starts to get into it, and doing her fake professional dancer face, which is closed purple and green eye shadowy dazed look and her stripper hair whip move. Patheitic I keep washing dishes, but Im watching them out the corner of my eye. Bigga says Gon dance for me video hoe, you know you missed your true calling. I cant take it on that one, I turn around and bust up laughing, over them dishes. Im about to choke on my own joyful noise, when Ella stop and turn on me. SHUT UP BITCH AND WASH THE FUCKING DISHES! Bigga jumps up and is all in Ella face, NO, YOU SHUT UP BITCH, APOLGOIZE! Bigga gripping Ella arm and I can see the blood flowing to her arm, neck and face, he holding it so hard. Ella screaming Let me Go! Bigga looking at me but yelling at Ella, No, not until you apologize to her, I told you I dont like that shit, my stepmother, used to pull that shit, I was scrubbing stoves and cleaning up my little brothers shit and throw up, and her ass is still screaming at me, disrespecting me and shit! You too goddamn lazy to clean up yo own damn kitchen AND you cant respect the one person who is! Thats that foul shit you be on! Im straight frozen at the sink, not sure what Bigga bout to do. Ella is looking scared, and drunk. Her words are slurred but she actually begins to whine, and says Jade Im sorry, but Bigga Im the grown up she shouldnt be laughing at me. Bigga pulls Ella down on his lap holding her drunk ass like a baby. Like a fucking baby! You the grown up! Then act like one. You got kids in the other room and you out here getting drunk and talking shit! Bigga lets go of Ella and smiles and licks his lips. Ella is looking at me and then she starts crying like a baby. Bigga picks up Ella and cradles her. Bigga is looking at me and biting Ellas ear! Ella falls limp as fuck in his arms, wraps her arms around his neck and clinging to him, they head The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 8

to the bedroom. Bigga pushes the door to the room, but it doesnt close all the way. My legs are locked and I cannot move just like I cant help but stare through the crack of the door. I can see Ella face, and his on top of hers. Bigga turns her head from the door and starts on her ear and very slowly her head and neck start rocking first up then down. Bigga turns, locks eyes with me and hes smiling. My legs become unglued and I RUN. Chapter Six Im running, but not that far. Three seconds into my bolt I remember, that I have a room, and I run to it! Lock the door. Sit on the bed. I tell myself to remember, Ella is going to do everything she can to hold onto that man. I realize that Sugar is right I have to take charge of my own destiny. Oh my god, I do not know what to do, or what I want to do, or where to go, or what to think, but I got to do something, and I got to do it tonight, otherwise Im gon be getting my ear bit next, and uhhhh! I do not want him biting my ear. Im laying back on my new bed and breathing. Woo, Sa! I realize that Im breathing in dust. Its tickling my nose and making me sneeze, making my nose run, and making me itch. I dont need Ella to tell me to clean this room, I want to clean it, I want to live comfortably in here. I love when that feeling comes over me, and I want to do something, because I want to, not because somebody is telling me or making me or showing me. When that feeling comes over me and I want to do something, amazing things happen. I sit up and really look around this room. Ella has a stack of half painted canvases, and on the dresser are bottles and bottles of creams, shampoo, conditioners, lotions, oils, and sewing boxes of threads, buttons, and bags of fabric. She got baskets and baskets of hair care products. I look at each and every canvas, and half painted or not, if I hang it on the walls, at least Ill have room on the floor. I decide that its art and lean each one against a different place on the wall. Tomorrow Im going to find a hook for each one and put them up on the wall. There is a big brown dresser that Ella is always calling ugly. It is dusty but its pretty. Its brown, but its real cherry wood. Somebody, somewhere took the time to carve flowers, and little spirals, and shapes into each drawer. Its really heavy and glossy. I like furniture like this, it doesnt shake and its sturdy and lasts a long time. The garden teacher called this type of furniture classic vintage. I liked how she said that because she showed me how a lot of the things that I thought were old, were valuable to some people. I start to move and separate everything that goes together. I put the hair care products right next to the mirror, and close to a plug. Ella has a whole basket of maps from all over the world. I know that shes never been to most of these places, she just probably wants to. Kenya, South Africa, Italy, Spain, Paris. She has local ones two like Palm Springs, San Diego, Napa, and Los Angeles. I take the Oakland and San Francisco ones for myself and tuck them in my little red backpack. I put all of the sewing things up on top of the big brown dresser. Its high and since I wont need to reach it often, I think its a good place for it. After I move all of the sewing stuff I see baskets of jewelry, earrings, necklaces, bracelets and scarves. Score

The Mystery of Jackson and Jade !

I carefully and quietly open each drawer to check out the merchandise. I feel like Im shopping, I dont know why Im trying so hard to be quiet, Ella probably still getting bit up in there, that or she sleep. That makes me wonder where Bigga is at. Glad the kids quiet. They so used to sleeping all day and staying up all night. Ella got so many clothes in here with the tags still on them its crazy. Im feeling better about sneaking out especially now that I got a choice of three outfits. I try on each one until I find something thats tight. I match up jewelry and earrings and then hide the outfits all the way back, in the closet. I settle on short, short jean shorts, black tights, converse tennis shoes and a black and white belly shirt with a short black jacket with gold buttons. Im going to rock all the fake gold and black jewelry and bracelets. She got so much in these baskets and drawers she aint never gon miss this stuff. I keep cleaning until the room is dust-free, organized, and smelling sweet. When I finish I look around at my work and Im feeling satisfied. It actually looks like it could be a real girls room in her real house. One day Im going to have my own house, with my own money, and it aint gon matter how big or small it is, all thats gon matter, is that its mine. Ive been replaying Sugars words in my head all night. How much fun this is gon be, and how many guys was gon try and get at me, once they see me do my thing. Ive only been to two parties, one weak ass Christmas party at the group home, and one party with a friend from school when I was in the sixth grade. Sugar said there was gon be at least 20 different party spots. I always hear people talking about the boulevard like its all that. Even the rich kids at the school, think its hot shit to get invited to a party on the boulevard. Its they little taste of danger. I keep convincing myself that any chance to rap, dance, or sing is gon be worth all the trouble it takes and might make just to go out tonight. I start to work on my hair. First I try the electric curlers, then the flat irons, then sponge rollers, no good on this short chopped up mess. I start trying to use the holding spray, then the hairpins, finally I plug in the electric straightening comb and burn the shit out of my ears. The end result is a fried burnt mess on my head. Sugar was right, but to do what she said, Im gon need to wet my hair first. Shit I decide to ease into the bathroom. I listen at my door for a good five minutes before I unlock it. The click of the lock sounds so loud and Im getting pissed at myself for feeling scared. I pull up all my courage and head to the bathroom, its quiet and Ella door is finally closed. Thank you God I lock the bathroom door and almost pee on myself trying to sit on the toilet. I didnt even realize I had been holding it. Im feeling myself and decide Im taking a shower and Im trying to be in and out before somebody knock on the door. The water seem so loud, but I know that outside the door it just sounds like water, not like the raging river it sounds like in here. I jump in and wet my hair and use some of Ellas sacred shower gel that she accidentally forgot to lock up in her room. Somebody is always rushing me or knocking on the door, when I try to clean myself. I used to take the nicest longest showers at the gym at school, until Kandi ran up on me trying to learn how to shave my underarms in the shower. She scared me so bad, I cut myself, I was bleeding, and boy did she make a big ass stink about the whole thing. She actually asked The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 10

the principle to replace the shower tile. She brought a pink little spray bottle of bleach to school and would spray down the shower, before her Highness could take one. I never actually saw her do this, but people made sure they told me. I finish up and get out, dry the bathroom up so I dont have to hear Ellas mouth, and listen at the door for another five minutes before I unlock it. I want to put my clothes back on to go to the room, but they dirty and Im clean. I want to just walk to the room with my towel on and not run into Ella, Bigga, or they kids on the way. Please God. Its quiet out here but I dont trust it, so I book. Lock the door, sit on the bed and breathe. Look around and make sure none of them are in the room. Theyre not, Breathe. I put the gel on my hair just like Sugar said and I tie it down. I take my time and put on lotion, deodorant, and my fly ass outfit. Its still all quiet and I cannot believe Im actually about to do this, but next thing I know Im turning out my light and looking around this room, cause this could be the last time I see it, but Im going out tonight. I ease open the window, and slide out until my feet are touching the ground. I close the window, and turn around but hes blocking the path. BIGGA Chapter Seven Bigga scared the shit out of me, but I dont scream. Instead I get mad. Pissed I mean why the hell should I be afraid? If he thinks he is about to just throw me down and take it, hes in for a fucking fight. I cut around his ass but I dont run. I can tell he just like a dog, if I run or show fear, he will be up to chasing. Instead I walk away quickly but making a lot of noise. Cause the one thing I know he wants even more than me is for Ella not to wake up and catch him all up on me. I think about turning back around and going in the house, but fuck that. I told Sugar Im coming out, and Im going! Calm you little ass down, where you going? Bigga tries to coax me dangling a set of car keys in my face. Ill drive you. I keep walking and ignoring him. Im getting less and less afraid the further I get from the house, and see more folks out. He just got out of jail, so Im pretty sure he aint about to pull no violent move or nothing. Plus if what Sugar said is true, he gon try and see what he can get out of me before he try and fuck me up. I take this information for fact and use it. I stick my nose in the air and keep walking like he stinks, cause he does. Bigga stops following me and I dont even bother to turn around and see what hes doing, I keep walking toward the boulevard, looking for Sugar. Suddenly Bigga pull up and I cut through the mini park so he cant follow me. I hear him saying something like, okay shorty, I meant to say do you want a ride? Hell Naw! Ill let you drive! I stop and turn around. Now how he know the one thing to say to get me to turn around. Damn I want to learn to drive, so I walk back towards him and as I do he drops to his knees and holds out the keys like we playing fetch. I tell him Im never getting in a car with him. Bigga is holding his head down like he hurt. Yeah right. I tell him again that Im not getting in a car with him and that I know what he on. Bigga grabs his heart and fakes like he having an attack. I test him to see if he real. I tell him I The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 11

want to drive, hold the keys while were there, and drive back. In one swift move he stands up, grabs my wrists, and gets in my face, hes like Fuck that, we going back to the house and you can tell that shit to Ella. I snatch away and call his bluff. He knows we cant tell her ass nothing, cause she drunk and asleep. I deliver this news, turn around, and walk away. You a scared little hoe, he calls after me. I turn around cause now Im really pissed. So I let him know I know his position. He just got out of jail, smoking weed, and chasing little girls, and living in a house where he aint even supposed to be, dumb ass. Sure enough, he backs down with the quickness, cause we both know one phone call we both get screwed, they might put me back in a group home, but Bigga, he would go back to jail. Why cant he figure it out, we almost need each other. He softens up and says Shorty I just want to be on your arm when you walk into the spot, even if them brothers just think Im hitting it, thats enough for me. Yuck he almost had me to the end. I turn around disgusted and walk away. He flips again, Get in the mutha fuckin car hoe, its either that dick in the street that you dont know, or the dick you got at home. Okay if those are my options then its easy. I look up and here comes the bright beautiful bus, It stops, I get on it and I dont look back. I sit down on the bus and my heart is beating so fast, I dont know what to do. I cannot believe that I just talked to him like that. I was so scared and I know he knows. I think the only reason hes not trying to take it right there is because other people were around. Im thinking that if hes out here chasing me and Ellas drunk and sleep who gon hear the kids if they wake up. I try not to get sick or think of them as my responsibility, but I know how it feels to wake up and no one is there to comfort you. Kind of like the same feeling I have right now, cause I just woke up out of a nightmare with Bigga and theres nobody here to help me, or tell me what to do, and I know its not just gon be okay without some help. The further the bus rolls, the better I feel about being out. My life is getting so far out of my fucking control. I thought it was bad when I was in group, or when I was in other foster homes, but its like the older I get, the worse it gets. I keep waiting for 18, but how is that gon be better. Im gon be too old for the homes and too broke to be on my own. I think about college but I dont have any money, and lately Im always too fucking busy to do my homework and too fucking sleepy to pay attention in class. I try not to think about it and just focus on where Im getting off. You can hear International Boulevard before you get to it. Cars honking, screaming, radios blaring off of peoples porches. When I get off the bus I smell it. Food! OMG, real food, open air carts, street food the kind thats hot, greasy and fresh made on the spot. I come up on the corner where Sugar said she would meet me. People keep passing and I keep asking them can I use they cell phone, people keep saying no, but I see this motherly type and I know shell let me. I tell her that my sister is late and can I please call her. I pray Sugar answer the phone and of course she doesnt. I leave her a message and tell her where Im at, thank the lady and try to look like I belong out here, until some guys in a car stop and honk, like come on get in. I go back to looking like I dont belong. Im waiting for what seems like forever when a pimped out Cadillac pulls up across the street and Sugar The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 12

sticks her head out the window and starts screaming my name. Her hair is wild and free flowing and she is half flying out of the car, freakin a mild and laughing her ass off. The caddy stops in the middle of the street and Sugar waves for me to cross to the middle and get in. I make it across the street but not before almost getting hit twice. Sugar screams and hugs me so tight, I almost cry. I cannot remember the last time somebody hugged me. Aaaaaah you came, you came! Hahahahahahahahah! The driver of the car yells at Sugar to come on and get in. Im starting to feel like everything is gon be okay, we jump in the back seat, my smile is frozen as I sit down in the seat and realize, that to my left our driver is Sugars pimp Laced, and to my right is Bigga. Damn

Chapter Eight Calm yo ass down. Laced tells Sugar. Bigga dont even turn around, but Sugar sits back and puts her fingers to her lips, for me to shush. Shes holding her glittered S phone, and she starts popping her shoulders getting excited to turn the phone off. The light on the phone goes off and she turns over the phone and the glittery S lights up the back seat. She takes out a mild and starts freakin it. I look at her like please dont light that up in here. She turns her lips sideways and puts it away and takes out a little piece of weed instead. She smiles and crumbles it on top of that glittery S, giving me her are you happy look and I am. I sit back and try to relax. Sugar looks me up and down and checks my hair. She gives me the thumbs up. She reaches in her bag for a blunt wrap. I dont know how or why all that spit is necessary, but Im grossed out so I look away. We so quiet back there they finally forget about us up front and they start talking. Bigga asked Laced where we going, and Laced tells him Bumps. Oh no, Not Bumps! I aint never heard Laced say more than about 10 words and its usually only three or four words at a time, like come here bitch or calm yo ass down and Imma fuck you up. Now he starts talking and Im surprised at how he sounds like a normal businessman. Back in the day Bumps was a bar-be-que spot during the day and a club at night. Even I knew old man Bumps was the man of the neighborhood. When I was little my mother would take me in his restaurant and he was always cool to her no matter what. I know that he gave her money once or twice too. I really remember him because old man Bumps was at every event in the neighborhood with food, money, and his family. I seen him at my school almost every year in elementary school, and he was always at all the festivals that the social worker or the group home would drag us too, and I even saw him at the hospital one time. The thing I remember most is his family. Old Bumps was always talking about family and knowing whom people were. He taught us kids how to understand who was who in your family, by telling us who was who in his own family. Old man Bumps had a wife and three daughters, two grand daughters, and one great grand daughter, and they were always smiling, serving up food, and handing out stuff, The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 13

like backpacks or whatever. It was his great grand daughter I remember most. One time, me and my mother came in Bumps, and his great grand-daughter was sitting up on the counter next to the cash register. She had on a little blue and white hat and dress to match, eating a plate of French Fries. Laced is telling Bigga all the changes they made to the place while he was in jail. Man, since you been up we been putting in work. Its not the same old Bumps, we got a pool table, full bar, DJ, flat screens, satellite, we still serving food. I bought the place about two years ago, you looking at the new Bump. I told you I been putting in work. I can tell these two go way back, and Laced owns the club, but there is no way that Laced is the new Old man Bumps, NOT. AT. ALL. Laced and Bigga laugh and they passing they blunt back and forth driving us over to the club. The night is warm and the lights on the boulevard are so bright, a part of me feels so excited about being out and hanging with my homegirl and then I look in the front and realize that Im with my homegirls pimp, and my foster mother baby daddy and all the excitement turns to doom. All my happiness always comes with some fucked up shit. We pull up in front of Bumps and Im expecting a nightclub with some lights, or limos, or some shit like that, and its just the same hole in the wall spot, with a little ass sign. The front door is blackened, we pull up into the back and Laced and Bigga get out, they ignore us and walk around to the front. Sugar, pushes up the back seat and we jump out, Sugar takes me to a corner of the back parking lot and lights up her weed, she hits it and offers it to me. I take a little toke til my head gets light and I start giggling. Suddenly Laced and Bigga come around to the back and motion for us to follow. Sugar grabs my hand and we run over. I dont look at Bigga and he dont look at me, he trying to act all hard, like he dont see me and like he wasnt on his knees not even an hour ago begging me to ride with him. Sugar looks at me and says Okay girl get ready. We walk into the backdoor of Bumps and Sugar pulls back a black velvet curtain. Me and Sugar walk in one direction and Laced and Bigga in the other. Its just like Laced described it but with a sweaty rowdy crowd of people dancing in the middle. I see they passing a mic around too! Sugar was right, people keep taking the mic and dropping weak ass rhymes over of a bumping ass bass beat. Brothers is looking at me too, checking out my fit and looking me up and down and smiling. I was checking the scene so hard I didnt notice Sugar holding drinks, but she pushes one into my hand. I sniff the drink, Sugar look at me hollering SCOTCH! I have never even heard the word scotch except when its tape. Sugar still yelling, NO HANGOVER AND NO HEADACHE! I sip it down fast and my shit start burning like fire. Sugar like Hell yeah, thats my girl she mumbles something I cant hear her, and she starts yelling again, YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE? I look at Sugar and shake my head no, she knows what I really want. I jump off the steps and hit the dance floor. When I move, its like magic. I cant hear nobody else or see them, but they can see me. I move like an expert, and I know how to be seductive. This jacket getting tossed, and my belly shirt can ride up cause my shit is flat and tight. It only takes about two minutes for the crowd to be moving around me. I see a selection of admirers, and haters. I focus on the love and break shit down to the floor and back up, all to the delight of my new The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 14

fans. Theres one guy dropping one punk ass rhyme after another on the microphone, sounding like a dummy. People think that Tupac, Biggie, Nas, and JayZ are the best rappers ever, but what people my age dont know is that what made them the coldest is that they all had mommas who insisted that they read, thats why they lyrics and rhymes was mind blowing. My life might be fucked up, be I read. Punk Ass Rhymes still spitting and he start standing next to me, like Im his video hoe. I let him in real close and start lightweight grinding on him, getting him excited and the crowd hyped. When I think I got them on my side, I start slowing down and eyeballing that mic like a hungry dog. Then I start dancing like a robot, just like his delivery sounds to me. I get in his face like this and the crowd starts laughing at homeboy, and he start messing up his lines. Its a wrap for this fool and I hold my hands out for the mic. He passes that shit and I let loose. First I hit a bluesy soulful note like Im Mary J. Blige and Nina Simone. The whole place freezes for a second as I let my whole voice fly, the voice I cant use at school, the voice I cant use at Ellas, the voice I cant use to call my mother. I let that voice fill up Bumps, I look over at Sugar and she is actually crying! My heart jumps in my throat and I cap that note out letting the crowd catch their breath. I turn my attention to Punk Ass Rhymes and go in. I whoop up on his whole style, clothes, and the crew he with. By the time I finish, people laughing, clapping, crying, and falling the fuck out. I drop the mic back in his hand and ease away on the dance floor, fully feeling my fucking self right now. Only thing is Punk Ass Rhymes dont get it and he pass the mic to somebody else and he is still following me around the club. Now he aint just following he pulling and tugging on Ella clothes and one of my necklaces is still in his hand as I push him out of my way. Punk Ass Rhymes falls into another boy on the dance floor and its on now. Everybody start wildin out. Sugar is at my side and is pulling my hand and we head back toward the black velvet curtain. Security is on top of everyone within seconds, Laced pops up out of nowhere and he grab Sugar up and they disappear, she looking back at me mouthing Im sorry She getting pulled so far away from me, and suddenly somebody is pulling me. I look at my hand and see Biggas hand in it. I start to snatch it but the truth is I dont have any place else or anyone else to go with. I let him take my hand and I follow. The sound of the fight gets further and further away as Bigga leads us to a back room studio. The studio is the most elaborate that I have ever seen. The design is dark black velvet with bright red furniture and white pillows. I cant lie I am impressed, but try not to show it. Im standing there mesmerized when Bigga takes my hand and leads me into the booth. Bigga puts a set of headphones on my ears and he walks back out of the booth and over to the sound board and clicks some buttons and the whole studio starts to light up. The music sounds so good to me, I cant help but to dance in the booth. Bigga comes back inside and closes the door behind him. Next thing I know he is behind me, he puts his hands around my waist and starts to kiss my neck. I take the headphones off of one side, and he starts to kiss my ear. My whole body is shivering, and Im licking my lips and trying to speak. Bigga puts his finger on my lips and whispers shhhhhh in my ear. He starts talking to me in whisper. Alright little lamb its either out there with the wolves or in here with me. I finally manage to speak up, and ask him about Ella. What about her, you want me to call her? My whole body is shaking so bad, my knees are wobbling and hitting against his legs, which feel big and strong. I start whispering no, and whimpering, Im crying like a little kid although my fear is mixed with other feelings of warmth. Bigga keeps kissing and caressing me. His The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 15

hands move from my waist and up under my shirt. He starts rubbing and massaging me under the bra. Im crying hard, but so quietly and it dont stop him. I hear him unbutton his pants, and he presses me against the wall of the booth. I close my eyes and my tears are wetting up my face, neck and shirt, he dont stop though, and I start crying harder cause I realize I dont want him to. Is he raping me? Everybody always says that rape is violent and that a stranger throws you down and rips off your clothes. They lie, sometimes, when you are lonely, a rapist can seduce you nice and slow making you think you want it, making you feel something like you love it. My virginity is gone for good and I still aint cum. Chapter Nine I dont remember how I got home. I dont remember how I ended up in bed. I do know that Ella didnt catch me come in. I know that I rode home with Bigga, but everything from last night is coming in flashes and waves. The only thing I can keep straight is that I am not a virgin anymore and that Bigga took it, and that he is expecting something from me that I cant give him. Im not meant to be a hoe, I dont think any girl is. The problem is Bigga expecting me to, no money, my life, this block, this world. Its like everything around me is making me do this. I dont remember how I got dressed, but Im sitting here ready for school. Ella had so many watches in the jewelry basket so I borrowed one to keep track of time. I know that I have a short amount of time to make something happen for myself before something happens to me. Im hoping Sugar had a easy night and can come and do my hair. All of a sudden I hear Ella screaming my name. JADE, JADE! I grab my backpack, jump out the window, close the curtain, ease the window close. Run Im running til I get to Ms. Gwens house. Lately Ms. Gwen has been leaving the milk crate me and Sugar bring. It makes me feel like she thinks about me and doesnt mind that we sit out in front of her house. No Sugar this morning, so Im wearing a scarf. Im putting it on and watching Ms. Gwen tend to her flowers. I put the crate back against the fence and walk to the school. School is a blur for me. A haze of watching what other people with normal lives look like at school. Hair done, they own clothes, cheerleading practice, garden club, playing the radio in their own car, homemade lunches from mom. Im walking to Ellas house slower than usual. I dont want to look retarded so I just walk when cars go by, stop when there are none. Car slowing down, Bigga is talking to me, no telling me, Get in the goddamn car! He scared me so bad and I dont want a scene, so I get in the car. He says he want to take me, somewhere. Shopping. Bigga asks me If Ive ever had a boyfriend before. I just shake my head no, because I dont want to talk to him, at all. Anybody ever took you shopping? I cant stop from laughing and smiling, cause I think he is actually serious and driving toward the plaza. No one has ever taken me shopping. Im starting to feel relaxed and that made me remember I hadnt seen Sugar all day. I take a chance and ask Bigga if I can use his phone. He reaches in his The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 16

pocket and passes it to me. Sugar was right I have to get what I can from him, and the first thing I want to find is Sugar, let her know what happened last night and see what she thinks I should do. I ask Bigga if he seen Sugar and he says Who? like we werent all in the same car last night. Show how much anybody cares about her. I dial her number but only get voicemail. I ask him again and remind him that we were together last night. Bigga says thats the last time he saw her. He eases into a parking spot and we get out of the car. He asks me is Sugar is my girlfriend, like were gay. I let him know were just friends and that she does my hair. Yeah, you do need your hair done. Bigga says. Me and Bigga are walking through the plaza. Hes walking kind of fast and he keeps looking back at me, the same way Ella does at the grocery store, like Ive done something wrong cause I asked for fresh green beans instead of the ones in the can. Bigga walks into the Center Beauty Salon, and tells me to stand at the reception desk. He walks over to one of the women at a station and I can see him hand her a few bills and the one on top was $100! The lady looks at me and tells me to come over. She introduces herself as Angie and asks me how long I want it? I just smile, point to my shoulders, and sit down to get my first sew in. When Im done, two hours later. I walk outside and look around. The sew in hair kind of came out okay. I mean its long, but its puffy in the top, and it hurt and itches. I keep patting down the top, where its sticking up and trying to find spots to get my nails underneath and scratch it. Bigga dont say anything except, lets go shopping. I tell him to wait and that I should at least call Ella. Why are you worried about another bitch? he says. I tell Bigga Im not worried, I just dont want her to call my worker. Bigga tells me I sound real stupid right now, I guess he is kind of right. Why would Ella call my worker? That would stop her checks. Im quiet and not feeling as happy as I thought shopping or a weave would make me, but we walk in the store anyway. Bigga is still walking ahead of me, and he heads straight to the mens shoe section, Im following him and Im not sure what to do. He turns around looking hella annoyed at me and says a little too loudly, Go Shop! I ask Bigga what I should get. Some clothes, DAMN, I only started fucking with you, cause I thought you were smart. I tell him I am smart. Bigga laughs as he gives a shoe to a flirtatious sales girl. The girl is looking me up and down and lightweight laughing and shaking her head. I just turn around with my last bit of dignity and walk away. I hear them two laughing as I start to look for some clothes while swallowing my tears. Now I know why people say, Im salty. Chapter Ten Shopping was not as much fun as I thought it would be. Bigga keeps trying to make me feel stupid and silly every time I open my mouth, so I stopped talking. When he asks a question and I just nod or give one and two word answers. He still doing it though, and now Im dumb cause I wont answer him. Im already sick of this and we just getting started. I feel so uncomfortable with this hair he bought, and these clothes. Im wonderThe Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 17

ing how we gon get in the house and sneak pass Ella, when he just pull up in front of the house. I can see Bigga decided we aint gon sneak. He just walk up in the house, with the bag of clothes and me. I tried putting a hat on my head to cover up the weave and he snatched it off. Hard. Bigga walks up in the house and the whole kitchen is smelling hella good! There is a big butch chick at the stove. Bigga must have known he I mean she was there cause they exchange a pound and Bigga sits down. Ella is sitting in the corner of the kitchen looking like she on a time out. She actually holding her own baby and smoking a cigarette and looking hella pissed. Bigga calls the woman, Sistah, who I remember Sugar said was Laceds older sister. Sistah looked like Laced only she was bigger. Smoke is wafting from the stove, and Ellas indoor electric grill is actually out of the box and sizzling. Sistah is cooking up a storm, greens, beef ribs, macaroni and cheese, candied yams, and cornbread. I look over at Bigga and he is sipping from a red plastic cup and scrolling through that old ass cell phone again. Sistah call me little momma and asks me to help her with the macaroni and cheese. Ella looks at me, like I shouldnt move. Sistah catches the look and turns on Ella. You a hating ass bitch, aint you Ella? Ella squeaks and says that this is her kitchen. It might be your kitchen, but Im burning it down! Sistah replies. Sistah looks at me, come on little momma before it burns. I decide to just ignore Ella and move toward the stove. Im thanking god for my home EC teacher Ms. Mazeke, cause right now I can move around this kitchen with confidence. I take the strainer and pour the water off of the noodles, Pasta, and add some milk, salt, pepper, and cheese to the pot. Sistah is watching me hella close, but she smiling and not bothering me, so I know Im doing good. Sistah starts cutting ribs off of the slab, and loading them on a platter. The room turns from steamy to breezy when we hear a light knock and the front door actually opens without Ellas whine of Who is it? first. Oh my God, Laced just walked up into the house, like it was his and with two beat up dudes right behind him! I look over at Ella her eyes are bigger than a mutha, and she gripping the baby tight and her cigarette even tighter. Laced walks right over to his sister and his jacket rubs against my back while he put his arms around his sister, like, with love. That must be what a hug feels like. I turn around and sprinkle just a little paprika on the macaroni and cheese, and cover it with a little plastic wrap. I try and ease out the kitchen when Sistah pulls me back in. She asked the beat up dudes if theyre hungry, while she piles up a plate for Laced. The beat up dudes LOOK hungry as fuck. Sistah tells me to go get some wash cloths, alcohol and band-aids and in her words stitch these nuckas up. Ella finally comes up out of her sleep and starts to stutter. God forbid I actually start opening any of her stock-pile to actually use it, she saving those band-aids and that alcohol for when she gets beat up. Im laughing to myself while I get the supplies from the bathroom. Its fucked up with Bigga here but then again its not. It feels so good to walk out of a room, turn my back on Ella, and know that the same shit she pulled on me is being pulled on her. God is good. I stop laughing long enough to hear Laced going off in the kitchen, he in there The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 18

screaming about no more asking, and a spot up in Sacramento, and kid gloves being off. Im trying to really listen and watch Ella while trying to help the beat up dudes. They bleeding and swollen, I dont know how to help them, but now Im really wondering what happened to them. I throw on some plastic gloves cause I dont want to get none of their blood on me. I bring a little bucket with warm bubbly water over to the table and start to dab at the worse areas. Once I get them clean I put a small layer of this Vaseline like stuff that says N.E.O.S.P.O.R.I.N. on them. I decide to put a bandage over the nasty parts to cover it up so people can eat without looking at wounds. Sistah crack and calls me Nurse Jackie making me laugh. She give the first boy I worked on a plate and he tears into it like he hadnt eaten in a week. Sistah hands me a plate and motions for me to sit down. I find a seat in the corner so I can look and listen to everybody. Bigga cracking on Ella, hes telling Sistah thank you for showing Ella how a real kitchen is supposed to smell. I have never seen Ella look so beat down, the baby is asleep in her arms and usually she would hand him to me or put him down. Guess she wants to look like she has something to do. Bigga looking at me and thanking Sistah for looking out for me, and it seems like they being nice, but I can tell by Biggas eyes and Sistahs smile that everything aint what it seem.

Chapter Eleven Im sitting here listening, but Im not eating, cause while I was trying to eat Laced and Bigga was talking to the beat up dudes. Beat up dudes had been pulled into a police van, when they came out the van they were bleeding and running, then they ran into Laced and somewhere between running into Laced and the time they got to Ellas house, they went stone cold crazy. They were talking about going to grab girls off of the street and throwing em in a trap house. They were actually planning to just go out and kidnap girls they saw walking by they self. Then they were going to go put them in the trap house and let as many boys who would pay, in the house, to jump them in. At first I thought they must have forgotten that I could hear them, cause they were just talking like I wasnt even there, but Bigga kept looking at me and later he reminded me that I too could get jumped in or if I was nice, I could get eased in. Romeo Pimp. Sugar was right! All of a sudden Bigga is telling me to take a shower and get dressed cause its time to go out. Im looking around to see what Ella gon do about this shit, and Bigga chuckling, cause she had passed out drunk in the kids room. Oh my god, she really is not going to help me. My head is hurting so badly I cant see or hear anything and Im thinking this is what a migraine must feel like. I always hear people on TV talking about having migraines and I never knew what one was til now. Apparently I wasnt moving fast enough for Bigga, cause when Im in my room taking my time putting on cream and my clothes, Bigga come in and just grabbed me by my throat and made me get in the car. Bigga is sitting next to Laced in the front seat of the car and Im sitting in the back. Bigga The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 19

is telling me real nicely and slowly, cause Im dumb, what I need to do. Where is Sugar when I need her? Im remembering how Sugar said that she pretended like she knew the game. I decide to do the same, so Im not trying to upset him again, and Im listening, but I dont think Im hearing him correctly. Bigga says, he telling me Im this mans for the night, but the man is full of piss and cum, Im suppose to ask him what he wants me to do, then Im supposed to fucking do it. I nod my head, Yes. Bigga tells me when its all said and done I might see some money. Might. Im supposed to call Bigga when the man leaves and Im supposed to stay in the room. Yes. The sign on the front of this hotel says Executive Inn and Suites, Oakland Waterfront. Time to get out and we walk to the room. Bigga hands me a cell phone and tells me I can only push #3 to speed dial him. Who would I call anyway? Sugars not answering her cell phone. My caseworker, I dont think so. I only have my small red backpack. Bigga opens the door and shows me to my doom. Im on the other side of my childhood, and I look back at him and close my eyes quickly, cause I dont want his face to be the last thing I remember about me. I close my eyes quickly, lay on the bed and try to remember my mother. I can remember her smells the best, like ivory soap, and the smell of our kitchen, like noodles with broccoli and hot sauce, with cornbread, and the smell of our bathroom like Tide laundry soap in the tub, washing the dirt off my clothes. I remember my mother scrubbing extra hard and crying one time, and I asked her why, she said, she wished she could scrub the dirt off her soul. Thats a much better memory for me than his face. For whatever reason I think about my gardening teacher, and how I wish I hadnt quit the club, cause I could have stayed after school and only came to Ellas house to sleep. Why didnt I join every club I could have just stayed at the school building. I should have just lived at school, taken all of my showers there and not let Kandi scare me out of it. I should have stood up to her, and Ella, and my caseworker. I should have told my guidance counselor what was really going on. Why didnt I take any of those chances when I had them? I decide to remember this moment as the first shovel full of dirt on my soul, and I cant blame Bigga or anybody else, I let this happen to myself, and its my own fault. I was so confused before, now I understand why Sugars momma might have died. I understand why my mother left, and Im thinking that she may be dead. If my mother is dead though, Im proud cause I know she died fighting to not be here. Im thinking that whatever happens from now on, Im going to fight back to do the same. If I can get through this night, and get the money from this man, Im gone take it and Im leaving this room, and Im running. Im gonna do what I have to do and then Im going to run, and Im not gon stop til I get there. Even though Im not sure where there is, Im gon keep running til Im there. Chapter Twelve Im lying on the bed remembering my mother and squeezing myself so tight when I hear the first knock on the door. I cant move, Im frozen, I am not in my body, and I cant look. I close my eyes and pray for death. Another knock. I do not know this game, this is not for me, dear God I understand now, I understand what I should have done because this is not for me. Hes not knocking now, he is turning the knob and coming in. I lay there and I hope that he thinks that I am dead but I need to breathe, so I pretend like I The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 20

am asleep, maybe if I show no resistance he will not hurt me. Maybe I can let him have sex with me, and get this money. I brace my body for his impact. My eyes are closed, but I can hear him, and he is moving around me breathing and sneaking and then he sits down in a chair. I can feel him looking at me. If hes not touching me what is he going to do? I know I must open my eyes and see. I must look in the face of my destroyer. I open my eyes preparing to see Satan, and instead I see the face of Jesus. Baby Jesus? First of all this is not a man, this is a boy. He is sitting in a chair looking at me. He cant be more than 16 or 17. Its so funny to see him sitting there looking so uncomfortable. Boy Jesus is beautiful with big large round brown eyes that are looking at me. I cant help myself, so I start smiling. Boy Jesus relaxes and smiles too. As soon as he does, I stop smiling. I dont want to play my whole hand with him right away. I wipe my tears away and slowly start to sit up. Boy Jesus is timid and beautiful but that could easily mean hes a sicko. Hes got a backpack with him and I point at it and ask him whats in it. Boy Jesus opens that backpack up so quickly and pulls out a big box of condoms. Now I cant help it, I start laughing. Boy Jesus asks me why Im laughing. I dont know if I should tell him I so happy not to be getting raped by a smelly old man right now, that I dont know what to do. This boy is the last chance that I have prayed for. I am going to do whatever he asks of me and get that money. I move extra slowly around him, because I dont want to scare him and I know that I can put off sex with him for as long as possible. Bigga said I was his for the night, and I was going to move like a turtle and make sure it took all night. I decided with Boy Jesus I could pretend like I knew the game. I realized that Bigga was right, he was full of cum and piss, so he must have known that he was a boy. He really was trying to ease me in. For a minute I was almost grateful to Bigga for this. Fuck that! He is still trying to pimp me, and I dont want to be pimped! Boy Jesus is making it easier for me to do this, but why should I be grateful to Bigga for making it easier for me to be destroyed by this game. NO! That dont make any sense. Time to move on Boy Jesus. I decide to use Bigga advice, though and find out what he wants me to do. I was imagining the worse. I ask him what he wants me to do, and in the fakest gangster voice, he says. Suck my dick! He hadnt even gotten the word dick out and I was laughing my ass off. My hand was played, but this little boy was making me crack up. I asked him is that how they say it where hes from. He tells me Im not supposed to be laughing at him, but hes smiling the whole time. I can tell that this cat, A. Got some money, B. is the good looking athlete at his school, with his varsity shirt on, C. he live with his momma and daddy, cause he looks and smells good, and he is a gentlemen, and D. he got some serious issues if he is in a hotel room with who he thinks is gonna be his hoe for the night. I tell him right off that he know his momma would be mad if she found out he was in a hotel room trying to buy some ass, and I let him know that I know he could get some ass for free. He tells me his friend paid. Damn, that mean that Boy Jesus think he can walk out of the room for free. I dont know if thats even true or not, Bigga probably did get the money up front. Ill bet thats why he said I might see some money. Boy Jesus dont know that though, so I try and school him to the game. I tell him, his friend paid for the room, and that he had to pay for me, and that I hoped he brought some cash. Boy Jesus tried to play it cool and said a little. I will take his phone, ring and watch if he tries to play me, I can roll him, like we used to practice in The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 21

the group home. I ask him how his friend knows Bigga. Boy Jesus says his friends brother, was in jail with Bigga, he was Biggas cellmate. Boy Jesus is sick of the questions and decides to play his hand. He reminds me that Im supposed to do what he asks. I tell him in my softest sexiest voice, I will do whatever he asks, but first he has to tell me his name. He slips up and says it too quickly, and I know that its his real one, and that look on his face lets me know its obvious he didnt mean to. Then he asks me my name. I remember what my girl said, make up something cute, and make it memorable like Sugar, but I dont want it to be cute, I want it to be real, cause I dont want this fake life, so I decide to tell him my real name too, I say his back to him, like its a real date, Jackson Im Jade. Chapter Thirteen Boy Jesus, I mean Jackson and I keep just looking at one another. Hes checking me out, and Im checking him out. Jackson is staring at my legs, which are hanging out in these shorts that I picked out. That Bigga picked out, really. My legs are long, and I know from watching Americas Next Top Model that this is a good thing. Jackson cant stop staring at them, and I cant stop staring at his eyes. They look so knowledgeable, and wise. Im thinking about all of the eyes that I have seen, my mothers eyes filled with sadness and love, lost eyes, like Sugars, impatient eyes, like a court judge, pitying eyes, like my caseworker, and my guidance counselor, mean eyes, like Kandis, drunk, angry eyes like Ellas, red, lustful eyes like Biggas, greedy, evil eyes like Laced, but Jacksons eyes, they look like a lions eyes, and I cant stop myself from looking at them. The only thing that is stopping me is the smell, and Im wondering, why does he smell likelike like fish. I ask him and he says, its not fish its the smell of the ocean. Smells like fish to me. He tells me that he sails, like in a boat. So why would that make him smell like fish. He tells me again that it isnt fish its the ocean and that the water sprays him, when hes sailing and thats what Im smelling, the ocean. I can tell he is getting annoyed, and wants his moneys worth, well, his friends moneys worth. I go back to asking him what he wants me to do, and for the second time he tries to ask me to suck his dick only this time, he gon throw a bitch in there. He was all like suck my dick, bitch with his fake ass. He sounds like such a lame saying it, and I know that he knows he sounds like a lame, and that shit makes us both crack up. When we finally can stop long enough to talk, he asks me, real sincere like, how does a girl want to hear it? He came to the right person. So I tell him that only a hoe, or a woman with experience wants to hear a boy say suck my dick. Jackson says this must mean that his girlfriend is a hoe. Girlfriend! I ask him if his girlfriend is a cold bitch, he says, shes a hot bitch! We crack up at that one, I stop laughing, when he says that it was his girlfriends idea that he come here, in her words he should fuck a hoe, so he could stop coming in his pants, and then he would be ready for her. Bullshit. I remind Jackson that he doesnt have to lie or impress paid for pussy. He actually starts to blush when I say that word pussy. So of course I say pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, til I got him saying it too. Jackson begs me to stop. I cant help it, he keeps making me laugh so hard, hes so different from any boy Ive ever met, with his nave mind but wise eyes. I ask him what he calls pussy, The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 22

and he tells me real sincere like that his mother always told him to say yoni. Jackson said it with like love and respect. Yoni. So of course, I said Yoni, yoni, yoni, until he really begged me to stop making him think about his mother. I knew he could get some ass I mean yoni for free, but right now I can see how just a little bit of schooling from me, could help him with his too innocent for his girlfriend problem. Ill bet she was a spoiled little cheerleader like Kandi, who dated only the popular good-looking boys, and kept them wrapped around her little finger with sex tricks because she fucked around with men. Jackson is not like I thought, he isnt just like every other guy in the world. Still he paid for sex. For a minute Im still disgusted with him and myself, so I lay back and tell him to do what he wants, leave the money and go. I lay back close my eyes and open my legs. I must have lain there for five minutes at least. When I open my eyes, and this boy, is still sitting in the chair and hes justlooking at me. Im really starting to get mad at him and I dare him to move, but he isnt moving. Hes just looking and looking, and looking at me. So I let him. I close my eyes, and I let myself feel unafraid, and bold. I let myself feel, Sexy. My body and my mind suddenly realize that I am a woman, and I have nothing to feel afraid of here, not in the moment, not with this boy. I keep my eyes closed and very slowly, I let myself start to take off my clothes. Jackson cant take his eyes off of my legs, as they come out of the shorts, and I slide my hands all along my body, feeling like I am alone and safe enough with Jackson where I can explore myself. I let my fingers run along the smooth curves of my breast and my waist. I ease my hands into my panties and let my fingers touch the soft wet spot in between my legs and I start to tickle myself. With each stroke, I feel bolder and bolder to touch my body. I open my eyes really slowly, and see a look of lust, curiosity and wonder on Jacksons face. I work up enough air in my lungs to say really softly to him, to take off his pants. Jackson has on sky blue boxers and they remind me of the California sky on a clear day. I look at his face while I touch myself and I lick my lips at him, and eventually he does the same. I am touching myself and looking into his eyes, when he starts to rub himself faster. He doesnt look nasty or weird, just turned on like you would want your real boyfriend to be. His eyes remind me of heaven, and he looks like Boy Jesus, and maybe thats why I called out to God, when we both was cummin, touching ourselves, but together. Chapter Fourteen Jackson and I are breathing hard, flushed and completely stuck looking at one another. It takes a full minute for me to get embarrassed and start trying to put on my shorts. Jackson eases over to the bed and gently, very gently, stops me. Jackson says dont and that is enough for me. He has his hands on top of my hands, and my hands are on my knees. I look down and my heart starts to beat so fast when I see our hands together. I want so badly to turn my palms toward his, but I dont. I sit back on the bed, shorts off, and go back to the starring game. He asks me if Ive ever done that before with other tricks. Done what, play with myself, while a boy did too, no. I tell him I have never had another trick, just Bigga and now him. Jackson sits up completely straight and looks at me, as if he can really see me. He is looking at me the same way Aaron does in class, and the butterflies in my stomach tell me I could really like this boy. Somewhere in another The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 23

universe I tell myself that I live in a house with my mom and my dad. I try to convince myself that I go to Jacksons school, and he is my boyfriend and we snuck away to this hotel tonight to lose our virginity to each other. In another life, Im perfectly me. I ask Jackson if he is a virgin. Not exactly he says he almost lost it to Tammie, the girlfriend but he cums so quickly that she refuses to let him go all the way. I ask him if he realizes that Tammie isnt a virgin. He cracks me up as he shakes his head yes with a bigeyed smirk on his face like DUH! . Jackson and I go back to the staring game only this time his hands begin to wander. My automatic instinct is to stop him, which I do. Without missing a beat Boy Jesus Jackson says that he wants to explore my body, and looking at those eyes I realize I am starting to feel safe with him. I move my hands to the sides of my body, stiff at first, but then I take a breath and I melt. Jackson starts at my knees, squeezing them and rubbing my thighs. He wiggles and tickles them and I cover my face so he doesnt see my smile. Just when I start to relax, a wave of guilt passes through my body and I tense up. Jackson whispers he wont touch my pusyoni yet, and this eases my nerves. I feel guilty for allowing my body to accept this beautiful yet stranger trick boy that I dont know. What would my mother think? Nothing. If my mother cared she would be with me and I wouldnt be here. Inside my head I am angry, sad, confused, hurt, scared, lonely, and pissed. I realize I only know this from watching that damn Oprah, and Dr. Phil, I wish I was just dumb to it all and could take drugs and check out on this shit, like Sugar, but hell Sugar aint here and even with the drugs and checking out, Sugar hurts too! I was so busy in my own head I forgot about his hands on me. Now Jackson is doing things to me that I have dreamed about a boy doing, and guilty or not, I like it, it feels good, and I feel free. I still havent seen his thing, but his hands and mouth are telling me his story. This boy isnt here looking to fuck or have sex, this boy wants to make love to somebody. I am so overwhelmed I want to cry, so I start talking instead. I tell Jackson that he will never be the kind of dude who will say suck my dick to a female, and mean it. He asks me what type of man do I think he is. I think for a minute and the only word that I can come up with is, gentlemen. I remember my mother describing what a gentlemen was when I was nine years old. She came to visit me and there was a man who brought her to the federal building where she picked me up for my visits, and I remember he waited for her the whole time. It was how he waited though, that was the best part. After the first couple of visits we really stopped going too far from the building. That was usually because her rides sat in the car not looking at me or her, but at their watch and telling my mother every five minutes that they didnt have all day for her shit. This time though, the gentlemen actually said we could go to the park! He stayed in the car for awhile but he was reading a newspaper and smiling at us the whole time. When he smiled it didnt feel creepy, it felt like he was just, happy. My mother called him a gentlemen. The gentlemen brought a lunch and he shared it with us. Bread, cheese, fruit, and a little bottle of wine that my mother thought was the best thing ever, she kept sipping it in a little mini paper cup that she called Dixie. My mother was giggling and smiling. It was so happy and so good in that moment, and I remember wishing that the gentlemen was my daddy, and that we were going to leave the federal building and keep going forward, like a family. I wished it so hard and I even started to pretend and it only took twenty minutes before I made myself believe it was true. Then they left. I hadnt seen a gentlemen since. Jackson hid his face in his hands saying No, No, No. over and over again. I asked him why. He said at his school being called a genThe Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 24

tlemen was the kiss of death for his sex life and his ass. He cracked me up explaining the word to me, phonetically, like this was English class. Jackson separated the words and emphasized, them Gentle Man. I lost it on that one. Jackson jumps up and looks around the room and out of the window. Ha! All of sudden hes getting excited and digging in his backpack. He comes up with a pair of shiny shorts, that he calls swim trunks. He looks at me and says hell show me a gentlemen and makes me get up. Jackson looks around the room and grabs his school sweatshirt hoodie with the little sailing emblem on it. Then he does the unexpected and pulls it over my head. The hoodie goes just pass my underwear and he looks at the back and says, perfect. Perfect. Im starting to get nervous, because I have no idea what he has in mind, but it involves leaving the room. I almost tell him that I cant leave the room, but I dont. His excitement has me so curious, that I cant help myself. Jackson stashes our backpacks into the closet and grabs a little credit card thing off of the table in the room and takes it to the door. He tells me to wait inside, and he closes the door and then I hear a swipe and a little green light on the door comes on and he opens it. I must look confused, because Jackson explains to me that the little card goes into the door and that its a key. I know that I must look stupid, and I get embarrassed all over again. Jackson doesnt laugh at me, or even notice that I dont know, because this is my first time at a hotel. Instead he smiles and he takes my hand in his, and we leave the room. Something about holding his hand made me feel like I deserve to be happy just like Jackson. He was okay with being embarrassed, and making a mistake, because he knew that people would give him another chance. As we walked I wondered when I forgot to forgive myself for still learning. Being without my mother I had to grow up so fast, and now all I want is a do-over for my childhood. You cant change the past but you can make different choices in the now and in the future. Right now I decide I could really let myself like this boy, and so without thinking too much and without guilt I smile and hold his hand tighter asking myself how and why do I like him? I just do. Chapter Fifteen I am not getting in this swimming pool. Curiosity killed the cat. I do not get in the water. Jackson looks at me and SPLASH he dives in, it sounds so loud to me, and I can't help but look around because I know that Bigga or Laced is watching, or the police, or the other people at the hotel, but they're not. I turn around and I think Jackson has drowned, but he is just under the water, eyes open, looking at and smiling at me. I don't do the water! Jackson comes to the top and asks me what's wrong and I just shake my head no, I'm not explaining anything to him. Then I do. I tell him I don't do the water. Jackson laughs and tells me this isn't the water it's a pool. Jackson is looking at me and starts splashing and getting all loud on me, demanding that I get in or he's going to start screaming. I want him to be quiet so badly I sit down on the sides and ease my legs in. At least it was warm, was the last thing I thought before he put his arms around my waist, and eased his sweatshirt off of my body and lifted me up and into the pool. I beg him not to let me drown, and he told me to stand up. The pool goes just below my shoulders so I'm frontin like I'm not embarassed. I ask Jackson if he goes swimming all The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 25

the time, he says no but that he goes sailing everyday. He really meant like in a boat in the ocean. I would be so scared to do that, no life guard, and no bottom. Jackson laughs hysterically and tells me that the ocean does have a bottom, but that yes it's pretty far down. Jackson tells me that the there are lifeguards on certain beaches, but that the coast guard looks out for riders on the water. I never thought of it like that, rider's on the water. I tell Jackson that it still doesn't seem safe, and he tells me that it isn't dangerous or safe it's adventurous and fun. I tell him that I thought sailors were swabbing decks on big ships and drinking whiskey. Jackson gets all overly serious, and says that's a crewmen. Jackson tells me that he is a sailor "a man who will take a fabric compounded of wood, iron, rope and canvas, and compel it to obey his will on the surface of the sea." I tell Jackson that was beautiful almost like a song. He says that those words are something that Jack London said. As in Jack London Square, Oakland's own little piece of heaven by the water. Hotels, restaurants, movie theaters, and entertainment lined the streets of Jack London Square. I never knew that it was a real person that they named the square after. I pause and wait a long time before I talk again because this boy has his arms around me and is dancing me around this pool. Next thing I know I am being lifted and Jackson points behind him. Hot tub! Jackson doesn't have to beg me to get in there. I know it's not that deep and it's steaming, it's so warm. I literally sink into it up to my shoulders. It's like taking a bath, no kids, no Ella, nothing but me and this boy, that I like. I want so badly to ask him what his life is like. I wonder what he does on the daily, where he goes, what he eats for lunch. I want to ask him so many things, so much. I have to keep reminding myself to stop being so afraid, being afraid is how I got here in the first place. If I could just live in the moment I would ask him. I can never live in the moment because I'm always worried about what's gon' happen next, or what already happened, and worried about how many bad decisions I made, and how I could be making a bad decision right now, and worried that I can't trust myself, and just worried. I want so badly to stop it, and when I look at Jackson, I can. I see his face, and his smile, and how hes making a mistake right now, by buying sex, but maybe he's not, because he met me. Then I worry that I can't trust my own feelings because I never have. I always be quiet and wait and see what other people are gon' do. Why can't I learn that other people NEVER do the right thing, by me, and that it's my fault. Now I know why some of the kids at group just go the fuck off and fight and kick and scream. The kids that go the fuck off, fight and scream, they are the kids that people listen to, those are the ones that get the most attention. The kids like me, that just sit, listen, and do as we are told, we are the ones that get moved around, and put out, and blamed, and misplaced, and left. I'm so tired of being left and feeling afraid. I want to know him. I want to know Jackson and I don't want to be afraid. We are in the hot tub, with our legs intertwined. He's not talking or wanting, or waiting for anything. We just are. I build up all of my courage and I just talk to him. I say it right out loud, not thinking, not afraid. Jackson, will you...tell me...what your life is like? He doesn't even hesitate a little bit. Yes, he'll tell me anything I want to know, but I have to do the same. He wants to know me too. All of that fear and for what? Nothing. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting it to be a combat boot, or something heavy. If I let myself live in the moment, I am happy and free, and while I The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 26

wait for that other shoe to drop, I'm going to keep my eyes open wide, but this time instead of a boot, I'm expecting a glass slipper. Chapter Sixteen Jackson goes to school, of course it's a private school. Jackson sails because his dad sails. His dad also sales, radiators, to everyone whom needs to heat and cool something in San Francisco. San Francisco, that's where he lives, and where he does everything else. It's funny to me how everybody in San Francisco thinks Oakland is their playground, crack, meth, sex, it's all on both sides of the bridge. I didn't confess that I didn't know what a radiator was, but he must have known, explaining how they are used to heat and cool. I thought about that, and he explained how it's just a little bitty ole' thing that emit's energy and has a lot of power. Kind of like me when I'm singing. I remember my elementary school principal heard me singing and she told me I radiated. Radiator, radiated. I finally understood what that word really meant. Jackson's mom runs a hospital. She doesn't work there. She runs it. I sure wish I could meet her, I dream about women like her. I've seen them sometimes on the street or they visit my school, or they're someone's mom, but I see them. Women that radiated power and seem to have everything they need, and control over their lives. When I was little I always thought people were people and I didn't understand how things, like money, a man, your neighborhood, or your school makes a difference in how you can live. I wish my mom was a woman like that, I can see the girls that have it like that. I think Willow Smith, Keke Palmer, and Brandy, and I know that they have mom's like that. They seem so alive. It's like they have all of everything you need in this life from birth. I wonder how they decide to do things and feel, and how they decide to think. It's not like I'm jealous, it's just that I want to feel fearless like they seem to be. I want to feel like I can make a decision and trust that it's going to be okay and that if it isn't, someone has my back. I want Jackson to look at me and think I'm pretty like Keke or loved like Willow, or a family first type of woman like Brandy. I want Jackson to look at me and see something besides a hoe his friend paid for. I can see it in his eyes, this boy is so innocent and he wants to give me that chance. He seems so happy and I like that, so I tell him. Please stay happy. I told him about Kandi, and how she is the closest thing to a Tammie that we have at our school. I tell him how I don't understand, why she is so mean. All of the people I know that are mean are unhappy for some reason. Kandi has everything!. Jackson says that having money and "everything" comes with it's own set of problems. Like what? I really don't care about rich people problems and it annoys the shit out of me when I hear them complain about how hard it is to be rich. Jackson is blah, blah, blah-ing about it and then he says something that I didn't expect. He said, just because you have money doesn't mean that you don't have responsibility, it just means more of it, and when your heart breaks it hurts just the same, especially if you are all alone. I guess he was alone sometimes too, he dad was sailing and selling, his mom was running a hospital. Jackson was alone like me. The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 27

Still I'm not gon' feel bad for him, and I don't want to get too attached. So I decide to just keep asking him questions. I don't know much about this game, but I obviously know more than him, cause he don't mind giving out a lot of information. In movies the guys are always worried about being tracked down by some crazy female they paid for sex. Not here, I'm not crazy and I wouldnt know my way around San Francisco for shit, without a map. Jackson is smart. I hope he appreciates his life, so I tell him that. He tells me I sound like his parents and starts covering his face again. He gon' say that's not what he paid for. I remind him that he didn't pay, and it's awkward and uncomfortable, again. Neither one of us is here by choice, sort of, and I want so badly to remember that and not be mad at him, but I am. Jackson wants to change the subject and I can't be mad at that. I ask him if he goes to fancy restaurants, and he laughs, of course he does. Jackson says that he goes to fancy restaurants, and, sometimes they come to him. Catering is what he calls it, and he launches off into the wonderful world of catering. Apparently fancy restaurants will bring their finest foods to you. They'll bring it to a school, or a hospital, or anywhere that you wish, to eat. Amazing Talking about food, is obviously making Jackson hungry. Then he asks me, if I'm hungry too. Yes, I am hungry. No one ever actually asks me if I'm hungry. I usually just wait around and when people that I am around are eating I eat. Like lunch at school, or garden club, or when Ella's kids get hungry, or 6pm at group. He asked me. I know that I shouldn't like him, but he keeps doing stuff like that, and I can't help it. Jackson shuffles around the room until he finds a book on the round table. He opens it up to a page of pizza restaurants and scans them. Jackson dials a number on his cell phone and orders a pizza delivered to the room. Just like that food is on the way. I feel so warm and safe and relaxed. I look over at the clock in the room and I know in my mind that this feeling has to end soon, but my heart doesn't want it to. I know I shouldn't but I pretend like this can last forever. I let myself feel the feelings and think the thoughts of a girl who deserves to have love and who could keep a boyfriend like Jackson. Not like Tammie with her bitchiness, and not like Kandi with tricks and money, but like me, Jade, with love. Chapter Seventeen Jackson told me his dream, this boy wants to sail around the world, and even while he was saying it, I am watching the words come out of his mouth and the dam that holds all of the emotion in my soul broke free. So I ask him, I ask him to take me sailing right now, just show me, tell me somehow. Please. Jackson looks at me and shakes his head, swearing he cant. I ask him over and over again. Jackson says he cant tell me about sailing, its an experience. I think about The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 28

bringing out the best in him, I let him see my smile, and feel my hand on his hand. I dig deep inside and remind myself how loving I am. How would I want to be asked? With love. So I turn on my sweetest voice, and give him my biggest smile, and I ask over and over again, until he finally gives in. Jackson takes the little restaurant book and flips it open. The middle part of the book unfolds out and turns into a map. He puts his hand over my hand, his finger pointing with my finger, and shows me where we are on the map. I know that you can see the water from anywhere in the bay, and I have actually been to a beach before. Jackson takes my finger and shows me how he can leave the beach and sail on and on, even around the world. You can sail around the world! When I look at a map, I always focus on the land. I never ever even thought about the water. I ask Jackson how do you find you way around without streetlights and signs. Jackson tells me the stars are the streetlights and signs, stars arent just twinkly things in the sky they are actual maps! Wow, you learn something new everyday. Jackson says that you can read the stars to know where you want to go and where you could go, and use a compass and other tools to get there. I want to go sailing, right now. I close my eyes and I am imagining getting on a boat and just sailing out into the ocean. My heart is beating so fast. I was always so scared of the water and I know why. I dont tell Jackson that I got removed from one group home after another older girl held my head under the bathtub spray until I blacked out. I never told anyone that. I have never ever even thought about traveling on the water. I realize that all of the people that I want to get away from are on land. On the water I could be free. There is a slight knock on the door and I dont even jump, but I do think about him. Bigga. Its not Bigga though, its the food! Jackson takes his time putting on a shirt before he opens the door and pays for the pizza. Jackson keeps doing that thing he does, like how he blocks the pizza man from looking into the room. I just breathe and I lay back on the bed and close my eyes. My little pretend game of Jackson being my boyfriend is starting to get old. Especially because I know in a few hours I will be back with Bigga and Ella and that my shitty life starts up again. I push through and fight back the tears once I smell the delicious blend of sauce and cheese. Jackson tells me he saw a juice machine in the hallway and asks me if I want to come. Hiding my face, I shake my head no. Jackson is heading out the doorway and stops. Turning around he closes the door and puts on the lock. Jackson looks at me and suggests we just drink water. Its like he saw me crying and decided not to leave. I sit up and look at him gratefully. He grabs a towel and we dig into the pizza. It tastes so good, so normal. I didnt realize how hungry I was until I look at Jackson put two slices together like a sandwich. That seems like the best idea ever so I do it to. We are chewing and smiling and laughing. Jackson turns on the radio on the bedside table and starts to hum while he eats. I remember a little girl in the group home who used to do that. It was like she was so happy with each bite that she had to sing about it. I really dug that.

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Jackson decides its time to turn the tables and starts asking me questions. Oh boy! He wants to know how I got here, he says I dont seem like I belong in this business. Hes right, Im a girl not a hoe. After he said that, I decide to throw everything I know about the game out the window and put it all out there. Hell if nothing else if felt good just to hear myself say it. Aint no shame in my game. I tell him the short version of the long stupid story. I tell him that Bigga is my foster mothers boyfriend, he moved in a week ago and its either do this the easy way with set ups in a room or work the block, and that either way Bigga is somebody who aint taking no for an answer. He asks me about my parents. Hah! Parents. I tell him about my shot up daddy, and my mom, cause I dont know anything about having parents. Jackson asks me what Im going to do after tonight. Why did he say that? My whole pretend bubble popped! No more cute, rich, sailing boyfriend, normal pizza eating party. All that is left is me, just me, my future, and having to say good-bye to the best thing that Ill never have. Its not his fault though and I tell him. I will be hoping that everybody Bigga sale me to, is as nice as him. I cant take it on that one and I get up and head to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and allow myself to relax into the sound. Its loud but I know that Jackson is out there, and that he wont storm in, and demand anything from me, and somehow that gives me the courage I need to just feel. So I cry. I have cried so much in my life and somewhere I remember deciding not to shed anymore tears. Its hard to keep doing that, I cant keep doing that. I let that warm water hit my face and the tears fall. I shower in my own sadness trying to wash it away. I want to be all clean. Jackson comes into the bathroom, its like he was there all along. He opens the shower curtain just slightly and looks at me. My eyes are red and Im hoping he cant tell tears from water. He asks me, very simply, if I was serious when I said he could be romantic and just ask for what he wants. My throat is so tight, so closed, so I shake my head yes. He wants to make love to me. Im so obvious, so transparent, so easy, Yes, yes, yes. In this moment I am realized, I am ready for him. My body has been prepared and my mind has been longing. He is right here and I want to. To be with a boy, naked, and wet, and to just be. Not scared, not loud, not quiet, We are here and I can just be. Jackson slips inside the shower and grabs me by the waist. I lift my hands up and around his neck I hold on tight. I hold on to sex, I hold onto warmth, I hold on.

Chapter Eighteen The moon is so big and bright, like the sun. It lights up the room. Jacksons phone buzzing wakes us up from our moment in heaven. Asleep in each others arms. It lasted just long enough for me to doze off, forget where and who I was. I got to cum twice before he was full. He finished on my lower back. He wasnt inside of me and wanted to feel me. I told myself his warm stickiness was cream. He took a towel and dried me off, wrapped us up in the sheet and blanket and fell asleep. Where in the world have I been, when I should have always been here. The buzzing phone wont be ignored and Jackson wakes up, startled, confused, and worse, remembering he had a life somewhere else. Jacksons The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 30

face gave away the end. The curtain on our time was closing while he put his shirt and pants back on. He was stuffing the box of condoms back into his backpack. I was still wrapped up in the sheet and blanket, holding onto the last bit of warmth that he left. I wanted to cover my face. I wanted to watch him. He looked back at me with annoyed eyes. The switch had to begin. It had to go from good to bad because that is always the way for me. Jackson tells me that he was supposed to call his friend that hooked this up, and tell him when he leaves the room, he tells me hell just call him, after I leave too, in the morning, if I want him to. The panic sets in and my gut tells me the truth. I cant stop my eyes from looking scared, cause I already know what this is. I have heard about the set ups, and Sugar had told me all the stories she knew, but I aint never know a girl who got caught in the trap. Jackson looks at my face, and asks me whats wrong. I ask him how much he paid? Jackson of course doesnt know, because his asshole friend set this up, because his bitch of a girlfriend told him to. Jackson is standing there looking so dumb all of sudden. I scream at him to tell me how much he paid. Jackson warns me to lower my voice, and tells me again he doesnt know. I ask him if he wonders what his best friend and girl friend are doing right now, if there is any chance they are together? Jackson slowed his roll and looked at me and closed his eyes. Hes not moving hes just breathing. I know hes either thinking or listening. I only said that cause I dont want to tell him the truth. I want him to take this thing I feel, this hurt and anger and take it with him out of this room and have it in his life. I want to have the peaceful beautiful life. But I know this isnt right so I tell him the truth. I tell him about the set up. I explain how being paid for all night, is code word for jump in. I tell him that after he leaves, his friend and god knows who else can come and have me for the rest of the night. The look on his face tells me he didnt know. He really didnt know. Jackson makes it clear he doesnt understand, and he has to go. Now. So bye, leave. I dont know what he wants from me. There aint nothing left to say, Ill be a story he tells in college. He wants to know about the jump in. Why, freak. If the switch from good to bad has him staying and jumping me in too, then its official, Im gon be a hoe, cause then Ill know that aint no good men out here meant for me. I let my ghetto mouth fly open, I tell him, it could 2, 10, 20, who da fuck knows. He can just step. But hes just looking at me. He not buying the ghetto mouth, so I let it go. I tell him with the last of my feel good, that he has a life, that his parents might be trying to tell him what to do, but its all to help him. People tell me what to do to help themselves. Boy Jesus thanks me for the night. He says he wants to give me some money but doesnt want me to feel cheapened. What the fuck does that mean? I really want to roll my eyes and spit on that one. I tell him in my old hoe voice, he doesnt have to say anything, I know its not his fault, and I tell him he can leave now. And then he does, Jackson has left to return to his life, and I am here all alone with me.

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Now I know I got about two minutes to figure out how this is gon be. Sugar was right about so much, so much. I need her right now. I decide to get dressed so I can be ready when he comes, being ready is the only thing I can control right now. Be ready for anything. I was fully dressed, backpack in hand. No Bigga yet so I wrapped myself in the blanket and thought about the best parts of my night, Imagining Jackson inside of me and how I felt. My body enjoying his body, our hands exploring each other. These memories were mine, all mine. Im remembering, holding onto a dream state of half sleep. I make a wish, to feel this way forever inside, no matter what happens on the outside. Heavy knock at the door and I this time I jump. Bigga, or the bastard friend. Either way its not looking too good for me, but I get up and walk toward the door. There are four steps between the bed and the door. First step, I kiss my mother good-bye. Second step, I kiss Jackson good-bye. I blast the memory of them out of my mind like hand grenades. Each picture of them explodes blood in this room. Last two steps I tuck the real me, inside, into a small little corner of my heart, hoping that no one else can reach it while I endure. I open the door to my future, I let myself think it, just as it is. I am another mans property, I am going to be his hoe.

Chapter Nineteen I open the door expecting to see the face of my Hell and there he is again, boy Jesus talking and looking at me. Words are coming out of his mouth, but I dont believe Im hearing him correctly. Jackson is standing in front of me. Why is he back in this room? I was so buried inside I couldnt hear. But here he is, in front of me putting his school sweatshirt, with the sailing emblem, over my little outfit. As soon as it covers my back and I look down at the little gold seal on the sailboat, I can hear his words but they sound like they are coming out of a seashell. The air of the ocean is behind each word. Jackson says well start with his mom, if anyone will understand it will be her. Jackson says well just explain to her how this all happened to me, and that she would help. He says he knows she will. Jackson is walking around the room, I think they call it pacing, talking me through his plan. He has a plan for me. Jackson holds out his hand and asks me to come with him. Jackson thinks he can save me, when I know nobody can. I ask him what about Bigga? Jackson tells me that Bigga doesnt own me, even if he thinks he does. He reminds me Bigga is a felon. Jackson is not going to take no for an answer either. He tells me hell just text his friend and tell him that he left me in the room. Jackson thinks by the time they figure it all out, his mom may be able to get me out of here. Where I would go I dont know, I keep telling myself its got to be better than where I was. It doesnt mean Im scared though, just uncertain. I promised myself that if The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 32

I was shown even a little chance of getting out of this mess I would take it. Could this be it? Im not sure. My mind cannot trust my decisions sometimes. What if Jackson and Bigga working together on this? I could be reading this boy all wrong. The uncertainty, not knowing, not sure, I dont like feeling like this. I want to take a chance, but what if Sometimes I think life is full of what ifs, and that some people play it safe and sit at home and say what if I had done this. Me and Sugar used to talk all the time, about what if we had families that took care of us, what would life be like. What if we were models, or what if we were this, or what if we were that. It was all fantasies though. We were just dreaming of a day when we could be loved. I look at this boy standing right here in front of me and for the second time today I see him saying he wants to love me. So I let him. I look around the room and clear all traces of me. I break the stupid little phone Bigga gave me into a million pieces and drop it into the dumpster with the room key. I hold Jacksons hand and half walk half run to his car. Oops I mean truck! My giddiness, my joy is returning with a vengeance. Just because this boy is helping me doesnt mean that I cant like him. It doesnt mean I dont feel good. I want to be happy, and my pretend little game bubbles back up to the surface. The more I think about the happy thoughts, the better each moment gets. If I could just hold onto what makes me happy and not think about the reasons why I cant be happy, or why I shouldnt be, I actually get to be. I realize so much of my sadness comes from the actions of others, not from me. I wasnt an angry person or a mean girl, or any of the things that I think make people unhappy. If I could concentrate on my own actions and be around people like Jackson and maybe, his mom, I can stay happy. Good people, do good things. I know my mother was good, but she let the actions of others decide how she felt, and she was mostly surrounded by a lot of unhappy people. Before we take off, Jackson reaches inside his backpack and grabs his wallet. He reaches in it and hands me some money. $88 to be exact. Jackson tells me he doesnt know what will happen once his mom takes over, but that I should hide it, in case I needed it. He asks me to take it as a friend, not as anything more. Jackson and I are friends. Up until now, Sugar has been my only real friend. I really dont want to leave without her, and decide I will tell Jacksons mom about Sugar, maybe shell help me look for her. I got to take Sugar too. I know Im getting carried away, but this boy makes me feel like its okay, until we take off. Jackson is driving and then hes not. Jackson has stopped the car and he is gripping the wheel. Reality has set in, he has taken me and I am with him, and all of my problems come with that. I think for a minute that he will ask me to get out, or shove me out. I have seen the worst of people. Nothing is beneath him, in this moment. He looks at me and grips the wheel tighter. Jackson is breathing and I imagine looking for himself in all of this. This is a boy and if he asks me to leave now, all I can do is leave. Jackson relaxes his hands and he drives. He tells me very calmly that were going to his house. Boy Jesus is a man. Jackson is a man. Jackson is a gentlemen. I allow myself to feel it and say it, so I now its true. I like a gentlemen named Jackson, and a gentleman named Jackson likes me. Chapter Twenty The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 33

No one can save you. The whole Captain Save-A-Hoe thing is so played out. I see girls and grown ass women that get into these situations with a save em type and they be stuck. Im not gon be stuck. Either a family gon work or its not, there aint no in between. You cant paste and stick people in a house and call it a family, if it aint. People fighting, cussing each other out, threatening to leave, or just plain leaving, thats all you get. Im so tired of fake families. My mother was always looking for the next dude to save the day. Its like she never thought to save herself. I like Jackson, and Im glad to be with him right now, and not Bigga, but this is gon get bigger than me or him real soon, and I know I got to be ready. I got to save myself. Im glancing over at him while we driving and with each mile I can see him realizing more and more exactly what weve done. This shit cannot end too good, and I know he gon want to bail out as soon as he can. Jackson starts muttering about his mother and her wanting him to work for the government this summer and help change laws for girls like me. Girls like me. What the fuck does that mean? He starts stuttering and stammering and talking about sex traffic and holding pimps accountable. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, what is this boy on? Im tripping and he knows it so he slows down. Jackson pulls the car over and starts trying to explain. Jackson says that his mother has been talking to him about the same thing that Im going through, only they rich people, so they are trying to change the laws so that if a girl gets caught by the police they are rescued instead of put in jail. I didnt even know that people knew that girls that get turned out get put in jail just like the man that buys her. Me and Sugar know girls who have been in jail longer than the trick! Jackson says that his mother knows the Senator over the whole state of California and that this one lady is trying to change that law. Im not sure how that would help me or Sugar unless we in jail, but the look on his face shows how sincere he is. Jacksons mother runs a hospital so she must have a good heart, you have to have a good heart to take care of sick people. He must have a lot of faith in her otherwise why would he risk his world to take me with him? I want so bad to trust and believe, but I already know how its really gon be. Things never ever ever work out for me. I know I got so mad at him when he said a girl like me cause I know exactly what he meant. Good things always go bad for a girl like me. This boy must watch too many movies, cause this move he pulled right here, I know its gon fuck up somewhere. He looking at me smiling wanting some kind of reaction that I cant give him. I know he gon pull over and say get out, any second. I wont blame him, I dont blame him, walking away right now would be so much better than being snatched away later. All I can think is, Stop the damn car, before it gets worse. He does stop. Jackson puts the car in park and puts his fingers to his lips. He leans over and holds me. Its so simple but it feels so good to me. Jackson whispers that his parents are asleep and we shouldnt wake them until the morning. He says he wants his dad to leave first and then hell approach his mom. Jackson says we are going to sneak into his room. I open my eyes for the first time and see that he lives in a Marina, boats are docked at the front of his yard and there is a deck that goes all around the house. Beautiful I live in California and I watch movies and TV, and I know that people live like this, but to actually see it up close is something entirely different. The air smells and looks and even tastes different. I feel so alive and inside myself. My dark thoughts are suddenly gon and I feel like this can work, this will work, it does work. Why else does it feel so good? I feel it, I feel like I belong right here and having him bring me here is confirmation. God must want me to live like this, safe, loved, and away from Bigga and Ella. Jacksons mom may The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 34

even help me find my mom! Maybe theyll treat me like a daughter and love me like one. Jackson quietly opens his door and tells me to come out on his side as well, he takes my hand as we ease up and around his home. Jacksons room had a set of French Doors that Ella was always screaming she wanted when she saw them on TV. No keys or loud clicking locks just a little twist and the soft sound of the door pushing along carpet. Jackson stopped me and we took off our shoes before stepping onto the thick warm rug. Jackson clicked a small nightlight and a soft orange glow filled the room. His room was surprisingly clean for a boy, but then I thought he must have a housekeeper. It was the soft carpet and the loft bed, and the quiet sound of water lapping the dock of the house, but my whole body was suddenly weak. I tried to lay down on the floor, but Jackson picked me up and insisted on the bed. Softness. I want to sleep, so badly. I tucked my legs into his sweatshirt and pushed my face into his chest. I let myself feel it again, and I wrapped my legs around him and held on tight. It was nothing to fall asleep like that. I was warm and safe and free, for now no one could touch me, and I drifted off like that. I dreamed I was looking at a mall map, but the mall was floating. Everything around me was broken and gone and I was surrounded by water. I was holding onto the mall map and looking for Jackson. He was floating away on a boat, but I was too scared to swim to him and I couldnt scream his name! I couldnt say anything, I couldnt breathe. I tried to wake myself up, but I realized I couldnt breathe because someone was actually choking me! So this is death. Chapter Twenty One I dont know whos on top of me, its not Bigga or Jackson but I realize that there is someone on top of Jackson too! This man has his forearm on my throat, I claw at him until I manage to get my arm between my throat and his arm, and I scream. Its not even seconds before the lights come on and a woman and a man with a shotgun come into the room! Its obviously Jacksons mother and his father is pointing the gun in our direction screaming at the two men to get off of us. The man on top of me, scoffs and tells Jacksons father to think twice, but he gets up. I can breathe I stand up and I remember Im in my underwear, these skimpy shorts that I have to put on arent any better and Im wishing hard for some pants or even a long skirt. Im shivering and trying to catch my breath just as Jackson catches his. He jumps up and punches the man who was on top of him in the face. Jacksons father, rifle in hand, steps in between the two, while his mother screams at them. She demands to know whats going on. The man on top of me grabs my arm and says hes come to pick up his property. He talking about me! Im so confused right now and Jackson is just sitting there. Love and protection is lost and the man I loved, the man he was to me all night disappeared and a little boy has appeared. Jackson cant even look at me. Jacksons father tells the man that he wont be taking me anywhere. He called me a young lady, but the man pulls me closer and informs him that Im just a piece of ass his son paid for. The other man, puts his hands over his face pissed at the outburst almost like a little kid, and I realize that the man on top of Jackson is a boy! I start to put two and two together. I think pissed cat must be the school friend who paid for me, and the cat trying to claim me must be Biggas ex cellmate. The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 35

Bigga aint leaving Cypress so he must have sent these two to bring me back. Jacksons mother calls them by name. Jordan is the boy and James is the cellmate, they look alike and I can tell they must be brothers. Darkness is creeping in Im blown away by what is happening so much so that I can see my blood on the walls all over this room. The father informs them he will be taking me to the authorities. The mother asks Jackson what he was thinking bringing me into his bed. To her Im just a hoe, and she looks at me at first with the pitying eyes. Jackson finally tries to speak up, and tell her that its not what she thinks. Her lips are tightened and now shes giving me eyes I cant quite name but then I feel it. Disgust Jacksons father calls her Auvrill and she calls him Winston. Auvrill moves so elegantly and confidently around the room showing the two assholes out the French doors I came in, but not before Winston threatens each one. They didnt seem too effected by his words, but they left, speeding out the driveway. Im shivering cause Im freezing and I cant look at Jackson sitting there looking dumb, so I take my chance to study Auvrill. I try to tune out Winston on the phone asking someone where he can drop me off. I vaguely hear him, but the words some sort of facility and juvenile female are being thrown around. Auvrill cant see it and I dont tell her that I loved her before I saw her and if she knew that and how I really was, she wouldnt see me with disgusted eyes. I forgive her, and Im grateful to Winston, he could have let me go with the cellmate, but he didnt, and I know he thinks hes doing the right thing, so I let go and forgive him too. I know what I have to do, but I dont know if I can. Im so grateful to have my converse sneakers, and I move by the door and sit down to put them on. While Im looking for my chance. Auvrill rummages in Jackson drawers and hands me a pair of clean sweet smelling sweatpants. I put them on grateful for the warmth and grab my little red backpack. Winston left the room and returned without the gun but with a jacket and car keys. I see my chance and I move slowly out the French doors. I take one last look at them talking over Jackson, conversing like a family and its obvious theyre highly concerned by this, but I can tell that they love him. I take one last look at him, and I know that I can let go. Im so angry at him, but I dont have time to waste on going over why Im mad. Ive planned my way out, and I just have to wait for it. Winston walks over to the French Doors with his shoes in hand, he puts the car keys on the desk and sits down to put on his shoes. I grab the keys and run. As soon as I get outside I run all the way to the end of driveway and I can hear Winston running and yelling for Auvrill to bring his shoes, I stop and make sure he can see me and throw his keys as as far as I can. Winston runs in the direction of the keys and I run out of the driveway and back out onto the street. I retrace my steps and manage to get out of the neighborhood and onto a main street. I had to hide three times when cars went by, two were regular people and one was a cop car! I finally found a main street and with the sweatpants and Jacksons school hoodie I could just walk. I tried not to walk too fast or too slow and stuck to the main road. I had no idea where I was going but at least I was free. In the back of my mind I know where Im gon end up. I could have just gone with WinThe Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 36

ston and let him put me back in the system, but I know how that shit works. Ive been taken away or returned seven times. Not one of those times have I ever done anything to anybody, but it doesnt matter. Social workers take one look at your file and see that shit and each time your placement gets worse. Once they start running out of places to stick you, each place gets worse. Ellas is about as bad as it gets, next to the end of the road group homes. I kept walking and weighing my options, when I finally ran up on a gas station. The lady inside gave me the concerned eyes and I tried to look relaxed and normal, I told myself I was just coming back from a party and that my ride left me or was too drunk to drive. Normal If she asked me why I was out so late, I would tell her that. I asked her for directions back to Oakland. She told me this time of morning I would have to take the ferry to San Francisco, and cross town to make it to the trains and buses that go to Oakland. She kept the concerned eyes but she took the time to draw me a map on a little brown paper bag. I had the $88 and could have taken a cab, but I wanted to keep as much of the money for as long as I could. I thanked the woman and worked up a smile and tried to give her the bright eyes before I left. I walked and walked and walked, and when I finally found the ferry I was exhausted. It gave me a lot of time to think though and I knew what I had to do. I keep coming back to how right Sugar was about EVERYTHING. I needed to get real and stick to what I know until I can do better. The best thing for me is to try and stick with Ella and ride out this Bigga thing until Im 18. Im gon try and stay in school too, and see if I can make it to graduation. Guidance counselor lady said that I could maybe win a scholarship to college with the right grades. Im never gon be able to just break free, but maybe I can ease away. Thoughts of Jackson keep trying to creep up in my mind but I manage to push him out. If I wasnt half naked underneath these sweats I could throw his clothes off and into the water, but I cant. The sun is rising and the ride over on the ferry is beautiful. Its mostly service workers and military men on the boat ride with me, and everybody is minding their own business. The few that do look at me give me a pleasant smile. Its like were all soldiers of lifes war. Its then I realize that I am on a boat and in water. I was so exhausted when I got on, I forgot to be scared! My body wakes up to the realization that the boat is moving fast and rocking slightly from side to side. Were inside and there is a light spray hitting the clear glass that covers the seating area. I stand up and put my hands to the doors and take a chance and step outside. I walk close to the enclosed part of the boat, but Im outside. The ferry works on a motor and mechanics, not with a sail, like we talked about, but Im on the water. I close my eyes and put my fingers in the wind, and for just a moment I imagine Jacksons hand in mine. I turn my face into his hoodie and kiss where his face would have touched, and it feels so real and good I actually laugh. I face the water and ease over to the rail holding on for dear life. I tell myself this is the one time I can do it, before I get off this dream. Letting the chain off my heart and the weight off my soul I hold on, I squeeze, and I CRY!

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Chapter Twenty-Two A four-hour walk, one ferry, one bus and a train later and Im back in hell, sometimes known as Cypress. I walk toward the house like its another day, but as I get in the yard my legs begin to shake uncontrollably and I fall down at the window underneath my room. Im not on the ground more than a minute when Bigga is picking me up by my elbow and marching me into the house. We in the house and believe it or not Ella is still drunk and passed out. Im not sure if she woke up and got drunk again or if its the same drunk she was on when I left. Im thinking Bigga gon shove me in the room and tell me to sleep it off, but we head toward the bathroom. Bigga shoves me in there and tells me to clean myself up, cause I got to make up the money. He says my little run last night cost him ends and rep points. He tells me its okay cause Im young, but Im gon learn today. He gives me twenty minutes. I take all of my clothes off but I get in the tub with my shoes, cause something doesnt feel right. I sit down in the tub and my legs are shaking so hard they are actually knocking against the sides of the tub. I cant stop myself from shaking so I try and ease my shoes off. My socks are squishy and red, because my feet are actually bleeding. Im sleepy, my body is exhausted, and my heart is broken and Im supposed to be ready to do what this mutha fucka wants me too, in twenty minutes. NO! I turn on the water full force and loud and I start to cry. I never should have let myself cry on that stupid boat, cause now I cant stop. My feet are tender and sore but I let the water run over them until they stop bleeding. Once there is no more blood, I wash up sitting down, but the thought of standing up again is unbearable. I know that if I dont get up hes going to pull me up and out of this tub maybe even hurt something else. So I stand up. I limp to the room and try and find an outfit that is warm and soothing. Jeans and a tank top will do. I hurry up and put on some cream before he comes in. Just like clockwork Bigga walks up in the room on the nineteenth minute, looking at me and waiting. Im still limping, he does not give a shit, and hes actually laughing at me. I need something warm, and I look around for something to grab when Bigga lunges at me and pulls me out the door. We pass the bathroom and I see Jacksons sweatshirt is still on the door knob. I manage to grab it as he pushes me pass stupid, drunk ass, Ella, and out of the door. I am outside and in the back of Laceds car in an instant. Even if someone was looking for me, they wouldnt find me or see me. These dudes be moving us around so fast. I think back to all of the times Ive been walking around Cypress and seen girls looking and acting just like me. In and out of cars, in and out of bars, alleys, and trucks, bathrooms and bus stations. Im sick with it, how I just ignored and missed it all. Now they ignoring me, so Im stuck. No one to turn to. Bigga starts giving me his speech about the streets, schooling me on how to work it and what to do. All I can think is how I wish he had been rehabilitated instead of locked up. The way he talking is so smooth, but its all on the wrong subject. Its like I could learn from him, but I wish he was trying to teach something different. Teach me something I can actually use. I know that Bigga thinks The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 38

that is what he is doing, but the problem is, I have seen the mountaintop, and I dont want to be back down in the gutter with him. He teaching gutter language and I want to hear God speak. Bigga would rather get a few hundred off of my ass now, than a million later. Why cant he take all of this same time and encourage me to do something with my life? Oh yeah cause he a mutha fucka, and I cant believe in mutha fuckas. No more time to be asking myself why. Now I got to do. I have to know what to do, no more questioning things. I got to be sure about my actions cause the moment I hesitate thats when I get caught up. Bigga is telling me how I blew my status and now I got to hit blocks. This means whoever stop and got some money get a piece of me. Im nodding and shaking my head not saying a word. All I can think about is how Im going to stand. My shoes are still squishy from the blood and I cant tell if my feet are still bleeding or not. They are throbbing and damn near on fire. I know that I cant run like this. I am starting to realize that there is no use in fighting this anymore. I used to think at least God was on my side, but it is clear Im not about to be steered out of this one. I realize that all of the chances I had were heaven sent and I blew them all. Maybe the last chance too. Did I leave Jackson too soon? We pull up on International and Laced parks the car in front of a bar. Its still the daytime and the bar is closed. We sit in the car for so long that I actually fall asleep. I wake up to Bigga calling my name and Im hungry and cold. I wrap Jacksons sweatshirt around my wrist and arm, so Bigga dont take it. The sun has gone down, and weve been sitting in this car, damn near all day. Why? Bigga opens the car door and motions for me to get out. My feet are literally burning with each step and I ease out and onto the sidewalk. Bigga slaps me on my ass and sends me on my way. He point to the corner like Im his puppy and he stands outside the car. Im supposed to look at him when a car approaches me, and hell give me the okay. Then I get in and do whatever. Im so fucking pissed right now I dont know what to do. Im standing there looking stupid for a good fifteen minutes. Bigga is just watching and watching and waiting. A few cars come and go and Bigga shakes his head and I look away and they pull off. One of them calls me a bitch before speeding off. Bigga finally sees the first asshole of the night that he likes and as he pulls up Bigga gives me the okay, so I get in. I dont even look at him. Whats your name? he asks and I tune him out. He pulls off and pumps up the radio. They playing a rap song I used to love, and it makes me think about every stupid rap song I ever sang about the pimp game. All I can see is me singing along mouth open, laughing, thinking Im the shit cause I know all of the words. Now I just feel like a dumb ass, cause the whole time Im singing those songs, I never even thought about what this shit was really like. Cause Im out here cold, hungry, hurting inside and out, and scared. Aint no lights, no camera, no hot car, no backup dancers, no diamonds, and no gold. Aint nothing out here, but me.

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Chapter Twenty-Three He puts his hand on my knee and says that his name is Sam. He doesn't even drive that long, because there are so many side streets and alleys and little hiding spots around here, and it's obvious that he knows them all. I nod my head, but I'm barely hearing anything he's saying. I'm just a fish floating in this river. The whole system just moves without me, no interruption in the flow. He got his hook in me, he'll eat me, then toss out the bones. I imagine what Jackson's mother Auvrill, and that Senator that she knows are doing, to change the laws, its like a dam, and a lot of little fish will get saved. Just not me. Sam asks me again if I'm new, and I tell him I've been around. Shit, this is my neighborhood, I know I been here. Sam tells me that he's sure I'm new, cause he's been around. I actually laugh at that one, cause it's true. He knows I'm fresh, and I guess that's his way of acknowledging it. Whatever, I don't care, I just want this shit over with. Sam says he likes his girls to relax and asks me if there is anything he can do to help me do that? At first I tell him no but then I decide to try and live in the moment and ask for what I really want right in that moment. Sugar I tell Sam I really need to call my friend. Sam doesn't even hesitate and tells me that we can block his number and that I can call anyone I want. I'm so excited I don't know what to do, I try and grab Sam's phone so quickly it drops between the cars seats and the floor. The phone lands somewhere in the frame with a clunk. Sam laughs nervously and tells me that its okay while he tries to stuff his thick sweaty fingers into the seat to get the phone back. It's obvious that his fingers are too big and I wait for him to give up, before I try. Sugar told me about this kind of trick where they just want to spend time, cause they trying to learn how to even be around a woman. I don't get it, but I know I can take my time and drag this out until he got to go, or Bigga come get me. Either way I realize that not all of these tricks even get to the sex, and as stupid as it sounds, that gives me hope that this might not be that bad. I ease my fingers down into the seat and I grab the phone, only it's not his phone, it has a bedazzled 'S' on it. I'm holding the phone and without even trying my body starts to shake so hard, I cannot control myself. Run. My feet are burning so badly I know that I can't run, and Sam is looking at me like it's obvious that we both know that this is Sugar's phone. I turn the phone over to the other side and the screen is cracked, and my heart drops in my foot. I wonder if Bigga and Laced followed us, but I'm too scared to turn around so I scream! Half of me wants to be able to fight back, but after that walk I took last night and no food, I can't do anything. I remember the first three or four hits to my face and chest, but after he got me on the floor and started stomping, I heard a crack and blacked out. I was FREE! The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 40

I am outside of my body. My spirit is in tact, and I can see me. I watched him, you know, but he didn't see the real me. He went to work on my body his feet on my head, neck and face. First my body's face turned purple, and both of the eye's shut, and the bones in my neck cracked. I didn't have to hold my breath, because he couldn't see me, I am the wind. My mother would call that spirit. This is my body's grave, but my spirit is free. I watched him, you know, I watched Sam scream, so loud, a cry really, like a hungry baby. Hungry for love. I am the wind and the wind can see everything, I wanted Sugar so badly that the wind brought us both to the same grave. Because I know now, that Sugar died here, that glittery S with the cracked mirror, found me. I know now and I believe in spirit, it connects us in ways the living don't understand. We were sisters her and me. She knew, she always knew, maybe because of the way she came into this world, or because she loved me. Either way, she found me. Sugar found me. Chapter Twenty-Four When Sam is done he pushes my body out of his car and I in spirit follow. I sit with myself on the curb and look for both of us, because without me, my body cannot see. We are in an alley in a neighborhood, no street camera's and its daytime, there are houses nearby but no one is looking, or so I think. There is a girl, coming towards me, and the closer she gets the more it hurts. She is walking and can't see me but for some reason each step she takes closer to us the more I hurt. I can feel it now. She is standing above us looking down at us, or at my body. She cannot see me can she? When she realizes we are hurt she runs up to the door of a house, she is banging on the door and screaming for help, and dialing a cell phone. People are coming, and as each person gets closer I hurt more and more. Then someone touches me and screams, I am still breathing, I am no longer outside of my body but in. There is no one in here but me. I am cold and alone, but the worse has happened now, so I am no longer scared, but it hurts so much to be in here. Now I know pain. All at once I realize I can float away with my spirit and I can go anywhere. Anywhere... I can turn and float away, I can leave this place, and find something else, I can move faster than the wind, because I am spirit, and spirit is me. I move around in my body and try to hide away from the pain. I tuck myself behind my heart. and decide I want to let go soon. I am so curious to know where my body will end up, so I stay with it for a little while longer. We are in an ambulance. It moves so fast. We are in a hospital. Everyone moves so fast. They put a needle in my body and there is a liquid dripping into me. I don't notice it at first but little by little I can come from behind my heart and stretch out. I let my self be in my feet and legs. At first I was restless, but then I decided to just rest. I didn't even know I was so tired. Then it hit me, no school, no babies, no foster care, no street life. Just rest. The pain comes and the pain goes. When I can't take it, I hide behind my heart and listen. I am in a hospital bed, and the thing in my arm is an I.V. I know that because of Nurse Jeanne. My body hurts so bad and the only way I can stay with it is to hide in spirit. Still, I know The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 41

where I am. I can tell different people from inside of here by their smell and voice. Some people introduce themselves and tell me their name and explain why they are here. I like those people the best. I have lost track of time but I count people. There are at least 10 people who are caring for me, but two that keep coming back the most. They keep talking about a Mrs. Osborne that is coming. The first time Mrs. Osbourne comes is seems like it was right away. Time is coming back to me slowly. I think this is my second day. Nurse Jeanne came in a lot on the first day. Then I could kind of tell that she was gone for a long time and came back again. Plus I am starting to see light again. After Mrs. Osbourne came things changed. It was suddenly much more quiet, and I wasn't cold anymore. My body was starting to warmup. Then she came everyday after that. Everyday she came, but she didn't say anything. I know I smelled her smell before, but I can't place it. It's not my mother or Ella, plus I know if they came they couldn't be quiet. Everyday she came and sat and looked. After about five days of Nurse Jeanne, and seven days of Mrs. Osbourne, Nurse Jeanne muttered under her breath, I don't know who you are but Mrs. Osbourne is taking good care of you. Who is she? I tried to think of her smell and I couldn't. It wasn't the garden teacher, or my guidance counselor, or Ms. Gwen. I still couldn't place it. Each day I could smell new things. Like there were flowers in my room, and food. I hadn't thought about food. The needle in my body seemed to take care of everything. I kept trying to get closer to my head and face and neck but it was all pain. When people came in and did things to my face, I stayed away. Tucked tightly behind my heart, singing. It hurt so much and I knew I could go away and be free again, but I stayed. Why hadn't I let go yet? I was staying with myself for much longer than I thought I would. There were reasons though. Despite the pain I could tell my body was getting better. I knew for sure that my feet didn't hurt anymore, and when no one was looking, I moved down into my toes and wiggled them. It felt so good to have my feet back. I felt so good from the heart down, it was the top of me that was in pain. I knew that it was better to stop counting the days and focus on seeing where my body ended up. Each day though it was obvious that my body was getting better. One day Nurse Jeanne came in and said something in my ear. She said God must have a purpose for me, because I was nearly dead, but I am alive. She said I should come back and see what his purpose was. I wasn't on that religious stuff before. When she said that I heard it. It was after she stopped talking that I realized I was in my head. It hurt so badly but I tried to open my mouth and speak. I tried to say thank you, it didn't come out like that, but it was enough for Nurse Jeanne to start saying hallelujah. She didn't scream it, just kept saying it under her breath over and over again. She went to the door and called out to someone to call the Doctor. I heard Nurse Jeanne announce, I was awake, and my hearing was so good, and I know I am not mistaken, but I heard someone in that hallway, actually cry The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 42

out with joy. Chapter Twenty-Five

They always say that God will never give you more than you can handle. I don't know if I agree, but I sure handled my share. I'm not all on the church thing, but I know that the prayers that Nurse Jeanne poured over me helped. She was sincere about it and that made all of the difference. She didn't just preach about living a righteous life, she did it, in service to mankind, as a Nurse. I love Nurse Jeanne. After I woke up, my recovery speeded up, because I was participating in it. My face hurt so much and I still couldnt see or open my mouth all the way, but my hands worked. I could still write and if it was important then one of the Nurse's or the aide's would give me a paper and pencil to write it down. They worked on my face everyday twice a day. Once when I woke up and again when I went to sleep. They told me to think good happy thoughts and dreams because the body heals itself the most when we are asleep. It took me about two weeks of being awake to realize that they didn't know who I was. They had no name, address, or any information that would give them a clue. My mouth and jaw was wired shut, and swollen, so no dental records. My face was unrecognizable so no picture or Amber alert. I realized that not only did they not know who I was, no one was looking for me. Ella would think I ran away and would call the case worker eventually, and then they would take forever to get back to her. I sure didn't use any of that pencil and paper to write down who I was. Someone came in to ask me, and I wrote down don't know, and because of my injuries they didn't bother me about it again. That ruled out Mrs. Osbourne being a caseworker, or anyone that knew me. Who was she, I wondered for the millionth time. I really focused my dreams on my face healing but especially my eyes. I wanted to see first before I talked or told anyone anything. I wanted to see Nurse Jeanne and Mrs. Osborne and the others who had been taking care of me. My mother was always so scared of hospitals. I guess she taught me to be scared too, but I realize what they were here for, to take care of people in need. I wanted to see them and thank them. The first thing I will do when I get my voice back is thank them. Slowly but surely my eyes are starting to open. A small crack in the swelling and I have a little slit of vision, but the ointment they are putting on them makes my sight blurry. I can see shapes though. I overhear them tell Mrs. Osbourne that I can see, and she doesn't even come in the room. After her visit though Nurse Jeanne comes in and says that I will be moving to a rehabilitation center, courtesy of Mrs. Osbourne. I don't know what to say and Nurse Jeanne has added something to the needle in my arm and I fall asleep. A good deep sleep. When I woke up I was moved. I could tell by the different smells, sounds, and the feel of the bed and blankets on top of me. I could still smell flowers but I could hear water, and I smelled chlorine. We were near a pool. Then I could hear people counting, and saying things like very good. People were working out or probably someThe Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 43

thing like physical therapy. I never realized how much you can learn about your surroundings just by listening. By listening I could tell where I was and who I was with. I m going to listen more often. The nurses here were nice, and there was a lot more of the Mrs. Osbourne this...Mrs. Osbourne that. Each day that went by I could ease closer and closer to my face. After Nurse Jeanne whispered in my ear and I woke up, it was clear that I gave up my chance to leave this body. Now my spirit was stuck, no not stuck, my spirit was staying put, and it was clear that I was going to get better. I was awake, but I spent a lot of time, resting, and then I would just pretend that I was asleep. I wanted to stay asleep until I knew for sure that I was going to wake up and things would be okay. It was good not having to think or worry about Ella or Bigga, and now that I knew for sure Sugar was gone, I could let her go to. I think its time for me to start thinking about who killed her, and who tried to kill me and how he, Sam, is still out there. Maybe he's picking up a girl right now, and doing the same thing. I couldn't help but cry then, because I know that I have to do something, to say something. I have no one to talk to, still. I can tell what time the nurses and the physical therapists are going to come in, and I get myself all settled to pretend to be asleep, so I can just listen to what they have to say. I was still able to tell people by smell, and once they came in the room and saw that I was what they called "not too responsive" then they would be nice. Everyone that came in my room here, would introduce themselves, and tell me what they were here to do. So far I had only tried to open my eyes for Nurse Jeanne, and everyone was waiting for me to do it again. I had been saving my eye opener for one person, and I hadn't seen her for over a week. I knew that Mrs. Osbourne stopped by frequently and even when she didn't she gave instructions to the other nurses what they were supposed to do for me. I couldn't make sense out of who she was, or why she was doing it, but my curiousness was getting the best of me, and I vowed, that when I smelled her I would open my eyes. It took two more sunrises before she came back and dared to enter the room. She opened the door, and she looked in. I could tell she was still making sure I was "not too responsive" when she came in, and I just breathed, and pretended to be asleep. She eased closer and closer to the bed, and when she was close enough, I opened my eyes, and looked through the little slit of sight I had just to put a face to her name, Mrs. Osbourne. I had to blink a few times, to see her clearly, but I knew who it was, and I stared at her for a full minute before she realized that I was actually looking at her. She said hello Jade, do you remember me? Yes of course I do, but how did you get here? She must have known what I was thinking, and she began to explain. She was the first person they called when I was brought in, I was still wearing my son's sweatshirt, and there was nothing else to identify me. She asked me, if I remembered her name. Yes, I do. Auvrill, Auvrill, Auvrill, I loved you before I even met you, because of your son.

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44

Chapter Twenty-Six My recovery hurts. Auvrill Osborne is making it better though. She comes everyday, and everyday she brings something new for us to do. She reads to me. Books, books, books, lots of books, and with no place to go, I have to use my mind, my imagination. I have lost track of the days, but not of the time. I know everything that everyone does, and at what time, it's my way of keeping track. It's my only way of sight. I can't open my eyes yet. They keep saying that they don't know if my eyes will heal. I feel like someone poured sand in them, and I have to wait for one grain to fall out at a time. The doctors and nurses use words for my eyes. Words like broken blood vessels, contusions, lacerations, and torn cornea. Looking back on my time with Sam, I don't really know the extent of what he did, but my spirit found a story to tell me that helped me to survive. I'm grateful for that, but he did so much more to me that I don't know. I want so badly to leave that in his car and on that street. I cannot let it ruin the rest of my life. Auvrill keeps telling me that. In between the books, and when she thinks I'm asleep, she talks to me. She tells me things that I want to hear, things that I need to hear. I listen to everything that everyone that comes in this room says, but I know, that I love Auvrill the best. I don't want to think about what waking up means and what going back means. I only want to go ahead, I only want to go ahead. I only want to go ahead. My recovery is slow, but she is there almost everyday. I am piecing the story of it all, together, little by little. I realize no one knows who I am, and for that, and with that I am safe. Feeling safe is so new for me, and each time I feel afraid, I just say it to myself over and over. I am safe. I am safe. I squeeze the bed beneath me and say, I am safe, I am safe. I listen to the quiet sounds outside of my window, and of others trying to recover to and I say it, I am safe, I am safe. Auvrill tells me if I keep saying it to myself over and over it will be true. She talks to me, you know. Especially when she thinks, I'm asleep. She tells me things that I want to hear, like how Jackson did not talk to her for a month after I left. A whole month! That's 31 days of him thinking about me. She says that she didn't tell him what happened to me, or that she knew, she thought he would never forgive her...for not helping me. She was sorry, she said she was going to make it up to me. I believed her. She told me a lot of things while she thought I was asleep. She talked about Jackson a lot, in ways that I loved. She told me what she thought was important to him. Sailing, and freedom, she told me that she was learning to trust him, learning to trust herself. I slept alot. I slept more than I ever had before. I slept through all of the sleep that I missed before, and I dreamed. It was so quiet here, so peaceful and it was almost like I died and went to heaven and was alive. That's what they keep telling me, and reminding me. They keep saying that I have a chance, to recover, but that I have to participate. I want to, but I need my eyes to open, and my mouth, and my nose, and I want to turn my neck. I want to speak, I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to feel safe, I want to get enough sleep, I want to stay here, I want to go...I want... The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 45

and this is how it goes, for me, on and on each day. I can let go of them, if I want to, but I keep breathing, I keep staying alive. Auvrill Osborne makes it easier. The books, magazines and movies that she brings when she visits, remind me that I can let go. I listened to her, you know, when she read to me, I hear everything. The story that stood out the most, was the one called "True Spirit" It was about a girl, Jessica, Jessica Watson, who sailed around the world. She sailed around the world. The thing that she said that stood out the most, was how when she was young, she was pretty much afraid of everything, and how this one day she was at a pool with her cousins and they all kept holding hands and jumping in together. This girl, Jessica, finally gets tired of just watching them, and she decides to jump in, she's laughing, and giggling and she jumps in, but she doesn't let go, and her uncle has to jump in and save her from drowning. Then she says that she doesn't know how she got from that girl who was almost drowning to the girl who was sailing around the world, but she did it. She doesn't remember the journey, but she did figure out along the way that you have to life life, get involved, pursue your passions, and dream big. Auvrill kept saying that to me, over and over. Live life, get involved, pursue your passions, dream big. Live your life, get involved, pursue your passions, and dream big. Live your life, get involved, pursue your passions, dream big. I started to want to wake up when she said that. I realized that if I wanted my eyes to open, and my mouth, and my nose, and my neck to move, and to speak, sing, dance, feel safe, and sleep, I needed to wake up, for real this time. I needed to live life, get involved, pursue my passions, and dream big. I just keep saying it over and over again, live life, get involved, pursue my passions and dream big. And I'm feeling it, I really am, I know I've got it in me and I'm could do it, and I would do it, and I should do it, and I might do it... and just when I feel it the most and want to jump up and shout, I feel the pain...and its over... just like that... and I ... I have to ask myself, how can I live life with no parents, and how can I get involved when I'm beat up, and how can I pursue my passions with no money, and how can I dream big when even my smallest dreams don't come true. Chapter Twenty-Seven My right eye decided to open today. Just like that it popped open. No more blurriness, just sight. It felt good. That made me want to get up and move around. The room I'm in is beautiful. It's all yellow with blue flowers on the walls and pillows. There are so many gifts in here, flowers, cards, teddy bears, mostly from Nurse Jeanne and Auvrill. I can actually see the names of the books that she had been reading to me, and the magazines. Most of them were about sailing, a few national geographic, and some fashion ones. The books were all by women. She read one book to me, called The Game of Life and How to Play It, and I just knew it was by a man, his name was Francis. Turns out Francis, was really a woman named Frances Scovel Shinn. The book was about exactly what it said it was about, how to play the game of life. There was no player, pimp, gangster, trick business in it either. It was all about believing that you deserved what you wanted, then having the faith and courage to never let that belief go. Ms. Frances said words , like "the The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 46

secret of success" and "your word is your wand." Ms. Frances wrote that just saying what you want, to merely speak something into existence is possible. The catch is, you can't just say it, you must believe it, and if you do, if you really, really, do, it can come true. It was really kind of surprising, and hard to believe but the game of life wasn't about perfect parents, or being lucky, or a hook-up, it was about total 100% faith and belief in yourself. I keep telling myself that cannot be true, but I remember when I was little I felt that, and I know that it is true. What I don't know is if I have the courage to really hold onto that belief and stay faithful to it. I know why I'm having a hard time with this, and why I'm not all on that religious stuff either, because there is no room for belief in yourself in church. Everything in church is about somebody else, what God thinks, what Christ would do, what the preacher gon' say, if the church lady saw you, is the deacon looking, the congregation is watching. Everything in church is about somebody else. This whole book is saying the best places to put your faith is into your health, heart, happiness, and that is what makes God happy. God is happy with me, if I'm happy with me. It sounds so simple, why do grown people always make it so hard. With this one eye open, I'm like a pirate looking for treasure. My gold is to get up and go pee by myself. I realize that this means I'm going to have to start to communicate and talk and get up and basically be myself. I don't want to give up my anonymity. No one knows who I am, and its safer that way. I decided that the best way for me to do this was to not talk. I knew a girl in group that used to act like she was mute, but this one time I had some candy and she really wanted some, and I told her to say please and she actually said it! We were both so shocked we just laughed for about five minutes, and after that she never spoke again. I used to tell people she said "please" but I was so little no one believed me. She was just known for not talking, and it worked for her. I was hoping it would work for me. Auvrill came and saw that I was awake and up. They told her my eye opened but I wasn't talking. She said that was okay she would do all of the talking. Auvrill told me she knew my name, but no one else did. She told me she knew the entire story and that as of now, I was classified as a runaway. I was withdrawn from school and my picture was circulating through the hospitals and shelters. She showed me the flyer, it was an old picture, so old that it didn't even look like me anymore. Auvrill asked me what I wanted to do. She handed me a piece of paper and a pen and I wrote down three words. Learn to swim. Auvrill said I could learn as soon as my face healed, and I was able to get in the water. Auvrill said for now, I could remain anonymous. She told me a lot, about Jackson, how he told her who I was and how he felt about me. She said I inspired him. He went to work with her Senator friend who was trying to pass a law that would protect girls who were "put in my position." I like how she said that, she understood that I woke up one day and I was here, I didn't choose this life. She said she had a plan and that if I wanted to I could try and start fresh. A new life, would mean new choices, and new beliefs. I don't know if I'm ready, but I know I don't want to go back. I want to learn to swim so I'm not afraid of the water, and so I can be near him. I'm starting to believe that if I focus on what I really want instead of what I don't have I might actually get it. I want him, The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 47

I want to be near him, I want to understand what he loves and do what he does, I want to sail with him. I want to use my recovery to catch up to him, I want sail away from this thing with the boy I love. I see Auvrill sitting there and I know she can connect us, but will she? I think that if I can show her I can be good for him, she may love me too. It is possible. Anything is possible. Chapter Twenty-Eight I can only take this one day at a time. My routine is simple but it is the same. I wake up from a nightmare and remind myself to feel safe. Wash my hands, and clean my wounds. I graduated to doing it myself after my other eye opened. I have never been so grateful to see. It makes me want to read EVERYTHING. Participating in my recovery speeded it up, and not talking gave me my mind back. After awhile I could get my own thoughts and put them in order and remember things. Like how I used to dream about things for other people, my mother, or one of her boyfriends, or a group home or a foster family. With my own thoughts I could dream about what was possible for me. I was surrounded by all of the help I needed and this time I was going to let them help me, but most importantly I was going to help myself. I have never ever met anyone who kept their promises like Auvrill. She made sure the doctors told me everything that was going on with my recovery and that I understood it to help myself heal. The cracking sound I had heard wasn't a broken neck but my collarbone. I was immobilized so long my spine and neck had time to heal and by the time my eyes opened, my body really wanted to stretch and move around. I went to the pool everyday. Auvrill gave me flour little plastic tubes that fit around my arms and thighs, and the first day she got in with me and showed me how they helped me stay on top of the water no mater what. I didn't believe her and so I stayed on the steps of the pool for a week, until I saw a little boy in the pool with one leg missing and he was swimming around that pool like a little fish. After that I was moving all around that pool trying to keep up with him. He laughed and laughed and laughed at me, but somehow it made me feel so good. I didn't let myself laugh out loud because I didn't want them to hear any sound coming from me, but it made me think it will be time to say something soon. I just needed to be sure about what I was going to say. I kept to myself mostly and just read. I asked Auvrill to bring me books about sailing and she did. At first she brought little children's books with lots of pictures but after she brought True Spirit, I knew I was ready for harder ones. If you had asked me this time last year about sailing I would have shrugged my shoulders and I would not have cared about it. If I really thought about it, it seemed hard and a waste of time, but now I'm starting to see something different. I'm starting to see the infinite possibility that I can be happy, for longer, and longer periods of time. I have narrowed down my unhappy thoughts to just one. I need my mother. I cannot have her, and it makes my stomach hurt when I think about it. My eyes start watering and then I get angry. I know that I have to move forward though. I can't let her go, but I The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 48

have to find a place to put that hurt. I plan to take it to my happy place. I know that my fear of water won't be conquered until I can put my face in the water and learn to breathe and swim. I've been watching the others and I can see that there is rhythm to it, like a beat and a song. The water is like the beat, the ocean is a drum, and my body is the lyric, moving in time, riding the beat. It doesn't happen at first, it doesn't happen for a long while for me. I sat on the steps of the pool everyday and watched my reflection, and trying to erase the feeling of panic. Someone else held my face under that water, not me. I know in my mind that I can pull my face out of the water anytime I want. I test myself like that, put it in and pull it out. This is my face and my body, and I own it. Everyday after that the fear started to become less and less and my face was in the water more and more. Time was moving so slow, but I knew it felt so fast. This is what normal girls must feel like. Everyday rushing off to do something that we loved, safe and carefree. I wanted that other part, the safe and carefree part. I know what that looks like. When you don't have a real worry in the world, because you know that things are going to be taken care of. I hadn't felt like that in a long, long time. I felt like that with Jackson, he made me feel like things were going to be taken care of. Avurill brought a book that was all about the different knots you used to tie sails on a boat. It came with a length of rope and I sat and practiced my knots for hours. It was deep, how the knots looked like braids and after a few weeks I could tie several of them without using the book. I swam, I read, and I got better. I started to heal myself. One day, one magic step at a time. I kept imagining how I would look for him, how I would be for him. The last step was to say it to Auvrill. How do you tell someone that may not think you are good enough, they you love their son? I decided that when I spoke I would say Ms. Auvrill. It sounded respectful, and beautiful. I thought my mother would be proud, that I remember so much that she taught me. I know that it may sound silly, but I think that I can find my soul on the water. I released myself and let my soul go after Bigga, and I came back to myself for awhile with Jackson, but not since. I think I finally understand what they mean when they say soul mate. I waited for Ms. Auvrill to come by and visit. I pointed out side and used my fingers to show her I wanted to walk. We walked up a little path and away from the staff and the other patients. When I was sure we were far enough and no one could hear me, I grabbed her hand, and opened my mouth. I hadn't thought about how dry and thirsty my voice was, and the first sound was so loud to me, I started to shake. My silence was my protection and I was so nervous and shaking so hard my teeth were chattering like I was cold. Ms. Auvrill held me and kept telling me over and over again, that all I needed to do was say it. She said she has been preparing herself for this and that all I had to do was say it. I told her, in my grown up voice. My beautiful, sexy, full, sounding voice, spoke up for what I wanted. I couldn't look her in the eye when I said it, because I didn't want to see what she looked like if she said no. Real love is something I have wanted my entire life. I never knew from whom or where it was coming from or if it was coming. I learned that you have to take a leap of faith, and The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 49

not be afraid to try again. I couldn't look at her when I said, "I want to love your son, and be with him," but she looked me in my eyes and held my cheeks in her hands when she said yes. She said Yes... to me and I said yes to love. Chapter Twenty-Nine I'm sitting in the front seat of Ms. Auvrill's cadillac looking at my legs. They are long and toned and look great underneath my crisp white shorts and low slung shoes. The gold buttons on my shirt are gleaming in the sun. My outfit feels like butter against my skin and I squeeze her hand and look at her with the grateful eyes, and she looks back at me with the loving eyes. We have agreed to love one another, me and her. Turns out she had her own story, and she said up until me she had forgotten about all of the people that helped her along the way. She said she had forgotten to give back, but that she had remembered, and she was going to start with me. We have been together for over six months, while I recovered. We both agreed to keep things quiet until we figured out how I could get away once and for all. She had friends in powerful places and she made sure they all knew my story, until she found the answers that she wanted. She formed a team of people that cut all of my ties and strings to the foster care system, and my old school. I wasn't adopted, but my emancipation order was granted quietly in a judges's chamber and signed by my team and hand delivered to me with this outfit by Ms. Auvrill. I was free. I was given a day in the city with her and we shopped. I picked out things that were good for sailing and being on a boat all day and all night. Ms. Auvrill helped me and had a private shopper put things together for me. I was going to see Jackson today and I wondered what would he say? It was time to see him, and suddenly I was scared. We hadn't told him anything, about our time together, and I didn't know if he would be angry at us for that. I see the water first and I know we are close. Jackson told me about working with his dad, and Auvrill mentioned it was at the Golden Gate Yacht Club. This is where he is everyday after school, getting in a second sail. I had tried to imagine it that day we met at the hotel, and now I'm seeing it. Seeing is believing and if you believe, wishes do come true. I jump out of the car before Ms. Auvrill can stop or park. She almost calls out my name, but she laughs instead. I hit the ground running. My body healed and came back twice as fast, and I'm working it. I hit the dock and I run it until I see him. He's gotten taller and he is more beautiful than I remembered. He's got his man face on and I can see it. He's surrounded by little boats and he is actually jumping from the dock to one boat and then to another. It doesn't seem possible for someone to look so good. I'm frozen. I can't move and I realize that this may be the last moment this feels perfect. He may not want me like I want him. Still I have to believe he does, just because I do. Jackson turns around and I wave, and I wait. It takes him a minute to see me, and I can see him shielding his eyes from the sun and looking at me, and behind me. Auvrill is at the top of the dock waving him in, and as he gets closer he really, really sees me. I can tell by his smile. The Mystery of Jackson and Jade ! 50

This boy half walks, half runs to me, but I run top speed to him, and right past him, and to the edge of the water. This is it for me, this is where the last of my fear and guilt is. I felt so guilty about getting out, and being alive. It's not right to feel good about your own happiness, or is it? It's not healthy to feel guilty that you made it out and others didn't. I look back at Jackson and he looks confused and scared. I don't want to be the girl that makes him look that way, I want to be the girl that can make her boyfriend smile. So I jump in. New outfit, fresh hair, and new shoes on, but I jump in. I hear him yell at first, before I hit the water. I come up and turn around and he's running toward me, but he's laughing. I swim out, not too far, but far enough to show off my skills. I turn around again and Jackson is in the water, trying to paddle towards me, laughing, and looking at me, like he's not believing what he's seeing. I swim out a little further and I make a promise to God with each stroke, grateful to still be afloat. I promise I will look for my mother but I will find me first, I promise to read everything as long as I can see, I promise to put my face in the water everyday, I promise to use my body and all it's parts in praise and glory to the heavens, I promise to remember the good in Ella and send my light and love to her children, I promise to go see Nurse Jeanne one day soon, I promise to never look for trouble when I can look for good, I promise to love my future husband with all of my heart, I promise to love our children, I promise to love myself. I made too many promises and I'm feeling a little too far out, but I hear Jackson, and he's on my heels. I turn around and he's right there in my face holding a little floating tube that he puts around me. He kisses me full on the lips, spinning us in circles, and not letting go. He says things in my ear that I felt more than I heard and he kisses me again. I couldn't hear him, his words, not over the spray of water in my ears and his laughter, but I heard him clear as day when he said he loved me. What's that you say! I said it too, but I used his name, because this was more than a real date, this was fate, I love you Jackson, I said and then he said it again, "I love you too, Jade." The End

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