ASSERTIVENESS

“DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU

WANT TO SAY NO”
-Herbert Fensterhein

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 DOES IT HAPPEN TO YOU?
 Do you often find that others coerce you
into thinking their way?

 Is it difficult for you to express your

feelings openly and honestly?

 Do you sometimes lose control and

become angry at others?

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 Do you yell at your group mates when
they don’t pay any heed to your idea?

“YES” is an expression of
“LACK OF ASSERTION OR ASSERTIVENESS
IN COMMUNICATION”

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 OK CORRAL:
LIFE POSITIONS VS ATTITUDE
I'M NOT OK I'M OK
YOU'RE OK YOU'RE OK
   
"I wish I could do that as well as "Hey, we're making good
you do“ progress now"
Passive Assertive
I'M NOT OK I'M OK
YOU'RE NOT OK YOU'RE NOT OK
   
"Oh this is terrible – we'll never "You're not doing that right –
make it“ let me show you"
Confused Aggressive
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“I’m OK, you’re OK”:
people are in the ‘get on with’ position
“I’m OK, you’re not OK” :
people are in the ‘get rid of’ position
“I’m not OK, you’re OK”:
people are in the ‘get away position’
“I’m not OK, you’re not OK” :
people are in the ‘get nowhere’ position

All four positions have bearing on

individual thinking and subsequent verbal
manifestations (communication)
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 AGGRESSION
Getting my own way anyway – cost to
others, not my concern
No interest or respect for the rights,
wants or needs of others
Usually destructive – physically or
psychologically or both
The basic message remains: “This is what
I think – you’re stupid for believing
differently. This is what I want – what you
want is not important.”
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 AGGRESSION
IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:
 Invasive/angry staring-eye contact
 Loud strident voice,
 Invasion of spatial boundaries,
 Use of aggressive gestures
 Stiff or muscled up posture,
 Towering over others, etc

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AGGRESSION

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 AGGRESSION
AFTERMATH:
 Aggression often breeds aggression- a
vicious cycle

 Aggression can make us unpopular

 Aggression discourages helping hands in

the future

 Short-term and myopic “feel-good” factor

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 PASSIVITY
Violating one’s own rights by failing to
express honest feelings, thoughts and
beliefs in a manner easily disregarded by
others

The basic message: “My feelings don’t

matter – only yours do. My thoughts
aren’t important – yours are the only ones
worth listening to. I am nothing – you are
superior.”

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 PASSIVITY
Behaving as other people’s rights matter
more than our own
Goal is to appease others and to avoid
conflict at any cost
Passive people don’t consider as if they
have the right to:
Have an opinion,

Contribute, and

Be valued

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 PASSIVITY
IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:
 No eye contact(indirect or evasive eye
contact)
 Soft or muffled voice,
 Cringing or physically making yourself
small(hang-dog posture),
 Use of nervous or childish gestures, etc

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PASSIVITY

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 PASSIVITY
AFTERMATH:
 Not getting what we want

 Inviting less respect from others

 Reduced stress in the short term

 Likely permanent under-confidence

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 CONFUSED
 These people feel confused or aimless

 They don’t see the point of doing

anything, and so usually don’t bother

 People tend to become deceptive/

misleading

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CONFUSED

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ASSERTIVENESS: WHAT IS IT?

Assertiveness is the ability to express

ones thoughts and feelings in a way
that clearly states your needs and
keeps the line of communication open
with the other.

- Ryan and Travis

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 ASSERTIVENESS
That Code of conduct which enables an
individual to think in a positive manner
about oneself & the co-participants, to
be open to ideas and suggestions and
willing to accept change if the need so
arises.

- Asha Kaul

Professor IIM - A

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 ASSERTIVENESS
Sees everyone as equal with equal rights
and equal responsibility

It’s about finding ‘win:win’ solutions

Standing up for personal rights and

expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs
in direct, honest and appropriate ways
that do not violate another person’ rights

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IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:

 Direct but non-invasive eye contact,

 Modulated voice,
 Respect for spatial boundaries,
 Use of illustrative gestures,
 An erect but relaxed postures,
 Wearing a friendly yet professional look,
etc

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ASSERTIVENESS

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BONUS:

 Necessary skill for human survival

 A reflector of positive mental health

 Assertiveness increases the chances of our

needs being met

 It allows us to remain in control

 Assertiveness brings greater self-

confidence
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 Assertiveness lets us have greater
confidence in others

 Assertive people have more friends

 You experience fewer conflicts and

arguments

 Reduced stress

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ASSERTIVENESS: SOME MYTHS

“I will get what I want”:

Not necessarily.

Not a form of manipulation otherwise no

mutual respect will exist.

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 “There is a need to be assertive in all situations”:
Not true. You may choose to be non-assertive
when:

 Dealing with overly sensitive individuals who

become threatened when faced with open
communication
 Unusual circumstances call for special
understanding and compassion
 Chances of misinterpretation are high

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“Others will be assertive if you are
assertive”

Not necessarily

Others may respond with confusion,

passiveness, or open aggression or they
may withdraw completely

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EGO STATES OR PERSONALITY TYPES

Berne defined three basic personalities or

Ego States –

Each with characteristic attitudes, feelings,

behaviours and language. Two of the states
subdivide into two further facets.

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 THE EGO STATES
CRITICALMake rules and sets limits
PARENT Disciplines, judges and criticizes
PARENT Advises and guides
NURTURING Protects and nurtures
PARENT
Concerned with data and fact
Considers options and estimates
ADULT probabilities
Makes unemotional decisions
Plans and makes things happen
FREE Fun loving and energetic
(NATURAL) Creative and spontaneous
CHILD CHILD
ADAPTED Compliant and polite
CHILD Rebellious and manipulative
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EGO STATES VS LIFE POSITIONS
STRIKING THE BALANCE

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 HOW ASSERTIVE AM I?
For each situation below, mark each
response as either passive, aggressive,
assertive or confused.

Situation 1: Your friend has just

complimented you on how well dressed
you are and how nice you look. You feel
pleased, and you say:

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a. “Oh come on, you’re just saying that to
be nice. You probably say that to
everybody.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
b. “Thank you.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
c. “Oh, I bought this on sale.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
d. “Yeah, life is full of fun.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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 Situation 2: You have just been criticized
by your family because they didn’t like
what you prepared for the evening meal.
You say:

a. “Oh I didn’t know that food is bad.

Anyways, I will not cook any more in the
future.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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 HOW ASSERTIVE AM I? - 4
b. “Nothing”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
c. “Shut up! If you don’t like what I cook,
you cook it yourself !”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
d. “I think your criticism is unfair. Tell me
what you like that I can cook next time.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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Situation 3: You are returning a faulty
item to the department store. You
bought a shirt and when you got it home,
you found it to have a flaw in it. You
don’t want the item as it is. The clerk has
just said, “It’s a sale merchandise, and
besides no one will ever notice it.” You
say:

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a. “Well, I still want to return this one and
either get my money refunded, or
exchange it for one that is not defective.
I do not want this one”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
 “Look, give me my money back. I don’t
have all day for you to waste my time.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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c. “Well, I suppose I can keep it, if you’re
sure it won’t show.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

d. “I think you have cheated me. I will just

call the police.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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Situation 4: You and your partner are
dinning out at a moderately expensive
restaurant. You have ordered a medium
Tandoori Chicken. When the Tandoori is
served, it is rather over done. You :

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a. Grumble to yourself but eat the Tandoori
and say nothing to the waiter. When you
pay the bill and the cashier asks, “How
was everything?,” You say, “Fine.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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b. Say to the waiter, “I ordered my
Tandoori to be cooked medium. This is
over done. Please bring me one cooked
medium.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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c. Get up and complain to the cashier about
the poor service. “If people can’t cook
what I order, I am not going to eat here!”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

d. You yell at the waiter and walk out of the

restaurant.
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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 THIS IS WHERE I STAND…

OPTION SIT- 1 SIT - 2 SIT- 3 SIT - 4

a Passive Confused Assertive Passive

b Assertive Passive Aggressive Assertive

c Passive Aggressive Passive Aggressive

d Confused Assertive Confused Confused

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HOW TO PRAISE AND CRITICISE
 Comment on specific actions than
generalizing it
e.g.,
‘You missed the deadline for that
report’
rather than
‘You are absolutely hopeless at
managing your time’

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 Follow up with reasons for your
comments. e.g.,
‘You missed the deadline for that report,
probably because you have been
spending more time on telesales than
we planned.’
‘Perhaps we should discuss how you
should allocate your time in future?’

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 Do not use insincere praise
e.g.,
‘I know you are the most hardworking
person in this office.’
‘Perhaps you could just write up the
minutes for me?’

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  When giving criticism, seek
solutions, rather than commenting on
somebody’s personality.
e.g.,
‘You seem to be getting lot of
complaints.’ instead say:

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‘You seem to be getting lot of customer
complaints in your section at the moment.
Do you know what the problem is.’

Above all, avoid public put-downs, or

criticism in situations which will cause
embarrassment

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 WHETHER ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’

Rationally, saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ depends

upon the nature of the anticipated
outcome

You say ‘Yes’ when anticipated outcome

satisfies you

You say ‘No’ when anticipated outcome

does not satisfy you

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 HOW TO SAY ‘NO’ - 1
SL. DOs DON’Ts
NO.
1 Provide logic and reason Say ‘no’ at the start
2 Have something else in Give excuses
the offing
3 Be ready to accomplish Confused
the task at a later stage
4 Accept or reject at the Move in the domain of
first instance “doubtful”
5 Use “Umbrella Promise and then
Campaign” tactics retreat

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Thank You…

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