The Soldiers Project

Free, Confidential Psychological Counseling For Military Service Members and Their Loved Ones

Challenges for Military Families

Website: www.tspsacramento.org Email: Sacramento@TheSoldiersProject.org Local: 916-792-3728 Toll Free: 877-557-5888

By Becca Bettis MA/PSYC Program Manager

The Soldiers Project Sacramento

The Unique Culture of the Military

THE FORTRESS / WARRIOR SOCIETY The Paradox of The Military
Its

Members Do Not Live In Democracy Themselves

Authoritarian Structure
89%

of Military Children identify their families as authoritarian

Run A Tight Ship At Home

An

imbalance in authority and Family Boundaries Military Families are often organized like a miniature army.

Trials & Tribulations of the Military Family

For those families where the Authoritarian Military Structure extends into the home, this parenting style can work, at least at the elementary school level. Children rebel against authoritarian parenting style Major problems exist when Tyrannical and sometimes abusive family behavior is exhibited. Children blame military for all of their problems.They DO NOT have the choices they see other young people making

Trials & Tribulations of the Military Family

An average tour of duty may be three years and moves may be more frequent. Children have gone to many schools by the 7th and 12th grade. Many have never visited their grandparents homes. Many have no idea what having contact with kids they knew in elementary school was like. Everything appears temporary, so the focus is inward Us vs. Them. Many military families are seen as transient and are often targets of mistrust and hostility.

The needs of the Parent System take precedence over the needs of the children. There is difficulty meeting the fundamental needs of Trust and Safety for their children because the family is consumed with dealing with the needs of the parents.

Parental Characteristics

The belief that the child does not have a problem, but instead is the problem. The child does not have a need (anxiety, depression, academic issues), but rather is lazy, stupid or screwed up. Children detach from feelings as they learn that their feelings are of little or negative value. Responsibility for meeting the emotional needs become skewed because parents are either physically not present or emotionally unable to address the needs of the child.

Parental Characteristics

Children learn that their own feelings are a source of discomfort and tend not to develop a sense of trust in their own judgments.

Because of the emotional unavailability of the parent, children often learn not to trust others or themselves.

From a mental health perspective, it is very important to recognize that veterans do not experience war alone and that the experience of war does not end when a tour is over.

By early January 2007, those that lost their lives, over 47% were married, leaving behind almost 2,000 children

Modern Military Is Demanding On Families

Frequent separations and reunions Regular geographic household relocations Life under the Mission Must Come First Need for family to adapt its natural growth and development to rigidity, regimentation and conformity.

Early retirement from career in comparison to civilian counterparts

Modern Military Is Demanding On Families

Rumors and background threat of loss during a mission Feelings of detachment from mainstream of non-military life

Security of a vast system that exists to meet families needs

Work that more than likely involves travel and adventure Social effects of rank on family Lack of personal control over pay, promotion and other benefits

5 Types of Families
A. B.

Nuclear Family Spouse and Children Extended Family Relatives and very close friends

C.
D. E.

Military Family Unit Specific unit to which one is attached

Neighborhood Family Friends in the community of residence Service Family Branch of service providing support services

4 Types of Isolation
A.

Geographic Family is separated physically from its support system Social Isolation Support is only available at the level of acquaintance Emotional Support of Deep friendships and lasting ties are not available

B.

C.

D.

Cultural Isolation Lack of access to visual/performing arts, education and intellectual endeavors

Unique Challenges and Strengths of Military Children

There

are almost 500,000 military children 5 years of age or younger. More than 600,000 children of service members are school age. school age children primarily attend civilian public schools and they almost always represent a subculture in these schools.

These

Nomads
They think of themselves as Nomads Where are you from? Where is your home?

Adapting Children
Extremely

diligent to fit in the new environment and to find a niche quickly

Many

of these children live in fear of not being accepted... Who will they eat lunch with? Are they still going to be a star on the basketball team as they were at their last school?
Learning

to say goodbye... A learned skill and learned very early in life. Stuff their hurt, loss and pain for the Good of the Mission.

External Focus of Control

Because

their parents do not have control over the constant changes, for many military children the message is that all control is external.

Life In The Fortress

Characteristics What

of Secrecy, Stoicism and Denial are shaped by many military families. goes on in the family could have disastrous ramifications to the military parents career. This can lead to the closing down of feelings of resentment, hopelessness, grief and fear that can lead to a denial of self, rage toward self and others or simply giving up.

Developmental Age Differences

Infants - May refuse to eat and appear listless. Unwillingness to eat and weight loss. Early intervention/modeling parenting skills should be implemented.

Toddlers They begin to throw temper tantrums or crying increases. You should increase attention, hugs and handholding.

Developmental Age Differences

Preschoolers - May revert to younger behaviors, such as, baby talking and thumb sucking. Reassure child with words and extra attention. Elementary School Age - Whining, complaining, become aggressive or otherwise acting out feelings. Give child permission to talk about their feelings and offer more physical attention than usual. Teenagers - May be irritable, rebellious, fight or participate in other attention getting behaviors. Child has a lack of interest in school, peers and school activities. You should encourage them to stay engaged (through sports and social activities). Give them permission to express their feelings even if negative and be available to talk with them about their concerns.

How You Can Help

Maintain consistency and routine to eliminate a sense of insecurity. Have a predictable routine and home life. Maintain good communication with honest ageappropriate discussions. Pay attention to the needs of the children and continue to encourage good times to take away some of the pain of deployment. (special events, hobbies, etc.) Encourage them to maintain a healthy lifestyle by having nutritional foods, exercise and sleep.

How You Can Help

Find out if parents left in charge are treating the children as if they are adults. The children need to be able to remain children.

Acknowledge a need for reassurance, especially when children feel loss of control or stability.
Create good behavior plans. Set limits and have LOGICAL consequences. NOT punitive.

Some Extra Tips for Schools

At the pre-school and elementary level, schools could create bulletin boards where students bring pictures or write something about their deployed parent(s). At the Middle School/Junior High Schools, counseling groups can be effective for those students whos parents are deployed. At the High School level, counselors can develop small group counseling or support sessions with students of those that are deployed.

Some Extra Tips for Schools

Encourage

all staff to be careful of voicing their personal opinions about the war or political situation. Keep news reports to a minimum or create alternative assignments for those students of the deployed.