1. One spouse relies too heavily on the parents to help in
decision-making, leading the other spouse to feel insignificant. 2. One spouse looks to the parent, not the partner, to get his or her emotional needs met, leading the partner to feel ignored. 3. One spouse reveals details of marital conflict with his or her parents, leading the other spouse to feel betrayed. Decision-making dysfunction. • Some spouses are used to asking their parents for direction; others make decisions more independently. If you and your mate have different habits on this score, conflict may result. • If you're frustrated because your spouse consults with his or her parents on decisions more than you'd like, the two of you need to work through this issue. If you feel threatened by your spouse's behavior, share that diplomatically but honestly. Talk about how the two of you would like decision making to work. Would you prefer that the two of you make choices without getting input from either set of parents? Are there some decisions you'd ask one set of parents about, but not the other? Emotional apron strings. • If your spouse gets his or her emotional needs met in his or her relationship with parents instead of with you, there's a problem. You may even feel as if your spouse is having an affair. • Remember that your primary human relationship now is with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to God comes first; then your bond to your spouse, then to any children you might have, then to your family of origin, and then to extended family and friends. Betrayal. • It's a common story: After a fight with his or her mate, a spouse goes "home to mother" or calls the parents on the phone and spills the details. • This is detrimental to a marriage. It communicates disrespect to your spouse and makes it hard for the parents to maintain a healthy relationship with him or her. • One exception would be conflict that involves violence. Getting to safety is the first priority. Taking time to be apart and see your parents can give you an opportunity to think and establish a plan to repair the marriage. It's not helpful to just go home to Mom and Dad to vent, however. • Has one or both of your in-laws been meddling in your decision- making by exerting undo influence upon you or your spouse? • Have they been interfering in the way you discipline your children by overruling your decisions when you are absent? • Have they sought to control your mate’s thinking by constantly badgering him or her when it comes to the way you run your household or spend your money? • Do your in-laws mock or belittle your spouse in your presence? • Is one of your in-laws dominating your time by constantly calling or coming by your house? • Do your in-laws force their opinions on your spouse so that the decisions you have made privately with your mate are undermined? 7 Keys to Having a Healthy Relationship With In-Laws 1. Remember that your first loyalty MUST be to your spouse ahead of your parents or anyone else. "Have you not read," he said, "that he who made them in the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9. God's statement places the primary responsibility on the young couple to see that their love and their commitments to each other are always above the commitment to their parents, no matter how deep the family ties may have been. - The term "leave" father and mother, however, does not mean a complete break or abandonment. Instead, Jesus in Mark 7:10-13 states plainly that children are to honor their parents and, when necessary, even support them financially. The establishment of a new home does not release them from this obligation. But the term does mean that the intimate relations which have formerly existed between parents and children must and should change when the children marry. If you’re not putting your spouse first, or if you’re allowing your parents to talk negatively about your spouse, then YOU need to take action or the marriage might collapse. 2. Show Respect* even when it’s not reciprocated. Refuse to get offended. The Bible says there is great wisdom in choosing to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11). Sometimes your in-laws might say or do something that offends you, but you need to rise above by responding with patience and respect. This does NOT mean you need to be anyone’s doormat, because sometimes clear boundaries need to be implemented. When you show honor to “difficult” in-laws, you’re building bridges of peace that will positively impact future generations. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort! 3. Don’t show favoritism. In most marriages, one sets of parents (in-laws) gets more time and attention than the other. There are a lot of factors that contribute to this, but you need to do everything in your power to give equal time and attention to both sets of relatives. Favoritism usually leads to resentment while consistency leads to trust. 4. Intentionally stay connected to your in-laws (not just your own parents) Don’t fall into the routine of being the one who talks to your parents but then handing the phone off to your spouse every time your in-laws call. When your in-laws call, make a point to answer the phone and have a conversation before handing the phone to your spouse. Find shared interests. Invest in your relationship. Show them you value them by giving your time and attention. Find simple ways to invest in your own relationships with them. 5. Have clear boundaries. A healthy marriage requires that your first and strongest loyalty must always be to your spouse, so don’t allow any other family relationship to come between you. Practically, this means never call your parents when you’re having an argument with your spouse. That will create an unhealthy dynamic between your spouse and your parents. Also, don’t allow anyone (relative or not) to talk negatively about your spouse or do anything that undermines the sacredness of your marriage. 6. Celebrate differences instead of thinking one family’s way is the “right” way and the other family’s ways are always “wrong.”
Your family’s traditions and ways are probably a lot
different than your spouses’s family, but both families are equally important, so value those differences. Celebrate the uniqueness of each family and find a way to bring both perspectives into your own family’s traditions. 7. Love them! Pray for them The Bible says that “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” In every relationship, when we allow love to set the tone, it has a way of covering over the differences and past hurts and binding us together in a beautiful way. Let love lead the way in your family and everything else will probably work itself out! Whether or not your in-laws are believers, we are called to pray for our family. But watch out that you don’t pray like the Pharisee in Luke 18:11 (“Thank God I’m not like that sinner!”). “If you find yourself only praying that God would cure them of XYZ faults, you should also pray that God would work in your heart to help you see them like He does,” said Carolyn Erickson of Fairfax, Virginia. “Remember that you need grace too—and that sometimes, you’re part of the problem!”