5WS1.

6 Edit and revise manuscripts to

improve the meaning and focus of writing
by adding, deleting, consolidating,
clarifying, and rearranging words and
sentences.

Standard 6WS1.6
Revise writing to improve
organization and consistency
within and between paragraphs

Learning Objective

We will revise1 our writing to

improve2 its meaning3 and
4
consistency .

revise1: change
improve2: make better
meaning3: what you are trying to tell your audience
consistency4: sticking with the same idea; not
deviating
Pre-pronounce; T read (define in context); choral read
PS What are we doing today?

APK

Which is more interesting to read?

A His sweater was nice. The boys laughed when

they saw it.

His sweater had a frilly collar made of fuzzy,

pink yarn. The boys laughed to see the dog
dressed up this way.

When we change our words, the meaning

becomes clearer, and our audience
wants to read more. Today we will learn
how to change our writing.

WB PS Frame: Sentence__ was interesting to me because___

concept

Revising is improving the content and

organization of your writing
Writing needs CONSISTENCY. This
means that all the ideas work together
to support the main idea.
Sentences and paragraphs must be
strongly connected.
Writing needs organization
Example: I have news for teenage volunteers: Doing
volunteer work can benefit you because it helps you
see the world in a different way.
Non example: I am going to tell you about the reasons
you should volunteer.

 Think of writing sentences as a chain

Each link (sentence) is connected to the
main object (idea)-even if it is far away
from it. The links (sentences) MUST
work together for the chain (paragraph)
to be strong.
After school
Example:
Non-example:
I went to my friends house,
I went to my friends
but her mom wasnt home.
house. Her mom wasnt
So, we did our homework and
home. We did our homework
ate a snack. When we were
and ate. I had ice cream.
done, her dad drove me home. Chocolate is my favorite.
She had her dad drive me
home later.

Ways to revise your writing

Deleting words or sentences that take
away from topic or are redundant
Adding words or sentences that bridge
ideas or add meaningful description
Consolidating-using fewer, more
powerful words
Clarifying-making your thoughts clearer
Rearranging-changing the word order

concept

Take out
words or
sentences
that are
not related
to the
main
topic, are
repetitive,
or are
overused
Ex: good
nice bad
funny big

Placing new
words or
sentences to
bridge ideas or
make
connections
clear. Additions
should make
meanings
clearer or
enhance
descriptions
Ex:
Therefore,
then, also, in
addition

Use fewer
words that
carry powerful
meaning.
Omit
redundancies.
Ex:
extremely,
rapidly,
gorgeous,
friendly,
generous,
delicious,
carefree

Make
your
thoughts
clearer.
Ask
yourself: If
I knew
nothing
about this
topic, would
I
understand
?

Change
the order
of the
words &/or
sentences.
Organize
by time,
sequence,
or logical
order.
First, next,
last, then,
after, before,
consequently

RAJ

What is deleting to revise mean?

What would you need to do to delete to revise?
(1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot in
ships at night. (2) Sailors enjoy the sea.(3) A
lighthouse is a tower with a powerful light on top to
illuminate the darkness.
A.Cross out sentence 2
B.Add more details
How do you know that?

 Sometimes our thoughts dont translate clearly into

written words
Effective writing gets your ideas across clearly
Your readers will know what you are saying
It is tested on the CST and benchmarks

Good writing makes a good impression

Why revise?

Importance

Whichsentencewouldbebesttoremovefrom
thefirstparagraph?
AThosewhobuilttheTowerofPisanevermeant
forittolean,thoughthisiswhathasmadeit
famous.
BOthertowers,suchastheEiffelTowerandthe
TowerofLondon,areknownfortheirownunique
qualities.
CInrecentyears,workershavehadtomakethe
TowerofPisaleanless,tomakeitsafeforvisitors
toenter.
DHowdidthetowercometolean,andhowdid
workersmaketheLeaningTowerstandstraighter?

CST

Whichsentencecouldbest
beaddedtothebeginningof
thesecondparagraph?
AObviously,somekindsare

morecomplicatedtomakeand
operatethanothers.
BLocalschoolsandlibrariesare
goodplacestofindastringpuppet
showbeingpresented.
CPuppetscontinuetoentertain
peopleofallages,andweall
rememberPinocchiofondly.
DItmightsurpriseyoutoknow
thatpuppetryisaveryoldart

form.

I do:
The new mall is
fabulous. It has a
great food court.
The food at school is
terrible. The mall
also has a skating
rink. I love ice
skating, but it hurts
my ankles.

The best revision is to:

A.
B.
C.
D.
E.

Delete sentences 1 & 2

Delete sentences 3 & 4
Delete sentences 4 & 5
Delete sentences 3 & 5
Delete sentences 2 & 4

The new mall is

fabulous. It has a
This needs revision because it should be praising
the new mall. Instead it talks about other things.
great food court.
The mall also has a
terrific skating rink.

 1)There are thousands of

traditional quilting
patterns, many with
names that echo the
countrys history and that
of the people who created
them. 2)Pattern names
may be simple or quite
elaborate. 3)Some
patterns echo the
countrys history. 4)Some
colorful patterns include:
Abe Lincolns Log Cabin,
Jacobs Ladder, Flower
Basket, Turkey Tracks,
and California Rose.

Which sentence
would be best to
remove from the
paragraph?

A.
B.
C.
D.

Delete sentence 2
Delete sentence 3
Delete sentence 4
Leave as is

What is it called when we take out words or sentences

that are not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or
are overused?
Which sentence should be deleted to revise (does not
belong)?
(1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot ships at
night. (2)Sailors enjoy the sea. (3)A lighthouse is a tower
with a powerful light on top to illuminate the darkness.
A.Sentence 1
B.Sentence 2
C.Sentence 3
What is something you learned about deleting to revise?

APK (Day 2)

We have learned that when we delete to revise we take out

words or sentences that are not related to the main topic, are
repetitive, or are overused.
(1)Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds. (2)The largest
living bird is the ostrich. (3)Hummingbirds are colorful
creatures that range in size from 2 to 8 inches in length.
(4)They can fly up to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings and
an amazing 50 to 75 beats for second! (5)Hummingbirds burn
so much energy that they are need to eat almost constantly
during daylight hours. (6)My big brother eats constantly too!
We can delete sentence 2 to revise because it is not related to the
main topic.
What other sentence can we delete to revise?

concept

Take out
words or
sentences
that are
not related
to the
main
topic, are
repetitive,
or are
overused
Ex: good
nice bad
funny big

Placing new
words or
sentences to
bridge ideas or
make
connections
clear. Additions
should make
meanings
clearer or
enhance
descriptions
Ex:
Therefore,
then, also, in
addition

Use fewer
words that
carry powerful
meaning.
Omit
redundancies.
Ex:
extremely,
rapidly,
gorgeous,
friendly,
generous,
delicious,
carefree

Make
your
thoughts
clearer.
Ask
yourself: If
I knew
nothing
about this
topic, would
I
understand
?

Change
the order
of the
words &/or
sentences.
Organize
by time,
sequence,
or logical
order.
First, next,
last, then,
after, before,
consequently

RAJ

What does adding to revise mean?

What would you need to do to add to revise?
(1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot in
ships at night.(2) A lighthouse is a tower with a
powerful light on top to illuminate the darkness.
A.Cross out sentence 2
B.Add more details
How do you know that?

I do
Morse became a painter
and worked as an artist
for many years. Morse
constructed his first
primitive model of a
telegraph using a
homemade battery and
parts from an old clock.
Which of the following
sentences would provide
the best transition
between these two
sentences?

A He was well respected as a

painter of realistic portraits, and
his work is exhibited at
museums around the country.
B He lived and painted in New
York where he founded the
National Academy of Design
and became its president
C He left painting behind when
he received information that
gave him an idea of how to
create the telegraph.
D He had always been interested
in inventing machines and, with
his brother, had previously
applied for patents on some
water pumps.

We do:
Metal detecting is often
thought of as something
that older, retired
people do. However,
many young people
have taken up metal
detecting, too. People
who metal detect have
found coins, old guns,
meteorites, jewelry, and
even gold nuggets.
This form of treasure
hunting is rewarding,
good exercise, and fun
for people of all ages.

Which sentence can

be added to revise
this paragraph?
A The detector is a long,
stick-like object that can
indicate where metal is
located.
B Doctors say that people
need more exercise.
C Old people cant do a
lot of things, so this is a
good activity for them.
D People of all ages can
uncover the treasures
beneath our feet.

What is it called when we place new words or

sentences to bridge ideas or make connections clear?
_______________. Everything was always so much fun
when Alejandro was around. The house smelled like stuffed
turkey, and those special rolls their grandmother had always
made from scratch, golden and fluffy and dripping with butter.
Raul raced his brother, Alejandro, to the dinner table almost
tripping over Grandpas old and worn wooden cane.

A.Raul was ready for dinner

B.Raul was happy that his older brother was home for
Thanksgiving.
C.Alejandro was away at college
What is something you learned about adding to revise?

APK Day 3

We learned that when we add to revise we place new

words or sentences to bridge ideas or make connections
clear. Additions should make meanings clearer or
enhance descriptions
Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds.
Hummingbirds are colorful creatures that range in
size from 2 to 8 inches in length. They can fly up
to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings and an
amazing 50 to 75 beats for second! Hummingbirds
burn so much energy that they are need to eat almost
constantly during daylight hours.
I could add the sentence, Hummingbirds are recordbreaking birds, to the beginning of the sentence to best
engage the readers.

APK Day 3

Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds.

Hummingbirds are colorful creatures that range in
size from 2 to 8 inches in length. They can fly up
to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings and an
amazing 50 to 75 beats for second! Hummingbirds
burn so much energy that they are need to eat almost
constantly during daylight hours.
Which of these sentences would best follow the last
sentence of the paragraph?
A.At night the fall into a deep sleep, much like hibernation.
B.Bird-watchers enjoy searching for different kinds of
hummingbirds.
C.The tiny fairy hummingbird is the favorite of many bird
lovers.

concept

Take out Placing new

words or words or
sentences to
sentences bridge ideas or
that are
make
not related connections
clear. Additions
to the
should make
main
meanings
topic, are clearer or
repetitive, enhance
or are
descriptions
overused
Ex: good
nice bad
funny big

Ex:
Therefore,
then, also, in
addition

Make
Use fewer
words that
your
carry powerful thoughts
meaning.
clearer.
Omit
redundancies. Ask yourself:
If I knew
nothing
Ex:
about this
extremely,
topic, would I
rapidly,
understand?
gorgeous,
friendly,
generous,
delicious,
carefree

Change
the order
of the
words &/or
sentences.
Organize
by time,
sequence,
or logical
order.
First, next,
last, then,
after, before,
consequently

RAJ

What does consolidating to revise mean?

Read the following sentences.
Butterflies and moths are winged insects. Butterflies and
moths make up the order Lepidoptera.
Which sentence is an example of consolidating to revise?
A.Butterflies and moths are winged insects.
B.Butterflies and moths are both winged insects that
belong to the order Lepidoptera.
How do you know that?

Which of these concluding paragraphs

show revision for consolidation?
A

In this paper I have

written to explain why
classic American cars
from the 1950s and
1960s are still popular
today. Look for Classic
American cars from the
1950s and 1960s on the
road and see if you
agree with what I have
written.

Cars with fins! Cars

with grills in front that
depict deep-sea
monsters! Yes, the
1950s and 1960s
were a time of
exciting vehicles. It
is no wonder that
hundreds of them
have become
classics.

We do:
Which of these concluding paragraphs
show revision
for consolidation?
A
B
Saliva in the insects
I am going to tell you
mouth keeps the
about mosquito saliva.
blood flowing
The saliva in the
smoothly so that the
mosquitos mouth
mosquito can get all
keeps the blood flowing
that it needs. This
smoothly so that the
saliva is the liquid
mosquito can get all
that causes a bump
that it needs. I did not
or welt to form.
know that is what the
saliva was used for.

What is it called when we use fewer words that carry

powerful meaning and omit redundancies?
A. I am going to tell you why hummingbirds are interesting
birds. They can fly up to 60 miles per hour. Their wings
move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second.
B. Hummingbirds are amazing creatures! Their wings move
at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second, allowing them to
fly up to 60 miles per hour.

What is something you learned about consolidating to

revise?

APK Day 4

We learned that when we consolidate to revise we use

fewer words that carry powerful meaning and omit
redundancies.
Frank enrolled in a pottery class and Frank did this
after he took a basic art class.
Teacher I do

A. A pottery class is what Frank enrolled in after Frank

took a basic art class.
B. After Frank took a basic art class, he enrolled in a
pottery class.
We do

Lucy asked Robert to help install the bookshelf. It was after

they had lunch.
A. After lunch, Lucy asked Robert to help install the bookshelf.
B. Helping to install the bookshelf is what Lucy asked him, it
was after they had lunch.

concept

Take out Placing new

words or words or
sentences to
sentences bridge ideas or
that are
make
not related connections
clear. Additions
to the
should make
main
meanings
topic, are clearer or
repetitive, enhance
or are
descriptions
overused
Ex: good
nice bad
funny big

Ex:
Therefore,
then, also, in
addition

Make
Use fewer
words that
your
carry powerful thoughts
meaning.
clearer.
Omit
redundancies. Ask yourself:
If I knew
nothing
Ex:
about this
extremely,
topic, would I
rapidly,
understand?
gorgeous,
friendly,
generous,
delicious,
carefree

Change
the order
of the
words &/or
sentences.
Organize
by time,
sequence,
or logical
order.
First, next,
last, then,
after, before,
consequently

RAJ

What does clarifying to revise mean?

Which is an example of a sentence that has
been clarified?
A. The children are going there this afternoon.
B. Sonya and Ricky are going to McDonalds at 5:00.

How do you know that?

I do: What sentence could be

added to clarify the passage?
For a long time scientists
wondered where
comets came from.
Today, most scientists
believe that comets
come from an unseen
cloud of particles called
the Oort cloud. This
cloud probably
surrounds our solar
system.

a) Comets are pretty.

b) The cloud may
contain between 10
and 100 trillion
comets.
c) Edmund Halley
studied comets.
d) People are fascinated
by comets.

We do: What sentence could be

added to clarify the passage?
For many years, post
roads were used
mainly by mail riders
and a few travelers.
Some wagons and
carts owned by
farmers and merchants
who shipped goods
went along the bumpy
roads too.

a) By 1722, the Boston post

roads were made smooth
and safe enough for
stagecoaches.
b) Native Americans made
their own roads many years
before.
c) Animals made trails
through the plains.
d) Gradually trail were made
wider as trees were
chopped down.

Closure

What is it called when we make our thoughts clearer?

A. I am going to tell you why hummingbirds are interesting
birds. They can fly up to 60 miles per hour. Their wings
move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second.
B. Hummingbirds are amazing creatures! Their wings move
at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second, allowing them to
fly up to 60 miles per hour.

What is something you learned about clarifying to

revise?

APK Day 5

We learned that when we clarify we make our thoughts

clearer.
Teacher I do

Which sentence has been clarified?

A. Kate ate a peanut butter sandwich and potato chips
for lunch.
B. She ate her favorite foods for lunch.
We do

A. He read a book under the tall tree.

B. Juan read Diary of a Wimpy Kid under the oak tree.

concept

Take out Placing new

words or words or
sentences to
sentences bridge ideas or
that are
make
not related connections
clear. Additions
to the
should make
main
meanings
topic, are clearer or
repetitive, enhance
or are
descriptions
overused
Ex: good
nice bad
funny big

Ex:
Therefore,
then, also, in
addition

Make
Use fewer
words that
your
carry powerful thoughts
meaning.
clearer.
Omit
redundancies. Ask yourself:
If I knew
nothing
Ex:
about this
extremely,
topic, would I
rapidly,
understand?
gorgeous,
friendly,
generous,
delicious,
carefree

Change
the order
of the
words &/or
sentences.
Organize
by time,
sequence,
or logical
order.
First, next,
last, then,
after, before,
consequently

RAJ

What does rearranging to revise mean?

(1)During summer, the animals population increases
because of migration. (2) They travel, or migrate, here in
late spring and leave again before winter begins. (3) Many
animals, especially birds, live on the tundra only during the
summer.

Which is an example what I could do to rearrange to

revise?
A. Add more details after sentence 3
B. Move sentence 2 to the end of the paragraph.

How do you know that?

Will rearranging these

sentences to revise
improve this
paragraph?
1)The motion of a
hummingbirds wings is
so fast that you cant
see them. 2) Their
wings look delicate, but
theyre amazingly
strong. 3) A
hummingbirds moving
wings can be a blur.
4)In addition, their
sound makes the birds
easier to locate.

I do:

Which sentence
could best be moved
to the beginning of
this paragraph?
A Leave as is
B Sentence 2
C Sentence 3
D Sentence 4

We do:
(1)An old house leaned
against trees, and a barn
loomed behind it. (2)Upon
closer inspection, we found
a cistern on the east side of
the house and a
smokehouse in front. (3)We
had stumbled upon a
forgotten old homestead.
(4)We walked around, trying
to get a better look at the
yard.

Which sentence
could best be moved
to the beginning of
this paragraph?
A Leave as is
B Sentence 2
C Sentence 3
D Sentence 4

Closure

What is it called when we change the order of the

words &/or sentences or organize by time, sequence,
or logical order?
(1) There are beautiful red and yellow leaves covering the
ground. (2) Autumn is a great time of year to go for a walk. (3)
The air is crisp and cool in your face.

Which sentence can be moved the beginning of the

paragraph?
A. Sentence 2
B. Sentence 3
C. Leave as is.

What is something you learned about rearranging to

revise?

Closure

What is improving the content and

organization of your writing called?
Name and explain one of the aspects of
revision we have learned.
Why is revision important?

Revising your writing

add

delete

consolidate

clarify

Independent Practice
Use the Weekly Standards Review
pages 50-53 and your tree map to do the
following exercises:
Page 50: #3 and #4
Page 51: #1 and #2
Page 52: #3
Page 53: #1

rearrange

Student cloze worksheet concept

Take ____
words or
sentences
that are ___
_______ to
the main
topic, are
________,
or are
________

Ex: good
nice bad
funny big

Placing ___
words or
sentences to
______ideas or
make
connections
clear. Additions
should make
meanings
_______ or
enhance
descriptions
Ex:
Therefore,
then, also, in
addition

Make
Use _____
words that
your
carry _______ thoughts
meaning.
_______.
________
redundancies. Ask yourself:
If I knew
nothing
Ex:
about this
extremely,
topic, would I
rapidly,
gorgeous,
understand?
friendly,
generous,
delicious,
carefree

Change
the _____
of the
words &/or
sentences.
________
by time,
sequence,
or logical
order.
First, next,
last, then,
after, before,
consequently