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Friendship is not won by the giving of things, but by the giving of the heart.
--- Roy Lessin
Relationship: the state of being related. Related: 1. connected by some understood relationship. 2. connected through membership in the same family. The key is CONNECTION.
Relationship Assumptions
1. Successful relationships are basic to successful living. 2. Keeping relationships healthy deserves a high priority. 3. Your marriage or significant other is your most important relationship. 4. You can learn to understand how to make your relationship work.
Types of Relationships
Family relationships Occasional (anonymous) relationships clerks, waiters Casual relationships (acquaintances) some people at work, professors, classmates Friendships people with whom you seek interactions, whose company you enjoy Romantic relationships passionate, emotional connection, usually reciprocal
Aspects of Friendship
Keeps confidence Loyalty Warmth/affection Supportiveness Frankness Sense of humor Willingness to make time for me Independence Good conversationalist Intelligence Social conscience
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Clich Conversation
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Clich Conversation
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Clich Conversation
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Clich Conversation
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Clich Conversation
Close Relationships
Relatively long-lasting Frequent interaction Mutual activities Impact of interactions is strong
Marriage is not just a happily ever after ending, but a lifetime of I choose to love you beginnings.
--- Matt Anderson
A lasting marriage results from a couples ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.
Styles of Marriages
Validating
Volatile Avoidant
Validating
Listen and understand each partners point of view Value other while disagreeing
more like problem-solving discussions negotiate compromises
Volatile
Fight on grand scale--make up on grand scale Highly engaged with each other See selves as equal parties in relationship Easily express feelings, opinions, & thoughts Risk: slide into too much fighting
Avoidant
Conflict minimizers Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug Low level of companionship High degree of autonomy Risk: Encountering problem too big to avoid
Emotional Ecology
Need to strike a balance of positive/negative
magic ratio: 5 to 1
Healthy marriages represent three ways of adapting to achieve the balance Unhealthy marriages which do not adapt can be recognized by warning signs:
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Criticism
Attacking someones personality rather than behavior Blaming & accusing
You statements
Contempt
Criticism with intention
deeper, more personal attack
Includes
insults & name-calling hostile humor & mockery body language
Defensiveness
Elicited by criticism & contempt Includes:
denying responsibility --making excuses disagreeing with mind reading --yes-butting cross complaining --Rubber man/woman repeating self --whining
Stonewalling
Communication shutdown Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness Found in men more than women
Cycle of Negativity
Four horsemen are hard to tame If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade occurs Flooding occurs--system overload Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation cascade