Developing Assertiveness

What is this session about?

Define passive, aggressive, & assertive behaviors Assertiveness important life skill Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general Handling criticism/verbal attacks against your ideas Role play group exercise Summary

3 Categories
Passive do not confront problems & people, dislike rocking the boat Aggressive ignores other peoples feelings, open & direct, not good at taking criticism Assertive able to state views/opinions w/o upsetting others, win-win situation, proactive

So what exactly does assertiveness mean?

It is getting your thoughts across and dealing with a situation in a straightforward manner without harming others.

Why is this important?

Because it is an essential workplace skill.
Because genuinely assertive people are better to work with. They establish more effective relationships.

Technical and professional skills are highlighted by excellent interpersonal skills

Traits of an assertive person

Confident in a relaxed way Able to openly state views/opinions w/o upsetting others Do not ignore problems looks for win-win situations Proactive looks for solutions instead of blaming others Able to admit mistakes w/o excessive apologizing

The Assertiveness Continuum of Behavior

Passive Self-denying
Inhibited

Assertive Self-enhancing
Expressive

Others choose Choose for self Uncertain, anxious, Confident, feels depreciates self good about self Does not achieve desired goal(s) May achieve desired goal(s)

Aggressive Self-enhancing at expense of others Over-expressive Choose for others Depreciates others
Achieves desired goal(s) at expense of others

Handling criticism in general

Passive Response Assertive Response Aggressive Response
You simply attack back

You simply Maintain self accept criticism esteem if criticism is true and defuse critics anger

3 assertive techniques to use for handling criticism

1. Fogging this is useful if theres some truth to the criticism or attacker is very angry
Agree with any truth in criticism Yes I did come in late last night.

More fogging techniques

Agree with the possibility you could be wrong Yes, I might have come in late other nights this month.
Agree with attackers logic Yes, I can understand why you think Im selfish.

Last 2 fogging techniques

Accept attackers feelings I can understand why you are feeling angry with me. Allow for improvement Yes, I could get in earlier.
*By keeping calm, you control the situation.

2nd assertive technique to use for handling criticism

2. Negative assertion use this if you know for sure you have done something wrong.
If you calmly admit mistake w/o excessive apologizing, both you and attacker can maintain dignity and anger of attacker is defused.

Negative assertion techniques

Agree with criticism Yes, I do talk too much in class. Yes, I am moody sometimes.
Agree with the critics values Yes, I should have worked harder. Yes, what I said last night was stupid.

Should I say Im sorry?

Yes but only if you really are.
An insincere apology can just make the situation worse.

3rd assertive technique to use for handling criticism

3. Negative Inquiry best to use if:
a) You are not sure why you are being criticized b) You suspect that the criticism is not based on factual evidence c) You have a strong hunch that critic is trying to manipulate you.

Negative Inquiry
Critic: I think youre really selfish. You: Hhmm, can you give examples of how and when Ive acted selfishly?
Critic: Im really disappointed at your performance in this project. You: Oh, can you tell me what Ive done to disappoint you?

What to do when your ideas get attacked

This is a useful life skill.
Ideas part of our identity. Rejection of our ideas rejection of us.

Technique?
Try and anticipate their attack and plan ways to allow them to save face.
To allow a person to save face you must find something to agree with in their argument against your idea.

6 assertive sentences to try

1. Agreeing in principle: As a general rule youre absolutely right 2. Agree with part of their argument: Of course youre absolutely right that 3. Admit it is a reasonable argument: Yes, what you are saying is very logical

6 assertive sentences to try

4. Appreciate their feeling: I can totally understand why you feel that way 5. Raise objections as an afterthought: Yes that seems true but if 6. Show that you have anticipated that attack: Thank you, I was hoping that someone was going to mention that (useful if presenting idea at meetings!)

Sentence to watch out for

I dont want to be rude but
- simple warning that person saying it is about to be very rude/aggressive

Lets do a quick reflection exercise

Write down a circumstance when you have been criticized recently:
a) How did you react? Which approach did you use? b) What was the effect on both you & your critic when you used that approach? c) Which assertive strategies could you have used instead?

Role play exercise

20 minutes

So weve gone over:

Assertiveness test & interpretation of results Define passive, aggressive, & assertive behaviors Assertiveness important life skill Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general Handling criticism/verbal attacks against your ideas Role play group exercise

To conclude: What happens when you behave assertively?

You feel more comfortable with yourself Your self-esteem improves You become more valued and respected Your technical & professional abilities are highlighted by excellent interpersonal skills

Last note
In most situations we have the choice to be passive, assertive, or aggressive.

Being assertive is often the best choice.

Thanks for your time