THE ART OF BEING ASSERTIVE By T Sivasankaran Advesh Consultancy Services Chennai tss@advesh.

com

Assertiveness is not about trying to Dominate others

WHY ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING?

Assertiveness training can help to recognise when they are being abused or maneuvered for someone else's benefit, and how to resist such treatment effectively without becoming angry and aggressive. Assertiveness training can help to enhance self confidence. Assertiveness training helps to learn how to persuade people to do as they wish without having to become a bully.

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Mastery

Skill

Knowledge

Awareness

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FOUR BEHAVIOURS

Assertive

Area of choice

Area of no choice

Passive

Manipulative

Aggressive

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PASSIVE
Offering no opposition ; submissive. This communicates a message of inferiority Here the person acts like a doormat, downplaying their own needs and willing to fit in with the wishes of others in order to keep the peace at any price. It may be accompanied by general passivity, nervousness and a lack of eye contact.

PASSIVE
Put yourself down - "I never know what to do". Put other peoples' needs first - "You need it more than me". Say "It doesn't really matter" when it does? Not say what you really want - "I don't know", "I don't care" (while thinking "I do") Let others choose for you - "No, no, you decide".

AGGRESSIVE
Forceful and offensive. Attack without provocation. This always communicates an impression of superiority and disrespect. This may occur where a person is trying to impose their views inappropriately on others, and it may be accompanied by threatening language and an angry, glaring expression.

AGGRESSIVE
Meet your own needs at the expense of others. I will use your phone Tell people (sometimes everyone) what you feel and hurt others in the process. You are very slow You dont know Make choices for other people. Lets have coffee Hurt other people to get what you want.

MANIPULATIVE

This typically occurs where a person seeks to ingratiate themself with another through flattery and other forms of deceit. It may be accompanied by cloying over-attention and a simpering, smarmy voice

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ASSERTIVENESS
State clearly and forthright. Is the ability to express yourself and your rights in an open, non-confrontational way.

ASSERTIVENESS
Is honest without being rude or hurtful. Im sorry; but I cant give you any cash please Is about what you really want. I will have Coffee Allows others to feel safe and get what they want too. What do you like to have? Is respectful of yourself and of others.

Does not intentionally hurt people.

Assertiveness takes time, patience and guts. It doesn't "just happen".

The key to assertiveness is clear, open and honest discussion that does not blame, ridicule or put other people down.

COLD SOUP
Say to the waiter is this soup supposed to be cold? Leave the soup Walk out Complain loudly. say in a loud voice its the last time I shall bring anyone here Tell the waiter I'd like to see the manager Tell the waiter that you would like the price of the deducted from the bill.

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COLD SOUP

Say to the waiter this soup is horrible. take it away and bring us some decently prepared food at once Ask the waiter "is there something wrong with your electricity supply or gas? Ask the client if he wants to complain about the soup. When the waiter comes to collect the dishes say we could not finish the soup. the flavour was nice but it was not very warm- quite cold in fact Eat the soup anyway. Say to the waiter The soup is cold. Would you replace it please?
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WHAT IF??
Form pairs 40 situations are listed Understand the situations and relate to your own life. If there are situations you have not experienced directly, relate to similar situation Discuss with your partner and list where you had been asseretive,passive and aggressive.

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A member of your team is constantly late for duty. 2. You feel your colleague is possessive of information which you need to complete your job 3. You are asked to take on additional work, although you are working to full capacity now. 4. A customer/client is rude and abusive to you on the telephone.
1.
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Your spouse persists in a habit which annoys you. You want to watch Cricket Old clips and your family wants to watch Jack Pot You meet with your friend who is bore and he wants to tell you about his latest hobby. Someone pushes in front of you in a queue A friend/relative asks to borrow some money from you.

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WORK SITUATION
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Your boss introduces a new system which you can see to be flawed. Your boss finds an error in your work and scolds you in front of your colleagues. Your boss criticizes you unjustly in private. A member of your team is constantly late for duty. During office hours, two of your staff spend an excessive amount of time chatting about their private life. Your boss expects you to shoulder more responsibility than you feel you are paid for or your status reflects. You know your standard of work to be very high possibly better than most in your section- but your boss is critical of you. makes a racist remark.

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WORK SITUATION
9.

10.
11.

12. 13. 14. 15.

Your boss by-passes you and admonishes one of your staff for errors committed. You feel your colleague is possessive of information which you need to complete your job. You take a group of your clients/guests for lunch, but the waiter ignores you, addressing a member of the groups if he were the organiser of the party. You are asked to take on additional work, although you are working to full capacity now. A customer/client is rude and abusive to you on the telephone. A customer/client is rude and abusive to one of your staff. A customer/client/boss/colleague

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AT HOME
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Your spouse persists in a habit which annoys you. Your spouse refuses to discuss problems and just goes silent and moody. Your spouse cannot discuss problems without getting angry, defensive or aggressive. Your family wants a holiday/travel to Hill Station but you wanted a pilgrimage. Your spouse accepts an offer for dinner from your relative and you would prefer not to accept. You want to begin a hobby which involves lot of time away from home. After asking opinion from your spouse on purchase of certain household furniture, you want to buy your choice. Your children do not do enough to help in the house. One of your parents criticizes you about the way you are handling your children You want to watch Cricket Old clips and your family wants to watch a Reality Show
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GENERAL SITUATIONS
1. 2. 3. 4.

You buy a shirt from a market trader. After one wash, it shrinks to a third of its original size. A colleague persists in asking questions about your private life which you would prefer not to talk about. You are about to begin a meal in a restaurant. A man at the next table, lights up a cigarette You meet with your friend who is bore and he wants to tell you about his latest hobby.

5.
6. 7.

You are relaxing with a cup of coffee in a restaurant. Quietness was shattered by a group of young people
Someone pushes in front of you in a queue. You are overcharged in a restaurant.

8.

A doctor tells you that you have chronic knotakulvirus and you will need to take 4 capsules of Nasticycline daily.

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GENERAL SITUATIONS
9.

You dont like to give your motorcycle to anyone nor do u like to take the motorbike of any of your friends. A friend makes a request for using your motorbike for an hour . In a shop a salesperson takes lots of pain to find something which will fit your requirements. But actually it does not. Someone telephones just as you are sitting down to a meal. You feel angry/hurt as the way your friend has treated you. Some one is making an insulting remark about a person you like and admire. You are chatting in a group of friends/relatives. And one person makes a remark about you which you feel to be a put down.

10. 11. 12. 13. 14.

15.
16.

A friend/relative asks to borrow some money from you.

You need to ask for the repayment of money you lent to a friend of yours.

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ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUE

OVERVIEW

ASSERTIVENESS --START

Thinking assertively Feeling confident Behaving positively

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To be assertive

You need to:

Value yourself and others around you. (Think) Think about what you want, and think about whether it is fair (Think) Discuss your needs and feelings clearly, openly and honestly. (Feel)

Stay calm, cool and collected while talking about them. (Feel)
Be open to new ways of thinking about yourself, others and situations.(Think) Give compliments to people and take them when you get them back.(Behave)

Be open to fair criticism and not be afraid to make fair criticism yourself. (Behave)
Acknowledge yours and others rights. (Behave) Negotiate and make compromises. (Behave) Problem-solve and collaborate with others to do this.(Behave)
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MOST IMPORTANT

EYE CONTACT

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ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUE
1.

2.
3. 4. 5.

Creating self esteem Communication - Your voice and language Communication - Body language Persistency - Broken record and workable compromise Handling Criticism Fogging and Negative assertion

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CREATING SELF ESTEEM

WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM?

SELF ESTEEM

Look at your personalities Be conscious of your abilities Feel proud of your achievements

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The 'Bill of Assertive Rights' in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty reads as follows:

You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them. You have the right to say, 'I don't know'. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions. You have the right to say, 'I don't understand'. You have the right to say, 'I don't care'.
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CREATING SELF ESTEEM

Complete the following with a positive statement about a personal quality, attribute or achievement Examples I am knowledgeable about Local market I can identify potential customers I think I am good in communication I believe in my judgment about people

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CREATING SELF ESTEEM

I am
I can I think

I believe

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COMMUNICATION

VOICE AND LANGUAGE

ASSERTIVE WORD CHOICE

Use I statements rather than You statements. Use factual descriptions instead of judgments or exaggerations. Express thoughts , feelings , and opinions reflecting ownership Use clear , direct requests or directives when you want others to do something , rather than hinting , being indirect , or presuming

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I STATEMENTS

You always interrupt my talk.

I would like to explain without interruption.

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FACTUAL DESCRIPTIONS

If you dont change your attitude, you are going to be in real trouble. If you continue to arrive late , I will be required to place you under suspension. If you do not score good marks, I will not support your higher education.
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REFLECT OWNERSHIP
He makes me angry by coming late. I get angry when he comes late. The only sensible policy is to match the competition. I believe matching the competition is the best policy.

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CLEAR AND DIRECT

Would you mind taking this to Mr. Ram Will you please take this to Mr. Ram Please take this to Mr. Ram Why dont you stop on the way home and pick up vegetables? Will you please pick up vegetables on your way home? Please pick up vegetables on your way home.

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DOS
Be respectful, realistic and honest Express preferences and priorities Express feelings honestly Say no politely and firmly

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DONTS
Dont say I cant or I wont be able to Dont depersonalize feelings or deny ownership Dont exaggerate, minimise , or use sarcasm. Dont defer to be sociable or agree unwillingly

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NONASSERTIV E Quiet, soft , higher pitch Hesitation , stopping in midstream Nervous laughter Statements sound like questions

ASSERTIVE Resonant , firm , pleasant Smooth , even flowing , comfortable Laughter only with humour Voice tones stay even
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AGGRESSIVE Loud or harsh or steely quiet Biting off words, precise , measured delivery Sarcastic laughter Statements sound like orders or pronouncements
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COMMUNICATION

BODY LANGUAGE

BODY LANGUAGE
Voice

tone Volume Pace Eye contact Facial expression Gestures

Movements

Posture
Muscle

tension Clothing Hair style Eye glasses

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BODY LANGUAGE
P0STURES

NON ASSERTIVE

ASSERTIVE

AGGRESSIVE

Slumped

Erect and relaxed

Erect, tense, rigid

Shoulders forward
Shifting often

Shoulders straight
Few shifts Head straight

Shoulders back
Jerky shifts Chin up Sitting: HEELS ON DESK,HANDS BEHIND HEAD

Chin down
Sitting: LEGS ENTWINED Sitting: LEGS TOGETHER/CROSSED

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BODY LANGUAGE

GESTURES

NONASSERTIVE

ASSERTIVE

AGGRESSIVE

Fluttering hands Twisting motions Shoulders shrug Frequent head nodding

Casual hand movement Relaxing hands Hands open

Chopping with hands Clenched hands or pointing Sweeping arms Sharp, quick nods

Occasional head nodding

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BODY LANGUAGE

FACIAL EXPRESSION

NONASSERTIVE

ASSERTIVE

AGGRESSIVE

Lifted eyebrows, rapid Relaxed, thoughtful, blinking caring look, few blinking Nervous or guilty smile Genuine smile
Chewing lower lip Relaxed mouth Shows anger with averted eyes Shows with flashing eyes and serious look

Furrowed brow, unblinking glare

Sarcastic smile Tight jaw Shows with disapproving scowl, very firm mouth

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Dominance/Power
Making piercing eye contact Putting hands behind head or neck Placing hands on hips Standing while counterpart is seated Steepling

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Submission/Nervousness
Fidgetting Making minimum eye contact Touching hands to face , hair etc Using briefcase to guard body Clearing throat

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Disagreement/Anger
Getting red Pointing a finger Squinting Turning body away Crossing arms or legs

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Boredom and Lack of Interest

Failing to make eye contact Playing with objects Staring blankly Picking at clothes Looking at watch/door

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Uncertainty/Indecision
Cleaning glasses Looking puzzled Putting fingers to mouth Biting lip Tilting head

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Suspicion/Dishonesty
Touching nose while speaking Covering mouth Avoiding eye contact Crossing arms/legs Moving body away

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Confidence, Cooperation and Honesty

Leaning forward Keeping arms and palms open Maintaining great eye contact Placing feet flat on floor Sitting with legs uncrossed Smiling

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PERSISTENCY
BROKEN RECORD AND WORKABLE COMPROMISE

BROKEN RECORD
A SKILL THAT BY CALM REPETITION- SAYING WHAT YOU WANT OVER AND OVER AGAINTEACHES PERSISTENCE WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO REHEARSE ARGUMENTS OR ANGRY FEELINGS.

WORKABLE COMPROMISE

WHENEVER YOU FEEL THAT YOUR SELF RESPECT IS NOT IN QUESTION, OFFER A WORKABLE COMPROMISE TO THE OTHER PERSON.

ACTIVITY
ROLE PLAY SAY NO

SAY NO

On a Sunday morning, your brother in law comes home and asks for your vehicle for his use for a day. You dont want to give. One of your friends asks for a loan of Rs 1000. You have cash with you and your friend is aware of it. You need to refuse.
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SAY NO

A customer is insisting on delivery of product the same day and you can not do the same. Say no without losing the customer Your boss wants you to achieve 100% more than the previous year. You feel this is not possible. Use the techniques to assert yourself
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HANDLING CRITICISM

FOGGING NEGATIVE ASSERTION

CRITICISM
Usually people react to criticism by avoiding it, taking it to heart or reacting aggressively to it.
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TIPS TO HANDLE CRITICISM

Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it.
Don't take it to heart. React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person. Be prepared for constructive criticism.

This does not include blaming, put-downs or attempting to hurt someone to get what you want.

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FOGGING
A SKILL THAT TEACHES ACCEPTANCE OF MANIPULATIVE CRITICISM BY CALMLY ACKNOWLEDGING TO YOUR CRITIC THE PROBABILITY THAT THERE MAY BE SOME TRUTH IN WHAT HE SAYS, YET ALLOWS YOU TO REMAIN YOUR OWN JUDGE OF WHAT YOU DO.
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FOGGING
Requires some self-control Stay calm in the face of criticism, and agreeing with whatever may be fair and useful in it. By refusing to be provoked and upset by criticism, you remove its destructive power.

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NEGATIVE ASSERTION
A SKILL THAT TEACHES ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR ERRORS AND FAULTS WITHOUT HAVING TO APOLOGISE BY STRONGLY AGREEING WITH CRITICISM OF YOUR NEGATIVE QUALITIES.

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SOME SCENARIOS play

Role

ACTIVITY

Your boss criticises you for something that you know without a doubt you didnt do

A new member of your Team is critical of your Department and always tell we in Company X would do like this

You will have to give feedback on performance of your Assistant. He is making good progress but still makes careless mistakes.

Ask someone not to smoke in your cabin/home/room. He does not stop.

You would like to eat out tonight. But your wife does not want to go out for dinner

You are talking to someone on a matter of great importance to you. Their body language tells you that they are not really listening to you.

Your neighbour keeps TV volume very high and it irritates you.

You have to send your monthly sales report and you were waiting for some information from Accounts for you to complete. There is delay in getting the information and the person is attending to some other unimportant work

assert

Listen - understand, put yourself in others' shoes and ask for clarification.
Keep calm - deep breaths, take your time, and allow others to express their feelings. Be prepared - stick to facts. Compromise - try and find a "winwin" solution.
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assert

Remember that just because someone says something you don't have to believe it. Put a stop to the put-down as soon as possible. Choose to leave the situation. This might take persistence, being open to negotiation or compromise and having the ability to ask for and accept constructive criticism.
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THANK YOU