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Essay 1 Reminders and Tips for Revising

Revising Essay 1
You have two weeks from today to revise Essay 1. I will only take whichever score is the highest. Read my comments very carefully. Consider seeing a tutor in the English Writing Center (hours on syllabus). Make sure you bring the prompt!

General Reminders
MLA format includes a header at the top right of the page (Smith 1). Give your essay a creative title such as Connecting and Coping through Music Avoid clichs such as Music makes the world go round. Book titles such as The Gettin Place are italicized, not put in quotes. Essay and article titles are put in quotations.

General Reminders
If you choose to bring in information from a text like The Gettin Place, you need to provide evidencetextual support from the book. Give specific examples from the book and include page numbers. Introduce the quote or information from the text and show how it fits into the point you are making.
There is also an example of how people use music to cope with trauma in The Gettin Place. When Marcus has been released from jail and is at his home in a deep depression, he turns on Brother Lobos radio show and lets the music take him away (323).

General Reminders
If you chose the topic about music: Make sure you are making a specific point about music rather than just listing a bunch of things music does. Write about your specific experiences and observations with regards to specific ways that people use music. Focus on specific events, songs, etc.

General Reminders
If you chose the topic about doubleconsciousness: Make sure you dont turn this into just a narrative or a story. You should be specifically using the wording of the promptrefer to your double consciousness. Make sure you are focused on explaining the two (or more) identities or personas you have had to take on to exist in two (or more) worlds.

A Warning
DO NOT use any outside information (internet) unless specifically told to. I specifically chose topics that would not require you to use anything other than your own experiences and observations. Using someone elses ideas (not exact words) or exact words without giving credit is called PLAGIARISM. This is a serious offence that can get you kicked out of school.

Essay Format Reminders

How Do I Write an Introduction?


First, you want to start by introducing the topic in a general way (1-2 sentences).
Make sure to do this in a way that grabs your readers attention!

How Do I Write an Introduction?


Next, you want to start narrowing down your topic and getting more specific (1-2 sentences).

How Do I Write an Introduction?


Then, you want to state your main point about your topic. This is your THESIS STATEMENT! (1-2 sentences)

Thesis Statement Reminders


You need to go beyond just stating the topicyou want to make a specific point about the topic. Music is something that is very important. Two important ways that people use music are to connect to others and their culture and to deal with trauma.

Thesis Statement Reminders


You dont need to announce what you will do in the essay; instead, state your specific main point. In this paper I will talk about all the ways people use music in their lives. Two important ways that people use music are to connect to others and their culture and to deal with trauma.

How Do I Write an Introduction?


If you want, you can then: state the supporting points you will use to support your thesis statement.

Heres an Example Introduction


For thousands of years, people have used art to communicate with one another. One of the most meaningful ways humans communicate with each other is through music. Ever since the first caveman beat on a surface in a rhythmic way, humans have used music in meaningful ways. Two important ways that people use music are to connect to people and cultures and to deal with trauma. I have seen this in my own life and in the life of my sister, Rebecca.

Whats Next???

Body Paragraphs!

Each Body Paragraph Needs a Specific Focus


Look at your body paragraphscan you easily tell what the focus of each body paragraph is? Could you state it in one sentence? This is something that you usually discover in the prewriting/planning stage, before you even begin to outline.

How Do I Write a Body Paragraph?


Start with: a topic sentence that clearly states what that paragraph is going to be about.

Topic Sentences
The first sentence of your body paragraphs should accurately predict what that entire paragraph is going to be about. Your topic sentences should also relate back to your thesis statement.

How Do I Write a Body Paragraph?


After your topic sentence, give plenty of:

SPECIFIC details and examples! Examples from what you have experienced and observed Examples from The Gettin Place if you chose to do this

Example Body Paragraphs

One important way that people use music is to connect to people and cultures, and I experienced this myself when I was in Mexico with my grandpa. When I was twelve years old, my grandpa took me to his hometown for the first time. It was a wonderful trip overall, but the most memorable moment centered around music. My grandpas cousins threw him a party, and there was a Mariachi band that played. When I felt the rhythms and heard the lyrics, I felt connected to this place I had never visited and to a culture that was still somewhat new to me. Furthermore, I felt connected to my grandpa in a way I never had. He was always pretty serious and quiet, but when the music started to play, he took my hand and danced with me, and his face took on a life I had never seen. I never would have been this connected to the Mexican culture and my grandfather without that lively, bouncy music and what it represented to my grandpa.

Example Body Paragraphs


Another important way that people use music is to cope with emotional trauma, and I saw this when my sister Rebecca lost her best friend. When Rebecca was sixteen her best friend committed suicide. I had never seen my sister as devastated as she was when that happened. She wouldnt leave her room, she stopped hanging out with her friends, and she missed weeks of school. The only thing she would do was listen to punk music, often times blasting it so that the entire house shook with the rhythm of the drums and guitars. My mom thought that the angry music was making my sisters depression worse, but actually, it was helping her work through her anger and pain. My sister was able to connect to the anger and energy of the music. In fact, my sister began to attend live music shows and slowly started connecting to other people and making friends because of this shared interest in the punk music. This music helped her break through her emotional trauma when nothing else could.

Am I Done Yet???

How Do I Write a Conclusion Paragraph?


First: Remind the reader what the topic was. Then: Remind the reader what your position is/what your thesis statement is. Conclude with: some new insight on the topic or look to the future.

Example Conclusion
The power of music can not be underestimated. Music can transform peoples lives in its ability to allow people to connect with others and deal with trauma. There is a reason parents fear explicit rap lyrics and angry rock n roll guitar riffs. Music is a powerful tool. As I look forward in my life, I hope that I can continue to use music to connect with others and heal.

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